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Source: Rema B – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-07-03.m4a File: rema-b-box-of-chocolates-2025-07-03.mp3 Duration: 00:50:18
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Thank you, Ramona. My name's Rima, and I'm a Grateful Recovered Alcoholic, and it's hard to hear those sweet things. I'm full of sugar. Like, if you only knew. So I'll just start with the basics. I have a deep reverence for a higher power who separated me from alcohol back in February 16th, 2014. I've just been, you know, sort of considering the July 4th holiday and freedom and how blessed we are that this freedom from the obsession, the mental obsession to drink is available to all of us, and it's absolutely free.
I don't think my recovery's been like smooth sailing, you know, one day realizing day in and day out was like Groundhog Day, you know, drinking consistently every evening, every afternoon and evening. Sometimes stretching into the lunch hour during work. And I have a sponsor. She's based out of Austin, Texas, and I have a number of sponsees. I still meet with my sponsor once a week and we cover. Right now I'm walking through the steps again for a new experience with the steps with her.
And I met Ramona, like she said, early in the pandemic. And what happened was I was a full time litigator at the time, and I was stuck at home working from home remotely. And my practice was basically to abstain from alcohol, not drink and go to meetings. And when the meeting stopped, I was like, well, now what, you know, is this all there is? And some friends, fortunately, sent me a number of talks from dear sister in the program, Katie Parker, and her then husband, Charlie Parker, and they kept repeating their home group on their shares.
And I, you know, the thought occurred to me, like, I wonder if they've gone Zoom bound. And so I discovered this primary purpose group online early in the pandemic and introduced it to the sponsor I had at the time. And both of us were like, you know, Katie says, what book are they reading from? Like, we had no idea what was available in this book or how to interpret it, what the founders are saying and why, what these words meant, we thought we knew, but how they're actually defined in 1936.
And, you know, this is what we do every Wednesday evening at 730 central time is study this book line by line from doctor to doctor, doctor's opinion to Dr. Bob's nightmare. And it's not for everyone, but we do a deep dive in leaving our experience out of it, leaving our experience out of it, why the founders are saying what they're saying now, how it compares to other repeated themes in the book, what these words mean.
And it turns out a lot of the words in the book were actually defined a bit differently. And allergy, allergy was a new term in the 30s that our doctor's opinion reports we have when it comes to the drinking. Most of us can all easily relate to picking up alcohol, you know, and then losing control, no matter what we told ourselves, you know, we thought one or two, I'd be home by X amount of time and then or go to bed at a certain time because a lot of my drinking in the later years was just by myself, even though I had a full house, a husband and two kids.
We all lived under the same roof. I love to drink in isolation, separate from my family members, you know, and the other tricky part, though, I don't think I understood at all before being introduced to primary purpose groups, plural.
[00:05:19]
I've since found a live primary purpose group that's near my home, a little bit of a drive, but I go there on tonight. I go there Thursday nights. But this mental obsession piece, you know, this that Groundhog Day I was talking about, so I drink, I lose control of this allergy because it's abnormal physical reaction, much like someone with an allergy to. Strawberries, say, but for me, it's like I drink one and the allergy kicks in and the consequence of that or the reaction I have is more, more, more, more, more.
Wake up in the morning, resourceful. How am I going to get through this day? You know, I'm going to survive this day, pop some Advil and head to work. Well, in those later years of my drinking at around, you know, three, four o'clock, I don't know exactly when I noticed that my hand would quiver. This physical addiction became so powerful. I was having what I know today to be DTs. But at the time, I rather explain it away as just early onset Parkinson's like my dad had.
And so every solution I knew was take a drink. And then, you know, the thought that my hand quivers every afternoon sort of slipped away. You know, I was free again. But this is the thing, you know, swearing off every morning, being what a friend, a sister of mine said at her meeting, a tissue alcoholic so addicted that I'm getting DTs every afternoon. And then solving that with a drink was not a great life.
It was I was dying. I was dying. And if it didn't look like it on the outside, I certainly was headed for disaster. And that disaster came on Valentine's Day evening. Of all times. I was on a drive up to Lake Tahoe, a place we frequent for President's Week to ski. And I got a DUI. And. I sat in the jail cell. Baffled. And my pride was punctured through and through. I was humiliated because at the time I was a full time prosecutor.
