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Source: Brad S – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-01-30.m4a File: brad-s-box-of-chocolates-2025-01-30.mp3 Duration: 00:53:57
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Thank you. My name is Brad Sylvain. I'm a recovered alcoholic and it is an honor and privilege to ever be asked to speak in the rooms AA and I get this opportunity pretty regularly. I'll tell you, I always get nervous. I told the guy that yesterday. Regardless of how many people are in the room or whatever, I always get nervous. Something about the Zoom meetings make me particularly nervous. I'm just sitting here in my office at home talking to myself and so bear with me. Like I said, my name is Brad and I'm an alcoholic and I have a sponsor. His name is Stan. He's from Park City, Utah. He's in here and so if anything I said bothers you, please just text Stan, direct message Stan. He's right here for that. You can abuse him by any means necessary. I have a home group, which is the Wellington Men's Group Alcoholics Anonymous meets Saturday morning in Wellington, Florida.
If you're ever in South Florida at 8am on a Saturday and you're a man, we'd love to have you there. I've worked the 12 Steps to Alcoholics Anonymous the way they laid out in the book and as a result, I've had a spiritual experience. My life today is wildly different than it was when I walked into the rooms Alcoholics Anonymous. I was taught to share in a general way what it used to be like, what happened and what it's like now I'll do my utmost to stick to that guidance that has been set forth before me.
I always like to bring this up. In 1942, in a letter to Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W. wrote that our chief responsibility is an adequate presentation of the program Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm grateful that our founding father held the bar at adequate. My only goal today is to be adequate. I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night and we broke up into these little groups. I had this unfortunate experience and I'm going to talk a little bit about that. I sat there and I listened and for a long time in the meeting, we didn't talk about alcoholism or the solution to alcoholism or remotely close to what alcoholism was. I found myself getting internally frustrated and I just remembered that sometimes I'm there to bring a message. We were able to do that and the meeting got right on track. I remember how important it was for me to hear the solution to Alcoholics Anonymous when I got here. Let me just start from the beginning. I come from a non-alcoholic home.
I have married parents who are married 48-ish years, 48 years now. Neither of my parents drink alcoholically. One side of my family is riddled with alcoholism and drug addiction and mental health and all sorts of fun and exciting ailments and the other side of my family seemingly has none of it. As early as I can remember, the first thing I ever kind of connected with in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous was this idea that I was different, that I felt different, that I felt inadequate. I've learned today that that's kind of the manifestation of my spiritual condition. But as early as I can remember, I felt like I didn't get the playbook to life.
I felt different. I felt like all you guys were so focused on me. One of the main reasons is I come from a biracial family. My father is a dark-skinned immigrant who has a heavy accent. My mother is a red-haired Irish Catholic woman. I'll let you guess what side has is the alcoholism. And so as early as I can remember, I was obsessed with what you guys thought of me, because I didn't know any biracial kids. I didn't know anybody who looked like me as I grew up in the 1980s. I know today that my self-centeredness was so consumed with what you guys thought about me. I know today that, if anything, most people thought I was Hispanic my whole life. But other than that, most people are too consumed thinking about themselves, and they've spent almost zero time thinking about me. I'm talking four, five, six years old.
[00:05:00]
I had this internal discomfort and this internal self-centeredness that was this manifestation of this spiritual illness that I know I suffer from today, as well as in the first grade. My parents, God bless them. I came from a very great home. I was really struggling in school to keep up. They gave me all these diagnoses of these ADHDs, X, Y, and Zs, dyslexic. He's got all this stuff. He needs to go to a special school, and they were able to put me in a special school for learning disabled kids.
And this was in the first grade, and I can remember thinking, I wonder what everybody thinks about me. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not this enough. I'm not that enough. That's been the underlying theme of my life, is I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not this enough. I'm not that enough. That's been a lot of the internal dialogue that manifests itself for a guy like me. And so speed up at 11 years old, there was this girl, which is a common thing in my story, but there was this girl I met in my neighborhood.
She was a little bit older than me, and she liked to drink liquor. And I was 11 years old, and I started lying about drinking liquor before I ever drank liquor, which I think is kind of a bizarre behavior. But I would tell her, yeah, I did this. I did that last Sunday. And so I remember at the age of 11 years old, first time drinking liquor. And in the doctor's opinion, they talk about men and women drink essentially because they love the effect produced by alcohol.
The sensation is so elusive that while I admit is injurious, they can not at time differentiate the truth from false. And I used to think that meant that men and women drink because they like to get drunk. I know today that I drank because I like what it did for me. See, for the first time in my life, I drank liquor, and I didn't care what you thought about me, and I didn't care. All that internal noise, all that internal discomfort, all those feelings and inadequacy that I didn't fit in, that I wasn't a part of, that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't good looking enough, that I wasn't this enough, that I wasn't that enough, all that stuff dissipated.
