Transcript

[00:02.4 – 00:03.1] What's up everybody? [00:03.1 – 00:03.8] My name's Eric. [00:03.8 – 00:04.6] I'm a heroin addict. [00:04.6 – 00:04.8] Eric! [00:04.8 – 00:07.2] Can everybody hear me all right? [00:07.2 – 00:10.0] Yeah. [00:10.0 – 00:13.0] Um, man, it's late. [00:13.0 – 00:14.1] Yeah. [00:14.1 – 00:21.5] I, um, am super grateful, um, to be asked to share. [00:21.5 – 00:22.7] I'm super grateful to be… [00:22.7 – 00:26.8] I'm super grateful to be a member of Heroin Anonymous this week, you know? [00:26.8 – 00:35.6] Um, I've been a member of Heroin Anonymous for a little while and, uh, and I've never been more grateful to be a member of Heroin Anonymous than I have been this week. [00:35.6 – 00:36.3] Yeah. [00:36.3 – 00:40.9] Um, Heroin Anonymous grew up this week, you know? [00:40.9 – 00:47.5] Um, I know a lot of people just got here to the convention and just kind of rolled in since Friday or whatever. [00:47.5 – 00:53.5] Um, but some magic happened here this week, some magic that's been a long time coming. [00:53.5 – 01:03.8] And, uh, and, um, for a long time there have been some really difficult issues [01:03.8 – 01:04.9] on the table, right? [01:04.9 – 01:10.2] That, that there was just no platform to get a group conscience of a worldwide fellowship. [01:10.2 – 01:13.4] And, uh, and that happened this week, right? [01:13.4 – 01:17.0] There was a f- the first ever conference was this week. [01:17.0 – 01:17.0] Yeah. [01:17.0 – 01:24.9] And, uh, it was amaz- It was amazing, right? [01:24.9 – 01:28.9] Now, I, I don't, you know, the words played out, but it was truly amazing, right? [01:28.9 – 01:31.2] It was, uh, it was magic, and we knew it. [01:31.2 – 01:31.7] You know? [01:31.7 – 01:42.7] It was, uh, some difficult topics were brought to the table, and a lot of people came from across the country, um, and really [01:42.7 – 01:49.1] shared well-thought-out, wise experience on, on everything that was shared, right? [01:49.1 – 01:58.7] And, uh, just super fucking impressed, and, uh, just honored to be a part of it, honored to be a, a member of Heroin Anonymous. [01:58.7 – 02:02.7] Um, and, uh, and grateful to be here and grateful to share. [02:02.7 – 02:05.9] Um, so many people in this room tonight, um, I know. [02:05.9 – 02:09.4] So many people in this room tonight have heard me more times than they care to. [02:09.4 – 02:15.7] S- there's I have no idea why you fucking people are here, um- … [02:15.7 – 02:17.0] but, uh, but I love you. [02:17.0 – 02:19.4] And, um, yeah. [02:19.4 – 02:21.6] So, y- I mean, is there anybody new in this room? [02:21.6 – 02:21.9] Who, who, who… [02:21.9 – 02:23.4] Is there anybody in this room under a year? [02:23.4 – 02:24.5] Just curious. [02:24.5 – 02:25.5] Yeah. [02:25.5 – 02:25.8] Nice. [02:25.8 – 02:26.2] Welcome. [02:26.2 – 02:36.3] I, uh, welcome to the sacred insane asylum of Heroin Anonymous. [02:36.3 – 02:43.9] Um, when I got here, um, Heroin Anonymous wasn't what it is today, right? [02:43.9 – 02:45.2] And, and that don… [02:45.2 – 02:48.6] I don't ever want to turn into that guy that was like, “I was, I was here when it sta…” Like, whatever. [02:48.6 – 02:52.9] Um, 'cause I, I wasn't the guy that made Heroin Anonymous, right? [02:52.9 – 02:56.5] There, th- th- there's so many people that are like, “I was the first fucking person,” you know? [02:56.5 – 02:58.5] And it's just like, I wasn't. [02:58.5 – 02:59.1] You know? [02:59.1 – 03:09.2] Um, I started to come around HA when it was a year and some change, and meetings were small, and, um, it wasn't my home group, and I didn't hold a position at area, and, [03:09.2 – 03:09.7] and whatever. [03:09.7 – 03:09.9] Right? [03:09.9 – 03:15.8] But I've been a member of Heroin Anonymous for a really, really long time, and, uh, and it's been cool to watch it grow up. [03:15.8 – 03:16.2] It's been… [03:16.2 – 03:19.2] I've had a, a literally a r- a ringside seat to miracles, right? [03:19.2 – 03:23.8] Like, I was coming around HA since before we had a fucking epidemic, right? [03:23.8 – 03:31.6] And HA was, like, this janky, weird little fell- You know, it was like your third cousin, the little weird one. [03:31.6 – 03:32.1] You know what I mean? [03:32.1 – 03:37.9] Like, picked his nose and wiped it on the w- windows and ate the flies off the windowsill. [03:37.9 – 03:39.1] Like that kid, right? [03:39.1 – 03:41.1] And of the fellowships, right? [03:41.1 – 03:46.3] And, uh, and have just watched it, like, come to maturity, you know? [03:46.3 – 03:48.2] And, uh, it fe… [03:48.2 – 03:53.9] HA is fucking incredible, you know, um, today and, uh, and has been for some time. [03:53.9 – 04:00.2] It was cool to watch at the countdown tonight, um, so much sobriety, you know? [04:00.2 – 04:09.8] Um, there was a time when people said and, you know, you couldn't really fucking dispute it, that, like, people just weren't getting sober in HA. [04:09.8 – 04:10.6] You know? [04:10.6 – 04:13.2] And, uh, and that's not the case. [04:13.2 – 04:15.5] People are getting sober in Heroin Anonymous, you know? [04:15.5 – 04:20.3] People are getting sober in Heroin Anonymous today, and, uh, and it's beautiful to watch. [04:20.3 – 04:20.6] You know? [04:20.6 – 04:25.3] So, um, man, I, I, I don't know. [04:25.3 – 04:34.0] I, uh, I, like, I, I appreciated Tabitha's share earlier, talking about having the perfect American childhood. [04:34.0 – 04:35.3] I had one of those. [04:35.3 – 04:38.1] I had a, I had perfectly average American childhood. [04:38.1 – 04:45.7] Um, but really, actually average, and what I mean by that is, uh, is my father left my mom before I was born. [04:45.7 – 04:49.4] And, uh, it's a joke. [04:49.4 – 04:50.5] You can laugh if you want. [04:50.5 – 04:52.1] It's, it's, it's late. [04:52.1 – 04:59.1] Um My father left my mom before I was born. [04:59.1 – 05:00.1] I failed kindergarten. [05:00.1 – 05:03.7] I, um, was hit by a car, went temporarily blind. [05:03.7 – 05:08.3] Um, I, uh, my mom married my stepdad when I was three and a half. [05:08.3 – 05:08.9] He was a drunk. [05:08.9 – 05:09.8] He was a violent guy. [05:09.8 – 05:11.7] I was glad I could run faster than he could. [05:11.7 – 05:13.1] You know, that sort of story, right? [05:13.1 – 05:17.8] And, uh, and, um, you know, but that was- [05:18.0 – 05:19.8] It was always the outside stuff, right? [05:19.8 – 05:25.2] And, um, there was this thing in the middle of me I could just never shake, right? [05:25.2 – 05:28.1] And I could never pin it on anything that was on the outside. [05:28.1 – 05:30.5] I couldn't pin it on the father I never met. [05:30.5 – 05:34.8] I couldn't pin it on the stepdad that, you know, was drunk and violent. [05:34.8 – 05:37.9] I couldn't pin it on my mom's codependency. [05:37.9 – 05:42.5] I couldn't pin it on, you know, the school system and failing kindergarten, right? [05:42.5 – 05:44.9] Like, 'cause I, I believed that I was born with it. [05:44.9 – 05:47.8] It predated all the bullshit, you know? [05:47.8 – 05:57.9] And it was this feeling this goes back as far as I can remember, man, that was just this, like, rotting feeling that I, you know, they're gonna [05:57.9 – 06:00.9] fucking hang me if I stay here, and they're gonna shoot me if I run. [06:00.9 – 06:03.4] You know, like that f- feeling. [06:03.4 – 06:07.6] And, uh, and I could just never escape it, man, you know? [06:07.6 – 06:09.9] And it, it haunted me my entire life. [06:09.9 – 06:19.9] And, um, and, um, as a result of that, I spent my entire life looking for something [06:19.9 – 06:23.8] out here to resolve a conflict in here. [06:23.8 – 06:24.3] You know what I mean? [06:24.3 – 06:34.0] I look, was looking for something, a desperate beggar looking for something in your world to fix something deeply broken and missing in mine, you know? [06:34.0 – 06:44.0] And, uh, and it just this, like, empty-handed beggar going through life, like, trying to get something from anybody, you know, whether it was your time or your attention or [06:44.0 – 06:50.9] validation or your money or your sex or your love or your friendship or your, your whatever, right? [06:50.9 – 06:52.8] Just give me, give me, give me. [06:52.8 – 06:54.4] And, uh, just empty. [06:54.4 – 06:58.4] Just fuck- like a hungry ghost, you know? [06:58.4 – 07:00.8] Just a, just a beggar of the soul. [07:00.8 – 07:05.6] And, uh, and that's how I g- got through my childhood. [07:05.6 – 07:07.9] Like, that's as far back as I can remember, right? [07:07.9 – 07:13.8] And, uh, like, you know, if you, if, if you asked me why it is I thought I failed kindergarten, right? [07:13.8 – 07:17.2] It's not 'cause, like, I was the dumbest kid in class, right? [07:17.2 – 07:22.8] Like, I just was white-knuckling the ABCs as best I could and- … [07:22.8 – 07:25.0] fucking doing a horrible job, you know? [07:25.0 – 07:35.1] And, um, and I was always the k- I was always the kid that, um, fuck, [07:35.1 – 07:37.1] I was always the kid in, in, like, detention. [07:37.1 – 07:40.3] I was always the kid with, like, a check mark by my name. [07:40.3 – 07:48.1] I was always