Transcript

[00:00.8 – 00:01.6] Hi, guys. [00:01.6 – 00:02.3] I'm Kelly. [00:02.3 – 00:03.7] I'm a recovered heroin addict. [00:03.7 – 00:06.1] Wow. [00:06.1 – 00:07.5] Can I say that again? [00:07.5 – 00:10.1] I'm a recovered heroin addict. [00:10.1 – 00:18.0] I love the way that rolls off. [00:18.0 – 00:27.7] I got sober in another fellowship where I'm an incognito heroin addict, so this is, like, the coolest thing I have ever experienced, like, looking out here with my peeps. [00:27.7 – 00:28.3] I love it. [00:28.3 – 00:33.7] Um, first I wanna say thanks to Jeff, uh, for asking me to be here. [00:33.7 – 00:34.8] I mean, it's such an honor. [00:34.8 – 00:37.4] I mean, initially I thought he might have made a grave error. [00:37.4 – 00:39.6] I was like, “What, uh what is he… [00:39.6 – 00:43.2] ” Um, I know God wants me here for a reason. [00:43.2 – 00:49.2] Um, thank you, DJ, my husband, uh, for introducing me. [00:49.2 – 00:53.2] Uh, he's gotten to see me at my absolute, absolute utter worst. [00:53.2 – 00:57.4] Um, also, I've been blessed to– Oh, God, it's gonna make me cry looking over. [00:57.4 – 00:58.4] That's not a good start, right? [00:58.4 – 01:01.5] To– I'm at a convention, and I start to cry almost immediately. [01:01.5 – 01:02.3] That's not good. [01:02.3 – 01:19.1] Um, my family's here, and, uh, that's my, my mom, my dad, my little sister, and, uh- As [01:19.1 – 01:24.2] you guys, as my fellow heroin addicts know, we drag our families through the mud, through the mud. [01:24.2 – 01:28.7] And, uh, they're– Am I– Can you guys hear me? [01:28.7 – 01:29.8] Am I, like, too loud? [01:29.8 – 01:30.5] Yeah. [01:30.5 – 01:30.8] All right. [01:30.8 – 01:30.9] All right. [01:30.9 – 01:35.0] Um, we drag our families– I drag my family through the mud. [01:35.0 – 01:38.9] Um, and it-it's just, it's such an honor to, to be up here. [01:38.9 – 01:43.0] And, uh, I'm gonna try to not cry, cry anymore, at least till I can get some, some words out. [01:43.0 – 01:53.2] But, um when I was thinking, um, thinking about what I wanted to say here tonight, [01:53.2 – 02:01.2] you know, to try to really reach out and, uh, if, if there's truly– I know it's a cliché, like, reach out and touch one person, but that's literally what I'm thinking of. [02:01.2 – 02:04.5] 'Cause if I think of all you guys, I'll pass out, out of here from, from fear. [02:04.5 – 02:11.1] Um, I was thinking about, um, summing up my life. [02:11.1 – 02:12.4] What does that look like, you know? [02:12.4 – 02:20.9] And, and this book, the Big Book, I know mine doesn't look like a Big Book, but, um, I got a, I got a cool little nifty Big Book made for me. [02:20.9 – 02:24.1] Um, this Big Book sums up my life. [02:24.1 – 02:30.1] So as I tell my story, I kinda pull little pieces from this book because this book saved my ass. [02:30.1 – 02:31.1] It saved my ass. [02:31.1 – 02:33.8] Um, so there's my first curse word. [02:33.8 – 02:34.9] I'm already messing this up. [02:34.9 – 02:37.4] But, uh, let's get this story started. [02:37.4 – 02:44.0] I was, um, I was born in nineteen eighty-one in Houston, Texas, um, to this lovely family, right? [02:44.0 – 02:45.2] Came from a good family. [02:45.2 – 02:46.0] They worked hard. [02:46.0 – 02:49.4] They, you know, like, had these great hopes and dreams for me. [02:49.4 – 02:57.4] And, um, uh, the word I would use to sum up my life was, like, I was an escape artist. [02:57.4 – 03:07.4] I was always just not quite comfortable in my skin, and I always thought that it might just [03:07.4 – 03:17.4] be a little cooler to be someone else or a little more comfortable to be someone else or to, you know– My joke tonight, I'm like, “This is my Stevie Nicks dress.” This is so maybe you guys don't notice it's me [03:17.4 – 03:18.3] up here, right? [03:18.3 – 03:26.5] This is that, like, self-centered fear that I carry around that, um, that by the grace of God and these steps I have a way to walk through without shooting dope over today. [03:26.5 – 03:36.7] Um, that being said, when I look back over my life, that's probably one of the most notable things for me, um, is that even as a small child, [03:36.7 – 03:40.1] you know, I, I was very imaginative. [03:40.1 – 03:41.3] I was very stubborn. [03:41.3 – 03:45.8] I wanted things done my way, and I would throw tantrums if I didn't get it my way. [03:45.8 – 03:48.4] Um, and this was genuinely upsetting to me. [03:48.4 – 03:52.4] I mean, this was, like, minor stuff, but I mean, I would just come unglued. [03:52.4 – 03:55.3] You– My family tells pictures about– uh, tells pictures. [03:55.3 – 04:00.8] Tells stories about me, um, thrashing my little feet till they would bleed when I was a baby. [04:00.8 – 04:05.1] I mean, I'm self-destructive as a tiny little kid, just kinda wanting out of my skin. [04:05.1 – 04:15.4] Um, one of the funnier stories that I can think of from my childhood, and it just gives you guys a glimpse into [04:15.4 – 04:25.4] what I like to refer to as the ism, the internal spiritual malady, that thing inside me that just makes me a little bit tense and a little bit fearful and that [04:25.4 – 04:35.4] thing that, um, eventually led to a mental obsession to then put dope in my body, which then led to a physical allergy, which caused me to wanna put more dope in my [04:35.4 – 04:35.9] body, right? [04:35.9 – 04:37.7] So it all starts with this ism, right? [04:37.7 – 04:39.4] And I can trace that back to childhood. [04:39.4 – 04:44.8] Um, one of the funnier stories I was about, um– I've got this good life on the outside. [04:44.8 – 04:51.7] I don't have anything, um, anything really to, um, to be unhappy about. [04:51.7 – 04:54.3] I don't, uh, on the outside. [04:54.3 – 04:57.7] But on the inside, it's just, it's not– I'm not right. [04:57.7 – 04:59.2] I'm not comfy in my skin. [04:59.2 – 05:09.4] And, um, I w– One of my various, like, um, hobbies as a child was riding horses, and I, I always like to tell this story because it's, it's just pretty [05:09.4 – 05:09.8] funny. [05:09.8 – 05:13.3] So I'm riding horses, and I go to this horse camp. [05:13.3 – 05:21.1] And there's this– I'm about eight years old, and there's this girl who is fifteen, and she's cool. [05:21.1 – 05:25.9] And, um, and I just– I'm just idolizing this girl, you know? [05:25.9 – 05:28.2] It's just she's everything that I wanna be. [05:28.2 – 05:35.0] And, um, bottom line, like I, I assumed her identity, guys. [05:35.0 – 05:42.6] Like I I, I started writing this chick's name on my papers at school. [05:42.6 – 05:45.2] And my parents can attest to this. [05:45.2 – 05:46.2] My teacher's calling. [05:46.2 – 05:53.1] They're like– My name's Kelly Elizabeth, and, uh, m- suddenly I'm going by Brooke. [05:53.1 – 05:55.5] And my parents are just a little confused. [05:55.5 – 06:02.3] Like, the, the teachers are, are calling, and they're, “Where– Why, why is your daughter– Is, is her middle name Brooke?” And they're like, “Yeah. [06:02.3 – 06:03.5] No, we don't know. [06:03.5 – 06:13.3] No, we don't know.” This was one of the, one of the, um, more interesting little forays in me trying to be somebody else, trying to be somebody that I wasn't. [06:13.3 – 06:20.1] It was just, it was a good little nutshell of, of where I was, even at eight years old, just not cool being Kelly, you know? [06:20.1 – 06:24.5] And, um, I don't know how long the Brooke thing lasted. [06:24.5 – 06:26.3] I mean, it– not very long, you know. [06:26.3 – 06:36.3] Um, when I was about twelve years old, I, uh, I got bit by the, the fashion