Transcript

[00:05.3 – 00:06.1] I don't know if it's working. [00:06.1 – 00:08.0] Uh, my name's Blake. [00:08.0 – 00:09.0] I'm a heroin addict. [00:09.0 – 00:10.4] Hey, Blake. [00:10.4 – 00:11.0] Uh, thanks. [00:11.0 – 00:21.2] Um, anyways, um, so, um, I was separated from heroin [00:21.2 – 00:26.7] on January 3rd, uh, two thousand sixteen. [00:26.7 – 00:30.5] Um, so I guess I'll get… [00:30.5 – 00:31.9] Um, I have a home group. [00:31.9 – 00:33.2] This is my home group. [00:33.2 – 00:37.6] I have another home group that is a different fellowship that meets on Tuesday nights. [00:37.6 – 00:41.0] I have a sponsor who has a sponsor. [00:41.0 – 00:46.4] Um, not that anybody really cares about those things anyways, but- … [00:46.4 – 00:48.5] um, just, uh, getting my credentials out there. [00:48.5 – 00:53.6] Uh, so I guess I'll dive into my background a little bit. [00:53.6 – 00:56.3] Uh, I'm from Georgia. [00:56.3 – 00:57.9] I'm from the area. [00:57.9 – 01:01.4] Um, I had a pretty normal childhood. [01:01.4 – 01:10.3] Um, my family is dysfunctional, like I would say probably everybody's family in here is a little bit. [01:10.3 – 01:12.2] Uh, my dad is an alcoholic. [01:12.2 – 01:18.7] My older brother is a schizophrenic, and he is also a drug addict and an alcoholic. [01:18.7 – 01:25.7] Uh, my mother suffers from depression and all types of other things like that. [01:25.7 – 01:34.2] And so I had a, uh, pretty good childhood growing up, um, even despite most of those things. [01:34.2 – 01:44.2] Um, so but I always remember, like, from the earliestness of, like, any sort of conscience or taking track of, like, thinking and, like, sort [01:44.2 – 01:54.4] of being aware and coming of that age, that it was just like, I did not feel comfortable in my own skin, which I feel like i-is really weird for [01:54.4 – 02:04.4] a five-year-old to constantly be thinking about, “Why do I just, like, not feel comfortable in [02:04.4 – 02:08.2] my own skin?” I mean, I feel like that's a really weird thing to kind of do as a kid. [02:08.2 – 02:16.5] And of course, um, I was just sort of, like, awkward and shy and stuff like that as a kid and, and, and just really weird. [02:16.5 – 02:27.3] Um, I grew up, and I kind of, like, learned how to manage, and I was able to become, like, social, and I had friends and, um, you [02:27.3 – 02:30.5] know, whatever, pretty normal background and stuff like that. [02:30.5 – 02:37.2] And then, uh, probably around the sixth grade is probably… [02:37.2 – 02:38.8] Or no, no, no, it wasn't the sixth grade. [02:38.8 – 02:45.0] I was in the eighth grade, and that was the first time that I ever smoked weed or drank alcohol. [02:45.0 – 02:55.1] And the weed didn't do anything for me, but the alcohol, um, my best friend's older sisters, who were in high school at the time, showed him how to get [02:55.1 – 02:56.7] drunk, 'cause that's how you do it. [02:56.7 – 02:58.8] You show people how to get drunk, I guess. [02:58.8 – 03:04.3] Um, but, uh, so he showed me, and, uh, I got pretty tipsy. [03:04.3 – 03:05.1] I got buzzed. [03:05.1 – 03:09.6] And, um, I remember, like, feeling the relief that instantly came from that. [03:09.6 – 03:17.3] And then, um, I liked it so much I decided to do it the next day as well, and he decided to do it with me the next day as well. [03:17.3 – 03:27.6] And, uh, I drank too much that time, and I spent, um, all night in the fetal position in a bathroom puking up, followed [03:27.6 – 03:31.4] by the worst hangover I think I've ever had in my entire life. [03:31.4 – 03:34.3] Um, so that happens. [03:34.3 – 03:35.8] I get into high school. [03:35.8 – 03:39.3] Um, whatever. [03:39.3 – 03:42.6] I mean, you p- you guys all pretty much know how the story goes, okay? [03:42.6 – 03:44.2] I start hanging out with the wrong crowd. [03:44.2 – 03:45.2] I'm going to parties. [03:45.2 – 03:46.4] I'm doing drugs. [03:46.4 – 03:48.4] I'm doing all types of shit. [03:48.4 – 03:55.3] And, um, then I slowly start getting introduced to cocaine and Xanax. [03:55.3 – 03:57.9] And finally, I got opiates. [03:57.9 – 04:04.2] And when I did opiates, I was like, “Okay, this is, this is it.” I started doing Roxies, and I started feeling good. [04:04.2 – 04:10.5] Then somebody, after I had gotten out of high school, had showed me heroin. [04:10.5 – 04:13.5] And I remember being like, “This is cheaper. [04:13.5 – 04:20.8] There's no way I can get hooked on it,” and it's, and it's financially sound, as a matter of fact. [04:20.8 – 04:31.2] And from that financially sound plan of spending all my money, the next financially sound thing I had was, “Well, if I shot it, then I would have [04:31.2 – 04:31.3] le… [04:31.3 – 04:41.3] I would have to do less to do it, and I'd have more money, therefore I'd have more heroin, and I won't get addicted.” Um, and [04:41.3 – 04:43.7] so that all blew up in my face tragically. [04:43.7 – 04:46.9] Um, and so time goes on. [04:46.9 – 04:48.8] My parents start noticing shit. [04:48.8 – 04:53.8] They understand that, uh, there's probably something wrong with their child. [04:53.8 – 05:04.0] Um, and so they called me out on it one day, and I just remember being like, “Yeah, I'm on heroin.” And, uh, I came to them with this plan that I'll just go to the methadone [05:04.0 – 05:06.4] clinic, and everything will be fine. [05:06.4 – 05:10.2] So, um, I get on methadone, and this is, like, my plan. [05:10.2 – 05:13.2] I'm like, “All right, cool, like, it's time to get your life back together. [05:13.2 – 05:22.2] Um, we'll do methadone.” And, uh, the methadone helped with the heroin, but then I would just do methadone and go buy crack instead. [05:22.2 – 05:30.6] And so I would be high on methadone, and then I would be high on crack, and I'd be so strung out from crack that I needed heroin for the comedown. [05:30.6 – 05:33.8] Um, so that worked out real well. [05:33.8 – 05:36.4] And then I just quit going to the methadone clinic altogether. [05:36.4 – 05:38.2] I started doing heroin again. [05:38.2 – 05:48.4] Um, I had this huge blowup with my family and my older brother, who was living with me at the time, who was out on signature bond because the drug dealers we were getting [05:48.4 – 05:55.5] our shit from were staying at his apartment at one point, and somebody called the cops, so there was a sting operation. [05:55.5 – 05:59.6] So he went down for the whole thing, and he was living with my family on signature bond. [05:59.6 – 06:09.7] And, um, I don't know if anybody here has tried, uh, doing heroin with another heroin addict who's also [06:09.7 – 06:10.8] a schizophrenic. [06:10.8 – 06:13.8] Um, it does not go very well. [06:13.8 – 06:23.9] Um, and so basically, we're basically doing this all the time, and we're driving to the methadone clinic one day, and we get in a fight while I'm driving the [06:23.9 – 06:24.2] car. [06:24.2 – 06:25.0] I can't remember. [06:25.0 – 06:26.3] It was over some stupid shit. [06:26.3 – 06:29.2] I think he was mad 'cause I didn't tell him I had heroin left over. [06:29.2 – 06:30.5] You, you know, typical shit. [06:30.5 – 06:32.8] And, uh, so we're driving. [06:32.8 – 06:33.7] We get in a car wreck. [06:33.7 – 06:35.0] It's like this huge blowup. [06:35.0 – 06:36.3] Police get called. [06:36.3 – 06:40.6] Uh, I go to jail, and I'm sitting in jail. [06:40.6 – 06:50.8] And I remember sitting in jail, and I'm like, “Okay, um, this sucks.” And my parents didn't want to bail me out for good reason, so they let me sit in there for a while. [06:50.8 – 06:53.5] And I remember making calls home, and I'm like, “All right, look [06:53.7 – 07:00.3] guys, like