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Source: Diane A. (AFG) Nashville, TN – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-02-15.mp3 File: diane-a-afg-nashville-tn-box-of-chocolates-2025-02-15.mp3 Duration: 01:02:46
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Thank you. Okay, got to adjust this. I'm short. Yeah. Thanks. Hi everybody. My name's Diane A., I'm a grateful member of the Worldwide Fellowship of Al-Anon and Alateen. Oh, let me start my little timer here for you, because I don't have much time. First off, I do want to thank the committee, and I want to thank Michelle for asking me, and Tracy and Vance for hosting us, they've been wonderful, and Steve and Nanette, thank you for taping, being willing to tape at the last minute.
This is really, and I don't know if they've been, you know, when they say $10 for the flash drive, it's for the whole weekend, so that's a deal, guys, take them up on this, they need to, you know, we need to support them, as Mike spoke earlier about, you know, we want this to, not just mine, but all the speakers that have been before us to be heard by those people coming after us. And I want to thank all the speakers, you know, so far it's been great, Peter and Mike and I just, I know I'm going blank now on all the, last night, Marnie, and I know I'm looking forward to the speakers, I've never heard Baron, and I'm really looking forward to another Al-Anon speaker, thank you for having two Al-Anon speakers at this convention, and you know, tonight Bob and his workshop, and tomorrow Nancy, and I know someone's speaking before Nancy, but I've forgotten already, but forgive me, I know a lot of these people and you're in for a real treat for the rest of the night, and today it's just me, Al-Anon, and I don't know, some people have come to me and they said they've never heard an Al-Anon talk, so if you've never heard an Al-Anon, I'm just one person, and you know, they say I work a good program, that's your judge, you can judge me on that or not, you know, thank you just for being here and supporting this convention, it's what Mike and I have always loved to do, to be able to come and hear other people's stories and relate, and I'll just kind of start with, you know, I came here because Mike's Treatment Center, I went to a family week and they told me to come to Al-Anon, I don't have a date, it was sometime April of 1990, and I haven't found it necessary to leave at all, and I'll tell you why, but, you know, for me, it's, I came into this world with a huge family, I'm one of 12, and I'm number 8, I have a twin sister who's number 7, she lets me know she's older than I am, and we had 8 girls and 4 boys, it was in 12 and a half years from the oldest to the youngest, too, by the way, so we were definitely stair-stepped all the way down, and the boys were kind of spread out between the girls, which made it kind of two girls for one boy each time, and it was, and it, yesterday being Valentine's, I just want to share, my sisters, we were very close, and they all started sending out these little cute little memes and stuff, and my sister, I got to see it finally last night, one that had 3 little sisters, one was out there just dancing away to some music, the other one comes up, starts dancing with her, and the third one comes up and breaks them apart, the little one, that's me, I'm the run of the family, and breaks them apart, and the two start fighting, you know, pushing each other out of the way, and, you know, trying to be part of this thing, which is so hilarious, it was a great representative of what I grew up in, you know, we had, we just had who's who in this thing, and I was the little one, so I had to kind of fight my way all the way to not be pushed around, I'm the run, but we had, it was a great family, we loved each other, we fought, we, you know, we always shared rooms with somebody, and, you know, I didn't know that you're supposed to invite people over when I had kids, you know, to play with your son, or whatever, because there was always somebody at our house to play with and to fight with, my dad worked hard, my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and my dad would come home late at night after he'd worked, and we as a family ate dinner together, we had a breakfast table of 16, so we always had somebody joining us, but my dad always ate separately, he was tired, and he would get peace and quiet, I understand that now, we couldn't figure out why he didn't always
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want to join in, and all the fun we were having, and it's kind of a free-for-all, we eat very fast, and, you know, if you want seconds, you got to eat really fast, and anyway, it was fun, it was great, alcohol was part of the family, you know, it was not ever abused really in, by my parents, my dad would come home and have that one drink, or two maybe, but usually just one, and, you know, he taught us how to make that drink, so we kind of waited on him the minute he came in, he would whistle, and somebody would have to come and see what he needed, we didn't have remote controls and all that kind of stuff back in the day, so it was always, we'd turn on my TV, turn the channel, go get me a drink, get my food, whatever, and, because he was tired and needed his rest, but he would always have that one drink, so it was okay to have a drink to rest, and to relax, that's what we grew up with, my brothers, I had three older brothers, and so they would have, you know, once they became of age, they would have beer parties or whatever at the house, and so we got to see drinking there, I never saw it really abused much, my younger brother at one time at one of the weddings, there was weddings and whatever, always alcohol, and my brother, he was like nine, and he had too much champagne, the waiters gave him champagne, and he was one that I remember, he passed out at age nine on the couch, and we all just thought it was so hilarious, and today he kind of likes alcohol too, but that's his thing, but it was never bad, I never saw it really a negative connotation for alcohol, so when I became of age, well no, excuse me, long before I became of age, with everybody else, we had sororities and fraternities in high school, and so everybody always had, there were always parties, and there was always alcohol, beer, whatever, and for me, it was, I was always wanting to be part of the crowd, and so I would, you know, if you would drink of whatever, it was whatever, rum and coke, or whatever it was, I would have one and stuff, and I never really had more than that, or if I ever had two, I realized that I would be out of control, like Mike shared earlier, that I start being impaired, rather than, you know, liking it, because I thought I might do something, or embarrass myself, you know, I'd seen people embarrass myself, I have one sibling that, that I remember getting, she got so sick on tequila one night, we had a party, and, when my parents weren't there of course, and I remember her getting sick, being embarrassed, asking me what she did the next day, and you know, she got kidded about it forever, and so for me, it was like, I'm not going to drink too much, because I don't want them laughing at me, and talking about me, or doing something I'll be embarrassed about the next day.
