Audio
Transcript
Source: Suzanne T – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2026-01-01.m4a File: suzanne-t-box-of-chocolates-2026-01-01.mp3 Duration: 00:41:44
============================================================
Thank you, Ramona, and thank you for the invite. How long do I speak? I don't think I asked you that earlier. Until about 5 till the hour, 10 till the hour. Oh my. Okay. Okay. Yeah, you can talk. Okay. I'll talk slow. No, I'm joking. My name is Suzanne, and I am an alcoholic. Good evening, everyone. Happy New Year. I have a sobriety date. It is August 13th of 2021. I have a sponsor. She knows she's my sponsor, and I sponsor women.
I have a home group that meets here in Jeffersonville, Indiana, Monday through Friday at noon. It's a great home group. It's a three-legacy home group. We have different meetings every single day. We do the traditions one day. We do open discussion, newcomers. We do the steps, all the things. I love my home group. So, if you're ever in the area, come visit us. We would love to have you. We also have lunch together, too, so, therefore, the lunch bunch.
It's always an honor and a privilege to be invited anywhere, because for a long time, I wasn't invited or welcomed anywhere, and I was a stranger on people's porches knocking on the door. The big book tells me to tell you what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like today, and I think that, you know, those things are important, because those things also helped me identify as an alcoholic.
I grew up in a family. I didn't grow up in Indiana. I didn't grow up on this side of the country. I actually grew up in Portland, Oregon. I love Oregon. I love Portland. I have a really large family there, and I come from a very strong religious background. I was born and raised LDS, also known Mormon, and I'm not a polygamist. We just put that out there, even though later on in my story, in my madness, there was times where I had a husband, I had a boyfriend in jail, I had a boyfriend on the streets, and I had a sugar daddy, because I was really confused about what adultery meant, right?
I needed a sponsor to clarify that for me, even though I had morals, right? I knew these things. I was taught in the religious upbringing that I was brought up with that these things were wrong. We didn't drink coffee. I know, right? I'm not an AA member who loves coffee, but I've always loved coffee. Smoking cigarettes, drinking, all those things were taboo. Growing up in this family, if you weren't a family member, then I didn't really associate with you.
My mom's side of the family drank, and we really had nothing too much to do with them, because my parents wanted to shelter us from this world, right? Because my mom comes from a background of people that were heavy drinkers. I can't diagnose them, obviously, because they're not members of AA. And then my dad was a drinker. My dad drank until I was 13 years old, but again, heavy drinker. He made a decision when I was 13 years old, I'm not going to do this anymore.
It affects my family. It affects my life. He put the drink down. He put the drink down. Apparently, he didn't have the same disease as me, because I was never able to put the drink down. So at the age of 15 years old, I have to say this. So from a very, very young age, I always felt different. My sisters were two years older than me, but they were twins. And they were very, very close. They had this twin bond.
And so I always felt like I needed somebody in my life to connect with, because they didn't really connect with me. We just didn't vibe, right? Like they had the twin bond. They did everything together. I remember I'd knock on their bedroom door, like, can I play with you guys? And they'd be like, no. And I was like, oh, there's something wrong with me, right? So from a very young age, I always felt like something was wrong with me.
And then my parents had a boy and I was like, that's not what I wanted, right? Like I need a sister. And he liked GI Joes and I like Barbies and it just didn't work out. He liked to wrestle. I like to tie him up and throw him in the closet, right? Because he was getting on my nerves. So those things didn't really work out for me. So growing up in this family, like I said, we grew up, I grew up in Portland, Oregon.
And when I was 10, we moved to Montana for a short stint of my life. And I hung out with my cousins and I love my cousins. I love my family, but we moved to Montana and I found myself at 10 years old and about a self pity. I felt alone. I felt separate. I struggled making friends. I didn't know what to do. And I remember my mom saying to me, you know, Suzanne, you throw the biggest pity party out of anybody I know.
And I remember at the time, cats were my best friends. Like the horses, the cats, the animals, they brought me comfort, right? Like I'd go cry on the horse's back, right? Like, oh, poor me, what was me? And then we ended up moving back to Oregon and it was just different. It was just different. We moved around a lot when I was growing up. And I mean, not like a military family. We didn't move around that much.