And that. That got my attention. You know, there's something about being responsible on a case by case basis for folks freedoms. Until. I found myself behind bars and was like, what is going on here? Something has to change. I didn't know what at the time. At the time, of course, I just I just wanted to save my my job. You know, it's like, what in the world am I going to do now? But God got my attention.
That got my attention. Open my eyes. And I'm grateful for it. I couldn't see the grace in that. Then I do 100 percent now. Grateful to the CHP officers I was so arrogant and and prideful with. And don't you know who I am? Just drive me home, you know. Oh, yeah. So just so happens, you know, I was ready to to listen to someone to do something someone else said. You know, I ignored all frothy emotional appeals from non-alcoholics like my husband at the time and colleagues at work.
Like, you know, Rima, not everyone wakes up in the morning and forgets where their car is parked. We don't all drink to black out. It's like, what? You know, just brush that off. And that went on with my day. But this lawyer happened to be up in Lake Town and suggested I go to rehab. And I listened. So rather than ski that week, I spent day in and day out looking for rehabs and remove myself from the world for a little bit and.
[00:10:12]
Place myself in a rehab where I was first introduced to all all of you lovely A's, and I heard for the first time folks speaking from the podium or in the front of rooms. In ways I'd never heard. Wow. They're actually folks who think like me. You feel like me and drink like me. Think like me, feel like me and drink like me. And I was like, just. Wow. In awe. And yet, you know, leaving rehab and navigating a divorce at the time and actually being placed on medical leave for a little while, walking into the office to all the, you know, head honchos and telling them, honestly, I admit I'm an alcoholic.
And if there's anything I can do here at work, if you'll take me back, I will help anyone else struggling with with alcohol. I found that that little Hail Mary speech I gave recently. And I was like, wow, the willingness on day, you know, what was it, 30, 40, 50? I don't even know. Look at that. Did I actually say that to the elected, you know, D.A. at the time? Yes, I did. And the kind man gave me a second chance.
So. I guess that was my first experience, you know, with some honesty with others outside of this program. And I'm grateful for it. But. This mental obsession piece, you know, my thinking when I'm sober, it doesn't just miraculously get better once I put the drink down. And what's neat to look at, I mean, not neat, some some very sad, but true. Is that had I had been going on the way I was just abstaining for those years and going to meetings when the pandemic hit.
It became clear that folks, unfortunately, with double digit sobriety went out. And I don't know exactly why, but would you know this reliance on the fellowship or the fellowship as a higher power or simply putting the drink down? Why that does not work for us? Is a good question, is a really good question. And so I cannot thank this primary purpose group enough for opening my eyes and deepening my recovery and my work through these steps.
It says in those pages that cover the first step that it's my thinking that precedes a relapse. That is the crux of my problem, the crux, the main problem is my thinking, not the drinking. It's my thinking sober. I'm restless, I'm irritable and I'm discontent. I'm full of fear. I can't seem to be of real use to anyone. They call these things the bedevilments in the book. I'm having trouble with personal relationships.
And I can only see it from a very limited perspective, you know, Rima's view. So, as I have in the last week and a half been doing about this is probably my fourth talk in the last week and a half. For some reason, I'm asked to speak and they come all at once. In bundles for some reason. I don't know why that is. But, you know, I've had this experience recently of going and speaking generally on experience, strength and hope.
And the experience I had was that I was completely out in the wilds. I was all over the place. And then I had an experience of being asked to speak on step 10, a specific step. And the fire, you know, I felt within. And it was so intense. And it was so overwhelming. And it was so overwhelming. And it was so overwhelming. And it was so overwhelming. And the fire, you know, I felt within. And that. I felt within, and that, you know, transmitted, I hope, I don't actually know, but there was a difference there, and I was thinking that is so true with life, too, when I am not in these steps, fully engaged, relying on a power greater than myself.
[00:15:21]
I'm out in the wilds. I'm in the Four Horsemen, terror, bewilderment, full of fear, in the bedevilments, can't seem to be of real use to anyone, isolating, separate, apart. So I thought that it might be useful. I just so appreciate this 10th step. And I wanted to read a little bit out of the Big Book, if you would permit it. On page 85, it says, it's easy to let up on a spiritual program of action and rest on my laurels.