bug, if [06:36.3 – 06:36.8] you will. [06:36.8 – 06:43.9] Um, I had a– I grew up, you know, um, with people always telling me I'm pretty and la-da-di-da, and that made me feel important. [06:43.9 – 06:46.4] It made me feel special, like I was worth something, right? [06:46.4 – 06:56.4] And, um, interestingly enough, uh, and I'll get to that a little later in my story, um, I– it, it's rather unfulfilling to be recognized for simply being [06:56.4 – 06:56.7] pretty. [06:56.7 – 06:57.8] But at the time it was good. [06:57.8 – 06:58.7] I was like, “Okay, good. [06:58.7 – 06:59.3] Yay, I'm pretty. [06:59.3 – 07:04.1] I can go do something with that.” So at about twelve I decided I wanted to be a fashion model, and I thought that was gonna fix me. [07:04.1 – 07:07.3] You know, like, the world would adore me, and then I would be okay on the inside. [07:07.3 – 07:10.4] And, uh, so I, um… [07:10.4 – 07:12.1] I mean, I'm twelve. [07:12.1 – 07:15.9] Like, I, I see twelve-year-olds nowadays and it's like they're, they're kids, right? [07:15.9 – 07:16.8] They're little kids. [07:16.8 – 07:24.8] But I was certain I was grown up and that, uh, and again, this was gonna be the, um, the solution to the uncomfortability that I felt inside. [07:24.8 – 07:32.1] Um, and so I began begging and pleading of my parents to, uh… [07:32.1 – 07:34.3] I don't wanna tell the story too fast. [07:34.3 – 07:34.7] Okay. [07:34.7 – 07:43.7] Um- Uh, I started begging and pleading of my parents, you know, to let me sign up with this little, this little modeling agency in Houston. [07:43.7 – 07:54.0] They let me do that, and I got to do some of these dorky kind of, uh, uh, JCPenney catalog stuff, you know, and wear, like, the stupid, uh, [07:54.0 – 07:58.4] little slippers and nightgown in the catalog and lift up- -my silly and, you know. [07:58.4 – 08:00.1] And get to bring that to school and… [08:00.1 – 08:00.9] Actually, I didn't. [08:00.9 – 08:02.3] I was embarrassed to bring that to school. [08:02.3 – 08:12.4] But, uh- Anyway, so, um, this starts out my glamorous career as a fashion model and, um, uh, I did that for a while. [08:12.4 – 08:12.8] It was good. [08:12.8 – 08:13.4] It was okay. [08:13.4 – 08:13.8] I, I… [08:13.8 – 08:19.8] But the Houston thing and the, the little JCPenney, you know, nightgowns and slippers wasn't really working out for me. [08:19.8 – 08:22.0] I had, uh, bigger dreams. [08:22.0 – 08:25.9] And by this point it's the early nineties. [08:25.9 – 08:27.2] I don't know if any of you guys remember this. [08:27.2 – 08:30.6] I'm dating myself a little bit, but it was kind of the whole grunge thing, right? [08:30.6 – 08:32.5] Which is where us heroin addicts come into play. [08:32.5 – 08:35.1] It's like my hero was, like, Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley- [08:35.3 – 08:36.2] Billie and William S. [08:36.2 – 08:37.9] Burroughs, and Gia. [08:37.9 – 08:38.8] I like Gia. [08:38.8 – 08:41.1] You know, she's dead, but she's cool. [08:41.1 – 08:45.5] Uh, so I ha- I had some interesting heroes, right? [08:45.5 – 08:52.2] And, um, so I set out to the we– Well, Gia, and, um- Okay. [08:52.2 – 08:58.2] Um, I had an opportunity to, to, uh, model in New York. [08:58.2 – 09:05.0] So I did another beg and plead and, you know, tantrum throw, really. [09:05.0 – 09:06.4] That's what I mean by beg and plead. [09:06.4 – 09:09.1] Um, kick and scream to get my way. [09:09.1 – 09:14.5] And, uh, essentially, I didn't find out until fairly recently that my parents were… [09:14.5 – 09:18.6] I had already– I was really good at manipulation already at this age. [09:18.6 – 09:21.5] Like, uh, I don't know if any of you guys get that. [09:21.5 – 09:31.9] But, uh, I had already learned to, to manipulate people and instill fear in people to get what I want, and, um, what I thought I needed to be okay. [09:31.9 – 09:33.5] That's the scary part. [09:33.5 – 09:43.6] But, um, um, o- I found out only recently that I had kind of by about age, you know, fourteen or fifteen, [09:43.6 – 09:54.0] I had already backed my parents into this corner of either you let me do what I wanna do, and you support me and allow me to move to New York on my own and drop out of school [09:54.0 – 09:56.5] or, uh, or I'll run away. [09:56.5 – 10:04.2] And, um, anyways, I didn't really find that out until recently that, that I– that's what they were afraid of. [10:04.2 – 10:14.3] And so, you know, that was my, my first, um, my first real escape, of course, uh, physically of, like, moving away was I'm escaping high school, [10:14.3 – 10:17.7] getting out of this, and I'm gonna move to New York City and have this glamorous life. [10:17.7 – 10:20.5] And, uh, anyway, so I get up there. [10:20.5 – 10:25.0] Um, I'm about sixteen and, uh, I'm in New York City on my own, guys. [10:25.0 – 10:29.1] I mean, it's It was awesome. [10:29.1 – 10:31.3] I mean, it was awesome, right? [10:31.3 – 10:36.9] It's like I was supposed to have a chaperone, and it was not so much a chaperone. [10:36.9 – 10:38.8] Uh, I lived with a, uh… [10:38.8 – 10:44.2] I lived in a model apartment, which is kinda like a dorm, uh, with a bunch of Eastern European girls who barely spoke English. [10:44.2 – 10:50.2] And I had a, a, a chaperone who was, uh, twenty-two and liked to party. [10:50.2 – 10:51.6] So this was fun. [10:51.6 – 10:58.1] Um, I got my first tattoo at about fifteen and hid it from my parents for a good while and, uh, anyways. [10:58.1 – 11:03.1] So I immediately kinda start hanging out in the, uh, the party scene, the night scene in New York City. [11:03.1 – 11:05.1] Uh, I loved it. [11:05.1 – 11:05.6] I did. [11:05.6 – 11:10.7] I, I initially started drinking, you know, started doing some party drugs, right? [11:10.7 – 11:14.7] Like snorting a little coke here and there and taking some ecstasy and all that fun stuff. [11:14.7 – 11:18.3] And, um, it was okay. [11:18.3 – 11:18.8] It was fun. [11:18.8 – 11:19.6] It was fun. [11:19.6 – 11:28.2] Uh, in the beginning, um, when I look back, I don't know that I initially experienced the phenomenon of craving. [11:28.2 – 11:31.7] I can't tell you at what point that kicked in, but it kicked in pretty quickly. [11:31.7 – 11:35.7] And I'll tell you, it kicked in immediately after trying heroin. [11:35.7 – 11:38.4] Uh, I was, um… [11:38.4 – 11:48.2] The way that I first tried heroin, I was in a nightclub and, um, had done various other drugs and was already fairly wasted, and somebody gave me a ubiquitous little baggie. [11:48.2 – 11:55.4] And, uh, and I went to the bathroom to s-snort it, and what I thought was cocaine ended up being China white. [11:55.4 – 12:01.5] And, um, and I spent like the next hour and a half vomiting with a big smile on my face like- … [12:01.5 – 12:03.4] this is the most amazing thing I've ever tried. [12:03.4 – 12:04.8] Right? [12:04.8 – 12:05.6] You have my people. [12:05.6 – 12:06.4] You guys get it. [12:06.4 – 12:07.1] Oh, I love it. [12:07.1 – 12:07.9] I love it. [12:07.9 – 12:08.9] I love it. [12:08.9 – 12:12.2] And this was the great escape. [12:12.2 – 12:21.4] I mean, I had escaped to Brook when I was eight, and I had escaped to New York City to be this glamorous fash-fashion model, and now I had found my escape. [12:21.4 – 12:24.7] I had found it, and it was like my little secret, and it was like my secret weapon. [12:24.7 – 12:26.1] And it worked, guys. [12:26.1 – 12:26.9] It worked. [12:26.9 – 12:31.5] Um, it's so cool to sit here in a room full of people that I know get this. [12:31.5 – 12:35.7] Um, I think for us, and