the kid that, like, you know, was l- lo- rode his motorcycle to school and locked it up the fucking bike rack, you know? [07:48.1 – 07:49.3] Or whatever. [07:49.3 – 07:56.2] And, uh, and, you know, I remember going to the k- the, like, a, a, like, a counselor psychologist when I was a kid. [07:56.2 – 07:58.7] My mom's just like, “He's a br- he's a bright kid. [07:58.7 – 08:00.5] Just got some problems,” you know? [08:00.5 – 08:10.5] And, and, uh, and I remember the, you know, counselor, like, taking me through some tests and whatever, and the psychologist sitting across from me and, you [08:10.5 – 08:15.0] know, it's like I was a fucking felon criminal from the, from day one. [08:15.0 – 08:17.7] He's, like, trying to get stuff out of me, you know what I mean? [08:17.7 – 08:23.0] And I'm just, like, not telling him not to, snitching on anybody- … [08:23.0 – 08:23.8] including myself. [08:23.8 – 08:33.9] And, uh, but I just remember him, like, there were some tests, and he was like, you know, I remember he, like, I was in this waiting room, and he's having a conversation with my mom in his office, [08:33.9 – 08:35.3] and he's, “He's a bright guy. [08:35.3 – 08:36.4] We just can't figure it out. [08:36.4 – 08:37.4] Bring him back. [08:37.4 – 08:43.9] We'll do some more tests.” And it's just like f- I mean, if they coulda just said, “He's a fucking alcoholic,” you know? [08:43.9 – 08:44.7] You know? [08:44.7 – 08:46.6] It would've solved so many things. [08:46.6 – 08:55.4] And, uh, um, but there's no, like, self-test for, you know, your fucking seven-year-old. [08:55.4 – 08:56.9] And so, you know? [08:56.9 – 09:04.0] So, so I, you know, I don't know, I, I tattooed myself, uh, right here in the sixth grade trying to impress the girl sitting next to me. [09:04.0 – 09:10.5] Uh, it was a lightning bolt, uh, that, uh, she wore all black and listened to Depeche Mode, and, uh- … [09:10.5 – 09:16.5] I was really sure that if I tattooed this lightning bolt on myself that she would be, you know, into me. [09:16.5 – 09:20.6] And, uh, and just desperately needing I don't know what. [09:20.6 – 09:23.5] I don't even know what I was trying to do at that point, you know what I mean? [09:23.5 – 09:33.5] Um, I don't know what I would've done if she'd have been impressed by the tattoo, but, um, she– I br- I came back from Christmas break with this tattoo on my hand, and I showed it [09:33.5 – 09:37.2] to her, and she never had another fucking word with me as long as we lived. [09:37.2 – 09:38.7] And, um- … [09:38.7 – 09:41.5] that was not the last bad tattoo I ever got, I promise. [09:41.5 – 09:42.5] Um- … [09:42.5 – 09:49.0] or the last unimpressed girl I ever tried to impress, but, um, that's where it fucking started, you know? [09:49.0 – 09:59.1] I, um, I'd had three concussions, had been hit by a car, um, had been temporarily blind, um, helped my best friend light his house on fire in the third [09:59.1 – 10:03.2] grade playing with matches, and I started out like you guys started out, right? [10:03.2 – 10:07.7] And, uh, I remember the day I fell in love with narcotics like it was fucking yesterday. [10:07.7 – 10:10.4] Um, I stayed home from school. [10:10.4 – 10:19.8] I had a hundred and something fever, and, um, I remember I was, I was laying on the couch all sweaty and called Mom. [10:19.8 – 10:29.9] I was like, “I don't feel good.” She said, “Go to the medicin- go to the medicine cabinet and take a spoonful of cough syrup and, um, call me in, like, an hour, and tell me what happens,” [10:29.9 – 10:30.1] right? [10:30.1 – 10:35.9] And, uh, and so I go to the medicine cabinet, and there's that fucking awful green bottle that nobody wants anything to do- [10:36.0 – 10:36.5] Do with, you know? [10:36.5 – 10:39.5] But right next to it was this orange bottle, right? [10:39.5 – 10:42.5] And it seemed to have, like, a halo around it. [10:42.5 – 10:44.4] And like it was singing to me. [10:44.4 – 10:45.1] You know what I mean? [10:45.1 – 10:49.2] And so I got that bottle instead and had one or seven spoonfuls. [10:49.2 – 10:50.5] I don't really remember. [10:50.5 – 10:55.2] Um, but went back to the couch and had a spiritual experience on codeine syrup and Tom and Jerry. [10:55.2 – 10:59.2] And, uh- And my life was forever changed. [10:59.2 – 10:59.8] You know what I mean? [10:59.8 – 11:05.1] And, uh, and, um, I still like codeine syrup, you know? [11:05.1 – 11:09.5] I haven't taken it in a long time, but, like, codeine syrup is, is fucking magic, you know? [11:09.5 – 11:13.2] Um, and, uh, and that's where it started, right? [11:13.2 – 11:19.4] And so what, what happened next was a, a long l- landslide of bullshit, you know? [11:19.4 – 11:24.7] Of, of chasing, chasing dreams, man. [11:24.7 – 11:25.4] You know what I mean? [11:25.4 – 11:31.5] And, and, uh, and, uh, trying to voraciously recreate this experience. [11:31.5 – 11:32.1] You know what I mean? [11:32.1 – 11:34.7] This, like, this, like … [11:34.7 – 11:37.1] I don't even know how to explain it to you, right? [11:37.1 – 11:41.5] I mean, I, I don't have to explain it to this group of people is what I know, right? [11:41.5 – 11:44.5] I mean, to, to, to what I ha- what do they say? [11:44.5 – 11:50.2] To, to those, to those that know, um, no explanation's necessary. [11:50.2 – 11:53.9] And to those that don't, no explanation's possible, right? [11:53.9 – 11:57.2] And, uh, that's why we're magic, right? [11:57.2 – 12:03.5] There's a guy named Rumi who said, Rumi said, uh, he said, “Lovers don't one day meet each other. [12:03.5 – 12:05.8] They were in each other all along,” right? [12:05.8 – 12:06.9] And that's you, right? [12:06.9 – 12:08.7] Like, not that we're all lovers. [12:08.7 – 12:09.3] That's weird. [12:09.3 – 12:13.1] But, but that, like, kindred souls. [12:13.1 – 12:13.7] You know what I mean? [12:13.7 – 12:18.2] That, that, like, we all came from the same place at the beginning of time. [12:18.2 – 12:24.8] I think it was just, like, ticking off days until I, until I just desperately was seeking to find you. [12:24.8 – 12:25.4] You know what I mean? [12:25.4 – 12:35.5] And I truly believe that everything that happened from the day I was born to the day I walked through the front doors of Heroin Anonymous was, was a n- was a necessary trial [12:35.5 – 12:39.6] by fire to have the proper experience when I arrived to you. [12:39.6 – 12:40.3] You know what I mean? [12:40.3 – 12:50.6] And, and that, and that if I had gotten to you a day sooner or without some s- of the s- substantial pain I survived, [12:50.6 – 12:52.6] then I wouldn't have had what I needed, you know what I mean? [12:52.6 – 12:59.7] And, and in, and in that, and in those terms and in that sense, I'm truly grateful for, for I survived, right? [12:59.7 – 13:03.8] And I'm grateful that you survived your war to share your experience with me, you know? [13:03.8 – 13:06.8] So man, I don't know where the bottle and the bag took you. [13:06.8 – 13:10.5] I don't know where the, you know, the needle, the straw, the spoon, the, the, the … [13:10.5 – 13:12.0] All, all of that shit took you, right? [13:12.0 – 13:16.5] Um, I got a pretty good idea it took you a lot of the places it took me. [13:16.5 – 13:18.6] I don't wanna tell you the whole fucking war story. [13:18.6 – 13:24.9] I'll tell you that, um, that, uh, you know, a lot of weird shit happened, right? [13:24.9 – 13:28.5] A lot of weird shit, a lot of cool shit, a lot of painful shit. [13:28.5 – 13:30.6] I lived with a midget for a little while. [13:30.6 – 13:33.2] I, uh … [13:33.2 – 13:42.6] You know, it's a, it was, he was a ma- I was working in the music industry, and he was, like, my, he was, like, my, my good buddy who was a bass player in a band's nep- I think it was his nephew. [13:42.6 – 13:44.5] And we all had a spot together. [13:44.5 – 13:52.4] And I would come home from the bar, and he would just be passed out on the floor, like clutching this fucking bag of weed like it owed him something, you know what I mean? [13:52.4 – 13:55.8] And, uh, I c- I just … [13:55.8 – 14:03.8] You know how there's just, like, peripheral weird things that happen in your life that you just, it all adds up to, like, what the fuck's happening to me? [14:03.8 – 14:12.9] And but, like, later, you, like, and you don't even register that, like, this shit's weird until, like, later, you think about it, and you're like, “Fuck, that was weird.” You know what I mean? [14:12.9 – 14:16.4] Like, why did he sleep on the floor every night, right? [14:16.4 – 14:17.2] And I, like … [14:17.2 – 14:20.4] It dawned on me just, like, a, uh, like, a year ago. [14:20.4 – 14:30.6] Like, a decade sober, I th- I realized, like, if, if I was only two and a half feet tall and got wasted, like, getting into bed [14:30.6 – 14:33.9] would be like trying to get, climb onto your roof, you know? [14:33.9 – 14:37.7] I'd sleep on the floor, too. [14:37.7 – 14:40.3] Like, uh, just low center of gravity, I guess, right? [14:40.3 – 14:41.0] I, uh … [14:41.0 – 14:46.0] I worked in the music industry for a little while. [14:46.0 – 