Transcript

[00:01.5 – 00:02.6] How long, how long do I have? [00:02.6 – 00:04.1] Fifteen minutes. [00:04.1 – 00:04.3] Really? [00:04.3 – 00:05.8] All right, sweet. [00:05.8 – 00:08.5] Set my timer here so I, uh… [00:08.5 – 00:09.8] All right. [00:09.8 – 00:14.7] That's a lot of time right there. [00:14.7 – 00:16.4] All right. [00:16.4 – 00:17.6] So, uh, my name is Jeff. [00:17.6 – 00:18.3] I'm a heroin addict. [00:18.3 – 00:19.5] Hey, Jeff. [00:19.5 – 00:21.9] My sobriety date is seven nineteen seventeen. [00:21.9 – 00:26.1] I have a sponsor, I have sponsees, and I have a service commitment. [00:26.1 – 00:29.8] Uh, I was taught early on that it's important to have those things if I wanna stay sober. [00:29.8 – 00:35.1] So I don't say it to brag, I just say it so that everyone knows that, uh, it's just what was required of me. [00:35.1 – 00:36.3] It's worked so far. [00:36.3 – 00:38.8] So I'm gonna take a moment and just pray. [00:38.8 – 00:48.7] Let God come in on this, um, 'cause if you guys are like me, uh, self has a pretty interesting way of showing up, so I wanna make sure God's guiding my talking tonight, so. [00:48.7 – 00:53.2] Actually, I'm gonna stand up. [00:53.2 – 00:54.9] It feels really weird down there. [00:54.9 – 00:57.7] Yeah. [00:57.7 – 00:58.0] All right. [00:58.0 – 01:00.4] Um, well, this feels very awkward too. [01:00.4 – 01:03.6] There's not a lot– I'm gonna go back down. [01:03.6 – 01:04.0] Just kidding. [01:04.0 – 01:08.3] That's one way to burn up the time. [01:08.3 – 01:14.2] I'm just gonna keep going, uh, around, around the, around the room here until I find somewhere comfortable for about forty-five minutes. [01:14.2 – 01:17.9] All right, so I'll go ahead and I'll just kind of start from the beginning. [01:17.9 – 01:22.8] Um, you know, I was, I was born in Algoma, Wisconsin, a little small town. [01:22.8 – 01:26.2] And when I was two, my parents moved me out to Phoenix, Arizona. [01:26.2 – 01:31.0] Uh, my parents were married and, uh, you know, shortly after got divorced. [01:31.0 – 01:34.1] So I was raised in a single-parent household. [01:34.1 – 01:36.3] Uh, it started off being fine. [01:36.3 – 01:41.9] Like, my dad would come get me on weekends, and I'd go and play with him and, and my dad was like my superhero. [01:41.9 – 01:45.0] Um, and then it just kind of started to get a little bit more spread out. [01:45.0 – 01:48.8] And so I didn't have a, a steady father figure in my life. [01:48.8 – 01:59.3] Um, when I was eleven, um, my mom got cancer [01:59.3 – 02:07.7] and she got really depressed and just kinda locked herself in a room for two years and didn't really come out. [02:07.7 – 02:10.3] So at an early age, I had to learn how to fend for myself. [02:10.3 – 02:15.3] Um, also, I think that's when I first– I got my first resentment, you know? [02:15.3 – 02:21.9] And, and it wasn't at the cancer, it was at my mom because it was all her fault for why I couldn't go to play sports anymore. [02:21.9 – 02:25.9] You know, why we didn't have money, why she couldn't work, why I didn't have the things I wanted. [02:25.9 – 02:27.2] It was her fault, you know? [02:27.2 – 02:30.2] So at, at an early age, I started pushing blame onto other people. [02:30.2 – 02:35.1] Also, I grew up an only child, and I didn't fit in. [02:35.1 – 02:37.6] I was what you would call a nerd. [02:37.6 – 02:44.1] You know, I was, I was one of the smartest kids in my class, um, but I didn't know how to talk to people. [02:44.1 – 02:51.8] You know, I would sit there and, and as soon as I tried talking, I would just get nervous and shut down and just kind of… [02:51.8 – 02:54.4] You know, like, I just– I tried to force the issue. [02:54.4 – 03:00.7] But what it was is I kept moving different places, and where I was at was a predominantly Mormon area, and I wasn't Mormon. [03:00.7 – 03:07.9] And, uh, you know, being an only child in a poor area, uh, I was, I was in the poor area of a very rich area. [03:07.9 – 03:10.2] Um, and so I just didn't belong. [03:10.2 – 03:15.1] And so I decided at that point in time with having to raise myself, I was like, “You know what? [03:15.1 – 03:23.5] I'm gonna do whatever I need to do to be liked by other people, to feel accepted.” You know, because I, I, I felt like I wasn't good enough for my dad to stay around. [03:23.5 – 03:27.1] I wasn't good enough for my mom to get through cancer and fight for me. [03:27.1 – 03:29.4] It was all about me, but I wasn't good enough. [03:29.4 – 03:33.0] So I learned how to talk to people, you know? [03:33.0 – 03:36.7] And the way I learned how to talk to people is I got effed up. [03:36.7 – 03:41.0] You know, I, I realized that if I did drugs, I didn't care what other people thought. [03:41.0 – 03:43.0] And in doing so, I was actually a pretty cool dude. [03:43.0 – 03:44.8] Well, I thought so anyways. [03:44.8 – 03:52.6] Like, it was mostly like I would just ramble and, and kind of do like I'm probably gonna do tonight until people just kind of nodded their head and I was like, “See, I'm liked,” you know? [03:52.6 – 04:02.6] But what it was is that I had what people wanted, you know, because I, I was able to go and talk to people and, and, and I was the one where my mom was never around, so I had the place that people could go and get effed [04:02.6 – 04:02.9] up. [04:02.9 – 04:10.3] You know, and I, I, I thought that that social acceptability meant that I was cool, but I was just getting used