I've physically detoxed now from methadone to heroin, all the stuff. [07:00.3 – 07:01.1] Like, I'm good. [07:01.1 – 07:04.2] Like, I can come back out and everything is gonna be fine. [07:04.2 – 07:14.4] Um, so my bail gets posted, and, uh, when I'm in the holding cell, it was, like, one of the worst feelings because I already knew [07:14.4 – 07:15.8] that I was gonna go get high. [07:15.8 – 07:19.0] After everything that I had said, I knew what was gonna happen. [07:19.0 – 07:29.1] And lo and behold, a friend that I hadn't seen in a while calls me up, and, uh, he's on drug court, and he wants to get high. [07:29.1 – 07:38.3] And so I, I take him down there and we go get high and, you know, it goes on for a month, and then my parents pretty much face me with an ultimatum. [07:38.3 – 07:48.4] They're like, “You can either go to rehab or you can live on the street.” And I was going pretty hard with the like, you know, “Kick [07:48.4 – 07:51.0] me out.” Like, “I don't give a shit.” Like, I'll… [07:51.0 – 07:54.9] I had a bridge all picked out and everything that I wanted to live under. [07:54.9 – 08:02.5] But for one reason or another, I really did, I swear to God, I had a bridge in mind that I knew I was gonna go live under. [08:02.5 – 08:12.5] But for one reason or the other, I remember going down to get high one night, and I remember my anxiety had gotten worse after I had [08:12.5 – 08:13.3] done the dope. [08:13.3 – 08:16.4] Like, um, my mind didn't quiet down. [08:16.4 – 08:18.8] In fact, it had gotten so much worse. [08:18.8 – 08:28.8] And I, I was like, “Okay, I, I feel like I'm a little screwed here.” So I called my parents and I was like, um, “Hey, I think I'm [08:28.8 – 08:31.9] ready to go to rehab.” So, uh, they're like, “Great. [08:31.9 – 08:35.4] They can't take you for, uh, another two weeks. [08:35.4 – 08:45.4] So, um, why don't we see if we can get you back in the methadone clinic?” And the methadone clinic was like, “Okay, so you haven't been here for a month, [08:45.5 – 08:55.5] and you failed every drug test that we'd given you while you were here, and you wanna come back?” I was like, “Yeah.” They're like, “We can't take you.” So I had to basically stay out [08:55.5 – 09:02.6] there for two weeks, and my parents at this point were just like, “I don't know what to do with him.” And I end up going into rehab. [09:02.6 – 09:08.6] And I go to rehab, and I learn all this great stuff that we talk about in here. [09:08.6 – 09:11.9] And, uh, I was willing to go, and I was ready to get sober. [09:11.9 – 09:18.1] And I looked at the steps and I saw the God part and I wanted no part of that shit. [09:18.1 – 09:28.2] And, uh, eventually through time I start to come around to it and I'm like, “Okay, I'm gonna do this.” And the one thing I started fighting more than anything was like, “I will not go [09:28.2 – 09:30.1] to an aftercare program, okay? [09:30.1 – 09:32.1] Like, this is my first rehab stint. [09:32.1 – 09:37.0] This guy's been in rehab, you know, 50 more times than I have. [09:37.0 – 09:40.6] This guy is, like, claiming that he wrote the big book over here. [09:40.6 – 09:45.7] And, uh, that guy is about to lose his arm due to all the abscesses from it. [09:45.7 – 09:47.5] So, like, I'm not going to aftercare. [09:47.5 – 09:48.7] My 30 days are good. [09:48.7 – 09:59.1] I'll do an IOP.” And at some point that changed and I remember being like, “You know, I think I need to go to aftercare.” So I signed up for aftercare, [09:59.1 – 10:04.3] and I went to, uh, this wonderful place in Texas called Kerrville, Texas. [10:04.3 – 10:07.8] Um, and I stayed in a halfway house out there. [10:07.8 – 10:10.9] And I don't know if you could call it a halfway house. [10:10.9 – 10:15.2] The guy who owned the house was very, um… [10:15.2 – 10:22.3] understood