Transcript

[00:00.1 – 00:00.6] speaker meeting. [00:00.6 – 00:01.7] This is Carly. [00:01.7 – 00:02.5] Hello. [00:02.5 – 00:06.1] And she's gonna share her story with us tonight, how she got clean. [00:06.1 – 00:07.9] Thank you for letting me speak. [00:07.9 – 00:08.1] Mm-hmm. [00:08.1 – 00:08.6] I'm Carly. [00:08.6 – 00:09.3] I'm a heroin addict. [00:09.3 – 00:10.0] Hi, Carly. [00:10.0 – 00:10.6] Hi. [00:10.6 – 00:12.6] I'm grateful to be here. [00:12.6 – 00:15.8] Um, happy birthday. [00:15.8 – 00:18.4] Congratulations on three years. [00:18.4 – 00:19.9] That's a- Congratulations … [00:19.9 – 00:21.9] that's a big deal, and welcome to the newcomers. [00:21.9 – 00:23.2] That's even a bigger deal. [00:23.2 – 00:23.4] Mm-hmm. [00:23.4 – 00:33.4] Um, I remember when I walked into this room a little over seven years ago, um, and I could not picture what my life would be like [00:33.4 – 00:35.0] with heroin or without heroin. [00:35.0 – 00:45.6] Um, I constantly thought I had to have some sort of drug or alcohol that was gonna take me out of myself, um, [00:45.6 – 00:47.6] because simply put, I just didn't like who I was. [00:47.6 – 00:54.5] Um, you know, and we can trail it back to childhood and all of this stuff, um, but I have to keep it simple. [00:54.5 – 00:56.8] Um, and I didn't know how to love myself. [00:56.8 – 01:06.8] Um, I didn't know how to love other people, and in my own head, I guess, uh, the way I thought I could feel that unity with others was [01:06.8 – 01:08.1] by doing the things that they did. [01:08.1 – 01:17.0] So when I surrounded myself with people that, you know, did good things, um, I was able to, like, camouflage in with that group of people. [01:17.0 – 01:27.1] When I surrounded myself with people that were, um, you know, drinking and getting high and stealing and, um, and all of that stuff that comes with active addiction, I was doing that. [01:27.1 – 01:30.3] Um, and eventually the, there was no back and forth. [01:30.3 – 01:36.3] It was just, like, one way, um, and for me, that active addiction took over pretty early on. [01:36.3 – 01:39.6] Um, I grew up about 20 minutes outside of St. [01:39.6 – 01:42.7] Louis, um, and we would come to the city. [01:42.7 – 01:50.0] My mom owned a hair salon, and, um, and we would come to the city, and I remember, like, me and my sister, we'd get on the bus, and we'd ride around, and we'd go to the zoo. [01:50.0 – 01:56.9] And, um, we were pretty independent for young kids, probably too much so, um, out of necessity more than anything. [01:56.9 – 02:04.0] Um, but I always, um, I always felt like this was kind of like a second home for me. [02:04.0 – 02:09.0] Um, and it also allowed me to live this, like, sort of double life easy. [02:09.0 – 02:19.8] I would come to the city and get high, and then I would go back home into the county and kind of keep this, “As long as everything looks good on the outside, it's good,” um, [02:19.9 – 02:21.3] kind of like persona going. [02:21.3 – 02:29.6] Um, the first time I experienced drugs or alcohol in my life, I was 12 years old. [02:29.6 – 02:40.3] Um, my dad had just gone to rehab in Texas after, um, quite a few years, uh, worth of alcoholism [02:40.3 – 02:41.8] and crack addiction. [02:41.8 – 02:44.2] Um, and I was like that kid. [02:44.2 – 02:48.5] I'm like, “I know what drugs and alcohol do to a family, and I… [02:48.5 – 02:49.5] You don't have to worry about me. [02:49.5 – 02:50.8] Like, I'm not gonna smoke a joint. [02:50.8 – 02:57.9] I'm not gonna drink beer.” Like, he has, like, letters still to this day of, like, little 12-year-old me writing that kind of stuff to him while he was away. [02:57.9 – 03:08.4] Um, and, um, yeah, so, so I was never gonna be that kid, you know, um, [03:08.4 – 