Transcript

[00:00.7 – 00:02.2] Good job. [00:02.2 – 00:14.0] I'm [00:14.0 – 00:15.4] Dallas and I'm a heroin addict. [00:15.4 – 00:16.2] Hey, Dallas. [00:16.2 – 00:17.1] Hi, guys. [00:17.1 – 00:19.2] So I'm super nervous. [00:19.2 – 00:23.5] Um, first I wanna thank you guys for having me come out here. [00:23.5 – 00:29.3] Never in a million years did I think I'd be telling my story in Atlanta, Georgia, so this is awesome. [00:29.3 – 00:33.7] Um, I'm gonna read something really quick out of the big book. [00:33.7 – 00:41.7] On page one hundred and twenty-four it says, “Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us now. [00:41.7 – 00:49.3] Cling to the thought that in God's hands, a dark past is the greatest possession you have, the key to life and happiness for others. [00:49.3 – 00:59.4] With it, you can avert death and misery for them.” And, um, that's the whole reason I'm here tonight is to share some experience, strength and hope, what it was like, what happened, what– and what it's [00:59.4 – 01:00.1] like now. [01:00.1 – 01:04.8] Um, my sobriety date is September 9th, 2014. [01:04.8 – 01:08.3] I have a sponsor, my sponsor has a sponsor. [01:08.3 – 01:11.7] And, uh, supposed to say one other thing, but I'm nervous so I can't remember. [01:11.7 – 01:12.6] Oh, and I have a home group. [01:12.6 – 01:16.3] Silver Spoon in Birmingham, Birmingham, Alabama. [01:16.3 – 01:26.4] Um, I was born in Laramie, Wyoming, uh, February 20th, 1991, and shortly after moved [01:26.4 – 01:27.7] to Georgia. [01:27.7 – 01:32.1] It's where I grew up, um, Woodstock, uh, rep. [01:32.1 – 01:35.4] And so… [01:35.4 – 01:36.6] Oh my God, I'm so nervous. [01:36.6 – 01:40.5] So, um, I had a very normal childhood growing up. [01:40.5 – 01:44.5] Um, I have a sister who is twenty-one years old. [01:44.5 – 01:52.6] She's four years younger than me, and she had a sip of a margarita on her twenty-first birthday, and that's the only mind-altering substance she's ever had. [01:52.6 – 01:54.8] So we are complete opposites. [01:54.8 – 02:00.8] Um, Mom, Dad let me do, you know, sports, any sport I wanted to do. [02:00.8 – 02:05.2] I know I did karate one time just to get, like, the uniform. [02:05.2 – 02:07.9] Um, did pretty much every sport that way. [02:07.9 – 02:09.9] And, you know, then I came in school. [02:09.9 – 02:20.2] I can remember from a very early age, um, whenever I walked into a room, I felt like everybody in the room was talking about me, talking badly [02:20.2 – 02:20.6] about me. [02:20.6 – 02:22.1] I never felt like I fit in. [02:22.1 – 02:25.8] I felt like I had to be somebody else to get you to accept me. [02:25.8 – 02:29.0] Um, and I felt that way my whole life. [02:29.0 – 02:31.4] I can't just be who I am, you know? [02:31.4 – 02:34.1] Uh, kind of like a chameleon, I guess. [02:34.1 – 02:44.3] And, um, so I just was always trying to be this different person and, uh, I think where I'm gonna start is when I was– well, when I was eight years [02:44.3 – 02:47.7] old, I found out that my dad was not my dad. [02:47.7 – 02:51.6] Um, my dad's name was Steve, and he wanted to see me. [02:51.6 – 02:53.5] He was a drug addict. [02:53.5 – 02:57.3] Um, him and my mom split up before I was even born. [02:57.3 – 03:00.3] My mom also is in recovery, she's got twenty-six years. [03:00.3 – 03:03.5] I've never seen her take a drink, so I kinda grew up in the rooms. [03:03.5 – 03:12.3] But, um, my dad wanted to see me, so I started having, uh, the visits where other people have to be around. [03:12.3 – 03:16.3] Um, and kinda started to build a relationship with him. [03:16.3 – 03:25.9] Um, and when I was twelve years old, he– I mean, it got to the point where, like, I would go spend two weeks with him in the summer, you know. [03:25.9 – 03:28.3] He was kind of the dad that wanted to buy my love. [03:28.3 – 03:33.7] He would take me to Disney World, you know, do all those sorts of things to make up for lost time, I guess. [03:33.7 – 03:40.7] And, uh, when I was twelve years old in middle school, he got a habitual DUI and, like, an armed robbery charge. [03:40.7 – 03:44.9] He got sent to prison for five years, and I was very angry about that, you know. [03:44.9 – 03:46.8] I thought he chose that life over me. [03:46.8 – 03:50.5] Um, so that happened. [03:50.5 – 03:53.0] I'm gonna go to my first drink and drug. [03:53.0 – 04:03.3] I was, um, sixteen years old, and I was at a party, and I can't really remember anything because I was sitting on the floor [04:03.3 – 04:11.7] of my friend's room and was drinking Gold Schlager, and I was like trying to drink all the gold specks, but that's like really hard to do to like float to the top of the bottle. [04:11.7 – 04:15.6] And I just got absolutely shit-faced. [04:15.6 – 04:18.6] And, um, I think I smoked