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[00:00:00.520 – 00:00:01.200] Hi, everybody.

[00:00:01.200 – 00:00:03.080] My name is Jack Nolan, and I’m an alcoholic.

[00:00:03.080 – 00:00:04.250] Hi, Jack.

[00:00:04.250 – 00:00:05.880] I got that part right.

[00:00:05.880 – 00:00:16.960] I want to sincerely thank the committee for asking Rose and I here today

[00:00:16.960 – 00:00:20.040] to share our experience, strength, and hope with you, and I mean that in all sincerity.

[00:00:20.040 – 00:00:25.840] I’m a grateful alcoholic, and I know you hear that, and I’m grateful in big ways and small ways.

[00:00:25.840 – 00:00:30.920] I’ll get into the big ways and why when I get into my story a little.

[00:00:30.920 – 00:00:39.000] But I try to keep my program very simple because I’m a big con man, and I conned myself for so many years, and I lied to myself so many years.

[00:00:39.000 – 00:00:39.920] I try to be direct.

[00:00:39.920 – 00:00:45.640] So this morning when I got up and looked in the mirror, I said, “What are you going to be grateful for today?” And I decided…

[00:00:45.640 – 00:00:46.260] You like the suit?

[00:00:46.260 – 00:00:53.480] I, I’ve seen worse suits on corpses.

[00:00:53.480 – 00:00:53.960] I mean, it’s…

[00:00:53.960 – 00:01:04.540] And, uh, but, you know, what I’m grateful for this morning, I decided, because I like to keep it simple, is that I’m wearing a suit that I’ve never thrown up on.

[00:01:04.540 – 00:01:14.660] Helps, helps keep it where it should be and helps me remember who I am because part of my illness…

[00:01:14.660 – 00:01:16.360] See, I’m a closet alcoholic.

[00:01:16.360 – 00:01:26.520] That lovely lady you heard up here, who incidentally I want to, uh, mention right off, that beautiful, lovely lady I think and, and consider

[00:01:26.520 – 00:01:33.700] as one of the most kind, compassionate, beautiful, and pure sexy, uh, women- …

[00:01:33.700 – 00:01:35.120] 50-year-old women in the world.

[00:01:35.120 – 00:01:46.320] And

[00:01:46.320 – 00:01:48.760] I just want to tell her before I forget, Rose, I love you.

[00:01:48.760 – 00:01:51.360] And I want to thank you for sticking with me.

[00:01:51.360 – 00:01:55.140] I also want to say that that is a lovely lady, and I don’t…

[00:01:55.140 – 00:02:02.340] For all of you in this room who are members of the Al-Anon program, I am not going to refer to her as my alcoholic, because she ain’t my alcoholic.

[00:02:02.340 – 00:02:03.820] I mean, my Al-Anon.

[00:02:03.820 – 00:02:04.230] Pardon me.

[00:02:04.230 – 00:02:11.620] She is a member of the Al-Anon program, and I’m grateful for that, too.

[00:02:11.620 – 00:02:19.440] But, you know, I also want to say that the Al-Anon program and this AA program are programs of great change, and, and Rose explained some of that to you.

[00:02:19.440 – 00:02:22.460] If I, if I sometimes start telling Rose’s story, that’s okay.

[00:02:22.460 – 00:02:25.340] I usually get down to the end where I wanted to get.

[00:02:25.340 – 00:02:28.080] Um, you’ll just have to bear with me.

[00:02:28.080 – 00:02:38.380] And I just wanted to say that, you know, it is a program of great change, and I want to clarify and get the record straight because I’m now going to tell about alcoholism from my standpoint, which is a little bit different, unfortunately.

[00:02:38.380 – 00:02:45.240] And I just want to announce that that beautiful, lovely, sexy lady bears a strong resemblance to an old bat that drove me to drink.

[00:02:45.240 – 00:02:56.800] I

[00:02:56.800 – 00:02:58.600] remember the College Park Group.

[00:02:58.600 – 00:02:59.500] That’s another thing.

[00:02:59.500 – 00:03:04.100] You know, Ed, Ed was talking about the College Park Group.

[00:03:04.100 – 00:03:06.320] Even though he’s no longer with it, we hang in there with you.

[00:03:06.320 – 00:03:07.160] You know, we’re like a…

[00:03:07.160 – 00:03:10.060] Some people say it’s not a group, it’s a state of mind.

[00:03:10.060 – 00:03:16.020] Uh, I’m glad I belong to it because it’s a big book group, and it’s a group that gives you, like Tom L.

[00:03:16.020 – 00:03:17.200] says, that moment of truth.

[00:03:17.200 – 00:03:18.800] Some of us don’t want the moment of truth.

[00:03:18.800 – 00:03:26.820] Uh, it’s important for me, I guess, to talk about what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now, and an easy way to do that is to go back to the beginning.

[00:03:26.820 – 00:03:30.960] We’ve had a number of speakers here that were Yankees and New Englanders, and Rose…

[00:03:30.960 – 00:03:35.400] Uh, we had a around the world or two there last night, and Rose was born in New York.

[00:03:35.400 – 00:03:37.260] But I represent the South.

[00:03:37.260 – 00:03:42.190] I was born in South Philadelphia, and- …

[00:03:42.190 – 00:03:52.120] I don’t know if any of you have ever been in South Philadelphia, but it’s an ethnic working class environment, and it’s mostly, at that time, Irish and Polish and Italians.

[00:03:52.120 – 00:04:02.140] And, uh, I don’t know whether that has anything to do with alcoholism, but it seems like all three of those ethnic groups just sort of accepted alcohol and the use of alcohol as part

[00:04:02.140 – 00:04:02.820] of their lives.

[00:04:02.820 – 00:04:12.860] Maybe it was to relieve the boredom or whatever it was, but it was very common practice in, in South Philadelphia neighborhoods for the man of the house to stop on the way home from work and have what in South Philadelphia

[00:04:12.860 – 00:04:20.600] was a 10 cent treat in those days, Depression times, a shot and a beer, and that’s basically the way alcohol was looked in as I grew up with it.

[00:04:20.600 – 00:04:22.260] I had very loving parents.

[00:04:22.260 – 00:04:28.360] Um, but to tell you a little bit about the ethnic en- ethnic environment, and I have an Irish Catholic background.

[00:04:28.360 – 00:04:30.700] I don’t know if that’s any excuse for being an alcoholic.

[00:04:30.700 – 00:04:31.600] Some people say it is.

[00:04:31.600 – 00:04:33.640] I know it’s no excuse for getting sober.

[00:04:33.640 – 00:04:34.960] I know that.

[00:04:34.960 – 00:04:35.980] I found that out.

[00:04:35.980 – 00:04:44.490] I found that out because my sponsor and a lot of people in this program are Baptists, and I think Baptists make particularly good both alcoholics and recovering alcoholics.

[00:04:44.490 – 00:04:47.320] They have a great program, and they have great natural spirituality.

[00:04:47.320 – 00:04:48.200] They sing loud.

[00:04:48.200 – 00:04:48.760] I like them.

[00:04:48.760 – 00:04:54.620] Uh, I didn’t even know what a WASP was till we moved from South Philly.

[00:04:54.620 – 00:04:57.340] Uh, I didn’t even know there were Protestants in the world.

[00:04:57.340 – 00:05:01.080] But, uh, we came to Washington fairly early.

[00:05:01.080 – 00:05:07.930] My father, right at the height of the Depression, 1931, got an appointment to the government printing office, and, uh, we moved to Washington.

[00:05:07.930 – 00:05:15.900] I had loving parents, and there was nothing in my background or my upbringing that would have given me any excuse to either take a drink or use alcohol as an escape from reality.

[00:05:15.900 – 00:05:17.860] I had a very loving childhood.

[00:05:17.860 – 00:05:21.280] I had very beautiful parents who picked me up and dusted me off.

[00:05:21.280 – 00:05:23.960] The only thing is that my mother was a saint on earth.

[00:05:23.960 – 00:05:24.820] She had had a stroke.

[00:05:24.820 – 00:05:26.060] I have an older sister.

[00:05:26.060 – 00:05:32.820] I’m an only son, and my, uh, mother had had a stroke while carrying my, my sister, and she was paralyzed on her left side.

[00:05:32.820 – 00:05:34.400] She was not supposed to have any more children.

[00:05:34.400 – 00:05:42.560] And early on, she said she was gonna have another child, and it was gonna be a boy, and of course, she had five sisters that thought she was a saint on earth.

[00:05:42.560 – 00:05:48.000] So in a sense, when I was born, I was born at home in Philadelphia.

[00:05:48.000 – 00:05:52.660] Uh, having come out of this saint on earth, uh, I was told I was something special.

[00:05:52.660 – 00:05:53.410] That’s what I, uh…

[00:05:53.410 – 00:05:54.560] the important point.

[00:05:54.560 – 00:06:00.080] I had a little bit of guilt right when I came out of the womb, and, uh, and I was told I was very special.

[00:06:00.080 – 00:06:10.148] And, uh, when you’re Irish, and you’re the only son, and your mother gets her hooks into you, and you’re very special, uh- That’s kind of laying the groundwork for when you put

[00:06:10.148 – 00:06:13.828] alcohol into that package, and I just wanted to give that as background.

[00:06:13.828 – 00:06:21.308] In addition to being afflicted, I think, with the disease of alcoholism, I have what I call a teenage complex.

[00:06:21.308 – 00:06:22.548] I never wanted to grow up.

[00:06:22.548 – 00:06:28.708] It’s what I call my Harold Teen years, and I never really wanted to leave it.

[00:06:28.708 – 00:06:33.128] And I have, I like to say I have a split personality, and this Harold Teen was always there.

[00:06:33.128 – 00:06:38.848] And I kind of bypassed him along the way, but really, I never wanted to grow up.

[00:06:38.848 – 00:06:41.988] I always say that for me, 1946 was a vintage year.

[00:06:41.988 – 00:06:43.728] The Great War was over.

[00:06:43.728 – 00:06:45.787] For those young ones in the room, that was World War II.

[00:06:45.787 – 00:06:49.628] They weren’t shooting anymore.

[00:06:49.628 – 00:06:53.288] And I was a senior in high school, and I was right where I felt I wanted to be.

[00:06:53.288 – 00:06:55.368] I was vice president of the senior class.

[00:06:55.368 – 00:06:57.548] I was a letterman on the basketball team.

[00:06:57.548 – 00:06:59.988] I had the second lead in the senior play.

[00:06:59.988 – 00:07:01.648] I was editor of the yearbook.

[00:07:01.648 – 00:07:05.228] I did a column in the school paper, and I was the cartoonist for it.

[00:07:05.228 – 00:07:10.688] And, you know, the world was my oyster, and I was going steady with a beautiful girl in that school.

[00:07:10.688 – 00:07:13.448] And I didn’t, who wanted to part from that?

[00:07:13.448 – 00:07:14.888] Harold Teen was saying, this is cool.

[00:07:14.888 – 00:07:16.268] Let’s keep this going.

[00:07:16.268 – 00:07:19.068] But unfortunately, June comes, and you graduate.

[00:07:19.068 – 00:07:22.108] And, you know, I just didn’t want to go on.