[00:04:59]
But for a few years, we moved around and I just couldn't find my footing.
[00:05:04]
I couldn't find where I fit in and I was making friends. But then it was like, oh, why hang on to these friendships? We're moving again. And I just always felt separate from people in general, my parents, my siblings, the people at school. I never quite felt like I fit in anywhere. And when I was 15 years old, my cousin was working at a convenience store and she's like, you come over. And my best friend, who was also a member of the church that I had gone to that was, you know, that is a very strict religious church.
So we all get together and we go over and it's just the three of us and she pulls out some wine coolers and she's like, look at what I have. And I was like, ooh, those look tasty, right? And the difference between them and me is what those wine coolers did for me that night, they did not do for them. I took that drink and for the first time in my life, I felt okay. For the first time in my life, I didn't necessarily need a best friend because those two became my immediate best friends and I loved them immensely.
Like we were going to be best buddies forever. And you know, I still have relationships with them today. We're still friends. But like I felt a part of for the first time in my life, I didn't care if I was too big or too small, too short, if my hair was blonde, if my eyes were blue, if my cheeks were pudgy, I didn't care about any of that. Like I took a breath and I could breathe and for a minute my head cleared and the noise in my head quieted and everything was beautiful.
You know, we talk about, you know, like I could slow down enough to look outside and I remember telling my best friend at the time, I remember going, look at the moon, right? Like so intrigued by the little things in life, like I could slow down for the first time in my life at the age of 15 years old after I took that drink. And I didn't know anything about alcoholism. I thought alcohol, being an alcoholic was cool.
I remember I would tell everybody at school that I was an alcoholic, like it was a cool thing because I would chase that drink throughout school. I would have vodka in my locker. I would drink before school. I needed that little bit of liquid courage, they would call it, right? Just to get through my day. But I didn't know nor understand that when I drank, I couldn't stop. I didn't know nor understand that I had this allergy that when I took a drink, I didn't know how many more I would take.
When I took a drink, I would develop this phenomenon of craving and this immediate desire to drink more. And that would lead me on a road of quite the adventure, honestly. So I managed to graduate high school. I ended up graduating with a modified diploma because I didn't like my chemistry class. It interfered with my drinking. It was like first thing in the morning and I needed a drink. And so I didn't really go, but they let me graduate anyway.
And so when I graduated high school, I chased the drink. I chased the drink during school and I chased the drink after school. And I would continue to chase the drink. For a little while, I chased the drink onto the streets of Portland, Oregon. I thought that was fun and exciting. I thought I needed to spend some time as a couch surfer and I met some very interesting people. And one of the most interesting people that I happened to meet was my ex-husband.
He happened to show up with a mutual friend and here he stood all buff and bad and tatted up and six months fresh out of prison, man, let me tell you, he was the one, right? He was everything my parents didn't want me to have. And I just remember looking at him going, I'm going to have your babies. And so I was decided and we were running and mucking and on the streets and doing our things and drinking.
And I knew because I would tell everybody I was an alcoholic, like I didn't understand the disease of alcoholism, but I was like, if I take a drink, we're drinking all night. I'm finishing that bottle and I'm probably going to send you to the liquor store and get more because I didn't know anything. I didn't understand it was a disease. So I definitely ended up marrying that man. We had four beautiful children together.
When I was 21, I got pregnant and he went to prison and we were going to have the best life ever. He too, like me, has a disease of alcoholism and I think that that's important. He is identified as an alcoholic. So I can say that, but I think it's really important because at the age of 21, I got pregnant and I got this idea in my head that we were going to be a happily ever after family, that I was going to take my kids to church, that all this stuff was going to get better.
I was putting the drink down and I was going to do the things and I was going to be the best mom and the best wife and we were going to just be happily ever after. And that's not really what happened. What happened was I tried to control the situation and I built resentments towards him.
[00:10:00]
And we had a very toxic relationship. He would drink. I was resentful. He was drinking when I wanted to be drinking. Why do I got to take care of the kids? Why is he in the garage drinking? But I didn't know that. I didn't know that I was feeling that way until I did a thorough inventory and was able to take a look at it. And that was very toxic. I was verbally abusive. I grew up in an environment where love wasn't unconditional, love was earned.