weed for the first time that night. [04:18.6 – 04:19.5] I'm not really sure. [04:19.5 – 04:23.2] But, um, honestly, I didn't really care about it. [04:23.2 – 04:25.3] You know, could take it or leave it, I guess. [04:25.3 – 04:28.4] Um, but I kinda liked it made me loosen up a little bit. [04:28.4 – 04:31.1] You know, I didn't really give a fuck if you liked me or not. [04:31.1 – 04:33.3] Um, and that's the one thing that I kinda remember. [04:33.3 – 04:41.8] Um, in high school, I was a part of a group of friends, and we called ourselves The Crew. [04:41.8 – 04:43.8] Um, and my husband w- [04:44.0 – 04:49.6] Reminded me to tell you guys that, like, I understand that that's like a really stupid name. [04:49.6 – 04:51.5] Like, it wasn't a serious thing at all. [04:51.5 – 04:54.8] Like, we thought we were being really fucking badass, but we weren't. [04:54.8 – 05:00.0] Um, we were, we were a group of girls that played sports. [05:00.0 – 05:02.0] I got really into basketball at this time. [05:02.0 – 05:03.5] Um, I wanted to play in college. [05:03.5 – 05:10.4] Um, and it was a group of us that did sports, and we were all gay. [05:10.4 – 05:12.3] We all dated each other. [05:12.3 – 05:22.3] Um, and that was really awesome and, uh- We made a chart, it was called the crew chart, and it was [05:22.3 – 05:26.3] like this chart of who, like, had had sex with who and, like, it was just all… [05:26.3 – 05:27.2] It was really crazy. [05:27.2 – 05:30.6] But, um, it was me and my four best friends. [05:30.6 – 05:37.0] Um, anyway, so we were the crew and my dad like cringes to this day if you say the word crew. [05:37.0 – 05:45.6] It's like a really sensitive subject, but, um- So that was like my group of friends and, um, we kinda, you know… [05:45.6 – 05:50.0] Growing up, I like would lie to my parents about what I was doing on the weekends. [05:50.0 – 05:52.4] You know, just drinking and like stupid shit like that. [05:52.4 – 05:59.7] Um, and when I was 17 years old, my dad was going to get out of prison. [05:59.7 – 06:09.7] Um, he had written me pretty much every three months the five years he was in, and I didn't write him [06:09.7 – 06:12.1] back because I was so angry, you know? [06:12.1 – 06:18.0] Um, and he was getting out and he called my mom and said, “You know, I'm coming to Georgia. [06:18.0 – 06:26.6] I'd really like to see Dallas.” And she told me and I said, “Okay, um, well, I'll give him a call.” So I called his phone that afternoon. [06:26.6 – 06:31.6] It went to voicemail and I left him a message, “Hey, Steve, you know, I'd like to see you. [06:31.6 – 06:32.4] It's been a while. [06:32.4 – 06:42.4] I hope you're doing okay.” Um, the next day I get home from school and the day that I left him that message, he overdosed and died in his truck on the way to Georgia, um, on [06:42.4 – 06:43.2] a speedball. [06:43.2 – 06:47.6] And, uh, that was really hard for me. [06:47.6 – 06:49.4] You know, I thought that was my fault. [06:49.4 – 06:54.5] If I could've gotten in contact with him a little bit earlier, he would've had something to look forward to. [06:54.5 – 06:57.4] You know, maybe he wouldn't have done that, something would've changed. [06:57.4 – 07:05.1] Um, so in my mind, I kinda took that as like, you know… [07:05.1 – 07:13.6] I don't know, I was just so mad and like, I, I took that and ran with it as a reason to be a fuckup, I think. [07:13.6 – 07:18.4] Um, you know, and that's kinda when I started doing pills and, um… [07:18.4 – 07:20.6] Oh, I hate doing this, but I gotta go back and tell this one story. [07:20.6 – 07:27.1] When I was in middle school, when I was in eighth grade, um, this kid gave me this pill. [07:27.1 – 07:30.3] Um, this was kinda the first time I think I kinda tried to act out. [07:30.3 – 07:33.2] He gave me this pill and he was like, “Hey, this is drugs. [07:33.2 – 07:40.2] Go and like- He's like, “Go and snort this in the bathroom.” And I was like, “Oh, totally cool. [07:40.2 – 07:50.2] Like, how do I do it?” You know, and he like gave me this little Hello Kitty mirror and he was like, “Just smash, smash it up and like just snort it in your nose.” And he's like, “It'll probably hurt, but you'll be so fucked up and you'll be super cool.” And I was like, [07:50.2 – 07:52.3] “Awesome.” So I go in the bathroom. [07:52.3 – 07:53.5] I'm like trying to figure it out. [07:53.5 – 07:59.0] You know, like sweating, like trying to keep the door closed and my friend bursts in and like blows it off the mirror. [07:59.0 – 08:09.3] It was so dramatic and she was like, “What are you doing?” And I was like, “I just don't even know if it's really drugs, you know?” And- So she like goes and tells my teacher, you know, and [08:09.3 – 08:13.9] I end up like having to go to a tribal council and like all this crazy