from an early age. [04:10.3 – 04:13.4] But I, I felt like I had something, uh, inside of me, you know? [04:13.4 – 04:19.5] I was like, “All right, I don't feel empty anymore.” You know, and so I started doing drugs at, like, twelve or thirteen years old. [04:19.5 – 04:27.8] And when I was fifteen, I, uh, I, uh, one of this– my buddy's older brother introduced me to harder drugs. [04:27.8 – 04:32.8] You know, I started doing hallucinogens, doing, you know, doing some powder stuff. [04:32.8 – 04:36.7] And, uh, all my friends were older and I, I just kinda did what I– what they did. [04:36.7 – 04:38.5] You know, I started going to parties. [04:38.5 – 04:40.0] I started having parties at my house. [04:40.0 – 04:45.1] At one point in time, there was seven of us that lived in my bedroom at my mom's house. [04:45.1 – 04:49.0] There was me and three of my buddies and then four girls that lived– or three girls that lived there. [04:49.0 – 04:51.3] It was all their girlfriends and I was still by myself. [04:51.3 – 04:54.3] You know, and it was just still trying to fit in. [04:54.3 – 04:57.4] Um, and so I was like, “You know what? [04:57.4 – 05:07.0] I gotta figure out how to make some money and how to be more accepted by other people.” So uh, being the intelligent young man that I was, I, uh, started making fake IDs. [05:07.0 – 05:16.8] And at my school where you have, again, a lot of Mormon kids, a lot of kids with money and expendable income, uh, it was a very good business, you know? [05:16.8 – 05:21.6] And so I started making fake IDs, and that got me introduced to some, some other people. [05:21.6 – 05:31.4] And, uh, so my buddy's brother was, uh– He would, he would go to the gym all the time, and I also sold steroids too. [05:31.4 – 05:38.8] Uh, as you can see, I didn't really use them, but but I was good at selling stuff and I was a pretty good businessman, so, uh, I sold them. [05:38.8 – 05:42.2] And my buddy's older brother was like, “Hey man, you're pretty good at selling stuff. [05:42.2 – 05:43.7] Like, you're good at making fake IDs. [05:43.7 – 05:53.7] Why don't you come meet this guy and, and, and start selling some ecstasy for us?” And I was like, “Yeah, dude, of course, man.” You know, and at the time I started isolating myself from, like, all my, my, my nerd friends, [05:53.7 – 05:59.7] you know, the ones I would play card games with and, and study with and get good grades with, and I started hanging out with, like, the cool kids. [05:59.7 – 06:07.6] And, uh, I, I, I, I started hanging out with this group, they were known as the Devil Dogs back in Arizona. [06:07.6 – 06:17.3] And, uh, I went to this party, um, at this house in Scottsdale, and they're like, “Hey, you know, we want you to come meet, meet your supplier.” And I was like, “I don't know, dude. [06:17.3 – 06:20.3] Like, I'm cool just doing…” He's like, “No, but you know, we– you really need to meet him. [06:20.3 – 06:25.0] He's really cool.” And I was like, “All right.” And I go and I look and I'm like, “That guy looks really familiar. [06:25.0 – 06:35.7] Like, where do I know him?” And they're like, “His name's Sammy.” I'm like, “Sammy who?” They're like, “That's Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano.” And so if you guys are, are familiar with mob stories at all, [06:35.7 – 06:37.8] um, Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano went into witness protection. [06:37.8 – 06:42.5] He went down to Arizona, he started a pool business, and he started a very large ecstasy ring. [06:42.5 – 06:52.5] Well, me and my buddies were friends with the brothers of the people that sold for Sammy and, um, things just got [06:52.5 – 06:53.7] really blown out of proportion. [06:53.7 – 06:57.3] Um, we ended up being in Maxim Magazine. [06:57.3 – 06:59.8] Like, my buddies all went to prison. [06:59.8 – 07:04.6] They ended up beating up this kid really bad and, uh, it was just a really bad time. [07:04.6 – 07:09.7] Um, and like that was my first– I– That was the first time I went to jail. [07:09.7 – 07:11.9] I, I had just graduated high school. [07:11.9 – 07:13.1] I got arrested when I was 17. [07:13.1 – 07:23.3] I'd already been arrested like four or five different times, but I got arrested for, um, altering the government records, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and possession, and I got sentenced to ten days in jail [07:23.3 – 07:25.9] at– when I was 17 to be completed when I turned 18. [07:25.9 – 07:31.9] So I graduated high school early, a semester early, and then I went and had to spend my first time in jail. [07:31.9 – 07:42.3] And you would think for like no- most normal people like, “Hey, man, like going to jail and seeing like your friends go to prison for a very long time would kinda wake you up.” But instead, [07:42.3 – 07:46.5] like I, I went and I just met other people who had other connections. [07:46.5 – 07:56.8] 'Cause for me it was, “Wait a second, where am I gonna get my drugs now?” You know, like this is my, this is my way in, this is how I feel a part of and now that's taken away, I need to find other people. [07:56.8 – 08:03.5] And so in, in, in county jail in there, I went and just met more people and, uh, that brought me onto harder stuff. [08:03.5 – 08:12.5] Um, you know, I started doing pills, I started doing a lot of meth and, uh, it was just really bad. [08:12.5 – 08:19.6] You know, at the time I was dating this girl and, uh, so we were