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Source: Rebecca C – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-05-08.m4a File: rebecca-c-box-of-chocolates-2025-05-08.mp3 Duration: 00:55:33
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Largest Fan of Chris Reimer. Thank you, Ramona. First, no, I'm just kidding. My name is Rebecca See, and I am a grateful, recovered alcoholic. My sobriety date is November 3rd, 2019. I have a home group, I have a sponsor, and I sponsor other women. I also definitely believe in the importance of service within AA, which, honestly, sometimes with my lifestyle lately gets tricky, but because of the gift that AA has given me, I always figure out a way, no matter how I am currently living my life, to make sure that I can give back to AA, because it's super important.
I was taught that early on, and, you know, when I introduced myself as a recovered alcoholic, I do that not because it's to toot my own horn. It's truly because I believe it's super important that we let the newcomers know that we don't have to stay sick, because when I came to AA, I was extremely sick, and if I had thought that I was going to stay sick, I would not have stuck around, and, you know, when I talk about being recovered, people like to fight me on that, especially people within sometimes the treatment recovery, like, you're not recovered, you're recovering, but the truth is I am recovered of a hopeless state of mind and body, and I can become unrecovered really quick if I stop doing the things I need to do in AA.
I'm not cured of alcoholism, but I am recovered. It's like if I broke my arm, and I was in a cast, right, I'm recovering from that break, but once I get that cast off, I'm recovered. It doesn't mean that I can't fall and break my arm again, and the same is true with my recovery. So, again, I am a grateful recovered alcoholic today, and I plan on doing what I have to do to stay a recovered alcoholic for the rest of my life, God willing.
So I thought I'd do this talk a little bit different, because I'm so big about being in the solution, and I know my story on the front end is also important, but what I'd like to do is kind of try to work my story into the steps, if that's okay with you guys. So one thing I will say, and I'm just going to briefly talk about this, that I do think is important is in my childhood, there was a lot of trauma in my childhood, just like most of us, right?
The reason it's important is because my attachment to that almost killed me, because I believed that the reason that I drank were because of the things that happened to me when I was young. I just believed that, right? I did not understand that trauma and alcoholism are different, right? They can exasperate each other, but they are separate, and the inability for me to see that almost cost me my life.
The book talks about how we are beyond medical help, like in the doctor's opinion. I wish I had read that part when I first came in, because I was trying to treat my alcoholism with therapy, and it's not that therapy's bad. It's not that I won't ever go to therapy again, but it's that alcoholism requires a separate treatment from trauma, and I really believed that all of the therapy that I did, the trauma facility that I went to, all of those things would cure me of my alcoholism, but those two things are actually separate.
I think it's important to say that, because there is so much trauma in the world, and so many things happen to us, it's important to know that these two things are separate, because again, it took me 44 years to get into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and find the solution. What I believe to be true now, after doing this work, is when we talk about alcoholism being three parts, physical, mental, and spiritual, I believe that a lot of what was happening for me was I had this spiritual malady that the book describes, and I was confusing that with the things that had happened to me.
So the book describes the spiritual malady in the doctor's opinion the first time as restless irritable discontent, right? Also, there's a reason from the doctor's opinion all the way to page 43 that we are only talking about alcoholism. We spend a ton of time in the beginning of the book talking about what alcoholism is, and the reason for that, that I know to be true now, is because if I don't understand
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my condition, if I don't understand what being an alcoholic is, I'm not going to stick
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around the rooms of AA, right? And that's exactly what happened to me. I came into the rooms the first time in AA in, actually, I was court ordered at 14, the first time I took a drink. I had an allergy to alcohol that I did not know, did not understand, but the minute I took a drink, I drank more than I intended to drink, and I ended up court ordered into AA. And my experience was that was, you know, 14 years old.
I'm like, there's a bunch, it was a bunch of old men smoking cigarettes. And I'm like, well, this isn't like what I need. Hindsight's 20-20 because now I'm speaking at an AA meeting about my alcoholism. But the fact is, I didn't understand alcoholism and I didn't understand alcoholism for a really, really, really long time. I want to thank God for my sponsorship and thank God for someone taking me through the book and saying, hey, Rebecca, I don't know if you're an alcoholic or not, but we're going to find out through your own experience in this book if you are.
Because the truth is, being around AA, I had people barking at me all the time, right? Oh, you're an alcoholic and you think you have a choice and all of these things that may have been true. But somebody else telling me that I'm an alcoholic did no good for me. It didn't matter what they thought, what they said. I needed to know for myself that I was an alcoholic. And so, you know, step one, I always heard this in AA, step one is the only step that you have to work perfectly.
And I was always like, what are they even talking about? And I get that at such a core level, because again, if I don't perfectly understand my condition, I will not do these steps like my life depends on it. So step one, we admitted we're powerless over alcohol. There's a hyphen. So that's one statement, right? So what that means to me now is that powerless is synonymous with allergy. So I have an allergy to alcohol that as soon as I take a sip of alcohol, it is going to create in me a phenomenon of craving.
