Transcript

[00:01.5 – 00:02.6] I'm Chris, I'm a heroin addict. [00:02.6 – 00:03.5] Hey, Chris. [00:03.5 – 00:05.4] It's nice to be back home tonight. [00:05.4 – 00:06.7] I'm originally from Hoover. [00:06.7 – 00:10.9] I moved to Georgia about a year and a half ago to go to treatment for like the sixth time. [00:10.9 – 00:13.0] Um, I got out and I stayed over there. [00:13.0 – 00:17.8] I don't know what it was, but coming back home was just a little harder every time I came back home to stay sober. [00:17.8 – 00:27.2] Um, I didn't stay sober over there either, but I met a girl while I was over there, and, uh, she's seen me at my highest and my lowest, hopefully my lowest. [00:27.2 – 00:36.5] Um, and no matter what I've seen her go through in this program over the last year and a half that I've known her, I've seen her struggle, um, I've seen her do real well. [00:36.5 – 00:45.3] Um, I've seen her deal with deaths in her family, and no matter what, I've seen her trust this process, trust the steps, and trust in God. [00:45.3 – 00:49.4] Um, and that's probably the thing I look up to her the most. [00:49.4 – 00:52.2] Um, she motivate, mo- motivates me every day. [00:52.2 – 00:57.3] Um, we definitely work separate programs, and I think that's key to us being together. [00:57.3 – 00:59.4] But no matter what, I see her fall back on God. [00:59.4 – 01:05.3] Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, she'll suffer a little bit, but no matter what, she falls back on it and she gets back where she wants to be. [01:05.3 – 01:06.3] With that, I give you Lauren. [01:06.3 – 01:16.3] I am Lauren, and [01:16.3 – 01:17.5] I am a heroin addict. [01:17.5 – 01:18.5] Hey, Lauren. [01:18.5 – 01:23.3] Um, my sobriety date is February 27th, 2014. [01:23.3 – 01:32.3] Um, I just celebrated my two years, and I could never have done it without this program. [01:32.3 – 01:37.3] Um, I have a sponsor who has a sponsor. [01:37.3 – 01:39.0] I sponsor other women. [01:39.0 – 01:41.3] Um, I remain teachable. [01:41.3 – 01:47.7] I participate in this program as if my life depends upon it, because it does. [01:47.7 – 01:58.0] Um, I wanna open up and just read a little bit about my experience that I really relate to in the Big Book, and then, [01:58.0 – 02:00.7] um, I'm gonna talk about myself for about an hour. [02:00.7 – 02:04.1] Um, which is awesome 'cause I love talking about myself. [02:04.1 – 02:07.0] Um Yeah. [02:07.0 – 02:16.4] So, uh, the first thing I wanna read is the idea that somehow someday we will control and enjoy shooting heroin is the great obsession of every abnormal heroin addict. [02:16.4 – 02:19.4] Um, so true. [02:19.4 – 02:25.6] The second thing I wanna read is that there was a tremendous urge to cease forever, yet we found it impossible. [02:25.6 – 02:35.7] This is the baffling feature of heroin addiction as we know it, this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity [02:35.7 – 02:37.1] or the wish. [02:37.1 – 02:47.9] Um, my story starts out, I was born in Roswell, Georgia, uh, a little bit north of Atlanta, into a family, um, [02:47.9 – 02:54.9] that has supported me through thick and thin as far as I can remember, probably too much at times. [02:54.9 – 02:59.3] Um, I have a younger sister who's 24, so we're about six years apart. [02:59.3 – 03:04.9] Um, we had the epitome of a wonderful childhood. [03:04.9 – 03:15.1] I did not suffer a lot from a young age with, you know, divorced parents or abuse or, you know, anything like [03:15.1 – 03:15.4] that. [03:15.4 – 03:18.7] My, my childhood was, was pretty good. [03:18.7 – 03:23.1] Um, but from a really young age, I felt like I didn't even fit in with my family. [03:23.1 – 03:33.9] Um, we would have Christmases and birthdays and go on family vacations, and I was the one, you know, who would cause a scene and throw temper tantrums [03:33.9 – 03:38.9] and always needed a little bit of extra attention, um, for whatever reason. [03:38.9 – 03:46.7] And I never really understood why, but all I understood as a kid and growing up into my teenage years was that, like, I just didn't belong. [03:46.7 – 03:52.9] Um, and that was, you know, that was a big deal for me, um, coming from such a loving family. [03:52.9 – 03:56.9] Like, everyone thinks you should, you know, feel love from your parents, and my parents were loving. [03:56.9 – 03:57.8] I just didn't feel it. [03:57.8 – 04:04.9] Um, there was something always blocking me from feeling like I was in the right place at the right time. [04:04.9 – 04:13.5] I always felt I was, like, either way ahead of where I needed to be or, like, way far behind, and I was always playing catch up, or I was always planning my next move. [04:13.5 – 04:19.9] And, um, you know, that followed me into, into school, and I, I caused trouble in school. [04:19.9 – 04:22.5] Um, I always made good grades. [04:22.5 – 04:32.3] Um, I didn't really have to study as much as other kids needed to, and I kinda was like, you know, naturally gifted with, with book smarts, I guess, as you'd say. [04:32.3 – 04:35.9] Um, so of course, I didn't really, like, pay attention in school. [04:35.9 – 04:45.7] And I was the one that was, like, in first grade getting written up for, like, talking to boys too much and for staying out of line and, like, you know, running in the hallways and doing all those things. [04:45.7 – 04:53.7] And I, I got these reports sent home, and my parents would be like, “You know, you really need to listen to what your teacher says,” and I didn't really understand why. [04:53.7 – 04:58.4] Um, I wasn't really, and I never have really been a traditional school person. [04:58.4 – 05:01.7] Um, so I think it was, um… [05:01.7 – 05:04.1] You know, and I was, I was really involved as a child. [05:04.1 – 05:05.0] I was in Girl Scouts. [05:05.0 – 05:06.5] I did ballet from a young age. [05:06.5 – 05:10.2] Um, and me doing ballet actually goes into my middle 20s. [05:10.2 – 05:13.3] Um, in middle school [05:14.4 – 05:19.3] Um, I drank the first time when I was 13, 14 years old. [05:19.3 – 05:24.5] Um, I didn't really get the full effect of alcohol, but like I did it 'cause other people were doing it, and it was a cool thing to do. [05:24.5 – 05:31.9] Um, and like, you know, smoking cigarettes, but like choking on it being like, “Yeah, this is great.” Like, “I'm really, I'm cool, right?” “Like, this makes me cool, okay? [05:31.9 – 05:42.4] Like, I fit in now 'cause like I'm doing something that you guys are doing, and you, you like me for it.” Um, but, you know, and in my story there are a lot of other drugs, um, [05:42.4 – 05:49.0] so you might hear me mention something, but heroin is what brought me to my knees, um, and why, is why I'm here today. [05:49.0 – 05:53.4] Um, in middle school, you know, I started dressing differently. [05:53.4 – 05:53.9] I started… [05:53.9 – 05:57.1] I would go to school, and I would change my clothes, and I would put makeup on. [05:57.1 – 06:07.2] And then I would change before I went home in the afternoon and wash my face because I wanted to be like the cool girls, and I wanted to be in the popular crowd, and I wanted you to like me. [06:07.2 – 06:17.1] Um, I always was looking for approval from anybody who would give me attention, whether it was good attention, bad attention, it didn't matter. [06:17.1 – 06:23.7] Um, and, and so that first time I drank, I, like I said, I really didn't get the effects of