Transcript

[00:00.1 – 00:00.4] Nice. [00:00.4 – 00:02.2] Uh, this guy is incredible. [00:02.2 – 00:07.9] He drove all the way out here from Birmingham, um, to share his experience, strength and hope with us. [00:07.9 – 00:14.6] Uh, he stays very active in service work and is a person that you can call on at any point in time. [00:14.6 – 00:22.4] I've made, you know, some calls at 4:00 PM, 4:00 AM, you know, what have you, and he's not afraid to answer the phone and just more than willing. [00:22.4 – 00:29.1] Um, and I think there's a lot to be said for people's willingness to help others because if you're anything like me, I'm selfish as fuck. [00:29.1 – 00:33.9] Uh, and not only does Chris show up for other people, he sponsors men. [00:33.9 – 00:41.7] Um, he's incredibly funny and, you know, we are not of one lot, and he takes one heck of a selfie, so check out his Instagram. [00:41.7 – 00:47.1] Uh but, um, I'm incredibly excited to hear what Chris has to share with us tonight. [00:47.1 – 00:49.0] And with that, it's your turn. [00:49.0 – 00:49.8] Yeah. [00:49.8 – 01:00.4] What's [01:00.4 – 01:00.8] up, y'all? [01:00.8 – 01:02.1] Chris, I'm a heroin addict. [01:02.1 – 01:03.6] Chris. [01:03.6 – 01:07.6] Man, uh, it's awesome to be over here in Atlanta, Georgia, man, hanging out with you guys. [01:07.6 – 01:08.7] This is awesome, man. [01:08.7 – 01:12.7] Um, so just to thank Laura there for that introduction. [01:12.7 – 01:21.3] Um, so my, uh, road to recovery started, uh, November 7th of 2017. [01:21.3 – 01:25.1] Uh, ironically, that's actually my birthday too, my real birthday. [01:25.1 – 01:29.9] Uh, but it was 1983, so I just turned thirty-five years old going on thirty-six. [01:29.9 – 01:32.5] So I'm getting up there, man. [01:32.5 – 01:34.9] I guess some of my youngin friends say. [01:34.9 – 01:40.6] Um, but, uh, basically, you know, I grew up kinda in a area like this, really. [01:40.6 – 01:43.2] I mean, it looks like really a whole lot familiar to where I'm from. [01:43.2 – 01:46.9] Um, suburbs of Birmingham, south side, really. [01:46.9 – 01:50.5] Um, I was a very privileged kinda kid growing up. [01:50.5 – 01:53.2] Um, had unconditional loving parents. [01:53.2 – 01:54.8] I mean, definition of unconditional. [01:54.8 – 02:00.0] Um, couldn't have asked for anything better, um, as far as I'm concerned. [02:00.0 – 02:10.3] And the only thing that I can say, though, that I can say was different starting off was my parents' age di-difference [02:10.3 – 02:13.1] in my mind really played a part at a young age for me. [02:13.1 – 02:15.0] Uh, and they were twenty– they're twenty years apart. [02:15.0 – 02:17.2] My dad just turned eighty, and my mom is sixty. [02:17.2 – 02:24.2] Um, so as a young child growing up, seeing a lot of my friends with younger fathers and interacting with them a lot different. [02:24.2 – 02:27.7] You gotta understand, my father being eighty years old, he grew up post-Depression era. [02:27.7 – 02:32.0] So Elvis and Sinatra and just hard shit, man. [02:32.0 – 02:35.3] I mean, he was very, uh, hardcore driven go-getter. [02:35.3 – 02:38.1] Um, so he didn't really interact with me. [02:38.1 – 02:43.1] He was always gone a lot, uh, traveling on the road, doing different, uh, business trips and whatnot. [02:43.1 – 02:53.1] So I really grew up, you know, right there in my mind thinking, “Well, I'm a little bit different already.” Because he's older, he had two other children [02:53.1 – 02:54.1] from another marriage. [02:54.1 – 02:58.9] Um, they're my half-brother and my half-sister who are also around eighteen to twenty years older than I am. [02:58.9 – 03:02.2] So I never really grew up in a household with siblings. [03:02.2 – 03:05.8] I, I was technically an only child, uh, in my household. [03:05.8 – 03:10.2] My half-brother, though, is, uh, mentally disabled. [03:10.2 – 03:12.9] Uh, he was dropped on his head when he was a very young infant. [03:12.9 – 03:13.9] He has brain damage. [03:13.9 – 03:16.4] Um, so he does not, he does not live… [03:16.4 – 03:17.3] I tell everybody my story. [03:17.3 – 03:23.5] If you guys have ever seen Rain Man movie, like, no joke, that is my similar story to that. [03:23.5 – 03:29.1] Um, kinda the cocky, selfish asshole, you know, that is kinda taking care of a disabled brother. [03:29.1 – 03:38.6] Um, well, when I, you know, became about two or three years old, my mother was very fearful that, you know, having him in the house would– he would harm me in some way. [03:38.6 – 03:40.6] You know, I mean, it was just a protective mother instincts. [03:40.6 – 03:50.9] Um, and he never did, but, you know, so we moved him out of the house, uh, into a home in Tennessee because Alabama, the healthcare system right now is just, it's just shit, really, honestly, [03:50.9 – 03:51.8] if I'm just being honest. [03:51.8 – 03:54.3] But so he lives still in Tennessee, actually. [03:54.3 – 04:01.4] But, um, so we used to go and get him, uh, on holidays and vacations and just for birthdays and stuff like that. [04:01.4 – 04:05.8] Well, a major part of my story starts off when I was about five or six years old. [04:05.8 – 04:06.9] I was very, very young. [04:06.9 – 04:09.6] I don't even know if I was really in kindergarten yet, to be honest. [04:09.6 – 04:17.0] And, um, we, uh, had, had, had went and got him to come home, brought him home for Christmas, and he stayed for about two weeks. [04:17.0 – 