Transcript

[00:00.1 – 00:01.3] Oh. [00:01.3 – 00:04.8] All right, and, um- Someone wants to run then … [00:04.8 – 00:06.1] so I'm gonna introduce our speaker. [00:06.1 – 00:11.0] So this woman, I probably met, like, two years ago, and she's my sponsor, and I did not pick her as my sponsor. [00:11.0 – 00:12.6] A really good friend of mine picked her for me. [00:12.6 – 00:14.5] Um, and it kinda just worked out. [00:14.5 – 00:19.1] We listen to the same music, and we do a lot of the same things, and so we mesh really well. [00:19.1 – 00:22.8] And I didn't take any of her suggestions in the beginning, so I went back out. [00:22.8 – 00:28.6] And like this time around though, um, I have followed every suggestion that she has given me, and it's definitely saved my ass. [00:28.6 – 00:33.8] Um, she is part of the reason I'm so involved in HA, because she is, and I look up to that. [00:33.8 – 00:36.6] Um- I'm really excited to hear her story. [00:36.6 – 00:39.1] I've heard a little bit of it, but I'm excited to hear the whole thing. [00:39.1 – 00:44.4] Um, but yeah, like, I really love this person with all my heart, and I'm forever grateful for what she has done for me. [00:44.4 – 00:45.8] So I'll introduce Anna. [00:45.8 – 00:50.2] Whoo. [00:50.2 – 00:53.0] Oh, no. [00:53.0 – 00:54.6] All right. [00:54.6 – 00:55.5] I'm Anna. [00:55.5 – 00:56.2] I'm a heroin addict. [00:56.2 – 00:57.1] Anna. [00:57.1 – 01:02.2] Um, I don't know if they told you, but when you have a spiritual awakening, your book explodes. [01:02.2 – 01:04.9] My dog chewed it, actually. [01:04.9 – 01:15.0] Y'all are probably like, “Oh, no, my book hasn't exploded yet.” Um, this is gonna be, this is gonna be fun. [01:15.0 – 01:22.6] Um, so, um, I'm gonna take a moment of silence, and y'all can just use it for whatever you need. [01:22.6 – 01:26.6] I'm definitely gonna pray to have, um, a higher power speak through me during this. [01:26.6 – 01:33.4] So I'll just remember silence real quick. [01:33.4 – 01:33.7] Okay. [01:33.7 – 01:43.8] Um, so, um, I'm a heroin addict, and, um, I'm gonna tell y'all a little bit about, um, what l- life was like, um, [01:43.8 – 01:47.7] leading up to recovery, how I got into recovery, and what it is like now. [01:47.7 – 01:51.3] Um, but first I wanted to read a little bit out of the big book. [01:51.3 – 01:54.6] Our sponsor reads this before she shares, and it is… [01:54.6 – 01:56.2] One second. [01:56.2 – 01:58.3] It's on page 124 in the family afterword. [01:58.3 – 02:06.1] It says, “Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us now. [02:06.1 – 02:13.1] Cling to the thought that in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have, the key to life and happiness for others. [02:13.1 – 02:23.1] With it you can avert death and misery for them.” So really what I'm trying to do up here is to just, um, use my story to help [02:23.1 – 02:32.6] others because what makes, you know, what I went through worth it is that, um, I can probably help other people with it, just like y'all helped me by sharing your story. [02:32.6 – 02:41.1] Um, so I'm pretty ADD, and I don't, I don't have the luxury of medicating for that. [02:41.1 – 02:42.8] So I kinda wrote some stuff down. [02:42.8 – 02:46.1] It might– I might not look at it, but y'all just, uh, hang with me. [02:46.1 – 02:56.2] Um, so I was born in 1995 in Memphis, Tennessee, um, to a loving family, um, [02:56.2 – 02:57.5] so my dad, my mom, and my sister. [02:57.5 – 03:02.6] And they loved me a lot, but my parents did not… [03:02.6 – 03:07.1] I don't ever remembering, remember, remember them loving each other. [03:07.1 – 03:09.0] Um, apparently they did at some point. [03:09.0 – 03:11.1] That's why they got married, but I never saw it. [03:11.1 – 03:16.1] Um, there was a lot of, um, there was, like, physical violence at home. [03:16.1 – 03:26.2] There was alcoholism, um, adultery, and a bunch of stuff that, um, kinda set the tone for, um, [03:26.2 – 03:27.0] me. [03:27.0 – 03:37.1] Like, seeing all those kinda things when I was that young, it kind of made me, um, start to have some beliefs about life, um, especially when I would go to school and talk to people about it, and nobody else [03:37.1 – 03:38.4] said that they had that experience. [03:38.4 – 03:47.7] And everybody else said, you know, “Oh, my parents do that too.” And so I started to tell myself that I was different, um, and that I was broken. [03:47.7 – 03:50.9] And so I kinda shut down and stopped sharing about that. [03:50.9 – 03:54.2] Um, when I was nine years old, my parents got a divorce. [03:54.2 – 04:00.7] Um, and I remember when they told me, they sat me and my sister down and told me, and I started, like, bursting out laughing. [04:00.7 – 04:05.6] And it was 'cause it was such a serious thing to happen, and I was nine years old, I didn't really know what to do. [04:05.6 – 04:10.8] But, like, I couldn't handle, um, something that serious being told to me. [04:10.8 – 04:15.5] So it was like, I don't know, just laughter was, like, the best way I could cope with it at the time. [04:15.5 – 04:21.3] I'm actually really glad that it happened, because they stopped fighting and cheating on each other when they weren't married anymore. [04:21.3 – 04:30.1] Um, but me having to go from house to house throughout middle school and high school when most of my friends weren't having to do that was, um, it was difficult. [04:30.1 – 04:35.1] Um, so I went to a private Christian school in Memphis, and very small. [04:35.1 – 04:37.4] My graduating class was 86 people. [04:37.4 – 04:43.6] And, um, up until, like, the middle of high school, I was the only person in my class that had divorced parents. [04:43.6 – 04:48.4] Um, and so, like I said, I'm starting to feel like an alien. [04:48.4 – 04:57.9] Um, and when I'm 13 years old, I start to feel, I start to, like, experience really severe depression. [04:57.9 – 05:02.9] So up until I was, like, 12 or 13, I was just kinda like a kid, you know? [05:02.9 – 05:11.1] I've got, like, this huge imagination, and then it just, like, puberty hit and I just kinda, like, reality of life hit, and I couldn't handle life the way it was. [05:11.1 – 05:16.0] And so I found my first unhealthy coping mechanism, and it was, um, self-harm. [05:16.0 – 05:26.0] And, um, I would just kinda, like, lock myself in my room, listen to really angsty, screamy music 'cause that just felt comfortable [05:26.0 – 05:26.4] to me. [05:26.4 – 05:26.8] You know what I mean? [05:26.8 – 05:28.1] 'Cause that's, like, how I felt inside. [05:28.1 – 05:29.2] Nothing against screaming. [05:29.2 – 05:30.3] If you still listen to