[00:00:00.400 – 00:00:01.720] This is a speaker meeting.

[00:00:01.720 – 00:00:05.979] If time permits, after we’ve heard the speaker, we will open the meeting up for discussion.

[00:00:05.979 – 00:00:11.480] Please switch your cellphones to silent or vibrate, and we ask that there is no cross-speaking.

[00:00:11.480 – 00:00:14.179] And I’ve asked John to introduce the speaker tonight.

[00:00:14.179 – 00:00:15.619] Thank you.

[00:00:15.619 – 00:00:16.739] John, and I’m an alcoholic.

[00:00:16.739 – 00:00:17.440] Hey, John.

[00:00:17.440 – 00:00:19.620] I am, uh, very excited to hear this.

[00:00:19.620 – 00:00:24.820] Um, I met Charles, um, I don’t know, a few months ago, maybe five, five months ago, six months ago or so.

[00:00:24.820 – 00:00:26.399] I think he had just moved to the area.

[00:00:26.399 – 00:00:29.899] I met him in the Winter Park Group that I go to on Friday nights, the gratitude meeting up there.

[00:00:29.899 – 00:00:35.780] And, um, when, um, when I hear him share, um, I just nod my head, you know, when he…

[00:00:35.780 – 00:00:42.640] It’s just that I can relate to most of what he says, and, uh, it’s really off the cuff and really straightforward and, and very recovery-oriented.

[00:00:42.640 – 00:00:49.219] Uh, I, I don’t see him as being the, you know, typical big book thumper or anything like that, but, uh, what he says is very true and very, very real.

[00:00:49.219 – 00:00:52.240] Um, and I’m very excited to hear about what he has to say.

[00:00:52.240 – 00:00:57.579] Um, I, I love the way that he shares, and I love the way that he, um, just gets straight to the point.

[00:00:57.579 – 00:00:59.539] There’s no, there’s no, uh, BS-ing around.

[00:00:59.539 – 00:01:02.520] And, uh, with that, I’m very excited to hear you, Charles.

[00:01:02.520 – 00:01:05.659] Thank you for coming and, uh, sorry about the crazy.

[00:01:05.659 – 00:01:11.920] Oh, man, I appreciate it.

[00:01:11.920 – 00:01:13.540] Sober alcoholic named Charles, man.

[00:01:13.540 – 00:01:14.819] John, thank you so much, man.

[00:01:14.819 – 00:01:16.280] That was a, that was a hell of an intro.

[00:01:16.280 – 00:01:16.859] You know what I mean?

[00:01:16.859 – 00:01:22.819] And the lovely thing about that is, you know, people talking nice like that about you nowadays, man, that’s what these rooms do.

[00:01:22.819 – 00:01:23.260] You know what I mean?

[00:01:23.260 – 00:01:26.400] ‘Cause nobody said nothing like that about a brother before he got here.

[00:01:26.400 – 00:01:28.150] You know, man?

[00:01:28.150 – 00:01:30.859] You know, how nice he speaks, the good things he say.

[00:01:30.859 – 00:01:33.780] Nah, ’cause I ain’t had nothing nice, and I wasn’t good at all.

[00:01:33.780 – 00:01:34.719] You know what I mean?

[00:01:34.719 – 00:01:39.939] I got good, you know, by the grace of God, slow but surely, one day at a time in these rooms, man.

[00:01:39.939 – 00:01:43.739] And the lovely thing about them is they’re everywhere, you know, and I make sure I’m everywhere in them.

[00:01:43.739 – 00:01:47.420] You know, when I go on vacation, I, I, I take my AA with me, you know.

[00:01:47.420 – 00:01:49.319] Recovery is vital to me, you know.

[00:01:49.319 – 00:01:54.799] Um, my story discloses in a general way what it used to be like, what happened and what it’s like now, you know.

[00:01:54.799 – 00:01:58.099] Um, I, I’m from Pittsburgh, PA, you know.

[00:01:58.099 – 00:02:08.150] Um, first time I ever drank, you know, I know I was eight years old and, um, my grandmother and us, we all lived in the

[00:02:08.150 – 00:02:11.219] projects, man, but my grandmother’s projects was worse than mine.

[00:02:11.219 – 00:02:14.500] And, um, that’s crazy, but it’s true.

[00:02:14.500 – 00:02:24.539] And, um, you know, it was so– There’s a lot of hills and, and, and mountains in Pennsylvania, but, um, this project’s set up on a hill, you know, and there

[00:02:24.539 – 00:02:27.099] was no stores up there, so we were fortunate, man.

[00:02:27.099 – 00:02:34.280] This school bus came through there, and on that school bus, they had anything you could possibly want from soap powder, milk to penny candy.

[00:02:34.280 – 00:02:35.020] You know what I mean?

[00:02:35.020 – 00:02:36.979] So it was a big deal when that bus come through.

[00:02:36.979 – 00:02:37.569] You know what I mean?

[00:02:37.569 – 00:02:40.860] And, um, and it came through, you know what I mean.

[00:02:40.860 – 00:02:48.199] I got– I went on there with my little, um, fifty cent, you know what I mean, and loaded up, man, came home with a big old bag of candy ’cause there was this little honey I was sweet on.

[00:02:48.199 – 00:02:48.680] You know what I mean?

[00:02:48.680 – 00:02:52.300] At eight years old, you know, I was gonna give her a bag of candy, and she was gonna be my girl.

[00:02:52.300 – 00:03:01.579] And, um, when I came off the bus, man, uh, this kid that, um, lived in the same court as my grandmother, um, he was a big kid.

[00:03:01.579 – 00:03:02.060] You know what I mean?

[00:03:02.060 – 00:03:05.560] But he was supposedly the same age as us, but he was, he was humongous.

[00:03:05.560 – 00:03:09.159] Nuke-Nuke, man, he, he mushed my face and took my candy.

[00:03:09.159 – 00:03:10.259] You know what I mean?

[00:03:10.259 – 00:03:14.000] So I ran upstairs to my grandmother to tell her, you know, what he had done.

[00:03:14.000 – 00:03:17.599] And ’cause my grandmother was– she was like a project grandmother.

[00:03:17.599 – 00:03:18.039] You know what I mean?

[00:03:18.039 – 00:03:19.379] She straightened everybody out.

[00:03:19.379 – 00:03:21.120] So I knew it was gonna happen.

[00:03:21.120 – 00:03:23.259] She had a gun.

[00:03:23.259 – 00:03:24.580] You know- She had a gun.

[00:03:24.580 – 00:03:31.900] And so I went up, um, and, and to tell, uh, Grandma what had took place, man, and her and, uh, her and her her neighbor, Ms.

[00:03:31.900 – 00:03:35.469] Burton, was listening to country music, man, knocked out.

[00:03:35.469 – 00:03:41.620] You know, my grandmother suffered from this disease, but by the grace of God, you know what I mean, she didn’t die drunk.

[00:03:41.620 – 00:03:42.269] You know what I mean?

[00:03:42.269 – 00:03:45.740] I can’t say that she was in recovery, but she didn’t die drunk.

[00:03:45.740 – 00:03:48.620] But, um, you know, they were, they were out, man.

[00:03:48.620 – 00:03:51.740] And, and, you know, I’m hollering, screaming, tugging on them, you know what I mean.

[00:03:51.740 – 00:03:52.699] They wouldn’t move, man.

[00:03:52.699 – 00:03:54.620] And, you know, I was so distraught, man.

[00:03:54.620 – 00:03:55.560] I didn’t know what to do.

[00:03:55.560 – 00:03:56.919] You know, my candy was gone.

[00:03:56.919 – 00:03:59.580] My, my dreams of romance were gone.

[00:03:59.580 – 00:04:00.069] You know- …

[00:04:00.069 – 00:04:01.359] I was just all messed up.

[00:04:01.359 – 00:04:10.819] And, um, I remember looking at the table, man, and they had, they had all these drinks out on the table, and I stared at it for probably about a good fifteen minutes just, just looking.

[00:04:10.819 – 00:04:15.520] Then finally, I took my grandmother’s cup and I drank it, and it tasted good.

[00:04:15.520 – 00:04:18.480] It tasted real good, and I drank it all.

[00:04:18.480 – 00:04:22.769] Then when I drank it all, first thing I said is, “Oh, man, my mom’s gonna find out.

[00:04:22.769 – 00:04:23.620] I’m gonna get a beating.

[00:04:23.620 – 00:04:25.920] Oh, man, this is terrible.” You know what I mean?

[00:04:25.920 – 00:04:30.160] So I was going through that fear, you know what I mean, of now I’ve done something wrong, I’m gonna have to pay for it.

[00:04:30.160 – 00:04:35.839] And, um, you know, I went over in the corner, man, and I was just, you know, I was, I was crying, man.

