[00:00:02.879 – 00:00:05.440] Um, and today’s a speaker meeting.

[00:00:05.440 – 00:00:10.199] Before we begin, and I asked Mike to introduce our speaker, Doug, tonight.

[00:00:10.199 – 00:00:13.000] Um, at the end of…

[00:00:13.000 – 00:00:18.199] after the meeting, we have two, A, birthdays that we’re going to acknowledge today.

[00:00:18.199 – 00:00:24.640] Uh, it’s Frank, and I think that’s why he had his car running, ’cause he didn’t wanna be seen.

[00:00:24.640 – 00:00:26.640] He wanted to bolt out of here real fast.

[00:00:26.640 – 00:00:28.359] So it’s Frank and Steve.

[00:00:28.359 – 00:00:33.520] So we’re going to sing and blow candles and eat cake after the meeting.

[00:00:33.520 – 00:00:38.700] And, um, everybody’s cellphones are off.

[00:00:38.700 – 00:00:40.759] I asked Mike to introduce our speaker tonight.

[00:00:40.759 – 00:00:42.539] Oh, me.

[00:00:42.539 – 00:00:44.780] Um, yeah, I’m Mike, and I’m an alcoholic.

[00:00:44.780 – 00:00:45.320] Hey, Mike.

[00:00:45.320 – 00:00:49.039] Um, only known Doug for a little while.

[00:00:49.039 – 00:00:50.679] Um, we’re driving home.

[00:00:50.679 – 00:00:52.539] I, I bring him to the meetings, and I bring him home.

[00:00:52.539 – 00:01:02.600] Um, and on the way home one night he says, “Uh, would you be my sponsor?” And I said, “No.” And he went,

[00:01:02.600 – 00:01:12.219] “What?” I said, “No.” “Well, be a sponsor.” I said, “I’ll be your friend.” Um, and the reason I don’t be anybody’s sponsor is I’m not very good at it.

[00:01:12.219 – 00:01:16.780] Um, and it’s an honest program.

[00:01:16.780 – 00:01:26.299] And I’m not very good at it because I get angry real fast at other people not doing what I tell them.

[00:01:26.299 – 00:01:29.099] But I’m sure none of you guys are like that.

[00:01:29.099 – 00:01:29.420] No.

[00:01:29.420 – 00:01:39.900] Um, so I, I found through, uh, trial, tribulation and, uh, a long enough time in the program to,

[00:01:39.900 – 00:01:42.879] uh, help people out.

[00:01:42.879 – 00:01:48.859] And at the same time, it’s very hard for me to ask people to help me out.

[00:01:48.859 – 00:01:51.959] Uh, so I get in a jam sometimes.

[00:01:51.959 – 00:01:56.040] My sobriety date is, um, the 3rd of January 1975.

[00:01:56.040 – 00:02:02.299] And you’d think by this time I’d know what the hell I was doing, but I’m an alcoholic.

[00:02:02.299 – 00:02:12.500] And, uh, sometimes I listen to my own shit, and I don’t know what I’m doing, and it’s bad for me, and I have to ask other people

[00:02:12.500 – 00:02:13.020] for help.

[00:02:13.020 – 00:02:16.639] Uh, well let’s get back to Doug because he’s not about me.

[00:02:16.639 – 00:02:20.259] He’s full of speech.

[00:02:20.259 – 00:02:22.280] He’s full of it.

[00:02:22.280 – 00:02:28.099] Doug, Doug’s been in the program a while, and he’s very easy to be friendly with, plus he laughs at my jokes.

[00:02:28.099 – 00:02:33.419] So he can come in my car anytime, uh, travel in, with my car anytime.

[00:02:33.419 – 00:02:37.889] Um, but, uh- Yeah.

[00:02:37.889 – 00:02:42.000] Something nice about him, yeah, yeah, he, he, he appreciates this program.

[00:02:42.000 – 00:02:43.580] He appreciates where he’s got.

[00:02:43.580 – 00:02:54.439] And, uh, he has a good message at discussion meetings, and I’d like to hear a bit about him too, so Doug.

[00:02:54.439 – 00:02:55.180] Hey.

[00:02:55.180 – 00:03:04.860] My name is Doug Coleman, and I am an alcoholic.

[00:03:04.860 – 00:03:05.800] Hey, Doug.

[00:03:05.800 – 00:03:08.639] Uh, yeah, a little pause there.

[00:03:08.639 – 00:03:18.639] Um, my sobriety date is December 4th, 2004, I think, and I’ll tell you a little bit more about that

[00:03:18.639 – 00:03:19.319] a little bit later.

[00:03:19.319 – 00:03:30.099] Um, my home group is this one, and my

[00:03:30.099 – 00:03:36.280] message this evening is supposed to be full of experience, strength and hope.

[00:03:36.280 – 00:03:43.819] Um, but I’m an alcoholic.

[00:03:43.819 – 00:03:52.000] Um, so I like to tell stories.

[00:03:52.000 – 00:03:53.639] I’m a storyteller.

[00:03:53.639 – 00:03:55.479] I’m an alcoholic.

[00:03:55.479 – 00:03:57.560] I’m a fantastic storyteller.

[00:03:57.560 – 00:04:08.400] But I could tell you the story about the 12-year-old kid who

[00:04:08.400 – 00:04:18.279] wore a big metal brace on his right foot and a big brown leather boot and was starved for affection and attention and acceptance.

[00:04:18.279 – 00:04:19.699] I can tell you that story.

[00:04:19.699 – 00:04:30.399] I can tell you the story of the kid that grew out, grew up without a dad because

[00:04:30.399 – 00:04:40.540] his dad realized that he was born with cerebral palsy and, um, realized he wasn’t gonna raise

[00:04:40.540 – 00:04:41.740] Johnny Football Star.

[00:04:41.740 – 00:04:47.199] And I can tell you about the kid who always wondered why.

[00:04:47.199 – 00:04:51.839] Um, but I’m not gonna tell those stories.