04:24.2] And because my brother was mentally disabled, you know, um, he wasn't very understanding of a lot of change, you know, and different situations. [04:24.2 – 04:28.3] So he never really wanted to go home when it was time to leave. [04:28.3 – 04:34.5] And so we had to lie to him a lot, you know, and trick him to get him in the car and get him, you know, all his shit packed and get him home. [04:34.5 – 04:40.0] And we were on sixty-five headed home, and my dad decided, you know, we need to pull over and get gas. [04:40.0 – 04:43.8] And I guess he had kinda figured out that, you know, we were headed home [04:44.0 – 04:45.9] Take him home, and he got real fearful. [04:45.9 – 04:52.4] Um, and he acted out in anger, and he pulled me out of this– out of the car. [04:52.4 – 04:59.6] I was in the front seat of the car and on the side of the highway there, and he pulled me out of the car, and somehow it got a hold of his, uh, rubber. [04:59.6 – 05:04.3] Um, and he wrapped it around my throat on the side of the highway and was choking out. [05:04.3 – 05:09.9] I mean, you know, I mean, I don't think he was physically trying to, you know, put me in death or something or kill me. [05:09.9 – 05:14.1] He was just in a lot of fear, and he was in a situation where he was trying to protect himself. [05:14.1 – 05:18.1] Um, but for a five-year-old child on the side of the highway, I learned two things right then and there. [05:18.1 – 05:27.6] Because not only did my father get out of the driver's seat and drag my brother down inside the ditch and beat the shit out of him, like, in front of me, it taught me two things. [05:27.6 – 05:34.0] Um, that I can't trust you, um, whether you're my blood, my best friend, or a fucking dog. [05:34.0 – 05:34.6] It doesn't matter. [05:34.6 – 05:36.0] Like, I, I can't trust you. [05:36.0 – 05:40.1] And it also taught me to deal with my problems physically. [05:40.1 – 05:43.8] Um, you know, it didn't matter what it was that arose. [05:43.8 – 05:47.8] I mean, I was ready to act out in some kind of volatile situation. [05:47.8 – 05:57.8] Um, so right then and there, I, you know, I, I really didn't develop any kind of, um, problems up until I was in, like, late elementary school, and I can remember [05:57.8 – 06:07.5] going to school, um, and sitting in class and being so fearful of the world, um, that I couldn't even control my own bodily movements. [06:07.5 – 06:11.5] Like, I couldn't– I was having panic attacks at nine years old, you know? [06:11.5 – 06:17.8] Um, and I would sit and cry in class, and it made it worse because the other kids at that age didn't understand what was going on either. [06:17.8 – 06:21.9] So I got a lot of shit, you know, for that, for crying in class. [06:21.9 – 06:25.8] And, you know, so starting in fourth grade, started my road to therapy. [06:25.8 – 06:32.3] Um, very young age, uh, you know, going and sitting with the counselor and, you know, talking about my problems. [06:32.3 – 06:35.4] And, and at that age, I didn't even understand really what was going on with me. [06:35.4 – 06:41.2] Um, so this lasted, you know, about a year or two in– up into middle school. [06:41.2 – 06:47.7] But I, I will say this, um, because of that, that what happened, you know, and not trusting anybody and everybody, I, I, I had no friends. [06:47.7 – 06:57.4] I mean, I, I didn't, I didn't really have a community of, of people that I could be around, that I could truly open myself up to and just kind of tell my shit to, you know? [06:57.4 – 07:02.7] I didn't– I mean, it, it didn't matter who you were, if you're my next-door neighbor or my sister, you know, I just, I didn't trust you. [07:02.7 – 07:07.1] And so I, I met two guys, though, in fifth grade. [07:07.1 – 07:17.2] I can remember walking into class and being so fearful of like, “Oh, oh shit, these panic attacks are gonna happen again.” I mean, and they're back in school like, you know, “What am I gonna do?” These two guys were the only two [07:17.2 – 07:22.0] people to ever take up for me, um, in my life, and we were, like I said, we were in fifth grade. [07:22.0 – 07:29.9] And, um, they had similar stories actually, and that's why I opened up to them for the first time in my life. [07:29.9 – 07:34.4] And so we became kind of like three peas in a pod, um, really as I say. [07:34.4 – 07:38.6] And so going up into middle school, I mean, we did everything together. [07:38.6 – 07:41.2] We, you know, slept at each other's house on the weekends. [07:41.2 – 07:47.1] I mean, we were out, you know, hanging out at the shopping center, the skating rink, you know, whatever it was on a Friday or Saturday night. [07:47.1 – 07:57.2] And luckily though, at that age though, I had found sports, um, because with all of the emotions and, like, just really just misunderstandings [07:57.2 – 08:04.6] of my own internal mechanisms, you know, sports through baseball, basketball, and football, and believe it or not, golf, man. [08:04.6 – 08:05.8] I, I just gotta throw that out there. [08:05.8 – 08:12.2] I know that seems kind of weird, like, you know, an angry person playing golf, but it was actually very calming actually. [08:12.2 – 08:13.3] But, um… [08:13.3 – 08:16.7] So but don't think I didn't break a lot of fucking clubs or anything. [08:16.7 – 08:18.9] I, I did, but, you know, I'll give you that. [08:18.9 – 08:26.8] But, uh, I, uh, you know, was able to channel my anger