Transcript

[00:00.2 – 00:04.2] So it is my privilege to introduce our speaker for the evening, Earl H. [00:04.2 – 00:19.8] Hi, [00:19.8 – 00:20.3] everybody. [00:20.3 – 00:20.9] My name's Earl. [00:20.9 – 00:21.5] I'm an addict. [00:21.5 – 00:24.6] Hi, Earl. [00:24.6 – 00:24.7] Hey. [00:24.7 – 00:25.3] Hi, everybody. [00:25.3 – 00:30.6] Ah, thank you for asking me to come share. [00:30.6 – 00:32.5] It's always an honor and a privilege to do this. [00:32.5 – 00:37.2] Um, this in particular, I think this is terrific. [00:37.2 – 00:39.4] Um, nice to be at the … [00:39.4 – 00:40.5] What do you call this now? [00:40.5 – 00:43.0] It's the, the Heroin Hyatt Regency now? [00:43.0 – 00:44.4] It's, uh … [00:44.4 – 00:51.6] And, uh, um, I moved to town about 18 months ago, uh, from LA. [00:51.6 – 00:53.8] Lived my whole life in LA, just LA to the bone. [00:53.8 – 00:57.0] And I moved out here about a year and a half ago, and I love it here, man. [00:57.0 – 00:58.4] I will never go back. [00:58.4 – 01:01.4] Uh, so you guy- Yeah. [01:01.4 – 01:03.4] I love it here. [01:03.4 – 01:07.1] Um, all right. [01:07.1 – 01:08.4] Let's just get to it, I guess. [01:08.4 – 01:12.6] You know, I, uh, I didn't start using until I was 12. [01:12.6 – 01:17.1] I waited as- I waited as long as I could, man. [01:17.1 – 01:22.7] I was- I was restless, irritable, and discontented for quite some time prior to that. [01:22.7 – 01:24.4] Uh, you know what I mean? [01:24.4 – 01:26.9] Life got strange for me by around four. [01:26.9 – 01:33.5] I remember years later as an adult, you know, I'm sitting in therapy and I, you know, therapy and I go way back, right? [01:33.5 – 01:35.5] Outside issue, but, you know, whatever. [01:35.5 – 01:41.5] It's, uh- I'm talking to this, I said, “Yeah, yeah,” you know, and I'm waxing philosophic about this issue and that. [01:41.5 – 01:49.4] I'm like, “Yeah, you know, I've been dealing with a lot of, you know, PTSD and, you know, anxiety and stuff like that since, uh, you know, early 20s.” And she just laughed. [01:49.4 – 01:50.8] It's like, seriously? [01:50.8 – 01:53.0] You go through therapy, you're laughing, right? [01:53.0 – 02:00.5] And she said, uh, she said, “Honey, you've been looking over your shoulder since you were four years old.” And I s- and it really stopped me. [02:00.5 – 02:02.3] I thought, “Wow, that's really true.” You know what I mean? [02:02.3 – 02:06.9] I was, uh, afraid. [02:06.9 – 02:12.2] I was, you know, I didn't know what was gonna happen next from the age of four on. [02:12.2 – 02:12.6] It give me … [02:12.6 – 02:22.6] And I grew up in a household with a very violent, um, literally homicidal father, um, and a mother who didn't know how to defend me. [02:22.6 – 02:24.8] And I was, uh, I was his focus. [02:24.8 – 02:29.7] I had a older half-sister and a younger sister, and he was, uh, he, but he was focused on me, man. [02:29.7 – 02:37.1] I was gonna be all the things he'd never been, and he was gonna beat me into the success of those things if it killed me, you know what I mean? [02:37.1 – 02:38.6] And damn near did. [02:38.6 – 02:42.5] And, uh, when I was 12 years old, he did a bunch of tests on me. [02:42.5 – 02:45.5] I was a, I was the kind of kid where if you, uh … [02:45.5 – 02:50.8] I was quiet, but if you took your eyes off me, man, I was gone. [02:50.8 – 02:53.1] Just, you know, he's like, “I wonder what's going on over there. [02:53.1 – 02:55.3] Where'd he go?” You just, pew. [02:55.3 – 02:56.3] Man, I was out of there. [02:56.3 – 03:01.5] And we lived up in these canyons, and I would hop over the back fence and go down to the canyon. [03:01.5 – 03:08.1] I'd find the deer trails, and I'd follow a deer trail for a while, and then pull off into the bushes and just sit there around dusk, right? [03:08.1 – 03:11.0] And just be still as stone sitting there. [03:11.0 – 03:15.5] And pretty soon the deer would come by, and the deer would walk right by me, and I'd watch the deer walk by. [03:15.5 – 03:20.6] And eventually I got a piece of a salt lick, and I'd go sit down in that canyon, and I'd wait for the deer. [03:20.6 – 03:22.7] They'd come by, and I'd stick my hand out with the salt. [03:22.7 – 03:29.4] Pretty soon I'd get the deer to lick the salt out of my hand, and I was just kind of tripping, you know, for a little kid, right? [03:29.4 – 03:37.9] And I'd just stay in it until I'd hear somebody yelling my name, and then I'd run back up, hop over the fence, take the beating, go to my room, and, you know, go do my homework, right? [03:37.9 – 03:44.0] And they just thought I was a weird kid, so they ran a bunch of tests on me, and they found out I had this very high IQ, right? [03:44.0 – 03:46.1] I don't have it anymore, so I'm not bragging. [03:46.1 – 03:49.4] It's like, it's long gone. [03:49.4 – 03:54.5] Um, but as a result of that, I had to take an even bigger test, five-and-a-half-hour exam. [03:54.5 – 03:58.0] There was a school, uh, like a think tank for kids, right? [03:58.0 – 04:01.3] Um, and they had students from all over the world in this school. [04:01.3 – 04:02.8] It was 250 boys. [04:02.8 – 04:05.7] And they were ha- it was the f- they were gonna have their first eighth grade. [04:05.7 – 04:07.9] It was ninth through 12th grade, boarding school. [04:07.9 – 04:11.4] And they decided they'd have, they were gonna have their first five year men. [04:11.4 – 04:13.4] They were gonna have eight- these eighth graders. [04:13.4 – 04:16.8] And so they, uh, all over the world kids are taking these tests, right? [04:16.8 – 04:19.2] And 16 of us passed the test. [04:19.2 – 04:22.0] Right? [04:22.0 – 04:30.5] So how I found out I was going to boarding school for five years was this guy, my father- … [04:30.5 – 04:34.7] opens up the door in my room, and he goes, “Get in the car.” I was like, “All right. [04:34.7 – 04:42.0] Stay calm.” And when I got in the car, and it was like another car and family members, and like, like something was happening, right? [04:42.0 – 04:44.3] But one, and I'm used to not knowing what's going on. [04:44.3 – 04:46.6] So I got in the car, and we all drove and drove and drove and drove and drove. [04:46.6 – 04:53.2] We ended up at the base of this mountain, up by these buildings, and he got out of the car, and I got out of the car, and nobody else got out of the cars, right? [04:53.2 – 04:54.2] They didn't even turn them off. [04:54.2 – 04:55.5] They just kept the engines running. [04:55.5 – 05:02.2] And he walked over me, he put a suitcase down next to me, and he shook my hand, and he said, “This will make a man out of you.” And he got back in the car, and they all drove off, right? [05:02.2 – 05:12.4] And I, I was to find out that I was the youngest and smallest kid in a school of 250 boys, and they had scoured the earth to find 250 of the brightest, most disturbed [05:12.4 – 05:13.9] young boys they could find. [05:13.9 – 05:16.4] And it was like Lord of the Flies in this place, right? [05:16.4 – 05:18.9] It was nuts. [05:18.9 – 05:19.6] And- [05:20.2 – 05:22.1] I was just a target, you know what I mean? [05:22.1 – 05:25.2] Little baby-faced 12-year-old. [05:25.2 – 05:26.6] Everybody's 13 to 18. [05:26.6 – 05:28.9] I'm the only non-teenager in the whole place. [05:28.9 – 05:31.0] I call home for three days crying, right? [05:31.0 – 05:34.8] Saying, you know, “Just, you gotta come get me,” to my mom, c- talking to my mother. [05:34.8 – 05:35.6] “You gotta come get me. [05:35.6 – 05:36.3] I gotta get out of here. [05:36.3 – 05:37.3] This is nuts. [05:37.3 – 05:38.6] This is a huge mistake. [05:38.6 – 05:41.6] Uh, we'll just call this a parental mulligan.” You know what I mean? [05:41.6 – 05:42.0] It just… [05:42.0 – 05:44.3] You know, “You come get me, and we'll… [05:44.3 – 05:46.0] There'll be no discussion about this. [05:46.0 – 05:50.8] We'll just go back to b- j- but you gotta get me.” In the background, you hear my father going, “Hang up.” Right? [05:50.8 – 05:52.1] It's like, “Gotta go.” Click. [05:52.1 – 05:52.4] Right. [05:52.4 – 05:56.3] And after three days, it was like something broke inside me, and I thought, “You know what? [05:56.3 – 05:56.8] You don't want me. [05:56.8 – 05:60.0] I don't want you either.” And I turned my back on my family and pretty much never went back. [05:60.0 – 06:07.8] And I met, you know, first week there I'm walking around, scared of my own shadow, trying not to make eye contact with anybody, and I met Tiny. [06:07.8 – 06:09.9] Every high school got a guy named Tiny, right? [06:09.9 – 06:11.3] He's 6'4″, 240. [06:11.3 – 06:12.6] He plays guard on the football… [06:12.6 – 06:14.8] You know, it's this huge person, right? [06:14.8 – 06:18.0] And he, like 17 years old. [06:18.0 – 06:26.1] And I'm walking through the quad, and he sees me and he goes, “Hey, how you doing, punk?” And he slaps me in the back of the head, sends me and my books flying in front of everybody, right? [06:26.1 – 06:28.0] Right out in the middle of the whole deal, right? [06:28.0 – 06:30.0] And he thought he just smacked this little guy, right? [06:30.0 – 06:32.9] He didn't know he'd smacked a guy who was prepared to die now, right? [06:32.9 – 06:37.8] And, you know, I just got up and s- I mean, I saw him. [06:37.8 – 06:47.1] It's one of those moments where you're having that out-of-body experience where you're watching yourself do something and your head is saying, “This is a terrible idea.” And it's just not slowing you down at all. [06:47.1 – 06:49.0] That information's not having any effect. [06:49.0 – 06:54.2] And I walked right up to him, and I popped him as hard as I could, man, which had no effect on Tiny whatsoever. [06:54.2 – 07:03.4] And then I just stood in front of him, like, you know, I, “You're gonna have to take it from here, dude, 'cause I have no idea,” you know- “… [07:03.4 – 07:03.9] where to go. [07:03.9 – 07:07.9] I don't know what happens next, you know?” S- I kinda do, but… [07:07.9 – 07:12.6] And Tiny looked at- down at me and he goes, “You got a lotta guts, kid.” And then he beat the crap out of me, right? [07:12.6 – 07:16.3] And as I'm taking the beating, I'm thinking, “This is going pretty good,” you know? [07:16.3 – 07:21.8] 'Cause he had said, “You got a lotta guts.” So the violence had masked my fear. [07:21.8 – 07:25.0] So my first tool for living was, when frightened, attack. [07:25.0 – 07:25.8] You know? [07:25.8 – 07:31.2] If you're climbing over a table at people, they're not thinking to themselves, “W- what's this guy so frightened about?” You know? [07:31.2 – 07:34.6] Which is, in fact, absolutely the case, right? [07:34.6 – 07:40.6] So I go, you know, I just, you know, he kept hi- hit- hitting me, and I'd get up, and he'd hit me, and I'd get up, and he'd hit me, and I'd get up. [07:40.6 – 07:42.4] I mean, it was getting embarrassing, you know what I mean? [07:42.4 – 07:45.6] Guys were standing around going, “Dude, just stay down. [07:45.6 – 07:49.7] Stay down.” And Tiny's looking at me like, “Would you please stay down? [07:49.7 – 07:53.4] This is getting embarrassing.” And eventually he just got me good, and I just, that was it. [07:53.4 – 07:54.2] I was just laid out. [07:54.2 – 07:59.2] And eventually I got up and I staggered back to my dorm room, and I got n- I mean, knots. [07:59.2 – 08:00.2] I mean, I'm beat up. [08:00.2 – 08:02.5] And I'm sitting there waiting for the bleeding to stop. [08:02.5 – 08:05.2] And I, my life sucks as far as I can tell, right? [08:05.2 – 08:08.8] But word spread across this campus like wildfire in, like, 30 minutes. [08:08.8 – 08:10.5] “Watch out for this little Hightower kid. [08:10.5 – 08:11.4] He's a maniac. [08:11.4 – 08:12.9] He attacked Tiny,” right? [08:12.9 – 08:17.9] So now I got this reputation as a maniac when I'm a frightened child, right? [08:17.9 – 08:20.0] But now I'm a m- now I'm a maniac, right? [08:20.0 – 08:31.4] So the cool guys came around, and this guy named Matt stuck his head in my room, and he, and he looks at me, he goes, “Bro, you wanna smoke a joint?” And I said, “Yes, I do.” And [08:31.4 – 08:33.6] I didn't even know what he was talking about, you know? [08:33.6 – 08:36.5] I just heard, “Do you wanna come with us?” And the answer was, “Yeah, man. [08:36.5 – 08:42.5] I'm, like, alone in the universe, and I'm getting attacked by large people.” “So you wanna hook up? [08:42.5 – 08:43.5] I'm in.” Right? [08:43.5 – 08:49.8] So we went and we picked up Steve, and Steve had a Tupperware container full of cheap red wine wrapped in aluminum foil, right? [08:49.8 – 08:56.0] I mean, like, like, cheap re- no grapes involved red wine, you know what I mean? [08:56.0 – 08:58.2] Fortified stuff. [08:58.2 – 08:59.5] Little Mad Dog, you know what I mean? [08:59.5 – 09:04.3] We went be- And two 13-year-olds and a 12-year-old, and the three of us went behind the dorm room. [09:04.3 – 09:06.8] I remember standing by this big oak tree, right? [09:06.8 – 09:09.4] And Matt fired up the joint, took a hit, and handed it to me. [09:09.4 – 09:15.0] And I took a hit, and it just burned my lungs, and I thought, “Ugh, you know, let's try that wine thing,” right? [09:15.0 – 09:21.9] So he brought the wine around, took a pull on the wine, and it went down, hit the bottom of my stomach, and did that vapor action thing that that stuff does, you know what I mean? [09:21.9 – 09:24.4] It was just like, “Oof, you know? [09:24.4 – 09:25.8] That's nasty, right? [09:25.8 – 09:26.7] Give me that joint back. [09:26.7 – 09:36.5] Let's try that again.” You know, and there was this faint little voice that would become the loudest voice in my life in the back of my head going, “Keep going. [09:36.5 – 09:37.1] You'll get it. [09:37.1 – 09:42.7] Keep going.” You know, so I'm standing there, two total strangers, me. [09:42.7 – 09:44.9] Tiny's out there wandering around. [09:44.9 – 09:46.9] Family's thrown me away as far as I can tell. [09:46.9 – 09:49.3] I mean, I'm, you know, it was just bleak. [09:49.3 – 09:50.9] It is bleak. [09:50.9 – 09:53.2] And I mean, it happened. [09:53.2 – 09:57.6] That thing that makes me bodily and mentally different from my fellows occurred in the blink of an eye. [09:57.6 – 10:05.0] And suddenly I was comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with, and I'd never felt like that before in my life, you know? [10:05.0 – 10:10.0] I had, for the first time in my life, I breathed in fully and I exhaled fully. [10:10.0 – 10:13.0] I got that thing out at . [10:13.0 – 10:15.0] I got it. [10:15.0 – 10:16.3] I got one. [10:16.3 – 10:18.1] And that was it. [10:18.1 – 10:20.8] And I don't know, is it the pot? [10:20.8 – 10:21.8] Is it the wine? [10:21.8 – 10:26.2] Is it the fact that I'm standing here with my two very close personal friends, Matt and Steve? [10:26.2 – 10:30.8] I don't know and I don't care, 'cause it's, it's on, right? [10:30.8 – 10:36.7] And I gotta remember that in the beginning, it worked perfectly for me, right? [10:36.7 – 10:38.0] Nobody died that night. [10:38.0 – 10:39.1] Nobody went to jail. [10:39.1 – 10:40.1] Nobody went to prison. [10:40.5 – 10:41.8] Nobody went to the nuthouse. [10:41.8 – 10:43.0] No blood was drawn. [10:43.0 – 10:48.5] You know, all those things were gonna happen, but they didn't happen that night. [10:48.5 – 10:51.0] I feel better than you've ever felt before. [10:51.0 – 10:52.2] Nothing bad happens. [10:52.2 – 10:54.2] Man, I'm in, right? [10:54.2 – 10:57.9] And ne- next morning I woke up, I mean, I was just like, “Your family doesn't want me? [10:57.9 – 10:58.5] Screw them. [10:58.5 – 11:00.2] I don't need them anymore. [11:00.2 – 11:03.1] I got something better now.” Tiny wants to go another… [11:03.1 – 11:04.3] You want to take another shot at it? [11:04.3 – 11:05.5] Bring it on, Tiny. [11:05.5 – 11:06.3] You know? [11:06.3 – 11:16.5] I've been beaten by better men than you And went [11:16.5 – 11:26.1] back to my room, woke up the next morning, and the first thing I thought was, “I gotta find Matt and Steve.” I gotta find those guys, 'cause I don't know how to get that yet, but they do, and I need it. [11:26.1 – 11:28.1] And I didn't know what was happening. [11:28.1 – 11:28.4] I just… [11:28.4 – 11:29.5] It was just that day. [11:29.5 – 11:30.9] That's all it ever was. [11:30.9 – 11:32.0] You know, 13 was pills. [11:32.0 – 11:36.6] The only reason I took a pill is I was on a 10-hour pass from that boarding school, and a guy walked up to me and he had… [11:36.6 – 11:41.6] He said, “Would you like a couple of pills?” And I said, “Yes, I would.” You know? [11:41.6 – 11:49.8] And I took them and I said, “Well, what were those?” And he said, “Those, that's Tuinal.” I said, “All right. [11:49.8 – 11:54.7] No idea what that means.” “I, I imagine I'm gonna find out shortly.” And I did. [11:54.7 – 11:58.6] About 20 minutes later, I was laying on the ground and very happy down there, man. [11:58.6 – 12:01.4] This, just, it was all good, you know? [12:01.4 – 12:04.6] I couldn't remember what I'd been upset about just moments ago. [12:04.6 – 12:12.8] And the guy came by and he said, “Anything I can do for you?” I said, “What do you call that?” He said, “Tuinal.” I said, “Okay, I'm gonna remember that.” And I got strung out on Tuinal, Seconal, Placidyl. [12:12.8 – 12:14.6] I mean, I love barbiturates, man. [12:14.6 – 12:15.6] I love that stuff. [12:15.6 – 12:16.8] Love that stuff. [12:16.8 – 12:17.2] Just… [12:17.2 – 12:20.4] I don't even know if they make them anymore, right? [12:20.4 – 12:24.7] The only reason to take a Tuinal is if you have a sincere need to melt. [12:24.7 – 12:25.8] That's it. [12:25.8 – 12:27.9] That's what they're for. [12:27.9 – 12:30.7] Now 14 was psychedelics. [12:30.7 – 12:34.3] The only reason I took a psychedelic was I was on another 10-hour pass with a girl named Debbie. [12:34.3 – 12:35.7] Bad girl, Debbie. [12:35.7 – 12:36.8] Very bad girl. [12:36.8 – 12:39.6] I'll love her till the day I die. [12:39.6 – 12:49.7] Man, she changed it up for me, man, and Debbie said, “Would you want to drop some acid?” And I said, “Yes, I do, Debbie.” “Anything you say goes.” And she [12:49.7 – 12:53.4] took out a lipstick tube, and she spun it up, and on the end of the tube was this little pill, right? [12:53.4 – 12:54.8] So I just took it and swallowed it. [12:54.8 – 12:56.5] Thank you. [12:56.5 – 13:02.3] And she said, uh, “Um, did you take that whole thing?” Yes, I did. [13:02.3 – 13:04.1] It was a very tiny pill, right? [13:04.1 – 13:08.2] And she said, “Well, that's three hits of white lightning.” Ooh. [13:08.2 – 13:11.3] I love it when there's identification on that one, man. [13:11.3 – 13:12.7] People in the room just… [13:12.7 – 13:18.6] Everybody hears that that's done it, goes, “Ooh.” No, that is incorrect, Earl. [13:18.6 – 13:19.7] You don't do that. [13:19.7 – 13:23.2] Again, I was to find out what that means. [13:23.2 – 13:27.2] Take, s- start your tripping with three hits of white lightning. [13:27.2 – 13:29.8] Two days later, I kinda came back around, right? [13:29.8 – 13:35.6] 600, 650 hits later, I got classified legally insane by the military. [13:35.6 – 13:37.3] That's a whole story we don't have time for here. [13:37.3 – 13:39.9] Um, 15, I started shooting dope. [13:39.9 – 13:43.8] And the only reason I shot dope is I was on a boat in Marina del Rey with a girl named Cammie. [13:43.8 – 13:45.2] Very nice girl. [13:45.2 – 13:50.9] I like to think of her as a sharer. [13:50.9 – 13:51.7] She shared. [13:51.7 – 13:52.4] Liked to share. [13:52.4 – 14:02.9] And one way she shared was she said, “Would you like me to stick this in your body?” And I said, “You know, I'm certain of it.” “I'm certain that I would.” And [14:02.9 – 14:05.9] so she did, and it was one of those shots where you get the shot and you… [14:05.9 – 14:07.8] You ever been on a boat and those, you know, they had that… [14:07.8 – 14:13.1] There's, like, s- a seating area, and then there's, like, a table that folds down, sits, and just sits on a pole. [14:13.1 – 14:14.9] One of those, like, flimsy little tables, right? [14:14.9 – 14:16.4] We were sitting around that, right? [14:16.4 – 14:18.0] And she pops me, right? [14:18.0 – 14:23.4] And I just, it was one of those Right? [14:23.4 – 14:31.0] And on the way down, all I was thinking was, “If I'm not dead, I'm doing that again.” 