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Source: Various S – Being Less Than Perfect – RS 17658 – 1990-07-04.mp3 File: various-s-being-less-than-perfect-rs-17658-1990-07-04.mp3 Duration: 01:13:37
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I wonder should I say good morning my name is Peter I'm an alcoholic oh I like that this is the who doll meeting of the 1990 World Convention I don't know whether I like that or not but that'll work let me see here it says to read the preamble I'm just gonna try and follow directions you know we alcoholics have a hard time doing that so I'll try real hard here it says alcoholics anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism the only requirement for membership is a I'll get it right desire to stop drinking there are no dues or fees for a membership we are self-supporting through our own contributions AA is not allied with any sect denomination politics organization or institution does not wish to engage in any controversy neither endorses nor opposes any causes our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety now we have an anonymity statement I used to be able to say that oh where's that anonymity statement it's right here this is really nice the way they've got this all laid out here okay there are some here who may not be familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the level of press radio and films our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press radio and films thus we respectively ask that no AA speaker or indeed any member be identified by full name in published or broadcast reports of our meetings the assurance of anonymity is essential in our effect to help other problem drinkers who may wish to share our recovery program with us and our tradition of anonymity reminds us that AA principles came before come before personalities Ernie is going to read how it works for us hi I'm Ernie and I'm an alcoholic addict how it works rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program unusually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves there are such unfortunates they are not at fault they seem to have been born that way they are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty their chances are less than average there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like what happened and what we are like now if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it and you are ready to take certain steps our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like what happened and what we are like now if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then you're ready to take certain steps at some of these we bought we thought we can find an easier softer way but we could not with all the earnestness at our command we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideals and the result was nil until we let go absolutely remember that we deal with alcohol cunning baffling and powerful without help it is too much for us but there is one who has all power that one is God may you find him now half measures availed us nothing we stood at the turning point we asked his protection and care with complete abandonment here are the steps we took what's our suggestion as a program of recovery one we admit it we were powerless over alcohol that our lives have become unmanageable to came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity three made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him four made a searching and fearless morale inventory of ourselves five admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs six we're entirely ready to have God remove all
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these defects of character seven humbly asked him to remove all our shortcomings eight made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all nine made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others ten continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it eleven sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him praying only for the knowledge of his will and for us and the power to carry that out twelve having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs many of us exclaim what an order I can't go through with it do not be discouraged no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles we are not saints the point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines the principles we have set down our guides to progress we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection our description of the alcoholic the chapter to agnostic and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideals a that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives be that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism see that God could and would if he were sought don't fall down on your way down there and I know you're real nervous nice to see somebody up here shaking more than I am our speaker for this evening comes all the way from Perth Australia and she's going to she's going to share with us her experience on being less than perfect and this is Christian hi everyone my name is Christian and I'm an alcoholic it's both terrifying and wonderful to be here with you tonight I've never spoken in front of an audience like this and actually I got a letter from Merv H quite some time ago now saying would I like to speak and I happen to be at my sponsor's place I was having my mail sent there at the time and I said oh Carrie I've been asked to speak on being less than perfect and she said in all seriousness Christian you won't be able to speak on that and I said why Carrie and she said and I sort of was really taken aback and thought why not and she said because you're perfect and I mean that that is what I have been I've just I've just tipped my water over it wasn't even my water yeah and I have not been able to get myself together about talking on this subject precisely because that is my problem I've always had to be perfect and I was just perfect at everything supposedly I mean I wasn't at all and that's the struggle that I've had in sobriety despite going on a feeling at times absolutely nothing nothing at all and then at other times thinking I was just so fantastic I mean that was my pattern before and that's what this program has been trying to break down on me and boy have I thought I have fought tooth and nail to not come to terms with the way that I am yeah we've got a program back in Perth at an alcohol institute and and they I think you've got a similar one here I forget where it is right now and they talk about people playing certain roles within a family and one of them is the lost child and in my family I was a lost child one of the speakers that I heard
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at this Institute said that the the lost child is the saddest person of all in the family because they are just cut off from reality and they're no trouble they just sit in their room and they don't do anything they are so good and that was me I was so good and that was exactly what my parents used to say about me we don't have to worry about Christian she is she is such a good child but what they didn't know was what was going on inside of me I mean I was in fantasyland I escaped into books because reality was too harsh for me I yeah I was the youngest of four children and it was just like the second speaker tonight I forget her name I I just didn't feel as I fitted in and I didn't fit in at school I used to get in trouble with the teachers precisely because I was so withdrawn from reality and I was a very sad little girl I picked up a drink at 15 years of age and as I've heard many people say it took the pain away and for a long time I thought that alcohol was my friend yeah I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't have got to AA who knows but you know I was headed on a path of destruction I not only had a problem with alcohol I was really anti-social I hated men I blamed men for all the problems in my life I went to uni and joined the women's movement and I was that thing of I am I'm okay I'm fine it's it's men's fault that I'm the way I am and I had to come into this program and find out that all the all the problems were my own with nothing to do with the way I was treated by anybody else it all had to do with me and my sponsor has worked with me on this problem of not owning the way I am and as a shorter time ago as what was it about six months ago she got me to do another inventory she said write down all your fears and no she didn't she said write down all your resentments and I wrote them down and I gave them to her and then we had for me what was probably the most horrific session I've had in my sobriety because she was able to show me that everything that I blamed other people for were the things that were going on inside of me and I was still after eight and a bit years of sobriety blaming other people for my problems and I was in incredible pain for quite a while but it in fact was the most healing thing that has ever happened to me because I finally owned it and said it is not my family's fault it's not my friends fault it's not society's fault it's my problem and I've got to deal with it and so I've yeah I'm changing now I'm changing to become the sort of person that I hope you know I'm going to eventually be okay but uh you know I mean it's just been a real struggle for me How long have I been speaking for?