And that craving is going to make me drink more than I intend to drink. Once I sat down with a sponsor, because I'll tell you, when I first heard that, and I remember I had really good sponsorship for a really long time in AA, but I was missing the boat because again, they were telling me what my problem was. It wasn't that they weren't good sponsors. It's that I wasn't connecting to it. But when I heard allergy, I'm like, I don't have an allergy to alcohol.
Like to me, an allergy means that I break out in hives or I have anaphylactic shock. Like I'm going to need an EpiPen. So I immediately like set myself apart, right? Nope. Don't have that. But in 1936, if you look up that what an allergy actually meant, it was an abnormal reaction to a substance or liquid, right? So do I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol when I drink? It's like, well, yeah, because I can't seem to have just a few.
And my story from the minute that I drank was I could never have just a couple of drinks. Some people I know, Chris being one of them, can drink as they intend to drink several times and pull it off, but they never know when that time's going to come again, that they're going to overshoot the mark. For me, I drank to a blackout every time I drank. I was an absolute insane drinker from the very beginning, blackout, psychotic, all of the things that they describe about the alcoholic I was.
But again, I had to get clear on what this allergy was, what it looked like in my story. So all of the times that I've been trying to drink and control my drinking, this explains why I'm not able to do that, right? And I was chasing being able to just have a couple of drinks for most of my drinking career because I can start businesses. I can build my life back up from complete destitution and do it over and over.
I'm super resourceful. So how hard can it be to just have a couple of drinks like that was baffling to me. So I got clear in my story of what this allergy looked like, right? Okay. So it's like, all right, I got this allergy. Well, if I'm an alcoholic, a chronic alcoholic, who the book is for, if the allergy was my only problem, then I could just not drink, right? Because like, I'm allergic to morphine.
And when I realized I was allergic to morphine, I didn't like go to a drug dealer and try to find like all the morphine I could get so that I could take morphine, right? Like it was like, oh, I don't like this reaction. And so I'm going to stay away from this.
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Like even as an alcoholic who used outside substances and stuff, I still would stay away from morphine if I'm in a hospital, I don't want to have that reaction. So, you know, the allergy is not my only problem. So I can have the allergy and still not be an alcoholic. So the second part of step one through going through with a sponsor is admitted our lives had become unmanageable. I thought all the times that I was in AA before what they were talking about were the jobs, the cars, the house, the relationships, like these are the things that they're talking about in the unmanageability, which all of those were true for me in my drinking.
I would lose, get them back, lose, get them. I'd hold people hostage in relationships. I mean, all of that was chaotic for me. And so that's what I thought they meant, but that's not what they're talking about. Because there are people in AA that haven't lost a thing that are dying of alcoholism, right? And so those are just consequences to my drinking, which I have a lot in my story and those don't make me an alcoholic.
So step the second part of step one to me now is I am unable to manage my thoughts around alcohol. So I am insane when it comes to alcohol, right? But this is really truly where I struggled. I think all of the years that I was in AA, because I came into AA quarter to the 14 really gave it a shot in 2000, did not get sober till 2019 because I missed the second part. Because the truth is the way that I felt about it was, okay, so they're saying that we can't manage our thoughts around alcohol, that we have this obsession, right?
This is another place where I set myself apart for many years in AA. I'm like, I don't obsess about alcohol. I don't wake up and I'm not like thinking I got to have alcohol or I'm not an everyday drinker. I'm like a binge drinker. Right? So I don't obsess. I'm thinking an obsession is like, oh, I got to have vodka. I got to have vodka. I got to have vodka. And so I didn't connect to that. But the way that step two or sorry, the second part of step one is that I have lost the power of choice and whether I'm going to drink or not.
And I didn't believe that, to be honest, I didn't because the way I felt was that I made a decision to stop drinking and then I changed my mind. That's what I believed was true. And so when I sat down with a sponsor and we were like, all right, let's look at your history, right? I've been to jail nine times for fighting assault charges in my life. I've been to five rehabs, four mental institutes for suicide attempts.
I, you know, my drink again, these are all consequences. I have held someone at gunpoint. I was in a blackout. I lit a house on fire while I was in it trying to burn everybody down, including myself. I would run people over with cars, like trying to kill them. Like I had so much anger and then have me in a blackout. It was not good for the public. But even with all of those consequences, right, my sponsor is like, let's look at the truth of that.
And so the best example I have of this losing the power of choice and when I finally really got it. Because again, where the book talks about how we can't tell the truth from the false. I'm having all these consequences. I've been to jail nine times. I'm a psychotic drinker. People are afraid to drink with me. I should be in prison. And I'm still thinking it's a good idea to drink. Like I'm still thinking that I'm choosing to drink.
But when we looked at the the last time that I went to jail, I was in Denver, Colorado. It was 2018, OK? And I had gone to jail again. And this time, you know, I'm 44 and it's not a good look. I used to think it was kind of cute and funny, but like I'm devastated this time. I'm like, I cannot believe I'm in jail again. Like at what point am I going to stop doing this? And I was so upset, like that the jailer was so worried I was going to harm myself in this in the jail.