Boys were always, you know, part of my growing up, as far as high school, I was fortunate enough to have a all girls school in high school, and so we could kind of wear whatever we wanted, well, we had uniforms, but it was easy, but our hair on top of our head, and roller, and orange juice cans, and all this kind of, nobody knew what we were, you know, the nuns, the teachers didn't understand what we were doing, and stuff, because after school, we would roll up our skirts, and go across the street to the all boys school, and of course, let the hair down, and put the makeup on, and all that, but it was really fun, I loved being in all girls school, and then going off into college, I always realized, looking back, I always had to have another boyfriend in the wings, before I broke it off, or they broke it off with me, it was always, there was always somebody I wanted to be dating, or whatever, going into college, it was like freedom, you know, I didn't have my parents, my dad was very strict, and so, you know, you had to come in, you had the curfews, and if you didn't, you got in trouble, or whatever, but so going to college, it was like, you know, I didn't have to go to church anymore, we went to church, growing up, always Sundays, and but college, it was like, okay, perfect timing, if you grew up, it was talked about yesterday, you know, yesterday, about Imani talked about the growing up, in our, because I'm older, than all these speakers, but you know, it was fun, we could run around the neighborhood, you didn't ever have to worry about things, it was, you know, just such freedom, but the 1970, when I graduated high school, it was, drug culture had come along, and again, I was, you know, I would drink, I'd have one or two, that would be it, but then the drugs started coming on, and so, for me, it was, I didn't, I would try with you, just to be part of the crowd, and stuff, you could talk me into doing that, and it was just, I hadn't, you know, I was such a, Mike talked about what people pleasing is, but it was like,
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if you wanted me to, and wanted to be part of the crowd, I was going to go along with you, and do that, but there were certain things, I had said, I never do, because I was a good girl, and all this kind of stuff, I grew up, and that, that I'll backtrack just a little bit, that I, when I realized, looking back at all this stuff, that the reason I made most of my choices, all of my choices were pretty much made out of fear, I, I just was, you know, afraid of a consequence, so I didn't do this, or I didn't do that, or I did do this, because I wanted to, to, you know, I wanted all that good stuff, and I wanted you to like me, and I had a fear of, and because of the upgraming, and stuff, that if I did whatever, I was going to go to hell, you know, and so, it's like, okay, I don't want to go to hell, I've got a fear of hell, and, and I'm gonna be a good girl, and I'm gonna act, and so, I realized I acted out of fear, made all those decisions, and stuff, but into college, it was like, I, I just, my inhibitions were gone, it was, it was more drinking, more other things, those, those outside things that we talk about, I was doing those things, and I was doing things that I already said I'd never do, and I realized it was as a, as a fact, it was because I was, I had taken whatever it was to take away that fear, and I still did not approve of what I was doing, and so I stopped going to church, you know, I didn't go, you know, I figured if I didn't go, I didn't, it wasn't that bad, right? You didn't have to report it, like that makes a difference, you know, my conscience is my conscience, and I know what it is, and anyway, so two years into that college, oh, and in college, my, I had two older brothers and a sister that were in the same college that I was in at the same university, and I, I joined a fraternity instead of a sorority, because my brothers were in this fraternity, and my twin and I, I, I'm a twin, by the way, we were little sisters of this fraternity, and so the drinking was, I mean, that was pretty much it in this fraternity. Every weekend, there was beer parties or whatever, and ended up doing a lot of that, but college was just fun for me. I didn't really, I was in, in a career path, but I chose to drop it once I met my husband the second year of my college.
He was, we both are from Nashville, and born and raised, and I was in one side of the state, and he was at the opposite end, but when I met him on spring break before we were out that year, we just, like Mike said, fell, fell madly in love and lust or whatever it was, you know, infatuation. I decided that I would quit college because of him. I'd found him, and he was going to be in Nashville, so I could go back to Nashville, and I could work, and have my job, and tell my parents, you know, they don't have to pay for college anymore for me. They'd already paid for eight, you know, seven ahead of me, and I ended up dropping out, and I don't remember them fighting me over saying, you got, you can't drop out, you got to go in, because for me, you know, my mom grew up as a homemaker. That was my, my, my love of children, being able to be with kids, being a mom, be a teacher, whatever it was. I wanted to work with children and, or have children and stuff, so I dropped that, that career, and, and came back to Nashville, and Mike and I were off and running. I got a job at my dad's office, running his office, and, and, you know, I was making money. I ended up moving out of his house, my parents' house, because they wanted me to follow their rules, which was crazy, you know, you know. I was already, you know, so old, I think I was 19, and I thought I needed to be on my own, so a friend and I got an apartment, or a duplex, and, and then we, you know, we were able to pay our bills, and, and just have fun for two years, and I thought everything was going great, you know. There were red flags popping up with Mike and I, and, but he could always explain them away, you know, and I believed him, and, and, like I say, you know, why would he lie to me, you know, he not, we don't lie, that's a sin, so, right? Anyway, there were those red flags, and, and I just, he'd explain them, so they were green to me.