that, that's cool. [05:30.3 – 05:30.8] Let it out. [05:30.8 – 05:33.8] But, um- It, uh… [05:33.8 – 05:36.0] I still do sometimes too, just 'cause I know all the words and stuff. [05:36.0 – 05:45.9] Um- But I, that's where I felt comfortable, was in my room, um, really angsty, black stuff. [05:45.9 – 05:50.8] Um, and I heard about self-harm by watching the TV show Degrassi. [05:50.8 – 05:56.8] There was this girl, her mom was an alcoholic, she was depressed, she was young, and then she cut herself. [05:56.8 – 06:01.1] And I was like, “That's to how I feel.” I should do that. [06:01.1 – 06:07.8] I bet Degrassi directors would be really upset that that's what happened, but, um, from their show being aired. [06:07.8 – 06:11.2] But, um, so that was my first c- coping mechanism. [06:11.2 – 06:21.2] Um, and then when I was 14, I started hanging out with kids from the public school across the street from my private school because they were honest and [06:21.2 – 06:23.6] open about, like, having dysfunctional families. [06:23.6 – 06:27.7] Um, and they partied. [06:27.7 – 06:29.3] And so it was like win-win. [06:29.3 – 06:34.1] You know, we can just like talk about how stuff at home is kinda shitty and then get high about it. [06:34.1 – 06:37.0] Um, so I really found my people there. [06:37.0 – 06:46.0] Um, and I smoked weed for the first time when I was 14, and I immediately stopped cutting because I found a, um, coping mechanism that I liked better. [06:46.0 – 06:54.2] And within six months of me taking my first hit of weed, I was addicted to bath salts, which is synthetic cocaine. [06:54.2 – 06:58.6] Um, which we don't really know what it is, you know. [06:58.6 – 06:59.7] It's kinda like Spice. [06:59.7 – 07:02.7] It's like, mm, it's rat poisoning sprayed on cardboard. [07:02.7 – 07:12.0] Um, they kept changing the formula because they kept saying, “This is gonna kill people.” Um, but yeah, when I was 15 years old, it was sold in gas stations. [07:12.0 – 07:15.9] Um, but like, that's not normal. [07:15.9 – 07:19.0] That's not normal experimentation, you know. [07:19.0 – 07:26.2] When they're like, “Oh, no, it's okay, she's just, you know, trying a little pot and a little beer.” No, I was snorting bath salts when I was 15 years old. [07:26.2 – 07:26.8] That's not normal. [07:26.8 – 07:30.2] Um, and I started doing it every day. [07:30.2 – 07:31.1] I would do it at school. [07:31.1 – 07:36.1] You know, I'm wearing like saddle oxfords and a plaid skirt at my Christian school, doing bath salts in the bathroom. [07:36.1 – 07:40.1] Like, s- I knew right off the bat that I was a drug addict. [07:40.1 – 07:46.5] Like, I just was like, “Okay.” I kinda knew I was gonna have a problem with it 'cause my mom, uh, is an alcoholic, and I watched it. [07:46.5 – 07:54.5] Um, and she stopped drinking when I was 13, but, um, she switched to, um, Adderall. [07:54.5 – 08:04.5] And so, um, anyways, um, so about li- about a year into me starting using and drinking, [08:04.5 – 08:11.8] I'm using something all day every day, drinking and smoking, um, my, um… [08:11.8 – 08:21.8] I, uh, my sister passed away from a car wreck, and she [08:21.8 – 08:26.8] was a sophomore at the University of Alabama, and I was a freshman in high school. [08:26.8 – 08:28.6] And, uh, she was normal. [08:28.6 – 08:31.1] Like, she was not an addict, an alcoholic. [08:31.1 – 08:35.0] Um, she was an awesome person. [08:35.0 – 08:36.5] She was a dancer. [08:36.5 – 08:46.6] And I just like, I had like, I had these like awful visions and nightmares and like nightmare daydreams of losing my [08:46.6 – 08:48.3] parents because my dad's like a rebel. [08:48.3 – 08:51.3] He was really into motorcycles for a while and kept getting hurt. [08:51.3 – 08:54.8] And then my mom's like just a mess, an addict, you know. [08:54.8 – 08:56.5] But my sister was kind- [08:56.8 – 09:04.4] Completely normal, very popular, very healthy, very happy, perfect grades, and then just out of nowhere she just died from a car wreck. [09:04.4 – 09:10.8] So I was really ripped up, but I didn't, I didn't grieve in a healthy way at all. [09:10.8 – 09:12.7] I just started using… [09:12.7 – 09:21.7] I had that coping mechanism for life, and now I have a, a huge, um, pain to make me wanna, like, use it even more, so that spiraled my addiction more. [09:21.7 – 09:31.6] Um, throughout high school I experimented with most every drug, hallucinogens, cocaine, ecstasy, pills. [09:31.6 – 09:41.6] Um, never thought, “Oh, I should, I should stay away from cocaine,” you know, like, “People get addicted to that,” or, um, “I should be careful about doing this or that.” Like, I just [09:41.6 – 09:45.3] didn't seem to care much about, like, my health or my future. [09:45.3 – 09:54.2] And I think I was like, I was in denial, 'cause I had this, like, white picket fence fu- future planned in my head, but, like, I wasn't doing anything to achieve that, you know? [09:54.2 – 09:59.3] I was just using substances every day to deal with, um, the problem within. [09:59.3 – 10:03.5] Um, and I was pretty… [10:03.5 – 10:11.1] God, just looking back at my perspective, it was like in the world every- everybody else was wrong and I was right. [10:11.1 – 10:19.5] Um, and the book says, “To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us got,” and that is exactly how I was living life, you know? [10:19.5 – 10:23.1] Every day I would be like, “Something's wrong. [10:23.1 – 10:26.5] I'm in a bad mood, and it's because so and so did this and that to me,” you know? [10:26.5 – 10:29.3] And never did I take responsibility for my own actions. [10:29.3 – 10:36.9] Um, so my senior year of high school, I feel pretty… [10:36.9 – 10:44.3] Like, I, I had a, I was popular, I had friends, but, like, I didn't hang out with any of them on the weekends at my school because they didn't use like I did. [10:44.3 – 10:50.1] Um, and so there was only one other classmate I had that used like I did, and his name's John. [10:50.1 – 10:57.9] And, um, we both got in trouble our senior year separately for different things, and both got, um, expelled from school. [10:57.9 – 11:05.3] And this was really bad, 'cause my dad had spent a lot of money for me to go to that school. [11:05.3 – 11:12.5] Um, another reason I felt left out, it was a very expensive school, and we spent, like, all our money on it, and everybody else just, like, had a ton of money. [11:12.5 – 11:17.2] Like, when we all turned 16 everybody got, like, BMWs and Audis and… [11:17.2 – 11:18.4] I don't even know if that's how you pronounce it. [11:18.4 – 11:20.3] Um, Audi. [11:20.3 – 11:21.7] Audi. [11:21.7 – 