and my fear and my, all of my emotions because then– and they actually enabled that behavior, you know? [08:26.8 – 08:29.9] Like, they were actually, like, encouraging of being volatile, you know? [08:29.9 – 08:30.9] And it was just like, all right. [08:30.9 – 08:37.5] So I actually made it through middle school and up into, like, early high school without any substances at this point. [08:37.5 – 08:38.5] Let me say that, too. [08:38.5 – 08:48.6] Um, I actually was that kid that used to tell my parents and my family all the time, like, “I'm never gonna smoke cigarettes.” Like, “I'm never gonna drink.” Like, “It's not me,” you know? [08:48.6 – 08:56.0] And I remember my first time that I ever really was even around it and decided, you know, that why not? [08:56.0 – 08:57.0] You know, it's peer pressure really. [08:57.0 – 08:58.1] Let's just be honest. [08:58.1 – 09:01.4] And I was in tenth grade, and I was riding around with some friends. [09:01.4 – 09:07.6] And at this point also, I had started to get out of my, my, um, sports activity. [09:07.6 – 09:08.7] I, I started to quit a lot. [09:08.7 – 09:13.1] Like, I started hanging around with the wrong crowd, you know, similar story I'm sure that you've heard. [09:13.1 – 09:18.1] But at this point, I was still only trusting the two guys in my entire life. [09:18.1 – 09:20.6] Um, I still didn't let a lot of people in. [09:20.6 – 09:23.2] I mean, I, I didn't even trust really my, even my parents, you know? [09:23.2 – 09:27.8] That was, that w- that caused its own kind of toxic environment too with my parents. [09:28.0 – 09:29.8] 'Cause they were very big enablers, honestly. [09:29.8 – 09:39.9] Um, I, um, I can remember being in the truck, you know, when I was a sophomore in high school and we're riding around and somebody just happened to give me a joint, and they were like, [09:39.9 – 09:42.3] “Hey man, you want to smoke this?” And I was like, “Ah, okay. [09:42.3 – 09:43.1] Sure.” You know? [09:43.1 – 09:45.8] And y'all, man, I still can like… [09:45.8 – 09:48.2] Even sitting here looking out at all y'all, I can still feel it. [09:48.2 – 09:58.3] Like, I can still remember that feeling of like all of this fear and all of this anger and all of my anxiety and worry, it, you know, it went away, you know? [09:58.3 – 10:02.1] And even if it was only for 30 minutes, you know, it was, it was gone. [10:02.1 – 10:05.4] And so it made me realize that I have to get more of that. [10:05.4 – 10:06.9] You know, I have to keep seeking that. [10:06.9 – 10:10.9] You know, I want to keep feeling that because I just want to keep stuffing things down. [10:10.9 – 10:14.8] Because I had learned that behavior from my old school father, that you don't cry. [10:14.8 – 10:17.0] You don't dare talk about your problems. [10:17.0 – 10:19.2] You don't dare talk about your emotions at all. [10:19.2 – 10:19.8] You're a man. [10:19.8 – 10:20.7] You don't, you don't do that. [10:20.7 – 10:24.6] And so that made it easier to do that, you know? [10:24.6 – 10:32.2] Um, and honestly, I got away with it somehow through high school, you know, kept telling myself, “I'm only gonna do it on weekends,” you know, and, and whatnot. [10:32.2 – 10:37.5] Before the next thing I know, my senior, senior year in high school, I'm doing it pretty much every day, you know? [10:37.5 – 10:47.7] Um, and then because I, I, I've learned this now at my age now looking back, kind of processing everything, but because I had started the marijuana use, [10:47.7 – 10:49.5] it, it actually triggered the anxiety more. [10:49.5 – 10:51.6] But I just wasn't seeing that at that time. [10:51.6 – 10:59.8] So about two months before I graduated high school, I had a severe panic attack again for the first time since I was fourth, fifth grade. [10:59.8 – 11:08.5] So I ended up, uh, downtown Birmingham in the emergency room, and we all know what they want to prescribe to you when you have an anxiety attack, you know? [11:08.5 – 11:13.0] Um, and I, I was able to get a prescription of, of benzodiazepine. [11:13.0 – 11:20.6] And so my senior year in high school, here I am the last two months and I'm thinking this is my solution, you know? [11:20.6 – 11:21.4] I mean, it's helping me. [11:21.4 – 11:26.9] It's helping me get out and be, be sociable again and not have all this anxiety and fear and lashing out all the time. [11:26.9 – 11:31.4] And, um, so, you know, I somehow made it through high school. [11:31.4 – 11:33.0] I mean, I wasn't an A student. [11:33.0 – 11:35.2] I was about a C student, you know, but I, I, I made it. [11:35.2 – 11:36.7] I got my diploma and I moved on. [11:36.7 – 11:38.8] I never wanted to see that place again, to be honest with you. [11:38.8 – 11:42.8] Um, and come to find out, you know, these… [11:42.8 – 11:46.4] Back to these two guys that I, I was, um, messing with, you know, my whole life. [11:46.4 – 11:53.1] And I called them my best friends, but they were really my brothers because I didn't know what it was like to, to have a sibling in the home. [11:53.1 – 11:55.2] So that's really what I looked at these guys as. [11:55.2 – 11:59.7] Um, so we moved into an apartment together, um, to start college. [11:59.7 – 12:04.3] Um, it didn't end, um, but we started college. [12:04.3 – 12:08.6] And, you know, I'm 18 years old. [12:08.6 – 12:10.6] I'm living on my own for the first time. [12:10.6 – 12:16.3] Um, and I gotta be honest with you, man, the