shit. [08:13.9 – 08:16.9] There were seven of us, you know, that I thought were taking these drugs. [08:16.9 – 08:20.7] Come to find out I was the only one that did not have drugs. [08:20.7 – 08:21.8] I had ibuprofen. [08:21.8 – 08:25.5] Um, everybody else had real drugs and I don't even know what it was. [08:25.5 – 08:27.3] They all got kicked out of school except for me. [08:27.3 – 08:32.4] Um, and uh, so that was kind of embarrassing. [08:32.4 – 08:38.0] Um, the thing I wanted to say about that is there were seven of us. [08:38.0 – 08:41.1] One, I don't know if they're a real drug addict. [08:41.1 – 08:42.8] They, um, have a successful life. [08:42.8 – 08:45.3] You know, drinking like a normal person and doing that whole deal. [08:45.3 – 08:49.3] Three of us, um, are in recovery and are sober. [08:49.3 – 08:54.7] And one guy is in prison, and two of those people are dead. [08:54.7 – 09:03.0] So that kind of, um, you know, jails, institutions, and death, I can see that clearly, um, with that group of people. [09:03.0 – 09:06.9] Um, anyway, so I was… [09:06.9 – 09:08.9] Where was I? [09:08.9 – 09:14.8] Oh yeah, my dad died and I felt really shitty about it and started doing pills, real drugs this time. [09:14.8 – 09:25.1] Um, started out, you know, like buying oxys way overpriced, um, just 'cause I didn't really have any connections [09:25.1 – 09:25.9] that way. [09:25.9 – 09:27.8] Um, and- [09:28.4 – 09:31.0] And were just taking them and they made me feel good. [09:31.0 – 09:36.5] You know, I could, felt like I could control myself better when I was taking pills, I guess. [09:36.5 – 09:46.4] Um, and, uh, that kind of spiraled into, you know, it being spending all of my money on it. [09:46.4 – 09:52.1] Um, it kind of became more of like, “I have to have this,” than like, “Oh, you have it. [09:52.1 – 09:58.4] Cool, I'll take it.” And my friends in the crew started doing this stuff a lot, um, and I hung out with them. [09:58.4 – 09:59.5] So I just kind of… [09:59.5 – 10:01.9] I think it– I just wanted to fit in still. [10:01.9 – 10:04.0] You know, I wasn't really hooked on it yet. [10:04.0 – 10:08.2] Um, but, uh, yeah. [10:08.2 – 10:18.2] So in the crew and try not to miss anything, and, um, so I just keep taking [10:18.2 – 10:23.0] these pills and get out of high school, and I think at this point I was probably snorting them. [10:23.0 – 10:25.8] Um, I'm not really sure. [10:25.8 – 10:32.8] But I go to college and, um, I didn't get a basketball scholarship, which was really depressing for me. [10:32.8 – 10:42.8] Um, my sister like was getting these letters from Duke and, you know, all these crazy good schools, D one, and she was kind of like the, you know, the white [10:42.8 – 10:47.4] sheep and like doing really awesome at everything that I wanted to do, and she was doing it way better. [10:47.4 – 10:51.9] And so I just kind of owned like the, “I'm the fuck up,” um, role. [10:51.9 – 10:55.4] You know, I'm really good at being a fuck up, and so I'm just going to keep doing this. [10:55.4 – 11:00.9] And, um, my parents didn't like that as much as I thought they would. [11:00.9 – 11:06.0] So they kind of started to, you know, try and reel me in a little bit. [11:06.0 – 11:12.0] Um, so I went to KSU for a year and I think I got out of school. [11:12.0 – 11:16.4] I don't think I had– I think I had like a point something GPA. [11:16.4 – 11:19.3] Um, I was drinking a lot. [11:19.3 – 11:24.2] I thought maybe joining a sorority, you know, would help me clean up my act a little bit. [11:24.2 – 11:30.8] So I joined a sorority and paid a shit ton of money, and I did make a couple good friends. [11:30.8 – 11:38.9] You know, I was like, like the one lesbian, you know, in the sorority and, um, I don't know, it was pretty cool. [11:38.9 – 11:49.0] Um- And I don't know, like, I feel like they just hadn't been around gay people a lot, so I felt, you know, like I was cool for [11:49.0 – 11:50.6] some reason and, um… [11:50.6 – 11:55.2] But at that point I'd been drinking a lot, and it wasn't satisfying me for some reason. [11:55.2 – 12:03.9] Um, so after I got kicked out, asked to leave from Kennesaw that summer, um, I started hanging out with my crew friends again. [12:03.9 – 12:09.3] And, um, they were doing a lot of drugs at this point. [12:09.3 – 12:11.2] So I started doing a lot of drugs. [12:11.2 – 12:19.5] Um, Oxycontin and, uh- Was paying a shit ton of money for that and always running out of money. [12:19.5 – 12:29.5] And, uh, my friend was like, “Man, you know, like this is getting really expensive and we can't really support our habit anymore.” And I was like, “You're totally right.” So she was like, [12:29.5 – 12:30.8] “Well, I have a really good idea. [12:30.8 – 12:37.9] Heroin is way cheaper than this shit, and I know just