the alcohol. [06:23.7 – 06:26.1] I wasn't drinking to change the way I felt. [06:26.1 – 06:27.4] I was drinking just to drink. [06:27.4 – 06:37.4] Um, into high school, um, my best friend in high school was the really popular cheerleader who dated senior guys, and [06:37.4 – 06:40.9] I was the ballet dancer who really could like, you know, give a shit about school. [06:40.9 – 06:43.3] Um, but for some reason we got along really well. [06:43.3 – 06:47.9] Um, her brother was a drug dealer, and I thought that was awesome. [06:47.9 – 06:49.6] Like, I idolized that. [06:49.6 – 06:55.0] It w- it's so crazy to me to look back and see how much like I idolized people like him. [06:55.0 – 06:58.0] Um, but like he always had friends over. [06:58.0 – 07:00.3] He always, you know, had money. [07:00.3 – 07:02.8] He always was the life of the party. [07:02.8 – 07:12.9] And, um, it was my, about my sophomore year of high school at this point, and I was really getting promoted into my ballet, um, like my ballet career. [07:12.9 – 07:17.2] I was actually, um, dancing five or six days a week. [07:17.2 – 07:21.8] I would dance for four hours after school, and on Saturdays I would dance for 10 to 12 hours. [07:21.8 – 07:25.8] Um, so you know, I very much was, had this like double life. [07:25.8 – 07:34.5] I very much was put together with my hair pulled back in a perfect bun, and my tights were straight, and my ballet ribbons were perfectly tied together. [07:34.5 – 07:44.8] But then when I went to school and I was around those people, I was like starting to smoke weed, and so I was wearing tie-dye and bell-bottoms like I'm still wearing today. [07:44.8 – 07:47.1] Um, you know, and I played that role. [07:47.1 – 07:53.5] Like, I played whatever role I thought I needed to play in the moment for you to give me that like attention. [07:53.5 – 07:58.8] Just like me, me, me, me, me all the time, and I always felt so empty on the inside. [07:58.8 – 08:09.5] No matter what group of people I was hanging out with, no matter where I was, what music I was listening to, what clothes I was wearing, um, it didn't matter, you know, because ultimately [08:09.5 – 08:13.7] I would go home at night and I just, I felt so alone. [08:13.7 – 08:14.3] I did. [08:14.3 – 08:17.7] I felt like no one understood me, even if you said you were my best friend. [08:17.7 – 08:21.9] I just, I never felt that feeling of like belonging somewhere. [08:21.9 – 08:29.1] Um, the only place I really ever felt connected, um, for a long time was in the ballet studio. [08:29.1 – 08:30.4] It was my passion. [08:30.4 – 08:38.1] Um, I had dreams of being a professional ballet dancer, and, um, later in my story, you know, I'll come, I'll come back to it. [08:38.1 – 08:41.9] But, um, that was what I wanted to do with my life. [08:41.9 – 08:43.5] I wanted to be a ballet dancer. [08:43.5 – 08:46.6] Um, so that's why I really didn't do college prep in high school. [08:46.6 – 08:52.0] I really didn't, you know, do a lot of like the football games, all that kind of stuff. [08:52.0 – 08:53.5] I was always in the ballet studio. [08:53.5 – 09:03.5] Um, and then so, you know, smoking weed and drinking here and there, um, kind of turned into smoking weed every day, [09:03.5 – 09:06.7] being late to school, skipping class. [09:06.7 – 09:08.0] My grades started dropping. [09:08.0 – 09:12.4] Um, when my mom asked me about it, it was like, “Oh, well, I don't like my teacher. [09:12.4 – 09:16.7] I don't understand what they're saying to me.” Like, “I just, I just don't get it.” And she's like, “You're smarter than that. [09:16.7 – 09:26.8] Like, you, you understand what they're saying.” And I'm like, “No, I don't, I don't get it.” Um, and it was always, every time I got in trouble, it was always someone else's fault, or it was always I was in the wrong [09:26.8 – 09:29.5] place, or like I didn't mean to. [09:29.5 – 09:35.2] Um, but, but the truth is, is I was always right where I needed to be, and I did mean to. [09:35.2 – 09:40.4] Um, I look back at things that I did in high school and the trouble that I got into, and it wasn't anything major. [09:40.4 – 09:44.8] But, um, I always put myself in every position that I got into. [09:44.8 – 09:55.0] Um, whether I knew it or not at the time, uh, a lot of that, you know, was signs of, of addiction and that delusional thinking that like [09:55.0 – 09:57.1] I have no, no part in anything. [09:57.1 – 09:59.0] Like the world is against me. [09:59.0 – 10:00.3] My life is ruined. [10:00.3 – 10:01.9] Like, you know, everyone's out to get me. [10:01.9 – 10:03.3] The government's out to get me. [10:03.3 – 10:09.3] Like all of these crazy delusional thoughts, and, and doing drugs made it so much worse. [10:09.3 – 10:19.6] Um, I excelled really quickly in my ballet career, and when I was 15 I was dancing with girls that were, um, you know, already graduated [10:19.6 – 10:21.0] high school or in college. [10:21.0 – 10:25.3] They were doing like company preparation for professional schools and all this stuff. [10:25.3 – 10:25.6] And, um- [10:27.8 – 10:33.3] I guess it just, I felt a part of because I was with older people, and I felt like they understood me more. [10:33.3 – 10:36.2] Um, and I'm back up just a little bit 'cause I forgot. [10:36.2 – 10:39.0] Um, when I was in middle school I got diagnosed with diabetes. [10:39.0 – 10:49.6] Um, so of course as being like a preteen and like, you know, going through hormonal changes and not knowing where you fit in in school, and then having diabetes thrown at you, and it's like [10:49.6 – 10:59.6] someone telling you that you're gonna have to stick yourself with a needle five times a day for the rest of your life is like probably one of the worst things that had ever happened to [10:59.6 – 11:00.5] me. [11:00.5 – 11:07.5] Um, it's, it was something that I struggled with, uh, since I was diagnosed when I was 12, and I still struggle with it today. [11:07.5 – 11:16.1] It's very hard to wrap my head around that this is something I have to do for the rest of my life, but just like my addiction, like I have to treat it or else it's gonna kill me. [11:16.1 – 11:25.4] Um, so you know, I dealt with that, and that was kind of like one of those other things like wow, really now I don't really fit in at all 'cause like nobody that I knew had diabetes. [11:25.4 – 11:26.7] Um, back into high school. [11:26.7 – 11:31.1] So I never really like had a lot of consequences in high school. [11:31.1 – 11:35.3] I would get in trouble for skipping class and stuff, but nothing really like that was crazy. [11:35.3 – 11:45.8] Um, my junior year of high school my best friend and her older bro- brother, a drug dealer, um, he [11:45.8 – 11:55.8] brought her some meth to school one day, and like we were sitting in my car before school smoking cigarettes like the cool kids do, and she's like, “You gotta try this,” like, “It's crazy,” like, “I lost 10 [11:55.8 – 11:56.5] pounds in a week. [11:56.5 – 11:57.1] It's awesome. [11:57.1 – 11:59.3] I feel great.” Like yada, yada, yada. [11:59.3 – 12:02.3] And I was like, “Hell yeah, give me some.” Like, “I'm a ballet dancer. [12:02.3 – 12:10.8] I could lose 10 pounds.” And um, you know, and so that, that started a whole new world of delusion for me. [12:10.8 – 12:17.0] And um, I think my parents knew something was up at that time, but like my parents never really questioned me. [12:17.0 – 12:24.7] Um, I