Transcript

[00:00.4 – 00:03.6] Um, thank you guys for having me speak. [00:03.6 – 00:05.3] Kinda made you, but appreciate it. [00:05.3 – 00:12.0] Um, so my Sprightly date is January 15th, 2015. [00:12.0 – 00:15.3] So I'm right around four and a half years right now. [00:15.3 – 00:17.6] Um, and any time I lead… [00:17.6 – 00:20.2] So, so HA is the fellowship that I love, right? [00:20.2 – 00:28.0] Um, HA is the fellowship where I really got the most growth in my life, um, and definitely, hi Molly, and definitely, um, in my recovery. [00:28.0 – 00:31.6] I was in and out of other fellowships for a long time. [00:31.6 – 00:33.5] Um, and I, and I couldn't get my act together. [00:33.5 – 00:35.3] Um, and this is really my home. [00:35.3 – 00:41.7] This is, this is where I was able to actually, like, find some serenity and find some growth, was in Heroin Anonymous. [00:41.7 – 00:42.1] And you know what? [00:42.1 – 00:45.3] And I think this import- this fellowship is really important I think. [00:45.3 – 00:49.2] Um, and it's a younger fellowship, but we have issues that are unique to us, right? [00:49.2 – 00:57.5] And, and I think it was really important that we had a forum to talk about Suboxone and methadone and being sick and kicking dope because there are all of those issues that are unique to us. [00:57.5 – 01:03.7] Um, and I was really relieved to find this time when I came back, um, to find HA. [01:03.7 – 01:08.3] And I'd kind of known that it was around, um, while I was in and out up in Vista. [01:08.3 – 01:12.8] It was where I did most of my, a lot of my using and my trying to get sober. [01:12.8 – 01:22.5] Um, and then I, like, started hearing that there was some HA in Encinitas, and then this time when I got sober, like, I didn't have a car or anything, but I begged people to drive me down to meetings. [01:22.5 – 01:25.7] And the first meeting I went to was the Friday night meeting, and then I came to this one after that. [01:25.7 – 01:29.0] Um, so this fellowship means a lot to me. [01:29.0 – 01:35.6] And, um, and so I take the responsibility of sharing this message really, really, really seriously. [01:35.6 – 01:45.6] It's so important to me to try to connect with you guys, um, the change that happened in my life and, and more importantly than that, the change that I believe from the bottom of my heart, from [01:45.6 – 01:50.4] the bottom of my soul, is available to any one of you that is in this room. [01:50.4 – 01:59.7] Any one of you has the ability to stop the madness and to get sober and to get better and to stay that way for a long period of time. [01:59.7 – 02:01.0] Like, you can, I swear. [02:01.0 – 02:01.8] I promise. [02:01.8 – 02:03.2] I- You can. [02:03.2 – 02:05.3] So, so I take this really, really seriously. [02:05.3 – 02:16.7] Um, and one of the other things that I, I try to get across when I start is I spent way more time, um, sitting where you guys are sitting listening [02:16.7 – 02:19.2] to someone sit here. [02:19.2 – 02:28.9] And you know, once you start talking about a year, two years, three years, forget four years, five years, six years, that just sounds insane. [02:28.9 – 02:29.6] I can't even… [02:29.6 – 02:32.4] Like, I would sit there, and I never thought anybody was, like, lying. [02:32.4 – 02:37.4] You know, you'll hear sometimes people in the room will be like, “I thought you guys were all full of shit.” Like, I didn't think anybody was full of shit. [02:37.4 – 02:45.2] I believed them, but I believed that while it may be possible for you, that it was not possible for me because it wasn't. [02:45.2 – 02:45.8] You know what I mean? [02:45.8 – 02:50.6] Like, all this time was passing, and I was not able to get or stay sober. [02:50.6 – 02:54.5] So I believed that it was possible, but I believed that it was not possible for me. [02:54.5 – 03:00.8] Um, and I figured that more than likely whoever was sitting there had not been where I had been, you know? [03:00.8 – 03:03.2] And that's why they were able to do it, you know, obviously. [03:03.2 – 03:07.5] Um, they, they couldn't possibly had been as low down as I had been. [03:07.5 – 03:16.1] So I start a little bit by letting you guys know, um, you know, where I ended up and, and