Transcript

[00:00.1 – 00:01.9] Shares experience, strength, and hope with us. [00:01.9 – 00:03.7] Please help me welcome Terry. [00:03.7 – 00:14.2] I'm [00:14.2 – 00:14.6] Terry. [00:14.6 – 00:15.3] I'm an addict. [00:15.3 – 00:17.6] Hey, Terry. [00:17.6 – 00:18.6] I'm a heroin addict. [00:18.6 – 00:28.3] Um, that was a long time ago and, uh, it's amazing to me to be here with y'all tonight. [00:28.3 – 00:31.6] I raced as fast as I could up this hill. [00:31.6 – 00:41.6] It took me, like, three hours to make it from my house in Gilbert and all the way I was, uh, wanting to get here because I love the effect that Heroin Anonymous produces [00:41.6 – 00:42.2] in me. [00:42.2 – 00:47.3] Um, I started using at a really young age. [00:47.3 – 00:53.0] Uh, I may not look like a heroin addict to you today, but then again, y'all don't look that much like one to me either. [00:53.0 – 00:57.7] Because what I found out about this disease is it doesn't care what you look like. [00:57.7 – 00:59.7] It doesn't care where you come from. [00:59.7 – 01:08.3] It doesn't care whether you come from, uh, a family that's got it all together or a torn-up home or whether you're an or– It doesn't matter. [01:08.3 – 01:11.5] This disease destroys everything that it touches. [01:11.5 – 01:16.3] You know, and, um, I started super young, right? [01:16.3 – 01:20.4] I was a addict, I believe, by the time I was twelve or thirteen years old. [01:20.4 – 01:28.7] Even though I'm sixty-three now, the world was totally ill-prepared for young addicts. [01:28.7 – 01:32.0] Um, hell, it still is, right? [01:32.0 – 01:33.5] Mm-hmm. [01:33.5 – 01:38.0] Um, I remember when I– I remember when I first got busted for doing drugs. [01:38.0 – 01:44.6] I was in– It was either the seventh or the eighth grade, and I was going to Catholic school in Southern California. [01:44.6 – 01:49.1] And I'm, uh, number nine out of ten kids, right? [01:49.1 – 01:53.2] So, uh, we all went to Catholic school, and when we were like, you know… [01:53.2 – 01:56.8] It's like y- the family was disciplined, supposedly, right? [01:56.8 – 02:04.5] And we'd go to church, and my, uh, mom would be at the front and all ten of the kids in a row, my dad at the back. [02:04.5 – 02:08.5] And, um, they put us through Catholic school. [02:08.5 – 02:17.7] And I remember getting busted for doing a, a drug back then that was called Seconal or reds. [02:17.7 – 02:20.3] And, uh, reds were like… [02:20.3 – 02:21.3] They had no purpose. [02:21.3 – 02:22.9] There was no purpose for that drug. [02:22.9 – 02:26.2] All it did is you take it, and it would make you fall out, right? [02:26.2 – 02:31.8] So it– So, so you could buy, when I was young, you could get real value. [02:31.8 – 02:34.6] So you could get what was called a rack of reds. [02:34.6 – 02:36.7] That was four of them for a dollar. [02:36.7 – 02:38.7] And you could, uh… [02:38.7 – 02:42.3] I mean, that's just, you know, back then it was twenty pop bottles and you were in. [02:42.3 – 02:50.6] Or, or you could get what was called a roll of whites, which were Benzedrines, white crosses, and, uh, ten of those for a buck, right? [02:50.6 – 03:01.2] And it's crazy for me to think about the fact that I was, like, twelve, eating a rack of reds [03:01.2 – 03:02.2] and going to school. [03:02.2 – 03:03.1] Yes. [03:03.1 – 03:12.1] You know, and, uh, and I remember falling out and getting busted, and my mom was sick and dying with cancer. [03:12.1 – 03:22.5] She got cancer when I was eleven, and it just ravaged her, and she died, uh, right after I turned fifteen. [03:22.5 – 03:31.2] So in those years, you know, I'm on drugs, my family's in chaos, my life is just blowing apart. [03:31.2 – 03:41.6] But I remember when I got busted, uh, a kid rolled on me and, and the, the nuns called me into the office and they said, [03:41.6 – 03:51.6] “We know you've been doing them drugs.” “Uh, we know you've been doing red devils.” “And, um, and, and [03:51.6 – 03:53.5] we know that your mom is dying. [03:53.5 – 04:03.7] And if you tell us the truth, we're not gonna tell that woman because the truth will set you free, and we don't wanna [04:03.7 – 04:13.7] give your mother any more suffering than she's already experiencing.” So I sat there, you know, and I already been a little street urchin, and I kinda held on to the idea, the code of the streets, [04:13.7 – 04:15.0] that you don't ever give it up. [04:15.0 – 04:25.2] But I gave it up for my mom, and I said, “Yes, Sisters, I did it.” And they said, “Okay, [04:25.2 – 04:30.6] uh, you'll be all right.” And, uh, I remember when I got off the school bus that day. [04:30.6 – 04:34.2] My mom was a beautiful, proud Irish woman, right? [04:34.2 – 04:37.2] And back then, all your clothes had to be ironed. [04:37.2 – 04:47.3] Um, I walk, I, I walk into the house and my mom says, “Come here, I need to talk to you.” And she takes me back in the laundry room where she's ironing [04:47.3 – 04:57.4] clothes, and she looks at me and she said, “The school came by today, and they told me that my son is a filthy doper.” And she said, “The [04:57.4 – 05:01.9] shame you have brought on this family, the sha– I can't believe this. [05:01.9 – 05:07.4] The shame you've– I cannot tell your father 'cause if I, if I tell your father, he'll beat you to death. [05:07.4 – 05:11.8] And you may deserve that, but I need him to feed the rest of these kids. [05:11.8 – 05:19.8] So what you're gonna do is you're gonna take this secret to your grave, and I'm gonna take it to mine. [05:19.8 – 05:23.8] A grave that you have helped put me in early. [05:23.8 – 05:33.8] The shame you brought on your sister Cathy and your brother Jim and John and Rita and Maura and Brian and Michael and Colleen [05:33.8 – 05:34.5] and Kevin. [05:34.5 – 05:37.0] The shame you brought on this family. [05:37.0 – 05:38.6] Now get out of here. [05:38.6 – 05:49.1] You make me sick.” And I walked out of that room, a little boy with a drug problem, and [05:49.1 – 05:51.6] I w– Oh, man, that felt bad. [05:51.6 – 05:54.8] I knew what to do with those feelings, right? [05:54.8 – 05:58.6] I was already good at stuffing what I felt. [05:58.6 – 06:06.4] More dope, smoke more weed, more pills, whatever. [06:06.4 – 06:08.6] More pain, more shame. [06:08.6 – 06:09.9] Shame. [06:09.9 – 06:13.6] My mother, I