party started as soon as we hit the door, you know? [12:16.3 – 12:19.7] Um, we got evicted in two months. [12:19.7 – 12:21.7] I mean, seriously. [12:21.7 – 12:25.4] We moved in in August and we were, we had to leave the premises by October 31st. [12:25.4 – 12:30.8] Um, so that was my life, you know, as of to that point. [12:30.8 – 12:32.7] I mean, I, I didn't care about anything. [12:32.7 – 12:34.8] I had no real goals in life, you know? [12:34.8 – 12:37.9] I just, you know, was just living for the moment to get high, you know? [12:37.9 – 12:47.9] Um, so basically, you know, after 10 to 12 years of having this solid bond with two guys in my entire life that I'd put [12:47.9 – 12:55.6] all my trust in and the only thing I'd ever really known as far as friendship or, or brotherhood or anything, um, we decided to part ways. [12:55.6 – 13:01.3] You know, we mo- obviously had to move out of the apartment, and he decided that he was gonna move to Tuscaloosa to go to University of Alabama. [13:01.3 – 13:09.8] And he was living with a girlfriend at that time and they had started having some problems and, you know, we'd always feared… [13:09.8 – 13:16.1] We'd always had this, I guess, idea that he had some kind of mental illness but we could never point it out or prove it, I guess. [13:16.1 – 13:25.4] And, um, he was in his apartment one night and, you know, they were having problems and she, she left and when she came back she found him hanging on the door. [13:25.4 – 13:34.0] He had taken a dog collar, one of the retractable dog collars, and he had rigged it to where around his throat and he had hung it up around the door and forced himself to hang. [13:34.0 – 13:39.2] And so even sitting here like looking out at you, I remember that feeling. [13:39.2 – 13:48.9] I'm getting it now, of laying in my bed when my father came up to tell me that, you know, that my best friend and brother in the whole world had decided that this world would be better off without him. [13:48.9 – 13:52.2] And I was 21 years old. [13:52.2 – 13:53.4] This was 2005. [13:53.4 – 13:55.5] Actually it was March 19th of 2005. [13:55.5 – 14:03.8] And, you know, all of my stuff up until this moment just really, you know, all I can say is just hit the fan even worse, you know? [14:03.8 – 14:10.2] So the one good thing that it did bring, uh, was it brought me closer to the third best friend. [14:10.2 – 14:11.8] You know, he had, he had been in Auburn and he- [14:11.9 – 14:18.5] Actually was an addict himself, um, and had experienced some, some drug use down in Auburn, and he was forced to move home. [14:18.5 – 14:20.2] And it brought us closer together, to be honest with you. [14:20.2 – 14:25.0] The next three, four months of my life, I was able to use him, you know, use each other to process what had happened. [14:25.0 – 14:32.0] But I will tell you this, the funeral was, was one of those days where I had to get up in front of about a hundred and fifty to two hundred people and give a eulogy. [14:32.0 – 14:38.2] And at that point, I, I wasn't very good at public speaking, so I had to use some substances to get me through that. [14:38.2 – 14:45.2] Um, and I don't really remember much about the funeral, which is a blessing, but I kinda regret it, you know, obviously today. [14:45.2 – 14:49.1] Um, but I go out there every year. [14:49.1 – 14:56.6] Uh, I've actually made amends to him for some, for some things, um, which is a part of my program I'll get, I'll, I'll get into in here in a minute. [14:56.6 – 15:02.8] But I, um, I remember, you know, and I'll just say he– you know, this, my other best friend… [15:02.8 – 15:07.1] I wanna tell you their names, but through anonymity, I can't say, you know, names, so I'm just gonna keep it at that. [15:07.1 – 15:14.9] But, um, November of the same year, uh, he was also having some trouble with his girlfriend. [15:14.9 – 15:25.0] And he was in a hotel room down in downtown Birmingham, and he had asked this girl to marry him, and apparently, she didn't have the same ideas as he did, and [15:25.0 – 15:26.1] so she turned him down. [15:26.1 – 15:30.9] And he took a nine millimeter and went in the bathroom and shot himself. [15:30.9 – 15:42.6] So within four months, I had lost the only things that mattered to me in this world, that I had trusted, that I had put all of my faith in, that [15:42.6 – 15:46.6] I knew really in this world as far as a relationship was. [15:46.6 – 15:47.2] They were gone. [15:47.2 – 15:49.9] They had just betrayed me is the way I looked at it, you know? [15:49.9 – 15:51.9] I was mad as hell, I'm gonna be honest with y'all. [15:51.9 – 15:53.2] I was pissed. [15:53.2 – 16:01.3] Um, and so at twenty-one, almost twenty-two years old, I, uh, found a little drug called Oxycontin. [16:01.3 – 16:04.0] Uh, it was given to me at the funeral actually. [16:04.0 – 16:09.1] That was– I was trying to remember exactly the day I got it, and it was given to me the day of the funeral. [16:09.1 – 16:13.8] And y'all, I'm here to tell you, like, screw all the rest of the shit. [16:13.8 – 16:18.4] Like, I remember that, that moment when I got that stuff, when I got, you know, the first eighty. [16:18.4 – 16:23.1] And I always had a fear of needles, so I never used intravenous at this point, you know. [16:23.1 – 16:24.6] I was still just snorting it. [16:24.6 – 16:34.6] Um, and I remember two thousand and eight, I decided to have a geographical