what it was like for me in the end. [03:16.1 – 03:22.7] So I used for about 15 years, and, um, I could not get… [03:22.7 – 03:25.1] For the last, like, seven I was actually trying to quit. [03:25.1 – 03:26.0] In the beginning I wasn't. [03:26.0 – 03:26.5] You know what I mean? [03:26.5 – 03:27.6] In the beginning I wasn't really trying. [03:27.6 – 03:37.6] Um, for the last seven years I was really trying to quit doing dope, like, all the time, and the most I ever got in seven years was one time I [03:37.6 – 03:39.8] got 94 days in a program. [03:39.8 – 03:41.7] Um, and then I relapsed after that. [03:41.7 – 03:46.7] Um, and that was the most amount of time that I had ever got until now, at which point I have four and a half years. [03:46.7 – 03:48.8] Prior to that, 94 days, that's it. [03:48.8 – 03:50.8] And I was, like, really trying, you know? [03:50.8 – 03:52.7] And I know some of you guys understand this. [03:52.7 – 03:57.0] You know, like, I did the in and out of program thing and in and out of sober livings for a long time. [03:57.0 – 03:59.1] Like, I've been to all of the programs around here. [03:59.1 – 04:00.5] I've been to all the sober livings. [04:00.5 – 04:03.3] I've been kicked out of literally every single one of them. [04:03.3 – 04:04.2] Um, I've been dismissed. [04:04.2 – 04:09.4] Like, some of them I st- uh, I could probably go back now, but for a lot of them, like, I couldn't go back for a few years, you know? [04:09.4 – 04:15.3] Like, I was at this program with women and children, and I ended up getting kicked out 'cause I left, like, there– I left– I had, like, a needle in my room. [04:15.3 – 04:19.3] There was no kids in my room, but there was, like, a needle in my room, and so they were, like, gonna call the cops, you know? [04:19.3 – 04:21.4] N- like, neglecting the welfare of a child. [04:21.4 – 04:23.3] So I was, like, booted off the property. [04:23.3 – 04:31.7] Like, so many times I've been walking out of a program with everything I own in a black garbage bag while everybody just, like, shakes their head. [04:31.7 – 04:32.1] You know what I mean? [04:32.1 – 04:32.9] Like, “There she goes. [04:32.9 – 04:34.7] There goes Janine again.” You know what I mean? [04:34.7 – 04:40.3] Like, “We knew she couldn't do it.” And that was, and that was me for th- all of those years, you know? [04:40.3 – 04:46.8] Um, and in the end, so I got kicked out of that program, and I kinda, like, finagled my way into a sober living. [04:46.8 – 04:49.3] There was still a sober living that would let me live there. [04:49.3 – 04:56.2] Um, and, uh, and I would– I was, I was pretty good at passing te- at passing piss tests even if I was using. [04:56.2 – 05:03.7] Um, and so they would know that I was loaded, and it was really frustrating 'cause you could tell, and I was losing weight, and I was clearly high, but I would pass your test, you know? [05:03.7 – 05:06.6] And so it would get to the point where they would, they would request, like, a blood test. [05:06.6 – 05:07.5] That happened to me in the end. [05:07.5 – 05:15.9] Um, so, so in the last sober living, um, the lady ended up asking me for a, a blood test. [05:15.9 – 05:26.0] So I had left, and I'd left some heroin in the bathroom when I left, and she called me while I was out, and she said, “There's, there's heroin in the bathroom, and w- like, we know it's yours.” And you know, and I said I– And I had tested [05:26.0 – 05:26.8] that morning, you know? [05:26.8 – 05:28.4] And I was like, “I tested this morning. [05:28.4 – 05:31.2] I'm clean.” And she was like, “Yep, you're right, Janine. [05:31.2 – 05:33.2] Like, you do keep testing clean. [05:33.2 – 05:36.1] Um, uh, but I'm pretty sure this is yours.” And I was like, you know how we are. [05:36.1 – 05:37.9] I was like, “That's circumstantial evidence. [05:37.9 – 05:39.2] There's, like, 10 people that live there. [05:39.2 – 05:40.0] You don't know that was me. [05:40.0 – 05:42.9] Nobody saw it.” Like, I was, like, arguing with this poor woman. [05:42.9 – 05:44.2] And, um, and she was like, “Okay. [05:44.2 – 05:45.2] So here's what I'm gonna do. [05:45.2 – 05:50.7] I'm gonna support you, but I n- I'm gonna need a blood test this time.” Um, which nobody