'Cause that was awesome, right? [14:31.0 – 14:33.0] You know? [14:33.0 – 14:37.1] And- I'm, like, 16, 15 years old. [14:37.1 – 14:39.2] 16, I started going to the nuthouse, you know. [14:39.2 – 14:40.7] I dropped out of high school. [14:40.7 – 14:43.3] I figured four years of Latin was enough, right? [14:43.3 – 14:50.0] And my, uh, father comes back in my life and says, “You've obviously lost your mind.” And they threw me in a mental institution, right? [14:50.0 – 14:53.9] 'Cause they didn't know what to do with, you know, teenage junkies back then, right? [14:53.9 – 15:03.9] And so they locked me up in this, in the Ward 1 North, intensive psychotherapeutic lock ward, for three months of observation and a year of rehabilitation, which I thought was a little [15:03.9 – 15:04.6] excessive. [15:04.6 – 15:05.3] Right? [15:05.3 – 15:13.9] So I eventually talked my way out of that joint, and then, uh, went back on the street, doing what we do to stay loaded on a daily basis, right? [15:13.9 – 15:17.3] And then, uh, they came back with a net, threw a net over me, brought me back in. [15:17.3 – 15:23.8] And I had learned, though, from that first time, you wanna get out, you gotta get out before they get the Thorazine in you. [15:23.8 – 15:27.8] 'Cause once they get the Thorazine in you, you're, you leave when they say. [15:27.8 – 15:30.7] 'Cause you got two speeds now: slow and stopped. [15:30.7 – 15:31.4] That's it. [15:31.4 – 15:36.4] And I had tried to escape the first time, and it was embarrassing. [15:36.4 – 15:43.2] It was like, “Ready, ready, go.” You know? [15:43.2 – 15:49.5] And, and you're in the lo- you're in the cafeteria, and you hear over the loudspeaker, “Uh, Ed, when you got a minute, you wanna grab Earl? [15:49.5 – 15:54.8] He's making a break for the door.” You know, Ed's in there having a sandwich, going, “Yeah, yeah, I'll get him in a minute. [15:54.8 – 15:57.7] He ain't going nowhere.” And you're, like, got the arms working and everything. [15:57.7 – 16:00.1] You're just like, “This is demoralizing, man” [16:00.9 – 16:02.4] Back to the room with no doorknob. [16:02.4 – 16:10.3] So the next time I got thrown in a nuthouse, I escaped during admission, right? [16:10.3 – 16:13.1] Before they got th- that little cup of pills in me, right? [16:13.1 – 16:13.5] There's… [16:13.5 – 16:15.3] I hit it, man. [16:15.3 – 16:18.4] Bells going off, whistles, dude chasing me. [16:18.4 – 16:21.5] I'm heading for a 12-foot ivy-covered chain link fence. [16:21.5 – 16:22.5] I can see it like it was yesterday. [16:22.5 – 16:26.3] I had, like, a theme song playing in my head as I'm running for it, right? [16:26.3 – 16:30.1] I hit that fence about halfway up and was over that fence, and I was gone for three years. [16:30.1 – 16:30.4] Boom. [16:30.4 – 16:32.1] Out on the street, doing what we do, right? [16:32.1 – 16:37.1] Um, after that, I ended up, series of weird circumstances. [16:37.1 – 16:47.6] And at, at 16-and-a-half, a guy said to me, we were just hanging out somewhere, and this guy goes, “You know, brother, you're an alcoholic.” And I, I just looked at him like, [16:47.6 – 16:51.5] “Well, what's your point?” You know? [16:51.5 – 16:59.3] I mean, you can call me that if you want to, but if you think calling me that's gonna change how I behave, you're out of your mind. [16:59.3 – 17:02.4] The only reason we're talking right now is 'cause I'm high. [17:02.4 – 17:06.2] You know? [17:06.2 – 17:13.5] It's al- by 16, it had already gotten like that, where people were, like, pointing out that I was s- different somehow. [17:13.5 – 17:16.5] And I never touched the brakes, right? [17:16.5 – 17:20.9] By the time I was, uh, 19, twen- 19, I'd gotten into college. [17:20.9 – 17:23.2] Long story how I pulled that off. [17:23.2 – 17:27.3] But I ended up in a pretty good business college up in northern California, and I'm studying… [17:27.3 – 17:32.4] I've become a drug dealer, um, 'cause, you know, do what you know, you know? [17:32.4 – 17:36.3] And, and I had no, you know, I had no problem being a drug dealer. [17:36.3 – 17:37.7] I had no sense of family. [17:37.7 – 17:38.9] I had no sense of community. [17:38.9 – 17:40.1] I had no morals. [17:40.1 – 17:40.9] I had no ethics. [17:40.9 – 17:42.9] I was just loose, you know? [17:42.9 – 17:44.4] I was just out there in it, right? [17:44.4 – 17:49.6] And, uh, um, I'm in business college, and I'm studying marketing, production, distribution. [17:49.6 – 17:50.9] I'm applying it to my business. [17:50.9 – 17:52.0] Business is booming. [17:52.0 – 17:54.2] You know, so I think college is awesome, right? [17:54.2 – 18:00.2] So by the time I'm 20, I'm, I'm, you know, things are, you know, sailing along up in northern California, and I go to, uh… [18:00.2 – 18:01.3] They had a health fair. [18:01.3 – 18:02.5] So I went to the health fair, right? [18:02.5 – 18:13.1] And they did, you know, were giving out free exams and this and that, and they said, “We think you should go to a doctor.” And I was like, “All right.” So I went to a doctor, and that guy said, uh, “You have malignant cancer.” I [18:13.1 – 18:15.1] was like, “Well, of course I do.” Right? [18:15.1 – 18:18.3] It kinda s- kinda fits somehow. [18:18.3 – 18:30.3] So I flew back to LA, and they did major surgery on my upper back, and they told me to get my affairs in order, and that was the first time in my life I really was sto- I didn't have any, you know, cute [18:30.3 – 18:31.9] little retort, you know what I mean? [18:31.9 – 18:33.2] I hadn't, I had no comeback. [18:33.2 – 18:43.2] The guy said, “You know, you should really think about getting your affairs in order,” and I was like, “Jesus, I'm 20, man.” And this guy's saying, “Get your affairs in order.” I mean, the d- honest answer is, you know, I make a couple of phone calls, and we're pretty much good [18:43.2 – 18:43.9] to go, you know? [18:43.9 – 18:45.6] 'Cause I got nothing. [18:45.6 – 18:47.5] I have done nothing with my life. [18:47.5 – 18:49.1] I have accomplished nothing. [18:49.1 – 18:51.0] I got nothing to say for myself. [18:51.0 – 18:54.9] I've spent 20 years on this planet, and you say, “What did you do while you were here? [18:54.9 – 18:55.8] How did you help? [18:55.8 – 18:58.5] What did you contribute?” I got nothing to say. [18:58.5 – 19:09.2] And it really struck me, right, that I had got, that I'd been so closed up and, and still couldn't put my finger on why, you know? [19:09.2 – 19:12.0] And, uh, I came down to LA, did the, did the surgery. [19:12.0 – 19:14.6] They did, put me in, they called it nuclear medicine back then. [19:14.6 – 19:15.3] It's chemo, right? [19:15.3 – 19:22.9] And I did that for a while, and I didn't like the drugs they had, so s- I stopped going, and I just went home and got loaded the way I get loaded. [19:22.9 – 19:24.8] You know, I'm a long-term cancer survivor. [19:24.8 – 19:34.9] And a friend of mine used to tell me, he goes, “Earl, the only reason you made it is you were s- you were so toxic, cancer could not live in your body.” And I made it, so [19:34.9 – 19:37.7] I've been so, I, I, I haven't had, I've been cancer-free. [19:37.7 – 19:41.6] I go every six months still, but I've been cancer-free for four years. [19:41.6 – 19:42.6] More than that. [19:42.6 – 19:43.3] Um… [19:43.3 – 19:46.2] Long time. [19:46.2 – 19:49.4] Longer than 90% of you have been alive. [19:49.4 – 19:58.8] Anyway, I, uh- So I, I, I, I fly back up north, and I'm going back in s- school, and I'm 21 years old, in my 20s. [19:58.8 – 20:00.6] My mother calls me, crying. [20:00.6 – 20:06.0] You know, sons don't have much of a defense against a crying mother, right? [20:06.0 – 20:11.2] My mother calls me and says, “We haven't been anywhere as a family in 10 years, and you and your father are gonna put this thing down. [20:11.2 – 20:14.5] We're gonna bury this thing, and we're gonna go forward as a family. [20:14.5 – 20:16.7] We're putting this family back together.” And I said… [20:16.7 – 20:26.7] “And we're doing it on your birthday, so you fly down to LA, and we'll go anywhere you wanna go, but we're going as a family.” And I just said, “Fine.” So I flew back to LA, and I was so high, man, when I showed [20:26.7 – 20:26.9] up. [20:26.9 – 20:33.1] I mean, by that time I had, you know, hair down to my elbows, and I was just, you know, a wreck. [20:33.1 – 20:37.9] And I showed up, and my mother just looked at me like, “That's adorable.” You know. [20:37.9 – 20:47.9] And we got on the plane to fly to Guadalajara, and on the way there, the plane crashed, and my mother, my father, and my little sister all died in the crash, and I survived [20:47.9 – 20:48.0] it. [20:48.0 – 20:50.5] And I, I came to in the wreck, and I was, uh… [20:50.5 – 20:57.1] I'd fractured my skull, broke my back in three places, fracture, a lot of fractures. [20:57.1 – 20:58.6] Crushed my arm and my leg. [20:58.6 – 20:59.9] I was paralyzed from the waist down. [20:59.9 – 21:01.7] A lot of internal injuries, and I was awake. [21:01.7 – 21:03.4] The only thing I could move was my right arm. [21:03.4 – 21:04.2] I couldn't… [21:04.2 – 21:05.3] I was just there, you know? [21:05.3 – 21:07.7] And my father was laying right over there. [21:07.7 – 21:10.7] My little sister, my m- actually, my mother was right over there. [21:10.7 – 21:14.0] My little sister Kimberly was right over there, and my, my father was over there. [21:14.0 – 21:16.3] And I couldn't get to any of them to help them. [21:16.3 – 21:17.3] I couldn't help any of them. [21:17.3 – 21:19.5] And I watched them all bleed to death in front of me. [21:19.5 – 21:20.1] And- [21:20.3 – 21:24.2] And it was, it wasn't like a big dramatic thing, it was just this really, you can… [21:24.2 – 21:26.6] You know, it was so quiet up there, right? [21:26.6 – 21:30.2] And when they were all gone, I felt it. [21:30.2 – 21:34.6] I mean, I felt alone, you know, all the way through me. [21:34.6 – 21:36.1] In my bones I felt alone. [21:36.1 – 21:40.7] And I felt like, yeah, like the deepest part of me there was a switch and I just flipped it off. [21:40.7 – 21:50.7] You know, any God that would take a kind, gentle, poetic creature like my little sister Kimberly, and leave a lying, cheating, thieving dope fiend like me on the planet, I had no use [21:50.7 – 21:53.5] for a God of this type, and I renounced God, you know? [21:53.5 – 21:58.1] And then some guys came up and they scavenged the wreck, and they took what they could find of value, and they left me there to die. [21:58.1 – 21:59.5] So I had no more love of you either. [21:59.5 – 22:00.3] I was out, man. [22:00.3 – 22:02.9] I had no love of God, I had no love of my fellow man. [22:02.9 – 22:07.2] I was alone and I knew it, and I was gonna play the r- I was gonna ride it out just like that. [22:07.2 – 22:17.5] And, uh, some other guys finally came up and they put me in the back of a flatbed truck, truck with my mother, and I held my mother's hand, and we, we, we, they drove us to an aid station, tagged [22:17.5 – 22:20.0] her dead, tagged me dead, and they sat there smoking cigarettes. [22:20.0 – 22:23.8] And I was watching the fleas dan- dance in the afternoon light in the back of the truck. [22:23.8 – 22:25.7] I was watching these fleas dance, right? [22:25.7 – 22:32.0] And just thinking about, you