My shoulders dropped. And I mean, we were just drinking Budweiser's on the side of the house by a little AC unit. We had like a little six pack, and it's me and her, and we're just drinking this little six pack as fast as we can because she's maybe 14, I'm 11, and we're bound to get in trouble drinking Budweiser as a little kid. But I remember for the first time feeling, man, I like this. And I can't even tell you if I got intoxicated or not, but I remember the sensation of feeling like, man, I love this. I love this feeling. And from that moment on, I drank as much as I could as often as I could. And so I have never drank in responsibly, and I know that has nothing to do with being an alcoholic. And some of you guys drank wine and ate steaks for dinner for years, then all of a sudden crossed the threshold. Not my story.
From the moment I picked up drugs and alcohol at 11 years old, I drank alcoholically from the onset. And so what that looks like as an 11, 12 year old kid is I'm stealing liquor. I'm breaking in people's homes and trying to find bottles of booze. And I'm using drugs because a drug dealer didn't ID me at the door. But I'm drinking as much as I could as often as I could. One of my first, what I would classify as alcoholic memories is I'm staying up at night and I'm playing Super Nintendo and it's late. And I'm kind of waiting for my mom and dad to go to sleep. And my parents don't drink, but they kept a bottle of gin in their cover because they would have friends come down and visit us from New York. I was born in New York City, but I grew up in Tampa. I moved there when I was a baby. But we'd have family come down and they would drink. So my mom would keep this bottle of gin in the cover. And I remember, I mean, it was like it was yesterday. I keep peeking out into the hallway and see if everybody's asleep. And my room's kind of directly categorized from my parents' room. And I'm waiting for everybody's asleep. And when I kind of identify around 1130, everyone's asleep. I go out and I pour myself a glass of gin and drink by myself at 12 years old. And I'm not drinking to have fun with my friends. I'm not drinking to party. I'm drinking just to feel an effect because that sensation to me was so exciting. It was so elusive. It was so rewarding that it didn't matter if I drank alone or I drank with peers or I drank with friends. I just wanted to consume as much of it as I could. And that's kind of how my drinking career goes. I find myself quickly engaged in illegal activities. When I drink liquor, I become a criminal and I have no problem committing crime. And I know that is not common with most alcoholics. Some of you guys
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drink and are great, successful people. Not me. I drink liquor and I get in fights and cause crime. And so first crimes I start causing is I would walk around my neighborhood and just walk into people's garages and take stuff that didn't belong to me. More than alcoholism, I've had this internal desire to be in trouble and do the wrong thing as early as I can remember. And so walking around taking things out of people's garages was fun for me. And so me and my friends, we'd get together. We'd ride around. We'd steal golf clubs, power tools, BMX bikes, and we would do nothing but throw those things in the lake.
We weren't like pawning them for money. We were just doing it to be bad kids. But I remember a crown jewel. We go into this garage and this guy has a case of warm beer. And we sprint into the woods, me and my buddy Ryan. And I remember his 12-pack of beer is warm and sitting in his garage. We get into the woods and crack open a beer. And I start drinking. Ryan starts drinking. He spits it out. He said, this is disgusting. Right? Warm Budweiser. And I remember this feeling of enjoyment because I knew now that I had 11 beers. And 11 beers were certainly going to get me drunk. And to me, that was a lot of my early alcoholic experience.
And so what happened was I would start to substitute my social groups. I'd lower my standards. I'd have standards that were up here. And so my peer group wouldn't, their standards were a little bit higher than me. So I just replaced them for a lower standard peer group. And so I kept doing that and doing that until I had the kids I grew up with. No one really wanted to be around me anymore. I had substituted those people for people that were more interested in the stuff I was doing. And so I get arrested at 13 for the first time for breaking and entering.
And I stay on probation from 13 until I have two years sober. Mostly because I can't stay out of trouble and I can't stop using drugs and alcohol. So 13, I get arrested for the first time. My first consequence, nothing really happens. At 15, I find myself back in the court system. I'm forced to go to my first IOP. I'm forced to go to therapy for the first time. I'm a kid. I'm going to therapy. I learned a little bit about alcoholism. I actually meet this man who was really impactful in my recovery journey. He's the first guy I met sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. Not really.
My grandfather was sober, but he never disclosed that to me until a little bit later in my life. My grandfather was 30 years sober when he died. But this man, Louis, was the first person that I ever interacted with that talked to me about being an alcoholic in Alcoholics Anonymous. And he had been sober since he was 19. And he was like 36. So for me, he was ancient. You know, he was a grandpa. And he talked to me. He was a therapist. And he talked to me about what it meant to be alcoholic. And nothing really got through. But I remember not minding meeting with Louis. I remember kind of going there and learning about Alcoholics Anonymous and feeling that Louis looked happy. Louis looked like he had his head on his shoulders.