[00:04:51.839 – 00:04:54.240] I’m gonna tell you my story.

[00:04:54.240 – 00:05:02.480] Um, my dad was a raving alcoholic.

[00:05:02.480 – 00:05:08.180] Um, my mother was the first of his seven wives.

[00:05:08.180 – 00:05:10.779] Oh.

[00:05:10.779 – 00:05:17.839] And I have a half-brother who lives in Manassas, Virginia, named Brian, that I haven’t talked to in 20 years.

[00:05:17.839 – 00:05:26.300] Um, he left us when I was almost two.

[00:05:26.300 – 00:05:36.339] And, uh, a lot of things that I’m gonna tell you this evening I’ve already shared

[00:05:36.339 – 00:05:39.459] in discussion meetings or 12 and 12s.

[00:05:39.459 – 00:05:47.720] Um, and that was a, a huge resentment in my life.

[00:05:47.720 – 00:05:56.220] Um, my mother tried to substitute different boyfriends, different, different men, but it never worked.

[00:05:56.220 – 00:06:04.899] Um, she remarried when I was 13 to a man that I absolutely hated because he was a big disciplinarian.

[00:06:04.899 – 00:06:14.668] Um- But let me digress back to first time I drank.

[00:06:14.668 – 00:06:25.208] Um, I bl– I think I was 12 or 13, and there’s an ad- there’s advantage

[00:06:25.208 – 00:06:28.487] to being the crippled kid in a small town, okay?

[00:06:28.487 – 00:06:35.528] Because nobody ever suspects the crippled kid of doing anything wrong.

[00:06:35.528 – 00:06:46.247] So one night, um, a bunch of us got together, well,

[00:06:46.247 – 00:06:52.927] three or four, and it was the, the town, the town, um, fair was going on.

[00:06:52.927 – 00:07:03.067] “Doug, why don’t you go steal us a beer?” “Well, how do I do that?” “Well, you take the beer, and you stick it down your pants, and you walk out of the store.”

[00:07:03.067 – 00:07:11.627] Um, so I did, and then I was cool.

[00:07:11.627 – 00:07:15.387] I was accepted, and every night of that…

[00:07:15.387 – 00:07:24.648] every night for a week, I stole a beer just to hang out with these three or four people that thought I was cool because I could steal beer.

[00:07:24.648 – 00:07:30.747] Um, I remember on the…

[00:07:30.747 – 00:07:33.528] It’s a very small town, less than a mile.

[00:07:33.528 – 00:07:35.307] It’s called Junior, West Virginia.

[00:07:35.307 – 00:07:40.487] Um, and it’s less than a mile from one end to the other.

[00:07:40.487 – 00:07:50.487] Um, and I can remember walking by the local convenience store, and this

[00:07:50.487 – 00:08:00.487] guy that I was with said, “You know, D- Doug, you’re so good at stealing beer, why don’t you steal some wine?” So I went in, and I stuck a bottle of

[00:08:00.487 – 00:08:10.507] White Grape Mad Dog down my pants, and I walked out of

[00:08:10.507 – 00:08:11.007] the store.

[00:08:11.007 – 00:08:22.307] And me and this guy walking from the convenience store to my great-grandmother’s house, me and this other guy drank that fifth, and

[00:08:22.307 – 00:08:24.987] that was wonderful.

[00:08:24.987 – 00:08:27.007] I was accepted.

[00:08:27.007 – 00:08:28.427] I was cool.

[00:08:28.427 – 00:08:33.868] Um, the next…

[00:08:33.868 – 00:08:38.967] Well, I was probably 14 when I first tasted bourbon.

[00:08:38.967 – 00:08:49.748] And I knew from that first, that first little bit that…

[00:08:49.748 – 00:08:55.567] See, I believe that alcoholics have a choice.

[00:08:55.567 – 00:09:01.388] Uh, I also believe that alcoholics make bad decisions.

[00:09:01.388 – 00:09:11.528] Um, the only difference between me, um, and any o- other alcoholic that ever drank

[00:09:11.528 – 00:09:16.748] anything is alcoholics make bad decisions.

[00:09:16.748 – 00:09:28.168] I kn- I knew when, when I took a drink of bourbon that I would progress for the next 20 years and

[00:09:28.168 – 00:09:30.327] have that love affair with that bourbon.

[00:09:30.327 – 00:09:31.388] I knew that.

[00:09:31.388 – 00:09:38.207] Um, I can remember…

[00:09:38.207 – 00:09:44.587] I’m trying not to spend a whole lot of time on my drink along if anybody can tell.

[00:09:44.587 – 00:09:52.388] I can remember, uh, the guy, my locker mate in high school, his dad brewed shine.

[00:09:52.388 – 00:10:03.028] Um, I can remember him bringing a quart jar of shine and sitting it in the top of the locker and us stealing every piece of fruit that we could find from the cafeteria

[00:10:03.028 – 00:10:05.008] to stick in that quart jar.

[00:10:05.008 – 00:10:14.908] In between classes, um, pop a cherry or a strawberry or slice a banana and go to class.

[00:10:14.908 – 00:10:21.868] Um, I was suspended twice in high school.

[00:10:21.868 – 00:10:27.528] Um, once because I vomited in class.

[00:10:27.528 – 00:10:35.827] And not because, not because I vomited, but because the vomit smelled like vodka.

[00:10:35.827 – 00:10:42.268] Um, and I got suspended once for crawling to class.

[00:10:42.268 – 00:10:52.268] Uh, which, which, um, which I later, uh, was arrested

[00:10:52.268 – 00:10:55.508] for, uh, crawling down Main Street.

[00:10:55.508 – 00:11:05.748] Um, and the judge at the time, um, in Beallington knew my family, knew who I was,

[00:11:05.748 – 00:11:13.288] and I spent the night in jail, and he charged me $15.