[00:07:22.108 – 00:07:26.688] You know, my attitude was, where the hell are you going to go when your poet laureate is saying he’s high school?

[00:07:26.688 – 00:07:30.428] You just, you know, you have arrived, and here you are.

[00:07:30.428 – 00:07:36.468] And I think that my problem as I look at my alcoholism, you could really capsulize my alcoholism.

[00:07:36.468 – 00:07:41.188] The other thing I want to mention is that up until that time, I had not poured alcohol into this package yet.

[00:07:41.188 – 00:07:50.108] And as you can see, I had a, you know, an inborn sense of modesty and had no ego problem whatsoever.

[00:07:50.108 – 00:07:55.828] And, you know, hadn’t put alcohol into the package yet.

[00:07:55.828 – 00:07:57.768] But this is what I was shaping up to deliver.

[00:07:57.768 – 00:08:02.268] So, you know, I graduated from school, and they still had the GI Bill.

[00:08:02.268 – 00:08:08.008] You know, they were trying to get the men home from overseas, and so they were taking the rest of us clowns, even though the shooting stopped.

[00:08:08.008 – 00:08:11.768] And we had short enlistments, and they were giving us the benefits of the GI Bill, and that was a good deal.

[00:08:11.768 – 00:08:12.828] So I went into the Army.

[00:08:12.828 – 00:08:16.328] And the gentleman last night talking about the paratroop joke.

[00:08:16.328 – 00:08:17.988] You know, Harold Teen was still there.

[00:08:17.988 – 00:08:25.048] And some recruiting sergeant came by in basic training with a real tight tailored uniform and muscles coming out of his muscles.

[00:08:25.048 – 00:08:31.288] And, you know, crew cut, and he looked great, and he had jump boots on, and they were shined, and he had lanyards and all this stuff.

[00:08:31.288 – 00:08:33.428] And he was giving the pitch for the airborne.

[00:08:33.428 – 00:08:35.868] And, you know, the Harold Teen in me said, that’s great.

[00:08:35.868 – 00:08:36.648] That’s for me.

[00:08:36.648 – 00:08:41.868] You know, I’ll come home on leave with the uniform and the jump boots, and jumping out of airplanes has got to be neat.

[00:08:41.868 – 00:08:44.168] You know, that’s another thing.

[00:08:44.168 – 00:08:51.628] An Army psychiatrist told me once that anybody would voluntarily jump out of an airplane is only 80% sane to begin with.

[00:08:51.628 – 00:08:57.468] So this was this package I was putting together.

[00:08:57.468 – 00:09:07.528] And the first time I used alcohol, when I say I could capsulize my illness in the 27 years that I drank before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, the first time I really put alcohol in my system in

[00:09:07.528 – 00:09:15.728] earnest, I wound up on all fours on the floor, out of control, sick, and not aware of what quite was going on.

[00:09:15.728 – 00:09:24.068] And the last time I drank, that terrible slip that Rose referenced, where I was in my living room floor, on the floor, out of control.

[00:09:24.068 – 00:09:30.948] And, you know, the 27 years in between, as I look on and look at alcoholism, as you told me when I got here, it’s progressive.

[00:09:30.948 – 00:09:34.768] And the only thing was the distance between drunks in that 27 years.

[00:09:34.768 – 00:09:43.948] And the fact that every time I started to drink alcohol and put alcohol in my system, what I really wanted to do was drink until I was down on all fours on the floor.

[00:09:43.948 – 00:09:54.638] But the society I lived in and the responsibilities I took on, despite Harold Teen wanting to avoid them and stay where he was, you know, as I look on my drinking life, every

[00:09:54.638 – 00:09:57.028] time I drank, that’s the way I truly wanted to get.

[00:09:57.028 – 00:10:01.888] And yet the society I lived in and the value system that I established for myself wouldn’t let me do it.

[00:10:01.888 – 00:10:06.108] And that’s what Rose talks about when she talks about that life of quiet desperation.

[00:10:06.108 – 00:10:14.888] It takes a hell of a lot of effort and a hell of a lot of energy when you’re an alcoholic and don’t want to be one each and every time you put alcohol in your system.

[00:10:14.888 – 00:10:24.988] And it’s addressed in the big book, the phenomenon of craving and the doctor’s description of alcoholism, which was good in 1935 when it was written, and it was good for me when I came along to this program.

[00:10:24.988 – 00:10:28.588] It identifies for me what happened when I put this alcohol into me.

[00:10:28.588 – 00:10:30.128] This craving was set off.

[00:10:30.128 – 00:10:32.428] The phenomenon of craving occurred with me.

[00:10:32.428 – 00:10:42.308] And yet I could never recognize it and never accept it and never deal with it because I had the other affliction that goes with the illness of alcoholism all through the 27 years.

[00:10:42.308 – 00:10:43.388] And it’s called denial.

[00:10:43.388 – 00:10:46.808] And our denial system is incredible.

[00:10:46.808 – 00:10:55.168] So it’s important for me also because I’m a retread in this program and couldn’t accept this program the first time through it and had no program to fall back on.

[00:10:55.168 – 00:10:57.328] And I did what is natural for an alcoholic to do.

[00:10:57.328 – 00:11:00.768] I returned to drinking after six months despite all the meetings.

[00:11:00.768 – 00:11:03.928] For me, the denial was very important.

[00:11:03.928 – 00:11:09.308] I was a long time trying to realize why it was that I denied that illness.

[00:11:09.308 – 00:11:14.148] And then it’s written out so well for us in the big book in the third chapter, More About Alcoholism.

[00:11:14.148 – 00:11:22.448] Because it says in there, the idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.

[00:11:22.448 – 00:11:24.668] Every abnormal drinker.

[00:11:24.668 – 00:11:27.988] The persistence of this illusion is astonishing.

[00:11:27.988 – 00:11:31.628] Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

[00:11:31.628 – 00:11:41.638] And, you know, it’s just as important for me to recognize tonight, as I said, that’s why I do those simple things like looking in the mirror and giving myself some little reminder to be grateful, some little

[00:11:41.638 – 00:11:46.088] reminder that I can accept my alcoholism because I denied it for so long.

[00:11:46.088 – 00:11:56.148] And despite the things that were happening to me and some of them being not quite so desperate as some of the things that have happened to some of the people I’ve heard from these podiums and at these meetings, part of my insanity

[00:11:56.148 – 00:11:59.068] is my own ability not to accept my own illness.

[00:11:59.068 – 00:12:07.048] Part of my insanity is the fact that today I still think and sometimes act like an alcoholic because I’ve got a long way to go.

[00:12:07.048 – 00:12:16.828] And I must remember that and I must stay active and I must keep sharing and I must hold my hand out to the other drunk and I must go to meetings and I must be part of this fellowship.

[00:12:16.828 – 00:12:19.444] Because a miracle is Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:12:19.444 – 00:12:21.344] I’m a byproduct of that miracle.

[00:12:21.344 – 00:12:22.944] The miracle’s been here.

[00:12:22.944 – 00:12:26.404] It’s here for each of us, but I have to pick the tools up and use them.

[00:12:26.404 – 00:12:29.094] Because left to my own devices, I’ll return to my illness.

[00:12:29.094 – 00:12:30.964] It’s that simple for me.

[00:12:30.964 – 00:12:41.064] And even though much of my alcoholism, as I say, I’m a closet alcoholic, and I was protected, not only did I lie to myself, but the, the environment I lived in helped me to

[00:12:41.064 – 00:12:42.364] lie to myself.

[00:12:42.364 – 00:12:50.604] The insanity of the illness of two people, Rose and I, living in alcoholism, active alcoholism, at least 15 years, and both of us…

[00:12:50.604 – 00:12:52.384] You know, who wants to live with an alcoholic?

[00:12:52.384 – 00:12:54.064] Who wants to be an alcoholic?

[00:12:54.064 – 00:12:56.184] My boss didn’t want me to be an alcoholic.

[00:12:56.184 – 00:12:57.784] Rose didn’t want me to be an alcoholic.

[00:12:57.784 – 00:12:59.844] My friends didn’t want me to be an alcoholic.

[00:12:59.844 – 00:13:01.564] I didn’t want to be an alcoholic.

[00:13:01.564 – 00:13:08.004] That’s the denial syndrome, the whole system that I lived in and, and the life that I led.

[00:13:08.004 – 00:13:16.704] And the difference was that through the 27 years, my value system started to change, and things that were sacred to me early on were no longer quite as sacred.

[00:13:16.704 – 00:13:21.764] I wanted to be a knight in shining armor in my marriage, and the armor was getting rusty.

[00:13:21.764 – 00:13:24.924] The relationship was breaking down.

[00:13:24.924 – 00:13:27.604] I couldn’t be the knight on a white charger anymore.

[00:13:27.604 – 00:13:32.444] She knew it, and I knew it, and yet neither one of us wanted to admit it.

[00:13:32.444 – 00:13:42.484] And so we lived this life of denial, this life of quiet desperation, putting together day after day of that kind of insane existence that only when you look back on it, only when you’re here

[00:13:42.484 – 00:13:44.724] and through the steps can take an honest look at Jack.

[00:13:44.724 – 00:13:55.264] Only when I was here and I could see that all those years, there was something down deep inside when I was taking on all those adult responsibilities and going through all those phases of what I thought was success,

[00:13:55.264 – 00:14:06.174] taking on those heavy adult responsibilities and escaping into a world of alcoholism when the pressure got too tight, that Harold Teen was still down here saying, “Hey, man, I’m scared.” You

[00:14:06.174 – 00:14:13.304] know, you’ve got the big job, and you got the big house in the suburbs, and you got the kids, and you got the two cars, and you think you’re doing real good, but I’m scared.

[00:14:13.304 – 00:14:19.024] And, you know, we want to run from that, and we never want to accept that other self that’s down deep inside.

[00:14:19.024 – 00:14:26.964] And it’s only through the steps of the program, God bless them, that we’re forced to do those things we wouldn’t do, and now I can accept Jack as Jack is, and isn’t that beautiful?

[00:14:26.964 – 00:14:31.464] And Harold Teen’s still there, but I can talk with him better, and I can say, “That’s okay, Harold.

[00:14:31.464 – 00:14:35.504] Everything’s going to be all right.” That’s a great thing for me.

[00:14:35.504 – 00:14:44.244] You know, we talk in the second step, you know, about coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, and I had a little trouble with that when I first got here.

[00:14:44.244 – 00:14:46.384] I had trouble with the first step, too, the first time through.

[00:14:46.384 – 00:14:49.304] But this second step in particular, you know…

[00:14:49.304 – 00:14:59.384] That first time I drank, for example, uh, I remember, uh, I had gone into the paratroops, as I said, and, and, you know,

[00:14:59.384 – 00:15:10.084] the, the, I’d made the jumps, the training jumps, and one Saturday afternoon, this colonel came down the line down at Fort Benning, Georgia, and pinned these wings on me and shook my hand and said, “Congratulations,

[00:15:10.084 – 00:15:10.424] son.

[00:15:10.424 – 00:15:16.224] You’re the toughest soldier in the world.” And I was as tall as I am now, and I weighed 128 pounds, soaking wet.

[00:15:16.224 – 00:15:19.864] And I rattled when I walked.

