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Source: Nancy B. Denton, TX – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-02-16.mp3 File: nancy-b-denton-tx-box-of-chocolates-2025-02-16.mp3 Duration: 01:03:24
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Thank you so much. I don't know if this is right, but we can rearrange it if it don't work. Bob, where were these in the 70s? I'm going to start drinking water tomorrow. For the newcomers, I have this timer thing. I don't pay attention to it. It always gives them hope. And I appreciate Annette. Annette and Steven told me I could have as much time as I wanted, but don't worry, I have a flight at 4. So everything's cool. Everything's cool.
My name's Nancy B., and I am an alcoholic because of a loving God and the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous people just like you. I've been sober since November 7th, 1981, and it's a great morning to be sober. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know, if I ever think that I'm not alcoholic, our speaker's kind of alluded to this. If I ever think I'm not alcoholic, be glad you were not in my room this morning when I was trying to get ready, okay?
I don't think there was video in that hotel. But anyway, I'm sorry. Because I got to tell you, I had to have some skin cancers. I think that they call it excise or whatever. To me, it's like drill to China kind of thing off of my arms and my nose. Now, this nose does not need any interruption, okay? And I thought, oh, my gosh, these people are not going to be able to concentrate because of my nose and, you know, because it's beginning to splinter.
I wasn't thinking of myself, right? But, I mean, I wish I was making this up, but I'm beginning to go, and then I used about, what, a pound of makeup to cover that up, right? And then I realized, I know the ladies know this, but gentlemen, if you're going to bring a dress that zips from the back, make sure you have a roommate in the room. I got caught in my dress. I mean, I was like, and I'm going, but I can't.
Anyway, it wasn't pretty. It was not pretty. I didn't panic, but it wasn't pretty. And so I do want to thank Stephanie and the other people she mentioned. You know, I was so arrogant when I got here. I would have thought they met last week and kind of just threw some things together because I certainly didn't have that, you'll hear, I didn't have any commitment. I didn't say commitment. It's certainly taken any responsibility.
And it has been amazing. I want to go home and frown for a week. I'm so tired of smiling. But it's not how I came. And, Annette, let me tell you, usually you kind of hope an al-anon is going to pick you up at the airport because they come in the same day, okay, that you actually arrive. And I have actually had an alcoholic who had that commitment, and there was nobody there, and they had to announce it.
He had gotten a little distracted and was watching a football game a couple of gates down, and they had to send somebody else. But I knew that my friend, Annette, was going to be there. And I'm serious about it. I knew she was going to be there. I knew how she takes her commitments seriously. And I'm so grateful for that. You know, some commitments aren't as fun as others. And I know she drove an hour or more to pick me up.
And, you know, if you are new here, let me tell you, we make lifelong friends, lifelong, that you didn't have to buy anything for. You didn't have to pay their rent so that they wouldn't leave. We make lifelong friends. And I met some this weekend that I believe will become dear, dear, dear friends to me. But, Annette, thank you for being my friend. Because I need to tell you so I can know that I'm completely out of myself.
When I left my house yesterday, I felt broken. I felt broken. And I hadn't smiled for a while, which is unlike me. And I was afraid. So, see, I can wake up in doubt. I don't want to ever kid anybody, but I can wake up in doubt. But the good news I hope you hear today is that God doesn't move. My God doesn't move, even when that's happening to me. But I'm glad you taught me the difference between fear and sadness or whatever than self-centered fear.
Because if I was in self-centered fear, I'd be home on my recliner saying, I can't do it this time.
[00:05:06]
But because of good sponsorship, I do have a sponsor who knows I'm her sponsee. I know she's my sponsor. And if that made you uncomfortable, good. But the truth is, but I'm getting ready, and I have somebody take me to the airport. So that's the first commitment. Then I started to maybe crack a little bit. But I can promise you when I call Annette and said, you know, I'm here at baggage claim. And she said, well, I'm here right outside the door.
So it began to crack a little bit more. And then I walk in the room and Mike and Diane. Oh, Monty. I couldn't tell you what Monty, one word Polly Monty said because I wasn't here yet. I really wasn't here yet. But then Mike and Diane scooped me up. And, boy, you know, when you're trying everything you can to resist how you really feel. Because I got to tell you, 43 years and 10 minutes ago, I would have never told you how I'm feeling.
Somebody else said, why do I have to tell this stuff? Why do I have to tell this stuff? So they scooped me up. And then I see Bob, and he puts his arm around me, puts his arm around me. And I'm beginning to breathe a little better. And so then the different speakers hearing, reminding us it's not a program of convenience ever. And I love the thought that when I came in here, you'll hear about the big shot.
I'm little, but I was a big shot and brilliant. And you work your way all the way up to that trusted servant. Because today it is a privilege to be in this meeting. I don't want to forget that any meeting I'm in of Alcoholics Anonymous is a privilege. And certainly to be a service. I'm glad to be a small part of a really big deal. And I want you to know I kept listening. And I kept getting in the room, and I kept coming in and sitting all the way down.
And I got to tell you, I'm going home different. I'm not going home to a situation that's different. I'm going home different. And I thank you for that. I thank you. It may come up, I don't know, so I'll say it now. I'm on the bus, and God's driving. So you look out the window of a bus, and it may not be like you look. I'm sorry for y'all that have to look at this scenery every day, by the way. Come to Dallas, I'll show you six different colors of cement.
But anyway, but I'm looking out that window, and sometimes it's ugly. Sometimes it's just cement. Sometimes there's not a tree. Sometimes there's not kids playing. Sometimes, but if you stay on the bus with God driving, the bus is going to move. The bus is going to move. And before you know it, the scenery might start to change. Today I want to stay on the bus. And so thank you, because you've kind of ruined my bad mood.
