Listen to Audio Recording

[00:00:01.400 – 00:00:02.900] Got to check, check that one back.

[00:00:02.900 – 00:00:04.659] Uh, I’m Mike Stevens.

[00:00:04.659 – 00:00:05.400] I’m an alcoholic.

[00:00:05.400 – 00:00:06.480] Hi.

[00:00:06.480 – 00:00:07.080] Hi, everybody.

[00:00:07.080 – 00:00:09.960] Uh, it is really great to be here.

[00:00:09.960 – 00:00:14.900] Uh, I mean that one side of me, and the other side says to run away, run away.

[00:00:14.900 – 00:00:25.320] Uh, I, uh– i-this is such a, a wonderful honor to, uh, to speak at, at the– in– at a state convention

[00:00:25.320 – 00:00:28.210] that– from the state that I, uh, got sober in.

[00:00:28.210 – 00:00:37.080] You know, um, the state of Maryland AA has given me so much more than I could ever give back.

[00:00:37.080 – 00:00:42.380] And, uh, uh, this is– I mean, just being asked to speak here is an honor.

[00:00:42.380 – 00:00:50.620] But the truth is that, uh, no matter what honor we get in, in Alcoholics Anonymous, the highest up we ever get is sober.

[00:00:50.620 – 00:01:00.680] And the greatest honor that any of us alcoholics are ever given is that grace from God that He gave us to get sober and to get

[00:01:00.680 – 00:01:02.020] to Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:01:02.020 – 00:01:07.940] And that– for Him to bless us with that, that is, to me, the greatest honor that’s happened in my life.

[00:01:07.940 – 00:01:17.990] And, uh, Alcoholics Anonymous, uh, hasn’t given me all the answers, but Alcoholics Anonymous has point-pointed to all the answers that, that

[00:01:17.990 – 00:01:19.199] I need.

[00:01:19.199 – 00:01:24.340] And, um, so I’m just very, very grateful this morning.

[00:01:24.340 – 00:01:28.240] Um, I spoke about grace.

[00:01:28.240 – 00:01:33.880] This– the theme, uh, of this conference is, uh, that spiritual life is not a theory.

[00:01:33.880 – 00:01:41.540] And, um, one of my favorite hymns, and take a little liberty, uh, here, one of my favorite hymns is Amazing Grace.

[00:01:41.540 – 00:01:54.180] And, um, the first line on, on that, uh, song is, “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.” And,

[00:01:54.180 – 00:02:03.300] uh, an obvious question from that– the first part of that– the first phrase is, what does grace sound like?

[00:02:03.300 – 00:02:05.880] What does grace sound like?

[00:02:05.880 – 00:02:11.560] To me, for, for an alcoholic, uh, grace sounds like one drunk’s love for another.

[00:02:11.560 – 00:02:15.700] Grace is the sound of a AA speaker.

[00:02:15.700 – 00:02:23.820] Grace is the sound of one drunk sponsoring another, sitting down and telling him, uh, about the fourth step.

[00:02:23.820 – 00:02:27.960] Grace is, uh, a workshop.

[00:02:27.960 – 00:02:29.520] We– all these things.

[00:02:29.520 – 00:02:33.420] We heard grace this weekend, I believe.

[00:02:33.420 – 00:02:37.959] Grace is a whole bunch of alcoholics and Al-Anons having fun.

[00:02:37.959 – 00:02:44.560] Grace is music and dancing, except for, uh, Who Let the Dog Out.

[00:02:44.560 – 00:02:53.820] May-maybe even that, you know.

[00:02:53.820 – 00:02:59.500] I, I had so much fun this weekend, and I just, I just thank the committee.

[00:02:59.500 – 00:03:03.320] Uh, I thank the committee and Derek and Kat, a-anybody.

[00:03:03.320 – 00:03:09.440] I– and I really thank all the people that worked so hard to make this, this c- uh, conference a success.

[00:03:09.440 – 00:03:12.440] And, uh, I better get started.

[00:03:12.440 – 00:03:17.420] Uh, if at any point you can’t hear me, um, just interrupt me.

[00:03:17.420 – 00:03:21.960] Uh, that does hit the reset button- -and, and I start all over.

[00:03:21.960 – 00:03:32.240] Uh, anyhow, um, my sobriety date is December

[00:03:32.240 – 00:03:33.960] the fifth, nineteen seventy-one.

[00:03:33.960 – 00:03:41.680] And, um, late nineteen seventy-one, I was living in the Washington, DC YMCA.

[00:03:41.680 – 00:03:51.760] I was, uh, drinking approximately a quart of, uh, hundred proof vodka a day, and then I was, uh, going out to bars

[00:03:51.760 – 00:03:54.700] to drink a few beers and be sociable.

[00:03:54.700 – 00:04:05.060] Uh, I wasn’t destined, or I wasn’t not destined in the work,

[00:04:05.060 – 00:04:08.340] but, uh, in one way of thinking, I wasn’t meant to end that way.

[00:04:08.340 – 00:04:10.520] I wasn’t meant to be that way.

[00:04:10.520 – 00:04:15.080] Um, I wasn’t raised to go there.

[00:04:15.080 – 00:04:17.760] I don’t believe that God created me to be there.

[00:04:17.760 – 00:04:22.420] But that’s where I– my drinking took me.

[00:04:22.420 – 00:04:25.080] That was where alcoholism took me.

[00:04:25.080 – 00:04:31.310] Um, where I start off with, I was, uh, I’m one of nine kids.

[00:04:31.310 – 00:04:37.720] I’m the second oldest, the oldest boy of nine kids from, uh, a couple, Billy and Jean.

[00:04:37.720 – 00:04:41.080] Billy and Jean are now in our fellowship, praise God.

[00:04:41.080 – 00:04:46.920] And, um, they used to give us talks on moderation, you know.

[00:04:46.920 – 00:04:51.600] Nine- Di-didn’t sink in.

[00:04:51.600 – 00:05:01.160] Uh, anyhow, uh, uh, and, and we– I was raised on a small farm, and it was, it was a wonderful way to grow up.

[00:05:01.160 – 00:05:03.220] And my folks were, were good Christian folks.

[00:05:03.220 – 00:05:04.370] Well, they were very religious.

[00:05:04.370 – 00:05:09.600] And, um, it was great having all these brothers and sisters.

[00:05:09.600 – 00:05:19.600] And we had ponies and horses to ride, and we had a, a, a cow for milk and chickens for eggs, and a– I had a woods to, to build tree houses and tree forts in and, uh,

[00:05:19.600 – 00:05:20.719] fields to run in.

[00:05:20.719 – 00:05:28.220] And, uh, i-it was– you know, it– you shouldn’t have seen the ugliness that blossomed there.

[00:05:28.220 – 00:05:35.340] But what I didn’t know was happening in, uh, in my family was that alcoholism was coming into my family.

[00:05:35.340 – 00:05:39.190] Initially, it wasn’t mine, but alcoholism was coming in my family.

[00:05:39.190 – 00:05:49.240] And I got this overwhelming desire, uh, to, to people-please and to, to please the primary alcoholic

[00:05:49.240 – 00:05:50.460] in my life, my dad.

[00:05:50.460 – 00:05:53.840] Uh, they– my– like I said, my folks were very religious.

[00:05:53.840 – 00:06:03.848] And at fourteen years old, I think partly to people-please and partly because I had this, this, this thing that, uh, Clint talked about or One of the

[00:06:03.848 – 00:06:09.308] speakers talked about this, this seeking, th-this, this, this desire for more.

[00:06:09.308 – 00:06:14.068] I’ve– At fourteen years old, I went off to the, what they called the minor seminary.

[00:06:14.068 – 00:06:15.948] It was, uh, to study to be a priest.

[00:06:15.948 – 00:06:25.708] I remember, uh, you know, my wife talked about making major life decisions at fourteen, thinking you know enough at fourteen to make major life decisions, and I did, too.

[00:06:25.708 – 00:06:30.248] I mean, in the particular denomination I was in, that meant celibacy.

[00:06:30.248 – 00:06:34.128] That’s a pretty major decision at fourteen, you know?

[00:06:34.128 – 00:06:44.528] Uh, but anyhow, I remember walking, you know, having my little wool, uh, black wool jacket and my suitcase and walking in that seminary

[00:06:44.528 – 00:06:53.288] and, and at that point, things had gone wrong prior to that and– or not gone wrong, but I’d had these confusing feelings prior to that.

[00:06:53.288 – 00:07:03.628] Um, I mean, uh, I remember when I first stole from, from my parents and then lied about it and, and, uh, um,

[00:07:03.628 – 00:07:13.698] I, I remember, uh, feeling inferior, uh, physically and, and not being able to compete in sports and then, you know, and, and just being average with,

[00:07:13.698 – 00:07:15.488] with, uh, school and all that stuff.

[00:07:15.488 – 00:07:25.698] And there was, there were some things starting to build inside of me that were making me feel less than and, uh, and I, I went off to the seminary thinking,

[00:07:25.698 – 00:07:27.188] “This is magic.

[00:07:27.188 – 00:07:37.638] It’s gonna fix everything, and, um, and I’m gonna be a hero.” Uh, and, um, and also I, I had these, these good motivation,

[00:07:37.638 – 00:07:38.748] uh, good motivations.