had ever asked me for. [05:50.7 – 05:56.6] And so my first instinct was, I was like, “Uh, sure.” And we get off the phone, and I start thinking like, “Okay. [05:56.6 – 05:57.7] So I'm gonna go. [05:57.7 – 05:59.0] I'm gonna just doctor… [05:59.0 – 05:59.6] I can make this. [05:59.6 – 06:08.9] I'm gonna look it up online what Tri-City logo looks like, and I'm just gonna make a document and make it look like blood work.” And I was with a friend, and, um, I didn't even have a phone. [06:08.9 – 06:10.4] So I was like, “Give me your phone. [06:10.4 – 06:20.4] I need to Google, like, what the Tri-City logo looks like, and I'm gonna go to Kinko's and, like, copy this logo and, like, try to make some, some medical paperwork.” And, and I'm, like, going on and on and on, and this was a [06:20.4 – 06:22.0] friend of mine who was sober in the moment. [06:22.0 – 06:23.1] He'd been sober for a long time. [06:23.1 – 06:23.5] He still is. [06:23.5 – 06:25.3] He's got, like, I don't know, six or seven years. [06:25.3 – 06:30.8] But we'd used to use together, and we did a lot of running around together, and he would kind of try to help me while I was still using. [06:30.8 – 06:38.3] Um, and he would still hang out with me, and, um, and he always kind of backed me up no matter what I was saying or doing, no matter how crazy it was, right? [06:38.3 – 06:47.2] And I was going on and on and on about how I was gonna make this blood work paperwork, and I looked up at him, and he just was, like, looking at me, not… [06:47.2 – 06:48.7] And I could tell. [06:48.7 – 06:52.2] You know, I could tell that he thought I was being ridiculous, you know? [06:52.2 – 06:55.3] And he wasn't offering to help or anything like that. [06:55.3 – 06:58.9] And I remember looking at him, and I said, you know, I was like, “Oh, come on, man. [06:58.9 – 07:00.2] Like, what am I supposed to do? [07:00.2 – 07:01.9] She's making me do this.” You know what I mean? [07:01.9 – 07:02.9] “She's making me forge this. [07:02.9 – 07:04.0] I don't want to forge a document. [07:04.0 – 07:05.9] She's making me forge this document. [07:05.9 – 07:06.6] Um, what am I gonna do? [07:06.6 – 07:07.7] I'm gonna go kick on the street? [07:07.7 – 07:15.3] Like, what am I supposed to do?” And I remember he looked me in the eyes, and he was like, “Well, I mean, you could get sober,” you know? [07:15.3 – 07:23.0] And I remember thinking, like, “Oh, okay.” But it kinda, you know, it kinda sunk in a little, and, um- [07:23.8 – 07:27.3] I didn't go through with, like, making the paperwork, so I wasn't able to go back there. [07:27.3 – 07:32.7] So where I went, and this is where I ended up in the end, was, um, I wasn't ready to stop yet that day. [07:32.7 – 07:41.0] Um, so a connect of mine in Oceanside um, said I could come stay in the dog house in his backyard. [07:41.0 – 07:42.5] I know some of you guys have heard this story. [07:42.5 – 07:45.4] But he said I could stay in the dog house in the backyard, and I was like, “Awesome. [07:45.4 – 07:46.4] That sounds great. [07:46.4 – 07:47.3] Like, thank you. [07:47.3 – 07:50.0] That's a good place for me to go.” So I went. [07:50.0 – 07:56.9] It was actually, like, a shed where his dog would stay and, um, he brought the dog inside and let me stay in this shed. [07:56.9 – 08:02.7] And, um, there was, like, a dog pad on the ground with, like, a charger blanket on it, you know, like, covered in dog hair. [08:02.7 – 08:06.1] And, um, he would padlock me in at night. [08:06.1 – 08:12.2] Um, so his– 'Cause he had, like, let people stay there before, and the girl– We all knew about this, like, situation. [08:12.2 – 08:19.4] And the girl that was there before me, his wife had gotten pissed off that there was somebody in the shed, and she chased her down the street with a chainsaw. [08:19.4 – 08:22.8] And I knew that story, and I was like, “Yes, padlock me in. [08:22.8 – 08:25.1] Like, I do not want Lisa…” And she had a wooden leg, dude. [08:25.1 – 08:25.9] That's a true story. [08:25.9 – 08:26.6] She had a peg leg. [08:26.6 – 08:28.7] Chased this chick down the street with a chainsaw. [08:28.7 – 08:30.1] True story. [08:30.1 – 08:32.5] And I thought, “I don't want Lisa chasing me with a chainsaw. [08:32.5 – 08:37.4] Yes, you can padlock me in.” Um, despite, like, whatever dangers, obviously, that presented. [08:37.4 – 08:40.3] Um, and one of the ni- I mean, the place could have burned down, you know. [08:40.3 – 08:40.6] I don't know. [08:40.6 – 08:42.2] And one of the nights, it was really crazy. [08:42.2 – 08:49.5] He opened the door for a moment, and he just let this guy in at, like, 2:00 in the morning, and I was in there by myself, and he let this guy in. [08:49.5 – 08:51.9] And, um, the guy, like, sat with me in the shed. [08:51.9 – 08:58.6] So it was this tiny little shed, and there was a second folding chair, and then there's me doing, like, a crossword puzzle in the middle of the night with, like, a light. [08:58.6 – 09:03.7] And he came in, and he sat next to me for a couple of hours, and then finally the guy came and, like, let him out. [09:03.7 – 09:05.1] And, um, I thought so many times… [09:05.1 – 09:06.6] I was, like, a little scared in the moment. [09:06.6 – 09:08.7] Um, but I was mostly really cold. [09:08.7 – 09:09.3] It was January. [09:09.3 – 09:10.4] I was, like, freezing my ass off. [09:10.4 – 09:16.8] So I was more cold than anything else, and I wasn't in my right mind enough to have been s- as scared as I probably should have been, right? [09:16.8 – 09:23.8] Um, but since then, obviously, I've thought back over that night many, many times and, like, the variety of things that could have happened to me in the shed that night. [09:23.8 – 09:28.5] So, um, I did have at that point, I had gotten a hold of a phone. [09:28.5 – 09:29.8] You know, like, I had a flip phone. [09:29.8 – 09:34.0] And, um, I had one friend left who came and got me. [09:34.0 – 09:35.3] He lived out in Palm Desert. [09:35.3 – 09:41.5] And he came and got me and brought me out to his house, and I had a half of a Suboxone that I'd gotten from some guy at the transit center. [09:41.5 – 09:42.3] And it was so crazy. [09:42.3 – 09:45.6] He bit out of– He took a bite out of it before he gave it to me, like he needed it for something. [09:45.6 – 09:47.0] He was trading me heroin for the Suboxone. [09:47.0 – 09:48.2] You guys know how this shit goes. [09:48.2 – 09:48.8] I'm like, “Oh, sure. [09:48.8 – 09:49.4] That makes sense. [09:49.4 – 09:49.9] Absolutely. [09:49.9 – 09:54.1] Have some of the Suboxone.” So I had, like, a half-chewed Suboxone on me and a cigarette. [09:54.1 – 09:56.2] You know, like, uh, cellophane. [09:56.2 – 09:57.8] And, uh, and that was it. [09:57.8 – 09:59.1] And, uh, no money. [09:59.1 – 10:02.3] Like, literally a couple of, like, dimes and some pennies, and it wasn't even a purse. [10:02.3 – 10:04.4] It was, like, a, like, a plastic bag, basically. [10:04.4 – 10:10.1] And I went out and, um, and I kicked heroin for the last time with a half a chewed-up Suboxone. [10:10.1 – 10:14.8] Um, and, uh, January 15th, 2015 is when I ran out. [10:14.8 – 10:17.6] And, um, and so that's when I stopped. [10:17.6 – 10:21.0] And I came back with no idea where I was gonna go. [10:21.0 – 10:28.4] Um, and, uh, again, I finagled my way into a sober living that I had been kicked out of before, and the guy let me move in. [10:28.4 – 10:32.4] Um, and I started putting my life back together. [10:32.4 – 10:36.8] Um, so, so the situation for me at that point was… [10:36.8 – 10:39.4] And this is, like, pretty bleak, but I'm gonna get, like, really honest with you guys. [10:39.4 – 10:40.7] A lot of you guys know this stuff anyways. [10:40.7 – 10:42.6] So I was 34. [10:42.6 – 10:45.5] I didn't have a driver's license. [10:45.5 – 10:47.3] I didn't even have an ID to prove it was me. [10:47.3 – 10:49.1] Um, I had no money. [10:49.1 – 10:50.1] I didn't have a checking account. [10:50.1 – 10:52.9] I was flagged at all the banks 'cause I'm, like, a fraud risk. [10:52.9 – 10:57.8] Um, and, uh, uh, yeah. [10:57.8 – 11:02.1] That was where I was at in my life, um, with no prospects, and I had no idea what I was gonna do. [11:02.1 – 11:02.8] Oh, and hep C. [11:02.8 – 11:03.2] Ha. [11:03.2 – 11:06.9] So that was my, that was my situation coming back, you know, at 34. [11:06.9 – 11:11.8] And it was about the most bleak, um, that I could imagine a situation to be, right? [11:11.8 – 