But also, you've given me, you've renewed that hope that all of the speakers talked about, that we really were offered, the first time we walked in, somebody said, welcome. Welcome. So I want to tell you that I grew up in alcoholism, and I know that that is not unique in this room. It's not unique in this room. But I want to tell you briefly what that looks like. God always puts this on my heart. My daddy was an alcoholic.
I didn't diagnose him as an alcoholic. He knew he was an alcoholic. He just didn't seek recovery. So he thought that when he went to work, which he did every day, sometimes when he shouldn't have, and he went to work every day, and he provided for us physically. And so he believed that he should be able to stop by the local beer joints, we say in Texas, and have a few drinks with his friends. What he didn't know was that the phenomenon of craving was going to happen.
Not sometimes, not maybe. He didn't know that. He didn't know it to his innermost self, which is important to me to remember. Because, see, I thought he was drinking at us. I thought he didn't care about his family, because otherwise he wouldn't stop at the beer joint. And I learned that from my mother. Because when he didn't come, those tires didn't come in at 5 o'clock. I still can't eat at 5 o'clock, because it was so tense back then.
But anyway, when those tires didn't come in at 5 o'clock, her whole personality changed. And she went to the phone, and she started calling all the numbers by the phone, and they did not say CVS or pediatrician, Bloody, Bucket, Joe's, whatever. And she began to call them, and she'd say, is Ray Burkholder there?
[00:10:01]
And they'd go, nope. So she'd call the next one, Ray Burkholder there. Nope. Now we know where he isn't. But stay with me. Okay. We know where he isn't, but that doesn't get. My mother wasn't a pre-Al-Anon. She was an alligator. You know, they're snappy. They're snappy, right? And they can track you down, right? They can track you down. So it didn't get my mother down. So she's saying, get in the car.
I don't want to get in the car. I don't want to go one more time and beg my daddy to come home. But alcoholism doesn't leave anybody out. It doesn't leave the kids out, even the neighbors, the uncles, the aunts, the moms and dads. It doesn't leave anybody out. And I don't want to go. I don't know why we're going to go. And so anyway, I'd go in that smoky bar, and I'd say, Daddy, Mama wants you to come home.
I didn't want him to come home. I don't know if I've ever said that. She wanted him to come. She needed him to come home. An alcoholic picks up a drink and an al-anon picks up a drunk, right? So she needed him to come home. And so we'd get him home. Oh, and she'd say, I want you to ride home with your daddy. Now, she wouldn't have put me in harm's way, but she knew that if I got in his truck, he would come home.
He would come home. So we'd get home, and I was always the one that would blow it by starting to talk to my daddy. And those alligator eyes would cut around. Oh, do not talk to him. And I thought, let me review, okay? We find out where he isn't. We go get him where he isn't. We bring him home, and we're not supposed to talk to him. Apparently we don't like him very much. So I want to know why we go.
Why do we go? And I asked her one time, I said, Mama, why do we do this? Felt like every day. Of course it wasn't every day, but, boy, it felt like every day. Why do we do that? And she said, drinking is bad, and people who drink are very bad, and they must be punished. See, she believed she had the answer to alcoholism, to her innermost self. She believed it. You punish them enough, you punish them consistently, then I guess my daddy would wake up some morning and say, oh, you want me to go to work and come home and be a part of this family.
It never happened. But I got to tell you, at first I was on my mama's team. I loved punishment phase because I developed a hatred for him that was palpable. One of the definitions for hatred is indifference. And I got to, I don't care. I don't care. And so I hated alcohol. Really, to my memory, I really don't have any childhood memories that are good. I don't. I don't chase that. But I don't have any memories of good.
But I wondered, you know, why are we doing this? So I have to fill out this hatred to indifference. And I hate alcohol, and I would never. I decided, I discovered really when I was about 11 that I was brilliant. I was a little just cut above, you know. I'm glad the last speaker is the smartest. But you know what I just said. I'm not enough and I'll never be enough. See, that's what I don't, that's what I know down deep.
So I did, I developed this arrogance because I got good at looking good. It was the most important thing. So you wouldn't know what was going on in my house. And unfortunately, I got good at looking good. I started out developing a self that basically was not authentic for as long as I could remember. And so, but I need to say it again. I hated alcohol. Well, I graduated from high school. Of course I did.
I went to college. Of course I did. And I'm going to be rich and famous, right? Got to get out of town, which I was doing, so I wouldn't take that with me, all that chaos. I wouldn't take that with me. I'd be stupid. Well, so I go to college, and I really believed that, that I wasn't taking anything with me. I didn't know that when you move, alcoholism goes with you. Today, I'm not living in active alcoholism, but it's right here.
It's still in my head. And so I go to college, and I hear people talking about going out and partying. And I thought, whew, it's a good thing I'm here. Good thing I'm here because I'm going to save these people from being the pathetic loser. And my friends, I said much worse about and to my daddy. Much Worse, About and To My Daddy, Much Worse, Cuz See I Thought If I Could, If He Could Hurt
[00:15:03]
As Badly As I Did, I'd Feel Better, Please Don't Waste Your Time, It Doesn't Work, And You'll, If You Stick Around, You'll Be Glad It Doesn't Work, Cuz We Have a Solution Here, And So, But The Truth Is, Is I Thought, Oh My Gosh, And So I Said No, The Only People Can Get, And No Party Denies Them, Ones That Fit In My Car, Okay, Now My Car Was About The Size Of This Room, These Old Chevrolet Impalas, You Know, This Big Ol' Long Thing, We'd Pile Them In, And We'd Get Somewhere, And I Began To Watch Em, I'd Have To Watch Em, Why?
