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Source: Bigg J – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-08-21.m4a File: bigg-j-box-of-chocolates-2025-08-21.mp3 Duration: 00:48:05
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Words. Thank you for the kind words. Let me get that on there. Seven years ago, a little over seven years ago, nobody was saying anything kind about me. I have a sober anniversary coming up on Monday, and I'll be seven years sober, and I'm going to tell you a little bit about that here in a little bit. My name is Big. I have a sobriety day, 8-25-2018. I have a home group, vast amount of fun. I got it written there. It's out by Garnerville, or no, it is in Garnerville.
It's out by Lake Tahoe, Reno, Carson City area. If you guys are ever in that area, please look us up. We're going to study the Big Book tonight, Thursday night. We're going to talk about the tradition on the last Thursday of the month, and we're going to have a good time doing it. It's a vast amount of fun, but it hasn't always been. Like I said, seven years ago, I was laying right on the other side of this wall that's blurred behind me, dying one miserable day at a time. That's after being an alcoholic synonymous for a bit, okay? I got you the sobriety day, and I do, I am, I am sponsored.
That guy lives in Bellingham, Washington. I am service sponsored. She lives in Bend, Oregon, so you're correct. That is my service sponsor, and I'm still service sponsored by her. She taught me a lot, so that's my little spiel done. It's supposed to impress you, but it certainly impresses me, because seven years ago, I couldn't even tie my shoe without being winded, and I certainly couldn't get into that door without taking a break. I was in a bad way. I was about 50 pounds heavier than I am right now, and I had a lot of people telling me I was going to die soon, okay? That's after being an alcoholic synonymous for eight years, sober, going to diners, talking about ourselves, talking about our problems day in, day out.
Every once in a while, we'd have a highlight. We'd bring those same problems to the meetings in the cars. We'd talk about them. We'd go to the meetings. We'd analyze them. I knew all the problems that everybody in the meeting had. They knew mine, and I was sober for a period of time. I've never been sober in my life. I'm going to qualify. Ramona mentioned my name, Big, okay? It is my name, and it's on a birth certificate. My dad tried to put truck on a birth certificate, and the nurses refused to do it, so I ended up with Big with two G's. That's the story of how I got my name, and my last name is not important today, but it does start with J.
My mother happens to come from, I don't talk about her a lot, but I certainly talk about my dad a lot in AA means, but my mom was born in Mobile, Alabama and raised in Pensacola, Florida, and she died fairly young. She told me a few things about those people that raised her. All 10 of her brothers are sitting in penitentiaries or have passed through the penitentiaries down there for incest or some other things, so my mother was raised in a certain fashion that she didn't tell me a lot about.
That's who I was raised by, okay? Ramona's heard none of that before. I don't talk about that in AA means, okay, but that's where I come from. At the age of five, I was given alcohol for the very first time, and most likely some of you people were too, and possibly even earlier. My dad was an outlaw, and he continued to give me those. He's continued to give me alcohol, and at age five, I don't say this a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but this is where I do because Alcoholics Anonymous has a singleness of purpose. I stick to that. We can save lives when we do, but that's when he started giving me drugs too, and he continued to for a long period of time. I don't know when I became a daily drinker. It certainly wasn't at age five, but I was doing other substances daily for a long period of time, so I'll speed this up.
At the age of 12, I'd had other drinks like I just described, but I remember drinking with my peers for the first time and drinking with a female for the first time, and I remember blacking out at the county party here that we have once a year. It's called Carson Valley Days. You folks probably have something similar. It's just called something different. We all got together, or they all got together. I was 12, so I was just doing what they did or what I did that day.
I blacked out that day, and I'd like to describe that day as I puked and pissed and puked all over people's property that tried to take care of me. I was dying, 12 years old, drank too much, and I was going to die of alcohol. It was poison,
[00:05:05]
and these people took care of me, and that's the way I showed up in people's lives starting then, or that I acknowledged it through inventory done through the 12 steps. That's how I started showing up in people's lives then, and that's how I showed up in people's lives for a long period of time after that. The next morning, my dad woke me up. Oh, my dad. You remember I talked about my dad. Yeah, that's the guy that woke me up the next morning, and he was a little irritated because I had puked, pooped, and pissed all over his property, too, and his punishment for me that day was to go out. I live in a desert. We had four big dogs, and my job that day was to go out and pick up all the dog poop on a half-acre property in the middle of June, and it wasn't pleasant. It was my first real hangover, and I kind of remember that day, but I'd love to tell you I'd come trotting into Alcoholics Anonymous at the age of 12, and I hope some of us do, but I drank at the very next opportunity and several of them after that, and several of the opportunities after that looked just like that, just looked just like that, especially at a young age. I drank like John Wayne, okay? I drank Bill's share. I drank Francis's share. I drank Ramona's share, and I did those type of behavior a lot of times, you know, and I just ended up like that. At the age of 14, they came to me and told me my mom would be sick one more time. The next four years, I'd be her main caretaker. I did what caretakers do. I won't describe all that, but I did what caretakers do for my mom for four years, and at the end of that, she grabbed her head. You guys reminded me of my mom today. Sorry.