think that they just kinda maybe have looked past it or were scared to like ask me if something was going on. [12:24.7 – 12:26.6] And um, at the end of… [12:26.6 – 12:30.5] Like middle of my junior year in high school I decided that like I didn't wanna go to school my senior year. [12:30.5 – 12:37.8] Um, I had two credits left to graduate, and I wanted to do, I wanted to start teaching ballet and I wanted to start auditioning more. [12:37.8 – 12:43.5] And so I figured that it would be the perfect time to just like homeschool and finish my, you know, get my diploma. [12:43.5 – 12:44.9] So I did. [12:44.9 – 12:47.2] Um, my senior year of high school I homeschooled. [12:47.2 – 12:50.6] I went to classes like I went to a tutor twice a week, and I graduated early. [12:50.6 – 12:57.8] Within my senior year of high school though, um, I got kicked out of my house by my parents towards the end of my senior year. [12:57.8 – 12:58.8] They gave me an ultimatum. [12:58.8 – 13:09.0] They were like, “You can stay at home or, you know, you can leave, but if you stay home you have no phone, no cell phone, no internet, no AOL [13:09.0 – 13:19.3] Instant Messenger.” Um, “We're gonna take your car keys, and you, we'll take you to ballet, and we'll bring you home, and you can do family stuff.” And I was like, “Well, [13:19.3 – 13:29.6] I'm 18.” “So I'm an adult now, so I'm gonna go.” Um, and that was probably the f- the, the most devastating, uh, [13:29.6 – 13:31.8] the first most devastating moment of my life. [13:31.8 – 13:42.0] Um, my mom chased me down the, chased down the taxi down her driveway in her nightgown and fell to her knees at the bottom of the driveway, and I left. [13:42.0 – 13:43.2] I didn't even turn around. [13:43.2 – 13:52.0] Um, and, and to see, looking back now I see like that's not the right thing to do. [13:52.0 – 13:59.7] Um, but I was, you know, in the middle of meth addiction and like no one was gonna get in my way, and it was my way or the highway. [13:59.7 – 14:02.6] Um, so I left. [14:02.6 – 14:04.3] I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. [14:04.3 – 14:09.9] And um, from there for whatever reason, I guess uppers just aren't my thing- … [14:09.9 – 14:14.4] because I was able to put like, put down meth cold turkey for some reason. [14:14.4 – 14:18.4] Like, I just one day was like, “Oh, I ran out of money,” and my boyfriend ran out of money. [14:18.4 – 14:27.4] So we decided that it would be a good idea to just like lock ourselves up for a week in his bedroom and drink a bunch of water and smoothies and detox, and we did. [14:27.4 – 14:30.1] Um, and shortly after that I found opiates. [14:30.1 – 14:34.2] Um, it was the next readily thing available in my life. [14:34.2 – 14:44.6] So meanwhile while this is going on, um, I have no relationship with my family for the next three years, um, as a 18-year-old. [14:44.6 – 14:49.2] I have no parental guidance 'cause my boyfriend's mother was like a very free spirit. [14:49.2 – 14:50.6] She let us smoke weed in the house. [14:50.6 – 14:51.5] She let us drink. [14:51.5 – 14:53.2] She bought us liquor. [14:53.2 – 14:58.8] Um, you know, she, she had no control over anything that was going on in her house. [14:58.8 – 15:03.9] And with my boyfriend and his four younger brothers it was like a party all the time, and I thought it was great. [15:03.9 – 15:09.4] I literally thought at the age of 18, 19-year-ol- years old that I was gonna marry this man. [15:09.4 – 15:11.4] We were gonna live in his mother's basement. [15:11.4 – 15:12.0] Yeah. [15:12.0 – 15:12.9] We were gonna have babies. [15:12.9 – 15:15.3] We were gonna have babies in his mother's basement. [15:15.3 – 15:21.9] And we were gonna raise them, and we were just gonna be these like super stoner drunk hippies- Oh, God … [15:21.9 – 15:23.0] for the rest of our lives. [15:23.0 – 15:30.1] And this was like a fantasy dream delusion of mine, and I was so damn convinced that like that was gonna be my life. [15:30.1 – 15:32.3] And I was 100% okay with that. [15:32.3 – 15:36.8] Um- I was really wrong. [15:36.8 – 15:40.6] Uh I was really, really wrong. [15:41.0 – 15:51.1] So, um, the, so, you know, through those, those three years from like 18 to 21, 22, I had no contact with my parents except when I ran [15:51.1 – 15:54.4] out of money and needed my insulin prescription filled. [15:54.4 – 16:00.2] Or when my boyfriend would beat the shit out of me and I would call my parents and have to go home and stay with them for a couple days. [16:00.2 – 16:04.7] And then when they wouldn't let me go out or wouldn't let me do anything, I would leave. [16:04.7 – 16:07.7] Um, and this pattern went on for years. [16:07.7 – 16:10.3] Didn't matter which boyfriend it was. [16:10.3 – 16:15.3] Um, you know, that, that was when like my… [16:15.3 – 16:16.6] Started doing a lot of pain pills. [16:16.6 – 16:19.4] I started like with morphine, and then it was like the Dilaudid. [16:19.4 – 16:24.4] And then it was whatever I could get, and then it was like, “Oh, well, you only have Perc 5s? [16:24.4 – 16:27.6] Well, like give me 50 of them.” And that would last like, you know, a day or two. [16:27.6 – 16:32.3] So it's like, of course, that can only go on for so long until you find Oxycontin. [16:32.3 – 16:42.3] Um, first time I ever did, you know, did Oxys was when they still made 80s, and I did whatever I did of [16:42.3 – 16:43.8] it, and I was so sick. [16:43.8 – 16:48.7] I threw up so much, but it was the best feeling in the world. [16:48.7 – 16:59.0] I was like, “This is it.” Like, you know, I was like, was like, “Drinking and stuff is great, um, and smoking weed is awesome, [16:59.0 – 17:01.2] but like this is where I belong. [17:01.2 – 17:04.8] Like this is, this is it for me.” This was it again for me. [17:04.8 – 17:07.4] Like, you know, I had gotten to these levels where I'm like, “This is it. [17:07.4 – 17:17.4] Oh, no, but this is it, okay?” Like, “This is where I'm meant to be.” Um, and so I, like I said, [17:17.4 – 17:22.2] I moved back home, moved in and out of my parents' house, would get my own apartment. [17:22.2 – 17:23.5] I even moved to Florida. [17:23.5 – 17:33.7] Um, the gu- the guy that I moved out and moved in with when I was 18, um, we were together for about five years, and towards the end of that I found needles in the bathroom [17:33.7 – 17:35.3] and like I had no idea. [17:35.3 – 17:36.8] Scared me at the time. [17:36.8 – 17:38.1] I was like, “Oh, no. [17:38.1 – 17:48.1] Nope, nope, nope.” I was like, “You're really a junkie because like I only snort pills.” “So we gotta go.” “I gotta pack up my stuff.” And, [17:48.1 – 17:50.1] uh, so I packed up my stuff and I left. [17:50.1 – 17:59.9] Um, this time instead of having him pack it and put it in the, put it, black trash bags in the driveway, I actually packed my stuff this time, and it was very liberating 'cause I was like, “I'm moving to Florida.” My parents bought me a car. [17:59.9 – 18:02.0] They bought me a laptop for my job. [18:02.0 – 18:03.2] I went down to Florida. [18:03.2 – 18:04.2] I was clean. [18:04.2 – 18:07.3] I was doing cocaine and smoking, you know, drinking every day. [18:07.3 – 18:08.2] I was clean. [18:08.2 – 18:08.9] I was good. [18:08.9 – 18:11.9] I was super, super sober. [18:11.9 – 18:15.2] Um, I thought I was, though. [18:15.2 – 18:17.0] The sad thing is like I thought I was sober. [18:17.0 – 18:22.1] So, um, you