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[00:00:02.220 – 00:00:07.640] My pleasure and will be your pleasure to hear a man…

[00:00:07.640 – 00:00:18.440] I, I think the best thing or the best introduction I could give is the description that was given to me of this man, and that is that he will go to any length to

[00:00:18.440 – 00:00:19.660] help another alcoholic.

[00:00:19.660 – 00:00:22.540] He is a good member of AA.

[00:00:22.540 – 00:00:32.080] And to start you off in a, a state of confusion, I give you Mr., Dr., Father Al G.

[00:00:32.080 – 00:00:44.100] Thank

[00:00:44.100 – 00:00:44.460] you, Tom.

[00:00:44.460 – 00:00:47.580] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

[00:00:47.580 – 00:00:49.920] My name is Al, and I am an alcoholic.

[00:00:49.920 – 00:00:52.690] Hi, Al.

[00:00:52.690 – 00:01:02.980] I, uh, like that introduction because I have come to find out that, and I guess His Honor knows that, I’ve come to find out that speakers are like toast.

[00:01:02.980 – 00:01:06.840] You better butter them up a little bit, otherwise it’s gonna be a little dry.

[00:01:06.840 – 00:01:17.340] Tom is functioning as a judge at this present time, and so he hasn’t given me any authority to say this,

[00:01:17.340 – 00:01:25.140] but if any of you get arrested for speeding or anything of that sort in Tennessee, just, uh, go to Tom, and he’ll take care of it.

[00:01:25.140 – 00:01:26.979] He’ll see that you get a comfortable cell.

[00:01:26.979 – 00:01:33.700] I am so glad to be back in this part of the country again.

[00:01:33.700 – 00:01:38.259] I have been here several times, and it’s something parallel to the program.

[00:01:38.259 – 00:01:43.980] Each time it seems to be getting a little bit better, and I don’t know whether it’s you or whether it’s me.

[00:01:43.980 – 00:01:46.760] I have a suspicion that it’s y- that it’s me.

[00:01:46.760 – 00:01:49.660] And, uh, I am so glad to be back here.

[00:01:49.660 – 00:01:52.080] I want to begin by…

[00:01:52.080 – 00:02:03.280] and he told me not to do this, but I want to begin by thanking Dave Cook and his wonderful committee, and also Edith Campbell, for

[00:02:03.280 – 00:02:06.560] putting up with me and inviting me to come down here and to share with you.

[00:02:06.560 – 00:02:16.520] I’d like to thank Glen, who picked me up at the airport, and Jim, who met me here and gave me a very warm, typical Southern hospitable welcome.

[00:02:16.520 – 00:02:26.620] Now, quite frankly, I am not quite sure whether I can thank the previous speakers because, uh, they have sure made my

[00:02:26.620 – 00:02:28.200] part in this program tough.

[00:02:28.200 – 00:02:33.580] And, uh, I don’t know how I can follow that kind of an act from what I have heard.

[00:02:33.580 – 00:02:40.660] However, AA has taught me that, uh, life is filled with insurmountable opportunities.

[00:02:40.660 – 00:02:44.720] And so, uh, I plunge foolishly ahead.

[00:02:44.720 – 00:02:54.900] I’d like to kind of straighten out, it is true, uh, Tom introduced me as a, as an alcoholic, and that is the, the most important

[00:02:54.900 – 00:02:56.640] fact of my being here.

[00:02:56.640 – 00:03:04.280] But I am also a priest, and, uh, I’m also a psychologist.

[00:03:04.280 – 00:03:14.280] And I think, unless some of you get turned off, uh, about my being a psychologist, uh, I’d like to kind of get that into

[00:03:14.280 – 00:03:15.180] focus a little bit.

[00:03:15.180 – 00:03:22.480] Uh, first of all, you all know, you all know that psychologists are people who don’t have to worry as long as you do.

[00:03:22.480 – 00:03:28.700] Uh, I’d like to tell you a little bit about my being a psychologist.

[00:03:28.700 – 00:03:36.360] I am now in the city of Akron, but prior to that I was in Baltimore teaching at one of the colleges there.

[00:03:36.360 – 00:03:46.400] And word got around the city that you have a priest psychologist at, at this, uh, particular educational institution called Loyola.

[00:03:46.400 – 00:03:54.400] And, uh, after a while, I got invited occasionally to act as a special consultant for the city.

[00:03:54.400 – 00:04:04.780] And, uh, oh, a couple of years ago, there was a terrific traffic jam downtown Baltimore at Howard and Lexington

[00:04:04.780 – 00:04:06.380] Street, if any of you know that area.

[00:04:06.380 – 00:04:10.240] And the traffic was blocked in several different directions.

[00:04:10.240 – 00:04:14.640] And a policeman made his way into the middle of that crowd to see what was going on.

[00:04:14.640 – 00:04:17.620] And there was a chap standing there, and he was doing this.

[00:04:17.620 – 00:04:27.960] Policeman says, “What have you got there, buddy?” This guy says, “I got a pile of manure.” And the policeman says, “Well, what are you doing with it?” This guy says, “I’m making a policeman.”

[00:04:27.960 – 00:04:34.540] Well, the cop says, “A wise guy, huh?” So he calls the paddy wagon, and they take this guy off to jail.

[00:04:34.540 – 00:04:42.940] And that afternoon, his trial comes up before the magistrate, and this guy walks up before the bench, and he’s got this stuff in his arm, and he’s doing this.

[00:04:42.940 – 00:04:53.000] And judge said to him, “What have you got there?” Guy says, “I got some manure.” And the judge says, “What are you doing with it?” And this guy says, “I’m making a judge.” So

[00:04:53.000 – 00:05:02.280] the judge says, “Throw him back in the cell.” Well, by that, by that time, they didn’t know whether this man ought to be in a state mental institution or whether he needed some other kind of help.

[00:05:02.280 – 00:05:07.640] So they called up and asked if I could come down and give this man a quick psychological interview.

[00:05:07.640 – 00:05:09.480] And I said I would.

[00:05:09.480 – 00:05:13.300] So I got down there, and they briefed me as to this man’s behavior.

[00:05:13.300 – 00:05:15.340] So I went back to the cell.

[00:05:15.340 – 00:05:19.620] He was sitting there in the corner with his stuff going like that, and I had my pad and pencil.

[00:05:19.620 – 00:05:26.060] And I said, “I know what you got there.” He says, “What?” I said, “You got some manure.” He says, “That’s right.

[00:05:26.060 – 00:05:33.730] You’re a pretty bright psychologist.” And I said, “And I know what you’re doing with it.” He says, “What?” I said, “You’re making a psychologist.” He says, “No, I’m not.

[00:05:33.730 – 00:05:46.220] I haven’t got enough manure.” So,

[00:05:46.220 – 00:05:46.340] uh…

[00:05:46.340 – 00:05:56.820] I am a recovering alcoholic, ladies and gentlemen, and I must emphasize

[00:05:56.820 – 00:05:58.420] the word recovering.

[00:05:58.420 – 00:06:05.620] Alcohol as such is no longer a part of my life.

[00:06:05.620 – 00:06:11.204] And I don’t believe at this present time it’s a part of my problem.

[00:06:11.204 – 00:06:13.764] I have to explain that.

[00:06:13.764 – 00:06:16.224] It isn’t the alcohol.

[00:06:16.224 – 00:06:26.044] It is my relationship to the alcohol and my drinking of the alcohol that is my problem.

[00:06:26.044 – 00:06:29.524] In other words, my problem is me.

[00:06:29.524 – 00:06:39.543] I have not had a drink for a little bit better than 13 and a half years, and I am now,

[00:06:39.543 – 00:06:45.344] and I know with every fiber of my being, I will always be an alcoholic.

[00:06:45.344 – 00:06:55.364] And dear God, and this I mean from the bottom of my heart, dear Father,

[00:06:55.364 – 00:06:59.844] how blessedly you have graced me that I should be able to be standing here tonight.

[00:06:59.844 – 00:07:05.684] My powerlessness over alcohol is clearly established.