I don't know Two minutes It's really wonderful to be here at this convention I was at Montreal five years ago but I was five years less sober and there was nothing wrong with Montreal but I am enjoying this convention so much more because of the way I am I'm able to reach out more to other people and give of myself yeah so it's just really wonderful to be here it's just the most amazing experience I've ever had and I think I'll leave it at that thanks One of the really nice things about being less than perfect is you can do stupid things,
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you know, and then you get to laugh about it. I was practicing one of the principles of the program there where it says about being useful, you know, and I put this glass of water right there, and of course not realizing that that was a little sabotage, and then the next thing I got to think was, hey, you know what? I'm going to benefit from her experience and I'm not going to do that again tonight. Our next speaker comes from Oxnard, California and his name is Cliff. There's no water there, Cliff. Hi, I'm Cliff C. from Oxnard. I'm alcoholic and it's good to be here. I should have looked out here before I walked up. You know, I looked down, I turned. Yeah, less than perfect. Definitely less than perfect. I'm enjoying the convention right now. Really less than perfect, you know, I don't know whether anybody out there can relate. I can come here to something I've been waiting for so long and walk in and just implode. I mean, I get to this convention and just fall into myself, and I did that for all day, all day yesterday, you know, and just felt like crap and everybody's walking around smiling and, you know, and just wanted to, I know, I know, and I wanted to go to a meeting and I just kept wandering around and I couldn't find a meeting. Well, this was early this morning, and I went into the, I went in and sat down at a meeting and it was the Gay Unity meeting, and it was a great meeting, you know, and they were talking about, they were talking about, I can't remember their theme, but it was are we different from the other alcoholics, and it was great because I was sitting in there feeling like, yeah, I know what you guys mean, yeah, you know, I mean, I don't feel like anybody else out there like you're talking about, and I think, well, maybe I'm gay, you know, but no, I'm not gay, you know, that's another yet, I don't know, you know, that's, I don't know, you know, all I know is I was sitting here at the end of the last meeting, I was sitting there and I was, they were talking about, I was thinking I wanted to come up here, you know, just to walk up and say hi to everybody, I love everybody, just so that I could have talked at this convention, I mean, yeah, that would be so great, but I didn't do it, you know, I just sat there and then they asked if anybody wanted to come up, and I sat there and I was thinking, you know, I've been moving towards a drink all day long, not that I was going to drink, but my sponsor Bob K and Oxnard says I'm either, I'm either moving towards or away from a drink all the time, you know, I'm never in the middle, and I just felt like I was moving towards a drink all day, and if I walked up those steps I'd be moving away from it, you know, if I got involved, and I, well don't clap, because I still didn't do it, I laid there on the ground, you know, and I walked out the door and this guy grabbed me and said, hey, you want to speak, and I said, no, okay, you know, so God did for me what I couldn't do and I feel good now, you know, because I did get involved, and I got to say my sponsor's name, you know, and he'll be happy, I don't have to buy him a t-shirt now, I don't know, was that five minutes, I guess I'll just, I'll run out of time, yeah, I'll just say one more thing, you know, before I came here, a little over a year ago, I couldn't even walk in the 7-Eleven and buy bread and look at the girl behind the counter in the eye, I mean, I was just terrified of people, you know, and, you know, to think that I could stand up here and be scared, but not be afraid, you know, I'm not afraid, it's just a miracle, a miracle for me, and I want to thank everybody for letting me, letting me speak here, thank
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you. Thanks, Cliff. You know, another benefit of being less than perfect is one of the promises says that we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves, you know, and that's where that deal of being less than perfect comes in, because then we get to find out all kinds of neat things that our higher power can do for us, and I'll have to tell a little tale on myself, Merv over here, stand up, Merv, Merv, okay, wave, Merv's in charge of the marathon deal here for the next 24 hours, and I was really thoroughly impressed with the way he prepared, you know, he's got this beautiful little packet put together for everybody, and he made 49 million copies and made sure everybody that was gonna secretary had a copy, and I was doing a good job and going around and getting all my speakers all lined up and all my greeters all lined up and packing this thing around with me, and I've got three vans that I drive during the course of the week, and I think that my copy is still about 50 miles north locked up in one of my vans I left on a job site. So anyway, I got to practice the ninth tradition, which says we ought not be organized. Leslie from LA, would you come up here for a minute? We've got a special little treat here. Is there, right? Where did Leslie from LA go? Oh, Leslie, there she is.