14:47.0] I don't say that to impress you. [14:47.0 – 14:50.5] It wasn't, I mean, it was, like, nine lifetimes ago, so it's not that relevant, you know? [14:50.5 – 14:58.4] But it took me some interesting places, and it, I met some interesting people, and it afforded me a lot of opportunities to do, you know, more weird shit, right? [14:58.4 – 15:04.9] And, uh, I've got loaded all over, you know, different places and just, you know, insanity, right? [15:04.9 – 15:07.4] Of, uh, of, um … [15:07.4 – 15:17.7] I remember, you know, starting in LA, and we were in a casino, and there was cocaine, and a bunch of pharmaceutical opiates, and a whole lot of whiskey. [15:17.7 – 15:25.9] And then there was, like, a cab, and then I came to I don't know how many days later in Rosarito, Mexico. [15:25.9 – 15:27.2] You know what I mean? [15:27.2 – 15:28.5] Just fuck, right? [15:28.5 – 15:31.1] And, uh … [15:31.1 – 15:32.3] You know, so it's like this, right? [15:32.3 – 15:34.5] I, I, I know that there, I know this is HA. [15:34.5 – 15:36.9] I realize that there are a lot of purists in the room. [15:36.9 – 15:38.2] Um, I'm not. [15:38.2 – 15:42.9] Um, I'm a fucking run-of-the-mill, like, you know … [15:42.9 – 15:43.9] What did I hear the other? [15:43.9 – 15:45.2] I was, I'm a junk box? [15:45.2 – 15:52.8] Who s- I'm a fucking junk box, man. [15:52.8 – 15:53.2] You know what I mean? [15:54.5 – 15:55.7] I really love heroin. [15:55.7 – 16:01.3] Uh, if I can't get heroin, I really love any opiates I can get my hands on, right? [16:01.3 – 16:04.9] But I really love to take my opiates with a lot of methamphetamines, you know? [16:04.9 – 16:09.8] Um, 'cause I like to go down, but mostly I don't wanna know where the fuck I'm going. [16:09.8 – 16:10.4] You know what I mean? [16:10.4 – 16:12.6] Like, let's take an upper and a downer and let 'em fight it out. [16:12.6 – 16:13.8] Let's see what happens, right? [16:13.8 – 16:17.1] And, um, that's how I like to get down, right? [16:17.1 – 16:26.6] And then shit gets a little dicey, so I like the benzos, you know, and then just smooth it out with whiskey because I can drink whiskey in front of nearly anybody. [16:26.6 – 16:29.3] And then you'll understand why I'm so fucked up, you know? [16:29.3 – 16:33.8] And, um, and I get going, and I become physically… [16:33.8 – 16:39.3] I like, I consume so much, I become physically addicted to one or more substances, right? [16:39.3 – 16:41.3] And coming off of them gets really fucking painful. [16:41.3 – 16:44.7] And therefore I don't stop, right? [16:44.7 – 16:52.9] And, and, and, and not only is the physical dependency painful, but even further, it's not the physical dependency that's, that's painful. [16:52.9 – 17:00.3] What's happens for people like me is it's not that I've s- the kicking, it's what's left when it's complete. [17:00.3 – 17:02.4] When I'm totally detoxed, right? [17:02.4 – 17:06.0] That's the most excruciating fucking thing I can think of, you know? [17:06.0 – 17:10.1] And, uh, so it's not about can you kick, you know what I mean? [17:10.1 – 17:14.6] It's about like, I don't know, can I fucking stave off the world? [17:14.6 – 17:17.2] How do you keep the wolves at the door, right? [17:17.2 – 17:20.3] And, uh, and behind that I just, I just stay loaded, you know what I mean? [17:20.3 – 17:24.5] And I, uh, by the time I was 16, I got a car. [17:24.5 – 17:28.9] Um, shortly afterwards I got a ticket for I don't know what. [17:28.9 – 17:31.5] Um, it was a v- old vintage Volkswagen. [17:31.5 – 17:38.6] It was black and I tinted the windows and engraved these Budweiser emblems in the, in the rear quarter panels and, um- … [17:38.6 – 17:39.9] hammered it to the ground. [17:39.9 – 17:41.9] You couldn't even fit a pack of cigarettes under that thing. [17:41.9 – 17:48.4] And stole this, um, hot rod motor out of this other VW on acid one night. [17:48.4 – 17:52.9] And, uh, well, it was, uh, I think the easiest motors in the world to steal. [17:52.9 – 17:55.9] Four bolts, a throttle cable, and a fuel line. [17:55.9 – 17:59.4] You could just pop the thing up, put it right on your skateboard and- … [17:59.4 – 18:01.9] just, like, fucking eyes this big, you know what I mean? [18:01.9 – 18:08.2] And, and I remember I got pulled over and I couldn't figure out why I would get pulled over driving this thing every time. [18:08.2 – 18:08.8] You know what I mean? [18:08.8 – 18:14.4] And I got, I started to get tickets a lot, and I don't fucking have a job 'cause I'm too high. [18:14.4 – 18:21.7] And, you know, I don't pay fines 'cause I'm too high, and so I don't show up to court 'cause I'm high. [18:21.7 – 18:25.4] And, and, uh, and then I get warrants and, you know. [18:25.4 – 18:30.6] And then I'm like, “Fuck that.” And then they catch me, and then they, you know, put me in front of the judge and it's like, “Mr. [18:30.6 – 18:33.8] Owen, you're a fucking idiot.” And I'm, “Yes, sir.” And, you know. [18:33.8 – 18:35.7] “We're gonna release you. [18:35.7 – 18:39.3] Will you show back up to court on…” “Yes, whatever you want,” you know, and then I don't. [18:39.3 – 18:42.6] And, uh, and that's just like a s- it's just, that's the way it goes, right? [18:42.6 – 18:46.4] And so I st- I get my license is suspended before I turned 17 years old, right? [18:46.4 – 18:50.4] And it stayed that way until I got sober, which was 34 years old. [18:50.4 – 18:53.2] Straight through, 17 years. [18:53.2 – 18:53.8] You know what I mean? [18:53.8 – 19:00.1] Like, when I got sober, my suspended driver's license was old enough to drive, which isn't as fucking cool as it sounds. [19:00.1 – 19:02.1] And, uh. [19:02.1 – 19:08.2] Just a lot of arrests, a lot of dumb shit. [19:08.2 – 19:11.5] And, uh, you know, I don't know, man. [19:11.5 – 19:13.6] I'm just gonna get to getting sober, right? [19:13.6 – 19:15.0] Like, a whole lot of stuff happened, right? [19:15.0 – 19:22.7] There was, like, fucking SWAT teams and K-9 units and, you know, living in a car and e- eating out of a fucking dumpster and, you know, whatever, right? [19:22.7 – 19:25.1] Like, all the cool shit you guys did, I did that, too. [19:25.1 – 19:34.7] And, uh- And, um, what happened was this, man, is I, I was, I was about 45 pounds less than I weigh now. [19:34.7 – 19:37.5] Sort of, like, a grayish, greenish, yellowish, bluish color. [19:37.5 – 19:39.7] I hadn't been outside in a long time. [19:39.7 – 19:42.2] You could see what was happening under my skin, through my skin. [19:42.2 – 19:47.3] And I, um, I, um, like I said, I had warrants for my arrest. [19:47.3 – 19:57.8] I was, I was at a warrant for my arrest for a probation violation on possession of heroin, and I was fucking sucked up, and I just lost a custody case for a three-and-a-half-year-old [19:57.8 – 19:59.4] daughter that I absolutely loved. [19:59.4 – 20:02.9] And, and the way I lost it wasn't I lost custody. [20:02.9 – 20:06.2] The way I lost it was a DNA test proved that little girl wasn't mine. [20:06.2 – 20:10.3] And, uh, I had already been a hope-to-die drug addict. [20:10.3 – 20:16.4] And that little girl, when she was born, became the last reasonable reason to be civil. [20:16.4 – 20:17.1] You know what I mean? [20:17.1 – 20:23.1] She was my last reason to be, to wake up and try to be a fucking decent human being today. [20:23.1 – 20:23.6] You know what I mean? [20:23.6 – 20:30.3] She was my last reason to wake up and try to have a better day than yesterday or try to make a better world, right? [20:30.3 – 20:34.5] And, uh, and when that happened, man, like, I was out, dude. [20:34.5 – 20:36.0] I'm fucking out, you know what I mean? [20:36.0 – 20:37.6] Like, I'm out on your civilization. [20:37.6 – 20:38.6] I'm out on humanity. [20:38.6 – 20:40.1] I want nothing to fucking do with you. [20:40.1 – 20:42.2] My world shrank really rapidly. [20:42.2 – 20:50.4] I don't go outside during the daytime anymore 'cause if I hear a little girl cry or a kid say, “Daddy,” it breaks me in ways I can't fucking describe to you, right? [20:50.4 – 20:56.2] And, uh, and it all links back to me not knowing my father and my stepdad being drunk and violent and this. [20:56.2 – 21:00.7] It's a whole fucking madness that lives inside of me that I can't reconcile, right? [21:00.7 – 21:05.1] I wasn't born with the necessary tools to, like, adapt to this shit. [21:05.1 – 21:09.8] And I know that some people suffer way worse stuff than this, and they're just like, “Oh, fuck it,” you know? [21:09.8 – 21:10.6] “Move on,” right? [21:10.6 – 21:11.7] And, like, I don't know how to do- [21:11.9 – 21:12.5] do that, you know? [21:12.5 – 21:14.9] I don't know what, like, turn it over mean. [21:14.9 – 21:17.0] Like, how do you f- how does that work? [21:17.0 – 21:17.6] You know what I mean? [21:17.6 – 21:22.5] And, uh, and, uh, and I'm just so fucking broken, you know? [21:22.5 – 21:25.8] And, um, and I just, I just, I just wanna die, you know? [21:25.8 – 21:27.9] And I've just wanted to die for some years. [21:27.9 – 21:37.8] And, and one of you guys, an average everyday hero, rolled up on me and just