So I get a bit more trouble. My parents send me to this. I don't know if you've ever seen Maury Povich, but he used to have this military guy that would come on a show and scream at at-risk kids like teenagers. He was a military guy. He'd come and scream at him. Well, he ran a program called Operation Right Track, where my parents sent me. I left them with really no choice. I was a really problematic adolescent. And, you know, they sent me to Operation Right Track. And I'll tell you what, like, you know, it was just a place that screamed at me. And I learned absolutely nothing. I was there for a little bit and got home and went right back to the same exact stuff and got back into therapy with Louis. And, you know, there was this girl in therapy. And, you know, by this time, I'm 16, she was 17, and she had a license. And I remember she was going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. And so I started going to meetings with her.
And she was like, pseudo girlfriend, I would guess, whatever, you know, a 16-year-old kid, you know, romance looks like. But she would take me to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. And I stayed sober. I didn't drink liquor for probably 60 to 90 days. I don't really know. But I do know that I was going to pick up a chip. I believe it was more than a 30-day chip. So I think it was a 60. Chip. I believe it was more than a 30-day chip, so I think it was a 60-day chip, but it could
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have been 90-day. I remember I was going to pick up a chip, and my mother told me she was proud of me. So by this time, I had learned that my mom grew up in an alcoholic home, that my father was alcoholic, both her brothers were alcoholic, all of her male uncles were alcoholic, and that alcoholism runs rampant in our family. And she said she was proud of me. And I had been going to meetings, but I'll tell you, if you ever listen to like Charlie Brown's teacher, and she's just like, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, that's all I ever heard in any meeting I'd ever been to.
And I don't, listen, I could have been in meetings with Mark Houston and the absolute greatest, you know, carriers of the message possible, but I know I heard nothing. You know, absolutely nothing was communicating to me in those meetings, nothing landed. I was there because of this girl. I know we drank coffee after the meetings. I know we stood up, you know, we stayed up late, went to Starbucks and, you know, drank like triple shot espressos.
And there was a fellowship, I felt a fellowship. There was people there, you know, that were, that were, you know, interested in each other and they seemed like great folks. But I went to pick up that medallion or that chip, and the girl told me that night that we couldn't see each other anymore because she had relapsed. And as soon as those words came out of her mouth, my willingness to drink liquor, you know, I was like, sure, well, let's do it, you know, let's go tonight.
And, you know, my only solution I had at that point was this girl. I didn't have God or a fellowship or the steps or anything of the sort. I only was kind of hanging on to hang out with this girl. And so, you know, if you're here looking for the solution, you know, in another person, God bless you, man, because for me, my experience was that the moment she wanted to drink liquor, I drank liquor. And I remember that that night I came home, I don't know why this stands out and I'm walking my dog.
I got this 110 pound chow, lab chow mix, this massive dog, and I'm walking him that night and I'm disappointed in myself and I'm talking to my dog about how I'm disappointed in myself because my mom told me she was proud of me that day, you know, and I'm a kid, but I had known I had a problem that unequivocally I qualified as an alcoholic at 15 years old. I qualified for Alcoholics Anonymous. I did not stay sober, but I remember this feeling of, man, I really let people down.
And so when I get big feelings, the only thing I know how to do is hide them. So I went and drank as much booze and, you know, did as much, you know, non-approved substances as you could possibly find to ease that discomfort that I was feeling in that moment because I certainly was uncomfortable. You know, my parents and this therapist and my probation officer think it's a great idea to send me to a 14 to 20 month adolescent therapeutic community.
They make a lot of documentaries about the places I went. If you want to watch them, they're on Netflix. But I was sent away for 14 months to a therapeutic community that was violent and, you know, not a great place. But I believe today I left the people in my life no other choice because, you know, I was kind of a terror and no one knew what to do with me. And so while I was in that place, I would run.
I would escape. I would drink, you know, robotism. I would drink rubbing alcohol. I would do anything possible to feel an effect produced by alcohol, anything. And the night was March 31st of 2000. It was no different than any other, you know, night I was, you know, thinking, scheming for a way to feel an effect produced by alcohol like I, you know, had done many times before. And at this point in my life, I was in elopement threat because I had escaped seven or eight times.
And so they had taken my shoes from me and, you know, that'll stop him from running away. And, you know, just another day I was on the way to a doctor's appointment and I escaped from the facility and I went out and I walked into an Eckerd's drugstore. And I, you know, at this point in my life, like my life is so unmanageable. Like I'm I'm I'm a runaway from from a lockdown facility. I'm walking into an Eckerd's store and I'm I'm drinking robotism in the store.
I'm not even walking out with it. I'm just drinking a family sized bottle of robotism to feel an effect produced by alcohol. You know, I don't know what else to do. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm so uncomfortable with my own situation that I'm willing to do anything possible. The lengths in which I'm willing to go to feel an effect produced by alcohol are endless. I would do anything at that point in my life.
