Transcript

[00:05.1 – 00:07.9] Hi, my name's Kendall, and I'm an, uh, al- I'm an alcoholic. [00:07.9 – 00:08.7] I'm just gonna say it. [00:08.7 – 00:08.9] Hey, Kendall. [00:08.9 – 00:10.2] I've also done other shit, too. [00:10.2 – 00:10.5] Hi. [00:10.5 – 00:11.1] Hey, Kendall. [00:11.1 – 00:15.1] Um, Morgan asked me today to come and introduce her. [00:15.1 – 00:17.0] I've done this shit so many times. [00:17.0 – 00:27.2] Um, but one thing I've always known to be true about her and her experience, strength, and hope, that it can reach pretty much anybody if you're open-minded. [00:27.2 – 00:34.1] Um, she came into my life about five years ago, and, um, she picked me solely because of sass. [00:34.1 – 00:35.1] Let's just be honest. [00:35.1 – 00:40.9] Um, but she's been one of my best friends, um, a bridesmaid for me. [00:40.9 – 00:43.4] I'll be her matron of honor in October? [00:43.4 – 00:44.5] I'll show up. [00:44.5 – 00:51.6] Um, but I'm just really proud of everything that she's com- accomplished and continued to accomplish, because she really is a beautiful soul. [00:51.6 – 00:52.5] So with that, I give you Morgan. [00:52.5 – 00:59.2] I'm Morgan. [00:59.2 – 01:00.2] I'm a heroin addict. [01:00.2 – 01:01.1] Hey, Morgan. [01:01.1 – 01:03.3] Um, I'm really nervous. [01:03.3 – 01:07.1] Um, speaking isn't my favorite form of service work. [01:07.1 – 01:09.8] Um, but I was asked to do it, so I'm gonna do it. [01:09.8 – 01:18.4] Um, I'm also really tired, but I was also told to show up, um, regardless, um, if I was able, um, and willing to do so. [01:18.4 – 01:22.0] Um, my sobriety date is March 1st of 2013. [01:22.0 – 01:29.5] Um, I have a sponsor. [01:29.5 – 01:32.3] Um, I have a sponsor, and I sponsor other women. [01:32.3 – 01:42.3] Um, so I don't think that, um, my [01:42.3 – 01:47.2] childhood, my upbringing, or anything really made me, um, a heroin addict. [01:47.2 – 01:53.5] I think that there were things that, uh, contributed to it or gave me excuse to use more. [01:53.5 – 01:58.6] Um, I grew up in Cumming, Georgia. [01:58.6 – 02:02.9] It's not, you know, it's very safe, very padded community. [02:02.9 – 02:04.2] Nothing bad really happened. [02:04.2 – 02:06.1] Maybe something once a year. [02:06.1 – 02:10.1] Um, my fam- my parents are still together. [02:10.1 – 02:12.2] I mean, my family is not normal. [02:12.2 – 02:17.8] Um, most of them are addicts or alcoholics, most of them heroin addicts. [02:17.8 – 02:22.1] My brother's a heroin addict, and my other two brothers are alcoholics, whether they like to admit it or not. [02:22.1 – 02:25.5] Um, and it's really scary. [02:25.5 – 02:33.2] Uh, but growing up, it was like, there was a lot of yelling. [02:33.2 – 02:34.8] There was a lot of arguing. [02:34.8 – 02:38.2] Um, hey, girl. [02:38.2 – 02:46.3] Um, and, you know, with my mom, and, and my parents, they… [02:46.3 – 02:49.2] It was, I was always doing something wrong. [02:49.2 – 02:51.4] Like, something was always wrong, you know? [02:51.4 – 02:55.3] Um, my mom has really bad anxiety, and she projected a lot of fears on me. [02:55.3 – 03:05.4] Um, and so I always have this feeling of like, “Okay, something bad is gonna happen to me, and something's wrong.” Um, but I mean, [03:05.4 – 03:12.2] regardless of that, I, I grew up, and I had everything that I needed and most of what I wanted. [03:12.2 – 03:14.0] Um, it was pretty normal. [03:14.0 – 03:19.7] There wasn't, uh, too many, there wasn't any, like, traumatic experiences that I'm aware of. [03:19.7 – 03:30.1] Um, so I, um, I was kind of like an awkward [03:30.1 – 03:30.6] child. [03:30.6 – 03:34.6] I didn't really talk a lot, which is weird, because now I won't shut the fuck up. [03:34.6 – 03:38.2] Um, but I was really quiet. [03:38.2 – 03:39.7] I, I kept out of trouble. [03:39.7 – 03:41.2] Um, I didn't really have any friends. [03:41.2 – 03:42.8] I was terrified of people. [03:42.8 – 03:50.4] Um, and that's kind of a trend, like, throughout my life, is, like, I'm scared of a lot of things, and I'm, I'm really scared of people. [03:50.4 – 03:56.5] Um, so I didn't really have a lot of friends, but I did feel a need to be accepted. [03:56.5 – 03:59.4] But I was too scared to go and try to find it, you know? [03:59.4 – 04:04.8] Um, and then I think… [04:04.8 – 04:06.0] Let's see. [04:06.0 – 04:07.2] I don't remember a lot of stuff. [04:07.2 – 04:08.1] It's all like a blur. [04:08.1 – 04:13.6] Um, I, when I was in high school… [04:13.6 – 04:18.9] And I was also bullied a lot in school, um, and just stuff like that. [04:18.9 – 04:21.5] Um, that also doesn't make me an addict, you know? [04:21.5 – 04:26.1] It's just, um, took a hit to my self-esteem. [04:26.1 – 04:36.0] So, um, I'll start with the first drink, because, um, from what I've seen and what's in my experience, I didn't just pick up heroin and stick a needle in my arm. [04:36.0 – 04:41.6] So, um, I had my first drink, and I remember nothing, actually. [04:41.6 – 04:51.9] I don't really remember anything, because I, um, I got so drunk that I threw up everywhere. [04:51.9 – 04:56.2] Um, because I couldn't stop drinking, and I didn't see that as an issue. [04:56.2 – 