11:23.4] I think Audi's how you pronounce it. [11:23.4 – 11:31.4] Um, and so, and, and, and that just, that just wasn't my, uh, it just wasn't where my family and I were at. [11:31.4 – 11:34.7] So, um, my family was devastated. [11:34.7 – 11:39.5] You know, like, my sister was alive for 20 years, and she spent 18 of them at that school. [11:39.5 – 11:43.9] And, and I just threw away my chance of also graduating from there. [11:43.9 – 11:53.2] Um, so I went to a three-month program, outpatient, and I couldn't drink or use, but my school said if I finished it I could walk at graduation. [11:53.2 – 11:55.4] It was awful. [11:55.4 – 11:60.0] You know, my, my coping mechanism for life was taken out 'cause I couldn't use or drink. [11:60.0 – 12:08.1] Found my way around it here and there, but, like, that was one of the worst, like, chunk of three months, um, in my life that I can, I can think of. [12:08.1 – 12:11.7] Um, but I kind of, I made it through the program. [12:11.7 – 12:12.9] I walked at graduation. [12:12.9 – 12:13.9] John and I both did. [12:13.9 – 12:20.2] And then immediately after graduation it was balls to the wall, they say, I think. [12:20.2 – 12:22.0] Um, I, like… [12:22.0 – 12:23.7] Yeah. [12:23.7 – 12:30.4] And so, um, within a couple weeks of graduating John called me and he said, “Hey, I just did the coolest thing ever. [12:30.4 – 12:35.5] We just put this opiate in a needle and we shot it up.” And I was like, “Oh my God, that sounds so cool. [12:35.5 – 12:37.8] Come show me.” That's not normal. [12:37.8 – 12:38.5] That… [12:38.5 – 12:43.9] Most people aren't like, “Oh yeah, intravenous drug use.” Most people are like, “Yeah, that's awful. [12:43.9 – 12:47.1] I've already seen a documentary about it.” But I was like so excited. [12:47.1 – 12:57.3] Um, I remember when I was like 12 years old one of my friends was like, she was like, “Are you gonna like cuss?” You know, 'cause our sisters were the same age, and she was like, “Yeah, you know how Ashton [12:57.3 – 12:58.6] and Alexis cuss? [12:58.6 – 13:08.8] Like, are you gonna cuss one day?” And I was like, “Yeah.” She was like, “What about like marijuana?” And I was like, “I wanna try every drug once.” She was like, “Even like crack?” And I was like, “Yeah.” Oh. [13:08.8 – 13:11.0] I was like 12. [13:11.0 – 13:12.3] You know? [13:12.3 – 13:14.3] That's so, I mean, red flag. [13:14.3 – 13:18.5] Um, so once. [13:18.5 – 13:19.7] I mean, come… [13:19.7 – 13:20.0] Okay. [13:20.0 – 13:30.0] Um, so John came over, um, and I shot up a roxy, and that changed everything, you know? [13:30.0 – 13:39.4] Um, I'd always liked opiates, but like I was not only addicted to all drugs of all sorts and sizes, and opiates specifically, but now the needle. [13:39.4 – 13:46.8] Um, and so, um, shockingly I got a scholarship to go to the University of Arkansas. [13:46.8 – 13:51.9] And, um, went to the University of Arkansas, and I did this double life thing. [13:51.9 – 13:58.2] Like in high school I was like preppy school girl, pothead, and now in college I'm sorority girl, junkie. [13:58.2 – 14:04.0] So like I actually joined a sorority but was, like, shooting drugs in my dorm room. [14:04.0 – 14:14.4] It's wild for me to stand up here and tell y'all what my life was like, 'cause that was definitely my life and this is all true, but it just feels so, uh, like I'm so far removed [14:14.4 – 14:14.9] from it. [14:14.9 – 14:17.5] Um, but I'll never forget any of this stuff. [14:17.5 – 14:24.7] Um, so in, um, college I didn't have the normal college experience obviously. [14:24.7 – 14:26.8] Um, my parents started to get suspicious. [14:26.8 – 14:28.1] My dad would track my phone. [14:28.1 – 14:34.7] And he, he like wanted me to like, you know, be partying, going to the frat houses and going to class, like the college experience. [14:34.7 – 14:44.3] And so I would like go to the frat house and be like, “Hey, can you hold my phone for a few hours?” Give it to a dude, and then like go and get drugs and do drugs, and then like come pick it up. [14:44.3 – 14:46.4] And like never drank much at all in college. [14:46.4 – 14:47.8] This is not college, you know? [14:47.8 – 14:51.7] Um, so that was my, my freshman year of college. [14:51.7 – 14:53.0] My grades were awful. [14:53.0 – 15:03.5] And then, um, I I met, um, I met this group of people that didn't go to school at the University of Arkansas, but lived [15:03.5 – 15:06.8] in that area, and I was, like, partying with them. [15:06.8 – 15:13.5] And this one guy was, like, nodding off really heavily, just like, you know, like, couldn't stand up or anything. [15:13.5 – 15:14.8] And I was like… [15:14.8 – 15:24.9] Um, him and I were the only ones that smoked cigarettes, and we were sitting outside, and I was like: “What are you on?” And he was like: “Don't tell anyone, but it's heroin.” And I was like: “Oh, [15:24.9 – 15:26.3] can I have some?” And he was like: “Yeah. [15:26.3 – 15:36.2] We'll wait until the pharmacy opens in the morning and get, um, needles.” I was like: “Okay.” Um, and he died of an overdose. [15:36.2 – 15:39.3] I never got to use with him. [15:39.3 – 15:49.4] He– I didn't even know him very well, but, like, proof that I was already losing my soul was that, like, I didn't get super scared about the fact [15:49.4 – 15:59.8] that someone I was just talking about doing drugs with had just died or, like, was overwhelmed with, “Oh my God, this human is not here anymore.” Um, I actually, after his funeral, [15:59.8 – 16:08.7] um, one of his friends, I walked in on him in the bathroom, and he was, like, snorting heroin, and I was like, you know, “Where'd you get that?” And he said it was Damon's. [16:08.7 – 16:11.5] And I said: “Let me have some.” So I used… [16:11.5 – 16:17.5] The first time I used heroin was using the heroin that this, this man had just lost his life from. [16:17.5 – 16:20.6] That's not who I am today. [16:20.6 – 16:28.3] Um, but, um, fast-forward, it was a sh- it was, it was a shit storm. [16:28.3 – 16:28.9] It was awful. [16:28.9 – 16:32.5] Um, didn't keep going to Arkansas. [16:32.5 – 16:33.7] I didn't keep going to class. [16:33.7 – 16:43.0] Uh, I went home for the summer after my freshman year to Memphis, and my relationship with my dad is gone 'cause he knows I'm using drugs really badly. [16:43.0 – 16:48.1] He told me I couldn't come to Thanksgiving or Christmas at my grandparents' house unless I could pass a drug test. [16:48.1 – 16:52.0] Um, he took my car and my phone 'cause those were his that he owned. [16:52.0 – 16:56.3] And I just hated him so much 'cause he didn't… [16:56.3 – 16:58.3] I was like, “He doesn't