where to get it.” And I was like, “Man, I'm not doing that. [12:37.9 – 12:43.0] You know, like that's for junkies and-” “Uh, that's super sketch. [12:43.0 – 12:50.6] Like you don't know what they put in it, you know, like…” But anyway, I just did it, you know, like because I wanted to be high and, um… [12:50.6 – 12:56.8] So I can remember, um, the first time I shot up heroin. [12:56.8 – 13:06.8] I can remember it clear as day, every single step, and I remember the feeling of warmth, and I was amazed at how fast it hit me, and [13:06.8 – 13:08.4] this was fucking it. [13:08.4 – 13:15.1] Um, this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and from that point forward, nothing else mattered. [13:15.1 – 13:25.9] Um, you didn't matter, my family didn't matter, my friends didn't matter, money didn't matter, um, anything that I had to do to [13:25.9 – 13:27.0] get that next fix. [13:27.0 – 13:36.0] And, um, and it was actually, you know, it was fun for me for a while, um, the chase and kind of getting into that lifestyle, you know. [13:36.0 – 13:38.1] Um, I kind of lived off that. [13:38.1 – 13:48.2] You know, the adrenaline and driving down to shitty parts of Atlanta and, um, you know, feeling like I was some kind of gangster, you know. [13:48.2 – 13:56.6] Um, I like got my windows tinted just 'cause I didn't want to drive down to the Bluffs in my BMW that my parents bought me and these guys knew I was by myself. [13:56.6 – 13:57.8] You know what I mean? [13:57.8 – 13:59.4] Um, I don't know. [13:59.4 – 14:03.1] It was cool and like it was fun for a while, and then it wasn't fun anymore. [14:03.1 – 14:09.1] Um, you know, then it turned into not being sick, you know. [14:09.1 – 14:11.4] Um, and my friend- [14:12.5 – 14:18.0] From the sorority, found out what I was doing and told my parents, and they gave me three ultimatums. [14:18.0 – 14:25.7] They said, “You can move out of the house, you can join the military, or you can join the police academy.” And I was like, “Well, I'm not gonna be homeless. [14:25.7 – 14:34.1] I ain't no pig, and I will join the military.” And so I went off to basic training and did that whole deal. [14:34.1 – 14:39.1] Um, was sober, um, 'cause you have to be there. [14:39.1 – 14:47.6] And, um, came back and thought, “I have a purpose now for my life.” You know, like, I'm not just a junkie anymore. [14:47.6 – 14:57.6] Um, and started running with the same friends and, you know, it turned into holding a flashlight in my mouth at drill, sleeping out in my tent, trying to [14:57.6 – 15:04.8] find a vein, trying to balance a spoon in a dark-ass fucking tent with spiders everywhere, and it was fucking miserable. [15:04.8 – 15:15.0] And I was driving down to Atlanta in my Army uniform 'cause I was like, “They're not gonna think I'm doing heroin when I wear my Army uniform.” So I specifically [15:15.0 – 15:17.2] come down here wearing that, you know. [15:17.2 – 15:21.3] And, um, it didn't help at all. [15:21.3 – 15:23.3] Like, if fucking did at the time. [15:23.3 – 15:27.1] So I was doing heroin again. [15:27.1 – 15:31.1] And, uh, I was dating this girl. [15:31.1 – 15:32.1] Her name was Erin. [15:32.1 – 15:36.4] Um, and we dated for on and off for three years. [15:36.4 – 15:40.0] Um, and at this point, we lived together. [15:40.0 – 15:44.7] It's not for me to say she has a problem with drugs and al- with alcohol. [15:44.7 – 15:45.8] She'd never done drugs before. [15:45.8 – 15:55.8] But, um, pretty much our routine was, um, “I wanna get high tonight, so you can get drunk.” Or, “I wanna get drunk tonight, so you can get high.” [15:55.8 – 15:60.0] And, you know, she would de- she definitely financially supported me. [15:60.0 – 16:02.1] Um, it was a very sick relationship. [16:02.1 – 16:03.2] We stayed together. [16:03.2 – 16:04.0] We hated each other. [16:04.0 – 16:08.2] We stayed together because it was what was normal for us, um, at the time. [16:08.2 – 16:13.9] She– I taught her how to thrust a box under my tongue and throw me in the shower. [16:13.9 – 16:15.4] She had to do that multiple times. [16:15.4 – 16:17.3] Um, she knew how to shoot me up. [16:17.3 – 16:19.3] She had never done a drug before in her life. [16:19.3 – 16:22.1] Um, that's how our relationship got. [16:22.1 – 16:30.9] And, um, for a little while, you know, she wanted me to get off dope and just drink, you know, like a normal person. [16:30.9 – 16:36.3] Um, so I tried doing that, and it turns out the one night I tried doing that, I woke up in jail. [16:36.3 – 16:42.1] Um, I'd gotten a DUI, crashed my car, hit someone else, tried to fight them, pissed in the cop car. [16:42.1 – 16:46.3] You know, like just totally normal and cool. [16:46.3 – 16:51.7] And, um, so I was put on probation, um, for that. [16:51.7 – 16:56.6] And during this