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Source: Marry S – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-01-23.m4a File: marry-s-box-of-chocolates-2025-01-23.mp3 Duration: 00:44:54
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Hi guys, my name is Marian, I'm an alcoholic, my sobriety date is May 31st, 2017, where I come from, a lot of people will yell, that's a good day, but in my experience, it was the worst day of my life, walking into an AA meeting with a bunch of old people, and everyone was laughing, and I was like, why? I have to be here, just to preface, I'm going to share my story with you guys, if that's okay, I couldn't think of anything that I could talk about long enough outside of myself, I am my favorite topic, so I might as well get into it, right? Preface really quickly, this is my experience, I in no way am Alcoholics Anonymous, everything I say outside of quoting the book is purely an opinion, and so if you don't like what I have to say, that's totally okay, there are beautiful people in this chat, you can get their number and talk to them after the meeting, I'm sure they'd love to chat.
I have a sponsor, she knows she is my sponsor, I have sponsees, they drive me absolutely up the wall, and my home group is Women's Big Book, it's a closed big book study, we meet Wednesday night, 6.30pm in San Antonio, Texas, we offer babysitting, which is really important to me, to have a meeting that is accessible to parents, there is a men's meeting across the hall as well, that also uses the babysitting, so if you ever find yourself, regardless of how you identify, in the city of San Antonio on a Wednesday night, please connect with me, I'm happy to point you in the right direction, or any night, I'm happy to point you in the right direction.
Thank you so much for asking me to join this meeting, I love online meetings, when the world shut down in 2020, this is what saved me, I have some of the best relationships because of online meetings, I recently met, I went to WACKIPAW, which is the Western Area Conference of Young People and AI in Denver, the first weekend of January, and I met a man that I had known from an online meeting, the last five years, and we met for the first time, he knows all of my fears, and yet I had no idea how short he was, and that's one of the great things about online meetings, no matter where I go in the world, there's always an alcoholic available, I grew up in Austin, Texas, my family puts the fun in dysfunctional, my dad served four tours in Iraq, so he wasn't around a lot, and my mom, she is bipolar and unmedicated, and so if you have experience with that, you can tell the ups and the downs from that, and so at a really young age, I felt a lot of responsibility for my family, I felt I was the only thing keeping my family together, and the glue, I guess, held my family, is that the case?
No, I'm not God, but that's a lot of what I felt, and so at 13, by the time I had my first drink, if anything, I needed it, and I mean, you don't understand what I'd gone through as a 13-year-old girl, which I'm sure every 13-year-old girl feels the same way, and so there's a story, I'm really big about the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous, and in our preface of the big book, it talks about at the end, there are 42 personal stories, and we hope that you identify in at least one of them, and so my sponsor, when we first started working together, she had me go and find my story, which one do I identify, which I think is a big deal, and one of the things I love about Alcoholics Anonymous is no matter where I go, I can always identify, and so my story is Crossing the River of Denial, if you've ever read that, absolute fire, that woman is batshit crazy, and she stayed sober, and it still, to this day, gives me hope, but she talked about, in the beginning of her story, how she felt a lot of responsibility as a young girl, and when she drank for the first time, all that responsibility evaporated for her, and that is my experience, I got drunk, not my first drink, but I got drunk for the first time at 13, I was floating the river in New Brumfels with my dad's then-wife, she, you know, I had a giant bottle of Gatorade and vodka, and when you're laying horizontal, it doesn't seem to really affect you, but the second I stood up, it was vertical, the whole world seemed to move, you know, I grew up incredibly religious, and I'm not dogging on religion by any means, but one of the big things that kept me in line for a really long time was fear, and I thought, like, oh God, if I do wrong, something bad will happen, and, you know, that day, I got absolutely hammered, I threw up, passed out, and I came to a few hours later, and, like, nothing bad had happened, and that was kind of a big catalyst for me, it was, like, no one was mad, I wasn't, like, you know, I wasn't hung over or anything, I just, like, for the first time when I drank, it felt like my skin fit, and I could take a full deep breath, and, like, that is my experience.
[00:05:09]
I didn't start drinking alcoholically, though, until I got to college, you know, I am an alcoholic, I've always been an alcoholic, it's, you know, found itself in other ways, but the second I could get my hands on alcohol, I drank as much as I could for as long as I could, I could never, one time there was a girl in my dorm who, like, got really drunk, like, she blacked out, and the next day, she was, like, absolutely terrified, because she didn't know where she was, and I was, like, that's the goal and the dream, like, I'm just trying to do my best.