at a party and we got really- [08:19.8 – 08:20.4] Really messed up. [08:20.4 – 08:27.3] And, uh, she, uh, she passed out and got taken advantage of by two of my friends. [08:27.3 – 08:30.9] And, uh, like I held onto that for a long time. [08:30.9 – 08:32.5] You know, I ended up… [08:32.5 – 08:42.6] They got hurt, um, but I, I, I just held onto that because it was early on, and I, I didn't really touch on this, but my mom used to get [08:42.6 – 08:47.9] beat a lot and, uh, so I was, I was very protective of women. [08:47.9 – 08:51.4] And at that time I felt helpless, like I couldn't do anything. [08:51.4 – 08:56.0] Um, but it still wasn't enough for me to go get high. [08:56.0 – 08:59.4] You know, she's like, “Come to the hospital with me,” and I'm like, “I, I, I can't. [08:59.4 – 09:02.8] Like, there– I, I gotta go back to the party.” You know? [09:02.8 – 09:06.2] And, and, and from that age, like drugs was my main priority. [09:06.2 – 09:06.9] You know? [09:06.9 – 09:07.7] Nothing else mattered. [09:07.7 – 09:08.7] It was all about me. [09:08.7 – 09:17.3] You know, so I go and, and I get in another relationship and I move to Utah, um, because a change of location, that'll fix everything. [09:17.3 – 09:18.2] You know? [09:18.2 – 09:24.2] Like I'm sure all of you guys know, like if you're– if you need to stop getting high, like just move 'cause that works every time. [09:24.2 – 09:33.9] Um, which obviously didn't 'cause again, my sobriety date is 7/19/17, and this was when I was twenty-one years old, which was a long time ago. [09:33.9 – 09:44.1] Um, but so I moved to Utah and, and there I get arrested more and I– my, you know, just like anywhere else, like I will find drugs anywhere [09:44.1 – 09:44.6] I am. [09:44.6 – 09:46.0] Like it doesn't matter. [09:46.0 – 09:51.1] You can put me in like a random continent, and I will find a way to get high if I wanna get high. [09:51.1 – 09:51.9] That's what I do. [09:51.9 – 09:53.3] You know? [09:53.3 – 10:02.4] And so I was like, “All right, well then let's move back to Arizona.” So I moved back to Arizona and, uh, things get really crazy there. [10:02.4 – 10:06.0] Um, you know, meth makes you do really weird things. [10:06.0 – 10:11.4] And, uh, so I was like, “All right, well, like meth is the problem, so I'm gonna go to pills,” you know? [10:11.4 – 10:13.4] 'Cause like it's prescribed by a doctor. [10:13.4 – 10:21.3] And, uh, so I go and I, I, I'm in Tennessee at the time and I hurt my wrist and, and, and I start getting prescribed pills. [10:21.3 – 10:29.7] And now I'm able to work, like I'm able to function, I'm able to like actually enjoy life. [10:29.7 – 10:34.4] Um, but, but as– if you're anything like me, you know, it's, it's never enough. [10:34.4 – 10:36.9] I totally burped. [10:36.9 – 10:45.9] Um, so, so like I go and, and, and I'm sitting there, I'm getting prescribed things and, and now like what they're giving me i-isn't enough. [10:45.9 – 10:52.7] So now I get the smart idea of like, “Well, I'm gonna sell these and then I'll just buy other things.” And so that doesn't work. [10:52.7 – 10:56.4] And so then I'm like, “You know what'll happen? [10:56.4 – 10:57.3] Like what'll help? [10:57.3 – 11:02.4] If I move back to Arizona and get in touch with my roots,” like that's what it's gonna be. [11:02.4 – 11:05.7] Like I'm gonna start a family with this woman I'm with, like everything's gonna be awesome. [11:05.7 – 11:07.4] And, uh, and it wasn't. [11:07.4 – 11:12.7] Um, I, I come back here and now all of a sudden I get introduced to heroin. [11:12.7 – 11:16.7] So I was twenty-seven, twenty-six at the time. [11:16.7 – 11:20.2] And, and in Arizona it's really cheap, you know? [11:20.2 – 11:27.8] And, and for me it was– I always thought that drugs were a problem because I couldn't go to work, or I was spending rent on it, or whatever it was. [11:27.8 – 11:33.5] And, and, and now like this is way cheaper than pills, like this is my solution, you know? [11:33.5 – 11:35.1] And, and, and it wasn't. [11:35.1 – 11:40.0] Um, so I go and, and, and life gets really h- life gets horrible. [11:40.0 – 11:41.9] I end up homeless there. [11:41.9 – 11:43.2] Uh, it's just really bad. [11:43.2 – 11:53.3] And I get– Uh, I, I meet a, a, a girl who was a dancer, um, and, and so I started supplying her with stuff, and she [11:53.3 – 11:55.0] showed me how to use a needle. [11:55.0 – 11:58.0] And that's, that's when I feel like I lost the power of choice. [11:58.0 – 12:01.8] Um, I think I was what you would call a hard drinker up until that point. [12:01.8 – 12:06.9] Like I had the– I, I, I could've stopped maybe at then. [12:06.9 – 12:09.9] But once I was introduced to a needle, it was, it was all over. [12:09.9 – 12:19.7] Um, that was all I, all I needed because once I had to start using to just not be sick, it, you know, it didn't matter what was going on. [12:19.7 – 12:27.2] So I go and I, I, I go into detox and I move out here, and I come out here about six years ago and I'm doing well. [12:27.2 – 12:37.3] Uh, I say I'm doing well but, but I really– I had about four months sober and I started taking tramadol, and tramadol turned into other things and, you know, that turned into pills and then sure enough, um, [12:37.3 – 12:39.7] I, I always go back to my drug which is heroin. [12:39.7 – 12:46.8] For me, that's my one true love and that takes, uh, you know, priority over everything, you know? [12:46.8 – 12:51.1] And so I go back