know today, did the best she could to try to help her son. [06:13.6 – 06:15.2] That was all she had. [06:15.2 – 06:19.3] She didn't know that there w– you know, that shame doesn't change anything. [06:19.3 – 06:23.4] All it does is make everybody who, who it gets laid on sicker. [06:23.4 – 06:33.3] You know, but, but, uh, my mom carried it to her grave, and she went to that grave with me believing the last words she said to me were, “Get out of here. [06:33.3 – 06:38.0] You make me sick.” That's a hell of a load to carry throughout a lifetime, right? [06:38.0 – 06:40.3] That is not why I'm an addict. [06:40.3 – 06:43.8] I think I was one just because there was something about it. [06:43.8 – 06:53.9] There's a line in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that says, “Men and women drink essentially 'cause they like the effect produced by alcohol.” I say, [06:53.9 – 06:59.3] “No shit.” And if, if you like s– if you like alcohol, try some heroin. [06:59.3 – 07:01.5] You want some, you want some effect? [07:01.5 – 07:02.8] I'll show you effect. [07:02.8 – 07:09.5] So, um- You know, it was just terrible, man. [07:09.5 – 07:18.9] You know, but I did the best I could rolling with my street homies and, uh, and, uh, started robbing houses to support getting high. [07:18.9 – 07:22.8] And when I was eighteen years old, I got arrested for… [07:22.8 – 07:32.9] I had escaped getting arrested the whole time being a juvenile, and I turned eighteen, and twelve days after that, I got arrested for seven felony burglaries. [07:32.9 – 07:41.6] And, um, my dad hired a lawyer for me, and the lawyer was a drinking buddy of the judge. [07:41.6 – 07:46.3] And for a case of gin, they, uh… [07:46.3 – 07:56.3] That was all the lawyer charged was a case of gin that he split with the judge, and they gave me the opportunity to go into the army instead [07:56.3 – 07:57.2] of prison. [07:57.2 – 07:59.6] It was at the end of the Vietnam War. [07:59.6 – 08:03.2] Back then, you could trade prison time for military service. [08:03.2 – 08:04.7] They gave me that option. [08:04.7 – 08:06.4] I reported for duty. [08:06.4 – 08:11.4] I get, I get shipped over, I get shipped overseas to, uh, Germany. [08:11.4 – 08:14.7] And, uh, man, I'm a good soldier, right? [08:14.7 – 08:17.8] I mean, when they put me in basic training, I was a badass. [08:17.8 – 08:25.2] I got in the best shape of my life, you know, um, throwing grenades and shooting stuff. [08:25.2 – 08:27.7] Man, it was like, “Damn, this is chaos. [08:27.7 – 08:31.2] I love this stuff.” And, and I was a great soldier, right? [08:31.2 – 08:35.3] And I did really well because I had structure around me. [08:35.3 – 08:45.5] That's why I think I do really well in recovery because I have the twelve steps in tradition and all of you that create some structure [08:45.5 – 08:46.4] around me. [08:46.4 – 08:50.1] I am not a very good free-range kid. [08:50.1 – 08:57.0] You let me loose, and I have always just seemed to find what was bad. [08:57.0 – 09:03.5] You know, so I get shipped overseas to Germany, and I'm over there, and I'm being a good soldier. [09:03.5 – 09:13.5] And, uh, what they were doing, unbeknownst to me, was as Vietnam was winding down, there were tons of soldiers that were becoming heroin [09:13.5 – 09:16.4] addicts, uh, in Southeast Asia. [09:16.4 – 09:18.6] So they didn't know what to do with them. [09:18.6 – 09:24.3] They weren't shipping them back to the US, so they shipped them to Germany till their ETS time came out. [09:24.3 – 09:34.5] So I remember, like, um, showing up at my barracks, and it was a parade field with, like, five-story buildings, like, shaped like a U [09:34.5 – 09:36.9] and a giant marching field in the middle. [09:36.9 – 09:46.3] And you could look up at all of the windows, and you could tell which ones were the junkies because you could see the puke stains out the windows. [09:46.3 – 09:49.0] And it was like, I thought, “Man, I wonder what's that? [09:49.0 – 09:50.3] They need to paint this thing,” right? [09:50.3 – 09:57.8] And then, um, this dude says to me, “Hey, man, whatever you do,” in this, in the company I was in. [09:57.8 – 10:01.1] He goes, “Stay away from that guy over there. [10:01.1 – 10:06.7] His name is Shitty Smitty.” And I said, “Well,” of course, right away, what did I do? [10:06.7 – 10:09.1] “Hey, brother, what's up, man? [10:09.1 – 10:19.1] Why do they call you Shitty Smitty?” He goes, “Man, I don't know.” He was just So, uh, Shitty Smitty taught me, um, what it was [10:19.1 – 10:20.4] like to shoot heroin, right? [10:20.4 – 10:22.6] There was not even– There was no stop. [10:22.6 – 10:23.5] There was no thought. [10:23.5 – 10:24.1] There was no… [10:24.1 – 10:31.3] It just like, “You wanna shoot some heroin?” And the answer was, “Absolutely.” There was no thought about, um… [10:31.3 – 10:33.9] They tricked a lot of y'all. [10:33.9 – 10:38.6] You know, when oxies came on the scene, and then they tricked you with smoking. [10:38.6 – 10:42.3] You know, knowing that eventually, man, what's coming down the pipe. [10:42.3 – 10:43.7] This shit is wicked, right? [10:43.7 – 10:44.9] And the way that it comes at us. [10:44.9 – 10:49.5] But, you know, for me, man, I made that jump to shooting heroin. [10:49.5 – 10:58.7] And, uh, and it wasn't long be– You know, I started doing the heroin, and, and no time at all, the heroin started doing me. [10:58.7 – 11:01.3] You know what I'm talking about? [11:01.3 – 11:01.7] Mm-hmm. [11:01.7 – 11:06.9] It's like it stopped being something I wanted to do to something I had to do. [11:06.9 – 11:11.4] And if I didn't have heroin in me, I started to get dope sick fast. [11:11.4 – 11:18.2] And I know that as long as I was shooting heroin, I never experienced a cold or a flu. [11:18.2 – 11:18.5] Mm. [11:18.5 – 11:22.1] I just, you know, I just shot dope straight through life. [11:22.1 – 11:25.6] And, and, um, and it was all good, right? [11:25.6 – 11:33.2] Uh, so I started, uh, slinging heroin, um, shipping it across international borders. [11:33.2 – 11:37.1] You know, going to Amsterdam to cop, coming back to the barracks. [11:37.1 – 11:39.0] I was living dangerously, right? [11:39.0 – 11:43.6] And, um, and I was getting sicker and sicker and sicker. [11:43.6 – 11:47.4] And the heroin started taking more and more and