I'm just trying to teleport, you know what I mean, I'm just trying to time travel and to teleport wherever, you know, I'm not trying to remember or feel anything, and so, I couldn't understand, and, you know, that's alcoholism for you, where I'm, like, oh, one drink, you're so, you know, how are you scared, but, anyways, I went to Stephen F. Austin State University in Nacogdoches, Texas, if you know where that is, it's in BFE East Texas, it's, like, you know, tiny town, there are two bars and one Walmart.
And I, you know, it was, like, one of the top party schools, you needed a 2.0 and a beating heart to get in, and I had both, and so, you know, I went, and I found my people very quickly, I got a job at a bar, which was awesome, you know, I can walk into the walk-in cooler, they were, like, known for their apple pie shots, and they'd keep them in a really big vat, and I'd go in with, like, a styrofoam cup and fill that baby up, you know, and drink all day, and the second I'd get off of work, I, like, you know, fraternities, you're a girl, and you get shit for free, you know, and so, you know, I was, like, you know, I was, like, you know, I was, like, you know, I was, like, you know, I was, like, you know, I was, like, you And so that's exactly what I did, and it was like, you know, an alcoholic's dream. The thing about going to college, and remaining in college, is they do expect you to attend class, and so that was one thing I, like, really, I know, one thing I had, like, a really hard time with, and really didn't understand, I was, like, okay, so I would, you know, I would go to work, I'd get hammered at night, and I started, like, Friday, Saturdays, and then it turned into, like, Friday, Saturday, Sundays, and then it was, like, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and slowly, but surely, I always had an excuse for every day of the week to be drinking, and, you know, what used to be easy, like, going to class, became really hard, because I'd wake up at noon, or one, and miss all my classes, and if anything, what a good reason to drink, you know, I was only there for about a year, but that was, you know, kind of the kicking off of my drinking.
I went back home to Austin, Texas, and I entered into an incredibly abusive relationship, and I mention that, because, like, my problem is alcoholism, it is not alcohol, and so, like, it can be, I'm really good at making anything my higher power, whether it's alcohol, whether it's, you know, other substances, or, like, you know, one of my favorite things is to put on a pedestal is men, you know what I mean, and so this person became my higher power, if it wasn't alcohol, it was him, and it became really, really hard to leave that situation, when that person is your whole, whole life, and, you know, your God, but with the help of friends and family, I was able to leave that situation after about two and a half years, and so, like, you know, I am selfish and self-centered, I know, the only thing I know how to do is to get what I want, and to do anything I can to do that, you know, whether it's hurting my family or not, and so, even though I've been helped by my family to leave this situation, if anything, it gave me just another reason, you know, to do what I wanted to do.
I heard a speaker call it once, like, I was fluent in victimese, and, like, that is 1000% my favorite language, I would pull out, I'd be drinking down at the bars on 6th Street, and, like, I call them my trauma playing cards, like, Pokemon cards, where, like, if my behavior started to become deplorable, or I, like, my friend started to question what I was doing, I'd, like, whip out one of my, like, playing cards and be, like, well, my dad wasn't really around for very long, and I was very young growing up, so I can drink the way that I do, or, like, oh, I don't know if you know this, but I was in an abusive relationship, so I'm allowed to fight men in bars, you know what I mean, like, whatever it was, I had a really good excuse for my behavior, your birthday, my birthday, promotion, I bought a new car, I'm sad, election, regardless of who won, you know what I mean, like, whatever it was, I always had a good reason for drinking.
