Transcript

[00:00.1 – 00:01.3] I'm a recovered heroin addict. [00:01.3 – 00:09.3] It is an honor and ple- pleasure to be here tonight to get to share my experience, strength and hope with you guys. [00:09.3 – 00:10.9] Um, couple of things. [00:10.9 – 00:15.3] Um, my sobriety date is October 21st of 2015. [00:15.3 – 00:18.1] Um, I have a sponsor. [00:18.1 – 00:20.0] I have a home group, the Get to Steppin home group. [00:20.0 – 00:21.7] I'm also the GSR for that meeting. [00:21.7 – 00:28.6] Um, currently, with the way that our meetings are set up, I'm also the GSR for the Sunday meeting, which is primary purpose. [00:28.6 – 00:38.6] Um, I have recently accepted a service position with the Main Line newsletter, which I have printed some copies, so if anybody [00:38.6 – 00:43.3] wants one, I have some up here, and there's also some on the back table back by the flyers. [00:43.3 – 00:50.4] Um, this is a newsletter that kind of, like, joins together all of the different regions. [00:50.4 – 00:59.9] I'm the regional content seeker for our area, so if anybody has a story that they would like to share, um, that they would like to write, um, please see me after the meeting. [00:59.9 – 01:01.6] I can get you hooked up with that. [01:01.6 – 01:11.7] Um, anybody who's a GSR or somebody who, you know, has a good story to write about some meetings that have been, um, doing really well or just, [01:11.7 – 01:15.7] you know, need some attention, something like that, it's always good to write a story. [01:15.7 – 01:18.7] The whole, um, HA world sees it, so… [01:18.7 – 01:29.2] I can tell you one thing, that, um, I am a recovered heroin addict, and the reason I say that is because that's one of the promises [01:29.2 – 01:36.8] that this book, um, gives us, is that we do recover from this hopeless condition of mind and body. [01:36.8 – 01:41.7] Um, I'm not only a recovered heroin addict, but I'm also a born-again believer and follower of Jesus Christ. [01:41.7 – 01:46.9] So when I talk about God, when I talk about my higher power, that's who I'm speaking about. [01:46.9 – 01:50.0] Um, there's a lot of different words for God in the big book. [01:50.0 – 01:55.5] Higher power, you know, God, what, uh, God of your own understanding. [01:55.5 – 01:57.3] Um, that is the God of my understanding. [01:57.3 – 02:02.0] That is the truth that I believe in, so when you hear me talking about God, that's who I'm speaking about. [02:02.0 – 02:09.0] Um, and I only mention that because there's a, a lot of, um, different ideas about things like that. [02:09.0 – 02:12.1] I don't try to shove my opinion of God down anyone's throat. [02:12.1 – 02:20.2] It's just that I believe it with my whole heart, so when I speak about it boldly, you know that it's, it's not that I'm trying to shove it down your throat. [02:20.2 – 02:30.3] It's just that for me, the, the bondage and misery that God set me free from, um, I'm, I'm just so grateful for that, so I, I give Him all the glory, [02:30.3 – 02:37.3] um, when I, when I share and when I talk about how I got to where I am today, 'cause I could not have done it without Him. [02:37.3 – 02:41.2] Um, so I'll tell you a little about, about my story of where I started out. [02:41.2 – 02:43.2] Um, I'm from the East Coast originally. [02:43.2 – 02:52.1] I grew up right outside of Baltimore City, like maybe 10, 15 minutes outside of Baltimore, which we know is the heroin hub of, you know, the East Coast. [02:52.1 – 02:53.2] It's pretty bad over there. [02:53.2 – 02:58.4] Um, I didn't start using heroin until I was much older. [02:58.4 – 03:02.7] Um, I grew up in a broken home of two drug addict parents. [03:02.7 – 03:09.0] Um, my grandparents raised me, and they were amazing, loving people. [03:09.0 – 03:10.7] Um, they raised me right. [03:10.7 – 03:12.2] I did bad all by myself. [03:12.2 – 03:18.4] Um, I, I did, I was predisposed for addiction, you know, so the, so the doctors say. [03:18.4 – 03:24.4] Um, I, I was, I think I was born with the allergy, because even from the time I was a child, I never quite felt right. [03:24.4 – 03:26.3] I never felt like I fit in. [03:26.3 – 03:28.2] I had a hard time connecting. [03:28.2 – 03:34.0] I was always seeking love, and maybe some of that came from the abandonment of my mom leaving when I was a little girl. [03:34.0 – 03:40.7] Um, and when I was a child, I always said that I would never grow up to be like my mother, but I sure as hell got really close to it. [03:40.7 – 03:44.3] Um, we'll get to that a little bit later, though. [03:44.3 – 03:54.4] Um, you know, when I, when I started growing up, um, my grandparents raised me going to church, so I had an [03:54.4 – 03:55.0] understanding. [03:55.0 – 03:59.9] I had a foundation built knowing who God was from the time I was a s- a small child. [03:59.9 – 04:05.9] Um, I got saved and baptized when I was 11 years old, and I had a love for the Lord. [04:05.9 – 04:11.1] But when I hit around 13, 14 years old, that seemed to not be so cool anymore. [04:11.1 – 04:19.2] So I stopped going to church, and I started, um, dressing a little bit differently than I used to. [04:19.2 – 04:27.0] And, you know, I was starting to come into my shape and, you know, I, I liked the attention that I got from my curves and this and that. [04:27.0 – 04:30.4] And, uh, I was seeking the attention of men at that time. [04:30.4 – 04:32.4] Even from a young age, I know that I was. [04:32.4 – 04:37.5] Um, and that's probably due to the fact that my father was somewhat absent in my life. [04:37.5 – 04:39.8] Like I said, he was an addict in active addiction. [04:39.8 – 04:49.9] Um, I have complete forgiveness and understanding for his absence and the absence of my mother now because I fully understand this disease, and I see [04:49.9 – 04:54.3] it so clearly, um, the reason that everything happened. [04:54.3 – 05:00.5] Um, part of me letting go of resentments when I did my fourth step was letting those things go. [05:00.5 – 05:02.3] We'll get to that in a minute. [05:02.3 – 05:12.3] Um, so as I was separated from my flock, so to speak, um, [05:12.3 – 05:18.1] stopped going to church, started, you know, hanging out with some different circles of people. [05:18.1 – 05:21.9] First time I ever got drunk, I was like 15 years old. [05:21.9 – 05:23.9] Drank until I threw up. [05:23.9 – 05:25.2] It was disgusting. [05:25.2 – 05:26.9] I, I didn't like drinking. [05:26.9 – 05:29.9] It was not fun to me, but I wanted to be a part of the crowd. [05:29.9 – 05:33.7] The people who I wanted to hang out with, that's what they were doing, so that's what I was doing. [05:33.7 – 05:38.0] Spending the night over at my friend's house and sneaking out, doing all of those things. [05:38.0 – 05:46.2] The reason I'm telling you about these things I was doing when I was 14, 15 years old is 'cause I, as I tell you my story, you will see how progressive this disease is. [05:46.2 – 05:48.8] It doesn't just start, “Oh, you know, here I am. [05:48.8 – 05:54.8] I'm just gonna stick this needle in my arm.” And that does happen for some, but that's not the way that my story went. [05:54.8 – 05:58.7] Um, it, it, it came upon slowly in my life. [05:58.7 – 06:02.1] It, it gradually turned into what it became. [06:02.1 – 06:07.2] Um, but what I'm saying is, is that on the inside, there was always something wrong. [06:07.2 – 06:09.0] There was something that wasn't quite right. [06:09.0 – 06:19.3] There was a, an, an empty void of space there, which you would have thought that my re- me knowing who God was, that me knowing who God is now- [06:19.3 – 06:22.0] Fills that