Okay, I Know That Someday I Might Need To Go In A Room, And Find A Solution, But The Truth Is, Is I Was Desperate To Control Something That I Never Could Control, And I Grew Up Being Desperate To Control, I Don't Want Them To Become Those Losers, And I Believed That I Could, I Was Still On My Mama's Team, And So I Did Punish Em, I, Someday I Don't Know If You'll Meet Me Afterwards, Cuz They Were Good, Okay, I Gotta Move On, But I Had Some Great Punishments, For Those People Thinking That They Would Wake Up One Morning, And Say Drinking's Bad, And People Who Drink Are Very Bad, And I Don't Even Know If They Were Alcoholic, But Then There Came That Time When I Graduated From College, Of Course I Did, And I'm Gonna Be Rich And Famous, Well Let Me Tell You Something, If You, There's Some Young People Here And You Wanna Be Rich And Famous, Do Not Major In Education, There's A Glitch, I've Been An Educator My Whole Life, And I Am Not Rich Nor Famous, But I Gotta Tell You I'm Sure That There's Probably A Day That I Said, I Believe I'm Gonna Change The Course Of Education In America, You Didn't Write That Down, Cuz I Got Degrees, I Can't Believe I'm Gonna Say This, But It Came Into My Mind, My Sponsor, My Early Sponsor Said, Nancy, A Rectal Thermometer Has Degrees And You Know What We Do With That, It Might Have Been On A Day I Was Visiting Arrogance Again, And So You Know What I Just Said, I'm Not Enough And I'll Never Be Enough, See Inside Here Where I Live, I Guess We Could Say To My Inner Most Self, I Knew I'd Never Be Enough So I Got Good At Looking Good, And I Taught School And I Don't Regret That Past For A Second, I Miss It Today, I Miss It Today, But So I Go To Houston, Texas, I'm Living In Some Singles Apartments, I'm Talking Big Time, Big Time, I'm Driving A New Car My Daddy Paid For It, But Don't Forget He Ruined My Whole Life, Okay, I Couldn't Finish A Sentence Without, And My Daddy Ruined My Whole Life, So I'm Living In These Beautiful Apartments, And There's Like Two Or Three, Maybe Five Pools, And Those People That I Punished Knocked On The Door, And I Looked At Them, I Thought They Were Here To Kill Me, Or I Couldn't Imagine What They Were There For, And They Out In The Door, And They Said, Nancy, Do You Realize That There's Partying Going On In Your Apartments Like All The Time, And I Said No, I Would Have Called The Police, Let Me Tell You, Partying, And They Said, We Want To Party, I Didn't, I Know Now They Wanted My Apartment Number, Because You Have To Have Apartment Number To Get In, But The Truth Is, In A Million Years, They Never Thought The Words Than Let's Party Would Come Out Of My Mouth, Hated Alcohol, And They Said, You Gotta Take Your Own Containers, And I Probably Picked This Up, I Don't Know, You Gotta Bring Your Own Containers, And I Didn't Want Them To Go Away, Because Every Step, Probably, Maybe Every Step, Talks About, Of Course, All The Literature Tells Us The Problem, But Then They Say There Is A Solution, But That Isolation, Boy, I Was Lonely, Because I Don't Know How To Be A Friend Among Friends Or A Worker Among Workers, And So We Go Down To The Party, And We Start To Drink, And Those Sluts, I Mean Those Friends, Did The Same Thing They Always Did, They Went Home With People They Did Not Know, Couldn't Stop It, Tried To Stop It, Got Them In My Car On The Way Home And Punished Them, Okay, But You Know About Nine, Thirty, Or Ten, I'm Sure I Went, Oh, Goodness, Oh, My Word, See, I Gotta Go, I Gotta Go, Because I Gotta Go To Work Tomorrow, And I Certainly Am Not Gonna Drink Like That, I Would Never Drink Like That, I Got Degrees, I Got Degrees, I Got A Good Job, I Go Every Day, I'm Responsible
[00:20:00]
For Children, I'll Never Do That, And I Remember Walking Up Those Stairs, Opening The Door, Looking In A Mirror, And Saying, Girl, You Even Drink Better Than Other People, Because I Gotta Believe That, Do You Know Alcoholics Lie, And Then They're First In Line To Believe It, Right, And I Gotta Believe That, Because I Think I Do Somewhere Inside Know That I'm Wrong, But I Didn't Drink Irresponsibly, I'm Not Gonna Be Pathetic Loser Like My Dad, Not Gonna Happen, Impossible, Please Hear That, Impossible, It Was Talked About Clueless, Clueless, I Would Be Giving Myself Too Much Credit, To Say That I Want, I Soon Realized I Had A Problem, Clueless, Because I Was Doing All The Things, I Had All The Things, And I'm Doing All The Things That A Responsible Adult Does, As A Matter Of Fact, I'm Doing Mine And Yours, I Mean, Truly, Because I Knew Better, I Was Desperate, I Didn't Know Better, I Was Desperate For You To Think That I Knew Better, Because You're Gonna See What's Inside And It's Ugly, Because Alcoholism Is Ugly, But I Didn't Cross Any Lines, See My Daddy Drove Intoxicated, To Me, And I Am Being Serious, How Pathetic, How Pathetic, How Could You Do That, How Could You Take Other People's Lives, I Don't Even Know If I Was Concerned About His, Because I Didn't Know I Was Consumed With Me, Drink And Drive, He Had To Have That Drink On The Side Of The Bed Table To Get Up To Go To Work, How Pathetic, And It Would Never Happen To Me, I Thought, You Know, I've Got Standards And Rules, And I Want You To Know I Didn't Break One Of Them, Right Up Until I Did, I Don't Know If I Saw It, I Don't Know, But The First Time I Realized I've Been Drinking And I Gotta Drive Home, Well I'll Be Real Careful, I'll Be Real Careful And I'm Driving Home And I Thought I Cannot, God, I Can't Believe This, But Being As Smart As I Am And Knowing How It Makes Me Feel, I'll Never Do It Again, Well I Don't Know About You, But The Second Time It Wasn't So Hard, And The Third Time, And I Probably Told One Of Those Lies And Believed It, I Think I Drive Better, I'm Just Looser, You Know, Something, I Gotta Convince Myself, But I'm So Glad Nobody Is Happier Than Me That I Broke All The Rules, Because I Gotta Get To The Good Part On This Beautiful Sunday Morning, I