love me. [16:58.3 – 16:59.2] He doesn't understand me. [16:59.2 – 17:00.3] He doesn't care about me. [17:00.3 – 17:07.2] You know, he liked my sister better, and he's just pissed that she's gone, and he's stuck with me.” And I was just consumed with that anger about him. [17:07.2 – 17:12.3] And, um, my mom never gave up on me, if you will. [17:12.3 – 17:15.9] I mean, she– I always stayed with my mom throughout the worst of my addiction. [17:15.9 – 17:18.4] She let me stay there, and that almost killed me. [17:18.4 – 17:26.5] Um, I actually, um, I went into the laundry room one day. [17:26.5 – 17:36.5] Um, there was a bag of white powder on the, uh, washing machine, and I was like, “Oh my God,” like, “my mom's doing cocaine.” Um, [17:36.5 – 17:40.8] and so like any concerned daughter, I took it and, and did it. [17:40.8 – 17:50.9] And then- I– like six days later, I was like still awake, hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, was, like, hallucinating, and I Googled it, and I was like, “I [17:50.9 – 17:53.3] think I did laced cocaine.” And they were like, “No [17:53.4 – 17:54.1] They did meth. [17:54.1 – 18:01.2] And I was like, “Oh.” So that was my first experience with meth and finding out that my mom is addicted to meth. [18:01.2 – 18:05.8] Um, and so then starts me using heroin and meth. [18:05.8 – 18:09.4] Um, my health declined rapidly. [18:09.4 – 18:19.6] Um, when I was 20 years old, I, um, started to, um, urinate brown, and my stool was gray. [18:19.6 – 18:21.2] Pigment switched. [18:21.2 – 18:26.7] And, um, I was really sick, but I was, like, doing nothing but drugs. [18:26.7 – 18:27.8] Like, I wasn't eating or sleeping. [18:27.8 – 18:30.8] I was literally just doing drugs and didn't have any friends, just living at my mom's house. [18:30.8 – 18:32.5] Disgusting. [18:32.5 – 18:36.7] And, um, I was really ill, and I didn't even really realize it. [18:36.7 – 18:40.1] Um, my mom noticed, and I went to the hospital. [18:40.1 – 18:42.4] It turned out I had an acute form of hepatitis C. [18:42.4 – 18:52.8] And, um, it's different than the hepatitis C that, like, we all have because I s- I joke that, like, I have, like, 500 heroin addict friends and, like, 490 of us have hepatitis [18:52.8 – 18:52.8] C. [18:52.8 – 18:56.3] Um, which is not as bad as it was when I was diagnosed. [18:56.3 – 18:59.4] There was no Harvoni or the simple cure. [18:59.4 – 19:06.1] Um, and I had an acute form that was, like, rare and killing me really quickly. [19:06.1 – 19:13.8] Um, and so when I was first hospitalized for my liver, um… [19:13.8 – 19:23.9] So I'm in the hospital, I get put into a hospital room after the emergency room, and then my dad calls me, which is crazy 'cause we don't- hadn't been talking for a [19:23.9 – 19:24.5] while. [19:24.5 – 19:34.9] And he said, um, “Granddaddy, uh, had heart attack, and we're, um, we're at- on the way to the hospital now.” And he told me the name of the hospital, [19:34.9 – 19:36.8] and that's the hospital that I was in. [19:36.8 – 19:46.9] And out of all the rooms in this huge hospital, this is the hospital I was born in in Memphis, out of all the rooms, I was placed in a room above the emergency room. [19:46.9 – 19:51.6] And so when he called me, I went and looked out the window and I watched them, um… [19:51.6 – 20:00.6] My grandfather had been airlifted in, and I watched them wheel him in, and my family was standing out there just devastated at my grandfather dying. [20:00.6 – 20:10.8] And I was up attached to the machine in a hospital room because of my own just letting my addiction, um, spiral into chaos, and I couldn't [20:10.8 – 20:11.7] be there for my family. [20:11.7 – 20:17.0] But even if I hadn't been admitted into the hospital, I would not have been there for my family. [20:17.0 – 20:18.4] I w- it wasn't me. [20:18.4 – 20:20.3] I wasn't a family member to them. [20:20.3 – 20:21.7] I had no soul. [20:21.7 – 20:26.5] It's really the best way that I can tell y'all, um, what it was like, and I'm sure a lot of y'all know what I'm talking about. [20:26.5 – 20:29.3] But it really felt like I was possessed. [20:29.3 – 20:34.8] Um, and so fast-forward, I went to treatment. [20:34.8 – 20:39.9] Um, my liver got really messed up again, had to leave treatment, go to the hospital. [20:39.9 – 20:45.9] Basically, probably similar to y'all's story, um, it was awful. [20:45.9 – 20:47.3] I kept getting in trouble. [20:47.3 – 20:51.6] Um, I, I wouldn't do anything the treatment centers would say, et cetera. [20:51.6 – 20:59.5] And then, um, finally, in January of 2016, I was arrested, um, and I didn't get out of it. [20:59.5 – 21:03.8] I have been in trouble with the law a bunch, and I always found a way to get out of it. [21:03.8 – 21:14.1] Um, my mom would come and, like, pull the “her sister died” card, or, “She went to this, you know, sweet Christian school.” And I would– I got out of a lot of arrests, [21:14.1 – 21:15.9] and then it didn't work this time. [21:15.9 – 21:21.0] They'd been watching me, and I was arrested for, like, attempting to traffic, um, and distribution. [21:21.0 – 21:22.3] I didn't even have the meth on me. [21:22.3 – 21:26.7] But, um, that arrest really saved my life. [21:26.7 – 21:29.3] Um, let's see. [21:29.3 – 21:37.8] Uh, it's my dog's fault, you guys. [21:37.8 – 21:40.0] Um, okay. [21:40.0 – 21:45.7] So I wanted to show y'all what it was like when, um, I was arrested. [21:45.7 – 21:52.2] I had dreadlocks, had wounds all over my face, and I was, like, a really weird mixture of fat and skinny. [21:52.2 – 21:54.6] Like, I was swollen, but I hadn't been eating. [21:54.6 – 22:00.8] And, um, dreadlocks are cool, but, like, you have to take care of them. [22:00.8 – 22:00.9] Mm-hmm. [22:00.9 – 22:04.9] And mine were started forming, forming naturally, and then I was like, “Oh, yeah, I'm hippie. [22:04.9 – 22:09.0] I'll just let 'em be.” And it was, like, one lock, you know? [22:09.0 – 22:11.6] It was really gross. [22:11.6 – 22:21.8] Um, but so when I was arrested, um, my dad, like, parked his car at the end of my mom's driveway to make sure that she wouldn't bail me out, and he was there for, [22:21.8 – 22:22.6] I… [22:22.6 – 22:29.1] It's all fuzzy, but he, he was there for a while trying to not let her get out, and when he left, she went and she came and bailed me out. [22:29.1 – 22:39.2] Um, because this whole time she's been just giving me money, um, like, not using money to support herself and her food, but I would just threaten her and tell her that, [22:39.2 – 22:43.4] you know, if she didn't give me money, that this and that was gonna happen to me and I'm