Towards the end of my drinking, I discovered, you know, other substances, and I truly believe alcohol is the main character, and these other substances were just supporting actors, you know, and if it wasn't for those substances, you know, I don't know that I would have gotten here as quickly as I did, and I am grateful for the experience, and for Alcoholics Anonymous, and so, you know, I did, I partook in other things, specifically powdered alcohol, started with a C, as with O'Kane, and it, you know, accelerated things for me, May 5th of 2017, I was doing what I do best, which is, I think it was like a Tuesday night, which is like my favorite night to go out, well, all nights were good to go out, I also used to go out in my pajamas, because when I passed out, which I always did, somewhere random, I was a sleepy drunk, I wanted to be comfortable, so I would, I'd be like the girl who's asleep on some random person's couch in her pajamas, no one was hitting on me at the bars,
[00:10:22]
anyways, so May 5th of 2017, I was drinking, as I normally did, I got behind the wheel, as I normally did, and I was taking my friend to a, to their car, and you know, one minute you're there, and the next, you're somewhere else, and I woke, you know, came to, and my window in my car was down, and I don't remember rolling my window down, so I tried rolling it up, and it didn't, and I, so I was like, okay, and so I was like, something's off, I should park my car, and I go to try and park my car, and my gear shift is sideways, so I'm like, okay, something has happened, turns out, I was taking a right at a red, and I decided that was the perfect time to pull out in front of a cop who was responding to a call, and so he, he hit me on the driver's side, and I fractured 10 ribs, and had a collapsed lung, and put another person in my car in the hospital, and this is where I think, you know, normal people may have a, what, you know, like a come to Jesus moment, if you will, where they're like, hey, maybe I should stop drinking, but me, if anything, I needed a drink, you know, like, you don't understand what just happened to me, I'm about to go through the court system, like, I, you know, what, like, whatever, like, just, you know, May 5th is my, my mom, and they had to spend it in the hospital with me when my mom got a phone call at 3 a.m., you know what I mean, but, like, I'm so selfish and self-centered that, like, that's not my problem, you bothering me is a problem, you know, my family started to question my drinking at this point, my friends wanted nothing to do with me, and I was, you know, I was about to lose my job, I had to have a good, clean driving record for my job, and I was gonna lose it, and if anything, I really needed a drink, I remember a social worker coming and asking me, like, how often I drink, and if this was a regular occurrence, I just remember being like, no, I never do this, this is never, you know, even in the moment, like, lying, I knew I had to lie about it, because I was worried that they would make me stop, you know, and so, I'm 22, I'm in the hospital, all this good stuff, and for the first time ever, I'm like, okay, maybe I should slow down, for the first time ever, I'm put in a position where I probably shouldn't drink, I think it probably is a good idea, so I give myself a challenge of, like, 30 days, I'm like, 30 days, we'll stop drinking, we'll chill out, like, it'll be okay, but of course, I don't tell anyone, because if I do, they'll hold me accountable, and I don't want that, so, yeah, I get out of the hospital, all this good stuff, I'm doing, you know, trying not to drink, but I'm doing all the same things, I'm going to the bars, I'm, like, going to work, just, like, all this stuff, and I'm at a bar, and I don't, couldn't tell you how, like, it talks about in the book, a mental blank spot, and I just end up with a drink in my hand, and this is when, you know, I kind of hit my bottom, I realized, is like, I'm in the bathroom of this bar, and I'm counting the amount of days, because I've convinced myself that it's been 30 days, and it's been 12 days since I got out of the hospital, and I'm drinking again, you know, not even two weeks, I've made it, and I just remember looking at myself in the mirror, and thinking to myself, like, when do I grow out of this, you know, because at 22, how many people have, like, told me, like, oh, it's just a phase, you'll grow out of it, you're just a kid, you know, and, like, I just remember looking at myself being, like, but when, when does that happen, does it happen when I'm 23, when I'm 26, like, when do I stop feeling miserable, or feeling this way, like, why can't I do this, but of course, I'm not alcoholic, I just, you know, I just have an issue, and it's probably therapy is what I need, so I go to the doctor after the hospital, and this is one of, yeah, I go to the doctor after the hospital, and I give her my chart, and I've never met this lady in my life, I don't even know why I go to the doctor, they told me after the ER I should, so I was like, okay, whatever, and at this point, I'm following any direction that they give me, because I'm about to be on paper, so I'm like, okay, whatever will help, I'll do, so I went to this doctor, and she was looking through my chart, and she was like, you know, how often do you drink, and I'm like, well, not that often, just, like, five days a week, something like that, and she was like, okay, for sure, how much do you drink, and I was like, two, but she didn't ask the volume of the drinks, so too many pictures, specifically, yeah, of audios, motherfucker, specifically, it's got, like, four layers,
[00:15:27]
Early on Set Stages of Cirrhosis, and then she does something which I think is absolutely, like truly a God moment. She says, there's an AA meeting down the street. If you want, I'll go with you. I've never met this lady in my life. I've never seen her in an AA meeting since. I think this is such a beautiful example of PICPC, which is public information cooperating with professional communities. Because of that, this doctor was able to designate me to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
And since going to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I've stayed sober. And I think that that is absolutely insane. To this day, the most humbling thing is when I would go and I would see her for my annual checkup. She'll be like, do you drink? And I'd be like, what? You literally changed my life. What are you talking about? No, I don't drink. Literally every year after, she never remembers me and it is the most humbling experience.
When I go, I take what she said seriously and I find a meeting. My sobriety date is May 31st, 2017 and my first meeting I go to is June 1st because I didn't have a car. And the only reason that is my sobriety date is because it's my dad's birthday and they would not let me drink at dinner. So I walk into this meeting. Everyone is laughing. I have no idea why. It's the worst day of my life. I'm 22 and I have to stop drinking at AA.