[00:07:05.684 – 00:07:07.944] There’s no doubt in my mind about it.

[00:07:07.944 – 00:07:15.564] I’ve got the kind of a body that now cannot handle and cannot metabolize alcohol normally.

[00:07:15.564 – 00:07:23.004] And I cannot describe it with all of my professional, supposedly professional sophistication.

[00:07:23.004 – 00:07:32.244] I cannot describe what I’ve got any better than AA does and started to do over 45 years ago.

[00:07:32.244 – 00:07:34.944] I have an allergy of the body.

[00:07:34.944 – 00:07:38.364] And you may have heard this.

[00:07:38.364 – 00:07:46.844] Every time I pick up a drink, and it’s so clear to me, every time I pick up a drink, I know I’m going to break out into a drunk.

[00:07:46.844 – 00:07:51.404] Now, that is clear, absolutely clear to me tonight.

[00:07:51.404 – 00:08:00.884] What is not always clear, although it is tonight, what is not always clear to me is that my life is unmanageable.

[00:08:00.884 – 00:08:11.424] I know it now, and I try to practice these principles in all my affairs, and I know as long as I do that,

[00:08:11.424 – 00:08:15.304] I will continue to know that my life is unmanageable.

[00:08:15.304 – 00:08:25.804] However, being human, I go out on the golf course, haven’t played golf for several weeks, and it starts to rain.

[00:08:25.804 – 00:08:31.984] The unmanageability of my thoughts at that time.

[00:08:31.984 – 00:08:38.804] If you cut me off in traffic, is my life manageable?

[00:08:38.804 – 00:08:46.504] If you don’t live up to my expectations, is my life manageable?

[00:08:46.504 – 00:08:52.964] If you keep me waiting, I’m an important person, I think.

[00:08:52.964 – 00:08:59.664] I know when I think that way that my life is not very manageable.

[00:08:59.664 – 00:09:10.024] If I don’t live up to my own perfectionistic expectations, if I let myself get overly hungry, overly angry,

[00:09:10.024 – 00:09:20.664] lonely, or tired, the old model of HALT, then the unmanageability of my life surfaces.

[00:09:20.664 – 00:09:31.564] And my thinking, sometimes so damnably subtle, suggests to me very insidiously,

[00:09:31.564 – 00:09:37.184] “Look, Al, baby, a drink will take care of it.

[00:09:37.184 – 00:09:38.864] You deserve a drink.

[00:09:38.864 – 00:09:48.864] You need a drink just this one time to get over the hump.” Thank God, you

[00:09:48.864 – 00:09:59.824] have taught me the meaning of the first step, that my relationship to drinking alcohol is rooted in powerlessness,

[00:09:59.824 – 00:10:06.404] and for me to drink is to destroy myself.

[00:10:06.404 – 00:10:16.544] If I don’t try to manage my unmanageabilities, I am in trouble,

[00:10:16.544 – 00:10:19.644] and that’s what you have taught me.

[00:10:19.644 – 00:10:30.044] So when I say I am a recovering alcoholic, I am saying that I get unpredictable

[00:10:30.044 – 00:10:31.404] urges to drink.

[00:10:31.404 – 00:10:41.404] You have so gently and so lovingly told me how to deal with that urge to

[00:10:41.404 – 00:10:41.864] drink.

[00:10:41.864 – 00:10:53.024] You have taught me, me, a priest, psychologist, you have taught me, no one else did, no one else could, how

[00:10:53.024 – 00:10:59.964] to eliminate or how to diminish that constant tendency to have an urge to drink.

[00:10:59.964 – 00:11:06.684] You have given me a program for living, for confronting the unmanageabilities of my life.

[00:11:06.684 – 00:11:10.364] You have given me a prayer to go along with that.

[00:11:10.364 – 00:11:20.544] You taught me all over again to say Our Father, and in that way, you have

[00:11:20.544 – 00:11:30.564] taught me to live one day at a time, trying, really trying, to manage my unmanageabilities and never

[00:11:30.564 – 00:11:35.584] allow my powerlessness over alcohol to express itself again.

[00:11:35.584 – 00:11:41.024] May our higher power continue to bless and increase our tribe.

[00:11:41.024 – 00:11:51.104] I’m grateful to you, and I thank you now, and I hope I will always be of the mentality to say that as sincerely

[00:11:51.104 – 00:11:52.424] as I can say it tonight.

[00:11:52.424 – 00:12:02.464] Whatever I am, whatever I have, you have given me, and I hope by a continuation of my being in your

[00:12:02.464 – 00:12:08.844] graced presence, by going to meetings, by being with you.

[00:12:08.844 – 00:12:13.136] I hope that that can continue.

[00:12:13.136 – 00:12:19.236] You know the saying, dearly beloved, today is the first day of the rest of my life.

[00:12:19.236 – 00:12:29.276] Now, at this particular time, my attitude towards life is entirely different than it was 13 and a half years ago.

[00:12:29.276 – 00:12:39.956] I truly can look forward to each day something like a child who hasn’t opened up all of his Christmas gifts yet.

[00:12:39.956 – 00:12:43.216] I wonder what’s around the cor- I wonder what’s in the next present.

[00:12:43.216 – 00:12:45.876] Now, I’ve got problems.

[00:12:45.876 – 00:12:48.565] I, I think you already can see that from what I have said.

[00:12:48.565 – 00:12:50.186] I’ve got, I got a lot of problems.

[00:12:50.186 – 00:12:55.775] Uh, I’m not sure that this is a problem, but I, I think I ought to get this into focus while I’m at it.

[00:12:55.775 – 00:13:04.716] I do want to inform you that, uh, I am one of the unmarried clergy, and that is not a boast.

[00:13:04.716 – 00:13:06.476] Uh, that is a complaint.

[00:13:06.476 – 00:13:11.936] You, you may have heard the story about Bishop Sheen.

[00:13:11.936 – 00:13:14.976] Uh, he was a good friend of Jackie Gleason.

[00:13:14.976 – 00:13:20.456] And, uh, one time he was a houseguest of Mr.

[00:13:20.456 – 00:13:22.936] Gleason back in, a number of years ago, when Mr.

[00:13:22.936 – 00:13:24.996] Gleason used to have that Saturday night show.

[00:13:24.996 – 00:13:30.416] And, uh, he had been invited by Jackie Gleason to come over and watch one of the rehearsals.

[00:13:30.416 – 00:13:40.396] So, the bishop was over there standing in the wings of the stage, watching these dancers, these very beautiful chorus girls out there doing their stuff.

[00:13:40.396 – 00:13:50.606] And someone came along and said to him, “Ta, ta, ta, Bishop, should you be watching those lovelies?” And he turned around and he said, “Look, friend, just because

[00:13:50.606 – 00:14:00.636] I’m on a diet doesn’t mean to say I can’t look at the menu.” On the other hand,

[00:14:00.636 – 00:14:10.816] I have heard, and this gives me pause, I have heard that marriage is something like an educational process, that you lose your bachelor’s

[00:14:10.816 – 00:14:13.056] degree, but you never do get your master’s.

[00:14:13.056 – 00:14:14.176] I don’t know whether…

[00:14:14.176 – 00:14:23.836] I’d like to tell you, uh, you know, since– I’d like to tell you a, a sort of a biblical story, if you don’t mind right now.

[00:14:23.836 – 00:14:32.416] Um, when God created man, he assigned to him 20 years of sex life.

[00:14:32.416 – 00:14:35.596] When man found out what sex life was, he complained.

[00:14:35.596 – 00:14:39.485] He said, “Can’t get, can I get any more than that?” Creator says, “20 years.

[00:14:39.485 – 00:14:49.256] Get away.” So the next animal to be created was the monkey, and God assigned to the monkey 20 years of sex life.

[00:14:49.256 – 00:14:51.096] And the monkey says, “I really don’t want 20.

[00:14:51.096 – 00:14:53.876] I only need 10.” So man popped up right away.

[00:14:53.876 – 00:14:54.876] He says, “Can I have your other 10?