know, and it was this constant like, “Where is it? [18:22.1 – 18:32.1] When am I gonna get it?” Um, and it's funny because the first day that I moved to Florida, I moved down there with my job for AT&T, they had me put up in this like inn suite, you know, like in town suites, [18:32.1 – 18:33.5] like weekly pay place. [18:33.5 – 18:43.1] They paid for it for like three months, then they were like, “You gotta find your own place.” First day I'm there I like find this guy in the parking lot, and I'm like, “Hey, got any like, got any weed or anything?” He's like, “Yeah. [18:43.1 – 18:45.2] What you want?” I'm like, “Cool. [18:45.2 – 18:46.7] This is great.” Like, “This is… [18:46.7 – 18:55.7] Okay, cool.” Um, so during that time period my, uh, I started dating this guy, um, 'cause I had broken up with, you know, the other boyfriend. [18:55.7 – 19:00.9] And, um, started dating this guy that I worked with, and so we moved in together 'cause like the… [19:00.9 – 19:01.5] It made sense. [19:01.5 – 19:05.1] Like, why are we both paying to stay in a weekly hotel place? [19:05.1 – 19:06.6] Like, we could just get an apartment together. [19:06.6 – 19:11.9] So we moved in together, and then he was like, “By the way, I need to move my daughter down here.” And I was like, “All right. [19:11.9 – 19:14.1] Cool.” Like, maybe a kid'll straighten me out. [19:14.1 – 19:19.1] Maybe like playing mommy for a little while will make me stop doing the things I'm doing. [19:19.1 – 19:21.0] Um, it didn't. [19:21.0 – 19:22.4] It didn't. [19:22.4 – 19:24.7] Uh, she was two. [19:24.7 – 19:25.6] I loved playing mommy. [19:25.6 – 19:26.4] It was great. [19:26.4 – 19:28.5] She wasn't my kid, you know? [19:28.5 – 19:30.2] It w- she wasn't. [19:30.2 – 19:38.5] So I really like could play mommy and like drop her off at daycare and like take her to the beach on the weekends and stuff like that, but like at the end of the day I j- I just really deep down didn't care. [19:38.5 – 19:41.3] Um, and that's like a, another human being. [19:41.3 – 19:47.1] Like, that's another person's child that I was put in, had responsibility for, you know? [19:47.1 – 19:49.1] Um, that relationship didn't last very long. [19:49.1 – 19:49.7] I came back. [19:49.7 – 19:50.3] I really did. [19:50.3 – 19:53.7] I missed my parents 'cause we were, we were kinda on good terms at this point. [19:53.7 – 19:56.6] Um, at this point I had obviously stopped doing ballet. [19:56.6 – 20:03.4] When I was 17, though, before I moved out of my parents' house, I had an offer to dance with Joffrey Ballet of Chicago, which was my dream company. [20:03.4 – 20:05.5] Um, they hire tall dancers. [20:05.5 – 20:07.4] They wanted me to come dance for them. [20:07.4 – 20:08.8] They offered me a job. [20:08.8 – 20:10.5] They wanted me to come back in six months. [20:10.5 – 20:12.5] Um, and that never happened. [20:12.5 – 20:15.6] I just, I gave up, you know? [20:15.6 – 20:17.7] I just, my passion burned out. [20:17.7 – 20:19.2] My passion was now for drugs. [20:19.2 – 20:26.2] Um, I had no time to think about going to the ballet studio 'cause all I could think about was, when am I gonna get my next drug? [20:26.2 – 20:27.0] What's it gonna be? [20:27.0 – 20:28.4] How much money do I have to have? [20:28.4 – 20:29.2] Where am I gonna get it? [20:29.2 – 20:30.2] Who do I have to rob? [20:30.2 – 20:31.3] How far do I have to drive? [20:31.3 – 20:32.6] What time do I have to get up? [20:32.6 – 20:33.7] Are they gonna be there on time? [20:33.7 – 20:35.5] Am I gonna get pulled over? [20:35.5 – 20:36.6] Am I gonna go back to jail? [20:36.6 – 20:45.3] Like, the constant insanity of what goes on in my brain when I'm high, or when I'm not high and I'm trying to get high, it's unreal. [20:45.3 – 20:48.5] Um, so I moved back from Florida. [20:48.5 – 20:53.0] I was about 23 years old, and, um, I went to go visit my ex-boyfriend just to get some weed. [20:53.0 – 20:54.1] I wanted to smoke with him, see how- [20:54.3 – 20:54.9] how he was doing. [20:54.9 – 21:00.4] And, uh, I got to his house, and he was like laid out on the floor. [21:00.4 – 21:01.8] And I like walked in. [21:01.8 – 21:11.4] I had just talked to him on the phone, and there's like a table full of like guns, and like big bags of drugs, and like pills like spilled out everywhere. [21:11.4 – 21:17.7] And I'm like, “Slowly gonna like creep out.” “Wasn't here. [21:17.7 – 21:22.1] Wasn't, wasn't here.” Um, and he like woke up, and he was like, “Oh, hey.” You know? [21:22.1 – 21:28.6] I'm like, “Wow.” So, um, you know, and like the whole time I was in Florida I didn't do pain pills. [21:28.6 – 21:32.4] I just did a lot of cocaine, and I drank a lot of, drank a lot of whiskey, and smoked a lot of weed. [21:32.4 – 21:40.4] Um, so naturally like seeing a bunch of pills laid out I was like, “Eh, I'm gonna dabble. [21:40.4 – 21:41.3] You know, I'm good. [21:41.3 – 21:42.3] I'm back. [21:42.3 – 21:43.8] Welcome back to Atlanta. [21:43.8 – 21:45.9] Let's have a party.” Like, I'm gonna get real high. [21:45.9 – 21:50.6] Um, so he hands me this bag of pills, and he's like, “Don't worry about it. [21:50.6 – 21:55.3] Just take it.” And I'm like, “Okay.” And, uh, so I left. [21:55.3 – 21:57.8] Like, I, I like liter- literally did not even talk to him. [21:57.8 – 22:00.6] Like, that was the whole conversation we had. [22:00.6 – 22:03.0] And two months later he ended up dead. [22:03.0 – 22:09.0] Um, he had an abscess from shooting with a dirty needle. [22:09.0 – 22:14.6] Um, and he'd tried to drain that abscess by himself against doctor recommendation. [22:14.6 – 22:15.9] Mm. [22:15.9 – 22:21.6] And it sent a blood, it sent a, uh, infection throughout his blood, and it caused a brain aneurysm. [22:21.6 – 22:22.8] Mm. [22:22.8 – 22:26.1] And, uh, he lost both of his feet and one of his hands before he died. [22:26.1 – 22:30.1] Um, and I never went to go say goodbye. [22:30.1 – 22:31.6] I knew he was in the hospital. [22:31.6 – 22:34.4] Um, but he died when I finally decided to go. [22:34.4 – 22:38.1] I was on my way there, and his mom called me and said he died. [22:38.1 – 22:39.9] And, um, you know what I did? [22:39.9 – 22:43.8] I went home, and I snorted a bunch of pills. [22:43.8 – 22:49.1] Like, not even thinking like that that's what led him to get to where he was at. [22:49.1 – 22:51.7] Like, 'cause all I could think about was myself, was me. [22:51.7 – 22:53.9] Like, how do I make myself not feel this? [22:53.9 – 22:59.1] How do I, how do I numb the pain that I'm going through? [22:59.1 – 23:03.8] And like the only way I knew how to do that, until I started working this program, was drugs and alcohol. [23:03.8 – 23:13.9] Um, so you know, over the next few years my life just, it turned into like dating drug dealers again, and [23:13.9 – 23:15.7] just getting what I needed all the time. [23:15.7 – 23:19.2] And have my own place, and then I would move back to mom and dad's when I needed money. [23:19.2 – 23:25.6] And I would like have my own place, and like have a bunch of roommates who would rob me, and then I would have to move back home with mom and dad. [23:25.6 – 23:32.9] Um, and I, I got pregnant in, uh, 2012, um, by the person that I had been dating for a couple years. [23:32.9 – 23:36.3] And we had broken up and then got back together. [23:36.3 – 23:39.2] And like that whole three years I never got pregnant. [23:39.2 – 23:41.6] And like the one time