[00:15:19.864 – 00:15:27.384] And they gave us a 48-hour pass, and we went over to a town called Phenix City, Alabama.

[00:15:27.384 – 00:15:28.074] You may have heard of it.

[00:15:28.074 – 00:15:30.424] It was on limits at that time.

[00:15:30.424 – 00:15:35.504] We went to a delightful and high-class place called Beachy Howard’s Barn Dance Café.

[00:15:35.504 – 00:15:38.924] And Steakhouse.

[00:15:38.924 – 00:15:47.444] And I got to order of french fries and a six-pack.

[00:15:47.444 – 00:15:57.704] And, uh, a four-foot-eight Marine home on leave from Parris Island wiped me out with one punch.

[00:15:57.704 – 00:16:04.244] And I was the toughest soldier in the world, down on the floor.

[00:16:04.244 – 00:16:08.284] Having consumed the six-pack and throwing up.

[00:16:08.284 – 00:16:18.584] And, uh, now, one of the other things that happened to me in high school was a nun who tested us, you know, for our college aptitude,

[00:16:18.584 – 00:16:22.504] made the mistake of telling me I was in the upper 2% of the population IQ-wise.

[00:16:22.504 – 00:16:25.424] And, you know, I thought that gave me another lock on life.

[00:16:25.424 – 00:16:30.024] And, uh, you know, I was no dumbbell in that occasion in Phenix City.

[00:16:30.024 – 00:16:31.124] I learned a lot from that.

[00:16:31.124 – 00:16:32.164] I really did.

[00:16:32.164 – 00:16:35.844] I learned that, uh, that I should avoid Marines.

[00:16:35.844 – 00:16:39.444] Like the plague.

[00:16:39.444 – 00:16:44.224] I, for the balance of my enlistment, I didn’t even go in towns that Marines were known to be near.

[00:16:44.224 – 00:16:53.624] Uh, I learned that I was not necessarily the toughest soldier in the world, maybe the second toughest, and I’d just run into this other guy.

[00:16:53.624 – 00:16:58.364] Uh, the third thing I learned was that maybe that colonel was lying a little.

[00:16:58.364 – 00:17:08.464] And the fourth thing I learned was that, uh, uh, you know, that, uh, Clatterbuck was not a funny name in Phenix City, Alabama, Chattahoochee

[00:17:08.464 – 00:17:08.864] County.

[00:17:08.864 – 00:17:12.804] And there were a lot of other Clatterbucks behind that little four-foot-eight Marine.

[00:17:12.804 – 00:17:16.544] And, uh, but I didn’t learn anything about alcoholism.

[00:17:16.544 – 00:17:21.164] And I really think that for the next 27 years, I learned very little about alcoholism.

[00:17:21.164 – 00:17:25.764] I thought I knew a lot about alcoholism, but I knew nothing until I found you.

[00:17:25.764 – 00:17:35.924] The second step, when we talk about this sanity, you know, sanity, basically, if you really read the big book close, talks about soundness of mind, soundness of judgment, and sound

[00:17:35.924 – 00:17:36.944] decision-making.

[00:17:36.944 – 00:17:43.564] And I’m not going to go into a whole lot of detail about the various stages that I went through once I found Rose.

[00:17:43.564 – 00:17:49.964] My mother died, incidentally, right after I got out of the service, and she was, of course, a fixation for me and something that I needed very much.

[00:17:49.964 – 00:17:53.044] And, and I always like to say I was born married.

[00:17:53.044 – 00:17:57.764] They took me into church and christened me, brought me out, and took me right back in, and Rose and I got married.

[00:17:57.764 – 00:17:59.944] That’s- …

[00:17:59.944 – 00:18:00.864] about the way it seemed.

[00:18:00.864 – 00:18:07.444] But, you know, I, I transferred over to Rose this dependency that I had on my mother, and, you know, Harold Teen needed a lot of strokes.

[00:18:07.444 – 00:18:16.544] And fortunately, especially in the early years, we had a, when the alcoholism was not too much in evidence, we, we really, we really had a delightful marriage.

[00:18:16.544 – 00:18:20.344] That’s the beautiful thing, as Rose explained to you, about this program.

[00:18:20.344 – 00:18:29.904] I, you know, I, I have been enabled through this program, uh, whatever it is that the programs, the joint programs do in our recovery, to fall in love with this lady all over again.

[00:18:29.904 – 00:18:30.584] It’s beautiful.

[00:18:30.584 – 00:18:34.584] It’s, it’s remarkable, and I’m grateful for it.

[00:18:34.584 – 00:18:39.584] I’m grateful ’cause, because of the family aspects of this illness and what this program has done for my children.

[00:18:39.584 – 00:18:40.704] My cup overfloweth.

[00:18:40.704 – 00:18:47.104] That’s why when I said I was grateful to have an opportunity to explain it, I do really think it’s a privilege to be able to share it.

[00:18:47.104 – 00:18:50.744] And, uh, perhaps others can take some hope from it.

[00:18:50.744 – 00:18:52.184] It is a beautiful thing.

[00:18:52.184 – 00:19:01.744] But when I talk about the insane things I did when I drank, uh, you know, and being a closet alcoholic, and my story being very dull and routine, that’s the kind of drunk I was.

[00:19:01.744 – 00:19:04.284] I, you know, I was the guy that came home at night, eventually.

[00:19:04.284 – 00:19:09.764] Uh, usually three sheets to the wind, and I was always the one that had to have another drink.

[00:19:09.764 – 00:19:12.844] You know, I was the, what I call, I had the night table syndrome.

[00:19:12.844 – 00:19:14.324] I don’t know whether any of you can relate to that.

[00:19:14.324 – 00:19:20.544] It didn’t make any difference how late I was out, or when I got home, or if we’d been to someone’s house after a party and had breakfast.

[00:19:20.544 – 00:19:23.264] That was another thing I could never understand about normal drinkers.

[00:19:23.264 – 00:19:30.144] They go out and have a big party and get right to that glow stage, you know, and then they want to go have breakfast and spoil it all.

[00:19:30.144 – 00:19:34.584] Especially if you have a tendency to throw up breakfast.

[00:19:34.584 – 00:19:38.224] That was another thing I did well.

[00:19:38.224 – 00:19:41.424] I threw up well.

[00:19:41.424 – 00:19:42.124] I really…

[00:19:42.124 – 00:19:44.774] I think I developed good stomach muscle.

[00:19:44.774 – 00:19:47.484] I wanted to get some distance between me and what I was throwing up.

[00:19:47.484 – 00:19:50.464] If you do it regular, it’s a great relief.

[00:19:50.464 – 00:19:56.574] Kind of, the, the ancient Romans discovered that, to excess.

[00:19:57.015 – 00:20:07.265] But the same, you know, the insane things when I look back on my drinking were just routine kinds of things that when we start to lie and change our standards, you

[00:20:07.265 – 00:20:08.955] know, I was the con and I conned me.

[00:20:08.955 – 00:20:18.975] You know, when, when we say about lying, and, and, and here’s a word for the Al-Anons in the room, when that alcoholic told you, you know, all those things that you remember when he was gonna be different, we did believe it was

[00:20:18.975 – 00:20:19.675] gonna be different.

[00:20:19.675 – 00:20:26.615] You know, it’s tough when you’re an alcoholic and you have to live with that guilt, what you weren’t able to do and keep the promises you wanted to keep.

[00:20:26.615 – 00:20:29.595] You know, we don’t really intend not to keep them.

[00:20:29.595 – 00:20:33.054] We mean it, or at least we mean it ain’t gonna be as bad next time.

[00:20:33.054 – 00:20:41.555] And, you know, a lot of the early stages of my alcoholism with the family relationship, we were able to make up these periods of hot and cold, you know.

[00:20:41.555 – 00:20:43.755] And the making up was good.

[00:20:43.755 – 00:20:48.395] And, uh, but what eventually happens is, you know, that human relationship breaks down.

[00:20:48.395 – 00:20:52.195] Alcohol takes over, and we no longer care about the making up.

[00:20:52.195 – 00:20:54.065] And that’s when we go into that quiet time.

[00:20:54.065 – 00:20:58.015] And Rose explained she went into these blue funks, which for an alcoholic is great.

[00:20:58.015 – 00:20:59.535] Who the hell wants to go home to that?

[00:20:59.535 – 00:21:02.255] So you spend two weeks, you know, you’re on the…

[00:21:02.255 – 00:21:07.315] You know the blue funk’s gonna last two weeks or three, and that’s gonna be the open invitation to stay out and drink.

[00:21:07.315 – 00:21:11.235] The problem was that as I progressed in the illness, I was getting in trouble when I’d drink.

[00:21:11.235 – 00:21:15.395] And then again, she gave me the, what for an alcoholic is an ideal invitation.

[00:21:15.395 – 00:21:24.835] She says, “You’re getting in trouble, and you’re putting dents in strange places in the car, and you’ve been stopped twice even though you haven’t been charged for driving while intoxicated.

[00:21:24.835 – 00:21:30.955] Maybe you ought to come home and drink.” And that’s an invitation to an alcoholic ’cause you feel safe.

[00:21:30.955 – 00:21:32.585] You know, you’re no longer being criticized.

[00:21:32.585 – 00:21:33.335] And that’s…

[00:21:33.335 – 00:21:42.155] The last five years of my alcoholism, that’s the way I drank ’cause I was getting in trouble in the joints, and people no longer understood me, and I did all the rationalizing that the alcohol- active alcoholic does.

[00:21:42.155 – 00:21:42.825] This is what I’m talking…

[00:21:42.825 – 00:21:45.095] It takes a lot of effort to be a practicing alcoholic.

[00:21:45.095 – 00:21:50.655] And these insane things I did, you know, I went through my joining stage, very active in everything.

[00:21:50.655 – 00:21:55.175] Everything I could think of joining, I’d join because it was an excuse for getting out of the house at that stage.

[00:21:55.175 – 00:21:57.475] And I needed excuses to get out of the house.

[00:21:57.475 – 00:22:07.055] ‘Cause it had gotten to the stage where we had discussed that part of my alcoholism where, you know, she would have to say, “Do you have to be out every night?” And I’d say, “No,” you know, I really, honestly didn’t.

[00:22:07.055 – 00:22:09.695] So I started joining all these things, so I would have to be out every night.

[00:22:09.695 – 00:22:16.795] KFC, and I became president of the Holy Name in the parish, and we used to have a lot of committee meetings.

[00:22:16.795 – 00:22:19.514] Man, that Catholicism damn near killed me.

[00:22:19.514 – 00:22:20.685] I Mm.

[00:22:20.685 – 00:22:21.535] Mm.

[00:22:21.535 – 00:22:31.535] I remember that when I joined, when I became president of the Holy Name, that was one of the fundraisers in the parish, as

[00:22:31.535 – 00:22:32.015] it was.

[00:22:32.015 – 00:22:35.775] And I remember I discovered to my horror that they’d only turned…

[00:22:35.775 – 00:22:40.915] The president of the Holy Name had only turned over $212 the year before to the parish, and I thought I’ll change that.

[00:22:40.915 – 00:22:51.075] Man, when I was president of the Holy Name, we had two spaghetti dinner dances, a night at the races, uh, several raffles, two or three other things, a CYO

[00:22:51.075 – 00:22:56.115] fundraiser, and we always had committee meetings for these things, and then we had a party afterwards for the workers.

