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Source: Ben R – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-04-24.m4a File: ben-r-box-of-chocolates-2025-04-24.mp3 Duration: 00:32:07
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where we got, we were started, um, most of you know Ben, and I've seen him in action for three years in a row at the Appalachian Roundup, and I love it, it's always a good thing, and last year I left something in my room, and I needed it very, very badly, and Ben saw to it that his girlfriend sent it to me, and that's what she did, and it was, I was greatly appreciative, but there's one other thing that you guys don't know, today, I sent him a reminder, and he said, who is this, and what are we going to talk, what are you talking about, what about tonight, and I just went, oh, did I send it to the wrong person, and so on, and then he says, lol, I'm just joking, he doesn't know that I'm going to be there again in May, he's in trouble, because you know, he's declared war on that, and we are not a glum lot, so Ben, you just talk now, with your, with, it's over to you, buddy.
Oh, alright, I am Ben, I'm alcoholic, uh, thank you Box of Chocolates, and Ramona, thank you so much, uh, whenever, I don't know, sometimes, whenever somebody texts me and stuff, I just like, this would be a good chance to get somebody, but, uh, and I know what it's like, uh, to have somebody supposed to speak and stuff, and then you kind of get a little stressed out if they're, if they don't show up, or whatnot, and so, uh, I apologize for making amends, I was wrong, Jesus forgive me, okay, um, uh, so, so, thank you so much, I, I've been here before, um, uh, and I appreciate y'all always, you know, you're asking me to come back, um, uh, there was a, one time that, and I need to make amends to y'all, because, um, I was, uh, going through a real hard time, and, and, uh, y'all asked me to speak, and I wasn't able to, because of, uh, uh, I was in a real deep depression at the time, so, um, I apologize about that, and, uh, and, uh, so this time, I, I, I was like, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna make it no matter what, so, thank you so much, um, you see, so, I am from Kingsport, Tennessee, I was originally from Athens, Tennessee, a little bit below Chattanooga, or below Knoxville, Tennessee, uh, in between Chattanooga and Knoxville, um, uh, I came from a family, there was a, you know, I mean, it was, it was dysfunctional, it was pretty dysfunctional, I mean, there was a lot of stuff that happened in my childhood, there was a lot of stuff, now, when you're in your childhood, and you have these things, you don't know that it's bad, to, up to a certain age, you just think it's normal, and, you know, and, uh, I was just, you know, in this family, and, um, uh, my mom, uh, well, my dad, my dad, uh, he was a bootlegger, and owned a bar, and he, it was, it was a rough bar, and, um, he was an alcoholic drug addict, um, um, he, he had a real rough childhood, because my grandfather was a bootlegger, and, um, he got drunk, and ended up, um, when he got drunk, he went on a binge, and, uh, he shot my grandmother, and killed her, and so, uh, he went to prison, and my grandmother died, so my, my dad didn't have nobody to, no family, he had to go from, uh, house to house, you know, had to have, um, his sisters, and then his aunt, and then just friends, you know, and then he just learned how to, uh, hustle, he just learned how to just survive, and then, by the time he turned 18, he went to Vietnam, um, and, I mean, he had a rough childhood, I mean, um, and then on my mom's side, uh, my mom, uh, my grandmother, uh, she was addicted to Xanaxes, or nerve pills,
[00:05:00]
I don't know exactly, I think that it was Xanaxes, but, um, she was addicted to antidepressants, and then, uh, ended up, um, she, my mom found her, and she had shot herself, and killed herself, and so my mom was, uh, and she was, uh, traumatized by that, and so both of them have a lot of trauma coming into a relationship, and then they come together, and then they make me, and, uh, and, uh, she's a, she was a Al-Anon, and my dad was in, he, he tried to get sober, but he, he, he went to rehab a couple times, but he never really made it, but anyway, um, through my life, I ended up living with my mom, um, I was always a, uh, approval seeker, uh, always was doing things to try to get people's approval, I wanted everybody, I was the class clown, I was the person that would do all the stupid stuff to make you laugh, you know, and not take the trouble, uh, just to, because if I, in my mind, if you laughed at me, that meant you liked me, and if you liked me, I was accepted, and I didn't know, um, I, so I was always in trouble, I was always one mouthy, I was always, I just was in a lot of trouble, and then, um, so I'm gonna jump around a little bit, so I had to, so my childhood, my childhood was a lot, very dysfunctional, it was, you know, I had a lot of stuff, I had a, um, a lot of physical abuse in it, I had a lot of sexual abuse in it, I had a lot of, I had a lot of stuff, I was, I lived in a lot of poverty, um, and then, you know, in it, and