And at this point, two years later, I'm 17 years old.
[00:20:03]
You know, I've been in this facility for about seven months now. I'm causing all sorts of chaos in my life. My parents, they're bringing my parents in. My dad's crying. My mom's crying. Everybody's, you know, what's wrong with Brad? He's doing nothing in here but causing mayhem. And I'll tell you what, I got a I got a moment of clarity that night, that morning, the next morning, I was picked up by the police, you know, intoxicated at a rest stop on the Florida Turnpike as I was trying to hitchhike north, which I don't really, you know, I'm not I'm not a great planner or anything.
I just going north and had no real place I was going. I just knew, you know, let's go north. And so I'm hitchhiking north. I'm a 17 year old runaway from a locked treatment center, therapeutic community. And I just have a moment of clarity and it's nothing profound. I just was my life, how I had been living it had become unacceptable. And I and I and I want to stress the moment thing, because I think everybody here could probably relate to having a moment of clarity in their life, just to just to I think a lot of people enter Alcoholics Anonymous after a moment, right, whether it's illegal or it's family or it's some consequence financial that there's a moment where whatever we're doing is no longer acceptable to us.
Now, what I believe is that moment can be very short lived for some of us, the moment is last seconds, right? Some of its minutes, some of its days, some of its hours, you know, but but it's a moment. And I believe that in that moment, that's it's God's grace. And. I just think and I'm going to skip forward, I'm really lately. I think it's really important for us to have a solution to understand it's our responsibility to to to contact that that guy in that moment, because in that moment, I think we have an opportunity to tell him about a solution that could save his life.
And and that's exactly what happened, my sobriety date is April 1st of 2000, I was a 17 year old punk kid with a big Afro who was 80 pounds less than I am today, who had absolutely nothing going from his life. I dropped out of high school in the eighth in the 10th grade and and I just had a moment of clarity and it wasn't I want to stay sober for good and for all and I want I want this and I want that. I got it had nothing to do with that.
I wanted to put shoes back on my feet, I wanted to get the hell out of this place I was in and I just wanted things to change. I would have taken any change. Any change looked better than what I had to live in. And part of this program, they used to bring meetings in and see, there was this girl. I hope you guys are seeing a trend. There was this girl named Kim. Kim was 19 and she used to bring a meeting into this place because it was strictly for adolescents. Kim was very attractive, let's say, so Kim got my attention and I remember asking Kim, is there young people sober in Alcoholics Anonymous?
I'm 17, is there young people sober? And she told me, yeah, come to my home group when you get out. It's called the You Are Not Alone group. And it's, you know, yada, yada, yada. And we'd love to have you. And so I remember half of what she said. I remember her being pretty attractive. So I get to a point in the next couple of weeks where the opportunity to go to a meeting presents itself. And so I kind of remember what Kim said.
So I go on an adventure to find Kim at a meeting. This is I Know God's Real, you know, because my intention was to go meet a girl at an AA meeting and tell her, you know, I know I'm in treatment. I got nothing going for me, but I think you're, you know, pretty girl and I love your number and yada, yada, yada. That was my intention. I didn't have anything to offer. I don't think Kim would've been interested whatsoever.
But, you know, that was my intention. And what happened to me is only explained by the divine intervention of God. Because I go to find this woman and I go to the Easy Does It Club. You know, it's it's really kind of low budget clubhouse, but her home group was there and, you know, they smoke cigarettes inside and I walk into this meeting and there's no women there. It's a very strange thing. I'm looking for the girl and it's a men's meeting and it's called the Good Guys Group and the Good Guys Group, man, I'll tell you what, man, I hope to be members of groups that care about women.
I hope to be members of groups that care as much about a guy in his moment as this group did, because they did things that is really kind of counterintuitive to the common Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, ways.
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And this was in 2000. But this gentleman, Brian, was a greeter at the meeting and he welcomed me to Alcoholics Anonymous. He was wearing scrubs. I can this is the most impactful moment in my entire life. Brian's wearing scrubs and he asked me a question and I didn't lie to him and I still find it fascinating. I didn't lie to Brian because at this time in my life, I lie about everything. If I'm at if I'm at Walmart and you ask me where I'm at, I say Target.
I don't know why I lie about everything. But my life is riddled with so much dishonesty that that I don't have the capability of telling the truth. And Brian walked up to me and he said, do you have a home group and a sponsor? And I said, no. That's probably the first honest thing that had come out of my mouth in weeks. And Brian did something that I think is profound and directly out of the book Alcoholics Anonymous.