05:02.1] And that's kind of, like, something I always did is I, I would binge drink, and then I never saw an issue with it. [05:02.1 – 05:08.2] Um, I was drinking a lot and partying a lot, and then, you know, I started smoking weed. [05:08.2 – 05:11.1] And I was like, “This is, this is great. [05:11.1 – 05:12.9] I can talk to people. [05:12.9 – 05:22.9] Um, I feel accepted by people.” Um, and I didn't have, like, those voices in my head, like, telling me, like, “You're not good enough. [05:22.9 – 05:23.6] No one likes you. [05:23.6 – 05:26.8] You're not pretty.” You know, everything kind of just disappeared. [05:26.8 – 05:36.8] Um, and that was, that was a really awesome experience for me at the time, uh, because, uh, like, I ki- I hated myself, [05:36.8 – 05:38.4] and I kept it inside a lot. [05:38.4 – 05:42.0] I keep things inside until it gets to, like, a boiling point, and then I freak the fuck out. [05:42.0 – 05:43.5] And then everyone's, like, terrified. [05:43.5 – 05:49.3] Um, so I started doing that every weekend. [05:49.3 – 05:50.3] Um, I was in high school. [05:50.3 – 05:55.8] I graduated high school a year and a half early, 'cause I, because of, uh, Adderall, honestly. [05:55.8 – 06:03.2] Um, I got prescribed Adderall because I, um, ADHD, whatever. [06:03.2 – 06:08.2] Um- I've used Adderall, but it was prescribed, so it was okay. [06:08.2 – 06:18.1] Um, and in that period of time, I got introduced to a lot of different drugs. [06:18.1 – 06:23.8] Um, um, I, I do identify as a heroin addict. [06:23.8 – 06:27.2] Heroin is what I like, it's what I want, um, it's what does it for me. [06:27.2 – 06:31.6] But I have, you know, experimented with a lot of other drugs, and I… [06:31.6 – 06:36.1] What I found is like I can't stop no matter what it is, because I don't want to feel the way that I'm feeling. [06:36.1 – 06:46.2] Um, so at some point, you know, it went from Xana, Adderall, Xanax, and finally I [06:46.2 – 06:48.2] got, um… [06:48.2 – 06:50.9] One of my friends was like, “Hey, I'm gonna go get, like, some pills from my sister. [06:50.9 – 07:00.9] I don't really know what they are.” And she was like, “Are you down?” I was like, “Yeah, sounds great.” Um, and it was Oxycontin, and I remember doing [07:00.9 – 07:03.8] it and I was like, “Holy shit.” Like, this is it. [07:03.8 – 07:06.1] This is what I'm going to do forever. [07:06.1 – 07:08.0] This is what I lo- This is… [07:08.0 – 07:09.2] I was in love. [07:09.2 – 07:19.3] Um, and, um, it's weird how, like, eventually there's [07:19.3 – 07:22.7] gonna be, like, heroin addicts that come into the room that have, like, never done Oxycontin. [07:22.7 – 07:27.8] Um, but it was like, it was a huge experience for me. [07:27.8 – 07:34.5] Um, and I kept, I kept that going, um, for a while. [07:34.5 – 07:37.6] Um, actually, my, I'm… [07:37.6 – 07:38.8] I forgot. [07:38.8 – 07:43.5] Okay, my first experience with, with opiates was when I was, um, like 14 years old. [07:43.5 – 07:45.4] I got some, like kind of sun poisoning. [07:45.4 – 07:46.3] They gave me Lortabs. [07:46.3 – 07:47.9] I still to this day don't know why. [07:47.9 – 07:49.0] It doesn't make sense to me. [07:49.0 – 07:55.8] But I remember taking one, um, at school, and then, like, throughout the day, I took half the bottle and I was like, “Oh, that's weird. [07:55.8 – 08:03.9] How'd that happen?” Um, but I never saw, like, I never saw an issue with any of the substances I used, even though I used them to excess. [08:03.9 – 08:07.4] Like, um, like I wasn't here to fuck around, you know? [08:07.4 – 08:09.4] Um, I'm not trying to get kinda high. [08:09.4 – 08:12.9] I'm trying to be, like, fucked up. [08:12.9 – 08:22.9] Um, so, so yeah, I just, uh, I began [08:22.9 – 08:23.9] doing that every day. [08:23.9 – 08:27.1] I said I'd never use a needle, but here we are. [08:27.1 – 08:30.3] Um, I was like, “That's for junkies. [08:30.3 – 08:32.1] I'm not gonna do that.” But I mean, when… [08:32.1 – 08:35.2] Eventually, you, you don't care, you know? [08:35.2 – 08:39.4] It's like I, I have to get high, and I can't get high by just snorting or taking pills anymore. [08:39.4 – 08:46.3] Um, sorry guys, I'm so nervous. [08:46.3 – 08:56.9] Um, yeah, and like a lot of, you know, I, I, um, what I would do is I'm super manipulative. [08:56.9 – 09:01.4] Um, and that's like my biggest character defect even to this day. [09:01.4 – 09:07.5] I'm super manipulative, and I would find men who had drugs and who would give me drugs. [09:07.5 – 09:17.8] Um, I would find men who would have back problems and go to the doctor and get a bunch of fucking Roxies and, you know, [09:17.8 – 09:18.9] and share it with me. [09:18.9 – 09:25.3] Um, I would do pretty much anything, um, to get high. [09:25.3 – 09:35.4] Um, some- and something happened, like, when I started doing heroin, there was just this weird drastic change where I turned into, [09:35.4 – 09:37.1] like, a completely different person. [09:37.1 – 09:40.0] And, and I started smoking crack too, which, like, doesn't help. [09:40.0 – 09:43.7] It just, it brought me down, like, so far, you know? [09:43.7 – 09:49.7] Um, you know what? [09:49.7 – 09:54.1] I