This, this little gal is from Hollywood, doesn't she look like it? And she came up to me and she says, she says, are you in charge tonight? And I says, no, I'm just a humble servant. And then, and then she says, I gotta speak tonight, I gotta speak. And I says, well, why is that? She says, because I'm four years old today. Well, that's not exactly the way it went. Hey, how about happy birthday? Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Leslie. Happy birthday to you.
Go ahead and try and talk. My name's Leslie and I'm an alcoholic. I'm really happy to be here. Those were some sweet words. Thanks for being here with me tonight. Four years doesn't seem like that long, but it's longer than I could ever put together on my own, I'll tell you. This year's been an interesting one and a lot of things have happened, but the bottom line I've learned is I don't have to drink no matter what. And the more I'm willing to reach out and let people into my life, the more God touches me. And I don't know, I'm 29 years old and I bottomed out when I was 25 and I'd been drinking for 20 years at that time. So, I don't know, in LA, we start early. So, we know how to party, too. So, I don't know, this disease just had kicked me and it kicked me pretty hard.
And I thought my life was over. And I could really relate to the speaker at the Kingdome tonight saying that she just couldn't look in the mirror. When I got here, I was wearing size 34 men's pants and a men's shirt that came down to my knees and I never brushed my hair or anything. You know, it's just like too much work to brush my teeth and brush my hair. You know, I mean, that's not the life I live today. And today, I can hold my head up and be glad to be who I am.
And not to say that I don't have disappointments and things, but it's like I'm just grateful for the lessons this program has taught me. So, I don't know what's going to happen next, but it's just another opportunity to grow. I mean, don't we hate that word? But I'm really happy to be here and thanks for helping me celebrate my birthday. Thanks, Leslie. How about we hear from Kathy from Canton, Massachusetts.
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I'm an alcoholic and my name is Kathy. And I'm going to lose my voice. It may be my higher power doing for me what I can't do for myself tonight. You know, I learned early in sobriety that whenever asked or called upon to help out or share at an AA meeting, never say no when you get what you need, I guess, or you just get what you get. And when he said being less than perfect, I went, perfect, perfect, what's perfect, you know? Four years ago, I knew what perfect was. Today, I know I don't know what perfect is and I'm damn glad.
I'm the oldest daughter of an Irish Catholic family, which lets you know that I was set up from the get-go. I have six brothers and sisters and by saying Irish and Catholic, you know my father's an alcoholic. And I was the can-do kid in my family. I could do for everybody else, but I couldn't do for Kathy. And it took me almost 37 years to realize that. Whenever anybody else was in a hole or up Schitt's Creek, Kathy went and shoveled them out.
And when Kathy got back home, Kathy drank herself into oblivion. You know, I took care of my parents. I bailed my father out of little Jim's here and I was my mother's mother in her codependency and I did for all these other people. And it took me a long time to realize that the expectations and the things that I had set up for myself and upon other people just led me back again and again and again and again and again to a drink, you know? It was the definition of insanity. I just kept doing it over and over and over again.
I have a younger sister who today, thank God, is healthy and happy and is back home in Massachusetts with a brand new baby. But some 15 years ago, she was being enabled all over the place by the entire family for her use and abuse. And we continued to do that for her. And I ran to her rescue with a two-day-old baby, bailing her out again, you know? I got a call. She was in Quincy, which was probably 20 minutes from where I lived, and I had just had a brand new baby. And she had committed suicide, she told me, on the phone with a Bic Grazer.
And I didn't give it a thought. I piled two little kids and a newborn infant and a two-year-old in a car and I ran to bail my sister out, because that's what I did, you know? It was nuts. It was all of this crazy stuff. And then I come home and put the kids to bed and I drank myself into oblivion, you know, because I was going to fix her and make her better and I was going to fix that one and make that one better, you know?
At the end of my drinking, my marriage was in utter chaos and it had been that way for probably the last 10 years. My today ex-husband had walked out the door and I was still sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for the men in the white coats to come and get me as I sat there again and again and again with a half-gallon of vodka. You know, at this time my daughters were 10 and 12 years old and I just didn't know. And I couldn't fix Kathy, because inside Kathy was empty and hollow. I knew I wasn't perfect, you know? I had no great expectations for myself. I knew that whatever I got, I deserved, because I was less than.
My self-worth and my self-esteem and my self-image were below contempt, whatever. It's indescribable today, you know? I look back at who and what I was then and it totally blows me away. I was sharing with a woman this afternoon, she said she found some pictures of herself when she was active. You know, I have the good grace to have the last holiday, Christmas, that I was active. My ex-husband videotaped me charging through the living room and the family room and she was just a sight to see, that lady.
You know, she weighed 165 pounds. 55 pounds. She was ossified, she was crying, she was falling over things, but she, hell,
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she was glamorous. You know? And I don't know who she is. I have no idea who she is or who she was. All I know is that I feel very, very sorry for her. You know? And I see her face, because it's not the person that stands before you today. You know, life is, ah, life is life. You know, I have no great expectations. I had no great expectations coming out here. I didn't know what to expect. I just knew that, ah, God certainly, my higher power wanted me out here. You know, about six days ago I was being admitted to the hospital with, I have no idea what at the time, you know, and they were talking surgery and everything else. You know, and two days later I was out of the hospital and I had food poisoning and I had lost like 12 or 15 pounds in three or four days, and I'm in Seattle six days later. You know? Because that's what my higher power had planned for me. You know, ah, a week before Mother's Day my oldest daughter and I came to a, ah, a parting of the ways.