She grabbed her head, stood up on a toilet, and grabbed her head and told the person that was with her to tell my son I love him, and sat back down on that toilet and died. I was 18 years old at the time. I was raised by a guy. Well, I could back this up slightly. By the time I was eight, I knew—now remember, listen for the similarities, because this isn't going to be everybody's story. Listen for the similarities. By the time I was eight, I knew we were committing felonies in my house every day. The only person that wasn't was my sister. She had the same opportunities that I had, the same everything, the same substances given to me, the same amount of alcohol given to her, but at about age 10 or so, she went in her bedroom and stayed there until she was about 18 years old. When she was 18 years old, she came out of there and left.
I hope to bring her back up. I hope to bring her back up. My mom died. I just went on and did what I did, what you would think that a person like I raised, like I did, do. When I was about 24, somebody saw me in Reno knocking people over their heads for their property in the middle of the winter, because I needed it more than they did, apparently. Some people that I went to grade school with saw me and saw that I was living underneath bridges in the middle of the winter, and they brought me home. They brought me to put me on their couch. They put me on their couch, and I stayed a few days. Then, very shortly after that, they were like, hey, if you're going to drink like that, you can't stay here.
Really, all I heard was, if you're going to drink like that. I'm an alcoholic. I'm not a dummy. I was raised by some pretty smart people. I heard don't drink like that, so I didn't drink like that. I just drank differently. I got enough together. I'd like to say my stuff together, because you guys asked me not to cuss in this meeting. I got my stuff together, and what ended up happening is I ended up getting an apartment. Then, right about that time, that ex-wife that I had, because I had one by now, she came around with that kid that I had by now, and he was in the fifth grade. She was like, I can't do this. You're going to have to take the kid. I moved him out. I was living in Reno, Nevada at the time, and I moved him out to this little tiny town called Dayton, Nevada. I hope you guys all get an opportunity to come to Dayton, Nevada today. At one time, it was this little tiny town. It's not a little tiny town anymore. I moved him right across the street from the grade school, and I could watch him go to school. I was getting my stuff together. What happened at that point is I wanted to sign him up for some sports. Little tiny towns in the early 90s didn't have popcorner football, so I had to drive him into Carson City, Nevada. If you know anything about
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popcorner football, I'm sure it's the same. It's a five-day-a-week commitment. You drive him in, and it's three hours a day for five days a week for the first beginning of the season. At the time, I drove him in, and right off the bat, I detected that he was coached by one of the Dallas Cowboys at the time. Now, I'm a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, but I can get behind somebody from the Dallas Cowboys coaching my kid. Come on, guys. I don't care who, unless you just hate the Cowboys. I could have watched that, and I could have been a part of that experience. I did. I was like, hey, that's cool. Then, I went across the street, and what I did for the next popcorner season was fall in love with the blonde that was the bartender right there at the bar across the street. I could have had an opportunity to be my father, or my kid's son, or my kid's father, but I didn't take that opportunity. I'll speed this process up.
Tracy and myself, we fell in love for the next two years. We did a little dance, and we hauled that little kid all over the place. We did some crazy stuff, man. One of the things I always like to say, because it never really got better than this, and we stuck together for a while, is one night, we left that kid in a little tiny town with barely a 911 service, barely anything. He could have burnt the place down. He could have needed his dad. He was in the fifth grade at the time. He had a two-story building. What I did is I left him there, and I took that girl and me, and we drove into Reno, 60, 80 miles away, 60, 70 miles away, drank, drove, did our thing. At one point, we got in an argument, and she decided to jump out the side of the car in about 30 miles an hour. I never really changed the speed of this, okay? It's 30, guys, 30 miles an hour. She jumps out the side of the car, and if you've ever been to Reno, Nevada, well, at the time, it was fairly busy. There's large casinos that run the streets, and she just jumps out in front.