said s- as simple as, just straight out, “You don't have to live or die this way if you don't want to. [21:37.8 – 21:43.2] You can get sober.” And, uh, and I said what you would've said, which, “That sounds great, but I'm busy. [21:43.2 – 21:49.0] I gotta go.” And, um- And that was Cr- that was Christmas Day 2005. [21:49.0 – 21:51.8] And what happened was, is that guy prayed for me. [21:51.8 – 21:58.7] And how I know he prayed for me is that within 24 hours I was hemmed up in a Home Depot for borrowing some things I wasn't gonna return. [21:58.7 – 22:08.0] Escorted down to our fi- our fine county jail, which, you know, our sheriff is world famous. [22:08.0 – 22:09.6] And, uh, you know. [22:09.6 – 22:19.7] And, um, and while they were booking me on a probation violation for possession of heroin, um, and, [22:19.7 – 22:21.4] uh, petty theft or some shit. [22:21.4 – 22:30.2] And they f- they booking me in and the guy with the X-ray machine finds a substantial quantity of methamphetamines and charged me. [22:30.2 – 22:32.3] Well, he didn't charge me immediately with a felony too. [22:32.3 – 22:38.9] What he said was, he said, “This is a lot of methamphetamines to have inside of a jail.” And I just looked at him like, “Sorry,” you know? [22:38.9 – 22:49.3] And, um- And, um, and he said, “If you tell me where you got it and who you got it from, [22:49.3 – 22:56.3] uh, then, uh, you know, we'll make it a misdemeanor.” And I, you know, I got a felony too that day is what happened. [22:56.3 – 23:05.3] And, um, 'cause I went, “Fuck you.” And, uh- And so, so I come, I come to in county, I don't know how many days later. [23:05.3 – 23:14.3] I, I, what grace means to a guy like me is, you know, I felt every fucking moment of every kick I've ever had in my life except that one, right? [23:14.3 – 23:17.1] Like, I, like, I don't know what happened that day. [23:17.1 – 23:21.4] Um, but I was so strung out on everything I could get my fucking hands on. [23:21.4 – 23:23.8] I just came to in January. [23:23.8 – 23:26.7] I just came to in January. [23:26.7 – 23:28.2] I don't remember nothing, right? [23:28.2 – 23:31.2] Just, like, some, some shit f- carried me right through that. [23:31.2 – 23:36.5] And I came to in January, and there was this feeling in my, there were, well, fir- there was a couple things happened, right? [23:36.5 – 23:43.0] There's this understanding, I don't know, like an intellectual, not, you know, like an experiential understanding, right? [23:43.0 – 23:53.2] That, that, um, there was no point in calling anybody, making a plan, trying to fucking spin a lie, tell a story, bond out, bail out, [23:53.2 – 23:54.3] O- OR, nada, right? [23:54.3 – 23:58.5] Like, 'cause everything I know leads me right back to where I am, right? [23:58.5 – 24:02.5] And in this, like, understanding was this experience, right? [24:02.5 – 24:06.8] And this, like, weird, eerie calm that had happened to me, right? [24:06.8 – 24:09.1] And I know today what that was was a surrender. [24:09.1 – 24:10.1] I didn't know it then. [24:10.1 – 24:12.0] It just, I felt like I was dying. [24:12.0 – 24:12.9] I don't know. [24:12.9 – 24:15.7] Um, or, like, I felt like I was in a void of some sort. [24:15.7 – 24:19.2] I just felt, uh, like the fight wasn't there. [24:19.2 – 24:22.4] It was just like weirdly. [24:22.4 – 24:23.3] You know what I mean? [24:23.3 – 24:33.6] And, uh, and there was this nagging feeling inside of me that it was clear as day and it just said, “Dude, if you're not gonna die, please find a way to live 'cause this fucking [24:33.6 – 24:34.6] hurts.” You know? [24:34.6 – 24:44.6] And I remember that guy and he, you know, told me there was a way out and I, uh, I called him up and he said if I could get out, come find him which, uh, I [24:44.6 – 24:49.0] put my truck up for bail and I kind of been living out of it so it sort of left me residentially challenged. [24:49.0 – 24:55.2] And I walked through the front doors of a place, um, in Arizona on Friday the 13th, January of 2006. [24:55.2 – 25:01.8] It was 11:30 at night and, um, a full moon outside and, and I met you people. [25:01.8 – 25:04.4] And, uh, and I fell in love with you guys the day we met. [25:04.4 – 25:06.1] And I mean that sincerely. [25:06.1 – 25:11.8] I'm not s- jerking you off or that sounds cute or like, like I f- I fell in love with you guys the day we met. [25:11.8 – 25:16.9] I, I knew the day we met that, like, that we vibrated on the same frequency. [25:16.9 – 25:17.8] You know what I mean? [25:17.8 – 25:20.7] That, like, and I, and I knew that I desperately needed you. [25:20.7 – 25:27.9] I knew that I had been trying to find one person like any one of you who could just tell me the truth about me. [25:27.9 – 25:34.3] And, uh, and I had not only found one person, I had found 50 people is the room I walked into. [25:34.3 – 25:37.9] And then you guys took me to a, and there were 50 more people. [25:37.9 – 25:43.4] And then there was 100 more people, and then there was 1,000 people, and now I know there are millions of us, right? [25:43.4 – 25:48.3] And, uh, at the time in 2006, man, like, we were still anonymous. [25:48.3 – 25:49.1] You know what I mean? [25:49.1 – 25:53.5] Like, we were real- like, Facebook, you know, it wasn't like every fucking sober epiphany. [25:53.5 – 26:01.6] You know, it was, you know, there weren't like every great saying said by everybody made a meme, you know, hashtag sober. [26:01.6 – 26:02.2] Like, you know what I mean? [26:02.2 – 26:05.9] Like, there wasn't Facebook, there wasn't, I think we had Myspace, right? [26:05.9 – 26:08.5] And, um- Yeah. [26:08.5 – 26:10.4] She had my space. [26:10.4 – 26:14.9] You know? [26:14.9 – 26:21.9] And, um, and it just, it, uh, if I can't explain it. [26:21.9 – 26:29.7] If, like, when I f- when we, when I found you or you found me or whatever, like, it just fucked me up, right? [26:29.9 – 26:36.3] And this guy who told me there was a way out spoke to me, right? [26:36.3 – 26:45.9] That doesn't sound probably that strange to you, but you have to understand that at the time I got sober, I, I had one key, and that was to the car, right? [26:45.9 – 26:47.8] And that that car … [26:47.8 – 26:48.8] There's two, I'm sorry, two keys. [26:48.8 – 26:54.1] One was to, one was to the, to the truck I lived in, which wasn't a bad truck, but it made a shitty house. [26:54.1 – 27:02.9] And, uh, and the other key was to my mom's house, which sounds like it'd be useful except that it was so utterly, completely full of shame. [27:02.9 – 27:06.4] I just couldn't go there, you know? [27:06.4 – 27:08.4] And, uh, there were two keys. [27:08.4 – 27:09.9] My name was on no documents. [27:09.9 – 27:12.4] Um, I had no responsibilities. [27:12.4 – 27:14.8] I had no attachments to anyone anywhere. [27:14.8 – 27:21.0] I'd been living underground on the soft underbelly of darkness for a long, long, long, long time. [27:21.0 – 27:31.1] And, um, and when I wa- and when I walked into the rooms, and this man who 12-stepped me started to speak to [27:31.1 – 27:35.3] me, him just speaking to me fucked me up, right? [27:35.3 – 27:45.4] 'Cause, like, people had been yelling at me, talking at me, talking through me like a fucking pet or a [27:45.4 – 27:48.8] wild animal or like a piece of furniture or … [27:48.8 – 27:49.2] You know what I mean? [27:49.2 – 27:51.4] Like, I wasn't having two-way conversations anymore. [27:51.4 – 27:53.5] Like, I was completely fucking schizophrenic. [27:53.5 – 28:00.5] I couldn't differentiate the truth from, like, like, what happened yesterday to what I thought might happen tomorrow from what was happening right now. [28:00.5 – 28:06.1] Just all blended together into this, like, gray matter that was my existence. [28:06.1 – 28:06.7] You know what I mean? [28:06.7 – 28:09.8] And, like, I, I lost a lot of things in my life, right? [28:09.8 – 28:13.5] Like, I put more shit in pawn shops than a lot of people ever own. [28:13.5 – 28:16.8] Uh, the most painful thing I ever lost was my mind. [28:16.8 – 28:19.7] And, uh, and it was ter- it was terrifying, you know? [28:19.7 – 28:30.2] And, um, and this guy spoke to me and, like, spoke right into the middle of my fucking being, and it just fucked me up, [28:30.2 – 28:30.4] you know? [28:30.4 – 28:32.3] Just be- being … [28:32.3 – 28:40.4] It was like the, it was like the first time someone had spoken to me and acknowledged me as even being human in years. [28:40.4 – 28:42.6] And I don't know if you relate to any of that. [28:42.6 – 28:43.5] Probably you don't. [28:43.5 – 28:46.0] All of you are looking at me like I'm psychotic. [28:46.0 – 28:47.9] I probably am. [28:47.9 – 28:48.8] I don't know. [28:48.8 – 28:56.0] And, uh, and this guy, man, I, I had no explanation for what he was doing. [28:56.0 – 28:59.8] He, he, um, he, he, he had gotten sober and retired. [28:59.8 – 29:03.4] I had heard these insane stories about him, you know? [29:03.4 – 29:08.1] Like, he was my little brother's wife's dad, and he'd retired with a bunch of millions. [29:08.1 – 29:11.2] Um, he'd started a company