Transcript

[00:01.4 – 00:02.1] Hey guys, I'm Morgan. [00:02.1 – 00:03.1] I'm a heroin addict. [00:03.1 – 00:03.9] Hey Morgan. [00:03.9 – 00:08.3] Um, Lisa. [00:08.3 – 00:08.9] Okay. [00:08.9 – 00:19.3] Um, I believe that God places people in your life, um, you know, for a reason, and at, at the exact [00:19.3 – 00:21.9] time, and I think that that's what God did for me with Lisa. [00:21.9 – 00:25.8] Um, 'cause when I met her I was really miserable. [00:25.8 – 00:33.5] I really think that, like, at that point I've really, I really would've gotten high or done something super self-destructive, um, if she n- hadn't come into my life. [00:33.5 – 00:42.8] But, um, she's a good example of, um, if she can get sober anyone can get sober. [00:42.8 – 00:52.9] Um, 'cause from what I understand she was a really bad junkie, and, um, and, uh, see, I met her, like, four years ago, I think, [00:52.9 – 00:57.6] and it's, um, it's been great to see how her life has progressed from when I met her. [00:57.6 – 01:00.2] Um, 'cause it's completely different now. [01:00.2 – 01:04.1] Um, but I love her story, and I'm really excited to hear it. [01:04.1 – 01:04.4] So… [01:04.4 – 01:07.9] Thanks Morgan. [01:07.9 – 01:13.8] I'm Lisa Lansford, and I am an addict. [01:13.8 – 01:14.8] Hey Lisa. [01:14.8 – 01:19.7] I'm excited because I, uh, my home group is an Alcoholics Anonymous, it's Fifth Tradition Group. [01:19.7 – 01:20.5] It's in Atlanta. [01:20.5 – 01:22.5] Meets on Thursdays and Saturdays. [01:22.5 – 01:26.8] But I'm excited because I don't ever get to cuss at the podium, and I'm like all excited. [01:26.8 – 01:29.7] And I can talk about heroin, and I always have to talk about alcohol. [01:29.7 – 01:36.0] And while alcohol is a part of my story, heroin is my drug of choice, and it's what brought me to my knees. [01:36.0 – 01:40.6] So I'm kind of excited, so y'all bear with me if I get to cussing a little bit. [01:40.6 – 01:47.6] Um, I never know what's gonna come out of my mouth when I tell my story, and I appreciate Morgan asking me. [01:47.6 – 01:52.1] Um, we do have a special relationship, a special connection. [01:52.1 – 01:59.2] When I met her I was sober, but, um, was in a really bad place, a really dark place. [01:59.2 – 02:01.0] It was almost five years ago, actually. [02:01.0 – 02:01.5] Can you believe? [02:01.5 – 02:08.0] Um, and I had gotten on some Suboxone, because I thought that was a good plan. [02:08.0 – 02:14.7] Um, and it is for some people, but for me, I tried to come off of it, and let me tell you something, it's hard. [02:14.7 – 02:17.4] It was really, really hard, and I was in a dark place. [02:17.4 – 02:21.6] And, um, wasn't going to meetings, didn't have a program. [02:21.6 – 02:24.2] Just was about to do something serious. [02:24.2 – 02:26.2] And we were kind of miserable together. [02:26.2 – 02:28.4] And we pulled each other out of that. [02:28.4 – 02:29.1] We really did. [02:29.1 – 02:33.0] We kind of challenged each other to do what we needed to do to stay sober. [02:33.0 – 02:39.2] I don't know really the terminology that much in HA, if y'all say clean or whatever, so just bear with me. [02:39.2 – 02:40.2] I'm gonna say sober. [02:40.2 – 02:41.4] I might say drinking. [02:41.4 – 02:44.9] But for me, alcoholism is the disease. [02:44.9 – 02:47.6] It is an illness the same as addiction. [02:47.6 – 02:49.0] It is all the same thing. [02:49.0 – 02:51.1] That's why I identify myself as an addict. [02:51.1 – 02:53.4] I will get addicted to whatever you have. [02:53.4 – 02:58.4] If we were locked in this room, and there was just, you know, meth, I'd do meth even though I don't really like meth. [02:58.4 – 03:00.8] But I would, if that was all there was. [03:00.8 – 03:05.4] So just to qualify that, you know, when I'm talking about alcoholism, I'm talking about all of it. [03:05.4 – 03:06.5] It's all-encompassing. [03:06.5 – 03:08.4] Okay. [03:08.4 – 03:11.6] So, oh, and congratulations to the dude that picked up 60 days. [03:11.6 – 03:14.7] Let me tell you something, man, that's a big deal. [03:14.7 – 03:17.8] When you're off heroin for 60 days, it is, there's hope. [03:17.8 – 03:18.1] You know? [03:18.1 – 03:24.2] I remember praying when I was just in the grips, and just, “God, please let me get 30 days. [03:24.2 – 03:24.9] Just let me get 30. [03:24.9 – 03:30.4] I believe if I can get 30 days, that I can, I can stay sober.” And I just couldn't do it. [03:30.4 – 03:32.1] So congratulations. [03:32.1 – 03:32.7] It's a big deal. [03:32.7 – 03:33.7] Keep going. [03:33.7 – 03:38.5] Um, so my story, I was born and raised in Atlanta. [03:38.5 – 03:39.6] I'm old. [03:39.6 – 03:45.1] I'm not gonna say how old, but old enough that I've lived through the '80s, um, and had a good time. [03:45.1 – 03:46.9] Um, a little bit. [03:46.9 – 03:50.0] Um, so my story is really weird. [03:50.0 – 03:53.2] Like, my parents, my mother was a debutante. [03:53.2 – 03:56.8] She was a, you know, hoity-toity, old money kind of lady. [03:56.8 – 04:04.7] And then my daddy was, um, from just, I guess poor white trash is what you might call it, but he was a gangster-type dude. [04:04.7 – 04:10.0] He, at the end of the day you can call him whatever you want, a businessman that owns strip clubs, but he was a pimp and a drug dealer. [04:10.0 – 04:11.6] And that's what it boiled down to. [04:11.6 – 04:15.3] But we made it fancy and called it different names, and he made a lot of money. [04:15.3 – 04:21.8] But when my parents met, the story is, um, my mother was at Piedmont Hospital in the parking lot. [04:21.8 – 04:25.8] Her father was dying, and my daddy, um, was in the parking lot. [04:25.8 – 04:26.9] My mother's car wouldn't start. [04:26.9 – 04:28.0] It was freezing outside. [04:28.0 – 04:32.0] My daddy had on a trench coat and a hat, and he walked over to try to help her. [04:32.0 – 04:33.3] She starts screaming. [04:33.3 – 04:34.9] She thinks he's gonna rob her. [04:34.9 – 04:36.7] And, you know, he might have. [04:36.7 – 04:37.0] I don't know. [04:37.0 – 04:40.4] But, um, he was trying to help her, so that's how they kind of started off. [04:40.4 – 04:44.6] She thought, you know, he was a thug, which he was, and she was all freaked out by him. [04:44.6 – 04:46.3] They wound up getting married, and here I am. [04:46.3 – 04:53.4] So my childhood was kind of like the rules didn't apply to me on both sides. [04:53.4 – 04:57.3] Like, my mother, um, was trying to, to help us be proper. [04:57.3 – 05:03.1] “Say yes ma'am, no ma'am.” My dad was like, “Don't say, that's ignorant.” So it was always like, “Wait, which way do we go? [05:03.1 – 05:11.2] What do we say?” And my mother didn't want people to know that we had any money, and my dad wanted everybody to know that he made money, because he grew up with no money. [05:11.2 – 05:14.6] So we were also kind of confused in that way. [05:14.6 – 05:24.0] Um, I have a younger brother and a younger sister, and, um, I kind of, I'm the oldest, so I kind of, like, ran their little lives and told them what to do and how to do it. [05:24.0 – 05:25.1] I'm kind of bossy. [05:25.1 – 05:26.8] People know this about me that know me. [05:26.8 – 05:32.0] Um, so it was a little confusing, my life, but there was a lot of sex. [05:32.0 – 05:33.7] There was a lot of drugs going on. [05:33.7 – 05:36.5] My dad, like I said, was basically he was in the sex industry. [05:36.5 – 05:42.9] And, um, so there was a lot of that stuff going on, and it was a lot of hippies in and out, a lot of patchouli. [05:42.9 – 05:47.4] When I smell patchouli now, I'm just, it takes me back to, like, you know, my childhood. [05:47.4 – 05:49.1] A lot of violence in my house. [05:49.1 – 05:51.0] My dad was abusive. [05:51.0 – 05:52.3] Um, cheated. [05:52.3 – 05:54.3] Like, all, all the things that you can think of. [05:54.3 – 05:56.3] But the main thing is there was a lot of… [05:56.3 – 05:58.6] He was an, you know, he was an alcoholic. [05:58.6 – 05:59.4] He was an addict. [05:59.4 – 06:00.8] And he died of this disease. [06:00.8 – 06:08.1] Um, it was funny, when we were driving up here, um- I was like, the last time I saw my daddy, it was up here in a meeting. [06:08.1 – 06:13.4] He picked up his five-year chip, and six months later he was dead from this disease. [06:13.4 – 06:14.2] He relapsed. [06:14.2 – 06:16.5] And, um, it was somewhere, somewhere around here. [06:16.5 – 06:17.8] I drove up here and… [06:17.8 – 06:26.8] Um, anyway, my childhood was, uh, not easy to survive, but I'm