Well, I told you who I was raised by, and I know that there's cops on the way. I know they are, and I know I'm going to jail if I stay, so I see her plop, plop, plop down the road, boom, boom, boom, and my girl's tough, man. She stands up, too, and she brushes herself off, and I can see she's okay, but I know the police are on the way if I stay, and I know where I'm going if I stay, so I take off, and I leave her sitting right there on Reno Main Street on a Friday night by herself, and I don't go back, and that's how I showed up in her life, and that's the way I showed up in my son's life that way, too. I didn't know that then, but I've done some inventories, and that's the way I showed up in your life, too, if you gave me the opportunity, so I'll speed that up. Let's see, 420 slowed this down a little bit tonight, so at the end of that two-year period with Tracy, she ended up going to jail for domestic violence, and I went to AA voluntarily for the very first time in my life. It was 1999. It was in July, and I say voluntarily because I had been to AA in jail in my early 19, you know, 1920, early 20s, and my experience with AA in jail was these guys came in pretty tattooed up. They were way too tattooed up. They had drank way too much. They had done way too much, and I would never let myself do any of that. Thank you very much for the information. When I leave here, you'll never see me again, and I repeated that on a couple different occasions, okay, so 1999, I figure if I go to AA, and we get a little bit sober, Tracy and I could get together, and we could hold hands and sing kumbaya for the rest of our lives, and it would be a happy story for us. I've never spoken to her. I've spoken to her twice since then. That was 1999, and once was for my dad's funeral. Once when she was about seven years sober, she called me up, made some amends to me, told me she was sorry the way she showed up in my life, and if anything I could do, or if there was anything, anyway, she made some amends to me at seven years, and those are the two times so there I was in AA, 1999, right, trying to get her back, and I showed up to a meeting over here in an industrial way, smoke filled the air, and I walked in there, and there was a girl talking in the meetings, and she said something similar, very similar to what I did in the very beginning of this meeting. Look for the similarities. Look for the similarities, and what Look for the similarities. And what she began her talk with, she was sober.
[00:15:04]
I've never been sober a day of my life, even when I was locked up. I got mine. I'm gonna get mine. And she's talking about similarities. I've never been sober in my life. Some of the next words out of her mouth, she's from Canada. No similarities there. She starts talking about being a lesbian. Well, hey, I don't need to tell you too much about no similarities there. And at one point, she says that she feels alone in a room full of people and something about impending doom. And I heard that impending doom. And that's my whole life. That's been my whole life. And when I was like, what did she just say? And I listened to her the rest of the time. And I was like, she knows all about me. And she finished her deal.
And after that, there are some people that approached me. They approached me with a book, and they told me to come back. And they told me they'd be there. That was a noon meeting on a Friday. My calendar was fairly clean. I showed back up at six o'clock. There I was at six o'clock. Same guy was there, the guy that gave me the book. And what he had told me at 12 was to take it home and read it. I did that. I took it home. And there was some stuff that was in there. And I didn't, I don't remember at all. But I do remember full flight of reality. That I do remember that, that day, I do remember that. And I had walked past my dad drinking his beer, because that's where I was staying at the time. He was drinking his beer, smoking his pot. And I took that book to the back room. And I started reading it. And it was all about me. And I showed up at that six o'clock meeting that night. Kind of curious, man, what's this all about? What is this all about?
And Ron was there. And they told me all kinds of suggestions. Now, here's where I start. How many squares do I got? Let's see. Here's where I start losing people. Because I do have two sobriety days. And I have two experiences with Alcoholics Anonymous. The first one, let me tell you briefly about it. We got here. We talked about our problems, problems, problems, problems, problems. I just did what they did when I got there. Okay. That's what they were doing.
That's what I did. We just continued doing the same thing that they were doing when I got there. Problems, problems, problems. Everyone's a highlight. Okay. And I stayed sober for eight years. In the very beginning, they told me to get off. I knew what they were doing. They were saying, get a God. But they were, because it said it on the wall. And I was like, back away from me with your God. Because if you get your God, I'm going to get mine too. Or the shrapnel that you get.
He's punishing. He's just going to punish you. I'll be standing next to you. I'm going to get punished too. Just being in the same room. That's my conception of God when I got here. I was like, no, no, no. I ain't got nothing to do with it. But they did kind of tone it down a slight bit. They said something about a higher power. But almost some of the next words out of the mouth was, hey, keep coming back. And then this little girl walked out of the room.
That was going to be my first higher power. Okay. I don't like saying it too much, but I'm still married to that lady. That was my first higher power in Alcoholics Anonymous. She was coming. I kept coming back. I'm coming back. Kept coming back. Kept coming back. She was the reason I came. That was my higher power. I'm still married to her. Okay. Since evolved. Trust me. Trust me. My higher powers evolved since then. But, you know, there we were.