03:18.5] because I saw a direct, like the direct relation of how it affected the people around me, which is, like, one of the biggest lies we tell ourself when we're getting high is like, “Well, it's not hurting [03:18.5 – 03:19.7] anyone except for me. [03:19.7 – 03:22.2] Like, you guys are, you guys are fine,” you know? [03:22.2 – 03:25.2] Um, so he went out to rehab. [03:25.2 – 03:31.4] He, he went to Texas for a few months, um, and by the time he came back to St. [03:31.4 – 03:33.6] Louis, he lived in transitional living. [03:33.6 – 03:41.3] So it had been probably, like, a solid six months, um, and he came back, and he was totally infused in the program, and I was getting high. [03:41.3 – 03:43.6] Um, so, like, it really… [03:43.6 – 03:45.3] Like, we just butted heads constantly. [03:45.3 – 03:51.7] Um, I started smoking weed and drinking Country Club Vodka, and that was, like, my first experience. [03:51.7 – 03:55.3] Um, like, the big old, like, plastic handle. [03:55.3 – 04:01.7] Um, it was the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted in my life, but I liked the way that it made me feel, so I took another drink. [04:01.7 – 04:12.1] Um, and I didn't see the effects of my choices and my actions, [04:12.1 – 04:18.1] um, right away because I had this idea in my head of what an alcoholic and a drug addict looks like, you know? [04:18.1 – 04:28.4] Um, and I, when I thought of that, I thought total chaos in the family home, money's going missing, leaving for days, and I'm like, “I can drink this Country Club Vodka, [04:28.4 – 04:31.9] and I just feel good.” Um, and that's, that's it. [04:31.9 – 04:34.4] Like, who doesn't want that, you know? [04:34.4 – 04:44.7] Um, so I continued on, and, and I guess, like, my mantra throughout, like, the rest of middle school and high school was, “You can't knock it if you try it.” Um, [04:44.7 – 04:47.7] and that's kind of like how I looked at drugs and alcohol. [04:47.7 – 04:52.0] But I was never gonna smoke crack 'cause my dad was a crack head, and that was, like, the one… [04:52.0 – 04:57.6] Like, the line, you know, um, that, you know, the lines in the sand that we all draw- Mm-hmm … [04:57.6 – 04:59.3] and usually pass at some point. [04:59.3 – 05:03.2] Um, so yeah, I started doing that. [05:03.2 – 05:13.2] I got reconstructive knee surgery at eighth grade, um, in eighth grade, and it kind of, like, opened my world up, um, to pills [05:13.2 – 05:15.4] and, and pain meds and all that kind of stuff. [05:15.4 – 05:25.5] And, um, I don't know if that was, like, a leading thing to use heroin because I didn't have, like, this crazy pill habit when I was, like, gonna go seek out heroin, um, [05:25.5 – 05:27.3] for the first time or whatever. [05:27.3 – 05:35.8] Um, but again, it just kind of, like, opened this door to people that had access to harder drugs, and for me, I was like… [05:35.8 – 05:38.6] It was like the golden ticket to, like, the chocolate factory, you know? [05:38.6 – 05:40.3] Um, I felt like, “I'm in,” you know? [05:40.3 – 05:49.1] “This is what I wanna do.” Um, and I continued that throughout, throughout middle school, just taking pills and, and that sort of thing. [05:49.1 – 05:59.2] Um, and I was a cheerleader, and I got good grades, and I was, like, a decently good kid for the most part, and then I had this other side [05:59.2 – 06:00.7] of me that, like, really nobody knew about. [06:00.7 – 06:05.0] And I really, like, romanticized that, like, dark side. [06:05.0 – 06:11.4] Um, like, I felt like I had a secret from the rest of the world, um, and that I could hold onto that. [06:11.4 – 06:18.0] I don't know if anyone else has felt like that before, but, uh, it was, like, really, like, empowering to me to, like, lead this double life, you