Transcript

[00:14.9 – 00:15.3] Hey, everyone. [00:15.3 – 00:16.7] My name is Chris. [00:16.7 – 00:17.5] I'm a heroin addict. [00:17.5 – 00:21.9] I'm also short. [00:21.9 – 00:32.0] First of all, I'd like to thank Ian for, for having me here and placing this recording [00:32.0 – 00:32.6] device here. [00:32.6 – 00:40.7] And I also think he's going, going to great lengths to try to find a bottle of water for me for in a few minutes when my mouth gets dry. [00:40.7 – 00:42.3] Um, thanks, Ian. [00:42.3 – 00:49.0] Um, if you're a heroin addict, you and I are alike in many ways, I think. [00:49.0 – 00:59.2] Um, my hope is just to kind of stand up here and, and tell you about what happened to me because I think that, [00:59.2 – 01:03.6] um, and this is especially aimed toward the people that said they were relatively new in the room. [01:03.6 – 01:13.7] I think that walking into rooms like this, whether they were AA or HA or CA, but especially Heroin Anonymous, were the best decision I ever [01:13.7 – 01:17.2] made, and certainly the most influential decision I ever made in my entire life. [01:17.2 – 01:23.8] And they were to pave the way for a lot of the success that I've, uh, achieved, whether I have meant to achieve it or not. [01:23.8 – 01:29.7] So, so I was born. [01:29.7 – 01:30.6] There I was. [01:30.6 – 01:39.5] Uh, you know, I, I don't know if anybody else has this sort of feeling, but when I was, when I was very young, I always felt out of place. [01:39.5 – 01:41.3] Like, it didn't matter where I was. [01:41.3 – 01:43.7] I just kind of felt like an alien. [01:43.7 – 01:46.3] Um, I just didn't feel right in my own skin. [01:46.3 – 01:49.1] I don't mean to sound like cliché with that sort of thing. [01:49.1 – 01:54.0] I, I often hear a similar story from people in the rooms, but that's just how I was. [01:54.0 – 01:56.3] Um, I remember my first drink. [01:56.3 – 01:59.3] Uh, I think it was, uh, Coors Light. [01:59.3 – 02:07.6] So I'm from, um, Baltimore, Maryland, and if you're familiar with Maryland, you know people like to eat blue crabs. [02:07.6 – 02:10.7] And when they eat blue crabs, they like to drink beer with it. [02:10.7 – 02:10.8] Yeah. [02:10.8 – 02:10.9] Mm-hmm. [02:10.9 – 02:12.7] And my family was no different. [02:12.7 – 02:20.3] So they would sit around a table and roll out all the newspaper with the crabs on it, and, and they used to, uh, drink a lot of beer and get pretty wasted. [02:20.3 – 02:24.4] And drinking in my family was common practice, certainly an everyth– everyday thing. [02:24.4 – 02:34.7] And, um, when I was eight or so, I think I had a sip of Coors Light, and I don't recall having [02:34.7 – 02:37.5] any sort of craving associated with this. [02:37.5 – 02:39.2] I mean, I was eight, you know? [02:39.2 – 02:42.9] I didn't get up the next day and break into a liquor store or anything like that. [02:42.9 – 02:48.4] Um, eventually, that was to change, but, but certainly not at that age. [02:48.4 – 02:54.4] Um, as time went on, I, uh, I continued to feel weird, you know? [02:54.4 – 03:04.1] And as I got older, and I started to question who I was, um, you know, relative to others, there was just a big question mark for, like, a really, really, really long time. [03:04.1 – 03:10.3] And, uh, and I think the first place that I found any sort of identity was with drugs and alcohol, right? [03:10.3 – 03:18.1] Like, and I think that's a common story for, for people in, in these rooms is this kind of lack of identity, but that was certainly the case for me. [03:18.1 – 03:21.5] So here's what happened is I started drinking when I got into high school. [03:21.5 – 03:27.9] I, I moved from Maryland to Virginia, and it was time to sort of set my identity, if you will. [03:27.9 – 03:31.5] And I was gonna be the guy that liked to fucking party, you know? [03:31.5 – 03:34.5] And I wanted to drink everybody under the table. [03:34.5 – 03:42.4] Like, I wanted to do more beer bongs and, like, you know, I wanted– I would go around a table full of people and just go shot for shot with every single person. [03:42.4 – 03:45.5] Now, I'm not saying that, you know, I could do that for very long. [03:45.5 – 03:51.9] I certainly ended up passed out under the table before anybody else was even drunk, but that's how things kind of went. [03:51.9 – 03:54.4] I just wanted to be, like, the best at drinking. [03:54.4 – 03:57.0] And after that, it kind of led into more things. [03:57.0 – 04:02.7] And I think in general, I kind of followed the same trajectory that a lot of us do. [04:02.7 – 04:08.4] You know, I don't want to say that marijuana was like a gateway drug necessarily, but it kind of was for me. [04:08.4 – 04:11.7] I moved from drinking to smoking weed, selling a lot of weed. [04:11.7 – 04:15.5] Um, and I had a good time selling drugs. [04:15.5 – 04:17.9] It made me, like, the guy, you know? [04:17.9 – 04:21.4] And now I'm kind of even more solidifying, like, who, who I am. [04:21.4 – 04:29.1] You know, thinking back to that time, it was almost more of like a recreational phase, I guess. [04:29.1 – 04:33.6] Like, I did a lot of coke, smoked a lot of crack, drank a lot of Robitussin. [04:33.6 – 04:35.0] Did a lot of acid. [04:35.0 – 04:37.9] Uh, you know, did a lot of whippets and stuff like that. [04:37.9 – 04:46.2] I basically– I hear a lot of people say that they just did, you know, they had a line, and then they kept crossing that line. [04:46.2 – 04:48.5] And that just wasn't the case for me. [04:48.5 – 04:50.9] Like, there was no line ever. [04:50.9 – 04:52.2] There was never a line. [04:52.2 – 04:54.2] I did whatever came in my way. [04:54.2 – 04:55.0] That's what I did. [04:55.0 – 04:57.7] But there are some things that are more rare than others. [04:57.7 – 05:07.9] So eventually, I started finding these more rare things, and, um, and I started hanging out with people that, uh, were also in, in, uh, seek of those things [05:07.9 – 05:08.9] as well. [05:08.9 – 05:13.8] Um, I started hanging out with a, a family, and this is just my story. [05:13.8 – 05:17.1] I started hanging out with a family who rarely left the house. [05:17.1 – 05:27.3] Um, and, uh, they were all addicted to OxyContin and, and other painkillers, and they had kind of a crooked doctor or two that used to supply, supply [05:27.3 – 05:27.8] those things. [05:27.8 – 05:31.5] And I moved in with them, and, uh, everything was fun. [05:31.5 – 05:33.7] You know, we kind of dealt