[00:11:13.288 – 00:11:23.908] And I’m like, “For drunk and disorderly what?” And he said, “For being ugly in public.” He

[00:11:23.908 – 00:11:26.927] charged, he charged me $15 for being ugly in public.

[00:11:26.927 – 00:11:31.788] And that’s the only time, that’s the only time that I was ever in jail.

[00:11:31.788 – 00:11:33.717] Oh.

[00:11:33.717 – 00:11:34.227] One night.

[00:11:34.227 – 00:11:46.707] Um, I got married and

[00:11:46.707 – 00:11:47.587] had two children.

[00:11:47.587 – 00:11:59.508] And my girlfriend/wife/ex-wife, um,

[00:11:59.508 – 00:12:06.988] had put up with an alcoholic father her whole life and did not tolerate me very well at all.

[00:12:06.988 – 00:12:15.916] Um- And I tried so hard, tried so hard for, for my kids.

[00:12:15.916 – 00:12:18.456] Didn’t know anything about AA.

[00:12:18.456 – 00:12:23.056] I tried so hard for my kids to not drink, but I’m an alcoholic.

[00:12:23.056 – 00:12:29.535] And left to my own devices, I cannot not drink.

[00:12:29.535 – 00:12:40.475] Um, so when my kids were eight and six, we

[00:12:40.475 – 00:12:48.035] got into a big argument and I said, “F you.

[00:12:48.035 – 00:12:49.696] I’ll go hurt me.

[00:12:49.696 – 00:12:59.816] Watch this.” Um, so I went to the local bar, and I was accepted at the bar, which

[00:12:59.816 – 00:13:01.735] is something I’d searched for my whole life.

[00:13:01.735 – 00:13:11.836] Um, as long as I was buying drinks, and as long as I was drinking, and I didn’t bother anybody, and I didn’t fight anybody, I was accepted.

[00:13:11.836 – 00:13:15.696] So I became a patron of that bar.

[00:13:15.696 – 00:13:25.515] Um, I’m gonna push forward to my bottom story, the night I hit bottom.

[00:13:25.515 – 00:13:29.235] Um, I worked for a nursing home.

[00:13:29.235 – 00:13:35.895] I was a certified nurse’s assistant, um, and a drunk.

[00:13:35.895 – 00:13:42.375] One of my better friends outside the program w- used to be a charge nurse of mine.

[00:13:42.375 – 00:13:52.875] Her name is Tammy, and she still has hanging in her house a picture of me in uniform,

[00:13:52.875 – 00:13:56.015] laying in a nursing home bed, clutching a bottle of Lord Calvert.

[00:13:56.015 – 00:13:57.115] Mm.

[00:13:57.115 – 00:13:59.416] She’d say, “Doug, go home.

[00:13:59.416 – 00:14:03.495] You’re drunk.” Because I go to the bar and I drink.

[00:14:03.495 – 00:14:09.596] I get home at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, and 5:30 it was time to go to work.

[00:14:09.596 – 00:14:17.375] Um, “Joyce will fire you if she catches you.” “I will tell her you are sick.

[00:14:17.375 – 00:14:20.115] Leave.” And I’d go.

[00:14:20.115 – 00:14:25.515] Um, it was on my birthday.

[00:14:25.515 – 00:14:27.955] Here’s where the two thou…

[00:14:27.955 – 00:14:30.596] or the December 4th, I think, comes in.

[00:14:30.596 – 00:14:34.875] It was on my birthday, which is tomorrow by the way.

[00:14:34.875 – 00:14:44.875] Um, November 11th, 2004, um, we got our

[00:14:44.875 – 00:14:49.556] Christmas club checks along with paycheck.

[00:14:49.556 – 00:14:52.716] And my Christmas…

[00:14:52.716 – 00:14:55.495] I was putting $50 a week in my Christmas club.

[00:14:55.495 – 00:15:00.015] So it came out to $1,093.47.

[00:15:00.015 – 00:15:02.855] Mm-hmm.

[00:15:02.855 – 00:15:12.855] Um, and before I walked across the parking lot to, to my apartment, because I drank myself out of

[00:15:12.855 – 00:15:20.676] a marriage, um, I walked down to the bank, cashed that check, walked back home.

[00:15:20.676 – 00:15:23.436] I don’t drive.

[00:15:23.436 – 00:15:31.044] I haven’t driven legally since I was 17 years old, uh, because I got-

[00:15:31.470 – 00:15:39.430] One night at a party and wrapped my ’87 Dodge Omni around a telephone pole right at the corner of the state police barracks in Elkins, West Virginia.

[00:15:39.430 – 00:15:44.750] Um, they weren’t happy with that either.

[00:15:44.750 – 00:15:54.750] Um, so I haven’t legally driven since I was 17, and thank God for that

[00:15:54.750 – 00:16:02.370] because I would’ve killed someone, killed myself, or both.

[00:16:02.370 – 00:16:04.170] Um, I’m just …

[00:16:04.170 – 00:16:05.430] I’m, I’m convinced.

[00:16:05.430 – 00:16:10.610] Um, but I cashed that check.

[00:16:10.610 – 00:16:20.750] So I had my paycheck cashed, um, my Christmas club check cashed, and so

[00:16:20.750 – 00:16:23.410] roughly $1,500 in my pocket.

[00:16:23.410 – 00:16:29.230] My kids came home from, to me from school till their mother got off work.

[00:16:29.230 – 00:16:32.110] We had a blast.

[00:16:32.110 – 00:16:33.370] We had pizza.

[00:16:33.370 – 00:16:35.070] We played video games.

[00:16:35.070 – 00:16:45.230] We watched movies until it was about quarter of seven, and, uh, it was ti-

[00:16:45.230 – 00:16:45.290] …

[00:16:45.290 – 00:16:46.290] It was a Wednesday night.

[00:16:46.290 – 00:16:54.130] It was time for me to get shit-showered and shaved because Wednesday nights was karaoke at the bar.