know? [06:18.0 – 06:28.2] Um, and by freshman year of high school, um, things were getting, like, a little more progressive, a lot more progressive. [06:28.2 – 06:38.8] By the time I was 15, I had sh- uh, shot heroin for the first time, and it was kind of the situation of, um, you know, I'm, like, this little 15-year-old. [06:38.8 – 06:42.2] It's so sick now that I think about it, but back then I thought it was, like, cool as shit. [06:42.2 – 06:44.1] You know, I'm hanging out with dudes twice my age. [06:44.1 – 06:46.8] Um, you know, they have their own house. [06:46.8 – 06:48.1] They have all their own drugs. [06:48.1 – 06:49.4] They give me drugs for free. [06:49.4 – 06:51.6] Um, and I'm like, “I'm set. [06:51.6 – 06:54.2] Like, this is what, this is where I'm gonna be for the rest of my life. [06:54.2 – 06:55.4] Like, this is good,” you know? [06:55.4 – 07:00.2] Um, and eventually, like, the whole weekend warrior thing kinda went away. [07:00.2 – 07:02.6] Um, I found… [07:02.6 – 07:11.0] I kind of stumbled upon heroin one night in, in the middle of, you know, things and, um, and the g- and the guy… [07:11.0 – 07:11.9] I'll never forget this. [07:11.9 – 07:13.8] The guy that, um… [07:13.8 – 07:17.1] Like, I walked in on him shooting up, and I was like, “What's that?” You know? [07:17.1 – 07:19.5] “I thought you said all the drugs were gone,” you know? [07:19.5 – 07:29.5] Um, and he told me it was heroin, but the first thing out of my mouth was, “I've never tried that before.” Um, and this dude had been shooting dope for, like, 8 or 10 years, and he was like, “You [07:29.5 – 07:30.2] don't wanna do this. [07:30.2 – 07:33.6] You don't wanna do this.” Like, while he's sticking a needle in his arm, I'm like, “You're doing it. [07:33.6 – 07:34.8] Like, it's fine,” you know? [07:34.8 – 07:39.9] And, um, and, uh, and I tried heroin for the first time that night, and it, you know, I don't know. [07:39.9 – 07:44.4] As cliche as it sounds, like, oh, it was everything I've ever been looking for in drugs, you know? [07:44.4 – 07:52.2] Um, I thought it took me to another level, like, of that, like, drug, like, ego that we get, like, that junkie pride if you wanna call it that. [07:52.2 – 07:56.7] Um, it kind of took me to, like, that darker, like, that darker s- [07:56.8 – 07:57.6] side of things. [07:57.6 – 08:00.3] Um, and bottom line, I liked the way that it made me feel. [08:00.3 – 08:07.4] Just like every other thing that I put into my body, um, whether it was weed, Xanax, heroin, it didn't matter. [08:07.4 – 08:11.4] Um, I liked the prod- the effects produced by drugs and alcohol. [08:11.4 – 08:14.2] Um, so I continued… [08:14.2 – 08:14.9] Is that a hair? [08:14.9 – 08:15.6] That's okay. [08:15.6 – 08:16.6] I shed like crazy. [08:16.6 – 08:22.2] Um, so I continued to do heroin at 15 years old, pretty regularly. [08:22.2 – 08:24.6] Um, things got, um… [08:24.6 – 08:26.3] You know, this disease is progressive. [08:26.3 – 08:31.2] It's cunning, baffling and powerful, and things went downhill for me pretty quickly. [08:31.2 – 08:36.6] Um, early on 15, I experienced my first overdose. [08:36.6 – 08:37.9] I was in the ICU for, like, a week. [08:37.9 – 08:41.8] Uh, my parents thought, like, oh, it scared me enough that I wasn't gonna do it again. [08:41.8 – 08:51.0] Um, and, you know, lo and behold, like the drug addicts that we are, um, unless we have a spiritual solution, we go back to what we know. [08:51.0 – 08:53.5] Um, so that's what I did. [08:53.5 – 08:58.0] Uh, you know, another overdose later and a few rehabs later and all that stuff. [08:58.0 – 09:08.4] Um, finally, my parents are, are fed up with it, and they really don't know what else to do because I'm doing all the things that we know how to do best, like