We were doing the AA meetings. You know, they said 90-90. I did 270 in my first 90. They say meetings make us maggot. I don't know. I'll finish this story and you tell me. Okay. You tell me. Okay. So we do the dances. We go to all the conventions. We do this, that, and the other. And I get sober. I come out of a duffel bag, buddy. A duffel bag. Now, it wasn't even a full one. And I end up with a three-bedroom house, cars, garage, houses, or grass, green, insurance on everything, shutters on this stuff. Everything, okay, that I thought I needed. And that came quick. And we went to AA for about eight years sober. Sober. There was a lot of slogans. I love bringing this one up. Sit on your hands. Sit on your hands if you feel like drinking. They told me that. They told me a lot of things. Call people late at night, mainly your sponsor. It's just all kinds of slogans, slogans, more slogans, more problems, more problems. Every once in a while, they bring up an allergy, maybe from time to time, like once every three years. So here's what happened. At the end of that, I had all this stuff. I got here in a duffel bag. You guys were
[00:20:02]
talking about your problems. I left. I didn't leave the drink. I want to repeat that. I started a family. I put a kid in the backpack. I started walking up these big mountains that are out here in Tahoe. We started doing life that AA had given us, okay? And we started living it and swimming in lakes and doing all kinds of camping and being with our kids and just loving it. But I judged you people. I don't need it, man. You guys are just sitting around talking about your problems. Live your life, I said. Well, I never said I worked the steps, guys. I said I went to meetings, meetings, meetings, meetings, and hung out with some fine, really fine, fine people, some amazing people with great intentions. A few years later, I'm in a party that I'd been in before. I like to bring this up. There's a guy in the big book. He puts milk in his whiskey.
He's been there before, okay? He's been in that bar before, and he's made successful sales calls. He's had some sandwiches. He's went home. He's done his job there, okay? But one day, suddenly, he puts milk in his whiskey. Well, I tell the story. One day, I'm at this party with some heavily tattooed people. They're having fun more than I've been. I've been to these parties before. I'm drinking my non-alcoholic beer, and all of a sudden, they're having more fun than I am.
I walk over there. I grab one. I'm drinking. Again, I never told you I worked the steps. I never, nobody sat down with this book. We never had a spiritual awakening. We've talked about ourselves. We went to AA meetings. We got sober. So, a couple years later, I find myself in the condition that I told you about in the beginning. Cirrhosis of the liver, kidney failure, heart doctor telling me I'm not going to live, and I'm in some bad ways. I'm praying to die, praying, but I remember what people had said in AA. Careful for what you pray for, and I stopped that prayer. Stopped that prayer, and I used to sit, when I first got sober this time, I used to sit. Something happened, but God happened. Higher power, the one that they talk about in AA meetings, that, that happened to me, not something happened. I ended up in AA again. I walked across the threshold of AA, that meeting that they talk about your problems all the time, those people, and guess what those people did? The very first one that was sitting right by the door, him, the very first one. Now, again, let me repeat. I could have puked, pissed, pooped all over you, and I was stinking. I was, I probably already peed myself that day, okay? Any given time, this guy comes up and hugs me, says he's got me. Where else does that happen, but in AA? It doesn't.
This is the only place it does. In Alcoholics Anonymous, that'll, that's the only place I've seen it, okay? He says he's got me, but he's scared the crap out of me, man. I'm not sitting next to you. I sat next, as far away from him as possible for the next, I don't know how long, and him and I became friends. Why? Because he had messages, a big book. Now, I'll go further on to that. So, I'm sitting in there. I'm dying in Alcoholics Anonymous. I got, what, 20 minutes?
Yeah, about 20 minutes left. I can do this. I'm sitting there, and I'm dying, and what happens to me, people, is same thing that happened to me before. So, everybody starts talking about the problems. In fact, I'm going to a meeting that, in Gardnerville, Nevada, most days I'm going in and talking. They're talking about a girl that's dying of cancer in Oregon daily. It's the main topic, okay? And I'm, like, dying of alcoholism. I'm going to die, and I, and about the same time, I plug in a CD, or however it was, or however I started listening. It could have been a cassette. Who knows? And it's this one-eyed guy down there in Texas. He's starting to talk about another whole, another AA about living life, and recovering, and just a life beyond my wildest dreams. I'm, like, man, that doesn't sound familiar at all. So, I continue to listen to this guy. He's a little abrasive, but hey, so am I. So, I just continue listening, and I'm, like, man, what's this guy talking about? Well, he's talking about this big book message, and I get a little of this. So, let me, let me, let's not get derailed here. So, that's one of the things that happened when I first got here. Then, the other thing that happens is, yeah, this guy approaches me, says he's going to be my sponsor. Let's see how many squares I got now.