void, that's the f- sufficient substitute. [06:22.0 – 06:25.7] But back then, I d- it was such a baseline. [06:25.7 – 06:29.5] Like, I didn't understand about having a relationship with God. [06:29.5 – 06:32.8] I just knew there was a God, and I was like, “Man, He seems pretty awesome. [06:32.8 – 06:33.6] Cool.” You know? [06:33.6 – 06:37.6] And I was, I was all about that until it wasn't cool anymore. [06:37.6 – 06:42.5] Anyway, so first time I ever got drunk, you know, got sick. [06:42.5 – 06:44.4] Didn't like that at all. [06:44.4 – 06:49.9] But then I started hanging out with a different crowd of people, and they were smoking weed and, you know. [06:49.9 – 06:51.3] And I was like, “Okay, I like this. [06:51.3 – 06:51.9] I like this. [06:51.9 – 06:53.0] This doesn't make me throw up. [06:53.0 – 06:54.3] I'm all right with that.” You know? [06:54.3 – 07:00.6] I, I just kinda hang out and chill, and everything's cool, and these people look like they're having a good time. [07:00.6 – 07:03.0] And so that's what I started doing first. [07:03.0 – 07:13.1] Um, and that's where as one substance after another started entering into my life, um, it progressively was getting worse and [07:13.1 – 07:13.5] worse. [07:13.5 – 07:19.2] Uh, when I was a senior in high school, I started eating ecstasy every weekend with my friends, and that was fun. [07:19.2 – 07:21.4] I had a really good time doing that, I'm not gonna lie. [07:21.4 – 07:22.0] It was fun. [07:22.0 – 07:25.6] I'm not gonna say it was horrible and terrible, 'cause it wasn't, until the drugs ran out. [07:25.6 – 07:35.7] And that was like, n- now that I look back, and like when I did my step work and I look back at the beginning when I started doing real partying with my friends and we were eating ecstasy [07:35.7 – 07:36.9] every single weekend. [07:36.9 – 07:41.1] And, you know, I always used differently than other people did. [07:41.1 – 07:41.4] You know? [07:41.4 – 07:44.0] My friends who didn't turn… [07:44.0 – 07:47.3] Well, some of my friends turned into hardcore addicts, but some of them didn't. [07:47.3 – 07:54.9] Some of them just partied, and then they went on with their jobs and their lives, and, you know, they went on to be normies, and that's okay. [07:54.9 – 07:57.1] But, uh, that was not my story. [07:57.1 – 08:06.5] Um, for me, even back then when, when we were all partying and hanging out, I was the one that was like, “Okay.” I was the last man standing every time. [08:06.5 – 08:13.3] I was like, “Okay, well, where's the next party?” You know, everybody's like, “Man, we're going to bed.” I'm just like, “Nope, we're j- this is just getting started. [08:13.3 – 08:14.9] What do you mean we're going to sleep? [08:14.9 – 08:15.6] It's over? [08:15.6 – 08:16.5] There's no more drugs? [08:16.5 – 08:17.4] There's gotta be more. [08:17.4 – 08:20.7] Call someone.” That's how I was right from the beginning. [08:20.7 – 08:23.7] Right from the beginning, I always wanted more. [08:23.7 – 08:25.8] I always wanted the party to keep going. [08:25.8 – 08:31.6] So when I was 18 years old, I switched crowds again. [08:32.1 – 08:34.2] Because I progressively was getting worse. [08:34.2 – 08:39.3] My desire to party and use and everything was progressively getting worse. [08:39.3 – 08:49.2] So the crowd of friends who I had at the time, they weren't really good with my kind of partying, so I had to move to a different circle. [08:49.2 – 08:52.5] So I moved to the circle of people that were partying harder. [08:52.5 – 08:54.0] Then I fit right in. [08:54.0 – 08:55.7] We all had the same mindset. [08:55.7 – 08:57.7] You know, there was unity in that crowd. [08:57.7 – 09:04.3] We were like, “Yeah, we're gonna go until we pass out, till we run out of money, we run out of drugs, there's nobody to hustle,” whatever it was. [09:04.3 – 09:12.5] So the friends of mine that I started using with like that introduced me to a substance that I hadn't even heard of at the time. [09:12.5 – 09:15.0] Now, mind you, this is, like, the year 2000. [09:15.0 – 09:21.9] Meth was not as popular and well-known as it is today, and I didn't know anything about it. [09:21.9 – 09:24.2] When I was growing up and when the D.A.R.E. [09:24.2 – 09:27.3] program where they teach you to just say no, I … [09:27.3 – 09:29.0] You know, I had heard about heroin. [09:29.0 – 09:30.7] Ooh, that's really, really bad. [09:30.7 – 09:31.9] I'll never do that. [09:31.9 – 09:33.4] You know, I heard about crack cocaine. [09:33.4 – 09:43.5] That was what my dad used to smoke when he would be a weekend warrior, and he'd come home after spending his entire paycheck at the end of the weekend, and my grandmother wouldn't let him in, 'cause he lived [09:43.5 – 09:44.1] in the basement. [09:44.1 – 09:48.2] She wouldn't let him in, 'cause she was trying to not enable him and show him some tough love. [09:48.2 – 09:51.2] But that was Daddy, and I used to always go and unlock the door for him. [09:51.2 – 09:56.8] I never thought that those things really affected me, but as I … [09:56.8 – 10:02.4] Like I said, as I did my step work and I looked back at these things, I know that, in fact, it did have an impact on me. [10:02.4 – 10:06.2] So, you know, I obviously knew that crack was really bad. [10:06.2 – 10:07.7] I would never do that. [10:07.7 – 10:17.7] So then, you know, of course, I knew some other things were not a good idea, but meth, I had never heard of that, and they looked like they [10:17.7 – 10:18.5] were having fun. [10:18.5 – 10:19.9] You know, it … [10:19.9 – 10:22.1] And my friend offered it to me. [10:22.1 – 10:32.2] I said, “Okay, I'll try it,” and I took one hit of it and I pulled a $20 bill out of my purse and I said, “Give me some more.” And that went on for a very long time. [10:32.2 – 10:37.4] Um, I started using meth every single day from that point forward. [10:37.4 – 10:39.7] I ended up with a boyfriend who sold it. [10:39.7 – 10:42.4] That seems to be a pattern in my story that you will notice. [10:42.4 – 10:52.5] Um, once again, my, all of my friends who were my friends before were no longer my friends because they saw the condition that [10:52.5 – 10:57.2] I was in, that I dropped about 15 pounds in a single month. [10:57.2 – 11:10.2] Um, when I would go home to see my grandparents, whenever I would make it home, 'cause I was still living at home at the time, my [11:10.2 – 11:11.7] grandmother thought I looked like a demon. [11:11.7 – 11:15.9] I have green eyes, and my grandmother said that my eyes used to be solid black. [11:15.9 – 11:21.1] You couldn't even see the color or the iris around, around my pupils, because I was just so high all the time. [11:21.1 – 11:31.4] I shoved her one night when she was trying to stop me from leaving, 'cause she just wanted to help me, and her ribs were bruised [11:31.4 – 11:34.2] for, like, two weeks, and I felt really … [11:34.2 – 11:38.5] I had to make th- I had to make that direct amend, because that, that really stuck with me. [11:38.5 – 11:40.7] So later on down the road, I had to apologize for that. [11:40.7 – 11:41.9] I wasn't myself. [11:41.9 – 11:43.8] I wasn't in my right mind. [11:43.8 – 11:46.5] You know, the drugs had a hold of me even then. [11:46.5 – 11:51.2] I was 18 years old, and I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. [11:51.2 – 11:56.4] So the boyfriend who was selling the meth at the time ended up going to jail. [11:56.4 – 12:01.1] And I called my mom, who lived out in California. [12:01.1 – 12:05.0] She hadn't been around pretty much my entire life. [12:05.0 – 12:10.0] She used to come into my