drugs out of this house. [05:33.7 – 05:36.6] Like, it was, uh, exciting, honestly. [05:36.6 – 05:43.6] And I copped a habit, and that's when I first figured out, like, what that really meant. [05:43.6 – 05:47.4] But it didn't, it didn't really have that many consequences with it, you know? [05:47.4 – 05:57.4] I, um, like many of us, I think, uh, one day the doctor wasn't [05:57.4 – 05:57.9] available. [05:57.9 – 05:59.7] One day the OxyContin wasn't available. [05:59.7 – 06:01.2] Their oxycodone wasn't available. [06:01.2 – 06:03.2] I couldn't even find any Vicodin. [06:03.2 – 06:10.3] And those other people, they didn't really leave the house, but I was like, “No, fuck it.” I knew, I knew that heroin could solve this problem. [06:10.3 – 06:11.6] So I drove to the nearest city. [06:11.6 – 06:15.8] I think at that time, I think at that time it was probably Richmond, Virginia, or maybe Baltimore. [06:15.8 – 06:18.9] And, and I just went and copped on the corner, right? [06:18.9 – 06:20.8] Got a little bit of dope. [06:20.8 – 06:28.1] Just figured, you know, I'd sniff that, see how things went, go back to the OxyContin, but man, it was good. [06:28.1 – 06:38.2] Now, along with that feeling of not having much of an identity, I can tell you that for my whole life, I've always [06:38.2 – 06:48.3] felt depressed, miserable, hateful, um, a certain level of contempt for, for both myself and just like the [06:48.3 – 06:50.0] rest of mankind. [06:50.0 – 06:56.3] I mean, when you leave me alone and I don't have drugs and I don't have alcohol, this is just my baseline state. [06:56.3 – 06:58.9] And that's just always have been how it is. [06:58.9 – 07:05.8] You know, I'm not saying it's necessarily like that for everybody else, but man, when I did, when I did a little bit of heroin, it took that problem away. [07:05.8 – 07:08.3] It was my medicine for sure. [07:08.3 – 07:14.2] And I knew that I was going to have to just continue using heroin over and over and over. [07:14.2 – 07:20.8] Now, I wasn't, I wasn't aware of the consequences that that would bring, but I knew that I loved it. [07:20.8 – 07:29.0] So like many of us, I think, I tried things in order to stop. [07:29.0 – 07:38.8] Some of those things, and the reason I say this is because in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, they, they basically give examples of things that they tried to do in order to stop. [07:38.8 – 07:40.9] And here's some of the things I tried to do in order to stop. [07:40.9 – 07:44.4] First of all, uh, I remember this pretty clear. [07:44.4 – 07:54.4] Um, I remember it being a Monday and me saying to myself, “I'm only going to shoot dope on Mondays.” And like, I know [07:54.4 – 07:59.8] that that seems a little bit weird, but like it seemed like a reasonable plan at the time. [07:59.8 – 08:06.3] The next day on Tuesday, I was like, “Well, I'm only going to shoot dope on Mondays and Tuesdays.” You know? [08:06.3 – 08:17.1] The next day I was like, “I'm only going to shoot dope on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays because three out of seven days of the week is less than fifty percent of the time.” I'm [08:17.1 – 08:18.2] never going to cop a habit. [08:18.2 – 08:19.9] Make sense? [08:19.9 – 08:23.6] Never worked out for me. [08:23.6 – 08:30.1] I would go a week and like, yeah, I'm going to kick, but like it's not really going to be that bad, you know? [08:30.1 – 08:31.9] Like I've only been using for like a week. [08:31.9 – 08:40.4] And then two weeks goes by and three weeks and like, oh well, it's as bad as before, but like it's not as bad as like these other times, right? [08:40.4 – 08:42.8] But it just never ends. [08:42.8 – 08:45.9] And every single time I would give in to that process. [08:45.9 – 08:53.7] Every single time I was separated for one reason or another, I would give in to that cycle that I thought I con-could control, but I couldn't. [08:53.7 – 08:55.6] I tried a bunch of other stuff. [08:55.6 – 09:00.4] So probably many of you are familiar with doctors. [09:00.4 – 09:10.0] You know, I tried to go to psychiatrists and therapists and, and psychologists, and I tried to receive therapy for my drug problem. [09:10.0 – 09:11.9] And I tried a lot of different medications. [09:11.9 – 09:15.9] So I tried antidepressants and, and I think psychotics. [09:15.9 – 09:20.3] Um, I tried, uh, anti-anxiety medication. [09:20.3 – 09:30.4] And I'm not telling anybody to go flush your medicine down the toilet or anything like that, but I will say that for me, none of those [09:30.4 – 09:34.2] things stopped me from shooting heroin ever. [09:34.2 – 09:44.2] So, so another a little bit more extreme thing that I did was I joined [09:44.2 – 09:44.8] the military. [09:44.8 – 09:48.0] I, uh, I joined the military. [09:48.0 – 09:50.8] I guess this was probably around two thousand and four. [09:50.8 – 09:51.9] I was nineteen years old. [09:51.9 – 09:54.0] I barely squeaked out of high school. [09:54.0 – 09:58.7] And, um, and I don't know, like life, life was pretty bad. [09:58.7 – 10:03.0] And I couldn't help but, you know– I was being forced by my family, like, “You got to do something, dude. [10:03.0 – 10:03.6] You got to do something. [10:03.6 – 10:06.4] You got to do something.” It was difficult for me to keep a steady job. [10:06.4 – 10:09.1] And, um, I was like, “Fuck it. [10:09.1 – 10:13.9] I'll try to, to join the military service.” So I tried to take the easy way out. [10:13.9 – 10:16.8] I tried to join the National Guard, right? [10:16.8 – 10:27.0] So I don't know if anybody here knows anything about the National Guard, but basically in the National Guard, like at least the plan is you go to basic training and then after [10:27.0 – 10:34.3] that you do one weekend a month and two weeks, uh, during the summer, and that's like the extent of your service. [10:34.3 – 10:40.6] Basically, you put on uniform once a month, pretend like you're a soldier for a little while, and then go back to your normal life. [10:40.6 – 10:46.4] Normal life for me is getting– is like partying pretty hard and getting fucked up, but that's the plan. [10:46.4 – 10:50.3] And I figured, well, this will pacify my entire family. [10:50.3 – 10:52.3] I can kind of get them back on my side. [10:52.3 – 10:54.1] It didn't work out all that well. [10:54.1 – 11:04.0] So basically I go to basic training and I'm kind of the type where, where I can make everything look okay on the outside. [11:04.0 – 11:06.6] For example, in, in basic training, like I did fine. [11:06.6 – 11:09.6] I did, I did well, um, I guess. [11:09.6 – 11:20.8] But when I came back, it was like immediately back to partying and my master plan of like one weekend a month, two weeks during the summer, it [11:20.8 – 11:21.5] didn't work out. [11:21.5 – 11:26.6] So within two months after basic training, I was deployed to Afghanistan. [11:26.6 – 11:36.9] So within that two months, I shot dope every fucking day trying to say, “Stop, stop, stop, dude, you got to fucking, you know, [11:36.9 – 11:38.4] go to a combat zone. [11:38.4 – 11:42.3] You don't want to be kicking dope.” And that didn't work for me. [11:42.3 – 11:52.5] You know, I remember sitting on these military planes all the way to Afghanistan, um, basically barely conscious because I drank [11:52.5 – 12:00.7] so much Robitussin and taken so many, uh, Xanax that I'm trying to like not feel myself kicking on the way, you know? [12:00.7 – 12:03.7] I mean, it was just terrible. [12:03.7 – 12:13.8] Now while I was overseas in that position, I mean things were crazy, but I could rarely use and drink like I wanted to, which also meant that I [12:13.8 – 12:16.4] spent a lot of time completely miserable. [12:16.4 – 12:20.9] Um, I have a lot of crazy stories about that time. [12:20.9 – 12:26.5] Whenever I could, I would, you know, steal people's painkillers and make alcohol and things like that. [12:26.5 – 12:31.3] That was all good, but man, I thought that this would fix me, and I think so, so did everybody else. [12:31.3 – 12:33.3] It kind of makes sense, you know? [12:33.3 – 12:36.1] If somebody has kind of a fucked up life and they're like, “You know what? [12:36.1 – 12:46.1] I'm gonna join the military,” and they go to Afghanistan, and they, like, you know, fight for their country, and they come back, I think most people around them think to themselves, “Yeah, that person [12:46.1 – 12:53.1] finally, like, cleaned themselves up.” So I came back from Afghanistan, and it was weird, you know? [12:53.1 – 12:55.4] Sometimes I would wear, like, desert camouflage. [12:55.4 – 12:59.8] At that time in our country, people were sort of especially patriotic. [12:59.8 – 13:01.9] People would buy me lunch and stuff like that. [13:01.9 – 13:03.5] I thought I was good to go. [13:03.5 – 13:05.5] My whole family thought I was good to go. [13:05.5 – 13:08.5] And I start partying pretty hard. [13:08.5 – 13:13.4] And I'm like– I said– I think within maybe the first couple weeks, I was like, “You know what? [13:13.4 – 13:23.5] I should try selling a little bit of weed like I used to in high school.” I think that, I think that day that I had that thought, I picked up a little bit of weed, sold like half [13:23.5 – 13:30.6] an ounce or something like that, and I was like, “I should do heroin again.” Just for fun. [13:30.6 – 13:33.0] 'Cause it's different now, right? [13:33.0 – 13:37.6] I'm, I'm a war veteran, you know? [13:37.6 – 13:38.9] I can control this. [13:38.9 – 13:48.8] Within six months, every single bit of money that I had saved up while being overseas was gone. [13:48.8 – 13:55.5] When I came back from Afghanistan, I had a pretty girlfriend, a car, I enrolled in college, I had a nice apartment. [13:55.5 – 13:57.1] I had everything. [13:57.1 – 14:02.9] Within six months, I was fucking homeless in every single way. [14:02.9 – 14:13.1] And I would say, so for me, at some point in this story that I kinda glossed over, I, I skipped over from, from basically snorting dope to shooting dope, and [14:13.1 – 14:16.4] that is by no means a requirement of being a heroin addict. [14:16.4 – 14:21.7] However, um, for me, it did start causing some physical complications. [14:21.7 – 14:23.3] That's approximately when that started. [14:23.3 – 14:31.3] And after that, man, after I ran out of money and stuff, that was, that was a pretty serious bottom. [14:31.3 – 14:35.6] And I mean, there were many more to come, but I, I don't know if anybody's familiar with this. [14:35.6 – 14:44.3] Do you know how it is to not have a place to sleep in and your only focus is to try, try, try to scrounge up twenty bucks a day? [14:44.3 – 14:45.7] And that's it? [14:45.7 – 14:46.7] Mm-hmm. [14:46.7 – 14:47.4] Yeah. [14:47.4 – 14:53.4] To try to be, like, gathering change to, like, see, like, a nickel on the fucking sidewalk and be like, “Oh, good. [14:53.4 – 14:58.4] At least I'm, like, a nickel closer to fucking twenty dollars.” You know? [14:58.4 – 15:00.8] That's how life is. [15:00.8 – 15:08.0] Man, I ate a lot from the, uh, from the McDonald's dollar menu during that time. [15:08.0 – 15:17.9] Um, after a while, I don't know, I just, I just ran out of steam, I guess. [15:17.9 – 15:19.3] Like, I, I don't know how else to say it. [15:19.3 – 15:23.6] Like, basically, I, I– all my credit cards were maxed out. [15:23.6 – 15:26.3] Like, I, I didn't have an apartment anymore. [15:26.3 – 15:28.2] Like I said, I was, like, totally homeless. [15:28.2 – 15:29.9] Nobody wanted to have fucking anything to do with me. [15:29.9 – 15:36.1] And I did what every hardened heroin addict does, and I, like, called my mom. [15:36.1 – 15:37.5] You know? [15:37.5 – 15:44.1] And I'm like, “Mom.” So let me tell you guys about my mom. [15:44.1 – 15:46.1] My mom is this wonderful lady. [15:46.1 – 15:50.8] My mom is this lady that's capable of, like, in my eyes, anything. [15:50.8 – 16:00.6] She's a self-made woman who just, if she says she's gonna get something done, she means it, and it's very, very likely that it's gonna get done. [16:00.6 – 16:11.1] And I called up my mom, and she's a fucking hard-ass, man, but she said to me, “I'm gonna get you sober.” And she got on Google, and she looked up, [16:11.1 – 16:16.0] uh, the rehab that claimed the best recovery rates in the entire US, right? [16:16.0 – 16:23.1] There's this place in Oklahoma, and she spends a whole bunch of money on sending me to this, like, pretty high-dollar rehab. [16:23.1 – 16:30.1] Um, and I go, and I kick again. [16:30.1 – 16:35.2] And, uh, and that place was all right. [16:35.2 – 16:45.4] You know, I, I went into that rehab and– So if you're familiar with, like, a recovery-type environment, whether it's, like, a halfway house or, [16:45.4 – 16:47.9] I mean, even in a lot of the meetings and stuff that we go to. [16:47.9 – 16:51.5] Like, I'm the dude that's gonna fucking make it. [16:51.5 – 16:56.3] I'm, like, way advanced