11:13.6] Um, and that was where I was. [11:13.6 – 11:24.4] And I slowly started putting stuff together and, um, got a job and started taking, you know, public transportation to my job, and, um, [11:24.4 – 11:28.4] for the first time, didn't give up early on. [11:28.4 – 11:30.8] 'Cause in the past, I hated public transportation. [11:30.8 – 11:31.8] I still hate public transportation. [11:31.8 – 11:38.6] If I hear the Sprinter, that sound, I go back to my old sober living sometimes when I leave meetings, and that sound, I have, like, PTSD from that sound. [11:38.6 – 11:39.3] I fucking hate it. [11:39.3 – 11:42.5] I was on public transportation for, like, five or six years. [11:42.5 – 11:49.2] Um, and what would happen is I would get, like, bummed out about being on public transportation, and I would end up usually, like, relapsing over the public transportation. [11:49.2 – 11:52.9] And then of course you have to take public transportation longer after you relapse. [11:52.9 – 12:02.6] So I just kept, like, extending this cycle of hating public transportation and trying to smoke a little speed so I would feel better, and then I would end up strung out on heroin, and I'm, like, on public transportation longer. [12:02.6 – 12:04.9] And you know, years and years and years of my life are passing. [12:04.9 – 12:10.7] So, um, so when I finally, like, you know, got off of heroin and I was able to stay off of heroin this time, like, how did I do that? [12:10.7 – 12:11.9] What was the difference? [12:11.9 – 12:14.7] And these are the couple of things that I did different. [12:14.7 – 12:20.1] Um, for one, I picked up a commitment early on, right away at that meeting where I was at, and I had never done that before. [12:20.1 – 12:26.3] And the guy that owned that sober living, he was kinda like– He used to yell at me a lot, and he was– We'd fight a lot, and he was yelling at me one day. [12:26.3 – 12:34.5] And um, and he was like, “Why don't you, for once in your life, become someone that is able to take care of others rather than everybody else around you having to take care of you,” right? [12:34.5 – 12:41.3] “Rather than your mom bringing you money and paying y- for your phone bill and this and that, why don't you try to become an adult and become somebody that can take care of others? [12:41.3 – 12:48.2] And you're gonna learn by being the secretary of this meeting.” And there was a meeting right there at the sober living, so I could become the secretary of that meeting. [12:48.2 – 12:53.8] Um, and what I wanted to– So part of w- what we do, right, at this meeting is, is read something out of the big book. [12:53.8 – 13:01.3] Um, and so there's two selections that I always like to read, um, because this is the ultimate message of, like, where I'm headed with all of this. [13:01.3 – 13:05.4] Um, so you guys probably know the ninth step promises. [13:05.4 – 13:07.3] They're read in a lot of meetings. [13:07.3 – 13:10.9] Um, and this is the part that I couldn't get past, right? [13:10.9 – 13:13.4] Th- th- this is what I knew would not work out for me. [13:13.4 – 13:19.2] “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. [13:19.2 – 13:22.1] We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. [13:22.1 – 13:32.2] We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” That part, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it,” how could that [13:32.2 – 13:33.1] ever be true? [13:33.1 – 13:36.0] Like, how could that ever be true? [13:36.0 – 13:38.4] And my first meeting was a long time ago. [13:38.4 – 13:40.0] My first meeting was back in 2008. [13:40.0 – 13:41.8] I actually went to a CA meeting up in LA. [13:41.8 – 13:44.8] I went to a Cocaine Anonymous meeting 'cause that was my first problem that I had. [13:44.8 – 13:49.0] Um, and I thought– You guys know, like, I don't know if, uh, y- I'm sure some of you guys know. [13:49.0 – 13:54.7] I thought it was bad back then, but I had no idea what was bad until I learned what heroin bad was, you know? [13:54.7 – 13:57.1] Like, coke bad was not great, you know. [13:57.1 – 14:00.3] Like, the boss was kinda hassling me, my boyfriend wasn't happy with me. [14:00.3 – 14:02.0] But I wasn't, like, homeless, you know what I