we get back together, of course, I end up pregnant. [23:41.6 – 23:47.3] Um, and at this point I'm, you know, I'm probably snorting God knows how many oxys a day. [23:47.3 – 23:49.6] Like, that was my thing for a while. [23:49.6 – 23:56.6] Um, and I swore like to everybody around me that knew what I was doing, which was very few people, um, that I would never do heroin. [23:56.6 – 24:00.3] I would absolutely never, ever, ever do heroin. [24:00.3 – 24:05.8] Because like that would mean that I was like, I was an addict, right? [24:05.8 – 24:06.8] Yeah. [24:06.8 – 24:10.4] As if the stuff I wasn't doing already didn't already qualify me. [24:10.4 – 24:15.1] Um, and uh, you know, it was a really exciting time for me. [24:15.1 – 24:16.3] I was like, “I'm gonna be a mom. [24:16.3 – 24:18.9] This is what I wanna do with my life. [24:18.9 – 24:19.7] I wanna be a mom. [24:19.7 – 24:30.0] This is gonna get me clean.” Um, I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time, and a week later I lost my child because [24:30.0 – 24:32.9] I couldn't stop even though I was pregnant. [24:32.9 – 24:34.4] I couldn't stop. [24:34.4 – 24:38.8] Um, and that was the second most devastating thing that's ever happened to me. [24:38.8 – 24:48.9] Um, it, it does me no justice to get up here and tell you [24:48.9 – 24:54.3] how much it affected me, because the next thing I did the very next day was heroin for the first time. [24:54.3 – 24:55.7] Um, I got out of the hospital. [24:55.7 – 24:59.0] I recovered at my parents' house for two days, and I went and got heroin. [24:59.0 – 25:01.4] I'd never done it before, but I knew people that did it. [25:01.4 – 25:12.4] Um, and at that moment my life went from horrible to absolutely tragic. [25:12.4 – 25:22.4] Um, the first time I did heroin I, I absolutely knew that it was wh- what I was [25:22.4 – 25:24.7] like meant to do, and that I was gonna die doing this drug. [25:24.7 – 25:28.5] Because I knew for me, like I was gonna do enough of it and it was just gonna kill me. [25:28.5 – 25:30.9] Um, and that's, that was what I wanted. [25:30.9 – 25:31.8] I was miserable. [25:31.8 – 25:33.1] I had no hope. [25:33.1 – 25:39.9] I was desperate for help, but like my ego, for whatever reason, would not let me, let me ask for it. [25:39.9 – 25:46.5] Um, for the next two years I robbed people. [25:46.5 – 25:49.0] I stole from my family. [25:49.0 – 25:55.9] I, God knows all the damage I did that I don't know I did, you know? [25:55.9 – 26:04.6] Um, there was a lot of innocent people hurt in the process of me getting what I needed to make me, make myself feel better. [26:04.6 – 26:07.7] Um, I knew a lot of people that had gotten- [26:07.8 – 26:08.1] sober. [26:08.1 – 26:12.3] And I would, like, see them out and be like, “Oh, you can smoke weed. [26:12.3 – 26:14.4] It'll be all right, man.” Like- … [26:14.4 – 26:18.0] you know, “Just, just hit this blunt, just one time.” They'd be like, “No, dude. [26:18.0 – 26:19.2] I'm, I'm, like, super sober. [26:19.2 – 26:20.8] Like, I don't do anything. [26:20.8 – 26:25.9] Like, I drink energy drinks, and I smoke cigarettes, and I vape.” And I'm like- … [26:25.9 – 26:30.9] “Fair enough.” Um, but, like, “This weed won't hurt you.” Like, that, I didn't understand. [26:30.9 – 26:33.1] I just, I didn't get it, you know? [26:33.1 – 26:35.1] Um, because I had never tried to get sober. [26:35.1 – 26:36.0] I'd never been in recovery. [26:36.0 – 26:36.9] I'd never been to treatment. [26:36.9 – 26:45.8] I was 27 years old, and I was doing heroin and selling a bunch of drugs to support my habit, and living in a trap house pretty much, down near the Bluff in Atlanta. [26:45.8 – 26:47.0] If you've ever been to Atlanta- Oh … [26:47.0 – 26:48.5] and the Bluff- … [26:48.5 – 26:52.0] it is not, it is not the place for a pretty, little, white girl to be. [26:52.0 – 26:52.0] Oh. [26:52.0 – 26:52.7] Let me tell you. [26:52.7 – 26:54.7] Um- That's right … [26:54.7 – 27:04.7] I should probably be dead from the amount of times that I faded out on my dealer's couch, because I actually, like, used to hang out in the Bluff, in their apartments, 'cause [27:04.7 – 27:05.5] I felt safe. [27:05.5 – 27:06.6] Yeah. [27:06.6 – 27:07.6] What? [27:07.6 – 27:08.8] Nothing. [27:08.8 – 27:09.3] I'm sorry. [27:09.3 – 27:19.3] Um, and that's, again, I look back at that and I'm like, there are so many people that just get dumped in dumpsters in the Bluffs daily [27:19.3 – 27:21.8] in Atlanta, and now north of Atlanta. [27:21.8 – 27:24.1] Like, it's everywhere. [27:24.1 – 27:25.8] It's not even just down there anymore. [27:25.8 – 27:26.7] But I used to live there. [27:26.7 – 27:27.9] I used to live a block from there. [27:27.9 – 27:37.9] Um, and I somehow wore all this stuff that I had been through on my, on my chest as a badge of, like, I was proud that I had done these things, [27:37.9 – 27:45.9] and I was, “Oh, yeah, I hit a lick on so-and-so, and I robbed them for this much money, and I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Nobody cares. [27:45.9 – 27:46.7] Nobody gives a shit. [27:46.7 – 27:52.6] Um, doesn't make me any more of a drug addict than anybody else in this room, you know? [27:52.6 – 28:00.5] Um, so my heroin use escalated to eventually putting a needle in my arm, which I said I never was ever gonna do. [28:00.5 – 28:06.5] And, um, about two months before I had to go to treatment, um, is when I stuck a needle in my arm. [28:06.5 – 28:11.8] So my, my shooting days was not very long, but they were bad. [28:11.8 – 28:20.1] Um, so what happened is I, I, uh, woke up on the hou- on the floor of the, uh, house of the people that I had nannied for at the time. [28:20.1 – 28:31.3] Apparently, I picked up their two kids, uh, from school that day, with about a half an ounce of cocaine, a bottle full of pills, a whole bunch of weed, um, [28:31.3 – 28:33.3] just on my front seat of my car. [28:33.3 – 28:44.2] I picked them up, and I faded out, um, from a heroin and Xanax overdose/not have taken my insulin for three days coma, and [28:44.2 – 28:45.3] I ended up in the ICU at St. [28:45.3 – 28:45.8] Joe's. [28:45.8 – 28:51.4] Um, from there I was taken to Ridgeview, not willingly. [28:51.4 – 28:55.4] Uh, I was strapped to a gurney and wheeled in there. [28:55.4 – 29:05.7] And, uh, on their intake form it's, like, the first question, and they hand you this clipboard with a pen like you're supposed to write an essay about your life, and the first question is, like, “Why are you here?” Any [29:05.7 – 29:08.2] normal person would've probably been like, “I'm a drug addict. [29:08.2 – 29:09.9] Like, I do, like, I have a problem. [29:09.9 – 29:15.8] Like, I n- I need to be here.” And I was like, “I have no fucking idea.” Like, all capital letters, underlined, like, 20 times. [29:15.8 – 29:26.3] And I handed the lady, I handed the lady the clipboard and I was like, “I'm done.” “Can I go home now?” And she's like, “You can have a seat.” And I was like, “Um, good.” “I'll [29:26.3 – 29:28.4] just sit my ass right down there then. [29:28.4 – 29:31.0] Do you have a, do you have, like, a blanket or something? [29:31.0 – 29:34.9] It's cold in here.” And, uh, so I stayed at Ridgeview. [29:34.9 – 29:36.6] Um, I went through detox there. [29:36.6 – 29:38.1] I stayed there in their inpatient program. [29:38.1 – 29:41.2] And for some reason, the day they told me I could go home, I decided not to go home. [29:41.2 – 29:43.8] Um, I don't really think I decided. [29:43.8 – 29:49.5] That's the only way I can put it, because they told me I could go home. [29:49.5 – 29:59.7] I called my mom to come pick me up, and, uh, something between that phone call and the next five minutes changed, and I called my mom back and told her that I was gonna die if I left. [29:59.7 – 30:02.6] And, um, so at 28 years old, I went to rehab for the first time. [30:02.6 – 30:06.9] And, um, I got there, and I had no idea what an AA meeting was. [30:06.9 – 30:10.8] I had no idea what these, these lovely steps meant. [30:10.8 – 30:12.2] Um, it said the word God. [30:12.2 – 30:12.6] Mm-hmm. [30:12.6 – 30:14.2] So I was like, “Ooh. [30:14.2 – 30:24.2] Uh, do we have another, another place I could go?” “'Cause, like, this is not conducive to what I understand or believe in.” Um, which is the [30:24.2 – 30:29.5] cool thing about this program is, like, it has nothing to do with, like, the God that we were brought up with, you know? [30:29.5 – 30:31.2] Um, but I didn't understand that. [30:31.2 – 30:41.3] So despite all of the questions, like, the why do I have to do this or why am I here or why do I have to go here at a certain time, and, like, what does this meditation have to do with anything, and, like, [30:41.4 – 30:44.1] why do I have to sit in this small group with all these weird people, and, like, you know? [30:44.1 – 30:54.3] I just, I was so full of those whys for so long, and I finally, about a week of being there, I finally was like, “I'm not gonna get any answers from these people.” And I stopped asking questions, and I started asking [30:54.3 – 30:55.4] questions like, “Okay. [30:55.4 – 30:56.2] So what do I need to do? [30:56.2 – 30:57.5] How do I do this? [30:57.5 – 31:02.0] Um, what can I do?” Like, I d- I, I don't wanna… [31:02.0 – 31:02.6] You know? [31:02.6 – 31:07.1] Once you remove all the drugs and alcohol from me, like, I'm a miserable son of a bitch. [31:07.1 – 31:08.4] I'm crazy. [31:08.4 – 31:09.9] I'm psychotic. [31:09.9 – 31:11.6] I'm emotional. [31:11.6 – 31:12.2] Hmm. [31:12.2 – 31:15.1] I will rip you a new one for saying hello to me. [31:15.1 – 31:20.4] Um, and that's if I don't have a solution in my life, and that is, like, the God awful truth. [31:20.4 – 31:20.7] Um- [31:21.6 – 31:28.8] So, you know, so I finished up my time at Ridgeview, and they suggested me to go to a halfway house, and I was like, “Eh, I don't really know about that. [31:28.8 – 31:31.0] Living with, like, 20 women sounds awful. [31:31.0 – 31:41.0] Sounds horrible.” Um, but I did it anyways 'cause they suggested it me, and, like, I really thought that if I had gone home, things might have just gone back to the way they were, and I really wasn't ready for that yet. [31:41.0 – 31:42.2] Like, you… [31:42.2 – 31:44.8] I'm the type of person, you tell me to do something, and I'm gonna do it. [31:44.8 – 31:47.8] Like, you tell me I can't do it, I'm gonna do it even more. [31:47.8 – 31:56.2] And I had people that were like, “Oh, you're not gonna stay sober.” And I was like, “Bet your ass I will.” Um, so it was like an ego thing for me at first, you know? [31:56.2 – 32:02.2] I got in there, and I'm like, “I'm gonna go to more meetings than you can.” “I'm gonna be up earlier than you.” Um, and I did, you know? [32:02.2 – 32:05.9] I went to this halfway house, and, um, I don't know, man. [32:05.9 – 32:06.8] It was awesome. [32:06.8 – 32:07.4] I really did. [32:07.4 – 32:08.7] I learned how to wake up in the morning. [32:08.7 – 32:13.4] I learned how to brush my teeth like a normal person, like, twice a day, not only twice a week. [32:13.4 – 32:18.7] Um, I learned how to take a shower, that, like, normal people actually shower more than once or twice a week, and they wash their hair. [32:18.7 – 32:19.3] What? [32:19.3 – 32:21.0] Yeah, right, mm-hmm. [32:21.0 – 32:23.7] Oh, yeah. [32:23.7 – 32:27.3] Um, like, I'm telling you guys, I was a stinky, smelly hippie for a while. [32:27.3 – 32:31.2] Um, and you know, and I learned accountability. [32:31.2 – 32:32.7] I learned what it was to get a job. [32:32.7 – 32:36.2] I learned what it was to actually, like, be commun- like, be able to communicate with other women. [32:36.2 – 32:38.9] Um, and then, like, they told me I had to get a sponsor. [32:38.9 – 32:41.1] So I was like, “Mm, mm. [32:41.1 – 32:46.6] I can live with women, but, like, tell another woman my deepest, darkest secrets? [32:46.6 – 32:48.2] Uh, I don't think so. [32:48.2 – 32:49.3] Nope. [32:49.3 – 32:59.4] 'Cause she's gonna use it against me.” “And she's gonna tell all these other people in recovery what I've done and what I've been through.” Um, and, and you know, it was really scary for me at first [32:59.4 – 33:08.5] to pick up the phone and call and be like, pick up the phone and be like, “Hey, so I'm calling.” “'Cause you told me to call you, right? [33:08.5 – 33:15.5] So I'm calling, and I don't know why I'm calling you, but, like, how do we do this thing?” “What are, what are we doing?” “Okay, well, call me tomorrow.” Click. [33:15.5 – 33:17.6] What the fuck? [33:17.6 – 33:18.4] Are you serious? [33:18.4 – 33:22.4] Like, you're supposed to help me stay sober, like- … [33:22.4 – 33:26.7] you told me to call you, and I called you, so it's like, “I gotta call you tomorrow. [33:26.7 – 33:36.2] Damn it.” Um, and she did that for a week, and after a week of me calling her every single day, which, like, I'm so surprised I still even did after that first phone call, um- … [33:36.2 – 33:46.3] you know, like, we met up, and we had coffee, and she s- to- she told me her story, like a 30-minute version of her story, and she was like, “So wh- what was your life like?” And [33:46.3 – 33:48.6] I was so in awe that we had so much in common. [33:48.6 – 33:56.1] I literally sat there and was like, “Well-” “… [33:56.1 – 34:06.7] I mean, you pretty much just told my story.” And I literally sat there for the first time in recovery and, like, couldn't say anything 'cause I actually had listened to someone, like, fully listened [34:06.7 – 34:08.3] and fully found similarities. [34:08.3 – 34:12.0] And for the first time, I was like, “Okay, maybe this thing's working.” You know? [34:12.0 – 34:17.5] Like, “Maybe it's gonna work.” Um, she took me through my steps, and, um, she took me word for word through the Big Book. [34:17.5 – 34:20.3] Um, I carry this Big Book with me everywhere. [34:20.3 – 34:22.6] If I don't carry it into work, it's in my car. [34:22.6 – 34:33.0] Um, you know, I take it everywhere because there's not a moment during my day that I can't pick up this book or call somebody and find some sort of serenity, [34:33.0 – 34:35.9] some sort of clarity on what's going on. [34:35.9 – 34:43.8] Um, she took me through my steps, and, uh, my first step was pretty, pretty easy for me because I experienced my powerlessness out there shooting dope. [34:43.8 – 34:51.4] Um, finally found out that my life was unmanageable, whether I'm high or whether I'm sober. [34:51.4 – 34:55.6] 'Cause like I said, you take the drugs and alcohol away, and I'm crazy. [34:55.6 – 35:01.0] Like, capital letters, underlined 10 times, definition of crazy. [35:01.0 – 35:11.0] And, uh, so that was, it was pretty easy for me to look at that and be like, “Okay, you know, I'm a pow- I'm powerless over heroin.” Um, and that was all I needed at first, was to realize that I was powerless [35:11.0 – 35:12.5] over drugs and alcohol. [35:12.5 – 35:22.6] Um, my second step, I really, again, was not okay with the whole God word, and I was pretty mad about it 'cause I was raised Catholic, and, like, it was forced down my throat, and [35:22.6 – 35:25.7] my God was a very punishing God, and by His standards, I was already going to hell. [35:25.7 – 35:29.7] So, like, who did I need to believe in anyways besides myself and a bag of dope? [35:29.7 – 35:37.5] Um, she, my sponsor asked me, she was like, “Do you believe that I believe in something?” And I was like, “Well, hell yeah. [35:37.5 – 35:41.0] You're sober, right?” She was like, “Okay, cool. [35:41.0 – 35:41.5] That's good enough. [35:41.5 – 35:43.3] We'll come back to it next week.” And I was like, “What? [35:43.3 – 35:46.1] Like, I have a lot of questions here.” You know? [35:46.1 – 35:52.4] Like, “I need to fully understand this and, like, how it's working.” “I need to know how you get from point A to B.” Like, “Is it a straight line? [35:52.4 – 35:53.1] Or, like, what do I have to do? [35:53.1 – 35:54.0] Do I have to jump through hoops? [35:54.0 – 35:56.6] Like, how do I do it?” She told me to shut up a lot. [35:56.6 – 35:58.4] Um- … [35:58.4 – 36:05.3] probably for probably really good reasons, um, just as, like, I tell some of my sponsees to just, like, shut up and listen, you know? [36:05.3 – 36:08.8] Um, thank God, 'cause I really needed to. [36:08.8 – 36:11.1] Um, my third step was really uncomfortable. [36:11.1 – 36:15.9] We got on our knees and said this, like, weird third step prayer about, like, turning my life and my will over. [36:15.9 – 36:22.8] I was on my knees in Starbucks with my sponsor, like, praying with, with our eyes closed, and I'm like- … [36:22.8 – 36:27.5] amen. [36:27.5 – 36:29.8] All right. [36:29.8 – 36:32.6] Can I get an extra tall latte, four quad shots, please? [36:34.9 – 36:44.7] Super awkward, but like I look back on it now and I'm like, “Hell yeah, that was such a cool experience.” Like I got down on my knees and prayed in public, like whereas normally I'd be in the bathroom shooting up in a Starbucks, you know? [36:44.7 – 36:48.8] Like pretty radical change in my life just within those first 90 days. [36:48.8 – 36:58.9] Um, so going into my fourth step, uh, she told me to get a notebook and a pen, and I was like, “Cool.” I'm gonna write down [36:58.9 – 37:04.9] some stuff that I'd been through that like I told Nova I was gonna like take to my grave with me, you know? [37:04.9 – 37:09.4] Um, my fourth step was really long because when she was like… [37:09.4 – 37:19.3] When she said the word thorough, I was like, “Yes, this is my time to get it out.” There's like one person that maybe knows about a lot of this stuff, and like now I get to tell someone else. [37:19.3 – 37:22.0] For some reason, I don't know, I was super willing to do it, and you know what I did? [37:22.0 – 37:23.8] I waited like that whole two weeks. [37:23.8 – 37:24.6] She gave me two weeks. [37:24.6 – 37:26.5] She was like, “You have two weeks to the day. [37:26.5 – 37:32.2] We're gonna meet up, and you're gonna read me this, and we're gonna start your fifth step.” And I was like, “Cool.” Super willing. [37:32.2 – 37:33.9] Wanted to get it all on paper. [37:33.9 – 37:39.0] Day 13, 11:30 PM- Mm-hmm … [37:39.0 – 37:40.1] haven't written a single thing down. [37:40.1 – 37:40.3] Yeah. [37:40.3 – 37:49.1] I was like, “God, I can't even call out of work tomorrow to do this.” Like, “I'm screwed.” So I sat down, man. [37:49.1 – 37:54.0] My hand was cramping so bad 'cause I hadn't written anything in like 10 years since I had been in high school, and I'm like… [37:54.0 – 37:59.1] The most I had filled out and written was like a job application, and maybe like signing like tickets or something when I got pulled over. [37:59.1 – 38:01.3] Like that was the amount of wr- like writing I had to do. [38:01.3 – 38:05.5] Um, so to write my fourth step that, you know, it was, it was rushed, and it… [38:05.5 – 38:06.1] But it was good though. [38:06.1 – 38:06.6] It was thorough. [38:06.6 – 38:07.1] I really did. [38:07.1 – 38:07.9] I got everything out. [38:07.9 – 38:13.9] Um, I wrote down resentments from people I had from like fifth grade, like, “That bitch pushed me out of line going to the bathroom. [38:13.9 – 38:17.6] Mm-mm.” I'm like, you know, and this is my sick mind. [38:17.6 – 38:20.3] I'm like, “I wonder if she has kids that are in high school. [38:20.3 – 38:23.8] I hope someone pushes her daughter out of line in the bathroom.” You know, like this is me. [38:23.8 – 38:24.9] Like that is my mind. [38:24.9 – 38:26.4] Like I am super messed up. [38:26.4 – 38:32.0] Um, so I read her my fifth step, and I did not feel better right away. [38:32.0 – 38:32.8] I didn't. [38:32.8 – 38:35.9] I was like, “Oh God, man.” It's like, “I got this all out. [38:35.9 – 38:48.3] Like why do I still feel this way?” And uh, the next thing she had me do was like write down my list of character defects, and I was like, “Ooh, this is fun.” I'm [38:48.3 – 38:49.1] like, “Yeah. [38:49.1 – 39:00.4] Yeah, selfish, self-centered, vindictive, manipulative, controlling, abusive, mean.” [39:00.4 – 39:10.7] The list like went on because she was sitting there with me, and she's like, “Let's go back through your fourth step, and let's point out some things, you know, character defects.” [39:10.7 – 39:15.5] And my character defect list was like a whole notebook page and like a second column. [39:15.5 – 39:22.1] Um, and but it was cool because I got to sit there, and I got to actually for the first time be like, “Yeah, I can see that. [39:22.1 – 39:23.6] Mm. [39:23.6 – 39:24.0] Mm. [39:24.0 – 39:33.5] You hit the nail on the head with that one.” And I, I got to sit there and, uh, go over that with her, and then, um, I got… [39:33.5 – 39:34.9] You know, I do this still today. [39:34.9 – 39:41.0] I pray for God to rem- remove my character defects and the ones that I still have to help me be useful to other people. [39:41.0 – 39:45.1] Um, and then, you know, going into making my amends is where I found my relief. [39:45.1 – 39:48.3] Um, I had a lot of amends that were really hard to make. [39:48.3 – 39:53.8] Um, for selfish reasons, I did not get to make amends with my grandfather before he passed away. [39:53.8 – 40:03.2] Um, but I got to be present at his funeral, and I get to live my amends by staying sober, um, because I know that's ultimately what he would have wanted from me. [40:03.2 – 40:12.2] Um, so my amends process is still something I'm working on today because I got like the big ones out of the way, and then I kind of like swept the other ones back into the back side of my notebook. [40:12.2 – 40:22.6] I was like, “Eh, I'll get to those later.” But it's like I get to come back to those later, and now I still have amends that I need to make for people like in recovery, which those are really fun. [40:22.6 – 40:29.4] Um, but you know, 10, 11, and 12 for me are things that I, I incorporate into my daily life. [40:29.4 – 40:32.2] Um, the steps say prayer and meditation. [40:32.2 – 40:34.8] It's not like prayer or meditate. [40:34.8 – 40:36.9] Like don't just pray or meditate. [40:36.9 – 40:38.8] Um, and I have a problem with those. [40:38.8 – 40:41.9] Like I find it really hard to sit with myself and meditate. [40:41.9 – 40:49.7] Um, I'm not the best at praying, but it's so important