Gotta Get To The Good News, And So Somebody Else, Oh Let Me Tell You About My Last Drink, Because You Enjoy It More Than I Did, Okay, I Am, We're Having A Dinner Party, I Live In This Beautiful Home And It's Landscaped And There's A Mercedes Convertible In The Garage And A Custom Van On The Driveway To Pull The Boat And I Didn't Own Any Of That, But I Made It Look Like I Own That, Virtually Rented A Room There, But I'm Serious, I Could Make You Believe That I Own That, We're Gonna Have This Dinner Party, I Gotta Hurry, And I Woke Up That Morning, I'm Going, Oh, How Stressful, It Is Kind Of Stressful To Have A Dinner Party, And She Was Very Wealthy, And So We Had Everything You Could Possibly Imagine, You Know, In Terms Of Food And Every Kind Of Drink That You Could Imagine, And Maybe Some Outside Issues, I Don't Know, I Would Never Even Think About Knowing, Right, So Apparently At 2.30 That Afternoon, I Didn't Care Who Came To The Stupid Party, Because I Was Smooth, Smooth Sounds Better Than Drunk, And So I Said, Man, I'm Smooth And I Don't Care Who Comes, But Apparently People Did To A Dinner Party, And I Want You To Know That I Had A Flashback From When I Was In San Antonio Where I Was At A Bar Getting Very Drunk, And I Discovered That When I Am Drunk, I'm Quite The Dancer, Okay, I Mean, I'm Good, I Don't Have Time, But I'm Good, And The Music Went Off, See, I'm Not In Trouble, The Music Went Off, And They Said Clear This Dance Floor, And I Thought They Weren't Talking About Me, And When You Feel This, And They Drop You Over Here, They're Talking About You, And What They Wanted, What They Wanted Was, Because This Bodybuilding Team Was Going To Do A Bodybuilding Championship Routine, Well, I'm Back In The Hot, Oh, I Got In The Hot Tub, Now We're Back At The Dinner Party, And I Have A
[00:25:00]
Flashback, And I Had Gotten In The Hot Tub, Apparently It's Not A Good Idea If You've Been Drinking Since Early Morning, Okay, And That Same Song Came On That These Bodybuilders Use, I Became A Bodybuilder, Not In The Hot Tub, Not With Any Clothes On, But On The Deck Of The Hot Tub, Naked, Okay, Funny Story, And I Can Laugh At It Because You Helped Me Heal From It, Because Let Me Tell You, It Sums Up Really, That's Why I Tell You The Good News, It Sums Up My Alcoholism, I Didn't Go To Prison, Oh, Except For This One, I Didn't Know About This One, I Didn't, You Said, I Didn't, I Didn't, I Didn't, But The Next Day I Had To Be Told That I Had Done That, It Was A Dinner Party, It Wasn't A Beer Bus, It Wasn't Super Bowl, People Were Coming For A Dinner Party, And When I Was Told That I Had Done That, I Said, You Don't Like It, Don't Come To My House, See, I Had Gotten To There, I Had Gotten To There, Don't Care, I Don't Know If I Really Did In That Innermost Self, I Don't Care, That's Where I Had Gotten, And Somebody Else Had To Recognize That I Was In Trouble With Alcoholism, I Can Tell You A Whole Bunch Of Stuff, Just Let Your Imagination Go, I Sold Out, I Sold Out Spiritually, And Physically, And Mentally, And Emotionally, I Sold Out, So Somebody Else Said, You Have A Problem With Alcohol, And There Is A Solution, Again, I Gotta Say The Word Clueless, We Were In The Car, She Threw Me In My Car, She Saved My Profession, Because I Was Outside Somebody's Place Of Business, Screaming To Tell Somebody That We Should Be Living Together Forever, And She Forgot, Screaming, Screaming, She Threw Me In The Car, And Drove Me Home, She Said, You Know, There Is A Solution, Because You Have A Problem With Alcohol, And In The Car, Because I Know We Do This To Be Silly Sometimes, I Looked Around, I Said, Becky, We Are The Only Two People In This Car, Because I Could, That Was Crazy, But I Don't Know Why, She Said, Tomorrow Night, There Is A Meeting, I Lived In Austin, On North Lamar, It Is 7 O'Clock, And You Can Go, I Will Pick You Up, Or You Don't Have To Go At All, Well, That Is A Double Dog Dare, And At The Time, I Probably Would Have Said, I Gotta Prove She Is Not An Idiot, That She Is An Idiot, And So, I Got All Dressed Up, Because I Knew What You Were Going To Look Like, Next Day, And I Didn't Drink, In Case It Was A Rule, And I Get There Early, Like An Interview, And I Hope I Didn't Have My Briefcase, But I Probably Did, Okay, And I Walked In, And People, I Walked Into A Good Meeting, Of Alcoholics Anonymous, They Greeted Me At The Door, They Started On Time, The Spiritual Chairs Were Set Up, Right, They Had A Topic, Probably From The Literature, And They, They Did That, And Let Me Tell You What I Did, Because I Don't Want To Ever Forget, The First Thing I Did, Was, This Gentleman, Texas, This Is Kind Of One Word, My Name Is Nancy Burgalter, And I Have Been Sober Since September 7th, 1981, It Is Kind Of One Word, Okay, And This Gentleman Says, My Name Is Jim Johnson, I Can't Remember That Part, And I Have Been Sober Since January 3rd, 1971, And I Went, You Can't Take A Gasp Back, You Can't Un-Gasp, And Everybody Goes, When You Gasp, They Let That Old Boy Stay 10 Years, 10 Years, There Is Only 24 Things To Do, And You Have A Textbook, And I'm, Of Course You Know I Was Serious, And I'm Going, Tutor, Tutor, Tutor, The Next Person, No, Not The Next Person, But I Realized That There Was A Chance, Like Many Organizations, There Was Going To Be A Question And Answer Period At The End, So I Memorized The First Three Steps So I Could Refer To Them When They Called On Me, First Meeting, See, I'm Desperate, I Am, My Arrogance Walked In The Room Before That Night, But It's Based On Terror, What If You Find Out Something I Don't Know, I'm Ready To Speak In My First Meeting, Because I Gotta Look Good, Then The Third One Is Not So Funny And I'll Never Not Tell It, There Was This Young Lady Who Was Talking And She Began To Cry, She was talking and she began to cry, and she was talking in my mind, thank goodness only in my mind I'm going to take a note, she has no social skills, but I was serious.