and, uh, you know, I'm, I'm active in recovery. [12:51.1 – 12:52.4] I say I'm active. [12:52.4 – 12:53.5] I'm going to meetings. [12:53.5 – 13:00.9] You know, that was– And I was, I was told that meeting makers make it and, and don't use just for today. [13:00.9 – 13:07.7] Uh, and the truth of the matter was it just fi-filled my head with, with reasons that I felt I was all right, but I still didn't have a solution. [13:07.7 – 13:16.7] I thought my, my problem was that I didn't have friends, that I didn't have anyone to hang out with, and that if I had sober friends and I just hung out with sober people, I'd be all right. [13:16.7 – 13:21.8] Well, that worked for a little while, but then that spiritual malady inside, that big hole started growing. [13:21.8 – 13:23.7] You know? [13:23.7 – 13:25.9] And, and sure enough, I go back out and I slipped. [13:25.9 – 13:28.1] I say I slipped because I hadn't worked through the steps yet. [13:28.1 – 13:29.7] I don't believe I relapsed. [13:29.7 – 13:34.1] I, I don't believe that you relapse until you've gone through the steps 'cause I didn't know a better way, so I slipped. [13:34.1 – 13:37.8] And I ended up stealing everything from people around me. [13:37.8 – 13:44.6] I, uh, got charged with a lot of charges, and I went into treatment and got sent back to Arizona to get sober. [13:44.6 – 13:51.5] Um, you know, I was, I was doing all right then, but again, I wasn't putting action in. [13:51.5 – 13:53.0] I was just going to meetings. [13:53.0 – 13:55.7] I was just telling people what they wanted to hear. [13:55.7 – 13:58.1] Uh, but I wasn't putting work in, you know? [13:58.1 – 14:02.3] It was– For me it was just I didn't wanna, I didn't wanna be homeless, you know? [14:02.3 – 14:03.8] I just wanted a place to stay. [14:03.8 – 14:07.4] And, and, and, and really I just wanted to feel accepted. [14:07.4 – 14:17.5] My entire life all I wanted to do was feel accepted, but the problem was, is that I, I wasn't okay with myself, so I, I, I could never [14:17.5 – 14:19.2] be okay with other people in my life. [14:19.2 – 14:23.8] So I go and, uh, I'm out there and I end up breaking my back. [14:23.8 – 14:32.6] And on my birthday, on like my 35th birthday, I, I go and I get a prescription and, and it starts the whole trend back over again. [14:32.6 – 14:40.2] I end up, I end up getting kicked out of the sober living house I'm at, and my grandmother down here in the valley… [14:40.2 – 14:47.0] I'm up in Prescott, Arizona at the time, and I'm down, and my, my, my mom and my grandma live in Prescott and, uh… [14:47.0 – 14:49.0] Or I'm sorry, they live in Mesa and I'm in Prescott. [14:49.0 – 14:56.4] And so I come back down so I can help my grandma, but really it was I knew she was gonna get some really good meds, so I wanted to come and steal them. [14:56.4 – 15:06.6] And so I come down here and, uh, and this is like one of the things that when they tell you in the program like, like there's some amends you just can't make. [15:06.6 – 15:11.9] You know, like I, I can't make this amends, but I stole my grandmother's morphine from her while she was dying. [15:11.9 – 15:17.6] I was supposed to be giving that to her so she could pass peacefully, but instead I was putting in a needle so I could get high. [15:17.6 – 15:27.7] You know, like that's where my heroin addiction takes me, is I will steal from the people that love me the most so that I don't have to w- feel the way that I'm feeling. [15:27.7 – 15:29.9] You know? [15:29.9 – 15:32.9] And so I watched my grandma die as I was shooting up. [15:32.9 – 15:39.3] I'm gonna take a drink. [15:39.3 – 15:48.7] So yeah, that was the type of dude I was. [15:48.7 – 15:58.7] Um, so I go and, and now me and my mom are living at my grandmother's house, um, because my grandfather passed away years before and, uh, it's in the middle [15:58.7 – 16:03.1] of Arizona and I don't have a job and I'm a piece of crap and so I need to get money. [16:03.1 – 16:07.4] And so I sell everything that my grandparents owned for, for dope money. [16:07.4 – 16:14.6] Um, they end up shutting off our, our water and our electric in the middle of summertime in Arizona, and it was bad. [16:14.6 – 16:21.6] So I end up selling the house, getting like four grand for it, and going up to Prescott with my mom. [16:21.6 – 16:27.2] And, uh, up there I, I, I, I overdose again. [16:27.2 – 16:31.0] I'm spending– I actually came down here and spent our last $200 to pick up. [16:31.0 – 16:35.8] I went back up there and I overdosed, and I got taken into jail. [16:35.8 – 16:39.3] Um, mind you, when I was back in Arizona I- [16:39.5 – 16:41.5] I had caught three felonies. [16:41.5 – 16:43.9] Uh, then up in Prescott, I caught another two. [16:43.9 – 16:47.1] And then I came back down to Arizona, caught another one. [16:47.1 – 16:52.4] Um, but so I overdosed, and I got taken to jail, and my mom had no one there. [16:52.4 – 16:54.2] I was the one that was supposed to be taking care of my mom. [16:54.2 – 16:57.6] But I couldn't because I was in jail. [16:57.6 – 17:07.6] And so um, they go and have a warrant for me in, in, in down in Phoenix, and so now I'm moved [17:07.6 – 17:12.4] down to Phoenix and, uh, I spend two months down there, and my mom is now homeless. [17:12.4 – 17:15.4] This was, I don't know, three years ago. [17:15.4 – 17:17.6] Something like that. [17:17.6 – 17:18.5] Three or four years ago. [17:18.5 – 17:28.6] Um, also when