and been really successful, and he retired. [29:11.2 – 29:12.2] He was this … [29:12.2 – 29:17.0] He found crack cocaine when he retired, and, uh, that went exactly like you think it did, right? [29:17.0 – 29:20.2] And, uh, I would hear these really cool stories about him, right? [29:20.2 – 29:24.7] Like, he would, you know, go to, like, a hotel and, uh, like, get … [29:24.7 – 29:30.4] rent three rooms so he could be in one of them, and you'd have l- less chance of finding him, you know? [29:30.4 – 29:36.9] Um, he had stashed large sums of money in every major bank so he would never reach his ATM limit, you know? [29:36.9 – 29:39.0] Like, this dude's my fucking hero, right? [29:39.0 – 29:47.7] And, um, I also didn't understand how it is that you could get sober with that much resource. [29:47.7 – 29:48.4] You know what I mean? [29:48.4 – 29:51.0] Like, 'cause I'd have been fucking dead, you know? [29:51.0 – 29:59.0] And, uh, and the fact that he got sober while he wasn't broke and, like, he just had all this shit going on, and I, and, and he … [29:59.0 – 30:09.0] And this guy, you know, who was, like, successful and had a wife and for whatever reason, man, would stop and take time out of his life and come [30:09.0 – 30:10.1] talk to me, right? [30:10.1 – 30:12.2] I just fucking didn't understand it, man. [30:12.2 – 30:14.0] I didn't understand it, right? [30:14.0 – 30:19.1] But the very fact that he did that gave, gave me strength, you know? [30:19.1 – 30:20.6] It gave me inertia. [30:20.6 – 30:29.0] It gave me a reason to wake up, and, and this guy saw something in that I didn't see in myself, you know? [30:29.0 – 30:31.8] And, uh, and that's how it started, right? [30:31.8 – 30:36.4] So I, I got here, and, and I was introduced to the steps on the wall, which aren't on these walls. [30:36.4 – 30:43.5] But I was introduced to the steps, and I saw them on the wall and, and, and, and the day I saw those steps, I remember it. [30:43.5 – 30:45.3] Um, I couldn't hardly read. [30:45.3 – 30:46.8] My mind was really scrambled. [30:46.8 – 30:53.6] I shook like this for about the first, uh, six months I was sober and twitched every once in a while and, you know. [30:53.6 – 30:59.8] And, and, um, and I was introduced to the steps on the wall, and I remember two things from that. [30:59.8 – 31:02.2] One, uh, three things. [31:02.2 – 31:04.6] One, I, I read the steps from top to bottom. [31:04.6 – 31:07.1] Took me a minute, but I, I read them. [31:07.1 – 31:14.5] And I thought, “Those all make sense up till number two.” And, um, you know? [31:14.5 – 31:15.3] And then … [31:15.3 – 31:25.3] But at the same time, man, like, I read those steps, and I knew, like, at [31:25.3 – 31:31.2] the depth, at the core of my being that every one of those steps was something I personally needed to do. [31:31.2 – 31:37.3] For reasons I couldn't explain, I knew that every one of those steps was something I personally needed to do, right? [31:37.3 – 31:42.2] I knew that I was fucked and that I could not unfuck myself, and I had been trying for years, right? [31:42.2 – 31:46.5] I knew that I needed to find something else to believe besides the bullshit I believed. [31:46.5 – 31:47.6] I knew that I needed to f- [31:47.8 – 31:49.1] Find a different way to live. [31:49.1 – 31:59.4] I knew that I was full of fucking secrets and garbage that I'd collected my entire life, and that quite possibly, most of it might not be real, you know? [31:59.4 – 32:10.1] I knew that I had been carrying around secrets of my own and other peoples that, um, that, uh, there was a point just before that [32:10.1 – 32:15.4] when if I'd died, it would've been not with a bang or not some fucking cool bravado. [32:15.4 – 32:17.8] It would've just been a fucking sad whimper in the dark. [32:17.8 – 32:18.5] You know what I mean? [32:18.5 – 32:23.7] And that my entire life would've been nothing more than what a fucking waste, you know? [32:23.7 – 32:34.0] And, uh, and I knew when I saw the steps on the wall that, that the war I'd lived needed to at least be honored [32:34.0 – 32:37.9] before I left this planet by sharing the whole fucking truth with another human being. [32:37.9 – 32:46.0] 'Cause I would tell you something, and I would tell you something, and I would tell you something, and I would hope none of you motherfuckers ever met, you know? [32:46.0 – 32:48.6] And, uh, and that would been, that'd been it. [32:48.6 – 32:49.1] You know what I mean? [32:49.1 – 32:52.6] Like my whole existence had been like parted out to people, right? [32:52.6 – 32:55.5] And then everybody knew a different story or a different part of the story. [32:55.5 – 32:58.2] Nobody really knew the whole truth about me, right? [32:58.2 – 33:05.1] And, uh, and I knew that, that, that, that, uh, the pl- the plight I'd struggled through just ne- needed to be honored in that way. [33:05.1 – 33:08.6] I knew that there were big things about me that needed to change or get rid of. [33:08.6 – 33:18.6] I knew that, um, I knew that a big part of why I stayed loaded the way that I did was because of the people I'd harmed and the, and the things I'd [33:18.6 – 33:19.0] done. [33:19.0 – 33:24.8] And, uh, and if there was a way to make that right before I left this planet, that that needed to happen. [33:24.8 – 33:35.0] I knew that, that, um, if I ever was to find any kind of peace was I– If I was to ever find a way to live, I needed to find a way to sit [33:35.0 – 33:39.5] quietly with myself without distraction, just unattended. [33:39.5 – 33:40.7] You know what I mean? [33:40.7 – 33:48.0] Um, and if I could use any of that to help another human being, it would've been a gift that, that I, I couldn't have ever imagined, right? [33:48.0 – 33:50.4] And, uh, and that's what the steps promised me. [33:50.4 – 33:54.3] Now, that's still, that wasn't what tempted me to go through 'em, right? [33:54.3 – 34:03.1] Like what happened was the dude that 12 steps me said simply, “This, this is, this is the, this is, this is what we do,” right? [34:03.1 – 34:04.3] “This is a 12 step fellowship. [34:04.3 – 34:05.8] You're gonna belong to a 12 step fellowship. [34:05.8 – 34:07.5] You may wanna consider the 12 steps,” right? [34:07.5 – 34:09.6] Which was like And, uh. [34:09.6 – 34:17.3] And so I went through those steps on, on, on one real motive, right? [34:17.3 – 34:27.8] And that was, um, that this guy seemed to have his shit together, and I was gonna do what he said, and that if my life went to shit, I'd have someone to blame besides me for a change. [34:27.8 – 34:28.8] And that was it, man. [34:28.8 – 34:29.2] You know what I mean? [34:29.2 – 34:31.7] Like that was the, that was the big motive, right? [34:31.7 – 34:33.9] And, uh, I started at one, I went to 12, right? [34:33.9 – 34:38.6] And now while this is happening, all sorts of stuff is also happening, right? [34:38.6 – 34:42.3] So I, um, I go through a 28-day treatment center. [34:42.3 – 34:48.9] I remember vividly the day that, that I found out that, that something happened, right? [34:48.9 – 34:51.1] Like that I've realized something had happened. [34:51.1 – 34:53.6] And I was about halfway through this 28 days. [34:53.6 – 34:58.7] I'm standing out in front of the mess hall and, uh, waiting for breakfast. [34:58.7 – 35:02.4] It was the first time I'd been able to like, get out of bed that early, you know what I mean? [35:02.4 – 35:11.2] My body was so fucking broken and, uh, and I was standing there, and I watched the sun come up over this little ghetto alley in Chandler, Arizona. [35:11.2 – 35:16.7] And, uh, and these, my fucking eyes just started to water, man, you know? [35:16.7 – 35:26.8] And, uh, and I realized in that moment that that was the first time that I'd seen the sun come up, and I wasn't like on my way to get dope or [35:26.8 – 35:28.5] up from the night before. [35:28.5 – 35:31.3] And I couldn't remember how long, you know what I mean? [35:31.3 – 35:32.7] Many years. [35:32.7 – 35:33.1] Years. [35:33.1 – 35:42.9] And, uh, and I realized in that moment that, um, that I couldn't remember when it had left, right? [35:42.9 – 35:46.7] Like that, that gnawing thing, you know? [35:46.7 – 35:47.7] That obsession. [35:47.7 – 35:50.5] When it– I couldn't remember when it had left, right? [35:50.5 – 35:53.6] And, uh, and what happened was this, right? [35:53.6 – 36:03.7] What happened was I started at one, and I went to 12, and somewhere between one and 12, this real palpable magic, this thing that I saw you with, [36:03.7 – 36:05.0] I got, right? [36:05.0 – 36:08.6] And, uh, and I, you know, it was the thing I couldn't steal from you. [36:08.6 – 36:10.1] I couldn't borrow it from, you know? [36:10.1 – 36:12.2] And, um, and I got it, right? [36:12.2 – 36:22.5] And, and what happened was, in my experience, I believe there's a guy named Father Ed Dowling, and Father Ed Dowling said, he said, um, “Spiritual [36:22.5 – 36:27.3] growth is a process of detachment, not attainment,” right? [36:27.3 – 36:30.2] Which is to say it's one of subtraction, not addition. [36:30.2 – 36:38.3] And