I grew up with the understanding that you had to meet these things or if you didn't, love was withheld. So that's how I knew how to love. I didn't know what unconditional love was until I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and it took me a while to understand that this is what that looks like. And so I would do that to that man. And you know, if he didn't meet my expectations, if he didn't meet the things that I wanted, I would be verbally abusive and later on in our relationship, I would get physically abusive too.
But again, that self-pity, I would tell you, oh, well, he put his hands on me, right? Who started it? You know, there's that accountability piece. We ended up, like I said, you know, I would drink here and there. I think my kids said they seen me get drunk like four times during a 16-year stint out of our marriage and our marriage ended up getting drastically bad. He had gotten injured and broke his neck, his back, both wrists, just a terrible fall.
And other substances came into play in both of our lives. I had to have hip surgery and I have this disease, right? And one is too many and a thousand is never enough and I'm going to justify whatever I can to make me feel different, to help me get outside of self. And so my alcoholism would progress. I would try to hide my alcoholism off the back of his alcoholism, right? Like I don't drink like him.
I don't act like him. I don't do the things I'm better than, right? And it would tear our marriage apart. And in the end, we would get extremely violent. And in the end, you know, he had told me, you know, you're not going to leave me. If you leave me, it's going to be a murder suicide. You know, and again, I know nothing about the disease of alcoholism. I know nothing about, you know, where we're both at and what we're doing and how we have this internal spiritual malady that we're struggling with and we have no help and we have no assistance.
What we have is the clash of the titans, right? We're fighting each other and our children are watching this. And I'm not sober at this point. I'm far from sober. And so I end up going and getting some resources, getting some help. And they tell me that I need to leave the state and go as far away as possible with all four of my children. And so that's what I end up doing. And I'd like to tell you that I did that sober, but I didn't do that sober.
I didn't. I took all four of my children up in my car and left Portland, Oregon and drove from Portland initially across the country. Right. And I take hostages. And so there was a woman that that was with me and she ended up going to jail when we got to Idaho. Right. Because God tends to remove things from our life. And she's a great woman. She's sober today. But like me and my four children travel across the country.
And I remember I had Googled top 10 places for a single mom to raise her kids. And Louisville, Kentucky was number five. And so I was like, OK, we're going to Louisville, but I'm a little chaotic in the head and I'm not thinking straight and I've got this spiritual malady and I'm just not right. Right. And my oldest daughter is my navigator. She's my number one. She's my ride or die. She's right there with me with the other kids like helping me as we're traveling across the country.
She falls asleep on me because she was the GPS navigator. We end up in Michigan. I don't know how that happened. Right. You know, but we had this amazing experience, my four children and I, and we had a really, really great time. But little did I know that this was this was the progressive part of my disease. Right. Like this is this is where things are just going to get worse. And I'm leaving having all this hope, thinking that everything's going to get better.
But I can't run away from me. See, I'm not running away from him. I'm trying to run away from me. I'm thinking it's him because I need someone to blame because I got to be a victim because if I live in this victim mentality, then it's them and people are going to help me and and everything's going to be OK. So I have all this hope and I have all this faith that everything's going to be OK. But I can't take a sober breath.
I can't take a sober breath. I love my children, but I just can't take a sober breath. So I ended up going to Pennsylvania because that's where his best friend was. And if you're anything like me, I'm going to get back at you if you make me mad, if I got a resentment and I'm going to go and date your best friend. Right. Because that's what I do. And so that's what I did. We missed we missed, you know, we ended up in Michigan.
So let's head to Pennsylvania. Right. That's closer. Made sense. Right. Made. Made sense, right? Made sense at the time.
[00:15:01]
And we ended up spending a little bit of time in Pennsylvania, he and I didn't work out, and I remember when that happened, I told my daughter who was 16 at the time, I said, hey honey, I'm gonna go to the store, I'll be right back, right? Because I needed something to drink, I was thirsty, I was trying to hold it together without a drink or anything in my body at this point in time, and it had been days, and I don't know how you guys felt when you were in the madness before you had a spiritual solution, but days without a drink, without a sponsor, without a program, and that internal malady was just getting to me.