And I sit down and I couldn't tell you what the topic is, but I just remember this woman, her name was the cookie lady. And she said, I can laugh at all the messed up things I did because I'm okay with who I am today. And it's always stuck with me because at that moment in time, I had no idea what it felt like to be okay. I had no idea what it felt like to laugh about all the things because I was so ashamed of the things that I had done and more so the person that I had become.
And I just, I didn't get it. And so, they tell you to keep coming back and I didn't realize at the time, I told everyone that, but I was like, Oh my God, I will. Thank you so much. And I had to anyways for court. And so I keep coming and by day three, I'm telling everyone I'm on step three. I don't have a sponsor. I sponsored myself for a little bit. That was super cute and fun. I was like, yeah, I know God, step three, for sure.
Probably on that one, like actively telling people at meetings. And I love Alcoholics Anonymous because they just love me. You know what I mean? They didn't correct me. They're just like, for sure. And then after that meeting, an old timer, he came up to me and he's like, are you hungry? And I said, I don't have any money. And he said, I didn't ask you if you had any money. I asked if you're hungry.
I said, yes. And he took me to dinner and he taught me what Alcoholics Anonymous was. He told me what a sponsor was. He told me the etiquette of meetings. He basically just like guided me and showed me. And I'm so grateful that he was cool because sometimes there are people who are not extra safe. It's not the UK. It's not church. And not everyone here is well. And so I am blessed to have had such a strong, strong home group members who were able to take me.
And so he suggested I get a sponsor. And I got to, I go to, there's this woman at my meetings, her name was Scary Mary. And she, she would cry sometimes in meetings, which I was like, what? Like I was so, it's funny now because I'm not a hugger at all. But at the time I would like hug everyone that came in. I was like the poster child of AA. I was like, oh, I'm so happy to be here. How are you? And I was just pretending to be okay.
And this woman would come into meetings and if she wasn't okay, she would say it out loud. And then she would cry if she needed to, you know, and I was like, what a foreign concept. But then again, like after the meeting, if someone was being creepy, she'd turn around and tell them to fuck off. You know? And so like that is 100% like, that's what I wanted. Like that's, I don't know. I like wanted that so bad.
And so they said, find a sponsor who has what you want. And I was like, that's it. That's what I want. And so I was trying to work up the courage to ask her to be my sponsor after the meeting. And this woman turns to me and she goes, what's your name? And I'm like, oh, Mary. But I know there's another Mary here, so you can call me Mary Margaret. And Scary Mary turns around and she goes, is that your real name?
I was like, yeah. And she's like, because that's my name. And just another moment where like, God, you know what I mean? Like, there was a time where I didn't believe in God, but how can you ignore these big coincidences, you know? And so I asked her to be my sponsor and we worked through the steps. And it was challenging. I struggled a lot with the second step, you know, came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
I didn't think I was insane, you know, I'm smart, for the most part.
[00:20:02]
Like, I could make a job, I could have a job, like all these things. And I had a hard time understanding that, like, I don't, I actually do not know what's best for myself. If I did, I would not have ended up here, you know what I mean? And like, it was so hard, but I had a lot of experiences, humbling experiences, more like, the big thing was, I met up with a woman, well, I texted this guy from my high school, who was sober, and I was trying to flirt with him.
And I was like, Oh, my God, I'm sober, too. Let's hang out. And he was like, Sure, here's this woman's number, which was really annoying and inconvenient. And so I followed anyways, I got her number, and I messaged her and we met up and I was like, she was like, Why are you here? And I told her my sob story. And she's like, Okay, she's like, you're on paper. Cool. Like, why are you here, though? Like, do you hate yourself?
Do you want to be here? And for the first time ever, I was really honest with her because for the first 30 days, I like did not think I was an alcoholic. I did not want to be an AA. I was here because I had to be. I was trying to not go to jail. And so we read the bedevilments together, and she asked me if I related to any of them. And they're on page 52. And I said, Well, some of them she's like, which ones do you not?
And I said, Well, make a living. I have a job. She's like, that's not what that means. And like, she was right. I was like, you know, like, 40 grand in debt, I had learned you can take out credit cards and loans to pay for not your bills. You know, I was upside down on my car, like, it was just like, I was looking at getting evicted from my apartment, like all these things. And then I was like, well, personal relationships, like I have those and she's like, drinking buddies don't count as friends.