[00:14:54.876 – 00:14:58.616] Can I have your other 10?” So God says yes.

[00:14:58.616 – 00:15:06.756] So the next animal to be created was the lion, and God assigned the lion 20 years of sex life.

[00:15:06.756 – 00:15:07.776] And the lion says, “I don’t want 20.

[00:15:07.776 – 00:15:17.556] I only want 10.” Man said, “Can I have the other 10?” And the next animal to come along was the donkey, and the donk– God, God assigned the donkey 20 years.

[00:15:17.556 – 00:15:19.516] And the donkey says, “I don’t want 20.

[00:15:19.516 – 00:15:24.636] 10 is enough for me.” Man said, “Can I have the other 10?” The donkey said yes, and God said yes.

[00:15:24.636 – 00:15:27.236] So that’s the reason today, dearly beloved.

[00:15:27.236 – 00:15:29.036] Notice how churchy I get.

[00:15:29.036 – 00:15:39.136] That’s the reason today that man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making an ass

[00:15:39.136 – 00:15:39.916] of himself.

[00:15:39.916 – 00:16:04.196] I

[00:16:04.196 – 00:16:09.076] began my serious drinking when I was about 35 years of age.

[00:16:09.076 – 00:16:10.536] I was already a priest.

[00:16:10.536 – 00:16:18.096] I had, uh, I had done the ordinary greasy kid stuff when I, before I entered the seminary.

[00:16:18.096 – 00:16:21.196] I entered the seminary when I was 19.

[00:16:21.196 – 00:16:26.916] I, uh, grew up, like His Honor here, during the latter days of Prohibition.

[00:16:26.916 – 00:16:37.026] And, uh, I don’t know whether I have the privilege of saying His Honor, Tom, is just

[00:16:37.026 – 00:16:40.116] a couple of years older than I am, but we both remember those days.

[00:16:40.116 – 00:16:44.576] And, uh, I did the ordinary kid stuff.

[00:16:44.576 – 00:16:47.516] Uh, I don’t think I was a juvenile delinquent or a hood.

[00:16:47.516 – 00:16:49.016] I know I was not an alcoholic.

[00:16:49.016 – 00:16:56.576] So I entered the seminary when I was 19, and I should point out that this was a seminary in the old church.

[00:16:56.576 – 00:16:59.176] Some of you might remember the old church.

[00:16:59.176 – 00:17:03.866] We had such quaint customs as Lent and, uh, various devotions.

[00:17:03.866 – 00:17:11.336] And in those days, in the church and in the seminary, there wasn’t any drinking, mainly for economical reasons.

[00:17:11.336 – 00:17:16.936] So for all practical purposes, I didn’t do any drinking at all until after I was a priest.

[00:17:16.936 – 00:17:22.756] I’m a Jesuit priest, and they ordain Jesuits a little bit later in life because we are slow learners.

[00:17:22.756 – 00:17:32.476] So it was about 35 before I was ordained a priest, and that’s when I began my drinking.

[00:17:32.476 – 00:17:40.876] And it was when I was free to drink, no longer in the seminary, and I could move around in society and so forth.

[00:17:40.876 – 00:17:45.376] And I really had not had any experience with drinking before this, to speak of.

[00:17:45.376 – 00:17:48.756] So I was now free to drink.

[00:17:48.756 – 00:17:59.456] And from– I cannot remember my first drink, but I do remember the time of my first drink and the experiences

[00:17:59.456 – 00:18:01.356] I had with my early drinking.

[00:18:01.356 – 00:18:06.296] This stuff, from the very beginning, turned me on.

[00:18:06.296 – 00:18:12.376] It was like discovering the magic elixir, the fountain of youth.

[00:18:12.376 – 00:18:15.856] It just did wonderful things for me.

[00:18:15.856 – 00:18:19.576] I had always been a tense, kind of a tense person.

[00:18:19.576 – 00:18:29.136] Uh, what really started me to drinking was when I got back after the war, I had been a POW, and I wasn’t able to eat or to sleep.

[00:18:29.136 – 00:18:37.626] And my father, who was a pharmacist, um, instead of giving me pills, said, “Look, son, why don’t you take a drink of whiskey?

[00:18:37.626 – 00:18:39.316] It’ll help you to relax.” And he was right.

[00:18:39.316 – 00:18:41.956] It, it really helped me to relax.

[00:18:41.956 – 00:18:52.176] And, uh, so what I’m trying to point out is that my early drinking was dramatic in the sense of the effects that it had

[00:18:52.176 – 00:18:52.836] on me.

[00:18:52.836 – 00:18:58.836] I know, as I understand alcoholism today, I know that I was not an instant alcoholic.

[00:18:58.836 – 00:19:08.956] But I also know now, as I look back on it, the fact that I got such outstanding rewards and

[00:19:08.956 – 00:19:14.176] effects from drinking, I now know is a danger sign.

[00:19:14.176 – 00:19:23.076] It produced effects on me that I am sure do not ordinarily take place in the normal drinker, the social drinker.

[00:19:23.076 – 00:19:30.476] By the way, I’ve recently come across a pretty good definition of a social drinker as compared to an alcoholic drinker.

[00:19:30.476 – 00:19:36.996] A social drinker is a person who goes out to socialize and might incidentally have a few drinks.

[00:19:36.996 – 00:19:41.066] An alcoholic is a guy who goes out to do some drinking and might-

[00:19:41.205 – 00:19:43.005] incidentally do some socializing.

[00:19:43.005 – 00:19:51.985] So I had from the very beginning of my early drinking days a tremendous interest in drinking.

[00:19:51.985 – 00:19:54.245] It relaxed me.

[00:19:54.245 – 00:19:55.785] It made me gregarious.

[00:19:55.785 – 00:19:58.525] It made me into a storyteller.

[00:19:58.525 – 00:20:00.885] After all, I elaborated a little.

[00:20:00.885 – 00:20:10.445] I was a kind of a minor hero being a POW, and I could tell these tales, which I stretched a little bit, about, uh, how tough it was in a prison camp.

[00:20:10.445 – 00:20:17.885] And above all, and, uh, some of you may have difficulty with it, but immediately alcohol gave me a lot of energy.

[00:20:17.885 – 00:20:28.245] And our more recent studies in the physiology of alcoholism indicates that that is true, that in addition to being a depressant, alcohol is definitely

[00:20:28.245 – 00:20:30.955] a stimulant, in addition to its being a depressant.

[00:20:30.955 – 00:20:38.225] And it did that for me, and, and I found that I could use alcohol to pep me up, do a little bit more work.

[00:20:38.225 – 00:20:45.785] And I, I had every reason to drink, very little reason not to drink.

[00:20:45.785 – 00:20:48.645] And so I went merrily on my way.

[00:20:48.645 – 00:20:50.045] I wasn’t seeking it out.

[00:20:50.045 – 00:20:51.545] I just took it when it was there.

[00:20:51.545 – 00:20:53.665] I don’t recall that I ever refused it.

[00:20:53.665 – 00:21:03.925] But I now know, and this is all in retrospect, ladies and gentlemen, as I look back, I very subtly slipped into a second stage

[00:21:03.925 – 00:21:07.565] after about two or three years of this stage of interest.

[00:21:07.565 – 00:21:12.045] I became somewhat preoccupied with drinking.

[00:21:12.045 – 00:21:16.185] That is to say, now I’m wondering when I can get my next drink.

[00:21:16.185 – 00:21:19.185] If I get invited to dinner, are they gonna serve booze?

[00:21:19.185 – 00:21:23.305] If I get invited out to a restaurant, does, do they have a cocktail lounge?

[00:21:23.305 – 00:21:28.085] Uh, how available and how frequently are the drinks going to come?

[00:21:28.085 – 00:21:36.885] At that time, I was living in Washington, D.C., teaching at Georgetown University, and liquor was very inexpensive.

[00:21:36.885 – 00:21:38.325] And I always took it…

[00:21:38.325 – 00:21:44.765] I had my own peculiar five-year plan of economy, buy four for the price of three kind of thing.