You know, she hasn't picked up a drink or a drug, but, ah, I don't have to tell you that she's genetically loaded. Um, as, as my friend Lorraine likes to tell me, the kid's as dry as dust. You know? And I have another friend who used to work in a treatment facility and I kept telling myself maybe if this kid picked up a drink at least I'd know where to take her. You know? And it all came back to me, um, how many times have I said, you know, Kevin, 25, 30. It all came back to me, um, accepting her and knowing that the woman that stands before you today is no longer a doormat. You know? Is no longer, um, less than. You know, I've been told by Red Sea, a fellow in Massachusetts that has some 39, 40 years of sobriety, that, ah, I am today a woman of honor and dignity. And in my own home with my own children I do not tolerate unacceptable behavior. This was my oldest daughter, my little fairy princess. Ah, I would kill for the kid today and I'd love it to death, but I can't live with her today. You know? And it's taken me, ah, and I'm still working on it. It's a real painful process to understand, um, that she ain't perfect and neither is her mother. You know? And with the help of God and Alcoholics Anonymous maybe we can be mother and daughter and friends again. You know, I'm just, ah, I'm overwhelmed with what, ah, I have been given without asking. You know, my higher power, and I didn't even know it when it happened, when I walked into my first meeting, ah, set me on a path and a journey that I hope never ends for me. You know? And I hope I never find perfection in this life, cause I know that's when I'll be set up to pick up a drink. You know, I want to thank each and every one of you for being here for me and, ah, God bless you all.
Thank you, Kathy. You know, there really is a place called Shit Creek. Yeah, yeah, there is. I, I used to go fishing there all the time. Yeah, we, we jigged for crappies. Well, I guess it's time for another speaker, huh? Chester M., where are you from, Chester, and where are you at? Hi. How are you? Fine. I can tell. All right. Chester's gonna tell us where he's from, cause I, I can't pronounce it anyway. Hi, everybody. My name's Chester. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Chester. I'm from, ah, I started out in the Bay Area and, ah, now I'm moving up to, ah, Yosemite, where I live kind of up there in the woods. How's that? If you want me, come up to Sonora, go to the Alano Club, and people will tell you how to find me. I'm easy to find, you know. Ah, I got snickered up here, ah, but I'm glad to be here, you know. I'm real grateful to be here. Ah, glad doesn't, glad doesn't cover it, you know. Ah, less than perfect, that's no
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problem for me. I'm not even close, you know. Ah, never have been, you know. Twenty years ago, I happened to be in, in this town for a brief time, and, ah, matter of fact, ah, twenty years ago is, is, ah, this is the place that, ah, I ended my little career, ah, you know. And the police, ah, thought I needed a break and a rest, so they picked me up and gave me a nice little place, and, ah, the judge thought that, ah, I ought to be, ah, put away like an animal, and they gave me a choice. He said, you could either go to Walla Walla here or back to California, ah, where they have some secret indictments on you, and you can deal with them. Well, I didn't know the system out here too well, but I knew in California you could play Let's Make a Deal, you know. You know, how much time do you want, what curtain, you know. And, ah, you know, so, I knew how to play the game in California, and I said, I'll go to California, you know. Ah, but I'll tell you, the condition I was in when I was here, ah, going to court, ah, I never went to court under my own steam here. Ah, I was so sick physically that, ah, I was always carried into court and I was always carried out. And, ah, ah, I barely heard what the judge was saying because I was so busy asking for a doctor, you know. I stood there and I would ask him all the time I was there, could I have a doctor see me, could I have a doctor see me, and the judge would politely say yes, and the police would politely take me back and laugh all the way because they weren't getting me a doctor and they didn't, you know. And I guess for me that was okay, you know, that was good.
Ah, I got here to California, or I got there to California rather, back to California, and started my little trek into, ah, this thing called sobriety and staying clean and sober. And I say, you know, say staying clean and sober. I'm going to share something with you that I like to share whenever I start to talk anywhere because I believe we're a big enough group today and we should be mature enough in Alcoholics Anonymous, I believe we are. I also believe that the code of Alcoholics Anonymous is love and tolerance. You know, at least that's the way I was brought up in this program.
And if that be the case, then what I want to share with you is that I'm an addict, you know, and I'm an alcoholic. And for you hardline AA people who don't like me up here talking about being an addict, ah, I'm asking you to please grow up and accept the fact that addicts do belong in Alcoholics Anonymous. You see, if it wasn't for you people in Alcoholics Anonymous, this addict here would be a dead man.
