Transcript

[00:00.2 – 00:00.9] I'm a heroin addict. [00:00.9 – 00:05.3] Um, thanks for having me. [00:05.3 – 00:08.0] Uh, this is, like, really cool. [00:08.0 – 00:10.3] I think this shows what this fellowship can do. [00:10.3 – 00:11.0] You know what I mean? [00:11.0 – 00:15.5] Like, I'm all the way from Colorado, and, like, I gotta come out here and, like, go to an HA meeting and, like, speak. [00:15.5 – 00:17.9] You know, and I think that's, like, a really beautiful thing. [00:17.9 – 00:23.3] Um, so I'll just start by saying, you know, I have a sponsor. [00:23.3 – 00:24.8] I work the steps. [00:24.8 – 00:26.0] I've been through the steps. [00:26.0 – 00:27.4] I have sponsees. [00:27.4 – 00:28.6] I take them through the work. [00:28.6 – 00:31.3] Um, I have service commitments. [00:31.3 – 00:32.3] I have a home group. [00:32.3 – 00:33.4] You know, I'm… [00:33.4 – 00:35.3] I have a very full life. [00:35.3 – 00:37.3] I do a lot of things, right? [00:37.3 – 00:43.2] But, like, I always, like, focus on my recovery, and I always make sure, like, I'm doing something for my recovery every day. [00:43.2 – 00:46.0] I think that's really important, you know? [00:46.0 – 00:56.2] Um, so yeah, I'll kind of share what it was like before, you know, with drugs and alcohol, and even before then, um, [00:56.2 – 01:00.5] and, like, what it's like now, and, like, how my life's changed, and, like, my different experiences through that. [01:00.5 – 01:03.8] Um, so yeah. [01:03.8 – 01:05.1] I was born in Denver. [01:05.1 – 01:09.0] Uh, when I was five months old, I, I moved to Fort Collins. [01:09.0 – 01:10.8] It's about an hour north of there. [01:10.8 – 01:15.8] Um, and that's where I lived through my active addiction until I moved back to Denver to get sober. [01:15.8 – 01:22.4] Um, you know, my first memories growing up were, like, of my parents fighting. [01:22.4 – 01:31.1] They had a very volatile relationship, and me and my brother, he's five years older than me, uh, we were always, like, the focal point of their fighting. [01:31.1 – 01:39.6] And so I remember, like, a very young age, like, not, like, not feeling okay, and, um, just, you know, kind of a disruptive household. [01:39.6 – 01:44.6] Um, and then when I was five, my dad left. [01:44.6 – 01:47.1] He moved to North Carolina kind of abruptly. [01:47.1 – 01:49.6] Um, and they ended up getting a divorce. [01:49.6 – 01:54.2] And so for about a year, it was just me and my brother and my mom. [01:54.2 – 01:59.8] Um, and then when I turned six, my mom, um, remarried. [01:59.8 – 02:06.3] Um, and she remarried this man that was supposed to be, like, a really good family man. [02:06.3 – 02:08.2] He was a gymnastics coach. [02:08.2 – 02:09.3] He was a schoolteacher. [02:09.3 – 02:11.3] He was supposed to be really good with kids. [02:11.3 – 02:15.0] Um, but, like, that was really not the case at all. [02:15.0 – 02:20.7] Uh, at the age of six, he started sexually abusing me, and that continued until I was 11. [02:20.7 – 02:30.7] Um, you know, and I, I, I, like, share that part of my story not because I put weight on it for my addiction, [02:30.7 – 02:34.5] but because I think it had a huge impact on my mental illness. [02:34.5 – 02:41.5] Um, you know, like, it wasn't normal for, like, an 11-year-old to be, like, suicidal, right? [02:41.5 – 02:43.6] Um, and it, like… [02:43.6 – 02:52.7] I started, like, acting out and, like, doing these things, and, like, you know, being a drug addict, like, I never felt okay on the inside, right? [02:52.7 – 02:54.9] And, like, that just, like, seemed to make it way worse. [02:54.9 – 03:01.6] Um, and I learned to, I learned to, like, put on these masks that I would, like, show the world, right? [03:01.6 – 03:05.5] And I had, like, these different masks that I would put on for, like, each different environment, right? [03:05.5 – 03:08.9] For the schoolteacher, for my family, for my friends. [03:08.9 – 03:15.2] Um, you know, 'cause I didn't want anyone to see, like, how I was truly feeling on the inside, right? [03:15.2 – 03:17.4] So it was a way to, like, cover that. [03:17.4 – 03:24.8] Um, and so, you know, as I got older, um, you know, I was, I was bullied a lot. [03:24.8 – 03:25.8] I was very short. [03:25.8 – 03:28.7] I didn't really, like, start to grow until high school. [03:28.7 – 03:32.4] Um, I've always had, like, these big chubby cheeks. [03:32.4 – 03:38.2] I had rosacea, so they'd get super red all the time, especially when I'm anxious, and I've always been anxious. [03:38.2 – 03:43.6] Um, you know, I was a gymnast, which is not, like, the cool sport to do. [03:43.6 – 03:47.0] Um, so I was bullied a lot, you know? [03:47.0 – 03:48.8] I was called fag and gay. [03:48.8 – 03:51.2] Um, you know, junior high was really rough for me. [03:51.2 – 03:52.4] I got in a lot of fights. [03:52.4 – 03:57.8] It was, like, my way to deal with that, um, up until I found drugs and alcohol. [03:57.8 – 04:01.1] At the age of 14, I smoked weed for the first time. [04:01.1 – 04:06.8] Um, and for me, that was, like, you know, my… [04:06.8 – 04:08.3] I never felt okay. [04:08.3 – 04:10.0] My mind was always racing. [04:10.0 – 04:11.3] Like, I couldn't be calm. [04:11.3 – 04:14.4] I could never just sit in my own skin. [04:14.4 – 04:18.5] And, like, the first time I smoked weed, like, it says it in the big book. [04:18.5 – 04:23.6] At the very beginning, it says, and when it's talking about Bill W., it's like, he says, “I have arrived,” right? [04:23.6 – 04:24.6] And, like, that was me. [04:24.6 – 04:29.3] Like, I, I hit that bowl of weed, and it was like, “I have arrived,” right? [04:29.3 – 04:31.5] Like, this is how I want to feel always. [04:31.5 – 04:33.1] I never don't want to feel this way. [04:33.1 – 04:43.5] Um, and I remember that first night I smoked weed with my brother, and I told him, I was like, “I'm gonna own a mansion, and there's gonna be women in bikinis [04:43.5 – 04:47.2] serving me weed.” “And I'm just gonna smoke weed the rest of my life. [04:47.2 – 04:48.3] Like, this is gonna be my life. [04:48.3 – 04:49.0] That's all I want. [04:49.0 – 04:56.6] If I could do that, I'll be perfectly content.” Um, and that's what I strived for from then on. [04:56.6 – 05:01.7] Um, you know, I, I found the kids in school that smoked weed. [05:01.7 – 05:06.0] I hung out with my brother as much as I could, 'cause I knew it'd, you know, get me high. [05:06.0 – 05:09.1] Um, you know, and that's just what I did. [05:09.1 – 05:11.2] That was the same year I drank for the first time. [05:11.2 – 05:17.0] Um, but it was harder to, like, drink in the morning and drink throughout the day, you know? [05:17.0 – 05:18.8] Like, it's