f- I'm a pretty strong individual. [06:26.8 – 06:29.7] My aunt was a big part of my life. [06:29.7 – 06:34.6] Like, we didn't hang out with my mother's family because they disowned her when she married my dad, and I didn't really like them anyway. [06:34.6 – 06:37.8] You know, I liked the ones that were drunk and fun. [06:37.8 – 06:45.3] And, um, so we hung out, um, mainly with my dad's family, and his sister was only 10 years older than me, so we were close. [06:45.3 – 06:49.0] Um, all the way growing up I just idolized her and thought she was amazing. [06:49.0 – 06:51.9] Well, she was one of the worst junkies I've ever seen in my life. [06:51.9 – 06:54.9] Um, my whole life she was, um… [06:54.9 – 06:56.0] Dilaudid was her drug of choice. [06:56.0 – 07:06.0] She chased it all over the place and would steal everything from everybody, and I remember just being a young child hearing about, “She did it again,” you know, and watching [07:06.0 – 07:06.3] her. [07:06.3 – 07:07.8] And she would shoot up in front of me. [07:07.8 – 07:15.3] Um, you know, I was, I remember probably about eight years old, in the car, and she always took us kids with her one at a time to the dope man. [07:15.3 – 07:17.8] And I don't really know why, but I guess she didn't wanna be alone. [07:17.8 – 07:21.4] And, um, we would get there, and she would say, “Get in the floor,” you know. [07:21.4 – 07:22.0] “Get in the floor. [07:22.0 – 07:25.8] You can't, you know, they can't see that you're here.” And I'm a kid, I don't know what the hell's going on. [07:25.8 – 07:26.8] So I would. [07:26.8 – 07:29.7] And, um, she would… [07:29.7 – 07:31.1] I mean, I'd have knee socks back then. [07:31.1 – 07:34.9] She would get me to take my knee sock off, and she would tie off with it right in front of me and shoot up. [07:34.9 – 07:38.3] So I remember learning early, like, oh, this is not good. [07:38.3 – 07:43.3] And then she would commence to try to drive, which didn't work out. [07:43.3 – 07:47.0] So when I was about 11, she told me how to drive. [07:47.0 – 07:50.0] That's how I learned how to drive, on 75. [07:50.0 – 07:52.3] She was like, you know, “You can pull the seat up. [07:52.3 – 08:02.4] You gotta drive.” And she would just say, “Go,” you know, just, “You can do it.” And I remember being like, “Okay.” And then I would be going too slow, or I would hit a bump, and she would say, “Man, you're [08:02.4 – 08:03.8] fucking up my high, man. [08:03.8 – 08:10.0] You're fucking up my high.” I'm like, “Okay.” “So you we're gonna have to turn around and go back.” That's what she would say every time. [08:10.0 – 08:12.9] So we'd get almost home, and I would fuck up her high, and then we'd turn around and go back. [08:12.9 – 08:16.6] So I was entrenched in that lifestyle early. [08:16.6 – 08:19.9] And I c- I said, of course, “I'm never gonna… [08:19.9 – 08:21.2] I will never do that. [08:21.2 – 08:22.4] I will never do drugs. [08:22.4 – 08:24.1] I will definitely never do a needle. [08:24.1 – 08:28.8] Like, that is just terrible.” And I meant it, you know, at the time. [08:28.8 – 08:35.1] Um, so she was a big part of my life, um, growing up. [08:35.1 – 08:36.3] I watched her. [08:36.3 – 08:41.0] She was a, one of the best con artists I've ever seen, and I learned a lot from her. [08:41.0 – 08:42.2] So was my daddy. [08:42.2 – 08:45.5] But it's almost like it's in my DNA to be a criminal. [08:45.5 – 08:55.1] And, um, she could hustle anybody out of money, and I remember just watching her just come up with these stories to random people, and they'd just give her money. [08:55.1 – 08:57.3] And I'd be like, “Damn, that's clever,” you know? [08:57.3 – 09:06.7] “That's incredible.” Somewhere, I took all that in and, and put it in there, 'cause I used it later, and it came in handy not long after. [09:06.7 – 09:10.6] Um, so she was in and out of my life, but I remember my dad was older than her. [09:10.6 – 09:13.6] He's maybe, like, I think he was maybe 11 years older than her. [09:13.6 – 09:15.2] So it was his little sister. [09:15.2 – 09:23.0] And even though he was a drug dealer, and on drugs, but not those kind, um, he called her, you know, a piece of shit, a junkie. [09:23.0 – 09:24.0] “Stay away from her. [09:24.0 – 09:25.2] Y'all don't be around her. [09:25.2 – 09:27.5] She's bad news.” All of that. [09:27.5 – 09:31.2] Um, so there was a lot of, you know, shit going on. [09:31.2 – 09:33.9] Um, so let's see. [09:33.9 – 09:36.3] In high school, like, all through school, I was just… [09:36.3 – 09:37.2] I got in trouble, man. [09:37.2 – 09:38.7] Um, a lot. [09:38.7 – 09:39.9] I, the, the thing that saved- [09:40.0 – 09:41.5] saved me is my grades were good. [09:41.5 – 09:42.2] I was smart. [09:42.2 – 09:42.7] I was … [09:42.7 – 09:44.6] I did everything I was supposed to do as far as grades. [09:44.6 – 09:48.0] I didn't really have to try that hard, but I sure got in a lot of trouble. [09:48.0 – 09:58.2] Um, all the way through school there was like, in elementary and middle, my parents got, um, separated and divorced when I was in elementary school, and we moved [09:58.2 – 10:01.6] and moved and moved and moved and moved and, you know, just all of that. [10:01.6 – 10:07.2] So we came back to Atlanta, and I went to a, a private high school. [10:07.2 – 10:12.9] And, um, I got kicked out, of course, and, um, they sent me to… [10:12.9 – 10:15.8] And I'm gay, by the way, so you know, they sent me to an all-girls boarding school. [10:15.8 – 10:18.6] So I was like, “Hell, yeah.” You know, I was like 15. [10:18.6 – 10:19.9] Like, I'm gone now. [10:19.9 – 10:25.7] Well, I got kicked out of there, and somehow they, my dad paid my way back into this school. [10:25.7 – 10:30.1] Um, uh, the way that I got kicked out is I, um, stole the dean's car. [10:30.1 – 10:33.6] And, you know, it seemed like a good idea at the time. [10:33.6 – 10:36.7] Went and got drunk, and, um, wrecked the car on the way back. [10:36.7 – 10:40.1] That was one of the first times I think I really ever drank. [10:40.1 – 10:43.2] I was maybe 14. [10:43.2 – 10:49.6] And, um, I think I maybe had, had some Boone's Farm, you know, like people do back in the day, but nothing significant. [10:49.6 – 10:55.3] But this time, I stole the car in the middle of the day at school, got drunk, wrecked the car, two other girls in there with me. [10:55.3 – 11:03.9] And they, you know, we get back up to the school, and they call my daddy, which I'm just like, “Oh my God.” Um, he was a, a, a, you know, an ominous presence. [11:03.9 – 11:08.9] My dad's probably the only person I've ever been afraid of, and he was a big dude with a loud voice. [11:08.9 – 11:19.0] And they're like, “We've called your dad.” And I'm like, “Shit.” So he comes up there, and um, they s- we're all sitting in there with the principal, and the principal's like, “Why, why did you steal the car?” [11:19.0 – 11:24.4] And I said, “I mean, the keys were in it.” And I saw my dad saying he thought that was kinda funny. [11:24.4 – 11:29.4] So I was like, “Oh, I'm not in trouble.” You know, he, he sort of was like, “Well, that makes sense to me.” So I really didn't get in that much trouble. [11:29.4 – 11:37.7] So throughout high school, I was supposed to be the valedictorian of my class, but they would not let me because of my behavior. [11:37.7 – 11:39.6] My grades were better than the other person's. [11:39.6 – 11:45.8] So I boycotted my graduation, literally with signs, so they called the police at the graduation. [11:45.8 – 11:47.1] So I made a scene. [11:47.1 – 11:49.0] I had no problem making a scene at any time. [11:49.0 – 11:51.9] Just, I burned some books in the front of the hall. [11:51.9 – 11:55.5] Just cra- you know, just o- off the chain, like out there. [11:55.5 – 11:57.7] This is when, most of y'all don't know about Quaaludes. [11:57.7 – 11:58.6] Maybe a couple of y'all do. [11:58.6 – 12:03.0] But Quaaludes were the shit back in the day, and, uh I don't know why they got rid of them. [12:03.0 – 12:04.5] Probably we'd all be dead. [12:04.5 – 12:06.5] They were, man. [12:06.5 – 12:07.4] They were the shit. [12:07.4 – 12:10.7] And, um, it was a good thing that they did, 'cause I really liked them. [12:10.7 – 12:11.1] But I … [12:11.1 – 12:14.6] You'd get on those, I'd get on this, man, and I would just be Superwoman. [12:14.6 – 12:16.0] Like anything, let's do it. [12:16.0 – 12:16.6] Let's go. [12:16.6 – 12:19.2] And I was already a train with no brakes. [12:19.2 – 12:21.0] So you add that, and