[00:30:06]
I'm going to talk to her after the meeting. She needs to cry or she needs to talk, because I was uncomfortable, that's the key word. She began to talk and she said she'd come upon an accident on Mopac in Austin, Texas. She was a registered nurse, probably within her first year, and she'd watched a baby die. Take a note. That's what I brought to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I can tell it because I'm not her.
I am not her, because of the good news I get to tell you, but I want you to know I didn't do a lot. I signed up, you know it looks good when they're going to have a potluck, they're going to have a something, and I'd sign up. They want you to go. When you sign up, they actually want you to follow through, and that's the part I couldn't get for a while. I could not, and again, I thought I was so cool.
I'm not shy. I thought I was so cool, right? I didn't know that there was terror in here, because I wouldn't have known a feeling if it hit me. If it slapped me, I wouldn't have known, because I'm not going to have them. I'm not going to have them. Not going to happen. You get hurt when you have feelings, right? But I started watching people like you. Started watching people like you. And I realized that, you know what?
I only drank when I was mad or sad. These people are talking about going to jail and whatever. Well, you call it restless, irritable, and discontented. But see, guess what? Restless is perpetually agitated. Irritable is abnormally sensitive. Right? And discontented is craving to obtain something that you do not have. And I was the last to know. But guess what? I'm not alcoholic. Can't be. And I meant that.
And they said, keep coming back. And I went back the next night. Why? And I went back on a Saturday morning. And I kept going, I'm not alcoholic. I'm not alcoholic. Because I honestly, I wasn't just saying it because I don't want to be. I thought it was impossible. I think that's important to say out loud because I bet I'm not the only one. This is impossible. But I kept going and I heard your stories.
And I heard you talk about sponsorship. And I got a sponsor at first and I called her to see if I could do anything for her. That was the best I had. That was the best I had. Do you need anything? There's nothing authentic about me. But I watched you and I listened. And I didn't want to share at a meeting. Because see, I'm seeing how it works in others. I'm seeing the light in your eyes. I'm not, I don't know why that there's some days when I wake up, I am, the sadness or the anger or whatever seems bigger than me.
And somebody said it so well. How could anybody take care of that in me? Because it's big and I've had it my whole life. So how could that happen? And I tell you, when I saw you doing what they did and getting what they had, I wanted it. And I met some West Texas people and they could have told me anything. Because I want to move on. I would have set up these chairs today if I'd been physically able to do it.
I don't have enough time on this planet to give back what Alcoholics Anonymous has given me. Don't have time. And so I hadn't had my turning point. And one day, they used to ask me to go to lunch and I'd say, you know, I'm going out of town. Not true. And I thought I was so brilliant, but I was like a pull toy every week. I'm going out of town. I couldn't think of another excuse. And so one day I did.
I left and I just wanted to go home and be alone. Not true. And I'm driving down and it's North Lamar and then it becomes Highway 290. And I want you to know, I kept going and I'm screaming to the top of my lungs, who's going to know? Who's going to know? And I see a sign that says, welcome to Dripping Springs. And I pull off to the side and I notice that my back tires are not in Dripping Springs.
[00:35:00]
They're still in Austin. And I got back in and I had to go out of town because I couldn't lie to you anymore. So that's when I couldn't lie to you anymore. And I knew to my innermost self, I couldn't lie to you anymore. And I knew to my innermost self, me too. Two of the most important words in this program, me too. Me too, I'm an alcoholic. And I'm beginning to see that that's very likely good news.
Very likely. Because maybe me too could get well. So I go back and I'm sitting and I'm not visiting Alcoholics Anonymous. And I would. I would have done anything you asked me to do. I wish I could say, may I do that I will always. I wish I could say that I do. But I know when I don't, God doesn't move. So, I'm sober. And one day, that's how I was and what happened. Let me tell you, one day I called my sponsor.
And because somebody had done something wrong. And when you do something wrong, I get righter by the second. And somebody at my work had done something wrong and I had to, I drove like a drunk person to get home to turn them in to my sponsor who would never know this person. So I'm just going, and then, and you would not believe. And he said, you know what, let me get a cup of coffee. And I said, okay, I'll wait.
And he went, oh no, you keep going. You like me better, don't you? I mean, that's what I had to put up with. And I said, but you wouldn't. Okay. Because see, immediately in my brain then I knew that he was going, when he got back we were going to get to the exact nature of the wrong and then move into the solution. And we did. And he said, actually it was a couple, Linda and Dennis Lamphere, and they used to gang up on me.