stealing and manipulating [09:08.4 – 09:12.2] and lying and, um, being selfish and self-centered. [09:12.2 – 09:16.6] Um, and I, I was gonna s- like, I found that, like, early on. [09:16.6 – 09:21.4] You know, it was like, “I'm gonna get high because I wanna get high,” and like, “If you wanna kick me out of the house, that's fine. [09:21.4 – 09:30.1] Like, I'm going to get high.” Um, so at 16 years old, I found myself, um, living on the streets which was not for me. [09:30.1 – 09:31.2] I was not built for the streets. [09:31.2 – 09:32.9] I don't know if any of us really are. [09:32.9 – 09:43.1] Um, but I was just, you know, doing whatever it took to, to get right, and that consisted of breaking into cars and all of that [09:43.1 – 09:47.3] stuff, and sleeping with people I shouldn't have been sleeping with for drugs and you know how it goes. [09:47.3 – 09:49.9] Um, it was just whatever it took. [09:49.9 – 09:54.2] Um, and it made sense to me because this is what I'm here to do. [09:54.2 – 10:03.0] Like, this is why I'm put on this earth, to be a heroin addict and to live my life as a heroin addict, and I was fully convinced that that's what it was gonna be. [10:03.0 – 10:09.2] Um, even though I had seen directly that the 12 steps work. [10:09.2 – 10:10.7] You know, my dad was in the program. [10:10.7 – 10:15.1] Like, I mean, he still is, but I had seen that the 12 steps work for people in their lives. [10:15.1 – 10:17.4] Um, I just thought it wasn't gonna work for me. [10:17.4 – 10:19.6] I was constantly looking for the differences. [10:19.6 – 10:29.9] Um, so just a few moments in active addiction, and I'll move on from this after that, um, that were kind of… [10:29.9 – 10:40.3] Looking back now, I kinda see, like, the, the turning points or, like, my higher power, like, um, interjecting itself, um, [10:40.3 – 10:44.0] was the first two times I OD'd were both at home. [10:44.0 – 10:47.3] Um, I was taken to the hospital. [10:47.3 – 10:49.0] I was treated. [10:49.0 – 10:52.8] Well, I was treated for an overdose, um, and then I was discharged and I left. [10:52.8 – 11:02.8] The third time was in the dope man's parking lot, and I'd been homeless for a few weeks at this point, um, with people that really didn't give a shit about me, just like [11:02.8 – 11:04.1] they didn't give a shit about themselves. [11:04.1 – 11:06.8] Um, and I didn't have anywhere to go, you know? [11:06.8 – 11:14.8] Um, and looking back on that, like, those moments are pretty powerful for me, because it reminds me of, like, the progression of this disease. [11:14.8 – 11:24.8] Um, another time is, um, when I was living in this motel, you know, like, a [11:24.8 – 11:26.5] week past, like, what we had paid for. [11:26.5 – 11:36.5] Um, and I'm, like, there with my boyfriend or whatever you wanna call him, getting high, and I'm also, you know, walking four doors down and hanging out with [11:36.5 – 11:47.0] that guy and getting high and, um, and, and we're, like, having a full-on conversation about how bad we wanna get sober and how bad we wanna stay sober. [11:47.0 – 11:49.8] And, uh, and I don't know. [11:49.8 – 11:56.3] Like, it was just crazy to me that it's like you're in this, like, deep, dark place of heroin addiction, living in a motel. [11:56.3 – 12:00.3] I'm, like, stealing food from the Dollar General across the street, you know, and I'm not even eating it, 'cause I'm not… [12:00.3 – 12:01.5] I don't have an appetite. [12:01.5 – 12:08.9] Um, and I'm, like, talking and confiding in this complete stranger of how bad I wanna get sober. [12:08.9 – 12:17.6] Um, and I lived m- I lived a lot of my active addiction, um, fighting that, like, inner voice of, like, “I don't wanna get high. [12:17.6 – 12:18.2] I don't wanna get