[00:04:35.839 – 00:04:36.980] I was crying in the corner.

[00:04:36.980 – 00:04:45.040] All of a sudden, I just stopped crying, you know, and it seemed like a S grew up out of my chest, you know.

[00:04:45.040 – 00:04:50.399] And all of a sudden, I was like, “I’m going out and get my candy.” Mm.

[00:04:50.399 – 00:04:51.259] You know what I mean?

[00:04:51.259 – 00:04:58.519] So I went outside to see a n- a dude about my candy, you know, and me and Nuke-Nuke had it out, you know, and I got my candy back, you know.

[00:04:58.519 – 00:05:09.079] And I never ever forgot the power that that drink gave me that made me so powerful

[00:05:09.079 – 00:05:12.660] that I was willing to go out there and dang well deal with this bully.

[00:05:12.660 – 00:05:13.160] You know what I mean?

[00:05:13.160 – 00:05:15.240] Because he was bigger than me, you know.

[00:05:15.240 – 00:05:19.920] And, um, and I remember the next time drinking came around, I was twelve years old, man.

[00:05:19.920 – 00:05:28.300] I remember telling the cats, man, we had gotten a fifth, and I said, “When you drink this, you’re gonna get strong.” “This thing makes you powerful.” You know what I mean?

[00:05:28.300 – 00:05:31.740] Um, right there, you know, that was it.

[00:05:31.740 – 00:05:34.290] You know, I, I, I can’t say I’d never liked alcohol.

[00:05:34.290 – 00:05:34.759] I loved it.

[00:05:34.759 – 00:05:37.819] You know, I loved that first drink, and I loved it after that, you know.

[00:05:37.819 – 00:05:39.699] Um, I just loved it a lot too much.

[00:05:39.699 – 00:05:49.839] Um, I, you know, I wish I could tell y’all, you know, all the war stories, but my sponsor tells me, he says, “You know, you know, stick to the demographics.” And the basic line is, you know what I mean, I,

[00:05:49.839 – 00:05:50.980] I did what everyone else did.

[00:05:50.980 – 00:05:51.360] You know what I mean?

[00:05:51.360 – 00:05:53.920] I drank, you know, and sometime I drank too much.

[00:05:53.920 – 00:05:56.980] I had s- you know, the little throw ups and stuff like that.

[00:05:56.980 – 00:06:00.600] But, um, you know, I, I still managed to get through school, man.

[00:06:00.600 – 00:06:05.259] I was raised by a single mom, and, you know, lacking on school was not a dang on option.

[00:06:05.259 – 00:06:05.740] You know what I mean?

[00:06:05.740 – 00:06:11.220] You come in, you know, with messed up grades and, and, and, and it’s gonna happen, you know.

[00:06:11.220 – 00:06:13.879] And, um, my mom was not scared to beat you down.

[00:06:13.879 – 00:06:16.899] Um- I did what I needed to do, man.

[00:06:16.899 – 00:06:17.699] You know, I got through.

[00:06:17.699 – 00:06:25.800] I don’t know how, man, because, um, I, I try to look back at my childhood a lot of times, man, and, um, there’s a lot of fogginess in it, you know?

[00:06:25.800 – 00:06:28.060] And I didn’t realize back then I was having blackouts.

[00:06:28.060 – 00:06:28.920] You know what I mean?

[00:06:28.920 – 00:06:32.319] You know, I, I just thought, you know what I mean, “Ah, I forgot,” you know?

[00:06:32.319 – 00:06:34.360] I was having blackouts back then.

[00:06:34.360 – 00:06:41.300] You know, I came through, um, school, man, and, um, you know, I played football, and I thought I was really, really, really, really, really good.

[00:06:41.300 – 00:06:44.160] I found out I really, really, really wasn’t, you know?

[00:06:44.160 – 00:06:52.600] And, um, you know, I expected either a scholarship offer from Penn State, Notre Dame, Pitt, West Virginia, you know what I mean?

[00:06:52.600 – 00:06:57.459] Instead, I got a school named Wilberforce and another one named, uh, Fair- Fairmont.

[00:06:57.459 – 00:07:00.759] And I was like, “Pssh, I’m not gonna go to school there,” you know what I mean?

[00:07:00.759 – 00:07:02.319] Division I, you know.

[00:07:02.319 – 00:07:05.180] And, um, I was so stupid, you know what I mean.

[00:07:05.180 – 00:07:11.019] I, I allowed the opportunities to go, and, um, you know, also, uh, at twelve years old, I picked up another trade.

[00:07:11.019 – 00:07:15.079] I, I went into the sales business, and I had no office or no company that I worked for.

[00:07:15.079 – 00:07:22.750] And, um, I did that, you know, um, all the way through school, and, um, when things didn’t go well, I said, “You know, that’s what I’m gonna do.” You know what I mean?

[00:07:22.750 – 00:07:23.360] “I’m good at it.

[00:07:23.360 – 00:07:27.399] You know, I’m gonna make that happen.” Um, well that didn’t turn out real well, you know what I mean.

[00:07:27.399 – 00:07:31.199] You know, with everything that, that goes good, you know, bad comes.

[00:07:31.199 – 00:07:38.480] Um, the little town that I, I graduated in, the police chief and my mom happened to go to school together in Pittsburgh.

[00:07:38.480 – 00:07:43.139] And, um, man, he used to try to get me all the time when I was coming up little, you know what I mean?

[00:07:43.139 – 00:07:47.019] Saying I was doing stuff that you didn’t catch me doing, so you gonna say I did it, you know?

[00:07:47.019 – 00:07:50.720] And, you know, I prided myself on that until he finally– he, he did get me.

[00:07:50.720 – 00:07:59.279] And, um, he caught me coming back into town with something, and, um, he took me down to the police station by myself, and I never even thought about it till I actually truly got into recovery.

[00:07:59.279 – 00:08:00.579] It didn’t make sense to me.

[00:08:00.579 – 00:08:10.600] But he took me down to the police station by myself and interrogated me by myself, and he told me, he said, “If your mom found out about this, it would kill her.” And I was like, “Yeah.” So he said,

[00:08:10.600 – 00:08:18.980] “You got two months to either get out of town or join the service, or you’re going to prison.” And I was like, “Um, okay.

[00:08:18.980 – 00:08:23.899] Well, let me see what Uncle Sam got to offer.” So, um, of course, I, I, I went into, uh, the military.

[00:08:23.899 – 00:08:33.919] And, um, one time, I, I had, I had discipline for my mother and elders, but I did not really have any discipline ’cause I really thought I knew a lot and did a lot.

[00:08:33.919 – 00:08:39.259] And when I got to boot camp, the worst part about it is boot camp was only eight weeks, and it took me twelve to get out of there.

[00:08:39.259 – 00:08:41.059] And I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

[00:08:41.059 – 00:08:44.820] Well, they got this thing called setting you back, which means you do not finish.

[00:08:44.820 – 00:08:48.720] You go back and start again because you didn’t do what you were supposed to do.

[00:08:48.720 – 00:08:53.879] It’d be all right if I couldn’t fold my clothes right or if I didn’t stand right at attention.

[00:08:53.879 – 00:08:56.039] It was always fighting, you know?

[00:08:56.039 – 00:09:02.440] It was always fighting because I, I didn’t know that I couldn’t put my hands on people anytime I wanted to, you know?

[00:09:02.440 – 00:09:06.679] And, um, it took me a long time even as a grown-up to come to understand that.

[00:09:06.679 – 00:09:16.730] Um, anyway, I finally asked the second-class petty officer on my second setback, I said, “What do I need to do to get out of here?” He said, “Come here.” He said,

[00:09:16.730 – 00:09:21.120] “Look out there in the grinder.” I looked out there, and there were some guys in these green uniforms, man.

[00:09:21.120 – 00:09:26.960] Looked like, um, hospital uniforms, and they were walking across the grinder, and they were slobbering and looking all crazy.

[00:09:26.960 – 00:09:37.019] And I said, “What in the hell is wrong with them?” He said, “They’re getting ready to get out.” He said, “You wanna get out like that?” I was like, “No.” He said, “Okay, then straighten your act up, man, and start listening.”

[00:09:37.019 – 00:09:38.080] I was like, “That’s all I gotta do?

[00:09:38.080 – 00:09:40.460] Go figure,” you know?

[00:09:40.460 – 00:09:41.600] I straightened up.

[00:09:41.600 – 00:09:42.139] I listened.

[00:09:42.139 – 00:09:45.419] Next thing you know, man, I was, you know, on the Honor Court dawn and everything.

[00:09:45.419 – 00:09:45.759] Boom.

[00:09:45.759 – 00:09:46.820] I get out of boot camp.