time you have to go to probation, they like to drug test you. [16:56.6 – 17:00.5] Um, but that was no reason for me to stop using heroin. [17:00.5 – 17:10.5] Um, so best story is I had a probation meeting, and I went, and she was like, “Hey, we haven't drug tested you in a while. [17:10.5 – 17:17.3] We're gonna do that.” And I was like, “Oh, well, fuck, I don't have to pee, so maybe next time.” And she's like, “No, you can come back after lunch. [17:17.3 – 17:23.7] You have one hour.” And I was like, “Okay.” So I go to Galaxy, that's like twenty minutes away, and I get this detox drink. [17:23.7 – 17:25.5] And it's like fucking huge. [17:25.5 – 17:26.4] It's like this big. [17:26.4 – 17:37.2] And, um, I'm like, “I can chug this drink and then chug water and then pee and then chug water, pee again, and then I'll be fine.” So I'm like, [17:37.2 – 17:39.6] get there, and I'm chugging this drink. [17:39.6 – 17:43.0] And I didn't know that that drink is pretty much vitamins. [17:43.0 – 17:45.1] Like, it's just a shit ton of vitamins. [17:45.1 – 17:46.4] I don't even know really what it does. [17:46.4 – 17:49.3] But it made me– You're not supposed to chug it. [17:49.3 – 17:50.9] It made me projectile vomit. [17:50.9 – 17:56.9] Um, but I had to projectile vomit back into a cup so that I could finish the drink- Oh. [17:56.9 – 17:59.3] -because I had to drink the whole drink to pass the test. [17:59.3 – 17:59.6] Oh. [17:59.6 – 18:05.9] So I did that, and I drank about seventy-two ounces of vomit- Oh. [18:05.9 – 18:07.6] Oh my God. [18:07.6 – 18:15.3] -and detox drink and chug some water and pissed on the side of the building, and I passed my drug test, and I did not go to jail. [18:15.3 – 18:19.4] Um, so that worked. [18:19.4 – 18:30.0] Um, [18:30.0 – 18:32.0] so- Oh. [18:32.0 – 18:32.6] Yes. [18:32.6 – 18:35.7] So, um, moving forward. [18:35.7 – 18:42.7] Um, at this point, I was absolutely miserable. [18:42.7 – 18:45.9] Um, the doing dope was not fun anymore. [18:45.9 – 18:46.9] It was a way of life. [18:46.9 – 18:53.0] And I found a little part in the Big Book I want to read really quick that, that exactly describes how I felt. [18:53.0 – 18:55.6] It says, “My inability to accept the harsh reality- [18:55.9 – 19:02.8] of life had resulted in a delusion cynic, clothed in a protective armor against the world's misunderstanding. [19:02.8 – 19:08.2] That armor had me turned into prison walls, locking me in loneliness and fear. [19:08.2 – 19:18.3] All I had left was an iron determination to live my own life in spite of the alien world, and here I was, an inwardly frightened, outwardly defiant woman who desperately needed a [19:18.3 – 19:19.3] prop to keep going. [19:19.3 – 19:23.4] I felt like none of you understood what I was going through. [19:23.4 – 19:25.1] I had to have this. [19:25.1 – 19:33.6] It's not that I didn't love my family, it's that they did not understand, and if they would only give me what I need to get by, everything would be fine. [19:33.6 – 19:44.1] Um, so long story short, my girlfriend sleeps with our straight roommate in our bed, and I find them, and [19:44.1 – 19:50.5] I'm like, “Fuck you guys,” and I go to my parents, and I'm nodding out on the back deck, and my mom looks in my purse and finds all my shit. [19:50.5 – 19:54.7] So this time it's for real, get the fuck out or go to treatment. [19:54.7 – 20:05.1] And I'm like, “Okay, well, I'm getting the fuck out of here.” So I left, and I had a backpack, and I put like all my shit in my backpack, and she was like, “You can leave with what you paid for.” [20:05.1 – 20:07.6] So I left with an empty backpack and a hoodie. [20:07.6 – 20:13.3] And I'm walking down the street, and I try to go sell some of my Suboxone for dope. [20:13.3 – 20:23.4] And it didn't really work out, so then I was like, “Well, I'm just gonna get high one more time, and then I'll go.” So I got high and I go, “Speed this up.” Um, so I go to treatment, [20:23.4 – 20:30.3] and, um, I went to treatment because I didn't want to face any more consequences, um, for my actions. [20:30.3 – 20:33.1] I did not want to get sober. [20:33.1 – 20:34.9] Heroin was the love of my life. [20:34.9 – 20:36.8] I could not imagine my life without it. [20:36.8 – 20:39.6] Um, it was who I was at this point. [20:39.6 – 20:49.0] Um, so I go to treatment, and I was not the stable recovery newcomer person. [20:49.0 – 20:52.0] Um, I tried to get dope the whole time I was in treatment. [20:52.0 – 20:54.9] Um, I fought it the whole way. [20:54.9 – 20:57.3] I went to treatment in Alabama. [20:57.3 – 21:00.2] Um, wanted to come straight back here. [21:00.2 – 21:07.4] They were like, “No, you're gonna go to a halfway house.” And I was like, “Well, no, I'm not.” And so I went to a halfway house. [21:07.4 – 21:13.3] Um, and, you