difficult to do that. [05:18.8 – 05:23.0] It's harder to find alcohol, so, like, Colorado, weed was my thing, you know? [05:23.0 – 05:24.1] Like, it was easy to find. [05:24.1 – 05:27.4] So it was like all day, every day, I'm gonna smoke weed if I can do it. [05:27.4 – 05:35.9] Um, and then when I turned 15, that was, like, my, like, drug exploring years kind of. [05:35.9 – 05:44.0] Um, you know, I tried acid, acid, mushrooms, coke, um, Delsym cough syrup. [05:44.0 – 05:44.9] You know? [05:44.9 – 05:51.3] Like, fucking anything that would make me feel better, 'cause I didn't feel okay on the inside, right? [05:51.3 – 05:58.8] Um, and out of all of those, like, the one that stood out the most was opiates, right? [05:58.8 – 06:02.9] I, uh, I stole some medication from my stepdad. [06:02.9 – 06:03.6] He had a bad knee, so- [06:03.8 – 06:04.2] surgery. [06:04.2 – 06:07.3] And so I stole, it was like Darvocet. [06:07.3 – 06:09.1] It's not even on the market anymore, I don't think. [06:09.1 – 06:11.1] But they were very strong opiates. [06:11.1 – 06:15.2] Um, and I remember taking them, and I had that feeling again. [06:15.2 – 06:17.1] It was like the first time I smoked weed. [06:17.1 – 06:20.5] It was like, you know, everything was okay. [06:20.5 – 06:21.7] You know? [06:21.7 – 06:25.0] I wanna feel that way the rest of my life. [06:25.0 – 06:27.7] You know, this was like my solution. [06:27.7 – 06:28.6] I'd found it. [06:28.6 – 06:38.4] Um, and so yeah, you know, when I had money, it was like, “How can I find opiates?” And if I couldn't do that, then it was like the next best thing, right? [06:38.4 – 06:40.6] But like that was what I was always searching for. [06:40.6 – 06:50.6] Um, and, you know, eventually there was this kid at my high school, uh, who got diagnosed with cancer, and his family was [06:50.6 – 06:51.3] very poor. [06:51.3 – 06:55.1] And so he started selling his pills, and so I started buying from him. [06:55.1 – 06:58.6] Um, and I ended up being like his only customer. [06:58.6 – 07:06.7] Um, and so, you know, I started taking a bunch of oxy and Vicodin, um, you know, and it got out of hand pretty quick. [07:06.7 – 07:10.2] And I eventually met this older gentleman. [07:10.2 – 07:18.5] He, he ran a landscaping business, and he would have mason jars full of oxy and Vicodin and Xanax and K pins and everything. [07:18.5 – 07:20.2] So, you know, I just started buying through him. [07:20.2 – 07:20.9] He always had it. [07:20.9 – 07:28.5] It was a good price and, you know, before I know it- knew it, you know, I was taking 300 milligrams of oxy, like just to get high, you know. [07:28.5 – 07:30.3] It got out of hand very fast. [07:30.3 – 07:35.7] Um, and so at this point, I was 16. [07:35.7 – 07:38.4] I mowed lawns and did a lot of landscaping in the summer. [07:38.4 – 07:39.8] I made very good money. [07:39.8 – 07:49.5] Um, and then I became a gymnastics coach as well, and I was selling a lot of weed, um, mainly just to support my pill addiction 'cause it was so expensive. [07:49.5 – 07:59.6] Um, and eventually it reached this point where I was like, there was this one day I was kinda out of money, and I hit up my buddy and I was like, “Hey, like let's get some pills.” [07:59.6 – 08:09.6] And he's like, “I got $50.” So I stole $60 from my work, and I hit up my pill guy, and he was like, “I got something better for you.” And [08:09.6 – 08:14.7] so I showed up, and it was a little bag with some pra- brown, brown powder in it. [08:14.7 – 08:24.8] Um, and I was like, “What is it?” He said, “It's H.” I was like, “How do I use it?” He said, “You can snort it, smoke it, shoot it.” Um, I was like, “Cool, give me it.” You know, at this point, you know, I was 16. [08:24.8 – 08:26.9] I had no idea it was heroin. [08:26.9 – 08:31.0] Um, I just knew it was something that would probably fuck me up, and that's all I wanted. [08:31.0 – 08:32.5] That's all I cared about, right? [08:32.5 – 08:37.4] Um, so I went over to my buddy's house, and he was from Arizona. [08:37.4 – 08:39.0] He was in college at the time. [08:39.0 – 08:39.8] He was a little older. [08:39.8 – 08:46.8] And I was like, “Hey man, you know, like I didn't get pills, but I, he said, 'I got something better.'” And I showed him, and he was like, “Oh, that's fucking heroin. [08:46.8 – 08:56.1] I went to rehab for that like a year ago.” And I was like, “Oh, cool, you know.” He's like, “Let's get fucking high.” I was like, “Sweet, let's do it.” You know what I mean? [08:56.1 – 09:02.0] And, um, so he, you know, he put out some lines, and I snorted it. [09:02.0 – 09:08.1] And, uh, you know, once again, it was like that same feeling from the first time I smoked weed. [09:08.1 – 09:10.6] It was like, everything's all right in the world. [09:10.6 – 09:12.4] I feel okay. [09:12.4 – 09:15.1] You know, like I always want to feel this way. [09:15.1 – 09:16.7] I never wanna feel a different way. [09:16.7 – 09:22.5] Um, and, uh, so that's ki- kinda how I proceeded for a little bit. [09:22.5 – 09:26.0] Um, you know, he, my buddy was a weird dude. [09:26.0 – 09:30.7] I mean, he went to rehab for heroin, so you'd assume like he went back to it, but he didn't. [09:30.7 – 09:36.0] I j- I did it with him that night, and I did it with him like two months after that, and that was the only time. [09:36.0 – 09:41.1] And so basically, it was me snorting heroin alone. [09:41.1 – 09:43.0] That's how my heroin addiction started. [09:43.0 – 09:44.8] Um, you know, I was in high school. [09:44.8 – 09:47.1] People didn't do that. [09:47.1 – 09:48.0] You know what I mean? [09:48.0 – 09:49.1] It wasn't acceptable. [09:49.1 – 09:57.0] And so, you know, I was the kid like going to high school parties that was like going to the bathroom and like snorting heroin by myself. [09:57.0 – 10:05.7] Um, and so, you know, that continued for about three months, and I got in some trouble. [10:05.7 – 10:09.5] I kind of ran into like a bad crowd for a period of time. [10:09.5 – 10:12.3] I met another kid that was doing heroin. [10:12.3 – 10:17.7] Um, and so the summer before my 17th birthday, I shot heroin for the first time. [10:17.7 – 10:26.9] Um, and that, you know, like I previously talked about, once again, like it gave me that feeling like I got so much more high. [10:26.9 – 10:31.5] It was cheaper, um, and I wanted to feel that way the rest of my life. [10:31.5 – 10:35.7] Um, so yeah, it just continued, you know. [10:35.7 – 10:41.4] And, um, I always lived for a long time this like double life. [10:41.4 – 10:43.1] Um, I was very smart. [10:43.1 – 10:44.6] I did really good in school. [10:44.6 – 10:48.9] Um, but like I had this full-blown addiction going