in my program, and I'm helping you through your program. [16:56.3 – 17:01.7] Like, I'm not, like, technically allowed to sponsor you yet, but, like, I'm sponsoring you, you know? [17:01.7 – 17:06.1] Like, I'm gonna come back and work there and all that happy shit. [17:06.1 – 17:07.0] Like, that's me. [17:07.0 – 17:12.0] I like to say that if there could be a valedictorian for a rehab- I'm the guy, right? [17:12.0 – 17:14.2] I'm one of those people in rehab. [17:14.2 – 17:20.0] So I thought, you know, I thought everything was cool because I was, like, large and in charge in rehab. [17:20.0 – 17:22.8] And man, I graduated this six-month rehab. [17:22.8 – 17:26.4] I spent six months in Oklahoma, and I think everything's good to go. [17:26.4 – 17:27.3] I hop on a plane. [17:27.3 – 17:34.9] I go back to Northern Virginia, and within two hours off the plane, I had a needle in my arm. [17:34.9 – 17:38.9] But I knew this time was different. [17:38.9 – 17:43.0] I knew that I was only gonna do it once. [17:43.0 – 17:46.0] I knew it. [17:46.0 – 17:49.5] I had just done this, like, entire rehab thing. [17:49.5 – 17:52.7] Like, I had gained, I had gained control. [17:52.7 – 17:57.5] The next day, I was only gonna do it one more time, and that was it. [17:57.5 – 18:01.3] Like, seriously, I, I, it, it sounds stupid. [18:01.3 – 18:03.7] I mean, it sounds insane. [18:03.7 – 18:04.7] It is. [18:04.7 – 18:06.3] It is exactly that. [18:06.3 – 18:10.8] But every single time I believed myself when I said, “Well, I'm only gonna do it one more time. [18:10.8 – 18:12.6] I'm only gonna do it one more time. [18:12.6 – 18:18.3] I'm only gonna do it one more time,” until inevitably I gave into that same cycle again. [18:18.3 – 18:25.3] So At that time in my life, things got weird. [18:25.3 – 18:33.8] Um, in that area, in northern Virginia, there's a lot of rich people. [18:33.8 – 18:44.0] I went to, I went to high school with, like, football players' kids and politicians' kids and stuff like that, and it's just weird to shoot dope, like, in that area. [18:44.0 – 18:45.1] Take my word for it. [18:45.1 – 18:52.2] And, and, um, I was able to find this job a-as an MRI technologist aide at this hospital, right? [18:52.2 – 18:55.0] And, uh, so here's what happened. [18:55.0 – 18:55.8] Here's how that happened. [18:55.8 – 18:56.4] It's kinda funny. [18:56.4 – 19:00.3] There was this guy that was working there, and he was a veteran. [19:00.3 – 19:02.8] Apparently, he was, like, an incredible employee. [19:02.8 – 19:10.2] And they figured because I applied for the job and I was a veteran, I would also be an incredible employee. [19:10.2 – 19:15.1] So I got the job, and I started selling drugs out of the hospital. [19:15.1 – 19:21.4] And, uh, and, um, and life sucked. [19:21.4 – 19:27.3] Basically, I would regularly call out of work, and I would make trips back and forth to, uh, D.C. [19:27.3 – 19:35.0] And, um, and I wanna share kind of an interesting story with you about something happened, this, something that happened during that, that period. [19:35.0 – 19:42.0] So I, um, I'm making this trip to D.C., actually coming back from D.C. [19:42.0 – 19:52.1] with, with this friend of mine, and, uh, she says to me, “Chris, I wanna get tested.” I'm like, “Tested for what?” She says, “HIV.” And I'm like, “All [19:52.1 – 19:54.6] right.” And I told her out loud, I was like, “You know what? [19:54.6 – 20:04.7] I fucking hope that I test positive for HIV, and I'll sell my car, and, uh, and I can party like I wanna party.” And I know that's kinda [20:04.7 – 20:05.1] weird. [20:05.1 – 20:06.5] She heard that, and she cried. [20:06.5 – 20:07.5] I didn't really care. [20:07.5 – 20:09.0] Like, that was just how I felt, man. [20:09.0 – 20:14.2] I was just- -for a long time, like, living the life of a fucking junkie, you know? [20:14.2 – 20:17.9] And, uh, and that's what I was hoping for. [20:17.9 – 20:28.0] In this job, I got free health insurance, and my primary care physician in this whole setup just happened to be, like, right down the hall [20:28.0 – 20:28.7] from where I worked. [20:28.7 – 20:34.2] So one day, to pacify this friend of mine, I go in, and I get tested, right? [20:34.2 – 20:44.3] Schedule the test, come back, take the test, and then I get called back in, and I go back, and that's when I was told that I was HIV [20:44.3 – 20:44.9] positive. [20:44.9 – 20:51.7] And that was incredible, you know? [20:51.7 – 20:54.0] I never, I never expected that. [20:54.0 – 20:56.2] I knew, of course, you know. [20:56.2 – 20:58.1] I'm a fucking heroin addict. [20:58.1 – 20:59.8] I share needles with people. [20:59.8 – 21:09.4] Um, sometimes, you know, I shoot a little bit too much, and I pass out in my car, and I wake up to somebody banging on my car being like, “Get the fuck out of there,” you know? [21:09.4 – 21:11.3] Like, that kinda shit happens to me. [21:11.3 – 21:16.4] I know that it's possible for me to get HIV, but I definitely never expected that. [21:16.4 – 21:24.3] And the very first thing I did when I got that news, I guess, is that I went to my work, and I said, “I, I, uh, I got some bad news. [21:24.3 – 21:29.1] I gotta get out of here.” They let me go, and I drove straight to my drug dealer's house. [21:29.1 – 21:30.3] This dude's name was Larry. [21:30.3 – 21:33.9] And I go to Larry, and I didn't have any money, and I was like, “Listen, dude. [21:33.9 – 21:37.9] I just got this fucking news that I'm HIV positive. [21:37.9 – 21:40.3] Can I, uh… [21:40.3 – 21:44.8] Like, can you give me some, some free dope?” And he was cool. [21:44.8 – 21:46.5] He was like, “Yeah, yeah. [21:46.5 – 21:50.0] It's all good, man.” And I, and I got high, right? [21:50.0 – 21:54.9] And then I called up my mom. [21:54.9 – 22:01.5] Again, my mom, like, this, this person who's, like, larger than life, has a solution to every single problem. [22:01.5 – 22:10.7] And when I called her and told her that news, what she said to me was that it was the worst day of her life, and she wanted to kill herself. [22:10.7 – 22:17.7] And I, I, I ju- I just can't explain enough how uncharacteristic of my mother that really is. [22:17.7 – 22:27.7] And, um, and some time went on, I think maybe a couple weeks, and I had to schedule an appointment with, uh, someone called an infectious [22:27.7 – 22:28.5] disease doctor. [22:28.5 – 22:37.8] And I go to this doctor, and I bring a bunch of paperwork from my primary care physician who