know, didn't get kicked out of there. [21:13.3 – 21:18.4] Um, you get like three strikes, and I got my three, and I was good, and I stayed. [21:18.4 – 21:22.6] And, um, you know, I started working through the steps. [21:22.6 – 21:33.3] Um, I got to a fourth step, and I sat on it for seven months, um, which I do, do not advise anybody to do if you're on a fourth step. [21:33.3 – 21:40.0] Um, I was very miserable and, um, I ended up getting high. [21:40.0 – 21:42.3] Um, this was after I met Henry. [21:42.3 – 21:49.8] We met at a meeting and, um, ended up moving in together after three months of dating. [21:49.8 – 21:53.7] Um, he had worked through the steps. [21:53.7 – 21:57.6] Um, I hadn't, and I got high. [21:57.6 – 22:02.4] So I don't know what that says about getting in relationships in early recovery if you haven't worked the steps. [22:02.4 – 22:07.5] Um, you know, it's proof to me that I need to work on myself before I do that. [22:07.5 – 22:17.3] And I'm here to say, you know, that my relationship is great, and we're both addicts, and we both do our recovery separately. [22:17.3 – 22:21.5] Um, you know, there's a really bad rep about addicts dating each other. [22:21.5 – 22:32.0] Um, you know, but my– It doesn't say anywhere in the first hundred and sixty-four pages, “Don't get in relationships in early sobriety.” So I'm gonna share my experience that we have– [22:32.0 – 22:33.3] I believe that we're soulmates. [22:33.3 – 22:35.6] Um, we're both sober today. [22:35.6 – 22:37.1] We work our own programs. [22:37.1 – 22:41.1] Um, you know, so I just kinda wanna say that so you guys don't get the wrong idea. [22:41.1 – 22:46.0] Um, but I got high, and preceding that, I thought, “You know what? [22:46.0 – 22:50.4] I could just drink.” I went to drill for two weeks, and I was good the whole time, didn't drink. [22:50.4 – 22:53.0] I probably had six months sober at this time. [22:53.0 – 22:58.0] Um, last day, I was like, “Oh, man, I did it, so I'm gonna get shitfaced. [22:58.0 – 23:08.0] I'm– Actually, I'm just gonna drink two beers.” That's what I said at first, and by the end of the night, I was fucking shitfaced and, um, really drunk and didn't think it was a big deal, [23:08.0 – 23:10.7] didn't think I needed to start over my steps, 'cause I'm a heroin addict. [23:10.7 – 23:13.3] I never cared about drinking before, you know? [23:13.3 – 23:17.2] Like, there was vodka that would sit in my freezer for months that I wouldn't touch. [23:17.2 – 23:19.8] That was because I wanted to do heroin, you know? [23:19.8 – 23:22.7] Like, I didn't wanna drink alcohol and be drunk. [23:22.7 – 23:24.0] I wanted to get fucked up. [23:24.0 – 23:34.1] Like, I had Suboxone, eighty strips of Suboxone in my purse too, but I wasn't gonna do that shit, 'cause what if the dope man calls me back after seven hours of me fucking calling the shit out of him, and he's [23:34.1 – 23:38.0] like, “Oh, well, I have dope now.” And I'm like, “Well, fuck.” Well, you know, now I can't do it. [23:38.0 – 23:39.5] So, like, I didn't wanna overthink- [23:39.7 – 23:42.3] Up anything that, you know, I could possibly get high. [23:42.3 – 23:52.5] And I didn't think I had a problem with alcohol, and I proved to myself, um, you know, three months later, I had a needle sticking out of my arm and I had no idea [23:52.5 – 23:52.9] why. [23:52.9 – 23:54.2] I was going to meetings. [23:54.2 – 23:55.9] I was half-ass calling my sponsor. [23:55.9 – 23:57.8] I was sitting on a four step. [23:57.8 – 24:02.2] But like, you know, I was showing my face in meetings and going out to eat with people who weren't doing drugs. [24:02.2 – 24:06.3] Like, I thought I was doing really good, and I got high. [24:06.3 – 24:11.3] And that was a huge awakening for me. [24:11.3 – 24:22.2] Um, I realized that heroin is not the problem, that I'm the problem, and if I don't do this thing to the best of my ability, then [24:22.2 – 24:24.8] I'm gonna fuck everything up and then I'm gonna die. [24:24.8 – 24:28.8] And I worked the steps. [24:28.8 – 24:30.6] I worked the steps with a vengeance. [24:30.6 – 24:37.4] Um, I didn't fuck around, you know, `cause I'd come in and out of the rooms for a long time, for like seven years. [24:37.4 – 24:45.2] Um, you know, and just kind of didn't give a shit about it, and thought if I just came here, something would rub off on me, and it never did. [24:45.2 – 24:49.0] You know, I kept going back to that place where I'm like, “Well, what the fuck am I doing?” You know? [24:49.0 – 24:50.4] Like … [24:50.4 – 24:59.8] And I finally worked the steps, and like, it's just so weird to have a solution today that comes with no, with no consequences. [24:59.8 – 25:00.2] You know? [25:00.2 – 25:07.7] Like, dope was my solution before, and I would feel good for however good