change because I figured if I leave, my problems will stay, you know? [16:34.6 – 16:38.4] Um, so I moved up to Charlotte actually, uh, North Carolina. [16:38.4 – 16:43.9] And I was, you know, planning on doing school, living my life, having fun, you know? [16:43.9 – 16:49.8] And, and I, I– at that moment though, I met a guy that I'd gone to high school with, and he wasn't from the area that we were from. [16:49.8 – 16:51.7] He was actually from a rural part of Alabama. [16:51.7 – 16:58.4] And he was involved in some things that I would later regret to this, to this day. [16:58.4 – 17:01.8] I d– obviously I do, but I have to tell it because it's part of my story. [17:01.8 – 17:09.0] But I was involved in a dog ring for about eight years, where I was running all over the southeast. [17:09.0 – 17:17.7] Um, and a lot of therapy has helped me understand why I was doing it, um, because I had been hurt. [17:17.7 – 17:19.7] I had been emotionally broken. [17:19.7 – 17:21.0] I had a lot of pain. [17:21.0 – 17:26.4] So it helped me to see something else endure that kind of pain. [17:26.4 – 17:29.1] I got a release out of seeing that. [17:29.1 – 17:36.5] And I know as bad as that sounds, I to this day haven't amends to this particular type of dog. [17:36.5 – 17:41.9] But I'm just telling you that because I got involved in that, and that brought other things. [17:41.9 – 17:45.6] You know, when you're involved in stuff like that, I'm a white boy from the suburbs, you know? [17:45.6 – 17:46.4] I got a good front. [17:46.4 – 17:49.9] People look at me and they say, “Man, he's not involved in that kind of shit,” you know? [17:49.9 – 17:56.8] So I was running across the southeast doing all this stuff, you know, making runs with dogs and doing th- And nobody had a clue about this. [17:56.8 – 18:06.8] I mean, really, nobody even had, you know, a thought process of like, “He's doing this kind of stuff.” And, um, you know, finally when I got to North Carolina though, you know, I [18:06.8 – 18:11.4] was away– I was able to get away from some of that stuff just because of the geographical change. [18:11.4 – 18:17.6] Um, but once in North Carolina, you know, yeah, I thought my problems would leave, but my addiction followed. [18:17.6 – 18:27.1] You know, I got up there and immediately met a few people, the wrong people, and, you know, just kept doing what I was doing. [18:27.1 – 18:27.4] I was… [18:27.4 – 18:32.3] Matter of fact, even when I got up there, I told myself, “I'm, I'm gonna take it easy for a couple of days,” you know, a couple days. [18:32.3 – 18:35.4] But, you know, that was my thought process of how insane I was, you know? [18:35.4 – 18:41.2] And next thing I know, I'm having buddies mail me stuff from Birmingham, you know, because I couldn't find it, you know? [18:41.2 – 18:46.6] And eventually found my hookups and my plugs up in North Carolina, and about a year and a half later, I ran out of money. [18:46.6 – 18:51.1] And I was like, “Well shit, what am I gonna do now?” And so I had no choice but to move back home. [18:51.1 – 18:55.4] And this is where the enabling part comes in with my parents, because my dad [18:56.1 – 19:00.6] To this day, you know, I know that he had delusions of what I was doing and my addiction. [19:00.6 – 19:01.6] I mean, he knew I was an addict. [19:01.6 – 19:07.4] He knew I had a problem, but he still was helping me out to the point to where he helped me get a house. [19:07.4 – 19:10.1] I mean, he was helping me go to school, you know? [19:10.1 – 19:14.9] I mean, there was no boundaries really between me and my parents, really my dad. [19:14.9 – 19:24.9] Um, and so I moved into the house in 2010, and I remember living there for about a year, and I was actually at a party the first time I ever found heroin because this [19:24.9 – 19:30.9] was at the time when OxyContin was changing over and everything was getting different with the formula and all that crap. [19:30.9 – 19:41.0] But so I was at a party one night, and then a really good actually friend of mine that I grew up with, a girlfriend of mine, uh, you know, had a bag and she was just like, “Hey, you know, this is some cheap stuff and it's not as [19:41.0 – 19:44.5] expensive and it's a lot more powerful.” And I was like, “Well, I'm down,” you know? [19:44.5 – 19:50.3] Like, “All right, let's do it.” And that was the, that was the start of a really rough path. [19:50.3 – 20:00.3] I mean, um, you know, and of course my mind tells me, “Well, I'm just gonna snort it, you know, I'm not gonna do like this guy over here who's doing it in the neck or shooting it in their veins.” Like, I'm not that bad, you know? [20:00.3 – 20:05.5] So that was my justification, um, for doing, you know, the heroin. [20:05.5 – 20:07.2] Uh, and I was mixing alcohol. [20:07.2 – 20:07.8] Don't get that twisted. [20:07.8 – 20:09.7] I mean, I was doing alcohol with the benzos. [20:09.7 – 20:10.2] I mean, I would… [20:10.2 – 20:11.7] I mean, if you had it, I, I would do it, you know? [20:11.7 – 20:22.7] Um, and basically about a year into living in that house, um, I got physically sick, and I, and I couldn't remember, [20:22.7 – 20:31.4] you know, some of the symptoms, but I, I was, I was actually on the way over here and I was starting to remember how to tell you guys, explain this to you, but it wasn't withdrawals because I was getting dope every day. [20:31.4 – 20:34.6] But it was a