it's just on. [12:21.0 – 12:22.4] So I liked that. [12:22.4 – 12:25.3] I mean, I, I started out doing everything, every kind of drug. [12:25.3 – 12:28.2] But the Quaalude started, and I did speed. [12:28.2 – 12:29.9] I did cocaine when it was good. [12:29.9 – 12:30.7] I'm gonna be honest with y'all. [12:30.7 – 12:35.2] In the '80s, cocaine was cocaine, and it's, wasn't stepped on a bunch of times. [12:35.2 – 12:38.6] And you love everybody, and it'd be so beautiful. [12:38.6 – 12:39.5] I mean, everything. [12:39.5 – 12:48.5] Um, and I liked it at, at that time because it wasn't all geeky tweaky like you get now and think the cops are on the roof and in the basement and everything. [12:48.5 – 12:50.3] So yeah. [12:50.3 – 12:54.1] So but my, my drug, um, is obviously heroin. [12:54.1 – 12:57.9] So, um, I kept going, and I was doing, you know, downers back then. [12:57.9 – 12:59.5] There were a lot of different kinds of drugs. [12:59.5 – 13:02.7] And of course, I was never gonna use a needle ever, ever. [13:02.7 – 13:08.8] And, um, shortly thereafter, I continued to get in trouble quite a bit. [13:08.8 – 13:13.7] Uh, somewhere along the line, I crossed over into breaking the law. [13:13.7 – 13:18.9] And it wasn't a far step, 'cause I mean, my whole family did it, and you know, rules don't apply. [13:18.9 – 13:27.7] And my friends were all working, and I was pretty strung out on pills at this point, different, you know, medications and shit that we could get. [13:27.7 – 13:29.9] I never was a big weed smoker. [13:29.9 – 13:31.9] Like I would smoke it, but I'd be so stupid. [13:31.9 – 13:35.0] I couldn't figure out how to get out of the house, and I could just try to eat. [13:35.0 – 13:35.8] And that was it. [13:35.8 – 13:38.9] I mean, be some food and anything. [13:38.9 – 13:40.7] And so I c- I couldn't get that together. [13:40.7 – 13:48.2] So, um, I started getting kind of more entrenched into the way of life that was, that was drugs. [13:48.2 – 13:53.7] And in order to support my habit, I needed to, um, commit some crimes. [13:53.7 – 13:58.3] And I would come up with these schemes, man, and I don't know where they came from. [13:58.3 – 13:59.5] They were in here. [13:59.5 – 14:05.4] Like it wasn't like I said, “Let me sit down and make a plan.” It would just be like, “Let's do this.” So I would do th- I had this one scam. [14:05.4 – 14:07.9] And it's crazy when I think about it now, but there was no internet. [14:07.9 – 14:08.8] There was no Google. [14:08.8 – 14:11.0] There was no way to check stuff back then. [14:11.0 – 14:12.2] So there was no Walmart. [14:12.2 – 14:14.8] There was like Kmart and liquor stores and all that. [14:14.8 – 14:17.0] So I'd write bad checks and do all that. [14:17.0 – 14:23.4] But I would go into Kmart, and I found a certain product that was, that was $189. [14:23.4 – 14:25.3] It was a typewriter, electric typewriter. [14:25.3 – 14:26.2] There were no computers. [14:26.2 – 14:28.8] And, um, not that I knew of anyway. [14:28.8 – 14:31.5] And I, um, said, “Well, that's $189. [14:31.5 – 14:37.0] I'm about to, I'm about to work this out.” So I would go, I got all the brand name of all of it, and I called up there. [14:37.0 – 14:44.5] And I said, “Hey, man, I bought,” you know, “my husband,” I was 18 at the time, “a, um,” you know, whatever, “EP Brother 43 typewriter. [14:44.5 – 14:46.6] It was $189.” And I would get indignant. [14:46.6 – 14:50.2] And I would be like, “I brought it back up there, and I left it with the service desk. [14:50.2 – 14:51.8] And I haven't heard anything about it. [14:51.8 – 14:54.6] Nobody has called me and told me that it's there or anything. [14:54.6 – 15:04.7] I want my money, or I want the typewriter.” And they would be like, “Uh, uh, uh, uh.” And I'd be like, “I'm coming up there.” I'd get all dressed up, looking all fancy like a junkie, you know, dress up like a damn Prius [15:04.7 – 15:14.7] with a bow on it, and going up there looking like- I would go in there and say, um, same spiel, “D- let me speak to the manager.” Just, [15:14.7 – 15:15.0] you know. [15:15.0 – 15:19.4] And I realized early on that you could intimidate people, and they would back down. [15:19.4 – 15:29.5] And so I'd say, “Man, either give me that typewriter, I'm going to the corporate,” you know, “or give me my money.” Man, they would count that money out to me, or they would give me a typewriter, which I would then take to another [15:29.5 – 15:30.6] Kmart and get my money back. [15:30.6 – 15:36.5] I mean, I would drive to Athens, Gaines, everywhere, all over the place, making to take these things back. [15:36.5 – 15:39.1] Now, my friends are working at these little jobs. [15:39.1 – 15:41.7] They're making like $104 a week. [15:41.7 – 15:45.7] And I'd be like, “This job's made $200 in one hour.” Like, I ain't working. [15:45.7 – 15:46.6] Fuck that. [15:46.6 – 15:47.6] I'm not getting a job. [15:47.6 – 15:52.2] So I mean, and I, and I would say it to him just like that. [15:52.2 – 15:53.5] Like, “I'm not getting a job. [15:53.5 – 16:03.6] I got easy money.” I remember my daddy saying to me, though, um, “Easy money, there is no easy money.” And I was just like, “Whatever.” Um, all the things that my daddy [16:03.6 – 16:05.9] said are true, by the way. [16:05.9 – 16:09.9] I've realized that he would say it, but he wouldn't do it, you know? [16:09.9 – 16:11.1] So I wasn't really listening. [16:11.1 – 16:13.8] But everything that he, he really talked about was true. [16:13.8 – 16:16.4] Um, so those little scams went on. [16:16.4 – 16:20.1] I w- I stole some rental cars, um, 'cause I had lost my car. [16:20.1 – 16:24.1] They took my car away from me, and, um, you know, I can't operate without a car. [16:24.1 – 16:28.2] Um, so I d- I mean, I did some crazy stuff, y'all. [16:28.2 – 16:28.8] Like, I would… [16:28.8 – 16:33.0] I stole a rental car face-to-face, like theft by deception. [16:33.0 – 16:39.1] Made up this story over the phone, “Hey, my uncle works at the airport.” Just, I don't know where it comes from, just craziness. [16:39.1 – 16:42.8] “My uncle works at the air force base, and, you know, I need to come get a car. [16:42.8 – 16:50.0] He knows Joe.” I'd call early and say, “Hey, um, what time do you get off work?” “4:00.” I'd roll up there about 5:00. [16:50.0 – 16:53.0] So I'm like, “My uncle knows Joe.” Pe- we didn't have cell phones back then. [16:53.0 – 16:55.3] You couldn't just be like, “Do you know this girl?” No. [16:55.3 – 16:58.5] So I had it all worked out where, um, they would… [16:58.5 – 17:01.8] Y'all, I had no driver's license, no credit card, and no money. [17:01.8 – 17:03.4] And I would drive off with a car. [17:03.4 – 17:04.8] Did it three times. [17:04.8 – 17:08.9] So one time I was on the way to a Rod Stewart concert. [17:08.9 – 17:10.2] It broke down, I left the car. [17:10.2 – 17:15.5] The another time, I felt like I needed to be a good person and return it back at night, and I did. [17:15.5 – 17:16.9] And then I did it to another. [17:16.9 – 17:18.0] I was doing it to different places. [17:18.0 – 17:21.1] So the last time I did it, got real fucked up. [17:21.1 – 17:22.9] I was on a bunch of pills. [17:22.9 – 17:26.1] I don't even know if they make these pills anymore, but Placidyls and Talwins. [17:26.1 – 17:30.0] I don't know if y'all know about those, but they were some good shit back then, too. [17:30.0 – 17:31.9] Um, they always get rid of the good pill. [17:31.9 – 17:34.6] The ones that really kill you, you know? [17:34.6 – 17:36.0] The ones that'll take you out. [17:36.0 – 17:39.2] Um, so I was real strung out. [17:39.2 – 17:48.7] I was 18 and, um, living in a dope dealer's house in a trailer park with stolen rental car, um, shooting Talwin. [17:48.7 – 17:51.3] And, uh, you know, I crossed that line with the needle. [17:51.3 – 17:57.6] Every time I drew a line in the sand, I would step over it, draw another one, step over it, until there were no more lines. [17:57.6 – 17:59.3] I was just off the cliff. [17:59.3 – 18:00.2] So I didn't care anymore. [18:00.2 – 18:02.0] And, you know, I really… [18:02.0 – 18:06.7] When I look back on how I was living, you know, it's really so foreign now. [18:06.7 – 18:12.4] But on my 18th birthday, um, there was a stabbing between, you know, some of my friends. [18:12.4 – 18:16.0] One stabbed the other one, and chased each other, and the police came. [18:16.0 – 18:23.1] And then we, uh, and then me and my other friend decided we were so upset that we needed to