And I had taken my kids to Gettysburg, and on the way there, there was a duck pond on the right and a softball field on the left. And there was family feeding the ducks on the right, and there was kids playing softball on the left. And my head is spinning so much because I haven't had a drink, and I can't think, and my kids are in the car, and I just want them to be happy, and I just want everything to be okay.
I don't see the family of ducks walking in front of the road. And by the time I see them, this one little duck, this one little duck got left behind, and I end up hitting the duck, and all of a sudden, you hear just thunk, thunk, thunk, and my kids start screaming, oh my God, Mom, you hit a duck! And I look in the back of my mirror, and all I can see is this duck with his little wing in the air, and in my head, all I could hear is Aflac, right?
Like, and I'm like, oh my God, I killed the Aflac duck! I'm a horrible mother, I'm a horrible person, right? So I take him to Gettysburg. We have a great day in Gettysburg. I get home, I drop them off, and I tell my daughter, watch the kids, I gotta go somewhere, I'll be right back, and I run right to the liquor store because I feel like the worst mother. Here I've done, killed a duck in front of all these softball families, in front of all these families, feeding the ducks at the duck pond, in front of my children, oh my gosh, I'm the worst person in the whole wide world, right?
Because I have this mind that likes to lie to me in my own voice and tell me things like you're not good enough, your kids deserve better, you failed, those are the things that my mind likes to say to me before I had a program. And so I remember I got that, I went to the liquor store, and I got me some Jager, and I got home, and I chugged that Jager, and then I decided that my daughter needed to watch my children for a little bit longer while I ran to the park and apologized to all of the ducks.
Because that's what I do when I'm drunk, I'm gonna go apologize to the ducks, it's only like 11 o'clock at night, my kids will be fine, we're in a new city, new town, no family, I don't know, I'm just gonna entrust my 16-year-old daughter to watch them. So I run over to the park and I apologize to all of the ducks, and then I get an idea that somebody is following me. Now, I don't think anybody was following me, right?
But I live in this internal state of fear, right? And I'm living in fight or flight and survival mode because I just left this toxic relationship, and it got really bad. So I start running, and then I get scared, and when you've been drinking as much as I've been drinking, and when you're scared and you're running, and there isn't a bathroom anywhere, things happen. Uncomfortable things happen. And uncomfortable things happened to me that night.
So when I showed up back on my doorstep ringing the doorbell, and my daughter looked at me, and she says, mom, what happened to you? And I just started crying, and I was like, I don't know, but I peed my pants. And I'm just crying my eyes out, and my 16-year-old daughter, she goes, mom, it's okay. Come inside, you stink. Then she throws me in the bathtub, and she gives me a bath, and she tells me how much she loves me, and she tells me everything's gonna be okay.
And she tucks me into bed, and I'm blubbering, and I'm crying, and my 16-year-old daughter at that time took the burden of the world on her shoulders for a mother who was unable to be a mother at that time, whose disease had progressed to a state of incomprehensible demoralization, right? And you would think that that would be my bottom, but that isn't my bottom. My bottom goes way, way further. So I packed my kids up.
We left Pennsylvania, and we headed back to Louisville, Kentucky, where we stayed at a domestic violence shelter. And while there, things just progressively got worse. I ended up getting into housing, and within a year, less than a year and a half of being here, my oldest daughter had turned 18, moved back to Oregon. My second daughter, who was 14, my house had burnt down, so after my oldest daughter moved away, so she decided to go live with a family from church.
See, because I'm trying to reach for something, grasp for some God in my understanding, but I'm so angry at God. I'm so resentful, because I had this life that I wanted. I wanted this family. I wanted these things, right? And none of those things came true. And so I was mad at God, and I tried to go to church. I tried to take my kids to church, but I was too mad at God.
[00:20:01]
And so, and I felt like such a bad mom. I felt like my kids deserved better. My house ended up burning down. My 14-year-old daughter went to go live with a family from church. Thank God for that. A couple months after my house burnt down, I sent my 11-year-old daughter back to Oregon to live with my parents, because she was, unfortunately, she wanted me to do better and be better, and I took my kids on the streets of Louisville, Kentucky.