I wanna say this for a minute. [12:35.7 – 12:38.0] I was talking to somebody about it a little earlier. [12:38.0 – 12:43.3] Part of it for me, um, because I love that you guys read this, A Way Out. [12:43.3 – 12:50.7] Um, because man, we are some, some relapsing people, right? [12:50.7 – 12:52.9] I mean, we even– you guys even included it, right? [12:52.9 – 13:03.1] It's hard for us to stay sober, and I don't mean to say that we're different or that our, our version of the ism or the spiritual sickness that is alcoholism, if you guys get [13:03.1 – 13:04.1] that, is actually… [13:04.1 – 13:05.6] is any better or any worse. [13:05.6 – 13:11.4] What I mean to say is that heroin does what heroin does, and it works, right? [13:11.4 – 13:14.1] And it's also some gnarly stuff to get off of. [13:14.1 – 13:17.4] And I was talking to somebody a little earlier about that. [13:17.4 – 13:27.9] Um, I think physically, I know I'm jumping around a little bit, but it took me so long to physically feel better when I, when I would get clean for those periods when I would get sober [13:27.9 – 13:29.2] that I would– I would just cave in. [13:29.2 – 13:30.1] I thought, “Well, this is it. [13:30.1 – 13:35.0] I'm just meant to feel like, like crap forever.” Um, anyways, back to New York. [13:35.0 – 13:45.1] I'm in the nightclub, and I, I've spent about, uh, an hour and a half vomiting and, um, and I immediately went back out to the guy who had given it to me, and I was like, “What is [13:45.1 – 13:52.9] this?” And I– “Where do I get more?” And, um, it didn't take long before I was, um, an everyday IV heroin addict. [13:52.9 – 14:00.2] And, um, I mean, the good news is, uh, at the time, like I said, it was, it was, it was the '90s. [14:00.2 – 14:02.1] It was like it was the grunge thing in fashion. [14:02.1 – 14:03.4] It was grunge in music. [14:03.4 – 14:06.0] It was really good to be skinny and scrawny and gray. [14:06.0 – 14:07.6] And, um- … [14:07.6 – 14:08.4] this was good. [14:08.4 – 14:10.1] I mean, like, they thought this was gorgeous. [14:10.1 – 14:11.8] Like, Vogue Magazine is calling. [14:11.8 – 14:20.2] Like, “You look dead, and we love it.” Uh, yeah. [14:20.2 – 14:23.4] And so, so I mean, I'm thinking this is like a double win. [14:23.4 – 14:24.9] I'm like, I'm, I'm- … [14:24.9 – 14:27.8] I can do my dope, and like, they're paying me, and they're… [14:27.8 – 14:28.4] Uh, it's… [14:28.4 – 14:35.9] What I'm saying is I had a lifestyle, guys, in the beginning that allowed me to do as much dope as I wanted, you know? [14:35.9 – 14:39.5] Um- That got boring after a while. [14:39.5 – 14:44.0] I, um– And by boring, I mean it's like I'm living a good, I'm living a good life. [14:44.0 – 14:45.1] I had a job that paid well. [14:45.1 – 14:46.7] I'm st- I'm a teenager, guys. [14:46.7 – 14:47.9] I didn't know. [14:47.9 – 14:52.4] I spent money like a drunken sailor. [14:52.4 – 14:55.8] It's like I, I, re– Bottom line, I got bored with it. [14:55.8 – 15:01.4] I was just like, “All right.” I added, um, some other substances into the mix. [15:01.4 – 15:06.6] Um, you guys, I'm saying this on purpose, but can I, can I say it? [15:06.6 – 15:08.5] I, I was a speedballer, guys. [15:08.5 – 15:11.8] I loved to shoot cocaine and heroin. [15:11.8 – 15:14.3] All right. [15:14.3 – 15:14.3] All right. [15:14.3 – 15:14.3] All right. [15:14.3 – 15:15.9] All right, thank you for that enthusiasm. [15:15.9 – 15:25.9] Now, um, um, bottom line, this, this lifestyle that I was living, I kept it a secret, you know, [15:25.9 – 15:26.9] for a fairly good while. [15:26.9 – 15:35.6] And, uh, uh, the trouble is, like, the whole– the IV drug use is not exactly– it's not socially acceptable, right? [15:35.6 – 15:39.7] Like, I couldn't be, like, out at the club and just pull out a rig, and it, it just wasn't gonna work. [15:39.7 – 15:41.2] You know, it was problematic. [15:41.2 – 15:44.7] Um, it, it– The whole, like, snorting lines, that was cool. [15:44.7 – 15:46.4] People could do that in the open. [15:46.4 – 15:49.9] I got– M- my friends got worried. [15:49.9 – 15:52.7] They're like, “Okay, D, you're taking this a little too far, you know? [15:52.7 – 15:57.4] We're just– You're a little too crazy for us.” And so instead of being like, “Oh, well, I guess that's problematic. [15:57.4 – 16:06.9] Maybe I should slow down,” I went to Spanish Harlem, to the projects, and found some people to hang out with that liked to do dope the way that I liked to do dope. [16:06.9 – 16:11.9] And, um, um, again, I wanna apolo- I wanna apologize. [16:11.9 – 16:17.0] I don't– I've been fearful about this ever since I found out my parents were gonna be here, right? [16:17.0 – 16:19.8] 'Cause there's just parts of my story that I know that they don't know. [16:19.8 – 16:23.3] Um, uh, but guys, it, it does. [16:23.3 – 16:24.2] It gets nasty. [16:24.2 – 16:25.3] It gets gnarly, you know? [16:25.3 – 16:27.5] I mean, we, we know what shooting galleries look like. [16:27.5 – 16:29.0] I don't need to describe that up here. [16:29.0 – 16:36.3] But, I mean, I was literally l- it– disappearing for a week at a time, just liv– in a place with– in Squaller, you know? [16:36.3 – 16:43.3] And, uh, um, and people were terrified and they'd be looking for me and, you know, the, uh… [16:43.3 – 16:47.5] I had a boyfriend at the time that was, you know, kind of, I guess what we call an enabler. [16:47.5 – 16:48.2] I don't know. [16:48.2 – 16:48.9] You know, whatever. [16:48.9 – 16:51.0] He was handy. [16:51.0 – 16:55.5] Um, yeah. [16:55.5 – 17:03.8] And, um, and, um, anyway, I had about three years of that, of just, of getting away with it, right? [17:03.8 – 17:07.3] It's like, you know, m- boyfriend knew a little bit about it, whatever. [17:07.3 – 17:10.3] But, but the important people, because I'm- [17:10.4 – 17:15.4] Still a teenager, the important people to not know about it, of course, are my parents, right? [17:15.4 – 17:19.8] Because what are tho– Those people are totally gonna rain on my parade, right? [17:19.8 – 17:20.4] And they did. [17:20.4 – 17:23.4] I'm, I'm looking at my mom's face. [17:23.4 – 17:24.5] I shouldn't look over there. [17:24.5 – 17:34.5] Um, uh, when I was nineteen, I was, um, intervened [17:34.5 – 17:35.1] on. [17:35.1 – 17:40.5] And, uh, uh, to my recollection and, and mind you, I mean, I was out of it. [17:40.5 – 17:43.3] I, um, I got intervened on. [17:43.3 – 17:51.1] I flew from New York City down to Houston, where my parents lived, under the guise of a surprise birthday party for my little sister. [17:51.1 – 17:58.1] Um, I did think it was off because it was in November and my little sister's birthday is in December, so that was weird. [17:58.1 – 18:01.7] But, I mean, my parents are trustworthy folks. [18:01.7 – 18:03.6] Like, I didn't think they'd lie to me, you know? [18:03.6 – 18:13.6] Uh, so I walk into the living room, and it was not a surprise for her and a huge [18:13.6 – 18:14.5] surprise for me. [18:14.5 – 18:15.6] Huge surprise. [18:15.6 – 18:23.4] I, um, and I'm– I think I am gonna get emotional here because, um, this is one of the more… [18:23.4 – 18:26.2] It's just one of the more tragic, sad parts of my story. [18:26.2 – 18:28.4] It's not, it's not any kind of gory war story. [18:28.4 – 18:29.1] It's not anything. [18:29.1 – 18:38.7] But the emotion behind it is absolutely real because what it looked like was I had a room full of people sitting there crying, sobbing, begging me, “Please,” like, you know? [18:38.7 – 18:48.6] And all I could think was how I could