more. [11:47.4 – 11:48.9] And I got, uh… [11:48.9 – 11:53.9] I took this trip back from, from, uh, Amsterdam with a bunch of heroin. [11:53.9 – 11:59.8] And I also had, uh, a letter that was written to me with a bunch of LSD in it. [11:59.8 – 12:09.8] So when we were approaching the, uh, border crossing, I went and I hid the heroin where I always hid the heroin on the train, and in a different place, I hur– I [12:09.8 – 12:12.0] hid the envelope with the acid. [12:12.0 – 12:16.3] And, uh, so they come through, they search everything. [12:16.3 – 12:18.2] I'm– I've been doing this gig for a while. [12:18.2 – 12:19.4] I'm with my girlfriend, right? [12:19.4 – 12:22.6] We were madly in love with heroin. [12:22.6 – 12:26.9] Um, I thought it was with each other. [12:26.9 – 12:34.7] And, uh, and then the guards come back to my rail car again. [12:34.7 – 12:39.1] “Can we see your passport again?” Ooh, that's not a good sign. [12:39.1 – 12:45.2] And they said, uh, “Come with us.” And they took me off the train in cuffs. [12:45.2 – 12:53.6] And I said to my woman, I said, “They found…” 'Cause they told me, “We found this envelope,” and they showed it to me. [12:53.6 – 12:58.7] They had found the envelope with the acid, and, uh, they hadn't found the heroin, right? [12:58.7 – 13:04.6] So I said to her, “Hey, um, they found an envelope with something in it they said's mine. [13:04.6 – 13:14.6] They didn't find anything else.” “I'll call you when I get released.” So they take me in, you know, I go through the whole deal, [13:14.6 – 13:15.7] strip search and all that stuff. [13:15.7 – 13:16.8] I'm talking to them. [13:16.8 – 13:17.7] They don't speak my language. [13:17.7 – 13:19.1] I'm spinning a tale. [13:19.1 – 13:20.0] “You're crazy. [13:20.0 – 13:26.9] That ain't me.” And finally, they can't really figure out what it is, so they put me on the next train and, uh, ship me, right? [13:26.9 – 13:32.8] Well, I wake up the next morning on the train, uh, pull into my station. [13:32.8 – 13:37.4] Now, I was buying a lot of heroin with a lot of other people's money. [13:37.4 – 13:46.2] And so, um, I called my girl, and I said, “Hey, baby, uh, they, they dropped everything. [13:46.2 – 13:46.9] I'm cool. [13:46.9 – 13:55.5] Uh, I need to come by and see you to pick up the package.” And she said it wasn't there. [13:55.5 – 13:59.9] And the way she said it, I knew she was lying, right? [13:59.9 – 14:07.0] And the way she said it, I knew there was nothing I could do other than go face what was waiting for me, right? [14:07.0 – 14:11.3] Which is if you don't show up with the money or the heroin, something's coming down. [14:11.3 – 14:20.0] So I end up, um, I end up walking into my barracks and being arrested again. [14:20.0 – 14:24.3] Maybe that arrest saved me from being beat to death or killed over that drug deal. [14:24.3 – 14:34.3] I get arrested, and they tell me, they said, “Listen, man, um, we know that you're running some dirty shit, so what we're gonna do is we're gonna let you sign this paper, which [14:34.3 – 14:37.7] is a discharge for the good of the service.” Right? [14:37.7 – 14:42.0] It's a discharge in other than honorable conditions. [14:42.0 – 14:45.4] Now, I come from a family of patriots, right? [14:45.4 – 14:48.4] Brothers that served in Nam, a family that cared. [14:48.4 – 14:50.9] We flew the flag, and there I was. [14:50.9 – 14:54.4] You know, now I've, uh, uh, I'm already a, a young doper. [14:54.4 – 15:02.4] I'm already filled with shame, and now I got a yellow stripe painted down my back, being thrown out of the military in disgrace. [15:02.4 – 15:09.6] Um, those are just some of the places that, you know, heroin takes you, right? [15:09.6 – 15:16.9] Before that happened, though, I wanted to share with you, like the lengths that I would go to, to do my dope. [15:16.9 – 15:24.4] I don't know if you'll find yourself in this story, but for me, um, when I started using, there is no stop. [15:24.4 – 15:34.6] I was in a train station in Stuttgart, Germany, one night, and, uh, I had missed the last train back to the barracks, so it's like two thirty in the morning, [15:34.6 – 15:37.5] and I'm in this gi– I'm in a city of three hundred thousand people. [15:37.5 – 15:42.4] I'm in this giant train station, and, uh, I'm the only person in it. [15:42.4 – 15:49.4] Next train's not for three hours, and I start getting dope sick, so I gotta shoot some dope. [15:49.4 – 15:53.2] So I go, and I, uh, check the men's room, and it's locked. [15:53.2 – 15:55.5] I go to check the ladies room. [15:55.5 – 15:56.3] It's open. [15:56.3 – 15:57.5] There's nobody in there. [15:57.5 – 16:00.1] So I get my spoon. [16:00.1 – 16:04.5] I go to turn on the water to get some water, and the water doesn't work. [16:04.5 – 16:10.5] So it's a one-stall bathroom, so I figure I'll lift the back of the lid off the toilet, right? [16:10.5 – 16:12.7] Wasn't that kind of toilet. [16:12.7 – 16:17.0] And I look at this toilet, and it is– I, I'm trying. [16:17.0 – 16:18.1] It's disgusting, man. [16:18.1 – 16:22.3] Um, this toilet has a mountain of shit. [16:22.3 – 16:26.9] The, the, the travelers all– The toilet had not flushed. [16:26.9 – 16:31.4] The tra– The toilet didn't flush, and all day long, the travelers… [16:31.4 – 16:38.8] If I had to go, I'd illustrate for you, but- -the travelers just go right on up there, and they just drop one on the mounting pile. [16:38.8 – 16:43.0] And surrounding it was a moat of piss. [16:43.0 – 16:51.6] And I thought, “Well, the fire will kill the germs.” And I drew that liquid up, man, and there wasn't a second thought about that shit. [16:51.6 – 16:55.9] It was just like, it was not a matter of, is this wrong? [16:55.9 – 16:56.8] Yeah. [16:56.8 – 16:59.0] Um, is this unsanitary? [16:59.0 – 17:00.8] There was no thought of that, man. [17:00.8 – 17:01.8] I needed the dope. [17:01.8 – 17:02.7] Can you dig that? [17:02.7 – 17:05.8] Yeah, 'cause when I need the dope, I do the dope. [17:05.8 – 17:08.6] So I just drew it up. [17:08.6 – 17:09.4] I cooked it. [17:09.4 – 17:14.2] Hepatitis B, hepatitis C, medically evacuated from Europe. [17:14.2 – 17:16.2] It didn't work out quite like I had thought. [17:16.2 – 17:21.6] But, you know, I'm the kind of guy that would take, uh, take my… [17:21.6 – 17:31.6] You know, this is before AIDS, and I