[00:09:46.820 – 00:09:47.879] I’m off to A school.

[00:09:47.879 – 00:09:50.159] Life finally starts now.

[00:09:50.159 – 00:09:54.639] I’m a dang ol’, you know, a grown-up in a child’s body, you know?

[00:09:54.639 – 00:09:58.120] I don’t have no res– uh, no, um, authority over me, you know what I mean?

[00:09:58.120 – 00:10:03.559] Besides, you know, the chain of command, but I can drink when I wanna drink, bottom line, you know?

[00:10:03.559 – 00:10:04.740] I can go up in the club.

[00:10:04.740 – 00:10:06.039] You know, I’m not even twenty-one.

[00:10:06.039 – 00:10:08.460] I can go in the club, order a drink, and get it.

[00:10:08.460 – 00:10:09.100] You know what I mean?

[00:10:09.100 – 00:10:10.279] I was getting off, man.

[00:10:10.279 – 00:10:11.600] I was drinking like crazy.

[00:10:11.600 – 00:10:17.460] And one thing that, you know, really challenged me the most, y’all, is, um, here’s what I seen in that whole thing.

[00:10:17.460 – 00:10:23.039] I had a senior chief who was an Indian, and he can drink a pitcher of beer faster than I can drink a mug.

[00:10:23.039 – 00:10:25.840] And you know another thing I thought about in my military career?

[00:10:25.840 – 00:10:27.679] One day, I wanna drink like that.

[00:10:27.679 – 00:10:31.840] I wanted to be able to drink a dang ol’ pitcher in somebody’s mug, you know?

[00:10:31.840 – 00:10:35.679] So alcoholism was in me, uh, you know, long before I realized it.

[00:10:35.679 – 00:10:46.100] Um, I drank a lot, man, and, um, and messed up a lot, but I– my military career, if you looked at it on paper, man, you know, I got all these dang ol’ different, uh, letters of recommendation

[00:10:46.100 – 00:10:47.379] from Ronald Reagan, you know what I mean?

[00:10:47.379 – 00:10:52.659] I was, I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, but I was also doing what I wasn’t supposed to be doing, you know?

[00:10:52.659 – 00:10:59.860] Um, I wish I could sit here and tell y’all, you know, you know, uh, that the system discriminated against me ’cause of my color.

[00:10:59.860 – 00:11:04.059] The str– the system discriminated me ’cause of my actions, you know?

[00:11:04.059 – 00:11:08.500] You know, Charles liked to act up and then wanted to blame everybody else, you know?

[00:11:08.500 – 00:11:13.980] Charles’ problem is Charles, but Charles never wanted to address that nor understand that, you know what I mean?

[00:11:13.980 – 00:11:17.620] I couldn’t really, and I didn’t know why, but, see, I had a disease.

[00:11:17.620 – 00:11:21.039] I had a disease that was killing me, and I didn’t know it, you know?

[00:11:21.039 – 00:11:23.340] So I just, I went on to the bitter end.

[00:11:23.340 – 00:11:27.779] I went, um, like I said, the military was great and wonderful.

[00:11:27.779 – 00:11:36.179] Um, I was, I was getting all these different awards, so, you know, everything should’ve been great, but, you know, I, I was still doing that thing I used to do when I was young, you know?

[00:11:36.179 – 00:11:38.460] And they frown on that, you know?

[00:11:38.460 – 00:11:40.259] And, um, and it came to haunt me.

[00:11:40.259 – 00:11:50.259] And, um, when they, when they, um, when they came down on me, you know, they said that somebody had s– you know, had seen me, um, deliver something, and I was like, “Yeah, well, you know, that’s a

[00:11:50.259 – 00:11:50.539] lie.

[00:11:50.539 – 00:11:51.460] You know, we’ll fight it.

[00:11:51.460 – 00:11:52.220] You know, I’ll win.

[00:11:52.220 – 00:11:55.940] You guys are lying.” But, you know, bottom line is, you know, I didn’t know what was going on.

[00:11:55.940 – 00:12:04.059] But I did have a good friend that me and him was gonna lie real well at the court-martial, and I was gonna get off ’cause this was my partner, you know what I mean?

[00:12:04.059 – 00:12:05.320] And he had my back.

[00:12:05.320 – 00:12:14.639] Well, me and that good friend, we went to a second class petty officer party to send our way to Hawaii, and, um, and did what we liked to do: drink.

[00:12:14.639 – 00:12:15.440] You know what I mean?

[00:12:15.440 – 00:12:21.779] And drank, um, entirely too much too fast and just decided that we were gonna drive to San Francisco.

[00:12:21.779 – 00:12:31.830] And, um- The hardest thing ever for me to be

[00:12:31.830 – 00:12:42.330] able to do, y’all, is to tell you that we never made it there, is to tell you all that I killed my partner on the way to San Francisco because of my disease.

[00:12:42.330 – 00:12:52.350] You know, because of my desire to go to San Francisco drunk up in a vehicle that I should not have been operating on, my best friend, Clarence Timothy Avant,

[00:12:52.350 – 00:12:52.929] is dead.

[00:12:52.929 – 00:12:55.190] You know, I had to give him a name.

[00:12:55.190 – 00:12:59.610] I ha– I had to bring him to life in these rooms, y’all, ’cause I didn’t wanna tell nobody about that.

[00:12:59.610 – 00:13:03.948] See, they didn’t charge me with it, so I didn’t want y’all to think badly of me.

[00:13:03.948 – 00:13:04.649] Mm-hmm.

[00:13:04.649 – 00:13:05.190] You know what I mean?

[00:13:05.190 – 00:13:11.029] But this man should be alive today, and he’s not, as a direct result of this disease.

[00:13:11.029 – 00:13:18.909] You know, I, I am responsible, and for that, you know what I mean, I take full responsibility, man.

[00:13:18.909 – 00:13:22.429] I really wish I coulda had that time back, but I didn’t know what I know today.

[00:13:22.429 – 00:13:25.620] Fast-forward, so I get to court-martialed.

[00:13:25.620 – 00:13:30.470] I don’t have a, a, a partner now, and, um, the Navy, they, they court-martialed me.

[00:13:30.470 – 00:13:31.269] They sent me to the brig.

[00:13:31.269 – 00:13:33.669] I spent the rest of my years, you know, in the brig.

[00:13:33.669 – 00:13:37.090] So, you know, I come out of the military, and everyone thought, you know, everything was lovely.

[00:13:37.090 – 00:13:39.399] “Man, oh, man, you went, served your country,” and this and that.

[00:13:39.399 – 00:13:49.409] They didn’t realize I served my country doing time, and only thing this alcoholic could think of is, “If I knew I was gonna have to do time, I should’ve just did it back then.” I didn’t say, “Oh,

[00:13:49.409 – 00:13:50.509] there’s a problem, Charles.

[00:13:50.509 – 00:13:58.990] There’s a problem.” No, I just said, “I should’ve did the time before, and I could’ve been done with this already.” Fast-forward, man, I just go back in the, um, in the life now.

[00:13:58.990 – 00:14:02.889] I was an MS in the, uh, Navy, which is a mess specialist, as they’re called.

[00:14:02.889 – 00:14:07.649] So I came out, and I, and I got, um, jobs in the restaurant business and, you know, excelled real good.

[00:14:07.649 – 00:14:09.789] I’m a great worker, you know?

[00:14:09.789 – 00:14:11.429] I’m not tooting my own horn, y’all.

[00:14:11.429 – 00:14:12.549] I’m a great worker.

[00:14:12.549 – 00:14:16.289] I’m a great alcoholic, too, you know?

[00:14:16.289 – 00:14:17.830] Those don’t coincide.

[00:14:17.830 – 00:14:18.759] You know what I mean?

[00:14:18.759 – 00:14:22.409] One of them always wins, and it’s usually the alcohol, you know?

[00:14:22.409 – 00:14:23.850] A lot of people, you know…

[00:14:23.850 – 00:14:27.210] I’ve had some, I mean, serious money-making jobs.

[00:14:27.210 – 00:14:30.090] I did not get fired from those jobs.

[00:14:30.090 – 00:14:31.129] I quit.

[00:14:31.129 – 00:14:33.190] I resigned from them jobs.

[00:14:33.190 – 00:14:33.908] You know why?

[00:14:33.908 – 00:14:39.830] ‘Cause I’m not gonna give you the opportunity to say that you fired me because I was a drunk, you know?

[00:14:39.830 – 00:14:42.409] That Charles is drinking too much, you know what I mean?

[00:14:42.409 – 00:14:52.289] I had one owner actually come to me at my house and say, “Charles, I need you to come to work.” I was like, “I will when I’m scheduled.” He said, “You are scheduled,” you know?

