Transcript

[00:00.2 – 00:01.3] Uh, thank you everybody. [00:01.3 – 00:04.6] So, uh, it's my privilege to announce both speakers tonight. [00:04.6 – 00:07.2] Uh, we have our very own Kaley H. [00:07.2 – 00:09.5] And she'll be opening for Lori B. [00:09.5 – 00:14.2] So let's help, uh, welcome o- welcome them on stage , uh, starting with Kaley. [00:14.2 – 00:27.2] Hi, [00:27.2 – 00:27.5] guys. [00:27.5 – 00:27.9] I'm Kaley. [00:27.9 – 00:28.8] I'm a heroin addict. [00:28.8 – 00:33.4] So I was, like, really hi. [00:33.4 – 00:40.9] So I was, like, really, really nervous and, and the only time I haven't been nervous all weekend was, uh, during that sobriety countdown. [00:40.9 – 00:46.3] Um, like, that was really powerful, and I, like, kinda still have tears in my eyes 'cause I'm a big baby now, you know? [00:46.3 – 00:54.5] But you know, I remember my first convention that I ever went to, and I was, like, I don't know, like, probably 40 days sober, and it was Askepah. [00:54.5 – 01:04.5] And I walked in, and I sat in the very back of the room, and I saw people cheering and laughing and hugging, and I was like, “You guys are nuts, and I want absolutely nothing to do with this.” You know? [01:04.5 – 01:11.8] And, and, um, at some point, I looked around, and I'm like, “I'm the only miserable one in this room right now.” You know? [01:11.8 – 01:14.6] Like, everyone is having fun but me. [01:14.6 – 01:16.7] And I couldn't figure it out, you know? [01:16.7 – 01:20.3] And, um, it's kinda when I figured out that I was hitting my bottom. [01:20.3 – 01:23.7] And, you know, I didn't hit my bottom when I was using. [01:23.7 – 01:34.0] My bottom started when I was, when I was sober with absolutely no solution 'cause I was rudely awoken to the fact that I was my problem, and that if you took away the drugs [01:34.0 – 01:37.2] and the alcohol, my life wasn't getting better like I hoped it was. [01:37.2 – 01:37.5] You know? [01:37.5 – 01:40.7] I was dead convinced that if you took away this stuff, everything would be fine. [01:40.7 – 01:50.7] So, you know, when, um, when I first started coming around, like, there was only one AJ meeting that I knew of, and there was about 15 people [01:50.7 – 01:51.5] in there. [01:51.5 – 01:54.9] And, um, you know, that same meeting, Junkie C, Junkie Do- … [01:54.9 – 01:59.2] every Thursday night It, it's, it's, like, packed. [01:59.2 – 02:00.9] You can't even get in there, you know? [02:00.9 – 02:05.5] And so it's been really awesome to watch this fellowship grow about us like the book says it would, you know? [02:05.5 – 02:13.9] And I got to be part of, um, starting an AJ meeting in a, in a treatment center and watch that grow, that it outgrew that treatment center. [02:13.9 – 02:15.0] We had to move it, you know? [02:15.0 – 02:16.4] It's, it's my home group, The Hope. [02:16.4 – 02:19.9] And, um- Hey, guys. [02:19.9 – 02:24.3] You know, so, so i- it's really cool. [02:24.3 – 02:31.8] And, and I hope that you guys can, um, get past the, uh, cool-guy-ness that I had and, um, embrace this. [02:31.8 – 02:37.0] And I hope you can en- enjoy it and start to get the freedom that, you know, we all get from this, you know? [02:37.0 – 02:43.9] Um, like I said, you know, I only have, like, 15 minutes or so, so I'm not gonna get too crazy into it. [02:43.9 – 02:49.4] But I just, you know, I, I can't even begin to say, like, how much my life has changed from working these steps. [02:49.4 – 02:51.4] And I walked in a complete doubter. [02:51.4 – 02:51.9] You know? [02:51.9 – 02:57.3] Like, uh, the contempt prior to investigation, I lived it, and I didn't even know what that meant, though. [02:57.3 – 03:04.8] It you know, it was just, you know, it took me, like, a while, but I was like, “Oh, that was me.” Um, you know, but I, you know, so I have it all. [03:04.8 – 03:09.0] I have, you know, I've had 37 foster care sisters, the 14 step-siblings. [03:09.0 – 03:16.6] You know, I've had a, a brother and a step-brother pass away, um, from complications in gun-related accidents because of this disease. [03:16.6 – 03:19.9] Um, you know, I've, I've harmed people. [03:19.9 – 