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Source: Ralph W – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-09-18.m4a File: ralph-w-box-of-chocolates-2025-09-18.mp3 Duration: 00:51:07
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Study. Thank you, Ramona. My name is Ralph White. I am an alcoholic. Ramona, what time do I stop? About five to the hour. Okay. Okay. My name is Ralph White. I'm an alcoholic. And people are waving. Thank you, guys. You must know I need a joke of of AA adrenaline this morning. You know, I almost overslept. I dozed off, Ramona. I'm sorry. You know, I've been in the bed the last two days. And I've been in the bed fighting this this thing. I understand that it's a strain of something that's going around. And I guess I'm in it, you know. And so, I got to go on. I got to get on the plane in the morning.
So, I've been really trying to knock this out. And Tuesday, I was in the bed. Wednesday, I was in the bed. Didn't even put on clothes. Stayed in pajamas. Did some calls. Thank you, guys, for giving me a break. I didn't have that many calls or anything. And then today, I was feeling somewhat better. And about noon, I hit a barrier. So, I took some NyQuil. And I'm woozy. So, let's not tell them what is going to come out this morning. AJ, you tripping?
So, you put in there you really feel bad about a relapse that happened on Tuesday. Mm-hmm. In August of 1985, I came to the program for the very first time. I was 32 years old. And I was in the care unit, big program out at Cedars-Sinai Hospital out here. And I had never seen AA and never been exposed to it. For some reason, in that year of 1985, it was the first time I saw Days of Wine and Roses. I'm dating myself. And I'm glad to see people on here with gray hair like Richard, you know. And because, you know, I feel comfortable talking and using all my references. Because youngsters be like, what are you talking about?
But I had seen Days of Wine and Roses for the first time. And in Days of Wine and Roses, which is still a great AA movie, right? And for the first time, I had seen a character come in there and he had talked about he going to an AA meeting. He said, my name is so-and-so. I forget the character of Days of Wine. And I'm an alcoholic. And people would say, so the first time I went to Cedars-Sinai for a meeting and people said, my name is so-and-so. I said, that's just like the movie. That's just like the movie. Most movie depictions are nothing like what we really do, right? They usually have people sitting in a circle and then they'll stand up and talk about something that whatever it is that, you know, I'm an accountant. It's usually the craziest.
But that depiction, I remember having never heard, my name is Ralph and I'm an alcoholic. Brand new. Didn't know what to expect. Nervous. Had never heard Chapter 5 read. Had never heard the Serenity Prayer. I had never heard it until I came to Outlawed Synonyms. Never heard any of those things. And the thing about it, you guys, is I found the meetings interesting from the very first time I came into them. And I didn't see them the same way I see them now. I was sitting at this big Sunday night meeting and a guy was pouring his heart out, right? Sharing about tragic stuff. And people were laughing. I'm a guy, I didn't know it until now. I used to think, and sometimes I still do, you got to present serious in order to be serious. So I'm serious about this. I'm about 10 days sober, right? Why y'all laughing at him? And I'm mad, dog. And people looking at him trying to get the laughter off that. And they're laughing. Not paying me no attention. I'm the newcomer. And I was sincerely
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puzzled. This guy is up here sharing his heart out. Why are you guys laughing? AJ did not know where I had landed. This strange new place, Alcoholics Anonymous, that is home for me right now. The traditions, the customs, which are different than traditions. Groups have customs and the rest. And the etiquette, the vocabulary, that's big. The language, all of that. How we act and conduct. But it was foreign territory for me at that time. And so I thought you had to present serious to be serious. Because this is a strange place. If you're new on here, it's a place where we laugh at the tragedies and we cry at the successes. We're a funny crew, strange group of people. People share about doing some of the craziest things and we burst into laughter. Then people talk about showing up for graduation, showing up at a wedding, standing up for your parents when they got to be the ones you get to be the caretaker. All the big events. And we cry. And we cry. So AJ, get used to, I needed somebody to help me navigate the strange terrain. And that's one of the things that we don't think about with sponsorship that much. That is an essential feature in sponsoring. Helping somebody navigate the new land, the new design for living, the new lifestyle, the vocabulary, the etiquette.