on, right? [10:48.9 – 10:52.2] Um, and it, it allowed me to get away with it for a really long time. [10:52.2 – 10:56.8] Um, I graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA. [10:56.8 – 10:58.9] I had 20 college credits. [10:58.9 – 11:02.7] I got accepted into the engineering school at Colorado State University. [11:02.7 – 11:06.0] Um, you know, everything on paper looked good. [11:06.0 – 11:15.5] Everyone thought I was like kind of this poster boy child, um, that was gonna, you know, go off and do wonders at college and get this great job, and that's what my family thought. [11:15.5 – 11:25.7] Um, and so the, the summer before my freshman year of college was like the first time ever [11:25.7 – 11:31.4] that, that I like thought to myself like, “Maybe I shouldn't continue to do heroin.” You know? [11:31.4 – 11:33.1] Uh, it was getting expensive. [11:33.1 – 11:34.1] I couldn't afford it. [11:34.1 – 11:44.1] You know, I had started like stealing some and pawning stuff and, um, I was like, “You know, I really don't wanna do this anymore.” Um, you know, I think [11:44.1 – 11:49.1] if I go to college, like it'll fix me, and I won't have this like problem anymore. [11:49.1 – 11:58.1] And so like a month or two before I started my freshman year, um, I detoxed and I took a bunch of benzos, um, and I got off heroin for a little bit. [11:58.1 – 12:03.6] Um, but this is like when I started smoking a bunch of crack instead. [12:03.6 – 12:06.5] Um, and drinking a lot [12:07.6 – 12:11.9] You know, it was, you know, I joined the college scene, so everybody drinks, you know? [12:11.9 – 12:18.3] And I like getting fucked up, and I realized that if I smoke a bunch of crack, I can drink a bunch more, you know? [12:18.3 – 12:21.4] And I can, like, party with everyone else, and this is how I want… [12:21.4 – 12:22.3] You know, I fit in. [12:22.3 – 12:22.9] It was fun. [12:22.9 – 12:23.7] I felt accepted. [12:23.7 – 12:24.6] I made friends. [12:24.6 – 12:28.2] And so, you know, that's what I kind of did for a while. [12:28.2 – 12:35.0] Um, and then at some point, I don't really remember when, I went to a party with my girlfriend. [12:35.0 – 12:37.9] Um, we had been dating for like four years at this point. [12:37.9 – 12:46.5] And there was this guy there, and I got really drunk, so I don't remember, but all I knew was somehow I knew he did heroin. [12:46.5 – 12:54.9] And, um, we had bought Adderall from him that night, and the next morning, I hit him up for some Adderall. [12:54.9 – 13:00.8] And we met up, and I was like, “Fuck your Adderall.” Like, “I know you got some fucking dope. [13:00.8 – 13:08.1] Like, let's do this thing.” And, um, you know, it was, it was just back off to the races, except this time it was even worse. [13:08.1 – 13:14.5] Um, you know, before I only bought heroin from, like, my landscaping buddy, and that's, like, all I knew. [13:14.5 – 13:16.2] Um, and he ended up… [13:16.2 – 13:17.4] I should include this. [13:17.4 – 13:19.6] That sober time, he died of an overdose. [13:19.6 – 13:22.1] So I couldn't really get heroin. [13:22.1 – 13:25.4] So I like to tell myself I got sober, but really just- … [13:25.4 – 13:25.9] I didn't. [13:25.9 – 13:27.7] I couldn't get it anymore. [13:27.7 – 13:28.3] Very nice. [13:28.3 – 13:30.3] Um, so my option was taken away. [13:30.3 – 13:36.1] Um, but this time, you know, I learned this idea of, like, a plug, right? [13:36.1 – 13:44.4] And so, like, we started driving from Fort Collins to the big city of Denver, you know, and, like, meeting, like, the Hondurans and, like, all these different people, right? [13:44.4 – 13:48.2] Um, and it was a lot cheaper, and they always had it. [13:48.2 – 13:51.8] And so, you know, I started making trips to Denver every day. [13:51.8 – 13:57.9] Um, uh, and I, you know, I met, like, this vast world of addicts all of a sudden, right? [13:57.9 – 14:00.7] Before it was kind of like me, maybe one buddy. [14:00.7 – 14:04.2] But now it was like I know all these people that do heroin, right? [14:04.2 – 14:06.3] He, like, introduced me to this whole new world. [14:06.3 – 14:15.0] Um, and so, you know, I don't really know how I maintained this, but, you know, I was a full-time college student. [14:15.0 – 14:20.9] I worked about 20 hours a week, and I made a trip to Denver every day and shot dope. [14:20.9 – 14:22.6] Um, I passed… [14:22.6 – 14:24.3] I only failed one class in college. [14:24.3 – 14:26.3] I made it five semesters, which I'll get to. [14:26.3 – 14:31.0] But, um, that was, like, the duality of the life I was living, you know? [14:31.0 – 14:40.2] Um, and eventually things got pretty bad, and, you know, I was, I was doing all kinds of returns. [14:40.2 – 14:47.7] I was stealing all kinds of stuff, you know, going to Home Depot, steal a drill, take it to the pawn shop, you know, like, just living that lifestyle. [14:47.7 – 14:56.0] Um, I was kind of trying to, like, sell dope, you know, go to Fort Collins and pick up, like, an extra gram and, like, bring it back, and that was, like, kind of working. [14:56.0 – 14:58.3] Um, but you know, I was struggling. [14:58.3 – 15:05.4] And, uh, I, I kind of hit, like, this breaking point, and I started to see a therapist through my college. [15:05.4 – 15:06.9] It was free. [15:06.9 – 15:14.5] Um, and so I was seeing this therapist, and they wanted to, like, lock me up, and so I started, like, lying a bit to him. [15:14.5 – 15:16.4] You know, I couldn't tell him, like, the full truth. [15:16.4 – 15:21.8] And, and, uh, you know, eventually, like, reached this breaking point. [15:21.8 – 15:32.1] I was driving back from Denver, and my mom called me, and she was like, “I found a therapist note in your bedroom, and there's $1,500 missing from my bedroom.” [15:32.1 – 15:32.3] Mm. [15:32.3 – 15:35.6] Um, “What the fuck's going on?” You know? [15:35.6 – 15:38.3] And, uh, I don't know. [15:38.3 – 15:41.6] Like, I hit this, like, small point of desperation. [15:41.6 – 15:44.1] I had, like, a little bit of willingness, and I just told her. [15:44.1 – 15:47.2] I was like, “You know, like, I'm shooting heroin. [15:47.2 – 15:48.8] I don't know how to stop. [15:48.8 – 15:53.8] I need some fucking help.” And, um, you know, I got home from Denver. [15:53.8 – 16:01.1] And, you know, she asked me, she was like, you know, like, “What was so wrong in your life that you felt like you needed to shoot heroin?” You know? [16:01.1 – 16:01.2] Mm. [16:01.2 – 16:02.6] 'Cause she just doesn't get it, right? [16:02.6 – 16:02.9] Mm. [16:02.9 – 16:13.1] Um, and so through a lot of, like, fear and anxiety and not wanting to tell her, you know, I told her this man that she was still married [16:13.1 – 