then, um, my, and then I was introduced to alcohol at an early age, you know, well, I would say, really, first time I really drank was 12 or 13, but, and then, I can't say that I just loved it from the start, I just know that, um, that's what everybody else was doing, so I done it, and then, and then, um, and then I liked the effect, I mean, I liked what it done to me, I liked everything, so I done more, and then next thing you know, um, I was like, alright, I won't drink, I'll drink, but I'm not gonna do no drugs, and I was even, I was even, uh, I was like the, uh, captain of dare, uh, it was, I look back and I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe that, but, um, so, my alcoholism, uh, just got, I always drank all through high school, um, I drank and I added a whole lot of more, uh, outside issues to it, um, and, I know, my first introduction really was, uh, first time I ever went to AA, I remember, uh, my first time was, or I don't remember this, but, uh, my mom would go to open AA meetings, and she was at Al-Anon, and she dropped my dad off at the Candy Kitchen, it was the bar down the road, and, uh, I remember, uh, and she would go in there, and I would probably, I was probably about 18 months, and I, I used to tell everybody that's how I caught alcoholism, by being passed around by all the drunks in AA meetings, but, um, you know, so, and then I remember I grew up going to Al-Ateem, uh, I used to go to Al-Ateem, uh, I don't remember nothing much, except for it was kind of like a babysitter, is what I considered it, uh, while my mom went to meetings, um, but, I, I've been arrested for about anything and everything because of alcohol, uh, I am a recovering criminal too, uh, anywhere from, uh, underage drinking to PIs to DUIs, you just gotta eye on it, I've been arrested for it, I, been arrested for, um, vandalism, uh, been arrested for, uh, baiting arrest, uh, been arrested for, uh, breaking in cars, breaking in houses, breaking in businesses, um, I've been arrested for, uh, stealing a transfer truck, 18-wheeler, um, I got drunk in, on Xanaxes and thought
[00:10:06]
that I could do it, and I ended up couldn't drive one, they, they're a lot harder than you think to drive, especially on Xanaxes, and then, uh, and drunk, so, I ended up running into a house, so, uh, and then, uh, got arrested for theft over 50,000, um, I've been arrested for, um, uh, manufacturing meth, I've been arrested for, uh, false imprisonment, anybody know what false imprisonment is? Uh, if you lock your girlfriend in a closet, they will arrest you for that, um, I didn't do it, I, it looks like a couple of y'all did it, but anyway, um, so, I, I got a lot of criminal stuff, I got a, I got a lot of criminal stuff, I got a lot of trauma, I got a lot of issues, um, I've done a lot of harm, I've hurt people, I've used people, I've stole from my mom, I've abused my mom, um, I remember, I used to tell people that I stole from my mom, and, and then I realized, um, I, I remember, uh, I, I, I went and, I stole her debit card, and my mom was on disability, and I went and stole all her money out of her bank account, um, I used to tell people that I was stealing, now, that right there is called fraud, if I was beating anybody else but my mom, I would have went to prison for it, I used to tell people that, um, I stole from my mom, and I remember crawling on my hands and my knees, and reaching my hand up under her pillow to grab her, uh, purse, or, uh, her pills, or whatever else she got, you know, I wonder why they were there in the first place, and I, I remember, you know, I used to say that was stealing, that ain't stealing, that's called a cat burglar, you go to prison for that, um, I remember I used to say that I stole from my mom, and then, uh, I remember one time she had my son on her, uh, on one arm, and her pocketbook on the other, and she wouldn't give me the keys, and wouldn't give me no money, so, uh, I grabbed her purse off of her, while she had my son, and took it, and anybody else that said that you do that, that's, that's called armed robbery, because it was my mom, I didn't go to prison, I used and abused everybody that was in my life, I hurt everybody to get what I, what I needed and wanted, um, I didn't do it because I was a mean person, I didn't do it because, uh, I didn't do it because it, I just, full of evil, I did it because the alcohol was my master, what I wanted and what I needed, I, I absolutely would do whatever I had to do, hurt whoever I had to hurt, and especially my family, especially the people that loved me the most, I was a menace to society, if I would, if I would have died, I'm, and I even got to this place, where if I died, if, if I was off this earth, I knew it was better for my family, I knew it was better for my friends, I knew it was better for my kids, I knew it was better for society, I knew it, there was nothing good that was going to come if I was in your life, and I had to live like that, and it broke my heart, the last time I went to rehab, the reason I went to rehab, I didn't go because I wanted to quit drinking and drugging, I, last time I went to rehab, I wanted to quit hurting people, I just couldn't, I couldn't dare just look at any more, look at my mom's face and see the terror and sadness in her whenever she saw me, didn't know what I was going to do and then she would blame her, she would be so sad because she would be like, this is my baby boy, what's going to happen to him, and she would blame herself for me being me, that she was a bad mom, she was amazing, and I just, I hated, I just knew that last time man, when I went to rehab, I just, I couldn't live, I couldn't hurt nobody no more, not the way I was hurting, and I knew the only way to do that is what I was going to have The only way to do that is I was going to have to get off of it and stay off of it because