And I kept them on the streets of Louisville, Kentucky, sleeping in estranged places, laundry mats that were closed, bathrooms, abandoned buildings, things of that nature for six weeks. And if you asked my kids, my kids would tell you that it was six months that I took them. And it was very traumatic for them. So I sent my youngest daughter to live with my parents, and I thought for sure that it could just be me and my youngest son, and I would be okay.
I could get my life together. But three days after that, I had gone to the store, stolen a phone, got arrested, and I had just enrolled my son in school, and I had no emergency contact phone numbers, because I didn't know anybody. I didn't use resources, and the people that I did know were unreliable. They drank like I drank, and I lost custody of my son. And that broke me, right? That broke me. I knew I wasn't a very good mom, but that just reinforced the idea that I wasn't good enough, that my kids deserve better.
Now God had completely ripped my family apart, and obviously I was unworthy. So obviously he wants me living on the streets, and that's where he wants me to be. So I'm gonna be the best street person, homeless person you could ever imagine, and that's what I did. I would meet people, and I would find me a man, because I cannot be alone. I don't know how to be alone. And I would find me a man, and I would go from man to man, right?
Relationship to relationship. And I remember the last relationship I was in when I told my sponsor. I was like, but I love him. And she's like, yes, honey, I know. He put you up in an abandoned building with no water and no electricity. He was such a good provider. And I was like, oh, but he was so amazing, right? I totally offended. There is no logic, right? The unmanageability, not just of my life, but my thinking.
My inability to think clearly or think straight and to think, yes, if I just have this relationship, then I can get my kids back and we can have a home. But I lived on the streets of Louisville, Kentucky for four years, and like I said earlier, I had a boyfriend. I had a boyfriend in jail. I was bouncing from man to man. I had two sugar daddies, because you can't be homeless without a sugar daddy. You need somewhere to shower every once in a while.
Those things are important. Every once in a while, I would go to jail. I needed to sleep and I needed to eat. I just thought God was like, here, take a break. And then I'd get released. And then in 2021, God released me with a fancy little ankle monitor into a homeless shelter in Louisville, Kentucky with a program, right? Where they introduced me to the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Where they told me things like, you're powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable.
They opened the big book and they opened my eyes and they said, here, read more about alcoholism. It's the relapse chapter. And I was like, I don't know what these people are talking about. I'm not a jaywalker. None of this makes sense to me. Because I thought I could control and enjoy my drinking, right? I thought that, I mean, I knew that when I drank, I couldn't control it. I knew that, but it didn't register that that meant I had an allergy, that that meant that I had a phenomenon of craving.
None of that really mattered. It just didn't register in my brain because I justified and I lied so much to myself to make it okay, right? I thought I was the best homeless person out there. I was really good at dumpster diving. I found all the best deals in all the nearest trash cans. I could build my own fire pit, right? I'd go around town and I had my shopping cart and I'd get me some cinder blocks and I'd make me a nice little fire pit.
Like I was a good survivor. And I remember I'd cook on that and all the homeless people would come over to my tent. I was super excited. And at one point we even had a car that we slept in. We were coming up in the world, right? Like we were doing big things. So, you know, when I go to this homeless shelter, I'm ungrateful for the bed I'm sleeping in. I'm ungrateful for the food that I'm getting. And all I can think of is I just want my kids back.
I just want a job. How is this big book gonna help me get all these things that I want and I didn't understand. They said, get a sponsor. And so I sponsor shopped and I tried to understand, but see, I couldn't get with that step one. I couldn't get there. How am I powerless over alcohol? My life is unmanageable because my mind kept telling me, you made a choice, Suzanne. And they kept telling me that I lost the power of choice.
And I was like, no, I didn't. I chose to do that, right? Like it just didn't register in my brain. And so I stayed on consequences in that treatment center
[00:25:00]
for like six months. I just couldn't get right. I didn't take suggestions very well, or I just put myself out there. I just couldn't get right, right? Like I couldn't get with step one and really that's what it boils down to. And I couldn't humble myself enough. So I got my six months chip. I asked my sponsor to sponsor me. And a few days later, I had a resentment and I left that treatment center. Even though I was court ordered, right?