I'm headed for trouble if I do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. I'm never cured. I'm never cured, but I have a daily reprieve, contingent, that's a condition there, on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. And it's awesome that we get these words like condition. What is my condition coming here? I have a malady, an illness, a spiritual one. The only solution for a real alcoholic like me, am I beyond human aid today?
Am I beyond human aid today? 11 years in this. With regard to the drink, do I fully understand that I have no choice when it comes to the first drink, that mental obsession? I'm powerless over that as much as I am once I take the drink. And on the path to recovery, there is no middle of the road solution for me. I'm either on the path of a spiritual experience, relying on this power, as I understand this power on any given day, or not relying on myself again.
So, what is it we do in this 10th step? If lack of power is my dilemma, and I must, I must get rid of my selfishness, the real source of my problem, my selfishness and self-centeredness. You know, driven by those thousand forms of self-delusion, self-pity, self-loathing, self-delusion. I must have God's help. You know, how do I do this all day long? Not just in the morning and not just in the evening, but what happens, you know, to my thought life throughout the day?
Step 10 suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes. I'm watching those mistakes as a condition, right? My spiritual condition. Am I aligned with who God would have me be in any given moment? Or is this, you know, a thought that I'm letting take me away, distract me? Or am I fully present with whoever is in front of me, you know, with my attention on them instead of myself?
It says that I continue to take personal inventory and to set right any new mistakes as I go along. I vigorously commence this way of living as I clean up the past. I've entered the world of the spirit. And my next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. You notice here that my next function isn't to have all things go the way I think they should go or have people treat me the way I think they should treat me.
Or, you know, it says growing and understanding and effectiveness.
[00:20:04]
And the only way that I know to grow is to continue in the solution, which earlier on, I think on page 25, it says, you know, that I continue to confess my shortcomings. I continue to be humbled and look at what in me drives, you know, my actions and my thought life. Because the problem, like we learn in step one, is not, you know, the solution is not outside me anymore. I set the ball rolling. I am my own trouble.
So if the problem lies outside me, I am not in solution. And I frequently mess this up. I frequently mess this up. And yet I practice. I practice because I've experienced some growth, I hope, since coming to these rooms over the years. And I find it very, very useful working with others. I cannot I could not have helped a woman with her 10th step call to me prior to that prior 10th step talk. On her motives and asking her about what she needed to be OK in the situation she had with the conversation she had with the man she was upset with, you know, had I not looked at my own particular.
Insecurities. I mean, it was like identical, almost identical. And so I get to grow in understanding and effectiveness when I am willing and continue to be willing to ask for help and. Admit I need it. Admit I need it. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for a lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. And I know this looks similar to the 11th step evening review, but this is what I consider and have been taught is my spot check inventory through the day.
It's like steps four through nine all through the day. And what actions am I taking to practice this step? Am I paying attention to what my thought life is doing or saying to me in my own voice? By the way, am I paying attention? Or am I just, you know, in on my agenda on this path to nowhere and my conscience? Are my thoughts driving me or am I watching those thoughts? I have to have God's help with this because I don't want to look at yet another self-centered, you know.
Behavior yet another. I don't want to tell you I'm pissed off. You know, at 11 years sober. But this is reality. I am human and I am selfish and self-centered at the root of me and I will get annoyed. I will get disturbed. I will get uncomfortable. And I have fear. It's all usually driven by some sort of fear. You know, right now I'm really looking at this ability to be uncomfortable not knowing. I love fear because I don't like to be scared and I don't try to place myself in positions to be afraid.
But this is where my trust builds and grows. I found my trust in my higher power. Do I have, you know, have I built this firm foundation in a power greater than me that can solve all my problems and not know how.
[00:25:09]
Not have to figure it out. To trust God has a plan and I am not necessarily. I don't need to know the hows and the whys. So when these things crop up, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear, and I'm talking all sorts of selfishness. You know, we have those six forms on page, I think, 62. Self-seeking, self-centeredness, self-reliance, self-delusion, self-righteous, self-pity. Dishonesty, you know, have I told the whole truth.