[00:21:44.765 – 00:21:50.905] And so this is, this was the second stage that I was in.

[00:21:50.905 – 00:21:52.745] Uh, it was on my mind.

[00:21:52.745 – 00:21:58.525] I didn’t drink all day, but, uh, I began to search out opportunities to drink.

[00:21:58.525 – 00:22:00.885] Uh, I didn’t have a guilty conscience about it.

[00:22:00.885 – 00:22:03.225] I just– it may have been a matter of economy.

[00:22:03.225 – 00:22:10.945] And I, I just couldn’t get that stuff off my mind because I thought how nice it is to have this around.

[00:22:10.945 – 00:22:12.785] Look at all the good things it does for me.

[00:22:12.785 – 00:22:22.805] And after about two or three years in that stage, and I was now in my early 40s, I know now that I had slipped into the stage

[00:22:22.805 – 00:22:30.885] of dependence on drinking, whether this– I think this was psychological dependence more than physical dependence.

[00:22:30.885 – 00:22:33.825] And now I began to keep it in my room.

[00:22:33.825 – 00:22:34.825] I had to have it around.

[00:22:34.825 – 00:22:40.365] Again, I wasn’t drinking all day, but I, I needed to know that it was there.

[00:22:40.365 – 00:22:43.945] I was beginning to drink, as we say, on cue.

[00:22:43.945 – 00:22:47.885] Come five o’clock, everybody drinks, has a drink at five o’clock.

[00:22:47.885 – 00:22:50.925] Come Friday, you have a couple of extra drinks.

[00:22:50.925 – 00:22:52.705] Cue drinking, we call it.

[00:22:52.705 – 00:23:02.725] Uh, I now when I went to a party, well, this is a rather conservative party I’m going to, so I had better get a few drinks on board before I

[00:23:02.725 – 00:23:03.765] go to the party.

[00:23:03.765 – 00:23:09.125] And I needed this, I thought, to function.

[00:23:09.125 – 00:23:18.705] I had now reached a point where if I didn’t have booze, I didn’t feel as if I could keep up the driving pace at which I worked.

[00:23:18.705 – 00:23:21.425] This is how I had conned myself.

[00:23:21.425 – 00:23:26.425] And so I needed it, I felt, for working.

[00:23:26.425 – 00:23:34.725] Now, I mentioned that quaint custom that we have in the Catholic Church, the old Catholic Church called Lent.

[00:23:34.725 – 00:23:41.485] And, uh, as time went on, I recognized that I was having some trouble with booze.

[00:23:41.485 – 00:23:49.305] And how I recognized this was be continually I would say to myself, “Now look, Al baby, you better be a good boy tonight.

[00:23:49.305 – 00:23:53.885] Only have two or three.” And I’d have six, seven, eight, nine or ten.

[00:23:53.885 – 00:23:57.605] And this happened rather routinely.

[00:23:57.605 – 00:24:02.865] And I knew that something was wrong, that now I know what it was.

[00:24:02.865 – 00:24:04.745] I didn’t know then know.

[00:24:04.745 – 00:24:13.505] I had lost control over the quantity that I drank, and I now was almost in the fourth stage.

[00:24:13.505 – 00:24:23.785] But Lent would come around, and I would say to myself, “Well, I think I’ll give up drinking for Lent.” Good, firm Lenten resolution.

[00:24:23.785 – 00:24:29.145] And I would be convinced that this is what I was going to do for the next forty days.

[00:24:29.145 – 00:24:34.405] And so I’d go through Ash Wednesday feeling good all over, feeling holy.

[00:24:34.405 – 00:24:43.665] And I’d come to the evening of Ash Wednesday, my first day without any alcohol, and I’d say, “Man, thirty-nine more days to go.

[00:24:43.665 – 00:24:54.065] Wow, maybe I rushed into this thing.” And I’d sit down, and I’d say, “I don’t think it’s reasonable for me to try to give up drinking completely.

[00:24:54.065 – 00:25:04.225] What I will do is I’ll give up the hard liquor and just allow myself beer and wine.” So I would revise my Lenten resolution.

[00:25:04.225 – 00:25:10.025] And I’d start out the next day, Thursday, and I’d feel good all over again.

[00:25:10.025 – 00:25:12.885] Gonna go through Lent, just no booze at all.

[00:25:12.885 – 00:25:16.985] And I’d get to about six o’clock on Thursday evening, and I’d be all strung out.

[00:25:16.985 – 00:25:20.925] Good grief, can I stand this thirty-eight more days?

[00:25:20.925 – 00:25:22.845] Uh, and I’d sit down.

[00:25:22.845 – 00:25:25.105] Let’s sit down and take a look at this again.

[00:25:25.105 – 00:25:27.545] Let us reason with myself.

[00:25:27.545 – 00:25:39.485] And then I’d think about it and how hard I work, and then I’d say, “Now look, Al baby, there’s no sense in being a religious fanatic about Lent.” I

[00:25:39.485 – 00:25:45.045] think I need to drink And little did I know how true that was in one sense.

[00:25:45.045 – 00:25:51.445] And so I give up that Lenten resolution and decide that instead I would be kind to people during Lent.

[00:25:51.445 – 00:25:54.215] And so…

[00:25:54.215 – 00:26:04.325] Now, that happened a couple of times and, and I began to get a little worried, but I kept on drinking because if you, if you can follow my peculiar way

[00:26:04.325 – 00:26:10.865] of thinking and my peculiar experiences, up until recently, booze had been nothing but good for me.

[00:26:10.865 – 00:26:19.345] Now it was beginning to get out of control, I thought, and, and I thought it was just a matter of getting things back into some sort of moderation.

[00:26:19.345 – 00:26:27.445] So I went to my superior and I said, “Father, I think I have a…” And this was long before I heard of AA.

[00:26:27.445 – 00:26:36.805] I said, “Father, I think I have a problem with drinking.” And he said, “Well, how much are you drinking, Al?” Now, this is typical of the, my sincere hypocrisy.

[00:26:36.805 – 00:26:41.825] I said, “Uh, about a pint a day.” Now, that was literally a half-truth.

[00:26:41.825 – 00:26:52.005] He said, “Well, where are you doing all this drinking?” “Well,” I said, “down in my office.” He said, “You mean to tell me you’re sitting down there in your office at night drinking

[00:26:52.005 – 00:26:56.085] alone?” I said, “Yeah.” “Well,” he says, “no wonder you think you got a problem.

[00:26:56.085 – 00:26:57.705] Don’t stay down there and drink alone.

[00:26:57.705 – 00:27:07.845] Come on up here and drink with us.” And he was telling

[00:27:07.845 – 00:27:09.365] me the best he knew how.

[00:27:09.365 – 00:27:15.265] He was a responsible, loving man, very, very good superior, truly a father.

[00:27:15.265 – 00:27:25.835] Then, then I found out as I, uh, actually, uh, I knew then that, that I was in trouble because I could not stop drinking, and I believed that

[00:27:25.835 – 00:27:27.125] this was the fourth stage.

[00:27:27.125 – 00:27:28.285] I was now addicted.

[00:27:28.285 – 00:27:31.785] I now had a physiological addiction to alcohol.

[00:27:31.785 – 00:27:32.625] I was hooked.

[00:27:32.625 – 00:27:34.625] I could not not drink.

[00:27:34.625 – 00:27:37.945] And I went on now desperately.

[00:27:37.945 – 00:27:40.485] I did not know what to do.

[00:27:40.485 – 00:27:43.625] AA was around.

[00:27:43.625 – 00:27:48.965] I remember reading Jack Alexander’s article, and this is, goes back over 20 years ago.

[00:27:48.965 – 00:27:51.975] But, uh, I, I couldn’t relate AA.

[00:27:51.975 – 00:28:01.585] Not that I resisted it, it just didn’t occur to me that somehow or other a priest could get mixed up with this rather odd organization called AA.

[00:28:01.585 – 00:28:10.585] And so I just kept on fumbling and groping and stumbling and becoming more miserable and more wretched.