And so it was like a holiday. It was not a major holiday. I was in there. But for whatever reason, I wasn't going to see the judge right away. And they put me in front of the judge early because they were like, this girl's a mess. And so the judge looks at me and is like, Ms. Carr, I'm going to I'm going to let you out on your own recognizance, OK? So they're going to let me out just off with no bail, just off my good name.
And they were like, he obviously didn't pull my record, but he was like, if you I'm going to give you U.A.C. He was like, if you, I'm going to give you UAs,
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and if you drink again, between now and when you go to court, you're going to go to jail for a year. Do you understand? And I'm like, yes, I understand, because I am never going to drink again. Now, here's the thing, is that people think that we are liars. Yes, when I'm active in addiction, I'm probably a liar, right? But when it comes to that moment that the book talks about, when we are like remorseful, and we're making a firm resolution never to drink again, that is one time I believe, for me and other alcoholics, we are not lying.
If you hooked us up to a lie detector test, in that moment, I would actually pass, because when I told that judge, I swear to you, I'm never doing this again, I meant it. Fast forward, this was November, and I get out in December, I was in Denver working at this company, there's a Christmas party, I'm restless, irritable, discontent when I'm sober, but I don't know that's what's happening to me, and I'm like, you know what, I really need a drink, I said this out loud to a girl I work with, I said, I need a drink, and they haven't called me for a UA.
It's like right around Christmas. I guarantee you they're gonna call me tomorrow, but I need a drink, because see, I have this spiritual malady that is gonna demand to be treated, one way or the other, right? I don't know that's what's happening. So it's demanding that I drink whether I want to or not. Again, I don't know that's what's happening. I am at least cognizant enough to know that I said, I don't need to drink, I'm probably getting a UA.
I still went and I drank, effortlessly, right? The next day, they called me for a UA, like I figured they would, and I was facing a year in jail. Like a good alcoholic, I got in my car, drove to Atlanta, I had to get a tag, I got out of going to jail. My point of telling that story is, when my sponsor was like, let's look at the truth of when you actually made a decision to stop drinking and you couldn't do it.
The fact that that story, I really believed that I made a decision to stop drinking and it changed my mind. What sane person would have changed their mind to drink with all of that on the line? And when I sat with that, it was the first time that I was like, oh my God, I'm in trouble. The cycle that the book talks about, that we're gonna do this over and over and over, we're gonna make a decision to stop drinking, a firm resolution, we're gonna get restless, irritable, discontent, our spiritual malady's gonna demand to be treated, we're gonna drink again, we're gonna drink more than we want to.
It's the cycle that I was in for so many years and I didn't even know it. That scared me enough to be like, I have got to do this work. I am literally beyond human aid. And so I'm really, really grateful for my experience in step one. And the truth is too, when I got sober, I checked into a sober living and I think that was important because I needed to do something kind of drastic and inconvenient for myself.
And I think that decision propelled me into getting sober because I never wanted to be 44, living in a house with a bunch of teenagers. I was just a hot mess. And I was like, please, Lord, I don't ever wanna do this again. But even in that experience, before I found my sponsorship lineage out of Texas, I hadn't heard Chris R's message yet. And even being in the sober living, driving to Charleston in COVID, I remember remembering that, I remember feeling like I'm gonna drink again if something doesn't change.
And when I put on a speaker tape, I didn't know Chris R from any, I'd never even heard of him. I just put on a tape and his was on step one. And that talk that he gave was like he was talking to me because he explained step one in a way before I was able to actually do the work that really, I was like, oh my God, if that's true, I'm really in trouble and I gotta get in touch with somebody. And when I got in touch with him, it changed the trajectory of my life.
And I'm forever grateful to that man for that. And he's one of the best examples in AA I've ever seen. But getting in touch with him, got me in touch with my sponsorship lineage, who was the one who took me through the steps to see the truth of myself that I'm explaining right now. Again, super grateful for that. So I got real clear on step one. I got clear on the spiritual malady. I got clear on the physical allergy.
I got clear on the mental obsession or what I like to call the lack of choice in whether I'm gonna drink or not. And when I got really clear on that, I knew, all right, I don't have any decision except to do these steps like my life depended on. And so I did that, right? And so then my sponsorship lineage, I did the steps really quick. I'm grateful for that because let me tell you, I'm the type of person, my ego rebuilds really quickly.
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Like I can be like, I'm gonna die. And then in 10 minutes, I'm like, you know what? I'm overreacting, this is fine. And so my experience with doing the steps quickly was great because it kept me away from me and removed enough for myself that I could get to that solution. And so when I came into AA, I've been on my own pretty young. So I've had a false illusion of power most of my life, right? I'm an atheist at this point, right?
A lot of the things that happened to me when I was in AA the first time is I saw a thought on the wall. And I'm like, y'all have fun with that because I don't want anything to do with that. I was disowned based off religion. So you could not… When I got to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, there was nothing you could say to convince me that there was a God. And through my experience in the steps, there is nothing that you can say to me now to prove to me that there is not.
But when I got here, I was an atheist, okay? And I didn't want anything to do with God. I thought people were weak, just like we agnostics talks about. I physically viewed you differently. If you told me that you were religious, I would be like, oh, Ramona's pretty. And then she would say God and I'd be like, and nevermind. I would have a visceral reaction. Like when I tell you, I had a visceral reaction.