Resentment is tricky for me. I don't. I stuff my anger. I'm not a rager. Typically, I don't take it outwardly. I stuff it inwardly. I was just on a call with a sponsor and she talks about putting it in her backpack. I'm just going to put it in my backpack, carry it around for a while. Pretend it's not there. You know, how long have many of us lived prior to doing this work? Like everything was OK, you know, everything's fine.
When it wasn't. I don't want to pretend like it's OK when it's not anymore. I don't. Truly. I don't. Truly. I'll never, ever be able to have an honest relationship with anyone that way, let alone an intimate one, because you'll never know the real me. You will never know the real me. When these crop up, these four things. I pray. I ask God at once to remove them. I discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if I've harmed anyone.
Specific instructions. Then I resolutely turn my thoughts to someone I can help. It says love and tolerance of others is our code. And I had. Put down a few examples of how this works, like in my life, some experiences I've had with this tense step. You know, some seemingly good, some seemingly bad, you know, but one most recently, Ramona and I were at the Appalachian roundup. She just shared that before the meeting.
And before I went to that conference in Tennessee, I met up with a girlfriend of mine. I knew this about her father, but her father was a big, you know, notable AA at the time. He has since passed. But she shared with me all of her experiences. And she told me that her father was a very good man. He was very good at making friends. And he was a very good teacher. And he was a very good lawyer. He was a very good lawyer.
He was a very good lawyer. He has since passed. But she shared with me openly. About how disturbed she was with the A's around his passing and his death. And here I am, she knows I'm on my way to an AA conference. And I'm thinking, wow, she has a really low opinion of us alcoholics. She's not an alcoholic herself. What do I do about this? You know, and I'm taking it personally. But just do my best to listen without trying to change her mind.
Having been in enough pain and destroyed enough relationships by giving unsolicited advice in the past. You know, I'm listening, but I do reach out to my sponsor that evening. And so spotting the selfishness, I'm taking it personally. These are her opinions, you know, in her experience. What is it? You Know, and Her Experience. What in me needs to change anything
[00:30:00]
about her thoughts about AA, her opinions of AAs, other than I want her to have a good opinion of me. Like, you know, and don't you know, we AAs are the best people on earth, you know? I'm a bit biased. But I don't have the power. Again, through repeated experiences of mistakes I've made, trying to manipulate others to change their behaviors, to change them to suit me. How dare I? One of the greatest gifts this program offers, and I don't practice this perfectly, but it's the ability to allow others to be who they are as they are, and show up as themselves.
This is the gift God has given us. This program has given us. We are who we are, and you know, we're honest about it. So how could I show up? Who would God have me be with this dear old friend of mine in South Carolina who has a poor view of AAs? And the seeming selfishness she described of these AAs around the passing of her father. And she happened to have a bad foot. So on the day, morning I left, I was talking with her a little bit and giving her a little foot rub on the bad foot.
And I said, Anne, you know, this is how God does for me what I can't do for myself. Anne, if you were to sit down with your dad as if he was still here, and speak to him frankly about what you shared with me so openly, as you did, you know, last night, what do you think, what do you think your dad, how would he respond? And she says, well, first I think my dad would listen. My dad would listen. And then he would apologize and say, I know it seemed like I paid more attention to, you know, my AAs than I did to you at times, but you have to know that I couldn't help you unless I was helping them.
And if I wasn't helping them, I couldn't help myself. And that was the entire conversation. I just couldn't believe that this woman tapped into something so spiritual with herself, with her connection with her father that's still obviously alive and well for her. And then, you know, zoomed off to the conference. But, you know, there's a lot of things that we can learn from each other. And then, you know, zoomed off to the conference.
But, you know, this is how this 10-step can work sometimes for us. Now, there have been other experiences I've had, you know. I know there's a sponsy here who's heard this story, but I used to take this little trip years ago to visit my son down in Santa Cruz, who was in college there, and then drive to San Jose and then fly down to San Diego, who's my daughter's in college down there. And when I get to San Diego, I open my luggage and there is the Santa Cruz beach towel from the hotel there in my luggage.
Yeah, at least one of you likes beach towels too from hotels, okay, I can see you. Ooh, dishonesty. Now, you know, prior to taking these steps, this is in recovery, mind you, right? Like this is, you know, years into recovery. I have, I've stolen a hotel beach towel and I was torn up about it.