had administered this test. [22:37.8 – 22:48.4] And, um, I'm sitting in one of those little rooms with, like, the roll-out paper on the, the bench, and, and the doctor comes in, and he looks, like, pretty flustered. [22:48.4 – 22:55.6] Um, and he's looking through this paperwork, and he says, “Chris, um, I'm so sorry. [22:55.6 – 22:58.9] Uh, this doesn't mean that you have HIV [22:59.0 – 22:59.2] HIV. [22:59.2 – 23:01.1] They, they gave you the wrong test. [23:01.1 – 23:03.2] Oh, my God. [23:03.2 – 23:12.7] And I'm like, “Holy fuck, we should take the right test.” And, and we did right then and there. [23:12.7 – 23:14.6] He was able to administer that test. [23:14.6 – 23:24.6] And a couple, um, maybe like five or six days later, this doctor, he called me up and he said, “Chris, legally, I'm not supposed to be calling [23:24.6 – 23:25.7] you with this information. [23:25.7 – 23:27.9] I just– I, I had to call you. [23:27.9 – 23:32.8] Like, you're supposed to come into the office and get it, but I had to call you and tell you that you are not HIV positive. [23:32.8 – 23:42.8] But you will die from this disease if you continue along this path.” So I don't know what [23:42.8 – 23:50.3] kind of heroin addict you are, but the very first thing I did was I called Larry. [23:50.3 – 24:00.3] I called up Larry, and I went over there, and I was like, “Dude, great fucking news, man.” “I don't have HIV. [24:00.3 – 24:03.7] Like, can we party? [24:03.7 – 24:11.1] Can I get a l-little bit of free dope?” He obliged. [24:11.1 – 24:14.5] Um, and I got high. [24:14.5 – 24:21.4] And the reason that I tell that story is because I get high no matter what. [24:21.4 – 24:24.9] Like, in every single different scenario. [24:24.9 – 24:29.8] And for, like, years, I thought that I had reasons, and I did. [24:29.8 – 24:30.5] You know? [24:30.5 – 24:33.2] I had reasons for why I was getting high. [24:33.2 – 24:39.3] You know, I– Sometimes I got high because my stepdad beat the shit out of me and my brother. [24:39.3 – 24:43.7] Sometimes I got high because my dad left when I was young. [24:43.7 – 24:47.2] Sometimes I got high because a girl broke up with me. [24:47.2 – 24:53.9] Sometimes I got high because I got in a new relationship, and it was fucking awesome. [24:53.9 – 24:58.6] Sometimes I got high because I was raining out– because it was raining outside. [24:58.6 – 25:00.0] Really. [25:00.0 – 25:03.4] It doesn't rain that much here, but, like, in Virginia, it rains. [25:03.4 – 25:03.6] Yeah. [25:03.6 – 25:10.0] Like, I had all these reasons and, and for so long, I thought that those reasons mattered. [25:10.0 – 25:12.2] And probably at some point they did. [25:12.2 – 25:15.7] And I don't know at what point they started not mattering anymore. [25:15.7 – 25:18.6] I just know that that happened at some point. [25:18.6 – 25:21.8] And here's how I figured that out. [25:21.8 – 25:26.0] So, so not too long after that… [25:26.0 – 25:26.9] Let's see what time it is. [25:26.9 – 25:27.2] Okay. [25:27.2 – 25:37.5] Not too long after that, I, uh, I don't know, life continued to suck, I guess, and [25:37.5 – 25:43.4] I called out of work, um, again, and I was– I lived at my mom's house. [25:43.4 – 25:46.9] I was, like, in her basement, and here's what happened. [25:46.9 – 25:50.8] She– Somehow I was sleeping, which is very unlike me. [25:50.8 – 25:53.5] She found me, and she s- and she saw. [25:53.5 – 25:55.7] She saw what was going on, basically. [25:55.7 – 25:57.4] You know, she saw me. [25:57.4 – 26:02.3] I didn't have a, a shirt on, and she could see my arms, and she could see my legs. [26:02.3 – 26:08.7] So i-in my story, my arms, my legs, they were completely swollen. [26:08.7 – 26:11.3] I didn't have any more veins left to shoot into. [26:11.3 – 26:17.7] I mean, I couldn't tie my shoestrings tight because it hurt my feet too bad because my feet were too swollen. [26:17.7 – 26:24.2] Um, I had lots and lots of open abscesses by that point, and my mom saw all of it. [26:24.2 – 26:34.3] And she was probably pretty tired of washing the blood off of the, you know, the leg of my, my pants, um, once a week or so [26:34.3 – 26:41.8] and, and, uh, she did something that I had, that I had blamed her for for a long time, um, and I no longer blame her for. [26:41.8 – 26:42.7] She called the police. [26:42.7 – 26:50.1] And she said, “Please, please, please take my son away.” The police came. [26:50.1 – 26:51.2] They searched my room. [26:51.2 – 26:57.0] I think they found, or I know they found a, a little baggie that at some point contained heroin. [26:57.0 – 27:01.9] And they were able to, like, swab it and say, “Okay, this tested positive for heroin. [27:01.9 – 27:05.2] We can charge you with possession of heroin.” So they did that. [27:05.2 – 27:09.1] So they charged me with possession of heroin, and they, they bring me to jail. [27:09.1 – 27:15.4] In jail, I start– I st- I don't know. [27:15.4 – 27:16.7] I start coming off of heroin. [27:16.7 – 27:20.6] You know, it had been a long time since I really felt like I got high. [27:20.6 – 27:25.6] Basically, every day was just me, like, getting okay, not getting sick, you know? [27:25.6 – 27:36.9] Um, but man, I got locked up for a little bit, and as soon as I started coming down, I realized how much my body fucking hurt bad. [27:36.9 – 27:44.8] And, uh, I remember this, this correctional officer saying something like, “Kid, what are you fucking doing here, man? [27:44.8 – 27:50.8] This is gonna be your fucking wake-up call.” And I was like, “Yeah.” “Yeah. [27:50.8 – 27:52.7] He's right. [27:52.7 – 27:54.6] This is my wake-up call,” you know? [27:54.6 – 28:02.6] I hadn't– I had been, like, arrested, like, four times or something like that, but I, I hadn't somehow done any jail time up until then. [28:02.6 – 28:07.0] And, um, and I started making phone calls. [28:07.0 – 28:08.6] I started calling my family. [28:08.6 – 28:11.1] Nobody would pick up the phone. [28:11.1 – 28:12.4] They were completely done with me. [28:12.4 – 28:13.0] That's all right. [28:13.0 – 28:14.0] Fuck you guys. [28:14.0 – 28:18.4] I started calling my friends, who I thought were my friends. [28:18.4 – 28:21.3] Basically, just the acquaintances that I had through drug dealing, right? [28:21.3 – 28:24.5] Um, nobody wanted to have anything to do with me. [28:24.5 – 28:30.1] You know, I kinda thought that I was, you know, a highly renowned drug dealer in those parts. [28:30.1 – 