Go ahead, go ahead, that's fine, and, and so out of the blue, as he says, he broke up with me after two years, and I didn't ever know why. I was, I was like, okay, well, I was okay. I was, at this point, I was kind of a hippie and stuff, and que sera, sera, what will be, will be, you know, if we're meant to be, will be, and went on with my life, as he said, I started dating other guys, but I then moved into Dating Other Guys, Partying On Time, Little Did I Know, I've Got This Little Manipulation
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Thing Going On, and, you know, drawing him over, see what he's gonna be missing, because I'd always have a date, and he would have just his guy friends with him, and so, and I'd pretend I didn't see him, you know, during the night, or pay any attention to him, and, you know, that went on for a year, and we just remained friends. I kept the little friend thing going, kind of just as a hook probably, for what might be someday, maybe, and, because I really loved him, and, but I was a really carefree spirit at the time, and just going, I really had a faith, you know, that upbringing, it was talked about last night, yesterday, I had an upbringing, a spiritual upbringing, I was raised in the church, and I was raised in a religious school, and I believed my higher power, who I used to call, I call God now, but I called God, but it was a different God, it was that judging God, the one that I was afraid of, and I did believe that he had what, you know, my best interest in, and someone was there for me, and I just had that faith that it was gonna be okay, whether we were together or not, but as he says, he kind of had, was under the influence of other substances, and called me out of the blue to come take care of him, and as you know, if you're an Al-Anon, if somebody said they need you, that's the call, he needs, he called me, you know, he said he didn't, you know, he didn't ever explain why we broke up, so now he's finally waking up, you know, and he needs me, so I get that call, and I go over to his apartment, because it's lunch, my dad's like, didn't you break up with him a year ago, and I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, but he needs me, he's called me, and stuff, and I'm just going over for lunch to assign all these other, his friends to come over and take care of him, so I can come back to work, you know, and as, so anyway, he let me go to go over and arrange that, and I told Mike, and this is just kind of, you know, you look back at some of the things you do, and you go, that's just insane, of course, but I told him I'd bring him dinner, and that night, I got his friends to all come over, and so I go home after work, and I tell my then-boyfriend, who's living with me, that I'm taking Mike dinner, because he's had his wisdom teeth out, and he needs dinner, you know, and so I'm gonna be the one to take it, you know, I'm the only one that can save him, so my boyfriend wasn't happy with that, he did not think that was a good idea, and I said, well, it's innocent, totally innocent, I'm taking him dinner, I'll be right back, and he said, well, if you go, I'm out of here, and, but that's a threat that, you know, if you say that to me, I'm gonna call you on it, usually, and I did, I took him dinner, and I came back, and he was gone, so easy breakup, but I hadn't planned it, I didn't know that he'd really follow through, and be gone, but Mike, at the time, of course, did ask me to come back, and live with him, and he wanted me back, and all that good stuff, and I was like, well, there's a little problem with that, I've got this boyfriend back at home, and, but of course, that's what I, you know, I still loved him, and I was willing to see if it would work, so he invited me to come, and I moved in with him, because I wasn't sure whether our relationship was gonna work or not, and my mom got wind of it, and called me at the house, and said, you know, are you living with Mike, by any chance, and I'm like, well, since you're asking me, I'm guessing you already know the answer to that, and yes, I am, because I want to know whether or not we can get along, I don't know what, because I still didn't know why we broke up before, and I thought, well, if I'm there all the time, I'll know, you know, and I'll figure it out, so they'll figure it out, guys, that's our Al-Anon, it's not a slogan, but we think it is, and so anyway, I moved in, and my mom was not happy, because of some situations with my older sisters that I found out later, I just thought she was being very judgmental, and very conditionally loving me, and so I didn't go over there for a long, we were, we just kind of, I used to say she disowned me, but really, it was just too painful for her to see me, and was afraid that I'd be hurt, and everything, so anyway, she says, you know, why will he marry you,
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he doesn't need a piece of paper now, he'll never marry you, and little did she know, that he was going to be on some other, those dry goods, and out of the blue, asked me to marry him, he was not planning on doing this, guys, I was not planning on him doing it, there were no cameras watching us, or any of the stuff they do today, out of the blue, out of his mouth came, you know, will you marry me, and I just was stunned, and he was too, I think, but you know, God has a funny sense of humor, I think, and so we ended up getting engaged, my parents, oh, were ready to throw a party, they were so excited, my mom was all, everything was, you know, everything was good now, so we were back, and all is well, we ended up, back then, you could plan a wedding pretty quickly, my sister was getting married in July, and we just said, we'll just double everything, I got married in August, like, you know, a month later than my sister, and so, now, everything's going to be great, because now, we're married, none of those red flags, none of that stuff will happen again, we go on, and we're both working, and we're in an apartment, we find a home, a house, we're a couple of years looking, and it was just one of those God things that we ended up where we were, and then, so I thought, okay, now, now we can start a family, we've got a home, and we're both doing well, and so we have my first son, and I work up until I have, I actually go into the hospital to have this baby, I have my son, and all is well, you know, like I said before, I love children, I love babies, that's just the closest I can get to God, as far as I'm concerned, that's my real connection to my higher power, and so, I'm taking care of this son, and Mike's working hard, and he's starting to go through all of his stuff, and starting to get on anxiety, depression, all kinds of those medicines, to take care of all those things, because he keeps getting diagnosed as a chemical imbalance, or a, you know, whatever, and so we think, okay, the doctor's done that, so he's supposed to be taking these things, and I'm not paying attention to the alcohol intake, I'm drinking along with him, you know, and those other things that we were taking, you know, once I started being a mom, I stopped all that, you know, my doctor actually told me to have a glass of wine every night before, during my pregnancy, it would keep me calm and stuff, and I don't drink much of a glass of wine, it's a small glass, but, you know, anyway, so that's the only thing I did, was I would have a glass of wine or something, and none of the other stuff, but Mike continued to have the other things, and life was good, but there were some things that were starting to pop up, those red flags starting to pop up here and there, he was starting to get really stressed, really angry, and some things were happening, and I