No, get to the meeting. Getting to the meeting on time is getting to the meeting late. Get to the meeting early. Stay late. Get in the car. Go through all of that kind of stuff was new. I came to you guys October the 11th of 1986. So a little shorter, 39 years ago. I had started getting loaded when I was 18 years old in earnest. I had dibbled and dabbled some, but I was a school boy and I had stuff to do and places to go. And I was a serious young man.
Always have been pretty tightly wound in that sense. I'm fun loving, but I'm very serious. And that aspect of me, it took me a while to grow into myself. And actually it happened in Alcoholics Anonymous, because I'm an acquired taste. I'm not the pretty boy like some of you guys on here. I'm not the player. I'm not the mad guy. I'm the shy guy and I'm scared of girls. And I'd hang around and I'm the guy to be ear hustling guys. Didn't I see my boy Rodney on here or some people like that. And those guys that might've been players, I'd be ear hustling, wondering, what do you say to make a girl giggle? Because I didn't have that in me. But I was always a popular young kid too. So I started getting loaded band as a freshman and it progressed as it does. And I started having escapades. I love it when Bill talks about our personal adventures before and after.
He describes this shenanigans as adventures, our personal adventures before and after. And I had a lot of them. I'm a club guy. I'm a party guy. I had a host of friends most of my life. And so I go through life like that. And I go through the stages, man. I start drinking and I started as a weekend drinker and somewhere in my freshman year, it had progressed to the point where it was almost daily. By my sophomore year, I'm drinking and smoking herb on a daily. By my junior year, I'm drinking, smoking herb, smoking hash, added cocaine. And now I'm really in the life and I'm in it because I'm in it, whatever it is I do. I don't have stuff. And that's a gift because it's something I didn't have to cultivate when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I've never been a sipper.
I've never been a sipper. I ain't interested in sipping. I'm an all-in guy. So I was hard in the
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paint, hard. And so by 1980, I'm probably 78 or 79. I'm well across the line, the invisible line where alcohol ceased to be a luxury and became a necessity. And now I'm in it. In the mid-80s, I got married in 80. In the mid-80s, I have a baby. In 1983, me and Mary have a baby. My daughter Rain. I wanted to be a father. I had an absentee dad. And so all my life, not stated, but unstated, but known to me was I'm going to be a better dad than my dad ever was.
When I'm a daddy, my kids are always going to sleep under one roof. They're going to know who their parents are. They're going to know that they love. They're going to know that they're protected. They're going to know that they're safe and they're going to know they are nurtured and they are going to know that they are going to be well taken care of. That was me. And I blew the first part of that coming out before she hit this earth. We had had a day. Rain was born on May 3rd, 1983. And the week before she was born, we had a false alarm and me and my wife showed up at the hospital. Nothing happened. She went back in the hospital that weekend because it had been a Monday or Tuesday. And she called me and was like, they're going to induce labor. If I don't have it naturally, they're going to induce or I'm going to have a C-section. So you need to get up here a couple of hours.
And Ronnie came by my house and she shouldn't have stayed a couple of hours. Maybe she should, it didn't matter. And we took one. And all that ideas about she's going to be loved, she's going to be nurtured, she's not going to be abandoned. I missed my daughter's birth. And that was to be a hallmark. And that was 83. And by 85, things have really deteriorated at the house. And I got put out the house in 85, going in the first one too many times.
Ended up in my mom's house. And that's the year of 85 that I first went into treatment. And on my 90th day sober in 1985, it was the way I went into treatment the first time you guys, I had been out doing what I do. And I was never, I was somewhat working, you know, off and on. And my wife came by on a Friday to get some money, I thought, came by my mom's house. And of course I didn't have any. And she just took a look at me. She didn't go off. She didn't rage. She didn't do anything. She said, a friend of mine went into a treatment, my insurance will pay. You willing to go?