[00:22:56.115 – 00:22:58.315] You know, it was always nice.

[00:22:58.315 – 00:23:02.975] The end of the year came, and I turned over $186 to the pastor.

[00:23:02.975 – 00:23:09.375] Very shocked to find out he didn’t want me to serve another term.

[00:23:09.375 – 00:23:17.375] So then, then I, then I got into the home and school, which is a parochial school equivalent of the PTA.

[00:23:17.375 – 00:23:17.935] And Mary B.

[00:23:17.935 – 00:23:19.175] will probably relate to this.

[00:23:19.175 – 00:23:22.174] We had a meeting come up one time when they were…

[00:23:22.174 – 00:23:28.695] at the time I was president, and I had to lead it when there were 1,200 people in the hall, and sex education was the subject.

[00:23:28.695 – 00:23:32.755] And everybody knew that was gonna be a barn burner ’cause there were pros and cons.

[00:23:32.755 – 00:23:34.355] There were liberals and conservatives.

[00:23:34.355 – 00:23:38.495] And, you know, if you’re gonna lead a meeting like that, you got to gird up for that, mm-hmm.

[00:23:38.495 – 00:23:48.335] And by that time, I had discovered the martini, and I used the martini to gird for that one, and everybody told me afterward what a remarkably fine meeting it was.

[00:23:48.335 – 00:23:49.595] There was a fistfight in front.

[00:23:49.595 – 00:23:50.535] I didn’t even notice it.

[00:23:50.535 – 00:23:56.635] Uh, things stayed reasonably under control.

[00:23:56.635 – 00:24:01.495] And the reason I think the meeting was so successful was I don’t remember a thing about it.

[00:24:01.495 – 00:24:04.475] I, I led the meeting in a blackout.

[00:24:04.475 – 00:24:08.115] I didn’t know what a blackout was, but I got through it.

[00:24:08.115 – 00:24:11.315] And, you know, those, these are the kind of insane things we do.

[00:24:11.315 – 00:24:13.765] You know, Rose used to say, “We’re going to a party tonight.

[00:24:13.765 – 00:24:14.605] It’s gonna be a dance.

[00:24:14.605 – 00:24:17.055] There’s gonna be plenty to drink, so don’t, don’t start…

[00:24:17.055 – 00:24:21.905] You know, stay in good shape.” You know, what is it, what is it when someone says that to an alcoholic?

[00:24:21.905 – 00:24:23.295] It’s like throwing down the gauntlet.

[00:24:23.295 – 00:24:31.275] And then you say to yourself, “What does she mean pace yourself?” So what you do, you know, I say, “All right.

[00:24:31.275 – 00:24:40.995] I won’t take a drink until after my shower.” Now, the dance starts at 8:30, and I take a shower at 2 o’clock in the afternoon.

[00:24:40.995 – 00:24:47.615] Sometimes, sometimes never made the party at all.

[00:24:47.615 – 00:24:48.195] You know, this…

[00:24:48.195 – 00:24:51.035] You talk about doing insane thing.

[00:24:51.035 – 00:24:51.235] I…

[00:24:51.235 – 00:24:53.075] Did you ever water your own whiskey?

[00:24:53.075 – 00:24:54.195] Huh?

[00:24:54.195 – 00:24:54.935] Dry down.

[00:24:54.935 – 00:24:58.295] I won a case of whiskey one time at, I don’t know what firehouse it is.

[00:24:58.295 – 00:24:59.995] I always get it wrong, Berwyn or one of them.

[00:24:59.995 – 00:25:02.655] And they delivered it early.

[00:25:02.655 – 00:25:04.715] It was around right after Thanksgiving.

[00:25:04.715 – 00:25:06.245] And, you know, Rose looked at the whiskey.

[00:25:06.245 – 00:25:12.355] And I was working nights then in the printing business for a newspaper, and we used to throw an annual Christmas party.

[00:25:12.355 – 00:25:12.915] It was the only time…

[00:25:12.915 – 00:25:14.955] Because I worked nights, the only time we got to see our friends.

[00:25:14.955 – 00:25:17.565] And Rose laid one, another one on the alcoholic.

[00:25:17.565 – 00:25:20.895] She said, “You know, we always have to buy a lot of booze for the party.

[00:25:20.895 – 00:25:22.835] This will save us a little money.

[00:25:22.835 – 00:25:25.195] Why don’t you see if you can make that last?” You know.

[00:25:25.195 – 00:25:29.935] Again, you know, if she just said, “You know, it’s nice you won a whiskey.

[00:25:29.935 – 00:25:31.835] We can use it for the party,” I might have let it slide.

[00:25:31.835 – 00:25:34.495] But, you know, make it last.

[00:25:34.495 – 00:25:35.535] But you know what happens?

[00:25:35.535 – 00:25:42.055] I started working on the whiskey, and, you know, sometimes we sit there, and I lied to myself for so long, I didn’t think I drank abnormally.

[00:25:42.055 – 00:25:50.335] And one night I was working on about the third fifth of this Old Grand-Dad, and I looked at the bottle, and just in that evening, I was down to about the last quarter of the bottle.

[00:25:50.335 – 00:25:54.335] I thought, “My God, you know, I really hit that one heavy.” Well, this was an exceptional time.

[00:25:54.335 – 00:25:57.975] So I figured I better not let her see that, and I filled that…

[00:25:57.975 – 00:26:04.767] I poured some more in it from another bottle and watered both bottles up, put the seal- Put the seals back on very carefully.

[00:26:04.767 – 00:26:14.667] And, you know, between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, I mean Christmas, working on that booze, I, I opened them all, and I didn’t know how far I drank one down and which one was water.

[00:26:14.667 – 00:26:22.067] But it looked like only one bottle had been drunk.

[00:26:22.067 – 00:26:26.187] So we threw this big party, and everybody came over, a whole host of people.

[00:26:26.187 – 00:26:29.726] And after they left, Rose turned to me and says, “That was remarkable.

[00:26:29.726 – 00:26:33.267] All those bourbon drinkers, and they drank all that booze, and none of them…

[00:26:33.267 – 00:26:41.347] They were really in good shape.” And I thought to myself, “A lot of them left early.

[00:26:41.347 – 00:26:51.407] They went to get a drink.” But, you know, I justified

[00:26:51.407 – 00:26:51.567] that.

[00:26:51.567 – 00:26:53.367] I said, “I’m the host with the most,” you know.

[00:26:53.367 – 00:26:57.137] “They come to my house, and I treat them…” You know, you justify, you rationalize.

[00:26:57.137 – 00:26:58.867] The value system changes.

[00:26:58.867 – 00:27:04.967] The worst one of all, you talk about effort that we put into trying to pretend.

[00:27:04.967 – 00:27:16.007] Where she really got me was on the crook finger, and she used to say, “I can tell when you’ve been drinking because you slur your words.” And I thought to myself, “Slur my words?

[00:27:16.007 – 00:27:16.367] Me?

[00:27:16.367 – 00:27:18.447] Erudite John,” you know.

[00:27:18.447 – 00:27:21.487] And so I’m downtown one night.

[00:27:21.487 – 00:27:23.647] I was going through my trencherman stage then.

[00:27:23.647 – 00:27:27.926] I sought advice from a bunch of wise people, like most alcoholics do, bartenders and…

[00:27:27.926 – 00:27:30.926] I went for counsel to my group.

[00:27:30.926 – 00:27:41.087] A bunch of trenchermen hung around a place called the Embers, which happened to be the building where I worked, because by this time, her blue funk stage was getting frequent, and I didn’t know what nights I’d be downtown and what nights

[00:27:41.087 – 00:27:41.887] I’d be coming home.

[00:27:41.887 – 00:27:44.327] And I always had to have a base to operate from, you know.

[00:27:44.327 – 00:27:46.707] Sometimes I’d tap out and have the bar 10 to 20.

[00:27:46.707 – 00:27:49.707] So I hung around with this bunch of trenchermen, you know.

[00:27:49.707 – 00:27:51.247] That’s another thing that’s worth mentioning.

[00:27:51.247 – 00:27:58.007] You know, I’ve heard people say they used to go into the bars at 6:00 in the evening, and they always knew something was wrong because 2:00 came, they were the only one left.

[00:27:58.007 – 00:27:59.187] I didn’t do that.

[00:27:59.187 – 00:28:05.627] I surrounded myself with other fellows who drank the way I was, you know, ’cause I needed reinforcement.

[00:28:05.627 – 00:28:11.707] Plus, I was blacking out, and I couldn’t remember whether I had a good time the night before, and I wanted to ask somebody how it went.

[00:28:11.707 – 00:28:21.067] And, um, but anyhow, you know, uh, I got among these trenchermen and getting, you know, condolences from them, and I went into this slurred word business.

[00:28:21.067 – 00:28:23.367] And so I got good advice from one of these guys next to me.

[00:28:23.367 – 00:28:26.987] He said, “You ought to go home right now and lay a tongue twister on her.

[00:28:26.987 – 00:28:30.527] That’s what you ought to do.” That seemed to make sense.

[00:28:30.527 – 00:28:38.347] You know, two adult, almost 50-year-old males, whatever it was, down there talking about a subject like that after they’re both three sheets to the wind.

[00:28:38.347 – 00:28:42.487] By this time, it’s 10:30, and the bartender’s probably hoping we’ll both get the hell out of there.

[00:28:42.487 – 00:28:47.007] So I got in my car, and I drove home, and I thought, “Now, when I go in, I’ll say, ‘Good evening.

[00:28:47.007 – 00:28:57.387] I was going to go to the Knights of Columbus tonight and shoot a little pool,’ but shooting pool was not in my repertoire.” Now

[00:28:57.387 – 00:29:07.547] here’s a, you know, an otherwise supposedly sane human being, adult in the world, you know, with a big job downtown, going home to the suburbs to convince a wife who’s been living with an active

[00:29:07.547 – 00:29:14.027] alcoholic for a number of years that he can say this thing straight, come in at 10:30, and everything’s okay, and he’s not an alcoholic.

[00:29:14.027 – 00:29:19.127] Now, that’s the kind of, you know, that’s, to me, that’s insane thinking today, but then it seemed perfectly normal.

[00:29:19.127 – 00:29:22.107] So I’m rehearsing this all the way home, almost got in an accident.

[00:29:22.107 – 00:29:23.497] I’m conscious.

[00:29:23.497 – 00:29:24.967] I’m saying, “Now, man, don’t blow it.

[00:29:24.967 – 00:29:32.307] Reper- repertoire.” Parked the car, and I said, “Think, man.

[00:29:32.307 – 00:29:33.047] Concentrate.

[00:29:33.047 – 00:29:37.227] Pull it off.” Up the walk straight, and I’m walking up the walk, and I’m looking down.

[00:29:37.227 – 00:29:38.187] I’m concentrating.

[00:29:38.187 – 00:29:40.667] Knights of Columbus, pool, repertoire.

[00:29:40.667 – 00:29:44.587] I knock on the door, and the door opens, and I’m looking at some guy I never laid eyes on in my life.