was like, and neither one of us actually, I'm, no communication skills whatsoever, I don't know, my parents, I grew up with parents that loved each other and never fought, never fought, one fight in my whole life that I remember, my parents, my mom getting mad at my dad, because my dad was just the one that ruled the roost, and my mom was always, yes, yes, yes, and whatever, she didn't ever really stand up to him, but this one time, and ended up throwing something at him, like, I always think of Lois throwing the shoe at Bill, and, you know, she threw something at him, and walked out of the house, and all of us kids were like little ducklings following mom, freaking out, because we thought, oh no, she's gonna leave him and divorce him, because they had one little fight, we didn't know what fights is, so for me, that's the same thing I was, I was just like that, I didn't, I didn't question, if I ever said anything, or confronted, or anything about being late, or what are you doing, and all that kind of stuff, he could explain it away, and I'd feel bad about even confronting him, or saying anything, so I didn't do that, I just stuffed everything, I just thought, and of course, he was also starting to get suicidal, and all this stuff, and I had a second son by this point, and so that fear was really creeping in for me again, big time fear, and I ended up just, you know, just stuffing everything, you know, and so if I ever had enough anger or frustration, it would always come out at the kids, you know, because they're safe, you know, they won't divorce me, if I confront him, or do anything, he might divorce me, and I didn't believe in divorce, or want divorce, because we loved each other, we just had no communication skills, and we didn't go to therapists, or counselors, or any of this stuff, ended up being, I was in school, at my kids' school, they were having a parent, little parent thing to help parents learn
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how to deal with kids, and stressful situations, and all this stuff, and I was at this little group, and all of a sudden, I hear, in the group, they give us the, we all have that sheet with 36 faces, like emojis now, but smiling, anger, frustration, whatever, all those 36, and you're supposed to circle that, how you were feeling at this class, and so, I was there, and I couldn't figure out how I was feeling, I was blank, and it's because, see, I would always call Mike, at work, before he came home, during the day, to see how I was gonna feel that day, really did, if he was in a great mood, got out, that was wonderful, I could be in a great mood, if he was really upset, or angry, or depressed, I could try to figure out how to fix that, how am I gonna help him get out of this, how, you know, I'll plan a great dinner, I'll make sure the house is clean, I'll make sure the kids are quiet, and away, you know, I've already fed them, and away, watching a movie, or something, so we can have a nice, quiet, intimate little dinner, I just planned all my days, and dinners, and everything around that, I just stuff all my feelings, and it, you know, came out on the kids, you know, they spill milk, I'd get angry, I'm just silly stuff, but anyway, I didn't know, I didn't have that communication skill, so at this, at this class, these, these faces, I didn't know how I was feeling, maybe I hadn't talked to him that day, really hadn't checked in, maybe he'd gone to work early, I don't know, I would try to always make things happy, everybody's supposed to be happy, you know, the song Happy came on, and it, just be happy, and, but I didn't, and the lady, when we went around the room, trying to say what we were doing, or, you know, mine was, I said, I don't, I don't know how I'm feeling, and in front of everybody, you know, she said, well, Diane, you're really sick, and I'm like, oh, clueless about what's going on here, and anyway, so what it was, is that, that was my first inkling, something's not right, but we hadn't seen counselors, we hadn't, there were a lot of times when I thought, maybe the drinking is a problem, he's drinking, like, we would have a bottle of wine, or something, you know, I'd have my wine, and he'd have the rest, at dinner, that's normal, right, because he's under all that stress, and he's a bigger guy than I am, and he can drink more than I can, and, but I didn't realize the drinking before he came home, or the drinking after in the garage, or whatever that was going on, and, and I was, so I thought, you know, I just, we'll just stop drinking, if maybe that's the issue, maybe that's part of the problem, so I would, I would ask him to stop drinking for whatever it was, so many months, or weeks, or days, or whatever, and he would do that, and so I thought, okay, so that doesn't make sense, okay, so it's not drinking, that's not the problem, and, because he can stop, and things usually get worse when he stops, so I thought, that doesn't make sense, so go back to drinking, you know, he's more relaxed when he, when he's drinking, and stuff, and, and I never saw him drunk, really, I consider it as social drinkers, so, you know, you don't have to be that bum on the street, that's what I thought alcoholism was, I thought it was the bum on the street, we were, we were, had kids, house, kids in school, everything, you know, not what I thought alcoholism was, I had no clue, no Googling at the time, all these symptoms that's going on, I wish there was, but, and maybe I'd have a clue, but, so the drinking would never stop, you know, he, he stopped several times, I would check it out, because his parents started having a few issues, and we thought, they, they've gotten to where they, at five o'clock, it's always, you know, alcohol, and sometimes they call us, and they're not the same people, they've, they've actually changed their personalities, and so we stopped answering the phone call after five, 5 30, or whatever, and never could figure it out, you know, he'd go to counselors, he started going to counselors, he started going to relaxation places, all these things to, that his doctors would prescribe for him, to help him out, and he ended up, you know, starting to do those crazy things that you heard about, cutting down the neighbor's trees, see, I'm a supportive wife, I'm going to support you, so he's saying, you know, he, that they were wrong, and, and suing him, he wasn't saying they were right in suing him back then, because it was an innocent mistake, and, and thing about that, and so I would take his side on everything, even though part of me would say, well, I don't know about that, maybe you jumped to the gun on that one, you know, I didn't have that, that, the, any of the program, let's just say that, ended up, um, Say That.
Ended up, um, he's told me that finally, cause I was always able, when he had troubles
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with his parents or whatever, I'd always have some way to fix it. I'd say, why don't you try to do this, why don't you try, I'm very helpful. And when I first came into the program in my 12 and 12, we were doing a study and I remember somebody shared, you know, helpfulness is a sunny side of control. And I actually wrote that in my book thinking it was a good thing. That's great, because I'm helpful, that's good, that's a sunny side, that's good, right?
Now control, that's a biggie for me. I know I'm a control freak, grew up, everything had to be controlled, organized, everything, because when you got 12 kids running around, you gotta have some kind of form of control and organization. My parents were very big on that, my dad was the control person. And I took it on, my mom was the worrier, I took it on, I worried about everything, that fear was creeping in.