I, when I was here in Wisconsin, right before I left, I, I overdosed and, uh, I died and my dad found me and, uh, [17:28.6 – 17:37.1] to this day, um, he still brings it up because, uh, unfortunately, um, the things I did hurts other people, you know? [17:37.1 – 17:39.6] And, and, you know, my dad will never be the same. [17:39.6 – 17:42.0] My mom, to this day, is still homeless. [17:42.0 – 17:52.0] Um, you know, and, and, and after working through the steps and things, I, I, I realized that, yes, it might have been my fault to put her [17:52.0 – 17:58.3] in that position, um, but ultimately, I, I, I can't take care of her if it's going to hurt me now. [17:58.3 – 18:03.0] Um, but it's still one of those things that are difficult to own up to the things that I did. [18:03.0 – 18:13.2] So I go in jail, and you'd think with all these consequences, you know, people dying, me going to jail, [18:13.2 – 18:15.5] you know, getting all these felonies, like that would be enough, right? [18:15.5 – 18:18.2] Like but, but no. [18:18.2 – 18:19.4] No, it's not. [18:19.4 – 18:24.8] Um, so I, I go back out for a while and, and finally I'm, I'm in a sober living house. [18:24.8 – 18:27.0] I, I'm working a job, and I'm still shooting dope. [18:27.0 – 18:33.7] And my house manager asked me to take a piss test and, uh, I, I know I'm gonna pass it 'cause it's fake pee. [18:33.7 – 18:36.2] So I was like, “Sure dude, of course I will, bro. [18:36.2 – 18:45.0] It's the middle of summer.” And, uh, and he's like, “You, you popped dirty for heroin.” And I'm like, “Uh, no, I didn't, bro.” And he's like, “Yes, you did.” And I was like, “Whatever. [18:45.0 – 18:45.8] It's impossible. [18:45.8 – 18:48.0] That's fake pee.” And he's like, “You're an idiot. [18:48.0 – 18:52.8] You just admitted to using fake pee.” And I was like, “All right. [18:52.8 – 19:03.0] Yeah, you got me.” And, uh, so this, this super smart kid in high school who was like the smartest kid in his class, uh, just really had all this potential, was now snitching [19:03.0 – 19:05.2] on himself in sober living and getting kicked out. [19:05.2 – 19:08.4] But, but it turns out that's what needed to happen, you know? [19:08.4 – 19:10.6] Because at that point in time, I'd finally had enough. [19:10.6 – 19:14.9] And I go and I, I, I go into a, a, a detox place and, you know… [19:14.9 – 19:21.3] 'Cause if you're anything like me, of course I had state funded insurance 'cause I was a piece of crap, and of course I got my food stamps and my health insurance, you know? [19:21.3 – 19:22.9] So I was like, “All right. [19:22.9 – 19:33.5] I know where I can go 'cause it's the middle of summer and it's hot as balls.” Like, “I'm gonna go, and I'm gonna get sober.” And I'm in there and, and, and now I'm finally getting a little bit of time between, [19:33.5 – 19:35.7] you know, myself and my last, my last shot of dope. [19:35.7 – 19:41.6] And I'm waking up and I'm like, “I'm 35 years old.” 34. [19:41.6 – 19:43.2] How- however many years old. [19:43.2 – 19:45.1] I'm like, “What has my life come to? [19:45.1 – 19:47.1] I have one suitcase worth of things. [19:47.1 – 19:48.4] My mom is homeless. [19:48.4 – 19:49.9] My dad won't talk to me. [19:49.9 – 19:52.4] I'm stealing my grandmother's morphine. [19:52.4 – 19:55.8] Like, what has my life become?” And I say, “You know what? [19:55.8 – 20:01.5] I wanna, I wanna get help.” At this point in time, I'd already been to like three or four inpatient treatments, got kicked out of all of them. [20:01.5 – 20:11.6] And, uh, they're like, “Well, we don't have anywhere for you to go.” And I, I straight up told them, I was like, “I will kill myself if you don't find me a place.” And, you know, luckily, I'd been in the system [20:11.6 – 20:14.6] a, you know, long enough that they were gonna find me a place. [20:14.6 – 20:17.6] I went to this place called Unhooked in Arizona. [20:17.6 – 20:27.6] And it was my first meeting there, and they said, “Is there anyone that has a desire to use?” And I raised my hand and I said, “I [20:27.6 – 20:29.1] just don't know what to do. [20:29.1 – 20:37.2] All I know how to do is get high.” And my sponsor then comes, and he beelines towards me like, like we do here in this fellowship, man. [20:37.2 – 20:40.5] If you are a newcomer, and you raise your hand, like, I'm gonna get you. [20:40.5 – 20:46.1] Um, but, uh, but so, so he beelines towards me, and, uh, I end up meeting this guy. [20:46.1 – 20:50.0] And so this is, this is where, like, I, I, I started to believe that there was a higher power. [20:50.0 – 20:52.8] So this guy, his name is Seth, man. [20:52.8 – 20:53.5] Awesome dude. [20:53.5 – 20:54.1] Really quiet. [20:54.1 – 20:55.6] Kinda weird, but he's an awesome dude. [20:55.6 – 20:57.4] Um, he goes… [20:57.4 – 21:01.3] So we both went to Nova in Wisconsin. [21:01.3 – 21:03.1] This is in Arizona, by the way. [21:03.1 – 21:04.9] We'd both gone to Nova in Wisconsin. [21:04.9 – 21:10.6] We both went to New Freedom in Prescott, and he happened to be showing up at this meeting in Unhooked in, in Mesa, Arizona. [21:10.6 – 21:14.4] And I was like, “Dude, it's meant to be. [21:14.4 – 21:15.1] You know? [21:15.1 – 21:17.4] It's, this is it.” He's like, “All right, man. [21:17.4 – 21:19.0] Like, I'm not here to be your friend. [21:19.0 – 21:20.3] I'm not here to give you cigarettes. [21:20.3 – 21:24.5] I'm here to take you through the book, Alcoholics Anonymous.” And I said, “All