And I was at such a low point because I didn't have the money. I didn't have anything for her. She didn't rant. She didn't rain. I felt sucked. And so I went. And I have been in spots where they blew, you know, I was in spots where the door was hanging on hinges because the shotgun, you know, they shot a hole in the door and the police had busted it down. I have been in spots that it got raid. I have been in all manner of places comfortable. And the first time I walked in the treatment, I was scared to death. I don't know why I was scared to death. And this girl sat on my bed. Her name was Ellen. She was around until Ellen died a few years ago.
She was part of this crew of six that I formed at the time that said we were going to keep each other sober because I liked sobriety, you guys. I took to it. And when you want a 28 day program, when you 14 days in, you are old timer and you greet the newcomers that come in and you showing them the ropes. And Ellen was like that. She had about 14 days and she sat on my bed and said, we don't do anything. I said, we don't do anything. We don't do nothing. You don't do nothing. What? No, you got me confused. That's not why I'm coming up in here. I'm coming up in here to get this specific gorilla off my back. I can't stop. So y'all miss me. And so we said, you know, and I said, you know, came out the program. And on day 89, I was at the carry. I was at the speakeasy with a friend of mine and a girl that was just a tight friend of mine.
And she ordered a Long Island iced tea and she.
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and I was sitting at the table with the Long Island. And, you know, to be sober, our literature talks about, in order for me to be sober, there must be no lurking notions or reservations. I had a reservation. I thought that, you know, that, you know, it was this pipe that had done this to me, this cocaine, you know, alcohol. Yeah, I know that it's bad. And I drank that Long Island, you guys, and I got a real understanding of my condition. And I stayed out 11 months.
11 months. That was November of 85. And I made it back October of 86, with a real understanding of my condition. Turn night, I had done the step A, which is prior to step one. You know, I had done step A. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost self. And I said to me, to me, dude, you can't do nothing. Yeah, alcohol is your master, for real. You were mild in it. Step one, admitted that I'm powerless. But the first step in recovery was fully conceding to my innermost self.
And so I had that piece in place because I had already thought I had admitted it. But that right there, you know, I got a firm understanding of my condition. Mature people can learn from other people's experiences. That's taught experience. Any mature people like me got to get it themselves. That's bought experience. Most of my experience is of the bought variety. I got to get it myself. I could hear you guys talking in the rest. Yeah, okay. You know, yeah, now that I'm sober, I'm gonna be able to sell dope. Now that I'm sober, I know I'll be able to, okay, all right, too bad. And so I've learned it, you know, on my own. So I had that first step in place. And then the second half of that step, life, you know, I was 33 years old in October of 1986. I was 33 years old. I had not answered anybody's eight o'clock or nine o'clock wake up call to go to work in so long. I didn't think I was employable. I didn't know where my little girl was enrolled in school. I didn't know where my family was living. I didn't have a driver's license. I didn't have a place to stay. You know, you talk about just on a fundamental level. I knew my life was a man. Forget page for do forget all the stuff I was going to explore later, just coming in on that tip. I'm like, yes, my life is a mess. When it's so much that we read you guys, that speaks to me, not because we're reading it and I go through it. It just shouts at me. And the part where it talks about his problems pile up on him and become astonishingly difficult it seemed like it ain't no way to try to climb up out of this. I had so many warrants. I didn't think I'd ever drive again. I was on check systems. For those of you who don't know, if you've been overdrawn or if you've been fraudulently taking money out the bank, the bank is banned. I had to go to check cashers. My first three or four years sober, I was at check cashers. I couldn't get a bank account. I owed the IRS. I owed the franchise tax board. I owed everybody I knew. I didn't have a driver's license. My license was suspended.
I didn't have ID. I had not worked in two years. I had a big gap on my resume. Those are all the externals. They had nothing to do with this condition internally where I hadn't looked at myself full face in the mirror in the last two years. Problems pile up and become astonishingly difficult to solve. How am I going to ever be welcome in my daughter's life again? How am I going to ever get mama to trust me again? How am I going to ever regain my standing in my community? It was just big, but there was one thing that I didn't know that was fueling me. It's the one thing that each and every one of us come up in here, that amazing grace and this amazing fellowship.