And so anyway, we ended up, he telling me that situation about, well one reason I got him to stop drinking one time is my son was in fourth grade and he came home and he said, mom, I learned in school today that you and dad are doing drugs, and I went, what? And it freaked me out, of course, and I was like, how does he know? Him, not me, I'd stop. But anyway, he explained, he said, yeah, we learned today that alcoholism is a drug, alcohol is a drug.
It actually, you know, changes you and everything and it's actually acts like a drug. And I went, oh, that's good news, we'll quit. I didn't know how hard it was going to be for him, but he ended up quitting, I ended up quitting and it was not a big deal. And he ended up eventually after several, I don't know, weeks, days, months, saying, you know, he was too stressed out, he really just needed a drink to relax and I realized I thought, yeah, he's going crazy anyway, he needs to go do it in the garage or whatever, just don't let our son see you because he thinks it's a drug.
So you know, those little things, a little guilt. And I'd always say, by the way, another part of my manipulation and controlling is that I would say, you know, we need to stop. I never pointed the finger at him. I would always include me in it so that it looked better, you know, I want me to look good and that I'm not blaming him so we would do stop drinking or whatever. Anyway, the last thing was that my, I was, my mom had gotten sick and was dying of cancer and we ended up, I remember one day, you know, I was trying, the marriage was the quiet silence was starting to happen in the house a lot, no communication skills whatsoever.
And I could tell there was just a big wall being built in our house. And I was just focusing on the kids, I was being the church mom, I was being the school room mom, I was being this chair of this function and that fundraiser. I was Cub Scout leader, I was all that stuff. I was just staying really, really busy. And you know, in Al-Anon, we have the book, you know, when you get busy, you get better.
Well, that kind of busy was not getting me better. It was just isolating me from the rest of what I really needed to look at in my marriage. I wasn't willing to look at that. And as long as I stayed busy and kept up with stuff, and you know, I can fall into that busy thing today very easily. And I have to look at that sometimes, because I'm just running from something. And so I was doing all that stuff.
But when Mike told me he was getting ready to assassinate the car, I was dumbfounded. That's when I say God did for me what I couldn't do for myself. I didn't have an answer for the first time. I always had an answer because don't we know it all? I mean, we know how to fix everything. At least that's what I grew up with. You're supposed to know how to fix everything. You're supposed to know this. And so he ended up telling me what he did.
And I just, hands up, you need to go please go see somebody else because that's insane. And so he did and then proceeds that we ended up, the counselor, the thing finally sent him to an addictionologist that pointed out that he was the alcoholic. And for me, it was like I was in that room and he said for him, how could he say that in front of me? But for me, it was yay, there's an answer. It's alcoholism finally, and I didn't know what it was.
Back then we used to have encyclopedia things, they're books, and that I'd never opened up
[00:35:03]
to see what alcoholism was. I don't even, I'd be curious to see from what it says back then. But I didn't know what alcoholism was. They pointed it out and they pointed the finger at him. So then I'm like, yay, it's not me. And so they sent him off to treatment. I went to a family week. My kids went with me and it was actually three days. And in there, I learned, I got my one day at a time book. They gave that to me in that treatment center and said, go to Al-Anon.
But I heard the word enabling. And see, I could translate enabling as helpful. It was the same thing for me, exactly. When I'm being helpful, I'm enabling. Because they haven't asked for my help, or maybe they did, but it still could be enabling. And that was just a whole new word for me. And so they told me to go to four meetings. I signed my name on a piece of paper that said I would go to four. And I'm a commitment person.
If I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to be there. So I go to my first Al-Anon meeting, and it's a little room with a few old ladies, probably as old as I am. And I thought, and I'm young, I'm in my 30s. And so all I heard them say, and understand this, all I heard, what I heard, not what they said, but what I heard them say, is that they were sick and they had a disease. And so I thought, why would I want this?
I don't have a disease. I'm not the one that has the problem. It's him. They've already told me he's an alcoholic. And so I didn't go back to that one. The second meeting, because I'd, second one, I thought, well, there's got to be some, I said I'd go to four, so I'll go to some more. And so I went to the second one, and it happened to be a place that they had, actually, they had newcomer meeting. And so they took us out, several of us, and talked about the first step, and talked about the disease, and talked about all that stuff, and how we actually have an issue.
And I was willing to maybe, you know, okay, okay, saw those steps on the wall, and I knew those steps. I mean, I grew up with those steps. And as far as I, you know, I had the faith, I had that, I'd done confession, I'd done all that stuff. And so I just kind of, they were, okay, that's fine, I didn't need a sponsor, you know. And because I could do that myself, those are easy. And because it's not me, right, it's him.
And so I went to these, and they actually had you go to six newcomer meetings in a row. And so I started going to those, and I had my kids, they told my kids, you know, I said, y'all, they asked, there's an Allotine thing, would y'all like to go? But just go to six, that's what they say in the meetings, go to six, and if you don't like them, that's fine. So I took them to Allotine, and Allokid back then, because they were eight and 11, and they loved it.
And I said, that was great, because they had no idea what alcoholism was either. See, I had protected them so much from any issues, but if he was in a bad mood, or if he was, you know, depressed, or whatever, I covered it up very well. I kept them happy and kept it going. And they had no clue that dad had an issue. They rarely ever saw any of the negative things that alcoholism because I covered it up, and I was protecting them.
And so when we said, dad's an alcoholic, and I'm going to go to Al-Anon, and you can try the Allotine, they were very confused. So when they ended up going to the Allotine and the Allokid, I think they just loved talking with other kids whose parents were alcoholics, and then starting to compare some notes, maybe. But they loved it. The oldest son ended up going for all seven years that he went, until he went off to college, and he had two or three of them at his first wedding, it was great, they still stayed close.