You love me back to health, you know, and you people continue to do it on a daily basis. I did not bring myself here and get myself well and I do not keep myself well. I do not have the power to do that. I haven't met a person in Alcoholics Anonymous yet, today, regardless of the number of years or what kind of speaker he is or she is or how great they may be, that's able to keep their self clean and sober without the power of these groups, even their little groups in their own hometowns. Because I've watched people walk away from these meetings thinking they had it made, thinking they were perfect and did not make it, you know. And for me, that's all I need is to watch people leave these meetings, man, and leave the love and the fellowship of this group, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous, regardless of what your disease was and die. And there's nothing I hate more than carrying caskets and burying people, you know, that you come to love and care for and share with and all that because all of a sudden you know too much, you know. And I'm speaking from some experience for myself. I've left the program several times, went off into the hills seeking that thing, that power greater than myself, thinking that's where it was, you know, on that trek. And it wasn't up there either, you know. The power I finally found and all that stuff, the God that I finally have today, besides working through you people, is one that I pray to and I've never have figured out what the answers were coming back, you know. I love the people that seem to know, you know, what they're receiving, you know, because I never get it. I just keep sending my message up, you know, because I know I'm screwed up and I need all the help I can get, so I just keep sending it. And my sponsor tells me, just keep making the call, man, because somebody keeps answering the phone, you know. And I like that, you know. So I keep doing that, you know. Anybody who knows me at all knows I'm not perfect. The guy that drove up here behind me knows that, you know. The, you know, the people that run around with me trying to make these
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meetings and shit know that, you know. Anybody I sponsor knows that. But things have happened to me in this program that I didn't expect would happen and I'm very grateful for that. One of the things that's happened that I'd like to share with you, when I got busted here 20 years ago, there was a lady that I was married to. She was pregnant at the time and I had two other kids. And when the police broke down the door and threw the shotguns on everybody, you know, my kids were just little tykes. And kids don't understand shotguns and all that stuff and they just kept dancing around. And the police said, freeze, you know, and the kids just kept dancing around. And I thought maybe they were going to get killed, you know. And luckily the police didn't pull no triggers or anything and nobody got killed.
The kid that she was pregnant with is now a member of this program. He's here at this conference. Another son of mine that was running around with the shotguns being pointed at him is a member of this program and he's at this conference. I have another son. Actually I have five boys and two girls. I won't go through the whole list. But, you know, three of them are in the program and, you know, I'm extremely grateful for that, you know.
You see, you people, man, you people, you know, you people keep loving me, keep loving me. If I hit the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous when I was sick and tired of everything because I got here sick and tired of life. When I looked at you people, I'll tell you what, I didn't see nice friendly faces. I saw people that I didn't like because I didn't fit. I got here and I didn't fit here with you, you know. I never felt like I fit here with you.
You looked too good. You looked too clean. You looked too okay. And when you talked, you talked okay, you know. And I just didn't get it, man. I didn't fit. My mouth was bad and my language was bad. And you people kept loving me back, you know. It used to drive me nuts when I would be at the meeting and an old-timer would say, come back tomorrow, Chester, you know, and we'll work on it, you know. I said, oh, shit, you know, work on what? You know, I used to hate that, you know. Very seldom they were telling me what I was working on, you know. I've been here 19 years. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm working on, you know. I got a clear message once and it was a gentleman named Cliff. You know, I hate old-timers, you know. I hate them. It was a gentleman named Cliff and my mouth was real bad. I used that four-letter word, just used it because I knew how to use it, you know. And Cliff told me after a meeting one day, you know, he came over and he just whispered in my ear and that's the kind of message I hate the most, you know, because I can't fight that one. See, if you yell in my face, then I can deal with that. But if you just whisper to me and if you're so loving that it just makes me sick, you know. And Cliff said to me, you know, Chester, you'd sound a lot better if you quit using that four-letter word. And my head, you know, my head just exploded. But, you know, but I kept my mouth shut, you know. And I walked off and the next day I was at the noon meeting and I was sharing with people, you know, why I couldn't talk all of a sudden, you know.
And I told them, you know, I said, I'm trying to find them words in that big thick dictionary that we seem to have laying around different places. The English word, you know, they go in these little spots. And Cliff, you know, I'll tell you what Cliff looked like just to give you an idea. Cliff was a guy who smoked one of them pipes, wore a hat, wore a three-piece suit all the times, had a trench coat with him at all times. You know, when he went, walked in the club, he hung it. I mean, just like Dan Boyer or somebody like that, you know, real, you know, right on kind of guy. And Cliff was sitting behind me smoking his pipe and I'm telling the group why I can't talk. And Cliff says, well, what the fuck was that word? Message, isn't it? You know, the thing that, and that's, I'll tell you something else, that fucked me up for two weeks. You know, I walked around screwed up like a big dog. But, you know, what Cliff was telling me then was that we can, we can do things here in the program. There's a way to do things here without being offensive.
And my problem was when I got here, I was offensive because I was so afraid. was offensive because I was so afraid. I was so afraid of you. I was just so afraid, you know. I'm not afraid anymore of you, you know. You have loved me and loved me enough
[00:45:03]
to where now I know how to love myself. And I love myself enough today to where I can love you back. And I can do that without expecting to have to go to bed with you or have to give you anything other than that love, you know. And that's been a long road. That didn't come real easy. And I want to thank you all for loving me back to health. Back to health. I am not perfect. I never will be. And that's the beauty of this whole deal. I get to be here with all you screwed up people, you know. And we get to share back and forth at every turn. The lady that just spoke before me got to share some of my ice cream as I was coming up an escalator, you know. And what's it about, you know? Or maybe it was a friend of hers or something. I don't know. But it sure sounded like her, you know. It wasn't you. Wrong person.