get to the bathroom to shoot some more dope because I just could not, could not process this level of, of emotion that was coming at me. [18:48.6 – 18:49.5] I just couldn't do it. [18:49.5 – 18:54.7] And that's– And all that was in my mind was, “How could I get to the bathroom to do another shot?” That's it. [18:54.7 – 19:00.2] Um, is it hard for me to admit up here w-with them sitting here? [19:00.2 – 19:00.9] Absolutely. [19:00.9 – 19:03.6] But it was just the truth, and I know you guys can get down with that. [19:03.6 – 19:05.8] It's not because I don't love my family. [19:05.8 – 19:08.1] It's not because I didn't love my family then. [19:08.1 – 19:17.6] It's because I was under the lash of drug addiction, of alcoholism, the spiritual sickness that is alcoholism, under the lash. [19:17.6 – 19:26.1] And, uh , they had me pegged, though, 'cause they kept following me to the bathroom. [19:26.1 – 19:36.4] Um, so, um, and I was given the, the ordinary choice at an intervention, which, you know, at the time, uh, didn't have a whole lot of meaning [19:36.4 – 19:38.7] to me because I still had means. [19:38.7 – 19:43.1] I didn't keep my means for long, but at the time, I still had means. [19:43.1 – 19:51.1] And, uh, and of course, the option was, “Either you go to treatment or you can't stay in our house.” And so of course, I was like, “Well, I'm not gonna stay in your house.” And I took my dope, and I left. [19:51.1 – 19:56.4] And, uh, um, I had come down with about a week's, what I thought was about a week's worth of dope. [19:56.4 – 20:01.8] Um, this now craving kicked in, and I ended up finishing it in about two days in a motel down the road. [20:01.8 – 20:12.0] I went to go hop on a plane back to New York City because, of course, now I'm out of dope and, uh, and my very first moment of clarity [20:12.0 – 20:15.8] came on and, uh, and it hit me. [20:15.8 – 20:25.7] I mean, now, now I'm out of dope, so now I'm just start the very beginning of dope sick, and I'm able to start maybe feeling some feelings and feeling a little uncomfortable. [20:25.7 – 20:32.3] And everything that had just occurred three days before at this intervention kind of just hit me like a ton of bricks. [20:32.3 – 20:37.5] And I, right before they closed that hatch of the airplane, I called, called my mom sobbing, and I said, “I'll go. [20:37.5 – 20:45.7] I'll go to treatment.” Um, the good news is, guys, this is just the very, very beginning of my story in treatment centers. [20:45.7 – 20:48.4] Uh, I went to my very first treatment center when I was nineteen. [20:48.4 – 20:52.7] I wish I could say that the message was not carried to me, but it was. [20:52.7 – 21:02.8] Um, I, I was so blessed to be able to go to a place where, where they carried this book, and they knew the message, and they knew what this illness was about, [21:02.8 – 21:04.7] and they knew the symptoms of this illness. [21:04.7 – 21:09.0] They knew that it was a spiritual malady and a mental obsession and a physical allergy. [21:09.0 – 21:15.3] Um, but guys, I just wasn't beaten to a state of reasonableness. [21:15.3 – 21:16.2] That's just the truth. [21:16.2 – 21:22.1] It was like I was– I, I still thought that it was working for me, and technically it was. [21:22.1 – 21:22.9] It fixed me. [21:22.9 – 21:27.1] I was still at that place where when I did heroin, I experienced the promises, right? [21:27.1 – 21:32.6] And none of that cruddy stuff that begins to occur with us, right? [21:32.6 – 21:33.9] Like I, like I talk about later. [21:33.9 – 21:36.2] I end up losing these means a little later on. [21:36.2 – 21:41.8] But, but at this point, I just hadn't, I hadn't had the consequences. [21:41.8 – 21:50.7] I just hadn't experienced them, and I just couldn't– Other than the fact that I could see it was definitely upsetting my family, um, I didn't see any reason to stop, and I didn't wanna stop. [21:50.7 – 21:53.7] Um, so that was at about nineteen years old. [21:53.7 – 22:04.2] And, uh, to the best, uh, to the best of my ability, um, I ended up institutionalized in about twenty-one [22:04.2 – 22:05.1] different treatment centers. [22:05.1 – 22:08.0] Now, I didn't stay at every single one of them the full amount of time. [22:08.0 – 22:10.4] It's like some of them were just detoxes, some of them blah, blah, blah. [22:10.4 – 22:15.5] But, um, twenty-one treatment centers I went through. [22:15.5 – 22:21.4] Interestingly enough, um, I didn't tell you guys my sober date, did I? [22:21.4 – 22:21.4] No. [22:21.4 – 22:26.1] I got sober October 10th of 2010, which is ten/ten/ten. [22:26.1 – 22:26.8] I like that one. [22:26.8 – 22:33.8] Um, it started a long, tedious process, what the book talks– I mean, the book talks about it. [22:33.8 – 22:36.6] This is a long, tedious process for some of us. [22:36.6 – 22:39.9] We hope it doesn't take as long for you, pretty much summing it up. [22:39.9 – 22:42.2] And for me, it was very long and tedious. [22:42.2 – 22:52.0] I, um, I just– I, I began, like, cycling in and out, and I would use treatment centers and, and, and detoxes as, as a flop, right? [22:52.0 – 22:53.9] It's like it was a place that I was gonna go. [22:53.9 – 22:56.6] I was gonna get kind of a cushy detox. [22:56.6 – 22:59.9] I did– wouldn't have to go through the discomfort that is kicking, right? [22:59.9 – 23:01.6] Or at least they would minimize it. [23:01.6 – 23:11.6] And I would go, and I would just kind of jump through the little hoops, get my tolerance kind of back down so that I could gain– then go back out and shoot dope the way I wanted to shoot dope without having to spend [23:11.6 – 23:12.2] so much money. [23:12.2 – 23:27.1] Um, I [23:27.1 – 23:32.9] wanna fast forward a little bit because I don't– There's not– I, I just don't feel like it's necessary for me to go into the gory details. [23:32.9 – 23:34.7] I'm in a room full of junkies, right? [23:34.7 – 23:36.7] It's like we know the g- the gory details. [23:36.7 – 23:38.5] I don't need to tell you what that looks like. [23:38.5 – 23:42.3] Mostly what I need to tell you is, like, the, the stuff I was feeling on the inside. [23:42.3 – 23:52.4] Because I know that there's probably someone in here that's early in sobriety or that may just be thinking about getting sober or that may be kicking right now [23:52.4 – 23:55.2] for all I know, and that's the person I wanna talk to. [23:55.2 – 23:56.8] I don't need to tell you guys about… [23:56.8 – 23:59.4] I hope I've qualified enough. [23:59.4 – 24:00.7] I'm the real deal, guys. [24:00.7 – 24:04.7] I, um, I just love that shit. [24:04.7 – 24:07.2] I love it, and it works, okay? [24:07.2 – 24:08.6] Believe me when I say it. [24:08.6 – 24:11.6] And if I hadn't found something better here, I wouldn't be here. [24:11.6 – 24:12.5] I wouldn't be here. [24:12.5 – 24:22.7] Um, so like I said, I do, I wanna skip over some of the gory stuff 'cause there's a, there's a good ten-year period in there where I'm just in and out, and I'm crazy, and I'm just burning [24:22.7 – 24:23.3] stuff down. [24:23.3 – 24:27.2] I, um, I mean, I, I will tell you one story. [24:27.2 – 24:30.4] I, um, eventually I tore the career down, right? [24:30.4 – 24:35.8] It's like I had gotten so bad, I mean, I was well on my way to becoming Gia that I wanted to be. [24:35.8 – 24:39.0] Um, I, I was no longer able to show up to work. [24:39.0 – 24:49.0] I would disappear and, um, I was showing up with track marks so bad that, uh, that literally, I mean, that they– even the fashion industry, these people that are all