He says he's going to be my sponsor, and I meet with him, and we do a couple things together,
[00:25:02]
and I write up an inventory, okay? And I call the guy. Now, I want to tell you, I'm about, yeah, 10 days sober, two weeks, maybe, not very, okay? And I got an inventory, and I'm dying. Again, same guy, got cirrhosis, got all that stuff going for me, and I call him, and I say, hey, I got the inventory written. I mean, he says, I don't have time for this. I got people coming into town. My parents are coming. My kids are coming. I don't have time for this. Click. Well, sometimes I say this, sometimes I don't, but I'm going to say it today. That gentleman ended up being a drug addict, hiding in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, saying he was an alcoholic, okay? He didn't have a Me Too moment.
He didn't know what I was going through, okay? And no alcoholic is going to say, I don't have time for this. He's an admitted drug addict. I go to meetings with him. Guy doesn't have an alcohol problem, but he calls himself an alcoholic, hiding in Alcoholics Anonymous. He has the potential to kill people. Sometimes I leave that part out. Today, I felt the need to say it. So, there I am, dying with a sponsor that doesn't know what's going on, okay? And I end up seeing this guy. I've heard him talking to meetings a couple of times. He seems really compassionate.
He's younger than me. He hasn't been sober that long. I think at the time, he had like 16 months sobriety, but his mom had just died. He hadn't even dropped a tear. He seems to be really well put together, and I follow him out of the meeting one night, and I tell him what's going on, just like I just told you guys. I had the inventory called. He says he didn't have time. I told him all that, and he got on the phone to his sponsor. He walked across the parking lot. He got on the phone to his sponsor, and he tells the guy just what we've just been talking about, and he says, the sponsor says to him, he goes, hey, this guy's got an inventory written out, and he goes, yeah, he's got an inventory written out. He goes, well, what are you on the phone with me for? Click.
Meaning, go help that guy out, okay? The guy's dying. Go do the inventory with him, and that's what he did with me. He invited me, the guy that's puking, pooping, pissing all over people's property, if given the opportunity, he invited me to his house across his threshold at his table. Where else does that happen in, okay? At the very first time, instead of just giving me this book and saying, hey, take this home and read it, he sets me down with it, and he starts talking about some stuff that I haven't even heard of in I don't know how many meetings or all the 230 tapes that I have.
I can't believe I just said 200 tapes I have, not mentioning anything about an allergy or an obsession. This guy is, and he's got the book out. He's got it open. He's got it open to the doctor's opinion. We start reading it, and he starts talking about that allergy. He's not talking about my problems, about how I had to wipe my mom, and oh, poor you, raised by that guy, outlaw, blah, blah, blah. He's not that guy. What he's doing is he's pointing out that I, not only that, he brings me to a couple different pages of the big book.
He talks about a guy named Fred. He talks about a guy named, what the hell is this guy named? Okay, well, I forgot his at the time. Oh, well, anyways, he's got the Jay Walker out there, and we got a couple guys in there in the big book. Why did I just miss his name, Fred? Okay, well, anyways, we won't waste much time about that. We got some people in the big book. He's talked about him, and at one point, he brings me to page 20, 21, and he's talking about can you leave it alone? Do you have a sufficient enough reason? And then the real alcoholic, and he asked me questions about all this, and we have a conversation about that, not about my problems, but about my drinking, and he asked me about it. Real alcohol. He brings me down to page, on page 21, about fairly normal and all other, except for alcohol.
And we had that conversation, and for the first time in Alcoholics Anonymous, I realized what an alcoholic is. It's somebody that puts it in their body. They have a craving. It sets off this craving, a physical craving. Some people saw it as an allergy, I'll call it an allergy today, an abnormal reaction. It's exactly what happens, and I said, hopefully, I'll bring up my sister, and I will now. I hardly ever do. Remember, I told you that, and she had the same opportunity. She didn't have the allergy. She didn't have the physical craving.
When she put it in her body, she was like, eh, meh. She could take it her In her body, she was like, eh, meh. She could take it or leave it. Did she have a couple issues with her drinking? Yes, she did.
[00:30:01]
And then she left it alone. I was like a rat in a laboratory, a rat in a laboratory. I just kept coming back for it. That's what I did. She left it alone, okay? So we have the conversation. Now we did the first step. I'm doing the, and if you've ever heard of people doing the steps to the big book, this guy's actually doing it with me. Not just, I'd never observed it. I've never seen it. 10 years, nobody's ever done it, okay?