28:38.8] I figured that people would be like, “Oh, I wanna get hooked up, so I'm gonna bail this guy out.” That's not how it happened. [28:38.8 – 28:43.6] The only per-person that would pick up the phone was my, my, uh, ex-girlfriend. [28:43.6 – 28:46.6] And, um, it was crazy. [28:46.6 – 28:49.6] I, I– 'cause I would be like, “Hey, you know, this guy owes us money. [28:49.6 – 28:50.6] This guy owes us money. [28:50.6 – 28:55.7] Like, like, just go, like, pick the money up from him and him and him and him.” And she'd be like, “All right, cool. [28:55.7 – 28:56.4] I'm gonna do that. [28:56.4 – 29:00.8] I'll be there by, like, noon.” At the latest, you know? [29:00.8 – 29:02.3] And this would be every single day. [29:02.3 – 29:12.5] And after noon every single fucking day, she would call me and be like, “Hey, um, they didn't have the money.” If [29:12.5 – 29:17.1] there's any of you who don't understand what that means, it means she used that fucking money to buy dope. [29:17.1 – 29:20.8] So she was going through some similar issues. [29:20.8 – 29:23.8] Um, but… [29:23.8 – 29:31.9] And I got out of jail, and it's weird. [29:31.9 – 29:32.7] It's really weird. [29:32.7 – 29:34.1] So here's how I got out of jail. [29:34.1 – 29:36.0] They, they gave me a phone book. [29:36.0 – 29:43.9] The very first number that I called, 'cause I started just, like, cold calling bondsmen, being like, “Oh, here's my situation. [29:43.9 – 29:46.3] Will you help me out?” And actually, it only took one phone call. [29:46.3 – 29:47.0] It was weird. [29:47.0 – 29:57.0] I called up this bondsman, and I explained to him, I lied to him, and I told him that I was some kind of war hero and that I picked up this habit while I was in Afghanistan, and he [29:57.0 – 29:57.6] believed me. [29:57.6 – 29:59.2] He believed me. [29:59.2 – 30:06.1] This only single person that I called actually came down to the jail and bailed me out on his own. [30:06.1 – 30:14.1] And he brought me out of there on the promise that I would give him part of the paycheck that I still had left over and let him put a lien on my, on my vehicle. [30:14.1 – 30:14.7] No, thanks, dude. [30:14.7 – 30:19.8] And, and it was weird, man. [30:19.8 – 30:30.1] He, he gave me a ride to somebody's house, and, um, I remember him explaining to me that, like, that I couldn't use anymore, and I couldn't drink anymore. [30:30.1 – 30:35.0] And I remember, like, entirely agreeing with him, that, like, I couldn't do it a little bit. [30:35.0 – 30:42.7] I couldn't do it once, that that wasn't gonna work out for me, not only, like, with heroin, but even for, like, weed and for alcohol. [30:42.7 – 30:48.6] And that was the first time I was ever like, “Yeah, I cannot do that. [30:48.6 – 30:53.6] It leads me to horrible places every single fucking time,” okay? [30:53.6 – 30:55.5] And that was different. [30:55.5 – 30:57.2] That really was different. [30:57.2 – 31:01.8] I had never previously felt like that, um, at least so intensely. [31:01.8 – 31:06.4] He dropped me off at these people's house, and, like, nobody else would talk to me. [31:06.4 – 31:10.2] I just had to go to these people's house, and I knew that they used. [31:10.2 – 31:11.5] I knew. [31:11.5 – 31:18.5] I just didn't have any other fucking place to go, and when I had called them from this bondsman's cell phone, they– I asked them if they would provide me a sober place to stay. [31:18.5 – 31:20.0] To my knowledge, they did. [31:20.0 – 31:30.4] Um, and I got there, and I sat down on their couch, and I said to them, “Let's go get high.” [31:30.4 – 31:37.8] The thing that was different this time was that I didn't even know I was gonna say it. [31:37.8 – 31:50.3] So there I am, driving to the dope man, saying in my head, “Turn around, turn around, turn around, turn around, turn around.” And [31:50.3 – 31:57.5] that was the very first time I realized that I didn't have a choice, that it didn't matter what was going on inside my head. [31:57.5 – 32:00.6] None of the justific-justification fucking mattered anymore. [32:00.6 – 32:04.3] I was going to get high, and this was my death sentence. [32:04.3 – 32:12.8] And I go and cop dope, and I shoot it up. [32:12.8 – 32:23.1] And I do that drug that is my solution to every fucking problem that has ever existed in my entire life, [32:23.1 – 32:24.0] and I hate it. [32:24.0 – 32:27.5] And it's no longer burying the depression. [32:27.5 – 32:33.0] It's no longer burying the hatred that I experience for myself and just life in general. [32:33.0 – 32:37.1] It's all right there in the front, and I still can't stop. [32:37.1 – 32:39.5] It's no longer my solution. [32:39.5 – 32:50.1] A couple weeks goes by, and this guy calls me up, um, and [32:50.1 – 32:56.9] he says to me, “Hey, you wanna come to Phoenix, Arizona?” And I'm like, “No,” and I hang up on him. [32:56.9 – 33:02.6] And, uh, I don't know. [33:02.6 – 33:07.7] I think maybe about two days later, my mom calls me up, and she, she had stopped talking to me, sorta. [33:07.7 – 33:11.9] She, she changed all the locks on the house and stuff like that. [33:11.9 – 33:13.6] I had been stealing from her quite a bit. [33:13.6 – 33:20.2] And, um- And she said to me, “Hey, like, I, I got you this plane ticket. [33:20.2 – 33:30.2] It's a one-way plane ticket to Phoenix that I really think you should take.” And, um, and I said, “What's in Phoenix?” And she said, “Well, there's a free rehab there that you can go to [33:30.2 – 33:30.8] if you want. [33:30.8 – 33:33.2] It's kind of for homeless people,” is what she said. [33:33.2 – 33:36.4] And I was like, “Okay. [33:36.4 – 33:46.4] Why are you doing this for me?” And she said that she wasn't doing it for me, that she was doing it for herself because she [33:46.4 – 33:52.8] knew that I was gonna kill myself, and she needed me to be as far away as possible when that happened. [33:52.8 – 33:58.9] I didn't have much, man. [33:58.9 – 34:02.7] Like, at that time, I'm just, like, going from couch to couch, hopefully. [34:02.7 – 34:06.0] Slept in some abandoned houses, things like that. [34:06.0 – 34:16.1] And, uh, I just didn't have any more game left, and I was like, “I better go clean up for a while.” So I take this plane ticket, and I fly to Phoenix, and [34:16.1 – 34:25.4] some dude that I don't know picks me up, and he drops me off the next morning at the, uh, Salvation Army in, in Pho– in, like, South Central Phoenix. [34:25.4 – 34:30.7] And Salvation