Transcript

[00:01.0 – 00:01.6] All right, guys. [00:01.6 – 00:04.7] Uh, some new faces, some old faces. [00:04.7 – 00:08.2] Uh, my name is Kurt, for anyone who hasn't met me or doesn't know me. [00:08.2 – 00:12.1] Uh, my sobriety date is March 12th, 2014. [00:12.1 – 00:19.9] I have one thousand eight hundred and sixty-eight days, nights, weekends, holidays clean and sober, free from a drink or a drug. [00:19.9 – 00:21.9] I have a sponsor who has a sponsor. [00:21.9 – 00:27.8] I actively work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I sponsor other men. [00:27.8 – 00:33.8] Uh, so I'm here to share with you, uh, what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. [00:33.8 – 00:43.8] Um, I was born- I was born in Atlanta, guys. [00:43.8 – 00:45.9] I'm, I'm a, I'm an Atlanta baby. [00:45.9 – 00:48.4] I was born at Northside, uh, down at the perimeter. [00:48.4 – 00:55.7] Uh, at the time I was born, I– our house was in, in South Forsyth, Mullinax Road, like McFarland Road type area. [00:55.7 – 01:01.0] Um, lived at that house with both of my parents till I was three and a half. [01:01.0 – 01:02.7] That was like my first memory. [01:02.7 – 01:12.8] The first thing I can recollect in my brain when I look back, um, is the last time that, that I was ever under the same roof with my [01:12.8 – 01:14.6] mom and my dad at the same time. [01:14.6 – 01:15.9] Uh, pretty… [01:15.9 – 01:17.7] This fucking guy. [01:17.7 – 01:19.6] Just come on in. [01:19.6 – 01:21.7] I'll wait for you. [01:21.7 – 01:22.4] Thanks. [01:22.4 – 01:23.0] All right. [01:23.0 – 01:24.2] Sorry, everyone. [01:24.2 – 01:25.1] All right. [01:25.1 – 01:35.2] So that was the, uh, that was the first memory that I can recollect in my brain, is when my mom was packing up all my shit into a big box that forever stayed [01:35.2 – 01:38.1] in our house as the Christmas decoration box, right? [01:38.1 – 01:47.2] Um, I can, I can still remember this vision of, of my mom sitting on the da- on the ground crying, my dad just screaming. [01:47.2 – 01:48.6] She's throwing shit in the box. [01:48.6 – 01:52.8] I don't know what's going on, but like, it's crazy how like three and a half years, right? [01:52.8 – 01:58.7] It's thirty-one years ago, and I can't remember shit from a year or two later or whatever, but I can remember that, right? [01:58.7 – 02:00.0] It's amazing how our minds work. [02:00.0 – 02:05.5] Um, so, uh, that– Like I said, that was the last time that we were all under one roof. [02:05.5 – 02:10.0] We– My mom moved to Alpharetta, Jones Bridge Road, Chattahoochee High School District. [02:10.0 – 02:13.8] Uh, back then, uh, it was all horse farm. [02:13.8 – 02:15.0] It wasn't what it is now. [02:15.0 – 02:18.5] Um, so I basically… [02:18.5 – 02:19.8] I, I lived in Alpharetta. [02:19.8 – 02:25.8] I grew up in the same school systems with the same people from elementary school to middle school to high school. [02:25.8 – 02:32.7] Um, the, the biggest change came about my freshman year of high school. [02:32.7 – 02:36.4] Um, let me back up just a, just a hair. [02:36.4 – 02:37.4] So my… [02:37.4 – 02:47.4] Uh, all, all through my childhood, I always had this, um, this desire to feel different, [02:47.4 – 02:52.7] whether it was excitement or danger or scared or whatever, right? [02:52.7 – 02:55.7] I, I liked to, uh, I liked to light shit on fire. [02:55.7 – 02:56.9] I liked to steal stuff. [02:56.9 – 02:59.8] Um, I liked to sneak out of my house. [02:59.8 – 03:01.5] I liked to, you know, just whatever, man. [03:01.5 – 03:05.4] We car hopped a lot back in the day, but I was always like into something, right? [03:05.4 – 03:10.7] Um, and, and anything that got my blood flowing, I liked it. [03:10.7 – 03:16.3] And I liked it to the point where it like preoccupied my mind, and I was like, “Okay, I'm gonna seek that again,” right? [03:16.3 – 03:22.0] Uh, my first experience with a drink or a drug, I was about thirteen years old. [03:22.0 – 03:28.3] I'd found a bottle of Jack Daniels in one of these trucks that I'd been rummaging through, and, uh, we're sitting out in the woods. [03:28.3 – 03:29.4] I thought it would be a good idea. [03:29.4 – 03:35.7] You know, I kept, I kept everything in a stash spot outside of my house because, uh, my mom was pretty crafty, right? [03:35.7 – 03:42.2] Um, so I kept everything in the woods, and at that time it was summer, so it was really hot. [03:42.2 – 03:45.8] Um, and I thought it was just time. [03:45.8 – 03:46.3] You know what I mean? [03:46.3 – 03:50.7] It wasn't but like a little pint, man, but I thought it, it was– it was time to bring the Jack out. [03:50.7 – 03:54.2] I was already smoking cigarettes, doing whatever, and back then I was getting high on cigarettes, man. [03:54.2 – 03:55.0] Y'all know what that's like? [03:55.0 – 03:56.5] Blah. [03:56.5 – 04:01.5] Um, so, so we decided to step up from cigarettes, man. [04:01.5 – 04:03.7] My mom's old half-burnt Virginia Slims menthols. [04:03.7 – 04:09.4] Um, and, uh, step up from cigarettes, and it was time for some, for some Jack, right? [04:09.4 – 04:14.5] Um, that experience, uh, I, I don't… [04:14.5 – 04:23.6] I felt a little bit intoxicated, but I wasn't really able to keep enough of it down at that point where I like really got drunk or got high, you know? [04:23.6 – 04:33.6] Um, but there was something about that lifestyle, that group of people that, you know, y-you, you see on a, on a commercial or in a [04:33.6 – 04:34.8] movie, everything's glorified. [04:34.8 – 04:35.6] The party, right? [04:35.6 – 04:37.1] Every-everything's about the party. [04:37.1 – 04:40.1] Growing up, my, my mom was a, a big partier. [04:40.1 – 04:46.0] She, she used to throw a lot of parties and gatherings, and there was a joke around the house that, like, I could go to bed. [04:46.0 – 04:53.0] We had these like Sony speakers that sat off the floor like this big, and my mom pushed those things to their limit, right? [04:53.0 – 04:54.4] But like, I could sleep through it. [04:54.4 – 04:56.3] I was just so used to it. [04:56.3 – 04:58.5] Um, as I… [04:58.5 – 04:59.9] I was probably thirteen, fourteen. [04:59.9 – 05:08.6] So by this time, I'm starting to like figure out that, that my mom and my dad are both involved with this, this lifestyle that I was kind of intrigued by. [05:08.6 – 05:18.6] Um, I would find pot seeds in my dad's toilet and little like burnt ashes and like cashed out bowls and joint roaches and, [05:18.6 – 05:22.3] um, there was always this funky smell in the house, you know? [05:22.3 – 05:32.1] And my mom, you know, it was, it was not uncommon to have ten, fifteen people over at the house, everybody partying three, four, five o'clock in the morning. [05:32.1 – 05:42.2] Um, I actually was rummaging through some, some baby pictures at one point not too long ago, and I think there's actually one of me sitting [05:42.2 – 05:45.9] on a bed with a plate that was used for cocaine. [05:45.9 – 05:53.5] Now, there was no cocaine left 'cause you can't leave it on the plate, but there was a plate and a straw in the picture with me like on the bed, right? [05:53.5 – 05:57.4] Um, but my mom and dad were both successful. [05:57.4 – 06:07.5] So like my idea was, and, and the, the, the, the, the picture I had in my head of somebody that wanted to live that lifestyle was that, you know, [06:07.5 – 06:15.4] you could do that And still have some kids, and have a job, and a nice house, and a nice car, and be successful, and do all those things, right? [06:15.4 – 06:23.6] And my dad's still up here in the hills of Dawsonville drinking moonshine, smoking a joint, uh, but he's not one of us, right? [06:23.6 – 06:26.6] How he's not, I don't know, but I can promise you he's not. [06:26.6 – 06:29.6] I, I, I could- would have definitely qualified him for him by now. [06:29.6 – 06:33.7] Um, my mom got to a certain point. [06:33.7 – 06:35.9] Once I got sober, she quit drinking. [06:35.9 – 06:39.6] She quit, she quit doing powder a long time ago, but she quit drinking. [06:39.6 – 06:46.4] Um, and, and she was still smoking a little bit of pot, but both of these people, um… [06:46.4 – 06:55.3] I, I had modeled myself after this idea that, hey, like, I can live