But this guy is, he's doing it with me. He invites me back a couple more days later. He gives me some readings to do. We come back, we're talking about the second step now, okay? And remember, I told you, back away from me. Well, you know, by now I've got a little bit different conception of God. But this guy talks about himself a little bit that day. And at one point, you know, again, working the steps through the big book, he talks, we have a conversation some more, and he brings me to page 47 and the line that says, do you, do you now, or are you even willing to believe in a power greater than you?
Dude, this guy's sober. He's told me some weird stuff about him, and he's sober. I'm, of course, willing to believe, okay? And we have that conversation. And then off to the next step, okay? Again, we're having conversations in with you that I can't have with you, but it's pretty rapid. It's only a day or two. We're not months apart. Okay, we're going the steps rapidly. And we get to the third step.
And, you know, I like to point out that sometimes we hear one, two, three waltz. This is a good time to bring that up. Let's see, 440, 440, 15 more minutes. Okay, 440. So we'd like to bring up how many people have ever witnessed this. One, two, three waltz, one, two, three waltz, one, two, three waltz, or we'll hear people talk about how scary the fourth and the fifth step is. Oh man, that fifth step's a doozy, right?
I told you who I was raised, guys and guys. By the time I was like going to first, second grade, my parents were whispering in my ear, just not even whispering, hey, there's gonna be some people at your school that are gonna ask you specific questions. Here's what you're gonna say to them, lie. That's how I was raised. So by the time I get to these steps and I'm hearing in a meeting, scary, scary, scary, oh, this was scary for me.
These are the people that are already done it, okay? These are the people that are in there. They're telling me it's scary, and I'm like, I'm right behind you, dude. I'm not telling anybody nothing, okay? Yeah, that's my first shot through here. So this guy's got me down, and he's got me down on the ground. We're doing some prayers about the third step, and at the bottom of that page, well, let's just take a look at that on page 63.
It says, how many people have ever heard about this thing called the pink cloud and eh, eh, okay? Okay, well, on page 63, it says, after we've done this prayer and talked about it and thought about it well, and yeah. It says, this was only a beginning, though, if honestly and humbly made an effect, sometimes a very great one was felt at once. A great feeling felt at once after the third step. Kind of has a pink cloud feel to it, okay?
But what I've been told by even members that have been here for a long time, they say, oh, don't worry about it, Sonny. You'll need a parachute to come down from that. Hmm, huh. Well, let's read on. It says, next, we launched out on a course of vigorous action. The first step, which is a personal house cleaning. They're wanting me to do an inventory here, people, which many of us had never attempted, though our decision was vital.
They took our vitals in the hospital, so they must be fairly important and crucial step. Telling me it's crucial. I don't have time to look that up in a dictionary, but we know what crucial is, okay? It could have little permanent effect. Are you telling me I don't need a parachute? A little permanent effect, unless it followed by once, strenuous effect, they're telling me to do an inventory. I need a pencil and a piece of paper, not a parachute.
Okay, not a parachute. Okay, in the meetings before, I'm hearing this old guy's shout out, oh, liquor was but a symptom, with no real explanation what that means. This guy's got an explanation to it. Down the page, it says being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us. We considered it's common manifestation. So self pity, self, we could go on, you're self manipulating, I mean self, okay?
[00:35:01]
So self is what's destroying me, not vodka, not Budweiser, not any of that stuff. Self, okay? And he's got me open this book and I'm like, wow. And now, instead of this list of deeds I've done, that I've done in this other inventory, he's got clear cut instructions on how to do an inventory, and he tells me how to do that. Not just a bunch of crap that I've done. You guys could obviously, just by me saying already, my story already, you can tell I've probably been a jerk to people.
I don't need to write that down. There's a clear cut way to do this, okay? Resentments first, then we got some fears, and we go through them in a list type form, not in a book. And we don't face, and it's a fact facing, not a fear facing exercise. So I don't write down a bunch of fears. I write down some facts about myself, okay? And remember those people that were sitting in the meeting and telling me how scary this thing is?
Well, I don't have time to do the whole thing. But on page 75, it says something else, and those are the fifth step promises. That's after you've done it. So let's just see what it says about this, okay? It says we're gonna be delighted once we've completed the step, delighted. That doesn't sound too scary to me, delighted. So I don't wanna scare any people around, any new people or sick and suffering people, or somebody that walks into the meeting going, oh, I don't wanna do that.