I started going to meetings with a vengeance because the mountain was too big to look at, but when I went to a meeting, I didn't look at none of my problems. When I went to a meeting, I didn't look at bankruptcy facing me. When I went to a meeting, I didn't look at the fact that how am I going to ever go back to work again? When I went to a meeting, I didn't think about
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the fact that I had a suspended driver's license. I had a bus pass. I had a calling car, and I went to a meeting, and I was in sanctuary. I was in safe haven. I think we underestimate what happens with our means, and I started going to them, man. I started hitting them. So I got out the Harbor Life Center, and I had about 90 days when I got out, and I started going to 9604 South Figueroa firmly with that first step in mind. That's all I had was a well-whooped ass, and with that, I sallied forth, and a gorilla was on me. But it's amazing what happens in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I got a sponsor, and Terry will share something, and he'll say, what we have, you guys, and all of you know it. You can't get it by osmosis. Our program on recovery, you can't get it by osmosis, but we got something that we can have. What we do have is contagious. The enthusiasm is contagious. That hope, it's contagious. That generosity of spirit that you guys started, it's contagious, and I caught it. I caught it. That's what I caught, and I couldn't wait to go to a meeting. As I look back, which is the only way to judge spiritual growth, you guys, in development, you don't look at it looking forward. You don't stand next to the wall like you do when you're a little kid. When we look back, when we look back, and as I look back, I see, in Sandy, Chuck Chamberlain talks in A New Pair of Glasses, and Chuck talks about in his first three years, he wishes, he said it was the best time. He wasn't handicapped by what he knew already. Wasn't handicapped by judgment. Wasn't handicapped by self-righteousness.
Wasn't handicapped by spiritual arrogance. Everything was new. It's like being a kid and being an infant, and that was what I brought to the table at 33 years old. It's like being a kid when I was in Alcoholics Anonymous in the early days, and I started going to meetings. I started going to meetings, and I went to three a day. I went 18 months without a job. Something started happening to me in the meetings that I didn't know. As I would be sitting in those meetings, I think going to meetings is a spiritual experience. When we talk about our second step, the coming to believe, it's active. It's not a passive pursuit, and it's not an event.
That's why it's worded that way. We came to believe. It didn't say, we did this, then we believe. This coming to believe is a process, and we can read about it. We Agnostics, and We Agnostics is one of my favorite chapters, and it has a great, it's great for what I call overcoming objections, objections to the spiritual life and why it's going to be hard for a guy like me to take the medicine. Step one is the problem. That's the diagnosis. Step two is the solution. That's the medicine. You suffer from any illness. When I take one, I can't stop. When I sincerely don't want to start it up again, I put it in me and start it up again anyway. Bodily and mentally different. That's the problem. The solution, spiritual experience. That's the medicine. I can't take that medicine. I don't like the way it looked like the medicine tastes. I ain't tasting it. I don't like the way you spiritual folk look like you walk. You got to be squared up. You look like you talk down. I'm the scoffer, the skeptic, the cynic, and so I don't like the way, but I never tasted the medicine. And so you guys made it look attractive and you made it look available. And as I was sitting in those seats, something started happening to me, unknown. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't notice coming to believe process was happening, but as I was going to those meetings actively, actively placing my behind in a seat three times a day, I would go to a meeting and it doesn't matter what side of town I was on. You guys, somebody would say, my name is Kim. I'm an alcoholic. Alcohol had its way with me. I found a power bigger than me. I haven't had a drink in six months. Go to another side of town and Adrian would be sitting there and Adrian would say, my name is Adrian. I'm an alcoholic.
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Alcohol had its way with me. I found a power bigger than me. I haven't had a drink in 18 months. Go to another side of town, a whole nother meeting, a whole nother night. Michael's sitting in there. My name is Mike. I'm an alcoholic. Alcohol had its way with me. I found a power bigger than me. I haven't had a drink in two years. I'm like, damn, they singing from the same sheet. And slowly but surely, all of y'all wouldn't be lying. I'm hard-headed. I'm arrogant. I'm stubborn. I'm a know-it-all, but not everybody is going to be lying to me. And I started coming to believe what you guys said. You just gently took me along without me even realizing. And one day, I'm standing in the circle holding hands and I'm feeling depressed. I'm holding hands and I'm saying the prayer. I'm finding myself doing things that I wouldn't have ordinarily been doing.