what happened is that in the process between o- one and 12, it's not what I got, it's what I lost, right? [36:38.3 – 36:42.2] What I lost was resentment and fear and selfishness and dishonesty. [36:42.2 – 36:44.5] I mean, a lot was still there, but a lot left, right? [36:44.5 – 36:54.7] And, um, a lot of, like all of the things that had weighed me down as I wrote inventory and shared it and started to make amends and all of these things, um, [36:54.7 – 37:05.1] this, this weight that was on me, the fear, the pain, the hate, the judgment, the grief, the guilt, regret, sadness, sorrow, [37:05.1 – 37:05.6] anxiety [37:05.8 – 37:07.0] anxiety, depression, all … [37:07.0 – 37:09.6] It just started to lift out of me, right? [37:09.6 – 37:13.8] And, uh, and in the absence of that, the mental obsession left, right? [37:13.8 – 37:14.7] It was that simple. [37:14.7 – 37:23.6] And, uh, and, um, you guys explained what it meant to be me, right, which I had never heard, right? [37:23.6 – 37:30.9] I, I didn't understand what it meant to be, uh, to have alcoholism, right? [37:30.9 – 37:37.9] Now I'm just gonna say alcoholism 'cause I agree with the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and threefold illness and the solution outlined therefore, right? [37:37.9 – 37:43.1] And whether you treat your alcoholism with, you know, black tar alcohol or whatever you got, I don't give a shit, you know? [37:43.1 – 37:45.5] Uh, we're just calling it alcoholism, right? [37:45.5 – 37:48.7] It's what's le- the ism what's left when it's gone. [37:48.7 – 37:54.7] And, uh, and, um, I didn't understand what it meant to be me, right? [37:54.7 – 37:57.1] Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was really clear, right? [37:57.1 – 37:59.6] It says the main problem of the alcoholic centers in the mind. [37:59.6 – 38:06.1] And, um, and, uh, what that means to me is that I, I have this mental illness, right? [38:06.1 – 38:10.4] It's fuck– really awkward and, you know, it's like we don't, don't say that much, right? [38:10.4 – 38:10.9] 'Cause we … [38:10.9 – 38:14.7] maybe it's an outside issue to say mental illness, but, like, let's just breathe that shit in. [38:14.7 – 38:16.4] Mental illness, you know? [38:16.4 – 38:18.1] Mental illness. [38:18.1 – 38:20.9] And, uh, I think it's important I understand that, right? [38:20.9 – 38:25.6] And here's why it's, here's why it's fucking so important we understand that, right? [38:25.6 – 38:34.0] Um, they just released the statistics for 2017 last week for overdoses. [38:34.0 – 38:35.6] Anybody catch that? [38:35.6 – 38:40.1] 72,000 overdoses in America last year. [38:40.1 – 38:43.8] 72,000 overdoses in America last year. [38:43.8 – 38:46.4] 72,000. [38:46.4 – 38:50.9] That's 197 per day, right? [38:50.9 – 38:52.1] 190… [38:52.1 – 38:55.3] So there are 300 chairs in this room, right? [38:55.3 – 38:60.0] So two-thirds of this room every day, like clockwork, right? [38:60.0 – 39:01.9] That's a 737. [39:01.9 – 39:04.8] 737 has roughly 200 seats in it. [39:04.8 – 39:13.5] It's like a 737 going down every fucking day without fail all year long, right? [39:13.5 – 39:20.3] That's like se- that's several school buses, you know, a day, right? [39:20.3 – 39:25.4] And, uh, I don't believe the world understands us. [39:25.4 – 39:27.5] That's the problem, right? [39:27.5 – 39:30.5] That's, that's, uh, that's, that's the problem I think we're up against, right? [39:30.5 – 39:32.8] I don't think that the world understands us, right? [39:32.8 – 39:37.0] The world doesn't understand what it means to be me, right? [39:37.0 – 39:41.4] Um, m- case in point, you know, it's like this, right? [39:41.4 – 39:51.4] You wanna really, like, understand how d- you think people you know even get it, or doctors or people who should know what it means to be us. [39:51.4 – 39:54.2] You think they understand, but they don't fucking understand, right? [39:54.2 – 39:57.6] My mom said to me once, she said, “Eric, you're not a dumb guy. [39:57.6 – 40:01.5] Um, can you explain to me how it is that you've been incarcerated 23 times? [40:01.5 – 40:06.4] 'Cause I'd sure love to understand.” I said as complete cla- simply as I could explain it to her. [40:06.4 – 40:08.8] I said, “Well, Mom, you know, it's just like this, right? [40:08.8 – 40:11.0] The next time you go swimming, go underwater, hold your breath. [40:11.0 – 40:11.6] If you … [40:11.6 – 40:14.1] When you run out of oxygen, don't come up right away, you know? [40:14.1 – 40:24.7] And when this overwhelming sense of, like, urgent fear and panic consume you, and every fiber of your being says that if you don't get a gasp of oxygen fast, you might die, know [40:24.7 – 40:31.8] that's, that's, that's what I'm feeling when I need the dope, you know?” And she looked at me like I was insane. [40:31.8 – 40:41.8] And I knew I was, and I understood how it is that someone like my mom doesn't burn her [40:41.8 – 40:44.7] life to the ground periodically or every day, you know? [40:44.7 – 40:52.1] Why my mom never did shit like, “Hey, babe, I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes, and then I come back two weeks from now,” you know? [40:52.1 – 40:57.4] Um, she doesn't have that thing, you know, that, like, nagging. [40:57.4 – 40:58.7] Just chews on me. [40:58.7 – 41:00.8] Just one more, just one more, just one… [41:00.8 – 41:01.5] You know? [41:01.5 – 41:04.3] And, uh, and that's that, right? [41:04.3 – 41:05.8] It's, it's that fucking simple. [41:05.8 – 41:09.9] And, um, and the world at large doesn't understand it, right? [41:09.9 – 41:16.0] So we, drug addicts, become, um, a commodity. [41:16.0 – 41:18.0] We become marginalized, right? [41:18.0 – 41:28.0] We have, in America, created the largest prison population on the planet trying to incarcerate mental illness out of people, [41:28.0 – 41:28.2] you know? [41:28.2 – 41:30.4] For fuck… [41:30.4 – 41:32.2] That's real, you know what I mean? [41:32.2 – 41:39.8] The largest prison population on the planet trying to incarcerate mental illness out of people, right? [41:39.8 – 41:44.2] And, um, I get my hair standing up on end just thinking about that, right? [41:44.2 – 41:48.1] So, like, I, I hope … [41:48.1 – 41:52.8] Like, we look back today and go, “Oh, man, fucking lobotomies were weird,” right? [41:52.8 – 42:03.0] I hope someday we look back on today and think, “Man, how fucking horrific it was [42:03.0 – 42:08.4] that we used to try to incarcerate mental illness out of people,” you know? [42:08.4 – 42:12.4] But to- but today, we don't get it. [42:12.4 – 42:22.4] You know how many times a friend of mine or someone I know has overdosed, and I go down to the hospital and I visit 'em and they're, like, hooked up to [42:22.4 – 42:23.6] the f- you know, it's just like they- [42:23.7 – 42:28.8] Got their, their body cooled down to like 14 degrees or some weird shit and, you know what I mean? [42:28.8 – 42:35.7] And like you look at like the, the k- little dry erase care board, and it's just like, “Fuck morphine drip,” you know? [42:35.7 – 42:41.5] No aftercare plan. [42:41.5 – 42:45.8] They just get, you know, “Johnny, we'll fuckin' r- bro, we're…” You know, it's like, “What are you… [42:45.8 – 42:53.0] What, what's happening, nurse?” “Oh, you know, as soon as he's okay, we're gonna bring his temperature back up, and, uh, we think he's gonna make it. [42:53.0 – 42:54.7] We think he's gonna make it. [42:54.7 – 42:56.7] He's gonna pr- He might, he might make it, right? [42:56.7 – 43:07.0] We're not sure how his brain's gonna do, but like…” And I'm just like, “His brain's fucked.” And, you know, “We're not sure his brain's gonna do, but, uh, he might- he's gonna survive, we think.” And it's just like, you have no fucking idea. [43:07.0 – 43:08.2] You know? [43:08.2 – 43:09.6] Like what's the aftercare plan? [43:09.6 – 43:10.4] “Oh, we're just gonna… [43:10.4 – 43:14.9] We think he probably could drive his car.” That's the after…” You know? [43:14.9 – 43:22.5] And, uh, does that fuck- does that fucking scare anybody else? [43:22.5 – 43:25.5] I mean, that's the, that's, that's doctors, right? [43:25.5 – 43:35.5] You're going to the doctor and it's just like, “Oh, fuck, I'm a drug addict.” “Oh, well, you know, we'll give you the right amount.” Great. [43:35.5 – 43:36.1] Thanks, doc. [43:36.1 – 43:42.8] And you know, so who needs to understand this is me? [43:42.8 – 43:44.7] That's the point I'm trying to make, right? [43:44.7 – 43:48.9] 'Cause there isn't anybody else fucking looking out for me but me, right? [43:48.9 – 43:50.7] I'm looking out for you. [43:50.7 – 43:52.2] You're looking out for me. [43:52.2 – 43:54.0] I can't make you do the fucking work. [43:54.0 – 43:55.7] You can't make me do mine, right? [43:55.7 – 44:05.6] Who's gotta understand that what I have is a mental illness that will have me a fucking statistic or locked up, another statistic, right? [44:05.6 – 44:11.0] In, in a box under dirt or in a box with bars or, you know, whatever it is, right? [44:11.0 – 44:13.3] Who needs to understand that is me, right? [44:13.3 – 