[00:07:38.748 – 00:07:48.908] I, I, I really believed– I had learned enough about the world that I really believed that the world was, was worth, uh, saving,

[00:07:48.908 – 00:07:55.648] was worth sacrificing for, was worth working to make better, and I wanted to do that.

[00:07:55.648 – 00:07:58.787] I believed that it could be made better.

[00:07:58.787 – 00:08:00.388] I believed that I could be a part of that.

[00:08:00.388 – 00:08:01.528] I believed in me enough.

[00:08:01.528 – 00:08:11.548] Um, I had, I had dreams that somehow I would amount to something and that, that this world would be a better place, um, because of me

[00:08:11.548 – 00:08:12.787] and, and what I was doing.

[00:08:12.787 – 00:08:23.008] Um, but in spite of that, this, this sickness that had started on that farm kept growing and, um, when I was a s– uh, between

[00:08:23.008 – 00:08:33.098] my sophomore and junior year, um, I found the magic that would, would change my life, that would make these insides that

[00:08:33.098 – 00:08:37.228] were starting to go sour and dark come, come alive.

[00:08:37.228 – 00:08:40.448] Uh, I found somebody’s, uh, stash of beer in a stream.

[00:08:40.448 – 00:08:50.768] It was one of these streams probably about as wide as this platform and maybe, uh, six inches deep, and somebody had stuffed the big brown bottles of beer

[00:08:50.828 – 00:08:56.857] and long necks in the– Somebody interrupted me at a meeting the other day when I was describing these brown.

[00:08:56.857 – 00:09:06.988] He said, “Long necks.” I said, “Yes, sir, long necks.” Uh, but anyhow, my brother and I found this beer in some guy’s stash, and we drank it, and something

[00:09:06.988 – 00:09:13.928] happened to me that, that had never happened with all the novenas and masses and all the stuff.

[00:09:13.928 – 00:09:21.448] You know, I was going to church two, three times a day at that time in my life and, and nothing affected me the way that chemical did.

[00:09:21.448 – 00:09:31.508] I mean, that chemical just l-lit my fi– All of a sudden, I was good enough, and all of a sudden, my life was gonna be wonderful, and all

[00:09:31.508 – 00:09:35.948] of a sudden, um, things were all right.

[00:09:35.948 – 00:09:37.628] Mike was all right.

[00:09:37.628 – 00:09:43.718] And, and, um, that, that was a, a, a pivotal point in my life.

[00:09:43.718 – 00:09:53.828] Uh, it took me a year to– I– It also awakened another awareness, um, that, that shortly thereafter

[00:09:53.828 – 00:09:57.368] I had my, my first date, and all the date was…

[00:09:57.368 – 00:10:08.988] This is back in the sixties, the fifty, sixties when dates were a little less than they are now, and we just- We

[00:10:08.988 – 00:10:10.728] just walked around and held hands.

[00:10:10.728 – 00:10:17.128] But, but that, the, the feeling of that soft hand in mine, I said, “Celibacy?

[00:10:17.128 – 00:10:24.048] Whoa.” And, and I had to get out of the seminary both for that and the, uh…

[00:10:24.048 – 00:10:26.458] And, and you know what?

[00:10:26.458 – 00:10:27.388] Something else.

[00:10:27.388 – 00:10:32.128] In AA they say the desire for a drink does not always manifest itself.

[00:10:32.128 – 00:10:34.828] Now, I manifest itself as such.

[00:10:34.828 – 00:10:44.888] Well, I said I got out of seminary for, you know, to, to date, but what I did immediately was get a job

[00:10:44.888 – 00:10:50.048] and start, uh, so I had money to start drinking, and my drinking progressed.

[00:10:50.048 – 00:10:52.098] Just kept on progressing.

[00:10:52.098 – 00:11:00.148] And at first it was I went back to the farm to live with Mom and Dad and, uh, my eight brothers and sisters and, um…

[00:11:00.148 – 00:11:08.228] And at first it was like whenever I could on Saturdays, whenever I could get away from the farm.

[00:11:08.228 – 00:11:13.668] Then I started sneaking booze in and, and I started lying to my parents about the booze.

[00:11:13.668 – 00:11:22.828] And, um, um, drinking on a farm, I don’t know how many farm people we have here, but drinking on a farm is not always that exciting.

[00:11:22.828 – 00:11:28.308] So you kinda sometimes have to s-make your own excitement.

[00:11:28.308 – 00:11:36.708] Uh, one Friday night when the folks were, were out and, uh, and I was drinking, um, I had my beer.

[00:11:36.708 – 00:11:42.008] We had a dog, uh, named Darby and, um, it was a Irish Setter.

[00:11:42.008 – 00:11:45.288] And I was sitting there drinking my beer and I thought, “Well, this might be entertaining.

[00:11:45.288 – 00:11:54.238] I’m gonna give Darby a little bit of beer.” And I took down a saucer and I poured it out and, uh, Darby lapped up the beer and I– He– Two saucers full he drank.

[00:11:54.238 – 00:12:02.028] And then I watched Darby stagger around and then I started staggering around and then w-I thought we both went to bed.

[00:12:02.028 – 00:12:07.088] Uh, the next morning– Not together.

[00:12:07.088 – 00:12:13.760] It’s been that kind of weekend, you know?

[00:12:13.760 – 00:12:23.900] Um, but, um, but anyhow, the next morning I woke up and,

[00:12:23.900 – 00:12:33.900] um, usually my, my thing was I, I slept– I had a little room in the basement, and I would wake up, throw some clothes on real quick and run down, down behind the barn

[00:12:33.900 – 00:12:37.610] in case anything was gonna come up from the night before.

[00:12:37.610 – 00:12:45.840] And, um, I was behind the barn, and I was standing there not knowing what my stomach’s gonna do, and I looked over next to me and there’s Darby.

[00:12:45.840 – 00:12:48.400] He’s sitting there with a dead chicken tied around his neck.

[00:12:48.400 – 00:12:55.160] What Darby had done after he had gotten drunk is he had broken into the chicken coop and killed most of the chickens.

[00:12:55.160 – 00:13:00.880] And my dad had a way of, of, uh, breaking– What does this have to do with AA?

[00:13:00.880 – 00:13:01.880] I’ll get to that.

[00:13:01.880 – 00:13:06.880] Um, he, he had a way of, of breaking a chicken-killing dog.

[00:13:06.880 – 00:13:14.940] He just tied the dead chicken around the, the dog’s neck and left it on there for three or four days, and the dog would never wanna have anything more to do with chickens.

[00:13:14.940 – 00:13:20.340] And, uh, I was standing there looking at poor Darby and thinking that dead chicken should be around my neck.

[00:13:20.340 – 00:13:21.880] I’m the guilty party, you know?

[00:13:21.880 – 00:13:28.219] And, um, a couple of weeks later, I was, I was, uh, drinking on a farm.

[00:13:28.219 – 00:13:32.960] Nothing to do, and I got the saucer down and poured some beer out for Darby.

[00:13:32.960 – 00:13:34.820] Darby wouldn’t drink it.

[00:13:34.820 – 00:13:37.600] He learned his lesson.

[00:13:37.600 – 00:13:41.540] I, I drank for another eight years.

[00:13:41.540 – 00:13:48.760] And I came to AA, and AA said it doesn’t take brains to get sober, you know?

[00:13:48.760 – 00:13:50.340] Um.

[00:13:50.340 – 00:14:00.360] Anyhow, uh, I guess the

[00:14:00.360 – 00:14:10.520] next significant event in my drinking was that I, I continued to drink, and like I said, it progressed, and it was– went from the lesser amount to the greater amount, from

[00:14:10.520 – 00:14:18.400] less frequency to more frequent, and by the time I was, uh, twenty-three years old, I was drinking — maintenance drinking around the clock.

[00:14:18.400 – 00:14:26.040] Um, I, I had flunked out of school, wrecked cars, bunch of insignificant things, I said.

[00:14:26.040 – 00:14:34.540] And when you wreck a car when you’re drinking, uh, if you’re me, an alcoholic like me, it was that the tree was too close to the road.

[00:14:34.540 – 00:14:43.380] And, and if, uh, you flunked out of college, it was because the teachers didn’t appreciate my genius, you know?

[00:14:43.380 – 00:14:54.000] And, um, so anyhow, um, I was drinking — maintenance drinking, and at twenty-three I got called up for, uh, the draft board,

[00:14:54.000 – 00:14:58.020] uh, for the draft, uh, after flunking out of school one more time.

[00:14:58.020 – 00:15:04.820] And I hadn’t really had– through my own rationalization, hadn’t had– really had reason to look at my drinking.

[00:15:04.820 – 00:15:13.440] Um, and that morning, uh, I started going through withdrawal like I had never gone through before in my life.

[00:15:13.440 – 00:15:17.700] Um, I started shaking and quivering like crazy.

[00:15:17.700 – 00:15:21.160] My, my hands were flapping.

[00:15:21.160 – 00:15:27.840] Uh, when they tried to take an X-ray, I was shaking so bad they could hardly get a fix on my lungs on the inside.