[00:16:54.130 – 00:17:04.150] Um, so I called the ex, the ex-wife, and I remember saying, “Sarah is bawling her head

[00:17:04.150 – 00:17:04.410] off.

[00:17:04.410 – 00:17:09.090] She wants to come home.” That was a lie.

[00:17:09.090 – 00:17:12.250] Sarah never said a …

[00:17:12.250 – 00:17:18.990] Sarah’s my daughter, by the way, um, and would’ve lived with me if her mother would let her.

[00:17:18.990 – 00:17:27.570] Um, and she never said a word, but I had to get them out of the house ’cause I had to get ready to go to the bar.

[00:17:27.570 – 00:17:37.950] So I walked to the bar, um, and ordered

[00:17:37.950 – 00:17:47.980] my usual, three shots and a draft, and there was, there was a tip board, and

[00:17:47.980 – 00:17:52.220] there was a liter of Jäger gift set on the tip board.

[00:17:52.220 – 00:17:54.830] Had these cool double shot glasses.

[00:17:54.830 – 00:17:58.630] They were frosted, had the stag on them.

[00:17:58.630 – 00:18:03.990] Um, and I said, “Missus,” because that’s what I called the, the bar …

[00:18:03.990 – 00:18:05.070] the lady that owned the bar.

[00:18:05.070 – 00:18:15.110] “Missus, how many tips are on that board?” “50.” “How many are left?” “42.” So I

[00:18:15.110 – 00:18:25.190] said, “Give me the rest of them.” So I, uh, purchased that Jäger gift

[00:18:25.190 – 00:18:31.950] set for $42, and I went to crack it open sitting at the bar.

[00:18:31.950 – 00:18:39.550] Lady said, “Doug, you can’t drink that in here.” “What the F do you mean I can’t drink that in here?

[00:18:39.550 – 00:18:43.710] It’s mine.” “Yeah, but I can’t make any money off of it.

[00:18:43.710 – 00:18:53.730] If you wanna drink it, drink it outside.” “Okay.” Was probably no more than 20 steps from my

[00:18:53.730 – 00:19:03.750] bar stool to the door, and in those 20 steps and out the front door

[00:19:03.750 – 00:19:06.150] I had chugged that liter of Jäger straight down.

[00:19:06.150 – 00:19:16.180] Um, I, I remember, I can remember throwing it in the, throwing it in the street, and

[00:19:16.180 – 00:19:24.010] it shattered everywhere, and I went back in the bar, and nobody bought another drink the rest of the night ’cause I paid for all of it.

[00:19:24.010 – 00:19:34.030] Um, so when I woke up in my

[00:19:34.030 – 00:19:37.640] front yard- …

[00:19:37.640 – 00:19:47.829] the next morning, I don’t really remember anything from the time I went back in the bar till I woke up in the yard, um, ’cause

[00:19:47.829 – 00:19:48.990] I’m a blackout drinker.

[00:19:48.990 – 00:19:59.000] Um, when I woke up in the front yard and went and laid down on my couch in my apartment, I called my mother ’cause I’m an only

[00:19:59.000 – 00:19:59.490] child.

[00:19:59.490 – 00:20:02.410] “Mom, I’m sick.

[00:20:02.410 – 00:20:09.570] Call me off work.” “Doug, I called you off work last night.

[00:20:09.570 – 00:20:17.310] I knew what you were gonna do with that money as soon as, as soon as you got it.

[00:20:17.310 – 00:20:29.570] I knew what you were gonna do.” And my mother and my family had always asked me my whole life since I was about 20,

[00:20:29.570 – 00:20:37.150] “Why can’t you just stop?” Put, put the plug …

[00:20:37.150 – 00:20:45.710] My papaw said, “Doug, put the plug in the jug and just leave it alone.” Um, and I’d always say, “I can’t.

[00:20:45.710 – 00:20:46.350] I can’t.

[00:20:46.350 – 00:20:53.570] I just can’t.” And they, “Why can’t you?” And I’d never have an answer for them, never ever.

[00:20:53.570 – 00:21:03.790] And the morning that I was talking to my mom she said, “Douglas,

[00:21:03.790 – 00:21:08.630] why can’t you quit?” And I said, “Mom, I can’t.

[00:21:08.630 – 00:21:11.670] I need help.

[00:21:11.670 – 00:21:17.530] I can’t do it by myself,” and I was bawling like a baby.

[00:21:17.530 – 00:21:24.810] And she said what any mother of an only child would say.

[00:21:24.810 – 00:21:27.650] “Baby, we, we’ll get you help.

[00:21:27.650 – 00:21:28.410] Don’t worry.

[00:21:28.410 – 00:21:38.534] Just don’t drink.” So the next day, I went to Appalachian Community Health Center in

[00:21:38.534 – 00:21:43.934] my town, which was the local nut ward.

[00:21:43.934 – 00:21:54.054] And I talked to a gentleman n- named Mike H., Mike Hartpool, he doesn’t

[00:21:54.054 – 00:21:58.574] care, uh, who at that time had about 11 years in the program.

[00:21:58.574 – 00:21:59.774] Didn’t know that.

[00:21:59.774 – 00:22:10.074] He recommended that I go to the Ap- the branch of Community Health in Buchanan and

[00:22:10.074 – 00:22:11.954] talk to a lady named Linda Mealy.

[00:22:11.954 – 00:22:15.154] Um, so I did.

[00:22:15.154 – 00:22:19.574] She had about 16 years in the program at the time.

[00:22:19.574 – 00:22:26.834] And she suggested that I go to detox.

[00:22:26.834 – 00:22:33.834] So I’m scared.

[00:22:33.834 – 00:22:39.894] I’ve said it before in meetings, fear got me here, fear and God.

[00:22:39.894 – 00:22:50.654] I’m scared because I know that if I go home, I’ll drink, and I know that

[00:22:50.654 – 00:22:54.914] if I go to detox, it’s a lockdown program, and I won’t drink.