And they said, we got some promises for you and it describes my life today and it's the best news in town. They said, Nancy, if you don't take the first drink, remember how brilliant I am? If you don't take the first drink, you will never be drunk again. And he went to Texas Tech. If there's a Red Raider here, I don't want to talk to him. Oh, by the way, Roll Tide, Go War Eagles. Okay. I want to fit in.
You will never be drunk again. Because you cannot be drunk again, by the way. Newcomer or older comer that might be thinking today you can't do it one more day. If you don't take the first one, you can't. Since November 7th, 1981, I haven't taken the first drink. And I've not caused the problems to you. Speakers talked about it, the damage to you or the damage to me. And I was promised that if I'd go to meetings, he said, somebody like you, a lot of them, you're going to meet people whose insides feel like yours.
That understand your insides. Even if their outsides have no resemblance whatsoever. I'm told that I have some very serious health problems. I mean, have you ever gone to a doctor that thinks they know more than you? Right? Okay. I told you that for one reason. Because, two reasons. Number one, maybe there weren't two reasons. I told you that because I hope you never, hope no one in here ever has a health problem.
I know it's not very likely. But there was a second reason. I know that probably some of you that are going to hit your knees tonight, you're going to pray for that long-winded speaker. Because she's got some new stuff going on when she gets back. And I'm going home to a tremendous challenge that is the epitome of perilousness. But see, you all gave me hope. You just kick-started it. So I believe that'll happen because I go to a lot of meetings.
It's a privilege and I love it. I stayed too long. I want to go. I want to go. I was promised that if I would study the literature, it probably won't surprise you that I'd begin to edit a few things. One of my majors is English and it's very archaically written. And there are grammar mistakes. There are. I'm just saying. Now I'm writing, but let me tell you, it doesn't need any help. And if there ever comes out a book, as Nancy sees it, do not buy it.
[00:40:02]
Do not buy it. But I'm editing. That's the best I have. That's the best I have. And he said, if you'll study that book, every problem you have and every problem you cause, the answers are there. I already said it. It tells us about the problem. It tells us a lot about the problems. But it never leaves us there. It never leaves us there. Don't you love the great fact? And then they say it again. Well, which one is it?
Because I ask a lot of questions. So he promised me that. Still coming true today. I have people in my home. It changes your home, by the way. I have people in my home and we do step studies now. We're starting the 12 and 12 again with the people I sponsor on Zoom because I have people from all over and then they're able to join the people that live close. What a privilege. I used to think, why do we read how it works every time?
It's not that hard. That's what I brought. It's not that hard to understand. See, I'd have never thought about that person who's never heard it. He promised me if I'd study the literature, all the problems would get, could be solved with the literature because it is God-driven and divinely written. No human power. I was promised that if I work the steps with a sponsor, they get touchy if you do them on your own.
They don't like it. Let me tell you. Of course that's true. Because see, I was promised if I worked the steps with a sponsor, I could become anybody I wanted to be. I didn't want to be that person who judged somebody who'd seen a baby die. I don't want to be somebody that wants to know what side of town you live on. I don't want to be her, and I'm not. Because I have worked these steps and I have a sponsor that does not take spring break.
Doesn't take off for Christmas. And I'm going to work, well, how could it not be true? Because in the first step, I thought she asked me to give up. And I am competitive. So competitive. You didn't ask me to give up except what wasn't working. You asked me to give that up. You asked me to surrender to the 12 steps of Alcoholics and I must love to talk about this stuff. I surrender to a solution that is filled with action steps that are filled with principles that I'd always wanted.
In the second step, no one is more excited that they say find your higher power. Again, that's already been talked about this weekend. Find that higher power. 12 and 12 says we're not going to tell you what to believe or if to believe. Find yours. And I bought some because I'd left the church. Church is still going on. Church is doing fine. I left the church so would God want me? But I found my own higher power because somebody ruined my day when they said insanity is doing the same thing over and over.
Same thing. Same thing. Then it wasn't so hard to turn my will and my life over to that power because I already, I'm beginning to know no human power. I'm beginning to know and I mean beginning to know that no human power could make the changes. I came to a program when I didn't know I had a problem and I found a solution that I didn't know I needed. And so I got to have help. The power power that I found in the second step encouraged me.
I was encouraged to say keep me between the lines. I'm on the freeway. Help me not exit too soon. Keep me on the bus. Please keep me and I can honestly say I pray that all the time because my difficulties my difficulties my bondage of self and guess what? It's not the same. Why do you say it every day Nancy? Because I'm not all bound up by the same things every day. And take away my difficulties. Please keep me on the bus.
Keep me moving with you. Things go better. And then all you ask me to do in that fourth step is get in a room and tell the truth. I used to lie in my own diary. Nobody's gonna see it. But see I needed to make it better. I needed to make me better. I needed to make me better. I needed, yeah. But just tell the truth. I'm glad that my sponsor said, just pray. Pray and ask God to help you tell the truth.
[00:45:03]
And at first he knew I was so competitive. He said, commit to 20 minutes. Because he knew if I didn't, nothing came, I'd throw it and say, this doesn't work. And I did that. I did that. And you know, in the fifth step, God always wanted somebody to listen to me and not say, it didn't happen like that. You're sensitive. You're just sensitive. It didn't happen like that. Even if it didn't happen like that, they just listened.
They just listened to me. And then of course, during this time, we're working with the literature. Every time, by the way, if you have a question and you start to wonder whether it works, sponsors just open a page and they go like that. I used to think there was a sponsor school, okay? So, but they listened. And I've had the privilege of listening with no judgment. And I gotta tell you, I know I'm not the only one in the room that has heard horrible things.