[00:28:10.585 – 00:28:16.445] I very often would go three or four days without eating.

[00:28:16.445 – 00:28:18.865] I was a physical wreck.

[00:28:18.865 – 00:28:23.565] I’d end up in the hospital, and my good doctor always called it virus pneumonia.

[00:28:23.565 – 00:28:32.045] And I’d get out, and I’d be out a couple of days and thinking, “Well, that’s all I needed, was a little rest,” and I’d start drinking again.

[00:28:32.045 – 00:28:40.245] And then in a couple of little short while again or several more weeks, I’d end up again in bed taking a day off or going to the hospital again.

[00:28:40.245 – 00:28:45.325] I could see at that time the physical ravages.

[00:28:45.325 – 00:28:54.245] It was very clear to me that my physical well-being, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I knew that it was beginning to do things for me.

[00:28:54.245 – 00:28:57.245] And this I knew I was at the end of my rope.

[00:28:57.245 – 00:29:04.765] And at that time, and I’m wondering how many people in the audience had the same experience, I thought I was going insane.

[00:29:04.765 – 00:29:09.785] I now know I was, but I didn’t blame it on alcohol.

[00:29:09.785 – 00:29:11.485] Now I can blame that insanity on alcohol.

[00:29:11.485 – 00:29:21.714] In those days, I thought I was overworking, and I thought it was all this agitation as well as the drinking, but mainly the agitation and the hard work that was causing

[00:29:21.714 – 00:29:22.645] my difficulty.

[00:29:22.645 – 00:29:28.325] I was a terrible wreck physically and mentally at that time.

[00:29:28.325 – 00:29:38.425] That reminds me of a survey that some of my colleagues had been doing in the back hills of one of our southern counties, a little bit further south.

[00:29:38.425 – 00:29:46.685] And, uh, what they were studying, they heard that the people in this particular area lived to ripe old ages, like 105 and 115.

[00:29:46.685 – 00:29:52.485] So they were doing a survey to find out to what we could attribute these long years of life.

[00:29:52.485 – 00:29:58.865] So they were wandering back in the hills, and every time they saw an elderly person, they’d stop, and they’d put him through this survey.

[00:29:58.865 – 00:30:03.045] So they went by this one little old shack, and here was a guy sitting on a porch.

[00:30:03.045 – 00:30:06.965] He had a long white beard, long white hair.

[00:30:06.965 – 00:30:08.785] His eyes were sunk in.

[00:30:08.785 – 00:30:11.185] His cheeks had deep lines in them.

[00:30:11.185 – 00:30:14.205] So they figured he must be about 125.

[00:30:14.205 – 00:30:20.365] So they thought, “Here’s a good one to ask.” So they stopped their car and went up on the porch and said, “Good afternoon, sir.

[00:30:20.365 – 00:30:30.425] Could we interview you?” He says, “I, I reckon so.” They said, “Well, we just want to ask you a few questions.” They said, uh, “Do you smoke?” “Well, yes, I still

[00:30:30.425 – 00:30:40.545] smoke a corncob and a couple of cigars when I can get them.” “Well, do you have, uh, do you, uh,” in polite terms, “do you consort with women?” “Well,

[00:30:40.545 – 00:30:50.555] not exactly, but I did up until a couple of months ago.” “Well, what about drinking?” “Oh, I still drink two quarts a day when I can get it.” “Okay, sir, now the

[00:30:50.555 – 00:31:07.325] big question: How old are you?” “On my next birthday, I’ll be 29.” Now,

[00:31:07.325 – 00:31:09.045] I was in trouble, and I knew it.

[00:31:09.045 – 00:31:19.465] Now, fortunately, at that time, in that particular section of Washington, D.C., there was a gal who belonged to AA

[00:31:19.465 – 00:31:22.865] and at the personal level made no secret about it.

[00:31:22.865 – 00:31:30.854] If any of you are from Washington, D.C., you will recognize the name of Kitty W., pretty close to 30 years sober.

[00:31:30.854 – 00:31:34.505] And Kitty made no secret about the fact that she was in AA.

[00:31:34.505 – 00:31:41.485] So I went to Kitty, and I called her up, and I asked her, I said, “Kitty, I, I’m in trouble with drinking.

[00:31:41.485 – 00:31:51.516] Do you know what I can do?” And she said, “Yes, I do.” Now, that was by telephone, but I am delighted to say to all of you

[00:31:51.516 – 00:31:55.357] lovely women out there that it was a woman who 12 Stepped me.

[00:31:55.357 – 00:32:06.117] And, uh, I will be eternally grateful to you courageous gals, particularly in AA, as well as in Al-Anon, who

[00:32:06.117 – 00:32:15.457] have the courage of your convictions, and I think it is tough in this double standard, somewhat chauvinistic society.

[00:32:15.457 – 00:32:18.657] I think it’s tougher for a gal than it is for a guy.

[00:32:18.657 – 00:32:29.127] So I was 12 Stepped by a gal, and through her efforts and other people that she saw that I met, I heard about a place called Guest House, and

[00:32:29.127 – 00:32:32.357] I got permission from my superiors to go to Guest House.

[00:32:32.357 – 00:32:36.017] That is a convalescent home for alcoholic priests.

[00:32:36.017 – 00:32:46.047] And I went to Guest House, and I stayed there several months on a leave of absence, and I got my

[00:32:46.047 – 00:32:48.377] first introduction into AA.

[00:32:48.377 – 00:32:51.597] I will be eternally grateful to Guest House.

[00:32:51.597 – 00:33:01.877] Those of us who were there at the time, this is, uh, almost 20 years ago, lovingly referred to it as the home for unwed fathers in those days.

[00:33:01.877 – 00:33:12.017] And I got sober, and I left Guest House, and I want you to know

[00:33:12.017 – 00:33:13.857] that I was delightfully sober.

[00:33:13.857 – 00:33:15.717] I enjoyed my sobriety.

[00:33:15.717 – 00:33:18.797] I, uh, I was really on a high.

[00:33:18.797 – 00:33:20.717] I felt very holy.

[00:33:20.717 – 00:33:22.437] I was beginning to pray again.

[00:33:22.437 – 00:33:32.597] In fact, uh, tell you the kind of a mood I was in in those days, I, I was so sanctimonious that I used to call up Dial-A-Prayer every day wanting to know if there were any messages

[00:33:32.597 – 00:33:33.037] for me.

[00:33:33.037 – 00:33:40.937] And, uh, they told us to go to AA meetings, and, and I, I believe that.

[00:33:40.937 – 00:33:46.597] They said at least twice a week, and somehow or other in my mind, twice a week got fudged out of the picture.

[00:33:46.597 – 00:33:56.937] So I used to go to AA unless something more important interfered, like Gunsmoke or Mission: Impossible or a little rain.

[00:33:56.937 – 00:34:00.617] And, uh, once in a while I’d read the Big Book.

[00:34:00.617 – 00:34:03.697] No jokes in it, no pictures in it.

[00:34:03.697 – 00:34:05.117] I’d get tired of that.

[00:34:05.117 – 00:34:15.077] And I used to use that little manual, uh, uh, prayer manual, 24 Hours a Day, and criticize the theology in it.

[00:34:15.077 – 00:34:18.157] And you know what happened to me?

[00:34:18.157 – 00:34:19.197] You can already tell.

[00:34:19.197 – 00:34:20.677] I got drunk.

[00:34:20.677 – 00:34:25.657] But after two years, I got drunk again.

[00:34:25.657 – 00:34:30.097] And the miracle to me not is that I got drunk after two years.

[00:34:30.097 – 00:34:34.697] The miracle is to me that I stayed sober for two years with the kind of a program I had.

[00:34:34.697 – 00:34:38.177] Why did I pick up that first drink?

[00:34:38.177 – 00:34:39.797] Very simple.

[00:34:39.797 – 00:34:46.667] I didn’t know how to deal with that unpredictable urge to drink.