Army, it's, like, kind of a strict program. [34:30.7 – 34:33.4] You go to Salvation Army, and you have to wear the clothing that they say to wear. [34:33.4 – 34:35.1] You have to work wherever they say to work. [34:35.1 – 34:36.7] You have to work pretty fucking hard too. [34:36.7 – 34:38.2] And you have to go to their chapel services. [34:38.2 – 34:39.7] It doesn't matter what religion you are. [34:39.7 – 34:44.0] You still have to attend, and you have to sign in and sign off for fucking everything. [34:44.0 – 34:45.8] And it's, like, kind of a strict rehab, you know? [34:45.8 – 34:49.9] But that sort of thing, for a person like me, is no problem, you know? [34:49.9 – 34:51.2] I can, I can do all that stuff. [34:51.2 – 34:52.4] I can fly under the radar. [34:52.4 – 34:53.7] I've done the military thing. [34:53.7 – 34:55.6] I've done the long-term rehab thing. [34:55.6 – 34:56.6] I can do that. [34:56.6 – 35:00.4] Now, going to this rehab was for me to clean up. [35:00.4 – 35:04.9] Um, it wasn't like a little scam I had going. [35:04.9 – 35:13.6] It wasn't like, “Yeah, like I'm gonna fucking use these people and then go out and get high.” Um, it wasn't an option to not get high. [35:13.6 – 35:23.6] I knew that my truth was that I was gonna go do this rehab, stay sober for a little while, or maybe a long while, I have no fucking idea, and then go shoot [35:23.6 – 35:24.2] heroin. [35:24.2 – 35:28.3] Because I realized that I just didn't have a choice anymore. [35:28.3 – 35:33.0] So I go to this rehab, I told you about all those rules, and they have some other rules too. [35:33.0 – 35:40.4] They say, “Well, you have to participate in these twelve-step meetings,” and they say, “You gotta get a sponsor and work these steps,” whatever that means. [35:40.4 – 35:42.5] And I had no idea what any of that meant. [35:42.5 – 35:52.5] But I go to, uh, some of these meetings that they bring in there, and I remember the first meeting, um, that I think I paid attention to at least, there [35:52.5 – 35:53.1] was this guy. [35:53.1 – 35:58.3] So there was a, there's a group in Phoenix called The Knights, who's kind of AA-affiliated. [35:58.3 – 36:08.3] And, and, um, this group brings a meeting in, and there's this guy that's chairing the meeting, and he has purple hair and shitty tattoos, and he's wearing combat boots, and I don't [36:08.3 – 36:09.0] fucking like him. [36:09.0 – 36:18.4] And he says during the meeting, “If anybody needs a sponsor, just talk to one of these guys after the meeting.” And I'm like, “All right. [36:18.4 – 36:33.0] In order to stay here, I have to get a sponsor.” So after the meeting, I walk up to this dude with the purple hair and I'm like, “Which one of these guys were you talking about?” And he's like, “I'll be your sponsor.” And I'm like, “Fuck.” And [36:33.0 – 36:36.7] um, and then he asked me what I thought was a stupid question. [36:36.7 – 36:46.7] He said, “Are you done?” Just that, “Are you done?” One of the things that I love the most about [36:46.7 – 36:51.7] Heroin Anonymous and all these twelve-step fellowships is that there are no authorities. [36:51.7 – 37:01.8] There's been many times where people ask me very similar questions and I said, “Yes, yes, yes, I'm done.” Sometimes I was lying, [37:01.8 – 37:03.9] sometimes I was telling the truth. [37:03.9 – 37:08.0] Every time I was not fucking done. [37:08.0 – 37:09.7] Every single time. [37:09.7 – 37:18.7] And this was the first time that, that I was entirely honest with that other person and myself in saying, “I don't know. [37:18.7 – 37:28.8] I have no idea.” And he gave me a cigarette and we walked outside and he said to me– He tried to explain to me why the, the program of, [37:28.8 – 37:32.4] of, uh, that was Alcoholics Anonymous at that meeting. [37:32.4 – 37:35.9] And he was like, “Here's why the program of Alcoholics Anonymous will work for you. [37:35.9 – 37:43.7] It's gonna keep you happy and sober at the same time.” That was the message that I heard from the people in the rooms too. [37:43.7 – 37:46.1] And I knew that I wasn't like you. [37:46.1 – 37:50.6] There's no such thing as happy and sober at the same time for me. [37:50.6 – 37:55.7] So I explained to him why that wouldn't work for me. [37:55.7 – 37:58.3] And he said, “Well, it doesn't matter. [37:58.3 – 38:02.1] You have to stay here anyway.” Like the rehab says that you have to do this stuff. [38:02.1 – 38:03.4] I have to sign your little sheet. [38:03.4 – 38:05.0] You have to go to these meetings. [38:05.0 – 38:07.9] They're gonna call me once a week to make sure you're doing whatever I say to do. [38:07.9 – 38:09.6] And I'm like, “All right. [38:09.6 – 38:10.5] Touché, you know. [38:10.5 – 38:13.6] Like what do you, what do you want me to do?” And it wasn't that big of a deal. [38:13.6 – 38:23.5] He said like, “Well, just crack open this book and read this paragraph and this paragraph.” And he said, “Make this list and that list and this list.” And I did all that stuff, you know, and none, none of it was that difficult. [38:23.5 – 38:28.5] He said, “Keep going to those meetings.” And in those meetings, like I heard some pretty cool stories. [38:28.5 – 38:34.9] People sounded like they were similar to me, but the only thing I couldn't relate with is the fact that they were able to be sober and happy at the same time. [38:34.9 – 38:44.4] Some time went by and I started taking the suggestions of my sponsor just, I dunno, 'cause I had nothing better to do, I guess. [38:44.4 – 38:47.4] And, and something weird happened. [38:47.4 – 38:56.3] So I, I don't– I'm not sure if the Salvation Army is still like set up like this or whatever, but on the second floor of the Salvation Army they have this little library. [38:56.3 – 39:06.3] And one day, one night right before bed, I'm up there sitting in this leather chair and, uh, I kinda just realized within myself, and this is probably g- probably going to seem insignificant to some of [39:06.3 – 39:06.4] you. [39:06.4 – 39:09.9] Certainly most of the people in the world think this is very insignificant. [39:09.9 – 39:13.2] But I realized all of a sudden that I was fine. [39:13.2 – 39:15.8] That I was just okay. [39:15.8 – 39:18.7] I was just sitting there in the chair. [39:18.7 – 39:19.8] Everything was cool. [39:19.8 – 39:21.3] I didn't hate anybody. [39:21.3 – 39:23.3] Not myself, not you. [39:23.3 – 39:24.5] I wasn't sad. [39:24.5 – 39:25.4] I wasn't depressed. [39:25.4 – 