this kinda lifestyle, and I can do these things, and I can still be successful. [06:55.3 – 07:00.6] Um, so I switched schools in ninth grade, went over to my dad's. [07:00.6 – 07:09.1] Now, at that point, like I said, Alpharetta was still like horse pastures, but it was a little bit more built up than South Forsyth. [07:09.1 – 07:18.9] So there was a little bit more access to drugs, alcohol, pills, things that, things that hadn't quite made it up here yet, right? [07:18.9 – 07:24.4] Uh, you know, Chattahoochee had probably thirty percent Black or, or other race. [07:24.4 – 07:27.4] Uh, when I went to South Forsyth, there was one. [07:27.4 – 07:28.9] One. [07:28.9 – 07:32.6] So, um, it was a, a, a bit of a dynamic change. [07:32.6 – 07:40.5] Uh, I, I'm the type of person who's a chameleon, so I, I pretty much blended in pretty quickly, pretty easily. [07:40.5 – 07:48.7] I figured out that, uh, that I had some resources that other people didn't have, and that was appealing to this whole group of people that I didn't know yet. [07:48.7 – 07:58.6] Um, so I decided to utilize those resources and, and start, you know, getting involved with, with whatever I could, you know, back and forth. [07:58.6 – 08:01.5] Um, you know, high school was still fun, man. [08:01.5 – 08:02.2] You know? [08:02.2 – 08:08.0] It wasn't like I picked up a drink and, and the first time I picked something up, man, I was one of us. [08:08.0 – 08:08.4] You know? [08:08.4 – 08:11.1] It wasn't like, oh, I just, I just flipped a switch. [08:11.1 – 08:12.1] High school was still fun. [08:12.1 – 08:13.9] Uh, we had a lot of parties. [08:13.9 – 08:16.1] We, we had a lot of crazy nights. [08:16.1 – 08:22.3] There was a, you know, a cornucopia of, of whatever that you could imagine that, that I had experiences with. [08:22.3 – 08:26.8] Um, but I did start having some consequences, right? [08:26.8 – 08:34.2] So, uh, into, into my sophomore year in high school, I got set up with some weed. [08:34.2 – 08:39.2] Went and, and got sent off to, uh, uh, Wrightsville Youth Detention Center. [08:39.2 – 08:49.9] That was my first experience with anything that wasn't like just, “Hey, you're getting booked in and you're getting booked out.” It was like ninety to one twenty in a juvenile detention facility, um, [08:50.4 – 08:54.0] which I'm here to tell you, I've been to juvenile, I've been to adult prisons, jails. [08:54.0 – 08:56.6] Them fucking kids are crazy, man. [08:56.6 – 08:57.4] All right? [08:57.4 – 08:59.7] Uh, but it didn't change anything, man. [08:59.7 – 09:01.9] I walked out of that place and I was like, “All right. [09:01.9 – 09:04.8] Now I got some street cred.” You know? [09:04.8 – 09:09.5] “I've been locked up before now.” I came back with a little tattoo, y'all. [09:09.5 – 09:10.6] Three dots. [09:10.6 – 09:11.5] Yep. [09:11.5 – 09:13.5] Anybody else got that? [09:13.5 – 09:15.3] Come on. [09:15.3 – 09:17.5] I know there's somebody in here with it. [09:17.5 – 09:18.2] Uh-huh. [09:18.2 – 09:19.6] I got the same- Oh, you can't lie, dude … [09:19.6 – 09:20.4] I got the same spot. [09:20.4 – 09:21.4] Yeah, you can't lie. [09:21.4 – 09:22.1] In juv though. [09:22.1 – 09:24.3] Uh, and I got this other real nice one on my ankle. [09:24.3 – 09:25.7] They caught me halfway through doing it. [09:25.7 – 09:26.5] It's ridiculous. [09:26.5 – 09:31.8] Um, but, you know, I, I got out of there and it didn't change anything, man. [09:31.8 – 09:32.6] It was just like, okay. [09:32.6 – 09:35.5] It was almost like a, a leap pad, you know? [09:35.5 – 09:45.2] Um, into, uh, later into high school, uh, junior year, they, they politely asked me to leave and not come back. [09:45.2 – 09:50.6] Um, at that point, you know, they had, they had suspended me out of school. [09:50.6 – 10:00.6] I had given a girl some hallucinogens, and she had taken them while she was in school, and she was running up and down the halls freaking out and, uh, you [10:00.6 – 10:03.4] know, she snitched on him, he snitched on me kind of thing. [10:03.4 – 10:06.1] Uh, so that was the end of my public school career. [10:06.1 – 10:09.3] So at seventeen, it was like, all right, you got all this time on your hands. [10:09.3 – 10:19.4] Uh, my, my parents were pretty much just like, “Look, you're gonna get a fucking GED and you're gonna work and, you know, you're gonna have to live with the choices you've made.” Um, [10:19.4 – 10:23.5] so I was, I was always really good about knowing the parameters, right? [10:23.5 – 10:27.3] Um, so in my mind, what I heard was, I can get a GED. [10:27.3 – 10:29.2] I never, I never struggled in school, man. [10:29.2 – 10:31.0] I always– I never studied. [10:31.0 – 10:32.0] I never did homework. [10:32.0 – 10:33.6] I would test out on everything easy. [10:33.6 – 10:36.1] Getting a GED was not a concern for me, right? [10:36.1 – 10:39.4] Um, having a job was not a concern. [10:39.4 – 10:40.3] I could work for my dad. [10:40.3 – 10:46.9] Um, but I always knew the parameters and I did just enough to kinda keep people off my back. [10:46.9 – 10:57.0] I would be just actively involved with enough of my life outside of the life that it became to, to keep people just enough at distance, right? [10:57.0 – 10:58.8] Wasn't somebody on my ass all the time. [10:58.8 – 11:08.8] Um, at that point, you know, the, the party, instead of being after school and on the weekends, [11:08.8 – 11:10.8] was like wide open, you know? [11:10.8 – 11:15.6] Like, I got all this time and I got all this, this time for activities- Mm-hmm … [11:15.6 – 11:16.0] you know? [11:16.0 – 11:23.7] And, uh, and so my, my using quickly escalated into a, uh, a pretty steady thing. [11:23.7 – 11:33.1] You know, I went through, I went through periods at that point in time where, where I would do a lot of cocaine and smoke crack for a while and, you know, I'd lose fifteen, twenty pounds. [11:33.1 – 11:38.4] I wouldn't sleep for three or four days and I'd be like, “Hey, man, this has gotta stop.” Um, and, and I would pause. [11:38.4 – 11:41.0] I'd go back to everything else, but I would pause on that. [11:41.0 – 11:44.0] Um, you know, I would do the same thing with meth. [11:44.0 – 11:46.5] I would do the same thing with pills, right? [11:46.5 – 11:53.0] But it– I, I always– Weed and alcohol were always a part of my, of, of my daily ritual. [11:53.0 – 11:56.4] You know, they were always a catalyst to whatever else was going on. [11:56.4 – 12:04.5] Uh, but I, I, uh, I would go through phases where I would just exploit the shit out of one drug or another until, like, my body just physically couldn't handle it anymore. [12:04.5 – 12:11.8] Um, and so I, uh, I continued down that road about twenty-one. [12:11.8 – 12:22.1] Um, by that time, I had entered into the world of prescription drugs on a, on a pretty big high l- on a pretty [12:22.1 – 12:22.8] big scale. [12:22.8 – 12:29.1] I was actually, uh, I was actually getting pills from a guy that was getting them direct from a manufacturer. [12:29.1 – 12:38.9] So like, I don't know if anyone's ever seen a bottle of like a thousand, uh, big bottles like that, but that's what I was getting and, and back then it was Oxycontin, right? [12:38.9 – 12:41.8] It was the real eighty milligram Oxycontins. [12:41.8 – 12:43.0] Uh, you may have heard about them. [12:43.0 – 12:44.9] Not many of you have probably ever seen one. [12:44.9 – 12:48.9] Uh, but it was a powerful little fucking pill, man. [12:48.9 – 12:57.0] Um, and, and that was the w- the, the exposure to opiates that kinda took it to that next level. [12:57.0 – 13:00.5] I was like, I've realized what a high strength op- [13:00.7 – 13:02.5] It could do and how it made me feel. [13:02.5 – 13:12.5] And, and I can remember, um, the first time I took one, I can remember, you know, every time, every time I took a drug, it was always [13:12.5 – 13:13.7] kind of a, a new drug. [13:13.7 – 13:16.7] It was always kind of like an experiment, an adventure. [13:16.7 – 13:21.5] I, I was one of those people that would told myself when I was really young, when I first started getting high, I was like, “You know what? [13:21.5 – 13:22.8] I'm gonna try everything. [13:22.8 – 13:24.5] Everything. [13:24.5 – 13:26.5] Like, there's