And the younger ones followed his older brother's footsteps and stayed in Allotine till he went off, and then he didn't do it anymore. He was on his path. So anyway, I started going to these Al-Anon meetings, and I wasn't doing too much, but as Mike explained earlier, he decided to get rigorously honest with me, because he's heard that word rigorous honesty, so he didn't want to have to carry any of that stuff anymore.
So he got rigorously honest with me about being unfaithful to me for the last eight years, in a very matter of factly way. And see those red flags that had been popping up that I was painting green, all of a sudden went really red flashing, you know, it was starting to be clear what had gone on. And I was not in a good place. And but that for me was my bottom. That's what I needed to be able to see that I needed you.
That I could not do this alone. I had fortunately been to those meetings and had heard people share about that.
[00:40:01]
And so I knew to call somebody, meet me after coffee, let's talk about this. How do you do this? Because what I had seen, we'd been in the program for a few months and stuff, and I'd seen him getting better. And not me, I could see him getting better, but I wasn't getting any better. All the worry, all that stuff was still on me. But as I said, I wasn't doing the steps, I didn't have a sponsor, wasn't doing any of that.
And so it finally made me realize that when I realized he had a sponsor, he was working the steps and he was going to lots of meetings. Maybe if I did that. And I had heard people talk about service and recovery. And I heard people being in similar situations and they were peaceful. They were serene. They had recovery. And so I thought, well, maybe I really need to get busy in this program. So I did.
I got a, well, actually, his counselor at the treatment center said, I am no longer going to be talking to you. Find a sponsor. And if you don't, I will find one for you. And so she gave me a list of three names. And one of the ladies I knew and had actually been my oldest son's kindergarten teacher and I thought was the happiest person in the world. I thought if she's in Helena, I'm going to ask her because somehow she's found the joy.
And so she sponsored me for a long time until our careers clashed because I'd gone back to work once my youngest son had gone to school and marriage was falling apart as far as I was concerned. And I thought I need to have a job. I need to have a career. I need to be able to support myself. But fear still was there. And when he told me that and I spoke with a lady that had been through a similar thing, I've talked to my spiritual, I want to say, spiritual advisor at church and who is actually in the program too.
So it was really helpful. And I said, you know, this is a scenario I don't know what to do and stuff. And he's like, you know, you know the facts now and it's your choice to if you want to divorce him, you've got every right to do that. And if not, you can, you know, you stay in the marriage or whatever. But but I saw him getting better. And so I decided because of y'all, you gave me the one day at a time slogan and that I was going to be in this marriage one day at a time.
I'd heard somebody share, you know, wake up when you wake up in the morning, ask yourself if you can be in this marriage today. If it's yes, you're there. If it's maybe stay. If it's no, it's time to go. And so I would do that. And I told Mike, I'm willing to stay one day at a time as long as we work this program and we and we talk it out. And, you know, my kids were in recovery. We were in recovery.
I thought things were going good because I didn't like his amends. Like he said that it wasn't it just didn't hit for me. And I knew what I wanted for amends. But he wasn't willing to do that at the time. His sponsor was telling him that was not a good thing. And so and I understand it. It's in the big book. It's clear. And I understand he was just doing what he knew. And so but, you know, after a while, you know, the kids were doing good and, you know, we were doing well every day.
It was more of a it was a trust issue thing that we were trying to build on and grow. And as you said, my youngest son, the program was working for me. I was going to lots of meeting. I started to get involved in service and I realized I was starting to work on me. I realized at the time that I may not end up staying in this marriage. And so I needed to take care of me and know what health is, because I knew I was not living a healthy relationship.
There was not, you know, people would share about their relationships or what happened at their house or whatever. You know, one of those situations you hear in a meeting and everybody burst out laughing and I would go, why are they laughing? Isn't that normal? No, it wouldn't have been normal. But I did it. That's how I lived in my house. That's how I covered up all those things that all those tools and defects of things were starting to come up.
Well, my sponsor worked with me and I started to look at me and things were starting to get better because I knew the marriage may not I had to say the marriage may not work and I had to surrender that surrender to me as a big part of this program. I remember before I even came in this door, I was at a church and I just knelt down and I said, I don't know if this marriage is going to work, God, but I put it in your hands and I surrendered it at the time.
I just said, I can't fix it. I've tried everything and I give up and that surrender to me is so big. Well, I know I was surrendering a lot of things and I was going through the program and my youngest sons started being teenagers. Hello? I needed the program because they were teenagers, and my sponsors were helping me through all
[00:45:01]
that. The youngest son gets kicked out of school and I try for a month to get him in other private schools, and he got kicked out of a public school. And he was in 8th grade and I want him to be able to graduate 8th grade. And so I thought, OK, I'm going to have to home school, and so I was going to tell my work that I was going to quit and just home school him. And I didn't want to do that because we were a lot alike and I knew it was going to be a conflict.
But anyway, so it ended up, this was like on a Monday and it was right before Christmas break that weekend, and I told my, I was whining again to my sponsor at the time about this child, I can't get him in, I can't get him in, what am I going to do, blah, blah, blah. And she finally just said, Dan, why don't you let go and let God. I was like, how's God going to get him into school, you know. I've been doing all the work and it's not working.
And she said, just let go and let God. So I said, the arrogant person that I am said, well, OK, God's got till Friday. Because see, I thought God's in charge of the big stuff. I'm in charge of my family, OK, you know, he takes care of the World War Wars, I can take care of Nashville, OK. And so I said, God's got till Friday. So because it was going to be vacation, I was going to have to, you know, give him my notice and before I, you know, quit, to quit.
And so on Thursday night, we get a call and it's from the Alternative Learning Center. They have an interview for my son and us the next day on Friday. So we show up at this interview and guess what? He was enrolled on Friday. So that's my little thing. Give God this much and let's test him to see how he can do this. And he did. He came out because I didn't think he did a good job, though. I didn't want him in that school.