I find myself involuntarily praying. And I was a guy, I would claim stuff that wasn't real. You know what I'm saying? Because I grew up in the 60s and the 70s, revolutionary and an activist, you know, power. And so I would claim stuff just because that's the crew I was running with. But I've never not had an idea that there is a power. I've never not. So this idea of a power that's greater than me was like coming home.
The other piece that was so comfortable for me was I've always been a guy that thinks, I don't care. That is an attribute of mine that is not of me, that's God-given. One of the things is I think for myself, and some of what people would say and preachers, and that appealed to me, that idea of a power greater than yourself that's personal to you. And so since I need a power greater than me, and you guys seem to be making use of that power, took me to a ship. So in 17, oh, I guess, even 13 months in, I'm a year and a month sober.
And I got in this workshop that me and Ronnie and my boy Strange, you know, we started this workshop at my mama's house. And a month into that workshop, Joe and Charlie came to Long Beach, and we went and saw Joe and Charlie. And it invigorated me. You got them to sign my book and the rest of that. And I don't know about the rest of you guys, what does this have to do with recovery? Nothing and everything. Nothing and everything. You may not have any. And so when you are on your own journey, you benchmark your own stuff. Why do I say nothing and everything?
Well, it's not something that I'm going to prescribe to everybody that you got to go up and get your book signed and the rest of it. But see, when I was a kid, I wanted Marty Wills to sign my gloves. I wanted Sandy Koufax to sign a ball. I wanted to go backstage when I had my t-shirt and have Marvin Gaye sign my t-shirt when I was at the concert. I'm that guy. You know, there are people that leave footprints on me, and they leave marks on me. And when I went and had Joe and Charlie sign my book, apparently I've signed up for Alcoholics Anonymous the way I signed up for the Dodgers and the way I signed up for the Lakers in a deeper way, in a more meaningful way. That may not mean anything to anybody, but for me, it spoke to me. You in this, because that's how I get down. And if I could sit up here and know all the words to what's going on and know the liner notes and know how much, you know, when Marty Wills stole 104 bases and what year it was that he was in, if I could do that, you got damn right that I could be a fan of what it is that's saving my life. I'm a fan. I'm a student. I am an advocate. I'm a satisfied customer.
And when I went and saw Joe and Charlie, and they signed our book, I had a renewed zeal and dedication for this. And you know, and like I say, that ain't a requirement. You ain't got to be a fan boy and all that. But you know, I got into the history. I got into everything. And we got on our knees shortly. And, uh, we got on our knees shortly after that workshop, and I got on my knees with a group of men and women, and I said, okay, God, do something with me.
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I've been doing that for years and years and years and years and years, you know, and I've done it with a group that started out at about 15, and I've done it with a group that's, uh, we're gonna do it with a group this Sunday on Zoom, amazingly. Can it be transmitted, this thing of ours, this grace we've tapped into, this spiritual synergy? Can it be transmitted, Ralph, that we found that amazingly, you know, this spiritual universe that we inhabit now, it's boundless, and it doesn't have the same, but so what, it doesn't have the same, it has its own flavor.
You know, we've done this now, since we've had this pandemic happen, I've got on my knees with about 400, 500 people online, on an online platform, and I say, okay, God, do something with me. Now, I do what it says in the group, because it's worded that way, but if you want your recovery to pop and go in technicolor, put it in your own words, and our book encourages us to do that. It says the word is entirely optional.