mean? [14:02.0 – 14:05.2] Like, the first meeting I went to, I drove myself to, you know? [14:05.2 – 14:14.6] Um, and I would hear– And I heard that in one of those early meetings, and I remember thinking, and I remember it like it was yesterday, and I think that's been one of the blessings of my memory. [14:14.6 – 14:18.6] I, man, I, I've had a bunch of people tell me that as the years go by, I'll start to forget. [14:18.6 – 14:21.6] I have not forgotten any of that shit. [14:21.6 – 14:23.5] None of it, and I don't think I ever will. [14:23.5 – 14:28.0] I, I haven't forgotten at all what that felt like, and I hope you guys never forget, you know? [14:28.0 – 14:31.3] Um, I see people waiting for the bus stop, and I, like, freak out, you know. [14:31.3 – 14:32.4] I, like, shudder and I drive by. [14:32.4 – 14:33.3] They're not even addicts, right? [14:33.3 – 14:34.7] They're just, like, people waiting for the bus stop. [14:34.7 – 14:37.6] But I still when I see them, I'm like, “Ugh, I don't ever wanna do that again,” you know? [14:37.6 – 14:45.0] Like, I'll never forget it as long as I live, just, like, hauling my ass around, um, you know, hiking up and down when it was hot or when it was cold or whatever. [14:45.0 – 14:47.2] Um, but so when I heard that- [14:48.5 – 14:51.3] I remember thinking, “Okay, well that's not me. [14:51.3 – 14:55.1] That's not ever gonna happen.” And I thought that when I went to a CA meeting. [14:55.1 – 15:05.1] When I heard that again, years later, in an HA meeting, I couldn't even begin to comprehend that that would ever be a possibility [15:05.1 – 15:06.0] for me. [15:06.0 – 15:11.7] Um, because this is not a path that I started out on, and this was not a path that was likely for me, right? [15:11.7 – 15:13.0] Like, I went to a really good college. [15:13.0 – 15:15.0] I did really well in high school. [15:15.0 – 15:17.8] Um, I did really well on my SATs, you know what I mean? [15:17.8 – 15:19.7] And I would, like, think that while I was using drugs. [15:19.7 – 15:21.3] I'd be like, “I did really good on my SATs. [15:21.3 – 15:22.3] Like, you guys don't know,” you know? [15:22.3 – 15:23.7] Like, the people I was using with, you know? [15:23.7 – 15:25.0] Like, I'm really fucking smart. [15:25.0 – 15:26.8] I'm out here with you, but I'm, like, really smart. [15:26.8 – 15:27.1] Different. [15:27.1 – 15:31.0] And, um, and I, I lost so much. [15:31.0 – 15:34.1] Like, all I could think about was how much I had lost, you know? [15:34.1 – 15:37.1] How much I had lost that I was never gonna get back. [15:37.1 – 15:41.0] Um, but, but here's what happened, and th- and this is what really changed for me. [15:41.0 – 15:43.8] Over time, as I started to get stuff back… [15:43.8 – 15:46.1] So finally, at about seven or eight months, I actually got a car. [15:46.1 – 15:47.1] Somebody gave me a car. [15:47.1 – 15:49.6] Somebody gave me a car, that didn't even know I was in the program. [15:49.6 – 15:50.4] A client of mine. [15:50.4 – 15:53.3] Um, I'm in sh- I'm in fitness. [15:53.3 – 15:54.5] Somebody gave me a car. [15:54.5 – 15:59.5] And, um, I really appreciated that car. [15:59.5 – 16:03.3] For the first time in my life, I really appreciated something that I had, you know? [16:03.3 – 16:09.4] And after about a year, um, I moved out of sober living and I moved into an apartment. [16:09.4 – 16:10.6] Like, a little house in Encinitas. [16:10.6 – 16:15.5] I was just renting a room, and it was a tiny little room, and I had everything that I owned in it. [16:15.5 – 16:20.0] Um, but I, like, loved that I had a place, and that I was moving out, and I got my driver's license. [16:20.0 – 16:21.6] Legally, I got my license. [16:21.6 – 16:27.5] Um, I remember it was $83 to get my license back, and I was so annoyed that it was $83. [16:27.5 – 16:30.3] But then I remembered what that about equates to around here. [16:30.3 – 16:32.2] That's about a gram and a pack of regs. [16:32.2 – 16:35.0] And I thought, I would've spent that, no fucking problem. [16:35.0 – 16:37.5] Like, I can spend this on this license, you know? [16:37.5 – 16:39.3] Um, but I actually really appreciated the license. [16:39.3 – 16:40.2] And I got it legally. [16:40.2 – 16:41.2] I took care