That was a school for kids with drugs and alcohol and bad problems. And that's not my son. He just had a little marijuana in his shoe, you know. God could have done better. But anyway, a year goes by, I say, well, we'll see how God does with this because he graduates in a year out of that school so he can go into a regular school. And of course, at that, I had to admit God did the best job, better than I could have ever done, because that son is my son who struggles and struggles today with school and all that.
But going out of that little school that he got like five different awards and to see him beaming because he's never he never was one to get awards. That's just that's his older brother got all the awards and accolades and he didn't. So I thought, OK, God, you got it again. Give you more. I'll trust you with more. And he turned 16. Of course, I'm on my knees every night giving him to, you know, that every time he took out of the driveway, many crashes, cars, whatever it was, you know, Alan, I never, never failed me.
It was always there to hold my hand. And then the oldest son gets engaged. He's off to college and the youngest son moves out of a house because he's 18. It's his between his junior and senior year and he wants to move out. But because we are now and not at this point, you know, I'd been in like eight or ten years. Y'all gave me the courage to wish him well and bless him and say, you know, it's either going to work out or it's not.
And it's none of my business what you do. And I didn't check up on him. I didn't have to do those calls all the time and check in, see how he's doing, have him over for dinner every now and then. I went to his apartment maybe once or twice. He was living with a friend and we go to a conference in Huntsville that year. And it's one that we, it was a perfect conference for us. There were a lot of people there that had been in jail and found AA in jail and found recovery there or gone through really tough things.
So we come back after this four-day convention and we ended up, both of our children were there at our house and they didn't belong there anymore. They were like, why are they here, you know? And I said, come on in and sit down. We're like, oh, we don't like that, you know. But anyway, we come in and they say, OK, well, on Thursday night after you left, they didn't know, they knew we were at a conference, but Thursday night my youngest son had gotten arrested with three felonies and a misdemeanor.
And I said, you know, Al-Anon sometimes leaves me, you know, at times. And I had that response, I thought, well, why didn't you call us? And he said, and this is your words, guys, this is AA's and Al-Anon's, he said, well, because you always told me if I got myself into trouble, I had to get myself out. And I said, OK, so who got you out? Because he was in jail. And he pointed to his older brother, who I'll save our seat for yet, went and got him out
[00:50:03]
of jail. And, you know, the next day he wound up the money and everything. And so because we had been where we had been in the right place and heard the right speakers talking about this, we knew what to do. You know, we said we'd love you no matter what. We don't like the choices you made and you're going to have to suffer the consequences whether you go to jail or not, it's on you, you know, but we'll love you no matter what.
And, you know, we don't have lawyers that we can call or anything. You need to, you know, ask maybe your friends that have been through this, you know, you find a lawyer, it's on you. And he had saved all of his money forever and since he was a baby. And we said, you know, you'll pay for the lawyer and take care of all that. And he did. He found a lawyer and being his first offense, they gave him a two year probation.
And at that time, I didn't know he dropped out of school or anything because I wasn't checking up on him. And he came back and he said, I want to move back home because he had two year probation. And I said, that's fine. No drugs, no alcohol. And you're back in school because I said, you've got to graduate high school. This is his senior year. And he was going to have to go to summer school and all that to to make up for what he missed.
But anyway, you know, he stayed with us for two years, the same time our oldest one had gotten engaged that like that Thanksgiving. And come January, February, he calls us and he said, how do you guys feel about being grandparents? I'd love to someday. How about August? Sure. And I said, well, do you want to move the wedding up? Because they'd put it off for two years. And I said, don't you want to move it up to the spring?
Let's get get you married. And before this baby's born, I go, no, why? And I'm like, oh, just a thought. Just just popped up now. Y'all do what y'all want to do. I had to stay out of it. I didn't have to force him to go get married and all this stuff. I thought, oh, God, they're going to have a baby before they even get married. Maybe they won't even get married. All those fears started popping up, you know, fear, fear, fear, always coming in.
But you guys have taught me how to change that fear into love and stuff and to give it to my higher power and trust that it's in his hands and that he's still got this. And so he ended up that baby was born. I got my first little granddaughter. I had a little girl for the first time. It was all boys in my house, but me. And so, you know, I happen to work in the school. So spring break, vacation, summer breaks, all this, you know, because my son was young and his girlfriend was young, you know, on the weekends, his her mom would take take our granddaughter one one night and I'd take him the next week so they could have the weekend just to try to seal their relationship.
And my son, you know, ended up quitting college and coming home and getting a job and finding an apartment. And many times, you know, the lights were going to be turned off or the water or whatever. And I had to stay out of it, guys. I had to let them figure it out. And they did. And, you know, when that baby was 18 months old, she got to walk down the aisle with them and be their little flower girl at their wedding.
They actually got married. And so, you know, then again, I said, God, you still know, it was beautiful. I just made me cry. And so I got to do this, have this little granddaughter forever, spring, summer break and all that. I just, I loved another baby in the house. And so ended up, let's see, where am I? Okay. Yeah. That that granddaughter of mine, when she hit high school, she was in the band and stuff and marching band, which we got to have never been involved in that, but we got to be involved in that.
But we started seeing her change. I started seeing her change into wearing boys clothes, cutting her hair like a guy and stuff and just and that was cool with me. It was fun. But I figured she'll tell me she knows she she came to Alan on AA meetings with us all the time. And so, you know, we have we have a really good relationship and I didn't ever ask her. I just figured she wanted to wear that. And I used to at school, we had a great consignment sale, so I'd always take her shopping at the consignment sale.
We'd get clothes from my house that she could have when she was over and visiting and stuff. But we started seeing these changes with her and everything and we didn't that. That's fine. I'm going to love her no matter what. And so ended up being she's graduating high school and we're getting ready to throw a party at our house because my big family and all and some of our friends who were just they lived in a little bitty house.