would take the match, I would take a matchbox and my point and sharpen it, run it against the tender part of my [17:31.6 – 17:33.5] skin to see if there was a burr. [17:33.5 – 17:33.8] Yeah. [17:33.8 – 17:39.1] I got a hole in my arm that is a nasty hole. [17:39.1 – 17:49.5] It's right there, and that's from slamming without a needle because [17:49.5 – 17:51.4] all I had was a syringe. [17:51.4 – 17:53.5] I had the dope. [17:53.5 – 17:55.5] I had the rig, just no needle. [17:55.5 – 17:58.9] You talk about we stood at the turning point. [17:58.9 – 17:59.7] No shit. [17:59.7 – 18:03.7] I, I just thought, “Well, okay, what are my choices,” right? [18:03.7 – 18:05.9] I got a rig filled with dope. [18:05.9 – 18:07.8] I have no way to do it. [18:07.8 – 18:10.5] I got no needle. [18:10.5 – 18:11.8] I can't find the needle. [18:11.8 – 18:12.9] What are my choices? [18:12.9 – 18:16.9] So I start running my own, like, first inventory, like what are my options here? [18:16.9 – 18:19.4] I can squirt it in my mouth. [18:19.4 – 18:24.2] I could save it till tomorrow. [18:24.2 – 18:34.3] And then I hear this voice say, “Just shove it up your ass.” No, man, nothing [18:34.3 – 18:35.5] goes in my ass. [18:35.5 – 18:38.3] That's somebody else's story. [18:38.3 – 18:44.6] And then, and then I, and then I hear this voice say, “Just shoot up without the needle.” Good idea. [18:44.6 – 18:47.1] So I tie it off and bam! [18:47.1 – 18:47.8] Ooh. [18:47.8 – 18:53.0] I may have crossed some line. [18:53.0 – 18:59.0] You know, I may have entered a realm of abnormal use. [18:59.0 – 19:09.2] I remember stripping power wires out of walls to get the metal to push [19:09.2 – 19:12.7] through the blood-packed points. [19:12.7 – 19:14.6] That's what it was. [19:14.6 – 19:21.4] You know, we didn't have needle exchanges and stuff like that, and thank God all the good work that's being done these days to try to make a difference. [19:21.4 – 19:24.9] But the fact is that, that heroin destroyed me, right? [19:24.9 – 19:27.8] And, um, it laid my life to waste. [19:27.8 – 19:31.0] But I, I'm a good person, right? [19:31.0 – 19:32.3] I have a bad disease. [19:32.3 – 19:36.4] So I get back to the States, um, I pull it together. [19:36.4 – 19:37.7] I go to college. [19:37.7 – 19:42.1] Um, I meet this woman, right? [19:42.1 – 19:43.4] My wife, Donna. [19:43.4 – 19:46.4] She is smoking hot, man. [19:46.4 – 19:53.5] My wife, Donna, is, uh, got these blue eyes that are so big, and they sparkle like the sea, right? [19:53.5 – 19:59.9] And when I met her, I just fell into those eyes, and I was in a good place in my life, right? [19:59.9 – 20:01.6] I was doing good. [20:01.6 – 20:03.1] Things were cool. [20:03.1 – 20:05.2] You know, we're not bad people. [20:05.2 – 20:08.7] It's a bad disease, but my life kinda goes like a rollercoaster. [20:08.7 – 20:15.7] In fact, if I were to tell you how my life went most of the time is when, when things are bad, I'm good. [20:15.7 – 20:20.2] Like, when shit's bad, I can bear down and pull it off. [20:20.2 – 20:25.0] But when things go good, I go bad. [20:25.0 – 20:28.1] And that's just the way it always went for me, right? [20:28.1 – 20:35.9] So I met this woman, man, and she was so cool, and I thought I had better marry her fast because the last thing on earth I wanted her to do… [20:35.9 – 20:46.0] 'cause I knew back deep down inside me that there was this something in me that came up kinda like, maybe like a werewolf [20:46.0 – 20:46.5] or something. [20:46.5 – 20:47.0] I don't know. [20:47.0 – 20:53.2] Just like I had these changes that would occur to me where I would just go nuts with drugs and alcohol. [20:53.2 – 20:58.0] So, um, I married her, and we took off. [20:58.0 – 21:03.1] We started a company, built big success, started to roll. [21:03.1 – 21:05.5] I bought her a BMW for Christmas. [21:05.5 – 21:13.2] You know, in the big book, it says that we addicts and alcoholics are above average people, that we're capable of tremendous things. [21:13.2 – 21:21.4] And I can tell you, I know that to be a fact based on the twenty-seven years of my continuous sobriety. [21:21.4 – 21:30.0] Because I've sponsored tons of dudes, and I've watched men and women come up out of the grave that they were digging for themselves. [21:30.0 – 21:39.7] Every time that I shot that dope, every time that I drank that booze or smoked that coke or took those pills, it was like I was digging my own grave. [21:39.7 – 21:49.4] And, and I was almost ready to have that last shovelful of dirt put over my face when somebody worked their twelve-step on me. [21:49.4 – 21:54.3] And then I was able to come in and say– 'cause I've seen what we do sober. [21:54.3 – 22:00.6] When I got sober, I looked at my life like it was a mountain of shit. [22:00.6 – 22:10.8] It was like I looked at my life like here was this mountain between me and a good life, and there was no [22:10.8 – 22:12.9] way I could see over that mountain. [22:12.9 – 22:15.5] I was thirty-five years old. [22:15.5 – 22:23.1] I was bankrupt, repo'd, uh, unemployed, unemployable. [22:23.1 – 22:25.9] I weighed a hundred and forty pounds. [22:25.9 – 22:28.6] My marriage was on the rocks. [22:28.6 – 22:31.0] My kids had no respect for me. [22:31.0 – 22:33.0] My dogs growled at me. [22:33.0 – 22:35.2] My parents were dead. [22:35.2 – 22:38.6] My brothers and sisters, none of them would talk to me. [22:38.6 – 22:42.2] When I walked into the room, they'd get up and walk out. [22:42.2 – 22:51.7] When the world turned its back on me, Heroin Anonymous and places like this opened their arms to me. [22:51.7 – 23:01.0] And what happened was, you know, I mean, I burnt my life to the ground, and I was looking at this mess. [23:01.0 – 23:03.0] I was looking at this insanity. [23:03.0 – 23:11.6] I was looking at this, you know, that I was taking fifty percs a day, that I was on methadone, that I was drinking booze. [23:11.6 – 23:16.5] I was smoking crack like a wild man, and nothing could fill that [23:16.6 – 23:26.7] That hole in my soul, all I wanted to do was die, and I was doing a pretty damn good job of killing myself [23:26.7 – 23:29.0] one hit of dope at a time. [23:29.0 – 23:32.0] I had this hole in my soul. [23:32.0 – 23:42.1] A Spanish philosopher in the fifteen hundreds named Spinoza said, “I have a God-shaped