[00:15:27.840 – 00:15:36.120] My blood pressure was, uh, one eighty something over a hundred and twenty, something like that, and, uh, twenty-three years old.

[00:15:36.120 – 00:15:39.039] And I had malnutrition.

[00:15:39.039 – 00:15:48.340] And here, here I am, you know, a farm boy, uh, you know, thinking I’m at the peak of my prime, and I can’t even get into the military.

[00:15:48.340 – 00:15:55.760] And, uh, I, uh, I felt extremely– that as I went through that withdrawal, they kept me overnight.

[00:15:55.760 – 00:16:02.220] And that night I, uh, experienced my, my first experience of DTs.

[00:16:02.220 – 00:16:05.540] And at twenty-three years old, they put me in this little barracks.

[00:16:05.540 – 00:16:07.060] This is a concrete building.

[00:16:07.060 – 00:16:14.600] And, um, I didn’t have — plenty in here, but I didn’t have a, a unplugged radio to get music from.

[00:16:14.600 – 00:16:17.220] It was the concrete blocks that were giving me my music.

[00:16:17.220 – 00:16:27.699] And, uh, I felt rats crawling across me, and I tried to grab one and cupped it in the sheet and was banging it against the end of the bed and realized I had my foot.

[00:16:27.699 – 00:16:37.960] And- I– And, uh, the next m– the next day, the psychiatrist, they asked me if I ever hallucinated,

[00:16:37.960 – 00:16:45.100] and I said, “Like, what do you mean?” And he said, “Well, like see pink elephants.” And I said, “No,” ’cause they hadn’t gotten that big yet, you know?

[00:16:45.100 – 00:16:55.160] And, uh, and that was my, um, m-mode of operation whenever somebody tried to help me, was that I would lie or,

[00:16:55.160 – 00:16:58.880] or deceive or whatever I could do to defend my right to drink.

[00:16:58.880 – 00:17:02.280] And, uh, my, my drinking was a solution.

[00:17:02.280 – 00:17:05.740] It might be a problem to you, but my drinking was a solution to me.

[00:17:05.740 – 00:17:11.280] And, but I went back home ashamed and, um, back to the farm again.

[00:17:11.280 – 00:17:16.280] And my folks, um, reluctantly took me in.

[00:17:16.280 – 00:17:17.880] They knew the shape I was in.

[00:17:17.880 – 00:17:28.120] And my dad told me, uh, there was a man in our, our area in Clarksville, Maryland, that, uh, had been– Merle

[00:17:28.120 – 00:17:28.800] was his name.

[00:17:28.800 – 00:17:31.160] Merle had been, uh, he, he died sober.

[00:17:31.160 – 00:17:35.040] But Merle had been, um, a, a heck of a drinker.

[00:17:35.040 – 00:17:42.399] He, like my father, had this moderation problem with kids and, uh, and, uh, had like eight or nine kids.

[00:17:42.399 – 00:17:52.550] And, and, and, uh, he would, um, he’d come over to our house drunk, and Dad would– Dad loved

[00:17:52.550 – 00:17:54.960] to work with alcoholics, even when he was drinking.

[00:17:54.960 – 00:18:04.810] And Dad would like take all us kids and Merle out to the, out to the field, and we’d throw the football around and run Merle around and, you know, get the adrenaline flowing, fill him up with coffee.

[00:18:04.810 – 00:18:06.260] Dad thought he was doing good.

[00:18:06.260 – 00:18:08.320] Then he’d send Merle home to Lee.

[00:18:08.320 – 00:18:09.240] Poor Lee.

[00:18:09.240 – 00:18:13.600] You know, he’s all wide awake drunk now instead of a, a sober drunk.

[00:18:13.600 – 00:18:14.830] Dad thought he was sobering him up.

[00:18:14.830 – 00:18:24.900] But anyhow, it was– Merle was just– I, I remember Merle being drunk and Merle getting sober in AA, and he went to some men in the community in a, a church and, uh,

[00:18:24.900 – 00:18:32.800] and told them that if anybody ever had a problem with drinking that he was available to, uh, to help, uh, if they wanted help.

[00:18:32.800 – 00:18:37.600] And my father informed me that I wanted help if I wanted to stay at his house.

[00:18:37.600 – 00:18:47.680] And so Merle came over– or I went over Merle’s house, and, um, Merle did a, a classic twelve-step call on me and, uh, just told

[00:18:47.680 – 00:18:51.980] me about himself, told me about what AA had done for him.

[00:18:51.980 – 00:18:57.640] And, uh, what little bit that I understood, some sunk in.

[00:18:57.640 – 00:19:03.220] And I guess, uh, well, I, I didn’t, I didn’t get what– I didn’t get hope.

[00:19:03.220 – 00:19:08.200] I– what I got was, um, maybe this will get them off my back.

[00:19:08.200 – 00:19:11.120] And so I decided to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:19:11.120 – 00:19:15.520] And I, I went to AA for about four months.

[00:19:15.520 – 00:19:23.870] Um, once I got my health back, I decided to– this, this shame that I’d had from flunking-

[00:19:24.035 – 00:19:28.935] After I physical, um, I knew I had to do something about that.

[00:19:28.935 – 00:19:36.415] I knew there w- there was something wrong inside of me, and the only thing I could identify was that I’m not performing well enough.

[00:19:36.415 – 00:19:36.914] I’m not…

[00:19:36.914 – 00:19:42.555] You know, I failed my, my family about being– becoming a priest.

[00:19:42.555 – 00:19:44.465] Now I can’t even get in the military.

[00:19:44.465 – 00:19:45.375] I gotta do something.

[00:19:45.375 – 00:19:55.394] So I, I joined the Marine Corps, um, after three months in AA, and, and some people later on told me that, uh, when I came back to AA, that there are easier

[00:19:55.395 – 00:19:58.175] ways to pick up a drink than, uh, a hitch with the Marines.

[00:19:58.175 – 00:20:02.695] The desire for a drink is not always manifested as such.

[00:20:02.695 – 00:20:12.895] And so anyhow, I– at the end of boot camp, I wanna remember this, uh, for the rest of my life, um, because it, it, it tells me of my powerless over–

[00:20:12.895 – 00:20:14.235] powerlessness over alcohol.

[00:20:14.235 – 00:20:21.495] Uh, I had months of sobriety, and at the end of boot camp, uh, we got served, um…

[00:20:21.495 – 00:20:29.555] We had a party, and I, I was able to have– My, my portion was two near beers, which is equivalent to one civilian beer.

[00:20:29.555 – 00:20:32.935] And I thought, “Gee, one civilian beer?

[00:20:32.935 – 00:20:34.255] I mean, this is camaraderie.

[00:20:34.255 – 00:20:36.615] This is, you know, esprit de corps.

[00:20:36.615 – 00:20:38.935] All these– What are they gonna think of me if I don’t drink my beer?

[00:20:38.935 – 00:20:41.095] I, I got– I mean, one beer, you know.

[00:20:41.095 – 00:20:41.755] Come on.

[00:20:41.755 – 00:20:51.835] I, I can handle one beer.” And, and what was in my mind, and I absolutely meant this and believed this with all my heart, was, “I’ll drink this one beer, and I’ll go

[00:20:51.835 – 00:21:01.835] back to Alcoholics Anonymous if it– at boot camp leave, and I’ll continue to stay sober.” And I drank that one– those two near beers, and I

[00:21:01.835 – 00:21:08.475] didn’t get a desire to stay sober for two and a half years, and that scares me to death even today.

[00:21:08.475 – 00:21:11.555] Uh, I know that I am powerless over alcohol.

[00:21:11.555 – 00:21:21.315] Even though I haven’t had a drink in, in twenty-eight years, the first drink gets me drunk, and, um, and I can’t afford to take that first drink.

[00:21:21.315 – 00:21:24.475] So what happened in the, uh…

[00:21:24.475 – 00:21:27.635] I had two and a half years in the Marine Corps.

[00:21:27.635 – 00:21:29.485] I, I, uh…

[00:21:29.485 – 00:21:31.835] Things happened.

[00:21:31.835 – 00:21:40.975] Things like getting on a bus to go to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina, and ending up in New Jersey.

[00:21:40.975 – 00:21:47.415] Um, I mean, a lot of things like that.

[00:21:47.415 – 00:21:57.055] Standing at, at, uh, attention with my rifle shaking because I’m, I’m withdrawing from booze and having a buck lieutenant laugh at me.

[00:21:57.055 – 00:22:00.475] Uh, things that I, I just, uh…

[00:22:00.475 – 00:22:02.715] Hanging in the red-light district.

[00:22:02.715 – 00:22:10.635] Um, gradually, I, I just lost the rest of, of any dignity, uh, any…

[00:22:10.635 – 00:22:20.675] Th-those dreams that I had, uh, when I went off to that seminary that, that most young people have, the dreams that this world is, is a decent place and that it’s worth

[00:22:20.675 – 00:22:24.755] working for and that I can make a difference, they were all gone.

[00:22:24.755 – 00:22:26.715] They were gone completely.

[00:22:26.715 – 00:22:28.095] Alcohol took them from me.

[00:22:28.095 – 00:22:33.715] And I no longer believed that my life was gonna amount to anything.