physical sickness to where I felt like I had the flu. [20:34.6 – 20:37.3] Um, I couldn't get enough water. [20:37.3 – 20:43.7] Uh, I was drinking those big like 36 ounce, you know, water bottles from the gas station like every 10 minutes. [20:43.7 – 20:45.1] I mean, I, I played sports y'all. [20:45.1 – 20:46.9] I know what it's like to be dehydrated. [20:46.9 – 20:50.7] This was 10 times worse, and I couldn't stomach anything. [20:50.7 – 20:53.3] Like I was throwing it back up every time I was eating something. [20:53.3 – 20:56.5] And so finally after about four or five days, I was like, “Man, I gotta go to the hospital. [20:56.5 – 21:06.9] I gotta go to the doctor and see what's going on.” And I went down there to the practitioner's office and I had told him about all these symptoms and he, he, he already looked at me and he was like, “Man, I think you're diabetic.” [21:06.9 – 21:08.5] And I was like, “That's not… [21:08.5 – 21:09.2] That's not possible. [21:09.2 – 21:10.7] Like, I don't have that in my family. [21:10.7 – 21:13.0] Like, nobody on both sides of my family is diabetic. [21:13.0 – 21:17.6] That's just not possible.” He was like, “Well, buddy, I just took your blood sugar and my damn meter won't read it. [21:17.6 – 21:27.9] Like it's so high, you need to go to the emergency room.” I was like, “All right.” So got in my car, drove down, you know, to the emergency room downtown and got there, you know, [21:27.9 – 21:28.6] ran some blood work. [21:28.6 – 21:31.8] It turns out my blood sugar was 762. [21:31.8 – 21:37.6] I'll never forget that number, um, because the nurses and doctors were trying to figure out how I was not in a coma. [21:37.6 – 21:47.6] And they were like, “Man, you know, you should be dead.” And so a week into an IV drip of, of potassium and, and, and, uh, insulin and everything, I finally get [21:47.6 – 21:50.1] out of the hospital and of course the first thing I wanna do is get high. [21:50.1 – 21:51.9] You know, like I don't give a shit about diabetes. [21:51.9 – 21:52.7] Like, you know? [21:52.7 – 21:55.4] It's just not important, you know? [21:55.4 – 21:57.5] Um, and so… [21:57.5 – 22:07.5] But I will be honest with you, you know, about this disease, about diabetes, like because I didn't have anybody in my family and I had really no friends [22:07.5 – 22:12.3] that had diabetes, like the fear of being alone hit me again. [22:12.3 – 22:21.3] You know, because I hadn't really nobody to talk to about this, like the, the fear of, of one day being able to have limitations. [22:21.3 – 22:24.0] I had limitations now in my life, and I couldn't accept that. [22:24.0 – 22:26.7] That's in my ego and my pride right there for you. [22:26.7 – 22:28.2] Like there's… [22:28.2 – 22:29.4] I, I, you know, I'm perfect. [22:29.4 – 22:32.4] I, I, I can't have limitations at all whatsoever. [22:32.4 – 22:37.3] And so I really was delusional about it for about, um, a year. [22:37.3 – 22:44.0] And it's, i- if you guys can, you know, start to see it's very similar to the disease of addiction w- with the way I took it. [22:44.0 – 22:53.2] Um, and I started to realize, you know, if I take care of myself, you know, I'll be okay on a day-to-day basis, you know, but I wasn't doing that. [22:53.2 – 23:03.3] I mean, I was still shooting dope and drinking every night, and even justifying that by saying things like, “It's lowering my blood sugar.” Like, I mean, who's that crazy, [23:03.3 – 23:03.9] you know? [23:03.9 – 23:05.6] To say some shit like that, but… [23:05.6 – 23:14.9] So about two years into it, um, I, uh, was downtown and I'd finally, obviously, you know, I remember I told you I had a fear of needles. [23:14.9 – 23:19.7] Being diabetic, you kinda have to use needles. [23:19.7 – 23:21.5] Um, so that fear was lifted. [23:21.5 – 23:27.7] Um, so one time, you know, I was with the same girl who gave me the first bag actually. [23:27.7 – 23:29.9] Um, she said, “Hey, why don't you try this? [23:29.9 – 23:36.3] You know, it's, it hits you faster and, you know, it's a lot better high.” And I was like, “All right, let's do it.” You know? [23:36.3 – 23:39.5] And that's what lifted my life off to [23:39.9 – 23:41.1] You know, IV heroin use. [23:41.1 – 23:45.2] Um, and I had to have it on a daily, pretty much an hourly basis. [23:45.2 – 23:51.0] I mean, and my thought, I r- you know, looking back on it like no matter how much I got, it still wasn't enough. [23:51.0 – 23:52.1] You know? [23:52.1 – 23:57.7] Um, you know, you could have given me $150 worth a day, I still needed– I needed like 300. [23:57.7 – 23:58.9] That's what I really needed, you know? [23:58.9 – 24:01.3] And it just, it just never satisfied me. [24:01.3 – 24:05.5] 'Til eventually to the point to where I had to have it to s- not be sick. [24:05.5 – 24:10.8] And, um, so I realized, you know, I needed help and, uh, I mean, I… [24:10.8 – 24:17.1] And I think to this point my parents knew I was an addict and alcoholic, but they were waiting on me to come to them. [24:17.1 – 24:25.0] And I mean, at this point I had track marks all down my arm and, you know, I was about 170 pounds and, you know, I just, I mean, I looked like shit. [24:25.0 – 24:27.5] And so finally I came to them and I was like: “You know, I need help. [24:27.5 – 24:29.0] You know, I can't stop doing this shit. [24:29.0 – 24:34.6] It's gotten to the point to where, you know, I'm not even in control of my own self,” you