life and make a bunch of promises and then disappear for multiple years at a time. [12:10.0 – 12:18.8] Uh, the longest stretch was right before this period of time where I got involved in these drugs, and it had probably been about 10 years, and I didn't know whether she was alive or dead. [12:18.8 – 12:26.3] Come to find out she was out in California living a very alternative lifestyle in the adult industry. [12:26.3 – 12:30.2] And, um, you know, she did quite well for herself. [12:30.2 – 12:33.3] Traveled the world and did all kinds of things. [12:33.3 – 12:43.4] And at some point in time, I guess her conscience got to her bad enough and she decided that she was gonna call us kids, and me and my brother, and, you know, see how we were doing. [12:43.4 – 12:53.6] We had just barely started a relationship where we were talking on the phone once in a while, and I remember that when my boyfriend got arrested, I was like, “Oh,” I was like, “I'll call my mom. [12:53.6 – 12:54.3] She'll help me. [12:54.3 – 12:55.1] She'll help. [12:55.1 – 13:00.6] She'll give me some money to bail him out of jail.” And instead, she offered me a plane ticket to move out to California with her. [13:00.6 – 13:10.8] So I don't know about you guys, but the whole plan when I moved out there was to get me away from the meth, and I don't know if anybody knows how [13:10.8 – 13:17.8] good of an idea it was to move to the methamphetamine state to get off of speed or to run from my problems. [13:17.8 – 13:20.4] Has anybody else had success running from your problems? [13:20.4 – 13:22.3] Yeah, no, me either. [13:22.3 – 13:25.7] So when I got out to California, it was really on. [13:25.7 – 13:28.6] About five years I lived out there. [13:28.6 – 13:33.1] Um, started out, you know, I was working and … [13:33.1 – 13:35.6] But it wasn't, it didn't take me long to find what I was looking for. [13:35.6 – 13:38.4] Because anytime I want something, I go get it. [13:38.4 – 13:39.4] I find a way. [13:39.4 – 13:41.8] I always find a way to get what I want. [13:41.8 – 13:52.0] Um, so when I lived out in California, about five years I spent out there, and my taste in men has always [13:52.0 – 13:53.8] been deplorable, until recently. [13:53.8 – 13:57.6] Um, I had a thing for the bad boys. [13:57.6 – 14:02.6] Like I was saying, I was always seeking attention from men, and for some reason I always had a thing for the bad boys. [14:02.6 – 14:08.6] If there was, like, a tattooed, bald-headed Mexican gangster, that was, that was who I wanted to … [14:08.6 – 14:10.8] That was probably who I was dating, you know? [14:10.8 – 14:12.5] And there's plenty to choose from, so. [14:12.5 – 14:14.9] You know, I, I … [14:14.9 – 14:15.8] Don't laugh at me. [14:15.8 – 14:17.2] That's my daughter right there. [14:17.2 – 14:17.8] She knows. [14:17.8 – 14:18.7] She knows. [14:18.7 – 14:26.1] She's like, “Oh, man.” Anyway, so my point is, is that I was living a lifestyle that was not me. [14:26.1 – 14:31.0] You know, I had this facade on, whatever it was. [14:31.0 – 14:36.8] But for me it's like, you know, I grew up in Maryland with my grandparents, who were very overprotective. [14:36.8 – 14:38.8] I didn't know a thing about the world. [14:38.8 – 14:45.1] I was very naive, and here I was in, in LA and It's off the hook out there. [14:45.1 – 14:55.4] And I had this habit that took me to places that were not safe for me, and this desire that I had for this particular type of men took me to places that was not safe for me. [14:55.4 – 15:06.0] And had it not been for God's grace and mercy protecting me through this entire period of time, I could have lost my life, and I can tell you that I put myself in situations that it is a miracle [15:06.0 – 15:09.8] that I am not dead or in prison for the rest of my life. [15:09.8 – 15:13.4] Um, they took advantage of the fact that I had no record. [15:13.4 – 15:16.0] I didn't look like a tweaker, you know? [15:16.0 – 15:26.4] And the way that, um, the way that I allowed myself to be treated throughout those years living homeless, you know, going from this place to that place, um, I accepted [15:26.4 – 15:30.7] that, and I thought that that was okay, um, 'cause I was having a good time, right? [15:30.7 – 15:31.5] Until I wasn't. [15:31.5 – 15:34.5] Um, it was about… [15:34.5 – 15:41.7] I had lived out there for about five years when I met my daughter's father. [15:41.7 – 15:44.3] He was a white boy from Wisconsin. [15:44.3 – 15:53.4] He was very different from all of the men that I had been running around with and wasting my time with and being hurt by all of those years. [15:53.4 – 15:56.1] And I was like, “Oh, man, he's different. [15:56.1 – 16:02.2] This one won't be like them.” Um, but he was a drug addict, too, same drug of choice. [16:02.2 – 16:05.2] And 'nough… [16:05.2 – 16:09.6] about a year went by, and then I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. [16:09.6 – 16:19.7] Um, I think that around the time when I first got pregnant with her was when I went to jail the first time I ever ended up in jail for stealing a car, and I think [16:19.7 – 16:29.8] it's a miracle that I ended up in jail for that few weeks because I think that is the reason that my daughter survived in my body, was because [16:29.8 – 16:37.0] I had that period of time where her little embryo was able to be healthy enough to survive. [16:37.0 – 16:41.8] Because my body was not healthy, and I didn't know that I was pregnant, obviously. [16:41.8 – 16:44.5] Um, and I was about… [16:44.5 – 16:49.4] And I'm not embarrassed to talk about this because it's some real shit about HA. [16:49.4 – 16:53.5] It's a real shit about recovery that these things happened, you know? [16:53.5 – 16:57.5] I was four and a half months pregnant before I stopped using. [16:57.5 – 17:03.8] Um, and it took my mother coming out to California and picking me up and bringing me back to the East Coast [17:04.0 – 17:08.5] Because she had moved to the East Coast, um, not too long after I had moved out there. [17:08.5 – 17:12.8] So that's a reality of addiction, you know? [17:12.8 – 17:22.9] That just goes to show you that there– sometimes there– the frothy emotional appeal, you know, being pregnant, having a baby, a relationship, none of those things [17:22.9 – 17:26.0] were enough reason for me to stop because I didn't want to. [17:26.0 – 17:36.0] And even when I found out I was pregnant at that point in time, and I've never been a person who was, like, a believer in abortion, but I was– I considered [17:36.0 – 17:37.3] myself pro-choice. [17:37.3 – 17:41.6] Like, I agree that someone should have a choice, but it wouldn't be my choice. [17:41.6 – 17:45.4] But at that– when faced in that position, I was like, “Here I am. [17:45.4 – 17:46.4] I'm homeless. [17:46.4 – 17:48.0] I'm a drug addict. [17:48.0 – 17:54.9] I've been using for all these months.” I didn't have a relationship with God, so my moral compass definitely did not point towards Him. [17:54.9 – 17:57.9] So at this point in time, I'm like, “Man, am I gonna have this baby? [17:57.9 – 18:01.8] Am I not?” You know, like, is it– would it be worse if I did, you know? [18:01.8 – 18:11.8] But I, I thank God that my mom, who is awesome for grand gestures, came out there and picked me up and brought me back to the East Coast, because it [18:11.8 – 18:15.2] is a miracle that I have this baby girl sitting right here tonight. [18:15.2 – 18:23.8] Because I know that God was showing me some major love by blessing me with my daughter, because she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. [18:23.8 – 18:28.6] And