44:16.0] Because I'm the only one that can do my own work. [44:16.0 – 44:21.0] I can't, in my experience, decide n-n-not to pick up heroin again. [44:21.0 – 44:23.7] I can decide to do work, you know? [44:23.7 – 44:27.9] Heroin Anonymous is not a noun. [44:27.9 – 44:30.2] It's not a place I go. [44:30.2 – 44:32.2] It's not a thing I am. [44:32.2 – 44:33.5] It's a verb. [44:33.5 – 44:38.8] It's a thing, it's a thing I do, and if it's not a thing I do, it's fucking nothing, man. [44:38.8 – 44:39.7] You know? [44:39.7 – 44:40.6] It's nothing, right? [44:40.6 – 44:50.7] And, uh, and so I get sober and, um, I get out of the sober living, and I land in a halfway house with, uh, this kid. [44:50.7 – 44:51.5] He's from Montana. [44:51.5 – 44:52.5] He's got blue hair. [44:52.5 – 44:53.5] He's like a punk rock kid. [44:53.5 – 45:00.9] He was a high school dropout, and, um, he, his parents had kicked him out of Montana and sent him to a rehab in Chandler, Arizona. [45:00.9 – 45:03.3] And, um, this guy's my roommate, right? [45:03.3 – 45:07.8] Like two grown-ass dudes in a 10-by-10 room with two single beds, right? [45:07.8 – 45:12.6] Like, you know, I, I love our culture that we build around, like getting sober, right? [45:12.6 – 45:14.5] It's just like, “Oh, man, what sober living did you go to? [45:14.5 – 45:19.7] What sober living did you go to?” Like it's like the fucking, you know, cool kid social club, right? [45:19.7 – 45:22.6] Like we gotta really put this in perspective. [45:22.6 – 45:28.6] Like a halfway house is like assisted care living for mentally ill fucking humans, you know what I mean? [45:28.6 – 45:32.5] Like for, like really, and s- that's where I'm at, you know? [45:32.5 – 45:38.4] And, um, I get, I get arrested three more times sober, cleaning up shit I did before I got here. [45:38.4 – 45:40.2] Um, I stand on a jury trial. [45:40.2 – 45:42.5] I'm serving two probations concurrently. [45:42.5 – 45:46.4] I'm s- paying fines to four separate courts trying to get my license back. [45:46.4 – 45:52.0] Like I don't know, you know, we always paint this picture, “I got fucking sober, and it was great,” you know what I mean? [45:52.0 – 45:55.6] Like I got sober, and it got ha- it got hard, you know? [45:55.6 – 45:57.5] Like life sh- life showed up, right? [45:57.5 – 46:03.0] To beat my ass and, uh, and to make me pay for every shitty thing I'd ever done and, and it did, you know? [46:03.0 – 46:04.8] I mean, may- maybe not, right? [46:04.8 – 46:06.9] Like I didn't get what I deserved, but I got a bunch. [46:06.9 – 46:18.1] And, uh, and, uh, and I get arrested, and I got sober in the recession, and I couldn't find work, and it was hard to make money, and, and, um, and [46:18.1 – 46:20.0] here's what I know about the struggle, right? [46:20.0 – 46:22.5] And that's sort of like the last thing I'll leave on, right? [46:22.5 – 46:25.4] Is like, don't shortcut your struggle, you know? [46:25.4 – 46:30.9] The struggle, in my experience, is the most important part we got, you know? [46:30.9 – 46:40.9] Um, in my experience, every valuable lesson I've ever learned here showed up at the door, knocking on the door looking like a problem, [46:40.9 – 46:41.5] you know? [46:41.5 – 46:43.3] All my greatest gifts came that way. [46:43.3 – 46:53.6] I was about three-ish years sober and started to practice meditation and some Buddhism along, melded into the 12 steps, and [46:53.6 – 46:53.9] got a… [46:53.9 – 46:55.3] just was on a trip, you know? [46:55.3 – 47:00.1] And, uh, I got a hold of this book called the, it was The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. [47:00.1 – 47:07.7] And, um, and I, um, crack into this book, and I'm reading it, and, and the Dalai Lama was a really interesting guy. [47:07.7 – 47:14.2] And, um, like he was chosen as a small child to become the Tibetan leader of like the Tibetan monks, right? [47:14.2 – 47:24.2] And so, um, in, um, in Tibet, which is, you know, in, in fucking China, and so the Chinese government come through [47:24.2 – 47:33.1] and just start like slaughtering his people, burning villages, like disemboweling parents and raping children and just awful shit, right? [47:33.1 – 47:41.4] And so the, the Tibetan monks try to like rise up against the Chinese government, and that went exactly like you think that went, which is [47:42.1 – 47:42.6] Very poorly. [47:42.6 – 47:51.3] And, uh, so inevitably, in order to, like, save the Dalai Lama, they take the Dalai Lama and they flee, um, Tibet in the middle of the night. [47:51.3 – 47:56.7] They flee the– It was like fifty-six, fifty-four maybe. [47:56.7 – 47:57.9] I don't know, fifty-something. [47:57.9 – 48:08.2] Uh, and they f- they trek through the Himalayas, and they arrive to Dharamsala, India, where the Dalai Lama still exists today [48:08.2 – 48:10.0] as the leader of the Tibetan monks. [48:10.0 – 48:12.3] Still this– decades later, right? [48:12.3 – 48:22.4] And, um, and in this book, he describes, um, he describes w- w- all the, the [48:22.4 – 48:23.0] people still… [48:23.0 – 48:24.8] Or the Chinese haven't gotten any better, right? [48:24.8 – 48:26.0] They're still doing what they do. [48:26.0 – 48:28.6] They're still murdering people, still like, you know, whatever, right? [48:28.6 – 48:36.9] And the pe- people still refugee from, from, um, Tibet through the Himalayas, and they arrive to the Dalai Lama, and he does them the honor of, like, hearing their story. [48:36.9 – 48:39.2] And they come to the feet of the Dalai Lama, and he listens, right? [48:39.2 – 48:43.3] And they– These are his people, and they tell him these awful atrocities, right? [48:43.3 – 48:50.3] Of, like, the things that have happened to their mothers and fathers and ch- children and brothers and sisters and villages burned and all of his heritage, right? [48:50.3 – 48:51.5] And he listens, right? [48:51.5 – 48:58.1] And the only reason the Dalai Lama is effective at being their leader is because he's free, right? [48:58.1 – 49:01.1] Like, anger and fear aren't what's guiding his life. [49:01.1 – 49:02.3] He's free, right? [49:02.3 – 49:11.6] And he hears these stories, and he calls the Chinese government “my friend, the enemy.” And I thought to myself, “Man, that's fucking weird,” you know? [49:11.6 – 49:21.6] And, um, and about that time, like, I'd just gotten my electricity shut off, and I was just gotten out of jail, and I'm, like, sponsoring a bunch of people and [49:21.6 – 49:26.3] going through the steps and talking all over town and, you know, just fuck- doing this thing, right? [49:26.3 – 49:28.8] And, but I can't find a way to make a living. [49:28.8 – 49:35.1] And, um, and this guy I'd known that I used to get loaded with forever ago calls me up one day just randomly. [49:35.1 – 49:36.3] And, and his name's Joey. [49:36.3 – 49:46.6] And Joey says, “Hey, man, um, I, uh, I stopped doing speed, and I was wondering if you wanted to come work for me and be an electrician, and I'll give you sixteen bucks an hour.” [49:46.6 – 49:50.6] And, uh, I was like, “Man, I don't…” You know, sixteen bucks an hour was a lot at that time, right? [49:50.6 – 50:00.8] And I was like, “I don't know shit about electricity, uh, but I know a lot about sixteen bucks an hour.” “Uh, I'll be there Monday.” And so I show up to this job site, [50:00.8 – 50:03.2] and it's like one hundred and ninety-seven outside. [50:03.2 – 50:03.9] It's Arizona. [50:03.9 – 50:14.3] And, uh, Joey tells me as I arrive, he says, “Man, just, you know, I stopped doing speed,” and he's like, “Kind of fucking itchy, you know what I mean?” And, and he's just like, “Dude,” and, like, [50:14.3 – 50:21.3] a- as we're driving to this job site, he goes, “Man, you know, I don't know why, but it just makes me feel better to make other people suffer, you know? [50:21.3 – 50:25.4] Just like, I feel good.” And I was like, “Fuck, this is gonna be great.” And, you know. [50:25.4 – 50:29.0] But I need the money, you know what I mean? [50:29.0 – 50:32.8] 'Cause I'm gonna go back to jail if I don't give the fucking man his money. [50:32.8 – 50:36.5] And so, so I go to work, and it's like, you know, it's like, it's hot, right? [50:36.5 – 50:37.3] It's Arizona. [50:37.3 – 50:45.0] And so, you know, Joey's like, “Hey, take this wire, run it through the attic of the house, pull it out the other side,” you know what I mean? [50:45.0 – 50:47.5] And I, “Fuck, all right, dude.” And I climb through the attic. [50:47.5 – 50:50.2] It's like sss even hundred degrees. [50:50.2 – 50:53.4] I'm covered in insulation, electricity, and sweaty. [50:53.4 – 50:53.8] You know what I mean? [50:53.8 – 50:54.5] It's a good time. [50:54.5 – 50:55.6] And I come out the other side. [50:55.6 – 50:57.5] He's like, “Oh, man, I was wrong. [50:57.5 – 50:58.8] Take it out. [50:58.8 – 51:04.8] Bring it in the other side.” And I'm thinking, “Isn't a wire the same on both ends?” You know what I mean? [51:04.8 – 51:08.0] He's like, “Just fucking do it.” You know, I was like, “Fuck, all right, dude,” you know? [51:08.0 – 51:10.5] And so I come back in the other