that, like, you're either gonna do your shit or you're not gonna do your shit and these men in, are in here to hold you accountable. [10:22.3 – 10:25.4] Like, I didn't have to as well go to an IOP. [10:25.4 – 10:31.5] It was like, get a job, show up for the house meetings, um, and then continue to do your stuff. [10:31.5 – 10:34.5] And so I stayed there and I got a sponsor. [10:34.5 – 10:38.4] Um, and I worked through all the steps. [10:38.4 – 10:46.3] Um, and at one point during my amends, I came back home for an amends trip in Georgia. [10:46.3 – 10:47.8] I made most of my amends. [10:47.8 – 10:51.8] Um, I had a woman on there that I owed amends to. [10:51.8 – 10:59.2] And, um, that meeting didn't go so well because I had to come back and make another amends to her years later. [10:59.2 – 11:03.9] But anyways, um, we, uh, we had an encounter. [11:03.9 – 11:13.9] Um, and I remember coming back and I talked about it, and then I decided that I was going to [11:13.9 – 11:21.8] maybe try to pursue a relationship with this woman who was married at the time, but she was gonna get separated. [11:21.8 – 11:29.2] And, uh, my plan was I had convinced myself that, like, I can't get my life together out, out here in Texas. [11:29.2 – 11:35.2] Like, I wanna go back to school, I wanna do all these things, and I just can't get my life back together out here. [11:35.2 – 11:36.6] Um, and it was all for this girl. [11:36.6 – 11:38.5] And so I moved back. [11:38.5 – 11:43.0] I, uh, I continued to not really… [11:43.0 – 11:44.3] I did, like, the bare minimum. [11:44.3 – 11:47.1] Like, I knew some people out here that I went to rehab with. [11:47.1 – 11:48.1] I called them up. [11:48.1 – 11:54.8] Um, they had their sponsor hook me up with my sponsor, who's my sponsor still today. [11:54.8 – 12:00.1] Um, and I would do that and I would pop into meetings every once in a while. [12:00.1 – 12:12.1] But other than that, I spent my time with this girl who was a complete and total alcoholic, and I spent most of my days inside of bars and nightclubs, basically [12:12.1 – 12:18.5] designated driving the whole time and, um, just spending my time at with all this chaos and stuff like that. [12:18.5 – 12:28.5] And when that didn't work out, um, even before it didn't work out, I started noticing these things come up, like all this unrest and discomfort and, uh, just things going on [12:28.5 – 12:30.0] in my mind that I couldn't account for. [12:30.0 – 12:32.5] And I'm calling my sponsor now 'cause I'm insane. [12:32.5 – 12:37.5] And he's saying all this stuff and I'm so far gone that none of it made any sense. [12:37.5 – 12:44.1] Um, and I'll never forget, I, I remember the day that I went back out. [12:44.1 – 12:44.5] I had… [12:44.5 – 12:45.6] I'd, I'd gained some time. [12:45.6 – 12:53.4] I had about a year and a few months at this point, and, and a lot of that, at least seven months of it, was just dry heroin addiction. [12:53.4 – 12:59.0] Um, and I remember the day I went back out, I was like, “This is gonna be the easiest thing ever. [12:59.0 – 13:04.3] Like, I'm gonna take a little vacation from me, myself, my own skin. [13:04.3 – 13:06.5] I'm gonna go get high today. [13:06.5 – 13:08.3] Tomorrow I pick up a white chip. [13:08.3 – 13:12.5] I have the answer and the key to get sobriety. [13:12.5 – 13:22.5] It's in these rooms and I've done it before, so I'll do it again.” So I go ahead and I get high, and I called my sponsor the next day and I'm like, “Hey, [13:22.5 – 13:32.6] I relapsed.” And he's like, “Okay, well, what do you wanna do about it?” And I'm like, “I think I'm gonna go get a white chip today.” And he's like, “Okay, well, you should do that.” And so I go and I get a white chip, and, [13:32.6 – 13:34.7] um, I get high again. [13:34.7 – 13:42.1] And I get high