16:17.4] to that lived in our house, you know, sexually abused me for five years. [16:17.4 – 16:21.1] Um, and that shook my mom's world. [16:21.1 – 16:26.7] Um, you know, I was still living in a lot of fear, and I wasn't ready to face it. [16:26.7 – 16:28.4] And so I told her. [16:28.4 – 16:29.3] I was like, you know… [16:29.3 – 16:32.8] 'Cause s- side note, you know, he was still a gymnastics coach. [16:32.8 – 16:36.0] He'd been a gymnastics coach for almost 30 years at this point. [16:36.0 – 16:39.9] Um, he was also teaching third grade at an elementary school. [16:39.9 – 16:45.7] Um, I told her, I said, “If you go to the cops, I'll fucking kill myself.” Mm. [16:45.7 – 16:50.0] Um, you know, I was not prepared to deal with all of that. [16:50.0 – 16:59.8] Um, and my mom, in her best way possible to keep me alive, you know, she, she didn't go to the cops. [16:59.8 – 17:04.1] The next day he was asked to leave our house, and he had to tell his entire family. [17:04.1 – 17:06.2] Um, those were the rules she made. [17:06.2 – 17:08.3] And so he left our house. [17:08.3 – 17:09.8] This was, like, a Wednesday. [17:09.8 – 17:16.8] Um, and that Saturday I got on my first Suboxone treatment center, uh, or program, I mean. [17:16.8 – 17:24.8] Um, you know, and it was previous, like, college, it was like, okay, like, this, you know, program's gonna fix me. [17:24.8 – 17:27.8] Like, Suboxone is gonna be my answer, right? [17:27.8 – 17:29.6] I can use Suboxone to stay sober. [17:29.6 – 17:30.8] Everything will be great. [17:30.8 – 17:34.2] Um, you know, and that was not my story. [17:34.2 – 17:35.2] That's not my case. [17:35.2 – 17:40.4] Um, it worked for a little bit, but, like, once again, like, on the side, like, I was smoking a bunch of crack. [17:40.4 – 17:41.7] I was drinking. [17:41.7 – 17:42.8] You know what I mean? [17:42.8 – 17:44.1] Like, I was doing ketamine. [17:44.1 – 17:45.2] Like, it didn't matter, right? [17:45.2 – 17:47.6] Any substance, like, that would fuck me up. [17:47.6 – 17:50.5] 'Cause the Suboxone doctor didn't give a fuck, right? [17:50.5 – 17:52.1] He was like, “Oh, you're not doing dope? [17:52.1 – 17:57.2] You should probably not do crack.” “But you can still come and get your Suboxone,” right? [17:57.2 – 17:58.6] So I was like, “Hell yeah,” you know? [17:58.6 – 18:00.2] It was a win-win. [18:00.2 – 18:01.4] It was everything I wanted. [18:01.4 – 18:10.1] Um, and during that time, I got my first DUI, um, which was actually for weed. [18:10.1 – 18:11.0] Um- [18:11.2 – 18:12.7] Uh, I was in Texas for nine days. [18:12.7 – 18:18.2] I came back and took like 10 dabs and was fucking stoned out of my mind. [18:18.2 – 18:22.0] And, uh, was swerving on campus, got pulled over. [18:22.0 – 18:23.0] They searched my car. [18:23.0 – 18:26.7] They found a bunch of needles, and so they thought I was doing dope. [18:26.7 – 18:28.4] They tore my fucking car apart. [18:28.4 – 18:36.3] They found some hash, and I went and gave blood thinking, “Well, I can't get a DUI for weed.” Um, I was mistaken. [18:36.3 – 18:40.4] So- Poor guy … [18:40.4 – 18:47.0] yeah, got my first DUI while on Suboxone, and probably about a month after that- Oh, boy … [18:47.0 – 18:54.7] my buddy got sentenced to the halfway house, and he hit me up, and he's like, “Hey, man, let's fucking kick it.” And I was like, “All right,” you know. [18:54.7 – 18:58.4] I picked him up, and he's like, “You wanna make some money?” I was like, “Of course. [18:58.4 – 19:07.2] Take me to Denver.” So I took him to Denver, and we picked up, and he's like, “I'm gonna start selling out of the halfway house.” And so, uh- … [19:07.2 – 19:13.0] we did that for a day, and the next day I picked him up, and we shot dope in Denver. [19:13.0 – 19:13.6] Yeah. [19:13.6 – 19:16.1] Um, and it was right back to it. [19:16.1 – 19:16.7] You know what I mean? [19:16.7 – 19:16.9] Now… [19:16.9 – 19:18.0] But now I had more income. [19:18.0 – 19:20.1] I had all these Suboxones. [19:20.1 – 19:20.3] Mm-hmm. [19:20.3 – 19:30.4] And so I started selling my Suboxone and, um, you know, we had this new plug that he had met in jail, and we, like, befriended him, and so he started fronting me, [19:30.4 – 19:39.9] you know, like quarters and halves, and so I just, you know, I started selling, you know, a little bit of heroin, and it could support my addiction, um, for quite a while. [19:39.9 – 19:46.0] Um, probably a month or a month and a half after that relapse, I got my second DUI. [19:46.0 – 19:49.0] I went 45 miles an hour into a pole. [19:49.0 – 19:52.7] Uh, the people I was with dipped and left me. [19:52.7 – 19:54.6] I was unconscious for about five minutes. [19:54.6 – 19:58.8] I woke up to people screaming around me outside my car. [19:58.8 – 20:04.2] Um, and yeah, I got my second DUI and got arrested, went to jail. [20:04.2 – 20:14.8] Um, you know, and I was fucking depressed, and I was miserable, and, you know, I, I got out of jail, and I just, you know, I did what was comfortable, [20:14.8 – 20:14.9] right? [20:14.9 – 20:18.0] I just went back to the dope, started shooting dope again. [20:18.0 – 20:19.2] That's the only thing I knew that's… [20:19.2 – 20:21.4] That was my solution, right? [20:21.4 – 20:25.2] Nothing else had made me feel okay but sticking that needle in my arm. [20:25.2 – 20:35.4] Um, and so, you know, just started shooting dope and started popping hot UAs, and probation didn't like that, and well, I guess pre-trial [20:35.4 – 20:37.3] still 'cause I wasn't sentenced. [20:37.3 – 20:41.6] Um, and so, you know, when you… [20:41.6 – 20:49.5] I don't know if it works the same out here, but in Colorado, when you get criminal charges and you go to a state university, they communicate- … [20:49.5 – 20:50.7] which was very nice of them. [20:50.7 – 20:59.0] So, you know, I had to meet with the dean, and, uh, I had hit another low point, and I wanted help. [20:59.0 – 21:06.4] So I just told the dean, I was like, “Look, man, fucking shooting heroin, and I don't know how to stop.” Like, “Can you fix me?” pretty much. [21:06.4 – 21:09.1] You know, like, “I don't, I don't wanna do this anymore. [21:09.1 – 21:10.6] I wanna finish college,” you know? [21:10.6 – 21:15.1] Um, and he's like, “Well, we have this, like, pretty severe program. [21:15.1 – 21:16.7] It's called Back on Track. [21:16.7 – 21:18.3] You go to, you know, these groups. [21:18.3 – 21:19.4] You get a therapist. [21:19.4 – 21:23.7] We UA you.” Um, and he told me, he's like, “I don't think we can handle you. [21:23.7 – 21:33.9] You know, normally deal with people who got MIPs and shit, but, you know, if you wanna give it a shot, you can.” And so, you know, I started this [21:33.9 – 21:34.3] program. [21:34.3 – 21:43.6] I got back on my Suboxone, and I started to go, you know, to these groups, and I had a therapist, and, uh, you know, life was, like, okay for a while. [21:43.6 – 21:50.7] Um, I was still selling heroin, and so my addiction kind of switched to, like, money, you know? [21:50.7 – 21:55.2] And so I, like, created this, like, ego, this alter ego, you know. [21:55.2 – 22:04.5] Like, I bought, like, this Rolex, and I had, like, a brand-new wardrobe, and, like, I was eating out, and I thought, like, I was, like, this kingpin, you know, drug dealer. [22:04.5 – 22:08.2] Um, you know, and- … [22:08.2 – 22:13.4] at the same time, I was shooting a bunch of ketamine and eating a bunch of Somas 'cause those don't show up in UAs. [22:13.4 – 22:14.3] Yeah. [22:14.3 – 22:19.8] And, uh, I was selling cocaine to people in the program and getting them kicked out from CSU. [22:19.8 – 22:24.3] Um, you know, my life was still really unmanageable. [22:24.3 – 22:25.5] I didn't know how to live. [22:25.5 – 22:30.7] Um, and eventually I popped hot for heroin. [22:30.7 – 22:32.1] Uh, I didn't do it. [22:32.1 – 22:36.9] I think it, like, seeped through my fingers from breaking it up. [22:36.9 – 22:47.0] I have no idea, but I popped hot, and I had taken a test for the state, then my school that I popped hot, and then my Suboxone doctor, and we got the results from [22:47.0 – 22:49.2] all them, and the Suboxone levels were all the same. [22:49.2 – 22:55.1] And if anybody's taken Suboxone, you know that if you shoot dope, you can't take Suboxone for a little bit. [22:55.1 – 22:55.9] Yeah. [22:55.9 – 23:01.1] Um, and so they, they, they kept me, but I was on very thin ice. [23:01.1 – 23:02.0] They didn't trust me. [23:02.0 – 23:07.5] And so, you know, since they got mad at me, I was a victim. [23:07.5 – 23:11.7] You know, how dare they accuse me to- shooting heroin when I didn't. [23:11.7 – 23:13.8] I was only selling it. [23:13.8 – 23:18.5] Um, so I said, “Fuck you, I'll shoot heroin.” Fuck. [23:18.5 – 23:19.7] You know? [23:19.7 – 23:21.0] Popped hot again. [23:21.0 – 23:22.0] I was kicked out of school. [23:22.0 – 23:29.5] Um, you know, and that was really hard for me 'cause at this point, my girlfriend of almost five years had left me. [23:29.5 – 23:34.3] Um, I'm extremely codependent, and so, you know, my identity was, like, with her. [23:34.3 – 23:38.1] So when she left me, I had li- like, lost everything. [23:38.1 – 23:40.7] Like, you know, I went, like, crazy. [23:40.7 – 23:44.9] Um, and then I got kicked out of school, and I had passed all my classes. [23:44.9 – 23:46.5] So I was, like, pissed off. [23:46.5 – 23:49.0] You know, I was a giant victim of that situation. [23:49.0 – 23:56.4] Um, and so I just went on a giant bender, and it was, like, two or three days of being kicked out of college. [23:56.4 – 23:58.3] Um, I had my first overdose. [23:58.3 – 24:04.1] Uh, this girl CeCe was living with me at my mom's house, and, um, I overdosed. [24:04.1 – 24:05.2] She went and got my mom. [24:05.2 – 24:07.9] My mom had to do CPR on me for a while. [24:07.9 – 24:09.1] The paramedics came. [24:09.1 – 24:12.9] They hit me with Narcan, um, and I went to the hospital. [24:12.9 – 24:14.2] Um- [24:15.7 – 24:20.7] You know, and it was scary, but, you know, I just wasn't done. [24:20.7 – 24:24.9] It was the only thing I knew, and so went to the hospital for four hours. [24:24.9 – 24:27.5] I got out, and I shot dope, you know? [24:27.5 – 24:35.6] Um, and so I did that for a couple weeks, and then I had to start doing my jail time for my two DUIs. [24:35.6 – 24:38.8] And, um, I, uh, I… [24:38.8 – 24:47.3] When I was sentenced, I was still in college, and so they didn't want me to be out of school or kicked out of school for going to jail. [24:47.3 – 24:49.5] So I was doing what they call work enders. [24:49.5 – 24:56.7] So I was going in on the weekend, and then they'd put you in a jumpsuit, and you'd go out, and you'd clean trash off the highway and shit like that. [24:56.7 – 24:58.1] And it would count for two days of jail. [24:58.1 – 24:58.9] You had to stay there. [24:58.9 – 25:02.6] Um, I'd relapse, so I couldn't make it through the weekend. [25:02.6 – 25:06.5] And so, um, the first weekend, I got super dope sick. [25:06.5 – 25:08.0] It was miserable. [25:08.0 – 25:15.9] And I realized after that first experience, they only search what you have in your bag, but they don't fully strip search you. [25:15.9 – 25:20.5] And so, um, I started sneaking in a research chemical. [25:20.5 – 25:25.4] It was a benzo, so I could make it through the weekend, and I did that the next weekend. [25:25.4 – 25:35.5] And I thought, “Well, if I can sneak in a benzo, I can smeak- sneak in heroin.” Um, “So I might as well do that and sneak my phone in 'cause why not?” And so [25:35.5 – 25:39.0] I took too much of the benzo the first morning, and I blacked out. [25:39.0 – 25:43.5] I went up to the vending machine, and I pulled out my phone right next to the deputies. [25:43.5 – 25:47.2] And they said, “What the fuck is that?” And I dropped it. [25:47.2 – 25:47.5] Oh my God. [25:47.5 – 25:50.8] And I kicked it under the vending machine, thinking I was stealthy. [25:50.8 – 25:54.5] And this was all told to me prior when I later go to jail. [25:54.5 – 25:56.8] I get there, uh, 'cause I was blacked out. [25:56.8 – 25:58.7] Um, they sat me down. [25:58.7 – 26:03.1] They're like, “Oh, we don't know what to do with you.” Like, “We'll be back.” Like, “Just stay here. [26:03.1 – 26:06.0] You might be going home.” And I was like, “Sweet,” you know? [26:06.0 – 26:11.2] And, uh, someone came up to me, and they said they're gonna search everything. [26:11.2 – 26:14.0] So I went to the bathroom, and I shot dope. [26:14.0 – 26:17.3] And, uh, I walked out of the bathroom, and I collapsed onto the ground. [26:17.3 – 26:24.8] Um, and I had to be hit with the legal limit of Narcan, and I had to be hit with adrenaline 'cause my heart had completely stopped. [26:24.8 – 26:27.1] Um, they took me to the hospital. [26:27.1 – 26:28.9] Then they took me right to jail. [26:28.9 – 26:32.4] Um, and I woke up in jail. [26:32.4 – 26:34.3] I didn't know how I got there. [26:34.3 – 26:36.7] The last thing I remember was going to work enders. [26:36.7 – 26:46.7] Um, I went up to, for med count, you know, and I told my last name to the lady, and she goes, “Oh, I remember you.” And I was like, “I don't remember you.” [26:47.3 – 26:47.5] You know? [26:47.5 – 26:54.8] She's like, “Oh, I'm the one that took you to the hospital.” And I was like, “I went to the hospital?” She's like, “Yeah, check your arm.” And I still had the band