high. [12:18.2 – 12:26.4] I don't wanna get high,” but all of a sudden I'm on the phone with the dope man and I'm on the way, and then I have a needle in my arm, and, like, here it goes again, you know? [12:26.4 – 12:30.1] Um, I fought with that every single day of my active addiction. [12:30.1 – 12:40.2] Um, and, um, another time would be when I found this house that was for sale, and we broke in, [12:40.2 – 12:40.9] and we lived there. [12:40.9 – 12:44.1] And it was at the end of October, and it was cold, because St. [12:44.1 – 12:54.1] Louis weather, and, um, it had heat, it had electricity, it had running water, and I thought, “This is [12:54.1 – 12:55.3] it.” Like, I found… [12:55.3 – 12:58.6] Like, I've, like, crossed these, like, pearly gates into this house. [12:58.6 – 12:59.8] I'm gonna live here. [12:59.8 – 13:00.4] I'm gonna get high. [13:00.4 – 13:03.5] Like, it was like I had arrived, like that moment in the book. [13:03.5 – 13:05.6] You know, like, this is what I'm gonna do. [13:05.6 – 13:06.6] Like, this is perfect. [13:06.6 – 13:08.1] This is all I need. [13:08.1 – 13:11.3] Um, and for me to, like, look back and think, like… [13:11.3 – 13:22.1] I always get, like, a little emotional at this part, but to think, like, a house with no furniture, um, with, like, literally, I had a backpack full of whatever I could carry. [13:22.1 – 13:25.8] Um, hanging out with two guys that I absolutely hated. [13:25.8 – 13:31.5] I couldn't even look myself in the mirror, and we would shower with, like, Dawn dish soap, because, like, that's all that this house had. [13:31.5 – 13:41.6] Um, and to look back and think, like, at one point in my life, that is, like, all I ever thought I needed, um, compared to now, is, like, pretty powerful. [13:41.6 – 13:46.7] Um, and that was towards the end of my addiction. [13:46.7 – 13:53.9] Um, you know, I probably went on for, like, another six or eight months after that, and, um, it was always gonna be different this time. [13:53.9 – 13:57.1] It was always, you know, “If I can just go here, it's gonna be different. [13:57.1 – 14:06.3] If I can just live with Grandma, or if I can, you know, get out of this homeless shelter, or if I can get out of this motel, or if y- you know, Mom can give me five bucks for a pack of cigarettes, like, it'll be different,” you know? [14:06.3 – 14:11.5] Um, and finally, everyone just stopped believing my bullshit, you know? [14:11.5 – 14:16.5] Um, and I had to start taking action, and I really had no idea how to do that. [14:16.5 – 14:19.7] Um, but I knew that Heroin Anonymous was in St. [14:19.7 – 14:20.4] Louis. [14:20.4 – 14:24.4] Um, it was probably a year old by the time I came around. [14:24.4 – 14:27.0] Well, I'd come around from the beginning, but I wasn't sober. [14:27.0 – 14:28.2] I wasn't staying sober. [14:28.2 – 14:34.2] Um, so I knew there was a place to go, but again, I, I thought that I was gonna be the exception to the rule. [14:34.2 – 14:36.1] I didn't think this stuff was for me. [14:36.1 – 14:37.0] I don't think I… [14:37.0 – 14:38.7] I didn't think I could get past the God stuff. [14:38.7 – 14:48.3] Um, but I came in these rooms out of desperation, and because I was just in so much pain that, that drove me into, like, the willingness to do whatever it took. [14:48.3 – 14:50.7] Um, uh, you're fine. [14:50.7 – 14:54.0] Um, t- to whatever it took to do something different. [14:54.0 – 14:58.3] And again, like, going back, like, I could not picture my life with or without heroin. [14:58.3 – 15:05.3] Um, and I thought death was, like, a better option than living the rest of my life as a heroin addict. [15:05.3 – 15:06.6] Like, that's where I was. [15:06.6 – 15:12.6] Um, so I came in here, and there was always this, there was this