[00:15:04]
I knew it and so I want to, I've been thinking about this and so my really first introduction except for my mom going, taking me to Alateen and all that, my first introduction was really this girl that was in rehab and she told me about this meeting. Her name was Beth. Beth got me this meeting and then I got in there and there's a guy named Dale. He is an old country boy but he's about my age. He's a little bit older than me but he is country and he was just cool-ass dude and him and Brett and they just welcomed me in there, man, and I wasn't a welcoming sight and I was welcome. I was a maniac. When I say I was a maniac, you know that new one that comes in your meetings and talks too many times and don't know when to shut up, don't know what to not talk about and all that. I mean, I'm still kind of like it but I was really like it. I would, you'd shut me off and I'd stare again. I just, I was nuts. I was a maniac. My mind was gone and I remember they took me to another meeting and it was an old school AA meeting and I'm talking about they was old school, man, and it was Duel and Bernie and Larry and, man, them old guys, man, just loved me to death even though I was a maniac.
Now, they would say they gave me some hard love, man. They did. I remember, but I was a hard case and I remember Connie and Tim and I remember they got me. I had a, I don't know, I was probably six months sober and I remember they, on Friday night, they wanted me to open this meeting and they gave me the code to the church. The code was 2018 and the reason was because they had 20 years and 18 years when they started the meeting and they let me have that code and nobody had let me have a code and nothing and I went and I was so proud to be able to open that meeting. I was just able to go in, make coffee. I mean, they gave me a purpose, man, and I loved it and then, and then, uh, and then, uh, Tony, I'd asked a bunch of, I'd asked a few guys to sponsor me and, um, there's a bunch of, uh, they turned me down. They had too many. They didn't have enough time. They didn't have any, you know, and I, and I know I was a maniac and I mean, I just could have been whatever it was. I felt rejected. I felt like nobody wanted me and I finally went for Tony and Tony was this kind, this funny, good dude, man, and I remember Tony, man, Tony, I asked him, I said, man, I know everybody else keeps on turning me down and he, and I said, but I, I gotta have a sponsor, man, and he says, Ben, he says, I've been waiting on you to ask me. He says, he says, I'm glad you asked and Tony went through, took me through the steps. He loved me through my mania, mania. He, he, he loved me. He took, uh, he, he did, he had an earpiece and I think he, I would make these calls and I'd talk about all this stuff.
And I remember, I think he just took his earpiece out, but man, he just, he was there and he just, he guided me through, man. He, he guided me and then I moved, I moved up to, I moved away from there and I moved up to, uh, Tri-Cities and I moved to Bristol, Tennessee and I got, there's a guy named Herb Bradley, old timer here,
[00:20:05]
most spiritual man I've ever met. When he walks in a room, he lights up the room. He, he just, he makes everybody glad to be around him. And he taught me how about relationships. He taught me how, he taught me, he, he showed me, he showed me about God. He didn't tell me. And, uh, and, and I, he was my sponsor and, and, and, uh, Kimian, Kimian, uh, Joey, uh, when I first got up here, they, uh, I roomed with them and they took me in and let me, yeah, I roomed with them and I was their roommate for a year.
And then, and then I ended up getting, uh, going through a hard time and I ended up getting a new sponsor and I went, I got, uh, I got Steve and I've been with Steve probably about nine, 10 years. And Steve has went through so much with me. He's went through, he's went through me acting a fool and recovering. He's went through my divorce. He's, he's went through, uh, just, uh, so much he's went through, uh, just, uh, so much and he's never left.
So why do I tell y'all about all these people? And I got so many more and I hope you have them too. And I had, because the reason is because every day one of them was strangers. Not one of them knew me. They love me because they knew me. They didn't know my name. They didn't know who, what I'd done. They didn't know anything. They loved the unlovable and showed me that I was lovable. I'm, I'm eternally grateful.