getting high, it's like [24:49.0 – 24:52.3] even they were like, “Yeah, this isn't acceptable.” And they would send me home and call my agency. [24:52.3 – 24:55.5] And, um, so I burned, I burned that down. [24:55.5 – 24:57.1] Um, I blew every penny. [24:57.1 – 25:03.3] One of the times, one of the many times I went to treatment, I thought that I was leaving for twenty-eight days. [25:03.3 – 25:07.8] I, I was leaving New York City for twenty-eight days, and that I'd be back, and I never went back. [25:07.8 – 25:18.5] I just went to treatment, and then they sent me to another treatment center and sent me to another treatment center, and I found myself in, um, in San Antonio, Texas, [25:18.5 – 25:23.2] um, in the dead of summer, um, homeless. [25:23.2 – 25:26.7] And I gotta tell you guys, so it's pretty hot here in Scottsdale. [25:26.7 – 25:29.0] San Antonio, um, Texas is not much better. [25:29.0 – 25:30.5] We have like a humid heat there. [25:30.5 – 25:33.1] In the dead of summer, it was probably about this time of year. [25:33.1 – 25:40.3] And, um, and so we're talking, you know, a hundred and two, a hundred and three degrees, and I'm literally squatting in someone's garage. [25:40.3 – 25:41.8] Like, I don't even have a way to bathe. [25:41.8 – 25:45.4] I was bathing in a washing machine in the garage. [25:45.6 – 25:47.1] Literally a washing machine. [25:47.1 – 25:49.0] And, uh, I mean, and I was scrawny. [25:49.0 – 25:51.7] I mean, it was not, it just wasn't, it really wasn't cute at all. [25:51.7 – 25:57.2] Like, I'm just this bony mess, you know, trying to wash blood off and, you know, it's just not good. [25:57.2 – 26:03.0] And, um, and, and guys, the reason that I tell that is because it's like, man, I did. [26:03.0 – 26:13.1] I had this, like, this charmed life and this glamorous, amazing life on the outside, and here I am at, i-in New York City and living it up, and I still, I'm just this [26:13.1 – 26:15.5] gaping hole inside me, right? [26:15.5 – 26:25.6] It's just so big that I'm willing to give up everything for the one thing, which at the time was dope, the one thing that kind of took the edge off that and made it a little more bearable, to the point [26:25.6 – 26:31.1] where I end up, like, homeless, living in a, in a garage, bathing in a washing machine. [26:31.1 – 26:37.0] And, um, what I want to say about that is that I still didn't get sober. [26:37.0 – 26:43.7] That is not even, that, it wasn't like I just suddenly looked at my life and I was like, “This is– Oh, what a mess. [26:43.7 – 26:46.6] Look what you've done with your life.” That did not happen. [26:46.6 – 26:47.4] It just didn't. [26:47.4 – 26:53.8] I wish that I could say that it was at that moment I just got struck with, “Oh, you've really just burned it to the ground,” but I didn't. [26:53.8 – 26:55.2] I kept going. [26:55.2 – 26:56.5] I, I literally… [26:56.5 – 27:06.9] My actual sobriety date is about the most, um, least dramatic, [27:06.9 – 27:09.3] uh, story that I could even think of. [27:09.3 – 27:19.5] Um, my actual sobriety date of ten/ten/ten looked like, um, looked like [27:19.5 – 27:26.2] me, like many of us as heroin addicts, having about three months sober and suddenly deciding I need to go to the dentist. [27:26.2 – 27:27.7] Anybody else done that? [27:27.7 – 27:37.8] And, uh, yeah, um, this– And, um, what that looked like was, uh, having about three months sober and, [27:37.8 – 27:47.8] I go to the dentist, and they do a root canal, and my little, my little mental obsession just starts chattering, which is like, “Well, it's [27:47.8 – 27:51.5] perfectly normal to take Vicodin when you've had a root canal. [27:51.5 – 27:53.1] I mean, everybody does it. [27:53.1 – 27:55.2] That's– You're, you're in pain. [27:55.2 – 27:56.3] It's normal. [27:56.3 – 28:02.0] Just take it as prescribed.” Duh. [28:02.0 – 28:07.0] And, um, obviously, guys, I'm a real heroin addict. [28:07.0 – 28:08.8] I can't take it as prescribed. [28:08.8 – 28:11.6] Like, I put it in my body, and that whole bottle is done. [28:11.6 – 28:12.8] It's just done, right? [28:12.8 – 28:13.6] And so that's what I did. [28:13.6 – 28:15.0] The whole bottle's gone. [28:15.0 – 28:17.2] Now I've got this secret 'cause I haven't told anyone. [28:17.2 – 28:19.2] I, I was supposed to be three months sober. [28:19.2 – 28:20.3] I didn't call my sponsor. [28:20.3 – 28:21.8] I didn't anything, right? [28:21.8 – 28:26.6] I just rationalized this with the little mental obsession, and here– and I'm off to the races, and I put it in my body. [28:26.6 – 28:36.8] The one thing, and this is just utterly by God's grace, guys, the one thing and that little God thought that I remember having at that moment was, “I'm not gonna [28:36.8 – 28:40.3] lie to myself and tell myself that that was okay. [28:40.3 – 28:51.4] That was a relapse.” I didn't get honest at that moment with anyone else, but I do remember having that God thought, which is, “Kelly, no matter what you do, don't you lie to yourself.” And, [28:51.4 – 29:01.4] uh, by the grace of God, truly, and I don't, I don't use that lightly as a cliché, I mean literally by a power greater than myself granting me some grace in this [29:01.4 – 29:04.7] period, um, I made it a year on that lie. [29:04.7 – 29:15.0] And, uh, um, I wound up, um, oddly enough, and then this is how I know it's absolutely a God thing. [29:15.0 – 29:17.2] I, I started, I– just like Dr. [29:17.2 – 29:18.6] Ball, I mean, it talks about it. [29:18.6 – 29:20.6] Happy birthday, Dr. [29:20.6 – 29:21.3] Ball. [29:21.3 – 29:22.6] Somebody's telling me it was Dr. [29:22.6 – 29:23.7] Ball's birthday today. [29:23.7 – 29:24.3] I think so. [29:24.3 – 29:25.2] Um. [29:25.2 – 29:32.8] Thank you, guys, for playing along with my ADD brain. [29:32.8 – 29:35.0] Um, uh. [29:35.0 – 29:44.9] By the grace of God, I, um, found myself on my actual one-year sobriety birthday. [29:44.9 – 29:53.1] So as in one day after I took the Vicodin, um, I found myself at a, at a, my home group. [29:53.1 – 29:55.3] I had been working the steps just like Dr. [29:55.3 – 29:56.6] Ball, like after a relapse. [29:56.6 – 29:58.9] I went back out, and I immediately dove into the work. [29:58.9 – 30:00.2] I immediately dove in. [30:00.2 – 30:04.1] I made, I made the amends I didn't wanna make, the ones I was terrified to make. [30:04.1 – 30:14.4] I decided, “Holy crap, this really does pertain to me.” I was one of those people that would– I'd try to– I, I would pick out the steps that looked easy [30:14.4 – 30:19.6] and da, da, da, and do that for a little bit and, um, and, and then I'd get to the hard ones, and I'd be like, “No. [30:19.6 – 30:27.0] No, no, I don't want an inventory.” “Ew, no.” And I'd go back out and use, right? [30:27.0 – 30:29.3] And then I'm like, “Okay, I guess I gotta do the fourth step. [30:29.3 – 30:30.2] All right, I'll do that. [30:30.2 – 30:34.7] Okay.” And so I would, um, I would do the fourth step, and then I'd be like, “Oh, crap. [30:34.7 – 30:36.5] I gotta tell someone this stuff? [30:36.5 – 30:36.8] No. [30:36.8 – 30:42.0] Oh, God, I can't tell somebody that.” And, um, and I wouldn't do it, and I'd go back out and use. [30:42.0 – 30:45.5] I literally did this with every step, guys, and so this explains that window. [30:45.5 – 30:50.9] Like, every step I had to test the waters and make sure it pertained to me, make sure I was the real McCoy. [30:50.9 – 31:00.9] And, um, the whole point of that is I had, in the, in that year, combined with God's grace and my willingness to [31:00.9 – 