There's two people here losing their voice. She had some ice cream. But I don't know what I'm trying to say except I'm not perfect. God loves me. God's perfect, you know. And, you know, I'd like to thank the friend that snookered me up here. And if you're ever in my area, just ask at the Atlanta Club where I am. If you want my phone number, I'll give it to you. And you're welcome to come up and see me any time. Any time. I don't care what time it is. Day or night. Any time. And I have a room available for you at any time.
Thank you very much. Thanks, Chester. I just love that shotgun story of yours. I was kind of thinking about those seven kids, so apparently you had a shotgun of your own going to work there somewhere. Our next speaker comes to us from Kelowna, DC. Carolyn. I think she does. Carolyn? Oh, here she comes. Did you know you were going to do this, Carolyn? Oh, you've got a following out there, see? Thank you. Hello, everyone. I'm Carolyn. I'm an alcoholic. Wow. This is big. I got snookered up here except for I kind of thought that my buddy snuck out and gave someone my name, and I was right. Thanks, Patty. This is a girl who told me yesterday when I was going crazy that it was time we got out of town, and we jumped in my car and headed down here. And we've been on the road ever since. We had about a six-hour sleep, and things have just been crazy. And I'm real grateful to be here. I'm shaking. I guess I owe my life to Alcoholics Anonymous. I came into the program when I was 21 years old, and I didn't stay. But at that time, I was going through a lot of DTs, and I was coming off of alcohol and drugs for about the tenth time in my life. At seven, I started to drink alcohol. And at 12 years old, I started to use drugs intravenously. And at 14, I was just about dead from hepatitis, and they had to put me in hospital. And I quit using the drugs then, but I couldn't get off the alcohol. And I used alcohol to keep me sane. I think that for me, my life was, I grew up in so much pain that I just couldn't stay alive and stay sane without a buffer. So for me, alcohol and drugs kept me sane until I got into this fellowship. And I thank God for you people. I tried a lot of other, like I hear about other 12-step programs, and for me, I could qualify for just about any 12-step program out there. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. Both my brothers are users and abusers. All my mom's brothers and her parents were alcoholic and maniac behavior. So I really didn't know how to survive without some kind of buffer. We didn't have any concept of spirituality
[00:50:00]
in my house. It was shunned. If you mentioned the word God, you were kicked around. And it wasn't a pretty existence. But I kept knowing that deep down inside me, there was an answer. There was another way of life other than the way I was doing it. And I kept searching for that. And I tried a lot of different things. I grew up in a place where, oh, the place I grew up in was really horrendous. There was no way out. It was like a ghetto in Calgary, Alberta. It was a lot of native population and everybody used and abused drugs. And my neighbors were junkies and people from the reservation and stampede time. And it was a crazy existence. But I knew that somehow if I worked hard enough and just got the better of that society, I could make something out of myself and maybe feel better about myself.
So I crawled out of that way of life and I worked very, very hard at a relationship and at schooling. And I got myself an education. And I became a professional caretaker is what I did. I got into the nursing profession and I thought I could feel better about myself if I was doing for other people. And still, still deep inside I had that void, that empty place inside myself that said I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't do enough for you people to make me feel better about myself. I had a wonderful man in my life at that time when we were married and I had a daughter. And I thought each time I did this, did this something extra that would make me feel better inside. And every time I came out with the same empty, hollow feeling, it pushed me down further and further. And I was very, very hopeless when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was suicidal. My occupation didn't work.
My relationships didn't work. I didn't know how to be a mother. And every time I tried to be a mother, I was terrified that I was doing something wrong. I didn't want to pass on to my daughter what I'd gotten, but I didn't know how to do anything differently. And somehow, somehow I found myself in Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's been, it's been a real tough recovery for me. It's been a long, long hard go. But this is the third time in. I had two relapses and this is the third time in for me. And I just have so much freedom in my life today.
It's unbelievable. I love myself today. My family's getting into recovery. And I guess I got to say that it's the 12 steps of this program. When I started to work the 12 steps, I started to get well. I had to find a sponsor and make a commitment to do the steps. And it's those, those action steps four through nine that really worked for me. You know, like I had to take that inventory and look at myself and then I had to forgive myself, you know, for not knowing what to do. I had to just really think to myself that I never knew how to be normal. And I don't have to be normal today. I can just be me and I love myself. And I think forgiveness and reaching out in this program are the two big ones for me. I had to ask people and become really embarrassed and ashamed to say, well, I just don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how. And I had all these fronts, all these games I played. And to lose those games and to admit I didn't know a dick about life, it's been a real hard struggle. And Patty McDowell. I know this is anonymous, but if there's anybody here from Ontario, Patty would like to say hello. Anyway, I don't know what to say except for I'm real happy to be here. And we've had a crazy trip up here. It's just been bizarre.
I don't know where we're sleeping tonight or what we're doing, but we're here and we're sober. And that's all that matters is to be clean and sober today. And thank you all for your sobriety.