[00:29:44.587 – 00:29:51.287] Didn’t know what to say.

[00:29:51.287 – 00:29:55.827] I just said, “Oh, uh,” and, you know, I thought I was going to act like I was selling Encyclopedia Britannica or something.

[00:29:55.827 – 00:29:58.027] I just turn around and walk down the walk.

[00:29:58.027 – 00:30:02.187] I was not only not in University Park, I was in Berwyn.

[00:30:02.187 – 00:30:13.427] But, you know, I rationalized that, and I said to myself immediately upon getting in the car, “Damn, I need a drink.” I

[00:30:13.427 – 00:30:15.187] went to the Knights of Columbus and shot pool.

[00:30:15.187 – 00:30:20.407] I…

[00:30:20.407 – 00:30:21.787] Routine insanity, you know.

[00:30:21.787 – 00:30:24.697] I can laugh at it because this program has given me the ability.

[00:30:24.697 – 00:30:27.807] You know, I used to get away with things.

[00:30:27.807 – 00:30:31.787] I, I’d get stopped by cops, and I don’t know what it is about a drunk in those days.

[00:30:31.787 – 00:30:33.027] Now they charge you with DUI.

[00:30:33.027 – 00:30:35.807] I know a guy that I worked with a number of times.

[00:30:35.807 – 00:30:38.007] The only three times he drank in five years.

[00:30:38.007 – 00:30:43.757] Turned me loose, but I got to become Clarence Darrow, defending my, my constitutional rights.

[00:30:43.757 – 00:30:45.367] And I’m telling the…

[00:30:45.367 – 00:30:48.747] Finally, I say, “Sergeant, you can’t arrest me in an unmarked car.

[00:30:48.747 – 00:30:54.267] That’s a violation of my constitutional rights.” And he says, “Be quiet.” You know.

[00:30:54.267 – 00:31:00.927] Again, to the alcoholic, I got louder, and then pretty soon I’m espousing legal theory.

[00:31:00.927 – 00:31:03.157] You know, uh, what’s the expression?

[00:31:03.157 – 00:31:03.987] Craphouse lawyer.

[00:31:03.987 – 00:31:06.207] And the next thing I know, I’m in a cell.

[00:31:06.207 – 00:31:09.587] Now, you know, I talked myself into the cell.

[00:31:09.587 – 00:31:12.367] Up until that point, I was doing fine.

[00:31:12.367 – 00:31:13.247] What is it about us?

[00:31:13.247 – 00:31:14.147] You know, the mouth.

[00:31:14.147 – 00:31:16.327] The mouth, by this time, was getting me in trouble in the joints.

[00:31:16.327 – 00:31:17.927] People were getting to punch me out.

[00:31:17.927 – 00:31:20.187] You know, it was the same old argument.

[00:31:20.187 – 00:31:23.967] I wasn’t the toughest soldier in the world, and, and I didn’t fight well.

[00:31:23.967 – 00:31:24.887] I really didn’t.

[00:31:24.887 – 00:31:27.197] Bit of a pushover there.

[00:31:27.197 – 00:31:30.907] But, you know, the whole point of this is we talk ourselves into…

[00:31:30.907 – 00:31:36.497] My tongue got me in deep, deep trouble, and, uh, I’ll get into that in, when I talk about the amends steps.

[00:31:36.497 – 00:31:39.327] But, you know, that was the first time, I think.

[00:31:39.327 – 00:31:40.567] I called Rose from…

[00:31:40.567 – 00:31:42.307] They let me out of the cell to make one phone call.

[00:31:42.307 – 00:31:43.967] And you know what I said.

[00:31:43.967 – 00:31:51.287] I said, “You got to come down here and get me out of here.” And that was, I think, for her, the first flashes of what was later to be the Al-Anon program.

[00:31:51.287 – 00:31:53.047] She released me with love.

[00:31:53.047 – 00:32:09.295] She said, “I hope they keep your ass for a week.” So,

[00:32:09.295 – 00:32:15.035] you know, the, those are some instances throughout this drinking, you know, and the lying.

[00:32:15.035 – 00:32:15.885] Good gracious.

[00:32:15.885 – 00:32:25.935] I remember I went through a stage in my joining stage when I was president of a, of a outfit called the Franklin Text Society, and you know, it was a very prestigious government

[00:32:25.935 – 00:32:30.395] group of printing officers, and I was president of this outfit for whatever reason.

[00:32:30.395 – 00:32:38.495] And we used to have parties put on by suppliers, and, you know, they’d exhibit their products or give a sales pitch.

[00:32:38.495 – 00:32:39.735] And they always had…

[00:32:39.735 – 00:32:41.355] You know, printers are trenchermen.

[00:32:41.355 – 00:32:48.095] I don’t know whether you know that or not, and, uh, they like to drink a little, like to hoist a few, I guess, from Ben Franklin on down.

[00:32:48.095 – 00:32:51.215] But anyhow, they used to put these things on.

[00:32:51.215 – 00:32:53.695] But, you know, this is where you lie to yourself.

[00:32:53.695 – 00:32:59.055] They would always have a couple of bars, and because printers are very thirsty types, they usually have two or three.

[00:32:59.055 – 00:33:02.735] There was never any long wait, is what I’m trying to say, and we always had a long cocktail hour.

[00:33:02.735 – 00:33:05.015] Sometimes we would never get to the meeting.

[00:33:05.015 – 00:33:10.395] And, uh, but I was president of this thing, and I figured because I was president, I had to put on a good public face.

[00:33:10.395 – 00:33:11.474] And I remember…

[00:33:11.474 – 00:33:15.135] You talk about the insanity of the illness and lying to yourself.

[00:33:15.135 – 00:33:23.615] I would go to these things for the length of time I was president, and like I say, you know, the society I lived in didn’t tolerate falling down drunks like I really wanted to be.

[00:33:23.615 – 00:33:32.245] But what I would do is I would get a, a weak highball, and I would walk around sipping it because I had to make a nice impression.

[00:33:32.245 – 00:33:42.335] And before I got there, uh, before the meeting started, I would take a pint and put it behind a commode in the men’s room, and then I would go back into the men’s room and take big

[00:33:42.335 – 00:33:47.895] swigs out of that pint because that’s the way I really wanted to drink, but I couldn’t drink like that out there because I didn’t want those people to see me drinking that way.

[00:33:47.895 – 00:33:49.455] To me, that’s insanity.

[00:33:49.455 – 00:33:59.915] Most of all, it was lying to me, and it never occurred to me to stop and think there was something abnormal about drinking that way because I was lying most of all to myself.

[00:33:59.915 – 00:34:02.855] The denial, the loneliness.

[00:34:02.855 – 00:34:13.055] You know, one of the other reasons I stopped going to the joints and coming home was I really wanted to drink alone because the last, the last five years I drank, when I’d go to a crowded cocktail party,

[00:34:13.055 – 00:34:14.315] I was totally alone in that room.

[00:34:14.315 – 00:34:17.015] There could be people around me, and I was alone.

[00:34:17.015 – 00:34:23.775] Because this part of the disease and the illness had started to settle in on me where I was unique, where nobody understood me.

[00:34:23.775 – 00:34:32.974] I wasn’t understood at home, and people didn’t any longer understand me, and people were getting in arguments with me because they didn’t understand me, and I crawled into that shell that we all crawl in.

[00:34:32.974 – 00:34:35.155] Some of us go to skid row with it.

[00:34:35.155 – 00:34:39.995] Some of us go to a penthouse with it and lock the doors, but it’s the same for all of us.

[00:34:39.995 – 00:34:46.195] And I discovered that when I got to this fellowship and started really listening to what the people were saying when they told their stories.

[00:34:46.195 – 00:34:47.795] I could relate to the skid row bum.

[00:34:47.795 – 00:34:55.895] I could relate to that closet alcoholic lady, the housewife, because she was a gin freak maybe and because her feelings were just like me.

[00:34:55.895 – 00:34:57.495] How important those feelings were.

[00:34:57.495 – 00:34:59.895] How important it is to remember that fear.

[00:34:59.895 – 00:35:10.015] That’s what I want to remember today, the fear that I had when I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, the helplessness and the hopelessness, even though I had all these surface things

[00:35:10.015 – 00:35:14.475] rotating around, and that quiet desperation that Rose talked about, trying to keep it all together.

[00:35:14.475 – 00:35:16.835] I don’t ever want to forget that.

[00:35:16.835 – 00:35:20.715] But the crisis came, as Rose explained, on that Easter Sunday when…

[00:35:20.715 – 00:35:22.715] And I was full of rage.

[00:35:22.715 – 00:35:25.935] There are two times in my life when I’ve been so consumed by rage.

[00:35:25.935 – 00:35:36.275] One was that Easter Sunday evening when I stormed out of the house, and the other time was that time Rose talked about when I was down on all fours after that slip on October twenty-seventh,

[00:35:36.275 – 00:35:37.915] nineteen seventy-two.

[00:35:37.915 – 00:35:46.075] And that rage was so intense and so real that the only explanation I have to you is the only person that could have removed it was God as I understand him.

[00:35:46.075 – 00:35:49.355] There is no other way, no other explanation.

[00:35:49.355 – 00:35:51.275] But I stormed out of the house that night.

[00:35:51.275 – 00:35:56.395] I don’t even remember what it was that started the argument, but I was incensed, and I was convinced.

[00:35:56.395 – 00:35:57.975] I was so positive I was right.

[00:35:57.975 – 00:36:01.375] You know how right the alcoholic can be, how sure we are we’re right?

[00:36:01.375 – 00:36:09.935] And I stormed out of the house intending to go see that lawyer who was one of the trenchermen who hung around that place I had mentioned.

[00:36:09.935 – 00:36:13.474] You know, that’s remarkable to me that, that I went…

[00:36:13.474 – 00:36:23.885] You know, the, the thing that in my mind that day when I stormed out of the house, and the next morning when I got up, I was still full of rage, still positive I was right, still wanting to get that,

[00:36:23.885 – 00:36:26.995] that woman off my back because she didn’t understand me.

[00:36:26.995 – 00:36:32.755] You know, I was about to throw away and destroy the one last relationship that really mattered.

[00:36:32.755 – 00:36:33.835] I was that close.

[00:36:33.835 – 00:36:42.915] Standing here today, I can only be grateful to God as I understand him that, that it went the other way and that God had answered my prayers.

[00:36:42.915 – 00:36:45.195] See, I said a lot of prayers in those days.

[00:36:45.195 – 00:36:45.955] Rose talked about it.

[00:36:45.955 – 00:36:51.155] I went to church a lot of Saturday afternoons drunk because I knew something was wrong and because this…

[00:36:51.155 – 00:36:54.815] I didn’t understand what had happened in this great human relationship that I’d had.

[00:36:54.815 – 00:36:56.595] I was powerless to understand it.

[00:36:56.595 – 00:37:04.995] I was powerless to deal with it, but I knew something in me would tell me, “Go pray on it.” And you know, my attitude about praying to God was it always had to be in a church.

[00:37:04.995 – 00:37:08.035] It always had to be somewhere where there were, like, stained glass windows or something.

[00:37:08.035 – 00:37:14.855] I didn’t know that the beautiful thing I discovered in this fellowship is that I don’t find God in stained glass windows.