[00:22:54.914 – 00:22:56.514] I can’t.

[00:22:56.514 – 00:22:57.594] They won’t let me.

[00:22:57.594 – 00:23:08.394] Um, so kicking and screaming, bawling and crying, I

[00:23:08.394 – 00:23:15.434] walked through the doors of Fairmont General Hospital, B2 Behavioral Medicine, lockdown.

[00:23:15.434 – 00:23:23.394] Um, and spent…

[00:23:23.394 – 00:23:30.854] It was supposed to be seven to 10 days to dry out.

[00:23:30.854 – 00:23:39.674] I spent 22 days in that building, um, because I sh- I had the shakes.

[00:23:39.674 – 00:23:48.054] Uh, I would have the shakes so bad every morning before I’d go to work that I’d hit a couple shots at 5:30 in the morning.

[00:23:48.054 – 00:23:56.254] Um, when I got the shaking so bad I couldn’t hold a shot glass, put it in a coffee cup.

[00:23:56.254 – 00:24:01.414] When I got the shaking so bad that I couldn’t hold a coffee cup, I used a straw.

[00:24:01.414 – 00:24:11.414] Um, so I had these shakes for about 15 of those 20 days, and it was

[00:24:11.414 – 00:24:11.714] rough.

[00:24:11.714 – 00:24:13.054] It was hard.

[00:24:13.054 – 00:24:23.634] Uh, every now and then, my good arm still shakes, and it just reminds me of

[00:24:23.634 – 00:24:25.294] what I could go back to at any time.

[00:24:25.294 – 00:24:35.334] Um, but they did an MRI when I was in detox, and

[00:24:35.334 – 00:24:45.454] the doctor told me, “Doug, if you never take another drink in your life, you might regain

[00:24:45.454 – 00:24:47.194] 60% of your liver function.

[00:24:47.194 – 00:24:58.634] Um, and your bladder’s messed up, too.” Um, so

[00:24:58.634 – 00:25:08.634] consequently, I go pee about every 30 minutes, um, because alcohol has destroyed

[00:25:08.634 – 00:25:09.734] my liver and my bladder.

[00:25:09.734 – 00:25:14.574] Um, so I spent 22 days in that detox.

[00:25:14.574 – 00:25:16.334] No drinking.

[00:25:16.334 – 00:25:17.974] Introduced to AA.

[00:25:17.974 – 00:25:19.274] My first big book…

[00:25:19.274 – 00:25:29.374] I ripped the first page out of my first big book, the, the very first page, because it said, “Property of Fairmont General Hospital.” I stole it.

[00:25:29.374 – 00:25:36.414] I s- I stole my first big book.

[00:25:36.414 – 00:25:46.374] Um, when it was time for me to leave after those 22 days, fear came right back.

[00:25:46.374 – 00:25:57.034] Fear came right back because I knew that, that even though I went to a meeting every night for 22 days, uh, which

[00:25:57.034 – 00:26:08.454] I went to with a bunch of people that were way worse off than me, um, I knew that if I, if, if I left

[00:26:08.454 – 00:26:09.694] there and went home, that I would drink.

[00:26:09.694 – 00:26:10.594] I knew that.

[00:26:10.594 – 00:26:17.494] So the counselor there suggested rehab.

[00:26:17.494 – 00:26:27.514] So I said, “Yes, rehab.” So I went to the ACT

[00:26:27.514 – 00:26:28.614] unit in Fairmont.

[00:26:28.614 – 00:26:35.254] Had terrific insurance because I had been a tenured employee at this nursing home.

[00:26:35.254 – 00:26:40.074] And I spent 28 days locked down again.

[00:26:40.074 – 00:26:41.573] Okay?

[00:26:41.573 – 00:26:46.714] And when we first got there, they said, “You will make your bed every day.

[00:26:46.714 – 00:26:48.234] You will sweep the floor.

[00:26:48.234 – 00:26:49.834] You will blah, blah, blah.

[00:26:49.834 – 00:26:52.214] You will go to six meetings a week.

[00:26:52.214 – 00:26:56.674] And when you go, you will be silent.

[00:26:56.674 – 00:27:04.344] You won’t say a word, and you, um, if it’s…

[00:27:04.344 – 00:27:08.654] You’re going to NA two days a week and AA four days a week.

[00:27:08.654 – 00:27:18.754] When you go to AA, you address yourself as, ‘My name is Doug, and I’m an alcoholic,’ and when you go to NA, you address yourself as, ‘My name is

[00:27:18.754 – 00:27:24.314] Doug, and I am a drug addict.'” Um, so we did.

[00:27:24.314 – 00:27:25.974] First meeting I ever went…

[00:27:25.974 – 00:27:34.434] The first real meeting, because the ones in detox didn’t count ’cause those people were way worse off than me.

[00:27:34.434 – 00:27:44.446] Uh, the first real meeting that I went to Was a Monday night men’s meeting at a halfway

[00:27:44.446 – 00:27:47.886] house, which is right across the parking lot from Fairmont General.

[00:27:47.886 – 00:27:51.386] Men’s meeting, 30 people.

[00:27:51.386 – 00:27:57.306] There’s 12 of us in the ACT unit, and it’s going down the line.

[00:27:57.306 – 00:28:01.686] My name is so-and-so, and I’m an alcoholic when the share goes around.

[00:28:01.686 – 00:28:06.126] My name is so-and-so, and I’m an alcoholic, and I pass.

[00:28:06.126 – 00:28:08.386] My name is so-and-so, and I’m an alcoholic.

[00:28:08.386 – 00:28:10.566] Grateful to be here, I pass.

[00:28:10.566 – 00:28:17.926] It got to me at the end of the line, and I said, “My name is Doug, my name is Doug, and I’m an alcoholic, and I think.

[00:28:17.926 – 00:28:21.106] I’ve been thinking.