And in the same sense, I'm kind of ashamed of some stuff. Sometimes I would gripe about the fellowship when the fellowship took me in. That is the fellowship that I crave. Sometimes I need to ask myself, am I Beth? Am I Dale? Am I Brett? Am I Herb? Am I Tony? Am I Steve? Am I, am I the person, you know, man. And if I'm not, how unappreciative, sometimes I'm ashamed of how unappreciative and ungrateful that I show in this.
And sometimes I would gripe. I don't got nothing to gripe about. I came from the streets of Chattanooga, living at a mission, eating at the community kitchens, and today I have these, somebody would just talk a little bit too long on a phone call or ask questions and it's just little petty stuff and it will irritate me to death. And then I won't even remember where they're at. I won't remember that the journey that they got to have, that they got to go through the craziness, that they got to, you know, and it's sometimes, you know, it's, you know, sometimes I'm ashamed of myself that I, you know, I mean, I know I'm human.
I know it, but man, I absolutely love this fellowship. I love AA. I love what y'all have done for me. I was talking to a childhood friend the other day and we was talking about all these things that we did and all this. And it just came to me. So, so, I mean, I know, but I mean, like, you know, you, yeah, I've changed, I've changed, but it just hit me in my gut, the transformation that has happened in here with me.
And I was almost overwhelmed because I can see it in you.
[00:25:01]
I can see it, you know, I can see it. I mean, I'm just my biggest critic and I'm so, I mean, and I just see, but man, whenever I can see the start into now, oh my God, there has to be a God. There has to be something. There has to be. Because there's no way that I've done that. I mean, if there's anything that I'm appreciative is more than anything is y'all have put me into believing in God. And I don't know, I don't have no definition of it.
I just know that I pray, I meditate, I do the things that y'all tell me to do. And man, my life is so much better and my people and my family loves it for it, loves you for it because man, y'all show me how to do things. Now, I took my glasses off so I can't see what time it is. So what I was wanting to do is, because it's a box of chocolates and we can do what we want in a box of chocolates. What I wanted to do is I want y'all to know that this thing, I have fell in love with A.A.
And I always love this thing. How do you know you haven't had a spiritual awakening? You cannot not give it away. And I want you to know, man, I've been through a lot. And right now, I have service commitments. I do these things. I do it and I don't do it. I don't do it. I don't do any of them to stay sober. I don't. I do every damn one of them because I'm so damn grateful I am. So and I just want to open the meeting up.
And I want to hear about y'all's herbs and y'all's tonics. So I really appreciate you box of chocolates. I love y'all. Thank you so much for having me again. And hopefully y'all got something out of this. Thanks. Thank you, Ben. That was great. You said a lot in that little 30 minutes time. That's amazing. I'll start it just simply because nobody else would go unless somebody starts it, right? I grew up in a military family.
You know, whenever you're going through stuff, it's crazy how whenever you're going through stuff, you feel real lost. And then once you get to the other side of it, you see how things have worked out exactly the way they're supposed to. You know, I went through a divorce here in the last, you know, in 2021. And it was, I mean, brutal divorce. And then now I've found me and Shailene, we met at a conference.
Uh, and we, we just both had the love of AA and we just started talking. My sponsor guided me on how to date, guided me on how to get rid of all the other, the stuff from the past where I can be the man that I'm supposed to be in this one. And then, uh, and hopefully, uh, she is my fiance now. And, um, and I mean, uh, I just, I, I was, uh, almost had PTSD from the last one. And, you know, and I almost wasn't going to do anything with this one.
Cause I so scared, you know, when I was like, you know, no, I'm not, I'm I'm when it, when it's me, it, it, whenever, you know, you know, don't let the fear, you know, and, and so, uh, hopefully. After the Roundup, I Think We're Going to Get Married, We're Taking Off to Jamaica, The
[00:30:09]
Week After, We're Going to Lope and Get Married, It's Been One of the Better Two Years of My Life and um and so you know I thought I was lost because the old relationship was gone but I just didn't know what God was had in store I mean and you know and I and I you know I don't want to be I you know I don't want to be just looking for I didn't wasn't just looking I mean I was uh I was trying not to be in anything because I didn't want to hurt nobody I didn't want all of these emotions and stuff and you know and um and I wouldn't even date her we just talked for um a period and it just was wrapped so um I just so grateful that she will have me and uh maybe she's maybe you know I'm just hoping her denial stays so anyway um I appreciate y'all and I will end it but I'm gonna I'm gonna say what you do with the the serenity prayer because every time I do the Lord's Prayer I always screw up the words so I go blank and stuff that I did for whatever reason on serenity prayer so anyway uh this moment of silence God grant me the serenity to accept the things that cannot change courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference amen amen thank you I'll see a few of y'all in a couple weeks