31:09.1] dive into all of the steps, all of the steps, even the ones that are terrifying, um, I made it that year. [31:09.1 – 31:21.0] And on the exact day of my real one-year sobriety date, I sat in a meeting, and, um, a woman who scared me, um, [31:21.0 – 31:31.0] was chairing the meeting, and she opened the book, um, to the page in Into Action, to the instructions for the, for the fifth step, um, where [31:31.0 – 31:38.6] it talks about, um, “We presented to the world we– the face we, we presented to the world the face we wanted them to see. [31:38.6 – 31:47.2] We wa– He wanted to deserve a certain reputation, but he knew in his heart he didn't deserve it.” And guys, it hit me like a ton of bricks. [31:47.2 – 31:52.6] It hit me like a ton of bricks just sitting there, and I knew it was a God thing, and I knew it was that crossroads. [31:52.6 – 32:02.6] I knew it was that moment where it was like either I was gonna cl– get clear, raise my hand, and be like, “I, I don't– I know I picked up a year chip three months ago, but [32:02.6 – 32:04.9] that wasn't real,” and get honest. [32:04.9 – 32:14.7] Or I was gonna keep the secret, keep it to myself out of fear, out of pride, not tell anyone, and then I was gonna shoot dope, and I knew it right then. [32:14.7 – 32:16.0] And, um, so I did. [32:16.0 – 32:20.9] I raised my little hand, shaky as it was, and I got honest. [32:20.9 – 32:23.1] And, um, I continued. [32:23.1 – 32:28.8] From that moment on, um, that was just a powerful, powerful day in my sobriety, guys. [32:28.8 – 32:34.0] I can't impart to you enough how important, how important honesty is to me. [32:34.0 – 32:37.0] The honesty is so important because I was such a liar. [32:37.0 – 32:40.2] I was– I would just lie about stuff I didn't need to lie about. [32:40.2 – 32:50.2] Lies just– They– My, my default, right, is to lie when the truth would even be simpler, it would be easier, da da da da da, but the [32:50.2 – 32:51.3] lie just comes out. [32:51.3 – 32:52.7] That's me in my own power. [32:52.7 – 32:58.6] Um, and that day, that being such a– Holy cow. [32:58.6 – 32:59.9] Wow. [32:59.9 – 33:01.1] Oh, gosh. [33:01.1 – 33:07.9] Um, um, that day was a really, really big moment for me, um, in my sobriety. [33:07.9 – 33:12.1] It– Everything turned on a dime that day. [33:12.1 – 33:15.1] I went from kinda keeping secrets, just like I had always done. [33:15.1 – 33:25.3] What was different for me is that in the past, in trying to keep up appearances, in trying to present to you guys what I thought you guys wanted to see 'cause I wanted [33:25.3 – 33:35.8] you to like me or to, you know, whatever, and I was so afraid that if I got honest that, you know, uh, that you guys would eat me or you'd all run away or, you know, [33:35.8 – 33:38.5] whatever that ambiguous fear is, right? [33:38.5 – 33:48.8] Um, today, um, what that looks like is to me the rigorous [33:48.8 – 33:51.9] honesty sometimes turns into just almost like stupidity. [33:51.9 – 33:52.7] You know what I mean? [33:52.7 – 34:02.3] Whereas, like, even my husband, who's, like– who desperately wanted to see me get sober and to recover, even he'll be like, “Well, that wasn't nec- that wasn't necessary. [34:02.3 – 34:12.4] They didn't even ask that.” And I mean, but I'm so I mean, like, on an insurance form and, you know, like stuff like that, and I'm going into, like, the gory, like, “Oh, yes, I was an [34:12.4 – 34:17.8] IV heroin addict,” and la da da da da, and, like, into the gory details that they didn't e- they didn't even ask for, right? [34:20.8 – 34:31.0] Truth is my reasoning for it is because I was, again, I was such a liar that that psychic change, that one hundred and eighty degree change for me looks [34:31.0 – 34:41.0] like just blurting it out, just relying, relaxing back into the truth and knowing that God's got it, you know, um, rather than trying to manage what I'm saying [34:41.0 – 34:44.8] just to, well, to get what I want, to snatch what I can out of the show. [34:44.8 – 34:50.4] Um, God, you guys, I feel like I've– I, I just went kind of on a tangent there and lost my train of thought. [34:50.4 – 34:53.7] But, um, do I have till nine thirty? [34:53.7 – 34:56.0] Yeah? [34:56.0 – 34:57.4] Huh? [34:57.4 – 34:58.1] Okay. [34:58.1 – 34:59.0] Sweet. [34:59.0 – 35:03.4] Um, um, I was thinking I had to wrap it up at nine. [35:03.4 – 35:04.0] I'm so sorry. [35:04.0 – 35:14.3] Um, so bottom line, where, where that day got me, my actual raising my hand in that meeting, get-getting honest, it got me to a place where [35:14.3 – 35:15.9] I was able to let down my guard. [35:15.9 – 35:22.0] I was able to walk into, into the rooms, into the fellowship, and actually begin to actually be who I really am. [35:22.0 – 35:32.2] And, um, as a result of, of being willing to– Still to this day, guys, there's a lot, [35:32.2 – 35:34.2] there's a lot of this stuff I don't wanna do. [35:34.2 – 35:36.0] Like, I'll have a sponsee call, right? [35:36.0 – 35:43.9] And I'll see the name on the phone, like, pop up, and I'll be like, “Oh, no.” And I– Do you guys have those? [35:43.9 – 35:44.7] You get it. [35:44.7 – 35:45.2] You get it. [35:45.2 – 35:46.6] Not that one. [35:46.6 – 35:48.4] Oh, it's a crisis again. [35:48.4 – 35:49.8] Yeah. [35:49.8 – 35:51.0] Whoo! [35:51.0 – 35:54.4] What's funny about that is I was always the crisis, right? [35:54.4 – 36:01.7] And like, I know probably a hundred sponsors out there were, like, ripping their hair out when they'd see my name pop up on the phone. [36:01.7 – 36:04.3] And here's– There's even, like, karmic debt here. [36:04.3 – 36:06.0] But, um– And it's not. [36:06.0 – 36:08.6] It's– What it is, is my– I answer it. [36:08.6 – 36:09.4] I answer it. [36:09.4 – 36:11.9] I mean, it's like I see that name pop up, and I answer it. [36:11.9 – 36:20.6] The gift, and this is, this is the whole thing that I wanted to talk about as far as summing up my life as escape, as an escape, right? [36:20.6 – 36:22.0] It's like I was constantly… [36:22.0 – 36:25.1] Let's divert to the Big Book. [36:25.1 – 36:26.3] Why not? [36:26.3 – 36:34.9] Jeff was saying, uh, I can't insert heroin addicts because that other fellowship doesn't like it, but I'm gonna do it. [36:34.9 – 36:44.9] Guys, that thing I was trying to escape all those years and that I just could not, I, [36:44.9 – 36:55.1] that– I, I was, I was just going here and there and putting this on top of it and putting heroin on top of it and putting cocaine on top of it and running to this place and trying to wrest satisfaction and happiness out of the world [36:55.1 – 36:56.1] to finally manage it. [36:56.1 – 37:04.3] Well, what I was trying to escape was this, page sixty-two: “Selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. [37:04.3 – 37:11.3] Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows, and they retaliate. [37:11.3 – 37:20.4] Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self, which later place us in a position to be hurt. [37:20.4 – 37:25.0] So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. [37:25.0 – 37:34.2] They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.” And this is the important, important part for me. [37:34.2 – 37:38.7] “Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. [37:38.7 – 37:41.1] We must, or it kills us. [37:41.1 – 37:47.8] God makes that possible.” The reason I wanted to read that is because that's exactly what it is, guys. [37:47.8 – 37:49.8] I just get stuck in the prism of me. [37:49.8 – 37:51.2] Like, I just get stuck