gonna die from heroin withdrawals. [22:43.4 – 22:45.0] She must not have Googled. [22:45.0 – 22:45.9] That's not a thing. [22:45.9 – 22:52.2] Um, but at that, I used that excuse for a while, and, like, it was literally killing me to be enabled like that. [22:52.2 – 22:55.3] Um, but she was doing her best. [22:55.3 – 22:58.3] Codependency is a hell of a thing, though. [22:58.3 – 23:04.7] Um, and so after jail, um, I had a family friend come to me. [23:04.7 – 23:14.7] I had a couple people come to me and, and say, you know, “We'll take you to treatment.” I was like, “F off.” And then finally, one of my, uh, family friends came and he said, “I will take you to get heroin if you'll [23:14.7 – 23:17.4] go to treatment.” And I was like, “Okay.” Mm-hmm. [23:17.4 – 23:22.9] You know, I was– I didn't have a, I didn't have a ride, I didn't have money, I didn't have any resources, and so that was a deal I would do. [23:22.9 – 23:30.2] And so I woke up in Warrior, in this pretty place in the forest, I don't know if you guys can see. [23:30.2 – 23:33.2] Um, I'd never even really been to Alabama. [23:33.2 – 23:36.7] I've driven through it on the way to the beach, but I didn't really know much about it. [23:36.7 – 23:40.5] I thought that Birmingham was the capital for, like, two years. [23:40.5 – 23:45.7] Um, 'cause it's, like, the main, you know, in the middle is the main place. [23:45.7 – 23:46.6] I don't know. [23:46.6 – 23:49.4] Um, so I didn't really know anything about Alabama. [23:49.4 – 23:55.2] I woke up in Warrior, Alabama, and, um, had no intention of even attempting to stay clean. [23:55.2 – 24:05.4] I really, I really- I really didn't, and I think it's important to share that with y'all because e- even if you feel like you're not ready or you don't wanna try when you're in treatment, like, that can [24:05.4 – 24:07.2] change in a really short amount of time. [24:07.2 – 24:11.3] Um, so I didn't put any effort in, in the beginning. [24:11.3 – 24:21.4] Um, and then, within a week or two, I found myself, like, laughing and talking to the counselors and talking to staff and talking to the [24:21.4 – 24:25.6] girls in my cottage, and it was weird. [24:25.6 – 24:34.4] Like, I forgot what it sounded like when I laughed, and I wasn't laughing because I was on some cocktail of substances that made things funny. [24:34.4 – 24:38.9] I was laughing because there was actually something funny, and, like, there was just… [24:38.9 – 24:39.3] I don't know. [24:39.3 – 24:41.5] It, it was, um… [24:41.5 – 24:51.9] it was like my higher power just gave me a, a hint of open-mindedness and willingness and, like, the, um, desire to be honest. [24:51.9 – 25:01.9] And so, um, then I was, uh, moved to the coed cottage, which apparently is still a thing, and I don't know… [25:01.9 – 25:03.9] have my opinion on that. [25:03.9 – 25:05.7] I sure enjoyed it when I was there. [25:05.7 – 25:13.9] But, um, I met a guy, and he said that he was gonna go to sober living in Birmingham and work the 12 steps. [25:13.9 – 25:20.8] And I was like, “Well, I'm gonna go to sober living in Birmingham and work the 12 steps too, because you're doing it.” Um- … [25:20.8 – 25:23.8] and so I did, and I went to the sober living that was brand new. [25:23.8 – 25:32.3] I got to choose between one that has been around for a while, um, or one that was brand new, and I was like, “Well, I'm gonna do the one that's brand new, 'cause they don't know what they're doing. [25:32.3 – 25:35.9] Kinda get away with stuff.” And I get there, and I was the second person there. [25:35.9 – 25:41.7] Um, and I got a sponsor, and, um, her name is Dallas. [25:41.7 – 25:49.0] She is pretty intense, militant, because she was, like, in the military, so this is- … [25:49.0 – 25:49.5] legit. [25:49.5 – 25:53.0] Um, and she didn't take any crap from me. [25:53.0 – 25:56.1] There was never an excuse for me to not call her one day. [25:56.1 – 25:56.3] Mm-hmm. [25:56.3 – 26:01.1] You can't be so busy in one 24-hour period that you can't make a phone call. [26:01.1 – 26:02.1] It's 2019. [26:02.1 – 26:02.8] Mm-hmm. [26:02.8 – 26:03.6] There are phones everywhere. [26:03.6 – 26:08.0] Even if your sober living doesn't let you have your cell phone, they, they make sure that you're able to call your sponsor. [26:08.0 – 26:18.3] So stuff like that, she wouldn't let fly, and I needed that, because the, like, sweet enabling, like my mom loved me so much when I was using, did not help at all. [26:18.3 – 26:24.7] Um, but Dallas, you know, she really gave it to me straight and pushed me to work the steps. [26:24.7 – 26:29.2] Um, and I had a lot of free time in the beginning, and so I worked, um, the steps in four months. [26:29.2 – 26:30.9] Started sponsoring immediately. [26:30.9 – 26:38.7] Um, and at some point in there, I stopped doing it for this guy that I'd met in treatment, and started doing it for me. [26:38.7 – 26:48.7] Um, because when I was in treatment, they took me to an outside meeting at Jaffe, and it was a Heroin Anonymous meeting, and I'd never heard of [26:48.7 – 26:49.0] that. [26:49.0 – 26:49.9] Um- [26:50.9 – 26:54.3] I've been to a bunch of twelve-step meetings with different treatment centers I've been to. [26:54.3 – 27:03.4] But when I went to a Heroin Anonymous meeting, and sat down, and listened to the readings, and, like, the– what the people were saying, I had a spiritual experience. [27:03.4 – 27:13.4] Um, I, I can't– If it wasn't for Heroin Anonymous, I don't think I would have done this, and I don't think I would have gotten sober at all [27:13.4 – 27:15.3] because I was so closed-minded in the beginning. [27:15.3 – 27:21.0] I wouldn't listen to anyone that wasn't a heroin addict, um, because I just thought it was so different. [27:21.0 – 27:23.6] Um, there's– it's definitely different. [27:23.6 – 27:34.1] Um, but I see now, like, that I have a disease of addiction, and I can relate fully with a seventy-year-old male alcoholic who'd never even been arrested [27:34.1 – 27:36.1] and never lost his house or his kids or anything. [27:36.1 – 27:39.9] Like, I can relate because we're the same breed and have the same disease. [27:39.9 – 27:49.9] But these rooms of Heroin Anonymous, really, I just felt home, and that's also one of the reasons I decided to move to Birmingham 'cause there wasn't Heroin Anonymous in Memphis at that time. [27:49.9 – 27:55.5] Um, um, why don't– Well, I didn't write– I didn't do any of this. [27:55.5 – 27:57.7] I knew it was gonna happen. [27:57.7 – 27:59.5] Um, but okay. [27:59.5 – 28:04.2] So, um, to go through the twelve steps, I wanted to read something from this book called