the dope was, maybe ten seconds, you know, maybe two hours. [25:07.7 – 25:09.3] Just depends. [25:09.3 – 25:14.4] Um, but then there would be all these consequences, and I would always need more, you know? [25:14.4 – 25:23.0] And today, like I have a solution, and like my problems just, they just get, you know, like they just get better. [25:23.0 – 25:32.2] Like, they don't go away necessarily, but like I have a way to deal with things today that doesn't cause all this other shit like, like backlash. [25:32.2 – 25:42.3] Um, I do want to tell you guys, I, when Henry and I were dating, um, we were both staying in halfway houses. [25:42.3 – 25:47.0] We probably got stopped by the cops like four times in a one-month period. [25:47.0 – 25:56.8] I don't know if it's `cause we still like looked like drug addicts or what it was, but like they wanted to bring out a K9 unit one time, `cause we were like, “Listen, we are staying at halfway houses, but we're totally sober. [25:56.8 – 26:02.9] And you know, no one's really supposed to know we're staying in this hotel, so like maybe … [26:02.9 – 26:04.2] like let us live. [26:04.2 – 26:05.7] Like here are our key tags. [26:05.7 – 26:11.1] We've got vehicles in our car.” You know? [26:11.1 – 26:16.2] And they're like, “Yeah, well, we need to search your car.” And I was like, you know, didn't let them search my car. [26:16.2 – 26:26.2] But um, one time, I lost my debit card, and I was like, “Well, I know it's in my car and I can't find it,” so I asked the cop to search my car, you know, `cause I knew there were no drugs [26:26.2 – 26:28.4] in it, and he found it in like five minutes. [26:28.4 – 26:30.2] You know, that's a perk of being sober. [26:30.2 – 26:34.9] Um- And, uh, so that was really cool. [26:34.9 – 26:36.7] Like we're cool with the cops now. [26:36.7 – 26:46.9] And you know, um, in all seriousness, like I never thought that this is the life that I wanted, [26:46.9 – 26:47.2] you know? [26:47.2 – 26:54.5] I thought that you guys were boring and glum, and like my life was so exciting. [26:54.5 – 26:57.9] You know, like nodding out and having holes in all my shorts. [26:57.9 – 27:04.6] Like I, I didn't even realize it when I went to treatment, and I'm wearing these fucking shorts. [27:04.6 – 27:13.1] And this guy's like, “Oh, so you nod here?” And I was like, “What?” And there, like there were like 15 cigarette burn holes in these shorts. [27:13.1 – 27:14.6] And I'm just like … [27:14.6 – 27:16.3] It was really awful. [27:16.3 – 27:26.5] Um- But like, I don't know, man, this life is just so awesome that I know, like if you're new, it's hard to believe that, but I never [27:26.5 – 27:26.9] could have … [27:26.9 – 27:30.7] And like, uh, let me talk about the higher power thing, um, `cause that's important. [27:30.7 – 27:34.1] I despised the word God when I came in. [27:34.1 – 27:42.3] I saw the word God on the walls, and I was like, “You guys are fucking crazy if you think I'm gonna get tricked into doing this God stuff.” You know? [27:42.3 – 27:43.5] And they're like, “Yeah, man. [27:43.5 – 27:45.7] Well, like it's God, but it's not that God. [27:45.7 – 27:47.2] Like it's your God,” you know? [27:47.2 – 27:50.2] So I thought it was like just total bullshit. [27:50.2 – 27:53.7] And um, but I was miserable, you know, so I had to give it a chance. [27:53.7 – 27:59.2] And I remember this guy talking in a meeting, and um, he asked two questions. [27:59.2 – 28:09.5] He said, “Do you believe that drugs and alcohol are more powerful than you?” And I thought, “Well, yes, or I wouldn't be here.” And he said, “Do you believe that drugs and alcohol are the most powerful [28:09.5 – 28:20.2] thing in the universe?” And I, all I could think was, “I hope not.” So for me, in the beginning, whatever could possibly be more powerful than heroin [28:20.2 – 28:21.3] was my higher power. [28:21.3 – 28:23.5] Um, and that made it- [28:23.6 – 28:24.6] Very simple for me. [28:24.6 – 28:29.4] Um, you know, this time around I took my sponsor's suggestions. [28:29.4 – 28:33.2] I, like I said, I worked through the steps. [28:33.2 – 28:39.8] Um, I started, you know, actually trying to pray. [28:39.8 – 28:44.5] Um, and if the relationship, I call it God now, you know. [28:44.5 – 28:49.8] Um, which is really weird, because I– that couldn't come out of my mouth before. [28:49.8 – 28:57.3] Um, you know, I try and live my life through God's will. [28:57.3 – 29:02.4] Um, you know, not Dallas' will, I guess, clearly. [29:02.4 – 29:08.9] Um, I don't know, man, I just can't explain like how, how much… [29:08.9 – 29:11.4] You know, life isn't, isn't necessarily easier. [29:11.4 – 29:19.3] Like, I had a really– I'm gonna be honest with you guys, I had such a shitty day the other day, and I felt so sorry for myself, and