remember my brother was like, “Oh my God, you're smoking crack. [09:54.1 – 09:57.1] Like, h- that's so bad.” And I'm like, “I don't know what you're talking about. [09:57.1 – 09:57.6] I think it's great. [09:57.6 – 10:03.8] Like, this is pretty normal, right?” Um, because I'm so delusional, I can't, I can't tell the truth from the false. [10:03.8 – 10:04.2] Like it's so- [10:04.3 – 10:14.4] in the book, um, and I thought my only, you know, my only heroin life was a nor- I can't remember what the fuck it says. [10:14.4 – 10:15.4] Uh, something in the big book. [10:15.4 – 10:20.1] So, um, I, um… [10:20.1 – 10:27.0] Yeah, so I went through like a cycle of men that would give me what I wanted. [10:27.0 – 10:31.0] Um, I would have sex for drugs. [10:31.0 – 10:32.9] I would steal for drugs. [10:32.9 – 10:34.1] I would steal from anybody. [10:34.1 – 10:35.7] I stole… [10:35.7 – 10:41.0] You know, doing that little, like, DVD hustle was, uh, was good for a little bit. [10:41.0 – 10:47.5] Um, the alarm goes off when you, when you push the cart out the door with a shit ton of DVDs, but you just kinda keep walking, hoping nothing happens. [10:47.5 – 10:52.9] Um, and I, I had no… [10:52.9 – 10:55.0] I didn't give a shit about anybody else. [10:55.0 – 11:02.8] Um, I stole a lot of things, um, from my mom that I cannot, that can't be replaced. [11:02.8 – 11:08.8] For the most part, I, I mean, I've never been arrested. [11:08.8 – 11:11.6] Um, I didn't have a lot of outside consequences. [11:11.6 – 11:22.3] Um, and I used to think that that was, like, I would see other people, and I'd be like, “Oh,” like, [11:22.3 – 11:24.9] “am I not, like, a good enough heroin addict?” You know? [11:24.9 – 11:26.2] But really, I'm up here to share. [11:26.2 – 11:28.0] And I was talking to my sponsor about this earlier. [11:28.0 – 11:31.5] I was like, “You know, sometimes I feel this way.” And she was like, “That's your experience. [11:31.5 – 11:41.9] You need to share it because there's gonna be somebody else in that room that's gonna hear it and have the same experience as you.” Um, yeah, so I never been arrested. [11:41.9 – 11:44.5] Um, I wrecked my car 11 times. [11:44.5 – 11:47.5] Um, I totaled it on 400. [11:47.5 – 11:49.4] I hit a stopped car going 70. [11:49.4 – 11:51.3] I have no idea how that even happened. [11:51.3 – 11:55.2] Um, and after that, it was weird. [11:55.2 – 12:00.1] I started having, like, panic attacks, and the only way that I could get them, I just kept taking drugs. [12:00.1 – 12:02.0] It was another reason for me to take drugs. [12:02.0 – 12:10.6] Um, so a lot of my consequences were, um, emotional. [12:10.6 – 12:17.7] Like, uh, I was in so much pain, and I wanted to stop, and I remember on, like, one New Year's, I was like, “I'm gonna stop doing drugs now. [12:17.7 – 12:28.1] I, I don't wanna do this anymore.” Um, and I mean, it was like the next day, I was like, “Okay, I'm withdrawing, so I need drugs right now.” [12:28.1 – 12:31.5] And then I would use the excuse that I just needed to get high because I was sick. [12:31.5 – 12:41.5] Um, you know, my, um, and I w- my, my boyfriend at the time would be like, “All right, I'm [12:41.5 – 12:47.5] gonna take this Percocet 'cause we can't find heroin.” I'm like, “I'm not doing that.” Like, I'm trying to get high, you know? [12:47.5 – 12:48.7] I'm not trying to, like… [12:48.7 – 12:52.0] I will wait it out, you know, until we get some dope. [12:52.0 – 13:01.8] Um, but, um, you know, there were, um… [13:01.8 – 13:04.8] Hmm. [13:04.8 – 13:14.8] I get really weird about, about this subject, but I feel like it needs to be said because, uh, I think it's, I think it's [13:14.8 – 13:24.2] important, um, especially for other women to hear that I was, um, I was sexually assaulted at a party where I was drunk and I was high. [13:24.2 – 13:28.7] Um, and I ca- I stayed so numb. [13:28.7 – 13:33.1] I had no idea, like, that that affected me, but it affected me in a huge way. [13:33.1 – 13:35.9] Um, it changed me as a person. [13:35.9 – 13:40.9] Um, um, but… [13:40.9 – 13:49.3] Sorry, I hate talking about that, but, but I do feel like it's important and it is part of my story. [13:49.3 – 13:57.2] But, you know, going on, um, there hit a point where I couldn't get enough money. [13:57.2 – 13:58.4] I couldn't get enough money. [13:58.4 – 13:59.8] I couldn't get enough dope. [13:59.8 – 14:02.0] I couldn't get enough alcohol. [14:02.0 – 14:02.9] I couldn't get enough crack. [14:02.9 – 14:04.2] I couldn't get enough of anything. [14:04.2 – 14:09.7] Um, and eventually, like, I'm still living with my parents, and they're just, like, so oblivious. [14:09.7 – 14:11.7] Like, I don't really understand how. [14:11.7 – 14:13.7] Um, I was a very angry person. [14:13.7 – 14:14.5] I would throw fits. [14:14.5 – 14:15.6] I would rip my hair out. [14:15.6 – 14:19.8] I would, um, I would throw things. [14:19.8 – 14:21.3] I would break all their shit. [14:21.3 – 14:31.4] Um, and they just had no idea, um, what was going on until finally, like, somehow, like, they found a bunch of my shit, whatever, and my mom was like, “Okay, [14:31.4 – 14:40.5] so, uh, I found this rehab