I messed that up royally for a long time, but we'll get to that in a little bit. [18:28.6 – 18:31.3] So trying to move things along. [18:31.3 – 18:41.4] When I went back to the East Coast, um, from that day forward, I didn't smoke a cigarette, drink any alcohol, drink– smoke any weed. [18:41.4 – 18:44.9] I didn't touch another drug at all for four years. [18:44.9 – 18:48.1] Um, I didn't go to a program. [18:48.1 – 18:50.9] I didn't, you know, get rehab or anything like that. [18:50.9 – 18:52.0] I was just a mom. [18:52.0 – 18:54.6] But that only lasted for so long. [18:54.6 – 19:03.1] Um, I didn't find a sufficient substitute for my addiction, and my addiction certainly did not go anywhere. [19:03.1 – 19:13.4] Um, when I was in a relationship with someone who was in active addiction, I tried to help them for a really long time. [19:13.4 – 19:18.6] I had that baby daddy syndrome and was like, “No, it's gonna work out.” You know? [19:18.6 – 19:20.2] “It, it has to. [19:20.2 – 19:22.1] This is my daughter's father. [19:22.1 – 19:23.5] We have to be together. [19:23.5 – 19:33.8] We have to be a family.” And I, I stuck out this relationship that was toxic and broken and destructive for way, way too long, and that goes way [19:33.8 – 19:35.4] into my story. [19:35.4 – 19:45.8] Um, but the good thing is, is that I see all these things now, um, and all of the things that I went through taught me a really important [19:45.8 – 19:46.3] lesson. [19:46.3 – 19:56.4] Um, and I know that when I got back into drugs after I had my daughter, she was four years old, I had put myself through college, I was working, I was doing so [19:56.4 – 19:59.5] good, but I could not let go of this toxic person. [19:59.5 – 20:04.4] Um, and I, I don't blame him for me getting back into drugs. [20:04.4 – 20:06.9] I, I didn't– nobody put a gun to his head. [20:06.9 – 20:09.0] I took the crack pipe willingly. [20:09.0 – 20:13.7] I was like, “What is it that's got you so wrapped up that I'm not enough for you to stop? [20:13.7 – 20:15.3] She's not enough for you to stop. [20:15.3 – 20:23.3] What is it that's gonna make it happen?” And I was like, “I gotta see what it is that this is all about.” 'Cause I had always had a fear of that particular drug. [20:23.3 – 20:27.4] But for some reason, him doing it made it not seem so scary. [20:27.4 – 20:30.5] So I had a bright idea and thought maybe I should try it too. [20:30.5 – 20:40.6] My crack binge days lasted about five years, and that was some of the hardest times in my life, so I thought [20:40.6 – 20:41.7] up to that point. [20:41.7 – 20:43.3] I lost everything. [20:43.3 – 20:45.1] I lost custody of my daughter. [20:45.1 – 20:51.4] Um, I was in a really, really bad place. [20:51.4 – 20:52.6] And… [20:52.6 – 21:00.8] Sorry, this is a hard spot for me. [21:00.8 – 21:09.7] You would think that losing my child would be a good enough reason to stop using. [21:09.7 – 21:11.7] I would think so too. [21:11.7 – 21:17.3] It sounds like a c- completely logical reason, but our addiction is not rational. [21:17.3 – 21:18.7] It is not logical. [21:18.7 – 21:19.9] At least I know mine's not. [21:19.9 – 21:27.2] And losing my daughter had the opposite effect for me. [21:27.2 – 21:29.0] I went downhill. [21:29.0 – 21:36.6] Anything– She was the only thing at that point in time, at least I thought so, that was anchoring me to the ground. [21:36.6 – 21:46.9] It was the only thing that was keeping me from just saying, “Screw everything.” And when I lost that anchor, when I lost that, [21:46.9 – 21:51.0] um, thing that was holding me back, I just went balls to the wall. [21:51.0 – 21:53.5] I was just using all of the time. [21:53.5 – 22:03.1] And at this point in time, um, I had a really close friend of mine, um, who I was trying to help get off of heroin. [22:03.1 – 22:04.1] I hated heroin. [22:04.1 – 22:05.6] Heroin disgusted me. [22:05.6 – 22:07.9] You junkies made me sick. [22:07.9 – 22:10.2] Yep, that was, that was the idea that I had. [22:10.2 – 22:16.1] It was always looking ahead, like, “Oh, I would never do that like that,” you know? [22:16.1 – 22:20.2] And so for me it was like I had that judgment in my heart. [22:20.2 – 22:27.4] I had that, that mindset that I looked down upon people who did other things that wasn't wha– “Well, at least I don't do that,” you know? [22:27.4 – 22:37.7] But I can tell you this, that a friend of mine, he was my best friend actually, um, I tried, I tried to help him get off of heroin [22:37.7 – 22:40.9] and, you know, was successful for some time. [22:40.9 – 22:46.8] And then I decided that I needed to get some help, so I went to treatment. [22:46.8 – 22:54.2] And I was in treatment for a little while, and when I got out, I was up by my mom in New York. [22:54.2 – 23:04.3] And, um, I hadn't talked to my friend for a while, because the last time I saw him, he had tears in his eyes when I told him that I was leaving, [23:04.3 – 23:07.2] that I needed to go get some help, and I just needed some distance. [23:07.2 – 23:17.5] And he had gotten locked up down h- down in Maryland, um- And when I got out of, when I got out [23:17.5 – 23:29.8] of, um, treatment and I was, left my mom's house and I had gone back to Maryland where I lived, and I [23:29.8 – 23:37.5] knew he had gotten released from jail, but I had been clean for like 45 days, right in my stomping grounds, right in the area where I was using all the time. [23:37.5 – 23:41.4] And I thought to myself, I'm like, “You know what? [23:41.4 – 23:42.1] He'll be around. [23:42.1 – 23:48.3] I'll talk to him later.” You know, I needed to make sure that I could maintain my sobriety. [23:48.3 – 23:51.5] I wanted to stay clean at that point in time. [23:51.5 – 23:56.4] Um, and I, and I knew that, you know, oh, I'll just see him later. [23:56.4 – 23:57.1] It'll be fine. [23:57.1 – 24:07.3] A couple of days later, I get a message from one of my friends, and they tell me that, um, that he, you know, he got out, and the next night that he overdosed and died. [24:07.3 – 24:14.9] And that really crushed me because I, I felt like, at that point in time, I felt a lot of guilt and shame. [24:14.9 – 24:21.8] I felt like, um, if I would have called him, maybe he might have come my way instead of going the other way. [24:21.8 – 24:25.6] But I can't carry that burden on my back because it wasn't on me. [24:25.6 – 24:27.7] Um, he made his choices. [24:27.7 – 24:29.1] He made his decisions. [24:29.1 – 24:33.6] And, um, and, and then I… [24:33.6 – 24:37.3] It was really hard for me to deal with that. [24:37.3 – 24:39.2] And I stayed clean for maybe… [24:39.2 – 24:41.3] I hadn't worked steps or anything like that. [24:41.3 – 24:44.1] I had just, you know, was kind of white-knuckling it. [24:44.1 – 24:46.1] I was going to some AA meetings. [24:46.1 – 24:49.7] This was the time when AA, like, was laying its foundation in my mind. [24:49.7 – 24:51.8] Like, I always liked going to AA meetings. [24:51.8 – 25:00.7] So after Jesse died, it just crushed me, and I went off the deep end. [25:00.7 – 25:09.2] I went back, and I relapsed, and I started hanging out with a, a crowd of friends who, um, they smoked crack, and they, but they all shot dope too. [25:09.2 – 25:12.9] Most of my, most of the people who I knew back home, they were on heroin too. [25:12.9 – 25:20.5] Heroin is a horrible, horrible problem all over the place, but it's really bad where, where I, um, used to live in Maryland. [25:20.5 – 25:28.9] Uh, Baltimore City is like 15 minutes from where I grew up, and they sell dope right on the corner, literally on the corner. [25:28.9 – 25:32.9] Like, you drive down the street, and there's a boy standing out there, you know? [25:32.9 – 25:35.1] So- [25:37.3 – 25:41.0] When heroin came into my life, everything changed. [25:41.0 – 25:46.6] I thought my life had sucked up to that point, um, and in a lot of ways it did. [25:46.6 – 25:50.3] But when heroin came into my life, it was… [25:50.3 – 25:50.8] that was it. [25:50.8 – 25:52.7] It took over all other interests. [25:52.7 – 25:57.4] Um, I th- I finally felt like I had found it. [25:57.4 – 25:60.0] I had found whatever I was looking for. [25:60.0 – 26:03.5] See, what I wanted was I wanted to be out of my pain and suffering. [26:03.5 – 26:05.3] I wanted to be out of my misery. [26:05.3 – 26:13.6] You know, crack, that only lasted for, like, five seconds, and it was extremely expensive, and I was never satisfied, and I was never happy. [26:13.6 – 26:14.8] I was always miserable. [26:14.8 – 26:19.6] Why in the hell people pay money to feel like that, I couldn't, I couldn't tell you. [26:19.6 – 26:22.9] I know that I did for a really long time, but I… [26:22.9 – 26:25.9] Anyway, when heroin came into my life, it– that was it. [26:25.9 – 26:26.5] You know? [26:26.5 – 26:29.3] It, it gave me that immediate release. [26:29.3 – 26:31.0] I didn't feel like me anymore. [26:31.0 – 26:33.8] I didn't feel like anything because I was nodded out constantly. [26:33.8 – 26:45.0] I just sat back and relaxed and for me, that was the, that was the solution to what I was suffering from, which was complete brokenness and emptiness inside. [26:45.0 – 26:55.0] Um, I did heroin for about five years, um, before I came up here to Wisconsin to try to get away from [26:55.0 – 26:55.4] it. [26:55.4 – 26:56.1] I, I… [26:56.1 – 27:02.4] It literally was pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. [27:02.4 – 27:08.4] All of the things I said I would never do, I did, all the ways I said I never would. [27:08.4 – 27:16.5] Um, all of the people who I used to look down upon for, you know, sh- using needles and stuff like that, that was me. [27:16.5 – 27:18.6] First time I ever did dope, I shot it up. [27:18.6 – 27:27.0] Um, and it's a miracle that I'm, that I'm even standing here breathing today because I overdosed multiple times. [27:27.0 – 27:30.6] Only by divine intervention did– was my life spared. [27:30.6 – 27:32.8] Um, and I, and I know that. [27:32.8 – 27:38.3] Like, and I know that God placed people in my life, um, to protect me. [27:38.3 – 27:48.4] Um, I know it was His protection, but I feel like He uses people in this life, and I know that, um, God put certain people, positioned certain people around [27:48.4 – 27:50.4] me so that I would survive. [27:50.4 – 27:53.0] Um, hallelujah. [27:53.0 – 28:00.4] So for me, heroin took me to places that I never wanted to be. [28:00.4 – 28:05.0] You know, I, I, I wanted to not wanna feel. [28:05.0 – 28:07.4] I, I didn't wanna feel anymore. [28:07.4 – 28:08.6] E-everything hurt. [28:08.6 – 28:10.5] You know, I had lost my child. [28:10.5 – 28:12.8] My marriage was a disaster. [28:12.8 – 28:18.4] Um, everything that I thought should make me happy was gone. [28:18.4 – 28:19.4] Everything. [28:19.4 – 28:22.5] Um, and I was– started getting in trouble. [28:22.5 – 28:27.9] I never got in– I never really got in a whole lot of trouble until I started doing heroin because it, it kept me… [28:27.9 – 28:29.9] Every single day, I was going to the city. [28:29.9 – 28:31.0] I was hustling people. [28:31.0 – 28:32.8] I was stealing things. [28:32.8 – 28:39.7] You know, I was stealing from, from wherever I could to get whatever I needed to take care of myself. [28:39.7 – 28:45.7] Um, I was really fortunate, once again, like I was saying, is I ended up with a boyfriend who sold heroin. [28:45.7 – 28:53.4] That seemed to be the best fit for me because he wanted to take care of me, and he always had it, so we got along just great. [28:53.4 – 28:58.5] Um, and I can say that I know that he cared about me, and, uh, he just recently passed. [28:58.5 – 29:03.8] Um, and I, I did consider him a friend, and he saved my life multiple times. [29:03.8 – 29:08.9] Um, and left to my own devices, I w- I would be dead because I had no problem getting high by myself. [29:08.9 – 29:10.8] I could do bad all by myself. [29:10.8 – 29:12.6] I didn't need anybody else to help me. [29:12.6 – 29:16.2] I didn't need anybody to hold my hand or go with me. [29:16.2 – 29:22.0] I would go down to the city and cop on the dangerous streets of Baltimore City at three o'clock, four o'clock in the morning if I had to. [29:22.0 – 29:23.3] It did not matter. [29:23.3 – 29:27.3] Um, gambling with my life every single time. [29:27.3 – 29:35.4] Um, there's just so many instances that I can explain where God was just right there in the midst of all of my suffering. [29:35.4 – 29:37.0] He never left me for a minute. [29:37.0 – 29:39.5] So I really needed… [29:39.5 – 29:46.2] I had overdosed and almost died, and I needed to get away from Baltimore. [29:46.2 – 29:51.0] And my ex-husband, who was living out– who's from Wisconsin, he was living up here. [29:51.0 – 29:52.6] He was strung out on meth. [29:52.6 – 29:54.4] Still is, in fact. [29:54.4 – 30:02.1] Um, he brought me up here to try to help me get away from the heroin in Baltimore because everybody feared for my life. [30:02.1 – 30:07.9] Everybody more or less had, you know, conceded to the fact that, um, they were gonna get a phone call one day. [30:07.9 – 30:13.9] My mother wouldn't even speak to me because she didn't want to have that close relationship with me and then maybe be taken away. [30:13.9 – 30:17.1] Everybody– I'm surprised they didn't have a life insurance policy out on me. [30:17.1 – 30:19.3] Anyway . [30:19.3 – 30:29.4] So I came up here to Wisconsin, and the plan was I was gonna take the Suboxone, and I was gonna detox and, [30:29.4 – 30:33.2] you know, and I was gonna stop using heroin, and everything was gonna be okay. [30:33.2 – 30:34.5] Everything was gonna get better. [30:34.5 – 30:41.2] So I come up here, and I take the Suboxone, and I detox, but at the end– I'm smoking meth the entire time. [30:41.2 – 30:51.4] So, you know, selling drugs, you know, people who use substances use other substances, so it was not very long until heroin crossed [30:51.4 – 30:52.2] my path again. [30:52.2 – 30:53.1] I sought it out. [30:53.1 – 30:53.8] I wanted it. [30:53.8 – 31:00.0] Um, I never really liked being jammed up or being high on uppers once I had done heroin. [31:00.0 – 31:04.1] It's like, why would you wanna pay money to be all anxious when you could pay money to be relaxed? [31:04.1 – 31:05.5] That was the way that I felt. [31:05.5 – 31:09.6] So any time I ever did stimulants, which I still did them, I wanted to equalize. [31:09.6 – 31:10.5] I had to equalize. [31:10.5 – 31:12.7] I did– I just wanted to chill and relax. [31:12.7 – 31:13.8] I wanted that peace. [31:13.8 – 31:16.0] I was always seeking peace. [31:16.0 – 31:19.0] I just wanted to feel okay within myself. [31:19.0 – 31:22.7] I just wanted to be okay, and I never, ever felt okay. [31:22.7 – 31:25.4] Even from the time I was a little girl, I never felt okay. [31:25.4 – 31:30.7] And then heroin at the time was the answer for me. [31:30.7 – 31:34.6] It, it's what made me feel okay until I didn't have it. [31:34.6 – 31:36.1] Then I definitely was not okay. [31:36.1 – 31:46.3] But N- about four months after I was living here, I was running around selling drugs, selling drugs to people I shouldn't have because I didn't even [31:46.3 – 31:49.1] know them, and there's