[00:55:07]
My own experience with this thing about not being perfect has really been a hard one for me. I've never liked my body. You know, and I can remember years ago at a family camp out, my dad called me the incredible bulk. You know, and standing up here this evening, I go well over 300 pounds. And I had a little incident happen the 4th of July. My wife and family and I were at one of the local 4th of July parades where my little five-year-old was in one of the floats. And some friends of ours had had these 20-year-old lawn chairs set out right there in the middle of the street, you know, just right directly across from the platform where the announcer was that was announcing all of the floats and so forth. And about 20 minutes into the parade, that 20-year-old lawn chair went out from under me and collapsed into a little green and white striped heap on the concrete. And you know, it was okay. You know, it was okay. And I didn't get overly embarrassed and I didn't get overly angry or anything. He says, well, that's the way it goes, you know. And it's really nice just to be able to accept myself the way I am today. You know, and I got a note here. I don't know whether this is, Paul, did you write this note, Paul, or you got somebody in here picking on you? Is this your own handwriting? Paul from New York, New York says, great topic. I'd like to share on it. Did you write this? You didn't write this.
My name is Paul. I'm an alcoholic from New York City. I'm also a drug addict. My drug of choice was more. A friend of mine said, since I always talk about perfectionism, that I should come up here. And I did battle with myself. The committee went into session immediately and I couldn't decide whether it was ego, self-esteem, ego, self-esteem, ego, self-esteem. And I just finally gave it up and said, you take the action and I'll let go of the results.
And my home group is Clean and Dry in Hell's Kitchen in New York City. That sounds really tough, doesn't it? Hell's Kitchen. I got sober at a midnight meeting at Times Square, which also sounds tough. So I'm real comfortable at this time of night. Although one of the gifts of sobriety, did I say gifts? One of the blessings, one of the curses of sobriety has been I got a 9 to 5 job. And so I'm a little less familiar with this time of day than I used to be. I'm really overwhelmed, but I'm not tough. I'm not tough at all.
I've been telling people here that I grew up in Cleveland, again, to make me sound tough. I grew up in a town called Shaker Heights, which is as far, yeah, it's a long way from Cleveland, even though it neighbors it. All my life, though, I thought I had to act a certain way that had nothing to do with how I felt. And when I was very young, I don't know how I decided I had to be perfect. Maybe there was a time when things were going well in my life and I was getting what I needed from my family and from life. And so I said, OK, if I'm perfect the rest of my life, then everything will be fine. And I internalized that very deeply. And life tends to prove to you that you're not perfect, like when arithmetic become algebra. When you go from being a big fish in a little pond to a little fish in the ocean, I just couldn't cope with that at all. I couldn't deal with facing my limitations. I couldn't deal with facing anybody else's limitations. I wanted you to be perfect as well. I had incredibly high expectations of myself and of you. And alcohol somehow filled the gap. One of the many reasons I drank is that as my life went on, what I expected it to be and what it was were so far apart and getting farther apart every day that I needed something to fix that. When I was drunk and I was feeding my fantasy world, the distance between bit less until the next morning. And that was the progression of my disease. At first,
[01:00:04]
I only had to do that occasionally, but the unmanageability kicked in and my life became farther and farther from what I'd expected, less and less perfect, and as a result, I had to drink more. Vicious cycle that continued. Of course, I didn't have a drinking problem. I didn't think I had a drinking problem. I wasn't aware of what AA was. I used to travel the byways of the Midwest and see these bumper stickers that said, Easy Does It. I had no idea what they meant. I thought it was some kind of evangelical cult. It frustrated me that I didn't know because I thought I had to know everything. In sobriety, in the two and a half years that I've been sober, there's been three words that I've said more than I had said in the 32 years that I'd lived previously. I don't know. I just don't know.
Although when I had 90 days sober, I was willing to advise people on the workings of the 12th amendment. I was telling everybody how to live their life. The recovery hasn't necessarily been overnight, but perfectionism has been such a trap for me, such an overwhelming trap that I need to come to these meetings. I need to allow myself to be imperfect. I need to allow myself to be me. I need to act as if that's all right. There's still a lot of days when it doesn't feel all right. I've just been blessed with so many people and so much love. My sponsor, Ken, from New York City, tells me the highest rank you can aspire to in AA is human being. We've got some great slogans in the city. Of course, I resented slogans when I first came into the program because I thought every thought that I had was original and every thought had to be original. What I found is that my best thinking got me here. When I find myself repeating something that I've heard from somebody else and it's no longer the gospel according to Paul, I feel some comfort because I feel connected to the power in these rooms. Every day, I ceaselessly beat myself up for my limitations, for my failings. But when I come here, I get a little reality check and I find out that nobody could be as bad as I thought I was. Nobody could be as good as I wanted to be. And somewhere in between there is a place for me, is a God for me, is a spiritual life for me, is something to aim towards. I don't think there's anything wrong with aiming towards perfection as long as you don't expect to gain it. Somebody said earlier about going towards a drink or away from a drink. I had that same dilemma when I came to this conference because there's been times when I've been here when I've wanted to drink. It hasn't been hard to find another alcoholic to talk to about it, but it's all about feeling imperfect and it's all about feeling flawed and it's all about self-centered garbage. And it's cured when I sit in that chair and I say, I'm one, I'm a successful, sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous today. I don't know about tomorrow. Yesterday is mystery. Tomorrow, what is it? Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. And no matter what happens inside my head, I don't have to pick up a drink to prove to myself just how bad I am. I don't have to pick up a drink to get attention. And slowly but surely I'll grow into my considerable skin and I'll find out what God's will is for me. But if I think I can do that alone, if I think I'm perfect alone, I'm fooling myself. And it's been extraordinary for me in these two and a half years to find out there's people that care, that there's such a thing as unconditional love because I hadn't experienced that before I got sober. I just wanted to come up here and kind of claim my place as a sober member of AA, as an imperfect person, as somebody who's struggling, somebody who is full of awe, full of wonder at what's happening here. And I just want to relate the last thing that happened to me before I came into this meeting. I was speaking to Vladimir and Alexander from Moscow Beginners Group. I wasn't really speaking to them, but I was gesturing to them and they were gesturing to me. And their English was much better than my Russian. And we were communicating. And
[01:05:05]
they're coming to New York next week and I'm going to take them to a meeting. And I just, I can't believe it. I mean, this is what I dreamed of, being part of something like this. And today I am. Thank you. Thanks Paul. On this topic of being less than perfect, it makes me think of that seven-step prayer on page 76 where it says, My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I humbly pray that you would remove from me every single defective character that gets in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. And what that tells me is that Providence can use me just exactly the way I am today. I don't have to be perfect today. If God's ability to use me depended upon my abilities, my talents and skills and my perfections, he's got a serious problem.