for you, and you can go, or you can get the fuck out of my house.” And, uh, I chose to… [14:40.5 – 14:43.0] Actually, it was an outpatient detox. [14:43.0 – 14:44.1] It didn't really work out well. [14:44.1 – 14:50.0] I don't understand that concept, uh, of that because I would just go home and get high every day. [14:50.0 – 14:55.4] Eventually, I went to, like, a six-month Jesus camp. [14:55.4 – 14:57.9] Um, that didn't sit well for me. [14:57.9 – 15:01.7] Like, that, that's okay if that's, like, your idea of God, but it's not my idea of God. [15:01.7 – 15:06.7] Um, and I think I made it two weeks before I manipulated my mom into letting me come back. [15:06.7 – 15:10.9] And at that point, I, I was like, “No, I'm not gonna do heroin. [15:10.9 – 15:19.2] I'm only gonna drink, and it's gonna be fine.” Um, and from experience, it led me back to heroin because alcohol doesn't necessarily do it for me. [15:19.2 – 15:29.4] Um, so I go downtown, hit the bluff, whatever, and, um, I get high, and it, it didn't make [15:29.4 – 15:30.9] the voices stop, and it didn't work. [15:30.9 – 15:31.5] You know? [15:31.5 – 15:33.8] It, it didn't work anymore, and at that, I just… [15:33.8 – 15:35.1] First time, I don't know. [15:35.1 – 15:45.1] This was a God moment because I have never been able to, like, you know, without being separated by, like, a facility [15:45.1 – 15:49.0] or something, um, walk away from heroin, you know? [15:49.0 – 15:50.4] I went to my sponsor the next day. [15:50.4 – 15:53.3] 'Cause I was working steps while I was drinking, so it didn't really work out very well. [15:53.3 – 15:56.5] I felt really guilty, so, you know, no wonder I got fucking high. [15:56.5 – 16:00.6] But I went to my sponsor, and I was honest about everything. [16:00.6 – 16:05.1] I just spit it all out, and she was like, “You have to pick up a white chip.” And my pride was like, “Um, no, I don't. [16:05.1 – 16:05.9] That's embarrassing. [16:05.9 – 16:09.6] They're all gonna know I got high,” even though I didn't even know anybody at this meeting. [16:09.6 – 16:14.9] And I thought they were all gonna judge me because I'm self-centered, and I think that everything is about me. [16:14.9 – 16:20.2] Um- But I, I did it. [16:20.2 – 16:21.8] I did whatever she told me to do. [16:21.8 – 16:29.0] Um, she was an amazing woman, um, for dealing with my shit. [16:29.0 – 16:40.2] Um, because I was so broken and emotionally fucked up that I had to, I [16:40.2 – 16:43.0] had to call her when every little thing happened. [16:43.0 – 16:49.0] Like, I am so grateful for her that she picked up the phone, like knowing that it was just gonna be some small bullshit. [16:49.0 – 16:59.2] Um, and she took me through the steps for the first time, and I was, um, completely sober this time. [16:59.2 – 17:06.7] I didn't– Whatever she wanted me to do, like, I was gonna do it because I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling anymore. [17:06.7 – 17:08.8] I never wanted to stop doing heroin, guys. [17:08.8 – 17:11.7] Like, I would do drugs for the rest of my life if I could, but I can't. [17:11.7 – 17:16.1] Um, so I just wanted to stop feeling the way I was feeling. [17:16.1 – 17:22.0] And, um, and I've sat in these, in these meetings before. [17:22.0 – 17:25.5] Like, I've, I've tried to get sober, you know, a couple times, and it just… [17:25.5 – 17:32.9] You know, it never worked out because I would come in, and I would sit in the chair, and I would be at the meeting, and then I would leave. [17:32.9 – 17:35.2] I never got connected with anybody. [17:35.2 – 17:37.6] I never got a sponsor, and I never actually worked the program. [17:37.6 – 17:47.6] Um, and when we, when we started the steps, [17:47.6 – 17:58.0] she explained to me that, uh, there is a three-part disease that is, um, the spiritual malady, mental obsession, [17:58.0 – 18:02.8] and, um, mental obsession, allergy. [18:02.8 – 18:04.3] Spiritual malady, okay. [18:04.3 – 18:12.3] Um, and that was a really powerful experience to me to learn, like, you know, like, “This is a disease. [18:12.3 – 18:14.3] You're not broken, you know? [18:14.3 – 18:24.7] Um, and you can get better.” And I felt like a huge relief because, uh, I felt like I could understand myself a little more and, like, what exactly, [18:24.7 – 18:28.4] um, was going on with me. [18:28.4 – 18:34.0] Um, and I don't know. [18:34.0 – 18:44.1] Step one is just such– It was just such an amazing experience to me, and it was so important to me that I learn those things because I, you know, while, you know, my mom and, like, [18:44.1 – 18:54.1] all these counselors would be like, “All right, there's this underlying reason why you get high, and I want to– we want to know what it is,” and I would just look at them because I was like, “I just [18:54.1 – 18:58.1] like to get high.” You know, we like the effect produced by heroin. [18:58.1 – 19:08.3] Um, you know, it says that in the book, and when I read that, I was like, “Holy shit, I've been saying that my whole life, and no one understood what I was saying.” Um, [19:08.3 – 19:17.1] yeah, so, yeah, the last time– I mean, the last time I got sober, I got sober