[00:34:46.667 – 00:34:56.737] I drifted back into various unmanageabilities, and this caused conflict in myself, and I didn’t know how to handle those

[00:34:56.737 – 00:34:59.137] except in the way I had done before, drink.

[00:34:59.137 – 00:35:09.757] So because I didn’t have the AA wisdom within me, because I didn’t know how to manage my life, the steps, they were something like guidelines

[00:35:09.757 – 00:35:12.877] that you read at meetings, something like the club rules.

[00:35:12.877 – 00:35:14.757] That’s how I looked on the 12 Steps.

[00:35:14.757 – 00:35:16.217] So I got drunk.

[00:35:16.217 – 00:35:19.777] And back to Guest House I went again.

[00:35:19.777 – 00:35:29.777] And this time, this was after slipping around for three and a half years, and dearly beloved, I want to tell you, I am one of the

[00:35:29.777 – 00:35:37.557] lucky ones that have a slip, a slip for three and a half to four years, and that get back into AA.

[00:35:37.557 – 00:35:43.657] Ladies and gentlemen, I know I am lucky or blessed or graced or whatever.

[00:35:43.657 – 00:35:50.877] Not too many people after any length of sobriety get back to AA.

[00:35:50.877 – 00:36:00.897] And I knew when I went back to AA, I knew when I went back to Guest House, I knew that I would have to see something

[00:36:00.897 – 00:36:03.577] in this program that I had not seen before.

[00:36:03.577 – 00:36:15.657] And I also knew that it was going to be a struggle, because I can tell you, after throwing away the

[00:36:15.657 – 00:36:21.077] wonderful, precious gift of sobriety, it’s hard to pick it up again.

[00:36:21.077 – 00:36:30.937] Particularly if you n- if you enjoyed your sobriety, the shame, the remorse.

[00:36:30.937 – 00:36:41.077] I don’t know how su- how close I was to suicide, but I can tell you that one night I did sit

[00:36:41.077 – 00:36:51.437] down with a.22 target pistol and a box of cartridges, and this is what I was just kind of playing around with when one of my friends

[00:36:51.437 – 00:36:53.877] came in and put the gun away.

[00:36:53.877 – 00:36:59.457] So I went back to Guest House the second time an empty man.

[00:36:59.457 – 00:37:01.157] No hope.

[00:37:01.157 – 00:37:07.347] Maybe some slight spark of faith.

[00:37:07.347 – 00:37:08.867] In what?

[00:37:08.867 – 00:37:09.997] I don’t know.

[00:37:09.997 – 00:37:12.017] Perhaps just in Guest House itself.

[00:37:12.017 – 00:37:22.417] I didn’t think of it in those terms, but now I know that I believe that Guest House was a power greater than myself, and that I could commit myself

[00:37:22.417 – 00:37:24.117] to the care of that greater power.

[00:37:24.117 – 00:37:34.127] And so I stayed, and I must confess that I sat around that place for several months, mentally flipping a coin as to

[00:37:34.127 – 00:37:39.557] whether I would stay another day or head deliberately for skid row.

[00:37:39.557 – 00:37:41.477] And I, I knew it had to be that choice.

[00:37:41.477 – 00:37:49.137] And so I, fortunately, I am a procrastinator, and I didn’t make the decision to leave.

[00:37:49.137 – 00:37:50.537] I just stayed another day.

[00:37:50.537 – 00:38:01.977] And then I began to do what they told me to do, to take the measure of my worth against

[00:38:01.977 – 00:38:03.657] the standard of the 12 steps.

[00:38:03.657 – 00:38:13.777] And so I began to very carefully, as conscientiously as I could, as wretched as I was, to go through each of the steps

[00:38:13.777 – 00:38:14.217] again.

[00:38:14.217 – 00:38:23.597] And I went through step one, and I had no difficulty at all seeing the powerlessness of my…

[00:38:23.597 – 00:38:33.597] of over alcohol, and the unmanageability of my life, and the reciprocity between my powerlessness over

[00:38:33.597 – 00:38:37.837] alcohol and the unmanageability of my life, and how they played on one another.

[00:38:37.837 – 00:38:48.657] I knew that my life was unmanageable before I became an alcoholic, but my alcoholism added a few unmentionable unmanageabilities,

[00:38:48.657 – 00:38:51.277] which created more guilt, more remorse.

[00:38:51.277 – 00:38:53.817] And so here I was in that downward spiral.

[00:38:53.817 – 00:38:57.617] I knew that I could see all of that, and so I could take that first step.

[00:38:57.617 – 00:39:07.297] And I believe that as crude as my taking that step was, that it was, at that point, a spiritual experience.

[00:39:07.297 – 00:39:17.357] I believe I began then, and I did not recognize it at that time, I began a journey of a series of spiritual experiences.

[00:39:17.357 – 00:39:21.617] And I then went on to the second step.

[00:39:22.969 – 00:39:32.529] And sensing this complete emptiness of myself, I knew that if there was a God at all, he had to be available to me.

[00:39:32.529 – 00:39:36.629] Otherwise, suicide was the only answer.

[00:39:36.629 – 00:39:42.249] We cannot have, as far as I can see, a one-step program for alcoholics.

[00:39:42.249 – 00:39:43.829] There has to be more.

[00:39:43.829 – 00:39:54.149] And so I could see not only the logic, but the necessity, the spiritual necessity of coming

[00:39:54.149 – 00:40:00.769] to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

[00:40:00.769 – 00:40:04.229] And I had no difficulty.

[00:40:04.229 – 00:40:09.329] I don’t believe that this step is talking about clinical insanity by any implication.

[00:40:09.329 – 00:40:12.229] I think it’s talking about soundness of mind.

[00:40:12.229 – 00:40:22.909] And I have found, as I am sure so many of you have found, that I could not only be restored to sanity, but far beyond any measure of sanity

[00:40:22.909 – 00:40:24.609] I had had before.

[00:40:24.609 – 00:40:35.109] And not only to sanity, but to serenity, to a harmony within myself, to not only accepting

[00:40:35.109 – 00:40:43.099] a higher power, but knowing that that higher power accepted me, which I had a difficult time believing in those days.

[00:40:43.099 – 00:40:51.909] So I was propelled into the third step by the first and the second.

[00:40:51.909 – 00:40:59.389] I look at the third step as being the completion of the first and second.

[00:40:59.389 – 00:41:09.849] It’s a step of logic, sublime logic, that I would make a decision or could make a decision

[00:41:09.849 – 00:41:16.809] to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understood him.

[00:41:16.809 – 00:41:26.969] And I saw as I was going through this third step and struggling with its significance in my life, the life of a priest, I could see

[00:41:26.969 – 00:41:29.749] where my difficulty was to some extent.

[00:41:29.749 – 00:41:40.089] Before, when I had gone through those steps, I had read this third step this way, turned

[00:41:40.089 – 00:41:42.409] my life and my will over to God.

[00:41:42.409 – 00:41:48.349] But I said to myself in the first time around, I am a priest.

[00:41:48.349 – 00:41:50.249] Look at my shiny white collar.

[00:41:50.249 – 00:41:51.909] Look at me.

[00:41:51.909 – 00:41:57.629] I’ve already turned my life and my will over to God by my ordination to the priesthood.

[00:41:57.629 – 00:42:00.229] What more can I do?

[00:42:00.229 – 00:42:10.449] Now I saw this second time around that the third step goes beyond my priesthood and in that sense

[00:42:10.449 – 00:42:12.769] transcends the priesthood.

[00:42:12.769 – 00:42:23.729] And no longer, as far as my relationship to God is concerned, no longer can I consider myself to have any

[00:42:23.729 – 00:42:28.389] particularly special privileges outside of the priesthood itself and what that means.

[00:42:28.389 – 00:42:32.859] But as a human being, sure I’ve got privileges the same as as a priest.

[00:42:32.859 – 00:42:40.189] But as a human being, I have no privileges any more than you do and you have as many as I do in that area.

[00:42:40.189 – 00:42:48.109] And what this third step tells me is, number one, that I’ve got to make a decision to do this.