go to the emergency room and maybe they'd give us a shot, because it was so traumatic. [18:23.1 – 18:25.6] Just, you know, insanity, insanity. [18:25.6 – 18:30.9] Um, so this is the first time, um, I really was introduced to a 12-step program. [18:30.9 – 18:38.4] This couple that I was living with, the, the dude overdosed, um, on some cocaine and, um, wound up in a treatment center. [18:38.4 – 18:40.5] We, we didn't really know what that was back then. [18:40.5 – 18:42.9] This was, like, early '80s, '84. [18:42.9 – 18:48.9] And, um, so we went to visit him, and it's like, what are these people talking about? [18:48.9 – 18:50.3] They're just standing up there telling stories. [18:50.3 – 18:51.3] I don't know what's going on. [18:51.3 – 18:51.9] Like, whatever. [18:51.9 – 18:56.6] So when he got out, he came back and he was calling this man every night. [18:56.6 – 18:58.4] And we were like, “He's gay, man. [18:58.4 – 19:07.0] Like, he is talking to this sponsor all the time.” “And going to meet him, and, like, always talking about going with these dudes.” And, you know, it was just weird. [19:07.0 – 19:08.2] So we were convinced he was gay. [19:08.2 – 19:09.6] We didn't n- know what was happening with him. [19:09.6 – 19:16.9] Well, he c- he got sober, and he's been sober in NA for whatever that is, 1985, I think, is when… [19:16.9 – 19:17.7] No, 1984. [19:17.7 – 19:19.7] So however long that is, 35 years [19:19.9 – 19:20.1] Yeah. [19:20.1 – 19:21.9] He's, he's around. [19:21.9 – 19:22.2] He's … [19:22.2 – 19:23.7] I think he's around this area actually. [19:23.7 – 19:27.1] But anyway, um, he's the one that introduced me. [19:27.1 – 19:33.7] So when I stole that last car, I went to my mom's house, which I tried to avoid at all costs, 'cause I didn't wanna hear nothing she had to say. [19:33.7 – 19:38.7] And, um, I had parked my car behind her house, and it was in another city. [19:38.7 – 19:41.8] Like, I don't know how they tracked me down, but they did. [19:41.8 – 19:44.1] It was like 4:00 in the afternoon, of course I'm passed out. [19:44.1 – 19:47.1] I have track marks from here to here, just everywhere. [19:47.1 – 19:54.3] And you know, I'm lying to everybody like, “What are you talking about?” Like, “You can't see them.” Um, and, uh, the … [19:54.3 – 19:55.0] My mom comes to my room. [19:55.0 – 20:01.3] She's like, “The police are here.” And I was like, “Well, tell them I'm not here, man.” Like, she's like, “I already told them you're here.” Thank you. [20:01.3 – 20:02.3] So I put on… [20:02.3 – 20:03.0] It's like July. [20:03.0 – 20:08.6] I put on a jacket, you know, all the way down and go out, and it's this big dude from the car dealer from the rental car. [20:08.6 – 20:11.3] And I was like, “Oh, shit,” with the sheriff. [20:11.3 – 20:16.0] So in the town where my mother lived, in this little town, her uncle was the mayor. [20:16.0 – 20:17.4] Her first cousin was the sheriff. [20:17.4 – 20:18.2] They all knew me. [20:18.2 – 20:20.8] They had taken me to jail without arresting me so many times. [20:20.8 – 20:23.1] Just let me sleep, you know, in the jail. [20:23.1 – 20:24.1] Wake me up in the morning. [20:24.1 – 20:27.6] I'd wake up and be like, “What's for breakfast?” You know, like, they knew I was a mess. [20:27.6 – 20:30.3] So I was like, “Oh, he's here,” you know, whatever. [20:30.3 – 20:31.0] I'm not gonna get in trouble. [20:31.0 – 20:35.8] So he was like, “Yeah, you're going to jail.” And I was like, “What do you mean?” And they handcuffed me. [20:35.8 – 20:45.8] And I was like, “Well, this is new.” And put me in the car and said, “Okay, you, you gotta go to jail.” And so I thought, “Well, when we get down here, he's gonna, you know, back off.” And the guy was like, “No, I'm prosecuting you. [20:45.8 – 20:46.8] You've stole this car. [20:46.8 – 20:48.7] It's gonna go on three weeks,” you know, blah, blah. [20:48.7 – 20:51.2] So I still was not believing it. [20:51.2 – 20:55.7] So we get down there, and the sheriff was like, “Listen, you're, you have two choices. [20:55.7 – 21:04.0] One, you can go to jail and be prosecuted, or you can go to treatment.” Um, and I was like, “Well, I'm gonna go to that treatment place. [21:04.0 – 21:07.6] That sounds better than jail.” And he was serious, and I knew it. [21:07.6 – 21:09.9] And I didn't know that my mother had arranged this. [21:09.9 – 21:11.1] I just thought, you know… [21:11.1 – 21:13.4] I really thought he was gonna take me to jail, and I, he might have. [21:13.4 – 21:19.2] So I go to my first treatment, which is, uh, a charter in Macon. [21:19.2 – 21:20.1] Charter Lake in Macon. [21:20.1 – 21:22.6] And mind you, like, I'm like a wild animal. [21:22.6 – 21:23.4] I'm not even joking. [21:23.4 – 21:24.6] Like, I was crazy. [21:24.6 – 21:27.2] So they put me in here with these normal-seeming people. [21:27.2 – 21:33.6] And I got kicked out of there, 'cause I choked a nurse because she told me to get off the phone. [21:33.6 – 21:34.5] Okay? [21:34.5 – 21:36.3] Like, no sense at all. [21:36.3 – 21:39.1] And I had to make amends to that lady, um, later. [21:39.1 – 21:43.5] But they locked me in a rubber room and kicked me out the next day. [21:43.5 – 21:48.9] And luckily, this dude, Edgar, is the one that introduced me to the program. [21:48.9 – 21:55.7] He came and got me and, uh, took me to Statesboro to a place called Willing Way. [21:55.7 – 21:59.6] And I don't know if any of y'all know about Willing Way, but it's like Hotel California. [21:59.6 – 22:01.8] You can check in, but you cannot check out. [22:01.8 – 22:04.5] I was there for two and a half years. [22:04.5 – 22:05.9] And yeah. [22:05.9 – 22:12.1] Well, not in primary treatment, but you know, you stay in the treatment, then you go to their halfway house, and then you go to their three-quarter, and then you work there. [22:12.1 – 22:14.5] So that's kinda how I got working in the field. [22:14.5 – 22:22.2] They, they believed then that as soon as you were sober, you could work in their treatment center, and that was you doing 12 step work and learning how to do what… [22:22.2 – 22:25.4] They were one of the first treatment centers in the Southeast. [22:25.4 – 22:28.2] And that place saved my life. [22:28.2 – 22:30.6] And people are like, “They brainwashed you.” I don't care what they did. [22:30.6 – 22:36.0] Like, it, it literally turned my life around, saved me from really death at that point. [22:36.0 – 22:37.4] And they, um… [22:37.4 – 22:39.2] I escaped. [22:39.2 – 22:40.3] I mean, I finally got out of there. [22:40.3 – 22:44.0] But I had been sober for two and a half years when I left. [22:44.0 – 22:45.1] And, um… [22:45.1 – 22:46.3] Hi. [22:46.3 – 22:47.9] And one of my little girls. [22:47.9 – 22:51.5] And, um, so it gave me that foundation. [22:51.5 – 22:53.1] And I met my best friend there. [22:53.1 – 22:55.3] We're still best friends to this day. [22:55.3 – 23:01.6] So of course, I stayed sober for 12 years after that, and I went and got my education. [23:01.6 – 23:02.9] Um, started working in treatment. [23:02.9 – 23:03.9] Started working in the field. [23:03.9 – 23:04.9] Became a counselor. [23:04.9 – 23:06.4] Just all this, you know, on and on. [23:06.4 – 23:09.4] And, um, it was a good time. [23:09.4 – 23:11.5] Like, I was sober all of my 20s. [23:11.5 – 23:13.9] Um, and I would, I wouldn't trade that. [23:13.9 – 23:24.0] But I stopped doing what is required, um, to treat this disease, and that is going to meetings, um, having a sponsor, working the steps, being of service to [23:24.0 – 23:24.4] others. [23:24.4 – 23:26.4] And I stopped doing all of it. [23:26.4 – 23:32.3] I thought my therapy had healed me, that I was cured, and that I help people all day. [23:32.3 – 23:34.7] So I mean, you know, that's what I do. [23:34.7 – 23:36.4] So I mean, I don't need to do anything else. [23:36.4 – 23:37.6] Well, that's bullshit. [23:37.6 – 23:40.2] So, um, I relapsed. [23:40.2 – 23:43.9] And the way that I did it is I had convinced… [23:43.9 – 23:45.1] I mean, this disease is tricky. [23:45.1 – 23:45.3] You know? [23:45.3 – 23:47.1] It comes at you in all kinds of ways. [23:47.1 – 23:51.0] And it was, “Well, you know, I can drink,” because it was never my thing. [23:51.0 – 23:53.4] Alcohol, I mean, I didn't even ever really drink. [23:53.4 – 23:56.8] So New Year's Eve, I'm gonna drink some champagne, right? [23:56.8 – 23:58.1] So I did. [23:58.1 – 24:01.1] March, they were busting down my door doing an intervention. [24:01.1 – 24:02.7] It