in these rooms. [19:17.1 – 19:21.1] I wasn't, um– My parents don't have money. [19:21.1 – 19:23.9] I was not on, uh, insurance. [19:23.9 – 19:26.8] I've never been on their insurance, um, or anything like that. [19:26.8 – 19:30.4] Um, I just had to come, I just had to come to the rooms and get sober. [19:30.4 – 19:36.0] Um, I don't recommend, like, detoxing and getting sober at your mom's house. [19:36.0 – 19:37.5] It's, it's very hard. [19:37.5 – 19:40.0] But in my experience, it can be done. [19:40.0 – 19:51.6] Um, but there was something special about [19:51.6 – 19:59.6] coming to HA because I would go, you know, I would– I started going to meetings. [19:59.6 – 20:03.1] Um, my brother was on drug court, so I was like, “Fuck it, I'll go to these meetings,” you know? [20:03.1 – 20:04.9] And we would go to coming group, and it was just… [20:04.9 – 20:08.4] You know, and there's nothing wrong with it, but those just aren't– I couldn't [20:08.9 – 20:11.5] And at that time, I couldn't identify with them. [20:11.5 – 20:14.2] Um, they were older, they were alcoholics. [20:14.2 – 20:18.5] Um, I didn't, at that time, I didn't find any other heroin addicts in the room. [20:18.5 – 20:23.5] And, um, a friend of mine was, uh, in treatment. [20:23.5 – 20:25.8] She was like, “Dude, I'm going to this Heroin Anonymous meeting. [20:25.8 – 20:35.9] Do you wanna come?” And I was like, “Yeah.” Like, “That sounds fucking badass.” And for, and for the first time, like, I sat like in the rooms, and I was like, “Oh, my God, these people are like me.” [20:35.9 – 20:37.2] You know? [20:37.2 – 20:44.9] They, they, they understand what it's like to, um, you know, get sober- Mm-hmm … [20:44.9 – 20:52.4] as a heroin addict, detox as a heroin addict, you know, and experience and all these things that I, I was e- experiencing. [20:52.4 – 21:00.3] Um, and identification really helped me, because I think without, without that meeting, I would have never gotten sober when I did. [21:00.3 – 21:10.7] Um, and I would have never picked up the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous ever, um, you know, until, until I came, you know, into this fellowship. [21:10.7 – 21:18.2] Um, and I really dove into the work, and I really loved, um, I really loved g- you know, HA grew a little bit. [21:18.2 – 21:21.1] Um, there were other meetings I was a part of. [21:21.1 – 21:27.3] I was super, super, super involved, um, you know, in service, and, and I was really happy. [21:27.3 – 21:29.0] And for the first time, I was like… [21:29.0 – 21:34.5] I remember, um, like I… [21:34.5 – 21:43.5] I don't remember what I was doing, but I remember that I was laughing, and I was like, “This is a genuine thing right now. [21:43.5 – 21:52.7] Like, I'm laughing and I'm happy.” Um, and it was a freedom that I hadn't really experienced ever in my life. [21:52.7 – 21:59.2] Um, but, um… [21:59.2 – 22:09.8] So I continued, um, the steps with her, um, [22:09.8 – 22:11.7] my sponsor, and she, um… [22:11.7 – 22:17.2] So many things sounded really overwhelming to me. [22:17.2 – 22:26.7] Like, they would say, “Turn your will and your life over to the care of God.” And I was like, “What d- like, what does that mean?” I didn't understand it. [22:26.7 – 22:27.6] I was super overwhelmed. [22:27.6 – 22:38.5] And, and she just sat down and she, with me, and she was like, “You know, you know, you don't know what God's will is, but you probably have a good idea of what God's will isn't.” Um, [22:38.5 – 22:41.7] and, and I like that it didn't have to be… [22:41.7 – 22:43.2] It's a God of my understanding. [22:43.2 – 22:52.9] It didn't have to be a God of, you know, a church or, or anything like that, because I came in resentful at church and religion, like a lot of people. [22:52.9 – 23:03.1] Um, and I, I absolutely love the concept of God, and I, and I wrote down like what I needed from God and what my God looked like to me, and it was a really [23:03.1 – 23:04.1] cool experience. [23:04.1 – 23:13.0] Um, I kinda go through the steps a little bit, like, you know, um, some people hate that. [23:13.0 – 23:14.0] I, I don't really care. [23:14.0 – 23:20.2] So, um, one of the… [23:20.2 – 23:22.0] I went to, um… [23:22.0 – 23:32.1] I started doing my fourth step, and I'm writing it down, and, and people freak out about it, and I, and I understand, but I had this amazing experience doing [23:32.1 – 23:43.7] it, because I have all this anger and all this re- all this emotion and all these feelings that are kind of blocking me from God, because I can't see the truth in the situation. [23:43.7 – 23:52.9] So I felt like after that, I was like, “I believe that this is what,” you know, the fifth step promises came true to me, and I know a lot of people don't have an experience like that with the fifth step. [23:52.9 – 23:56.0] Um, but I definitely did. [23:56.0 – 23:59.4] Um, it was such an eye-open, like eye-opening experience. [23:59.4 – 24:06.7] Um, and it gave me such a new perspective on people and the world I live in and my interactions with other people. [24:06.7 – 24:16.9] Um, and that's when I s- I was like, “Okay, I think I'm gonna stay.” [24:16.9 – 