[00:37:14.855 – 00:37:22.195] I find him by looking in the eyes of the people looking at the stained glass windows through this fellowship.

[00:37:22.195 – 00:37:24.415] I find God in your eyes, for me.

[00:37:24.415 – 00:37:26.115] I found that in this program.

[00:37:26.115 – 00:37:29.275] Different attitude about God as I understand him.

[00:37:29.275 – 00:37:36.595] But, you know, those prayers I used to say in a drunken rage and the tears rolling down my cheek and making demands on God, they were answered.

[00:37:36.595 – 00:37:46.635] Because I got up that morning fully intending to go see this lawyer who was one of the trenchermen, because this group of trenchermen that I explained, that I went to and sought expert advice, uh, three

[00:37:46.635 – 00:37:49.875] of them had had problems at home and had gotten divorces at the same time.

[00:37:49.875 – 00:37:54.015] And this lawyer, who was another one of the trenchermen, gave them a group rate.

[00:37:54.015 – 00:38:02.815] So being ever mindful, as alcoholics are, that funds were short, family finances were a mess.

[00:38:02.815 – 00:38:04.355] I was making more money than I ever made in my life.

[00:38:04.355 – 00:38:10.835] And incidentally, the day that, uh, that I left work and, and, and, and ended up in…

[00:38:10.835 – 00:38:20.215] going to AA down on Connecticut Avenue, the reason, uh, I really had to go up Connecticut Avenue to a loan company in Wheaton from where I worked to borrow some money to pay my income tax.

[00:38:20.215 – 00:38:25.615] You know, here I was, big man with the big income, and I had to go borrow money to pay my income tax.

[00:38:25.615 – 00:38:30.095] And the reason I had to go up Connecticut Avenue to Wheaton to borrow money was I had tapped out in Mount Rainier.

[00:38:30.095 – 00:38:34.155] I don’t know whether you know anything about the Mount, Mount Rainier loan companies.

[00:38:34.155 – 00:38:37.395] There’s lots of them, and I knew a lot of the managers up there on a first-name basis.

[00:38:37.395 – 00:38:41.455] And, um, we did a lot of debt consolidating.

[00:38:41.455 – 00:38:51.565] One of the things that Rose even has a fear of today is financial security because I was always sticking things in front of her every six months saying, “Sign right there.” She’d say, “What’s

[00:38:51.565 – 00:38:55.535] that?” And I’d say, “It’s a debt consolidation loan.” “Didn’t we sign?” “Never mind.

[00:38:55.535 – 00:39:02.295] Sign.” And, you know, the disease and the illness being what it is, she would usually sign, and I kept a lot of balls in the air.

[00:39:02.295 – 00:39:04.015] You know, alcoholics are incredible people.

[00:39:04.015 – 00:39:05.895] We keep a lot of things juggling.

[00:39:05.895 – 00:39:13.395] If you tried to run a major corporation the way I ran my family finances, the whole world would be, mm, in rough shape.

[00:39:13.395 – 00:39:16.635] But the point I’m making is God answered those prayers.

[00:39:16.635 – 00:39:26.635] Here I am wanting to get this, this, uh, old bat off my back and wanting to destroy the one relationship that mattered and full of rage.

[00:39:26.635 – 00:39:36.755] And suddenly, you know, this is where I say God, as I understand him, and for me, the reason I have to deal in those simple things is this is what went through my mind, and this is what got

[00:39:36.755 – 00:39:38.135] me to AA.

[00:39:38.135 – 00:39:40.135] And it’s incredible when I think back on it.

[00:39:40.135 – 00:39:49.895] Right in the middle of the rage, a little thought went off in my mind that, you know, these three guys that got the group rate divorce, they didn’t get a group rate judge.

[00:39:49.895 – 00:39:53.325] And, you know, the judge had said to them, “Can you live on eight-“

[00:39:53.520 – 00:39:54.270] five dollars a week.

[00:39:54.270 – 00:40:04.420] And I thought about that, and I thought, “Jeez, I can’t even drink on eighty-five dollars a week.” I thought, “Maybe I better think this through for a little while.” And then, you know, the next thought

[00:40:04.420 – 00:40:08.389] that crossed my mind, I had read something, this is the kind of things that go through an alcoholic’s head.

[00:40:08.389 – 00:40:16.230] I’d read somewhere where a widower, if he loses his wife, loses the equivalent of $18,000 a year, and I couldn’t afford that.

[00:40:16.230 – 00:40:25.250] So I thought, “Maybe I better think this thing through, and maybe, just maybe I can do something to demonstrate that, you know, maybe, maybe she’s got a point.

[00:40:25.250 – 00:40:32.830] Maybe I do have an occasional problem with the juice.” So I looked up AA in the yellow pages, and it was on Connecticut Avenue.

[00:40:32.830 – 00:40:37.850] So I figured I was on the way to Wheaton, I might as well stop in and leave a referral.

[00:40:37.850 – 00:40:43.410] So I went through, there was a lovely lady on the desk that day.

[00:40:43.410 – 00:40:44.250] I don’t remember her name.

[00:40:44.250 – 00:40:46.370] I’ve seen her since a couple times.

[00:40:46.370 – 00:40:50.410] And, you know, I knocked on the door, and she opened it, and, and she…

[00:40:50.410 – 00:40:51.110] I said, I don’t, I…

[00:40:51.110 – 00:41:01.110] I told her, “I, I don’t know whether I have a drinking problem or not, but I’d like to find out some things about Alcoholics Anonymous.” And she says, “Well, come on in.” She handed me the twenty questions and

[00:41:01.110 – 00:41:05.650] one of those, you know, the one questions and answers on AA, and I sat down and lied my way through them.

[00:41:05.650 – 00:41:13.950] Looked at that and said, “Jeez, half the people I know would flunk that.” And, uh, you know, meanwhile, she got a phone call, and she went over and just left me there to my own devices.

[00:41:13.950 – 00:41:14.750] Didn’t push me.

[00:41:14.750 – 00:41:20.490] Came back over, and she said, “Do you think you would like to go to a meeting?” And I thought, “Well, I’ve come this far.

[00:41:20.490 – 00:41:31.210] I might as well be polite.” I said, “Yeah, I guess I would.” And she says, “Well, where do you live?” And I said, “University Park, Maryland.” She said, “I’ll check my,” whatever it was, “twelve-step list.”

[00:41:31.210 – 00:41:35.990] And lo and behold, the next thing I know, she’s on the phone talking to Al C.

[00:41:35.990 – 00:41:41.570] from the Laurel Group, who’s an insurance salesman going around the Beltway, and he had a telephone in his car.

[00:41:41.570 – 00:41:51.970] Here I am, a nice fella, and I stop in to ask a couple of questions, and I get the welcome wagon.

[00:41:51.970 – 00:41:58.010] I thought to myself, “Curb service AA.

[00:41:58.010 – 00:42:03.139] What?” You know, I thought they were gonna write me a letter in two weeks.

[00:42:03.139 – 00:42:09.220] So I got on a phone talking to this guy prowling the Beltway, and he says, “Where do you live?” And I told him.

[00:42:09.220 – 00:42:20.670] He says, “That’s great.” He says, “We got a meeting in your neighborhood tonight.” And I thought, “Oh, shit.” Hmm.

[00:42:20.670 – 00:42:24.710] So he said, “We’ll be by your house this evening.” That was the beginning for me.

[00:42:24.710 – 00:42:25.750] And, you know, it’s…

[00:42:25.750 – 00:42:27.550] What is it that, that…

[00:42:27.550 – 00:42:38.479] When I got to that group and that first meeting, and I will never forget, and even though I’m a retread and, you know, you know it and I know it, what happens to us when we can see that there’s

[00:42:38.479 – 00:42:40.150] some magic when you walk in that room.

[00:42:40.150 – 00:42:42.610] There was some magic when those three men walked into my house.

[00:42:42.610 – 00:42:43.950] You know, and that…

[00:42:43.950 – 00:42:45.010] Gil C.

[00:42:45.010 – 00:42:55.250] stuck out his hand and said, “Hi, I’m Gil, and I’m an alcoholic, and this is how I stay sober.” I

[00:42:55.250 – 00:43:00.070] cry a lot now, too, and you might know that, but they’re tears of joy, and they taste sweet.

[00:43:00.070 – 00:43:02.250] It’s not like the tears of frustration.

[00:43:02.250 – 00:43:06.970] But that was the beginning, and, uh, it was Al C.

[00:43:06.970 – 00:43:12.770] and Gil, and they brought a fella with them, John, who was two weeks sober and just out of Spring Grove.

[00:43:12.770 – 00:43:14.510] And I remember looking at John.

[00:43:14.510 – 00:43:16.270] I kid him about this to this day.

[00:43:16.270 – 00:43:17.330] He’s still in the Laurel Group.

[00:43:17.330 – 00:43:18.810] He looked terrible.

[00:43:18.810 – 00:43:21.710] God, he looked awful.

[00:43:21.710 – 00:43:32.670] And I thought to myself, “How unimpressive that these, that these men would bring back a living example of what it’s gonna be like if

[00:43:32.670 – 00:43:33.990] I keep this up,” you know?

[00:43:33.990 – 00:43:44.080] So I got to your program, and, you know, the people

[00:43:44.080 – 00:43:48.970] shook the hand and, and, and showered me with love and smothered me with love and, and just that was enough.

[00:43:48.970 – 00:43:52.330] But I didn’t want, I didn’t wanna work the program.

[00:43:52.330 – 00:43:55.310] You know, I avoided the moment of truth like Tom L.

[00:43:55.310 – 00:43:55.450] said.

[00:43:55.450 – 00:43:56.390] I avoided Tom L.

[00:43:56.390 – 00:44:06.390] He looked at me like a first sergeant, and I thought, “That sucker, if I go near him, he’s gonna straighten me out real fast.” And I thought, “I’ll avoid him like the plague.” I lied to my

[00:44:06.390 – 00:44:06.950] sponsor.

[00:44:06.950 – 00:44:09.550] I had what we call white-knuckle sobriety.

[00:44:09.550 – 00:44:12.030] I don’t know whether you had it, but every night I would get…

[00:44:12.030 – 00:44:17.690] I went to a lot of meetings, and it seemed like going to a meeting, and that would get me through another day.

[00:44:17.690 – 00:44:19.770] And I’d go to another meeting.

[00:44:19.770 – 00:44:20.370] You know, and I…

[00:44:20.370 – 00:44:22.450] And while, while I was at the meetings, it was great.

[00:44:22.450 – 00:44:23.580] I, I was so happy.

[00:44:23.580 – 00:44:23.710] I…

[00:44:23.710 – 00:44:24.890] It was beautiful.

[00:44:24.890 – 00:44:27.550] But I didn’t wanna work the steps.

[00:44:27.550 – 00:44:28.010] I didn’t…

[00:44:28.010 – 00:44:34.490] You know, really, I think some of us are afraid to work the steps and apply this program to our life for two reasons.

[00:44:34.490 – 00:44:37.110] I was a little bit incapable of being honest, and this is an illness.

[00:44:37.110 – 00:44:39.990] And the second reason I think is we’re afraid we’ll get sober.

[00:44:39.990 – 00:44:41.210] You know that?