again, and I go to meetings and I pick up white chips pretty much every day for about two to three weeks straight, right? [13:42.1 – 13:47.1] Um, I'm calling my sponsor, I'm trying to talk to him, and I remember one day he bailed- [13:47.2 – 13:57.2] Basically, we had a talk for some reason and I, I, I just remember being at the jumping off place that we talk about in [13:57.2 – 14:07.3] here, where I wasn't really sure if I wanted to be sober 'cause I had been sober, and somehow I had been so miserable that I was either going [14:07.3 – 14:10.2] to blow my brains out or I was gonna get high again. [14:10.2 – 14:17.0] But I knew I didn't wanna get high because I was getting high, and I hated every minute of that. [14:17.0 – 14:21.6] It was like I was, like, stuck in this vicious cycle of like… [14:21.6 – 14:28.1] And the person I was using heroin with was also in the program for a while, and it, and it basically went like this. [14:28.1 – 14:31.2] It was like, get high, talk about being sober. [14:31.2 – 14:33.5] Go into the meetings, be sober. [14:33.5 – 14:34.7] Talk about getting high. [14:34.7 – 14:41.3] And it was just this vicious cycle over and over again, and I couldn't quite comprehend what was going on, you know? [14:41.3 – 14:51.3] And so he sat me down, and he basically explained to me the first step, which for whatever reason I had just completely missed out on an entire [14:51.3 – 14:52.4] part to that step. [14:52.4 – 14:58.5] Um, and I'm pretty much was at this point right here that it talks about in the book. [14:58.5 – 15:04.9] Um, “For those who are unable to use heroin moderately, the question is how to stop altogether. [15:04.9 – 15:08.3] We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. [15:08.3 – 15:17.6] Whether such a person can quit upon a non-spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will use heroin or not. [15:17.6 – 15:19.5] Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. [15:19.5 – 15:24.1] There was a tremendous urge to cease forever, yet we found it impossible. [15:24.1 – 15:34.7] This is the baffling feature of heroin addiction as we know it, this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.” So [15:34.7 – 15:39.6] I'm faced with that, and I had tried everything at this point. [15:39.6 – 15:43.2] I tried coming back in because, like, this is what I thought the answer was. [15:43.2 – 15:53.2] Like, I, I, I, I knew that the answer was in here, and if I could just muster up enough willpower to start working the steps and hold myself accountable [15:53.2 – 15:59.9] and just do this all on my own, that I would be able to get sober again, and I would surely be able to have the answer again. [15:59.9 – 16:06.0] And it turns out that that actually wasn't the answer at all. [16:06.0 – 16:09.8] Um, for whatever reason, I was unwilling to surrender at that point. [16:09.8 – 16:20.1] Um, and so we have this conversation, and he was like, “I'm gonna give you these three numbers, and you're gonna call these men every day.” And I had no idea who these people [16:20.1 – 16:20.4] were. [16:20.4 – 16:30.5] Um, so I start calling these guys every single day, and it was awkward, and it was uncomfortable, and I hated every minute of it for the first [16:30.5 – 16:30.8] week. [16:30.8 – 16:36.5] I absolutely could not stand talking to these guys and just being like, “Uh, hey, what's up?” They're like, “Nothing. [16:36.5 – 16:37.1] What's up? [16:37.1 – 16:38.9] How are you?” I'm like, “I'm good. [16:38.9 – 16:41.9] How are you?” And they're like, “I'm good.” And I'd be like, “Yeah, I'm good. [16:41.9 – 16:45.9] How are you?” And then they're like, “Okay, well, like, you called me. [16:45.9 – 16:48.0] What's going on?” I'm like, “Nothing. [16:48.0 – 16:50.5] Uh, you know, just calling to check in. [16:50.5 – 