Things that people, that touch their soul in a way that is indescribable. And my reaction, in fact, I called Dennis and I said, I'm gonna do, I hear my first fifth step and I'm terrified that I'll react. He said, you wouldn't have made the phone call if you didn't care about not reacting. You wouldn't have made this phone call. And we prayed together. And I could look at him and I could say things like, you know, I love you either me too, or I'm really sad that you had to make that decision.
I'm really, really sad, really sad that that happened to you. But I promise you, because I could make a promise that we're gonna keep going and there's freedom. Because I can promise you that. There is freedom. And so, like I said, that fifth step I've given them, I've given fifth steps to my sponsor and I've been able to, I have had the honor to be that trusted servant. Like it says in the book, privilege, privilege.
And then the sixth step, they're saying, you know what, you really do know that if you could have changed this stuff, says it. If you could have changed this stuff, you would have. I didn't want to be a jerk. I didn't want to be, you know, if you don't like it, don't come to my house. I don't want to be her. I still don't. Now see, I'm talking about then and I'm talking about today. I'm talking about last week.
I don't want to be that person even. And so, you're asking me to identify those things that I want to humbly ask. And I gotta tell you, I don't get to hide behind words. I did it really well. I don't want to be, I've always lived on the surface of the water. I didn't want to dive deep until I realized if I do dive deep and find those character defects, you're gonna come up and you taught me how to swim.
And you go upstream, so I'll come to you. So I started right, I don't get to say impatience. I get to say, it looks like, and the silly one, I guess, came to my mind is that one, two, three, four, five, clearly they have 16 items and it says 15 or less in the grocery store, clearly. I can go there, I can go there. So I say that, I list those things. This is what I want, today, this is what I want to humbly ask, and I gotta tell you, you just have to humbly ask.
And I just want to tell you, I don't know the time I forgot to look, so help me. If y'all start leaving, I'll stop. Or if you go like this, Diane, help me. I like to tell it in my trash story. I'm a trash lady in the benter place. Because see, that four-step, I told you what that looked like and if I were inviting all of you to lunch, right? I'm not. But if I did, we would have trash because I'm gonna order out.
I do not cook for people I love. And so we're gonna order at the barbecue place, we're gonna whatever, and after we eat, I'm gonna hand Bob his bag and Mike and Diane their bag and Annette her bag, because it used to, I want to just put your trash in because I don't want to look at mine. So I want you to put your trash in and I think the sixth step is to take the trash to the curb. I think it's take that, you know, what if I need, what if I need jealousy?
What if I take it to the curb? I don't know, I can tell where my spiritual life is is I open the door where the trash is and it's screaming, no more!
[00:50:00]
And I close it real fast because it ain't my turn to take it out, those 25 feet. I know that something's going on, actually. Take it to the curb, I think the seventh step, I mean, yeah, the sixth step is to leave it at the curb. I picture myself running behind the trash truck thinking I need something and I'd be too embarrassed, okay? And let me tell you, on Wednesday mornings, way too early, I hear the trash truck in Denton, Texas coming by to pick up trash.
And the fellas have never knocked on my door and said, Nancy, that is too trashy. We are not taking your trash. You don't call Louisville. Never, well, guess what? God has never knocked on my heart or my soul and said, Nancy, I can't take that. It's too trashy. And right now, even that, whatever's coming to your mind, even that. And I use those prayers, the third step prayer and the seventh step prayer.
And boy, and again, I make them personal to me. It's not always the same. It's not always the same thing that's separating us. And then in that eighth step, there are definitely, all the steps have a preparatory step for somebody like me. But boy, that eighth step, there's no way, there's no way I could recognize, no way I could recognize the people I'd harm. Sometimes, I remember back then and sometimes today, anybody else do the percentage?
They were 98% wrong and I was only two. Got to clean up my two. Can't live with the two. Thank you for that. Can't live with the two. And so three lists, I needed, I'll do it today. Ooh, this one's gonna be tough and not on your life. And you know who's on it, my mother and daddy. Not on your life, except I saw how it worked in others. I saw how it worked in others. So I did those things and then you get to 10 and some people call it maintenance, I call it growth.
Where every day, I have an opportunity every single day to not gather more trash. Every single day, however I do. I'm glad that I'd say, you know, I can't do it this way or I don't know what, that's when you call your sponsor. Because I tell you what, when I start to balk, for me, it's because I think that I'm not gonna do it right and so I act like I don't care. I'm not gonna do it right. Because sometimes I called him one time and I said, you will not believe what I did today.
And I was, I was disappointed in myself and I realized it in my 10th step and he said, sounds like you wanna walk on water. I went, well, well, he said, get a mop, that's as close as you're gonna get. True, as close as I'm gonna get. But I gotta tell you, I wanna review that day because I don't want the trash to collect up. And so that 11th step, as you might guess, I can't sit still and go, hmm, I know you're surprised.
I couldn't talk if I didn't have arms. And so, but they're telling me, as it's already been said, if I want a relationship with someone, I gotta participate. And how do I participate? They give you some directions, I've listened to you. One thing that's come into my mind is somebody said, you know, I read my books, I read my meditation books, I say my prayers and then I go for a walk. I go for a walk and on the way there, I talk to God.
And on the way back, I listen. I was, oh, Debbie, my sponsor, realized that after I retired, everybody was shocked about this, I decided to become a gardener. Now that means go to Walmart, that's pretty and just stick it in the ground. Okay, and apparently, I'm pretty good at it. Anyway, and so I was telling her about that. I said, I don't wanna use gloves. I wanna feel the dirt. And she said, I know, because that's part of your meditation.
Wow, wow, gotta participate. Every single, every day, I don't want, I know, I said it this morning, I don't wanna go without you. I know that this morning, I don't wanna go with you. Please keep me out of the way. I don't wanna go without, I don't wanna go home without you, please. And I know that God hears that because we have a relationship. 12 step, you know what, give it away. Give it away.