went that quick. [24:02.7 – 24:06.4] I was strung out on Dilaudid, laid up on the couch, couldn't move. [24:06.4 – 24:08.4] Didn't go, just didn't show up to my good job. [24:08.4 – 24:09.8] Just stopped. [24:09.8 – 24:15.6] Um, I was, um, at that time, not willing to do anything. [24:15.6 – 24:17.6] Like, I told everybody, “Fuck off. [24:17.6 – 24:19.5] Get out of my house.” Like, “I'm good. [24:19.5 – 24:20.6] I don't have a problem. [24:20.6 – 24:26.5] Everything's okay.” So it, it was not a good situation for a long time. [24:26.5 – 24:27.6] I had, um… [24:27.6 – 24:31.6] I was in a relationship with a woman who was a huge enabler. [24:31.6 – 24:34.1] And if I had stayed with her, I would've died. [24:34.1 – 24:35.2] Like, really and truly. [24:35.2 – 24:36.3] She was, um… [24:36.3 – 24:40.3] I mean, she's like a drug addict dream come true, really. [24:40.3 – 24:42.5] 'Cause I just, everything I did, she'd be like, “Okay, okay, okay, okay. [24:42.5 – 24:43.7] Here's some more money. [24:43.7 – 24:51.2] Here, here, here.” And somewhere inside of me, I was like, “Damn, I'm gonna die up in here. [24:51.2 – 24:54.6] I got to do something.” So I agreed to go to treatment. [24:54.6 – 24:57.4] And I went to the hoity-toity, you know, nice-ass treatment. [24:57.4 – 25:01.2] And I was like, “Well, I don't wanna stay here.” You know, really. [25:01.2 – 25:02.4] I thought I was just all that. [25:02.4 – 25:03.3] And it was so… [25:03.3 – 25:04.1] Yeah, trust me. [25:04.1 – 25:05.7] It got, it got to the ugly. [25:05.7 – 25:09.4] But, um, so I'd go to the nice ones, and every day I'd be like, “I don't… [25:09.4 – 25:11.0] I mean, I already know what to do. [25:11.0 – 25:14.5] Like, I could run this place.” Like, my ego was, you know, ridiculous. [25:14.5 – 25:17.1] Like, “Y'all can't tell me,” like, “This is stupid. [25:17.1 – 25:18.3] I know this information. [25:18.3 – 25:19.9] There's no need for me to be here. [25:19.9 – 25:22.1] It's a waste of your time, waste of my money. [25:22.1 – 25:22.7] I'm leaving. [25:22.7 – 25:31.4] Sign out, AMA,” every time So, um, it obviously got progressively worse, but it took some time, and I would rally. [25:31.4 – 25:35.1] Like, I was a high-functioning drug addict at that point, 'cause I had knowledge. [25:35.1 – 25:36.8] And that's the thing. [25:36.8 – 25:40.3] Self-knowledge or any kind of knowledge will not keep you sober. [25:40.3 – 25:44.9] And so I would have all this knowledge so I could spew what you needed to hear. [25:44.9 – 25:50.2] I could go in and get a job and present so well, and then burn that shit to the ground. [25:50.2 – 25:53.7] Um, I had this one job where I was… [25:53.7 – 26:02.7] You know, I was always, like, executive director, associate director of this, that, and everything, and I had this one job where um, I was associate director and, um, there was a board. [26:02.7 – 26:03.6] It was a nonprofit. [26:03.6 – 26:08.0] Got real fucked up on some Somas in there and called up the board president. [26:08.0 – 26:13.8] And here's the message: “I just wanna say, you know, sah,…” And I could hear myself, but I couldn't stop. [26:13.8 – 26:14.9] What the hell was I gonna do? [26:14.9 – 26:19.0] So I, “Sah,” and I thought, “Man, this is bad,” and hung up. [26:19.0 – 26:20.4] Yeah. [26:20.4 – 26:27.1] So, and then I proceeded to slide into the floor another time, you know, out of my chair in front of everybody, employee, everybody. [26:27.1 – 26:28.0] And I… [26:28.0 – 26:32.3] This is what I said: “I took some Benadryl.” Have y'all ever said… [26:32.3 – 26:36.1] Y'all know, y'all said y'all took some Benadryl, some NyQuil, some Tylenol PM. [26:36.1 – 26:37.0] That's why I'm drowsy. [26:37.0 – 26:37.7] Yeah. [26:37.7 – 26:38.6] Yeah, it was real drowsy. [26:38.6 – 26:43.1] So an employee of mine followed me home. [26:43.1 – 26:44.4] The whole time I'm saying, “No, man, I'm good. [26:44.4 – 26:44.9] I can drive. [26:44.9 – 26:45.5] It's the Benadryl. [26:45.5 – 26:46.2] Like, I can… [26:46.2 – 26:46.6] I got this. [26:46.6 – 26:51.0] I have allergies.” And he followed me all the way home on his motorcycle in the rain. [26:51.0 – 26:52.5] I guess he was concerned. [26:52.5 – 26:54.9] Um, and he should've been. [26:54.9 – 26:58.7] Um, so, you know, everybody around me was trying to tell me, “You need help. [26:58.7 – 26:59.4] You gotta get help. [26:59.4 – 27:02.3] You gotta do something.” I was just like, “No, I got this, I got this, I got this. [27:02.3 – 27:03.6] I'm in control. [27:03.6 – 27:04.9] I know what to do. [27:04.9 – 27:08.8] I have the power.” Um, and that got me nowhere. [27:08.8 – 27:11.7] So I couldn't get sober again. [27:11.7 – 27:18.9] So let me tell you, when you decide to use or take a drink or a drug, you don't know if you're gonna make it back. [27:18.9 – 27:21.7] And I had every intention of, “If I have… [27:21.7 – 27:27.3] If I feel like this is out of control, I'm gonna just come back and get a white chip and start over.” Well, it didn't work that way. [27:27.3 – 27:31.6] The, the knowledge was not good. [27:31.6 – 27:34.7] Um, so I was using. [27:34.7 – 27:40.8] I was associate director of a treatment center, stealing the detox meds. [27:40.8 – 27:43.2] They would say, “We need to get rid of them.” And I'd be like, “I got it. [27:43.2 – 27:43.7] I'ma go… [27:43.7 – 27:44.4] I'm a, I got… [27:44.4 – 27:48.0] Then we'll dispose of them.” And I would dispose of them in my bag and take them home. [27:48.0 – 27:55.1] And just a lot of shit that you don't, you know, know is really going on, and nobody knew it for a long time. [27:55.1 – 27:57.5] And then it became kinda obvious. [27:57.5 – 27:58.8] You know, I'd start to nod out. [27:58.8 – 28:02.5] Again, Benadryl or a new medication or whatever. [28:02.5 – 28:04.7] So I had to leave there and go somewhere else. [28:04.7 – 28:07.0] So I had been… [28:07.0 – 28:11.7] Because of my 20s, remember I was a criminal early on, but I still had that mindset of, “Get over. [28:11.7 – 28:12.3] Let's get over. [28:12.3 – 28:16.3] Let's see what we can do.” And so my whole 20s I was sober, so I didn't do anything like that. [28:16.3 – 28:21.5] Well, when that gate, when that door opened again, man, it came on with a blast. [28:21.5 – 28:23.1] And I mean, I did everything. [28:23.1 – 28:25.1] I stole people's identities. [28:25.1 – 28:31.6] I bankrupted people that I knew, that I'd be stealing their money, smiling, sleeping with them, whatever. [28:31.6 – 28:34.8] Um, and then just thinking, “You're sleeping with the enemy.” I would. [28:34.8 – 28:41.1] I remember sleeping in the bed and thinking, “Man, you don't even know that I'm taking all your shit, little by little by little. [28:41.1 – 28:43.0] Not your couch or your TV. [28:43.0 – 28:44.7] I don't care about that or your jewelry. [28:44.7 – 28:54.7] I'm taking your money, all of it, all your credit and everything you got.” And I was so selfish, self-centered, and my ego so blown up that I would, [28:54.7 – 28:55.9] of course, buy drugs with it. [28:55.9 – 28:56.9] But I'd travel, honey. [28:56.9 – 28:59.1] I wanna go to Europe, get a boat. [28:59.1 – 28:59.7] I w- [28:59.8 – 29:02.6] And just live like, you know, I deserve to live, like, large. [29:02.6 – 29:05.8] You know, that ego is just running the game. [29:05.8 – 29:07.5] And I'm a junkie, man. [29:07.5 – 29:11.3] Like, a straight-up junkie trying to pretend that, you know, I got this. [29:11.3 – 29:18.4] So I stole a lot during those years, um, and it was exhausting. [29:18.4 – 29:20.4] I mean, I was living double lives all over the place. [29:20.4 – 29:29.7] I had a full relationship in Atlanta with my girlfriend and a house and a dog, and a full relationship in South Florida with a woman with a house and a dog, and neither one of them knew about each other. [29:29.7 – 29:33.0] And then had a bunch of other friends on the side. [29:33.0 – 29:35.4] But that was hard to manage. [29:35.4 – 29:37.5] I mean, I had to keep up two houses, appear… [29:37.5 – 29:39.9] I didn't work, 'cause I was stealing their money. [29:39.9 – 29:46.3] And I, I was trying to do my taxes recently, 'cause I didn't do taxes for about 20 years, and… [29:46.3 – 29:46.9] Seriously. [29:46.9 – 29:50.1] And I was like, damn, let me think about when did I work. [29:50.1 – 29:50.9] How many years? [29:50.9 – 29:53.0] Well, not many. [29:53.0 – 30:03.3] I mean- There was 10 of the years that I just didn't work, because I was just scheming and scheming and stealing and