nothing I'm gonna say no to. [13:26.5 – 13:27.5] I'm gonna try it all once. [13:27.5 – 13:28.5] If I like it, cool. [13:28.5 – 13:31.3] If I don't, y'all can keep it, you know? [13:31.3 – 13:39.6] But whatever, I'm gonna try it all once.” Um, so I can remember I'd pop Lortabs and, and, you know, hy- hydrocodone, Percocet, whatever it was. [13:39.6 – 13:49.9] But, um, I can remember my first experience with it, with an Oxycontin 80, and I just remember that feeling of like just, [13:49.9 – 14:00.1] ugh, just like I could breathe out and all that stress and all that anxiety and fear and, and uncomfortability and distress and whatever I was going [14:00.1 – 14:01.8] through, it just like, it just was a weight. [14:01.8 – 14:05.0] It was like lifted off my shoulders and, and like thrown off, you know? [14:05.0 – 14:12.9] And, uh, and I can remember having a conversation with myself, uh, that went something along the lines of like, “This is it. [14:12.9 – 14:14.6] This is it,” right? [14:14.6 – 14:20.2] Like, I've been looking for that drug that I could do and, and like I'm ready to go all in. [14:20.2 – 14:20.9] I'm an addict, right? [14:20.9 – 14:24.0] So when I find it, like I'm looking for it, and when I find it, I'm gonna go all in. [14:24.0 – 14:28.2] I tried that with meth and cocaine, and it does not work for a long, sustained period of time. [14:28.2 – 14:34.8] Um, so when I found, when I found the opiates, the strong ones, I was like, “Man, this is it,” you know? [14:34.8 – 14:35.6] I can eat. [14:35.6 – 14:39.5] I can sleep at first. [14:39.5 – 14:43.3] Uh, I could walk into the bedroom a rookie and walk out a fucking all-star. [14:43.3 – 14:50.7] Um, I, I don't, I don't lose weight like, like I did on, on the other drugs. [14:50.7 – 14:53.4] Uh, it, it was just something that I thought, “Okay, this will sustain. [14:53.4 – 14:55.3] This will work,” you know? [14:55.3 – 14:57.6] Um, I was so naive. [14:57.6 – 14:59.1] I had no idea. [14:59.1 – 15:04.8] You know, I had never been, I had never been physically, uh, attached to something before. [15:04.8 – 15:14.8] You know, every time I had wanted to let go of something in the past, uh, I could actually physically separate, and I'd never been, uh, I'd never experienced any kind of [15:14.8 – 15:17.5] a physical attachment to anything. [15:17.5 – 15:21.5] Um, I went, I went down that road for a good little while. [15:21.5 – 15:25.4] Uh, lots of arrests, you know, lots of DUIs. [15:25.4 – 15:35.4] Um, I, I– It would take me a whole 'nother hour to go through my criminal record and, and most everything on it has a sprinkle of drugs or alcohol in one way, shape, or [15:35.4 – 15:43.4] form, whether it's a DUI or, you know, uh, financial transaction card thefts, frauds, you know, possession, whatever it is. [15:43.4 – 15:47.0] Everything is kind of tainted with a little sprinkle of drugs and alcohol. [15:47.0 – 15:56.5] Um, well, one day the, uh, the dope man, the, the pill guy, uh, his connect dried up, you know? [15:56.5 – 16:00.4] Um, and that's when I discovered heroin. [16:00.4 – 16:10.5] You know, it was one of those things where like back then, guys, uh, and I started doing heroin in probably, uh, 2002, um, [16:10.5 – 16:17.0] maybe 2001, and back then, I mean, it was, it was at the Bluff, but that's the only place it was at. [16:17.0 – 16:17.9] You know what I mean? [16:17.9 – 16:19.8] It wasn't something that you just ran across. [16:19.8 – 16:24.0] It wasn't something that you could just call somebody in Cleveland and go get. [16:24.0 – 16:24.5] You know what I mean? [16:24.5 – 16:34.5] It was like, it was that drug that like you're in a house full of people smoking a chalet in the living room, and like you're sneaking off to the bathroom to go shoot dope because you're s- you're [16:34.5 – 16:35.6] considered a junkie. [16:35.6 – 16:36.8] You know what I'm saying? [16:36.8 – 16:37.9] Like, it, it wasn't cool. [16:37.9 – 16:41.5] It wasn't– It just wasn't, wasn't what it is now. [16:41.5 – 16:49.4] Um, and again, you know, I had told myself I would try anything and everything once, so I, I did that. [16:49.4 – 16:50.7] I went down that road. [16:50.7 – 16:58.5] Uh, I also told myself at that time that I would not ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever stick a needle in my arm, right? [16:58.5 – 17:03.5] Same time I made the agreement that I would try every drug once, I made the agreement I'd never stick a needle in my arm. [17:03.5 – 17:11.5] Um, not far into my relationship with heroin, uh, you know, I was around people that were doing it that way. [17:11.5 – 17:22.1] Um, and sooner than later, I ended up in a position where the effects that I was getting, the way I was administering weren't satisfying [17:22.1 – 17:28.0] enough, and I was watching these people partaking in what they were doing, and it looked appealing. [17:28.0 – 17:38.4] All of a sudden, you know, those, those reservations I had made and those limits that I had set for myself kind of went out the window, and, uh, I was exposed to that whole world [17:38.4 – 17:41.0] of, uh, injecting heroin. [17:41.0 – 17:48.1] Uh, from that point on, it's a pretty steady, definable slope downward, right? [17:48.1 – 17:53.7] Uh, anything and everything I could get my hands on at that point all went into my body that way. [17:53.7 – 17:57.8] You know, there– And even things that weren't able to go in there that way. [17:57.8 – 18:01.9] Um, I, I, I just, I wanted to try everything, you know? [18:01.9 – 18:12.0] It's like, “Holy shit, this is awesome.” Um, through my, you know, through my experience, there were some times where I didn't like the fact that I had to [18:12.0 – 18:16.4] wake up every day and do this or do it every, you know, 24 hours or I started getting physically ill. [18:16.4 – 18:19.7] So I did try, uh, some Suboxone at one point. [18:19.7 – 18:21.2] I tried methadone for a while. [18:21.2 – 18:24.0] I was on methadone for about three years. [18:24.0 – 18:29.3] Um, and in the whole time, like I'm not involved in any of this, right? [18:29.3 – 18:39.4] I'm just, “Hey, if I can stop shooting dope, like my life will just get better.” And when I stop shooting dope and, you know, I go back out on a meth binge or, [18:39.4 – 18:40.1] or whatever it is. [18:40.1 – 18:45.7] Um, and so, you know, I continued down that road. [18:45.7 – 18:48.9] 2004 was the first time the brakes really got pumped on me. [18:48.9 – 18:55.7] Um, I, I got my fifth arrest for DUI within like seven years. [18:55.7 – 19:02.3] Um, and the, the courts in Forsyth County decided they'd give me an opportunity at a DUI court. [19:02.3 – 19:03.7] It was the first year they'd ever done it. [19:03.7 – 19:07.3] Uh, pretty similar to drug court, and I know y'all got that up here. [19:07.3 – 19:14.9] It's, you know, you call, report, do a pee test when they want you to, take, uh, cla- do classes, go to meetings, get your sheet signed, all that good jazz. [19:14.9 – 19:19.0] Uh, and at that point, you know, I'm, I'm twenty years old. [19:19.0 – 19:24.6] Um, I had kind of accepted the fact that I was a drug addict. [19:24.6 – 19:34.4] Like, I could look at my life, and I'm a pretty logical person, and I'm like, “Yeah, man,” like, “you look at the past, you know, seven or eight years,” like, “that's not what normal people do,” you know? [19:34.4 – 19:37.2] Uh, and I definitely pushed things to the max. [19:37.2 – 19:45.5] And so I had accepted that I was a drug addict and an alcoholic, um, but I, I don't think I cared, you know? [19:45.5 – 19:49.2] I don't, I don't, I don't know if any of y'all have ever been there, but it's like, “Yeah, I am what I am. [19:49.2 – 19:52.6] This is what I am, and I'm okay with it right now,” you know? [19:52.6 – 19:57.3] Um, and, and so I bullshitted my way through that program for a while. [19:57.3 – 20:02.6] I think I ended up with, uh, a revocation and, and serving out the rest of my time in jail. [20:02.6 – 20:07.8] I got out, I was off paper, um, and, and continued down that road for a while. [20:07.8 – 20:15.4] Faced two more pretty big arrests, one in twenty ten that got me sent to the Bridges of Hope, and one in twenty twelve that got me sent