[00:55:00]
Nancy, give away a little bit. He'd say, you know, if they call and you can do it, say yes. And there's all those different ways. This is a small part of a really big deal. First time they asked me to wash cups, I'll tell you what that is for you new people. There really are something that's made out of glass. But anyway, and so they told me to, and I said, you know what, I don't drink coffee. Okay, go get the ashtrays.
I don't smoke. And then they called on, they said, I didn't ask you either one. I didn't ask you if you drink coffee, and I certainly, I didn't ask you if you smoke. Thank you. Thank you. Give away a little bit, and he said, you'll get back tenfold. Look what I'm getting back. Look what I'm getting back right now. Just cause I'm not sure what time it is, I'm gonna end with, oh no, I'm sorry, I almost forgot one.
And that's that God would always be big enough. Always. Yes, finance, romance, all of it. God will always be big enough. And there are times when I did, the thing that I'm going through right now, I can't lie. There's mornings that I thought, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. But I believe you do. I don't understand. I know you do. God is always big enough. Let me tell you how I know that.
My parents, that I hated so badly, my daddy got sick in 1988, and I'd already been with him for a while, right? And I didn't know what to do, and I walked into his hotel room, and he was kind of visibly shaken, and I'd never seen that. And he said, the doctor said, there's nothing I can do. They can do. And I didn't do two things. I didn't crack a joke, and I didn't say, oh, daddy, that's not what they said.
I said, daddy, I think that's the truth. I think that's where we are, but it's gonna be okay. And my whole life, I had to know what okay looked like to say it's gonna be okay. And I kept being of service. What do I do, Dennis? What do I do, Linda? You go in, and why don't you touch him, and look him in the eye, and tell him that you love him if you do. And I'd fallen in love with him. And I did that.
And I did it every time I saw him at four o'clock on Christmas day, 1988. My daddy went home, and I had no unfinished business. Are you kidding me? None. None. Nothing left unsaid. And you answer those questions. Nothing left unsaid. And then for 12 more years, I had with my mom. And she got sick, and when we found out, she couldn't live alone. Always thought she'd live by my brother and the kids. And I got that call, and she says, Nancy, you and Sherrilyn had always said I could come live with you if I needed to.
She wanted to be in my home that was safe. She wanted to be in my home that was filled with sobriety and recovery when she walked in the door. I wanted to make it perfect. You can't. But I'm glad you taught me to want to. I treated them horribly. So we brought her to Denton, Texas. We couldn't have known it was gonna be so short. But I did everything I was telling them. I was telling my new friends.
I said, with my mama there, there's so many changes I saw in her. She didn't go to any meetings. She saw how it worked in me. And we fell in love. And then there was that day we used to just go all the time where you're driving behind the ambulance, but she'd always stay three days, and she had a fluid around her heart, and they'd drain that, and then she could always come home. And I had a commitment.
Anyway, I walked in that morning, one morning. She said, I didn't think I'd see you today. And I said, well, and she said, you have a commitment. I think she had my sponsor on speed dial. And I said, I know, mama, but I don't want to go. And she said, I know, but you have a commitment. She knew what you taught me. Commitment is doing what you said you'd do long after the feelings are gone when you said yes.
I said, I don't want to go. She said, I know, but you got to go. And so I got up in the bed with her. And I had this flashback about how I used to whine about, I don't even know if my parents ever rocked me. It's okay when you're six, but when you're 55, that's, you know. I don't know if they ever rocked me. Well, guess what? Well, guess what? I had my arm around my mama. She had her head on my shoulder, and I was rocking her.
What does that have to do with sobriety? Everything.
[01:00:01]
Everything. And she said, You gotta go. And I said, Mama, you want to sit in the chair? She said, Oh, yeah, I think I'd like to sit up. And so I put her in the chair, and I knelt before her. In the seventh step, you taught me that humility, one of the definitions that I like the most, is the ability to stand up but the willingness to kneel down. And so I knelt down and looked her in the eye and said, Did I tell you today how glad I am that you're my mama?
She said, Oh, yeah. She said, You gotta go. And I did. When I got off the airplane, my phone rang, and it was the nurse, her favorite nurse that I knew should be off, off-duty. And she said, Nancy, after you left, we had to put your mama on a ventilator, and I don't think she's coming off. And I said, Okay, I can be back. I'll go two gates down, and I can get back. And she handed the phone to the cardiologist that was in the room.
And he said, Nancy, don't do that. The hair on my neck stood up. And he said, Nancy, if I tell your mother that you're coming back, she'll try to come back. And she doesn't have anything to come back to. Imagine how hard that was to say to me. And then he said, You've been a good daughter. When I do the seventh step and I ask God to take away the difficulties, I say, please let me be transparent, because I want people to see your power of love and way of life.
That's what I asked for. And he had to see you in me, God in me, that I found in the second step. He says, You've been a good daughter. And my mother went home that night. No unfinished business. None. Thank you. Okay, I want to read something just to end with. You know, when a speaker says I only have one more thing, count on 30 minutes. Okay. Psalm page 276 in Keys to the Kingdom. The last 15 years or 43 of my life have been rich and meaningful.
I've had my share of problems, heartaches and disappointments because that is life. But also I've known a great deal of joy and peace that is the handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends and with my AA friends, I have a wealth of friends and with my AA friends, an unusual quality of fellowship. For to these people, I am truly related. First through mutual pain and despair and later through mutual objectives and newfound faith and hope.
And as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding and love without strings, without obligation, we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless. There is no more aloneness with that awful ache so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again.
Now there is a sense of belonging of being wanted and needed and loved in return for a bottle and a hangover. We have been given the keys to the kingdom. Thank you. Thank you.