lying, and [30:03.3 – 30:04.6] doing a lot of drugs. [30:04.6 – 30:08.3] Um, you know, I should be dead so many times. [30:08.3 – 30:13.1] Like, I would check into these hotels and not be able to check out. [30:13.1 – 30:16.4] I would just overdose, wake up, come to. [30:16.4 – 30:20.0] You know, do some more, overdose, wake up, come to. [30:20.0 – 30:22.8] Thank God that I got sober before fentanyl. [30:22.8 – 30:24.8] I mean, really and truly, 'cause I'd be dead. [30:24.8 – 30:25.7] There's no doubt. [30:25.7 – 30:27.8] Um, th- just, yeah. [30:27.8 – 30:29.2] It was a lot. [30:29.2 – 30:32.7] Um, so people continuously tried to help me. [30:32.7 – 30:35.5] Uh, it didn't really work. [30:35.5 – 30:42.1] Um, y- this is a disease, an illness that you have to want to get sober. [30:42.1 – 30:43.1] You gotta wanna stop. [30:43.1 – 30:45.5] Nobody can give you the desire or the willingness. [30:45.5 – 30:47.1] You gotta get it inside of you. [30:47.1 – 30:51.1] And unfortunately, we have to be miserable to wanna stop, you know? [30:51.1 – 30:52.6] Let me see what time it is. [30:52.6 – 30:54.3] When do I stop? [30:54.3 – 30:55.8] Nine. [30:55.8 – 30:57.2] Oh, shit. [30:57.2 – 30:57.7] Okay. [30:57.7 – 31:00.4] Or before 9:00, I guess. [31:00.4 – 31:00.7] Okay. [31:00.7 – 31:03.6] So, um, I guess I need to get sober quick. [31:03.6 – 31:08.1] So, um- Anyway, this rocked on for a long time. [31:08.1 – 31:09.8] A lot of damage was done to a lot of people. [31:09.8 – 31:10.7] It's hot in here, y'all. [31:10.7 – 31:11.4] Is this blowing? [31:11.4 – 31:13.3] Hold on. [31:13.3 – 31:14.9] I'm gonna have a hot flash, don't worry. [31:14.9 – 31:16.7] It is blowing. [31:16.7 – 31:17.7] I'm gonna have to stand in front of it. [31:17.7 – 31:19.5] So I'll be having a hot flash. [31:19.5 – 31:21.2] So I've li- I never planned to live this long. [31:21.2 – 31:22.4] I had no plans- … [31:22.4 – 31:24.0] of having hot flashes, trust me. [31:24.0 – 31:25.7] Having to take hormones or anything else. [31:25.7 – 31:26.4] Like, no way. [31:26.4 – 31:33.8] So I really had resigned myself that I was not gonna get sober again, that this was my life, and that I was just gonna have to survive. [31:33.8 – 31:35.0] Um, but I did. [31:35.0 – 31:42.6] I was, I was able to get sober, but not until I went to every treatment center that's nice and every one that's terrible. [31:42.6 – 31:48.7] Like, I've been in the ones with boogers on the wall, and, you know, shit on the floor, and a drain in the middle, and jail. [31:48.7 – 31:53.8] Um, and I did wind up going to jail, you know, and, and I'm a convicted felon. [31:53.8 – 31:54.9] And I only… [31:54.9 – 31:59.9] That was in 1987, and I never got arrested again, and I was real proud of that for a long time. [31:59.9 – 32:01.5] Like, wow, I'm a good criminal, you know? [32:01.5 – 32:03.4] Like, I just got one felony. [32:03.4 – 32:05.9] Um, but I don't know which is worse, you know? [32:05.9 – 32:07.7] 'Cause I kept going and kept going and kept going. [32:07.7 – 32:13.1] Um, you know, it's like everybody else that, that's on dope. [32:13.1 – 32:14.4] You overdose. [32:14.4 – 32:17.3] You wait on the dope man half your life. [32:17.3 – 32:18.4] I'm off the exit. [32:18.4 – 32:19.4] I'm almost there. [32:19.4 – 32:20.2] I'm about to be there. [32:20.2 – 32:21.7] You ain't even left the fucking house. [32:21.7 – 32:25.9] You know, you spend your time like that, and chasing that high. [32:25.9 – 32:30.2] Waking up in the morning, oh my God, you know, how, where am I getting the money today? [32:30.2 – 32:34.3] Like, I've got to get enough to make this to this to this, or I'm gonna start feeling sick. [32:34.3 – 32:36.1] And we are the biggest babies, man. [32:36.1 – 32:39.8] When we start to feel sick for a minute, it's like, oh my God, I'm dying. [32:39.8 – 32:41.5] I gotta have the dope now, help me. [32:41.5 – 32:44.5] You know, at least for me, I was just, ugh, the worst. [32:44.5 – 32:46.2] Like, I didn't wanna feel uncomfortable. [32:46.2 – 32:50.0] So, um, anyway, I got sober. [32:50.0 – 32:56.3] I got into, um, a relationship, and I happened to bring her with me. [32:56.3 – 32:57.0] She… [32:57.0 – 33:01.9] This is my ex-wife, and my ex-drug dealer, so I thought I'd just go on and bring her. [33:01.9 – 33:04.6] She, she was the drug dealer that, um… [33:04.6 – 33:09.6] So I stopped doing heroin for a while when I was sober, and then I didn't get back on it. [33:09.6 – 33:11.0] I was just on pills. [33:11.0 – 33:12.1] So that's not bad, right? [33:12.1 – 33:14.0] A lot of pills. [33:14.0 – 33:16.9] And um, I was buying 'em from her. [33:16.9 – 33:20.8] And uh, we were sitting there and she's like, “Man, you know, you're spending too much money on these pills. [33:20.8 – 33:22.6] Like, you just need to go ahead and buy the dope. [33:22.6 – 33:23.9] Like…” And I was like, “No, no, no. [33:23.9 – 33:29.8] I can't do that.” Within 24 hours, I called and said, “Well, you know, I'ma just, I'ma do it.” Because, you know. [33:29.8 – 33:32.4] So that started a whole other… [33:32.4 – 33:34.6] And all of y'all know, it's another level. [33:34.6 – 33:36.2] It's just a whole other… [33:36.2 – 33:42.9] Not that it's like, oh my God, worse or anything than any other addiction or, you know, drug, but it is… [33:42.9 – 33:48.2] Everything that goes with it, the ritual, all of it, the spoon, the needle, all of it is just… [33:48.2 – 33:50.4] It, it grabs you. [33:50.4 – 33:51.7] It grips you, you know? [33:51.7 – 33:57.0] There were many days when I would, didn't have anything, and I would just be dragging that water through that cotton. [33:57.0 – 34:04.4] You know, just trying to get high or any kind of feeling to escape what I know that, you know, I didn't wanna feel. [34:04.4 – 34:08.0] So, um, so this relationship. [34:08.0 – 34:09.7] So, uh, she was my drug dealer. [34:09.7 – 34:10.4] I'm sober. [34:10.4 – 34:11.2] I get with her. [34:11.2 – 34:17.6] She is literally the worst junkie I've ever seen in my entire life, and I'm gonna save her, okay? [34:17.6 – 34:21.1] I'm gonna help her get sober and save her. [34:21.1 – 34:26.6] Well, that did not work out, and it was a ride of a lifetime. [34:26.6 – 34:28.5] It took me to another level. [34:28.5 – 34:32.7] It's what I got on Suboxone behind, 'cause it was like, this is dope in my face. [34:32.7 – 34:34.0] Somebody doing it. [34:34.0 – 34:35.8] I'm gonna need some added protection. [34:35.8 – 34:41.0] So I'm gonna, you know, make sure that if I wanna get high, I'm not gonna be able to. [34:41.0 – 34:43.5] And um, it was every… [34:43.5 – 34:50.1] I did everything sober that you can think of to try and stop somebody from getting high. [34:50.1 – 34:51.7] That shit don't work, y'all. [34:51.7 – 34:52.4] I don't know that. [34:52.4 – 34:55.2] But I never thought I would do these things, you know? [34:55.2 – 35:04.0] I, I'm one of those now, I s- I never say never, because I will be doing it the next weekend as soon as I say, “I would never do that.” Well, I will. [35:04.0 – 35:10.3] So, um- It, it was a ride, like, mmm, I lost everything. [35:10.3 – 35:16.3] I didn't lose everything really when I was using, I mean, 'cause I was living off other people's money. [35:16.3 – 35:24.6] Um, but I lost everything behind this codependency, this, um, you know, si- It's all the family sickness, you know? [35:24.6 – 35:28.7] It's like you're on one side or the other at any given time, and I was on that side. [35:28.7 – 35:33.7] And I really lost all that I had, and my ego was still just, “I'm doing good. [35:33.7 – 35:34.2] I'm fine. [35:34.2 – 35:34.9] Everything's okay. [35:34.9 – 35:35.6] I'm gonna fix it. [35:35.6 – 35:45.1] I am the power.” And I have been around the program for 35 years, and that's unbelievable. [35:45.1 – 35:48.6] And, uh and I just couldn't understand that I… [35:48.6 – 35:51.9] My lack of power is my dilemma. [35:51.9 – 35:56.2] I just couldn't understand that I had to have a power greater than myself. [35:56.2 – 36:02.0] I thought I was the power, the end all be all, and I could control everything and everybody. [36:02.0 – 36:09.1] And until I became desperate enough, as desperate as the dying, and that's the truth, where I was broken. [36:09.1 – 36:10.8] I couldn't think like I used to. [36:10.8 – 36:12.0] I couldn't feel. [36:12.0 – 36:12.5] I couldn't… [36:12.5 – 36:14.6] I c- was unemployable. [36:14.6 – 36:15.7] I was just fucked. [36:15.7 – 36:16.8] I was just broken. [36:16.8 – 