No, delighted. Get to this thing as fast as you can get delighted, okay? Once we've taken it, we can look the world in the eye, know exactly what kind of carpet was in, probably in every room, what kind of shoes Bill wore or Ramona wore. But I had no idea they had glasses on, okay? No idea, because I wasn't looking the world in the eyes, just staring at the freaking floor all the time. We can be alone, perfect peace and ease.
What a perfect promise. You know, they say, read the promises. Here's some promises. We could be alone at perfect peace and ease. Are you kidding me? I've always needed you to be whole. Now I can just be alone at perfect peace and ease, okay? Right at the fifth step, fifth step. Our fears fall from us. Well, I mean, come on, really? Dude, what a program. Our fears fall from us? We begin to feel the nearness of a creator.
Not a doorknob, not a chair, not a creator. And I got, how many do I got here? 22. Everybody's been created. Not one of you can argue with me on that, okay? We've been created. We can feel the nearness of that. We may have had a certain spiritual belief. I told you about mine. Back away from me. Again, I have 22 squares. Maybe that's not everybody's spiritual belief. Probably had some others. We all had one.
But now we have a spiritual experience. And in the back of the book, it tells me I got to come up with a personality change sufficient enough to bring upon recovery from alcoholism. I've had that. That's in the spiritual experience. It's in the first paragraph. I've had that. I don't come through your windows anymore with a gun to get what I want from you. I've taken the steps to get what you have.
Fair trade, okay? And so then we move on to the sixth step. Where am I at with time? I got enough here. Here we go. Sixth step, it's fairly easy. I love to talk about the sixth step, but I have to talk about the third step first. Because on the third step, on top of 63, it says, if I do his work well and stick close to him, he'll provide what I need, okay? Including the willingness in step six. Including the willingness in step six.
It's a God thing. I don't sit in meetings and say, I need to work on my character defects. It's a God thing, okay? Including, if I do his work well, he'll provide what I need. Step seven, there's a prayer there. I do that prayer. Humbly ask you to remove my shortcomings. Good and bad, okay? Put me in a position where I can help somebody, okay? Right? And then step seven is completed. Why do I say that?
Because it says it in the book. Step seven is completed, okay? Step eight, okay? They told me before to burn that list, right? Because we had rode around in all these diners, wrote all these felonies down on a piece of paper, and I burned that list, okay? But this guy, no, not this guy. He's got that inventory written. Why does he have it written? Because the big book says, oh, I don't even have time to read it.
It says on the eighth step there, it says we have the list from the inventory, okay? And not, this guy does have it. And he didn't subtract anything. In fact, he added and slid it back across and helped me do these amends. And we went out there and did them. We were amazed before we were halfway through. I got about seven minutes and I got to wrap this up. Now, here's what happened. I was here before, right, people?
[00:40:00]
I was here, right? Okay, and I came out of the duffel bag and I was here for about eight and a half years. Something happened. Something happened, right? I was sober. Something happened. But there's three more steps to this program. And the 10th one says continue four times in one paragraph. Continue, continue, continue, continue. Continue to look for the selflessness, dishonesty. When these things crop up, what do I do, Ramona?
Do I get on the phone to my sponsor? No, we're going to go to God immediately and ask him for help with this. And we're going to talk to somebody, might be my sponsor. And we're going to, if we harm somebody, we're going to make amends for that. And then we're going to resolutely turn our attention to somebody else that we can help. Are you kidding me? I just got here and got sober, got out of that duffel bag.
I didn't know there was no continuing anything, man. I'm sober. There's a 10th step here. And there's clear, they talk about precise directions. Dude, look it up in the big book there when it's on page 84, I believe. Clear as a day. There's no guesswork there. It's written down for me to be like, all right, what are the 10th step, right? This thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory.
And oh, it also says we've entered the world of the spirit. Are you kidding me? How did that happen? Well, I had to do the first nine steps first, okay? So you enter the world of the spirit is an amazing deal. So what, we got five minutes left here. We got the prayer and meditation step next, right? And that was part of the, you know, of course I prayed when I got here the first time. Of course I did.
But around year six, I was praying and I was hearing something inside me. I've since found out what that is and I'll tell you what that is in a second. But I heard, I'd pray and I'd boom, boom, boom, action, you need to do this. And I didn't want to do that. Action, action, I'd pray, action, action, you need to do that. I didn't want to do that. So I just stopped praying year six, okay? I was here eight and a half years, okay?