know? [24:34.6 – 24:44.5] Um, and they were willing to help me out with some treatment, and they sent me to treatment, uh, there in Birmingham, uh, downtown in a program. [24:44.5 – 24:49.4] And you know, this was early 2000– late 2016, I apologize. [24:49.4 – 24:52.7] Um, and I, uh, you know, walked in. [24:52.7 – 24:58.3] But the problem was, is like I was, I was willing to like be open to some things, but not all. [24:58.3 – 24:58.6] You know? [24:58.6 – 25:00.4] I was willing to go in and do the treatment. [25:00.4 – 25:03.4] Heard about sober living, was like, “I'll try it out,” you know? [25:03.4 – 25:06.4] And I, I got about four or five months clean time under my belt. [25:06.4 – 25:10.0] Um, and I did everything they tell you not to do, you know? [25:10.0 – 25:17.6] Um, I, uh, mainly got involved with a girl, um, who had about as much time as I did. [25:17.6 – 25:22.5] Um, and she relapsed and I relapsed at the same time. [25:22.5 – 25:24.3] And I was ready to move out of sober living. [25:24.3 – 25:25.0] I had this. [25:25.0 – 25:26.8] I, I was ready to, you know, move on. [25:26.8 – 25:27.4] I, I'm good. [25:27.4 – 25:29.4] Like there's no more meetings, you know, I don't need all this. [25:29.4 – 25:29.9] I've done… [25:29.9 – 25:31.8] You know, I made, I made it to like step nine. [25:31.8 – 25:32.6] I was like, “All right, we're good. [25:32.6 – 25:42.7] Let's go.” And I relapsed within a month, and I was living on my own in my own apartment, um, working at a hospital downtown, the same hospital I'd gone to treatment [25:42.7 – 25:43.9] at actually. [25:43.9 – 25:48.4] Um, and I remember that it, it… [25:48.4 – 25:54.2] And I'll tell you this, like my experience through hearing other people's stories about relapse is it doesn't ever get better. [25:54.2 – 25:55.5] It gets worse. [25:55.5 – 26:03.3] And I can attest to that because I'll tell you exactly what I went through those four or five months that I was back out there. [26:03.3 – 26:13.4] Um, it was to the point I was– my life was so unmanageable that I would be at work and seven o'clock to three o'clock the only way I could get dope [26:13.4 – 26:20.0] was I had to jump on the tram, go to my car in the parking lot, go to the west side of Birmingham, get the do- all on my lunch break. [26:20.0 – 26:25.6] Come back, get high in the parking lot, wait 'til three o'clock, go back to the tram, get back to the west side. [26:25.6 – 26:28.9] I mean, it was, it was the insanity part of it, you know? [26:28.9 – 26:37.1] And to the point to where when I couldn't even get a rig, y'all, I was reaching in the damn medical waste to get it out. [26:37.1 – 26:39.3] Like I didn't give a shit. [26:39.3 – 26:41.3] I didn't care, you know? [26:41.3 – 26:51.4] And, uh, that's part of my story of how I got back into recovery because one morning I woke up in my apartment and y'all, I've had abscesses [26:51.4 – 26:52.4] my whole life, you know? [26:52.4 – 26:53.7] I mean, in addiction I've had them. [26:53.7 – 26:55.1] I know what they are and what they feel like. [26:55.1 – 27:01.5] Um, but I got one on my arm this time and, uh, it was different. [27:01.5 – 27:03.2] Uh, it was, it just… [27:03.2 – 27:05.9] it was very– a lot more painful than I can say. [27:05.9 – 27:08.8] And you know, I got to feeling, I said, “Fuck, I got an abscess. [27:08.8 – 27:16.6] I'm gonna have to go to the fucking doctor now, and they're gonna have to lance it open.” And then I just, I was like, “Well…” So I tried to go to one of those little urgent cares, you know? [27:16.6 – 27:20.0] And they were like, “Son, we can't do nothing with this.” Like, you know. [27:20.0 – 27:25.9] I mean, they gave me a little shot of like some real low pain medicine, took my headache away, and I was like, “All right. [27:25.9 – 27:36.3] I guess I gotta go to the emergency room.” Well, luckily I did because when I walked in, they immediately took me upstairs and gave me an MRI, and it turns out that it wasn't just an abscess, it had MRSA. [27:36.3 – 27:41.0] And for those that don't know what MRSA is, it's a blood infection. [27:41.0 – 27:48.5] So being diabetic and all of this on top of that, they had me on the operating table within an hour and a half of walking in that emergency room. [27:48.5 – 27:55.1] And they told me, they were like, “If you had waited another day or two, this probably would've gone to your heart and you wouldn't be standing here. [27:55.1 – 28:05.2] Best case scenario, we would've taken your arm off.” And I remember it was like two o'clock, three o'clock in the morning, I'm laying in my hospital bed and I wake up and there's like [28:05.2 – 28:07.0] a team of doctors standing over me. [28:07.0 – 28:12.1] It was like, if y'all seen the movie Ray, you know, all those vivid dreams he's having and like all of a sudden the guy comes in and he's talking. [28:12.1 – 28:14.4] I mean, he has that spiritual moment right then and there. [28:14.4 – 28:19.1] That's what it was because I realized I was a flat out junkie. [28:19.1 – 28:22.9] I mean, I'm sitting here, I'm laying here in bed in a hospital [28:24.0 – 28:25.2] My arm could have been cut off. [28:25.2 – 28:32.7] I've got a wound vac on my arm from two surgeries that they had to go in and save my life, basically. [28:32.7 – 28:36.3] Because if I hadn't have come in, I would– you know, this infection would have spread to my heart and killed me. [28:36.3 – 