03:22.4] I, I, uh, I rob. [03:22.4 – 03:22.9] I steal. [03:22.9 – 03:27.3] I end up at the border with a car full of guns and, and on my way back with a car full of blow. [03:27.3 – 03:27.6] You know? [03:27.6 – 03:32.9] Like, that's, that's just where I end up, and I'm rudely awoken to that's where I'm not, I do not belong, you know? [03:32.9 – 03:42.9] But it became so comfortable because, you know, like, it tells us that, you know, i- in the big book of Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says that our alcoholic life [03:42.9 – 03:44.1] became the only normal one. [03:44.1 – 03:45.2] You know? [03:45.2 – 03:46.2] A- and, and that was me. [03:46.2 – 03:49.2] Like, I didn't know that I didn't belong here. [03:49.2 – 03:51.9] I didn't know what was going on inside of me. [03:51.9 – 03:53.3] I still thought I enjoyed it. [03:53.3 – 03:54.1] You know? [03:54.1 – 03:56.0] I didn't know that I was running from something. [03:56.0 – 04:02.0] I didn't know that losing my best friend that was my brother from a shotgun accident, like, tore my life apart. [04:02.0 – 04:02.2] You know? [04:02.2 – 04:04.1] I thought it was, I thought it was just normal. [04:04.1 – 04:12.1] And, and I got to find out, like, through working these steps that, like, I was a scared little girl the whole time, you know? [04:12.1 – 04:12.7] I, I was- [04:12.7 – 04:15.2] This strong person that nothing affected. [04:15.2 – 04:17.1] You know, I was riddled with fear. [04:17.1 – 04:20.3] I think it says, like, 1,000 forms of fear or something like, you know. [04:20.3 – 04:21.8] And, and, and that was me. [04:21.8 – 04:26.5] And, and still is me when I'm not in fit spiritual condition. [04:26.5 – 04:28.2] Like right now, I'm shaking inside. [04:28.2 – 04:32.5] But, you know, we'll get past that hopefully. [04:32.5 – 04:37.3] Um, and, you know, I, I, I went into the… [04:37.3 – 04:41.1] You know, e-eventually my family's like, “Look, we know what's going on. [04:41.1 – 04:51.1] Like, do you wanna get help?” And, and, um, I was like, that was, like, my first sense of relief I had had in years because the heroin [04:51.1 – 04:53.2] no longer brought me relief, you know. [04:53.2 – 04:59.5] It, it was, I was just getting by every day, you know, and I, I'm so exhausted of living this double life. [04:59.5 – 05:09.6] You know, my family's Mormon, so I'm like, on one hand, I'm over here, this Molly Mormon doing everything right, and then on the other hand, I'm actually in the bathroom at the church [05:09.6 – 05:11.1] getting high, you know. [05:11.1 – 05:14.8] And, and it's, it's really exhausting, you know. [05:14.8 – 05:17.2] And I'm, I'm stealing from my grandmother who loves me. [05:17.2 – 05:25.0] I'm sleeping in my car in the Walmart parking lot because I can't walk into my grandmother's house loaded one more time, you know. [05:25.0 – 05:31.0] And then, and then that shame and that guilt just kept building up and building up and, and then it, it became this vicious cycle. [05:31.0 – 05:41.0] You know, like, I like uppers too, so, like, while I'm trying to find this cycle of, like, uppers and downers, it was, like, the same cycle that I'm trying to, like, get over, you know, like, get [05:41.0 – 05:47.7] just high enough to get over the shame and the guilt which then brought more shame and guilt which then I had to cover which then it brought, you know. [05:47.7 – 05:49.9] And it was just, like, this never-ending cycle. [05:49.9 – 05:53.4] And, um, so when my parents and my, you know, family… [05:53.4 – 06:02.3] Really, what happened was I walked in, I saw my dad and my stepmom and my mom and my stepdad all in the same room, and I was like, “Phew, it's actually going down right now,” you know? [06:02.3 – 06:08.7] Um, and, and, and that was, that was the first relief I had felt in years, you know. [06:08.7 – 06:19.1] And I, I don't know why or what but, you know, I, I agreed to go to detox and, you know, I, uh, I went in and, [06:19.1 – 06:20.5] and I didn't know what treatment was. [06:20.5 – 06:27.5] You know, I had been to, like, a methadone clinic, and I had been on Suboxone for months at a time