I probably had a demon inside of me. I may still, but whatever. We can deal with that later. But I hated religion. And so AA was gonna be hard for me, right? But my sponsor, we get to step two. And step two is admitted that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. Well, I could do step two pretty easy because I did such a good first step with my sponsor and I realized I was insane. So as long as I realized in step one, I'm insane when it comes to drinking, right?
I'm gonna reach for a power because I need a power, right? Step one has taught me that I'm beyond human aid. And so step two was pretty easy for me because I'm like, well, I'm clearly insane with alcohol and I have to have a power. My sponsor being the good sponsor she is was like, hey, Rebecca, I know that you have an aversion to religion and to God and to any power greater than yourself. But at this point, the power only needs to be two inches more powerful than you only, just two inches more powerful than you.
Can you do that? And I'm like, yes, I can do that. And she also was like, it just needs to be two inches more powerful than alcohol. Like that's all we need your power to be at this point. And I'm like, okay, good, because I can sign up for that. So step two, I could say that I was willing to believe in something two inches more powerful than me, as long as it wasn't God. So then I get to step three.
And step three, I mean, I've seen that on the walls forever. And to me, that sounded like a very religious step when I'm an atheist. Like, what do you mean turn my will and my life over to the care of God? Like, that sounds religious to me. Again, let me say, I have no problem with religion now. Speaking to how I was then. And the way I pictured step three for me was that I was gonna have to become some sort of religious person who never did anything wrong.
I was gonna wear a muumuu. I was gonna stand on the street corner and pass out Jesus pamphlets to everybody. Like that's what I thought step three was. And if you guys do that, I am not judging you. More power to you, I think that's great. It's just not what I had pictured for my life when I got to AA or what I was willing to do at that point. And again, through good sponsorship, she's like, Rebecca, the book says it clearly.
That's the first requirement of step three is that I get clear that any life run on self-will is not successful. That's the first requirement of step three. It doesn't say anything about God, faith or anything. It's saying, can I see that when I try to run my life on my own power, it's hardly a success. This was kind of hard for me when I first got here because I was pretty resourceful, right? Like I could build things right back up.
And so I really had to go through that third step because I got to AA knowing that I had a drinking problem. I didn't think I had a self-will problem. And then she's taken me through step three with the sage character, like, let's look how you operate. Like, and when we went through the description of the alcoholic, where it's saying all of the things that we do, she had me put my name in it. Like Rebecca is quite virtuous and kind and then I can, when trying to get her way.
And then on the other hand, she can be egotistical, rude and self-serving. Like when I put my name in those, in that context, I could see clearly how I am always trying to run the show.
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Like I am always trying to get my way. And listen, even at five and a half years sober, I can jump into self-reliance really quickly, really quickly, but thank God for AA and thank God for step 10, because I'm able to quickly see, am I being driven by self? Am I trying to get my way? And I battled with that, right? I'm human, I'm not perfect, it's progress. But because of this program, I'm able to identify that.
When I am leading a life being driven by a power greater than myself, which today I choose to say is God, things are much better than they are when I'm on my own. And that is just a fact. And so step three at this point was less about faith and more about self-doubt. Could I see that self-reliance had failed me? And the answer was yes. And so my sponsor was like, Rebecca, if you can see clearly that self-reliance has failed you, you have done a powerful step three.
That's all we have to do at this point. And then I got on my knees and I did a third step prayer. And I did change the words from D to U. And that was fine, it said in the book, I can say it how I wanna say it. But the intention was there and I was willing at that point. Step four, I love step four. You know, I still do inventory almost daily because kind of the 10th step for me is an inventory. But step four, what time, am I done at six?
I just wanna make sure I don't talk too, okay. So step four, super powerful. So I'm making a list, I'm doing an inventory, right? And I'm doing a four column inventory. The first column is who am I resentful at? The first 10 to 12 people through my entire life that I've been super angry at, right? That's kind of easy because I, you know, as an alcoholic, I stay mad at people. And even as a recovered alcoholic, I can stay mad at people.
So I do a lot of 10 steps. But anyway, so I'm making a list 10 to 12 people because I'm gonna see a pattern. I don't need to write 300 to 8,000 people, which really are the amount of people I have been resentful to. I just need 10 to 12 so I can see a pattern. So I'm listing these people, places, or things. And then my second column is why do I have this inventory? Well, this is easy. I have all the reasons that I'm mad at you in my head ready to go, right?
Ready to use as a weapon. This is my favorite part of the inventory. I'm like, I will absolutely spend all the time in the world in this column. But my sponsor is a good sponsor so we didn't stay there long. We're just looking at why do I have this resentment, right? And I'm gonna use an example of my mom, okay? Because she was probably my biggest resentment. And my mom was my resentment because she disowned me at 14.
There was a lot of abuse in my past and because of that, men and women sexually, I thought I was a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with being a lesbian, okay? But that was my truth from 14 to 40. And I didn't know I was doing that because I had more control over women. But it's important when I get to this inventory. So because of me choosing to be a lesbian, which I didn't think I was choosing, my family disowned me based off God.