And I was like, I don't have any friends, I think, um, you know, because all we did was drink, you know, play Monopoly, drink, go out, drink, stay at home, drink, you know, and like, I didn't have anything in common with these people outside of getting drunk. And so, um, she said two things. She said, it says in the book, you could do more research, or I would recommend you work the steps. And so I remember leaving that meeting and going and calling my sponsor, and she didn't answer.
And so I called another woman because they say you should do that. And I did. And I told her, I said, This woman said I should drink. And that's not what she said. But that's what I heard. Um, and, and I told this woman on the phone, I was like, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. You're all the reasons I'm not an alcoholic. You know, there were moments of time where I didn't drink. She said, Well, that doesn't make you an alcoholic.
And she read in the book where it says we can take periods without drinking. You know, whatever excuse I had, she would combat it with just the literature in the book, not her opinion, not anything else, but just the literature in the book. And she said, two things that really stuck out to me. She said, You don't do damage to your major organs by drinking a little. And I was like, What? And then the second thing was, normal people don't question whether or not they're alcoholic, they just stop drinking.
And that was mind blowing. And I realized in that moment that I am insane, because the voice in my head is the one constantly trying to tell me that I'm okay, that I got this, and I can drink again, you know, if I can't trust myself, who can I? So I called my sponsor, and we got more into the work and I started working on my relationship with the higher power. Again, I grew up religious. And that was really hard, because I was given this, this God that I didn't really necessarily understand or believe, like, you know, my mom liked him, that's cool.
I didn't, he hadn't really done a lot for me other than what I believe was caused me pain. You know, and so my sponsor had me write down five characteristics of a best friend. And so I did. And she's like, pray to that. And I was like, Okay, God, if you exist, I want money. And nothing happened. And I was like, God isn't real. And then I went to a meeting that night, and I was chairing the meeting and the guy who's sharing the meeting with me turned to me and said, Hey, I know someone who's looking for a person to clean their offices on the weekend, they pay 50 bucks, are you open to it?
You know, all in the same day. And I realized in that moment that like, I can pray all I want, but if I don't take action after the prayer, nothing's going to happen. And I'm a big believer, because it says a lot in our book, we take action. You know, the number of times I've said a foxhole prayer and nothing has happened, but the second I pray for someone, and then I'm of service and outside of myself, like anything can happen.
It says in the, I quote this all the time, but it says, you know, if sex be troublesome, we throw ourselves more into helping others, and I can replace sex with literally anything heartbreak, finances, friends, work, whatever, as long as I am of service to others, and I'm outside of myself, God will always take care of me. Even if I don't, even if I'm miserable, God will always take care of me. It's just how willing am I to believe and to rely on a power greater than myself.
You know, it says in the agnostics that we are either the Alpha or the Omega, right? Like rather vain of us, wasn't it? And that was me. Like, I used to think all the time, like, oh, you guys don't understand, but just like the Wright Brothers, telling the Wright Brothers they couldn't fly, I was miserable, and everyone else in the rooms about Gawks Anonymous was happy, joyous, and free. So I start this relationship with my higher power, I do my fourth step, it sucks, but I got through it, and I was like, oh, awesome, and then, you know, your sponsor turns around
[00:25:01]
and is like, now you get to make amends with them, and I think the ninth is a lot scarier than the fourth after you get through it, and I started all that, and then I discovered young people in my area, my home group was the majority of the folks who went were older, which is awesome, but at 22 years old, it's a little hard to like, find your people, when everyone goes to bed at 9pm, you know, and so I was, this treatment van pulled up, and the tech who worked there, she was a young woman, and I was like, so desperate for friends, I was like, oh my gosh, be my friend, and she invited me to this young person's meeting, and it was the last meeting they were ever having, but I just remember people yelling about EPAW, EPAW, EPAW, and I was like, what the, what is that?
And they would say it, and I'm like, annoying, you know what I mean, stop talking. And then like, one day, I like, I don't know what, I definitely think it was a God moment, I just like, showed up to a meeting one day, by myself, I just like, was, it was terrifying, I was scared, it was like, you know, trying to find your place in middle school at the lunch table, but I went, because I was told if I want to stay sober, I have to, I had to get out of myself, and so I went, and then in 2017, I went to, October 2017, I went to Texapaw, I had like, six months sober, maybe, I had like, you know, three hours of sleep and 12 Red Bulls, and I was at the, I was like, we were bidding for it, and the next thing you know, we won.
And then we were hosting a conference, and like, one thing about that I will always respect young people in Alcoholics Anonymous was, is they've taught me how to grow up, they've taught me what it's like to be of service, they've taught me not to get in a fight in a business meeting. You know what I mean? Like, whatever, like, I have grown up in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have done it within a young person setting, because they allow me the grace and the dignity of going through just the growing pains.