So we had a place that she could have a party and my son was in doing the banners and stuff. So he was going to do a banner with her name on it and and the schools and ended up being that her mom came over and said, by the way, and my son and her mom got divorced and we
[00:55:07]
got to go through that. And it was a beautiful I mean, it's like I've never seen a divorce so easy, but my son had gone to Allentown and we'd had recovery in our household. So they did just a wonderful thing. They put it together themselves. They took it to a lawyer and said, file this for us. And they co-parented that child one week on one week off. And it was it was great. And we stayed connected to that mom because we wanted a relationship with both of them and ended up being we, you know, we would have Thanksgiving and Christmas and she and her boyfriend and my son and his girlfriend or or whatever would all be there at the table together.
It was just one big happy family as far as I was concerned, it worked out because of the program. But anyway, so we're going to do this banner. And she came over, the mom came over and said, you might want to talk to talk to your granddaughter about that. I don't think she wants her name on the banner. And so the granddaughter came over and said, I got to talk to you. And we said, OK, what? And she said, I don't want the name on the banner.
And we said, OK. And she said, oh, oh, and one other thing I need to tell you, I'm going to be graduating in a boy's cap and gown and under a different name, a guy's name, because in school they've known me by this other guy's name and I'm a trans man and I'm going to have some surgery and I want to go into college as a trans man. And we're like, I thought, OK, finally, it's coming out, you know. And I said, great.
That's fine. I love you no matter what. You know, you're still my grandchild. And so he went off to college and was there two years. The only problem I had was the pronouns was the hardest part, because I said, I said, please give me some grace, because 18 years I've known you as a she and a her, and now I have to switch all that to your other name and he and him. I said, I'm old. Just give me grace.
You know, I love you and nothing's done on purpose. And it was beautiful. So after two years, middle of his second year in college, COVID hit and that just kind of blew the roof off and that he couldn't do the school online and all of that. And he was suffering with a lot of anxiety and depression that he had had for a while anyway. And so he quit college and his parents said, well, we're not going to pay for your apartment up there.
You're going to have to come home because or keep paying for it yourself, because if you're not in school, it's you're on your own. I think that was the program talking to them that my son did get have a little bit of program. So anyway, he said he wanted to come home and live with us because we had an empty house. So he came and lived with us for like 18 months, which was beautiful. It was wonderful.
He tried to work and he did work. But I got to see him on an everyday basis. So I got to see him transitioning and seeing and that nothing was different other than his outward appearance. He was still my granddaughter, my grandchild that I love from the time I held her and stuff as a baby. It was the exact same person. And as I've shared, it's come to me that it's not the outside. It's the inside that I love.
And I know it's the same person. And you taught me, you know, there's sure there's a fear wants to creep in on how they're treated and how he's treated and stuff. But, you know, because I got to be with him and I trust in his higher power that he's in his hands, he can he can take care of him. And and at the end of 18 months, we said, OK, you've saved up all your money. You say you want to, you know, move out west.
It's time to kick you out of the nest. And so he did. He went and moved out west to be in Portland for a year. And then he moved down to California where his dad is. And he's lived out there for a couple of years now. And, you know, he's he's on his path. And we we we call our sons, both of our kids now live out in California. The oldest son had moved out there. He had married and divorced again and and decided when his son had gone to college that he would move out to California because he works remotely and he could do a snowboard or whatever it was and still work.
And so he moved out there. So our family is all out there. But, you know, I feel your God's doing for me what I can't do for myself in that, that he's taken him two or three thousand miles away. So I can't be that helicopter mom and stuff, calling and checking them and everything because I want to, you know, I want to. I love them. I want to, I love them, but I know I've just got to keep giving them up to God's hands.
The youngest son has struggled since he moved out there, back and forth, he's had good times and bad times, and there's been so many times that, you know, this is why I stay in Al-Anon,
[01:00:04]
it's non-stop, you know, something always, and for me, you know, I keep growing, I keep learning more about me and all my defects and stuff that come up and stuff, but you guys help me through it and hold my hand through all of it, and there's always been somebody ahead of me that's been through whatever it is I'm going through. I've lost my dad, I lost my brother to, you know, other diseases and stuff throughout this program, but, you know, because of the program, I have a relationship with my parents, I had a relationship with my parents, and all my siblings, you know, we're very, very close, but it's because of you guys that I've been able to take those resentments and anything between them and make it right.
One of my brothers that I had an issue with, always, he was kind of the black sheep and stuff, because of y'all giving me that resentment prayer and stuff that I use that on a regular basis, I was on the phone with him one time, and I was talking to him, and at the end of the conversation, I said, I love you, and then hung up, and I went, wait, who said that? Because I'd never told him I'd loved him since I was a kid, and I was like, higher power works, it really does, and so I have, you know, just such a wonderful life today. Mike, as he shared, you know, we'll be married 50 years in August, because of y'all.
I still do it one day at a time, you know, but because of the program, I've learned how to live my life and to give everybody, every one of y'all, my family members to my higher power, and I just take care of Diane today and give myself to my higher power also, and I'm going to close with August 6th out of our One Day at a Time book. This is the day which God has given into my hands. If I could only realize what a tremendous gift it is. I would use every moment of it to make my life more serene, more rewarding. I would not look back over my shoulder at the disappointments of the past. I would not anxiously contemplate the future. I would live just for today as well as I can. I would put aside critical thoughts of others.
I would notice interesting things, the expressions on people's faces, a plant growing on my windowsill, and the grace and charm of a child, or an arrangement of clouds. Today, there are wonders all around me if I will open my eyes and enjoy them. And see, you guys have really opened my eyes. Thank you so much for letting me be here. It's an honor.