for me to do it because, you know, like Chris said, it's… [40:49.7 – 40:56.6] I have, I've struggled so much in my recovery in the past two years, and the only thing that's gotten me through it is, is my higher power. [40:56.6 – 41:04.4] Um, for whatever reason, my higher powers let me walk through things gracefully. [41:04.4 – 41:07.7] Um, sometimes not so gracefully even though I'm a ballet dancer. [41:07.7 – 41:13.0] Um, I like to trip over my own two feet in recovery a whole lot, and I usually put my foot in my mouth sometimes. [41:13.0 – 41:15.3] Um, but it's cool. [41:15.3 – 41:16.3] I have a solution for that today. [41:16.3 – 41:17.5] I get to make amends again. [41:17.5 – 41:25.1] Um, and then, you know, working with others, oh my God, working with others. [41:25.1 – 41:33.3] Um, I'm so passionate about this program that the moment my sponsor was like, “Okay, cool. [41:33.3 – 41:45.2] I want you to raise your hand to sponsor,” every single meeting I went to I was like, you know, waiting for him to be like, “So if you're willing to take someone through the steps…” I'm like- … [41:45.2 – 41:45.4] “Pick me. [41:45.4 – 41:45.8] Pick, pick me. [41:45.8 – 41:48.3] Pick me, pick me.” And I didn't understand anything about how sponsorship wor- [41:48.5 – 41:50.7] I didn't even really have a good understanding of the 12 steps. [41:50.7 – 41:52.9] I was, like, super lost in recovery. [41:52.9 – 41:56.2] But, like, I was happy, and I wanted to help other people. [41:56.2 – 41:57.8] Um, 'cause I'm that ki- type of person. [41:57.8 – 42:00.6] Like, even when I'm out using, like, “Oh, you need a little bit of money? [42:00.6 – 42:05.2] Here's some money.” But, like, I'm gonna steal your dope while you're not looking, you know? [42:05.2 – 42:06.7] Like, I always wanted to help people, right? [42:06.7 – 42:11.7] I always wanted to be helpful, and, like, let me give you a little something and take 10 times more back. [42:11.7 – 42:19.2] Um, but that's the cool thing in this program is, like, I was given s- I have been given so much, so much for free. [42:19.2 – 42:23.3] Like, I did not come in here, like… [42:23.3 – 42:25.5] I don't know. [42:25.5 – 42:30.1] If sponsorship was, like, a paid thing, and I had to pay someone to sponsor me, like, I would still be shooting dope, or I'd be dead. [42:30.1 – 42:40.3] Um, you know, I've had to switch sponsors since I got sober 'cause my first sponsor relapsed, um, which is a part of this thing, you know? [42:40.3 – 42:47.1] But, like, I'm so passionate about, about carrying this message because what happens in here is nothing short of miracles. [42:47.1 – 42:52.8] And if you haven't experienced a miracle yet, I suggest that you stick around until you do. [42:52.8 – 43:03.2] Um, you know, I've seen upwards almost now into the 30s, almost [43:03.2 – 43:07.4] 30 people pass away since I've been sober in the past two years from this shit. [43:07.4 – 43:17.7] Um, and the thing is, it's like a lot of us need to get sober, and a lot of us want to get sober way before we're willing to, [43:17.7 – 43:20.4] and sometimes that willingness comes too late. [43:20.4 – 43:25.7] So I'm assuming if you're sitting in this room tonight, um, that something in your life is not going right. [43:25.7 – 43:33.5] Um, even if you've put the dope down, and you haven't shot dope in six months or a year, whatever it is, if you're miserable, something's missing. [43:33.5 – 43:36.9] Um, you know, push through it. [43:36.9 – 43:38.8] This program is not easy. [43:38.8 – 43:39.9] It's not. [43:39.9 – 43:45.2] Um, it, it, it's, it was easy in the beginning putting the dope down. [43:45.2 – 43:47.7] But, like, staying sober is com- something completely different. [43:47.7 – 43:57.7] And, um, God, I wish, like, I wish for everyone in this room that you can experience the freedom and happiness that I've [43:57.7 – 44:02.7] experienced because, like I said, I thought I was gonna die a junkie. [44:02.7 – 44:11.1] Now, the difference is today I'm gonna die a heroin addict, but I'm gonna die a recovered heroin addict, not from an overdose. [44:11.1 – 44:20.6] I don't know how I'm gonna go out, but when I do, I know that I've taken advantage of these, this freedom that I have today to live a happy and fulfilling life. [44:20.6 – 44:28.1] I have a relationship with a man in recovery that, like he said, I've seen him at his highs and his lows. [44:28.1 – 44:34.1] But, like, I would have never been able to experience a relationship like I have today using. [44:34.1 – 44:43.8] I have a relationship with my parents today, where, like, my mom and I are pretty much best friends again, and my dad and I have an emotional relationship instead of, like, “Hey, can you write me a check? [44:43.8 – 44:54.4] Thanks.” Um, I have relationships with women, like real relationships with women that I can call [44:54.4 – 45:01.2] when I'm struggling, when I'm doing really well, that, you know, I never would have had. [45:01.2 – 45:07.7] I have relationships today with people because, like, I want to, not because I need to get something from you. [45:07.7 – 45:11.2] Um, I'm gonna close with this. [45:11.2 – 45:19.7] Um, I believe that this program offers something that a lot of people don't get the opportunity to have. [45:19.7 – 45:27.3] There's a lot of heroin addicts that aren't even gonna be able to hear about HA before it's their time, um, and that's the sad truth of it. [45:27.3 – 45:30.6] So if you're in these rooms, and you don't have a sponsor, please get one. [45:30.6 – 45:31.1] Please. [45:31.1 – 45:41.2] Even if it's uncomfortable, and you hate it, um, I will tell you that the most growth and most fulfilling moments that I have had in my sobriety are when [45:41.2 – 45:45.7] I get through something uncomfortable on the other side, and I can look back and say, like, “Damn, hell yeah. [45:45.7 – 45:46.9] Like, I got through that? [45:46.9 – 45:49.1] Like, oh, man. [45:49.1 – 45:55.4] Ah, thought that one was gonna take me back out.” Um, you know, if you don't have a sponsor, get one. [45:55.4 – 45:57.5] If you haven't worked the 12 steps, do it. [45:57.5 – 46:02.1] And don't just, like, half-ass it because it's not gonna work, and you're just gonna waste a bunch of time. [46:02.1 – 46:06.2] Um, there were a lot of people in here tonight who raised their hand to sponsor. [46:06.2 – 46:09.3] There was a lot of people in here who raised their hand who have over a year of sobriety. [46:09.3 – 46:14.6] Um, it's amazing to see because back home it's the same, you know? [46:14.6 – 46:19.4] We see people come in, and we see people go out, and we see people come back in, and they go back out, and we don't see them again. [46:19.4 – 46:29.2] Um, and it's absolutely heartbreaking to know that every single one in this room can have a life fulfilling and worthwhile like I do. [46:29.2 – 46:33.9] Um, but the, the, the great fact is that it's not. [46:33.9 – 46:35.4] Not everyone gets that. [46:35.4 – 46:40.7] So if you're here tonight, please take advantage of what's here, and it's freely given. [46:40.7 – 46:43.5] Take as much as you want, please. [46:43.5 – 46:45.4] So, and thank you guys so much for having me. [46:45.4 – 46:46.8] I'm so blessed to have been here tonight. [46:46.8 – 46:47.6] Thank you. [46:47.6 – 46:58.3] All [46:58.3 – 46:58.6] right. [46:58.6 – 46:59.6] Let's clap again. [46:59.6 – 47:00.3] That was fucking great.