28:41.8] And that was that moment when I realized, I mean, I've got to be all in. [28:41.8 – 28:45.9] Like, there is no half in, half out shit no more, you know? [28:45.9 – 28:54.6] Like, so the difference in this time in recovery for me was when I went into treatment this time, I didn't pick my sponsor. [28:54.6 – 29:01.9] I was so willing to do whatever it took that they assigned a sponsor for me, and I didn't know this guy from Adam, you know? [29:01.9 – 29:10.2] And I looked at it like this, that it says in the book to go– you're willing to go to any lengths because I'd have done anything for dope. [29:10.2 – 29:11.4] Anything for dope. [29:11.4 – 29:13.9] So I'd do that for my recovery. [29:13.9 – 29:14.3] Why not? [29:14.3 – 29:15.1] You know? [29:15.1 – 29:21.2] Um, if you guys had asked me to run down the street naked here to get a gram, you bet your ass I would have done it. [29:21.2 – 29:24.4] I'm just saying, you know. [29:24.4 – 29:27.7] So why not to be sober, you know? [29:27.7 – 29:28.0] Mm. [29:28.0 – 29:29.4] I mean, that's just the way I look at it. [29:29.4 – 29:39.7] So I had a buddy I lived with in, in sober living and, and that was another difference is instead of taking their suggestion of staying six months in sober living, I stayed nine months. [29:39.7 – 29:45.2] And I just wasn't concerned about leaving or, or getting ahead of myself, or I need this back. [29:45.2 – 29:46.9] I need this, this girl back. [29:46.9 – 29:51.2] I need this car back, or this job, or this certain, you know, bit of money or whatever. [29:51.2 – 29:59.4] So I found a guy, a best friend of mine, uh, now, you know, uh, he's one of my best friends I've ever had since those two guys. [29:59.4 – 30:08.5] Um, and he, he mentioned to me one day, he said, “Why don't you come to a business meeting?” And I was like, “Oh, okay.” So that's where it started, you know? [30:08.5 – 30:17.1] Uh, getting involved, uh, really has saved most of, of my recovery for me because it got me out of myself, you know? [30:17.1 – 30:26.7] And I, and I know you guys hear that a lot, but like now I've gone from, you know, a simple service position to where I'm helping out on a world level through the whole nation. [30:26.7 – 30:36.8] Like my network has gone from, you know, just people around my neighborhood and my community to Atlanta and now Phoenix and New York and [30:36.8 – 30:40.8] Texas, and it's, it's given me my life back. [30:40.8 – 30:46.2] Like, and, and not just that, but you know, all of these flyers you're seeing. [30:46.2 – 30:56.2] I, I got on Photoshop one day, uh, because a girl, um, that was doing this before I was said she just needed help, and [30:56.2 – 30:57.8] I, and I didn't know anything about doing all that. [30:57.8 – 31:07.8] And so HA provided my future for me because now I'm gonna– I'm, I'm enrolling in school for graphic design, and I, and I found that through [31:07.8 – 31:08.2] HA. [31:08.2 – 31:18.4] You know, from doing this, from sitting down and being willing to, to take suggestions, to help out, to be of service to the next sick and suffering heroin [31:18.4 – 31:18.7] addict. [31:18.7 – 31:28.8] Like I found this life for me, and that's why I'm telling you guys like it's not only just given me my life back and all the promises have come true, but it's given me more than that, [31:28.8 – 31:30.4] and now it's my turn to give back. [31:30.4 – 31:34.0] So that's why I, I come and do these things, speak. [31:34.0 – 31:35.5] You know, I go to treatment centers and talk. [31:35.5 – 31:36.9] I sponsor guys, you know, man. [31:36.9 – 31:47.1] I mean, it's like Zora said, if you, if you guys would call me up at 4:00 in the morning, I mean, I wouldn't be too awake or too happy maybe, but I would talk to you and say, “What the fuck's going on?” [31:47.1 – 31:49.3] Like, “Let's talk about this,” because somebody did it for me. [31:49.3 – 31:59.5] And that's what it's talking about in those readings about working with– somebody worked with 12 Step on me just by being a sponsor or just by like leaning over to the next guy and saying, “Hey man, [31:59.5 – 32:00.3] what's going on?” You know? [32:00.3 – 32:02.9] “What's up with you today?” That's it, you know? [32:02.9 – 32:12.1] I mean, my sponsor once told me, he's like, “Just simply doing a reading in a, in a meeting or giving out chips or…” You know, it's not all about, you know, you work your way up to just maybe sharing one day or, you know, doing something. [32:12.1 – 32:21.1] And it eventually got me to the point to now where I chair business meetings and I help out, like I said, in my area, and I'm over here hanging out with you guys in Atlanta, you know, on a da– on a, on a monthly basis. [32:21.1 – 32:31.4] And I just, I can't tell you, and I can't speak enough about Heroin Anonymous and what it's given me back and what it's, it's provided me and laid out my life and helped me accomplish [32:31.4 – 32:39.5] to get through my, my workings of my past and to be in the current moment and to be able to think about the future and go forward, you know? [32:39.5 – 32:43.0] Um, but anyway, guys, uh, that's my story. [32:43.0 – 32:49.2] I know we got about five minutes left, so I appreciate y'all letting me come over here, man, and I look forward to talking with you guys like afterwards, man. [32:49.2 – 32:50.0] This was awesome. [32:50.0 – 32:51.6] Y'all got a lit spot right here, for real.