know, what, what, what could it possibly be from here, you know? [22:32.0 – 22:37.1] And I didn't die, and they finally, they took me to Hospital Fátima in Los Mochis, Mexico. [22:37.1 – 22:45.4] And then they got my ID and they found out my name, which brought the Federales, and, and the Federales interrogated me through an interpreter for three and a half days. [22:45.4 – 22:46.4] Tortured me. [22:46.4 – 22:48.1] Wanted to know what I was doing back in Mexico. [22:48.1 – 22:49.8] I had a little issue with the Mexican government. [22:49.8 – 22:52.6] Nothing, nothing we need to discuss here. [22:52.6 – 22:55.0] Let's just say that they weren't thrilled to see me, right? [22:55.0 – 23:05.1] So I, uh, um, after, you know, enough of that, I called some guys I knew up in Northern California who brought, you know, chartered in a plane and paid a bunch of dudes off, and [23:05.1 – 23:11.4] plastered me from the neck down, and, uh, smuggled me out of Mexico into a hospital in Santa Monica, California. [23:11.4 – 23:14.5] And I was in there for quite a while, and I came out of there. [23:14.5 – 23:21.3] I had a cast still on one leg, had a cane, had a back brace, custom back brace they had made, metal rods in the back, cinched up. [23:21.3 – 23:26.0] I came out of that joint strung out on Demerol and out of my mind, man. [23:26.0 – 23:28.2] I had pictures in my head I knew I couldn't live with. [23:28.2 – 23:34.6] When they talk about in the book about, you know, blotting out the intolerable nature of your existence, boy did I identify with that. [23:34.6 – 23:36.9] And uh, and then those other three special words, man. [23:36.9 – 23:38.4] And then oblivion. [23:38.4 – 23:40.2] That was me, you know. [23:40.2 – 23:44.2] I sought oblivion, and I got loaded for six more years. [23:44.2 – 23:50.8] And the difference between getting loaded then and any other time in my life was… [23:50.8 – 23:53.1] I mean, I know what it's like to get loaded with anchors. [23:53.1 – 23:53.6] You know what I mean? [23:53.6 – 23:56.7] Where you're tethered to something other than yourself. [23:56.7 – 24:01.1] Where you've got a family, or you've got friends, or you got a career, or a wife, or kids. [24:01.1 – 24:05.9] You got something that, that kinda you think about that checks you on some level. [24:05.9 – 24:06.2] You know what I mean? [24:06.2 – 24:09.4] It's just like, eh, you know, I gotta, I gotta hold back. [24:09.4 – 24:09.7] I gotta… [24:09.7 – 24:10.1] You know what I mean? [24:10.1 – 24:11.0] I gotta rein it in a little bit. [24:11.0 – 24:12.5] At least you're trying, you know? [24:12.5 – 24:16.7] But that last run of six years for me, I had nothing, no- no anchors. [24:16.7 – 24:20.3] I was just loose, and I used like a lunatic, man. [24:20.3 – 24:23.3] And I got the war stories everybody's got, and I, you know… [24:23.3 – 24:27.3] And, and I came out of my last blackout, and I'd been, I'd had hundreds of them. [24:27.3 – 24:27.9] I woke… [24:27.9 – 24:32.3] I have come to in different cities, come to talking to people I've never met before in my life. [24:32.3 – 24:34.8] You know, I've come to in Ven- on Speedway in Venice. [24:34.8 – 24:36.4] I don't know if any of you know Venice, California. [24:36.4 – 24:44.7] But back in those days, man, in the late '70s, Speedway was, uh, at, at 3:00 PM, Speedway was rough. [24:44.7 – 24:49.8] 3:00 AM was out of the question, man. [24:49.8 – 24:53.5] And I'd come to 3:00 AM, four police officers standing there, you know? [24:53.5 – 24:55.5] Just bing. [24:55.5 – 24:58.6] Evening, officers. [24:58.6 – 25:01.0] What do you do? [25:01.0 – 25:02.4] You got two things you can do. [25:02.4 – 25:06.5] You can either keep your hands where everybody can see them and just nod in the affirmative. [25:06.5 – 25:07.1] Yep. [25:07.1 – 25:10.1] Whatever you just said, absolutely, right? [25:10.1 – 25:15.2] Or you can just say, “Excuse me, officers, but I just got here. [25:15.2 – 25:17.1] It's this little thing I do- … [25:17.1 – 25:19.6] where I'm here, I'm not here, I'm here, I'm not here.” You know? [25:19.6 – 25:22.3] And the next thing you're gonna hear is that little click noise, right? [25:22.3 – 25:23.5] And you're off to jail. [25:23.5 – 25:24.0] And I… [25:24.0 – 25:26.4] Just over and over and over again. [25:26.4 – 25:31.7] I came out of my last blackout in Venice, and um, I was 27 years old. [25:31.7 – 25:34.2] I was dying of alcoholism and drug addiction. [25:34.2 – 25:35.8] Thyroid shut down. [25:35.8 – 25:37.3] Heart swollen. [25:37.3 – 25:39.0] Sac around my heart was swollen. [25:39.0 – 25:41.4] Liver, kidneys just shot. [25:41.4 – 25:44.0] Um, I'd broken 74 bones. [25:44.0 – 25:45.8] I had over 650 stitches in me. [25:45.8 – 25:48.3] I'd been shot at, stabbed twice. [25:48.3 – 25:50.0] The violence had been insane. [25:50.0 – 25:51.0] My family was dead. [25:51.0 – 25:52.2] I had no place to live. [25:52.2 – 25:53.5] I had no friends. [25:53.5 – 25:58.5] Um, the cops were outside deciding whether or not to charge me with the attempted murder of David Luboff. [25:58.5 – 26:01.4] And I don't even remember being mad at the guy. [26:01.4 – 26:05.3] I mean, you know, you come and meet me, you know, you'll know immediately. [26:05.3 – 26:08.6] Man, I'm like one of the most peaceful guys you'll ever meet, sober. [26:08.6 – 26:10.9] You know? [26:10.9 – 26:11.3] But it's Dr. [26:11.3 – 26:11.9] Jekyll, Mr. [26:11.9 – 26:12.7] Hyde, man. [26:12.7 – 26:16.2] You get enough drugs and alcohol in me, it changes, you know? [26:16.2 – 26:30.7] I've been asked, I've been seriously asked the question, “Why did you start the riot?” My [26:30.7 – 26:37.8] honest answer was is, “That was not my intention.” I did not mean to do that. [26:41.2 – 26:42.9] I got out of that hospital and I used for six… [26:42.9 – 26:45.4] And then, then, you know, and that's what, that was the state of affairs in my life, man. [26:45.4 – 26:47.7] I mean, it was just, I'd burned my life to the ground. [26:47.7 – 26:53.1] And I had then what they call in here a moment of clarity, you know? [26:53.1 – 26:59.6] And none of that outside stuff was gonna stop me. [26:59.6 – 27:00.1] I didn't care. [27:00.1 – 27:02.3] I knew I was gonna die like this. [27:02.3 – 27:03.9] I'd accepted that fact. [27:03.9 – 27:09.6] I was never suicidal, but dying had become an acceptable consequence of the way I was living. [27:09.6 – 27:13.0] There's a slight difference. [27:13.0 – 27:15.4] Not much, but a slight one. [27:15.4 – 27:22.7] And my moment of clarity was that I wasn't connected to another human being on the face of the earth, and that was a direct result of my behavior. [27:22.7 – 27:27.8] And if I didn't wanna die like this, I was gonna have to find consciousness beyond that which I currently possessed. [27:27.8 – 27:31.1] In other words, my best thinking wasn't gonna get me out of this jam. [27:31.1 – 27:40.7] So I raised up two, both my hands were broken, I raised up my hands and I just said, “Please help me.” And there was somebody in there that knew what that meant, and they went… [27:40.7 – 27:50.7] They said it, and instead of throwing me in the cop car, they threw me in the ambulance, and they took me to U- UCLA emergency room, and they pumped my stomach, and they just said, “Get him out or he's gonna die.” And they took me to Olive View [27:50.7 – 27:54.4] Medical Center, and, uh, I stayed, I was there three, five days, I don't know. [27:54.4 – 27:57.1] But I remember s- they took me to this room and I'm kicking. [27:57.1 – 27:58.8] Oh, Jesus, man, I was kicking. [27:58.8 – 28:08.8] And this, uh, there was my room- my roommate, my bunk mate this dude was this long guy, really long [28:08.8 – 28:09.4] guy. [28:09.4 – 28:13.5] Was, like, laying up against, facing the wall on his bunk, right? [28:13.5 – 28:17.5] His back to me, and he had all really long, greasy hair, right? [28:17.5 – 28:19.5] And I just thought, “Whoa,” right? [28:19.5 – 28:22.8] And the guy rolls over and sits up, right? [28:22.8 – 28:28.1] And he looked like, like a dead disciple, you know what I mean? [28:28.1 – 28:33.5] And I was like, I was like, “Wow. [28:33.5 – 28:39.7] That's a old junkie.” “That's rare, man,” you know what I mean? [28:39.7 – 28:42.1] “That's like finding a unicorn,” you know what I mean? [28:42.1 – 28:44.2] It's like, this old junkie, right? [28:44.2 – 28:54.2] And he looks at me, and I mean, we've known each other maybe 15, 20 seconds, and he looks at me and he goes, “Brother, you don't look too good.” I was [28:54.2 – 28:57.4] like, “Oh, my God.” “This is… [28:57.4 – 29:02.1] No, you're the one that doesn't look good.” “I'm, I'm all right, you know. [29:02.1 – 29:06.2] Just having a bad week here.” You know? [29:06.2 – 29:07.3] But I couldn't even get it out. [29:07.3 – 29:08.7] It was just such crap, right? [29:08.7 – 29:18.7] So I just kept getting sicker, and they got an ambulance, and they took me down to this place called Long Beach General Hospital, and it was, the detox was 21 cots on each side of a room, it was a big room, and it was [29:18.7 – 29:20.5] 42 cots in one room, right? [29:20.5 – 29:22.0] With sheets drawn between the cots. [29:22.0 – 29:25.4] And how you kicked is called riding the cot, right? [29:25.4 – 29:29.3] So you just got in the cot and grabbed those wood slat rails, man, and you just hung on. [29:29.3 – 29:31.8] I bucked up out of there twice, through two seizures. [29:31.8 – 29:38.3] They wheel you into the hospital, shoot you full of anticonvulsants, get you down to about 175 over 90, you know, they go, “He's okay. [29:38.3 – 29:43.3] Take him…” “Bring him back in, throw you back in the cot.” And you just, “Thank you.” You know, you just… [29:43.3 – 29:46.0] I was in there for 47 days. [29:46.0 – 29:50.5] And when I left, Ray W., who was my counselor, right? [29:50.5 – 29:52.3] The counseling was like, “How you doing? [29:52.3 – 29:52.7] All right? [29:52.7 – 29:53.1] Good. [29:53.1 – 29:53.7] Right. [29:53.7 – 29:55.0] Next.” Right? [29:55.0 – 29:55.4] That was it. [29:55.4 – 29:56.7] That was it, right? [29:56.7 – 30:00.9] And Ray said, “If you don't wanna die, you better go to Alcoholics Anonymous. [30:00.9 – 30:03.5] It's the only place a guy like you's got a shot,” right? [30:03.5 – 30:06.4] And there was no HA, there was no CA. [30:06.4 – 30:16.6] NA had been around for a while, but they said, you know, “Go to AA or die, man.” I was like, “Okay.” But I mean, if you think about the, the horror of my life for the last six or seven [30:16.6 – 30:17.1] years, right? [30:17.1 – 30:23.4] And this guy says, “You know, the answers you're looking for, they're in Alcoholics Anonymous. [30:23.4 – 30:32.2] Go there.” You'd think that I would be like, “Finally, somebody told me where to go to do something about this.” My reaction was, “Really?” “Really? [30:32.2 – 30:42.2] It's come to this, has it?” “Gotta go to the ANA, huh?” “That is dark, brother.” Uh, you [30:42.2 – 30:42.3] know? [30:42.3 – 30:48.7] That's that place, I mean, those people are very serious about the no drinking and using thing, you know what I mean? [30:48.7 – 30:52.3] Very serious about it, you know? [30:52.3 – 30:53.4] And I know what it's like. [30:53.4 – 30:54.3] I know what it's like. [30:54.3 – 30:56.2] Never been there- … [30:56.2 – 30:57.4] but I know what it's like. [30:57.4 – 31:01.7] I mean, that contempt prior to investigation thing, I think that's funny, man. [31:01.7 – 31:03.9] I got contempt during investigation. [31:03.9 – 31:07.8] And I went. [31:07.8 – 31:09.3] I just said, “Okay.” You know? [31:09.3 – 31:10.3] No plan B, huh? [31:10.3 – 31:10.7] Nope. [31:10.7 – 31:11.0] All right. [31:11.0 – 31:15.8] So I ended up in the basement of a church on a Friday night, and a guy got up and he shared his experience, strength, and hope. [31:15.8 – 31:18.0] And I didn't know that's what he was doing. [31:18.0 – 31:19.4] I was just listening to a guy talk. [31:19.4 – 31:24.5] And I could barely hang on to a whole sentence before it just, poof, gone. [31:24.5 – 31:28.4] 'Cause there was just so much crazy chatter in my head, right? [31:28.4 – 31:31.2] And I, I mean, I'd sit in a meeting and I'd just go, “Okay, okay, okay, okay. [31:31.2 – 31:34.1] Mm, mm, mm, mm.” And I had my newcomer mantra down. [31:34.1 – 31:42.4] “How you doing?” “Fine.” “How you doing?” “Fine.” Just, uh, mm. [31:42.4 – 31:45.3] Just don't come up on me, right? [31:45.3 – 31:46.6] And all the old-timers were cool. [31:46.6 – 31:49.0] All the old-timers saw me and they were like, “How you doing there, man? [31:49.0 – 31:50.0] Get yourself a cup of coffee. [31:50.0 – 31:57.8] There's a seat for you right over there, and good luck with all that you got going on right there.” That's- “We're gonna love watching how that turns out,” right? [31:57.8 – 32:00.2] That worked for me- [32:00.4 – 32:00.5] Hey. [32:00.5 – 32:05.2] I was just standing in the back of the room, the guy got up, you know, and it's like the guy got up, and he's talking, he's talking, he's talking, he's down. [32:05.2 – 32:06.1] Another guy got up. [32:06.1 – 32:08.3] He was reading, he's reading, uh, he rarely saw something. [32:08.3 – 32:10.4] He rarely saw something, and there were 12 things. [32:10.4 – 32:11.2] There were 12 things. [32:11.2 – 32:12.0] I got 12 things. [32:12.0 – 32:13.6] 12 things, ABC, 12 things. [32:13.6 – 32:14.0] He's down. [32:14.0 – 32:14.4] He's gone. [32:14.4 – 32:18.5] And then another guy, he's got up, and he's saying, “I drank like that, I drank like that, I drank like that. [32:18.5 – 32:20.2] I don't, uh, I got none of that going on. [32:20.2 – 32:21.6] None of that's going on.” All right, he's gone. [32:21.6 – 32:22.6] I didn't get a lot of that. [32:22.6 – 32:24.6] All right, they're passing a basket, passing a basket. [32:24.6 – 32:25.2] Don't take the money. [32:25.2 – 32:25.9] Don't take the money. [32:25.9 – 32:30.6] And we're up. [32:30.6 – 32:31.4] We're going outside. [32:31.4 – 32:32.0] What, is it over? [32:32.0 – 32:32.4] Are we leaving? [32:32.4 – 32:32.9] No, we're smoking. [32:32.9 – 32:33.6] All right, I smoke. [32:33.6 – 32:33.8] Fine. [32:33.8 – 32:34.2] We'll smoke. [32:34.2 – 32:35.4] We're smoking, we're smoking, we're smoking. [32:35.4 – 32:36.7] They're ringing a bell, ringing a bell. [32:36.7 – 32:37.4] Going back, going back. [32:37.4 – 32:38.4] Gotta find my seat, gotta find my seat. [32:38.4 – 32:41.4] I go, “Fine, fine!” Sit in the seat. [32:41.4 – 32:42.7] Guy got up, he's reading 12 more things. [32:42.7 – 32:43.9] 24 things, ABC. [32:43.9 – 32:45.2] 24 things, ABC. [32:45.2 – 32:47.0] All right, I got it, I got it, I got it. [32:47.0 – 32:47.4] Guy got up. [32:47.4 – 32:48.9] I dr- I, yeah, I drink like that. [32:48.9 – 32:49.5] I use like that. [32:49.5 – 32:50.3] He, guy used, too. [32:50.3 – 32:50.8] He used. [32:50.8 – 32:52.3] Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [32:52.3 – 32:54.0] I like this guy, I like this guy. [32:54.0 – 32:57.4] And he's like, I, you know, uh, and his, and his life's better. [32:57.4 – 32:58.1] His life's better. [32:58.1 – 32:60.0] I, that's bizarre, right? [32:60.0 – 33:01.2] But I love that guy. [33:01.2 – 33:01.5] I'm gonna… [33:01.5 – 33:03.5] And I left the meeting thinking… [33:03.5 – 33:04.8] And that was me going to meetings. [33:04.8 – 33:08.0] I mean, I just baffled by what's going on, right? [33:08.0 – 33:14.4] And I w- and I drove home thinking, “I gotta hear that guy again,” 'cause I'm sure there was some great stuff in there. [33:14.4 – 33:15.8] Kind of missed it. [33:15.8 – 33:17.2] But- … [33:17.2 – 33:17.8] I could feel it. [33:17.8 – 33:18.3] You know what I mean? [33:18.3 – 33:18.9] I felt that. [33:18.9 – 33:19.8] Felt the thing, right? [33:19.8 – 33:20.5] I felt the thing. [33:20.5 – 33:22.3] I don't know what I felt, but I felt something. [33:22.3 – 33:24.6] For me, I felt something. [33:24.6 – 33:26.5] You understand what I'm saying? [33:26.5 – 33:30.4] I was a dead man walking, and I felt something. [33:30.4 – 33:32.9] That guy got to me. [33:32.9 – 33:34.5] I don't even remember his name. [33:34.5 – 33:38.1] I didn't remember his name five minutes after I got in my car. [33:38.1 – 33:40.2] But I knew I was going back. [33:40.2 – 33:41.3] This is how much I knew. [33:41.3 – 33:46.9] I was going back there the next Friday night to hear that guy talk some more, 'cause I thought that was where that guy talked. [33:46.9 – 33:48.1] You know? [33:48.1 – 33:49.3] Right. [33:49.3 – 33:50.9] So I went back the next week, you know. [33:50.9 – 33:54.5] It was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, AB, you know, rarely s- rare, fine. [33:54.5 – 33:55.7] Rarely, right, fine. [33:55.7 – 33:57.4] I know, I got, I got this. [33:57.4 – 33:58.6] 24 ABC. [33:58.6 – 33:59.1] I got it. [33:59.1 – 33:59.5] Right? [33:59.5 – 34:07.9] And then they went through all the other stuff, and then they said, “And our speaker tonight's Betty.” Betty? [34:07.9 – 34:10.5] Time out, man. [34:10.5 – 34:20.6] I looked at the guy next to me and I said, “Where the hell's the guy?” And he looks at me and he goes, “You're new here, aren't you?” And I go, “Yeah, I don't believe now's the time to be bringing that up.” I [34:20.6 – 34:21.8] wanna know where the guy is. [34:21.8 – 34:24.9] I mean, I was getting a little bent here, right? [34:24.9 – 34:26.9] The guy's like, “Just breathe, dude. [34:26.9 – 34:27.8] Take it easy. [34:27.8 – 34:31.1] We have all kind of different meetings, and we got, we have men come and then women. [34:31.1 – 34:32.4] It's a different speaker every week. [34:32.4 – 34:34.1] And then we, you know, we got other meetings we go to. [34:34.1 – 34:35.4] We got a men's stag, a women's stag. [34:35.4 – 34:38.0] We got a participation meeting.” My head's ready to explode. [34:38.0 – 34:44.4] I'm like, “Okay, you can shut up now.” All the while, this, like, 75-year-old woman, Betty's, like, working her way to the podium, man. [34:44.4 – 34:46.7] Betty's on, Betty's on the move, man. [34:46.7 – 34:47.8] Betty's on the move. [34:47.8 – 34:50.7] Betty's got her little summer dress on, her little hair helmet going. [34:50.7 – 34:51.1] You know what I mean? [34:51.1 – 34:52.9] She's moving. [34:52.9 – 34:54.9] She gets out, and I'm like, “Oh, Jesus. [34:54.9 – 34:57.1] How am I gonna get this hour of my life back?” Right? [34:57.1 – 34:58.9] Betty gets up there and goes, “I'm Betty. [34:58.9 – 35:00.9] I'm an alcoholic.” Hi, Betty. [35:00.9 – 35:02.1] Ugh. [35:02.1 – 35:04.7] Betty starts talking. [35:04.7 – 35:14.8] About two, three minutes in, Betty goes, “You know, uh, if you were a woman drinking in my day, if you were reasonably good-looking, you could walk into a bar with 50 cents and drink for two [35:14.8 – 35:18.0] weeks,” and then broke down how you go about doing that, right? [35:18.0 – 35:26.1] When she was done talking, I looked at the guy next to me and I said, “You know, Betty is a badass.” I would soul roll with Betty. [35:26.1 – 35:30.0] And I, and I leave this meeting, I'm, like, really perplexed now. [35:30.0 – 35:32.9] It's like I'm identifying with a 75-year-old woman. [35:32.9 – 35:34.2] What the hell is going on here, right? [35:34.2 – 35:37.0] And, uh, now who's gonna be there next week? [35:37.0 – 35:38.9] Some guy Raul's gonna speak next week? [35:38.9 – 35:39.8] What the hell's going on? [35:39.8 – 35:40.3] Right. [35:40.3 – 35:43.7] Sure enough, went there the next week, some other guy talking about some other thing. [35:43.7 – 35:45.9] But it was this, there was this thread. [35:45.9 – 35:50.1] There was this thread that every time I went, and then they said go to more, so I started going to more meetings. [35:50.1 – 35:51.0] I was going to meetings every day. [35:51.0 – 35:52.3] I was going sometimes two a day. [35:52.3 – 35:54.9] And every time I left, I was going, there's that thread. [35:54.9 – 35:57.3] There's that thing that I can't put my finger on. [35:57.3 – 36:04.5] But every time I, I find myself saying quietly in my head, “I felt like that. [36:04.5 – 36:13.7] I felt just like that.” Every one of them, every one of them gets up, and I have that same experience. [36:13.7 – 36:16.5] Something's going on here. [36:16.5 – 36:19.4] So I started to ask around. [36:19.4 – 36:27.8] I said, “You know, I'm going to a, a meeting a day, so just, you know, relax.” “But what else you got? [36:27.8 – 36:28.5] You know? [36:28.5 – 36:33.9] Is there other stuff I could be doing?” This guy, like, I asked the wrong guy, 'cause this guy's face lit up. [36:33.9 – 36:36.1] And he was just, just like, “Other stuff? [36:36.1 – 36:45.4] Dude, let's get a cup of coffee and have a talk.” I'm like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” “How about we just stand right here, you give me 15 seconds worth, and I'm, and I bounce. [36:45.4 – 36:47.6] How about that?” He's like, “All right. [36:47.6 – 36:48.2] Let's just start. [36:48.2 – 36:50.0] You need to get a sponsor.” Great. [36:50.0 – 36:51.0] What, what's that? [36:51.0 – 36:53.1] What, you