And because of the skill set, like, I was entertainment chair, so like, you know, putting on events and like, connecting with vendors, like, that has helped me, like, set me up for the future outside of just Alcoholics Anonymous, which is crazy. We're going to fast forward a little bit 2018. I stay sober, it's cool. My job gives me an opportunity to move to Columbia, the country. And so I'm like, heck, yeah, let's do it.
I'll move. I'm, you know, I'm getting off of probation, which is another gift. I got probation, because they did not want to give that to me. I also traveled more on probation than I did before, because of YPOG conferences, which was awesome. But I got always getting off of probation, my lease was ending, like, every the stars were kind of aligning. And I remember calling my sponsor and being like, it just seems so obvious that I need to do this.
And she's like, absolutely do it. But you know, fair warning, you have to stay within all three sides of the triangle. And I was like, for sure. And she was like, you're going to call you have to call me and I was like, absolutely. And so I moved to Columbia, and I do none of what she suggested, because who listens to their sponsor. And so I get out to Columbia, and I do nothing. And I'm absolutely miserable.
I realized very early on, there are three sides of the triangle, recovery, unity and service. And I depended wholeheartedly on unity for all other things. I relied on unity for my recovery and for my service. And when you took away the meetings that I had gone to, and the people and the relationships I had developed, I had nothing. I realized very early on how much stock I put into them and how little I put into my God.
And so I get to this place and I'm not praying, you know, I'm praying foxhole prayers and begging God to keep me sober. And I just remember calling, I finally got desperate enough to call a woman and I was like, I don't know what to do. And she was like, sounds like you need to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so at this time in Bogota, Columbia, there was a lot of social unrest. And I just remember there being curfews and, you know, streets were on fire.
They really weren't happy with their political parties. And so I found a meeting. I had no idea if they spoke English, but I went anyways, because that's what you do. And I showed up and, you know, outside of this little meeting, it's so tiny, you know, it's such a small room. And there were like police cars all lined up two blocks down, there's a riot, like, it's pretty intense. And so I walked into this meeting and it's mostly men and I'm like, is this a men's meeting?
And they're like, I don't know, you know, they don't speak that much English either. But they're like, come sit, you know, the language of the heart is beautiful. And I'm sitting in this meeting and I'm listening to these people and, you know, their whole city is on fire. And all they're talking about is how they're just trying to stay sober one day. You know, all they're all they're worried about is how they can be of service to the next alcoholic.
And I realized in that meeting, like, because it was it was suggested to me. alcoholic so I could see what it looks like, and I realized in that meeting that I am the
[00:30:01]
desperate alcoholic, and if it wasn't for that meeting, and if it wasn't for the fact that Alcoholics Anonymous has translation of our book, I don't know that I would have ever found my people, and I don't know that I would have ever stayed sober. It reignited a fire in me. It was also suggested to me that I read The Language of the Heart, and there is a part of The Language of the Heart that says, suddenly I realized what the matter was, my basic flaw, oh, specifically in The Language of the Heart, emotional sobriety, the next frontier. So, suddenly I realized what the matter was, my basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like, failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications I'd fought for them, and when defeat came, so did my depression. And Bill goes on to say, plainly I could not avail myself of God's love until I was able to offer it back to him by loving others as he would have me, and I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies, for my dependency meant a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me. And I read the St. Francis Prayer, and I realized very quickly that I had been sitting, waiting, twiddling my thumbs, and waiting for God to give me a sign, when really all I needed to do was take action. You know, if I wasn't finding my people, or I wasn't finding recovery in the way that I needed to, I needed to get it, you know what I mean?
And so, I started to go to online meetings. There were very few at the time, and there was one particularly that I really liked, and I'd go every Tuesday, and then I started calling my sponsor regularly. The City of Austin was bidding for Icky Paw at the International Conference of Young People and Alcoholics Anonymous, and I joined. We were hybrid at the time, before the world shut down, and I was the Columbia chair, and I was the web chair, because I could do all of that where I was. We started another online meeting, because there needed to be another English-speaking meeting. It was called Spiritual Crosswalk, and there was an opportunity to do that.
February of 2020, there was an issue with my visa, so I had to come back to the States. And by March 2020, the whole world shut down. And our online meeting that started that January, that started with four people, ended up with over 150. And so, one of the craziest things, I think, is God putting me in a place to be of service to others, more so selfishly, because I needed it. But in the end, I was able to give myself to others in ways that I had never dreamed. I have friends today. I met my current sponsor at an online meeting, where she's been my sponsor for the last five years, and it was a beautiful thing. That meeting is no longer around, because some meetings… I mean, meetings have lifespans, and that one just needed to end, and that's okay. But the relationships I've built from that meeting will continue to live with me.