and, and all that, but I didn't know that people got sober. [06:27.5 – 06:29.2] Like, I didn't know that existed. [06:29.2 – 06:30.9] You either ride that shit out or you die. [06:30.9 – 06:34.5] Like, that, you know, and, and that was my reality even within my own family. [06:34.5 – 06:36.2] You know, my mom's an addict. [06:36.2 – 06:37.4] My stepdad's an addict. [06:37.4 – 06:38.9] My oldest brother's an addict. [06:38.9 – 06:41.7] You know, it, it just, that's, that's how it goes. [06:41.7 – 06:50.9] And, um, so I went to this detox center, and I was like, “Wow.” I, uh, didn't know what I was getting myself into. [06:50.9 – 06:58.4] It was, like, half psych patients and half detox, so there's, like, some of us that are, like, shaking, and then the other ones are, like, nodding off in their food. [06:58.4 – 07:04.5] And I'm like, “How do I get that?” You know, and it was just like, I don't know. [07:04.5 – 07:05.8] So I, I, y- I was… [07:05.8 – 07:12.9] I, I had never really detoxed 'cause I would just, like, supplement with something else, and so, like, that was really bad. [07:12.9 – 07:16.3] I wet the bed, like, three nights out of the four or five I was there. [07:16.3 – 07:17.4] Like, you know what I mean? [07:17.4 – 07:18.8] Like, it was not pretty. [07:18.8 – 07:22.7] And, um- You know, they kept telling me, like… [07:22.7 – 07:26.8] Honestly, I don't even remember, like, but I think I went to meetings there. [07:26.8 – 07:34.1] And, you know, before this, the only meeting I had ever been introduced to the 12 steps was in, I was court-ordered when I was 15. [07:34.1 – 07:41.3] And I went, and I sat in the back of the room at the North Scottsdale Fellowship Club, and, um, and then I never went back. [07:41.3 – 07:47.7] And I told my security guard at school I didn't really have to do it, and I manipulated her, and she felt bad 'cause my brother had just died. [07:47.7 – 07:52.5] And so she signed off on all my hours, and I just had to sit with her for 10 minutes at lunch every day, you know. [07:52.5 – 07:56.2] So it was like that was the only introduction I had to this solution. [07:56.2 – 08:00.9] And little did I know when I was 15 years old sitting in the back of that room that it would change my life forever. [08:00.9 – 08:05.3] And, um, so they told me to go to treatment. [08:05.3 – 08:15.3] And I was like, “I don't really know what treatment is.” The only other person I knew that had ever gone to treatment was really, really rich, and she was, like, in Malibu with, like, stars and stuff as their roommates. [08:15.3 – 08:18.2] And I was like, “I don't think I could do that,” you know. [08:18.2 – 08:22.5] So I ended up going to a treatment center in, in Chandler. [08:22.5 – 08:25.3] And, um, you know, again- [08:26.0 – 08:31.1] I was kind of like riding out that, that relief of like everyone knows now. [08:31.1 – 08:33.4] Like I don't have to go and do all the things that I was doing. [08:33.4 – 08:36.9] And, um, that like maybe it was gonna get better, right? [08:36.9 – 08:40.4] You know, like they're getting me on it, not physically hooked anymore. [08:40.4 – 08:44.8] So, you know, once that goes away and I feel better, then I'll be fine. [08:44.8 – 08:52.6] And, um, again, that's when I started to realize that, you know, all the people around me were getting better and I wasn't, and I couldn't figure out why, you know? [08:52.6 – 09:00.9] And so I would ask them, you know, I'm like, “I go to all the groups and you don't, like, why are you getting better and not me?” And every single one of 'em told me that they got a sponsor and they were working the steps. [09:00.9 – 09:05.0] And I immediately wrote off everything they said 'cause I didn't think the steps were worth it. [09:05.0 – 09:05.8] You know? [09:05.8 – 09:13.0] I mean, I logically I could look at it and say, you know, yeah, like go right your wrongs and believe in something greater. [09:13.0 – 09:15.8] Like my family does that, but it doesn't work for me, you know? [09:15.8 – 09:18.5] And, and, uh, just try not to be a shitty person. [09:18.5 – 09:19.4] Like of course. [09:19.4 – 09:21.6] But like I