So I go to that third step, this, you know, and if you knew, and you know, I might go to it. I love the language of the book, so I don't change, but I'll go to it another, okay, God, Israel, I'm here, I don't know you, but I believe that you know me, you made me, I believe you know me, you know, I don't know much about you, but the people at the meeting speak very highly of you, and I'm here on their references, relieve me of the bondage of self, you know, do something with me, relieve me of the bondage of self, I still get you, and I need that, I've been needing that for a long time, it's too much of me on me, it's too much of me on you, it's too much of me between me and you, it's too much of me between me and God, it's too much of me up in my head, it's too much of me, but please, please, please, please, I'm intense, I'm serious, I'm alive, relieve me of the bondage of self, we call that bondage of self, as we journey through the book, we're going to describe it in a lot of other ways, you know, bondage of self, character defects, you know, self will, we're going to talk about that in a lot of different ways later on, all of them mean bondage of self, so I can better do what it is that you have me to do, because I've been running amok doing my thing all over the place, and my thing got me in what I described to you guys shortly, a little while ago, no driver's license, no registration, no friendly direction, no look in the mirror in the last two years, no job prospects, bankruptcy looking at me, just a whole host of things, and most of all, I had lost the power choice over whether or not I'd be doing it, and I stopped caring about it, and when I stopped caring about where this disease had taken me, it scared me, shook me, so relieve me, take away my difficulties, victory over them, bear witness to those I would help, I know some stuff that's going to come my way, and if you take them away from me, I promise, I'll tell them it was you, and over the course of these 38 plus years, I've had a lot of things that I've had to walk through, I've had a lot of things that, and I haven't had to, decisions based on self that put me in position I've had a lot of lions circling, I've had a lot of in the lion's den moments, I've had a lot of in the whale's belly moments, I've had a lot of on the wrong side of the Red Sea, I'm going to get to the other side moments, and I've been delivered each and every, and it ain't been me, and I'm here to report that it has not been me, and every single time, it's been a power, so I came up out of there, because I'm a person that needs power, I'm 60, I'm 72 years old, you guys, and sometimes I still look for summer vacation for my life, because when you grown, you got to be grown every day, oh, and that's the most amazing thing about this program, I think, I think, for me, is the unintended, unexpected consequences of signing up for Alcoholics Anonymous, and the most unintended, unexpected consequence is being able to stand up and face what it is
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that comes my way every day, we're all man, bring it, we stand, that's what we get, we stand, you know, and so that third step, and if it seems like it's hard, you know, I've been thinking about that lately, you know, and you know, anybody on here ever have a girl or a guy that you really wanted to get with, and when you were young, think about it, and you wouldn't step to them, right, because you're scared, because if you step to them and ask them, will you go with me, what might happen, they might tell you no, right, they might reject you, that's why you're not going to go to them, you want to get in a relationship, but they might tell you no, out of all the people on this platform right now, 62 people, and I don't know how many of the 62 people have said, okay, God, I offer myself to you, but if we took a poll of people who said, God, I offer myself to you, you know, how many people are on here, I would be, you know, and so we take a poll, almost everybody, how many of you on here that offers yourself to God, how many of you did God say, I don't want you? If you're new, and if you're scared of the relationship, I'm here to tell you, the answer will be yes, you ain't got to worry about it, if you knew that you could get with Holly Baird, and she'd say yes, would you, would you go, yes, if you knew that person in your journey was on, yes, if you knew this person that was going to give you all the things that your heart desire, and going to make your heart sing, and make it swell, would you step to, yes, the answer will be yes, but I'm scared, I don't merit that, I don't, I can't live up to that, I can't live up to whatever it is that that union requires, you know, and our book talks about God doesn't make too hard terms to those who seek him, I've been talking about this lately, it comes to me, you know, I got two grandsons, and when they see granddaddy, you know, I wish I was going to be here Saturday, because they're playing ball, and both of them have games, thankfully, they're usually set about two hours apart, artist is six, and arrow is, I mean, arrow is six, and artist is 11, and when they see me, you know, on the field, or when I'm coming out of the stand, both of them, they just run as fast as they can, and they come, and they grab my legs, and they hang on, they say, granddaddy, and they hang on to my legs, and my heart wants to jump out his chest, right, because they come to me, and I don't want anything from my boys, I don't want them bowing down to me, I don't want them, you know, pledging undying fealty to me, I don't want them, they don't have to go to school and tell everybody, I got the best granddaddy, you need a granddaddy, like, they don't need to do none of that, I don't need nothing, I don't need anything from them, and my heart swells when they come running to me like that, and here's what I believe, and my sponsor talks about it all the time, I believe that every cell, every atom, every molecule, all of my DNA is of God, everything that's God is not Ralph, but everything that's Ralph is of God, so that feeling, that heartburst feeling is not of me, I didn't put it in me, I didn't put this response to my boys running at me in me, that's a God-given response, so I imagine if that's how I feel when my boys run at me, oh my God, is that how God feels when I run at him? Only, as in everything that's of God, exponentially bigger, better, more, oh my God, you mean God is thirsty for me? Like that? Like that?