He said, great, this is your home group. And then he grabbed four guys in the room, Tony, Adam, Dino, Bernie. He brought them over. He brought them over. Bernie, let me explain these guys, Tony. So I'm a young punk kid. I've got a Wu-Tang shirt on. I have a big afro. I grew up in Tampa, Florida. I went to an inner city school. I, you know, I don't, we are people who would not normally mix me in the group.
But Tony's a black guy, drives a Cadillac. You know, Tony seems cool. I totally relate with Tony. Dino went to prison. He used to bite the filter off his Newport cigarette and chew it while he smoked it. Dino was cool. Adam was a young guy. He was in his 30s. He was a bodybuilder. He was massive. Great man. Phenomenal man. And Bernie was a 67-year-old Polish guy from New Jersey who lived in a trailer park around the corner who had absolutely nothing in common with me.
So back to my story. Brian brings these four guys to me. He says, and great. And Bernie will be your sponsor. See, I know today that Brian knew exactly what's in this book. It's in this book. It talks about when you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous. What do you do? Guys, I was not in that meeting to meet the sponsor who would change my life and ultimately put me on a trajectory that would change every single thing from that moment forward in my life.
I did not know that. You know, that didn't come for that. I came to meet Kim. I came to maybe find someone who would sell me weed in the parking lot. Like, I really came for those reasons. I didn't come to meet Bernie, the 67-year-old guy who, you know, had an adequate message about the program Alcoholics Anonymous. I had no interest in meeting them. But they understood that I was never going to find someone who had what I wanted.
They knew I would never ask for help. I used to think, how did they know I was brand new? But you got to put yourself in this. It is like May in Florida and I have a hoodie on and I'm looking at the floor. It's 100 degrees. I'm pouring sweat. I'm looking at the floor as I walk into Alcoholics Anonymous. So I know today, telltale sign, you're brand new. Hoodie, Florida, no eye contact, middle of the summer.
They knew I was new and they discovered a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous. I say that thing about the moment because I had a moment. I was drinking liquor again, for sure. I actually had to get a paper signed at that meeting. I was not there to stick around for good and for all. I was not there to do the permanent recovery the book talks about. That was not what I was there for. I was there to meet Kim, find someone who'd sell me some weed in the parking lot.
I promise you, those are my intentions that night. And I met this man who had nothing in common with me, but we suffer from this common ailment. And he had a solution to his problem. And I was a guy who needed a solution to my problem. And like I said, I went to that meeting and every other AA meeting I've ever been to in my whole entire life. I can't tell you they ever said anything good. I don't.
They could have, you know, they could have been the best people. You know, they could have been fantastic folks. But this meeting changed my dating life. These men carried a message with depth and weight about God and the 12 Steps to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't think I'd ever heard that before. They told me that I could, they promised me that if I did the work as outlined in this book, that I would never have to drink liquor again.
What does that mean? What does that mean? That if I did the work out of this book, that I would never
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have to drink liquor again. Because before I had no choice in the matter, I had to drink liquor, that if I did the work in the book, that I would never get in that position where I had to drink again. That I could be restored, that I could have, I mean they spoke, I mean they spoke a real promise to me. My very favorite speaker in Alcoholics Anonymous is a guy named Chris R. from Ingram, Texas. Chris, who is Stan's sponsor, so if you have a problem with me, text Stan, call Chris, but Chris talks about coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and for 12 years walking around the program and not hearing the solution. For 12 years he sat in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, unable to get connected to God and the steps. And I'm the exact opposite. I walk into Alcoholics Anonymous at 17 years old and walk directly into a room of people who are carrying the message directly out of the book. And I stay sober, you know, my life changed seemingly overnight. So Bernie, that night, Bernie qualifies me. I've never been qualified before. I didn't even know what it meant to be alcoholic. I could have told you what I thought meant to be alcoholic. You know, alcohol causes problems in your life, consequences, you drink, you know, all that stuff, you know, not really the problem. But Bernie talked about this physical allergy. He asked me when I started to drink, did I ever lose control of my consumption? And he asked me to tell him stories. So I told him stories. I told him about my grandfather dying of cancer and my grandfather was coming into town. I love my grandfather. I know he loved me. He was a great man. He was a, he was a, you know, an idol in my life. He did no wrong to me. And I just, you know, and he was coming into town. He had lung cancer and he was dying. It was the last time I would see him, likely, last time I would see him. And, you know, earlier that day, I was going to see him at four o'clock, but around 12 o'clock, I drank liquor. And I just was going to drink a couple, you know, just a couple and I was going to be fine by four and everything would be fine. I'd see my grandfather. But some part of that day, I lost control of my consumption and I was unable to show up to see my grandfather who was dying that I loved. See, I didn't hate my grandfather. I wasn't a bad person. I was a sick guy. And when I put liquor in my body, I lost control of how much I was going to drink. And he asked me for situations like that over and over again. I talked about, you know, being on probation and getting drug tested. And this time I've been on probation for four years. I've been getting drug tests for four years and I can't seem to pass a drug test. And I talked about wanting to stop needing to stop having to stop being unable to stop. And he talked a little bit about what that sounded like was a mental obsession. So if I have this physical allergy that when I start to drink, I lose control. All I have to do is stop drinking and my problem is solved. Right? If I just stop drinking, the problem is solved. And he explained to me that for the alcoholic, when they stop drinking, that's when the real problem starts. That if you are alcoholic, you have this chronic mind that would convince you, regardless of your circumstance, regardless of the events of your past, that there would be a trivial reason to pick up the first drink. And I could point to countless times where I knew I shouldn't do it. I knew I couldn't do it. And for whatever reason, you know, in my own head, you know, the thoughts would be so convincing that I would pick it up again.