I was nudged by the judge. I believe that she said in the beginning of the meeting, I had court papers. I was looking at two years in prison. If I did not complete the program, I was done. I was not gonna live with all these women. I couldn't stand these women. I didn't like them. They didn't like me. And that's what my brain told me. So I went back out. I was gonna go get that man. You know, that man that I told you about, we were gonna get recovered together and we were gonna live happily ever after.
And we were gonna have a family and do all the things right, because I'm delusional. And so I go back out there and I'm like, I'm gonna go to this women's treatment center that was right by me. This woman used to come to me when I was homeless and talk to me and carry a message and plant a seed. And thank God for people that go back and they reach back and they go out to the people walking on the streets and they say, hey, there's a solution, right?
Because thank God for her. She's an amazing woman. And so I go back out there, the women's treatment center that I thought I was going to was now a men's rooming house. So that didn't work out for me. I didn't have a purse. I mean, I had a purse. I didn't have a phone. I had nothing, right? Like I had nothing. And I did what I do best, right? And I went to a house where they had what I wanted and I would go and I would tell myself the whole way I'm trudging there, I'm walking, I'm not gonna lose my sobriety date, but I did.
Within a few hours, I lost my sobriety date. I mean, what I learned about my personal disease of alcoholism was that I have a disease. I most definitely have a disease because I couldn't stop in and on myself and on my own. And even though I borrowed people's phones and I made phone calls, I had inverted my sponsor's phone number. And that's important because I left some stranger a whole bunch of messages.
But that woman that reached out to me on the streets, she actually ended up calling one of the phones that I had called. And the guy happened to be walking by the house that I was staying at. He just so happened to be walking by from the grocery store. And she says, do you know where Suzanne is? And he goes, yeah, actually, I'm walking by right now. I truly believe that it's through divine inspiration that I'm able to be here, sit here today.
Because had that not have happened, had she not been sitting at her post, had she not made that phone call, that I wouldn't be here today. So I got on the phone and she said, hey, Suzanne, are you willing to do whatever it takes? And I said, yes, but please don't take me back to that place that I just left. That's what I said. I didn't wanna go back there. See, because I was a big book thumper. I've memorized the big book.
I could quote the big book, but I couldn't apply the big book in my life. I didn't know how to do that part. I didn't know how to do that part until I surrendered. And I said, yes. And they came and they picked me up and I told them I wasn't sober. And they went to take me to a different treatment center and that treatment center didn't have a bed. And they said, you have two options. And I said, no, I have a third.
You can take me back to the house that you found me out and you can come back and get me, right? I won't drink. I'll be sober in the morning. It'll be fine. They said, we can't do that. So I humbled myself and I went back to that treatment center and I went back to detox and thank God I did. Because what I thought was I thought that those women had hated me. I thought those women didn't like me. And I thought that all these lies that I told myself in my head, because I think I know what you're thinking based on the look on your face.
And you must know that I'm a terrible person. You must know about all the terrible things I did. And if you knew those things about me, you wouldn't like me either. And I got to put on this front and I got to put on this happy face because if you truly knew me, then you wouldn't like me either. And these women had been crying. They had called my sponsor at 11 o'clock at night. Where is Suzanne? Do you know where she is?
They were worried about me. It opened my eyes to the lies that I had told myself. And for the first time in my life, I had surrendered and I had recognized, hey, I actually have the disease of alcoholism, right? So I started sharing with people in detox. Look what the doctor's opinion says. This is me. This is what I did, right? The big book came alive. It came alive. And I called my sponsor and I said, I did a whoops, will you still sponsor me?