So you can see why I was an atheist. And it was done in a very mean, emotionally abusive way. And these are just the facts, okay? And so I had a lot to write down in this column, okay? So then I get to this third column. And my sponsor, you know, the book says, did it affect our self-esteem, our pocketbook, our sex relations, personal relations, pride, ambition? And it kind of stops there. And so when I've done the inventory before, I would just like write them all down because I don't want to get it wrong.
I don't want to do it again. So if I write them all down, maybe I'll be right. But my sponsor was like, no, we're gonna break this down because all of your problems, Rebecca, come from this third column. Because what happens is when we do this third column, your ego, its only job is to protect the beliefs that you have in this third column, okay? And I'm like, okay. I don't really understand what she means.
So this resentment with my mom, okay? How did that affect my self-esteem? What does that mean? That means how I value myself. So how did this resentment that I've had with my mom affect my self-esteem? Well, what beliefs have I got? I'm unlovable, I'm disposable, I'm not worthy. These are several that I got from what happened. And so now I'm into the world, right? With these beliefs that I'm unlovable, I'm unworthy.
And now I'm harming people with these beliefs, right? People are trying to love me and I'm not letting them love me. I'm showing up as an unlovable person. So I have to get clear of this, right? And how do I do that? Well, the book says, like,
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Step. So, when I got clear in this third column, another example of the third column for me with my mom was pride. So with that resentment that I held with her for years, because we couldn't even talk on the phone without me screaming and hanging up the phone on her, was my pride, right? So the belief I got out of that was, you will not disrespect me. So once I was disowned by my family and it was me against the world, I became a hard ass, hence nine times in jail for assault, like I'm sure you can follow along with that.
So this you will not disrespect me, my ego is attached to this, and it still is, it's one of my hardest character defects, but it's good to know because now I'm seeing how I operate in this third column, right? Very important for me to know how I operate. Okay, so we got clear on that, we've got the clarity, let's get to the fourth step, okay? This is where I really got freedom, because in my opinion, victims don't get or say sober.
I'm not saying that I can't be victimized, because I have been and a lot of us have, but that doesn't mean I have to be a victim, right? And I was a victim to my story forever, for my entire life, it's why I couldn't get sober. And so the book asked me to look at this from an entirely different angle, am I willing to do that? And my sponsor, thank God for her, because she was super gentle with this, and she took me down a journey, like if your mom was perfect, and none of this stuff happened to you, where are you at fault?
Where have you shown up and harmed your mom? Where have you been selfish? And so now I'm writing down on this paper, like, even as a kid how selfish I was, I didn't do my chores, I would skip school, I was disrespectful. I was one of the most mouthy, disrespectful kids ever, I made her cry all the time. And then when I started drinking, I didn't care if they thought I was going to kill myself and they couldn't get in touch with me, I just didn't answer the phone, right?
Because I'm punishing them for what they did to me. And then when I really started to look at these resentments, right, and my beliefs, it's like, oh, they didn't protect me. And it's like, is that true? Did they really not protect me? Is it possible that they did the best they could, and that what they did to protect you was all they knew to do? And you have an idea of what that should have looked like.
And so she walked me down a journey to see this resentment with my mom in an entirely different light. And the amount of freedom, you guys, that I got from that, it has repaired my relationship with my mom to a level that she is my best friend, and she now travels on all of my adventures with me. I love this woman more than anything in the entire world, and I forgive her with every single part of my being.
Did she make mistakes? Yes. Did this process through going through Alcoholics Anonymous change her soul and heart just by me doing the right thing? Yeah, it's the way that this program works. It's the way that God works. We were able to repair our relationship, and I do not hold any resentment towards her for the things that happened, and I'm so grateful for that. And so I was able to do that with each of these amends.
I was able to do it with every person that sexually abused me. I was able to do it with every single situation. And there's so much freedom in that because I no longer have to remain a victim to things that happen to me. And I'm not saying that there's always a fault, right, in a resentment. If I really dig deep with some of the abuse as a child, I didn't ask for that, right? How could that be my fault?
But I can see in the future how that's my fault. I can see how I didn't get myself help as an adult, and I can see how I allowed the hurt I carried to hurt other people, and I justified it. I see how I drank and kept drinking because I felt like a victim, and in that, I hurt people when I was drunk. So there was lots of fault I could see in my reaction to some of the things that happened to me. And again, let me tell you, if you ever want freedom, spend time in that fourth call.
My experience has been, when I got clear on that, my life changed forever because I can use those tools now, today, when people harm me. Yeah, so that four and five were super powerful for me. I'm trying to make sure that's all I wanted to say about the fifth step. Yeah, it was just, I'm so grateful for my experience with the fifth step. It truly freed me of everything. Six and seven, so I'm getting clear on the defects, like what are my defects in step five?
And now I'm going to take them to God, right? Because lack of power is my dilemma. Drinking is not my problem. There's a reason alcohol is only in one step. Alcohol is a solution to a spiritual malady, right? That malady is going to demand to be treated, as I said before. The only two things that I found that treat it are alcohol or a spiritual experience through
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the 12 steps. Those are the only two things that have ever treated it for me. I've tried everything too. So yeah, so six and seven, I'm going to give God these defects, right? Because lack of power is my dilemma. The best example, and I always use this story because it is the funniest example. I still haven't found one better yet through my story. But the best example of six and seven I can give you guys in my story was I was in anger management.