[00:28:21.106 – 00:28:31.246] And I’ve been thinking why would I want to be like any of you miserable sons of bitches?”

[00:28:31.246 – 00:28:36.866] Now, these are old-timers, right?

[00:28:36.866 – 00:28:42.166] A lot of old-timers, uh, a few newbies, and us.

[00:28:42.166 – 00:28:49.606] And I just called 25 people sons of bitches, and nobody punched me.

[00:28:49.606 – 00:28:59.926] A couple people laughed, a lot of people smiled, and consequently, hindsight tells me that Ronald, Eugene,

[00:28:59.926 – 00:29:05.986] and little Danny are s- two of my best friends in this program, um, today.

[00:29:05.986 – 00:29:15.986] When it was time to leave the ACT unit a couple

[00:29:15.986 – 00:29:24.086] days before I was gonna be released, the counselor there suggested a halfway house because I was going nuts.

[00:29:24.086 – 00:29:26.626] What am I gonna do?

[00:29:26.626 – 00:29:27.486] Where am I gonna go?

[00:29:27.486 – 00:29:28.386] I can’t go home.

[00:29:28.386 – 00:29:33.246] Um, she suggested a halfway house.

[00:29:33.246 – 00:29:47.886] I said, “Yes, a halfway house.” Um, “What’s a halfway house?” And

[00:29:47.886 – 00:29:57.066] she proceeded to tell me that it was a place where you go to meetings, and you live, and you work on your sobriety.

[00:29:57.066 – 00:30:08.086] “Okay, fine.” She said, “I’ll have somebody down to interview you tomorrow.”

[00:30:08.086 – 00:30:18.406] So I was sitting in this little room, and in walks this little nerdy guy with glasses and balding on top, and in walks

[00:30:18.406 – 00:30:19.766] Santa Claus.

[00:30:19.766 – 00:30:22.126] I’m not kidding.

[00:30:22.126 – 00:30:24.886] I’m not kidding.

[00:30:24.886 – 00:30:27.666] Santa Claus with nine teeth.

[00:30:27.666 – 00:30:30.365] Okay?

[00:30:30.365 – 00:30:37.726] Suspenders, suspenders, and cowboy boots on the outside of his pants.

[00:30:37.726 – 00:30:47.546] And the little guy, the little guy said, “Boy, you’re not ready.

[00:30:47.546 – 00:30:57.626] You still got drinking to do.” And again, I stayed sober about 14 months just to piss him off,

[00:30:57.626 – 00:31:01.026] just to show him, “You’re not gonna beat me.

[00:31:01.026 – 00:31:01.626] I’m done.”

[00:31:02.581 – 00:31:12.721] So I kept telling him, “I’m done, I’m done.” And, um, the old man, who looked like Santa Claus in cowboy

[00:31:12.721 – 00:31:15.781] boots, said, “I won’t bullshit you.

[00:31:15.781 – 00:31:26.081] I won’t tell you that a black horse is white, because I know you like white horses.” And I said to him right then,

[00:31:26.081 – 00:31:32.841] “I need you to be my sponsor.” ‘Cause I had learned about find somebody that you like what they have.

[00:31:32.841 – 00:31:33.721] Mm-hmm.

[00:31:33.721 – 00:31:37.881] Find somebody that is gonna kick your ass.

[00:31:37.881 – 00:31:45.541] And I said, “I need you to be my sponsor.” And he didn’t say a word.

[00:31:45.541 – 00:31:51.201] They both walked out of that meeting, didn’t tell me if I qualified for the halfway house.

[00:31:51.201 – 00:31:59.481] Uh, but on the day that I was released, he was there in a r- little crappy white, white van to pick me up.

[00:31:59.481 – 00:32:09.581] So from Fairmont to Buckhannon, West Virginia, and I’ve said this before, from Fairmont to Buckhannon, West Virginia,

[00:32:09.581 – 00:32:19.781] which is about 35 miles, me and him, my new sponsor, did the first three steps of this program.

[00:32:19.781 – 00:32:30.001] “You’re an alcoholic, ain’t you, boy?” “Yes, sir.” “Um,

[00:32:30.001 – 00:32:40.081] your life’s pretty unmanageable, ain’t it?” “Yeah, when I drink.” “Um, you think God

[00:32:40.081 – 00:32:49.541] can help you with that?” “Probably.” “Well, don’t you think it’s time that you let Him?” Mm-hmm.

[00:32:49.541 – 00:33:00.501] “Yes, sir.” So after we had that conversation, “Turn to page 63 in

[00:33:00.501 – 00:33:01.061] this book.

[00:33:01.061 – 00:33:04.201] You got one of these?” “Yeah, I got one.” “Turn to page 63.

[00:33:04.201 – 00:33:14.221] Now, about halfway down there is Third Step Prayer, and I want you to

[00:33:14.221 – 00:33:16.881] read it, and I want you to say it.

[00:33:16.881 – 00:33:27.031] And when you say it, I want you to mean it.” So I got down on my knees in the back of a l- crappy little white van headed to Buckhannon,

[00:33:27.031 – 00:33:29.681] West Virginia, and I read the Third Step Prayer.

[00:33:29.681 – 00:33:36.620] And then I said the Third Step Prayer, and there was no epiphany.

[00:33:36.620 – 00:33:42.541] There was no brilliant light that came over me.

[00:33:42.541 – 00:33:52.941] But I knew that I had accepted

[00:33:52.941 – 00:34:02.981] that I was not in control of my life, that somebody somewhere, God,

[00:34:02.981 – 00:34:06.981] if I wanted to call Him that, was in, in control of my life.

[00:34:06.981 – 00:34:13.501] Because I had done all this for the last 20 years, and I hadn’t died.

[00:34:13.501 – 00:34:15.521] I hadn’t been arrested.

[00:34:15.521 – 00:34:18.201] I hadn’t been institutionalized.

[00:34:18.201 – 00:34:22.721] Um, so somebody must be doing something.