lady, thank God for her. [15:12.6 – 15:16.2] She probably had, I don't know, seven or eight years sober at the time. [15:16.2 – 15:21.2] And she had come to HA because, frankly, there was really… [15:21.2 – 15:23.4] I mean, like, to get 30 days was, like… [15:23.4 – 15:25.4] I mean, that was, like, a big deal. [15:25.4 – 15:28.1] We had a guy in here that was chairing the meeting at first that had a year. [15:28.1 – 15:29.8] He was like a god to us. [15:29.8 – 15:31.6] Like, we couldn't stay sober for five minutes. [15:31.6 – 15:33.8] Like, this guy's putting together a year of sobriety. [15:33.8 – 15:38.1] It just, like, didn't seem, like, fathomable, fa- fathomable to us. [15:38.1 – 15:38.7] You know what I mean? [15:38.7 – 15:49.1] Um, so there was this lady that always sat across from me in these meetings, and she would always share, and she would open with, “Get a sponsor, get a sponsor, get a sponsor.” And I felt personally attacked, [15:49.1 – 15:53.4] because she'd always, like, look right at me and be like, “Get a sponsor, get a sponsor.” I mean, this woman has known me for- [15:53.6 – 15:57.0] A long time, and she saw me when I was out running and gunning. [15:57.0 – 16:06.4] And, uh, so finally, um, even though I was scared shitless of her, I asked her to be my sponsor because she c- could put time together, and she seemed, um, happy. [16:06.4 – 16:07.2] And that was another thing. [16:07.2 – 16:08.3] I, like, couldn't… [16:08.3 – 16:10.5] Like, how am I gonna be happy without drugs and alcohol? [16:10.5 – 16:15.2] But it's, like, such a conundrum because it's like we're not happy towards the end anyways, you know? [16:15.2 – 16:16.7] Um, I wasn't, at least. [16:16.7 – 16:23.3] So I asked her to be my sponsor, and, um, and she took me through the book. [16:23.3 – 16:27.2] She took me through the first 164 pages, and she took me through the steps. [16:27.2 – 16:37.4] Um, for me, step one was, was easy because I could, I could directly see the f- like, that when I picked up drugs and alcohol, literally everything [16:37.4 – 16:39.4] else in my life went to complete shit. [16:39.4 – 16:49.5] Like, I mean, there were times when I would get out of treatment, I would use one time, and I'd get arrested, and right back into treatment, all this other stuff, um, just because of one time [16:49.5 – 16:50.4] getting high. [16:50.4 – 16:53.2] So it was easy for me to admit that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol. [16:53.2 – 17:02.4] Um, I would not stop unless there was an outside force of motion that kind of interjected on my path. [17:02.4 – 17:04.9] Um, so that was easy. [17:04.9 – 17:06.9] The God thing for me was not. [17:06.9 – 17:15.7] Um, and I wasn't really honest about it because I had always, like, my whole life, I'd always wanted to kind of fit in and find that unity with other people. [17:15.7 – 17:22.2] And so I kind of just, like, took what they said in meetings about God and kind of, like, tried to form my own God with that. [17:22.2 – 17:32.2] Um, but this woman, like, explained to me that step two is just kind of, like, a light at the end of that, like, hopeless, like, desperational [17:32.2 – 17:33.6] tunnel of step one. [17:33.6 – 17:39.2] Because you're here and you're like, “I surrender because I don't know how to live my life.” Um, and there's hope. [17:39.2 – 17:42.7] Um, and so that's kind of how she put it in layman's terms for me. [17:42.7 – 17:48.7] Um, I came from a very, um, Irish Catholic family, and I just did not get… [17:48.7 – 17:53.8] I got a lot of the drinking stuff, and most of them got a lot of the drinking stuff, but I did not get a lot of the God stuff. [17:53.8 – 18:04.2] Um, and so, you know, for me, step three just became, “Are you willing