[00:42:48.109 – 00:42:48.789] And I did.

[00:42:48.789 – 00:42:53.869] Feebly, falteringly, fumblingly, but I did.

[00:42:53.869 – 00:43:01.429] I made a decision that from now on my life would be placed at the disposal of God’s guidance.

[00:43:01.429 – 00:43:03.609] It’s in his care.

[00:43:03.609 – 00:43:08.029] And I do not X myself out of the picture.

[00:43:08.029 – 00:43:18.089] But what I do in this third step is that I form a partnership with God,

[00:43:18.089 – 00:43:19.289] with my Heavenly Father.

[00:43:19.289 – 00:43:30.389] And I feel uncomfortable in using words like intimate, but I am now intimate with this higher power in

[00:43:30.389 – 00:43:38.929] a sense that now he and I are inalterably one in my life.

[00:43:38.929 – 00:43:45.549] And I have never found any reason to be uncomfortable with that.

[00:43:45.549 – 00:43:53.209] I now know that where the will of God leads me, the grace of God can keep me.

[00:43:53.209 – 00:44:04.009] And that I now know that if God is God at all, he is infinite love

[00:44:04.009 – 00:44:10.929] and cannot have anything for me that comes from him except what is loving.

[00:44:10.929 – 00:44:14.109] And I truly believe that.

[00:44:14.109 – 00:44:19.189] And this third step has been my constant guide.

[00:44:19.189 – 00:44:29.349] And I believe that with steps one, two, and three having been completed in a sense, not

[00:44:29.349 – 00:44:34.069] completed, completed in the sense of trying to understand them, but not completed in the sense of living them.

[00:44:34.069 – 00:44:37.369] I can only live these steps one day at a time.

[00:44:37.369 – 00:44:47.389] But I have made what for me is an unchangeable, irreversible commitment to this third step running

[00:44:47.389 – 00:44:52.069] my life, the philosophy of the third step running my life from now on in.

[00:44:52.069 – 00:44:58.749] And when I take it back, it’s usually through weakness, never deliberately.

[00:44:58.749 – 00:45:08.849] And I know that my life, weak and sinful as it is, still is worth turning back to him, turning

[00:45:08.849 – 00:45:10.249] over to his care.

[00:45:10.249 – 00:45:16.428] I dare to say that my life is worth turning over to his care.

[00:45:16.428 – 00:45:26.429] And I might sound a little goofy up here, but I believe that reciprocally, God in exchange turns his life back

[00:45:26.429 – 00:45:29.269] over to me to transmit to others.

[00:45:29.269 – 00:45:33.697] through the medium of this fellowship, particularly my suf– fellow suffering alcoholics.

[00:45:33.697 – 00:45:38.197] And I believe that, and that encourages me, and I need to rely on that.

[00:45:38.197 – 00:45:44.617] So I have this third step, and now with that preparation, I can go to the other steps.

[00:45:44.617 – 00:45:54.737] I don’t think I would ever be able to face the fourth step and the fifth step if it hadn’t been for the spiritual experiences that I have had in the steps

[00:45:54.737 – 00:45:55.677] one, two, and three.

[00:45:55.677 – 00:46:04.617] And step four, to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of my life, was a spiritual experience.

[00:46:04.617 – 00:46:12.877] And as much as none of us like to do that, I know that the unexamined life is a waste.

[00:46:12.877 – 00:46:22.977] And thereby examining my life, I was delightfully sur- sur- surprised to find out it wasn’t as crummy as I

[00:46:22.977 – 00:46:23.817] thought it had been.

[00:46:23.817 – 00:46:30.777] And I could say that, and I could say also that it never need be that way again.

[00:46:30.777 – 00:46:40.777] And then there was that terrific spiritual challenge of the fifth step: admitted to God, to

[00:46:40.777 – 00:46:44.077] ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

[00:46:44.077 – 00:46:50.337] Now, I’m used to confession, but, you know, the dark box and to a priest.

[00:46:50.337 – 00:46:59.377] But I decided that what I needed to do was to joi- join the human race, and so I took my fifth step with one of the laity.

[00:46:59.377 – 00:47:09.437] I needed to do that, I felt, because I needed to be able to share at a human level exactly what it is that I

[00:47:09.437 – 00:47:11.497] am in my totality.

[00:47:11.497 – 00:47:15.777] And I am a product of my past, and I needed to share that.

[00:47:15.777 – 00:47:20.547] And I believe that the fifth step is challenging us to something like that.

[00:47:20.547 – 00:47:30.717] I believe that admitting to another human being is very necessary for a person like me because it’s only in that way that I can truly join you

[00:47:30.717 – 00:47:36.317] in the human condition and be one with you in all things human.

[00:47:36.317 – 00:47:46.357] And so, I believe that this third step and the fourth

[00:47:46.357 – 00:47:56.397] gave me another push towards experiencing spiritually the glories and sublimity

[00:47:56.397 – 00:47:58.477] of the sober priesthood.

[00:47:58.477 – 00:48:06.517] I gradually began to see at this time that what was happening is, was that there was a master plan unfolding in my life.

[00:48:06.517 – 00:48:16.617] And I know now that that master plan that we have in these 12 steps is unfolding in the life of each one of us

[00:48:16.617 – 00:48:24.017] as we make effort and as we need it, according to our efforts and according to our need.

[00:48:24.017 – 00:48:30.957] That masterful plan that’s in these 12 steps will make itself known, ladies and gentlemen.

[00:48:30.957 – 00:48:35.477] And so, I then…

[00:48:35.477 – 00:48:36.737] Sure.

[00:48:36.737 – 00:48:40.597] Uh, Bill Conway, would you…

[00:48:40.597 – 00:48:43.387] This is an interruption, and it’s an emergency.

[00:48:43.387 – 00:48:49.257] Bill Conway, would you check with the office immediately?

[00:48:49.257 – 00:48:52.897] The office of, uh, Con, where, what office?

[00:48:52.897 – 00:48:56.797] Uh, the office at the back of the hall.

[00:48:56.797 – 00:49:01.657] Will Bill Conway check with the office at the back of the hall immediately?

[00:49:01.657 – 00:49:02.647] It’s an emergency.

[00:49:02.647 – 00:49:03.837] Thank you.

[00:49:03.837 – 00:49:14.077] And so I could see this plan unfolding, and I knew that, that I could go on to these other steps because the six,

[00:49:14.077 – 00:49:22.977] seven, eight, nine steps were steps that I like to believe are going to give me a lifestyle, a way of living.

[00:49:22.977 – 00:49:29.257] I knew that I had to reform my whole value system, and these steps would do it.

[00:49:29.257 – 00:49:39.277] The sixth step said we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects

[00:49:39.277 – 00:49:42.017] of character, these unmanageabilities.

[00:49:42.017 – 00:49:45.436] Entirely ready, a reechoing of the third step.

[00:49:45.436 – 00:49:50.657] Entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

[00:49:50.657 – 00:49:52.097] I’m at His disposal.

[00:49:52.097 – 00:49:56.257] And the seventh step, humbly ask Him to remove these shortcomings.

[00:49:56.257 – 00:50:07.037] First of all, to recognize them as such, and then to recognize my own powerlessness, not only over alcohol, but

[00:50:07.037 – 00:50:10.517] very, over the unmanageabilities of my life.

[00:50:10.517 – 00:50:12.297] And therefore, I need help.

[00:50:12.297 – 00:50:18.837] That attitude that I need help, which was begun in the second step, I can say again in the seventh step.

[00:50:18.837 – 00:50:29.757] Humbly ask Him to remove these shortcomings, and then to try to straighten out my relationships with other people in the making the amends.

[00:50:29.757 – 00:50:31.887] And for me, dearly beloved, I, I…

[00:50:31.887 – 00:50:33.857] Excuse me, I don’t want to get churchy.

[00:50:33.857 – 00:50:43.897] For me, ladies and gentlemen, not only must I make amends, but I must have an attitude of gentle

[00:50:43.897 – 00:50:44.417] forgiveness.