17:00.8] Um…” But for whatever reason, I had this willingness to do it, and I understood at that point that pretty much the first step doesn't [17:00.8 – 17:05.9] look like, you know… [17:05.9 – 17:08.2] It looks more like this. [17:08.2 – 17:18.2] It's like Blake will use heroin again no matter what, and Blake will try to manage his own life no matter [17:18.2 – 17:27.6] what, unless I surrender to a power greater than myself to take away my heroin addiction. [17:27.6 – 17:32.2] And that was the most important groundbreaking step from that. [17:32.2 – 17:40.0] And, and from that point, it pretty much launched me on a spiritual path to go back through and work the steps. [17:40.0 – 17:45.4] Um, I did an inventory, a full inventory, and I took a look at my belief systems. [17:45.4 – 17:55.6] And, um, I went out and I did my hour to relieve me of my character defects, and I remember doing six and seven a little bit differently [17:55.6 – 18:05.7] and being like, “I want you to sit down, not just meditate over these, but I want you to really look at these a-and ask yourself, are you actually willing [18:05.7 – 18:10.7] to let, let some of these go?” And I remember one of them was, like, a fear of being alone. [18:10.7 – 18:16.6] And I remember I had to sit there and I had to take a hard look at that one, and I was like: I'm not sure if I'm willing to let that go. [18:16.6 – 18:17.6] Like, that's shitty. [18:17.6 – 18:27.6] Like, would I, would I actually, I had to ask myself, be okay to be by myself for the rest of my life if that was what God was willing to have [18:27.6 – 18:28.0] me do? [18:28.0 – 18:34.5] And he's like, “Well, if you don't have the willingness, then pray for the willingness and spend some time by yourself.” And so I did that. [18:34.5 – 18:36.8] And, and I was sort of willing to let that go. [18:36.8 – 18:42.0] Um, and I went out and I made amends, and I made some, some hard amends. [18:42.0 – 18:49.3] Um, I did my ten and eleven that I ended up finding out were some of the greatest steps ever, and I didn't know that before. [18:49.3 – 18:52.9] I ended up finding out that I could actually grow with those steps. [18:52.9 – 19:02.9] And then I learned that helping another heroin addict was probably one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me, and it's one of the reasons that I'm probably still around, [19:02.9 – 19:07.2] is I can still help another heroin addict who suffers from this when other people can't. [19:07.2 – 19:17.2] Um, and so I do all this and my first year is great and I have all these friends and we're fucking doing shit and we're hanging out and [19:17.2 – 19:19.4] we're staying at a pool late nights. [19:19.4 – 19:21.7] Scott, you know what I'm talking about. [19:21.7 – 19:23.4] Scott knows what I'm talking about. [19:23.4 – 19:30.9] And I'm hanging out way later than I should and I'm doing all this stuff and, and I needed that for my first year, I really did. [19:30.9 – 19:33.9] I, I needed to understand because here's the deal. [19:33.9 – 19:41.4] The first time I tried to get sober, I had all this seclusion, and I wanted to stay away from people, and I didn't understand, you know? [19:41.4 – 19:46.1] And, and I wanted to spend time with this girl and not in these rooms and build relationships. [19:46.1 – 19:54.1] But, but my first year, I really needed this fellowship, and we did shit, and we hung out, and, and we kicked it, and it was some of the greatest times of my life. [19:54.1 – 20:04.5] And then year two happened, and, um, things [20:04.5 – 20:07.1] were not like year one at all. [20:07.1 – 20:09.1] I can assure you that. [20:09.1 – 20:13.0] It was, um, it was definitely different. [20:13.0 – 20:16.1] Um, let me get to my little notes here. [20:16.1 – 20:18.0] It was different. [20:18.0 – 20:28.6] And I