And I want to report, or I want to submit to each and every one of you, yes, I believe that, I believe that God is thirsty for you like that, I believe if it's something that's going on right now in my life that seems difficult, and it seems hard, and it seems trying, I can look at it like God is testing me, you know, as a lot of people do, or I can look at it as I do with almost everything that has come my way, I've made decisions based on myself that later put me in a position for not God to test me, but for God to bless me, you know, just when I think I'm drowning in my troubles, turns out I'm just swimming in grace. Grace, that's all there is, you guys.
[00:40:03]
People call it an unmerited gift. I don't know that it's a gift. We call it that, but a gift, I believe, and for us, we have to look at it like that because we people, you know, but it's just, wow, it's available. It's oxygen. It's air. It's what you come in the world with. It's what you cocooned in. It's what animates you. It is everything, you know, and I think what it is that we charge with in Alcoholics Anonymous, this 12-step process that we have, this series of ego-reducing spiritual exercises, right? I think what they do is make me available to grace. They don't make me available to the grace that's already there.
I say the formula all the time. Here's the mathematical formula for this deal that we are engaged in. I suffer from an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer. Here's spiritual experience. Grow God, shrink Ralph, whole deal. Grow God, shrink Ralph, whole deal. Our book talks about as I, you know, disclose myself to him, shrink Ralph, he reveals himself to me, grow God, and I start that shrinkage and so then I get off my knees and I pick up a pen and I picked up the pen, you guys, now for this business of self-examination. I've been doing it for a long time now and I don't care if you call it a spot check inventory, if you call it a full-fledged inventory, you know, I don't know what it is, but this business of looking at ourselves, that's new, you know, where I come from, you don't do it, it's a paper trail. I ain't writing, you know, and then I really ain't telling, now snitch it on yourself. I'm not doing that, you know, but it has super benefits.
You know, one of the biggest benefits of doing a four-step that I found is you can rewrite your history. I had on my first fourth step, my mom was on it and for a couple of them, you know, and it took me a while to look back to see this new history and my mom, you know, like is remarkable and my mom, you know, was a self-made woman. She was on welfare, raised six boys by herself. My mom was a domestic, went back to high school, college, you know, ended up as an exec and retired with a lot of accolades from, you know, a big company in the insurance field, but my mom was, you know, she used to clean people's bathrooms, used to scrub people's floors in the 60s, you know, at a time when no, we standing up, we ain't doing that.
Mama, that was embarrassing. It was humiliating to me. I wasn't doing it, but it was embarrassing to me and I wouldn't bring partners home from school. She might be in the living room with an ironing board, a rag on her head, you know, and so, you know, and so she was in my inventory, you know. Mom embarrassed me. My self-esteem, you know, must be something wrong with me. What's, you know, what's up with that? I'm doing some menial stuff like that. My pride, other people gonna look down on us. You got a mom sitting in there. My ambition, I wanted a huxtable mom. I want her in the apron and looking good in the kitchen, you know, my personal relationships.
I'm not going to bring partners home from school. You know, my ambition, my security, oh my God, our financial security, my emotional security, all of them, even my sexual, you know, relations later on in life, you know, what I would look at and I would buy myself in the relay anyway. So it hit all of them. But in my fourth column, you guys, and I call it my fourth column. I still say my part. A lot of you guys cringe because, you know, we go through these things and then we get into these, then you get newly enlightened and some stuff that used to be okay. Oh, we don't say that anymore. I started saying that when I did my first inventory in 1987. And guess what?