right, man. [21:24.5 – 21:24.9] Let's do it. [21:24.9 – 21:35.2] I'm willing to do anything you ask of me.” And he's like , “Well, that's a good thing you said that, man, 'cause it's time to get to work.” So this man went and met with me twice a week for five weeks [21:35.2 – 21:37.4] and took me through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. [21:37.4 – 21:38.5] You know? [21:38.5 – 21:41.3] And, and, and I, I learned that this, that it's, it's not… [21:41.3 – 21:42.5] You don't go slow, man. [21:42.5 – 21:46.1] Like, he was, he was willing to meet with me as long as I put in work. [21:46.1 – 21:49.6] And at that time, I had the desperation of a drowning man. [21:49.6 – 21:51.4] You know? [21:51.4 – 21:53.0] Just, “Please, please help me. [21:53.0 – 21:57.1] What do I do, Seth?” “Well, you shut up, and you read this.” “All right, cool. [21:57.1 – 21:59.3] I'll do that.” And I called him every night. [21:59.3 – 22:00.8] Almost every night. [22:00.8 – 22:02.5] Um, and I was like, “All right, man. [22:02.5 – 22:03.0] I read this. [22:03.0 – 22:06.0] Like, now what do I do?” He's like, “Now you read this.” And he'd go… [22:06.0 – 22:09.1] We'd come, we'd get together, and we went through the book together, you know? [22:09.1 – 22:10.8] And then he gave me my first homework assignment. [22:10.8 – 22:16.1] And I was like, “Whoa, dude.” Like I said, I was willing, but now you want me to actually do stuff? [22:16.1 – 22:20.2] And, uh, and 'cause I was like, “What happened to this meeting maker's crap?” You know? [22:20.2 – 22:20.7] And he's like, “Nope. [22:20.7 – 22:27.0] You're doing work.” I'm like, “All right, cool.” So I, I start, and I change the actor scenario into first person. [22:27.0 – 22:35.4] He has me read that to 10 people, and me being the smart addict that I am, I'm like, “So if I just get 10 other people I'm in treatment with and get them all together and read it once, like that works?” And he's like, “No. [22:35.4 – 22:37.9] You're an idiot.” And I'm like, “All right. [22:37.9 – 22:43.5] Cool.” So I go and, and of course, you know, mind you, I said I was willing to do whatever it takes. [22:43.5 – 22:51.3] So I read to eight people He said, “You know, how– did you read all ten?” “Yes, I did.” And I was like, “Wait a second. [22:51.3 – 22:56.2] No, I didn't.” So now there's a little bit of honesty coming out, you know? [22:56.2 – 23:05.1] 'Cause my natural reaction to, to any question that was asked was to give you the answer that you wanted, and now I was starting to talk about truth. [23:05.1 – 23:07.5] Okay, this is weird. [23:07.5 – 23:10.4] You know, this is a very odd feeling, man. [23:10.4 – 23:11.7] He's like, “All right. [23:11.7 – 23:15.6] Well, it sounds like you actually are ready for the third step,” you know? [23:15.6 – 23:16.5] And I was like, “All right. [23:16.5 – 23:19.5] Well, let's go.” So he's like, “All right. [23:19.5 – 23:25.6] Well, that was cool, so now let's do the fourth step.” And I had always heard like, oh, you know, everyone goes out on the fourth step and all this. [23:25.6 – 23:31.1] So in my head I'm like, ah, sweet, like he's not gonna get mad if I go shoot dope 'cause everyone does it. [23:31.1 – 23:35.8] But, uh, the problem was the treatment I was in had this thing called Vivitrol. [23:35.8 – 23:38.4] And, uh, so they're like, “You know what? [23:38.4 – 23:48.5] We'll take you in, but we think it's a good idea if you're on this shot that blocks everything.” And I'm like, “So like Suboxone, right?” And they're like, “Yeah, but you don't get high.” And I was like, “Well, I don't want any of that.” [23:48.5 – 23:52.6] And so I, I want the easier, softer way, man. [23:52.6 – 23:53.9] Don't you know who you're talking to? [23:53.9 – 23:55.7] Um, and my sponsor… [23:55.7 – 24:04.3] And so again, I asked my sponsor, “What should I do?” He's like, “You should do it.” And I said, “Okay.” Holy shit, now I'm taking suggestions? [24:04.3 – 24:13.2] And it turns out that, that him and my higher power had, uh, bigger plans for me than I did, 'cause when I came to the fourth step it was very difficult. [24:13.2 – 24:17.9] It was a lot of resentments that I held onto that I didn't even know I had. [24:17.9 – 24:23.1] But luckily for me, I was in a safe place, I had a good sponsor. [24:23.1 – 24:26.4] And if you're anything like me, if I can't shoot dope it's not even worth it. [24:26.4 – 24:35.1] So I, I was on something that helped me through it without getting me high, and it let me have what ultimately became a spiritual experience. [24:35.1 – 24:42.6] So I'm going through and I write like 14 pages of resentments and, and we're getting into these things and, and so I go… [24:42.6 – 24:50.9] I'm going through, you know, my, my, my fifth step with this guy now and I'm telling him like, “Well, you know…” And he's like, “Well, what's your part in your mom getting cancer?” And I'm like, “F you, asshole. [24:50.9 – 24:59.1] Nothing, dude.” And he's like, “You held onto it, didn't you?” “Well, well, yeah, I did.” He's like, “Well, did you shoot dope because of it?” I said, “Yes, I did.” [24:59.2 – 24:59.5] I did. [24:59.5 – 25:08.8] He's like, “We need to let that shit go or else you're gonna get high again.” So all those things from when I was an early kid, it was my dad's fault, it was my mom's fault, it was that. [25:08.8 – 25:10.0] No, it was mine, man. [25:10.0 – 25:14.6] I don't know about you, but no