of that. [16:41.2 – 16:51.3] Um, and as things started opening up for me, for the first time in my life, I had immense, incredible [16:51.3 – 16:54.5] gratitude and appreciation for the things that I had. [16:54.5 – 17:04.6] And what I realized was, if I get really honest, way back before I was doing coke, way back before I was drinking, when I was in college, when I had those great SAT scores, like, I was [17:04.6 – 17:05.9] not a very happy person. [17:05.9 – 17:07.3] I was a little bit spoiled. [17:07.3 – 17:08.4] I was always kind of bitter. [17:08.4 – 17:13.1] My goals were all, um, very material- materialistic, right, in nature. [17:13.1 – 17:14.5] That was all I wanted. [17:14.5 – 17:23.0] Um, all I cared about was, like, how much money I ended up making and having the life that I always thought ab- You know, like, no part of me was ever gonna do anything nice for anybody, right? [17:23.0 – 17:28.2] No part of me was ever gonna sit here on a Tuesday night and do something like this, right? [17:28.2 – 17:30.2] And, and, and, and really try to help somebody else. [17:30.2 – 17:31.6] That's not what I was gonna do. [17:31.6 – 17:42.0] Um, and because I ended up in that deep, dark place, because I ended up in that shed, my life looked [17:42.0 – 17:44.4] really beautiful to me afterwards. [17:44.4 – 17:51.3] And what I realized, what I have realized, is that my life was always that beautiful, right? [17:51.3 – 17:52.4] And I just couldn't see it. [17:52.4 – 17:56.3] And I really believe that I never would have. [17:56.3 – 17:57.8] I don't think I ever would have. [17:57.8 – 18:03.5] I, I, I don't think that I would've become someone who'd become grateful and who'd become kind and who'd become caring. [18:03.5 – 18:07.9] If I had stayed on that path that I, that I was so sad about losing, right? [18:07.9 – 18:09.9] That, like, Ivy League career. [18:09.9 – 18:11.0] I wanted to go to law school. [18:11.0 – 18:12.2] Like, I was probably gonna go. [18:12.2 – 18:18.7] If I had gone down that road, I wouldn't have seen anything that I actually had, right? [18:18.7 – 18:20.1] I was never present in the moment. [18:20.1 – 18:21.7] It was always about getting to the next goal. [18:21.7 – 18:24.1] I was not a happy person, if I'm really, really honest. [18:24.1 – 18:34.1] And after being a heroin addict, my life, b- as a direct result of being a heroin addict, is better than I ever would've thought [18:34.1 – 18:38.5] without some of those things I've gotten, some of those things I haven't gotten. [18:38.5 – 18:40.9] But my perspective on my life has changed, right? [18:40.9 – 18:44.8] It's like it was black and white, and then my life became color, you know? [18:44.8 – 18:46.3] And I'm so much happier. [18:46.3 – 18:49.1] And, and, and this is what I really wanna impress upon you guys. [18:49.1 – 18:51.6] So there are two paths, right? [18:51.6 – 18:55.2] I feel like I'm about to start singing Led Zeppelin, plus I was looking right at you. [18:55.2 – 18:56.6] There are two paths you can go down. [18:56.6 – 18:58.1] Don't you have, like, a… [18:58.1 – 19:00.0] You've got, like, a Facebook thing named after a Zeppelin song. [19:00.0 – 19:00.4] Yeah. [19:00.4 – 19:01.3] Anyways, okay. [19:01.3 – 19:01.7] Sorry. [19:01.7 – 19:02.0] Sorry. [19:02.0 – 19:02.8] I, I digress. [19:02.8 – 19:07.1] Um, anyways, um, so you think about going into trauma. [19:07.1 – 19:09.5] Like, like guys when they go, when they go to war. [19:09.5 – 19:13.2] They're told before they go that there are two ways they're coming back. [19:13.2 – 19:14.7] They're coming back normal. [19:14.7 – 19:17.2] They're coming back status quo, which is what you want. [19:17.2 – 19:19.3] They're coming back with PTSD. [19:19.3 – 19:19.8] That's it. [19:19.8 – 19:20.7] Those are the paths. [19:20.7 – 19:22.0] Normal, worse off. [19:22.0 – 19:25.3] But there is a third way back from trauma. [19:25.3 – 19:27.2] There is a third way back from trauma, and this is true. [19:27.2 – 19:27.9] This is not my theory. [19:27.9 – 19:29.0] This is n- this is actually true. [19:29.0 – 19:30.9] It's just not talked about as much. [19:30.9 – 19:39.7] Instead of post-traumatic stress, there's post-traumatic growth, and you can