a lot of snitches here. [31:49.1 – 31:49.7] Just saying. [31:49.7 – 31:52.1] Just saying. [31:52.1 – 31:54.1] There's a lot of snitches everywhere these days, but… [31:54.1 – 32:04.2] So I ended up in jail, and I can tell you that, um, that was the single-handed best [32:04.2 – 32:11.5] thing that God has done for me other than my child, of course, because God did for me what I, what I could not do for myself. [32:11.5 – 32:16.7] But then after he did for me what I could not do for myself, he expected me to do what I could. [32:16.7 – 32:18.6] So I'm in… [32:18.6 – 32:20.9] I'm sitting in jail, and I detox. [32:20.9 – 32:25.8] Takes about a week or so, and my thinking starts to change. [32:25.8 – 32:31.4] I'm like, “Oh man, I'm really in some serious trouble.” I ended up with three cases in three different counties. [32:31.4 – 32:34.9] I was looking at about 15 years in prison for selling drugs. [32:34.9 – 32:36.6] It was not good. [32:36.6 – 32:37.7] They did not… [32:37.7 – 32:40.4] I had, like, $90,000 in bonds. [32:40.4 – 32:42.5] They were not letting me go anywhere. [32:42.5 – 32:48.1] All this cash signature bond or signature bond thing, mm-mm, that was not even an option for me. [32:48.1 – 32:49.8] I was already a convicted felon. [32:49.8 – 32:51.3] I had warrants in three states. [32:51.3 – 32:53.0] I wasn't a Brown County resident. [32:53.0 – 33:03.1] They were just like, “We don't even know who you are, but wherever you have come from, you have been a lot of trouble, so we're gonna just leave you right here.” And that was really the best thing that could have happened [33:03.1 – 33:07.4] to me, that I had to sit, and, and it gave me time to think. [33:07.4 – 33:10.4] God, like, put me in this timeout, and I'm okay with that. [33:10.4 – 33:20.7] Um, about a week into my stay when I was in jail, um, I went to a church service, and there was two scriptures [33:20.7 – 33:22.9] that the, the pastor was preaching about. [33:22.9 – 33:34.3] It was the James 1:12 verse, and it says, “Blessed is he who perseveres under trial because having stood the test will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those that love him.” And [33:34.3 – 33:44.4] Second Corinthians 2:9 which says, “What no eye has seen and what no ear has heard and what no human mind can conceive are the things that God has planned for those that love him.” And those [33:44.4 – 33:54.4] two verses just hit me so hard because it was like I hadn't even begun to imagine what God would have in my life for me, and all I have to do is love him. [33:54.4 – 33:54.9] That was it. [33:54.9 – 34:00.8] It wasn't like, oh, I gotta go to church, even though church is great, this one in particular, you know? [34:00.8 – 34:05.5] It didn't say, “Oh, you gotta go to church,” or you have to do this or you have to do that. [34:05.5 – 34:07.0] It's just you just have to love him. [34:07.0 – 34:07.7] And- [34:07.9 – 34:12.9] For some re– so I went back to my cell, and I got on my– I got a Bible out of the book bin. [34:12.9 – 34:14.7] Everybody remember the book bins from jail? [34:14.7 – 34:18.1] I know some of you do. [34:18.1 – 34:25.5] And I pulled a, a, a Bible out of the book bin, and I looked up those scriptures, and I just felt this overwhelming presence come over me. [34:25.5 – 34:34.4] And I just hit my knees, and I just cried out to God, and I asked him to please help me, that I just didn't wanna live like this anymore. [34:34.4 – 34:40.8] Um, and, and I just felt this peace come over me, that peace that I had been searching for all along. [34:40.8 – 34:46.4] It came over me, and just that desire for drugs, and it just was taken away. [34:46.4 – 34:52.7] Um, and I'm running out of time, so I'm gonna get to the good stuff, the really important part. [34:52.7 – 35:02.0] So while I was in jail, I went to my first AA meeting, and I remember seeing those ladies in there, and they were just so happy. [35:02.0 – 35:12.3] They had this, like, joy on their face, and I was like, “Man,” I was like, “I want what they have.” And I went to the ministry, uh, programming and all the stuff they had, and I was like, “Man, what– [35:12.3 – 35:22.4] I want what they have.” Like, they just looked so full of life and light, and I was like, “Yeah.” I was like, “Whatever they're doing, I want that.” Um, and [35:22.4 – 35:32.4] it is, like, on my mission list, probably way at the top, but I wanna get HA in Brown County Jail because, um, as f-for [35:32.4 – 35:33.5] the women, for the women. [35:33.5 – 35:40.4] I know that, I know that Eric and some other guys in the fellowship take it in there, but, um, we need it in there for the ladies. [35:40.4 – 35:45.5] So that's, like, way at the top of my list of, uh, of things to do. [35:45.5 – 35:53.1] So I had a big book from the AA meeting. [35:53.1 – 35:56.2] It was the last thing I ever stole in my life. [35:56.2 – 35:58.2] It is. [35:58.2 – 36:05.7] I took that bad boy, I tucked it in my pants, and I went back to my pod and I kept it. [36:05.7 – 36:08.4] And I st- that is the book that is in my purse to this day. [36:08.4 – 36:09.7] That thing is falling apart. [36:09.7 – 36:10.9] It looks like John B's book. [36:10.9 – 36:15.4] But it has been well used. [36:15.4 – 36:21.5] So when I got out of jail, I was in drug court, and, you know, I, I did really well. [36:21.5 – 36:31.5] I made it through drug court successfully, and, you know, it took me a, it took me three times I applied for drug court, and they did not wanna let me in because of all of those reasons that I [36:31.5 – 36:36.2] told you before about being a flight risk, et cetera, not being a Brown County resident. [36:36.2 – 36:44.6] So, you know, I, I did really well, and I, I've been a member of this church, um, ever since I got out. [36:44.6 – 36:46.0] It's an amazing place. [36:46.0 – 36:49.1] There– I have such an awesome family here. [36:49.1 – 36:55.8] Um, and church is amazing, and my relationship with God was grown and developed so much. [36:55.8 – 36:59.1] But I can tell you that faith without works is dead. [36:59.1 – 37:04.6] Um, and for me, being an addict, I always felt like there was something missing. [37:04.6 – 37:12.1] Um, and I started going back to AA when my ex-husband had shown that he had a desire that he wanted to get clean. [37:12.1 – 37:21.8] Um, and I was in a meeting, and I was like, “Wow.” I was like, I was listening, and I must have been at a really good meeting at the two-eighteen that night. [37:21.8 – 37:26.9] But I remember just listening, and he relapsed a couple days later, and I stayed. [37:26.9 – 37:33.0] And I was like, “This is what has been missing.” You know, I realized that I was restless, irritable, and discontent. [37:33.0 – 37:34.4] I had a relationship with God. [37:34.4 – 37:35.7] I had this awesome church. [37:35.7 – 37:39.6] I've been clean for a couple years, but something was missing. [37:39.6 – 37:42.9] You know, the work that I needed to do hadn't been done yet. [37:42.9 – 37:51.1] And so I'm in this AA meeting, and I, I just was like, “Wow, this is what has been missing in my life.” And it wasn't only what I was getting from the meeting. [37:51.1 – 37:53.3] It was what I was bringing to it as well. [37:53.3 – 37:55.3] I was sharing about my faith. [37:55.3 – 38:04.2] I was sharing about what God had done in my life and how he had set me free of this obsessive mental obsession to use drugs and how that was gone. [38:04.2 – 38:11.6] And but I still had a lot of work that needed to be done on myself, and the work that I needed to do is the steps that are in this book. [38:11.6 – 