to the Bridges of Hope again. [20:15.4 – 20:25.5] Uh, so, you know, apparently there was a lot of people in my life that could see the drugs and alcohol were causing a pretty big problem and thought that, you know, I needed one, two, three, [20:25.5 – 20:27.5] four chances to, to try to get right. [20:27.5 – 20:34.5] Um, two thousand ten, I went through the program with no intention of staying sober. [20:34.5 – 20:38.2] I had every intention of not doing heroin again, right? [20:38.2 – 20:48.4] Um, you know, heroin, while it was one of those things that I thought was like, “Oh, this is great,” um, problem is, is I didn't have an endless supply of money, [20:48.4 – 20:58.6] nor did the dope man always pick up the phone, nor did I always have a way to get down to Atlanta, and that becomes a conflict when you're physically addicted to something because [20:58.6 – 21:00.7] it's not a want to, it's a have to, right? [21:00.7 – 21:10.6] Um, so I, I, for a long time, guys, I sat there with that attitude of like, “If I can just stop sticking a fucking needle in my arm,” right? [21:10.6 – 21:20.9] Uh, you know, twenty, twenty-four, twenty-five years old, sitting in rehab and, and, uh, you know, I still wanted to hold on to the weed and the alcohol [21:20.9 – 21:24.9] and a little bit of pills here and there, but like, I did not wanna shoot dope anymore. [21:24.9 – 21:28.8] Um, I got out in twenty ten, didn't do shit. [21:28.8 – 21:33.8] Uh, was, was relapsing on my passes, you know? [21:33.8 – 21:35.7] I would go home and I'd drink and I'd come back. [21:35.7 – 21:40.1] I picked up a six-month chip, you know, when I left there, bullshitting everybody. [21:40.1 – 21:48.1] Uh, in my eyes, I justified it by, “Hey, uh, I'm not shooting heroin and that's why I'm here, so I deserve this chip.” I didn't deserve shit. [21:48.1 – 21:53.7] Um, twenty twelve, another big arrest, right back down to the Bridges. [21:53.7 – 22:03.8] Now, at this point, I'd started to like maybe analyze the, the things I was doing and what hadn't been working and the fact that I had really been trying to, uh, to figure this thing out [22:03.8 – 22:06.4] with like the magical combination. [22:06.4 – 22:13.7] You know, the, the just weed and alcohol or just weed or just alcohol or weed and some pills or, or whatever it was, right? [22:13.7 – 22:20.6] Like I, I didn't want to surrender to the fact that like I could put no mind or mood-altering substance in my body. [22:20.6 – 22:24.7] I just wanted to find what didn't take me back to heroin, right? [22:24.7 – 22:32.1] So from two thousand four to two thousand fourteen, I spent that ten years trying to figure that out, right? [22:32.1 – 22:34.2] Trying to prove myself an exception to the rule. [22:34.2 – 22:42.3] Sitting in these rooms, getting my sheet signed, listening to some dude talk up front, thinking he was full of shit, checking my watch, ready to go, call that chick I was… [22:42.3 – 22:43.1] Whatever, you know? [22:43.1 – 22:49.3] I sit, I sat around here and I, I, I listened to a little bit of it and I spent ten years, right? [22:49.3 – 22:53.9] Multiple more arrests, you know, bouncing from house to house. [22:53.9 – 22:57.2] Uh, never really accumulated much of anything. [22:57.2 – 23:01.2] Um, you know, bank account pretty much consisted of, of drug money. [23:01.2 – 23:01.8] That was it. [23:01.8 – 23:10.0] You know, I was at the point where, uh, instead I knew that, that on average I liked to spend about a hundred dollars a day on dope. [23:10.0 – 23:17.4] Um, and I would look at my bank account and I would not– You cannot ask me like how much money do you have. [23:17.4 – 23:19.8] It's like, “Dude, I got eighteen days.” You know? [23:19.8 – 23:21.6] Like that's how I looked at it. [23:21.6 – 23:29.6] It was like from this moment forward, if I don't bring in any more money, I got eighteen days and shit's gonna get real, you know? [23:29.6 – 23:37.5] Um, I was, I was sitting there in two thousand four– two thousand thirteen. [23:37.5 – 23:39.7] November of two thousand thirteen. [23:39.7 – 23:44.2] I was, I, I was starting to get beat into submission. [23:44.2 – 23:49.1] Uh, I, I was being blessed with the gift of desperation, you know? [23:49.1 – 23:56.3] I was, uh, I was, as they, they talk about it on page fifty-two, these are the bedevilments, if anybody's ever heard this. [23:56.3 – 23:58.5] It says, “We were having trouble with personal relationships. [23:58.5 – 24:00.1] We couldn't control our emotional natures. [24:00.1 – 24:02.2] We are prey to misery and depression. [24:02.2 – 24:03.0] We couldn't make a living. [24:03.0 – 24:09.6] We had a feeling of uselessness, full of fear, unhappy, and we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people.” Right? [24:09.6 – 24:11.7] I was just at that point, man. [24:11.7 – 24:15.1] It, it was, it was like I'd spent ten years trying to do it. [24:15.1 – 24:19.2] I was living in the, the spare bedroom at my buddy's house. [24:19.2 – 24:29.3] Um, I had a backpack with like enough Suboxone, Subutex, Clonidine, Xanax, [24:29.3 – 24:29.9] some weed. [24:29.9 – 24:33.4] Like I was gonna detox myself, right? [24:33.4 – 24:43.5] And I had everything to do it, but I had been in that process for like the last six months and like every day I woke up and it was like, “Hey, today's the day.” Like it wasn't the day, [24:43.5 – 24:43.8] you know? [24:43.8 – 24:53.8] Um, I couldn't, I couldn't put together a twenty-four-hour period even though I had all these things that like somebody not like me could have utilized those things and made a pretty smooth [24:53.8 – 24:59.7] transition off of what they were doing and, and if they weren't like me, they probably coulda got on their way, right? [24:59.7 – 25:03.0] Uh, but I found myself in a position where I couldn't, right? [25:03.0 – 25:05.6] I was, I was miserable. [25:05.6 – 25:08.1] Um, I– nobody trusted me. [25:08.1 – 25:10.2] My relationship with my family was horrible. [25:10.2 – 25:16.4] Um, I, I ran through every personal relationship I had like a tornado in a trailer park. [25:16.4 – 25:20.3] Everything was based on, you know, what, what can I get you? [25:20.3 – 25:21.5] What do you need from me? [25:21.5 – 25:23.6] Or what can I get from you, right? [25:23.6 – 25:28.5] Um, you know, there was a few real friends that had stuck by me. [25:28.5 – 25:32.3] By this time, uh, people had started to die. [25:32.3 – 25:42.6] You know, two or three of my really close friends had, had already fallen out, um, a-and, and not, uh, um, Narcan [25:42.6 – 25:45.1] was, was not around at that point, point in time. [25:45.1 – 25:49.3] So it was, it was like the, the walls were closing in a little bit, right? [25:49.3 – 25:50.2] People were dying. [25:50.2 – 25:52.1] People were getting sent to prison. [25:52.1 – 25:54.6] I was well on my way to one of those. [25:54.6 – 25:56.4] Um, I was miserable. [25:56.4 – 26:01.2] You know, I can remember praying, like when I was high at night, I can remember getting [26:01.3 – 26:08.3] And down on my knees just being so empty, so broken, so, so just devoid of anything spiritual. [26:08.3 – 26:14.2] Any, any con- any feeling of, of a person inside my body was just not there, right? [26:14.2 – 26:18.2] I can remember like begging God like, “Please, I need a way out.” Like, “I need a way out. [26:18.2 – 26:20.3] I gotta, I, I gotta change this,” you know? [26:20.3 – 26:22.6] Uh, when I was high, that's how I felt. [26:22.6 – 26:25.3] It was like, “Dude, I gotta get sober.” Like, “I gotta fucking… [26:25.3 – 26:34.5] Like something bad's gonna happen.” But then the moment I would wake up and open my eyes that next morning and I would feel a little bit of sober, all I wanted to do was get high. [26:34.5 – 26:34.9] Mm. [26:34.9 – 26:35.4] You know? [26:35.4 – 26:36.9] So I was never ever content. [26:36.9 – 26:40.5] Like the night before I wanna be sober so I wake up sober, and that's not what I want either. [26:40.5 – 26:43.1] I wanna get high 'cause I hate myself, you know? [26:43.1 – 26:51.8] Um, I was at that point where the book talks about it where you, you can't see your– you can't imagine your life with or without, right? [26:51.8 – 26:54.1] Like