to work the rest of the steps?” Um, and again, like, I could see this program working [18:04.2 – 18:05.0] for other people. [18:05.0 – 18:15.0] Um, I could see people getting and staying sober and, and living, like, happy, joyous, and free, and that just seemed like it would happen on [18:15.0 – 18:16.6] another planet for me. [18:16.6 – 18:23.2] Um, and as time went on and as I worked the steps, I developed the higher power that I have today. [18:23.2 – 18:29.7] Um, so if the God thing freaks you out, uh, a guy told me a long time ago, good orderly direction. [18:29.7 – 18:34.5] Just do the next right thing, um, and you'll kind of develop this sense of… [18:34.5 – 18:43.2] For me, it was awareness of, like, these moments of gratitude, um, early on in sobriety of the fact that I can do things that I couldn't do when I was getting high. [18:43.2 – 18:46.8] Um, and I built a God on that, basically. [18:46.8 – 18:53.2] Um, fourth and fifth step seem scary, and I always tell my sponsees this, um, because it is. [18:53.2 – 18:57.8] It's like you're standing naked in front of a crowd and you write all this stuff down and then you share it with another person. [18:57.8 – 19:02.1] Um, but I always just tell them, “Wait till you get to the ninth step,” 'cause that is really when it kicks into gear. [19:02.1 – 19:07.3] Um, but for the four- for my first fourth step that I ever did, I was not honest. [19:07.3 – 19:08.2] I had, um… [19:08.2 – 19:15.2] I guess, like, two months in, I had gotten high, and I didn't tell a soul about it, like, nobody. [19:15.2 – 19:21.0] Um, and un- until I had, like, a fake, like, year and a half sober. [19:21.0 – 19:23.8] Um, finally, it was, like, one day, just, like… [19:23.8 – 19:28.9] Well, leading up, but one day, I was like, “I need to get honest or I'm gonna get high.” Like, that was it, you know? [19:28.9 – 19:30.5] And I, like, texted my sponsor immediately. [19:30.5 – 19:32.5] I'm like, “I have to tell you something,” so I couldn't back out. [19:32.5 – 19:37.1] Um, and I thought, I mean, 1,000 worst-case scenarios. [19:37.1 – 19:42.7] Like, “She's gonna fire me, and my family's gonna disown me.” And, like, I had had, like, some, some time sober at this point, you know? [19:42.7 – 19:44.8] It was just, like, the first two months in. [19:44.8 – 19:54.8] Um, and all my sponsor said was, “Are you sober today?” And I said, “Yeah, I've been sober for real for, like, the last however long, year and four [19:54.8 – 20:05.0] months or whatever.” And she said, “That's all that matters.” And I was like, “If I knew you were gonna say some shit like this, I would've told you this two months or, you know, a year and a half ago or whatever.” Um, [20:05.0 – 20:15.1] and, uh, it just reminds me again, like, this, this program is, um, just always there for me, always there to catch me, um, and the people and the women in it, [20:15.1 – 20:16.0] um, specifically. [20:16.0 – 20:23.6] So, um, so with that, I always encourage people that are on their fourth step to get honest. [20:23.6 – 20:24.9] We're not here to judge anyone. [20:24.9 – 20:28.0] Um, I mean, I've gotten so many white key tags. [20:28.0 – 20:31.0] You know, I could probably, I should probably restock all the meetings that we have in St. [20:31.0 – 20:34.0] Louis now because I have so many of them. [20:34.0 – 20:43.0] Um, and so, you know, I didn't really feel that, like, rocket, rocketed in the fourth dimension that it talks about in the Big Book when I did a fifth step because I wasn't being honest. [20:43.0 – 20:48.6] Um, but when I got honest, I felt that, um, and it was like that freedom from bondage, you know? [20:48.6 – 20:50.4] Um . [20:50.4 – 20:51.0] Um… [20:51.0 – 20:52.9] Oh, yeah? [20:52.9 – 20:56.6] She's cheering