remember year two, I don't know why it was different, but I remember that when the book is sort of talking about this third step here, this [20:28.6 – 20:35.2] hit me more when I read this in my second year than it ever probably could have during my first year. [20:35.2 – 20:36.7] You know? [20:36.7 – 20:40.7] And it's talking about the actor and how I needed to control everything in my li- [20:40.8 – 20:47.6] life and, and, and how if these demands weren't met, that I could never have any sort of satisfaction out of this world. [20:47.6 – 20:57.7] And my favorite line in here is, you know, “Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only he manages well?” And [20:57.7 – 21:01.9] I was living in that in my year two, um, and it was not fun. [21:01.9 – 21:04.3] That's what it felt like every single day of my life. [21:04.3 – 21:05.9] I had a tightness in my chest. [21:05.9 – 21:10.0] I was in a very, very sick relationship. [21:10.0 – 21:11.8] I was living with this person. [21:11.8 – 21:20.7] I was very sick around their illness because they were also an addict. [21:20.7 – 21:27.3] And, uh, I just remember having all this misery and, and not understanding what was going on, you know. [21:27.3 – 21:31.0] And I remember trying to control it yet again through things that had… [21:31.0 – 21:33.3] tools that had been taught to me in this program. [21:33.3 – 21:44.5] And, and the thing is, is I started doing and using these tools in this program to try to get this result to make myself feel better, which [21:44.5 – 21:47.1] isn't what I've come to know that these tools are for. [21:47.1 – 21:53.1] These tools are here for me to have a better reliance upon a creator of my understanding. [21:53.1 – 22:00.5] And what I was doing is I would sit down and I would pray for all my discomfort and unsatisfaction to go away. [22:00.5 – 22:02.6] I didn't think about other people. [22:02.6 – 22:13.0] I didn't think about, you know, what I could be doing, um, for others or, or, or maybe that I just needed to sit in these feelings. [22:13.0 – 22:18.4] It was always a constant trying to change of what was going on in my life, and I didn't understand it. [22:18.4 – 22:27.6] And so my ego starts manifesting itself in different ways, and I'm being selfish, and I'm hard to be around, and I'm holding grudges, and I'm resentful all the time. [22:27.6 – 22:30.5] And I was not a happy person in my year two. [22:30.5 – 22:36.3] It was actually extremely miserable and one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through. [22:36.3 – 22:42.7] Um, so my sponsor suggested that we work through the steps, and I uncovered a lot of shit through that. [22:42.7 – 22:49.3] Um, I remember I had all these belief systems that popped up, how selfish I ha- I, I had been. [22:49.3 – 22:53.7] And, and, and all this goes on, and I don't even realize that I'm the one at fault. [22:53.7 – 23:03.8] And that's just the testament to this kind of disease that, that I deal with on an everyday basis, is when the heroin a da- when the heroin is removed from the [23:03.8 – 23:12.1] problem, I become more problematic if there isn't something there f- to intervene with me and my selfishness and my self-centeredness. [23:12.1 – 23:16.9] Um, and I'm causing all this chaos in my life, and we go through the steps. [23:16.9 – 23:27.2] And for whatever reason, I had gotten this connection with God, and I think at that point, I started to realize that [23:27.2 – 23:33.0] these steps and the tools in this program are not here to make me feel better. [23:33.0 – 23:35.7] They definitely do that, and they definitely help. [23:35.7 – 23:47.0] What they're here for is they're here to lead me to a path to have a relationship with my creator and understand that and, and have [23:47.0 – 23:52.6] this relationship with