I know that's shocking given my jail stints, but I was in anger management for a long, long time because I really wanted to not be angry. I really did not want to treat people as bad as I treated them. So I wanted to be different. This is pre AA. So remember that I'm paying thousands of dollars to this therapist, right? I'm just like, lady, you got to help me. I'm out of control. And at that time, I had a ring and it had three stones on it.
And she was like, Rebecca, it's simple. All you have to do is when you get angry, I want you to just look down at that ring. And this is how she talked. Just look down at that ring and ask yourself, am I reacting out of my child, my adolescent or my adult? And as she's saying that, I'm like, I don't have the ability to pause to look at the ring. Like, I don't think I think you're missing the point.
Right. Like, I don't I don't have the ability. If I had the ability to look at the ring, I wouldn't be paying you thousands of dollars. But I'm like going with it at this point. And I'm like, OK, maybe I could try that. Well, that very therapy appointment, OK, she's in a glass building in Atlanta. And I leave the therapy appointment with these new tools that I'm going to use. I'm going to look at this ring and I'm going to ask myself the three questions.
I'm like, OK, we got this maybe. And I go down. There's a concession stand in the building and I got a hot dog, ketchup and mustard walking to my car. All of a sudden, this lady hits my car with her door. OK, remember, you will not disrespect me is my third column. My ego is going to protect that because I'm not an AA and I don't even know this is what's happening, but this is what's happening. She hits my car.
I'm like, excuse me, ma'am, you just hit my car. And she's like, learn how to F in park. And I'm like, ah, so I'm loud, which I don't know if you can tell that on a zoom, but I'm super loud. I'm also only five feet tall, which makes this even funnier and the jail funnier. But anyway, I'm loud. So I'm like, we're yelling. The therapist is looking out of the window, the glass window down at me. At this point, the lady is walking off and I'm like, OK, you will not disrespect me.
I can't let this lady walk off, right? Because my ego will not allow it. So as she's walking off, I take the hot dog and I just chuck it at her and I hit her right in the face. I nailed her. And at that point, I look up at my therapist and I'm like, I don't know. I think we need a refund because this just is not working. OK, I never understood why I could never make progress in anger management until I got an AA because it's not just alcohol that I'm powerless over.
It's my conduct that I'm powerless over. OK, that's why anger management never worked for me, because I don't have the power to be different. Not then and not now. So a story I'll tell you real quick, I'll tell it fast because I want to get to the other good parts. Fast forward, I'm in Denver, a lady, I cut her off. I did cut her off. She was mad. My neighbors are out. She's cussing me out. Right. I'm the type of person that I will get out of the car and fight you, even if I'm afraid, like I may be shaking on the inside, but I'll get out and we'll fight.
That's just how I operate. And so she's yelling at me. She's cussing me out. My neighbors are out. And I remember thinking in that moment, I don't have the power to handle this. And I opened up the console just so I could have a second to breathe. And I said, God, please help me. And I turned to her and I said, you know what, I'm sorry, I did. You're right. And this lady kept cussing me out. So even if I had the power to do that, I would have gotten out and been like, I told you I was sorry.
And then we would have started fighting. But I didn't. I said, you're right. I did. And I apologize. And she kept yelling and she went down the road. In that moment, I would love to tell you I was the spiritual giant and I was like, look how well I handled that. But that's not how it works for me, because my recovery looks like a whole lot of ego and a whole lot of God and they battle it out a lot.
Right. And so what happened in that moment was my ego was like, you just lost. You look weak. And now all of your neighbors saw it. Right. So I'm like, oh, my God, that's right. I should chase her. I should chase her down. And I'm like, no, the next thought, which is always the God thought, my higher self,
[00:40:02]
my God consciousness was like, it's like the book said, the victor only seem to win. Because the truth is, I did win in that moment. My ego just wants to think that I lost. Right. But I did not lose. But I struggle. I do. Even at five and a half years sober, my ego is still alive and well, and I see it so many times just want to keep me from not doing the right thing. So that's my best example of six and seven, eight and nine.
Super powerful for me. Thank God for my step one experience, because let me tell you guys that I did a lot of harm in my life in all areas, financial work, personal. One of the most powerful stories I'll tell you is in my night step. So make a list of all persons we have harmed. How many is all? Well, how free do I want to be? Right. My sponsor didn't tell me how many I should write down. She's like, how free do you want to be?
That's how many you should write down. And I still add to my amends list even now. I tried to do all of my amends. I go on amends tours around the country because that's how many people I've hurt. And I do it face to face. One of the most powerful, you know, I usually tell a financial part of this, but I think I want to tell a different part on this story that was super powerful. So one of the questions that I was taught to ask when I'm making amends is not only is there anything that I've done to harm you that I don't know about?