on. [26:54.8 – 27:04.8] And I was like, “Why'd I go to the hospital?” She's like, “You fucking overdosed.” And I was like, “Oh, shit.” You know, and then I went to the deputies, and I was like, “Why am I even here?” Um, and he's like, “You'll find out [27:04.8 – 27:06.4] in video court.” Oh. [27:06.4 – 27:10.6] And so, uh, I went to video court, and I had two class four felonies. [27:10.6 – 27:12.8] I had an introduction charge and a possession charge. [27:12.8 – 27:19.5] Um, I, for some reason, had two Dilaudid in my pocket when I went into work enders that I had no idea about. [27:19.5 – 27:26.2] Um, and so if I didn't have those, I wouldn't have caught any charges, but with those, I got the introduction and the possession charge. [27:26.2 – 27:26.6] Mm-hmm. [27:26.6 – 27:31.2] Um, so I sat in county for 44 days, and I got out. [27:31.2 – 27:34.1] Um, and it was right back to it. [27:34.1 – 27:35.6] You know, it was the only thing I knew. [27:35.6 – 27:37.6] Bam, shooting dope right off the bat. [27:37.6 – 27:47.7] Um, probably a month out or two months out, I don't even know, um, I had my third overdose, and this time, [27:47.7 – 27:49.7] the buddy I was with left me to die. [27:49.7 – 27:55.3] Um, I was in my bedroom at my mom's house, and it was about 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. [27:55.3 – 28:00.3] And she woke up from a deep sleep and f- for some reason knew something was wrong. [28:00.3 – 28:06.0] And she came into my bedroom and found me on the floor, um, completely blue. [28:06.0 – 28:08.9] And so she started doing CPR. [28:08.9 – 28:10.3] She called the ambulance. [28:10.3 – 28:13.5] Um, and they came, hit me with Narcan. [28:13.5 – 28:16.7] I went to the hospital, and this time, I didn't get out so quick. [28:16.7 – 28:25.2] Um, I had shot so much that when the Narcan wore off, my heart rate dropped really, really low, and they were not able to discharge me until my heart rate steadied. [28:25.2 – 28:27.0] So I spent the night in the hospital. [28:27.0 – 28:32.7] Um, and that was, like, a defining factor in my use. [28:32.7 – 28:42.8] Um, you know, I remember waking up from that overdose and seeing the expression on my mom's face, and it was like, it was like she was preparing [28:42.8 – 28:44.7] for me to die, you know? [28:44.7 – 28:51.0] And I remember waking up in the hospital and, like, her not being there, and I thought that was weird, you know. [28:51.0 – 28:59.6] Like, “Why, why isn't she, she here with me?” And I got out of the hospital, and I walked home, and, um, I talked to her for a little bit. [28:59.6 – 29:08.3] And, you know, she, she said, “It hurts too much to love you.” Um, and that, like, rocked me to my core. [29:08.3 – 29:14.8] Um, you know, my addiction had always been about myself, and I had never thought about anybody but myself. [29:14.8 – 29:23.9] And that was, like, the first time that I, like, realized that, you know, my use, my drug use has impacts on people that I love, right? [29:23.9 – 29:28.5] Um, and really the only person that has been there through all of this, um… [29:28.5 – 29:35.4] You know, I didn't really mention this, but, you know, with the whole thing with my stepdad, you know, I'd use that against my mom. [29:35.4 – 29:37.4] That's why she hadn't kicked me out. [29:37.4 – 29:39.9] That's why she stuck with all my relapses, you know. [29:39.9 – 29:41.7] I'd, like, use that against her. [29:41.7 – 29:46.8] Um, and I'd, I guess I just, like, came to this moment of realization and… [29:46.8 – 29:56.9] You know, I was talking with my mom's roommate, smoking a cigarette, and he was, like, walking me through, like, how, you know, she was screaming on the phone, crying, like, beating my [29:56.9 – 30:00.6] chest, just telling the paramedics, like, “He's not gonna wake up. [30:00.6 – 30:07.4] He's not gonna wake up.” Um, and so, you know, I became willing to, like, try something different. [30:07.4 – 30:12.8] And, uh, probably a month after that, you know, I was still getting high. [30:12.8 – 30:15.2] I became willing to, like, go to treatment. [30:15.2 – 30:18.4] Um, and my mom, like, helped find me treat- [30:18.5 – 30:19.2] Treatment centers. [30:19.2 – 30:23.8] And, um, I had been popping hot UAs out on bond. [30:23.8 – 30:33.8] And so with a little nudge from my pre-trial officer, um, you know, she told me, she's like, “You have seven days to get in a treatment center.” And so that seventh day, I walked into a treatment center. [30:33.8 – 30:37.5] Um, that was August 1st, 2016. [30:37.5 – 30:41.0] So my sobriety date is August 2nd, 2016. [30:41.0 – 30:46.2] Um, and, uh, you know, I was just willing. [30:46.2 – 30:49.7] Uh, I, I didn't wanna live that way anymore. [30:49.7 – 30:52.1] And I don't know what clicked. [30:52.1 – 30:58.2] I don't know what makes someone hit a bottom, but for some reason, my heart had been softened. [30:58.2 – 31:04.3] And with the right circumstances, you know, like I was able to get plugged in and connected. [31:04.3 – 31:07.2] My first two weeks there, this guy came and spoke. [31:07.2 – 31:11.5] He had my story, and I went up and asked him to sponsor me. [31:11.5 – 31:14.0] Um, he's still my sponsor to this day. [31:14.0 – 31:23.9] Um, yeah, I mean, I did, I did 28 days in that treatment center, and I transferred to a three-month treatment center where I ended up doing four months for trauma work. [31:23.9 – 31:26.6] Um, and I just started on my step work. [31:26.6 – 31:34.9] Um, you know, like I, I, I always share this, like I didn't stick around these rooms 'cause I wanted a sponsor. [31:34.9 – 31:37.9] I didn't stick around these rooms 'cause I wanna do a fucking four-step. [31:37.9 – 31:46.4] Like I stuck around these rooms 'cause I found some hope, and I listened to these people who used and thought and felt like me and didn't anymore, right? [31:46.4 – 31:51.8] And that gave me some hope that maybe like, if I do this thing, like I don't have to be fucking miserable anymore. [31:51.8 – 31:53.8] And so that's why I stuck around. [31:53.8 – 32:04.2] Um, my second week in AspenRidge, the second treatment center, um, my therapist came to me and, uh, she was like, [32:04.2 – 32:05.9] “You know, you have one of two options. [32:05.9 – 32:16.1] Um, you know, with your stepdad still being a gymnastics coach and a school teacher,” she's like, “I have to report.” She's like, “I can call the cops, or you can call the cops.” Um, [32:16.1 – 32:18.7] and I lost my fucking mind, of course. [32:18.7 – 32:23.3] Uh, she gave me 24 hours, which was good 'cause I needed a deadline. [32:23.3 – 32:26.5] Um, and that next day I told her that I would call the cops. [32:26.5 – 32:29.4] And