[00:35:01]
I had very little sleep and immediately, you know, what can you do? What can you do? Can you ask God to remove that? No, the act is done. What if I was paying attention in Santa Cruz while I was stuffing that beach towel in my, you know, luggage and was paying attention to my thought life? Is this selfish, dishonest, resentful, or fearful? I actually don't even remember putting that thing in my luggage, but I did, obviously.
And so I missed that first piece, continue to watch, continue to watch. And as a result of not watching, I actually took the action and stole a beach towel. I mean, I'm a thief. So writing my sponsor, hello, this is happening. I'm gonna take it to the UPS store and mail it back. I sure did, snapped a picture of the receipt, off we go. The question came of that though, Rima, where else are you being dishonest?
And because of the willingness to share this dishonesty with my sponsor, I was able to recall an old acquaintance of mine. I used to steal $20 bills from when I was a young girl. In fact, this woman who worked incredibly hard used to clean our house once a week. And I would sneak into the laundry room, go into her purse, and I would, you know, take money from this poor lady who worked all day, you know, cleaning various hotels and then came to our house and helped us out.
And so that emerged, even though I had walked through these steps, done the work, done the fourth step, fifth step, made amends, you know, to everyone I could think of, this emerged, you know, and I don't know, let's see, when did the pandemic, 2020, maybe eight years, nine years in recovery? So I got to find this woman, and she still lived in San Francisco. And I became friends with her daughter because her daughter's the translator.
Munson doesn't speak English, she speaks Mandarin. And I got to go there and make amends to her as a result of keeping current, you know, with my sponsor, as a result of trying, practicing this 10th step as imperfectly as I did during those days on this trip. And when I went to make amends to her and give her the cash, an amount I just prayed about and gave her, she didn't want to accept the money.
I said, you know, take this. I need for you to have this in order for me to stay sober. And I left there, called my sponsor, and looked over at the passenger seat in my car and just started weeping because there was a bag with a silk scarf and a, oh my God, this is incredible, Ramona, a box of chocolates. It just occurred to me. I was gifted, I was gifted these gifts, making amends for, you know, hideous behavior as a kid and teenager.
You know, what was I using that money for? Drugs and money. But that's so interesting. I'm remembering the story and this meeting is called a box of chocolates. I mean, nine times out of 10, the unexpected happens during these amends. And if this was an amends talk, I would talk to you about many more experiences that have just filled me with a great deal of joy and a grace and a mercy from folks that I made these amends to, I can't even describe.
It's beyond words to me.
[00:40:00]
The power of forgiveness. And I'm not going in with the intention or expectation of forgiveness, but I'm going in with this sincere willingness to make right my wrong. And so this is another beautiful benefit of the 10th step. You know, you never know where it might take you, where it might lead. Stay curious. One of these other experiences I had, and then I think you said I go till five till, maybe?
Okay. Was, with my son. He's still kind of angry at me when his dad and I split up early in recovery. And I would go over there once his dad's house, once or twice a week to pick him up, him and my daughter up for dinners. And, you know, spend some consistent time with them when I could, when I was allowed to, let's put it that way, when I was allowed to, that's more honest. When the court said, you can visit on these days at these times.
And so on the phone the night before, he tells me, mama, I think I'm gonna skip dinner with you tomorrow night. He's a young teen. I want to skateboard with my friends. And of course my immediate reaction, you know, not watching for my selfishness, dishonesty, fear, was, oh, that's fine, honey. You know, and justifying that response with, he's a teenager. Of course he wants to spend time with his friends more than he wants to spend with you, go skateboarding, no problem.
But when I got off that phone, I reflected. And I was like, no, actually, this is not okay. Why did I do that thing again that makes me look like things are fine when they're not? Do I not owe it to myself and my son to be honest with him? I picked up the phone immediately and I told my son, I am not trying to change your mind, but I need to be honest with you. I'm gonna miss you. And hung up and got a text five, 10 minutes later, I don't even know how much.