[00:22:33.715 – 00:22:35.635] Uh, I no longer believed…

[00:22:35.635 – 00:22:45.665] You know, this, this thing– A lot of us alcoholics have this thing of, um, let me get you before, uh, you get me, and

[00:22:45.665 – 00:22:47.795] I didn’t even care that much.

[00:22:47.795 – 00:22:53.935] I didn’t even care that much about the world because I knew that this was just a lousy place.

[00:22:53.935 – 00:23:04.035] Now, I, I remember when I was drinking, um, reading something a, a minister had asked an alcoholic, “Why do you drink?”

[00:23:04.035 – 00:23:07.735] And the alcoholic was, was right on, I think.

[00:23:07.735 – 00:23:17.215] He said, “To get to a better place.” My problem was I didn’t know how in here to live without alcohol.

[00:23:17.215 – 00:23:25.295] Alcohol made me living, me being alive okay just for a minute, even without the dreams, ’cause it’d numb me.

[00:23:25.295 – 00:23:26.795] It had gotten to the point where it’d numb me.

[00:23:26.795 – 00:23:37.155] Um, I finished that, uh, enlistment in the Marine Corps, and I ended up, uh, in a, uh, Washington, DC YMCA.

[00:23:37.155 – 00:23:44.435] And, um, I was too ashamed to go back home to, to Mom and Dad on the farm.

[00:23:44.435 – 00:23:54.565] Uh, and for some odd reason, uh, I don’t know why I did this, ’cause once I started drinking, once I cut loose, I had no intention

[00:23:54.565 – 00:23:57.255] of ever coming back to you people.

[00:23:57.255 – 00:24:00.135] Um, you all didn’t give up on me.

[00:24:00.135 – 00:24:06.815] Merle worked for a, a, a federal agent- agency.

[00:24:06.815 – 00:24:11.235] Uh, I was on a, a cruise with the, with the Navy, the Marines.

[00:24:11.235 – 00:24:13.135] Uh, I heard that the, uh…

[00:24:13.135 – 00:24:17.114] We worked together sometimes, the Navy and the Marines.

[00:24:17.114 – 00:24:21.505] The Navy’s part of the Marine Corps or something like that department.

[00:24:21.505 – 00:24:24.035] If there are any swabbies here.

[00:24:24.035 – 00:24:31.235] Um and, and I was on a cruise, and we were, we were parked in the harbor of, of Naples, Italy.

[00:24:31.235 – 00:24:41.235] And I had gone out to liberty– on liberty and, um, uh, gotten in trouble and

[00:24:41.235 – 00:24:47.045] gotten restricted to the ship, and I was there on the ship for, for quite a while, and, uh, we were doing some kind of work.

[00:24:47.045 – 00:24:54.315] I was, I was working in the office, and, uh, the first sergeant– The phone rang, and the first sergeant said, “Stevens, phone.” So I got on the phone.

[00:24:54.315 – 00:24:59.095] I said, “Corporal Stevens.” He says, uh, “Corporal Stevens?

[00:24:59.095 – 00:25:08.595] Is this Corporal Mike Stevens?” I said, “Yes.” He says, “This is Merle.” He’s sitting in, uh, in Laurel, Maryland.

[00:25:08.595 – 00:25:18.885] Somehow he found a way to make those connections and, and, and, and, and call me on board a sh- a naval vessel in

[00:25:18.885 – 00:25:20.215] the harbor of Naples, Italy.

[00:25:20.215 – 00:25:31.547] And, and Merle said, “Mike, there is an English-speaking AA meeting in Naples, Italy tonight.” And

[00:25:31.547 – 00:25:41.607] I said, “Oh, yeah?” He says, “I got, uh, some names and phone numbers for contacts.” And I said, “Well, sure, Merle, give them to me.” And I, you know, repeated them to him like

[00:25:41.607 – 00:25:42.907] I was really writing them down.

[00:25:42.907 – 00:25:46.447] I had no intention of, uh, of, of going to AA.

[00:25:46.447 – 00:25:51.667] But that impressed me that, that somebody from Alcoholics Anonymous would care enough.

[00:25:51.667 – 00:25:54.647] I didn’t, I didn’t reach out for help at that point.

[00:25:54.647 – 00:25:56.407] He reached out to me.

[00:25:56.407 – 00:25:58.247] He cared enough to reach out to me.

[00:25:58.247 – 00:26:08.407] And I remembered that in that room in, uh, the YMCA, and, um, and I stopped drinking and, um, moved briefly to a

[00:26:08.407 – 00:26:18.307] flea-black bag motel in Laurel, Maryland, one of those racetrack motels, and then called my folks and, and went back to the farm, and I called Merle.

[00:26:18.307 – 00:26:24.587] And, um, you know, twelve-step work is, um…

[00:26:24.587 – 00:26:27.547] working with others is, is an amazing thing.

[00:26:27.547 – 00:26:31.547] It’s, it’s such a, a fluid thing.

[00:26:31.547 – 00:26:36.507] You, you can’t really say, “This is the right way to twelve-step somebody.

[00:26:36.507 – 00:26:43.047] This is the right way to help somebody.” ‘Cause, ’cause this time– When I first came around, Merle took me around to meetings.

[00:26:43.047 – 00:26:52.847] This time, I called Merle, and Merle– and I said, “Merle, uh, I, I can’t make any promises, but I got this thing inside.

[00:26:52.847 – 00:26:59.867] I really wanna stay sober.” And Merle said, um, “Well, that’s great, Mike.” He says, “Tell you what.

[00:26:59.867 – 00:27:04.867] I’m going to a– I go to a meeting on this night, and I can pick you up.

[00:27:04.867 – 00:27:07.267] But I have, um…

[00:27:07.267 – 00:27:17.267] I still have eight kids at home, and I got a lot of family commitments, and I really suggest to you that you get to the under thirty-five group, and you start going to

[00:27:17.267 – 00:27:26.327] meetings, and, and you get phone numbers, and you go to a meeting every single night.” And Merle didn’t baby me.

[00:27:26.327 – 00:27:28.547] He kind of said, “Go get it.

[00:27:28.547 – 00:27:33.087] Prove, prove that you really want it this time.” And Merle knew I didn’t have a car.

[00:27:33.087 – 00:27:35.787] And in spite of that, I got to meetings.

[00:27:35.787 – 00:27:38.687] I went to meetings and, um, meeting every night.

[00:27:38.687 – 00:27:44.627] And, um, and people, uh, if I would get to the meeting, somebody would give me a ride home.

[00:27:44.627 – 00:27:50.127] And I was living out in the country, and yet, yet I was able to get to meetings every single night.

[00:27:50.127 – 00:27:55.927] And, uh, a day at a time, I started getting physically better.

[00:27:55.927 – 00:28:04.407] Um, I had a, a lot of, of, of really wonderful things happen to me early in sobriety.

[00:28:04.407 – 00:28:10.727] Um, one of the things, and I, I never wanna, um, forget this.

[00:28:10.727 – 00:28:20.827] Um, the first time I was in Alcoholics Anonymous, uh, a guy that I– I saw a whole lot of people who– I, I was this, this

[00:28:20.827 – 00:28:30.867] twenty-three-year-old kid that was kinda leaning towards being a hippie but was too–

[00:28:30.867 – 00:28:32.497] really, I ended up in the Marine Corps.

[00:28:32.497 – 00:28:36.327] But anyhow, I was, I was like- -con-confused.

[00:28:36.327 – 00:28:38.107] Is that– Yeah, that’s the word, confused.

[00:28:38.107 – 00:28:48.307] Uh, but I, um, I just had this, this rebellious attitude and this, this, uh, completely unrespectful attitude towards people in Alcoholics

[00:28:48.307 – 00:28:49.007] Anonymous.

[00:28:49.007 – 00:28:49.747] I wouldn’t show it.

[00:28:49.747 – 00:28:59.767] But I would, I would– somebody would say something in a meeting, and I would say, “Yeah, but…” And, and, uh, and then somebody would walk in

[00:28:59.767 – 00:29:01.427] dressed like this, and I’d say, “Yeah, there goes Mr.

[00:29:01.427 – 00:29:02.967] Straight,” in my own mind.

[00:29:02.967 – 00:29:03.907] I wouldn’t say it out loud.

[00:29:03.907 – 00:29:07.927] But I was– I had this attitude in, in Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:29:07.927 – 00:29:17.967] And, um, one of the guys that I had an attitude, uh, about, um, when I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous, I went to the Oakland Mills group,

[00:29:18.047 – 00:29:18.887] and he walked in.

[00:29:18.887 – 00:29:23.727] And he was one of these guys, back then, he came to meeting most of the time dressed like this.

[00:29:23.727 – 00:29:29.947] And, um, and, uh, when I came back, he wasn’t dressing like this anymore.

[00:29:29.947 – 00:29:35.727] He was mu-much more casual, and he was obviously not well.

[00:29:35.727 – 00:29:38.487] He was walking on, on two canes like this.

[00:29:38.487 – 00:29:48.527] And, um, he, um, he set, set down his cane

[00:29:48.527 – 00:29:56.866] and put his hand on my shoulder, and he said, “Mike, my wife and I prayed for you while you were out there.” Well, I didn’t even remember who he was.

[00:29:56.866 – 00:29:58.267] I didn’t even remember his name.