[00:50:44.417 – 00:50:54.277] And I don’t know what your experiences are, but I find it more difficult to forgive those people whom I have harmed for, just for being there.

[00:50:54.277 – 00:50:58.667] I find it difficult to forgive them because…

[00:50:58.667 – 00:51:01.437] And I think the reason for that is that I know I’m indebted to them.

[00:51:01.437 – 00:51:11.997] So to go about s- the amends steps, to make a list of all the persons I had harmed, become willing to make amends to them all,

[00:51:11.997 – 00:51:16.457] to make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

[00:51:16.457 – 00:51:26.477] I know that I need to do this no matter how difficult it is, and the doing of it is a, an exercise in humility and in forgiveness of

[00:51:26.477 – 00:51:33.557] ourselves and of others, and is itself one of the most rewarding of spiritual experiences that we can have.

[00:51:33.557 – 00:51:37.917] And then we have the tenth, the eleventh, and the twelfth steps.

[00:51:37.917 – 00:51:44.207] The daily inventory step, which prepares me better to do the eleventh step.

[00:51:44.207 – 00:51:53.147] Continued to take personal inventory, and when I was wrong, promptly admit it.

[00:51:53.147 – 00:51:56.347] And my biggest difficulty is promptness.

[00:51:56.347 – 00:51:57.767] I’m a procrastinator.

[00:51:57.767 – 00:52:00.927] I figure if you’re going to be a procrastinator, you may as well be a pro.

[00:52:00.927 – 00:52:02.147] That’s what I am.

[00:52:02.147 – 00:52:09.707] But that prepares me to go on to this magnificent eleventh step.

[00:52:09.707 – 00:52:19.747] Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for

[00:52:19.747 – 00:52:22.627] us and the power to carry that out.

[00:52:22.627 – 00:52:25.467] Now, ladies and gentlemen, I’m not going to pull rank on you.

[00:52:25.467 – 00:52:30.407] I want you to know, however, that as a priest, I am a professional theologian.

[00:52:30.407 – 00:52:34.046] That doesn’t mean a thing to you, and I’m glad it doesn’t.

[00:52:34.046 – 00:52:44.086] But what it does mean is that I am acquainted with various methods of asceticism and sanctity in the, in

[00:52:44.086 – 00:52:47.207] the church, how people become holy.

[00:52:47.207 – 00:52:49.227] I can tell you all about it.

[00:52:49.227 – 00:52:51.387] I can’t demonstrate it, but I can tell you about it.

[00:52:51.387 – 00:53:01.387] And I can assure you that in all of the realm of ascetical theology, there is not a

[00:53:01.387 – 00:53:07.007] higher ideal than we drunks have in this eleventh step.

[00:53:07.007 – 00:53:12.627] And it’s given to us, and that says something to me.

[00:53:12.627 – 00:53:20.727] It says that we alcoholics are called to a sublime level of living, and if we don’t, our place is in the gutter.

[00:53:20.727 – 00:53:26.087] So we’ve got our choice, the dust or the stars.

[00:53:26.087 – 00:53:36.157] Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only

[00:53:36.157 – 00:53:41.487] for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

[00:53:41.487 – 00:53:43.327] We can’t strive any higher.

[00:53:43.327 – 00:53:44.627] That step is awesome.

[00:53:44.627 – 00:53:53.047] And I would suggest, if you think about it, there is a very lovely psychological dynamic operating in that eleventh step.

[00:53:53.047 – 00:54:03.747] If you think of practicing the eleventh step as a constant in your life, imagine what it is gradually doing to

[00:54:03.747 – 00:54:07.377] what we might call the alcoholic mentality.

[00:54:07.377 – 00:54:14.707] That eleventh step completely neutralizes that, uh, alcoholic mentality, which is self-will run riot.

[00:54:14.707 – 00:54:19.247] And the eleventh step directly confronts that and neutralizes that.

[00:54:19.247 – 00:54:26.207] And then we have the twelfth step, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps.

[00:54:26.207 – 00:54:32.767] We tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

[00:54:32.767 – 00:54:42.787] And all I’ve been trying to say is that the, all the spiritual experiences in each one of these steps leads to that spiritual awakening

[00:54:42.787 – 00:54:46.447] that goes on and on and on.

[00:54:46.447 – 00:54:52.967] Both of, all of us are much more awake than the day we came into AA.

[00:54:52.967 – 00:55:02.287] So that’s the master plan, and dearly, uh, ladies and gentlemen, I buy it.

[00:55:02.287 – 00:55:04.167] I still have my problems.

[00:55:04.167 – 00:55:09.727] I, I might as well tell you, I, I tend to be a whiner, W-H-I-N-E-R.

[00:55:09.727 – 00:55:11.917] Self, I tend to drift into…

[00:55:11.917 – 00:55:13.307] You know what a whiner is.

[00:55:13.307 – 00:55:17.507] That’s a person who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.

[00:55:17.507 – 00:55:18.267] That’s me.

[00:55:18.267 – 00:55:24.407] But I am beginning to grow a little.

[00:55:24.407 – 00:55:28.567] I am beginning to own myself.

[00:55:28.567 – 00:55:33.307] I have some degree of self-possession.

[00:55:33.307 – 00:55:42.787] And I think that I am about what all of you in AA and Al-Anon are about.

[00:55:42.787 – 00:55:45.267] We are on a journey.

[00:55:45.267 – 00:55:55.207] This is a journey that all men are destined to make, to find and then to possess themselves.

[00:55:55.207 – 00:56:01.226] If they fail in this, it doesn’t matter much what else they have done.

[00:56:01.226 – 00:56:08.427] Money, position, fame, many loves, all are of little consequence.

[00:56:08.427 – 00:56:14.187] And when the tickets are collected at the end of the ride, they are tossed into the bin marked failure.

[00:56:14.187 – 00:56:25.067] But if a man happens to find himself, if he knows what he can be depended upon to do, if

[00:56:25.067 – 00:56:35.327] he knows the limits and extent of his courage, the positions from which he will no longer retreat, the

[00:56:35.327 – 00:56:46.147] degree to which he can surrender his inner life to other persons, the secret reservoirs of his determination, the

[00:56:46.147 – 00:56:56.447] extent of his dedication, the depth of his feeling for beauty, his honest and unpostured goals, if

[00:56:56.447 – 00:57:06.467] he can find these, then he has found a mansion, namely self-possession, which he can inhabit with dignity all the

[00:57:06.467 – 00:57:07.607] days of his life.

[00:57:07.607 – 00:57:17.647] I’d like to close, dearly beloved, with something that I always close with, and it’s maybe stereotype because I’m

[00:57:17.647 – 00:57:24.307] sure you have heard it before or many of you have, because if you’ve heard me before, you’ve heard this before.

[00:57:24.307 – 00:57:29.607] And it’s about prayer.

[00:57:29.607 – 00:57:34.467] Prayer is not asking God for what we want.

[00:57:34.467 – 00:57:37.387] It’s asking God for what He wants.

[00:57:37.387 – 00:57:44.067] Prayer does not seek to change God’s will, but to find it.

[00:57:44.067 – 00:57:49.847] Many of us lose confidence in prayer because we do not recognize the answer.

[00:57:49.847 – 00:57:55.867] We ask for strength, and God gives us difficulties which make us strong.

[00:57:55.867 – 00:58:04.187] We pray for wisdom, but God sends us problems, the solving of which develop wisdom.

[00:58:04.187 – 00:58:13.607] We beg for prosperity, but God gives us instead brains and brawn to work.

[00:58:13.607 – 00:58:19.527] We plead for courage, and God gives us dangers to overcome.

[00:58:19.527 – 00:58:25.327] We ask for favors, and God gives us opportunities.

[00:58:25.327 – 00:58:34.907] And everything that I’ve been feebly trying to say up here, ladies and gentlemen, can be summarized in nine words.

[00:58:34.907 – 00:58:42.227] Without God, I cannot, and without me, He will not.

[00:58:42.227 – 00:58:43.027] Thank you very much.

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