It's not even that. It's I think that I know how these harms that I've done, how they've affected you. But what I would really like and what would really, really help me in my recovery is to hear from you how I have affected you, because I'm going to tell you something. We think we know how we affect someone because the truth is I was an abusive person. I'm just going to call it. I was a physically abusive person to the women that I dated.
I physically harmed them. And even in that, after doing all the steps and all the work, I'm going to be honest, when I walked into that amends, because the women that I dated were a little more masculine than me, anybody's taller than me. So I'm kind of like, yeah, I beat them up. How hard could it be? I'm five feet tall. Like, come on. Like, you got hit by a girl. Like, it's not. I mean, it's bad.
You shouldn't lay your hands on somebody. But this is how I felt going into the amends. I was clear that you should not put your hands on somebody, but I really didn't understand the magnitude of it. I still was kind of like, yeah, but still I'm five feet tall. So I sat her down and I said to her face to face in Asheville, North Carolina, she goes, I asked her that question. She goes, Rebecca, you remember that time that you beat me up outside of the bar in Atlanta?
And I'm kind of like, yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn't have done that, but I still have that idea in my head, right, that it was bad and wrong, but not really connecting to it. She goes, well, I had to call my friends to come get me that night. And when they came to get me, there were six of my friends with them and they did an intervention on me right there. And they said, if you don't get away from Rebecca, we are no longer going to be able to support you as friends because she is going to kill you one day.
And let me tell you something. You talk about a gut level sucker punch because that's the truth, right? It's not that I'm only five feet tall and I barely hit you. The truth is of who I am is that these people are afraid for their friend's life that I'm actually going to kill her. And I have to hear these things from people so that I am clear on who I am from them about how I harm them. And I'm going to tell you as painful as that question has been for me, it has been the best question I've ever asked because I have a clear understanding of how I have harmed people.
And that also keeps me in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Not that it'll keep me sober, but it keeps me wanting to do these steps so that I don't harm people. I don't get that luxury. Not that it was a luxury, but I'm out of harming people like I'm done. So it was super powerful and in that moment, you know, it was one of the only moments I ever thought about drinking the whole time I've been sober because I felt like such a POS.
I won't say a cuss word. I did. I was like, this is who you are. But the truth is that is not who I, yes, it is who I am without this program. And I could easily go back to that same person if I started drinking today. But this is part of my alcoholism. This is, I don't have the power to do the right thing. If the wrong thing gets me what I want, and I am these things without God. But it does not mean that I am a POS, OK?
And I need to get clear on that, too. So that was my experience. Ten, step ten, super powerful, right? A lot of people get ten and eleven confused.
[00:45:01]
I always find that so interesting. But ten is, I suppose, it's kind of like a mini inventory. I'm looking for four things, and when those, like, fear, resentment, anger, why am I missing self-pity? I was about to forget the fourth. I'm looking for these four things, and when, the book says when they crop up, not if. So, when, so it's telling me they are going to crop up. When they crop up, I'm supposed to do four things.
So, I do a lot of ten steps, you guys. I do a lot. I've probably done, literally, today, I think I've done three with my sponsor on the phone. Because, I don't know, maybe I'm sicker than others. But I do a lot of ten steps. So, I'm grateful to, a lot of people ask, hey, can you do a ten step with me? They're like, do a what? They don't even know what I'm talking about. And I'm really careful who I do a ten step with.
Because I don't want someone that I call to go, hey, I'm pissed off at my coworkers because they're not doing what I say. Because they're stupid, and they don't know how to run a business. And if they would listen to me, they'd have a better business. I don't need someone to be like, oh, yeah, man, that sounds really bad. That sounds like they should, like, shape up. That's not helping me. Right? Because if I am going to God to pray, at that point, I'm just going to pray for this person to be less of an idiot.
Right? When I go to my sponsor, and I'm, like, ranting, as I will, because I'm going to show up authentically. And she's going to go, oh, okay, Rebecca, that's cute. You're doing it again. Right? You're expecting other people to be different from who they are and who they've shown you to be. And you're trying to get them to do what you want them to do. And you're trying to do a role that you're not even necessarily hired for.
How about you just stay in the lane that you're in, and instead of going to God to pray for them to be less of an idiot, which is what I would do, right, if I wasn't doing a solid 10th step with a good sponsor, how about you go to God and have God help you accept people exactly as they are and have that be okay with you? Because people do that for you. Right? And so then I can show up in these moments where I start to get irritated and be like, oh, yeah, I'm doing it again.
So it really does keep me in my lane. It keeps me on the beam and it keeps me in the book. Because to me, 10, 11 and 12 are the maintenance steps. And if I am out of these, I'm an insane person. I promise. If you ever see me on TikTok, like losing my temper, it's going to be it's going to be on there. It's going to be viral. You're going to be like, yep, she's out of the maintenance steps because that's how I will act if I'm not in 10, 11 and 12.
So 11, you know, prayer and meditation. Again, I struggled with this in the beginning because I'm not you know, I have ADD if you can't tell. So getting quiet is really hard for me. Right. So I'm like not this Zen Buddha person. She's not who I am. And in 1936, I think when they wrote meditation, they meant more like pre meditation. And so what I do in the 11th step is it says on awakening. Right. I'm going to consider the plans for my day.