mean like Toyota? [36:53.1 – 36:54.4] What am I s- what are, what are we doing here? [36:54.4 – 36:55.8] You know? [36:55.8 – 36:57.2] What's a sponsor? [36:57.2 – 36:58.5] I know nothing, right? [36:58.5 – 36:59.5] And the guy goes, “Sponsor. [36:59.5 – 37:09.6] No, that's, you want a sponsor who's got, you know, what you, you got what you want.” And I said, “Well, I would like to drink.” Maybe it's [37:09.6 – 37:12.1] a little early to be throwing the ball back in my court, man. [37:12.1 – 37:15.4] And I've since come to believe I don't want a sponsor who's got what I want. [37:15.4 – 37:17.1] I want a sponsor who's got what he wants. [37:17.1 – 37:20.1] That's the best definition of happiness I've ever heard, wanting what you- [37:20.4 – 37:21.4] have, right? [37:21.4 – 37:26.3] So I started going to meetings and I said, “Got my eye out for this guy I'm supposed to listen to,” right? [37:26.3 – 37:31.5] And I go to this meeting and there, there's this guy comes in, and I mean, this guy was different. [37:31.5 – 37:37.3] The, and the dudes I was hanging out with were a little surprised that I responded so much to this guy. [37:37.3 – 37:40.7] But I'd already gotten it, that there was some kind of inside thing happening. [37:40.7 – 37:42.2] It's like, screw this outside stuff. [37:42.2 – 37:44.5] They told me to get a guy, so I'll get a guy, you know? [37:44.5 – 37:46.9] But that's, that- that's the only rule, right? [37:46.9 – 37:48.2] Don't get a woman, get a guy. [37:48.2 – 37:49.1] So I'll get a guy, right? [37:49.1 – 37:53.7] So I'm in a meeting and this guy just like flies into the meeting, man. [37:53.7 – 37:54.8] This guy was like… [37:54.8 – 38:05.1] My original sponsor, the late, great Donald Madden, was the kind of guy that when he walked into a room, if he, a room this size, if he walked through that door right now, everybody would look over and go, “Hey, who's the well-dressed [38:05.1 – 38:07.1] gay guy over there?” Right? [38:07.1 – 38:10.5] I mean, it was just, he'd walk in the room and just, “Oh, hello to you.” You know what I mean? [38:10.5 – 38:11.5] He was just… [38:11.5 – 38:13.1] Right? [38:13.1 – 38:17.5] You know, I'm hopelessly heterosexual and I'm hanging out with these young thugs, you know what I mean? [38:17.5 – 38:20.4] We're just, you know, being idiots, you know, in the back of the room. [38:20.4 – 38:29.7] And he comes flying in and he's the speaker that night and he got up and it was the bravest, most profound share I'd ever heard in my life. [38:29.7 – 38:31.6] This guy was fearless, man. [38:31.6 – 38:33.9] He didn't ge- care what anybody thought about him. [38:33.9 – 38:42.1] He loved Alcoholics Anonymous and he wasn't afraid to tell you about that and what it had done for him in his life, and if you wanted what he had, you're gonna have to do what he did to get it. [38:42.1 – 38:51.6] And I went, “That guy.” And my the dudes I was hanging with were like, “Seriously?” I said, “Yeah, I want what that guy's got. [38:51.6 – 38:53.6] That guy is fearless. [38:53.6 – 39:03.6] That guy feels s- so strongly about this, and I, I don't feel strongly about anything, and I wanna feel strongly about this, and he does, and I'm gonna ask that guy to sponsor me.” They were [39:03.6 – 39:04.9] like, “Cool,” right? [39:04.9 – 39:13.0] So I went up to him and I said, “Listen, man, would you sponsor me?” He said, “Yes.” “And you don't have to like what I tell you, and you don't have to think it's a good idea. [39:13.0 – 39:18.0] You just have to do it.” And I was like, “All right, I can work around that,” right? [39:18.0 – 39:20.5] Little did I know there ain't no working around this guy, man. [39:20.5 – 39:22.0] He saw me coming a mile away. [39:22.0 – 39:22.9] He walked away. [39:22.9 – 39:26.5] He told me later he walked away thinking, “Oh, this is gonna be beautiful,” right? [39:26.5 – 39:29.1] “This guy's nuts,” right? [39:29.1 – 39:36.9] So I, I called him every day for almost 14 years up until the day he died, and I did everything that man told me to do, and he saved my life. [39:36.9 – 39:39.2] He was Alcoholics Anonymous to me. [39:39.2 – 39:43.7] He was the guy that did things that just baffled me, man. [39:43.7 – 39:48.0] I w- I got, I went homicidal at one point, like legit homicidal. [39:48.0 – 39:50.2] And I was walking into Saturday night Ohio Street. [39:50.2 – 39:51.8] He was the secretary and we had commitments. [39:51.8 – 39:52.7] I was the cleanup guy. [39:52.7 – 39:56.5] And I'm walking into the, and it's like well after 6:00. [39:56.5 – 39:59.2] Meeting starts at 8:30, right? [39:59.2 – 40:01.3] My commitment starts about 10:15, 10:20. [40:01.3 – 40:04.7] And I'm al- I'm so jacked up sitting in my car. [40:04.7 – 40:05.6] I've got it all figured out. [40:05.6 – 40:12.8] I'm gonna walk in the back through the kitchen, and the first guy that says, you know, “What are you doing here?” gives me any attitude at all, I'm gonna kill him. [40:12.8 – 40:14.9] It's on, right? [40:14.9 – 40:16.3] I'm crazy. [40:16.3 – 40:20.3] And I go walking in the back, right? [40:20.3 – 40:24.6] Fists balled up, eyes just bouncing around in my head, you know. [40:24.6 – 40:26.8] Crazy. [40:26.8 – 40:36.9] And he saw me, and he runs up to the podium and he goes, “Earl” And he, uh, you know, he just kinda like shocked me out [40:36.9 – 40:37.0] of it. [40:37.0 – 40:38.4] And he looked at me and he said, it's… [40:38.4 – 40:39.3] I'll never forget it, man. [40:39.3 – 40:45.4] He said, “It's 6:22 and you're late.” See what he did? [40:45.4 – 40:51.8] And I just stood there, and tears started just rolling down my face, and I just looked at him like, “How, how do you know me like that? [40:51.8 – 40:52.5] How do you know? [40:52.5 – 40:54.3] How do you know what to do? [40:54.3 – 40:59.8] How do you know how to take better care of me than I know how to take care of me? [40:59.8 – 41:00.5] How do you… [41:00.5 – 41:04.9] And, and how come you care enough to know that about me, you know? [41:04.9 – 41:08.0] You've taken the time to, to, to know me like that? [41:08.0 – 41:15.6] I don't, I don't understand.” 'Cause I didn't understand what it was like to be loved by somebody, and he loved me, you know? [41:15.6 – 41:25.6] And what he did was he saw that look, and he knew what it was, and he ran over there and he jumped up at that mic and he announced, not to me, but to everybody else in that room, that I [41:25.6 – 41:32.5] was there because he had requested that I be there, and that I was probably supposed to have been there at 6:15, and I was 6:22 and it was late. [41:32.5 – 41:33.9] So nobody came up and said a word to me. [41:33.9 – 41:38.2] He saved me from myself, just in a s- in a split second. [41:38.2 – 41:42.4] And I can t- I could sit here till dawn telling you stories about how that man did that stuff for me. [41:42.4 – 41:47.9] And you should feel the way about your sponsor the way I felt about him, right? [41:47.9 – 41:50.4] That you got the best sponsor that ever lived, right? [41:50.4 – 41:54.4] I mean, and, and, and if you don't feel that way, it's 'cause you're not getting up next to it. [41:54.4 – 41:55.4] You're not getting close to it. [41:55.4 – 41:57.5] You gotta get in, up in there. [41:57.5 – 41:59.9] You gotta make that relationship live. [41:59.9 – 42:02.3] It ain't your sponsor's job to chase you around. [42:02.3 – 42:05.7] It's your job to chase him around or her around, whatever you got going on, right? [42:05.7 – 42:07.5] And I chased that man, man. [42:07.5 – 42:08.0] It's like we're… [42:08.0 – 42:10.0] And he would call me up in the m- in the morning. [42:10.0 – 42:12.2] I'd get like an hour sleep and at 7:00… [42:12.2 – 42:16.7] I had the, they had answering machines in those days, you know, like the little answering machines and a phone. [42:16.7 – 42:18.5] You could set it up so you never hear the phone ring. [42:18.5 – 42:20.9] You'd just hear beep and then somebody'd be talking, right? [42:20.9 – 42:26.0] So I'm like passed out at like Sunday morning, 7:00 AM, right? [42:26.0 – 42:28.4] And all of a sudden I'd hear, “Beep. [42:28.4 – 42:34.0] Wake up.” “We're having a day, baby.” Click, right? [42:34.0 – 42:40.3] And I'd be like gone from sleeping to standing and just thinking, “Jesus, these people are everywhere, man.” [42:40.5 – 42:43.2] They just, they just get out in everything, right? [42:43.2 – 42:50.8] And all of a sudden, seven to nine meetings a week, doing this, doing that, he'd introduced me to the guy that would become my original friend in AA, Christopher, right? [42:50.8 – 42:52.2] Just talked to Christopher on the phone today. [42:52.2 – 42:56.3] Christopher, uh, March celebrated, uh, 38 years. [42:56.3 – 42:56.5] Woo-hoo. [42:56.5 – 43:08.1] And, um, Christopher comes up to me and he goes, “You know, they got a book.” I go, “You know, I've heard of this.” He [43:08.1 – 43:08.8] goes, “We should, uh… [43:08.8 – 43:11.2] There's these guys, Joe and Charlie, The Big Book Comes Alive. [43:11.2 – 43:17.5] We should maybe listen to these tapes and, like, they'll guide us through this book, and we'll check it out.” I went, “Hey, you know, if you think it's necessary, let's, let's give it a shot,” right? [43:17.5 – 43:19.9] And I wish I had a videotape of that. [43:19.9 – 43:30.3] These two knuckleheads sitting in a room, and we're looking at the book, and we're reading along, and I mean, like, every five minutes, one of us would go, “Hey, you know that thing they say in the meetings? [43:30.3 – 43:39.1] Here it is right here.” “And they kinda go on and explain a little bit about it, too.” And he goes, “I know. [43:39.1 – 43:40.6] It's crazy, right?” And he goes, “I know. [43:40.6 – 43:41.9] Let's keep going,” you know? [43:41.9 – 43:48.9] Five minutes later, Christopher would go, “Dude, are you, are you on page, uh, 25?” “Yeah.” “Could you see that?” “Yeah, I see that. [43:48.9 – 43:56.5] They italicized it, man.” I mean, it was like we were just, like, shocked to discover this, and this is what I found in here. [43:56.5 – 43:59.9] It, it has this, this circle with a triangle in the middle of it, right? [43:59.9 – 44:01.2] Ancient spiritual symbol. [44:01.2 – 44:04.5] Stands for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being. [44:04.5 – 44:08.8] And therein lies the balance I've sought my whole life, and I've never had drunk or sober, right? [44:08.8 – 44:19.0] AA, the original, right, adopted that symbol, and they, they just use different words, but it's the same thing: unity, service, and