one's ever held me down and shot me up. [25:14.6 – 25:18.0] I made a conscious decision to get high. [25:18.0 – 25:22.8] But when I was in active addiction, I had no defense against the first shot. [25:22.8 – 25:32.8] So I go and, and he takes me through and I'm, I'm doing the fifth step and he's like, “All right, now do your, your power hour.” And I'm like, “What the hell is a power hour?” “You [25:32.8 – 25:42.5] go and you pray for everyone that you've got on your resentment list, and you sit there and you lay for an hour.” And I tell you, man, that was, that was the best hour nap I've ever had. [25:42.5 – 25:43.4] You know? [25:43.4 – 25:45.4] Like, everything was just, like, a little… [25:45.4 – 25:52.7] Like, a, a big weight lifted off my shoulder but, but all of a sudden I'm getting a little bit, little bit of peace village inside of this emptiness inside. [25:52.7 – 25:59.7] And it's not like the bull- the, the, the BS of the temporary stuff from, from, you know, my acquaintances and all that. [25:59.7 – 26:04.8] Like, I've actually got something of sustenance inside of me now instead of the spiritual void. [26:04.8 – 26:09.8] So now I go through and, and, and he tells me my character defects, and again I call him an asshole. [26:09.8 – 26:12.3] Um, but, but they were there. [26:12.3 – 26:22.3] And, uh, and then so now I go and he's like, “All right, so,” he's like, “Now you've got to make a list of all people that you had hurt.” And I was like, “But I thought it was everything on my fourth step just goes to my [26:22.3 – 26:31.5] eighth step.” He's like, “Well, that's normally how it is, but for you we're doing it differently 'cause I didn't want you to have it all at once.” So now I have to go and I have to do a harms done to others in making amends. [26:31.5 – 26:41.5] And I go through 'em and he's like, “Well, which ones don't you wanna make?” And, and, you know, I hear all the time like, “Oh, I didn't wanna tell my dad that I stole this,” or, “I didn't wanna do this one.” Mine was I [26:41.5 – 26:43.7] was afraid of the stuff that was gonna get me locked up again. [26:43.7 – 26:52.9] And, uh, so he's like, “All right, well, I want you to go to your job and tell 'em you stole money,” 'cause I had a check waiting and I was gonna use that to go into sober living. [26:52.9 – 26:59.4] He's like, “And you need to pay 'em back out of that money.” I was like, “Dude, but, like, I'm sure they already know.” And he's like, “It doesn't matter. [26:59.4 – 27:08.8] You need to do this.” So, uh, it was one of the greatest things that happened is that I was able to make my first financial amends and one on my absolutely I don't want to-do list while I was still in treatment. [27:08.8 – 27:12.8] And I talked to my job and they're like, “Of course we knew you stole it, man. [27:12.8 – 27:23.0] Was just glad to see that you're doing better.” So I go through and now he's got me reading, um, he's got me doing my, my 10th and 11th, so he's got me doing my nightly review and, [27:23.0 – 27:27.7] and my upon awakening and that works out really well for, like, a week and then I start to think I've got this. [27:27.7 – 27:34.5] And, uh, lo and behold, I got all squirrely and, uh, and I reached out for help. [27:34.5 – 27:36.3] You know? [27:36.3 – 27:44.1] And he's like, “Well, now it's, it's time for, you know, it's time for you to be of service.” So when I was in treatment I went and I helped everywhere I could. [27:44.1 – 27:49.4] I couldn't actually sponsor anyone, but I was able to help and, and, and I started getting that spiritual experience. [27:49.4 – 27:53.5] And now all of a sudden I, I didn't have an urge to get high anymore. [27:53.5 – 27:55.2] You know? [27:55.2 – 27:59.2] And, and, and I was sitting there and prior to this I'd been on a lot of antidepressants. [27:59.2 – 28:00.5] I had been on… [28:00.5 – 28:03.8] Like, I had anxiety and all this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. [28:03.8 – 28:08.3] And, uh, after working the steps, like, all of a sudden I don't need anything. [28:08.3 – 28:10.2] I'm like, “Well, this is weird,” you know? [28:10.2 – 28:14.8] And so I talked to my doctor and they're like, “Well, yeah, let's, let's go and have you take… [28:14.8 – 28:19.9] You know, let's go off this stuff, but do it slowly.” You know, because I'm an addict, like, I'm done. [28:19.9 – 28:21.6] I'm stopping everything right now, you know? [28:21.6 – 28:22.7] I know what's best for me. [28:22.7 – 28:27.2] But again, I talked to my sponsor, I asked for help, and he guided me in the right direction. [28:27.2 – 28:28.1] You know? [28:28.1 – 28:32.7] And so I go through everything and I move into sober living and, and life gets good quick. [28:32.7 – 28:34.1] I get a job. [28:34.1 – 28:35.6] I get a car. [28:35.6 – 28:45.9] Everything's going really well and, uh, I, I go and, uh, I get kicked out of my sober living house I was at, um, for getting into a debate [28:45.9 – 28:48.9] with the owner because again, I'm the smartest guy in the room. [28:48.9 – 28:55.3] And, uh, it was a very humbling experience because it, it kinda put me in check and, uh, and it, and it humbled me. [28:55.3 – 29:00.3] I wasn't going to a lot of meetings, um, but luckily God knows what's best for me even when I don't. [29:00.3 – 29:05.7] And, uh, so he removed me from the unhealthy situation and put me into a, a different place. [29:05.7 – 29:07.4] And I stepped up my