hole in my soul.” And the [23:42.1 – 23:49.2] only thing that fills that God-shaped hole in my soul is the God of my under– my own understanding. [23:49.2 – 23:53.3] And the way I found that God was working the twelve steps. [23:53.3 – 23:56.0] Nothing else worked for me. [23:56.0 – 23:58.1] I tried to put dope in that hole. [23:58.1 – 24:00.2] I tried to put money in there. [24:00.2 – 24:05.4] I tried to put women and power, control, materialism. [24:05.4 – 24:07.7] Nothing ever worked. [24:07.7 – 24:17.8] My life just kept getting worse to where I was at a place where I had outwardly many things [24:17.8 – 24:20.2] people would consider worth having. [24:20.2 – 24:22.7] I had a, a wife that loved me. [24:22.7 – 24:24.8] I had kids. [24:24.8 – 24:26.3] I owned a home. [24:26.3 – 24:29.8] You know, I mean, outwardly it looked pretty cool. [24:29.8 – 24:39.9] On the inside, it was me and my madness locked in mortal combat, and I was getting [24:39.9 – 24:43.3] my ass kicked every single day. [24:43.3 – 24:53.6] And I was at a place where I'd raise my right hand to God, and I'd swear on my dead mother's grave or the lives of my children, “I will never do this again,” [24:53.6 – 24:54.9] and then I would do it again. [24:54.9 – 25:01.0] And then I would raise my right hand, and I would swear on everything sacred I would never do this again. [25:01.0 – 25:05.7] And then a we– and people around me go, “Wow, he really means it. [25:05.7 – 25:10.2] Look at how good he's doing.” And the next thing you know, I'm gone, and so is the VCR. [25:10.2 – 25:14.4] It's like that was the cycle of my life. [25:14.4 – 25:21.6] And, and every time I tried to stop and failed, I wanted to try even less. [25:21.6 – 25:23.4] What was the point? [25:23.4 – 25:24.7] Nothing worked. [25:24.7 – 25:27.4] And I woulda died out there. [25:27.4 – 25:33.6] I'm absolutely convinced of this because I was already in the dying process. [25:33.6 – 25:44.2] You know, I remember when I got into treatment, and they said to me, “Terry, what do you fear more, dying or losing your family?” And [25:44.2 – 25:51.0] I said, “Losing my family.” And some of the patients, they were like, you know, assassins like, “Oh, that's bullshit, man. [25:51.0 – 25:54.9] Death is final.” I said, “I'm not afraid of dying. [25:54.9 – 25:56.9] I'm already dead. [25:56.9 – 26:04.5] Don't you get that?” The spiritual death that precedes the physical one had already happened to me. [26:04.5 – 26:07.6] But I love my family. [26:07.6 – 26:10.3] You may hear you can't get sober for another person. [26:10.3 – 26:14.5] Well, I couldn't get sober for me because I didn't care about me. [26:14.5 – 26:22.6] But those two little boys, seven and three, damn, I wanted to do better for them. [26:22.6 – 26:32.7] For that woman who loved me, who I watched her blue eyes turn like the eyes of a shark, gray and dark and hopeless, [26:32.7 – 26:35.8] I ca– still cared for her. [26:35.8 – 26:38.7] Somebody worked their twelve step on me. [26:38.7 – 26:40.3] It was in a pawn shop. [26:40.3 – 26:42.4] I was selling my stuff. [26:42.4 – 26:49.3] I had pawned it in the morning to get some dope, and then I went back to the pawn shop in the afternoon to sell what I had pawned. [26:49.3 – 26:59.4] And the guy in the pawn shop looked at me, and he said, “Dude, I don't know if you're in trouble or not, but if you are…” And the minute he started talking, my mind [26:59.4 – 27:00.3] slammed shut. [27:00.3 – 27:06.6] Like, “Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa, wa.” “Uh, here I go one more time. [27:06.6 – 27:08.7] I'm gonna get another good talking to. [27:08.7 – 27:11.8] I'm gonna have one more person tell me, 'What's wrong with you, dude? [27:11.8 – 27:13.0] You got so much potential. [27:13.0 – 27:17.1] What about your fam…'” Man, I've had the best talking tos my whole life. [27:17.1 – 27:21.7] If a good talking to would've changed me, I would've already changed. [27:21.7 – 27:27.8] If when my mother shamed me, if shame would've brought change, I would've already changed. [27:27.8 – 27:34.4] When my dad used the strap on me to beat sense into me, if that could've changed me, I would've changed. [27:34.4 – 27:38.7] If when the schools counseled me, if that could've changed me, I would've changed. [27:38.7 – 27:43.1] If when the police arrested me, if that could've changed me, I would've changed. [27:43.1 – 27:49.0] When the judges sentenced me, when the military court-martialed me, nothing changed for me. [27:49.0 – 27:57.2] And there I am in this pawn shop, and the dude says, um, he starts talking his shit, and I'm thinking, “Oh, great, one more lecture. [27:57.2 – 28:00.2] I'm gonna have to listen to this dude 'cause I need the money. [28:00.2 – 28:07.2] I need the dope.” But what was different about this cat is he flipped it. [28:07.2 – 28:11.3] And he started talking about himself. [28:11.3 – 28:18.7] In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and our experience in Heroin Anonymous tells us what to do. [28:18.7 – 28:22.5] Don't talk from moral or spiritual hilltop. [28:22.5 – 28:27.8] Tell them your story, and that's what that cat did. [28:27.8 – 28:34.7] He said, “I don't know if you're in trouble or not, but I used to be in trouble.” He said, “I couldn't stop drinking. [28:34.7 – 28:40.3] I couldn't stop drugging, and I went to this detox,” and he even drew a mental map where the detox was. [28:40.3 – 28:50.4] And he's telling me all this stuff, and he said, “You know, I couldn't stop, and I, uh, went to this place, and I got sober, [28:50.4 – 29:00.7] and I've been clean and sober for four years now.” He said, “And I own this pawn shop and everything in it.” And then he went, “You know, a lot of it used to be yours.” [29:00.7 – 29:11.4] I'm thinking, “Man, that is cold-blooded, right?” An [29:11.4 – 29:21.7] addict properly armed with the truth about themselves, with a working knowledge of these twelve steps Can do for another addict what no [29:21.7 – 29:25.9] other human power can possibly touch. [29:25.9 – 29:36.0] Every one of us sitting in this room tonight, whether we're sober for a minute or celebrating those big two and three-year birthdays and the [29:36.0 – 29:38.3] one year, it doesn't matter. [29:38.3 – 29:42.1] Every one of us has got a story to tell and a song to sing. [29:42.1 – 29:48.6] And when we tell our story to another, what happens is the miracle of Heroin Anonymous comes alive. [29:48.6 – 29:52.7] And in someone else's story, I started to hear mine. [29:52.7 – 29:55.3] And my life started getting better, right? [29:55.3 – 30:01.2] And, and I heard things like, um, “Go to a lot of meetings,” so I started going to a lot of meetings. [30:01.2 – 30:07.9] And then I heard stuff like, “Get involved in jail work, hospitals, and institutions,” so I started doing that when I had six months. [30:07.9 – 30:14.0] You know, I have done the same jail– I, I do seven jail and prison meetings a month. [30:14.0 – 30:17.0] I'm not saying that to glorify myself. [30:17.0 – 30:27.1] I'm just trying to tell you that a dude who traded his wedding ring for dope, that a dude who robbed his kids' bank accounts for dope, a dude that broke every person's [30:27.1 – 30:32.8] heart and every promise I ever made, has been able to live up to these commitments. [30:32.8 – 30:37.9] I've been doing these meetings for twenty-seven straight years. [30:37.9 – 30:46.9] And every time I go into a correctional facility, and I sit with the men, and sometimes I get to go into the women's prison out in Perryville. [30:46.9 – 30:56.9] And when I go into those places, I see myself, and I see the power of Heroin Anonymous that even has meetings in those [30:56.9 – 30:57.4] places. [30:57.4 – 31:07.4] And, and I see what's happening because once someone is armed with the truth about the power of Heroin Anonymous and these twelve steps, [31:07.4 – 31:10.9] they are set free whether they're in a prison cell or not. [31:10.9 – 31:20.1] I know that's true because I know what it's like to be physically free and be a prisoner. [31:20.1 – 31:26.1] I spent most of my life serving a needle or a crack pipe. [31:26.1 – 31:32.0] So I started doing the work that other people did, and the rewards started happening. [31:32.0 – 31:38.9] And the next thing you know, my kids are liking me, and they're wanting to play, and the dogs wanna, like, have me throw a ball, and they're not growling. [31:38.9 – 31:42.7] And, and my wife is like, the blue's coming back in her eyes. [31:42.7 – 31:45.2] And I see that magic, right? [31:45.2 – 31:55.7] And, and I keep doing it, and I start showing up at their school events, and I start fully participating because what I'm doing is I'm following [31:55.7 – 32:03.4] the well-marked path of the soldiers, the men and women who trudged this road of happy destiny before me. [32:03.4 – 32:05.9] And I started to do what they did. [32:05.9 – 32:16.4] And in that process, I started to find a higher power because I will tell you what, man, after those nuns burned me, uh, [32:16.4 – 32:20.0] there wasn't much, uh, in my heart for God. [32:20.0 – 32:23.7] I knew for sure if there was a God, he didn't believe in me. [32:23.7 – 32:33.9] But what I found by doing this work is I found a relationship with this creator of the universe, a higher power, a God of my own understanding, who I know loves and cares [32:33.9 – 32:34.5] about me. [32:34.5 – 32:39.8] They asked a minister in the earliest days, and there's nothing new about that. [32:39.8 – 32:40.8] Bill W. [32:40.8 – 32:43.1] said, “You know, Heroin Anonymous is a new fellowship. [32:43.1 – 32:45.3] What you're doing up here is still brand new. [32:45.3 – 32:48.2] You are literally like the first apostles. [32:48.2 – 32:58.3] You are the ones here that are getting these meetings going and lighting that fire and showing the way of hope.” What Bill said in those early gatherings, there [32:58.3 – 33:01.6] was more spirit than air in those rooms. [33:01.6 – 33:11.8] That's what I felt when I walked in here tonight, kinda jacked from an– a stressful drive, but wanting to be here so desperately to share the love that's [33:11.8 – 33:15.5] in my heart for recovery and for Heroin Anonymous with all of you. [33:15.5 – 33:24.3] You know, and, um, they asked this minister at the beginning of AA, they go, “What's the secret of the program?” He said, “First off, there's no secrets. [33:24.3 – 33:35.1] What you do is you find a man or a woman who seems to have found the solution to the problem, and then do what they did, [33:35.1 – 33:43.3] and eventually you'll come to know the power behind that person.” The work that's happened in my life is not of mine. [33:43.3 – 33:44.5] I show up. [33:44.5 – 33:46.5] I got great daily disciplines. [33:46.5 – 33:49.0] I start my day on my knees every day. [33:49.0 – 33:51.0] I roll out of bed onto my knees. [33:51.0 – 33:53.4] I never step out into the world. [33:53.4 – 34:02.3] I start on my knees as an act of surrender, and I say, “God, just for today, please keep me clean and sober,” because I can't keep myself clean and sober. [34:02.3 – 34:09.4] And then what I do is I get up, and I tend to my business, take a piss, get ready to have the day, do some meditation. [34:09.4 – 34:16.4] And then at the end of my day, I get on my knees in that same place, and on my knees, I do my nightly review. [34:16.4 – 34:19.1] And I review that day. [34:19.1 – 34:25.8] And at the end of it, I tell my higher power, “Thanks for this day of sobriety.” And then I pray for those who are still suffering. [34:25.8 – 34:28.2] And then I pull myself up into that bed. [34:28.2 – 34:32.3] So the first thing that touches the floor every day of my life are my knees. [34:32.3 – 34:39.9] The last thing that touches every day of my life are my knees, and I do my best not to screw up what happens in between. [34:39.9 – 34:43.2] And that is a simple and easy formula for living. [34:43.2 – 34:53.3] I stay in the middle of this fellowship because I know a factual– Here's a fact: You cannot fall off a building if you're standing in the middle [34:53.3 – 34:53.9] of the roof. [34:53.9 – 34:59.2] Find the middle of the roof for you, like I found it for me. [34:59.2 – 35:02.6] The middle of the roof for me is Heroin Anonymous. [35:02.6 – 35:12.7] The middle of the roof for me are the rooms of recovery, where I meet my fellow travelers, and I hear your stories of suffering and madness, and I share your [35:12.7 – 35:14.8] joys, and I share your sorrows. [35:14.8 – 35:19.2] We laugh together, we cry together. [35:19.2 – 35:23.2] We come alive together. [35:23.2 – 35:26.4] My soul came