so I called the cops on my stepdad. [32:29.4 – 32:30.6] This was a Friday. [32:30.6 – 32:33.3] Um, that Wednesday he was arrested. [32:33.3 – 32:38.4] Um, and he was on the front page of all of our newspapers. [32:38.4 – 32:42.0] Uh, he was on, you know, Fox 31, 9 News. [32:42.0 – 32:51.1] Um, you know, he was, you know, he had been a gymnastics coach at this point for over 30 years and a school teacher, you know, so it was a big deal. [32:51.1 – 32:56.2] Um, I was blessed to be in a treatment center, so I was protected from all that. [32:56.2 – 32:59.1] Um, I had really good people around me. [32:59.1 – 33:01.6] I had a great therapist to kind of get me through that. [33:01.6 – 33:03.1] I did a lot of trauma work. [33:03.1 – 33:07.5] Um, and at the same time, like I did my step work, right? [33:07.5 – 33:08.5] And that was like huge. [33:08.5 – 33:14.0] So like I got to learn about like this trauma and kind of how to get through it, which was huge for me. [33:14.0 – 33:18.8] But at the same time, like I got to look at like, what does my addiction look like, right? [33:18.8 – 33:21.0] Like what is my first step, right? [33:21.0 – 33:31.0] And like my first step, like that was huge for me because before like I thought, I either thought everyone felt this way when they used drugs and alcohol and they were just stronger than me, or I [33:31.0 – 33:32.6] was just abnormal from everyone. [33:32.6 – 33:39.2] I had no idea like this, the difference between like obsession and like, you know, craving, right? [33:39.2 – 33:41.5] When I put a drug in my body, I crave it. [33:41.5 – 33:45.9] But even when you take that drug away from me, I obsess about it, right? [33:45.9 – 33:48.0] And that's what makes me a drug addict, right? [33:48.0 – 33:49.5] You can take the dope away from me. [33:49.5 – 33:55.0] I can get sober, but then I obsess, and that doesn't go away until I get high again, right? [33:55.0 – 33:56.9] And like that's what makes me a fucking drug addict. [33:56.9 – 33:59.0] Like that's my first step, right? [33:59.0 – 34:09.1] Um, you know, and then I gotta go through like my second and third step and, uh, you know, like I grew up Christian, but I didn't really [34:09.1 – 34:09.6] believe it. [34:09.6 – 34:10.9] I had resentments at God. [34:10.9 – 34:13.5] I didn't, I didn't want God to be a part of this program. [34:13.5 – 34:15.2] I wish he didn't have to be, right? [34:15.2 – 34:17.7] I wish you could leave that higher power shit to the side. [34:17.7 – 34:21.3] But I realized that it was like very important. [34:21.3 – 34:29.7] And so, you know, I just formed this wacky, you know, idea of what my higher power looked like, and I just did what my sponsor said. [34:29.7 – 34:31.8] I just, you know, he had me do the shoe trick. [34:31.8 – 34:33.8] I took my shoes off at night, put it under my bed. [34:33.8 – 34:34.9] I got on my knees, I prayed. [34:34.9 – 34:37.5] When I got up and put my shoes on, I got on my knees, I prayed. [34:37.5 – 34:44.3] You know, and for a long time, I didn't even say like, “Dear God,” or, “Higher Power,” you know, I just said, you know, like, “Thanks for keeping me sober. [34:44.3 – 34:47.8] Keep me sober.” It's like all I could do for a while, you know? [34:47.8 – 34:52.5] Um, but through that, like I formed this connection eventually. [34:52.5 – 34:56.8] And, uh, you know, like my third step was just a commitment to finish the steps. [34:56.8 – 34:58.2] That's all it was for me. [34:58.2 – 35:04.9] It was like, you know, I'm just gonna give these steps a shot, and if my life gets better, then like I'll run with it, you know? [35:04.9 – 35:12.4] Um, and so then I got to my fourth step and started writing down my resentments and going through all that. [35:12.4 – 35:17.3] Um, and at the same time, this was when my c- uh, stepdad's court hearings came about. [35:17.3 – 35:23.5] And so, um, you know, he was fighting the case initially. [35:23.5 – 35:25.2] My brother came forward as well. [35:25.2 – 35:27.3] So he decided to take a plea deal. [35:27.3 – 35:30.6] And so I got to go to his sentencing, and I got to read a whole thing. [35:30.6 – 35:33.2] Um, it was very powerful for me. [35:33.2 – 35:35.1] I was like in the midst of my fourth step. [35:35.1 – 35:43.3] Um, so I had a lot of anger and resentment, and, um, I got to get a lot of that out in the courtroom and address him specifically. [35:43.3 – 35:48.9] Um, and I got to walk away from the court stand, you know, feeling 1,000 pounds lighter. [35:48.9 – 35:56.0] Uh, it was really important and, uh, just a really good experience for me. [35:56.0 – 36:00.2] Um, you know, I didn't– The outcome wasn't what I wanted, right? [36:00.2 – 36:04.7] He got 90 days in jail for five years of my life and two years of my brother's life. [36:04.7 – 36:10.6] Um, I don't think that's justice, but I, that's not why I was there, right? [36:10.6 – 36:17.2] Um, and so I got to walk out of that courtroom, you know, you know, finding some relief around that. [36:17.2 – 36:20.4] And then a couple weeks later, you know, I got to do my fifth step. [36:20.4 – 36:21.6] And, uh [36:22.2 – 36:25.6] You know, my fifth step for me wasn't anything crazy. [36:25.6 – 36:29.8] You know, it was just like, “Yo, dude, like, you got these character defects.” Right? [36:29.8 – 36:30.8] Like, “Let's take a look at them. [36:30.8 – 36:35.8] Let's work on them.” You know, and my sponsor had me have my defects and my assets, right? [36:35.8 – 36:38.3] And then he had, like, my fears and what God would have me do. [36:38.3 – 36:39.9] And then he had, like, my sex and relationship. [36:39.9 – 36:41.7] I had my life ideal, right? [36:41.7 – 36:44.2] So after I fifth step, every day I read my assets. [36:44.2 – 36:47.3] Every day I read what God would have me do instead, and I read my life ideal. [36:47.3 – 36:47.6] Mm. [36:47.6 – 36:47.8] Right? [36:47.8 – 36:54.5] So I focused on the positive and instead of, like, not living in defect, I lived in asset, right? [36:54.5 – 37:02.2] Um, you know, and then I went through, like, a six and seven and, uh, I think those steps, you know, have a lot of weight and power to them. [37:02.2 – 37:12.2] 'Cause we're pretty much saying, like, these defects that I built for a reason, that were my defense mechanism, like, higher power, take these away from me and, like, make me the most useful [37:12.2 – 37:14.1] I can to others, right? [37:14.1 – 37:17.0] And that's, like, really powerful work right there. [37:17.0 – 37:25.1] Um, and so yeah, you know, I did my six and seven and it was good, and I made it to my eight and nine. [37:25.1 – 37:30.0] And, you know, my eighth step I just wrote down all these