recovery. [44:19.0 – 44:20.0] Unity is the body. [44:20.0 – 44:20.9] I bring it here. [44:20.9 – 44:23.0] I can't get sober, but we seem to be able to. [44:23.0 – 44:27.5] Recovery is of the mind, right, the greater aspect of my disease. [44:27.5 – 44:29.7] 'Cause, see, this ain't about stopping using for me. [44:29.7 – 44:31.4] This is about how do I stay stopped. [44:31.4 – 44:38.8] That's the only way I can build a life is if I stay stopped, and the only way I'm gonna stay stopped is if I can get comfortable clean and sober. [44:38.8 – 44:39.8] And if I can't… [44:39.8 – 44:43.1] And the only way I've ever known to get comfortable clean and sober is work the 12 steps. [44:43.1 – 44:47.0] They relieve me of the obsession of the mind, the greater aspect of my illness, right? [44:47.0 – 44:49.2] The obsession of the mind and the allergy of the body. [44:49.2 – 44:55.3] Look, if it was about the allergy of the body, if it was about kicking and being free, man, detox centers would be kicking out winners. [44:55.3 – 44:56.7] 72 hours and free. [44:56.7 – 44:58.5] How you doing? [44:58.5 – 44:59.0] Cool. [44:59.0 – 45:01.1] How was detox? [45:01.1 – 45:01.6] Awesome. [45:01.6 – 45:04.4] What are you doing? [45:04.4 – 45:05.5] Not drinking and using, man. [45:05.5 – 45:06.4] It's great. [45:06.4 – 45:07.0] How you doing it? [45:07.0 – 45:08.2] I have no idea. [45:08.2 – 45:10.3] Doesn't work. [45:10.3 – 45:12.5] If it worked, I'd have done that. [45:12.5 – 45:17.4] Believe me, I wouldn't, I wouldn't have done a thing more than what's absolutely necessary. [45:17.4 – 45:20.1] Not wired to do anything else, right? [45:20.1 – 45:22.9] But it's us. [45:22.9 – 45:24.5] I gotta be with my people, man. [45:24.5 – 45:25.3] So unity is the body. [45:25.3 – 45:25.8] I bring it here. [45:25.8 – 45:26.5] Recovery is of the mind. [45:26.5 – 45:27.6] I work the 12 steps. [45:27.6 – 45:28.7] The steps are pretty simple, man. [45:28.7 – 45:30.0] Step one is what's the problem. [45:30.0 – 45:31.6] Lack of power is my dilemma. [45:31.6 – 45:35.7] I may be doing well in a, a lot of other area, areas. [45:35.7 – 45:37.5] I wasn't, but it's possible. [45:37.5 – 45:44.9] Some of you might be doing very well in other areas, but when it comes to the question of drinking and using, I'm off the rails, man, and that's my problem, lack of power. [45:44.9 – 45:45.6] What's my solution? [45:45.6 – 45:46.1] Step two. [45:46.1 – 45:52.5] That a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink and use. [45:52.5 – 45:53.7] Sounds like a good deal. [45:53.7 – 45:56.5] Step three says, knowing this, you better, better do something about it. [45:56.5 – 45:57.7] Make a decision. [45:57.7 – 45:59.2] Okay. [45:59.2 – 46:00.1] What decision should I make? [46:00.1 – 46:04.5] Why don't you get down on your knees and turn your will and your life over to the care of a god you may or may not understand? [46:04.5 – 46:05.9] Okay. [46:05.9 – 46:09.3] I'm glad you put it that way, 'cause not clear on that part. [46:09.3 – 46:11.3] Don't sweat it. [46:11.3 – 46:12.1] Just get in the game. [46:12.1 – 46:13.6] Get down there and do it. [46:13.6 – 46:14.0] Stand up. [46:14.0 – 46:14.8] We got work to do. [46:14.8 – 46:15.3] Fine. [46:15.3 – 46:16.4] Down, up. [46:16.4 – 46:17.8] Notice I haven't even left the house, man. [46:17.8 – 46:18.6] I'm sitting on the couch. [46:18.6 – 46:19.0] Step one. [46:19.0 – 46:20.5] Yep, that's the problem all right. [46:20.5 – 46:22.5] Yep, that's probably gonna be the solution. [46:22.5 – 46:23.5] I've tried everything else. [46:23.5 – 46:24.0] Step three. [46:24.0 – 46:24.9] Help. [46:24.9 – 46:25.6] Back up. [46:25.6 – 46:26.1] All right. [46:26.1 – 46:28.2] What do we do now? [46:28.2 – 46:29.2] Action plan. [46:29.2 – 46:30.1] Four and five, me. [46:30.1 – 46:31.0] Six and seven, God. [46:31.0 – 46:31.7] Eight and nine, you. [46:31.7 – 46:32.5] That's the whole team. [46:32.5 – 46:33.6] Nobody else to play with. [46:33.6 – 46:35.4] That's everybody, man. [46:35.4 – 46:41.5] Four and five, I swallow large chunks of truth about myself and, and I admit these things before God to another human being. [46:41.5 – 46:46.0] Guy comes in the house, I read him the inventory, he says, “Good luck with all that,” and he leaves, right? [46:46.0 – 46:53.5] Six and seven, I hook it back up with God, asking God to remove the defects of character, 'cause I'll remove the wrong stuff. [46:53.5 – 47:00.9] Eight and nine, I make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so, you know, I make the list and I make the direct amends, right? [47:00.9 – 47:03.9] Very, very sorry I spoke to you disrespectfully. [47:03.9 – 47:05.2] I shouldn't have spoken to you that way. [47:05.2 – 47:06.0] I had no right to do that. [47:06.0 – 47:06.8] I apologize. [47:06.8 – 47:07.6] I'm very sorry. [47:07.6 – 47:13.0] And to make amends means to change, so I'm gonna make every effort not to speak to anybody like that again. [47:13.0 – 47:14.8] And I s- And I stole your car. [47:14.8 – 47:15.8] Uh, it was me. [47:15.8 – 47:19.4] And I'm really sorry I did that, man. [47:19.4 – 47:23.7] I estimate the value of the car at 45,000 at the time of the theft, right? [47:23.7 – 47:27.7] So I'm gonna give you a check in this amount at whatever rate of interest you say is appropriate. [47:27.7 – 47:31.2] I'm gonna give you this every month until I've paid you back this dough. [47:31.2 – 47:35.8] And amends means to change, so I'm not gonna go steal her car and sell it to pay for the car I stole from you. [47:35.8 – 47:38.3] I'm, I'm out of the thieving game, right? [47:38.3 – 47:40.7] Hooking it back up. [47:40.7 – 47:45.8] And what I'm doing is, think about it, man, four through nine, I'm being given an opportunity to reboot the whole show. [47:45.8 – 47:48.3] I get a clean slate. [47:48.3 – 47:49.4] Who gets that? [47:49.4 – 47:57.4] P-part- in particular, who that has behaved like me gets an opportunity like that? [47:57.4 – 47:58.6] Uh-uh. [47:58.6 – 48:00.2] Ain't, just ain't happening. [48:01.1 – 48:05.1] I thought, man, th- there's a shoe gonna drop soon somewhere in this thing, right? [48:05.1 – 48:08.9] 'Cause this is way past anything fair. [48:08.9 – 48:12.3] I'm so past fair at this point, it's crazy, right? [48:12.3 – 48:14.9] Eight, n- uh, 10, 11, and 12 keep me in the game. [48:14.9 – 48:16.3] 10, me, 11, God, 12, you. [48:16.3 – 48:20.4] 10, I continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong, promptly admit it. [48:20.4 – 48:20.6] Right? [48:20.6 – 48:22.4] Notice the order of these things. [48:22.4 – 48:25.2] 11, I seek God before. [48:25.2 – 48:26.0] How? [48:26.0 – 48:28.8] Through prayer and meditation, right? [48:28.8 – 48:33.6] His will and knowledge of how to carry that out, that's what I'm looking for. [48:33.6 – 48:36.2] 12, side o- 12, side of the triangle. [48:36.2 – 48:37.2] Third, spiritual. [48:37.2 – 48:38.3] Right? [48:38.3 – 48:44.1] Having had a spiritual awakening is the result, it was the whole point, to be relieved of the obsession of the mind. [48:44.1 – 48:44.8] To be free. [48:44.8 – 48:50.0] Walking the Earth a free man, no longer enslaved by alcohol or drugs for the first time since I'm 12 years old. [48:50.0 – 48:53.2] I can practice the principles and carry the message. [48:53.2 – 48:53.9] How can I help? [48:53.9 – 49:00.6] So I'm five years sober, I'm all lit up, going to meetings, taking out panels, doing all this stuff, right? [49:00.6 – 49:04.0] Sponsoring guys who don't know any better to ask me, right? [49:04.0 – 49:08.8] When they call, Donald's getting, become known as the sponsor to the damned. [49:08.8 – 49:10.0] Right? [49:10.0 – 49:11.2] Now that's what they call on me. [49:11.2 – 49:13.5] When he passed they said, “You're it now.” Right? [49:13.5 – 49:15.5] And boy, is it true. [49:15.5 – 49:23.6] And I said I heard about a conference, the South Bay Roundup, and I said, “Can I go to that?” And he goes, “Yep.” Click. [49:23.6 – 49:30.6] I said, “Okay, I'll go.” I went down to this conference and I walked, paid my little thing, and I walked in back of the room. [49:30.6 – 49:32.8] Still real shut off, man. [49:32.8 – 49:36.5] I was five years clean and sober and I was still pretty, pretty s- isolated guy. [49:36.5 – 49:44.5] I mean, I was having relationships and, you know, a job turned into a career, and I had a lot going on, but I was still a pretty shut down, isolated guy. [49:44.5 – 49:52.9] I'm standing in the back of the room and stunned, 'cause there's 2,500 people sitting in a room quietly listening to one guy talk. [49:52.9 – 49:59.7] And I thought, “Who the hell is that guy, man?” 2,500 people to pick from and, and they got that, that old dog up there talking. [49:59.7 – 50:00.5] Who's that guy? [50:00.5 – 50:02.1] Turned out his name was Franklin W. [50:02.1 – 50:03.5] from Olive Branch, Mississippi. [50:03.5 – 50:07.8] And about five minutes in, Franklin said, “You know, I'll s- I'll sum it all up for you in six words. [50:07.8 – 50:12.4] Trust God, clean house, help others.” And I had a spiritual experience standing in the back of the meeting. [50:12.4 – 50:13.8] Just started crying like a baby. [50:13.8 – 50:17.2] I mean, like, lip sucking crying, you know what I mean? [50:17.2 – 50:20.0] Do- doing that You know what I mean? [50:20.0 – 50:21.3] Standing there, just standing there. [50:21.3 – 50:25.0] And like five guys sitting in the back row looked over and went, “Look, he got one. [50:25.0 – 50:35.1] Look at that guy.” “You guys, nailed him.” And I'm like, “Yeah, yeah, he got me.” Go home and tell Donald, you know, “Hey, we gotta trust God, clean house, help, help others.” He's like, “Yeah, [50:35.1 – 50:35.7] yeah, I know all about it. [50:35.7 – 50:42.1] Thanks, bye, click.” 