in it. [37:51.2 – 37:53.0] Even leading up to this talk, I do. [37:53.0 – 37:55.5] I just, I cave in on myself in fear. [37:55.5 – 37:57.7] Like, do you guys, you guys get what I'm talking about? [37:57.7 – 38:05.2] Where it's like suddenly this whole thing is, like, all about me and what you think of me and how am I gonna be fabulous up here and, like… [38:05.2 – 38:05.7] R-right? [38:05.7 – 38:09.2] And I get stuck on that, and I get miserable. [38:09.2 – 38:10.2] What's that about? [38:10.2 – 38:11.1] What is that about? [38:11.1 – 38:12.1] Where does that come from? [38:12.1 – 38:16.2] That is that thing that I have felt since I was a little kid, right? [38:16.2 – 38:23.2] The beautiful part about this, the beautiful part about the steps and God is that I have, I have instructions. [38:23.2 – 38:26.0] There's some stuff to do when that happens. [38:26.0 – 38:28.0] Jeff told me not to pound on this thing. [38:28.0 – 38:29.7] Is it okay if I pound on this? [38:29.7 – 38:31.3] Um. [38:31.3 – 38:34.8] There's some instructions. [38:34.8 – 38:35.9] I got stuff to do. [38:35.9 – 38:37.0] It still happens. [38:37.0 – 38:38.6] I'm not walking on cloud nine. [38:38.6 – 38:39.6] I still get afraid. [38:39.6 – 38:41.2] I get afraid nearly every day. [38:41.2 – 38:43.4] I just have some stuff to do. [38:43.4 – 38:44.2] Um… [38:44.2 – 38:56.1] I [38:56.1 – 39:00.4] spent my entire life trying to self-destruct, right? [39:00.4 – 39:09.8] I mean, it's like I can't think of anything more self-destructive, and there's some other stuff that you guys can ask me about after my– after this talk, um, 'cause I've tried to self-destruct in just about every way known to man. [39:09.8 – 39:14.8] But there is something, um, extraordinarily self-destructive about jamming a piece of metal in your arm, right? [39:14.8 – 39:16.6] Um, we can all get down with that. [39:16.6 – 39:20.8] I was just trying to escape this selfishness and self-centeredness. [39:20.8 – 39:21.3] That's it. [39:21.3 – 39:22.4] That's all I wanted. [39:22.4 – 39:32.6] What I, what I have gotten as a result of working these steps and what I am, um, seeking to do today is, [39:32.6 – 39:37.4] instead of self-destruction, I get to seek the destruction of self-centeredness. [39:37.4 – 39:39.3] I was joking with my husband. [39:39.3 – 39:46.3] I'm like, “Sweet, that means I still get to destroy something.” I get to seek the destruction of self-centeredness, right? [39:46.3 – 39:48.4] 'Cause man, I like to destroy. [39:48.4 – 39:49.6] I like to be destructive. [39:49.6 – 39:50.1] I mean, I do. [39:50.1 – 39:52.2] So how, how cool is that? [39:52.2 – 39:54.4] That it's like even right out of the book, it told me so. [39:54.4 – 39:59.3] Um, that by working these steps, that's what I'm aiming to do. [39:59.3 – 40:04.3] I'm aiming to get connected to a power greater than myself, which can solve my problem. [40:04.3 – 40:06.6] Um, and again, my problem is me. [40:06.6 – 40:08.7] Heroin was never my problem. [40:08.7 – 40:10.3] You guys get that? [40:10.3 – 40:11.6] Anybody, anybody, right? [40:11.6 – 40:13.3] Like, heroin was never my problem. [40:13.3 – 40:14.3] That was my solution. [40:14.3 – 40:16.2] And I know we kind of hear that a lot. [40:16.2 – 40:22.2] But that's why I wanted to emphasize so much that it works. [40:22.2 – 40:23.5] Of course, it works. [40:23.5 – 40:30.8] Um, I was talking with one of my sponsees the other day, and she's got– She's having some trouble with a roommate who's gotten loaded. [40:30.8 – 40:34.2] She– My, my sponsee is perplexed. [40:34.2 – 40:44.4] She's like, “Well, she's getting loaded, but, you know, she seems so much happier.” And I'm like, “Of course she seems [40:44.4 – 40:44.9] happier. [40:44.9 – 40:47.5] She was in untreated alcoholism. [40:47.5 – 40:49.0] She wasn't working the steps. [40:49.0 – 40:52.3] She, she, she wasn't trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others. [40:52.3 – 40:56.1] And of course she was miserable, and of course she's better now. [40:56.1 – 41:02.2] Weren't you?” And, and I– That raises the hair on my arms, you guys, because that was absolutely the case. [41:02.2 – 41:09.0] If I am not seeking God through the steps, I-I'm freaking miserable. [41:09.0 – 41:10.8] I wanna crawl out of my skin. [41:10.8 – 41:19.6] I mean, I, I am either gonna seek a solution through God or I'm gonna seek a solution through dope. [41:19.6 – 41:20.4] I mean, that's it. [41:20.4 – 41:23.8] If we just wanna get right down to it right now, that's it. [41:23.8 – 41:27.0] Um, the mental obsession has been removed. [41:27.0 – 41:28.3] That's why I say recovered. [41:28.3 – 41:33.7] The mental obsession, um, if, if I haven't put any dope in my body, I'm not suffering from the physical allergy. [41:33.7 – 41:35.6] I don't have the phenomenal craving, right? [41:35.6 – 41:36.9] So that's good, right? [41:36.9 – 41:39.1] Second part, mental obsession, right? [41:39.1 – 41:40.2] That's been removed. [41:40.2 – 41:44.6] I no longer have the obsession to change the way I feel, to stick a needle in my arm, to do that, right? [41:44.6 – 41:51.8] The part I have to stay on top of every single day is that third part, is the spiritual part. [41:51.8 – 41:55.1] This is the ism, the internal spiritual malady. [41:55.1 – 41:57.5] We find that in, in the Preamble on page fifty-two. [41:57.5 – 42:01.3] It's just sum it right up with, “I am unhappy,” right? [42:01.3 – 42:10.3] Um, and at any given moment, I mean, the book talks about maintaining. [42:10.3 – 42:11.7] Maintaining. [42:11.7 – 42:16.6] It's, it's about that maintaining my sm- the, the maintenance of my spiritual growth. [42:16.6 – 42:20.1] Every single day, it's the spiritual aspect I gotta work on. [42:20.1 – 42:27.2] I don't have to worry about the mental part or the physical part 'cause God takes care of that as long as I'm staying connected to God. [42:27.2 – 42:39.0] And the way that I do that is by continually taking my own inventory, continuing to do things I'm afraid of, continuing to do things that I don't wanna do, conti– I [42:39.0 – 42:42.1] wish that I could stand up here as the girl that was just– I mean, I'm not. [42:42.1 – 42:46.2] I mean, and I, I feel like maybe I might have some kindred spirits in here. [42:46.2 – 42:53.9] I'm used to, like I said, standing up in a room full of– Well, I, I qualify as, as an alcoholic as well, but they're not. [42:53.9 – 42:55.7] They're not my peeps the way you guys are my peeps. [42:56.0 – 43:00.4] These people are get– Those people get terrified when you start talking about things like needles, you know? [43:00.4 – 43:09.0] So I don't do that in that room. [43:09.0 – 43:16.8] In that room I do– In that room, I identify as an alcoholic because I am an alcoholic. [43:16.8 – 43:21.1] But again, you guys are my peeps and I– and my kindred spirits, and I know, um… [43:21.1 – 43:25.9] We gotta seek this. [43:25.9 – 43:31.9] We were some– I mean, out there, out there on the street, we are some of the most desperate folks I've ever seen. [43:31.9 – 43:33.1] I mean, it's like, right? [43:33.1 – 43:40.9] Like we're– we do some crazy, crazy stuff, like seeking that with the desperation of a drowning man, for sure, right? [43:40.9 – 43:46.7] Um, when we come in here, it is my belief that it's gotta be that same thing for us. [43:46.7 – 43:53.7] Um, and, and so that ridiculous, stupid, rigorous honesty that I'm talking about is so important for me. [43:53.7 – 44:02.2] Uh, the the answering the phone for the sponsee that I've talked to