Drop the Rock. [28:04.2 – 28:11.2] Um, step one is about the problem, um, and bringing, bringing meaning to the struggle. [28:11.2 – 28:14.1] Step two is about the truth of the solution. [28:14.1 – 28:20.0] Step three is what blocks us from the solution and a spiritual experience. [28:20.0 – 28:25.1] Steps four through nine get us unblocked, and steps ten through twelve keep us unblocked. [28:25.1 – 28:35.2] And I really like, um, the way that that book phrases a lot of things, but the way that they put the twe– the steps into, um, that really, um, [28:35.2 – 28:37.4] put it into place for me. [28:37.4 – 28:43.7] Um, but through working the twelve steps, I lost the obsession to use. [28:43.7 – 28:53.8] And one way I can explain, y'all probably don't even need to hear it, but like, um, I was in love with heroin and the needle and all drugs, but [28:53.8 – 29:01.7] specifically that, and it was like an abusive lover, um, that I just, like, couldn't leave. [29:01.7 – 29:10.6] You know, like, it was an awful relationship, but I was so obsessed that I couldn't, me as a human, couldn't break away from it. [29:10.6 – 29:20.7] And so my higher power stepped in and helped me to just open my eyes for a second and open my ears for a second and just try this twelve-step thing 'cause part of the reason I twi– I tried it [29:20.7 – 29:22.7] was just to prove that it doesn't work for me. [29:22.7 – 29:28.1] Because like I said, I've grown up thinking that I'm, like, an alien, I'm broken, I'm different than other people. [29:28.1 – 29:33.7] And so when I came into the rooms, I thought I was terminally unique and that I was worse off than everyone. [29:33.7 – 29:42.4] I felt like that in other twelve-step meetings, and then I found the rooms of HA, and I was like, “I can't even use that excuse anymore.” Um, and so I did give it a shot. [29:42.4 – 29:48.9] Um, and now, um, I don't obsess over using heroin. [29:48.9 – 29:58.9] I rarely, very rarely have cravings, and when I do, it is a direct result of me letting up on my maintenance steps, um, or even just letting up on, like, I haven't worked the [29:58.9 – 29:59.6] steps in a year. [29:59.6 – 30:01.0] You know, something like that. [30:01.0 – 30:04.2] So like, I've worked the twelve steps at that time, and I'm working them again now. [30:04.2 – 30:09.5] Um, but I do ten, eleven, and twelve maintenance steps every day. [30:09.5 – 30:19.0] Um, prayer and meditation are a part of my daily life, and, like, there's certain things that are a part of my daily life now that are just habitual. [30:19.0 – 30:24.2] Like, it's habit for me to pray first thing, um, when I wake up in the morning. [30:24.2 – 30:25.2] It doesn't always happen. [30:25.2 – 30:30.4] Sometimes I'll be at work for a couple of hours and be, like, in a shitty mood and be like, “God, what is…” Uh, God. [30:30.4 – 30:31.4] Forgot about God. [30:31.4 – 30:41.4] Um, and for those of y'all that, like, don't love the word God or the God idea, I just encourage you to talk to people about it because you're not alone. [30:41.4 – 30:51.8] Um, I dare to say that most people that come into the rooms have an issue with that being in the steps, but, like, then they stick around, and then they find their own conception. [30:51.8 – 31:01.8] And I found my own conception of God, and we are super tight, and and I, I love it so much because there's so much in this life that, that hurts that [31:01.8 – 31:02.7] I can't handle. [31:02.7 – 31:09.6] There's stress, um, and there's pain, there's grief, and, like, I just– I'm too human to deal with it. [31:09.6 – 31:13.0] And so I just give it to my higher power, and then it works out. [31:13.0 – 31:20.4] 'Cause, like, when I try and make things work, when I try and control things, I end up with wounds on my face, dreadlocks, and in jail. [31:20.4 – 31:29.5] Um- But when I, like, you know, I, I ask God to take control of my life every day, and, like, my life is amazing today. [31:29.5 – 31:34.6] Um, I actually experience genuine happiness, and I never thought I could. [31:34.6 – 31:41.5] I really thought that I was, like, broken beyond repair. [31:41.5 – 31:50.6] And so when I realized that I was dying, when doctors were telling me that you're not gonna make it if you use when you get out of hospital, it didn't sound bad for things to end. [31:50.6 – 31:57.8] And, um, I just cannot believe that that has all changed because of this program. [31:57.8 – 31:59.2] It's so simple. [31:59.2 – 32:00.7] It really is. [32:00.7 – 32:05.5] Um, I had to put a lot of work into it, and I still do, but the work, like, feels good. [32:05.5 – 32:06.2] You know what I mean? [32:06.2 – 32:09.4] Like, sometimes doing a tenth step doesn't feel good at night. [32:09.4 – 32:14.0] Sometimes looking at my ego or my fear or my pride, like, doesn't feel good. [32:14.0 – 32:16.8] But once I've done it, it, it does. [32:16.8 – 32:20.6] Like, I, I keep doing these things because it's been proven that they work. [32:20.6 – 32:29.0] So I've noticed that if I quit doing a tenth step for cert– for weeks at a time, I start feeling like, uh, something's wrong. [32:29.0 – 32:39.1] And it's because I haven't even been looking at how I've been living my life every day to make sure that I'm progressing, to make sure that I'm trying to be closer with my higher power, to make sure that I'm not holding on to some resentment [32:39.1 – 32:39.6] from someone. [32:39.6 – 32:41.1] 'Cause I could be resentful at someone. [32:41.1 – 32:48.2] I can't think of a good example, but, like, um, something that's not even reality. [32:48.2 – 32:58.8] You know, like, I could see, like You know, some, you were to like, kind of like roll your eyes or something, and then every time I see you at a meeting I'm like, “That dick.” He wasn't, he thought my story was ridiculous. [32:58.8 – 32:59.7] I could just tell, you know. [32:59.7 – 33:02.4] He's like, got all these problems, but like, he had something in his eye. [33:02.4 – 33:03.0] You know what I mean? [33:03.0 – 33:03.1] Like… [33:03.1 – 33:06.9] So, and I could hold onto that, and that stuff keeps me sick. [33:06.9 – 33:11.5] Um, holding onto resentment keeps me sick, and then secrets keep me sick. [33:11.5 – 33:17.0] I think definitely one of the reasons that, um, I made it this far… [33:17.0 – 33:17.8] Oh, it's my sobriety date. [33:17.8 – 33:18.1] Shit. [33:18.1 – 33:21.4] Um, my sobriety date is February 9th, 2016. [33:21.4 – 33:25.1] Um, so I have a little, or next month will be three and a half years. [33:25.1 – 33:28.8] Um, but I wasn't perfect in early recovery. [33:28.8 – 33:38.8] Um, I definitely