people I had harmed and became willing to make amends to them. [37:30.0 – 37:37.7] And, um, you know, with my ninth step, like, the biggest thing that I learned from my ninth was, like, just to shut the fuck up. [37:37.7 – 37:40.1] Um, you know, I thought it. [37:40.1 – 37:44.3] I was gonna go in, I was gonna sit down, and I was gonna tell you how I harmed you, right? [37:44.3 – 37:45.9] Let me tell you how I harmed you. [37:45.9 – 37:48.9] Let's make this all better, and then I'm gonna leave, right? [37:48.9 – 37:51.4] But, like, I learned, like, that's not the case. [37:51.4 – 37:53.9] Like, I really have no fucking idea how I harmed you. [37:53.9 – 37:57.5] I can assume, I can think I do, but I really don't, you know? [37:57.5 – 38:07.6] And so, like, when I sat down with my mom, um, you know, I told her all these things, and my sponsor said, “Shut the fuck up.” So I shut the fuck up, and she started talking, and I, like, learned all these things [38:07.6 – 38:08.9] I had no idea about. [38:08.9 – 38:14.1] You know, like how she has night terrors of me being dead, how she would go through her day and she'll have panic attacks. [38:14.1 – 38:18.3] Every time her phone rings she thinks I'm in jail or dead, right? [38:18.3 – 38:20.0] Like, I just thought, “Yeah, I stole some money. [38:20.0 – 38:22.2] You probably stressed a little bit.” Right? [38:22.2 – 38:26.7] Like, I had no fucking idea, like, the misery and the terror that I put my mom through. [38:26.7 – 38:27.5] Right? [38:27.5 – 38:36.0] And through doing that ninth step, like, I got to form this beautiful relationship with my mom and, um, you know, I get, I gotta come out here and visit her, which is super cool. [38:36.0 – 38:43.5] Um, Colorado's marriage laws are all fucked up, so when she went through her divorce, uh, my stepdad took the house from her. [38:43.5 – 38:50.6] Um, and, you know, he was a pedophile and a convicted felon, so he couldn't make money, so he got it all. [38:50.6 – 38:53.9] And my mom, you know, worked, so she didn't get anything. [38:53.9 – 38:54.7] Mm. [38:54.7 – 38:57.6] And, uh, and so but I gotta be there for her, right? [38:57.6 – 39:00.7] Like, my mom called me and, like, told me about her problems. [39:00.7 – 39:08.2] I'm like, I gotta, like, walk her through that and say, like, “It's gonna be okay.” Um, you know, and, like, that's a direct result from, like, doing my ninth step. [39:08.2 – 39:13.4] I gotta, like, build a relationship with my mom again, um, which is beautiful. [39:13.4 – 39:17.7] Um, yeah, and then, you know, 10, 11, and 12. [39:17.7 – 39:22.3] Do this daily reprieve every day, and I find time for prayer and meditation. [39:22.3 – 39:24.7] Um, I'm not the best at prayer. [39:24.7 – 39:26.0] I've had ups and downs. [39:26.0 – 39:28.7] But I'm huge on meditation. [39:28.7 – 39:36.1] Um, you know, I have extreme anxiety and depression and, uh, you know, my first year I was on medication and I got off of it. [39:36.1 – 39:43.9] And, you know, I found for me, um, meditation was the best thing to curb that, especially my anxiety. [39:43.9 – 39:49.9] You know, if I take five minutes in the morning and meditate, I find I'm less anxious through the day. [39:49.9 – 39:53.3] Um, so that was very huge for me. [39:53.3 – 40:02.2] Um, you know, and then my 12th step, you know, right when I, you know, went through my steps, I immediately started sponsoring, and so I took other guys through the work. [40:02.2 – 40:03.8] Um, and I think that's huge. [40:03.8 – 40:07.0] You know, if you go through a set of steps you need to sponsor other people. [40:07.0 – 40:08.3] Like, that's the point to this. [40:08.3 – 40:13.4] Um, and that's where my sobriety has, like, really grown and I've learned the most. [40:13.4 – 40:20.3] You know, taking someone through the work, like, that's when you really learn about the book, um, and, like, what these things mean. [40:20.3 – 40:23.2] Um, and it's just a beautiful experience. [40:23.2 – 40:26.9] You get to watch, like, the light come on in, like, these sponsees' eyes, right? [40:26.9 – 40:27.7] And them get it. [40:27.7 – 40:29.8] Um, and it's just really cool. [40:29.8 – 40:31.6] And so, you know. [40:31.6 – 40:34.3] And all service is like that, you know? [40:34.3 – 40:39.4] Service is, like, the biggest part of my program probably today, right? [40:39.4 – 40:47.9] Um, you know, I'm very selfish and I like to sit in my own will, and, like, the only way to combat that is, like, get out of my own fucking way and, like, be of service, right? [40:47.9 – 40:50.8] So you sponsor other people, you get a service commitment. [40:50.8 – 40:52.1] Whatever that looks like, right? [40:52.1 – 40:52.7] That's, like… [40:52.7 – 40:54.5] Or be of service not even in the rooms. [40:54.5 – 40:56.6] You just help people, right? [40:56.6 – 41:01.0] Um, you know, that's probably, like, the biggest piece of my sobriety today. [41:01.0 – 41:03.6] Um, you know, and I have a really great life today. [41:03.6 – 41:04.4] I have a good job. [41:04.4 – 41:05.3] I'm back in school. [41:05.3 – 41:07.0] I graduate in a year. [41:07.0 – 41:13.1] You know, I have a girlfriend that I've been with for, you know, almost two years that it's, like, healthy, you know? [41:13.1 – 41:15.5] I didn't know what that looked like, right? [41:15.5 – 41:17.4] I'd only had unhealthy relationships. [41:17.4 – 41:20.1] And so, like, we're open and we communicate and we talk. [41:20.1 – 41:24.8] And, um, you know, I still have my sponsor. [41:24.8 – 41:26.2] I'm super close with him. [41:26.2 – 41:35.4] You know, like, I'm big in the program and fellowship and, you know, I just have this beautiful life today, and it's just a direct result from, like, doing the work, right? [41:35.4 – 41:41.6] You know, so if you're new and you're struggling, you know, get a sponsor, work the steps. [41:41.6 – 41:48.9] Um, you know, it's not just worked for me, it's, like, worked for thousands and thousands of other people, you know? [41:48.9 – 41:53.3] And there's, like, a good chance that it can probably work for you if you give it a shot, right? [41:53.3 – 41:57.4] Like, heroin's not going anywhere, right? [41:57.4 – 42:02.3] You know, so if you're miserable and you want a different life, you know, get a sponsor, try to work the steps. [42:02.3 – 42:03.7] Like, you can go back. [42:03.7 – 42:06.2] It's always gonna be there, right? [42:06.2 – 42:07.9] So just try this different way of life. [42:07.9 – 42:10.9] Um, you know, and things can be 100% different. [42:10.9 – 42:17.7] But, um, you know, thanks for having me and super excited I got to share my story in New York. [42:17.7 – 42:18.8] But, uh, that's all I got.