[00:14:52.289 – 00:14:53.379] And I was like, “God.

[00:14:53.379 – 00:14:55.950] Okay.” I missed out, you know what I mean?

[00:14:55.950 – 00:14:59.809] I used to drink so bad that, um, I would lose days.

[00:14:59.809 – 00:15:07.549] I would lose days, and I would have these wonderful jobs that I’d show up, and they’re like, “Where you been?” Like, “What do you mean, where I been?

[00:15:07.549 – 00:15:09.769] Been at home,” you know?

[00:15:09.769 – 00:15:14.229] In a funk, in a drunk, you know, for maybe a couple days at a time, yo.

[00:15:14.229 – 00:15:22.809] And you know, and it was sad, you know, ’cause I, I, I kept going, you know, “Hey, where you at now?” “I’m over here.” “Why?” “Oh, man, they, they wasn’t paying enough.” No, bullshit, man.

[00:15:22.809 – 00:15:23.450] You know what?

[00:15:23.450 – 00:15:23.970] I was…

[00:15:23.970 – 00:15:26.730] One more time, they wanted to check me for my alcoholism.

[00:15:26.730 – 00:15:35.970] I had one owner even had the, uh, the audacity to say, “Charles, if you go get some help, man, your job will be here.” Like, “Get some help?

[00:15:35.970 – 00:15:37.490] Ain’t nothing wrong with me.

[00:15:37.490 – 00:15:39.070] Something wrong with you, homes.

[00:15:39.070 – 00:15:39.879] You know what I mean?

[00:15:39.879 – 00:15:41.950] Don’t tell me to get no help, you know?

[00:15:41.950 – 00:15:44.210] I’ll get some work.” And I did.

[00:15:44.210 – 00:15:48.710] So I never heard these warning signs that people really cared about me even back then, you know?

[00:15:48.710 – 00:15:50.330] My alcoholism cared more about me.

[00:15:50.330 – 00:15:54.009] They wanted me dead, and I wanted to dang on make it succeed, you know?

[00:15:54.009 – 00:15:54.710] Bottom line.

[00:15:54.710 – 00:15:57.419] I, um, I went on to the bitter end.

[00:15:57.419 – 00:16:00.259] I went in a couple dang on treatment centers, man, you know?

[00:16:00.259 – 00:16:06.889] And every time I went in a treatment center, when I came out, you get that little, “Ah, I’m excited now, you know?

[00:16:06.889 – 00:16:08.110] I, I’m not gonna drink.

[00:16:08.110 – 00:16:09.210] I’m gonna go to a meeting, you know?

[00:16:09.210 – 00:16:13.288] I’m gonna get my life in order,” you know, until some shit happens, you know what I mean?

[00:16:13.288 – 00:16:16.710] Soon as some shit happens, you know what I mean, I wanna take care of that problem, you know?

[00:16:16.710 – 00:16:18.950] I, I, I suffer from fearism, you know?

[00:16:18.950 – 00:16:23.750] I don’t wanna deal with fearism, so when I drink, it suffocates fearism a lot, you know what I mean?

[00:16:23.750 – 00:16:28.610] So any time I get scared, I’ll drink and take that scare away quickly, you know?

[00:16:28.610 – 00:16:31.110] So alcohol and me, you know what I mean, we loved one another.

[00:16:31.110 – 00:16:31.909] It took care of me.

[00:16:31.909 – 00:16:34.049] I loved alcohol more than I loved my wife.

[00:16:34.049 – 00:16:39.190] I’ve been with my wife 20 years, but alcohol been with me longer, and I told her that one time.

[00:16:39.190 – 00:16:39.909] Mm.

[00:16:39.909 – 00:16:42.149] And she’s still with me, you know what I mean?

[00:16:42.149 – 00:16:44.490] That is, that’s only God, y’all.

[00:16:44.490 – 00:16:48.049] That’s only the God that this, this program gave me back, because you know what?

[00:16:48.049 – 00:16:51.450] I would’ve been dragged if she told me something like that, you know what I mean?

[00:16:51.450 – 00:16:57.419] Cared more about an inanimate object more than you do me, a human being, but that’s how this disease had me.

[00:16:57.419 – 00:17:00.129] This disease had me really shook up, really bad.

[00:17:00.129 – 00:17:00.870] And you know what?

[00:17:00.870 – 00:17:10.930] I really wanted to be sober, but I could not afford for you guys to get to know me, because, see, I, I had made s- made up so

[00:17:10.930 – 00:17:21.009] many different characters that if I got sober, you might find out who I really am, and I couldn’t afford for that, so I was like, “Later for that dang on sobriety.” Then I got tricked

[00:17:21.009 – 00:17:21.210] up.

[00:17:21.210 – 00:17:28.569] I went into, um, a recovery treatment center, and, um, I come out of there, and, you know, Cats took me to a meeting that I kinda liked, so I went to that meeting.

[00:17:28.569 – 00:17:32.269] I was going to that meeting for about 30-something days, and I started to feel real good.

[00:17:32.269 – 00:17:32.750] I got AA.

[00:17:32.750 – 00:17:34.869] I got Alcoholics Anonymous.

[00:17:34.869 – 00:17:35.789] I, I’m good.

[00:17:35.789 – 00:17:43.809] I know how to do this thing, and I raised my hand for the first time, and the old-timer said, “Yes, young man?” And I went to speak, and I got a few sentences out.

[00:17:43.809 – 00:17:45.009] He said, “Shut the F up.

[00:17:45.009 – 00:17:49.069] Sit down.” And I got up and walked up out of there, man.

[00:17:49.069 – 00:17:49.769] I said, “You know what?

[00:17:49.769 – 00:17:51.230] I ain’t never hit an old man in my life.

[00:17:51.230 – 00:17:53.589] Soon as he come outside, I’m beating him up,” you know what I mean?

[00:17:53.589 – 00:17:55.329] “‘Cause he ain’t gonna talk to me like that.

[00:17:55.329 – 00:17:57.410] He don’t know who he dealing with,” you know what I mean?

[00:17:57.410 – 00:17:58.430] So I’m waiting.

[00:17:58.430 – 00:17:59.069] I’m fuming.

[00:17:59.069 – 00:17:59.569] I’m mad.

[00:17:59.569 – 00:18:00.029] Grr.

[00:18:00.029 – 00:18:06.069] And then all of a sudden, the meeting comes, uh, over with, and the people come out, and they say, “Ha, keep coming back.

[00:18:06.069 – 00:18:09.829] Keep coming back,” as they’re walking past me, as they’re walking past me.

[00:18:09.829 – 00:18:16.230] Now, I’m mad, because I’m feeling one of them should have stopped and say, “Charles, we saw that old man talk to you like that, baby.

[00:18:16.230 – 00:18:18.349] You know, we know you got them feelings, you know?

[00:18:18.349 – 00:18:20.589] You got all tore up.” No, they didn’t say that.

[00:18:20.589 – 00:18:23.150] They said, “Keep coming back,” walking off, walking off.

[00:18:23.150 – 00:18:25.690] Next thing I know, here’s this old man right there in my face.

[00:18:25.690 – 00:18:26.450] I turn.

[00:18:26.450 – 00:18:29.390] He said, “Boy.” I’m thinking in my head, “Boy?

[00:18:29.390 – 00:18:35.250] Yes, sir?” He said, “Shut your mouth and keep coming back to this meeting.

[00:18:35.250 – 00:18:36.789] We’re gonna teach y’all get sober,” and walked off.

[00:18:36.789 – 00:18:45.430] And I’m thinking to myself, “He did it again.” “I’m coming back to this meeting tomorrow just to tell him, ‘Don’t talk to me like that,’ and then I’m done with AA.

[00:18:45.430 – 00:18:49.269] Damn that.” And I came back, and he wasn’t there, so I said, “Fuck it.

[00:18:49.269 – 00:18:50.640] I’ll come back again,” you know?

[00:18:50.640 – 00:18:52.640] And I kept coming back to the meeting to see the old man

[00:18:52.770 – 00:18:56.550] He wasn’t there, but I kept coming back to the meeting ’cause he was gonna show up.

[00:18:56.550 – 00:18:57.490] I know he gonna show up.

[00:18:57.490 – 00:19:00.820] You know, and time just kept on going, y’all.

[00:19:00.820 – 00:19:04.290] Next thing I know, I had messed around and been up in the rooms for a year.

[00:19:04.290 – 00:19:09.630] I ain’t seen the old man yet, but I’m gonna say something- -when I see him, you know.

[00:19:09.630 – 00:19:20.190] And then I started, I started doing some things that I didn’t really wanna do, like I came to that meeting looking for that old man, and them old-timers said, “Boy.” Said,

[00:19:20.190 – 00:19:24.170] “Yes, sir.” “Clean them ashtrays.” I didn’t even smoke cigarettes back then.