24:18.1] You know? [24:18.1 – 24:28.8] “I think I'm gonna stay, and I think I belong here, and I think I'm gonna do this.” Um, and, you know, I w- I, [24:28.8 – 24:38.9] I woke up one day, and I, I realized that I didn't wake up thinking, “How am I gonna get high today?” [24:38.9 – 24:40.6] I didn't wake up thinking about drugs. [24:40.6 – 24:44.6] I didn't wake up thinking about, “Who am I gonna steal money from to get drugs? [24:44.6 – 24:47.4] Who am I gonna have to fuck to get drugs?” You know? [24:47.4 – 24:56.5] Um, and I, a- and I ha- I've gained a lot of things in sobriety, physical things and stuff like that. [24:56.5 – 25:01.6] Like, I'm fuck- somebody wants to fucking marry me, and like I have a car, apartment, whatever. [25:01.6 – 25:11.8] And, um, but I, and I always say this, because it, the be- the, the biggest gift that I've received from this [25:11.8 – 25:19.2] program is that the mental obsession has been removed, and I can wake up, and I can think about other things, and I can live a normal life. [25:19.2 – 25:23.9] Like, of course, like that stuff's like cool or whatever, like a job and things. [25:23.9 – 25:27.2] Um, but I don't know. [25:27.2 – 25:37.3] I, like I said, I suffered so many, like, emotional consequences versus outside consequences that stuff like that, I was like, “Holy shit, this is,” [25:37.3 – 25:49.2] you know, “this is awesome.” Um, so just [25:49.2 – 25:55.2] because I got sober doesn't mean that life still doesn't happen. [25:55.2 – 26:03.6] Um, I've been through some things in sobriety that were heart-wrenching. [26:03.6 – 26:13.7] Um, I can't remem- so, um- I can't remember when it was or how long sober I was, but [26:13.7 – 26:18.2] I, um, I got a phone call that my best friend died of a heroin overdose. [26:18.2 – 26:22.2] And I'm gonna cry, like I'm so emotional right now. [26:22.2 – 26:22.8] Oh my God. [26:22.8 – 26:26.8] So, um, I don't know what's going on. [26:26.8 – 26:28.5] I've been crying all the time. [26:28.5 – 26:32.7] But, um, I walked in, I didn't know… [26:32.7 – 26:39.1] I drove straight to Coming Group because I didn't know what else to do, and I knew they had a speaker meeting, and I knew I needed to be around people. [26:39.1 – 26:49.7] Um, and when I walked through the door, um, someone was there to hold me, you know, [26:49.7 – 26:50.3] while I cried. [26:50.3 – 26:55.4] Um, and I didn't– I used to not let people do that. [26:55.4 – 26:57.1] Like, I, I don't… [26:57.1 – 27:00.5] I will have a wall, like, “I don't want you to see me like this. [27:00.5 – 27:07.9] I don't want, you know, I don't want you to show me love or anything like that,” because I couldn't ac-accept love from people 'cause I didn't love myself, you know? [27:07.9 – 27:17.9] And I let this woman hold me while I cried, and that was, that was a powerful experience [27:17.9 – 27:21.0] for me because, um, when I was… [27:21.0 – 27:27.0] If something like this happened when I was using, like I would have had no one to call that would give a fuck. [27:27.0 – 27:31.7] Um, I had burned so many bridges with people, you know? [27:31.7 – 27:35.6] They, people wanted nothing to do with me, and now I can understand why. [27:35.6 – 27:44.6] Um, and you know, and a, a couple years later, you know, I lost another best friend to a heroin overdose. [27:44.6 – 27:54.6] And, um, and I've had to, I had to, I had to cut him out [27:54.6 – 28:03.1] of my life, um, for a long period of time because, um, I didn't… [28:03.1 – 28:11.6] I– Like I, I'm here, I'll, I'll be here to help you, but I'm not gonna contribute to what you're doing. [28:11.6 – 28:13.2] I'm not gonna enable what you're doing. [28:13.2 – 28:16.0] And it's like the same thing with my brother, you know, when he's in active addiction. [28:16.0 – 28:26.2] Like he, um, he called me one time, and he was like, “Hey.” It was like, dude, it was like thirteen degrees outside or something, like it was fucking really cold. [28:26.2 – 28:33.5] And he called me, and he was like, “Hey, I'm really cold, and I need somewhere to stay.” I was like, “No, you can't stay with me.” You know? [28:33.5 – 28:43.6] Um, and these are things that I've learned, you know, from, from being in the rooms and learned from other people, hearing their experience, strength, and hope with other [28:43.6 – 28:44.7] situations like that. [28:44.7 – 28:51.8] And, um, um… [28:51.8 – 28:58.6] Yeah, it, um, life still happens. [28:58.6 – 29:04.6] You know, I thought, I, I thought that I would get sober, and it would be like this white picket fence, and everything would be fine because I'm sober. [29:04.6 – 29:08.1] You know, like, “I'm sober, so you guys have to act right. [29:08.1 – 29:18.1] You guys have to do what I want.” Um, you know, it talks about the actor and, in the big book and, um, “And if only you guys would do [29:18.1 – 29:27.6] what I want you to do, and only if I had this job, and only if I had this boyfriend, and only if I had this car,” or whatever it is, like I would be happy, and I've found from experience that is not true. [29:27.6 – 29:34.1] Um, I have absolutely made men my higher power before in this program. [29:34.1 – 