God so that I can take other people through, and I can show them how to have this relationship. [23:52.6 – 23:55.6] Because when I first came in here, I did not wanna do that. [23:55.6 – 24:04.2] That was the last thing that I wanted to do, was have a relationship with something I can't see, I couldn't feel, and quite frankly, that I thought was complete and total bullshit. [24:04.2 – 24:12.5] But I'll be damned if today it's not the most important fact in my life. [24:12.5 – 24:18.3] Um, so that goes on, and then year three comes around. [24:18.3 – 24:22.7] Year three was a little bit different. [24:22.7 – 24:31.6] Um, I had a bunch of shit happen and, like, big life decisions happen that I don't think that I could've walked through. [24:31.6 – 24:41.7] Uh, I had a best friend die, um, and that was not fun, but I walked through that with, uh, with some grace [24:41.7 – 24:42.7] and reliance. [24:42.7 – 24:52.8] And, uh, I, I was there to help other people who needed my help dealing with that and, and still not shut myself off to everything else and [24:52.8 – 24:54.3] was able to walk through that. [24:54.3 – 25:04.3] Um, I remember getting out of this sick relationship, and the funny thing about that, the most strange thing about that sick relationship is I remember in that year too, [25:04.3 – 25:14.6] I was in all this turmoil and this insanity in my head, and I was putting these boundaries up like, “Well, if you do this, I'm gonna do this,” [25:14.6 – 25:17.1] or, “If you do that, I'll do this,” and being resentful. [25:17.1 – 25:19.0] And I just remember one day I was like… [25:19.0 – 25:25.0] felt this is where I needed to be led, and all that was on a ten and eleven. [25:25.0 – 25:35.9] And sitting back and realizing and having this moment of surrender that this is clearly the path that's been laid out for me, and this is the path that I need to take and it's gonna be okay. [25:35.9 – 25:41.3] And what came from that is one of the best relationships I've ever had in my entire life. [25:41.3 – 25:48.1] Um, and a completely different understanding. [25:48.1 – 25:58.2] You know, I think I've grown a lot, and I think that a lot of the times we talk about a newcomer being the most important person [25:58.2 – 25:59.1] in this room. [25:59.1 – 26:09.1] But I know, especially in my own experience, that there are a lot of people in here with, with some time that are carrying the [26:09.1 – 26:19.1] message and that we suffer too, and that sometimes they need to be held, uh, you know, talked to, and, uh, they also need to be [26:19.1 – 26:19.5] helped. [26:19.5 – 26:29.6] You know, the hard thing for me being in that position was that I don't know how to be honest when I'm struggling, and I have this character of, “I have [26:29.6 – 26:30.6] this much time. [26:30.6 – 26:35.6] I shouldn't be feeling this way because of X, Y, and Z,” which is all bullshit. [26:35.6 – 26:45.8] Um, one of the greatest things that I've come to understand is that I'm feeling some type of way for some weird reason that I don't understand, [26:45.8 – 26:55.9] and then two to three months later I look back on the experience and I'm able to point to it and go, “Oh yeah, that's why.” Or then the newcomer comes up to me and he's [26:55.9 – 27:00.7] like, “Hey man, you know, I'm having this problem.” And I'm like, “Hey, guess what? [27:00.7 – 27:10.8] I had the same problem too, and it sucked, but this is what I did and I made it through it.” Um, what time is it? [27:10.8 – 27:15.4] Yeah, I mean, I think I'm just gonna ramble on if I do that. [27:15.4 – 27:23.6] Um, I'm not, I'm not the biggest fan of speaker meetings, so I'm not gonna keep you guys here for the full forty-five minutes either. [27:23.6 – 27:26.3] So, um, that's my story. [27:26.3 – 27:27.7] Thanks for letting me share.