broke some sober living rules, um, but I was honest with my sponsor about it, and there was one time that I had a desire to [33:38.8 – 33:45.3] use, and my sponsor didn't answer, and I called the director of the halfway house that I was living at. [33:45.3 – 33:48.1] And I was like, man, she could just like say, “Oh, you can't do that. [33:48.1 – 33:52.4] Get out of here.” But she just talked to me for like 20 minutes, and then it went away. [33:52.4 – 33:58.5] And so I think, um, you know, one of the reasons I'm still here is because I was open about, like, everything. [33:58.5 – 34:04.3] I was so scared to make decisions in the beginning, I asked, I ran it all through my sponsor, and that was really helpful. [34:04.3 – 34:08.9] Um, so I told y'all about this guy I met in treatment. [34:08.9 – 34:14.7] Um, we actually did get into a serious relationship immediately. [34:14.7 – 34:19.8] Um, and you know, you're, they say you're not supposed to do that. [34:19.8 – 34:23.8] Um, but this wasn't just guy and girl meet in treatment. [34:23.8 – 34:29.2] Um, I used to, when I would tell my story, I wouldn't even mention that we met in treatment 'cause I didn't want people to think that's just what it was. [34:29.2 – 34:32.9] Um, but we were in love. [34:32.9 – 34:39.7] Really strong, intense love. [34:39.7 – 34:41.5] And I Shit. [34:41.5 – 34:43.9] Sorry for all the cussing too. [34:43.9 – 34:44.7] It just, it helps. [34:44.7 – 34:45.5] It really does. [34:45.5 – 34:55.5] Um, I, 'cause I, this is my first time in my life ever to experience genuine happiness aside from, like, the innocence of being a child and [34:55.5 – 34:57.7] not seeing, you know, life for what it is. [34:57.7 – 34:59.6] Life is great, but you know what I mean. [34:59.6 – 35:04.1] Um, and so sharing that with him, it was beautiful, it was amazing. [35:04.1 – 35:11.9] Um, and then when we both had six months, he relapsed, and my sponsor… [35:11.9 – 35:22.5] And then we tried to make it work, and then he relapsed again, and my sponsor said, um, “You need to separate from…” She suggested that I separate from him until he's finished working the 12 steps again. [35:22.5 – 35:23.6] So we did that. [35:23.6 – 35:25.9] He moved away for three months, worked the steps, came back. [35:25.9 – 35:28.0] Our relationship was a lot healthier. [35:28.0 – 35:38.0] Um, and then in May of 2017, um, I got a scholarship to go to a recovery conference for [35:38.0 – 35:46.5] college students, um, through the UAB Collegiate Recovery Community, and I was in Gainesville, Florida, and, um, for this conference. [35:47.1 – 35:57.4] And he, my boyfriend stopped responding to my text messages and, um, he relapsed and died from a heroin overdose. [35:57.4 – 36:07.0] Um, and I had 15 months, uh, in recovery, um, and I didn't use after that. [36:07.0 – 36:09.3] Uh, I lost it. [36:09.3 – 36:19.3] Um, I, I, I mean, I, I, I, I, I went, I mean, I don't have to tell you guys, you can only imagine, [36:19.3 – 36:20.8] or maybe you've experienced it yourself. [36:20.8 – 36:30.8] But, um, I think the reason I didn't use after that was because, um, on that day I woke up and I prayed and I meditated and I talked [36:30.8 – 36:32.9] to another addict alcoholic. [36:32.9 – 36:39.0] Um, and I was on the way to a recovery conference and I did everything I needed to do for my recovery on that day. [36:39.0 – 36:44.9] And when I found out that he passed away, um, I hysterically called my sponsor. [36:44.9 – 36:51.7] I was, um, and she gave me direction to come back to Birmingham and stay with her. [36:51.7 – 36:58.4] Um, the next day she made me pray, meditate, then go to a meeting the next day. [36:58.4 – 37:00.0] But, um, I stayed with her again. [37:00.0 – 37:03.3] And that turned out to be me living with my sponsor for two months. [37:03.3 – 37:07.8] She was seven months pregnant, married, and already had a two-year-old. [37:07.8 – 37:09.7] I guess Sloane was one then. [37:09.7 – 37:17.9] Like, and they were in a really small house and they just like, let me live there because, um, Drew died in my apartment, in my bedroom when I was out of town. [37:17.9 – 37:19.7] And so I could not go back there. [37:19.7 – 37:20.7] I had nowhere to go. [37:20.7 – 37:24.0] Um, and my sponsor took me in. [37:24.0 – 37:29.4] And I can't say I had nowhere to go, but I have so many women in my network. [37:29.4 – 37:34.2] If my sponsor hadn't been able to, I could just call the next and the next, and I would have had, um, someone to stay with. [37:34.2 – 37:41.3] But living with your sponsor when you're grieving and wanting to use, um, it was an incredible experience. [37:41.3 – 37:43.7] Like she's definitely saved my life multiple times. [37:43.7 – 37:48.6] Um, but every time I wanted to use after that, I told her and it cut it in half. [37:48.6 – 37:51.9] And then I took her suggestions and I never used after that. [37:51.9 – 38:02.0] Um, and that was, I, experiencing grief, like the way normal people do it [38:02.0 – 38:04.8] was very empowering. [38:04.8 – 38:10.2] You know, I lost my sister when I was 15 years old and all I did was use drugs about it for five years. [38:10.2 – 38:12.1] And then I got into recovery and had to deal with it. [38:12.1 – 38:22.1] And so losing Drew and not using drugs or unhealthy coping mechanisms to mask it and actually going through it the way, like a healthy way, like working with God [38:22.1 – 38:25.3] about it, being pissed at God and talking to God about it and going to therapy. [38:25.3 – 38:30.1] Like it was so like, I mean, I've just gotten so much stronger from that. [38:30.1 – 38:35.8] And, um, I asked my sponsor, like, why should I not use about this? [38:35.8 – 38:40.8] Because we tried to find someone in Birmingham that had experienced this and stayed clean and we couldn't. [38:40.8 – 38:42.5] And I was like, well then why should I? [38:42.5 – 38:44.5] And she said, because it's going to happen to someone else. [38:44.5 – 38:49.3] And then you can be the person that helps them get through it because it is going to happen to someone else. [38:49.3 – 38:56.6] It does happen because people like us are, you know, we're fighting an epidemic right now. [38:56.6 – 39:02.6] But people like us that keep coming to these meetings and sharing and getting involved, we're literally fighting it. [39:02.6 – 39:08.7] You know, like we're on firing lane working, um, to stop this epidemic. [39:08.7 – 39:15.6] Um, one other thing I wanted to share about is service and HA. [39:15.6 – 39:18.5] Um, this is my home. [39:18.5 – 39:22.9] I know some of the Silver Spoon, um, homies might not recognize