38:21.7] And when I was sharing in this meeting, this guy comes up to me afterwards, and he was just like, “Hey.” He's like, “Have you ever been to an HA meeting?” Do we all know [38:21.7 – 38:22.2] who that is? [38:22.2 – 38:23.8] We all know that's Eric, right? [38:23.8 – 38:25.1] Okay. [38:25.1 – 38:27.5] Eric headhunted me. [38:27.5 – 38:37.5] So and I thank God every day that he did 'cause he heard me share in the meeting, and he was like, “Hey, have you ever been to an HA meeting?” Because I was not shy about… [38:37.5 – 38:47.5] I, I always respect their, um, singleness of purpose, said alcoholic, but I would, I, I was not embarrassed to talk about the things that were real [38:47.5 – 38:50.1] in my life and the fact that I was a heroin addict. [38:50.1 – 38:57.7] I always said I was an alcoholic and a drug addict because when I drank, I drank alcoholically, and I really liked the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. [38:57.7 – 38:60.0] I love, love, love this book. [38:60.0 – 39:10.4] I feel like this book– I know that this book was divinely inspired just like the Bible was written, um, because for this book that was written in 1939, [39:10.4 – 39:20.6] for me to read Bill's story and for there to be so many similarities, um, and for me to be able to connect to that, I know that, um, that could only [39:20.6 – 39:25.6] be because of the unity and be- with the spirit that flows through all of it. [39:25.6 – 39:32.3] Um, so when I came into HA, um, I had worked steps a long time ago, kind of. [39:32.3 – 39:36.5] Obviously, I didn't really work steps because I had relapsed and I wasn't clean. [39:36.5 – 39:45.4] Um, but I got really serious about this book and this program, and I found a sponsor, and she's amazing. [39:45.4 – 39:49.9] Um, and I took a real serious walk through these steps. [39:49.9 – 39:51.7] I worked these steps. [39:51.7 – 39:58.1] I didn't just, you know, read them and, you know, kinda talk about them with this sponsor thing that I had. [39:58.1 – 40:03.3] I actually, like, made the commitment that I was gonna do these steps because I needed it. [40:03.3 – 40:08.7] You know, I had been clean for a, a long time, but who knows what would have happened? [40:08.7 – 40:17.2] Like, God knows what we need all the time, and I know that God brought me b- to HA because I needed this fellowship. [40:17.2 – 40:25.1] Um, I needed to work these steps, and I needed to have a place where I could serve my fellow addicts that were like me. [40:25.1 – 40:35.8] Because if you have an addiction like I had, where, you know, I went from, “Oh my gosh, I would never do that,” to shooting up in my neck, you know, that's a, that's a big [40:35.8 – 40:37.2] progression right there. [40:37.2 – 40:45.6] You know, when I would steal money out of my brother's bank account when he was in jail, that's a, that's, that's some not very nice stuff to do. [40:45.6 – 40:52.1] So there's a couple of things that I would, um, that I just wanna read real quick. [40:52.1 – 40:54.0] I know I'm running out of time. [40:54.0 – 41:03.1] So in the, uh, in the We Agnostics, uh, chapter of the book, which is one of my favorites… [41:03.1 – 41:13.6] And I remember when I went, when I tried to do steps before, and I was like, “Oh, well, I don't need to read this chapter 'cause, like, I believe in God, so I don't need to read the We Agnostics [41:13.6 – 41:17.7] chapter.” Come to find out it's, there's so much amazing stuff in here. [41:17.7 – 41:24.2] But the passage that I really like from this book, it says, “We could wish to be moral. [41:24.2 – 41:26.3] We could wish to be philosophically comforted. [41:26.3 – 41:30.2] In fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. [41:30.2 – 41:34.0] Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient. [41:34.0 – 41:35.0] They failed utterly. [41:35.0 – 41:37.4] Lack of power, that was our dilemma. [41:37.4 – 41:41.9] We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a power greater than ourselves. [41:41.9 – 41:49.0] But where– Obviously, but where and how were we to find this power?” I had tried everything to get off of heroin. [41:49.0 – 41:49.5] Everything. [41:49.5 – 41:50.7] I did Suboxone. [41:50.7 – 41:51.9] I did methadone. [41:51.9 – 41:55.4] You know, I tried moving from one state to the other. [41:55.4 – 42:00.4] I've been all over this country, and I can tell you my ad– Everywhere I went, there I was, and there was my addiction. [42:00.4 – 42:10.4] Um, and it wasn't until I conceded to my innermost self that I was, in fact, an addict, when I started to be able to understand that [42:10.4 – 42:14.4] I had this allergy that if I ever used, I could never stop. [42:14.4 – 42:24.4] You know, combined with that mental obsession that once I had stopped using, I had the bright idea that it was a good idea to go use, that I could use with s-some success at [42:24.4 – 42:25.4] that point in time. [42:25.4 – 42:28.2] That is the… [42:28.2 – 42:32.9] Where it says in the book, it says, “The persistence of the illusion is astonishing. [42:32.9 – 42:37.1] Many pursue it until the gates of insanity and death.” And that's what I did. [42:37.1 – 42:39.8] I was chasing that dream that [42:39.9 – 42:45.6] I could use and get away with it, that I could use and it would be different, that I could use and be in control of it. [42:45.6 – 42:49.6] That, I chased that until it almost killed me. [42:49.6 – 42:56.2] And then, uh, I think that if I would've gone on any further, um, I, I know that I would not have made it. [42:56.2 – 42:59.5] And that's why God put me in the position that He put me in. [42:59.5 – 43:02.6] And I know that's why He put me here in Wisconsin. [43:02.6 – 43:10.5] I know that's why He put Eric in that meeting that day so that I could come into HA and that I could find the place that I was supposed to be. [43:10.5 – 43:13.6] Because when I got into this fellowship, I felt like I was at home. [43:13.6 – 43:18.3] I finally felt like I understood all of the people who were around me. [43:18.3 – 43:19.1] They were like me. [43:19.1 – 43:29.0] And it's not that we all have to be the same, but for some reason, there's a connection that takes place for people who have suffered the way that you have, people who have used the way that you have. [43:29.0 – 43:30.2] There's an understanding. [43:30.2 – 43:34.4] There's a, there's a connection that happens in that space. [43:34.4 – 43:40.3] And for me, I know that I have found a really good pond to fish in to be able to help people. [43:40.3 – 43:49.9] Um, and I really love in We Agnostics where it talks about this spiritual awakening. [43:49.9 – 43:53.5] The way that it's described in this book is exactly how it happened for me. [43:53.5 – 43:58.7] And it says, “In a few seconds, he was overwhelmed by a conviction of the presence of God. [43:58.7 – 44:03.7] It poured over and through him with the certainty and majesty of a great tide at flood. [44:03.7 – 44:07.6] The barries- barriers that he had built through the years were swept away. [44:07.6 – 44:10.5] He stood in the presence of infinite power and love. [44:10.5 – 44:12.7] He had stepped from bridge to shore. [44:12.7 – 44:16.3] For the first time, he lived in conscious companionship with his Creator. [44:16.3 – 44:19.4] Thus was our friend's cornerstone fixed in place. [44:19.4 – 44:21.2] No later vicissitude has shaken it. [44:21.2 – 44:27.6] His alcoholic problem was taken away.” And that's what happened for me, but I still had a lot of work to do. [44:27.6 – 44:32.1] When I found my sponsor, and she's an amazing woman, she