I was so depressed. [29:19.3 – 29:25.3] You know, and just like, “Fuck all you guys.” And didn't answer any sponsee's phone calls and was just a really shitty person. [29:25.3 – 29:30.2] And my daughter was crying, and I was like, “Why does she have to cry like this?” And she's six months old. [29:30.2 – 29:40.2] And, um, you know, like, “Just let me live my life just for like five minutes.” Um, and you know, like they say, the [29:40.2 – 29:49.4] worst days you have now are not as bad, are better than the best days- … [29:49.4 – 29:51.9] are, are really, you know, aren't even really that bad. [29:51.9 – 29:52.6] Yeah. [29:52.6 – 30:02.8] Because I can remember waking up in the morning when I was using and the f– and I was like psyched to get up, you guys, `cause I had some [30:02.8 – 30:05.7] dope in the kitchen and I was about to go shoot up. [30:05.7 – 30:11.0] But then I get to the kitchen and, like, my bitch girlfriend has flushed it in the night. [30:11.0 – 30:19.3] So I'm waking up and I'm like, “Oh, fuck.” So I'm like trying to shoot up water, you know, like, just because I have to do something with my hands and I'm just like… [30:19.3 – 30:24.3] You know, one time I think she like put ramen noodle powder in the baggie. [30:24.3 – 30:25.5] So I'm like trying to… [30:25.5 – 30:27.5] It's like getting stuck in the rig, you know? [30:27.5 – 30:30.6] And I'm just like stabbing myself with needles, you guys, like… [30:30.6 – 30:32.8] And I'm not trying to like be graphic, you know, whatever. [30:32.8 – 30:33.9] That's just really what happened. [30:33.9 – 30:39.3] And I just remember those kind of things and just feeling like that, like I was back in a corner, you know? [30:39.3 – 30:42.8] And I had the mirror moment and didn't recognize who I was. [30:42.8 – 30:47.8] And you know, I just wanted it to fucking stop, but I didn't want to give it up, like. [30:47.8 – 30:55.6] But I can tell you that today, um, I think about heroin when I'm in a meeting. [30:55.6 – 30:58.8] I think about heroin when I'm working with others. [30:58.8 – 31:04.5] Um, but it's not that I want to do hero– I'm not gonna say that I have not had any fleeting thoughts because that's not true. [31:04.5 – 31:09.9] I have, but they're immediately, immediately replaced with, “That's a bad idea.” And that's the truth. [31:09.9 – 31:13.1] And I never thought in a million years that that would happen to me. [31:13.1 – 31:16.3] You know, I thought that none of you guys were real junkies. [31:16.3 – 31:20.1] You know, I didn't use with any of you fucking people, and you don't know what I went through. [31:20.1 – 31:30.0] Um, you know, but if you stick around for a little while, you see that like these people are, these people are like me and they are fucking sober and it's awesome. [31:30.0 – 31:30.4] You know? [31:30.4 – 31:34.6] Like, I have a little girl today that has never seen me drunk or high. [31:34.6 – 31:42.5] I have an awesome husband, you know, that I'm with because I love him very much, not just because we need to use each other to get what we want. [31:42.5 – 31:48.1] Um, my family talks to me again, you know, through all the fucking shit I put them through. [31:48.1 – 31:53.2] Um, I have real friends today, you know, that aren't just there because they need something from me. [31:53.2 – 31:57.0] Um, and I'm comfortable when I walk in a room today. [31:57.0 – 31:59.7] I'm comfortable being Dallas, which is huge. [31:59.7 – 32:06.1] I have, you know, I have some serenity, um, today and that's awesome. [32:06.1 – 32:08.3] And it's, you know, it's… [32:08.3 – 32:15.1] I would say if you're new, I came into this program, you know, I'm gonna give it a fucking year. [32:15.1 – 32:15.6] Okay? [32:15.6 – 32:23.4] I'll go to treatment, I'll do what you fucking people want me to do, and I'll give it a year and if I want to get high after that year, I'm fucking doing it, you know? [32:23.4 – 32:24.8] Because fuck you. [32:24.8 – 32:33.6] And, um, you know, I would suggest I'm gonna work through the steps and if I want to get high after that, then I'll do it. [32:33.6 – 32:40.1] Because I had, you know, I had a change of heart after the step– not a change of heart. [32:40.1 – 32:43.2] I, um, you know, my mind just changed. [32:43.2 – 32:43.7] I don't know. [32:43.7 – 32:45.3] It just seems like a bad idea today. [32:45.3 – 32:47.8] And I've cleaned out people's cars, you know? [32:47.8 – 32:57.9] And you know, I know it's hard sometimes, but like I try and stay in touch with my higher power today and I think that's huge and work with others and, [32:57.9 – 33:00.9] um, I'm kind of running out of shit to say and my time's up. [33:00.9 – 33:02.7] But I hope you guys enjoyed it. [33:02.7 – 33:05.2] I'm so glad I got to come out here and thank you so much.