I found my sponsor. We started working the steps again. At three years, I decided… Well, at a year and a half, I decided I don't need to do 10-step. Everything's chill. Everything just rolls off my back. And then at three years, I was burning bridges and causing harm to the point where I had a friend who decided… I made amends to her, but really, I was just trying to save my ass. And at three years sober, she told me she didn't want anything to do with me and to never contact her again, which was so fun and cute. And so I started to get into the work again.
I saw this woman. She was being of service when the world was shut down. And I was like, that's what I need. And so I asked her to take me through the steps. And boy, is it hard to do a four-step the second time. Because the first time, I can blame alcohol. The second time, I have no one to blame but myself. Talk about emotional sobriety. I have to admit to my innermost self and break my ego down that I have done not the greatest things in sobriety, regardless of whether alcohol is involved. I've stolen money. I've lied, cheated, all those things in sobriety.
And one of my favorite things about Alcoholics Anonymous is I have an opportunity to do something about it. And I can have a spiritual experience. And as a result of that, be a different person. And so thankfully, I worked through that. And the big catalyst for me was the six and seven. I had never done a thorough six and seven. And my sponsor had me carry around a notebook with a list of all of my character defects. And I had to carry it around with me every day. And anytime one of those character defects popped up, I got to write it down where I was and what happened. And I was like, I'm going to ace this. I don't have like, I just did a fifth step. I don't have that many character defects anymore. I'm basically cured. And then little do I know, I have so many and they pop up all the time. But little things, it was like crazy. And it was such a humbling experience because like, I can't remove those God can, but I have to fully rely on my
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higher power in order to do so. And it's so funny how quickly I'll take my will back, especially in times where my character defects pop up. I started doing a 10-step regularly. I made amends. I made amends again. And my family thought I relapsed, which was really funny. But I got to make thorough amends for the things that I had even done in sobriety. The biggest amends that I've had to make thus far is my dad remarried. My parents are happily divorced and married to other people, which is so great. I love that for them. And my dad remarried and they had been trying to have a baby. And I have a lot of fears around that. My dad wasn't around growing up and I was scared that he was going to replace me. And so I would pray all the time that it wouldn't work for them. I'd pray all the time. I was like, God, please don't let them have a family.
And then one day last year during Easter weekend, my dad surprised us by announcing their pregnancy. And I almost lost it. I kept my cool, my calm. And I went to a meeting and I cried to a bunch of random people about how my dad was replacing me. And I remember calling my sponsor about it. And she was like, wow, seems like a good opportunity to make amends. And I was like, oh, is it? That's crazy. What a horrible time. I don't want to do that. And so I prayed for the willingness and I texted my dad and I said, we need to go to therapy. And he said, what if we just had a conversation first? And my sponsor was like, oh, what a great time to make your amends.
And so I finally asked my dad to sit down. And for a long time, I believe in therapy. I think therapy is great. I think anything, 12 steps are amazing. There are a lot of things that are talked about and Bill talks about as well. A lot of tools we can use alongside Alcoholics Anonymous to grow spiritually and mentally. And so my dad obviously is a big topic in a lot of my therapy sessions. And I remember my therapist telling me, give your dad an opportunity to change. And I'd be like, no, he's never going to change. He'll never be different. And I remember I gave him an opportunity once and he didn't show up the way I thought he was. I was like, ah, see, I'm right.
So therefore he'll never change. And so I meet my dad at his house and we sit and we're talking and I make amends and I tell him exactly where I'm at. And we have, I clean my side of the street. And in doing so, the thing that I had held against him for so long, he admitted he had been holding against himself. And he had let me know that they had been trying IVF for five years. And this was the last time they were going to do it. And this was the first time it ever took.
And who am I to say that is, if not anything, the biggest God moment. The fact that this is the last time they were ever going to do it. And it happened to be my brother. And so Colton Ames-Smith was born September 25th of this year. And he is the cutest little guy ever. He was born a little premature. So his ears, they're totally fine. But my dad's wife is like, they're like a little connected right here. And I can't wait to bully him about it. Because I'm his older sister. And I get to show up for my brother today. And one of the greatest things that come out of that is like, today I have the best relationship with my dad. He's the first person I call when anything happens. And he is my number one supporter. And he is one of my best friends. Anytime something happens in my life, he's the first person I want to call.