And she said, yes, honey, of course. Of course. She took me to page 30 of the big book. And she reminded me that it is the greatest obsession of every abnormal drinker to drink like normal people. And I am not a normal person. And I know that today based on my experience. She got me busy working in service work. And I love service work. I love being an active member. Service Work. I love being an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, active in my home group with a service commitment, right? Like, I've got a service sponsor today that I'm
[00:30:04]
going through the Twelve Concepts in the service manual, and it absolutely astounds me, all the beautiful, wonderful things, and how amazing this program is, right? It wasn't just divine inspiration that got me sober. It was all those years ago when one man carried a message to another man, and they continued to do the work, right? And I love doing the work in Alcoholics Anonymous. I took a position working with dogs as a yard attendant, and I ended up getting promoted to that position. Now, I did lose custody of my son. I think that's, I had said that, and they had a whole no court order, but at seven months sober, I got custody of my son back. At seven months sober. And see, I was living, at six months sober, I had moved out of my treatment house, because this position with this doggy daycare, and this company offered me this two-bedroom apartment. Like, what? What? When you surrender and you do new things, because like, I don't know what God's plan is for me. I have no idea what God's plan is for me, but I'm learning that if I take suggestions, and if I just trust this plan that God has for me, everything works out. So, I got this two-bedroom apartment, and my son moved in with me. And it's been such an adventure, and such a, so lovely fun being a mother today, because I get to learn how to practice unconditional love, not just in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, but in my own home, with my own son, right? Because I don't know what it's like to be a 15-year-old boy, but I know he struggles, and I know he has his things, and I try to be understanding. And he comes to me, and he says these things to me, and I'm like, I don't know what that's like, buddy, but I'm sure that that's hard.
Is there anything I can do to help, right? And those are the words that I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous to say to people, right? Because I may not have experience in what you're going through, but maybe I know somebody who does. And if I do, I can call them, because I have people I can call today that answer the phone that help me learn how to be a better mother, to be a better woman, to be a better friend, to be a better daughter.
My relationship with my children, I made my amends to them, and I think that that's really important, because at the time, my youngest daughter was 16, and she said to me, she goes, you know, Mom, I said, honey, it's not that I never loved you. I always loved you. I cried consistently. And she goes, yes, but Mom, you can numb your feelings off the back of a drink while you were crying about me. I laid in bed every single night, and I was at school every single day. I didn't know if you were dead. I didn't know if you were alive. I didn't know where you were. And I had to feel every single one of those feelings. From the age of 11 to 16, my daughter had to feel all those feelings that I didn't know how to process, and she had to learn how to process emotions that I had never been taught how to process. And I made a decision right then and there that I don't care what comes down the pipe. I don't care what kind of emotion I have to feel. I'm going to feel them. My sponsor always says, invite them to tea. You know, feelings are just visitors.
They come and they go, and that's true, right? Like, I'll sit there, and I'll do like, oh, I'm going to cry now. It's okay. Crying is normal, right? Like, everybody cries. It's just a part of the human process. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to feel fear. It's okay to do these things. Just invite God in, right? Like, that is one of the most important things that I have learned in this process, is no matter what I'm going through, as long as I invite God in, life gets better. When I reach out and I hold God's hand, things just happen, not in my timing, right? Never in my timing, but through a process of understanding and a process of faith and walking this walk and just doing the next right thing and doing service work. All the problems that I think I can solve on my own that I know that I'm wasting my time if I try, if I just go be of service to others, I find that God manages those and he takes care of them for me. I went to school to become a dog trainer. So, I train dogs on the side here and there, not very often, because then God put it on my heart to go to school to get my bachelor's in business. And so, I just graduated with my bachelor's in business, and I'm super excited. I specialized in non-profit, so I've opened up a non-profit organization that helps people in crisis acquire temporary fostering for their pets. And that's so important because there's so many people in domestic violence that need services that they cannot get because they don't want to relinquish custody of their pets, right? Some of these people have lost their children. All they have is their cat. All they have is their dog, right? And to open up an environment and a safe space for them to be able to come in and say, hey, I need help, but I just need somebody to care for my animal just for a short period of time so that I can receive the services that I need.
Because you can't take animals into the domestic violence shelter, and I know that because I had
[00:35:00]
to re-home my dog when I left my ex-husband, and it broke my heart and my children's heart. You know, I know when I lived on the streets, I had a dog, and I never would have relinquished custody of my dog or surrendered it, except for the jail. When I got arrested, they took him, you know? But had I been given an opportunity to receive the services that I need, maybe, just maybe, I don't know, maybe I would have taken him. So I've been working on that. I manage both of our doggy daycares. We have one in Louisville, Kentucky, and then we have one here. Never in my entire life did I ever imagine that I would go into business or that I would be a dog trainer or that I would be a manager of any business whatsoever, right? So what God has in store is beyond my wildest imagination is what I have found out on this journey, and it's been beautiful.