[00:44:41.210 – 00:44:42.690] This program works.

[00:44:42.690 – 00:44:43.990] It really works.

[00:44:43.990 – 00:44:51.390] And what I was looking at was people who were sober, and I was listening to people who were sober, and they were telling me what they did to get sober, and I was only picking out the parts I liked.

[00:44:51.390 – 00:44:53.770] You know, taking them.

[00:44:53.770 – 00:44:54.650] I didn’t wanna share with me.

[00:44:54.650 – 00:44:55.930] Oh, God, I didn’t wanna open me up.

[00:44:55.930 – 00:45:00.250] A little bit of the fear left, but boy, that, you know, that loneliness was still there.

[00:45:00.250 – 00:45:04.550] I crawled into that shell that last five years, and I sat there night after night drinking alone.

[00:45:04.550 – 00:45:06.050] I wanted to stay there.

[00:45:06.050 – 00:45:06.950] It was comfortable there.

[00:45:06.950 – 00:45:08.350] I didn’t wanna share, Jack.

[00:45:08.350 – 00:45:10.470] I didn’t wanna unzip and open up, Jack.

[00:45:10.470 – 00:45:14.570] Boy, the fourth and fifth step, I read them, and I thought, “Confession, I’ve been there.

[00:45:14.570 – 00:45:15.800] I’ve been that trip,” you know?

[00:45:15.800 – 00:45:21.710] Roman Catholic John, I was trying to use it as an excuse that I didn’t have to apply the spirituality of this program to my life.

[00:45:21.710 – 00:45:31.230] That I didn’t have to find a loving God and a forgiving God and a God that was right there standing beside me anytime I needed him, if I choose to seek him out and ask him for help.

[00:45:31.230 – 00:45:34.310] That’s the one I found through you and this fellowship, and boy, did I need him.

[00:45:34.310 – 00:45:36.730] So the inevitable happened.

[00:45:36.730 – 00:45:42.210] You know, six months to the day in the program, I had to take a business trip to the agency I work for.

[00:45:42.210 – 00:45:52.250] It says in the Big Book, again, you know, that there will come a time for the alcoholic when there is no mental defense against the first drink, and I can…

[00:45:52.250 – 00:45:53.530] I know about it.

[00:45:53.530 – 00:46:01.810] I got on that airplane, and a, and a beautiful little stewardess came down the aisle and said, “Would you like a cocktail, sir?” And six months of meetings went out the window.

[00:46:01.810 – 00:46:07.582] And I said, “Yes, bring me two martinis.” And that began for me that 28-day slip.

[00:46:07.582 – 00:46:15.002] It says in the Big Book that there are those of us who are not convinced, and we have to go out and do a little controlled drinking.

[00:46:15.002 – 00:46:19.282] And I don’t know about you and whether you’ve been through it, but that controlled drinking is for the birds.

[00:46:19.282 – 00:46:28.542] I lied to myself for 28 days, and I’d say, “If I take two drinks and stop, I don’t have a problem, and I continue to go to meetings.” And I lied.

[00:46:28.542 – 00:46:37.862] And inside, I was churning and tearing up, and every time I took a drink, I wanted to get drunk, and I wanted to fall down and wallow in alcohol.

[00:46:37.862 – 00:46:49.222] And I wouldn’t let myself because I kept telling myself, “If I don’t take but one or two and stop, I haven’t got a problem.” And every fiber in my being said, “Get drunk.” And

[00:46:49.222 – 00:46:52.882] the fear turned, came back, and, and I just went into a shell again.

[00:46:52.882 – 00:47:00.962] And it culminated in that instance that Rose told you about when that, when that 17-year-old boy did a very brave thing.

[00:47:00.962 – 00:47:05.962] And I was, again, I ended up on the floor, like I said, and I was consumed with that rage again.

[00:47:05.962 – 00:47:08.422] It was overwhelming, and it was overpowering.

[00:47:08.422 – 00:47:13.322] And somehow, before that boy came back, it was lifted.

[00:47:13.322 – 00:47:14.682] I have no explanation for it.

[00:47:14.682 – 00:47:15.862] The only explanation I have for it…

[00:47:15.862 – 00:47:17.702] I do have an explanation for it that I accept.

[00:47:17.702 – 00:47:20.922] It was God, as I understand Him, removing and doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself.

[00:47:20.922 – 00:47:26.542] And when that boy came back home, I was able to realize what, what He had done for me.

[00:47:26.542 – 00:47:32.842] And of course, Rose has told you that later on I was able to share his bottom with him sometime later in the program.

[00:47:32.842 – 00:47:34.342] So, I came back to the fellowship.

[00:47:34.342 – 00:47:44.342] And, you know, the big IQ and the upper 2% of the population, by this time, I had rationalized a whole great, lengthy story that I was gonna lay on my sponsor about why I got drunk and all

[00:47:44.342 – 00:47:45.162] the reasons for it.

[00:47:45.162 – 00:47:48.282] I have a very simple, direct sponsor, thank God.

[00:47:48.282 – 00:47:58.282] And I remember walking in and saying, “Gil, I think I know why I got drunk.” He says, “Hold it.” He says, “What did you drink, Jack?” And I said,

[00:47:58.282 – 00:48:08.282] “Gin and beer.” And he said, “That’s what got you drunk.” That can really take the wind out of your sails when you’ve

[00:48:08.282 – 00:48:12.782] got a deep-rooted, far-seated psychological reason for why you picked up a drink.

[00:48:12.782 – 00:48:20.502] I explained to him, “I was on the airplane.” And he said, “Did you ask for help?” And I thought about that one for a while.

[00:48:20.502 – 00:48:24.542] I said, “Well, I couldn’t get you on, but, you know, you weren’t near.

[00:48:24.542 – 00:48:31.522] The group wasn’t near.” He says, “Wait a minute.” He, he says, “You’ve missed something here.” He says, “Sit down, and shut up, and listen.

[00:48:31.522 – 00:48:33.362] Stay out here at the big table.

[00:48:33.362 – 00:48:43.382] Stop hiding in the back room and listen to what the people are saying about the second and the third steps, so that the next time you’re somewhere,

[00:48:43.382 – 00:48:47.402] you can ask for help from a power outside yourself.” The Big Book tells us we have to find that power.

[00:48:47.402 – 00:48:49.202] I had just never related it.

[00:48:49.202 – 00:48:58.442] I needed that man with his simple program and his simple Baptist faith in God to explain to me that He was right there if I would just take the trouble to use Him.

[00:48:58.442 – 00:49:08.472] We’ve heard it from the speakers from this podium this week: faith, faith in this program, faith that this power outside myself will work for me directly, in direct connection with my alcoholism, whenever and

[00:49:08.472 – 00:49:11.162] wherever I need it, if I will take the trouble to ask.

[00:49:11.162 – 00:49:16.442] I believe that with all my heart, and it’s important for me to remember it today.

[00:49:16.442 – 00:49:20.082] You know, I was unique.

[00:49:20.082 – 00:49:22.302] That was the reason the program wouldn’t work for me the first time.

[00:49:22.302 – 00:49:30.422] I was so unique, you know, even after getting here and sharing with you all the beautiful things you shared with me and that I listened to, I was still unique.

[00:49:30.422 – 00:49:38.322] I was still holding on to that last vestige of I was the most special person in the whole wide world, Harold Teen, and all the things, and all the complexes, and I…

[00:49:38.322 – 00:49:39.921] This program wouldn’t work for me.

[00:49:39.921 – 00:49:41.742] You know, that was my first trip through AA.

[00:49:41.742 – 00:49:44.092] Somehow, sooner or later, I was gonna get drunk.

[00:49:44.092 – 00:49:45.862] This program wouldn’t work for me.

[00:49:45.862 – 00:49:46.842] I was so unique.

[00:49:46.842 – 00:49:51.402] There’s an answer to that in the steps of this program, in the fourth and fifth step, chiefly.

[00:49:51.402 – 00:49:56.322] And so, this time through, the second tour, I did what I was told, and I listened.

[00:49:56.322 – 00:50:03.081] And it says in the Big Book that when you’re satisfactorily convinced you’ve worked the first three steps, you should go immediately to the fourth step.

[00:50:03.081 – 00:50:05.962] And I stalled a little, but I eventually got to it.

[00:50:05.962 – 00:50:14.542] I got to where there were things within me that, that bothered me, that I was afraid to face, that I had to get out and get up, and I took the fourth and fifth step, and I lost my uniqueness.

[00:50:14.542 – 00:50:18.562] Lost it because I took my fifth step with an alcoholic, in this case, my sponsor.

[00:50:18.562 – 00:50:28.002] And for all those things that I was so deeply ashamed of and wanted to get up to the surface, there was something in his life that he shared with me that was equal, and I lost my uniqueness.

[00:50:28.002 – 00:50:33.702] And for me, I began to belong to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it was a breakthrough.

[00:50:33.702 – 00:50:37.222] Rose mentioned some of what happened to me in the sixth step.

[00:50:37.222 – 00:50:38.842] I wasn’t changing.

[00:50:38.842 – 00:50:40.622] I was still a rock.

[00:50:40.622 – 00:50:42.662] I was still hard-headed.

[00:50:42.662 – 00:50:49.722] And I was convinced that these steps force us to do the things that we would not otherwise do, and it’s been a beautiful experience for me.

[00:50:49.722 – 00:50:57.882] These steps have forced me to do things in my life that I would not have otherwise done, that I would never have found without you, and it’s important for me to remember that.

[00:50:57.882 – 00:51:02.942] And so, I tried to the best of my ability to work these things and apply them in my life.

[00:51:02.942 – 00:51:06.782] And Rose has explained what happened in our family.

[00:51:06.782 – 00:51:11.402] Jerry, who we were very worried about, I got a phone call one morning at 5:00, and I was able…

[00:51:11.402 – 00:51:13.422] He had totaled the car.

[00:51:13.422 – 00:51:16.902] I went out to Montgomery County, picked him up at the police station, and brought him home.

[00:51:16.902 – 00:51:26.902] And he said to me, “Dad, I think I might have a problem.” And I said to myself, “Oh, God, please let me be a good listener.” And that

[00:51:26.902 – 00:51:32.662] boy unloaded for me on that drive home all of the things that he’d been going through in the prior five years.

[00:51:32.662 – 00:51:36.562] And then, don’t you know, I, he went to the College Park Group.

[00:51:36.562 – 00:51:42.742] And my first thought, I went up to Tom L., and I said, “I gotta find a young people’s group for that kid.” You know.

[00:51:42.742 – 00:51:45.382] And Tom says, “Man, sit down and look around.

[00:51:45.382 – 00:51:51.882] When’s the last time you looked around the College Park Group?” And I looked around, and half the people in the room were under 35.

[00:51:51.882 – 00:51:59.842] And he said, “You gonna deprive that boy of the opportunity to get sober in this group that was offered to you?” You know, we say, what is it?

[00:51:59.842 – 00:52:02.822] Hadn’t learned the lesson all those years.

[00:52:02.822 – 00:52:08.402] And then, of course, Jackie, when she came in, I used to look at Jackie and I’d say, “That is impossible.

[00:52:08.402 – 00:52:12.182] That girl can’t be an alcoholic.” You know, I denied my own daughter’s alcoholism.