way, and I'm just fucking eh. [51:10.5 – 51:14.0] You know, I go home that night, and I'm just like ah. [51:14.0 – 51:14.6] And, um. [51:14.6 – 51:19.5] And I call the sponsor, and I'm just like, “This fucking guy,” you know? [51:19.5 – 51:21.4] And he just, just, like, directs me to the work, right? [51:21.4 – 51:22.8] Like, take it to prayer. [51:22.8 – 51:24.2] Take it to meditation, right? [51:24.2 – 51:26.0] Go fucking review that shit. [51:26.0 – 51:26.9] I go, “Fuck,” you know? [51:26.9 – 51:30.7] And, uh, I mean, can I just put Visine in his coffee and call it a day or? [51:30.7 – 51:32.3] And, um. [51:32.3 – 51:38.9] He's like, “We don't live that way anymore.” And, uh, so, so I go home, and I fucking review it, right? [51:38.9 – 51:40.9] And I start to write a nightly inventory, right? [51:40.9 – 51:44.8] Like, religiously and every single night I write a nightly inventory. [51:44.8 – 51:49.4] And every morning I go back to work, like, convinced, 'cause I believe you. [51:49.4 – 51:50.4] I believe you people. [51:50.4 – 51:57.1] I believe that there's a way to find freedom and have contentment and peace regardless of my circumstance. [51:57.1 – 52:04.2] I believe that everything I need to have, uh, and everything that I need in order to find peace and happiness I already have. [52:04.2 – 52:10.4] I believe that, um, my well-being is just a shift of consciousness away, right? [52:10.4 – 52:12.7] And I just gotta fucking get there somehow. [52:12.7 – 52:15.6] And, uh, Joey's not gonna keep me down, you know? [52:15.6 – 52:19.9] And so, like, I go back to work in the morning, and it's like, “Okay, dude,” you know? [52:19.9 – 52:22.1] And he's just like, “Yeah, go out there in the middle of the yard. [52:22.1 – 52:23.3] Dig a hole,” right? [52:23.3 – 52:24.8] And fuck, all right, you know? [52:24.8 – 52:28.7] Come back, and, “Oh, it's in the wrong place. [52:28.7 – 52:33.1] Fill that one and dig another one over there.” And, you know, it's like that's the way it goes, right? [52:33.1 – 52:38.4] And I come back and go home at night, call the sponsor, call my fucking, my guys, right? [52:38.4 – 52:40.3] And like, okay, meditate, right? [52:40.3 – 52:41.3] Go make amends. [52:41.3 – 52:44.1] Like, Joey was the guy when we were all getting loaded. [52:44.1 – 52:51.1] Joey was the guy that, you know, everybody would gather at somebody's house and then, like, somebody would go, “Look what I got,” you know? [52:51.1 – 52:56.8] And they'd g- everybody kind of scurry off to a bathroom and leave that one guy in the living room 'cause he was fucking weird. [52:56.8 – 52:58.3] That was Joey, you know? [52:58.3 – 52:58.6] And so- [53:00.7 – 53:03.1] And so I like, I make amends to the dude, you know what I mean? [53:03.1 – 53:08.6] And it's just like, I just like, um, the, the, the sponsor's like, “Just, just lean into him with love, brother,” you know what I mean? [53:08.6 – 53:11.6] And so I go back to work, and it's fucking, just give him everything I got. [53:11.6 – 53:13.0] And this goes on. [53:13.0 – 53:19.7] This goes on every day for y- every ye- every day for a year and a half, I wrote a nightly inventory, right? [53:19.7 – 53:25.6] And I fuck- read up, and I studied, called a spon, called the friends, just, just everything I had, man. [53:25.6 – 53:26.4] I studied the book. [53:26.4 – 53:30.0] Go back every night, I wrote a nightly inventory, you know? [53:30.0 – 53:32.3] And w- and what should we do instead, right? [53:32.3 – 53:35.9] That's the part where I carry that over into the morning, and how do I have a better day today? [53:35.9 – 53:41.5] Every day for a year and a half, man, I just, I just grinded with this guy Joey, right? [53:41.5 – 53:51.9] And, um, and what happened was I was having a Sunday, you know the kind of Sunday where you're suppo- you know you're supposed to be calm, but really you have complete [53:51.9 – 53:53.6] fucking anxiety over tomorrow. [53:53.6 – 54:03.9] And, uh, and on, on America's Most Wanted comes the guy just under the owner of the company for, and he's wanted for, by, by the F- FBI for like $3 million [54:03.9 – 54:05.6] worth of construction fraud in Virginia. [54:05.6 – 54:11.8] And, uh, and, um, in that moment, that guy emptied our company's bank account, psht, and vanished. [54:11.8 – 54:12.9] No one ever saw him again. [54:12.9 – 54:18.5] Company folds up, and, uh, so does the job, right? [54:18.5 – 54:23.3] And so Monday comes around, and, uh, no fucking job, no fucking Joey, right? [54:23.3 – 54:28.4] I get to the end of the day, go to write this nightly inventory, great fucking day, you know? [54:28.4 – 54:36.5] No resentments, no fucking Joey, little financial insecurity, great day, you know? [54:36.5 – 54:42.0] Next day comes around, same thing. [54:42.0 – 54:43.7] Make it through the whole day, right? [54:43.7 – 54:44.5] The whole day. [54:44.5 – 54:48.0] Just like I was so, I was fucking zen, you know? [54:48.0 – 54:52.0] And get to the end, write this nightly inventory, 'cause that's what I do. [54:52.0 – 54:57.2] Y- you know, no resentment, no fucking Joey, mm, little financial fear, but it's gonna be all right. [54:57.2 – 54:58.3] I trust, you know what I mean? [54:58.3 – 55:02.9] Next day comes around, whole day, get to the end, I write it out. [55:02.9 – 55:07.7] No resentment, no Joey, no fear, I trust. [55:07.7 – 55:13.6] Next day, I got to the end, I wrote it out, no Joey, no resentment. [55:13.6 – 55:17.8] And it hi- it hit me like a, it was like I got kicked in the balls, right? [55:17.8 – 55:21.3] Like, it's just like, “Fuck, I get it,” right? [55:21.3 – 55:25.6] I get what the Dalai Lama meant by my friend the enemy. [55:25.6 – 55:33.8] Joey had helped me grow more in that year and a half than anybody else I knew, you know? [55:33.8 – 55:37.0] It wasn't my sponsor that helped me grow. [55:37.0 – 55:39.6] It wasn't the knuckleheads at my home group. [55:39.6 – 55:41.9] It was fucking Joey, you know? [55:41.9 – 55:46.2] It was fucking Joey and that fourth column, you know? [55:46.2 – 55:49.5] And, uh, and that's what we do here, right? [55:49.5 – 55:51.8] Like, that's how we grow. [55:51.8 – 55:57.2] That's how Heroin Anonymous grows, but that's how we grow as individuals, right? [55:57.2 – 56:06.2] Is we build a life by looking at things that the rest of the world fucking seeks to escape, you know? [56:06.2 – 56:11.7] We build a life on looking right into it, you know? [56:11.7 – 56:16.1] Just invi- just fuck- just inviting the ugly in for tea. [56:16.1 – 56:18.3] “Come, come on in,” you know? [56:18.3 – 56:24.7] Just fucking the awkward, the uncomfortable, the painful, the just making friends. [56:24.7 – 56:26.3] “Just come on in,” you know? [56:26.3 – 56:29.4] And, uh, and that's what we do here, right? [56:29.4 – 56:30.8] That's what … [56:30.8 – 56:31.3] Yes. [56:31.3 – 56:33.5] That's the nature of this thing. [56:33.5 – 56:37.9] So, um, I think that's, that's all I got, right? [56:37.9 – 56:42.1] But if, uh, if you're new, um, please stay, you know? [56:42.1 – 56:47.5] Since I've been sober, the things I've seen come to pass are incredible. [56:47.5 – 56:52.2] I've, uh, I've taken meetings into that same jail where I kicked open, right? [56:52.2 – 56:52.8] For years. [56:52.8 – 56:55.7] I, uh, I've had my rights restored. [56:55.7 – 57:01.7] Um, I'm a full voting citizen, able to own firearms, which doesn't seem smart to me. [57:01.7 – 57:10.0] I, uh, I, um, I started a business a few years ago, and have made more money than I rightfully should, right? [57:10.0 – 57:11.8] Like, just fucking stupid money. [57:11.8 – 57:13.6] And, uh, like for me, you know what I mean? [57:13.6 – 57:15.3] For, like, a guy who lived in a car. [57:15.3 – 57:17.7] And, uh, bought a house a few years ago. [57:17.7 – 57:22.3] I wanted to be an architect when I was a kid, but I just became a fucking degenerate instead. [57:22.3 – 57:32.2] And, uh, and I bought a house a few years ago and hired an architect, and we redrafted these plans and, like, knocked half my house over and, like, rebuilt this whole fucking thing, man. [57:32.2 – 57:34.2] And it's just like a fucking palace, you know? [57:34.2 – 57:38.6] And, uh, you know, all this stuff is just stuff, right? [57:38.6 – 57:40.4] All that shit fits in my bloodstream, right? [57:40.4 – 57:45.4] But the real gift, man, the real fucking gift here is the intangibles, you know? [57:45.4 – 57:47.1] It's not the things, right? [57:47.1 – 57:48.2] It's the non-things. [57:48.2 – 57:51.7] It's the, it's the stuff you can't fucking steal from me. [57:51.7 – 57:55.5] But mostly, it's this thing I was looking for my whole fucking life. [57:55.5 – 57:56.5] It looks like this. [57:56.5 – 58:01.2] You know what I mean? [58:01.2 – 58:03.2] Like, I got that. [58:03.2 – 58:05.8] And I lose it for moments at a time. [58:05.8 – 58:08.9] But I know where to get it, 'cause you guys showed me where to get it, right? [58:08.9 – 58:13.1] This is the place where one beggar shows the other beggar where to get the bread. [58:13.1 – 58:14.1] Thanks for my life.