alive. [35:26.4 – 35:30.3] Now, I am six foot four, maybe a little taller. [35:30.3 – 35:34.8] When I came into rooms, I was like six one and a half, six two. [35:34.8 – 35:38.5] Now, I know you don't grow between thirty-five and sixty-three. [35:38.5 – 35:40.6] At least they say you don't. [35:40.6 – 35:46.2] I was probably this height all the time, but it was– I could never look the world in the eyes. [35:46.2 – 35:46.9] Mm-hmm. [35:46.9 – 35:56.1] Compressed by the weight of my guilt and my shame, with the merciless disease talking in my ear all the time, “You ain't nothing but nothing, motherfucker. [35:56.1 – 35:57.8] Who do you think you are? [35:57.8 – 35:59.7] You know what you did to that person. [35:59.7 – 36:00.7] You know how you ripped them off. [36:00.7 – 36:01.7] You know how you cut that dope. [36:01.7 – 36:03.6] You know how you turned that person on. [36:03.6 – 36:10.6] Now they're strung out and ruined their life.” Those are the stories of my disease, this merciless thing that spins around in my head. [36:10.6 – 36:14.4] But the difference is, this program has given me tools to push back. [36:14.4 – 36:17.4] So when my head starts talking to me like that, you know what I do? [36:17.4 – 36:18.4] I get quiet. [36:18.4 – 36:23.2] I take a deep breath, and I tell my head, “Thank you for sharing. [36:23.2 – 36:27.9] Now shut the fuck up.” Because I got a life to live here. [36:27.9 – 36:35.6] And in doing this thing called recovery, I have become the man I always knew in my heart I was capable of being. [36:35.6 – 36:43.3] The only thing that limits the power of these steps is a lack of willingness in most folks or that they're too afraid to try. [36:43.3 – 36:53.4] In step ten, in the big book, it says, “We have entered the realm of the spirit.” I go through my life, I'm prayer, I'm a meditator, [36:53.4 – 36:55.4] I, I work all twelve steps. [36:55.4 – 36:59.3] You'll hear a lot of definitions of insanity in the rooms, right? [36:59.3 – 37:02.6] Like doing the same thing over and over, expecting different result, right? [37:02.6 – 37:03.6] You know what I'm talking about? [37:03.6 – 37:07.0] I'm gonna give you my definition of insanity. [37:07.0 – 37:11.8] Being in a twelve-step program and not working the twelve steps. [37:11.8 – 37:13.8] That's insane. [37:13.8 – 37:17.0] I work all twelve of the steps. [37:17.0 – 37:19.3] I don't make excuses. [37:19.3 – 37:21.4] Meditation's hard for me too, but I do it. [37:21.4 – 37:31.4] I don't make excuses for it because there was no way I would see there's a formula for success here, and when I follow one through twelve, I experience the results [37:31.4 – 37:32.5] of one through twelve. [37:32.5 – 37:42.6] I would no more think about taking a process out of shooting dope than I would think about taking a step [37:42.6 – 37:43.6] out of here. [37:43.6 – 37:47.3] When I'm shooting my dope, I followed an exact process. [37:47.3 – 37:49.9] You know what I'm talking about? [37:49.9 – 37:51.5] Mm-hmm. [37:51.5 – 37:58.4] One thing and the next, and the next, and the next, and you follow it in exact order to get the desired effect. [37:58.4 – 38:00.7] It's the same thing with these steps. [38:00.7 – 38:03.4] I did my own dope. [38:03.4 – 38:06.6] I do my own recovery. [38:06.6 – 38:08.1] That's how this works. [38:08.1 – 38:14.0] You know, I could share my experience, strength, and hope with you, but I can't make you wanna do the work. [38:14.0 – 38:24.0] What propels me to do the work is I am no longer– I keep staying involved, not because I'm afraid of using, but because I love the way [38:24.0 – 38:24.6] I live. [38:24.6 – 38:28.3] That's the power behind me today. [38:28.3 – 38:31.7] So we've entered the realm of the spirit. [38:31.7 – 38:32.7] I was at a retreat. [38:32.7 – 38:34.9] I was fifty years old, and I was meditating. [38:34.9 – 38:44.4] And while I'm sitting there meditating at this retreat, the retreat leader's going, “Think of a pain in your life and, and let's go there.” And I thought, “Man, I don't have any. [38:44.4 – 38:45.1] I'm cool, right? [38:45.1 – 38:49.1] Life's good.” I was– Let's see, I was fifteen years sober at that time. [38:49.1 – 38:50.7] No pain, no problem. [38:50.7 – 38:55.9] And he goes, “Think of something.” I'm thinking, “Nothing, man.” And then he goes, uh… [38:55.9 – 38:59.1] But I'm breathing, and I'm going with the flow. [38:59.1 – 39:02.6] And the next thing you know, I was in that laundry room with my mother. [39:02.6 – 39:03.4] Mm. [39:03.4 – 39:07.3] And that feeling came over me. [39:07.3 – 39:14.8] And the very next thing that happened is I was at my mother's bedside just before she died. [39:14.8 – 39:25.0] And, uh, she had had what's called an, uh, embolism, where the cancer had broken off and blocked part of the brain, so my mother had not spoken in a while. [39:25.0 – 39:27.9] She just laid there, “Mm-mm,” you know, grunts. [39:27.9 – 39:38.3] And my job when I got home from school as this little boy was to take like this gruel, like oatmeal, and mix vitamins with it and try to feed my mother with an eyedropper. [39:38.3 – 39:48.4] So I come home from school, and I'm sitting there, and I'm feeding my mom, and I'm putting the eyedropper in the corner of her mouth in this meditation, and I can see her as clearly as I see all [39:48.4 – 39:50.7] of you, and my mom's going, “Mm-mm. [39:50.7 – 39:51.5] Mm-mm. [39:51.5 – 39:54.9] Mm-mm.” And, and, and she won't take the food. [39:54.9 – 39:57.7] And if she won't take the food, I start to get emotional. [39:57.7 – 40:06.4] I start to lose it because she's gonna die if she doesn't eat, and I'm not ready to have that happen because I got this wound and this pain in me, right? [40:06.4 – 40:13.7] And so I'm sitting there, and I'm trying to feed her, and, and she won't do it, and I look at her and I go, “Mom, what?” And my mom did this. [40:13.7 – 40:21.5] She went, “I love you, baby.” Those were my mother's last words to me. [40:21.5 – 40:22.9] Not, “Get out of here. [40:22.9 – 40:27.9] You make me sick.” I was fifty years old when I finally heard them. [40:27.9 – 40:31.2] Do you have any idea how freeing that was for me? [40:31.2 – 40:41.4] I don't know what pain has driven you to this room tonight, what pain of your past, what wounds of your soul, but I will tell you one