[00:52:12.182 – 00:52:13.412] You talk about denial.

[00:52:13.412 – 00:52:20.492] Wouldn’t give my own daughter the benefit of being an alcoholic.

[00:52:20.492 – 00:52:21.962] But I learned.

[00:52:21.962 – 00:52:25.342] I learned because, you know, those two kids are sober today, and I got to tell you something.

[00:52:25.342 – 00:52:28.602] They’re not sober because their father is a member of this fellowship.

[00:52:28.602 – 00:52:30.802] They’re sober because they both got good sponsors.

[00:52:30.802 – 00:52:33.262] They came to the group, and they listened.

[00:52:33.262 – 00:52:34.482] They do what they’re told.

[00:52:34.482 – 00:52:37.262] They follow instructions, and they work the steps as best they can.

[00:52:37.262 – 00:52:38.482] That’s the reason they’re sober.

[00:52:38.482 – 00:52:41.381] This program works for them, despite their old man.

[00:52:41.381 – 00:52:43.182] It’s beautiful.

[00:52:43.182 – 00:52:45.362] This is a family-owned…

[00:52:45.362 – 00:52:48.062] The Nolan family just abuses the privileges.

[00:52:48.062 – 00:52:53.082] But, you know, that, that’s what it’s like.

[00:52:53.082 – 00:52:54.982] And, and the changes in my life, bro…

[00:52:54.982 – 00:52:59.642] God, I’ve been through a heart attack, and there’s a fellowship within a fellowship on that, people that help you out.

[00:52:59.642 – 00:53:01.042] Got me through that.

[00:53:01.042 – 00:53:01.962] No fear.

[00:53:01.962 – 00:53:03.242] I don’t know why I had no fear.

[00:53:03.242 – 00:53:04.342] I’m a basket case.

[00:53:04.342 – 00:53:07.422] You know, I, I cut my finger, I need major surgery.

[00:53:07.422 – 00:53:12.342] I- And, you know, I want people and, and, and, and stroking.

[00:53:12.342 – 00:53:17.562] And, and, and yet going through that, remarkable thing because I got the help and the fellowship.

[00:53:17.562 – 00:53:22.342] People, people, people who drive me to share, share myself.

[00:53:22.342 – 00:53:23.982] They force me to open up, Jack.

[00:53:23.982 – 00:53:26.442] My life’s no longer a big, deep secret.

[00:53:26.442 – 00:53:28.862] Harold Teen’s out on the surface, and I can talk to him.

[00:53:28.862 – 00:53:29.902] I can say, “Harold, go back.

[00:53:29.902 – 00:53:31.062] Uh, quiet, Harold.

[00:53:31.062 – 00:53:41.062] We’re, we’re gonna be all right.” Harold used to say, “Everything’s gonna be cool.” Now he says, “Everything’s cool,” and I say, “Damn right it is, as long as we keep doing the things we’re supposed

[00:53:41.062 – 00:53:42.882] to do.” You know, I never wanted to grow up.

[00:53:42.882 – 00:53:45.721] Just the other day, Rose asked me what I was gonna be when I grew up.

[00:53:45.721 – 00:53:51.442] What I’d like to be when I grow up is sober.

[00:53:51.442 – 00:53:54.922] Sober and mature through the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:53:54.922 – 00:54:00.062] You know, this is a spiritual program, and what happens to us, we suddenly realize it.

[00:54:00.062 – 00:54:04.522] And it says in the 12-step, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps.

[00:54:04.522 – 00:54:09.742] And I’d like to close with what, for me, is my favorite AA story, if you will, or joke.

[00:54:09.742 – 00:54:17.802] And, uh, it deals with spirituality in this program, and, uh, and what happens to us is a sudden realization one day when we wake up and we realize.

[00:54:17.802 – 00:54:24.282] We might be sitting in a meeting, and it might be something someone says after a long period of time, when we suddenly realize, yeah, we are.

[00:54:24.282 – 00:54:25.142] We’re more…

[00:54:25.142 – 00:54:35.262] We’re different than we were because of this fellowship and because of this sharing and because of these beautiful people, and we have a way of life that has led us to something that we never would have found

[00:54:35.262 – 00:54:35.722] without it.

[00:54:35.722 – 00:54:36.442] And it, it…

[00:54:36.442 – 00:54:37.722] There’s a spirituality to that.

[00:54:37.722 – 00:54:46.362] It’s not a blinding thing, I don’t think, or where we get hit by lightning or like it was with Bill Wilson, but it’s just as real when, when you suddenly realize it.

[00:54:46.362 – 00:54:49.842] And I think it’s very important that you stick around long enough.

[00:54:49.842 – 00:54:55.121] But I also think it’s very important that you don’t look for the blinding flash of light because it’s quite gradual, I think.

[00:54:55.121 – 00:55:05.142] And if you’ll just come along and keep coming back and come to these meetings and share your experience, strength, and hope as best you can, you will suddenly realize probably that you have had and undergone

[00:55:05.142 – 00:55:06.682] a spiritual experience.

[00:55:06.682 – 00:55:09.382] You know, they tell us, “Don’t tell a newcomer about God.

[00:55:09.382 – 00:55:12.402] Might scare him away.” God, to me, that’s…

[00:55:12.402 – 00:55:15.482] You know, this, it, it’s a spiritual program.

[00:55:15.482 – 00:55:18.422] I don’t think that we can go any other way.

[00:55:18.422 – 00:55:21.922] I don’t think– I think we owe it to the newcomer to tell them it’s a spiritual program.

[00:55:21.922 – 00:55:28.642] You know, it’d be like if we don’t lay the God angle on them and the fact they’re gonna have to come to grips with it, it’d be like trying to sell them a car, but we don’t tell them it’s a Chevrolet.

[00:55:28.642 – 00:55:29.142] It’s just…

[00:55:29.142 – 00:55:39.542] But my favorite story about spirituality, and the reason I like to say just come along and ease into it is, it was this country gr– I, I got this down in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, when I was

[00:55:39.542 – 00:55:40.422] traveling for the government.

[00:55:40.422 – 00:55:42.262] I was down there for a week, and it was a small group that…

[00:55:42.262 – 00:55:47.162] Same group met five nights a week, and it was a small group, and it was some of the best AA I, I was ever exposed to.

[00:55:47.162 – 00:55:49.242] And I needed it at that time.

[00:55:49.242 – 00:55:58.982] But anyhow, one fellow was leading the meeting this one night, and he was talking about this old fella that came in quite late with a little wet brain, and he had a birth defect.

[00:55:58.982 – 00:56:01.462] He had a slotted navel that he was born with.

[00:56:01.462 – 00:56:06.562] And he misunderstood the program because he was a little wet brained, even though he was staying sober.

[00:56:06.562 – 00:56:16.562] And every time the group would get on removing defects of character, he would, he would open up his shirt and show this slotted navel, and he’d say, “Oh, I wish God would remove this defect.” And

[00:56:16.562 – 00:56:18.702] they’d say, “Man, that’s not a character defect.

[00:56:18.702 – 00:56:20.682] That’s a birth defect, and you don’t have to worry about it.

[00:56:20.682 – 00:56:23.281] Doesn’t have anything to do with sobriety.” But they humored him.

[00:56:23.281 – 00:56:25.702] He was getting better, and he was coming along.

[00:56:25.702 – 00:56:28.362] But yet every time they’d have a meeting, you know, he’d mention it.

[00:56:28.362 – 00:56:29.662] And one night it happened.

[00:56:29.662 – 00:56:34.062] He was at the meeting, and someone was leading it on the step on, uh, character defects.

[00:56:34.062 – 00:56:35.782] And he said, “Oh, I wish God…” And it happened.

[00:56:35.782 – 00:56:40.762] A beam of light shone out of the ceiling, shone right on his belly button, and a screwdriver came down the beam of light.

[00:56:40.762 – 00:56:45.702] And he grabbed the screwdriver and unscrewed his navel, and his ass fell off.

[00:56:45.702 – 00:56:56.082] Now, the moral of that is don’t be looking for a blinding

[00:56:56.082 – 00:56:59.362] spiritual experience and lose your ass in the process.

[00:56:59.362 – 00:57:03.322] You be like me.

[00:57:03.322 – 00:57:06.722] You just come along, and you put yourself in good hands.

[00:57:06.722 – 00:57:07.942] My way stunk.

[00:57:07.942 – 00:57:09.102] You know what I mean?

[00:57:09.102 – 00:57:10.842] My way stunk.

[00:57:10.842 – 00:57:14.962] What I have today is such a beautiful thing, and, and you get it here.

[00:57:14.962 – 00:57:15.702] It’s beautiful.

[00:57:15.702 – 00:57:17.202] You get it through the people.

[00:57:17.202 – 00:57:19.422] You can be spiritual through the other people.

[00:57:19.422 – 00:57:20.502] You can borrow God.

[00:57:20.502 – 00:57:22.182] You believe that in this program?

[00:57:22.182 – 00:57:23.082] Sure can.

[00:57:23.082 – 00:57:26.742] Look at the power in the room when you walk in, the feeling.

[00:57:26.742 – 00:57:27.712] You can feel it.

[00:57:27.712 – 00:57:28.482] There’s power here.

[00:57:28.482 – 00:57:29.782] This is an awesome program.

[00:57:29.782 – 00:57:31.162] Awesome program.

[00:57:31.162 – 00:57:34.602] I’d like to close with what an Al-Anon gave me.

[00:57:34.602 – 00:57:44.602] I think she clipped it out of one of the grapevine, and it explains for me as best I can what’s happened to me spiritually and the fact that I do now have a God of my understanding, far

[00:57:44.602 – 00:57:46.982] different than when I came here, that I needed desperately.

[00:57:46.982 – 00:57:51.822] And it talks about you and what you mean to me, and I’m gonna close with it.

[00:57:51.822 – 00:58:01.822] It says, “I have friends, very special friends, who think that people are the most important product in the world, and

[00:58:01.822 – 00:58:04.162] they don’t just say it, they live it.

[00:58:04.162 – 00:58:34.202] I wonder if you know that I look in your eyes, and I see the face of God.” Thank

[00:58:34.202 – 00:58:34.642] you, Jack.

[00:58:34.642 – 00:58:37.702] It’s a wonderful message.

[00:58:37.702 – 00:58:47.742] Doug handed me a note while, uh, Jack was speaking, and if any folks here that, that know Gil would like to say a

[00:58:47.742 – 00:58:50.482] few words to him, uh, Doug will be available to…

[00:58:50.482 – 00:58:52.041] He’s got a cut of tape on it.

[00:58:52.041 – 00:58:56.622] So you can go over and say a few words to Gil, and then we’ll make sure the tape gets to Gil.

[00:58:56.622 – 00:59:17.442] And with that, uh, we’ll close in the usual manner with the Lord’s Prayer.

[00:59:17.442 – 00:59:23.462] Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

[00:59:23.462 – 00:59:26.422] Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

[00:59:26.422 – 00:59:32.762] Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

[00:59:32.762 – 00:59:37.682] And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

[00:59:37.682 – 00:59:42.142] For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever and ever.

[00:59:42.142 – 00:59:43.262] Amen.

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