29:36.8] Um, it made me… [29:36.8 – 29:40.1] It, like, broke me at one point. [29:40.1 – 29:48.6] Like I was like, “I cannot keep doing this to myself.” Um, and then, you know, I, I met Kendall, and I had this, um… [29:48.6 – 29:52.7] She was my sponsor for a little bit, and then I, I dumped her 'cause she was my best friend. [29:52.7 – 29:54.0] But, you know. [29:54.0 – 30:04.4] Um, she taught me that, uh, I can love myself. [30:04.4 – 30:06.0] I don't have to do things like that. [30:06.0 – 30:09.6] People can, you know, do what I was doing and be okay, but I cannot. [30:09.6 – 30:12.6] Um, she taught me a lot about myself, that I'm not a doormat- [30:13.1 – 30:13.5] that to people. [30:13.5 – 30:22.6] Um, and a direct reflection of my self-esteem is how I let people treat me. [30:22.6 – 30:32.3] Um, and I think that experience helped me really love myself for the first time. [30:32.3 – 30:42.4] You know, I was like, I think I was like two years sober at this point, too, and I, you know, and I finally learned to love myself and be, and be okay in my [30:42.4 – 30:44.8] skin, and it took me a little bit of time. [30:44.8 – 30:49.1] Um, but, but yeah, it was awesome. [30:49.1 – 30:59.6] Um, I, um, I always have, um, a different experience, [30:59.6 – 31:02.2] uh, every time going through the steps. [31:02.2 – 31:12.2] If I stay open-minded, I typically have a good experience, um, until my ego comes in, um, and, and it [31:12.2 – 31:13.6] kind of fucks everything up. [31:13.6 – 31:17.0] Um, I went through a period where I wasn't going to meetings, I wasn't praying. [31:17.0 – 31:23.3] I barely had a sponsor, and if I did have a sponsor, I would just call her and tell her how miserable I was all the time. [31:23.3 – 31:31.8] Um, and I, uh, I went through a really, really, really dark period. [31:31.8 – 31:33.2] I got fired from my job. [31:33.2 – 31:34.8] I had to go to the psych ward. [31:34.8 – 31:36.6] Like, it was this whole thing, you guys. [31:36.6 – 31:45.4] Like, it was, it was a lot, and like, that showed me that, like, it doesn't matter that, like, I, I had like four years sober or something. [31:45.4 – 31:46.9] It doesn't matter. [31:46.9 – 31:51.7] Um, I can still get sick and miserable in this program if I don't keep up with my shit. [31:51.7 – 31:57.7] Um, and, you know, I stayed miserable for like a little bit after that. [31:57.7 – 32:05.4] Um, and then I had to, I had to start working again, and I had to do it hard. [32:05.4 – 32:07.9] I had, I had to do it harder than I've ever done it before. [32:07.9 – 32:16.1] Um, but it brought me back to a place of, like, being okay. [32:16.1 – 32:18.5] Um, it's hot as fuck in here. [32:18.5 – 32:20.8] Oh my God. [32:20.8 – 32:21.4] Thank you. [32:21.4 – 32:22.2] I am sweating. [32:22.2 – 32:25.0] Um- You want air, Michael? [32:25.0 – 32:27.1] I, I don't know how. [32:27.1 – 32:30.2] I couldn't even turn it off. [32:30.2 – 32:32.7] We got the white neck here. [32:32.7 – 32:33.9] Oh, my God. [32:33.9 – 32:37.2] Perfect. [32:37.2 – 32:38.3] Oh, there we go. [32:38.3 – 32:38.6] Okay. [32:38.6 – 32:40.6] Um, I don't even remember what I was talking about. [32:40.6 – 32:47.0] Um, oh yeah, coming to, coming to the program, coming back to the program. [32:47.0 – 32:57.4] Um, 'cause what I'll do is I'm super dramatic, and there was a situation where something happened to me, and it wasn't okay. [32:57.4 – 33:07.6] And, uh, some women went and told [33:07.6 – 33:17.6] some people about it, and I got mad, so I was like, “Okay, I hate every woman in this program because one of them pissed me off.” Like, that's how dramatic I can be, and that's when I kinda like, I [33:17.6 – 33:26.9] was kinda like, “Fuck this,” and it, it was just like a, it was just like a little thing, but, like, my disease was kind of taking over, you know, because I had no, I had no defense, right? [33:26.9 – 33:30.4] Because I have to… [33:30.4 – 33:41.7] Still to this day, I, I have to have a, I have to have a defense against the first drink or the first shot [33:41.7 – 33:46.4] of dope or whatever, um, because without that, I'm fucked. [33:46.4 – 33:51.8] Um, and I've, I've done a lot of things to try to get sober. [33:51.8 – 33:54.8] You know, methadone, whatever. [33:54.8 – 33:59.6] Um, not saying anything about, about that. [33:59.6 – 34:02.6] That's, if that's what you do, that's great, but for me, it doesn't work. [34:02.6 – 34:08.1] Um, I never wanna put something out there that, um, isn't… [34:08.1 – 34:11.0] I, I wanna share just my experience, and I wanna keep it real. [34:11.0 – 34:18.0] Um, and nothing has done for me what this program has done. [34:18.0 – 34:28.0] Um, and I don't know, it really, it really changed my life when I, when I stopped sitting, just sitting in a meeting, you know, and I picked up the [34:28.0 – 34:28.3] book. [34:28.3 – 34:36.0] Um, and I worked through the steps, and I got all that shit out of the way, and I got a connection with God, and, you know, and I wasn't a… [34:36.0 – 34:40.8] I wasn't waking up wanting to do drugs. [34:40.8 – 34:46.4] But, um, I remember I had, um, I think I had, like, eight months sober. [34:46.4 – 