So that's the real crux of the problem. That your problem centers in your mind, not your body. And your mind's always gonna talk you into picking up the first drink. He said I was hopeless. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, I'm gonna drink liquor again no matter what. Rather, you got no chance. And he kind of stressed the hopeless condition that I was in. Because he knew if I believed I was hopeless, then when the next step came, we started talking about God, I wouldn't be like, oh, do I have to pray on my knees? Do I have to believe in Jesus? Do I have to do this? He knew if I was hopeless, I wouldn't care. Because if I'm hopeless, why do I care? If there's no hope, who cares? I know when I'm sponsoring a guy and he's got a problem with step two and beyond, he doesn't understand how hopeless he is in step one. See, if I'm hopeless, really hopeless,
[00:35:00]
I have what's on page 28, the desperation of a drowning man. See, when I know how hopeless I am, I'm willing to do whatever. Because I'm hopeless. Because it's not that, you know, I'm hopeless. There's no, I got no, who cares? Oh, you want me to go to church five times a week, pray to Jesus? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares, right? Because I'm hopeless. So, lucky we don't have to do all that for us, right? Alcoholics Anonymous is broad and open and you get to build a relationship with God as you see fit, that's personal to you, it's great. But if it wasn't, who cares? Because I'm hopeless.
That night that I met Bernie, he did that, those two things with me. He talked about, you know, being an alcoholic, being hopeless. And he said, I only know one way to help you, is to connect you to God. And the only thing Alcoholics Anonymous was about, was about connecting you to God. That's it. It had no other purpose. No other, I thought I was there to quit drinking. Guys, I've been in church my entire life. I mean, I know, I consider myself a believer since day one, like, oh, this God thing is going to be easy. He said, unfortunately, Brad, what you've been doing is your resentments, behavior, conduct, I hope you guys can see this, I got like a light on here, right? Has been blocking you off from access to that spirit of the universe. From that sunlight of the spirit, your own behavior, your dishonesty, resentment, fear, all those things have been blocking you off from access to that light that you need access to. Right? The light's still there. You're blocking it. Right?
And Alcoholics Anonymous' sole intention is to inventory this stuff, address it, work on making changes, and uncover that blockage between you and that relationship. And if you have an unencumbered, unblocked relationship with God, that you will never drink liquor again. He didn't shy away from referencing the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, in his story. Right? In the fourth to the second edition, it says, this seemed to prove that one alcoholic could affect another non-alcoholic, because no non-alcoholic could. It also indicated that strenuous work, one alcoholic with another, was vital to permanent recovery. He was not afraid to stress the fact that I could stay sober for good and for all if I got connected to God and kept my hands in Alcoholics Anonymous on God and a new guy in Alcoholics Anonymous. That if I was keeping my hands in God's hand and a hand on a new guy in Alcoholics Anonymous, I could walk a straight line and never drink liquor again. And he pointed out in the book, the guy knew the book better than anybody I'd ever met at that time, which wasn't many people, but he knew it better than the rest of them that I'd ever come in contact with. And to me, it was imperative that someone have a message that was clear and precise and gave me hope.
Because he talked big game, big game about how great my life would be. He sold me a story about how wonderful a life in Alcoholics Anonymous would be. He used to say this thing, he goes, man, your life in Alcoholics Anonymous is going to be impossible for you to do while drinking. Impossible. I mean, he's a special guy. I mean, ultimately, I think all of us run into these folks that change our lives and for each one of us, they're unique and special. But this guy was and he was a special guy and he cared hopelessly for drunks. He was so funny. I worked at 12 Steps Alcoholics Anonymous and by four and a half months sober, I was through the steps and I was sponsoring.
And he's a funny guy. He said, Brad, you're a little too young for me. I got this guy, Andy Wallace. I'd like you to work with that guy. You're a little bit too young. You're too young for me. You could bring because I'd start bringing up problems because, you know, now I'm like through the steps. I'm like, well, Bernie, there's this girl, you know, and he'd be like, great. Call Andy with that. You know, he hopelessly cared about carrying the message of the 12 Steps to guys and getting connected to God. And then Bernie sponsored me for four and a half months and kicked me to Andy and Andy sponsored me for two years. And, you know, I moved away and then Chet sponsored me. But he really kind of got he was the guy who made the biggest impact on me because he was the first guy that shared a solution to me.