[00:29:58.267 – 00:30:03.647] He re– not only remembered my name but continued to pray for me while I was out there.

[00:30:03.647 – 00:30:13.647] And I thought– I still had this attitude about God and about things, and I said, “Well, I don’t believe in that prayer stuff, and, and I don’t believe in

[00:30:13.647 – 00:30:23.667] his God, but it was nice of him to remember me, uh, while I was there, while I was out.” And, um, I asked somebody after

[00:30:23.667 – 00:30:26.347] the meeting what was wrong with him, and he said, “He has malignant cancer.

[00:30:26.347 – 00:30:27.607] He’s being eaten alive.

[00:30:27.607 – 00:30:37.607] He’s coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous to try to give as much as he can before he dies.” And it just hit

[00:30:37.667 – 00:30:41.187] me that this guy, while I was, while I was dying, prayed for me.

[00:30:41.187 – 00:30:44.767] And I knew he was an alcoholic just like me.

[00:30:44.767 – 00:30:48.807] I knew– I mean, alcohol– alcoholics are selfish.

[00:30:48.807 – 00:30:50.487] We are selfish people.

[00:30:50.487 – 00:30:55.607] We learn to not be here in this, in this program, but by our own nature, we’re very selfish.

[00:30:55.607 – 00:31:02.627] And he gave of himself enough to pray for this drunk while, while I was out there.

[00:31:02.627 – 00:31:05.607] And it was like– I, I cried.

[00:31:05.607 – 00:31:09.487] I mean, I, I– It was the first time I cried in, in years and years and years.

[00:31:09.487 – 00:31:10.347] I just was…

[00:31:10.347 – 00:31:15.967] I thought all these people had died in the Roman coliseums, and lions had eaten them up, you know?

[00:31:15.967 – 00:31:21.107] And, um, and I, I saw Alcoholics Anonymous in him.

[00:31:21.107 – 00:31:24.887] Um, but I also had some, some, uh…

[00:31:24.887 – 00:31:31.067] I was twenty-six years old at this time, coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:31:31.067 – 00:31:41.367] Um, I, I went to the under thirty-five group, and, uh, I’m not gonna– I’m not- That was a wonderful group to me, and I’m not endorsing specialty

[00:31:41.367 – 00:31:45.027] groups like young people’s groups, and I’m not putting them down either.

[00:31:45.027 – 00:31:51.727] But one of the, the characteristics of, of, uh, of these groups was there was a lot of ego involved.

[00:31:51.727 – 00:31:55.267] We were a lot of like kind of showing off to each other and all that stuff.

[00:31:55.267 – 00:31:57.027] And, and I had the poor mes.

[00:31:57.027 – 00:32:00.787] Here, uh, Mike, you know, I, I don’t have any job.

[00:32:00.787 – 00:32:02.587] I have one set of civilian clothes.

[00:32:02.587 – 00:32:03.627] I don’t have a car.

[00:32:03.627 – 00:32:07.367] And here’s, you know, this guy, he’s married.

[00:32:07.367 – 00:32:17.387] He has this beautiful little gal looking adoringly up into his eyes, and he has a career job and a, and a– he has, he has a, a

[00:32:17.387 – 00:32:17.987] Volkswagen.

[00:32:17.987 – 00:32:20.067] You know, I’d love to have a Volkswagen.

[00:32:20.067 – 00:32:23.527] And, and kids.

[00:32:23.527 – 00:32:33.727] And I, I started getting gradually getting this, this attitude or this idea that I wanted what you had, except

[00:32:33.727 – 00:32:34.787] not spiritually.

[00:32:34.787 – 00:32:39.607] I, I wanted the little gal to looking adoringly up at me, you know?

[00:32:39.607 – 00:32:44.267] And I wanted the cars, and I wanted the clothes, and I wanted the career job.

[00:32:44.267 – 00:32:47.167] And I, I want, I want, I want.

[00:32:47.167 – 00:32:50.937] And I thought that if I got those things, I would be happy.

[00:32:50.937 – 00:33:00.977] And, um, I– if I heard in AA that happiness is an inside job, uh, I, I didn’t– it didn’t sink in ’cause I thought these

[00:33:00.977 – 00:33:04.317] outside things would make me happy and would make my life worthwhile.

[00:33:04.317 – 00:33:06.647] And I pursued getting them.

[00:33:06.647 – 00:33:13.467] I, I took a shot at the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, kind of like, uh, you know, if you– I didn’t join a fraternity.

[00:33:13.467 – 00:33:14.387] None of them would have me.

[00:33:14.387 – 00:33:19.367] But if you join a fraternity, you gotta do certain things, you know, to, to get in the fraternity.

[00:33:19.367 – 00:33:22.707] That’s what, you know, you do the twelve steps and so.

[00:33:22.707 – 00:33:24.977] And you get a sponsor, and that’s what I did.

[00:33:24.977 – 00:33:30.787] I got a sponsor ’cause my home group told me I couldn’t celebrate my anniversary, uh, unless I got one.

[00:33:30.787 – 00:33:36.427] And I took a shot at the fourth and fifth step, but I was kind of just very surface.

[00:33:36.427 – 00:33:46.867] And what I was really after was getting all these things and, um, started up my own company, uh, window cleaning and carpet cleaning, Clearview

[00:33:46.867 – 00:33:47.707] Service Company.

[00:33:47.707 – 00:33:48.867] Wonderful thing.

[00:33:48.867 – 00:33:53.167] It, it worked a lot of drunks, um, during the years that I had it.

[00:33:53.167 – 00:33:53.907] But, um…

[00:33:53.907 – 00:34:04.247] And bought a couple cars, bought a house, married a gal, first gal that would be romantically inclined

[00:34:04.247 – 00:34:04.627] with me.

[00:34:04.627 – 00:34:07.187] Try to be nice about it.

[00:34:07.187 – 00:34:13.907] Um And, and, uh, and she had a child.

[00:34:13.907 – 00:34:17.347] So here I am, like, uh, sober a year and a half.

[00:34:17.347 – 00:34:23.747] I’m married, got a kid, uh, got a company, got a car, and I’m about ready to buy a house.

[00:34:23.747 – 00:34:26.127] And, um, and I should be happy.

[00:34:26.127 – 00:34:27.767] And I was miserable.

[00:34:27.767 – 00:34:29.447] I was miserable.

[00:34:29.447 – 00:34:33.127] My higher power at, at that time was the group.

[00:34:33.127 – 00:34:41.527] Uh, in spite of that example from, from that, that, that guy praying for me, my higher power was, was the group.

[00:34:41.527 – 00:34:46.807] And, um, and I wasn’t happy.

[00:34:46.807 – 00:34:54.406] And I had this overwhelming sense, and, and I, I’m sure some of you all have had it, of guilt, of shame.

[00:34:54.406 – 00:34:57.127] I was ashamed I was an alcoholic.

[00:34:57.127 – 00:34:59.767] I was ashamed of my past.

[00:34:59.767 – 00:35:04.127] I had told somebody about my past, but I was ashamed of my past.

[00:35:04.127 – 00:35:12.307] Uh, I just had this overwhelming, uh, constant feeling of shame, guilt, and depression.

[00:35:12.307 – 00:35:19.567] And, um, you know, that’s a, a real happy, joyous kind of atmosphere to bring into a family.

[00:35:19.567 – 00:35:25.147] And surprise, surprise, my first, first wife came home one day and said, “I don’t love you anymore.

[00:35:25.147 – 00:35:33.807] I’m leaving you.” Uh, and, um, and I said something like, “Well, I don’t love you either, so good.” And I didn’t mean it.

[00:35:33.807 – 00:35:35.507] I didn’t mean it for a minute.

[00:35:35.507 – 00:35:37.907] She– I mean, I, I was destroyed.

[00:35:37.907 – 00:35:43.647] Uh, and, um, I don’t think I knew what love was at, at that time.

[00:35:43.647 – 00:35:46.527] I don’t think I had heard that love is giving, not taking.

[00:35:46.527 – 00:35:54.207] But, uh, anyhow, uh, I went through a, um, a depression at, at about three years of sobriety.

[00:35:54.207 – 00:35:56.446] I almost lost the company.

[00:35:56.446 – 00:36:02.327] Um, whole lot of– My life was falling apart in the middle of sobriety.

[00:36:02.327 – 00:36:07.847] And I’d go down the under thirty-five group, and I’d see these guys, these young guys, real cocky.

[00:36:07.847 – 00:36:10.107] “I don’t have a drink today.

[00:36:10.107 – 00:36:12.127] You keep, you know, don’t drink a day at a time.

[00:36:12.127 – 00:36:13.287] It gets better and better.

[00:36:13.287 – 00:36:17.047] And if you had a bad day, eat your heart out ’cause I had a good day,” you know?

[00:36:17.047 – 00:36:18.697] And I, “Argh!” You know?

[00:36:18.697 – 00:36:21.447] “My life’s falling apart.

[00:36:21.447 – 00:36:23.907] I’m dying here,” you know?

[00:36:23.907 – 00:36:33.107] And, um, and I, I went to my sponsor, and I, I told my sponsor, I said, “I’m, I’m thinking suicide here.