[00:34:22.721 – 00:34:32.881] And I also realized when I got out the van and he said, “Now it’s time to do some writing,” that

[00:34:32.881 – 00:34:41.401] as long as I did what this guy told me to do, that I was gonna be okay.

[00:34:41.401 – 00:34:43.821] First…

[00:34:43.821 – 00:34:49.361] It’s the first time in my life that I, that I actually believed that I was gonna be okay.

[00:34:49.361 – 00:35:00.621] Um, so I w- I wrote a Fourth Step, and, “Do

[00:35:00.621 – 00:35:02.191] it this way, this way, and this way.

[00:35:02.191 – 00:35:12.981] Write down this, this, and this, resentments, fears, and your manipulative behavior, uh,

[00:35:12.981 – 00:35:20.941] that had to do with women and people around you.” So I wrote it down.

[00:35:20.941 – 00:35:27.601] Took me about two and a half weeks, and I cussed it.

[00:35:27.601 – 00:35:28.621] I cried at it.

[00:35:28.621 – 00:35:37.941] Um, I went down, went downstairs, and I threw it down on the table, and I said, “I’m done with you, you son of a bitch.” Mm-hmm.

[00:35:37.941 – 00:35:44.781] And he read it, about the first two paragraphs of it, and wadded it all up- Mm-hmm …

[00:35:44.781 – 00:35:50.581] 10 or 12 pages of it, and threw it at me and said, “This is not what I told you to write.

[00:35:50.581 – 00:35:57.341] Do it again.” So I did, and I was going…

[00:35:57.341 – 00:35:59.661] My sponsor at the time was…

[00:35:59.661 – 00:36:02.981] I was the analytical alcoholic.

[00:36:02.981 – 00:36:08.941] Uh, my sponsor was a big stickler for 90 meetings in 90 days.

[00:36:08.941 – 00:36:18.961] And I took that as a challenge, and I, I

[00:36:18.961 – 00:36:19.921] finished.

[00:36:19.921 – 00:36:30.470] I can remember coming out of the meeting, it was snowing and blowing, and calling him on the cell phone and saying,

[00:36:30.470 – 00:36:31.201] “I beat you.

[00:36:31.201 – 00:36:33.981] I beat you.

[00:36:33.981 – 00:36:41.321] I just finished my 90th meeting, and it’s day 67.” Mm-hmm.

[00:36:41.321 – 00:36:46.081] And he said, “Well, good.

[00:36:46.081 – 00:36:46.901] Good for you.

[00:36:46.901 – 00:36:56.841] Congratulations.” And then I said, “Now what?” And he said, “Well, that’s easy.

[00:36:56.841 – 00:37:06.941] Now all you gotta do is make a meeting a day.” I said, “For how

[00:37:06.941 – 00:37:08.961] long?” Is what I said.

[00:37:08.961 – 00:37:19.761] He said, “Eh, forever.” Um, I said, “Fuck that.” “I’m not doing that.” “Ah,

[00:37:19.761 – 00:37:21.521] just go to a meeting tomorrow and talk about it.

[00:37:21.521 – 00:37:27.641] And if it’s not gone by tomorrow, take it to a meeting the next day and talk about it.

[00:37:27.641 – 00:37:33.181] And keep talking about it until it’s gone.” I did.

[00:37:33.181 – 00:37:45.101] Um, I fell in lust- …

[00:37:45.101 – 00:37:49.261] um, when I was first getting sober.

[00:37:49.261 – 00:38:00.801] Um, many, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, uh, that,

[00:38:00.801 – 00:38:01.821] um…

[00:38:01.821 – 00:38:13.461] My sponsor said, “Now, you can’t be in love, you can’t be in a relationship, but if your back itches, go ahead and scratch your back.” So

[00:38:13.461 – 00:38:14.001] I did.

[00:38:14.001 – 00:38:24.931] And it was this, this woman that I worked with, and I ended up moving out of the ha- halfway house after six months and

[00:38:24.931 – 00:38:26.061] moving in with her.

[00:38:26.061 – 00:38:36.101] And I was a CNA, and I’ve been a CNA for a very long time, and my back hurt coming home

[00:38:36.101 – 00:38:37.201] from work one day.

[00:38:37.201 – 00:38:38.921] My back hurt.

[00:38:38.921 – 00:38:49.561] And she said, “Well, here, just take this,” and

[00:38:49.561 – 00:38:55.601] handed me a couple of things that I’m not supposed to talk about in my lead.

[00:38:55.601 – 00:39:02.601] And I dropped them on the floor, and I walked out of that apartment.

[00:39:02.601 – 00:39:04.601] I see.

[00:39:04.601 – 00:39:08.141] And, uh, I never looked back.

[00:39:08.141 – 00:39:12.621] For anybody in the program that’s new…

[00:39:12.621 – 00:39:16.240] Okay.

[00:39:16.240 – 00:39:24.541] For anybody in the program that’s new, it’s not easy to be sober.

[00:39:24.541 – 00:39:26.721] It’s really not.

[00:39:26.721 – 00:39:32.201] Anybody that t- that says easy does it, there’s, there’s…

[00:39:32.201 – 00:39:35.301] Eas- I’ve always heard easy does it, but do it.

[00:39:35.301 – 00:39:38.721] Um, there’s work to be done.

[00:39:38.721 – 00:39:42.641] Um, I always…

[00:39:42.641 – 00:39:52.861] I’ve, I’ve been sitting here, I’ve been sitting here through some meetings and, um, when

[00:39:52.861 – 00:40:02.951] somebody picks up a chip, somebody asks them, “How’d you do that?” And they say, “One day at a time.” Um, hopefully, Lord willing,

[00:40:02.951 – 00:40:07.341] when I pick up my chip in December, I’ll tell that, um…

[00:40:07.341 – 00:40:17.341] When somebody asks me, “Doug, how’d you do that?” I’m gonna say, “I did what I was told.” Um, the, the

[00:40:17.341 – 00:40:23.181] experiences that I’ve had in this program are, are vast.