My oldest daughter, I did not share this, but she took custody of my son while, so that he wouldn't get adopted while he was in foster care. We have an amazing relationship with his foster family. I absolutely adore them. They are some of the best people in the whole wide world, and I'm so forever grateful for them. My oldest daughter also took in my youngest daughter for a while. She didn't move back in with me when I got sober, and that was fine. We had made that agreement. She had lived with her sister. She's engaged today. She just had this beautiful baby. I have a relationship with all of my children today. I'm a grandma, and I get to see my grandchildren, and my grandchildren never have to see me drunk if I continue to do this. What a beautiful miracle it is, and I'm always forever grateful for the gifts that Alcoholics Anonymous has given to me, but more than anything, the idea and the concept that I can wake up in the morning, and the God of my understanding becomes the God of my experience, and the God of my experience is one that I can trust.
The God of my experience is one that who has never let me down. For most of my life, I always thought, felt, and believed that I needed to be in a relationship with somebody. Turns out, I needed to be in a relationship with God, and had I built this foundation of trust and reliability on this God of my understanding, then maybe, just maybe, my life would look different, but Alcoholics Anonymous came in, and they said, hey, we got something to share with you, and I said, great.
What is it? And they said, how about you come up with your own conception of God and build a relationship, and it didn't make sense to me at first, but then I realized I have a different relationship with my siblings. I have a different relationship with my parents. I have a different relationship with each of my kids, and it's all individual. Why not with God? So, I take time with God, and I spend time asking for direction and guidance, right? I do my inventory at night.
I'm not going to sit here. I do my inventory almost every night, but not every single night, right? And I have to be really, really mindful of that when I do my inventory because I found sometimes that I can be really hard on myself when I do my inventory and kind of start, oh, you know, like looking at that perfection and being like, oh, you need to be perfect, Suzanne, but God doesn't want me to be perfect. He wants me to be messy. My sponsor said to me, she goes, why? You ever met someone that was perfect? And I'm like, yeah, maybe. I don't know. Somebody that I envisioned was perfect, right? But they're not as much fun as messy me, right? They're not to be transparent and to be honest, and it's so much better, and it's so much relieving, right?
I don't have to put on this face. I don't have to put on this mask of who I think you think I need to be because the only thing that I know that I am is a daughter of God, right? And any of these roles that he assigns me as a mother, as a friend, as a sponsor, as a daughter, any of these roles that he assigns me, I get an opportunity to seek him, and how can I be better in these roles, right? He is the director. He is the principal, right? I get an opportunity just to learn how to become the woman that he needs me to be. What an honor and a privilege it is to be a part of a community, to be a part of a fellowship, to be a part of an environment that doesn't judge or condemn me and say, oh, you were bad. That looks at me and says, yes, me too. I've done that too. I finally feel like I fit in somewhere, not just in my own skin, right? You get me and I get you, and I will forever be grateful for the opportunities and the friendships that I get to continue to build as I trudge this road with each of you. So thank you for allowing me to speak. I know I went a little bit short, but I super appreciate all of you being here, and happy New Year's again.
Thank you, Suzanne. You didn't go short. You did exactly what you're supposed to say. Let's see. I thought I had it all the way down. Yeah. Thank you so much for joining us tonight. Well, you never know what you're going to get. You'll just have to keep coming back, and we surely hope to see you next week when our special guest is Dawn M, D-A-W-N, from Laguna,
[00:40:09]
California. She's been here before, and so you know her, and she's always wonderful. If you like this meeting, please do, as Bill Wilson always says, pass it on. You can help others right from your phone or computer, and tell them about this special meeting. Everyone is invited to hang out with us afterwards, after the meeting, at the meeting on the porch, and Suzanne, we do things our way here. We have an open door at the front porch, and then you come in and we meet, and afterwards we go to the back porch where we have a really good time.
So, Suzanne, do you have any closing comments, and would you take us out with the prayer of your choice? Absolutely. Can we say the we version of the serenity prayer together? All right. God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to share serenity that we can, and the wisdom to know the difference of all our powers be known. Thank you. Good job. Thank you, everyone. Thank you, Suzanne. Good job.
Really good story, Suzanne. Enjoyed it a lot.