34:48.3] I was with, like, a safe group of people. [34:48.3 – 34:49.6] They were, like, normal. [34:49.6 – 34:50.8] It was, like, a birthday party. [34:50.8 – 34:51.8] Like, they drank a little bit. [34:51.8 – 34:53.2] They smoked pot, you know, whatever. [34:53.2 – 35:03.9] And I had a lot of fun, and I stayed sober, and I remember leaving, and I was like, I was like, “Oh my God,” like, I had a lot of fun, and I never [35:03.9 – 35:09.5] once thought about picking up anything they had in there. [35:09.5 – 35:12.8] Um, and it was such a good feeling. [35:12.8 – 35:23.0] Um, so, um, where I'm at now is, like, uh, [35:23.0 – 35:28.1] I'm currently doing another inventory. [35:28.1 – 35:34.5] Um, I let it slack a little bit again, uh, because I'm really mad, and I'm really fucking angry. [35:34.5 – 35:39.4] Um, and for me, anger… [35:39.4 – 35:48.3] It's not that I'm angry, it's that I'm sad, but I don't want you to know I'm sad, so I'm just gonna tell you to fuck off. [35:48.3 – 35:56.6] Um, and I think that's why I'm feeling a little crazy right now, because, I mean, there's a lot of people. [35:56.6 – 35:59.3] There's a lot of people on this inventory. [35:59.3 – 36:06.4] Um, it's going really, really, really deep, um, and I know it's gonna be, like, an amazing experience, and I'm really excited for it, honestly. [36:06.4 – 36:12.4] Um, but yeah, I have a, I have a job I show up to. [36:12.4 – 36:15.5] I show up on time, um, which is cool. [36:15.5 – 36:22.3] Um- I work with some people in recovery, and it, and it's really awesome. [36:22.3 – 36:27.2] Um, I have an amazing boss. [36:27.2 – 36:34.7] I have an amazing fiancé that loves me even though I will freak out and throw a bunch of shit sometimes. [36:34.7 – 36:44.9] Um, and I have an amazing group of friends, and I, I never– I've never experienced true friendship before like I have, like, [36:44.9 – 36:45.8] like I have now. [36:45.8 – 36:49.0] Um, 'cause like I said, I really didn't have a lot of friends. [36:49.0 – 36:55.4] I had a lot of friends, like, that I would get high with, but they're addicts. [36:55.4 – 36:57.2] You know, I turn around, and they steal my shit. [36:57.2 – 37:06.1] Um, and I have people who will, who will be there for me when I need them, even, you know, no matter how I show up. [37:06.1 – 37:16.3] Um, the unconditional love that is shown from the people in these rooms is amazing, um, 'cause sometimes I can show up really [37:16.3 – 37:17.0] fucked up. [37:17.0 – 37:20.3] Um, and they love me anyway, and they love me through it. [37:20.3 – 37:30.2] Um, I'm gonna read something out of the book, and then I'm gonna stop talking. [37:30.2 – 37:38.4] So, um, I always love this passit– uh, passage in the book, if I can get to it. [37:38.4 – 37:43.0] Um, okay. [37:43.0 – 37:44.7] It's in the chapter A Vision for You. [37:44.7 – 37:53.7] Um, it says, “We have shown how we got from under. [37:53.7 – 38:02.7] You say, 'Yes, I'm willing, but am I to be cosigned to a life where I should, I shall be stupid, boring, glum, and like some righteous people I see? [38:02.7 – 38:07.2] I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I?' Heroin. [38:07.2 – 38:11.5] Um, have you a sufficient substitute? [38:11.5 – 38:14.9] Yes, there is a substitute, and it is vastly more than that. [38:14.9 – 38:17.4] It is a fellowship in Her- in Heroin Anonymous. [38:17.4 – 38:20.2] There you will find release from care, boredom, and worry. [38:20.2 – 38:21.6] Your imagination will be fired. [38:21.6 – 38:24.0] Life will mean something at last. [38:24.0 – 38:28.7] The most satisfactory years of your life lie ahead, thus we find the fellowship and so will you. [38:28.7 – 38:32.2] 'How is that to come?' you ask. [38:32.2 – 38:36.7] 'Where am I to find these people?' You are going to meet new friends in your own community. [38:36.7 – 38:41.1] Near you, heroin addicts are dying helplessly like people sinking in a ship. [38:41.1 – 38:46.2] If you live in a large area, places there are hundreds, high and low, rich and poor. [38:46.2 – 38:49.5] These are future fellows of Heroin Anonymous. [38:49.5 – 38:51.5] Among those you will make lifelong friends. [38:51.5 – 38:59.3] You'll be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together, and you will commence shoulder to shoulder in your common journey. [38:59.3 – 39:09.6] Then you will know what it means to give yourself to– means to give of yourself so that others may survive [39:09.6 – 39:10.7] and rediscover life. [39:10.7 – 39:20.8] You will learn the full meaning of love thy neighbor as l– as thyself.” Um, these promises have [39:20.8 – 39:27.1] absolutely come true for me as long as I stay in the work and keep working with a sponsor. [39:27.1 – 39:38.8] Um, if there's anyone new in here, if, um… [39:38.8 – 39:49.0] If this– If, if you work the steps thoroughly and honestly and it doesn't work for you, dope [39:49.0 – 39:49.9] will always be there. [39:49.9 – 39:59.9] But from my experience, um, you won't always be able to sit in the, in the chair you're sitting in, uh, because people like [39:59.9 – 40:02.8] us don't make it, you know? [40:02.8 – 40:09.1] Um, I'm gonna stop now.