[00:40:23.181 – 00:40:30.701] I’ve been from here, from my hometown to here, and everywhere in between.

[00:40:30.701 – 00:40:40.941] Um, you can do anything, uh, that you want in this program, anything, as

[00:40:40.941 – 00:40:45.181] long as you’re willing to take God with you.

[00:40:45.181 – 00:40:54.341] If you go somewhere that you don’t want God to go, probably ought not go to that place.

[00:40:54.341 – 00:41:02.701] If you’re doing something that you don’t want God to see you doing, probably ought not to do that.

[00:41:02.701 – 00:41:06.581] Um, I’ve rambled a lot.

[00:41:06.581 – 00:41:07.001] Mm-hmm.

[00:41:07.001 – 00:41:09.161] And I digress.

[00:41:09.161 – 00:41:19.441] Um, I was sitting in a, in a conference, I was sitting in a conference with

[00:41:19.441 – 00:41:23.720] five years sober, and I thought I had the tiger by the tail.

[00:41:23.720 – 00:41:30.341] Thought I knew it all, and I didn’t need this program anymore.

[00:41:30.341 – 00:41:33.181] And when they would read…

[00:41:33.181 – 00:41:43.101] It was a s- speaker meeting, and when they would choose people to come up and read, um, somebody would say, “My name is John, and I’m an alcoholic.

[00:41:43.101 – 00:41:47.981] My home group is this, my sobriety date is this,” and then they’d read whatever was assigned to them to read.

[00:41:47.981 – 00:41:56.401] And that was all well and good, till this little red-haired girl, who’d sound like Charlie Brown- …

[00:41:56.401 – 00:42:01.001] um, got up, and she was gonna read More About Alcoholism.

[00:42:01.001 – 00:42:12.321] And she said, “My name is so and so, my home group is this group, and my sobriety date is

[00:42:12.321 – 00:42:20.641] yesterday.” And I, I, I was just, I was baffled at, at that.

[00:42:20.641 – 00:42:27.781] And I went running to my sponsor and I said, “This little girl only has one day sober, and she’s up there reading More About Alcoholism.

[00:42:27.781 – 00:42:38.041] WTF?” And he said- And he said, “Well…”

[00:42:38.041 – 00:42:42.341] And consequently, um, I just…

[00:42:42.341 – 00:42:48.221] That, that conference was in February of e- and that’s her sobriety date, and she picked up the last…

[00:42:48.221 – 00:42:50.801] And this past February, she picked up, uh, two years.

[00:42:50.801 – 00:42:58.321] Um, trudge the road of happy destiny.

[00:42:58.321 – 00:43:03.901] That doesn’t mean that you have to wade through two feet of shit.

[00:43:03.901 – 00:43:09.941] Um, to trudge means a slow and deliberate pace.

[00:43:09.941 – 00:43:20.045] Um, and we’re sure, we are sure that God

[00:43:20.045 – 00:43:22.225] wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.

[00:43:22.225 – 00:43:25.265] We don’t think it.

[00:43:25.265 – 00:43:26.605] We don’t– There’s my alarm.

[00:43:26.605 – 00:43:30.305] W- we don’t think God wants us to be free.

[00:43:30.305 – 00:43:33.765] We don’t wonder if God wants us to be free.

[00:43:33.765 – 00:43:38.825] We are sure that God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.

[00:43:38.825 – 00:43:49.005] And at the bottom of that paragraph, it says, “So when trouble comes,” doesn’t, doesn’t say it might come or, um, it’s gonna

[00:43:49.005 – 00:43:49.245] come.

[00:43:49.245 – 00:44:00.145] When trouble comes, it says, “Capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.” Um,

[00:44:00.145 – 00:44:02.805] and he’s talking about God.

[00:44:02.805 – 00:44:07.405] Um, without God, I am nothing.

[00:44:07.405 – 00:44:13.685] Um, the seventh step prayer, abandon yourself to God.

[00:44:13.685 – 00:44:19.325] Uh, I’m just– I’m trying in the next five minutes to hit all the high points.

[00:44:19.325 – 00:44:22.405] But it works.

[00:44:22.405 – 00:44:31.465] It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, um, if you want it bad enough.

[00:44:31.465 – 00:44:35.015] I have a, a, a…

[00:44:35.015 – 00:44:46.465] At my desk at work, I have a piece of paper, and typed on that piece of paper it says, “You have to want it more than you want to breathe.” Um,

[00:44:46.465 – 00:44:50.645] don’t put anything before this program except God.

[00:44:50.645 – 00:45:01.285] And I wanna thank every person in this room for sitting here listening to me ramble, for

[00:45:01.285 – 00:45:05.185] being here, um, when I needed you.

[00:45:05.185 – 00:45:15.485] Um, and just because you have a little bit of time, uh,

[00:45:15.485 – 00:45:20.445] don’t think that you can’t get messed up in the mind.

[00:45:20.445 – 00:45:27.844] You get to where you’re that sexual intellectual- -which is a flipping know-it-all.

[00:45:27.844 – 00:45:29.265] Yeah.

[00:45:29.265 – 00:45:39.565] Um, and I spent thirteen months, thirteen months disconnected

[00:45:39.565 – 00:45:42.825] from this program at about three years.

[00:45:42.825 – 00:45:52.725] Um, and not every alcoholic that relapses drinks.

[00:45:52.725 – 00:45:57.685] I, I, I, I’ve known…

[00:45:57.685 – 00:46:07.905] I know people that are, that tried to get sober with me that are in Western State Hospital wearing a hockey helmet.

[00:46:07.905 – 00:46:18.165] Um, God brought me to AA, and AA brought me to God, and it’s not been the easiest

[00:46:18.165 – 00:46:24.265] journey, but it’s one that I was willing to take.

[00:46:24.265 – 00:46:28.385] And thank you for letting me speak.

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