And he says, mama, can we meet for coffee in the morning instead? And I was like, whoa, you know, the power of these steps, the power of being willing to be vulnerable and honest created this outcome I hadn't imagined, I hadn't expected. And not only did I get to see him for coffee that day, but I got to see him for lunch too on his request, not my demand. So I went from one visit with my son to zero visits with my son to two visits with my son that day.
And that young man is now 23 years old and he was curious what I was doing on my phone one day recently and asked me, what's up mom, what's going on on your phone? I was like, oh, this is me doing my gratitude list. And he asked me, what's a gratitude list? And I explained what a gratitude buddy is. It's something I've been doing for years on the suggestion of my sponsor, and I was like, oh, that's great.
It's something I've been doing for years on the suggestion of my sponsor. And he asked me, can I be a gratitude buddy? Now we exchange gratitudes regularly and it is just the most touching experience to have with a boy who didn't wanna look at me for years through this work. Our relationship today, both my son and my daughter are deeper and more intimate and close than I could ever, ever imagine had I not admitted I was an alcoholic, powerless, over alcohol and walked through these steps, made amends.
So it says that we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol, for by this time out, sanity will have returned. I'm Out, Sanity Will Have Returned, We Will Seldom Be Interested in Liquor, If Tempted, We Recoil from It as From a Hot Flame, We React Sanely and Normally and Will Find That
[00:45:03]
This Has Happened Automatically, We Will See That Our New Attitude Toward Liquor Has Been Given Us Without Any Thought or Effort on Our Part, It Just Comes, That Is the Miracle of It, We Are Not Fighting It, Neither Are We Avoiding Temptation, We Feel As Though We Have Been Placed in a Position of Neutrality, Safe and Protected, We Have Not Even Sworn Off, Instead the Problem Has Been Removed, It Does Not Exist for Us, We Are Neither Cocky Nor Are We Afraid, That Is Our Experience, That Is How We React So Long As We Keep in Fit Spiritual Condition.
And you know, prior to being introduced to PPG and walking through these steps in earnest, I would say that any time I had a problem, I thought a meeting was the cure, I thought a meeting was the solution. And today, I know that it is confession, you know, that's a religious term, I apologize for that, but admission of my shortcomings, admission of my shortcomings, sincere prayer that God changed me, root and branch, not just branch, so that I can look good, through and through.
And I stick with big book meetings, step meetings. I've somehow, without my permission, commissioned out of discussion talks and non-big book meetings. When I feel a nudge to go to a meeting, I do go, I try to listen to that nudge, and it doesn't matter what kind, I go today in an effort to contribute, to help someone, to meet someone new maybe. I don't know why a nudge comes, I just try to listen.
And that's what I do. But I'm so grateful you guys have listened for as long as you had, if you were, and thank you again, Ramona, welcome to any newcomers and any celebrants who have anniversaries. My name is Rima, and I am an alcoholic. Thank you so much, Rima, I'm so proud. It's just, you did such a good job, and you're sweet. I kept noticing the shadow of your dimple on that right side, because you're opposite, you know, so I love it.
It was great. Thank you so much for joining us tonight, where you never know what you're going to get. You will have to just keep coming back. We surely hope to see you here next Thursday. Our special guest is Brian S., in my sponsorship family, and he is from the PPG group in Sandy Springs, Georgia. So yeah, it's really good. And he's a sweet, sweet guy, and he's kind of cute too, we harass him about that.
If you like this meeting, please do as Bill Wilson always says, pass it on. You can help others right from your phone or computer and tell them about this special meeting. And everyone is invited to hang out with us afterwards, in the meeting, after the meeting, on the back porch. It's supposed to be in the back porch, that's what we do. Okay, Rima, this is what we talked about at the beginning, where you take us out with the prayer of your choice.
Or any closing comments? No, no closing comments. I do want to practice that. Do people get unmuted as we pray? We can. It's up to you. It's a box of chocolates. You know what, since we got to experience that Whisper Serenity Prayer together at the Appalachian Conference, I'd love it if you all would indulge me and whisper the Serenity Prayer with me. Unmute everybody. You can do this. Okay. God, God, grant me wisdom and strength to accept the things I cannot change, so I can do the best I can, and the wisdom to know that I'm not different.
[00:50:07]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Rima. Love it. Love it. Thank you so much, Rima. Thank you. You did a great job, Rima. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.