39:26.6] I wasn't suicidal. [39:26.6 – 39:28.9] I was just sitting in a fucking chair. [39:28.9 – 39:33.1] Believe it or not, that was a new experience to me. [39:33.1 – 39:42.9] And I couldn't help but make the correlation between that experience and the messages that I heard from those twelve-step fellowships. [39:42.9 – 39:53.0] Because they said that I was going to be able to achieve contentedness by doing the things that were outlined in the book [39:53.0 – 39:54.1] Alcoholics Anonymous. [39:54.1 – 39:57.7] But it was gone quick, man. [39:57.7 – 40:03.4] It was like ten minutes, fifteen minutes, and then it was back to same old hateful me, right? [40:03.4 – 40:07.8] But I couldn't, I couldn't stop thinking about it, man. [40:07.8 – 40:11.4] Like, I mean, it– I found a new solution, right? [40:11.4 – 40:16.6] Like the reason that I did heroin in the first place was to feel okay. [40:16.6 – 40:18.6] And then there it was. [40:18.6 – 40:24.5] So very, very similar to drugs and alcohol, I started doing the program. [40:24.5 – 40:30.4] And I started getting involved and I started taking more of his suggestions and I started working toward that. [40:30.4 – 40:36.7] And now that fifteen minutes or so has start– turned into quite a few days, weeks, months and years. [40:36.7 – 40:38.8] My life is completely different. [40:38.8 – 40:46.0] I think I've been sober for about ten years and nine months, something like that, right? [40:46.0 – 40:57.3] And what's ended up happening slowly is that life has gotten better, but [40:57.3 – 41:00.8] not as a result directly at least of my efforts. [41:00.8 – 41:03.9] I just do the stuff that's suggested of me in the program. [41:03.9 – 41:06.3] That's it. [41:06.3 – 41:11.8] And what I don't understand still even today is why I get so much more back. [41:11.8 – 41:20.4] Today, you know, I always wanted to be a good friend, I always wanted to be a good family member, and I always wanted to be a good employee. [41:20.4 – 41:26.2] All of these things I always wanted, I could never achieve them because I was entirely crippled by my addiction. [41:26.2 – 41:26.9] Seriously. [41:26.9 – 41:33.7] Today, it's almost like they just come, like no problem. [41:33.7 – 41:36.8] Now, there's been like hard times for sure. [41:36.8 – 41:43.8] Um, in the first little while that I was doing my steps, there was some shit that I just like wasn't willing to come off of. [41:43.8 – 41:45.0] It was embarrassing. [41:45.0 – 41:49.6] It was stuff in my sobriety that I was fucking up on real hard. [41:49.6 – 41:59.2] About four years sober, man, that caught up with me real bad, and I started becoming that same old self back, like s– like suicidal, you know? [41:59.2 – 42:09.3] And I did some really difficult amends and stuff like that, and, um, for whatever reason, I was convinced that I [42:09.3 – 42:12.6] was going to go shoot heroin again if I didn't make those things right. [42:12.6 – 42:22.8] And there's been all sorts of time points along this journey for me that have been characterized by, by these sort of [42:22.8 – 42:32.8] down points where I start relying upon myself instead of God, and then I run back to AA, I run back to HA, I run back to these twel- twelve-step fellowships [42:32.8 – 42:34.5] with my tail in between my legs. [42:34.5 – 42:38.2] And every single time that has been the right decision. [42:38.2 – 42:46.8] So today, today I'm only one step one shot away. [42:46.8 – 42:53.5] I'm a doctor. [42:53.5 – 42:59.5] I, uh, I just recently got a PhD a few months ago. [42:59.5 – 43:01.5] And no, no, no, no, no. [43:01.5 – 43:04.3] Fuck that. [43:04.3 – 43:05.8] Fuck that, man . [43:05.8 – 43:08.4] In biochemistry. [43:08.4 – 43:11.5] I have an amazing life. [43:11.5 – 43:18.4] I have the most beautiful– no offense to any of the ladies, but I have the most beautiful fiancée in the whole fucking world. [43:18.4 – 43:24.8] Um, I love my dog so much, I don't know what I'm gonna do when she dies. [43:24.8 – 43:26.7] I have a, an okay car. [43:26.7 – 43:28.9] I have an okay paying job. [43:28.9 – 43:29.8] I have stuff. [43:29.8 – 43:33.7] And I'm not gonna stand up here and be like, “Oh, none of that matters. [43:33.7 – 43:39.5] I'm like the most spiritual person on the fucking planet.” Like, it's nice, it's nice to live like comfortably, you know? [43:39.5 – 43:43.8] But, but I mean, the point is, is that I've been able to set goals and achieve them. [43:43.8 – 43:51.2] I didn't have any fucking idea that I was gonna do any of these things when I was, when I was out getting high. [43:51.2 – 44:01.6] There was no progress in any area of my life, and it's only been my efforts in these twelve-step fellowships that have allowed me to achieve [44:01.6 – 44:02.6] any of these goals. [44:02.6 – 44:14.4] So if you're new, I, I welcome you to, to Heroin Anonymous, and I wanna tell you that I have found here a [44:14.4 – 44:17.3] treasure that I just never expected. [44:17.3 – 44:21.0] I didn't know that this way of life was even available at all. [44:21.0 – 44:31.1] So there's this part in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it says that we are restlessly irritable and discontented unless we can [44:31.1 – 44:35.8] once again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once from taking a few drinks. [44:35.8 – 44:37.4] Well, for me, a shot of heroin. [44:37.4 – 44:47.5] And really, the message that I would like to convey to you tonight is that I do in fact experience the same sense of ease and comfort that comes at once from taking a shot of heroin. [44:47.5 – 44:56.9] I experience it as a result of working the program that's outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. [44:56.9 – 44:59.5] I don't know if that will be the same thing for you. [44:59.5 – 45:05.6] But many, many people I think have a similar experience. [45:05.6 – 45:09.8] Many of the people in this room have a similar experience. [45:09.8 – 45:18.6] And what's amazing to me today is that God exists not just for me, but for so many other people. [45:18.6 – 45:29.1] And every single time I see somebody else share a similar story that God did for them what they cannot do for themselves, it [45:29.1 – 45:33.9] makes God real again to me over and over and over. [45:33.9 – 45:43.5] And I hope that my story is just only one single example of that in all of the stories that you'll end up hearing in these rooms. [45:43.5 – 45:56.8] So thank you very much.