I, I, I just, I can't imagine either. [26:54.1 – 26:55.9] They call it the jumping off point. [26:55.9 – 27:06.4] Um, for me it was, um, I had to exhaust every one of those possibilities and I had to really get to a point where, um, [27:06.4 – 27:08.0] self had failed me, right? [27:08.0 – 27:08.9] In a big way. [27:08.9 – 27:11.6] Like there, I was a pretty intelligent dude. [27:11.6 – 27:13.1] I was pretty fucking crafty. [27:13.1 – 27:18.0] I could make a lot of things happen, but I could not figure this out, man. [27:18.0 – 27:20.6] I could not figure out that magical combination. [27:20.6 – 27:30.7] Anything I put in my body, whether it was three days, three months, I was right back to a needle in my arm and physically addicted within, you know, a [27:30.7 – 27:31.4] split second. [27:31.4 – 27:34.5] It was like, “Man, I just can't, I can't figure it out,” right? [27:34.5 – 27:43.2] Uh, so in November of 2013, I checked myself into a, a crisis stabilization unit down in Lawrenceville. [27:43.2 – 27:46.4] It was one of those free, I didn't have health insurance, it was one of those free detoxes. [27:46.4 – 27:49.7] Um, you had to be in active withdrawal to get into it. [27:49.7 – 27:53.3] Uh, I'd sat down there for like three days, no, no bed. [27:53.3 – 27:59.1] You have to get there early in the morning, you have to sit there, fill out your application, and just wait and hope to get a bed. [27:59.1 – 28:02.1] Uh, so I'd sat down there for like three days in a row. [28:02.1 – 28:04.7] Uh, you know, the first day I went down there thinking I was gonna get in. [28:04.7 – 28:05.3] I didn't get in. [28:05.3 – 28:14.4] I didn't have anything in the car to, to satiate the, the, uh, illness that I was feeling and, and the next five or six hours sucked trying to figure that out. [28:14.4 – 28:17.2] So this particular day I had a backup plan in the car. [28:17.2 – 28:20.1] Um, they ended up taking me in. [28:20.1 – 28:30.8] One of those deals where they were like, “Come on, we got a bed.” You know, I went in there, spent four or five days and, uh, knew what I had in my car and, you know, told on myself [28:30.8 – 28:31.3] in there. [28:31.3 – 28:34.6] Why they didn't like walk out to my car with me and get it, I don't know. [28:34.6 – 28:37.6] But they were just like, “We're gonna take this guy at his word. [28:37.6 – 28:41.5] Like he says he's gonna go dump that methadone wafer out, and we believe him. [28:41.5 – 28:42.8] Did you hear him? [28:42.8 – 28:48.6] I believe him.” Um, I got out- Don't believe me. [28:48.6 – 28:56.7] I got out to my car, guys, and I, I, I poured water on it, you know, with the intention of like, “Well, that's how I can get rid of it,” you know? [28:56.7 – 28:58.3] I dissolve it and then I'll dump it out. [28:58.3 – 28:58.6] Mm-hmm. [28:58.6 – 29:05.3] But it was like somewhere between like the dissolving it and dumping it out it made it down my throat and it was like literally like 10 minutes out of detox. [29:05.3 – 29:12.9] And I'm, I, I, I promise y'all when I looked those counselors in the eyes and when I told them like, “I, this is in my car and I'm not gonna do it. [29:12.9 – 29:14.9] Like I am not doing this shit anymore. [29:14.9 – 29:16.6] I'm gonna do XYZ. [29:16.6 – 29:17.6] I'm gonna stay sober. [29:17.6 – 29:18.7] Gotta…” I meant that shit. [29:18.7 – 29:19.4] Yeah. [29:19.4 – 29:20.5] I meant it, right? [29:20.5 – 29:24.9] With everything in my being I did not want that anymore. [29:24.9 – 29:30.4] Yet I went and sat down in this vehicle and it was like, it was like it wasn't even me there, you know? [29:30.4 – 29:33.4] There were times– That's, that's one situation where it was like that. [29:33.4 – 29:34.1] It wasn't even me. [29:34.1 – 29:39.0] It was like I, I, I dumped it in there and it was like, “Don't fucking do it,” you know? [29:39.0 – 29:43.0] Like, you know, like that internal battle and it made it straight down my throat. [29:43.0 – 29:53.0] Like I can remember times, guys, getting out of detox, getting out of rehabs where like I would find myself in my vehicle like you pull the [29:53.0 – 30:01.0] dope man's up on– dope man's number up on the phone but like you tell yourself like, “Hey, I don't need to do that.” But while you're having that conversation somehow your phone, your, your thumb in- … [30:01.0 – 30:05.1] magically hits that green button and you're like, “Oh shit.” Like I'm calling him anyways, you know? [30:05.1 – 30:12.3] And, and next thing you know like I'm driving downtown and I can, I can remember having these conversations in my head where like my, my… [30:12.3 – 30:22.3] And I, and I don't know if it was the God consciousness in me, the, the spirit within me that was like, “Don't do this, don't do this, don't do this.” Uh, [30:22.3 – 30:26.2] but the, the me that was there couldn't stop it. [30:26.2 – 30:28.5] Like it was a, it was an out-of-body experience. [30:28.5 – 30:32.9] Like I was watching myself driving, telling myself in my head like, “Turn this fucking car around. [30:32.9 – 30:33.8] Turn this fucking car around. [30:33.8 – 30:37.3] Turn it around, turn it around, turn it around.” And I couldn't do it, right? [30:37.3 – 30:39.9] Like I had zero, zero control. [30:39.9 – 30:42.1] I did not have a choice in the matter, right? [30:42.1 – 30:49.3] No choice in the matter, and I could not make myself detox outside of a locked facility. [30:49.3 – 30:51.2] Like I just can't do it, right? [30:51.2 – 30:54.2] And so, uh, so I got out of there. [30:54.2 – 30:54.8] I did that. [30:54.8 – 31:01.0] I dumped the methadone down my throat and I spent about the next three months trying to figure out what in the hell I was gonna do, you know? [31:01.0 – 31:03.0] Bouncing off the bottom, dude. [31:03.0 – 31:05.5] Just, just skimming right off the bottom. [31:05.5 – 31:06.9] Life was horrible. [31:06.9 – 31:11.4] Um, feeling like I wanted to die like every other day. [31:11.4 – 31:21.6] You know, I can remember thinking to myself like, “Man, if this is all I'm gonna be and I can't even succeed at this shit, like I might as well just be done with it and end it [31:21.6 – 31:28.8] so that the people I love can stop having to watch this train come off the tracks and they can start recovering from my death.” Right? [31:28.8 – 31:34.9] Because that in my eyes was easier than continuing to put all those people that I love through everything that I was putting them through. [31:34.9 – 31:43.9] Um, turn of events, I, I linked up with a girl that we're still really good friends with today through a friend of mine. [31:43.9 – 31:49.1] She had a sober living down in Sandy Springs, um, and I had to be sober to get in there. [31:49.1 – 31:56.5] So I, I, I played the little detox game and, and it's crazy but when you really wanna get in it's a lot harder than you think, right? [31:56.5 – 31:57.8] Yeah. [31:57.8 – 32:04.4] Um, and uh, I ended up going, going back to detox and got out and went straight to halfway Right? [32:04.4 – 32:11.7] Something in, in– I knew that, like, I cannot leave this accountability circle for one minute 'cause I'm fucking sick, right? [32:11.7 – 32:21.8] Doesn't matter what I wanna do, how much the resolve is in my heart that I'm not gonna do this, how many people love me, how many people care about me, how many people are rooting for me, you know, [32:21.8 – 32:23.3] how much potential I have. [32:23.3 – 32:26.4] None of that shit matters 'cause I lost the power of choice, right? [32:26.4 – 32:27.4] I didn't have a choice. [32:27.4 – 32:32.5] That was my delusion the whole 10 years I was fighting it, was that I actually had a choice in the matter, right? [32:32.5 – 32:41.7] Fact is, is if I had a choice, I definitely would still wouldn't have been there 10 years later, and I definitely wouldn't have been dumping methadone down my throat, walking out of detox. [32:41.7 – 32:44.0] Um, that's pretty insane, right? [32:44.0 – 32:47.5] And so, uh, I left that, I left that facility. [32:47.5 – 32:53.6] I, uh, I went down to a, a sober living and lived in an apartment with four other dudes. [32:53.6 – 33:01.5] Um, and, you know, just, just kind of em- tried to embrace the situation I was in to the best of my