is so amazing. [44:32.1 – 44:42.1] Like, I, I'm so blessed because I always wanted a sponsor that shared my understanding and love for God, and, and I know that God put her [44:42.1 – 44:42.8] in my life. [44:42.8 – 44:52.9] Um, I have amazing women that I work with today, um, that I get to see the light come on in their eyes, and I get to see their faith open up, and I get to see them [44:52.9 – 44:55.2] grow, and it's so beautiful and amazing. [44:55.2 – 44:59.5] And working these steps was the best thing that I ever did. [44:59.5 – 45:09.2] For me, like, the biggest change that happened for me was when I had to, like, fully understand that I could never use safely again. [45:09.2 – 45:12.0] I always had this obsession with one more time. [45:12.0 – 45:13.9] Oh, I just wanna do it one more time. [45:13.9 – 45:16.5] Oh, I can do it one more time, and I'll be okay. [45:16.5 – 45:19.0] One more time for me would be death. [45:19.0 – 45:22.9] And I know that if I was to ever go back and use again, I would die. [45:22.9 – 45:30.3] So once I did step one, you know, I had to– I had already come to believe in a power greater than myself. [45:30.3 – 45:31.5] I had already done that. [45:31.5 – 45:32.3] I, I knew. [45:32.3 – 45:42.3] But for me, it was like I had to, I had to understand, and I had to believe that, that God could [45:42.3 – 45:44.5] and would if He were sought, and He did. [45:44.5 – 45:47.3] Um, but there was still a lot of work to do. [45:47.3 – 45:50.5] I had to do my steps four, five, six, and seven. [45:50.5 – 45:52.2] I had to do my amends. [45:52.2 – 45:55.8] You know, I had to say I was sorry for the things that I had done. [45:55.8 – 45:58.6] You know, the biggest thing was living my amends. [45:58.6 – 46:08.3] You know, my daughter sits here today because I live my amends to her, because I have, um, God has restored me to sanity, and I'm able to be a mother today. [46:08.3 – 46:10.0] I'm able to be a friend. [46:10.0 – 46:13.5] I'm able to be a sponsor, and I'm so grateful for that. [46:13.5 – 46:22.3] Um, it is my greatest joy in my life to get to be a mother and to get to be a spiritual mother and to get to sponsor women and take them through these steps. [46:22.3 – 46:23.4] It's amazing. [46:23.4 – 46:25.4] It is such a blessing in my life. [46:25.4 – 46:32.1] Um, but in order for me to be able to do that, I have to continue– I have to maintain my fit spiritual condition. [46:32.1 – 46:36.5] And I personally, I fall short of God's glory every single day. [46:36.5 – 46:37.6] I make mistakes. [46:37.6 – 46:38.7] I do things I shouldn't. [46:38.7 – 46:40.5] I am not perfect by any means. [46:40.5 – 46:46.0] I will tell you all about my humanity, um, and my, my flaws and character defects. [46:46.0 – 46:51.9] I have no problem in, in admitting those things because when I stay in that place of being humble, that I make mistakes. [46:51.9 – 46:59.6] You know, we were talking earlier about, um, being respectful of other fellowships. [46:59.6 – 47:02.7] I have a lot of love and respect for other fellowships. [47:02.7 – 47:09.1] Um, maybe sometimes I, I'm a little biased, and I really love HA, and I think that that's okay. [47:09.1 – 47:15.4] But there's other fellowships that are really awesome and amazing, too, and they all res- they all deserve respect. [47:15.4 – 47:24.2] Um, and I will tell you that I am the first one– I, I can admit that I have been guilty of saying, “Oh, well, why do you wanna go to that one?” Well, whatever works for you. [47:24.2 – 47:27.9] Whatever keeps you from dying, I think is fantastic. [47:27.9 – 47:30.7] And wherever people find their recovery, God bless them. [47:30.7 – 47:31.6] I will pray for you. [47:31.6 – 47:34.7] I, I hope that everybody has strength in their recovery. [47:34.7 – 47:37.6] Um, for me, my home is HA. [47:37.6 – 47:48.6] Um, and for me, I have to, I have to keep myself in that humble place of respecting other people's choices, respecting other people's beliefs. [47:48.6 – 47:54.8] Um, and sometimes I fall short of that, but that's why I do my d- my inventory at night. [47:54.8 – 47:56.2] I catch all the mistakes. [47:56.2 – 47:59.1] I'm harder on me than anybody else is, I can tell you that. [47:59.1 – 48:06.7] Um, one of my character defects is sometimes I try to hold myself to an unrealistic expectation of perfection. [48:06.7 – 48:14.8] I just wanna do everything right because I screwed shit up for so many years so, so bad, and I just wanna do things right today. [48:14.8 – 48:18.6] And I do make mistakes, but I try to apologize when I'm wrong. [48:18.6 – 48:27.4] Um, and I try to– I always ask God for His forgiveness because He's the one who I really offend against when I sin and when I do wrong. [48:27.4 – 48:37.6] But I'm so grateful that I have this fellowship, that I have this program to keep me in check because w- I will always [48:37.6 – 48:41.3] have those things inside of me that I have to work on. [48:41.3 – 48:44.5] But it's spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection. [48:44.5 – 48:54.6] And I feel that I've come a long way from where I was before, and I'm so grateful that these steps came into my life when they did, um, because they helped me [48:54.6 – 48:56.2] grow and change as a person. [48:56.2 – 49:02.7] Um, as I went through, um, doing 10, 11, and 12, I do those on a daily basis. [49:02.7 – 49:12.4] I read 86 through 88, and I pray, and I ask God to, you know, remove all those things from me that keep me from being useful to my fellows. [49:12.4 – 49:22.2] Um, and His grace is sufficient, and He blesses me every morning with a clean slate, and I'm so grateful for that. [49:22.2 – 49:29.3] Um, my relationship with God, and I have come to understand that a relationship with God is what I needed. [49:29.3 – 49:33.5] That's what brought that peace into my life, into my heart, that changed things for me. [49:33.5 – 49:40.9] That's why I'm able to love and accept other people for who they are today, because I am not God, and it's not my job to judge. [49:40.9 – 49:45.2] It is only my job to carry this message to those who still suffer. [49:45.2 – 49:49.5] Um, and in order for me to do that, I need to– there needs to be less of me and more of Him. [49:49.5 – 49:51.5] Um, I know. [49:51.5 – 49:52.6] I'm, like, over. [49:52.6 – 49:53.5] We started late, though. [49:53.5 – 49:59.1] Anyway, I'm so blessed that everybody was here tonight. [49:59.1 – 50:07.0] Um, I love my sponsees, all of them, my little chickies. [50:07.0 – 50:15.3] Um, it's a real honor that I get to carry this message to those who still suffer. [50:15.3 – 50:18.7] It's an honor that I get to c- to take women through these steps. [50:18.7 – 50:25.4] Um, for those of you who haven't done your steps yet, I suggest that you get a sponsor. [50:25.4 – 50:28.3] This fellowship is all about sponsorship. [50:28.3 – 50:35.6] If you're in a meeting and you leave an HA meeting without a sponsor, that's on you, because we are like sharks to blood and water. [50:35.6 – 50:40.8] And if you raise your hand and you say that you don't have a sponsor, you will get one before you leave. [50:40.8 – 50:42.7] So be sure of what you're asking for. [50:42.7 – 50:47.4] So I think I'm gonna wrap it up. [50:47.4 – 50:48.6] I went over time. [50:48.6 – 50:49.8] Jeff keeps looking at me. [50:49.8 – 50:57.3] I'm so grateful that you guys took the time to come out on this rainy, crappy night and listen to me share. [50:57.3 – 51:01.7] I got a little off track in the beginning, but I'm so blessed that all of you are here. [51:01.7 – 51:02.5] Thank you.