[00:19:24.170 – 00:19:28.170] I’m cleaning ashtrays, dumping the ashtray, folding chairs, folding tables.

[00:19:28.170 – 00:19:32.090] I didn’t wanna do it, and I was gonna tell them about it, but I had to tell the old man first.

[00:19:32.090 – 00:19:33.000] I wanted to do things in order.

[00:19:33.000 – 00:19:35.930] You know, so, so I just kept on just doing it.

[00:19:35.930 – 00:19:36.470] You know what I mean?

[00:19:36.470 – 00:19:46.850] And, um, lo and behold, man, bless them old-timers, man, they, they, they kept me around and, um, you know, I started going to a lot of, a lot of functions, a lot of dances, a lot of cookouts, a lot of everything,

[00:19:46.850 – 00:19:47.130] man.

[00:19:47.130 – 00:19:48.450] I was doing AA.

[00:19:48.450 – 00:19:51.890] I, I had been around for about two years and some change.

[00:19:51.890 – 00:19:53.850] My boy was getting ready to get out of prison.

[00:19:53.850 – 00:19:59.590] I’m gonna give him some of this love that I got up in AA, got a new caddy and everything, so I goes and picks him up.

[00:19:59.590 – 00:20:06.680] When I go and pick him up, he says, “Charles, I need, I need a pack of cigarettes, man, and a drink.” I said, “You got it.

[00:20:06.680 – 00:20:09.210] You got it.” I’m gonna do this ’cause this is twelve-stepping.

[00:20:09.210 – 00:20:10.930] I’m AA’d up.

[00:20:10.930 – 00:20:20.970] And, um, you know, I get him a pack of cigarettes and a drink, and I take him to his brother’s house and, um, and we’re sitting there talking about the, you know, him doing the time, all the crimes we committed that,

[00:20:20.970 – 00:20:23.610] you know, that no one got busted for but him.

[00:20:23.610 – 00:20:29.810] And, um, next thing I know, man, we’re both drunk, and I’m fucked up with it.

[00:20:29.810 – 00:20:31.050] I’m angry.

[00:20:31.050 – 00:20:33.930] I said, “This is not the way it was supposed to be.

[00:20:33.930 – 00:20:36.410] I was supposed to take you with me to AA.

[00:20:36.410 – 00:20:39.150] I was supposed to get you sober like me.

[00:20:39.150 – 00:20:47.000] Your life was supposed to get better, like mines.” And he said, “But you still seem the same to me.” Now, he said that back then, y’all.

[00:20:47.000 – 00:20:49.590] I didn’t hear it till I was working with a newcomer a couple years ago.

[00:20:49.590 – 00:20:55.650] That was his exact words, “But you still seem the same to me.” See, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

[00:20:55.650 – 00:20:57.770] I didn’t really understand that at all, yo.

[00:20:57.770 – 00:20:58.600] You know what I mean?

[00:20:58.600 – 00:21:00.250] Change, I must, or die, I will.

[00:21:00.250 – 00:21:02.320] What I gotta change, old asshole timer?

[00:21:02.320 – 00:21:07.590] He said, “Everything, Charles, everything, ’cause everything about you is messed up.” He didn’t say it like that.

[00:21:07.590 – 00:21:09.030] I, I used nice words today.

[00:21:09.030 – 00:21:09.870] You know?

[00:21:09.870 – 00:21:16.690] He said, “You just don’t know how messed up you are, do you?” And, and, and, and, and like I said, they didn’t use these soft words I’m using.

[00:21:16.690 – 00:21:18.110] They was direct with me.

[00:21:18.110 – 00:21:19.990] They hurt a brother.

[00:21:19.990 – 00:21:20.510] You know what I mean?

[00:21:20.510 – 00:21:22.790] ‘Cause I didn’t wanna let them know I didn’t like that.

[00:21:22.790 – 00:21:23.370] That hurt.

[00:21:23.370 – 00:21:24.050] You know what I mean?

[00:21:24.050 – 00:21:24.970] ‘Cause I’m a thug.

[00:21:24.970 – 00:21:25.540] I’m tough.

[00:21:25.540 – 00:21:28.170] Man, they broke that toughness on me, y’all.

[00:21:28.170 – 00:21:28.900] You know what I mean?

[00:21:28.900 – 00:21:31.110] They shook me, man, to the core because you know what?

[00:21:31.110 – 00:21:33.970] They were saying some stuff that actually made some damn sense.

[00:21:33.970 – 00:21:37.850] See, they wasn’t saying the shit these niggas out in the street be saying to me, that I be like, “Yeah, what?

[00:21:37.850 – 00:21:38.670] Bring it.

[00:21:38.670 – 00:21:42.890] You know what you gonna get.” No, they were saying stuff that might help to save my life.

[00:21:42.890 – 00:21:46.810] Wow, that shit pissed me off.

[00:21:46.810 – 00:21:47.370] You know what I mean?

[00:21:47.370 – 00:21:49.130] Why would you care about me?

[00:21:49.130 – 00:21:50.130] You don’t know me.

[00:21:50.130 – 00:21:51.670] You know?

[00:21:51.670 – 00:21:54.490] And I, see, I, I, I, I’m gonna rewind the videotape.

[00:21:54.490 – 00:21:58.790] The first meeting I ever went to, y’all, this is the scary part about this.

[00:21:58.790 – 00:22:10.230] The first meeting I ever went to was in the basement of Pittsburgh Catholic Church, and I went through, and this lady opened the door, and she said, “Hi, what’s your name?” I said, “Charles.” She said, “This

[00:22:10.230 – 00:22:20.190] is Charles.” Everybody turned and said, “Hi, Charles.” And I was like, “Where the bathroom at?” Foom, I was gone ’cause, see, everybody in there that was old, they was white, and they was smoking cigarettes.

[00:22:20.190 – 00:22:22.770] And I was like, “I can’t be an alcoholic.” You know what I mean?

[00:22:22.770 – 00:22:23.710] I don’t fit none of that.

[00:22:23.710 – 00:22:24.050] You know?

[00:22:24.050 – 00:22:25.730] I ran out the back door.

[00:22:25.730 – 00:22:26.490] You know?

[00:22:26.490 – 00:22:30.350] See, I wasn’t paying attention to what the, what was going on there, man.

[00:22:30.350 – 00:22:34.730] I was just looking at, you know, I need to be somewhere where I see people like me.

[00:22:34.730 – 00:22:37.050] They didn’t look like me, so they can’t help me.

[00:22:37.050 – 00:22:37.180] Yeah.

[00:22:37.180 – 00:22:42.610] The second time it came around, it had been two years, I was hanging around with people like me.

[00:22:42.610 – 00:22:43.629] Guess what?

[00:22:43.629 – 00:22:46.710] People like me helped me to drink again.

[00:22:46.710 – 00:22:47.550] You know what I mean?

[00:22:47.550 – 00:22:49.250] ‘Cause see, I don’t want nobody like me.

[00:22:49.250 – 00:22:52.990] I wanna change, so why would I come in a place wanting people like me?

[00:22:52.990 – 00:22:54.170] You know, I’m fucked up.

[00:22:54.170 – 00:23:02.910] As the old-timers told me, “You’re fucked up ’til you get right.” And I didn’t want to, but I wanted, I wanted the, I wanted the, the joy that I seen them in their faces.

[00:23:02.910 – 00:23:03.340] You know what I mean?

[00:23:03.340 – 00:23:06.730] You can’t be that damn happy at eight o’clock every night.

[00:23:06.730 – 00:23:07.610] You know what I mean?

[00:23:07.610 – 00:23:08.870] Come on, dog.

[00:23:08.870 – 00:23:10.230] Something’s got to be on.

[00:23:10.230 – 00:23:10.749] You know what I mean?

[00:23:10.749 – 00:23:11.910] But they were.

[00:23:11.910 – 00:23:12.790] You know?

[00:23:12.790 – 00:23:13.370] They were.

[00:23:13.370 – 00:23:19.910] You know, when they talked with each other, man, and laughed about that, I was like, “I wanna be an old-timer.” So I wanted to take the easy route.

[00:23:19.910 – 00:23:26.130] I wanted to like, when people went out, I wanted to see if I could have their time, you know, and just put together a bunch of years again real fast.

[00:23:26.130 – 00:23:27.829] They was like, “It don’t work like that, boy.

[00:23:27.829 – 00:23:30.810] You get them one day at a time.” I said, “I understand.

[00:23:30.810 – 00:23:32.390] Okay.” You know?

[00:23:32.390 – 00:23:41.350] I, um, I was terrified, man, to come back in the rooms and tell them after them two years of me being this big AA type of dude that I had messed up, yo.