fourteen times that day and just don't want to again is so important for me. [44:02.2 – 44:10.2] Um, because the truth is, if I am not doing that stuff, I do, I just get miserable, and I just– I want to escape again. [44:10.2 – 44:14.1] My escape today, um… [44:14.1 – 44:21.3] Um, I wanna read again. [44:21.3 – 44:25.8] Um, and this is from page twenty-eight. [44:25.8 – 44:30.6] And I know I just mentioned it, but it's important. [44:30.6 – 44:39.0] Uh, it's important to me, and it says, “We, in our terms, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. [44:39.0 – 44:46.2] What seemed at first a flimsy reed has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. [44:46.2 – 44:55.2] A new life has been given us, or if you prefer, a design for living that really works.” Um, and that is absolutely what I have found in this book. [44:55.2 – 45:05.4] Um, my life today, my life today looks like I have a family [45:05.4 – 45:08.6] that actually want– will allow me in their house. [45:08.6 – 45:10.4] I have a key to these folks' house. [45:10.4 – 45:12.7] Like, I mean, that's crazy. [45:12.7 – 45:13.3] That's crazy. [45:13.3 – 45:19.9] I, I have a little sister that actually flew across the country to come see me here and support me here. [45:19.9 – 45:23.1] I mean, this room, you guy- We, we are miracles. [45:23.1 – 45:33.5] Like I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be standing at a podium with a microphone at the first Heroin Anonymous [45:33.5 – 45:34.8] World Convention. [45:34.8 – 45:35.9] I just didn't. [45:35.9 – 45:36.1] I just didn't. [45:36.1 – 45:46.5] I'm [45:46.5 – 45:54.1] still proce-processing it now like I'm like, like– I don't know if I've completely absorbed the fact that I'm actually up here. [45:54.1 – 46:00.2] Um, my life today looks like I can be where I say I'm gonna be. [46:00.2 – 46:01.9] That's a big deal. [46:01.9 – 46:05.2] That's a big deal, 'cause I was the biggest flake ever, you know? [46:05.2 – 46:08.8] Um, people can trust me today. [46:08.8 – 46:09.9] I mean, people can… [46:09.9 – 46:14.2] People can trust me to not take their stuff. [46:14.2 – 46:15.6] People can trust me. [46:15.6 – 46:19.8] And that's a, that's a big deal, like, 'cause I was the biggest thief there was, you know? [46:19.8 – 46:30.1] Um, um, I wanna talk more ab-about this because this is the part that is actually– [46:30.1 – 46:40.3] that when I step back and I, and I look at getting from point A to here, this is where I know, I know that there [46:40.3 – 46:44.8] is a huge God out there that is working big time in my life. [46:44.8 – 46:54.9] Because from a person who was absolutely selfish and self-centered to my very, very core, I talked a little bit about the women that I work [46:54.9 – 46:57.0] with and, and the sponsees that I have. [46:57.0 – 47:07.3] But every now and then, when I just– when I kind of objectively step out of myself and look at my life and think, “There are women out there that I have sponsored, [47:07.3 – 47:11.5] that have sponsees, that have sponsees,” and I don't wanna lie, that have sponsees. [47:11.5 – 47:14.5] Sorry about that. [47:14.5 – 47:24.6] Um, and when I think about the ripple ef-effect in the pond that I used to make, that negative ripple effect that everybody's terrified and, [47:24.6 – 47:34.5] and the family's wondering if I'm dead, and it– that ripple is just going out into the universe, just that negative ripple effect that's affecting people that I don't even know that it's affecting. [47:34.5 – 47:45.5] To today, to the tiny, tiny little bit of a, of a ripple that I'm having in the other direction to try to [47:45.5 – 47:49.3] do my very best to carry this message to somebody else that still suffers. [47:49.3 – 47:52.2] Um, I don't always know what I'm doing. [47:52.2 – 47:53.0] I really don't. [47:53.0 – 48:00.0] I mean, it's like half the time the girl comes to me, like, thinking that I can solve her problem, and I'm like, “Oh, you're in real trouble, like, if I'm gonna solve your problem. [48:00.0 – 48:01.4] I can't even solve my problem. [48:01.4 – 48:05.7] Like I, I can't even run my life, much less your life. [48:05.7 – 48:15.7] You need God for that, right?” And so every now and then, I gotta do that double check of, like, making sure my side of the street's clean, making sure that my stuff is [48:15.7 – 48:22.0] clean so that my connection to God is good, so that I can then teach someone else how to get that connection to God. [48:22.0 – 48:30.2] If I let that stuff start to back up, I start trying to run the show and begin to believe that I'm doing this rather than God. [48:30.2 – 48:31.8] That's the scary part. [48:31.8 – 48:32.3] Yeah. [48:32.3 – 48:37.2] Um, and that's where all– that's where, that's where these steps truly come in. [48:37.2 – 48:40.2] That's where the inventory work starts to come– starts to really come in. [48:40.2 – 48:48.4] I get to, I get to go in there and dig around and be like, “Oh, yeah, seeing a little, uh, victim of the delusion there,” you know? [48:48.4 – 48:58.5] 'Cause I can even, I can even become a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of the world if I could only manage this sponsee's life [48:58.5 – 49:01.4] this way, or if I could only do this, right? [49:01.4 – 49:12.3] Um, and The truth of all of this, guys, is that [49:12.3 – 49:15.8] I am a real, real deal heroin addict. [49:15.8 – 49:21.9] And that if I can stand up here and speak for I don't even know how long it's been, I've just lo-lost track of time. [49:21.9 – 49:31.9] Um, if I can stand up here and speak tonight and try to pass this message to someone else, and I can stand here before you and be like, “I haven't [49:31.9 – 49:39.9] had to shoot dope since October tenth of two thousand and ten.” Technically since– I haven't shot any dope since July of two thousand and ten. [49:39.9 – 49:42.2] You know, but the little Vicodin thing, eh. [49:42.2 – 49:45.6] That's a freaking miracle. [49:45.6 – 49:52.7] That's a miracle, and that's really the most important thing that I can even say up here, is that if I can do this, then anybody can do this. [49:52.7 – 50:00.3] I'm sure you guys have caught on to my, like, scatterbrained ADD, like, can't, you know, string coherent sentences together by now. [50:00.3 – 50:04.9] Um, but the truth is, it doesn't matter. [50:04.9 – 50:06.2] It doesn't matter. [50:06.2 – 50:09.1] What matters is that I have found a solution. [50:09.1 – 50:14.7] I have found a solution to my problem and, um, I wanna leave you guys with this. [50:14.7 – 50:38.4] “Simple [50:38.4 – 50:39.1] but not easy. [50:39.1 – 50:40.6] A price had to be paid. [50:40.6 – 50:43.3] It meant destruction of self-centeredness. [50:43.3 – 50:48.2] I must turn in all things to the Father of light who presides over us all. [50:48.2 – 50:55.9] These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was, was electric. [50:55.9 – 51:00.3] There was a sense of victory followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. [51:00.3 – 51:01.8] There was utter confidence. [51:01.8 – 51:06.7] I felt lifted up as though the great clean wind of a mountaintop blew through and through. [51:06.7 – 51:17.6] God comes to most men gradually, but his impact on me was sudden and profound.” What I can say, um, I'm one of those that God has come to gradually, [51:17.6 – 51:20.2] um, but the effect has absolutely been profound. [51:20.2 – 51:23.9] Um, and I so appreciate you guys listening to me ramble on up here. [51:23.9 – 51:24.9] Thank you so much.