ability. [33:01.5 – 33:04.3] Um, I, I went back to my old job. [33:04.3 – 33:06.1] I started going to meetings all day, every day. [33:06.1 – 33:09.1] I, I had seen this program. [33:09.1 – 33:13.9] I'd been around it because I'd been forced to for so long that, like, you can't help it. [33:13.9 – 33:24.1] I mean, even if you're getting in– if you're in here, if you're getting your sheet signed, whatever, whatever the situation is, like, you will see just from being around it, people that come in and [33:24.1 – 33:30.8] grab onto it and, and really put their heart into it and allow something else into it, you'll see the change, right? [33:30.8 – 33:35.1] And you'll know, as much as you wanna buck it, like, they're onto something. [33:35.1 – 33:36.3] You know what I mean? [33:36.3 – 33:39.0] Uh, they're onto something. [33:39.0 – 33:41.1] So I, I took that, and I was… [33:41.1 – 33:47.6] You know, I've been through Bridges of Hope twice, and it's a 12-step program, so I've definitely had my exposure to the 12 steps. [33:47.6 – 33:48.6] I'd read. [33:48.6 – 33:51.0] I'd had the third step prayer memorized. [33:51.0 – 33:53.7] I, you know, I mean, I knew the book, right? [33:53.7 – 33:57.6] So I, uh, I had an accountabila-buddy. [33:57.6 – 33:59.0] Y'all got those up here? [33:59.0 – 34:01.2] Accountabila-buddies? [34:01.2 – 34:02.7] Remember the accountabila-buddy. [34:02.7 – 34:05.0] Mine was Andre, right? [34:05.0 – 34:15.5] So Andre, like the most quiet-spoken, socially awkward dude you could ever meet, and I'm like never met a stranger, [34:15.5 – 34:17.2] pretty intense. [34:17.2 – 34:20.2] If you're a quiet person, I'm a lot to deal with sometimes. [34:20.2 – 34:26.4] Um, and so Andre was my accountabila-buddy, and I was like, “Man, why? [34:26.4 – 34:27.1] I'm an addict. [34:27.1 – 34:35.3] Like, we're gonna do this right.” After like two weeks of calling him, I was like, “Look, man, you, you're gonna sponsor me.” And he was like, “Well, I don't know. [34:35.3 – 34:39.7] I don't know if I wanna sponsor you.” And he'd never sponsored anybody, you know? [34:39.7 – 34:45.0] And, but at that point, it was like I wasn't gonna just sit around and pump the brakes and wait for it to happen, right? [34:45.0 – 34:51.6] I was like, “I'm gonna go get it.” I told myself when I went into that halfway house that, and this was enough for me at the time. [34:51.6 – 34:58.1] I told myself, “Listen, I'm gonna go in here, and I'm gonna see what, what, what this is all about,” right? [34:58.1 – 35:02.3] “And I'm gonna see what this is all about, and I'm really gonna do it. [35:02.3 – 35:04.4] I'm gonna put my heart and soul into it. [35:04.4 – 35:05.6] When they say pray, I'm gonna pray. [35:05.6 – 35:06.8] When they say read, I'm gonna read. [35:06.8 – 35:08.4] When they say go to a meeting, I'm gonna go to a meeting. [35:08.4 – 35:13.8] When they say hold the door for somebody today, you know, get out of yourself, I'm gonna do it,” right? [35:13.8 – 35:18.6] “And if it doesn't work, then I know exactly where to go.” You know what I'm saying? [35:18.6 – 35:21.7] If the dope man ain't there, his cousin's on the same corner. [35:21.7 – 35:22.3] You know what I mean? [35:22.3 – 35:25.7] They, it's, it's gonna be there waiting for me, so what do I have to lose? [35:25.7 – 35:30.1] Um, so I, I told Andre he was my sponsor. [35:30.1 – 35:31.2] Notice I didn't ask him. [35:31.2 – 35:31.9] I just told him. [35:31.9 – 35:42.3] I told him he was my sponsor, and, uh, I think I worked through the 12 steps in about three months, and, and I, I feel like I did it with his sponsor [35:42.3 – 35:50.5] because most everything I had to ask him, he made a phone call and got back to me in about three minutes, and, uh, which was fine, right? [35:50.5 – 35:55.4] I mean, it didn't matter if I was getting it through his sponsor, through Andre, you know, from proxy or whatever. [35:55.4 – 35:57.5] But I can remember, right? [35:57.5 – 35:59.0] So I started using at 13. [35:59.0 – 36:00.2] I quit at 29. [36:00.2 – 36:01.4] So that's what? [36:01.4 – 36:04.7] Sixteen years of my life using, thirteen years of my life sober. [36:04.7 – 36:06.2] Shit is all I knew, dude. [36:06.2 – 36:07.7] It was my lifestyle. [36:07.7 – 36:09.2] It was who I was. [36:09.2 – 36:11.5] You know, I didn't, I didn't, hadn't done anything with my life. [36:11.5 – 36:13.2] I'd, I'd done just enough. [36:13.2 – 36:14.0] I got a GED. [36:14.0 – 36:20.3] I got a little associate's degree in, in a tech school, and, uh, never really held any jobs of any significance. [36:20.3 – 36:22.8] Uh, most jobs that I had were cash paying. [36:22.8 – 36:26.3] They paid at the end of the day, and they were lucky if I showed up the next day, you know? [36:26.3 – 36:37.1] Um, but I worked the steps with this guy, and, and I can remember being about, being about, oh, I don't know, probably [36:37.1 – 36:47.1] three or four months in, and we're sitting in the halfway house, and we're sitting around shooting the shit, and, uh, and we're, three or four of us are sitting there, and we're having that conversation of like, “Hey, man, when's the last [36:47.1 – 36:49.0] time you thought about getting high?” Right? [36:49.0 – 36:51.8] Not got high, but just thought about it, right? [36:51.8 – 37:01.9] So, uh, so we're sitting there, and I'm like trying to rack my brain, man, and, and I, dude, I've, in the last 16 years, there's not 24 hours that have gone by that I have not thought about getting high, [37:01.9 – 37:02.1] right? [37:02.1 – 37:09.7] And I, I can remember sitting there, and that was the first like aha moment where I really realized like some shit was working in my life. [37:09.7 – 37:11.6] I wasn't even through the steps at that point. [37:11.6 – 37:13.9] I was just actively participating in them. [37:13.9 – 37:15.5] I was going to meetings, and I was praying. [37:15.5 – 37:22.1] Um, and, and I can remember, you know, giving the answer of like, “I don't know, man. [37:22.1 – 37:24.4] I don't know.” I did not know the last time. [37:24.4 – 37:25.3] I couldn't quantify. [37:25.3 – 37:30.9] I couldn't put a date on it the last time that I had thought about, about getting high, which was a miracle, right? [37:30.9 – 37:38.0] That in itself, the fact that like that obsession for that period of time was not controlling my life. [37:38.0 – 37:48.0] Th-that feeling and that, that freedom and that peace that I felt in that moment was enough to, to launch pad me into, you know, hell, hell, I'm gonna double [37:48.0 – 37:48.8] down, right? [37:48.8 – 37:53.3] Um, I ended up transferring to a different sober living. [37:53.3 – 37:59.7] Uh, met one of the most awesome, pivotal ladies in my recovery to this point. [37:59.7 – 38:01.7] Um, her name is Charmin. [38:01.7 – 38:05.5] If you are ever at a meeting, there is not another woman around Atlanta named Charmin. [38:05.5 – 38:09.9] If you are ever at a meeting and you meet a woman named Charmin, you take five minutes of your time. [38:09.9 – 38:13.5] You go up, you shake her hand, you talk to her, you tell her, you tell her hi. [38:13.5 – 38:15.5] You know, she's just that kind of person. [38:15.5 – 38:16.3] You wanna know her. [38:16.3 – 38:17.2] You want her in your life. [38:17.2 – 38:19.6] Uh, she was, she was like a mother to me. [38:19.6 – 38:20.5] This place was great. [38:20.5 – 38:30.2] It was, uh, it was, uh, where I met my wife, um, where I solidified bonds with this guy sitting here in the front seat. [38:30.2 – 38:33.3] Um, I spent– I told myself when I went in, right? [38:33.3 – 38:35.2] I told myself I'm gonna do six months of this shit. [38:35.2 – 38:36.4] Now, you gotta remember, I'm a junkie. [38:36.4 – 38:42.3] They throw me in all kinds of places behind all kinds of bars, and I have never volunteered for anything for any period of time. [38:42.3 – 38:46.1] And I, I put myself into a halfway house and said I'm gonna do six months. [38:46.1 – 38:51.5] I did four at, at, um, the first place I was at, and then, then moved to Cornerstone. [38:51.5 – 38:53.9] Uh, I did another 10, right? [38:53.9 – 38:56.3] So I did 14 months total. [38:56.3 – 39:01.6] Uh, through that experience and working the steps and, and involving