[00:23:41.350 – 00:23:42.440] You know what I mean?

[00:23:42.440 – 00:23:45.990] That pride and ego wouldn’t let me say, “I need some help.

[00:23:45.990 – 00:23:48.660] I did not do nothing right.” You know what I mean?

[00:23:48.660 – 00:23:50.690] So I, I, I tucked it.

[00:23:50.690 – 00:23:54.290] I tucked it like a true soldier would, like an ass.

[00:23:54.290 – 00:23:56.130] I tucked it for, what was it?

[00:23:56.130 – 00:23:57.070] Twelve years.

[00:23:57.070 – 00:23:58.930] You know, I left in ’95.

[00:23:58.930 – 00:24:00.810] I didn’t make it back here till ’06.

[00:24:00.810 – 00:24:05.830] By the grace of God, and only by the grace of God, I was alive.

[00:24:05.830 – 00:24:07.370] I was still alive.

[00:24:07.370 – 00:24:09.070] I didn’t deserve to be alive.

[00:24:09.070 – 00:24:14.330] I did not do anything to be alive, but I was alive, and you know what I had to do?

[00:24:14.330 – 00:24:16.110] I had to start understanding something.

[00:24:16.110 – 00:24:17.350] Do I wanna live in that life?

[00:24:17.350 – 00:24:20.090] Do I wanna stay in this body that I’m in?

[00:24:20.090 – 00:24:23.830] ‘Cause when I looked in the mirror and I seen myself, I was at a liquor house.

[00:24:23.830 – 00:24:25.190] I came to.

[00:24:25.190 – 00:24:26.500] I didn’t, I didn’t wake up.

[00:24:26.500 – 00:24:36.750] I came to at a liquor house that by grace of God ran out of liquor, and this was my mans, but I was the acting fool in his house, turning over shit, telling him he ain’t allowed to run out of liquor in a liquor house.

[00:24:36.750 – 00:24:38.790] It’s his dang on establishment.

[00:24:38.790 – 00:24:39.570] You know?

[00:24:39.570 – 00:24:44.050] I was fortunate he allowed me to dang on black out at his crib, but I wanna make a fool of him.

[00:24:44.050 – 00:24:44.930] You know?

[00:24:44.930 – 00:24:48.850] When he ran upstairs, I thought he was going to get the secret stash ’cause you know everybody keep a secret stash.

[00:24:48.850 – 00:24:50.730] No, he was going up to get an equalizer.

[00:24:50.730 – 00:24:58.970] I was going out of his house, but by the grace of God, man, I seen that mirror first in the bathroom, and I looked at me for the last time like that.

[00:24:58.970 – 00:25:03.750] I did not wanna be that dude, so that dude had to die some way, somehow.

[00:25:03.750 – 00:25:04.470] You know?

[00:25:04.470 – 00:25:06.470] Fortunately, I fell to my knees.

[00:25:06.470 – 00:25:09.250] I said, “God, please, I can’t do this.

[00:25:09.250 – 00:25:16.710] I cannot do this.” Boom, next thing I know, I get up real quick ’cause I don’t want nobody to know, “Hey, you know, I just prayed a little bit.” You know what I mean?

[00:25:16.710 – 00:25:18.330] Teared up somewhat, you know.

[00:25:18.330 – 00:25:21.900] So I get up and I go, “Ain’t nobody in the liquor house but me,” you know what I mean?

[00:25:21.900 – 00:25:25.950] I go to the door, man, and I open the door, and next thing I know, I’m getting pushed out the door.

[00:25:25.950 – 00:25:35.350] So I’m thinking it’s homeboy, so I’m about to say something to it, and I turn around, there was nobody there, and it scared me so bad ’cause I know I was pushed, that I just kept on moving.

[00:25:35.350 – 00:25:36.780] I kept on moving.

[00:25:36.780 – 00:25:38.810] I walked for the longest time, man.

[00:25:38.810 – 00:25:46.690] I c- went to, um, a corner, went in there and got a pack of cigarettes and a beer, and when I got the pack of cigarettes and a beer, I was like, “This man offered you a beer.

[00:25:46.690 – 00:25:51.310] You acted a fool ’cause it wasn’t liquor, and now you went and spent money and got you a beer.

[00:25:51.310 – 00:25:52.470] You’re a ass.

[00:25:52.470 – 00:25:57.570] You’re just an ass,” as I’m walking and talking to myself and, and sipping on this damn beer.

[00:25:57.570 – 00:26:00.930] Next thing I know, I’m walking up a hill towards recovery.

[00:26:00.930 – 00:26:03.450] I know it’s towards recovery because the hospital is that way.

[00:26:03.450 – 00:26:05.370] See, all the dang gone action is that way.

[00:26:05.370 – 00:26:06.390] I know which way to go.

[00:26:06.390 – 00:26:07.510] I’m going this way.

[00:26:07.510 – 00:26:08.440] Why?

[00:26:08.440 – 00:26:09.270] Why am I going this way?

[00:26:09.270 – 00:26:11.270] And I’m starting to talk to myself out loud.

[00:26:11.270 – 00:26:12.230] “What am I going here for?

[00:26:12.230 – 00:26:13.590] Am I, am I really gonna get it?

[00:26:13.590 – 00:26:23.590] Am I, am I going for recovery?” And I looked at that can of beer and I threw it down, and I took two more steps and I thought, “Wow, if I’m going for recovery, that’s the last

[00:26:23.590 – 00:26:24.869] drink I’m gonna ever have.

[00:26:24.869 – 00:26:29.690] I better finish it.” And I turned to go get it, and I couldn’t even turn around.

[00:26:29.690 – 00:26:34.790] I could not turn around, and when I couldn’t turn around, all bets off, y’all.

[00:26:34.790 – 00:26:36.650] I knew something was happening right there.

[00:26:36.650 – 00:26:38.590] It was not me, but I was going with it.

[00:26:38.590 – 00:26:40.070] I was going with it.

[00:26:40.070 – 00:26:46.330] The next blessing that happened is I get there, man, and you know, it takes too long to get it, you know, the, for them to intake you.

[00:26:46.330 – 00:26:47.890] So I, I had an excuse.

[00:26:47.890 – 00:26:52.509] “If it takes a long time, I’m out.” You know me, ’cause I got a pocket full of money, I can do some things.

[00:26:52.509 – 00:26:55.890] This is the fastest intake I ever had in my life, y’all.

[00:26:55.890 – 00:26:56.890] When they said, “Okay, Mr.

[00:26:56.890 – 00:27:05.450] Brown, everything’s fine,” I was like, “Damn, what is going on here?” Then I called my job to resign because all right, I, I’m going here for 14 days.

[00:27:05.450 – 00:27:06.730] There, I could keep my job.

[00:27:06.730 – 00:27:09.050] I called my job, told them, “I, I got a drinking problem.

[00:27:09.050 – 00:27:09.540] I’m gonna be right there.

[00:27:09.540 – 00:27:11.190] Go get me some help.” “Great, Charles.

[00:27:11.190 – 00:27:11.870] Wonderful.

[00:27:11.870 – 00:27:13.030] Everything will be great, man.

[00:27:13.030 – 00:27:16.590] We’ll be here.” So I was pissed off that my job said that.

[00:27:16.590 – 00:27:17.690] You know?

[00:27:17.690 – 00:27:18.730] How dare you?

[00:27:18.730 – 00:27:20.110] You think I got a drinking problem?

[00:27:20.110 – 00:27:28.990] I went through, um, I went through the 14 days, man, and, um, the first three days, by the grace of God, man, they had to medicate me real bad.

[00:27:28.990 – 00:27:32.030] I was apparently walking around a stroke victim, you know what I mean?

[00:27:32.030 – 00:27:37.130] Because my alcohol had totally incapacitated my body, you know.

[00:27:37.130 – 00:27:39.070] It was more alcohol than blood, they said.

[00:27:39.070 – 00:27:48.030] But, um, so they, they had me medicated pretty heavy, but the third day, I remember coming to and people were walking out of the place and I’m wiping my mouth and I’m trying to figure out, where are they going?

[00:27:48.030 – 00:27:57.840] And, uh, the girl beside me, she goes, “Charles, they’re leaving.” I said, “What were they here for?” She said, “They brought a meeting.” I said, “Why didn’t you wake me up for it?” And she said, “There’s no waking you up, Charles.

[00:27:57.840 – 00:28:07.870] That medicine got you all messed up.” And I was like, “Wow.” So I went to the dang gone desk and I told the nurse, I said, “I need y’all to cut my medicine back because I need to know why I’m

[00:28:07.870 – 00:28:08.270] here, y’all.