thing, that this program [40:41.4 – 40:45.6] and these steps unleash a power that is limitless. [40:45.6 – 40:49.2] It can take me out of that grave. [40:49.2 – 40:53.6] It can heal relationships from beyond the grave. [40:53.6 – 40:56.7] It can make things right that were never right. [40:56.7 – 40:59.3] I had traded my wedding ring for dope. [40:59.3 – 41:03.2] That is a scandalous thing to do. [41:03.2 – 41:05.3] I love my wife. [41:05.3 – 41:10.7] It wasn't that I didn't love her or know the value of gold and jewels. [41:10.7 – 41:12.8] I just needed another one. [41:12.8 – 41:14.0] Can you dig that? [41:14.0 – 41:16.4] I did it. [41:16.4 – 41:24.8] When I was twelve and a half years sober, my wife finally gave me another wedding ring. [41:24.8 – 41:29.2] And she put this ring on my finger. [41:29.2 – 41:39.5] And as I started to put the matching ring on hers, I said, “Donna, there's a question I've wanted to ask you since I first got sober.” Because if I had to describe [41:39.5 – 41:42.9] heroin addiction with one word, the word I would choose is thief. [41:42.9 – 41:45.8] That thief comes into our lives and takes. [41:45.8 – 41:50.3] It takes honor, valor, money, health, lives. [41:50.3 – 41:58.6] Countless of my friends that have died over these years of that nasty-ass disease that never got a chance to really become what they were supposed to be. [41:58.6 – 42:05.9] So I had that ring on her fingertip, and I looked her in those blue eyes that were sparkling again. [42:05.9 – 42:16.1] And I said, “Donna, there's a question I've wanted to ask you since I first got sober.” And she said, “What is it?” I said, “Knowing what you know now, would you still have married [42:16.1 – 42:25.0] me?” And she looked at me, and she said, “In a minute, baby.” Because whatever that thief may have robbed, the loving God in this program can restore. [42:25.0 – 42:27.0] My marriage is healed. [42:27.0 – 42:32.8] I just passed my fortieth wedding anniversary August fifth, right? [42:32.8 – 42:36.2] So forty years married to the same woman. [42:36.2 – 42:42.3] And I can tell you what, when you apply the principles of this program in a relationship, you can have a love affair. [42:42.3 – 42:46.3] A love affair that, uh, fills your heart and your soul. [42:46.3 – 42:50.9] So I said to my wife– You know, I've made my amends, and we're tight, and we're cool. [42:50.9 – 42:55.8] So I said to her, I said, “Donna, what do you wanna do for your fortieth?” And she said, “You know where I wanna go? [42:55.8 – 43:05.9] I wanna go to Machu Picchu up in the Andes, the sacred Inca temples that were built so long ago.” I said, “Cool.” I said, “Do you mind if I plan the [43:05.9 – 43:11.7] rest of the trip?” And she said, “No, I'd love to be surprised.” So I told her what the climate was. [43:11.7 – 43:14.2] I planned the rest of the trip, and here was the trip. [43:14.2 – 43:16.3] We got on the plane. [43:16.3 – 43:17.5] We flew to South America. [43:17.5 – 43:24.5] Then we flew out into the jungle and took a boat down the Amazon, and we stayed in a tree house for four days. [43:24.5 – 43:26.6] And we stayed up in this tree house. [43:26.6 – 43:29.6] Oh, oh, me Tarzan, you Jane. [43:29.6 – 43:32.6] We're, we're killing– Just living life, right? [43:32.6 – 43:36.5] We come back out of the jungle, and we head to Machu Picchu. [43:36.5 – 43:46.7] What my wife didn't know is that I had flown her sons, their wives, and her grandbabies down [43:46.7 – 43:55.0] to Machu Picchu secretly, and I had hired an Inca shaman to renew our vows on Machu Picchu. [43:55.0 – 44:00.4] And I had a wedding dress I picked out for her that fit perfectly. [44:00.4 – 44:03.9] And so it was our anniversary day, August the fifth. [44:03.9 – 44:11.3] And I said, “Baby, here's what you're gonna wear this afternoon.” And when she walked up, there were her sons. [44:11.3 – 44:14.9] Her granddaughters were her flower girls. [44:14.9 – 44:24.2] See, whatever this thief may have robbed, and it took from all of us, the power of this program to restore lives. [44:24.2 – 44:27.6] The last thing I had in my grave was a love of running. [44:27.6 – 44:29.4] As a little boy, I could run. [44:29.4 – 44:30.4] I could hurdle. [44:30.4 – 44:32.4] I, I, I'd just fly, man. [44:32.4 – 44:37.8] Do you remember what that was like before the drugs and the alcohol came in and started taking from you? [44:37.8 – 44:43.2] Do you remember when a beautiful day was all it took to set your spirit on fire? [44:43.2 – 44:45.1] I ran. [44:45.1 – 44:45.8] I hurdled. [44:45.8 – 44:46.6] I loved it. [44:46.6 – 44:51.6] And then when I started getting high, all that stuff went in the grave too. [44:51.6 – 44:56.4] So at fifty years of age, I decided I was gonna start running again. [44:56.4 – 45:01.1] I ran my first full marathon for my fiftieth birthday, and people thought, “Dude, you're nuts. [45:01.1 – 45:11.2] You ever been a runner before?” I said, “Yeah, once upon a time.” “A little boy.” So, uh, just last Saturday, a week ago Saturday, [45:11.2 – 45:13.3] February 16th. [45:13.3 – 45:17.3] Arco Sante, you know where that is? [45:17.3 – 45:19.8] We're sixty-nine nine seventeen, just north of that. [45:19.8 – 45:21.7] I was trained up. [45:21.7 – 45:25.6] I had my sneakers laced up, and the gun went off. [45:25.6 – 45:26.5] Boom! [45:26.5 – 45:30.9] And into the dark desert night I– morning I flew. [45:30.9 – 45:32.7] And I ran hard. [45:32.7 – 45:37.1] And seventy– I, I ran a hundred K race. [45:37.1 – 45:46.9] It ended in Anthem, up through the mountains, not the highway, up and down the Black Canyon National Trail. [45:46.9 – 45:55.3] And seventeen hours and seven minutes later, I crossed that finish line, and my wife was standing there waiting for me. [45:55.3 – 45:59.8] And you know what thought filled my mind as I crossed the finish line? [45:59.8 – 46:03.4] The miracle was not that I finished. [46:03.4 – 46:06.0] It's that I had the courage to begin. [46:06.0 – 46:10.2] Because, see, this disease tells me, “Dude, don't even try. [46:10.2 – 46:20.2] You're nothing but nothing.” But what Heroin Anonymous and the steps tell me is, “Brother, you're capable of anything, and together we can do what alone none [46:20.2 – 46:22.7] of us could ever achieve.” Thank you for your time tonight. [46:22.7 – 46:23.5] Peace.