Well, the way I do that is I write out exactly what I have to do that day. And then in that day where we're asking God, please remove us from selfishness, self-pity, dishonesty. What I'm going to do is take it a step further and I'm going to write out everything I have to do. And in that, where am I going to be? Any of these three things. So at work, I have to work. Right. OK. So when I go to work, where am I going to be selfish?
Well, I'm going to want to be on Facebook or TikTok if I'm actually working for a company that's paying me. And I'm going to be dishonest because I'm stealing money, essentially, because I'm not doing my job. I'm probably going to want to take some of their face cream because I feel entitled to it. Right. Because I work and I make them a lot of money. So, I mean, what's one little face cream going to matter?
So I'm probably going to try to commit theft and take some face cream. Right. So I if I'm really honest with myself, I'm going to know I know how I operate. Right. So I'm going to write these things down and then I'm going to follow that up with what would God have me do? God would have me show up and when I'm getting paid for something, do the work. God would have me not take the face cream and go and say, hey, do you mind if I get some face cream?
And how much would that cost? And usually they give it to me free. You know, so I'm going to premeditate my day because the reason I do that is so when things are thrown at me, because life gets thrown at you, I'm a little more spiritually grounded to handle those things. And that is what 11 does for me. And then at night I'm going to just do a recap. What did I miss? Like, what did I miss in my day? Where was I dishonest and I didn't see it?
Where was I resentful and I didn't see it? Was I kind and loving to all? And then after I really write all that down, I sit with, all right, God, what corrective measures need to be taken? And God has never spoken to me usually in the moment, but I always hear it. I either hear it through other people. I hear it through my sponsor. I hear it in that internal being.
[00:50:00]
And then sponsorship. I remember when people would be like, oh, yeah, I sponsor people. I'd be like, how much do you get paid for that? And they're like, well, I don't get paid anything. And I'm like, what do you mean you don't get paid anything? Like, why are you doing it? Like I was the most selfish person ever when I got here. And it's part of it's the root of our problem as alcoholics. Right. We don't have the corner market on it, but we're pretty selfish when we're not well.
So I was like, if I'm not getting paid to sponsor, why would I ever want to sponsor? And now it truly is one of the most important things in my recovery because my sponsees save my life on a daily basis. And it's not because, you know, I'm talking about my problems when I'm dealing with a sponsee and they get sorted out. But even if I have a ton of problems, if I have a sponsee on the books, I know everything's going to be OK, because even though I don't get on the call with a sponsee and talk about my issues, I mean, I will tell my sponsees what I'm going through so they can see that their sponsor struggles.
But I also show them what solution of that is. Right. But I'm not going to dump my problems on them. But what happens for me when I show up for another alcoholic and try to take them down this journey is somehow my perception of my problems change. It's not that my problems have gone away, but it's the way they're just not as big of a deal anymore. And working with sponsees really keeps me on the beam because one thing I really do my best to not be in a is a hypocrite.
So if I'm asking my sponsees to do something, I damn better be doing it myself. And so if I am going to rest some of the laurels, my laurels, which the book already warns me I will. If I'm resting on my laurels and I don't have any sponsees, it's going to be a lot harder to course correct for me than if I'm working with a sponsee. So sponsee working with sponsees, it just keeps me on the beam. And honestly, I truly believe that, you know, God pulled me out of the fire so that I could go back in and help drag others out.
That's how I feel about sponsorship. And for that, I am responsible. So thank you for letting me share. Thanks, sweetheart. I was great and I was laughing. All right. Let me pull this up. I just got so enthralled I forgot to pull up the. The script here. I know what it's supposed to say, but, you know, I'm not going to say it unless I can get it, not get it to come up. Well, that's oh, there it is. OK.
OK. All right. Thank you so much, everybody, for joining us tonight. We hope that you'll come back next week where because you never know what you're going to get. You'll just have to keep coming back. And next week we have another one of our area one delegates, Craig W. from Montgomery. And he's going to be here to share his experience, strength and hope. And I've heard him speak on the traditions and the concepts. And so I'm just looking forward to hearing him just speak.
And I may not be here next week because I'm driving to Kingsport, Tennessee, but I'm trying to going to try to get there before the meeting starts. So if you like this meeting, please do as Bill Wilson always said, pass it on. You can help others right from your phone or your computer to tell them about this special meeting. And everybody is welcome to hang out on the back porch with us after the meeting.
It's officially the meeting after the meeting, but it's the back porch. And Rebecca, do you have any closing comments or do you and do you have. Would you take us out with a prayer of your choice? You're muted, sweetie. Might help you know the only closing comment I would say if there's any newcomers that are on this call, there is hope you don't ever have to drink again. You can get in touch with any of us and we would be happy to take you through the book to find out your truth.
And I'd be glad to give you my number as well. And then I guess I would take us out with the Lord's Prayer. God. Our father. I just messed up. Sorry. OK. All right. Our father. How it be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
[00:55:02]
Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen. All right. I want to do it. Keep coming back because it works if you work it well. Thanks, Rebecca. Great job. Thank you. Thank you, Rebecca. Yes.