[00:28:08.270 – 00:28:14.370] I got 14 days to figure out something, and I need to know what to do.” And she was like, “Well, we’ll see.

[00:28:14.370 – 00:28:16.930] We’ll talk.” I said, “I don’t give a damn whether you see or not.

[00:28:16.930 – 00:28:27.030] Either cut it or I’m not gonna take it, ’cause I wanna know whether or not I’m dang gone live, and I’m not gonna know it if I keep on coming to after the people that’s gonna help me leave.” So she looked

[00:28:27.030 – 00:28:30.610] at me like, “What the fuck are you saying to me?” “You trying to get recovery?

[00:28:30.610 – 00:28:37.550] Okay.” Next morning, my medicine was cut, and that next meeting was a Friday, and I’ll never forget, this lady came in and she had a…

[00:28:37.550 – 00:28:45.750] She was in a wheelchair, y’all, with oxygen to the Friday night meeting, and I thought to myself, “What in the hell is she doing here?

[00:28:45.750 – 00:28:47.990] She got all that going on.

[00:28:47.990 – 00:28:52.030] Why is she here?” See, she wasn’t here for, for me.

[00:28:52.030 – 00:28:53.410] She was here for herself.

[00:28:53.410 – 00:28:54.490] But you know what?

[00:28:54.490 – 00:28:58.210] For herself, she was willing to come out to a meeting with all that going on.

[00:28:58.210 – 00:29:00.750] See, I, I quit when a whole bunch of shit’s going on.

[00:29:00.750 – 00:29:01.570] You know what I mean?

[00:29:01.570 – 00:29:03.550] Damn, that roughen it, you know?

[00:29:03.550 – 00:29:06.070] But this lady showed me something that night, y’all.

[00:29:06.070 – 00:29:09.450] I never forgot that lady, and I still know her real good today.

[00:29:09.450 – 00:29:11.570] You know, and she’s got like 20-something years.

[00:29:11.570 – 00:29:17.950] Um, that sparked something in me, a desire in me that, that has never left yet.

[00:29:17.950 – 00:29:20.290] I do not ever wanna drink again.

[00:29:20.290 – 00:29:23.989] I can’t say if I will or not, but I do not want to.

[00:29:23.989 – 00:29:30.350] I don’t get a desire to drink, and I like that, but I have dreams a lot of time of shit going on, you know?

[00:29:30.350 – 00:29:34.050] But when I come to, I’m not like, “Oh God, should I drink?” No.

[00:29:34.050 – 00:29:34.570] Fuck no.

[00:29:34.570 – 00:29:35.470] I know I didn’t drink.

[00:29:35.470 – 00:29:38.190] But damn it, I just had that dang gone drinky drink, you know?

[00:29:38.190 – 00:29:40.380] Read or do something, pray, you know what I mean?

[00:29:40.380 – 00:29:41.970] Get that off of me, you know?

[00:29:41.970 – 00:29:45.750] But I ain’t gotta be scared about it ’cause I know I don’t wanna drink, and I’m not gonna drink it.

[00:29:45.750 – 00:29:48.790] I don’t put myself in no position to drink, you know.

[00:29:48.790 – 00:29:52.750] What I do today is I, um, you know, I do a lot of praying, y’all.

[00:29:52.750 – 00:29:54.130] You know, I read the big book.

[00:29:54.130 – 00:30:04.130] John said something that, that’s funny ’cause the old timers say a lot of times, “Boy, you got some knowledge for not reading that book as good as you should.” And I’ll be like, “Oh, you know, I ain’t

[00:30:04.130 – 00:30:05.690] reading the book as good as I should,” you know.

[00:30:05.690 – 00:30:08.130] “‘Cause you got excerpts out of it.” You know what I mean?

[00:30:08.130 – 00:30:12.950] “You remember some good shit, and then you compliment on it.” And I was like, “Oh my God,” so.

[00:30:12.950 – 00:30:14.930] You know, I started reading the book, you know what I mean?

[00:30:14.930 – 00:30:15.570] And guess what?

[00:30:15.570 – 00:30:18.010] There’s a lot of stuff in that book.

[00:30:18.010 – 00:30:19.390] You know what I mean?

[00:30:19.390 – 00:30:21.410] And a lot of that stuff is about me.

[00:30:21.410 – 00:30:23.750] I said, “I’ll be damned,” you know.

[00:30:23.750 – 00:30:26.710] How you gonna write a book about me back in 19 what?

[00:30:26.710 – 00:30:30.140] 1935, ’42, I think the first edition came out.

[00:30:30.140 – 00:30:31.530] How you gonna write a book about me?

[00:30:31.530 – 00:30:32.590] You didn’t even know me then.

[00:30:32.590 – 00:30:37.730] You didn’t know I was in a project, I was gonna drink when Nu Nu took my candy, but you put all that in there.

[00:30:37.730 – 00:30:40.230] You told me all the feelings I was gonna have.

[00:30:40.230 – 00:30:42.970] You told me all the ways I was gonna go about things.

[00:30:42.970 – 00:30:43.990] How you do this?

[00:30:43.990 – 00:30:54.260] I said, “My, my wife must have had somebody send something back dang gone, you know, in time, and they got it, and they said, ‘Man, Charles is gonna be here, so let’s go ahead and write about him.'” You

[00:30:54.260 – 00:30:54.390] know?

[00:30:54.390 – 00:30:59.170] But what they wrote about in there, man, they wrote about the alcoholic, which I didn’t know I was.

[00:30:59.170 – 00:31:04.790] I found out in that last treatment facility the actual disease that I have of alcoholism.

[00:31:04.790 – 00:31:06.570] I got a disease, man, you know.

[00:31:06.570 – 00:31:07.550] And guess what?

[00:31:07.550 – 00:31:10.009] If I don’t drink, I won’t get drunk.

[00:31:10.009 – 00:31:12.194] Just that simple.

[00:31:12.194 – 00:31:14.554] Okay, but what do I do when shit happens, y’all?

[00:31:14.554 – 00:31:18.674] What do I do, man, when, when those things that used to take place, take place again?

[00:31:18.674 – 00:31:20.014] This is what I need to know.

[00:31:20.014 – 00:31:21.214] “Hey, it’s in the book.

[00:31:21.214 – 00:31:24.014] Read it.” I was like, “Kiss my nose,” you know?

[00:31:24.014 – 00:31:28.984] I got a sponsor, man, because I used to get dudes, and I, I…

[00:31:28.984 – 00:31:34.474] People like my man right there, and they go, “That’s your sponsor?” I say, “Yeah, him.” “What’s his name?” “Hm.

[00:31:34.474 – 00:31:37.774] I don’t know.” They said, “Yeah, you gotta have a sponsor.

[00:31:37.774 – 00:31:39.094] You gotta know his name, Charles.

[00:31:39.094 – 00:31:44.294] The only way you’re gonna know his name is you gonna have to call him.” I was like, “Damn, okay.” You know?

[00:31:44.294 – 00:31:46.314] But I didn’t wanna call no dudes, man.

[00:31:46.314 – 00:31:47.314] You know what I mean?

[00:31:47.314 – 00:31:48.554] What’s that gonna look like?

[00:31:48.554 – 00:31:51.244] Me calling a dude late at night on the phone.

[00:31:51.244 – 00:31:52.374] I’m hurting.

[00:31:52.374 – 00:31:55.574] You know?

[00:31:55.574 – 00:31:56.894] How you gonna help me?

[00:31:56.894 – 00:31:57.834] You know?

[00:31:57.834 – 00:32:01.974] And then you gonna come to the meeting next day and say, “You know, Charles called last night.

[00:32:01.974 – 00:32:03.314] He was hurting.” You know?

[00:32:03.314 – 00:32:05.514] And then everybody’s pulling when I come to the next meeting.

[00:32:05.514 – 00:32:07.364] That’s what I thought, you know.

[00:32:07.364 – 00:32:08.114] But you know what?

[00:32:08.114 – 00:32:10.294] I had to let my ego out the way, ’cause you know what?

[00:32:10.294 – 00:32:12.914] I wanna live today, so I had to call y’all, you know.

[00:32:12.914 – 00:32:13.644] And you know what?

[00:32:13.644 – 00:32:15.774] It was hard, man, because I didn’t know what to say.

[00:32:15.774 – 00:32:22.654] You know, I could call a, I can call a female at any given time and find something to say, but a dude, hey, you know.

[00:32:22.654 – 00:32:27.394] Thinking about, you know, doing some- doing a deal or something, you know, it’s gotta be about sports.

[00:32:27.394 – 00:32:29.054] Otherwise, I ain’t got no conversation.

[00:32:29.054 – 00:32:31.294] What I found out is I had plenty of conversation.

[00:32:31.294 – 00:32:33.854] I just didn’t wanna really use it, you know.