have real problems, you know? [09:21.6 – 09:31.7] And, um, time after time they kept telling me the same thing and I kept writing it off until finally I got so miserable sober that I had two options, [09:31.7 – 09:41.4] to go out and get high and have to go tell my grandmother that I had relapsed or to try your steps, prove you that it doesn't work and then I can go do that. [09:41.4 – 09:46.6] And, um, here I am a few years later still proving myself wrong, you know? [09:46.6 – 09:47.9] Yeah. [09:47.9 – 09:54.7] And, uh, I, I've had times in my sobriety where, um, the only thing I had to go off of was you guys. [09:54.7 – 09:56.8] You know, it was the only thing that kept me going. [09:56.8 – 09:58.2] And it was because I was… [09:58.2 – 10:08.2] It was drilled into me from the start to, to build a firm foundation, you know, to, to get a service commitment, to have a home group, to, you know, [10:08.2 – 10:11.0] find people that had, uh, like-minded goals as I did. [10:11.0 – 10:15.9] And it was really just to try to practice these principles in all my affairs, you know? [10:15.9 – 10:25.4] And, um, there's been times in my sobriety where I've, I've just been, I, I think I was saying it earlier, I was just like running on autopilot and I, I didn't even know until a few months later. [10:25.4 – 10:34.0] I'm like, “How the hell did I make it through that?” And it was only because I had had that stuff ingrained into me, you know, like, this is what you do, you know? [10:34.0 – 10:37.5] And, and today, like, yeah, I have a wonderful job. [10:37.5 – 10:44.8] I, I have, I get to work with people like us and, and they understand me and, and I get to, you know, hang out all day basically with them. [10:44.8 – 10:46.0] And my family's around. [10:46.0 – 10:48.3] I have a car, all that stuff, you know? [10:48.3 – 10:56.5] Um, but the things that keep me doing this is moments like this, watching people stand up here in front of everybody and we're cheering them to be sober. [10:56.5 – 10:58.9] Like, I thought that was so corny. [10:58.9 – 11:00.7] Like your, your scripted prayers. [11:00.7 – 11:03.1] Like I, I didn't have any time for any of that. [11:03.1 – 11:05.8] And, and, uh, like that's, that's why I do this now. [11:05.8 – 11:09.0] I've found a new solution to my problem, you know? [11:09.0 – 11:13.9] And I don't care who you are, if you're in here, chances are you might have that same problem that I have. [11:13.9 – 11:18.0] And I promise you, if you stay around and you listen, this solution does work. [11:18.0 – 11:18.8] You know? [11:18.8 – 11:25.3] And, and I, I get to have things like my little sister who told me she would never talk to me again and I couldn't be around my nephew. [11:25.3 – 11:27.0] I was the worst sister in the world. [11:27.0 – 11:34.7] Remember I've had a lot of siblings, so, um, it was, you know, it made me feel, feel pretty shitty, you know? [11:34.7 – 11:42.6] And, uh, when I got my three years, she, uh, she called me and asked me if I would go to an open meeting so she could come with me to get my chip. [11:42.6 – 11:48.3] And she calls me when she needs somebody to watch her son overnight 'cause she's a nurse at a hospital, you know? [11:48.3 – 11:54.8] And, and I get to walk in front of my grandmother and put my hand on her doorknob where I couldn't even walk in that house and not have one bit of shame and guilt. [11:54.8 – 12:00.5] And, you know, I'm like, that's why I do this and that's why I stay here and that's why I continue to do this. [12:00.5 – 12:06.6] And, um, you know, I think my time's almost up, but you guys, it's worth it. [12:06.6 – 12:10.8] I promise if you're sitting in here thinking this is all stupid, corny, it'll never work, like that's me. [12:10.8 – 12:20.9] So here I stand before you, you know, my sobriety date's September 7th, 2013, and I can sit here and tell you that my life has changed and continues [12:20.9 – 12:24.4] to change as I continue to do the work, you know? [12:24.4 – 12:26.2] Um, so please give it a shot. [12:26.2 – 12:29.1] Prove us wrong, and I hope to see you guys around. [12:29.1 – 12:29.7] We need you.