game. [29:07.4 – 29:08.5] I started sponsoring people. [29:08.5 – 29:14.5] And, and, and for those of you that have not sponsored anyone else, you are missing the best part of the program. [29:14.5 – 29:23.2] My sponsor told me from very early on that once you get through these steps you are to sponsor someone as soon as possible and if not you are stealing from the program. [29:23.2 – 29:25.1] “You know, I gave this to you. [29:25.1 – 29:26.5] I met up with you twice a week. [29:26.5 – 29:28.0] I took you through the steps. [29:28.0 – 29:38.2] I showed you how to take another man through the steps and if you don't do that you will get high again.” So I go and I sit down with someone else, and so all these resentments and all these fears that I had [29:38.2 – 29:48.2] put me in a situation to where I could be of maximum service to my fellow man because when I took someone else through the steps, some of the shit I heard them say that they did I was like, “You've got [29:48.2 – 29:58.3] to be kidding me.” But because I trusted another man and I had a lot of the same stuff happen to me that happened to them I was able to help and [29:58.3 – 29:59.3] I was able to listen. [29:59.3 – 30:00.7] You know? [30:00.7 – 30:04.3] And I could sit there and I could, I could remove myself from the situation. [30:04.3 – 30:07.0] I let God in and I did my best to help another man. [30:07.0 – 30:11.0] I took him through the book and now all of a sudden I had a sense of purpose. [30:11.0 – 30:21.1] So now all these little bits and pieces that had been filling the spiritual void inside of me now kinda got glued together by the s- by, by the cement of, [30:21.1 – 30:22.6] of having a sense of purpose. [30:22.6 – 30:26.1] My entire life that's all I looked for was a sense of purpose, man. [30:26.1 – 30:36.4] I didn't wanna feel the way I was feeling so I took the easy way out but when I put in some action and actually did something about it, now I had some lifelong [30:36.4 – 30:37.7] sustenance to my life. [30:37.7 – 30:40.3] Like, there was a reason why I went through what I went through. [30:40.3 – 30:50.4] 'Cause if, if, if you would've told me prior to going through the things I went through, which I left out a lot of stuff 'cause it's only an hour meeting, if you would've told me prior to that that [30:50.4 – 30:58.1] everything you're gonna go through is gonna make it so that you're useful 20 s- 25 years from now, I'd have been like, “You're out of your mind, man. [30:58.1 – 31:05.2] Give me whatever you're smoking 'cause that's awesome, bro.” Like, “Like, you're crazy.” But now knowing this I wouldn't do it any other different. [31:05.2 – 31:06.0] I wouldn't do it differently. [31:06.0 – 31:11.7] You know, and I, I sit there because for me, like, cancer has ravaged my entire family. [31:11.7 – 31:15.3] Everyone I have loved in my family has had cancer. [31:15.3 – 31:20.8] And if– This is something I hold onto and, and I say frequently. [31:20.8 – 31:30.8] If, if my whole purpose in this life is to work mediocre jobs, just doing the best I can so that I can have time to dedicate myself to this program [31:30.8 – 31:37.5] and this fellowship, and I might save someone who comes up with the cure for cancer, like, that's a badass purpose. [31:37.5 – 31:39.1] You know? [31:39.1 – 31:41.2] I get a little tingly just thinking about it. [31:41.2 – 31:42.1] But I don't know, man. [31:42.1 – 31:47.3] And the only way that I'm gonna find out is if I get out of my own way and let God direct my actions. [31:47.3 – 31:51.3] 'Cause up here, this is still crazy drug addict Jeff. [31:51.3 – 31:54.3] And sometimes right here is the same thing. [31:54.3 – 32:00.3] But what happens if I d- if I just kind of separate myself, I pray, I ask for advice? [32:00.3 – 32:03.3] Eventually, one of these is gonna show me the right direction. [32:03.3 – 32:05.3] You know? [32:05.3 – 32:07.2] And a lot of times I just know what not to do. [32:07.2 – 32:12.1] You know, I don't know what's God's will for me is, but I know it's not shooting dope every day. [32:12.1 – 32:15.3] 'Cause they say, like, if you can drink like a gentleman. [32:15.3 – 32:17.2] There's no shooting dope like a gentleman, man. [32:17.2 – 32:18.4] Like, it doesn't happen. [32:18.4 – 32:19.7] You know? [32:19.7 – 32:21.8] And if there was a way, I would've done it already. [32:21.8 – 32:27.7] You know, the only solution I have found is through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. [32:27.7 – 32:31.9] And luckily, I found a fellowship here in Heroin Anonymous that goes out of that book. [32:31.9 – 32:38.1] Because since I worked through the steps, I have not had the desire or the need to use drugs or alcohol. [32:38.1 – 32:43.3] So I can say with a clear conscience that I have not relapsed since I've been sober. [32:43.3 – 32:46.4] Because prior to this, I didn't know a better way. [32:46.4 – 32:56.5] So if you have gone through the steps, like my sponsor says, “Please don't steal from the program.” You know, this seat was given to you [32:56.5 – 32:58.4] by the people that got sober before you. [32:58.4 – 33:01.9] It is given to the people that come after you by you being of service. [33:01.9 – 33:04.6] So I don't know, man. [33:04.6 – 33:06.0] I appreciate everyone being here. [33:06.0 – 33:07.7] I'm glad that we're all sober today. [33:07.7 – 33:09.9] You know I love all of you at the Outpaths. [33:09.9 – 33:10.9] Go Jeff.