You know, and when I when I kind of walk through that path, you know, of working the steps and
[00:40:00]
identifying these things that were blocking me off from God. And then we get to this point where, you know, I'm trying to become a different man. And, you know, we're talking about making amends and fixing and repairing things. And, you know, that work is tough, man. We get we read in AA, we read these nine step promises and we all say, are these extravagant promises? And we all go, we think not. I think they're so extravagant. I've done that. I think it's the silliest thing we do. I think they're just totally crazy. You know, you read those things. I'm a high school dropout who was a runaway from a treatment center who had absolutely nothing, who went to inner city school in Tampa, Florida, who, you know, had no possibilities in life, had absolutely zero options. And you read those promises, most extravagant things you guys ever came up with.
Couldn't have come up with a more extravagant list. But I understand that we as a community think they're not extravagant. I do. We as a whole think they're not. Brad Sylvain thinks they're very extravagant. But I do know that the ninth step is where the rubber meets the road. I know a guy's never done the steps when he talks about how hard writing a four step is. That's when I know a guy's just absolutely never done any step work. Four step, me and a pen can write a four step in four to six hours and I can tell you all my dirty secrets. I mean, I'd already did that stuff. That stuff is simple. You want to talk about tough, look a person in the eyes and tell them you'll be different and then be different. That's tough. You know.
That's that's the rubber meeting the road is is being different. And I've struggled, man. This is my AA journey, my life and recovery. I'm, you know, 24 years sober. God willing, if I make it a couple more months, two more months or so, I'll have 25 years sober. I'm, you know, 42. My life's been pretty, pretty miraculous, to say the least. But it's not always been great. I've had a lot of trials and triumph and I've made a lot of mistakes. I was at the meeting I was at last night was on surrendering. First 20 minutes, guys, I promise you, we were not talking about alcoholics. I don't even know I could.
I was it was alarming what I had walked into. But after that, it got much better. But I was thinking about this idea of surrendering and how most of the stuff I've really had to surrender is because of self is that, you know, I cause a lot of pain and heartache in my life because of self. And most of the struggles, if not all the struggles I have gone through, have been a result of self-centeredness and putting me in front of God and in front of other people. And, you know, and God, that's just been so true in so many areas of my life. And the more self I can get out of the way, the better my dang life is. It tells me that selfish and self-centered are the root of all my problems. I can't think of I can't think of anything that's more true than that for a guy like me. From the moment I was put on this earth, my problems come because I think too damn much of myself and not enough of you guys and not enough of my kids and my wife. And so if I can and I believe that some of you, some of you guys came to Alcoholics Times and God has removed your self, your selfishness. I believe that. I've seen it. I look at you guys in the face. I know great people. My buddy who was in here just a little while ago, he left already. There's a guy named Greg who joined for a minute. This guy, you're talking about my number one guy. This is my guy.
This guy loves me unconditionally. I've known him since he has a week sober. He's got 16 years. He is my guy. He's pretty unselfish. He wakes up every day and he thinks about others often. I wake up every day. I still think about me. And so I need a practical program of action to help me think of you guys, right? Because without it, I'm stuck in my own head, in my own thoughts, consumed by self, full of fear, running amok. The book says even in my best moments, I'm a producer of confusion rather than harmony. My best moments. Can you imagine what my worst moments look like? Stan can tell you what my worst moments look like.
They are terrible. And it doesn't matter if I'm a newcomer. I've got 24 years sober. I can cause pain and heartache in the lives of people around me when I put self first. Self First. Now on the flip side, when I put God and others first, all sorts of remarkable things are possible. I came to AA as a 10th grade high school dropout. The men in Alcoholics
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Anonymous believed in me and they would tell me things like, Brad, you can do remarkable things. You're so lucky you got sober. At a young age, I used to hate that. I was the youngest guy I knew in AA. Honestly, I didn't know anybody younger than me. And they used to tell me, you could do so much. You got sober. You're so young. You're so special. I just like hate you guys. I learned today that they were absolutely 100% right. I was blessed to even know there was a solution to my problem at the age I knew there was a solution to my problem. And they would tell me things like, you know, you should go back to school, Brad, and do different things.
Because I came to AA, man, I was incapable of really doing much. And I was a handyman helper. And I would lay tile with a tile layer. A guy owned a company, a guy I met in the rooms. I would kind of hand him tiles. That was my only skill, which is not a bad skill, but it was my only skill. And so the guys in AA believed in me and told me, hey, Brad, you can do remarkable things now that you're sober. You can go back to school. And I give them these lines. You guys understand I'm dyslexic. I got ADHD. I got a learning disability. I can't do school. I'm a dropout. Oh, I never did good in school. They said, well, go get a GED, right?