you on. [20:56.6 – 20:57.3] Oh, yeah. [20:57.3 – 20:57.7] Mm-hmm. [20:57.7 – 21:03.8] Um, so for me, six and seven, uh, just a couple chapters in the book. [21:03.8 – 21:07.6] Um, they're not, they're not just a couple chapters in the book, really. [21:07.6 – 21:09.1] Like, we mostly see them for that. [21:09.1 – 21:18.1] Um, I've, as the years have gone on, I've, like, been grateful to have a sponsor that pushes me to continue to learn more about these steps and learn more about myself. [21:18.1 – 21:24.3] And, um, and it just talks about shortcomings and character defects, which I still have to this day. [21:24.3 – 21:27.2] That honesty thing did not come easy for me. [21:27.2 – 21:32.5] Um, and again, like, I, I guess I kind of felt like I had to have, like, one thing to just hold onto. [21:32.5 – 21:32.9] You know what I'm saying? [21:32.9 – 21:34.1] Like, one thing that just I knew. [21:34.1 – 21:35.7] I don't know why we do that to ourselves. [21:35.7 – 21:36.9] It's torture. [21:36.9 – 21:46.4] Um, and, um, you know, and that dependability and, and showing up, you know, when people are expecting us to be there and that sort of thing. [21:46.4 – 21:48.6] All of that took a lot of practice for me. [21:48.6 – 21:54.6] It didn't make sense why I couldn't just, like, go in the gas station and, like, just steal a candy bar or, like, steal what I wanted. [21:54.6 – 21:56.6] Like, I actually had to pay for it, you know? [21:56.6 – 22:00.7] Um, I always felt, like, entitled to all this stuff. [22:00.7 – 22:09.8] Um, and luckily, like, my sponsor and I in, in the last year, I guess, have read Drop the Rock, which is a whole book dedicated to six and seven. [22:09.8 – 22:11.9] So if you're there, I, I really recommend that book. [22:11.9 – 22:13.0] It's really good. [22:13.0 – 22:22.7] Um, and again, like, eight and nine, making our amends, um, that was one of the most freeing steps for me. [22:22.7 – 22:27.1] Um, like, you come in and step one is kind of a relief, like, as scary as it is. [22:27.1 – 22:34.3] Um, but eight and nine, like, I felt like I could look the rest of the world in the eye, making amends with people. [22:34.3 – 22:36.8] Um, and it didn't happen all at once. [22:36.8 – 22:45.9] Like, I just made an amends to a girl that was, like, totally, like, totally cut herself off from me because I saw her in public, like, after years and years and years. [22:45.9 – 22:52.1] Um, and again, like, just another example of, like, how my higher power works in my life. [22:52.1 – 22:53.4] And I needed some encouragement. [22:53.4 – 22:55.9] I wasn't gonna go up to her for, like, three, three times. [22:55.9 – 22:58.2] I just n- like, I needed some moral support there. [22:58.2 – 23:08.7] Um, and then 10, 11, and 12 for me are just, um, continuing to get close to God, um, continuing to hold myself accountable, [23:08.7 – 23:11.9] and, and giving away what was so freely given to me. [23:11.9 – 23:21.0] And I'm able to do that with, um, working with sponsees, um, who keep me a hell of a lot more accountable than I could keep myself, um, and doing things like this. [23:21.0 – 23:25.6] And I mean, it can be as simple as making coffee in the meeting or, or whatever. [23:25.6 – 23:29.9] Um, just being there to show the newcomer that this shit works. [23:29.9 – 23:33.1] Um, I've tried a lot of other things that didn't work for me. [23:33.1 – 23:36.7] Um, but these 12 steps saved my life. [23:36.7 – 23:39.8] I came back to life in the rooms of Heroin Anonymous. [23:39.8 – 23:41.7] Um, and for that, I am grateful. [23:41.7 – 23:45.9] So Kat, thanks again for letting me speak, and I'm glad everyone's here tonight. [23:45.9 – 23:46.7] Happy birthday. [23:46.7 – 23:47.6] Thanks. [23:47.6 – 23:48.4] Thank you, Carly.