I can still disregard the other person involved entirely, but I say that, and I don't care how you label your fourth column. You know, you could really label it Babel. Why would you label it Babel? You know, Babel is the translation program, translate from Spanish to English or French or whatever. You know, in the first three columns up speaking victimese, in that last column, I got a translator, Babel. And now I see the truth about it. And so in that fourth column, where I had already been all this time, I had been looking at my mom, you know, she's on her knee and it came out, you know, the design.
on Our Knees, and it came out, you know, the design in the selfie, Ralph, the evidence of your mom is this, was she a subservient lady? No. Did she think that she couldn't do
[00:45:03]
better than that? No. Was she doing that because she was sitting up here and feeling like she's groveling at people's feet and that's why she, no. Was she comfortable cleaning those toilets and scrubbing those floors? Do you think she was doing it because she was comfortable? And to make you look bad? No. Why do you think she was doing that? Because my mom was the mother of six boys who just like baby birds were looking at her with their mouths open.
And my mom, like all mama bears who really, my mom is a fierce protector and that was her love language. My mom put her personal comfort, convenience, and how she thought she'd look, her personal dignity, she put it aside in favor of, I love my boys and they are going to eat. Oh my God, you guys, you mean I can change by history? By doing this thing that we do? What we've been gifted with? We've been gifted with something that is way beyond what we think. Every time I go to a meeting, as I sit on this platform right now, I walk into the doors just for me. Ass out. I need to get the gorilla off the block. And just like my life engulfs all those who touch the sufferer, my recovery touches all those whose lives touch the recoverers. Everybody in here, when I look at you, I see about 10 people sitting behind me. They're shadows and they look there. I see little boys and little girls who are getting ready to have a mama show up at the PTA meeting.
I see sons and I see daughters who are going to have parents sitting in the stands at their soccer games and their football games. I see moms and dads who are going to be clapping at the Christmas program at the preschool. I see grandmamas and granddads, these kids who are going to benefit, who don't even know us, but they know us. They're sitting in here. They're getting the benefits of this meeting right now. I see mothers and fathers who say, who are going to be, you know, probably going to have to have depends. And we're going to be the ones putting them on. They got somebody who's going to be looking after them because that's what we do. We stand, you know, God is thirsty for me. He's got a blessing with my name on it. If you're going through anything that's hard, how many of you on here have already who've been broke before? Why are you tripping? Who's had your heart broke before?
Why are you tripping? Who's been disappointed before? Why are you tripping? Who's been frustrated before? Why are you tripping? Who's had hard times before? Why are you tripping? Who's here right now, standing right now? We are built for hard things. We are built for hard things. Folk like me and you, that's where we come from. That's what we made for. Stand up, wait for the assignment. We're built for hard things. You know, my name is Ralph White.
I'm an alcoholic. Thank you so much, Ralph. Wow. I'm a little overwhelmed. Thank you so much for joining us tonight where you never know what you're going to get. You will have to keep coming back. We surely hope to see you here next Thursday. Our special guest is Harold L. from somewhere up there. St. Louis. Thank you, Ralph. I just completely lost it. Okay. If you like this meeting, please do as Bill Wilson always said, pass it on. You can help others right from your phone or your computer and tell about this special meeting. Everyone is invited to hang out with us afterwards in the meeting, after the meeting on the back porch, because that's how we like to do it in the South. Ralph, do you have any closing comments for us? And would you take us out with a prayer of your choice?
Thank you all for the IV. Every now and then we need to get it right. You know, so when you go to a meeting, you know, that's like getting it IV. That's why we do it, you know,
[00:50:00]
and so thank you. I needed that. Soon as I got off, Ramona, my head was dizzy. I don't know what y'all did to me, but thank you. And after a moment of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers. Please, please join me in the Lord's prayer. Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Thine is the kingdom, power, and the glory forever. Amen.
I love you. Thank you, Ralph. Thank you, Ralph. Thank you so much.