16 years later, I'm the Saturday night speaker at the Texas State Conference of AA. [50:42.1 – 50:45.3] Scared to death, people filling up the stadium. [50:45.3 – 50:46.6] I got on a coat and tie. [50:46.6 – 50:48.4] I go walking in. [50:48.4 – 50:51.2] I'm scared to death, and I see this old guy sitting down front that I know. [50:51.2 – 50:52.7] I mean, he's a legendary guy. [50:52.7 – 50:53.7] His name was Searcy. [50:53.7 – 50:56.6] At the time, Searcy was 91 years old. [50:56.6 – 51:02.1] He'd been sober for 58 years, and he had been married to the same woman for 59 years, right? [51:02.1 – 51:06.1] And sharp as a tack, like 6'5″ sitting there talking to this dude. [51:06.1 – 51:06.5] So I go… [51:06.5 – 51:09.8] He goes, “Earl, come over here.” I'm like, “Yes, sir.” Walking over there, right? [51:09.8 – 51:14.1] Sit down, he goes, “So I was talking to Bill and Franklin.” I was like, “Time out, man. [51:14.1 – 51:24.2] You mean like Bill, co-founder of AA Bill, and Franklin, one of the first circuit speakers who would, like, go around and make sure there was some continuity in what we're doing around in the country?” And he goes, “Yeah, [51:24.2 – 51:24.4] yeah. [51:24.4 – 51:25.2] You mind? [51:25.2 – 51:35.3] I'm telling a story, man.” I said, “Sorry.” He goes, “I'm talking to Bill and Franklin, and Franklin asked Bill, 'Bill, what is the heart and soul of this program that we must protect for the generations that will come?' [51:35.3 – 51:40.6] And without hesitation, Bill told Franklin, 'That's easy, man. [51:40.6 – 51:50.6] Trust God, clean house, help others.' Because those are the only three relationships we can have, a relationship with God, a relationship with self, a relationship with others.” And if I keep on that footing, I stay [51:50.6 – 51:56.8] between the lines in that serenity prayer, I can go out into the world and I can be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem. [51:56.8 – 51:59.8] Something I never thought was a possibility for a guy like me. [51:59.8 – 52:00.5] I can do the th… [52:00.5 – 52:06.9] I swore on that, in that wreck in Mexico, I swore I'd never love another human being again as long as I live. [52:06.9 – 52:09.6] And there's no way I'd ever tell you who I am, there's no way you could love me. [52:09.6 – 52:14.3] And all that's been set aside by you, right? [52:14.3 – 52:16.8] By me sticking close to you, right? [52:16.8 – 52:24.4] Um, all that was not possible for me has become possible because of you, because of the foundation upon which I stand a free man. [52:24.4 – 52:28.4] If you're new, this goes so far past not drinking and using. [52:28.4 – 52:31.4] It is, in fact, a design for living, you know? [52:31.4 – 52:32.8] There's people in these rooms… [52:32.8 – 52:42.8] I mean, when you look back and you think of the crazy, hideous things that just make you cringe that you did out there, look around you, all these bright, shiny faces, all [52:42.8 – 52:46.2] these people sitting up acting like, pretending they're paying attention to me. [52:46.2 – 52:50.6] All these people, they all got, they all got that past. [52:50.6 – 52:51.4] They all got that. [52:51.4 – 52:53.4] But what they got now is a future. [52:53.4 – 52:56.6] What they got now is something even more valuable than a future. [52:56.6 – 52:57.4] They have right now. [52:57.4 – 53:01.0] Because see, that's the thing that my drinking and using stole from me. [53:01.0 – 53:03.9] I'm, I love alcohol, heroin, barbiturates. [53:03.9 – 53:06.3] These are a few of my favorite things, right? [53:06.3 – 53:09.6] But if you don't have those, I'll take a big bag of the cocaine. [53:09.6 – 53:11.2] Sure. [53:11.2 – 53:11.9] Can't go down? [53:11.9 – 53:12.6] Let's go up. [53:12.6 – 53:14.3] Right? [53:14.3 – 53:15.8] I like to shit up… [53:15.8 – 53:17.9] My idea of a good night's sitting around checking my pulse. [53:17.9 – 53:18.6] You know what I mean? [53:20.5 – 53:20.7] night. [53:20.7 – 53:21.3] You know what I mean? [53:21.3 – 53:23.2] Just- Yeah. [53:23.2 – 53:24.1] All right, good. [53:24.1 – 53:25.4] Beat. [53:25.4 – 53:26.7] Come on, baby. [53:26.7 – 53:27.3] Come on. [53:27.3 – 53:27.9] There it is. [53:27.9 – 53:28.6] All right, good. [53:28.6 – 53:34.7] I don't need a window, I don't need a woman, I don't need a television, I don't need shit, man. [53:34.7 – 53:36.3] Just right in, right in here. [53:36.3 – 53:37.2] That's my… [53:37.2 – 53:37.9] I like it there. [53:37.9 – 53:39.2] Heart and lungs working. [53:39.2 – 53:39.6] That's it. [53:39.6 – 53:41.5] You don't have that? [53:41.5 – 53:43.1] Give me the cocaine, man. [53:43.1 – 53:45.2] I'll drive the freeways decoding license plates. [53:45.2 – 53:45.7] Let's go. [53:45.7 – 53:48.8] Sure, right? [53:48.8 – 53:50.1] 'Cause that's the truth, man. [53:50.1 – 53:56.0] 'Cause it's, for me, the truth is, it's all about I gotta get out of right here right now. [53:56.0 – 53:58.3] That's the bottom line for me. [53:58.3 – 54:01.5] 'Cause right here right now, I'm self-centered and I'm afraid. [54:01.5 – 54:02.4] I'm restless. [54:02.4 – 54:03.3] I'm irritable. [54:03.3 – 54:04.4] I'm discontented. [54:04.4 – 54:06.6] I got anxiety to my eyeballs, man. [54:06.6 – 54:08.5] I can't get comfortable in my own skin. [54:08.5 – 54:10.7] I can't get a good breath in and a good breath out. [54:10.7 – 54:14.0] I'm like, the screws are tightened down on me, man. [54:14.0 – 54:15.2] I am struggling. [54:15.2 – 54:17.1] Now is impossible. [54:17.1 – 54:22.1] So I drank and I used every day to get out of right now. [54:22.1 – 54:32.1] And the only place you can ever live a life, the only time you can ever love somebody, the only place you can ever have any dignity as a human being is now. [54:32.1 – 54:34.4] That's all there is, right? [54:34.4 – 54:44.4] There's a guy in the program for years was telling me, “All right, well, all you gotta do is give it between these.” “Just get in there.” “Get between those.” “You'll [54:44.4 – 54:44.8] be fine. [54:44.8 – 54:47.2] Just…” “Well, you were too late. [54:47.2 – 54:47.7] You missed that one. [54:47.7 – 54:48.5] Here we go again.” Right? [54:48.5 – 54:52.1] “In there.” And I was just like going, “Do it again. [54:52.1 – 54:55.9] Do it again.” I'm gonna get it, right? [54:55.9 – 54:57.8] And he's the guy that told me, “You gotta go meditate. [54:57.8 – 54:60.0] Meditation's the way into now.” Right? [54:60.0 – 55:06.9] And I just said, “All right.” I went to a meditation teacher and said, “You know what that means?” And he goes, “Yeah.” I go, “Good. [55:06.9 – 55:07.9] Teach me.” Right? [55:07.9 – 55:14.2] And we sat, and six weeks later, I, I've been meditating now for 20-plus years, every morning, right? [55:14.2 – 55:19.5] I start the day, 'cause I gotta get at me before the world does, man, or we're gonna have problems, right? [55:19.5 – 55:23.7] Now. [55:23.7 – 55:26.2] It's all we got. [55:26.2 – 55:33.2] And that's what Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Heroin Anonymous offers. [55:33.2 – 55:36.0] Offers now. [55:36.0 – 55:37.5] You can get now back. [55:37.5 – 55:40.4] 'Cause addiction was killing me one day at a time. [55:40.4 – 55:43.2] It was taking my life from me one day at a time. [55:43.2 – 55:48.8] I came in here, I did what these people told me to do, and now I get to be here one day at a time. [55:48.8 – 55:49.9] I get today. [55:49.9 – 55:53.1] And that's all I need, man, is today. [55:53.1 – 55:56.9] And I've, I've built this crazy pow- amazing life, man. [55:56.9 – 56:00.2] On the outside, my life is banging, right? [56:00.2 – 56:04.7] Anywhere you wanna look, it's going, “Hey, Earl's doing pretty good over there.” You wanna know the truth? [56:04.7 – 56:06.3] None of it means a thing. [56:06.3 – 56:08.5] None of it means a thing. [56:08.5 – 56:09.3] What mean… [56:09.3 – 56:11.3] The only thing that means anything to me is this. [56:11.3 – 56:21.4] When I was two and a half years sober, I'd never taken a chip, I'd never taken a cake, I'd never opened my mouth in a meeting of, of any kind, and my sponsor, the late, great Donald Madden, [56:21.4 – 56:21.9] said to me, “Give me… [56:21.9 – 56:24.9] I want you to give me a cake.” And it was the greatest honor of my life. [56:24.9 – 56:28.9] And I, we went to the Wednesday night wrist slashers meeting, and we went down there, right? [56:28.9 – 56:30.9] That was an appropriately named meeting, man. [56:30.9 – 56:34.6] And we went down to this meeting, and he, and I gave him the cake, and I was so proud, man. [56:34.6 – 56:37.8] And he got up at the podium and he said, “My name is Donald Madden, and I'm an alcoholic. [56:37.8 – 56:42.5] The miracle of my life is that I'm sober, and who needs to know that is me.” And he sat down. [56:42.5 – 56:44.4] And it was like he branded it on my skull. [56:44.4 – 56:48.2] Six months later, November 6th, was my birthday. [56:48.2 – 56:57.6] And I said, “Will you give me a cake?” He said, “Sure.” We went back to the Wednesday night wrist slasher meeting, and I got up, and he gave me a cake, and I got at the podium, and I said, “My name is Earl Hightower, and I'm an alcoholic. [56:57.6 – 57:03.1] The miracle of my life is that I'm sober, and who needs to know that is me.” And that was true from that day to this. [57:03.1 – 57:08.9] Uh, I don't do anything wr- I, I'm, I'm sober 36 years, and I couldn't stay sober for a day. [57:08.9 – 57:18.2] And what you're cheering is the 12 steps. [57:18.2 – 57:19.9] That's what you're cheering. [57:19.9 – 57:25.5] You're cheering the fellowship and the 12 steps, the sword and the shield, man, that's there to protect us all. [57:25.5 – 57:27.5] So if you're new, stay here. [57:27.5 – 57:28.5] Stay in this. [57:28.5 – 57:32.6] Stay with these people that will love you regardless of how you feel about yourself. [57:32.6 – 57:33.8] They will care for you. [57:33.8 – 57:35.3] They will, they will be here for you. [57:35.3 – 57:37.3] Stay with these people, right? [57:37.3 – 57:44.3] And they will bring you to these steps, and go through these steps with them, with a sponsor, with a group, whatever way you, works for you, do it. [57:44.3 – 57:49.1] Get in that book, work through those steps, and see if it doesn't change the way you look out of your skull. [57:49.1 – 57:53.0] And when it does, you will be able to say, “I'm free. [57:53.0 – 57:55.8] I am no longer enslaved. [57:55.8 – 58:02.6] I'm free.” And all we ask is that you turn and give it to the next crazy son of a bitch walking through that door. [58:02.6 – 58:03.3] Right? [58:03.3 – 58:05.9] I've seen three guys walk in here since I got up here. [58:05.9 – 58:08.3] All three of them look like they just put the flames out. [58:08.3 – 58:15.9] So we don't gotta go to the, the, the hospital. [58:15.9 – 58:17.2] We don't gotta go to the Bowery. [58:17.2 – 58:18.8] You don't gotta go look under a bridge. [58:18.8 – 58:20.4] Just turn around and look in the back. [58:20.4 – 58:22.5] They're right here with us. [58:22.5 – 58:23.2] Right? [58:23.2 – 58:28.9] So g- there's two guys back there went, “Right over here, man.” There's two guys right over there. [58:28.9 – 58:29.9] I love you both. [58:29.9 – 58:30.5] God bless you. [58:30.5 – 58:31.4] Take care of yourselves. [58:31.4 – 58:31.7] Peace.