So I just stopped praying. Well, if you read page 55, it'll tell you exactly what's inside me and it's inside of each and every one of us, okay? I'll leave that up to you to go read that page. 55, it's an amazing page. So this prayer and meditation, I'm praying and I'm meditating. And when I first got sober, my wife was already sober again. She had relapsed with me and she got sober first this time.
And she was doing a lot of meditation. And if anybody ever wants to come out here, I am so down with going to the lake and sitting on a mat. Any type of meditation you want to do, okay? But that's not what the big book's talking about. It's talking about thoughtful contemplation. We do an inventory at night, you know, how we did everybody in the day. And then in the morning, you know, how we're going to go out and set it.
And so when I was going to meetings and I still hear this, Sonny, your first thought's always wrong. Your first thought's always wrong. They'll take that think, think, think sign. They'll hang it upside down or they'll steal it. You know, don't think. Well, you know, the 11th step says upon awakening, my first thought is, you know, I don't want to read it right here, but my first thought is to ask God for direction of thought and action.
How is that my first thought is wrong? It can't be, okay? It just can't be. So then there I'm supposed to sit in thoughtful contemplation on how I'm going to show up in your life. You know, and again, I'm all about sitting on it. I love to meditate in any other fashion you want. Okay, I can sit there as long as you want, quiet down, all this stuff. But the 11th step in the big book is plan out your day with God's help.
And it tells you, you know, in the 11th step, throughout the day, ask for his will to be done. Ask for his will to be done. Constantly asking for his will to be done. One more step, four more minutes, and we got the 12th step. Well, you know, again, I was here before and I'd never had anybody come up and ask me for crap, except for maybe a ride or a smoke, okay? But certainly not to help them with this program, okay?
In eight and a half years. Well, what happened this time, okay? This guy got me through the steps and by the time I was four months sober on my ninth step, being amazed before I was halfway through, somebody walked up to me and said, would you help me out with this? I would like you to sponsor me. And I've been sponsoring ever since. And I would sponsor others if I could. It's an amazing opportunity.
It is the 11th step or the 12th step. So I'm going to close with this, okay? Again, didn't need to run anybody out of here. I don't think I ran too many people out, okay? I appreciate you. Alcoholics Anonymous, One We Sat Around and We Talked About Our Problems, Problems, Problems,
[00:45:01]
Every Once In A While I Highlight, I Love Those People, They Are an Amazing Group of People, The Other One I Had, I Went Through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Had a Spiritual Awakening and Having Had a Spiritual Awakening as a Result of These Steps, We Tried to Carry This Message to Other Alcoholics and Practice These Principles in All Our Affairs, That's My Twelve Steps, So I Could Sit in Here and Told You All About How I Got Burnt by Cigarettes by the Time I Was Three Weeks Old and All the Things, But the Purpose That I Have in Life Is to Tell You That Not Too Long Ago, After Being In Here, I Was Dying and Somebody Sat Me Down with This Message of Hope and They Showed Me Precisely What They Did and Gave Me the Information on How I Could Do That for You and Countless Others or People Did Not Even Born Here, So I Feel Blessed to Realize That The Twelve Step Is Not Sitting Around Talking About Our Problems, It's Having Had a Spiritual Awakening, We Carry This Message, Which Message? That We Had That Spiritual Awakening and It's Through The Steps That I've Had That.
454, Thank You for Being Here, Thank You for Listening to Me and I Hope You Got Something Out of This, Thank You Very Much. Thank You So Much for Joining Us Tonight, Well, You Never Know What You're Gonna Get, You Will Just Have to Keep Coming Back, We Surely Hope to See You Here Next Thursday, Our Special Guest is Janelle F. New York, That's Exciting, If You Like This Meeting, Please Do as Bill Wilson Always Said, Pass It On, You Can Help Others Right from Your Phone or Computer and Tell Them About The Special Meeting, Everyone Is Invited to Hang Out with Us Afterwards in The Meeting, After The Meeting, Support.
Biggs, Do You Have Any Closing Comments and Would You Please Close Us Out with a Prayer or Reading of Your Choice? I Think I've Talked Enough, My Closing Comments Would Be This, Thank You and I am Forever Grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous and The Message of Hope, So Thank You, That's My Closing Comments and After a Moment of Silence, If Anybody Wants to Help Me, We'll Close with a Serenity Prayer, Please and Thank You and I Will Have to Pretty Much Jet Right Out Here, I Gotta Get to Work and My Home Group, Thank You.
God, Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change, the Courage to Change the Things I Can and the Wisdom to Know the Difference. Thank You Again, Everybody, Give Bigg a Round of Applause. Thank You, Bigg, Appreciate it, Beautiful, Thank You.