me. [39:22.9 – 39:25.3] Silver Spoon was like my like home group. [39:25.3 – 39:31.6] I had, I got my first service position here when I had 90 days and kept different service positions for like two and a half years. [39:31.6 – 39:36.7] Um, and then my home has kind of shifted to other HA meetings in the area, Dark Side of the Spoon. [39:36.7 – 39:39.9] Now it's shifted to the Abbey, still love Breaking Point. [39:39.9 – 39:45.1] Like it's all my home, but, um, I love having service positions. [39:45.1 – 39:48.7] Secretary is kind of my main jam, but activities chair is awesome too. [39:48.7 – 39:51.5] If y'all don't know what I'm talking about, go to a business meeting. [39:51.5 – 39:53.4] I'm kind of a business meeting nerd. [39:53.4 – 39:55.4] Um, it's a rare breed. [39:55.4 – 40:02.9] You know, everybody's like, “Let's get out of here and smoke.” And I'm like, “We have more business to cover.” Um, that normally bothers people. [40:02.9 – 40:08.9] But, um, Heroin Anonymous is a rather small fellowship in comparison to other 12-step fellowships. [40:08.9 – 40:14.1] And that has given me the opportunity to be involved at a huge scale. [40:14.1 – 40:21.3] Um, so I was elected as the, one of the now three delegates of Heroin Anonymous of Alabama area. [40:21.3 – 40:31.4] And so the area helps raise money to send me and the other delegates across the country to the world conferences so that we vote in honor of Alabama [40:31.4 – 40:32.3] on major issues. [40:32.3 – 40:34.5] Like we have an 18-month key tag. [40:34.5 – 40:40.6] Last year when we went to Oregon for the Heroin Anonymous World Convention, we voted that in, you know. [40:40.6 – 40:45.1] And Al– I guess representative for Alabama, Jake and I were like, “Yeah, 18-month key tag. [40:45.1 – 40:45.4] Why not? [40:45.4 – 40:53.3] Sounds awesome.” You know, so like major stuff like that, talking about literature, talking about, um, our singleness of purpose, making major changes to HA. [40:53.3 – 40:57.0] Like I actually, um, love to be of service in that way. [40:57.0 – 41:07.1] And last week I was in Phoenix, Arizona at the, uh, Heroin Anonymous World Conference, and it's like 25 hours of business meeting over three days, [41:07.1 – 41:07.9] and it's heated. [41:07.9 – 41:15.1] But it's like, because we're all so passionate about fighting heroin addiction and how we've, you know, recovered through this program. [41:15.1 – 41:19.4] Um, but I've made lifelong friends from all over the country. [41:19.4 – 41:22.3] Um, and it's beautiful. [41:22.3 – 41:22.9] It's amazing. [41:22.9 – 41:33.0] Um, um, one thing the book says, it says, “More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.” Um, I didn't know who I was when I came [41:33.0 – 41:37.6] into this program, but I've learned, um, that I love helping others. [41:37.6 – 41:41.2] Uh, definitely did not care about that for years. [41:41.2 – 41:43.2] I only cared about helping myself. [41:43.2 – 41:47.8] And I've switched up my track when I was in school in Arkansas. [41:47.8 – 41:54.9] I started going to UAB and changed my major to social work, just graduated with a degree in social work, and now I'm starting graduate school. [41:54.9 – 41:59.2] Um- To be a substance abuse mental health counselor. [41:59.2 – 42:04.3] Um, I just, like, I love sponsorship. [42:04.3 – 42:05.8] I love telling my story. [42:05.8 – 42:15.9] I love being of service in all these different ways, but I also want to, like, make a career of helping people, especially with, like, dig-digging deep with trauma and grief because that definitely does affect, [42:15.9 – 42:19.8] um, being an addict and ending up in these rooms. [42:19.8 – 42:24.5] Um, I worked at that sober living that I went through, worked there for a year. [42:24.5 – 42:26.7] I work at an inpatient treatment center right now. [42:26.7 – 42:27.9] Like, I love you guys. [42:27.9 – 42:32.4] You know, even, even working at an inpatient treatment center where there's detox, and there's anger. [42:32.4 – 42:34.3] Y'all just take it out on us. [42:34.3 – 42:35.0] I did that. [42:35.0 – 42:35.8] You know? [42:35.8 – 42:39.2] Like, I did that when I was in treatment, so I don't take it personally most of the time. [42:39.2 – 42:44.2] Um, and so I've just really found myself. [42:44.2 – 42:44.8] I found my… [42:44.8 – 42:46.1] what I think my calling is. [42:46.1 – 42:49.9] God might show me in a couple years, like, “Actually, no,” and I'll just roll with it. [42:49.9 – 42:54.5] Um, like, I've found that I love traveling. [42:54.5 – 43:03.7] I traveled some when I was using, and all I did was try and find– like, look up the, the drug names in different languages when I was in Europe. [43:03.7 – 43:07.3] And I would run around like, “Mota, mota,” which is marijuana in Spanish, when I was in Spain. [43:07.3 – 43:09.0] That's what I did in Spain. [43:09.0 – 43:14.1] But nowadays, when I travel, like, I, like, connect with God just from seeing His work. [43:14.1 – 43:17.8] Um, and it's absolutely amazing. [43:17.8 – 43:24.0] Um, um, man, lots of good stuff I missed out on. [43:24.0 – 43:24.3] Mm. [43:24.3 – 43:32.1] Um, but I am so grateful to be here with you guys. [43:32.1 – 43:34.6] Um, like, I was super nervous, but… [43:34.6 – 43:40.7] And I don't know all of you and know most of you, but I feel like I've been talking to, um, my family, you know. [43:40.7 – 43:42.8] Um, thank you so much for letting me be of service. [43:42.8 – 43:59.3] All [43:59.3 – 44:09.3] right, let's give our speaker another hand for sharing their- If you have a desire to use, please talk to one of our home group members [44:09.3 – 44:09.9] after the meeting. [44:09.9 – 44:11.1] We're all here to help. [44:11.1 – 44:12.6] HA believes in sponsorship. [44:12.6 – 44:15.6] Is there anyone here who is in need of a sponsor? [44:15.6 – 44:16.4] Please raise your hand. [44:16.4 – 44:17.5] All right. [44:17.5 – 44:20.4] Now, is there anyone here who is willing and able to sponsor? [44:20.4 – 44:21.3] Please raise your hand. [44:21.3 – 44:24.7] If you do not have a sponsor, talk to one of these members after the meeting. [44:24.7 – 44:28.1] HA is responsible for the housekeeping inside and outside of our meeting place. [44:28.1 – 44:31.4] We like our meeting place and would like to keep it, so please help us clean up. [44:31.4 – 44:35.3] In keeping with our twelfth tradition, we ask that you please respect others' anonymity. [44:35.3 – 44:39.6] It is okay for me to say that I was here, but it is not okay for me to say that you were here. [44:39.6 – 44:43.2] Um, let's close with a moment of silent meditation followed by our prayer.