Because sober guys do miraculous cool things. And so I remember I'm driving to the Adult Education Center, which is here in West Palm Beach, which is a place for folks that, you know, needed help and didn't get a high school diploma. And I'm full of fear. I'm driving there full of fear how I can't do this here. My brain works. I walk in the room and all of a sudden I'm better than all these people. You know, I got a I got a hard time staying right sized. And and I got a I got a I got a I got a GED. Because alcoholics, yeah. And that might not be important to you guys. It's important to me. So these other guys came and they said, you should go back to college. And went back to school, got an associate's degree and, you know, which was impossible for a guy like me, just totally impossible.
Different guys told me I could do remarkable things and you should get a you should go to university and get a bachelor's degree and you would be, you know, that's so special. You should do that. And the guys in A believed in me. And so I just did it, you know. And then some some lunatics said you should get a graduate degree. And, you know, you're you're a guy who's a who's a 10th grade high school dropout and you should get a graduate degree. And I got a master's degree only because the men alcoholics believed to me. No real other reason. I'll get a doctorate. I've offered it. If someone wants to pay for it, I'll get it. I believe you guys. I can do it.
You've proven, you know. You know, I. I'm a high school dropout. I ran a sixty five million dollar organization as the number one guy. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. I sold the organization a year ago and I've been that last year. I've been able to do just whatever I've wanted to do, like professionally and personally. And my life's changed a whole bunch and I just, you know, live a pretty amazing life today. And it's all because I'll call it something that has nothing really nothing to do with me. I'm not a special guy whatsoever. My high school dropout had absolutely nothing going for him. I remember I was getting handcuffed in front of my sister once and she was screaming my face. I wish you weren't my brother. If you went on today to my sister's Facebook, she today is today. It's kind of strange. She put her profile picture of me and her together. No real reason of nothing significant, but there's a picture of me and her in her profile picture. She's my closest friend. I've been married for 20 years, so those girls all ran the course. I met a girl, got married, married 20 years in March.
March 5th will be 20 years. I have two children. My son is hopefully in the shower. I told him to take a shower. He's not in the shower. He's going to be in trouble when I get out. He is 10. My daughter is 13. I could have had kids while drinking. I understand that. I would not be the father or man I am in their life today if I was drinking. I have nothing in the world
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that I have to complain about. I have the closest group of friends possible, guys who would do absolutely anything for me. They say the fellowship alcoholics can be a sufficient substitute for that alcohol condition. I have that today. I didn't always have that. I have the closest group of guys possible. I don't think there's a possible closer. These guys, we share nightly inventories. We do 11-step nightly inventories every night. We share them with each other every single night. We know everything about each other. We're rigorously honest with each other. I have a fantastic sponsor who I bug when things are going really, really bad. He's a fantastic human and a great man. Next week, we are traveling together to Texas to spend some time together. The guys in my support group are just coming with me.
They're just coming with me. I have the opportunity. I'm the Friday night speaker at something roundup somewhere. My sponsor sponsors the Saturday night speaker. We're all going together next weekend. I would not rather be anyplace else in the world than there with them. We're on the world. We're only going to Corpus Christi, Texas. It ain't even like we're going to somewhere fancy, but there's no place else in the world I'd rather be than there with those men.
Alcoholics Anonymous has changed my life. It has made me into a man that was impossible before I got here. I thank you guys so much for the opportunity to speak here today. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I owe it my life. Thank you so much for joining us tonight where you never know what you're going to get. You'll just have to keep coming back. We surely hope to see you here next Thursday. Our special guest is Hugh. I'll tell you guys since you're there. There's a good possibility I won't be chairing next week, but we've started that at Area. He's a trusted service from Area 1. Anytime his name is mentioned or he walks up, we say Hugh and he likes it. So I encourage everyone to do that next week when Hugh shows up. If you like this meeting, please do as Bill Wilson always said, pass it on.
You can help others right from your phone or computer and tell them about this special meeting. Everyone is invited to hang out with us afterwards and the meeting after the meeting, the porch. And Brad, do you have any closing comments and would you please close us out with a prayer of your choice? I have no closing comments. Just appreciate, you know, when COVID hit and we all went to these virtual things. I never knew how, you know, this would all work and I don't do a ton of zooms, but I think it's fantastic that we have the opportunity to connect and have a fellowship virtually. You know, AA started with just two guys and look at us now. So it's pretty cool.
Prayer. I'll just close with the Lord's Prayer. Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. Give us our trespasses so we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not to temptation, but deliver us from evil. For God is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever. Amen. All righty. Thank you. Thank you, Brad.