There's somebody here this evening that's very special to me that I see hiding back there in the corner there with his black hat on. And this is my sponsor. Steve, I'd sure like to hear from you this evening on this topic. He's a pretty mean-looking dude too, isn't he? I'm Steve and I am an alcoholic. Hi, Steve. One of the good things about being an alcoholic synonymous that I found out for myself is that I don't have to be perfect, that it's all right to make mistakes. When I came to this program, I was exactly like the book said. I was physically, morally, spiritually dead. And you people shared with me your lives. I just spent ten years in the penitentiary when I came to this program. My life was really manageable. I'd been divorced three times and they all loved me. Little things that they told me like, get the hell out. Nobody ever said, I'd like you to stay around for a while. Those things were not in my vocabulary and anybody else that knew me. One of the reasons why I wear a black hat a lot of times is they told me that real men wear black hats. So I'll take it off.
The other thing that I do a lot of times is I wear sunglasses because I like to look at the girls. And my wife doesn't know I do that. Now she does. She's sitting in the audience. I don't think it really matters how we got there. I don't really think my best thinking got me to Alcoholics Anonymous. I think God's best thinking got me here. My original thoughts were always the worst. I had no thoughts that were good for me. I have never been able to manage my life, but he has a tendency to do so for me. You people gave me something that I can never repay. If I went to a meeting 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I could not give back to Alcoholics Anonymous what it's given to me. A few years ago, I loved his story. A few years ago, I went back. He's truck driving. And I was another one of those people that could not talk very well. I had a tendency to use more than one four-letter word. And after a meeting back there, because I like to go to meetings while I was on the road, a guy walked up to me and put his arm around me and said, Steve, if you don't know other words, here's a dictionary. Will you please look them up? But he did it with loving and caring, and he didn't embarrass me in front of anybody. And he also told me something else. Actually, what happened was I got pissed. I got in my truck, drove about halfway down the freeway there, turned around and came back and went back into the meeting and talked to him a little bit. I was really mad. He didn't like my language. I mean, how dare him? And he said, you know, you either have to have more respect for the people at Alcoholics Anonymous than the people in the bars, or there's something wrong. And that's what he
[01:10:03]
gave to me. So today, I try to watch my language. And I did it for me. And I did it for you because I do respect you, because you gave me a whole new life. My life today is like a storybook. I make more money now than I ever did robbing, and they don't put me in jail. You know, what can I say? I pack a lunch to work, which I used to hate people who did that. And sometimes my boss gives me bad jobs to do, and I'm happy doing them. That's the other thing, and I hate work. The word work, it really upsets me. But one day a friend of mine says, well, why don't you go there to practice your trade? Well, that sounded pretty good to me. So I do that today. I go to my place of employment, and I practice my trade. And I'm very fortunate in what I do. I'm right from here. I live up north a little bit, out of Linwood. And I really love the people up there, and they've given me a whole new life. It's really weird sitting and looking down on all you people. It just boggles my mind. My wife accused me of this, too. We were in the elevator. I kept watching people's name tags, and they were kind of about right there on the women. She was a little upset about that. So see, I'm not perfect, and I'm never going to be perfect, and I thank God for that. And one of the things that somebody else asks is, what are you going to be when you grow up? And I told them, old. That's it. But I love you people, and I thank you for my sobriety. And I'm glad that I am Peter's sponsor. He teaches me tolerance and patience and perseverance and things like that. So thank you very much. Thank you, Peter.
One of the rare opportunities you get to get even with your sponsor, huh? Well, I want to thank everybody for allowing me to secretary your meeting tonight. Why don't we just close with the Lord's Prayer right in the chairs. Okay? Grab a hand. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen. Keep coming back. It works.