36:22.4] And that's about the time I met Morgan, and, uh she got to see the best of me. [36:22.4 – 36:24.8] It was a really, really bad time. [36:24.8 – 36:29.5] And, um, I l- I, I lived through it, and that's a good thing. [36:29.5 – 36:34.0] But coming off the Suboxone was a really, really, you know, horrible thing. [36:34.0 – 36:38.3] It was like I would come off dope 100 times before I come off that shit again. [36:38.3 – 36:41.4] I mean, it went on for almost a year, just the… [36:41.4 – 36:42.4] Yeah, everything. [36:42.4 – 36:43.1] Y'all know the deal. [36:43.1 – 36:45.1] Restless legs, all of it. [36:45.1 – 36:47.4] Um, but mainly my brain. [36:47.4 – 36:49.1] I couldn't get my thoughts back. [36:49.1 – 36:52.5] I couldn't get, I couldn't get, you know, my mojo back. [36:52.5 – 36:54.8] It was like I was just going through the motions of life. [36:54.8 – 36:59.1] And my ego, um, was trying to hang on until the very end. [36:59.1 – 37:02.0] Like, I had a BMW and I moved to South Florida. [37:02.0 – 37:06.1] I was living in a, uh, a foreclosed condo of my best friend. [37:06.1 – 37:08.1] So basically there were light bulbs hanging from the ceiling. [37:08.1 – 37:10.1] I'm driving my BMW, and I decide, “You know what? [37:10.1 – 37:12.1] I've paid enough on this car. [37:12.1 – 37:13.5] It's way… [37:13.5 – 37:19.7] I've paid way more than what it's worth.” So I texted the lady and said, “Hey, you know, I'm not gonna pay on this anymore. [37:19.7 – 37:20.8] It's paid. [37:20.8 – 37:22.5] I'm done.” And I'm like, “I'm in South Florida. [37:22.5 – 37:24.3] They ain't gonna take my car.” Well, they did. [37:24.3 – 37:28.6] I went out there, it was the day before Thanksgiving, and my car was gone. [37:28.6 – 37:30.8] And I'm like, “Somebody stole my car.” That's how stupid I am. [37:30.8 – 37:32.2] Like, that somebody's not gonna take my car. [37:32.2 – 37:34.6] And they had taken it. [37:34.6 – 37:38.2] And, uh, I called 911 like, “Somebody stole my car.” And they're like, “No, ma'am. [37:38.2 – 37:41.4] Your car has been repossessed” 'cause I guess the police know. [37:41.4 – 37:43.0] Um, so that took… [37:43.0 – 37:45.9] I know if y'all have been without a car, it sucks. [37:45.9 – 37:50.7] Like, I had never really been in my adult life without a car, and it, it, it immobilizes you, like, for real. [37:50.7 – 37:54.1] And it was in South Florida, where it's hot as fuck. [37:54.1 – 37:54.9] I will never live there. [37:54.9 – 37:55.6] It… [37:55.6 – 37:56.8] I mean, I thought I was gonna die. [37:56.8 – 37:59.9] And like, I'm hot right now, but you- I would have to walk to get to where I need… [37:59.9 – 38:00.8] I mean, it's just horrible. [38:00.8 – 38:05.5] So I just looked around at my life like, “What am I doing?” And there were meetings all around me. [38:05.5 – 38:13.6] I could've been go- I would go to a meeting and just be like, “This is so stupid.” You know, never praying, never doing anything that needed, that I needed to do. [38:13.6 – 38:21.7] So I really, really, um, hit a bottom, an emotional bottom, a physical, spiritual, everything, um, sober. [38:21.7 – 38:29.5] And I came back to Atlanta and, uh, wound up cold calling on a recommendation my sponsor today. [38:29.5 – 38:34.9] And I've never done that before, um, except I'd cold call a dope man in a minute. [38:34.9 – 38:36.3] So I was like, “Well, I don't know them. [38:36.3 – 38:38.1] I'm not gonna call them,” you know? [38:38.1 – 38:39.6] Um, but I will call somebody- [38:39.7 – 38:43.9] I don't know if they have something I need, and that sponsor has something I need. [38:43.9 – 38:45.4] So I tell my girls that all the time. [38:45.4 – 38:46.5] I work in treatment now. [38:46.5 – 38:49.2] I, um, I own a women's sober living. [38:49.2 – 38:55.7] And when they say, “Well, I don't know her,” I say, “Yeah, I know, but if she has some dope, your ass will get to know her.” And that's what I had to do. [38:55.7 – 39:02.3] I had to just say, “If this was dope, if this was dope, this was dope, I'd do it, I'd do it, I'd do it” And I did it, and I didn't wanna do any of it. [39:02.3 – 39:05.0] Shit, I don't wanna do it most of the time now. [39:05.0 – 39:15.1] But when I heard, sitting in these meetings all these years, about the promises coming true, and hearing them read over and over, I couldn't see them in my own life because I wasn't doing what it takes [39:15.1 – 39:17.2] for them to come true. [39:17.2 – 39:27.5] So when I finally started really working the program and doing things that I didn't wanna do, I, um, had gotten this j- I had no job, and I got this part-time job at, um, [39:27.5 – 39:30.8] this place where Morgan worked at a sober living, and I was working on the weekends. [39:30.8 – 39:33.0] And I had to have a full-time job. [39:33.0 – 39:38.5] I had no money, and my sponsor kept saying, “You just need to do this and stay sober, and the next thing…” I was like, “You don't understand. [39:38.5 – 39:39.3] I, I need a car. [39:39.3 – 39:39.8] I need money. [39:39.8 – 39:50.0] I need this.” And she's like, “No, just do the next right thing.” I was like, “This bitch is crazy.” So, um, I did it, and I had gotten offered this job at Peachford, and of course, [39:50.0 – 39:55.7] I lied on the resume and said that I was still working at Ridgeview and that I had all this and this, this. [39:55.7 – 39:59.1] And, uh, but they couldn't check 'cause, um, they didn't, you know, want me to get a job. [39:59.1 – 40:06.2] So they had this new thing called third party, I guess, people who check, like literally check, like for real. [40:06.2 – 40:16.1] So, um, they call me and they're like, “Well, since we can't contact them, we're gonna need to have a copy of your W2, your pay stub, your ta…” I was like, “Okay.” So I was like, “That's cool. [40:16.1 – 40:17.7] I can just scan my old one. [40:17.7 – 40:19.3] I'ma change the numbers. [40:19.3 – 40:19.7] No problem. [40:19.7 – 40:21.5] I got that.” So I told my sponsor. [40:21.5 – 40:23.0] She was like, “Oh, no, no, no, no. [40:23.0 – 40:24.8] You can't do that.” And I was like, “Okay. [40:24.8 – 40:28.6] Okay, whatever.” So I wasn't gonna do it. [40:28.6 – 40:32.0] I mean, I was just gonna do it anyway w- after I hung up. [40:32.0 – 40:34.5] So when I hung up, this weird thing came over me. [40:34.5 – 40:35.3] It was like, “You know what? [40:35.3 – 40:44.7] Just do something different and see what happens.” She told me to call HR, tell them I lied, and I was like, “What?” So I did it. [40:44.7 – 40:47.4] I mean, I was just like, “All right, I'ma try something different.” Called up. [40:47.4 – 40:48.8] This lady was a bitch. [40:48.8 – 40:58.6] I mean, she was like, “So I understand that you falsified your application.” And I was like, “I did.” And I didn't even say what I wanted to say, which was, “Everybody does it,” you know? [40:58.6 – 41:00.5] I wanted to say that, but I didn't. [41:00.5 – 41:02.2] I said, “Yes, I did. [41:02.2 – 41:12.6] I did.” And, uh, and I said, “But the reason that I wanna tell you the truth is if I'm gonna be in a position of being an example for other women, I don't wanna start with a lie.” [41:12.6 – 41:14.4] And she was just like, “Well, we don't need you at this time. [41:14.4 – 41:23.1] It's not a good fit.” And I was like, “All right.” I hung up, and y'all, the peace that came over me was like something I'd never had before because I had finally done the right thing. [41:23.1 – 41:24.4] It didn't matter if I had a job. [41:24.4 – 41:25.7] It didn't matter. [41:25.7 – 41:35.4] Now, I'm living in the attic of my friend, I mean, driving some the getromobile, a ratchet car, and, um, barely making it. [41:35.4 – 41:40.2] So I go into the staff meeting where I'm working on weekends the next day. [41:40.2 – 41:42.6] They didn't know my situation. [41:42.6 – 41:46.0] They said, uh, “So we want you to work full-time. [41:46.0 – 41:48.3] We wanna offer you an apartment. [41:48.3 – 41:56.2] We'll pay your rent, your utilities, give you a cell phone, pay your benefits, and give you a salary.” I was like, “What?” I was just like, “Oh, okay. [41:56.2 – 41:58.7] Well, I'ma have to think about it,” 'cause I didn't want them to think I was desperate, right? [41:58.7 – 42:00.0] I got into the car. [42:00.0 – 42:07.2] I was like, “What the fuck?” So I called my sponsor, and she was like, “See?” And that is when my recovery changed. [42:07.2 – 42:17.4] That is when I made a turn to like, “Wow, okay, so if I do the right thing and I have