[00:36:33.107 – 00:36:38.787] I gotta do something.” And he said, “Well, Mike, you know, we have a, um, a thing in Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:36:38.787 – 00:36:43.417] AA is a fellowship, but we have something that the fellowship uses.

[00:36:43.417 – 00:36:45.727] It’s called a program of recovery.

[00:36:45.727 – 00:36:48.627] And it’s a way of life.

[00:36:48.627 – 00:37:00.147] And that if you work it as a way of life, it will change your life and change you.” And I, um, I

[00:37:00.147 – 00:37:01.337] started working the steps.

[00:37:01.337 – 00:37:11.007] Um, and I told my sponsor, “I guess, I guess that means I gotta go back down to the first step.” And he said, “Mike, an alcoholic never goes down to the first step.

[00:37:11.007 – 00:37:14.706] No matter how long he’s sober, the first step is always a step up.

[00:37:14.706 – 00:37:21.567] It’s, it’s always a step up for an alcoholic.” But remember that we are powerless over alcohol.

[00:37:21.567 – 00:37:26.187] That today, I am one drink away from a drunk.

[00:37:26.187 – 00:37:31.967] I am powerless over alcohol, and that I need God in my life to stay away from that drink today.

[00:37:31.967 – 00:37:37.107] And, uh, I started going through the, the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:37:37.107 – 00:37:47.427] Um, and, um, I was working the, uh, the steps like, uh, I was drowning, like I, I was in a lifeboat or I,

[00:37:47.427 – 00:37:48.157] I, I was dying.

[00:37:48.157 – 00:37:52.047] As I worked the steps as if my life depended on it.

[00:37:52.047 – 00:37:54.567] Guess what?

[00:37:54.567 – 00:37:55.187] It does.

[00:37:55.187 – 00:37:56.807] It does.

[00:37:56.807 – 00:38:06.827] And, um, so anyhow, um, my, my life was, uh, gradually getting better and, uh,

[00:38:06.827 – 00:38:10.807] I, I, uh, started taking the, uh…

[00:38:10.807 – 00:38:14.507] Well, some other things were going on in my life socially.

[00:38:14.507 – 00:38:18.767] Uh, my sponsor– I’d, I’d been separated, uh, like over a year.

[00:38:18.767 – 00:38:28.807] My, my sponsor and his wife thought it would be, uh, cute or clever to– for me to meet this, this gal

[00:38:28.807 – 00:38:33.587] who had been coming around, um, AA or coming around Al-Anon.

[00:38:33.587 – 00:38:37.567] And, uh, they, they introduced me to Joyce.

[00:38:37.567 – 00:38:47.637] Uh, the way we, we met, we went over to Stu and Nancy’s house, and, you know, I, I just, I knew I had to be cool and suave and, you know-

[00:38:48.820 – 00:38:55.830] And so I, um, kind of laid back a little bit and let my sponsor do all the talking.

[00:38:55.830 – 00:38:57.610] And then when she…

[00:38:57.610 – 00:38:58.890] All of a sudden, she’s gonna leave.

[00:38:58.890 – 00:39:02.890] She’s, she’s getting in her little car, and she’s, she’s leaving.

[00:39:02.890 – 00:39:10.750] So I figured I’ll just walk on out here, and it’s raining, knock on her door to get her phone number.

[00:39:10.750 – 00:39:15.780] And I said, “Can I get your, your phone number, please?” And as I lean over, I bopped my head- …

[00:39:15.780 – 00:39:18.829] dropped, dropped the, uh, the notebook in the, in the mud.

[00:39:18.829 – 00:39:21.230] And real cool and suave.

[00:39:21.230 – 00:39:23.100] You know, you know what I found out later?

[00:39:23.100 – 00:39:24.290] Later.

[00:39:24.290 – 00:39:26.010] Listen to this.

[00:39:26.010 – 00:39:36.030] I, you know, I, I had this, this, this bullcrap from in on the streets of how this macho man has to present

[00:39:36.030 – 00:39:37.710] himself to a lady.

[00:39:37.710 – 00:39:47.850] Do you know what the greatest asset I had when she, she took a l- a little inventory and put the positives and the negatives of, of a,

[00:39:47.850 – 00:39:48.850] of the guys she…

[00:39:48.850 – 00:39:51.150] She, she worked the program, of the guys she dated.

[00:39:51.150 – 00:39:52.850] You know what was number one on my list?

[00:39:52.850 – 00:39:55.790] I was sober in AA and had God in my life.

[00:39:55.790 – 00:39:58.790] We, you know, we don’t have to be phonies.

[00:39:58.790 – 00:40:04.090] We don’t have to be phonies in this world to succeed in life.

[00:40:04.090 – 00:40:07.910] Having somebody love you is success in life.

[00:40:07.910 – 00:40:10.610] And, and Joyce and I did fall in love.

[00:40:10.610 – 00:40:20.610] And Joyce, uh, while we were dating, uh, one time, she, uh, she was going through a spiritual renewal, too, in Al-Anon, and something had happened to

[00:40:20.610 – 00:40:20.710] her.

[00:40:20.710 – 00:40:21.350] I could tell.

[00:40:21.350 – 00:40:22.350] We, we went on a date.

[00:40:22.350 – 00:40:29.470] We were walking around this, this farming area and just chatting and talking, and I c- She was glowing.

[00:40:29.470 – 00:40:31.250] I could tell something had happened to her.

[00:40:31.250 – 00:40:32.950] She was glowing.

[00:40:32.950 – 00:40:34.170] And she shared with me.

[00:40:34.170 – 00:40:44.210] I said, “What’s, what’s going on with you, Joyce?” And she said, “Well, years ago, I had this man in my life,” and I welcomed him back like,

[00:40:44.210 – 00:40:51.930] “Oh, no.” She was talking about her higher power.

[00:40:51.930 – 00:40:53.080] Uh-huh.

[00:40:53.080 – 00:40:55.150] And she introduced me to her higher power.

[00:40:55.150 – 00:40:57.470] And I got mad at God.

[00:40:57.470 – 00:41:00.190] I, I was so angry at God.

[00:41:00.190 – 00:41:01.340] “What are you doing?

[00:41:01.340 – 00:41:03.450] I mean, she’s in Al-Anon two years.

[00:41:03.450 – 00:41:06.910] I’ve been in AA four, and you’re revealing yourself to her.

[00:41:06.910 – 00:41:07.290] I mean, you…

[00:41:07.290 – 00:41:14.210] God, what’s wrong with you?” Lack of power is our dilemma.

[00:41:14.210 – 00:41:22.890] The, and the, the, the, the problem is that when we lack that power, it i- it isn’t our own willpower.

[00:41:22.890 – 00:41:24.170] It isn’t our own intellect.

[00:41:24.170 – 00:41:30.510] It isn’t our own, uh, desires that, that give us that power.

[00:41:30.510 – 00:41:31.870] It’s surrender.

[00:41:31.870 – 00:41:35.990] And I finally said, “Lord, I surrender.

[00:41:35.990 – 00:41:37.850] I s- I no longer…

[00:41:37.850 – 00:41:39.990] I give up debating society.

[00:41:39.990 – 00:41:45.690] I no longer debate who you are, or what you are, or how you are gonna come in my life.

[00:41:45.690 – 00:41:49.790] I surrender, and I ask you to come into my life.” And he came in with power.

[00:41:49.790 – 00:41:59.990] And, uh, I, uh, I needed that before I could really work the fourth step because, uh, I had, I had, uh…

[00:41:59.990 – 00:42:04.050] was continuing to work the steps.

[00:42:04.050 – 00:42:09.350] And, um, sometimes the best way to illustrate stuff is a story.

[00:42:09.350 – 00:42:10.150] I love stories.

[00:42:10.150 – 00:42:20.630] And, um, I’ll tell a story about a, a couple of youngsters, uh, John and Sally, who went to, uh, their grandmom

[00:42:20.630 – 00:42:22.570] and granddad’s farm for the summer.

[00:42:22.570 – 00:42:25.850] And Johnny had just gotten a new slingshot.

[00:42:25.850 – 00:42:30.790] And first day he was there, Johnny went out in the woods and shooting the slingshot everywhere.

[00:42:30.790 – 00:42:32.390] Couldn’t hit anything.

[00:42:32.390 – 00:42:34.160] And got towards dinnertime.

[00:42:34.160 – 00:42:39.110] On his way in to dinner, he lets loose one more time with that slingshot.

[00:42:39.110 – 00:42:43.690] Whack, hits his, his grandmother’s favorite goose and kills it.

[00:42:43.690 – 00:42:52.410] Uh, throws the slingshot in his back pocket, runs, grabs the goose, runs behind the barn, and starts piling wood from the woodpile on top of it.

[00:42:52.410 – 00:42:56.970] And as he’s doing this, he looks over, and there’s little, his little sister, Sally, watching him.

[00:42:56.970 – 00:43:06.980] So they go on into dinner and have dinner with Grandmom and Granddad, and Grandmom says, uh, “Sally, can you help me with the dishes?” And Sally says,

[00:43:06.980 – 00:43:14.410] “Oh, Grandma, Johnny says he’d love to help.” So, so Johnny goes in and helps.