s- [39:01.9 – 39:07.3] Something greater in my life, um, I had started to develop a fellowship and a family. [39:07.3 – 39:15.0] Some people that like were like-minded, that were fighting the same fight, that, that we could share the same shit. [39:15.0 – 39:23.2] Uh, we were going through the same things most of the time when one of us was having a bad day, the other one was having a good, and, and we were able to be of service. [39:23.2 – 39:30.3] We, we talked about God, this, this concept that not many of us knew, knew much about at the time, but we were all seeking it. [39:30.3 – 39:39.8] Um, and, and we developed these, these friendships that, that still to this day are, are some of the most important friendships that I've got. [39:39.8 – 39:46.3] So, uh, at that point, we are 14 months into a halfway house. [39:46.3 – 39:52.0] Um, I, I met my wife, this beautiful lady sitting here in the front seat. [39:52.0 – 39:54.4] Um, I'm actively participating. [39:54.4 – 39:56.5] I'm a member of a home group, right? [39:56.5 – 40:06.5] I have at- fully worked the 12 steps, uh, the first time of Alcoholics Anonymous, and, uh, I had formed a relationship which is much different than it looks [40:06.5 – 40:10.7] today, but it was a relationship that I was seeking, uh, with a power greater than myself. [40:10.7 – 40:20.3] Uh, that is unfortunately, but fortunately, uh, one aspect of this deal that cannot be omitted, right? [40:20.3 – 40:30.8] And, and I tried for a lot of years to, uh, there's no steps on the wall in here, but I tried to work through those steps with the absence of God or any kind of relationship [40:30.8 – 40:31.4] with God. [40:31.4 – 40:37.3] You know, let's take some inventories, let's do some things, let's say some things, and, um, we'll get better, right? [40:37.3 – 40:43.5] Um, that, that one missing link that when they said pray, pray, you know. [40:43.5 – 40:45.4] Uh, at first I didn't feel it. [40:45.4 – 40:47.4] At first I didn't understand what I was doing. [40:47.4 – 40:49.2] It took time, right? [40:49.2 – 40:52.2] Just like any relationship does to cultivate, it took time. [40:52.2 – 40:58.0] Um, so, you know, before you know it, I got a year, right? [40:58.0 – 40:59.3] I got a fucking year. [40:59.3 – 41:04.6] And, and I'm not, I'm not struggling with do I wanna get high today? [41:04.6 – 41:05.8] Do I wanna get high tomorrow? [41:05.8 – 41:11.1] In fact, the, uh, the obsession was truly relieved exactly like the book talks about. [41:11.1 – 41:17.0] And when I'm telling you guys it was relieved, I mean, I do not fight with getting high. [41:17.0 – 41:19.3] It's never an option, right? [41:19.3 – 41:21.2] And I've been through a whole lot of shit, guys. [41:21.2 – 41:23.8] I told you at the beginning, I got, I got five years sober. [41:23.8 – 41:28.3] The last three years of my sobriety have truly kicked my ass, right? [41:28.3 – 41:35.3] Um, I have, I have ebbed and flowed in my recovery as far as my connection with God goes. [41:35.3 – 41:45.4] I've never picked up a drink or a drug, but I have definitely experienced, uh, how the quality of my life and what he provides and the level of peace, freedom, and [41:45.4 – 41:55.4] serenity that I get when I am actively in connection with and seeking a relationship with and, you know, waking up and telling something, somebody, Sky Chief, God, Buddha, [41:55.4 – 42:00.5] Allah, I don't care what it is you talk to, but bro, you gotta talk to something, um, that isn't you. [42:00.5 – 42:09.8] And, uh, get up and tell him thanks in the morning and please, you know, and, and ask him to use me to, to his, to do his work and to do his bidding. [42:09.8 – 42:19.9] Um, and, and I've managed to go through, you know, uh, uh, I've managed to transition from a junkie that nobody trusted, nobody wanted to be around, [42:19.9 – 42:22.8] nobody wanted to have anything to do with. [42:22.8 – 42:27.0] You know, watching me go down the road and, and fly off the rails was imminent. [42:27.0 – 42:27.8] It was coming. [42:27.8 – 42:28.4] It was there. [42:28.4 – 42:29.8] It had happened multiple times. [42:29.8 – 42:39.8] Um, to this person who worked at a halfway house, you know, was, was at this point, [42:39.8 – 42:43.4] you know, helping other men through the same process that I was going through. [42:43.4 – 42:45.8] Uh, had a relationship with God. [42:45.8 – 42:49.3] I was welcomed back into my parents' houses. [42:49.3 – 42:52.7] You know, I was starting, I was starting to see that… [42:52.7 – 42:53.8] And it took some time. [42:53.8 – 42:56.9] It wasn't like the year in everyone was like, “Here's the keys. [42:56.9 – 42:59.2] My wallet's gonna stay out on the table. [42:59.2 – 43:04.6] Come watch my house while we're out of town.” You know, it wasn't like it just all came back. [43:04.6 – 43:14.7] But over time, and, and not just seeing me stay sober, but if you come in these rooms and if you start to work this program, this beautiful thing's gonna happen where like before you [43:14.7 – 43:23.6] ever see a change in yourself happen, the people around you that know you and love you and that are closest to you are gonna start seeing something different, right? [43:23.6 – 43:25.3] They're gonna see something inside. [43:25.3 – 43:30.9] They're gonna see that, that spirit inside of you that was awakened, and they're gonna start really seeing it, you know. [43:30.9 – 43:35.1] And I remember people telling me that I've changed before I ever realized it myself, right? [43:35.1 – 43:39.1] Um, other than just not having the obsession to wanna drink and use. [43:39.1 – 43:49.3] But the person that I was being as a result of, of doing these steps and cleaning out and doing those inventories and removing all of that shit that stands in the way of, [43:49.3 – 43:52.6] of me in a relationship with something bigger than me. [43:52.6 – 44:02.8] Um, so I went from hopeless, wanting to die, you know, to a, a functioning member of [44:02.8 – 44:03.7] society. [44:03.7 – 44:14.5] Um, trusted in the community that I lived in to maintain some sort of order and standard, um, [44:14.5 – 44:18.1] to moving out shortly thereafter. [44:18.1 – 44:21.8] And, uh, you know, within a year or two, I had my son. [44:21.8 – 44:23.2] My wife and I were married. [44:23.2 – 44:26.1] Um, business was going good. [44:26.1 – 44:32.6] I was able to be, uh, not, not just a spectator in my life, but a participant, right? [44:32.6 – 44:34.7] I was able to be a son. [44:34.7 – 44:36.8] I was able to be a friend. [44:36.8 – 44:38.7] I was able to be a husband. [44:38.7 – 44:40.7] I was able to be a dad, an employee. [44:40.7 – 44:48.7] I was able to, to function in all the roles that were necessary because I did my best every day to allow something else to guide me through it, right? [44:48.7 – 44:53.8] Um, and so within a couple years, I, I've, I've got my son. [44:53.8 – 44:54.3] I'm married. [44:54.3 – 44:58.7] Um, uh, within a year later, we've got my daughter. [44:58.7 – 45:03.0] Um, some beautiful things happened over those couple years. [45:03.0 – 45:09.0] And then following those things and kind of on the tails of them, I lose, I lose some family. [45:09.0 – 45:12.0] You know, I lose some, uh, I lose my grandparents. [45:12.0 – 45:14.8] Uh, grandfather first, then my grandmother. [45:14.8 – 45:20.7] Uh, out of everybody in the family, I got honored with the opportunity to eulogize those people, right? [45:20.7 – 45:22.6] The matriarch and patriarch of my family. [45:22.6 – 45:24.8] People– I wear my grandfather around my neck, y'all. [45:24.8 – 45:26.5] Like, his ashes hang and sit around my neck. [45:26.5 – 45:28.9] I admired that man and looked up to him so much. [45:28.9 – 45:32.2] And, uh, and he got to see me get sober. [45:32.2 – 45:36.8] And, um, and I got to eulogize him. [45:36.8 – 45:41.4] You know, that one final thing that somebody's really gonna get up and say about you, right? [45:41.4 – 45:42.3] To me, it was huge. [45:42.3 – 45:53.5] It was like one of those, one of those other beautiful moments where I was like, “Holy shit.” You know, the, the blessings of this program, the fruits of this program, I never would've had this opportunity. [45:53.5 – 