integrity,” which I didn't know anything about, “then things will work out.” [42:17.4 – 42:24.1] And so that was the moment that I began to realize that I needed a power greater than myself. [42:24.1 – 42:27.2] I needed a higher power, and to pray. [42:27.2 – 42:28.9] And I prayed to like what the empty… [42:28.9 – 42:36.0] I didn't know the emptiness of nothing, and I still don't know, but I know that whatever that power is, it's got more than I got. [42:36.0 – 42:38.7] And, and I trust my higher power. [42:38.7 – 42:45.1] You know, I trust God, and I have to turn over the things that, um, I have no control over today. [42:45.1 – 42:46.6] And I still pitch a fit. [42:46.6 – 42:50.8] Everybody that knows me knows I'll pitch a fit and, you know, wanna be in control, but I'm not. [42:50.8 – 42:55.5] I can't, um, ultimately do it, or I won't be able to stay sober. [42:55.5 – 43:05.5] And so in the past four and a half years, I have, um, really operated from that perspective of I'm gonna do what [43:05.5 – 43:06.3] my sponsor says. [43:06.3 – 43:07.4] I'm gonna go to the meetings. [43:07.4 – 43:08.0] I'm gonna share. [43:08.0 – 43:08.7] I'm gonna trust. [43:08.7 – 43:09.9] I'm gonna follow. [43:09.9 – 43:11.0] I'm gonna read the Big Book. [43:11.0 – 43:14.1] I'm gonna do all that is suggested, be of service. [43:14.1 – 43:15.7] I'm gonna have all these service commitments. [43:15.7 – 43:17.5] And, you know, in my mind I'm thinking, “I don't have time for this shit. [43:17.5 – 43:24.5] I don't have time to sponsor all these women.” And my sponsor, when I call her, I- she's the best for me because she's like an incredible human being. [43:24.5 – 43:26.3] She sponsors like 27 women. [43:26.3 – 43:28.0] She has a full-time job. [43:28.0 – 43:28.8] She's married. [43:28.8 – 43:30.0] She has three stepkids. [43:30.0 – 43:34.1] She is the president of this, the president of that, a, the home group, and this, that, and this, that. [43:34.1 – 43:39.9] So I can't even be like, “Man, I can't do this,” 'cause she's like, “Really?” So you know, I'll be like, “I have seven sponsees. [43:39.9 – 43:41.8] I can't function.” And she's like, “Really? [43:41.8 – 43:52.8] Y- yeah, you can.” So I will never be able to do what she does, so that's somebody that I try to be like, “Wow, this, this lady is, you know, really the shit.” And, um, so [43:52.8 – 43:54.6] I continue to do those things. [43:54.6 – 43:58.3] I show up, you know, in my home group, and I am of service. [43:58.3 – 43:59.7] I take women through the steps. [43:59.7 – 44:10.1] I, like I said, I own a women's sober living, and that is an incredible journey in and of itself that I ne- I still wake up and I'm like, “Wow, this is my life,” [44:10.1 – 44:14.1] because the things that I did to get here, none of them are illegal. [44:14.1 – 44:16.4] None of them hurt anybody. [44:16.4 – 44:18.8] Nobody to- I didn't take advantage of anybody. [44:18.8 – 44:29.1] Like, I literally did the right thing, told the truth, helped people, and then I wake up and I'm like, “Wow, this is crazy.” Um, [44:29.1 – 44:29.6] and so I know… [44:29.6 – 44:31.8] Uh, the promises, every single promise has come true. [44:31.8 – 44:37.5] Like, I could go down the list and be like, “Yep, yep, yep, yep.” And I was that skeptic that would be like, “Man, fuck these promises. [44:37.5 – 44:38.7] These people so full of shit. [44:38.7 – 44:41.6] This thing'll never happen for me, like, or anybody. [44:41.6 – 44:51.8] This is just some made-up, like, religious shit that's not gonna work.” Um, but it does, and I'm here to tell you, like Morgan said, “If I can get sober, anybody can.” And that's, [44:51.8 – 44:55.5] and that's real because I was You know, bad off, man. [44:55.5 – 44:57.6] And even sober, bad off. [44:57.6 – 44:58.8] That tells you how sick I am. [44:58.8 – 45:09.0] And I'm a firm believer that, um, you know, if you treat this illness, you can recover, and the minute you stop, it is on [45:09.0 – 45:09.3] you. [45:09.3 – 45:16.9] Like, it's on, it's working the whole time that you're sober, and I believe this, and I know most of y'all have heard this, that it's doing push-ups, but it is. [45:16.9 – 45:20.9] The minute you start to, like, I'll say, “Well, I'm not going tonight to my meeting. [45:20.9 – 45:21.5] You know, I'm just- Mm … [45:21.5 – 45:23.6] I'm tired, you know, blah.” Okay. [45:23.6 – 45:28.3] The next week, same night, “Well, I mean, it's dark. [45:28.3 – 45:29.4] I got up early. [45:29.4 – 45:31.8] I'm hungry,” whatever. [45:31.8 – 45:33.0] “I didn't go last w- I'm cool. [45:33.0 – 45:37.5] I didn't relapse, you know?” So, then it just begins, all of the reasons. [45:37.5 – 45:43.2] We are the best excuse makers and rationalizers of everything on Earth. [45:43.2 – 45:44.1] I mean everything. [45:44.1 – 45:48.2] I can come up with just, oh, my God, you'd be scared of everything that I'm telling you. [45:48.2 – 45:49.9] And agreeing, yeah, yeah, yeah. [45:49.9 – 45:57.0] So the, the thing with my girls, this is one of my girls I'm gonna call you out right here, that, uh, drove up here to hear me. [45:57.0 – 45:58.5] Um, they… [45:58.5 – 46:00.6] I- they know, they, they all call me a bitch. [46:00.6 – 46:01.2] They know I'm a bitch. [46:01.2 – 46:02.1] I don't care. [46:02.1 – 46:04.3] If they're alive, then I'll be a bitch, you know? [46:04.3 – 46:09.2] But the things that I say to them and ask them to do, and that's for my sponsees, I do. [46:09.2 – 46:15.6] I'm not asking them to do anything that I have not done and am not currently doing because that's bullshit, you know? [46:15.6 – 46:18.5] Um, well, it would be for me. [46:18.5 – 46:23.9] And I've been in so many sober livings and so many treatments and so many detox, they can't get shit over on me. [46:23.9 – 46:26.7] I mean, they start trying to lie, I'm like, “Man, just stop. [46:26.7 – 46:34.4] Like, you're just going on a whole thing that ain't making no sense.” “I'm going, but I had to go 'cause my friend said, and but there's no guys there.” And I'm like, “Man, just shut up. [46:34.4 – 46:35.5] Like, where is he? [46:35.5 – 46:36.2] Who is he? [46:36.2 – 46:39.1] I know you're going to see a guy or whatever,” you know? [46:39.1 – 46:44.3] They j- And then we have cameras that point toward the front door so we can see them coming in and out. [46:44.3 – 46:54.3] So, you know, I let them know like, “Listen, you can try and you can do it, but if you wanna stay here, you gotta do what this is or you're not gonna [46:54.3 – 46:54.8] make it. [46:54.8 – 46:58.9] You know, you're not.” I mean, and y'all, every one of y'all can do this. [46:58.9 – 47:02.4] Like you can, you just gotta do what you don't wanna do. [47:02.4 – 47:04.6] It sucks, and that's the truth. [47:04.6 – 47:08.0] Like, we are people who wanna feel good right this minute. [47:08.0 – 47:09.0] Give it to me. [47:09.0 – 47:09.6] Hit me with it. [47:09.6 – 47:10.7] Make me feel better. [47:10.7 – 47:13.4] It's a long-term proposition. [47:13.4 – 47:14.3] It's an investment. [47:14.3 – 47:19.4] If you put in and put in and put in, man, the return is better than dope. [47:19.4 – 47:21.4] It really is, 'cause it's real. [47:21.4 – 47:22.8] It lasts. [47:22.8 – 47:25.6] It doesn't just hit you and then you're like, “All right, what am I gonna do now? [47:25.6 – 47:27.3] I got to find the dope man,” you know? [47:27.3 – 47:28.0] It's not like that. [47:28.0 – 47:31.8] It's like, oh my God, I h- am starting to build self-esteem. [47:31.8 – 47:33.4] I feel better about myself. [47:33.4 – 47:37.2] I can function, I can oper- I mean, i- it's real, y'all. [47:37.2 – 47:37.7] It is. [47:37.7 – 47:44.3] And I know each and every one of y'all, you know, have a chance if you just, simple, 12 steps. [47:44.3 – 47:46.8] Work 'em, call your sponsor. [47:46.8 – 47:48.9] That, it's that simple. [47:48.9 – 47:54.1] Do what your sponsor suggests for you to do, be of service, and just stay sober today. [47:54.1 – 47:56.0] That's all you gotta do, man, today. [47:56.0 – 47:58.0] And it sounds simple 'cause it is. [47:58.0 – 47:59.8] If you're willing, you can make it. [47:59.8 – 48:02.0] And I mean, I love all y'all, man. [48:02.0 – 48:04.8] I'm, I'm proud to be a junkie and I'm proud to be in recovery. [48:04.8 – 48:07.3] And heroin doesn't have to kill everybody, man. [48:07.3 – 48:07.9] It doesn't. [48:07.9 – 48:09.7] So y'all be the truth. [48:09.7 – 48:10.8] Love y'all. [48:10.8 – 48:11.1] Thank you. [48:11.1 – 48:12.0] Whoo.