[00:43:14.410 – 00:43:24.600] And the next day, the next day, Grandpa says, um, “Sally and Johnny, would you like to come fishing with me today?” And they’re both, “Yeah,

[00:43:24.600 – 00:43:26.530] yeah, yeah.” And, and Grandma says, “Wait a minute.

[00:43:26.530 – 00:43:28.790] Uh, I really need some help with the housework, Sally.

[00:43:28.790 – 00:43:36.830] Can you stay and help me with the housework?” Sally says, “Johnny said he’d love to do that.” And Johnny does– She does this over and over again.

[00:43:36.830 – 00:43:39.200] Finally, Johnny has, like, had it.

[00:43:39.200 – 00:43:40.210] He can’t do it anymore.

[00:43:40.210 – 00:43:41.710] He knows what he has to do.

[00:43:41.710 – 00:43:45.850] He has to go to the one who can forgive him.

[00:43:45.850 – 00:43:56.130] And so he goes to Grandmom, and he says, “Grandmom, I shot your goose, and I killed it, and I hid it under the woodshed,

[00:43:56.130 – 00:44:00.470] uh, under the woodpile.” She says, “I know.

[00:44:00.470 – 00:44:03.170] I was watching you the whole time.

[00:44:03.170 – 00:44:05.030] I saw the whole thing.

[00:44:05.030 – 00:44:15.430] I was wondering how long you would let Sally make you a slave.” And

[00:44:15.430 – 00:44:20.190] to me, that illustrates what we need to do in this fourth, fourth step.

[00:44:20.190 – 00:44:22.680] We need to go to the one that can forgive us.

[00:44:22.680 – 00:44:30.370] The, the fourth step says, “Admitted to God.” We can’t, we can’t gloss over that.

[00:44:30.370 – 00:44:33.090] God saw the whole thing.

[00:44:33.090 – 00:44:43.870] He can forgive me, and I needed to go to Him and say, “This is what I, I was, Lord, and this is what I am, Lord, and

[00:44:43.870 – 00:44:52.050] I ask you to forgive me and come into my life anyhow.” So anyhow, um, I continued the steps.

[00:44:52.050 – 00:44:59.730] Uh, I, uh- Um, had some wonderful amends.

[00:44:59.730 – 00:45:04.710] It took me years to, to, uh, to make all the amends.

[00:45:04.710 – 00:45:13.040] Uh, real quick, um, my, um, I was a thief when I was, uh, drinking.

[00:45:13.040 – 00:45:22.290] I don’t know anybody can identify with that, but, uh, and, but I, I was not a, a good, uh, prosperous thief.

[00:45:22.290 – 00:45:29.710] I was one of these thieves that I would steal something, and then I would feel so guilty about it that I’d get rid of it.

[00:45:29.710 – 00:45:34.110] And I stole this electric typewriter one time, and then I, I gave it to my buddy.

[00:45:34.110 – 00:45:39.210] I don’t know why I even stole it, but I, I, I, no, no profit whatsoever from it.

[00:45:39.210 – 00:45:40.850] But that doesn’t matter.

[00:45:40.850 – 00:45:45.710] I owed an amends for that, and it was an electric typewriter back when electric typewriters were rare.

[00:45:45.710 – 00:45:50.850] It was an expensive item, and I was scared to death I was gonna go to jail over this thing.

[00:45:50.850 – 00:45:52.070] And so I wouldn’t make amends.

[00:45:52.070 – 00:46:02.530] I knew the company that I stole it from, and I wouldn’t make amends for it ’cause I thought if I go to them, they’re gonna say, “Mike, we’re, you know, we’re gonna write you up,” and,

[00:46:02.530 – 00:46:04.870] you know, police would come and haul me away.

[00:46:04.870 – 00:46:07.410] I finally– And I would go to people in AA.

[00:46:07.410 – 00:46:15.990] And it’s funny, if you, um, if you use other people other than your, a good sponsor, you’re gonna get all sorts of answers.

[00:46:15.990 – 00:46:18.490] And I would have people tell me, “Oh, don’t worry about it, Mike.

[00:46:18.490 – 00:46:19.430] It’s in the past.

[00:46:19.430 – 00:46:28.440] Don’t worry about it.” And, um, but it kept eating at me and eating at me, and I finally went to my sponsor, and my sponsor said, “Mike, make amends.

[00:46:28.440 – 00:46:38.670] Find out how much the typewriter cost and give the company the money.” So I found out how much it cost, and I added some interest to it,

[00:46:38.670 – 00:46:47.570] and I, I wrote a check, and I– then I wrote a letter to the company, and I said, “You don’t know how I…” You know, I was kinda hedging my bet a little bit.

[00:46:47.570 – 00:46:51.370] “You don’t know how I, I owe you this money, but I owe you this money.

[00:46:51.370 – 00:46:57.610] And, um, and I am in– working a way of life.

[00:46:57.610 – 00:47:07.650] I’m trying to straighten out my path, past, and I hope you accept this as amends for a past wrong.” And I got the nicest letter back, and it, it

[00:47:07.650 – 00:47:14.370] said, “Dear Mister,” and then they misspelled, they murdered my name with, with pluses and number, you know what I mean?

[00:47:14.370 – 00:47:15.150] They deliberately…

[00:47:15.150 – 00:47:23.050] It, it was like the guy knew my fear, and he, he, and he said, uh, a wonderful thing.

[00:47:23.050 – 00:47:33.110] He said, um, “You know, I’m sure that if you continue this way of life, and you continue and be diligent in this way of life and do all that it asks you, that

[00:47:33.110 – 00:47:43.110] your, your life is gonna be success.” And, um, there are– He– Another very, uh, uplifting thing he

[00:47:43.110 – 00:47:52.849] said was, “There are a lot of people in the business community that try to live this way.” And I went, “Whoa.” You know, this surprised me.

[00:47:52.849 – 00:48:00.210] I thought that everybody was a con, you know, conning, and that we AAs were the pinnacle of virtue in society.

[00:48:00.210 – 00:48:03.910] I mean, I did think that.

[00:48:03.910 – 00:48:13.920] Anyhow, um, I, I continued to, uh, work the steps, and my life, uh, my life just got better very, very gradually.

[00:48:13.920 – 00:48:16.550] I mean, we, Joyce and I were poor for so long.

[00:48:16.550 – 00:48:22.020] Um, my window cleaning, carpet cleaning company was, was not that, that successful.

[00:48:22.020 – 00:48:32.050] I remember one Christmas, we, uh, we had forty dollars to spend on Christmas presents for all four of us and anybody else that we wanted to buy gifts

[00:48:32.050 – 00:48:34.810] for, and that included getting wrapping paper.

[00:48:34.810 – 00:48:45.090] Uh, and yet, there was– We, we always had money for, uh, coffee pot going, and I was sponsoring people, and, and, and

[00:48:45.090 – 00:48:51.030] Michael and Randy had uncles in AA and, and uncles and aunts in AA and Al-Anon.

[00:48:51.030 – 00:49:01.130] And th-they learned, uh, a spiritual way of life by the way we were living and that we were, uh, our friends who would visit,

[00:49:01.130 – 00:49:03.650] uh, visiting showed.

[00:49:03.650 – 00:49:08.130] And it was just a, a– In spite of the being poor, it was so wonderful.

[00:49:08.130 – 00:49:11.170] Uh, uh, I just loved that so much.

[00:49:11.170 – 00:49:17.670] And, um, they– The, the boys came to a lot of my anniversaries.

[00:49:17.670 – 00:49:27.910] And, um, when Michael was, uh, an early teenager, he, uh, he told me, he said, “Dad,” you know,

[00:49:27.910 – 00:49:30.960] uh, he, he goes– went to church, goes to church a lot.

[00:49:30.960 – 00:49:40.970] And he said, “Dad, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m called into the ministry.” He says, “I’m called to, to, to serve God in a

[00:49:40.970 – 00:49:51.150] church.” And, um, he says, “I just wanna do for non-alcoholic folk or people not affected by alcoholism what you and Mom

[00:49:51.150 – 00:50:01.170] are doing for people who are affected by alcoholism.” And today, he’s in a seminary in Orlando, Florida, and his wife’s, uh, wife’s with him and a hundred

[00:50:01.170 – 00:50:02.790] percent supporting him.

[00:50:02.790 – 00:50:09.770] And this, this thing of sobriety, this, this spiritual life, it doesn’t just stop with us.

[00:50:09.770 – 00:50:18.230] It, it, like Dude said, it’s the, the waves of, of the pebble dropped in the water, and it, and it, and it goes out.

[00:50:18.230 – 00:50:25.570] And, um, and Randy is a, a, a HVAC mechanic, heating, ventilation, air conditioning mechanic.

[00:50:25.570 – 00:50:28.350] And, and I’m just so proud of him.

[00:50:28.350 – 00:50:32.790] He’s, he’s thirty-some years– Randy’s thirty-one years old.

[00:50:32.790 – 00:50:37.030] Randy– Joyce and I– Randy’s thirty-one.

[00:50:37.030 – 00:50:39.110] They’re our two boys.

[00:50:39.110 – 00:50:43.390] And Joyce and I will be married twenty-five years next year.

[00:50:43.390 – 00:50:46.790] And we didn’t sleep together for six years.