45:58.6] Uh, probably would've been asleep or eating my shirt in the bathroom, you know? [45:58.6 – 46:05.9] Um, and, uh, and my mom got real sick last year and, and I got to be there for her. [46:05.9 – 46:09.1] I got to take her back and forth to all her doctor's appointments. [46:09.1 – 46:14.5] Um, she ended up passing in December and, and it, it was rough. [46:14.5 – 46:15.2] I found her. [46:15.2 – 46:23.9] You know, I mean, it was one of those moments where, like, well, I hope I'm doing enough to this point because if there's a breaking point, like, this is one. [46:23.9 – 46:25.3] You know? [46:25.3 – 46:32.2] I'd had a lot of good excuses in, in my recovery that I could've brought you and said, “Hey, this is why I got high,” but never a good reason. [46:32.2 – 46:36.0] That was the first time I really felt like I might've had a legitimate reason. [46:36.0 – 46:43.8] Um, however, you know, within, within an hour and a half, my best friend, uh, one of my best friends was there with me. [46:43.8 – 46:46.5] My wife was back from– My wife got in the car. [46:46.5 – 46:48.4] She was back from Alabama in a couple hours. [46:48.4 – 46:51.0] You know, we dealt with the situation that we had to. [46:51.0 – 46:55.6] The, the days, weeks, months proceeding still, I mean, I, I, I still haven't dealt with it. [46:55.6 – 46:57.9] It's one of those things I just, I haven't dealt with it. [46:57.9 – 47:00.1] But I haven't wanted to… [47:00.1 – 47:02.1] I haven't ever wanted to get high. [47:02.1 – 47:06.1] I haven't ever sat there and honestly had to fight with like, “You know what? [47:06.1 – 47:11.4] I'm gonna go to work today, but I'm going to the trap first because this shit is too much.” Right? [47:11.4 – 47:17.5] And the third step tells us God provided exactly what we needed as long as we kept close to Him and performed His work well. [47:17.5 – 47:26.7] If I ever find myself restless, irritable, and discontent, I can look at exactly what action I'm putting into my life and my relationship with God, and I promise you they are gonna line up perfectly. [47:26.7 – 47:27.4] Right? [47:27.4 – 47:34.4] If I'm starting to get mad at everybody around me, situations suck, traffic's pissing me off, I just, I get into that funky head space. [47:34.4 – 47:39.5] I can look at how my relationship is with God, and I promise you they, they line up perfectly. [47:39.5 – 47:40.2] You know? [47:40.2 – 47:45.0] And then when my relationship's good with God, it doesn't matter what the situational stuff is going on in my life. [47:45.0 – 47:45.8] I have that peace. [47:45.8 – 47:46.7] I have that freedom. [47:46.7 – 47:50.4] Uh, and I owe all of that one hundred percent to these rooms. [47:50.4 – 47:58.7] HA wasn't a thing when I got sober, but I'm so glad that it is because so many heroin addicts will not walk into a room of Alcoholics Anonymous because they don't feel alcoholic. [47:58.7 – 48:00.3] I get it, right? [48:00.3 – 48:05.0] Power of identification is huge, but I owe it all to those 12 steps, right? [48:05.0 – 48:15.3] Um, i-if you're sitting in this room, guys, and, and you're wondering if you got it, if you don't got it, talk to me afterwards. [48:15.3 – 48:17.2] I can help you figure that out for yourself. [48:17.2 – 48:19.2] I can't tell you, right? [48:19.2 – 48:23.1] But I can promise you that if you do, the book doesn't lie. [48:23.1 – 48:23.9] It's all the same. [48:23.9 – 48:27.3] Jails, institutions, and death, those are your only options, right? [48:27.3 – 48:33.0] And I will prove– I have proved that, and if you guys continue and you got what I got, you'll show yourself too. [48:33.0 – 48:38.3] Um, this, this thing that seems so difficult is not, right? [48:38.3 – 48:39.3] It's super simple. [48:39.3 – 48:49.9] It's, it's a, it's an easy process, and it frees me up to be able to be a participant in my life, a son, a brother, a father, a friend, a husband, [48:49.9 – 48:50.4] a dad. [48:50.4 – 48:52.8] Everything that, that I've always wanted to be. [48:52.8 – 48:56.3] I, I can give, give back and I can make a difference in somebody's life. [48:56.3 – 48:57.3] And I was watching something. [48:57.3 – 49:07.4] It was actually church the other day that, that we were watching, and it has been studied and proven that the ultimate contentment, right, the ultimate pleasure, [49:07.4 – 49:14.5] the ultimate feeling of good that a human being can get is being of service to another person, place, thing, entity, whatever. [49:14.5 – 49:19.1] Uh, but that is ultimately, like, the one core thing that, that brings us happiness. [49:19.1 – 49:23.2] So having the opportunity to stand up here with you guys and share this has been an absolute honor. [49:23.2 – 49:33.2] Uh, I am gonna read one thing, and this is, uh, this is something that my sponsor had me read on my two years sober, [49:33.2 – 49:33.4] right? [49:33.4 – 49:36.3] He, uh, he challenged me. [49:36.3 – 49:41.2] He said, “Hey, man, I want you to go sit down today, this afternoon. [49:41.2 – 49:42.3] You know, you got two years. [49:42.3 – 49:43.7] Look back at the last two years. [49:43.7 – 49:45.3] Look at, look at what you've done. [49:45.3 – 49:46.4] Look at where you've come from. [49:46.4 – 49:50.2] I want you to flip it out and open the book to page 84.” Right? [49:50.2 – 49:54.9] 84 is the promises that, that most meetings read before every meeting. [49:54.9 – 49:56.6] Ninth step promises, right? [49:56.6 – 50:02.2] Further down the page, uh, right at the bottom, there's the tenth step promises. [50:02.2 – 50:03.1] Right? [50:03.1 – 50:06.5] Not many people read or, or give as much notice to those. [50:06.5 – 50:16.1] But, uh, he, he told me at that time, he said, “I challenge you to read both of these and tell me if you can, if you can fight back shedding a tear. [50:16.1 – 50:19.4] Look at your life, look at where you're at, look at where you've come from, look at what you've done. [50:19.4 – 50:26.0] Read these two, these two sets of promises and tell me if you don't get– if you don't feel something.” You know? [50:26.0 – 50:29.5] Uh, he said, “This is where the dope is at,” right? [50:29.5 – 50:30.5] And I could vibe with that. [50:30.5 – 50:31.6] I got what he was saying. [50:31.6 – 50:36.6] He was like, “This is the dope of this whole thing.” Uh, so this is the tenth step promises. [50:36.6 – 50:38.9] It's on page 84 right at the bottom. [50:38.9 – 50:42.9] It says, “And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol, heroin. [50:42.9 – 50:45.8] For by this time, sanity will have returned. [50:45.8 – 50:49.0] We will seldom be interested in liquor, heroin. [50:49.0 – 50:51.8] If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. [50:51.8 – 50:55.9] We react sanely and normally, and we find that this has happened automatically. [50:55.9 – 51:00.1] We see that our new attitude towards dope has been given to us without any thought or effort on our part. [51:00.1 – 51:00.9] It just comes. [51:00.9 – 51:02.3] That's the miracle of it. [51:02.3 – 51:05.2] We're not fighting, neither are we avoiding temptation. [51:05.2 – 51:10.0] We feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. [51:10.0 – 51:12.2] We have not sworn it off. [51:12.2 – 51:16.4] Instead, the problem has been removed.” Right? [51:16.4 – 51:17.5] Don't fight with it. [51:17.5 – 51:18.7] It's not there anymore. [51:18.7 – 51:21.1] Uh, “It does not exist for us. [51:21.1 – 51:22.8] We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. [51:22.8 – 51:31.3] That is our experience and this is how we react with the caveat, so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.” Right? [51:31.3 – 51:33.8] Uh, I, I read that. [51:33.8 – 51:36.5] Um, I felt that. [51:36.5 – 51:38.1] I had experienced that. [51:38.1 – 51:39.4] And it did. [51:39.4 – 51:41.9] It, it, it sparked something in me, you know? [51:41.9 – 51:43.8] It, it made me feel a certain way. [51:43.8 – 51:50.5] Um, that's a, an exact outline of what this program has given me, and it continues to on a daily basis. [51:50.5 – 52:00.2] I know I ran a little bit over, but I, I really appreciate you guys giving me the opportunity to come up here and share this story with you guys and, uh, that's it.