And if you had asked me even two years ago, if that was going to happen, I would have told you never in a million years. And I think that's the power of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because not only did my higher power give me the strength to make that amends, my higher power also gave me the ability to see from my dad's perspective. And I don't think all relationships will be amended in that way. But as long as I'm willing, God will always show up and take care of me.
And that is my experience. Last thing I'll touch on is financial insecurity. I have a lot of fear around finances. It's one of my biggest things. It's why I steal money. I don't do it anymore. It's been a long time since I've stolen money. Don't worry. But it's ruined my life. February last year, I got fired because I was genuinely just a bad employee. It was the first time I got fired in sobriety. And I was freaking out. I just bought a house the year before.
I had a mortgage. I had no money saved. And I was absolutely panicking. And my whole identity was wrapped up in the fact that I was an employee. My whole identity was around being the best employee. And my job was my identity. And when that was ripped out of my way, I had nothing. And so I was put in a position to be of service. I got to travel all around West Texas and invite them to the International Conference of Young People and Alcoholics Anonymous,
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which was awesome. My sponsor reminded me several times of me spiraling and calling her and telling her I need to sell my car, that the only employer I have today is God. And God gifts me with sobriety. That is my paycheck. And as long as I show up and do my higher powers work, and the next right thing, I will always be taken care of. And that is exactly what happened. I found a job. It was a third of what I made before. And I was too proud to take it. But I did anyways, because I was desperate. And turns out, I love it. Ironically, I never wanted to be in what I do now. And it is my favorite job. It is so fun. And I love what I do. I get to, funny enough, help people buy houses. And that is just one of the biggest gifts.
Because I relied on my higher power and I utilize tools, I got to keep my house. And I have two beautiful dogs. And I don't know, God has always, always, never not shown up for me. And even if I don't get what I think I need, or think I want, I always receive what I need. And sometimes when I pray, I get exactly the answer that I want, but it never looks the way that I want it to. You know what I mean? And so I am so grateful for the life that Alcoholics Anonymous has given me. I'll admit this. After AlkiPaw, I had been questioning whether or not I wanted to stay in Alcoholics Anonymous. I had gotten to a point where I was struggling, because I don't know that I wanted to be here anymore. I had a relationship with my higher power, but I was just tired. And I didn't want to do it. To be honest, this is work. I have to work on myself all the time. I'm sick every day. And I don't want to do all the work all the time. And so I would… The cool part about Alcoholics Anonymous is as long as I'm honest, honesty being the first principle, God shows up. And so I'd go to my home group and I tell them every week how I did not want to be there and how I do not want to do AA.
And then I would fellowship afterwards, because that's what I do. I was honest with my sponsor, and we would continue to read and just talk through life and go through the book together. And the other day, I asked my… A couple weeks ago, I asked my higher power. I was like, God, if I'm meant to be here, give me a big fat sign. Please, I'm begging you. I just want a sign. And that day, my sponsee texted me. She said, I really need to meet with you. And I was like, oh my God, she's dumping me. This is it. I made it all about me. And we met and she got honest for the first time. She'd been carrying this really, really big lie, and it had been taking up so much of her life. She felt she could not carry it any longer. And because of Alcoholics Anonymous, she knew that she would be okay, that she had a higher power that she could rely on, and a group of women who loved her. And again, I don't know about you, but that seems like God's one of the biggest signs. And I cried that day because even if it's… Even if I don't feel it, I can see it through others. I know this program works, even if I can't see it for myself within myself. And today, I'm so grateful to be a part of a fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I'm going to keep showing up and doing the things that I do because the women who came before me did exactly the same. And if I go through something, I know that they will too. And I am just so grateful to be sober today. So, I'm done. Thank you so much for joining us tonight where you never know what you're going to get. You'll just have to keep coming back. We surely hope to see you next Thursday. Our special guest is Brad Azz from West Palm Beach, Florida. If you like this meeting, please do as Bill Wilson always said, pass it on. You can help others right from your phone or computer and tell them about this special meeting. Everyone is invited to hang out with us afterwards in the meeting after the meeting, the porch. Mary, do you have any closing comments? And would you please lead us out with a prayer of your choice? Thank you for being here. And I hope I see you as we trudge the road of happy destiny. Prayer of my choice. Let's do the third step prayer. That seems fun. That's like a good one, right? Perfect. God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Believe me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them. May bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. Did I butcher that? I feel like I completely forgot how that went. Great. Okay. Yay, everybody's coming. Yay. Thank you, Mary.
That was awesome. Thank you, Mary. Thank you so much. Thank you guys for coming. Thank you so much. Thank you guys for having me. Yay, that was amazing.