[00:50:46.790 – 00:50:49.510] That ain’t what I’m saying.

[00:50:49.510 – 00:50:52.070] I adopted– I, I’m playing here.

[00:50:52.070 – 00:50:52.970] I shouldn’t have done that.

[00:50:52.970 – 00:50:59.298] Uh, I, I, um- Randy, Joyce, Joyce was married before, too.

[00:50:59.298 – 00:51:04.458] And one, one day, um, I’m gonna tell this story and then start wrapping it up.

[00:51:04.458 – 00:51:06.458] One day, Randy came to me.

[00:51:06.458 – 00:51:10.668] Uh, he was, I guess, seven or eight years old, and he said…

[00:51:10.668 – 00:51:19.078] Uh, he always called me Dad ’cause his, his natural father had no child support, no visitation, just didn’t want anything to do with him.

[00:51:19.078 – 00:51:27.298] And, uh, he, uh, he said, “Dad, would you adopt me so I can have your last name?” And I, oh, I melted.

[00:51:27.298 – 00:51:35.218] I, I mean, here’s a guy, twenty-six years old, that’s laying up in the, in a Washington, DC YMCA thinking, “I’ll never have love.

[00:51:35.218 – 00:51:45.718] I’ll never be a father.” And then a few years later, this, this wonderful child is saying, “Dad, will you adopt me?” And, um, we

[00:51:45.718 – 00:51:46.438] didn’t have any money.

[00:51:46.438 – 00:51:48.398] I didn’t know how we were gonna do it.

[00:51:48.398 – 00:51:50.498] But it happened.

[00:51:50.498 – 00:52:00.538] Um, a, a detective got the papers signed, found his natural father and got the papers signed like that for nothing because he believed that

[00:52:00.538 – 00:52:04.138] Joyce and I were trying to do something decent, and he wanted to contribute to something decent.

[00:52:04.138 – 00:52:13.118] And a social worker who hated, uh, religious people and alcoholics approved me being Randy’s dad anyhow.

[00:52:13.118 – 00:52:21.138] You know, you can’t figure this stuff because it’s, it’s the power of God’s grace that makes these things happen.

[00:52:21.138 – 00:52:22.538] It isn’t us doing the work.

[00:52:22.538 – 00:52:30.738] But anyhow, uh, and Randy is, like I said, thirty-some, thirty-two years old, and, and, uh, he’s, he’s doing well.

[00:52:30.738 – 00:52:36.778] And we’re just so proud of them, and, um, life is, is, is really, really good.

[00:52:36.778 – 00:52:42.738] Uh, I wanna talk briefly about, um, the twelfth step.

[00:52:42.738 – 00:52:54.358] Um, when I was fairly new in Alcoholics Anonymous, not brand new, but, uh, uh, under a year, I went to my sponsor one time and I said, uh, “I

[00:52:54.358 – 00:53:00.478] am the oldest boy of these nine kids, and I am the family loser.

[00:53:00.478 – 00:53:02.238] I’m the black sheep.

[00:53:02.238 – 00:53:12.258] My older sister has her degree, and my o- next brother is a commercial airline pilot, and my other brother went to the Air Force Academy, and

[00:53:12.258 – 00:53:14.578] my other sister is a dental hygienist.

[00:53:14.578 – 00:53:23.578] Here I am, alcoholic loser window cleaner.” And he says, And I, I mean, and I meant every word of it.

[00:53:23.578 – 00:53:26.918] And that’s just the way I looked at myself back then.

[00:53:26.918 – 00:53:34.568] And, and, uh, my sponsor said, “Mike, you got something that none of your eight brothers and sisters have.” And I went, “Oh, what?

[00:53:34.568 – 00:53:44.398] What could that be?” He says, “You have sobriety, and you have an ability to help another alcoholic where no one else can help.

[00:53:44.398 – 00:53:53.158] Your, your brothers and sisters, as talented as they are, they do not have that ability to help another alcoholic get sober.

[00:53:53.158 – 00:54:03.278] You do by giving them a simple s- a hit of spiritual tools.” And it opened up a, a thing that, um, uh, probably has done more

[00:54:03.278 – 00:54:04.558] for my self-worth.

[00:54:04.558 – 00:54:07.838] Um, such an honor sponsoring Dirk.

[00:54:07.838 – 00:54:13.638] And it’s done more for my self-worth helping others and, and, and passing this program on.

[00:54:13.638 – 00:54:22.318] And I got two quick stories about, about the, uh, about the twelfth step, and, uh, then we’ll wrap this up.

[00:54:22.318 – 00:54:27.688] Um, it’s about– both stories are about the beach.

[00:54:27.688 – 00:54:33.718] One is called the Satisfied Lifeguards, and the other one is called the Star Thrower.

[00:54:33.718 – 00:54:43.768] Um, there was this point on, of land that jutted out into the ocean, and there was lots of, of jagged rocks and, and, uh, out on

[00:54:43.768 – 00:54:44.318] this point.

[00:54:44.318 – 00:54:53.518] And it was a place where many ships had wrecked and had, uh, lots of sailors had, had died, had, uh, drowned there.

[00:54:53.518 – 00:55:05.618] And but one time, one of the sailors that had been saved from a shipwreck there, uh, decided that he was going to dedicate the rest of his life to

[00:55:05.618 – 00:55:07.618] saving people at this point.

[00:55:07.618 – 00:55:11.558] And so he got some camping equipment and some supplies, and he went out to this point.

[00:55:11.558 – 00:55:17.298] It was very, um, rustic, uh, way off in the distance, not near anything.

[00:55:17.298 – 00:55:22.298] And, and he, he camped out there, and gradually, people started joining him.

[00:55:22.298 – 00:55:27.698] And, and more and more lifeguards joined him, and they saved lots of people.

[00:55:27.698 – 00:55:31.658] The, the ships would wreck, and he, they saved lots and lots of people.

[00:55:31.658 – 00:55:42.038] Somebody heard about this good work that this, this group of lifeguards living on this desolate beach were doing, and they decided to, to

[00:55:42.038 – 00:55:43.398] help them out, to bless them.

[00:55:43.398 – 00:55:47.818] And so they, he, they built them a, a wonderful dormitory.

[00:55:47.818 – 00:55:55.858] And this dormitory had, you know, a kitchen with cooks and T- cable TV and all the wonderful modern conveniences.

[00:55:55.858 – 00:56:06.058] And the lifeguards moved in, and they started eating the food and watching the TV, and they became very satisfied,

[00:56:06.058 – 00:56:12.058] and they didn’t go out to help the shipwreck people who were drowning, dying and drowning.

[00:56:12.058 – 00:56:14.518] They were satisfied lifeguards.

[00:56:14.518 – 00:56:21.357] Uh, the other story is about a guy who goes to the beach for a vacation.

[00:56:21.357 – 00:56:26.838] And he, um, walks on down the beach.

[00:56:26.838 – 00:56:28.358] It’s been a, there’s been a storm.

[00:56:28.358 – 00:56:35.578] And as he’s looking up and down the beach, he sees starfish all up and down the beach, literally tens of thousands of starfish.

[00:56:35.578 – 00:56:39.537] And further down the beach, he looks at, he sees this guy.

[00:56:39.537 – 00:56:41.158] He’s the only other person on the beach.

[00:56:41.158 – 00:56:44.118] He sees this guy, looks like he’s dancing, but the guy’s…

[00:56:44.118 – 00:56:52.038] And as he walks towards him, he realizes this guy is picking up a starfish and tossing it back in the ocean.

[00:56:52.038 – 00:57:02.078] So he walks up to the guy, and he says, “Hi, hi.” And he says, um, “What are you doing?” He says, “I’m tossing these starfish back, back in the ocean.” And he says,

[00:57:02.078 – 00:57:04.838] “Well, there’s tens of thousands of starfish.

[00:57:04.838 – 00:57:13.178] Do you think it matters?” And he goes, “It matters for this one.” And he tosses it in, and the starfish lives.

[00:57:13.178 – 00:57:22.338] Um, over twenty-eight years ago, I was washed up on the beach of alcoholism.

[00:57:22.338 – 00:57:24.638] I was dying.

[00:57:24.638 – 00:57:31.698] And a star thrower grabbed ahold of me, and he took me, and he said, “It matters for this one.

[00:57:31.698 – 00:57:33.818] I’m gonna give this one the program.

[00:57:33.818 – 00:57:36.758] I’m gonna take the time to explain the Big Book.

[00:57:36.758 – 00:57:40.518] I’m gonna take the time to, to tell him about the fourth step.

[00:57:40.518 – 00:57:42.338] I’m gonna tell him, ‘Don’t drink.

[00:57:42.338 – 00:57:54.058] Hang in there.’ I’m gonna shake his hand.” Several star throwers, they took this drunk, and they threw me back in the sea of spirituality that we call Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:57:54.058 – 00:57:55.118] And it saved my life.

[00:57:55.118 – 00:58:00.578] And I, I have promised to continue to do that, and, and I’ll never pay it back.

[00:58:00.578 – 00:58:07.078] And I just wanna ask you all, are you gonna be satisfied lifeguards or star throwers?

[00:58:07.078 – 00:58:08.798] Thank you very much.

← Back to Speaker Collection