come back from a tra- traumatic experience not just the same. [19:39.7 – 19:41.4] You can come back better. [19:41.4 – 19:47.8] So it's this idea of, of not just bouncing back, but bouncing forward, right? [19:47.8 – 19:52.1] Because there's all these different changes that can happen in you after something like that happens. [19:52.1 – 19:54.4] Typically, you develop some sort of spirituality, right? [19:54.4 – 19:56.6] And that's shown to improve the quality of your life. [19:56.6 – 20:01.1] You tend to appreciate the relationships in your life more, because you almost lost them all, right? [20:01.1 – 20:03.5] You appreciate the stuff around you more. [20:03.5 – 20:05.2] You have more empathy for people in your life. [20:05.2 – 20:06.5] You're less irritable. [20:06.5 – 20:11.1] So coming back from this road, when I came back, I didn't even wanna try. [20:11.1 – 20:12.1] I didn't even wanna try. [20:12.1 – 20:13.1] I had lost so much. [20:13.1 – 20:14.5] I, I was a junkie. [20:14.5 – 20:15.1] This is where… [20:15.1 – 20:16.7] Us and crackheads, we're the worst. [20:16.7 – 20:17.2] You know what I mean? [20:17.2 – 20:21.3] It's like, it's one thing to, like, you know, kind of be doing coke, and maybe that sounds glamorous. [20:21.3 – 20:25.7] It is a fuck another to be, like, sharing needles with homeless people and smoking out of crack pipes, right? [20:25.7 – 20:27.1] That's not the same. [20:27.1 – 20:28.2] And you're, you're killing… [20:28.2 – 20:31.5] You're kidding me if you're telling me that I'm gonna be better after this. [20:31.5 – 20:31.8] No. [20:31.8 – 20:32.2] Like, I… [20:32.2 – 20:33.6] Or that I'm not gonna regret the past. [20:33.6 – 20:34.3] You know? [20:34.3 – 20:35.4] No, I'm not buying it. [20:35.4 – 20:39.4] But I'm telling you guys, not only do I not regret it, I talk about it openly. [20:39.4 – 20:41.1] Everybody in my life knows, and I… [20:41.1 – 20:44.4] If I could go back and redo it, I would still shoot heroin. [20:44.4 – 20:48.6] I would still go through that pain, because my life is so much better for it. [20:48.6 – 20:56.3] And, and, and, and if there's anything I could part, impart upon you guys here tonight, if you feel like you've lost it all, you can gain more coming back. [20:56.3 – 20:57.7] Not just the status quo. [20:57.7 – 20:58.6] You can come back. [20:58.6 – 20:60.0] You can come back stronger. [20:60.0 – 21:01.0] You can come back happier. [21:01.0 – 21:03.0] I got my cure for hep C, right? [21:03.0 – 21:04.4] There's an eight-week cure now. [21:04.4 – 21:05.7] It doesn't have to kill us, right? [21:05.7 – 21:09.7] And we don't talk about that a lot in this fellowship, but, like, I'll sit here and talk about it. [21:09.7 – 21:10.8] I don't have it anymore, right? [21:10.8 – 21:12.2] And the medication is available. [21:12.2 – 21:16.5] You gotta kinda push for it, but it's available, and it's available to all of you guys, okay? [21:16.5 – 21:19.4] Um, and so if that's something that you're struggling with, we can talk about that too. [21:19.4 – 21:20.4] I met… [21:20.4 – 21:22.2] I just got married last weekend. [21:22.2 – 21:23.9] I had this, like, Bree and I were talking about it. [21:23.9 – 21:26.0] I had this, like, fairytale wedding up in the Bay Area. [21:26.0 – 21:29.5] And, um, I met him at the fucking Step House. [21:29.5 – 21:31.9] We met in an HA meeting. [21:31.9 – 21:36.2] I wouldn't be married right now to this guy if I hadn't been a heroin addict, right? [21:36.2 – 21:44.8] Like, so much about my life is better, not in spite of my addiction, but because of my addiction, and I know that that can be the case for you guys too. [21:44.8 – 21:48.8] And so I encourage you to look not just for your way through, but your way up, right? [21:48.8 – 21:56.3] And then you can sit here, and you can share that with somebody else, and it just gives purpose to your whole life, and the whole color of the world will change, you know? [21:56.3 – 21:58.5] Um, but you can do this, I promise. [21:58.5 – 22:03.7] And if you guys have any other questions or anything that you wanna talk about, um, after the meeting, like, I'm available for that. [22:03.7 – 22:05.0] So thank you guys so much. [22:05.0 – 22:06.6] Thank you.