[00:32:33.854 – 00:32:41.074] I’m really a student of a lot of things, but I just didn’t wanna use it because, you know, I was too busy daggone taking care of me and my…

[00:32:41.074 – 00:32:44.634] Me at that time was my alcoholism, you know.

[00:32:44.634 – 00:32:53.954] So when I got that alcoholism out of the way, man, another person came out, you know, the true me, which I did not realize, man, that there was another me inside.

[00:32:53.954 – 00:32:56.454] I thought it was that dude that walked in here in ’06.

[00:32:56.454 – 00:32:58.334] Them old-timers broke that dude.

[00:32:58.334 – 00:33:00.894] They told me, you know, this old lady, she…

[00:33:00.894 – 00:33:03.454] I love her, man, but Sandra, she done passed away.

[00:33:03.454 – 00:33:07.534] But Miss A said, “Charles, can I talk to you outside?” I said, “Yes, ma’am.

[00:33:07.534 – 00:33:11.294] What is it?” She said, “You ain’t no thug.” You know what?

[00:33:11.294 – 00:33:17.534] That made me feel good, you know, because, see, I wanted to keep that because I felt that it was part of who I am.

[00:33:17.534 – 00:33:19.614] But they told me, “No,” you know.

[00:33:19.614 – 00:33:22.254] “Drop all that bullshit, Charles,” you know.

[00:33:22.254 – 00:33:23.174] “Recover.

[00:33:23.174 – 00:33:33.314] Recover.” You know, I told my sponsor, I said, “I don’t really like talking.” He said, “You’ll get, you’ll get used to talking, Charles, when you stop lying.” I said, “What?

[00:33:33.314 – 00:33:40.124] Who told you I lied?” You know what I mean?

[00:33:40.124 – 00:33:42.294] Who’s, who’s telling?

[00:33:42.294 – 00:33:43.334] You know.

[00:33:43.334 – 00:33:45.214] But it, it, you know, you…

[00:33:45.214 – 00:33:46.174] We telling ourselves.

[00:33:46.174 – 00:33:47.954] We telling ourselves, you know.

[00:33:47.954 – 00:33:53.434] So when the old-timers, they spit so much stuff at me, I was like a catcher.

[00:33:53.434 – 00:33:54.603] Boom, boom, boom.

[00:33:54.603 – 00:33:55.994] I was trying to catch it all, man.

[00:33:55.994 – 00:33:56.694] But you know what?

[00:33:56.694 – 00:33:59.714] I couldn’t catch it, but I had to retain a little bit of each time.

[00:33:59.714 – 00:34:06.074] And each time, man, when they, when they sent me back to that book, I really went there to look at what they’re telling me, to see in me.

[00:34:06.074 – 00:34:08.634] You know, when they say, “Charles, go to forty-four and read.

[00:34:08.634 – 00:34:18.574] Charles, go to eighty-eight and read,” you know, not only do I go there, but I wanna know what I’m supposed to find in this they’re telling me, ’cause it’s dealing with something that I said out my mouth.

[00:34:18.574 – 00:34:23.694] It’s dealing with some kind of action I presented in them rooms, you know.

[00:34:23.694 – 00:34:28.414] I hated the fact that, you know, you people called me a whore.

[00:34:28.414 – 00:34:30.314] I’m no whore.

[00:34:30.314 – 00:34:31.494] I’m a player.

[00:34:31.494 – 00:34:32.434] I love women.

[00:34:32.434 – 00:34:37.414] That’s okay, “But you’re married, Charles, twenty years.” Oof.

[00:34:37.414 – 00:34:38.934] Hurt me.

[00:34:38.934 – 00:34:40.054] You know what I mean?

[00:34:40.054 – 00:34:42.634] So they taught me how to be a man up in here too, y’all.

[00:34:42.634 – 00:34:47.054] I’d never knew that I wasn’t a man, all the shit I done done, you know.

[00:34:47.054 – 00:34:48.854] Can’t be nothing but a man doing that.

[00:34:48.854 – 00:34:52.034] No, a man takes care of responsibilities, you know.

[00:34:52.034 – 00:34:54.414] A man’s supposed to be home when a man’s supposed to be home.

[00:34:54.414 – 00:34:56.934] You know, I spent more time in the streets than I did with my family.

[00:34:56.934 – 00:35:00.014] It’s by the grace of God and only His grace that I still have a wife.

[00:35:00.014 – 00:35:00.954] You know what I mean?

[00:35:00.954 – 00:35:03.074] I would’ve left me, you know.

[00:35:03.074 – 00:35:05.054] And she said, “I wanted to.

[00:35:05.054 – 00:35:09.174] I really did.” She said, “But I knew there was something in there good.

[00:35:09.174 – 00:35:12.614] It’s the same dude that I met.” See, I met my wife sober.

[00:35:12.614 – 00:35:17.434] So you know what, what it was like that day when I left to get my boy and came home.

[00:35:17.434 – 00:35:19.414] All hell from that point on, you know.

[00:35:19.414 – 00:35:20.574] But she stuck in there.

[00:35:20.574 – 00:35:22.654] She, she made that ride with me the whole time.

[00:35:22.654 – 00:35:25.134] And by that, man, I’m truly, I’m truly blessed, man.

[00:35:25.134 – 00:35:32.334] I’m blessed that y’all were in these rooms for me when I didn’t wanna be here, and I’m blessed that y’all were in these rooms when I came back wanting to be here.

[00:35:32.334 – 00:35:38.094] I’m truly blessed that you guys said some things that hurt my feelings but said it ’cause you cared about me.

[00:35:38.094 – 00:35:41.214] Old-timer told me, he said, “Charles, I could give a damn about your feelings.

[00:35:41.214 – 00:35:44.704] I wanna save your life.” I said, “I’ll be damned.

[00:35:44.704 – 00:35:47.514] That’s all right, cuz.” You know what I mean?

[00:35:47.514 – 00:35:48.314] I like that.

[00:35:48.314 – 00:35:50.373] You know, I appreciate that.

[00:35:50.373 – 00:35:55.594] You know, I love the day, man, that, you know, they say, you know, the newcomer’s the most important thing.

[00:35:55.594 – 00:35:57.854] Y’all better believe it, you know.

[00:35:57.854 – 00:36:00.774] If you’re fresh, if you’re new, I’m gonna tell you, thank you for being here.

[00:36:00.774 – 00:36:02.694] If you’re struggling, it’s all right.

[00:36:02.694 – 00:36:04.854] We struggled too, you know what I mean?

[00:36:04.854 – 00:36:07.634] The greatest part about this, this too shall pass.

[00:36:07.634 – 00:36:11.184] But see, they told me I gotta stay around one day at a time to find out.

[00:36:11.184 – 00:36:19.394] So I said, “When am I finally gonna get enough meetings in me that I don’t gotta come to meetings?” Old-timer really fucked me up with this.

[00:36:19.394 – 00:36:22.794] He said, “Charles, how long did you drink?” I said, “Geez.

[00:36:22.794 – 00:36:26.914] Woo.” He said, “All right,” and walked off.

[00:36:26.914 – 00:36:29.794] So I had to figure out what the hell that meant now, you know.

[00:36:29.794 – 00:36:38.534] So he said, you know, “As much as you drank, that’s how much you need to go to meetings.” And I drank every goddamn day, sometimes twice a day if I passed out.

[00:36:38.534 – 00:36:40.454] So that’s what I had to do.

[00:36:40.454 – 00:36:42.854] I had to come to meetings like that, you know what I mean?

[00:36:42.854 – 00:36:43.574] And I do.

[00:36:43.574 – 00:36:46.874] And it’s, it’s to the point now where meetings don’t never trouble me.

[00:36:46.874 – 00:36:53.514] I’m never like, “Oh, man, there’s a meeting I gotta go to.” Bruh, I, I love it, ’cause I love to meet somebody new.

[00:36:53.514 – 00:36:58.994] I love to share experience, strength, and hope ’cause I never know what I’m gonna get, and I never know who’s gonna give it to me.

[00:36:58.994 – 00:36:59.844] You know what I mean?

[00:36:59.844 – 00:37:00.674] I…

[00:37:00.674 – 00:37:04.374] When they say don’t leave five minutes before or five minutes after, I understand that today.

[00:37:04.374 – 00:37:05.214] You know what I mean?

[00:37:05.214 – 00:37:13.294] But a lot of these things that you’re gonna hear if you’re new and that you’re still hearing, it sh- it too shall come to pass, man.

[00:37:13.294 – 00:37:15.294] This thing is a beautiful thing.

[00:37:15.294 – 00:37:17.574] This fellowship is wonderful.

[00:37:17.574 – 00:37:23.854] I thank y’all so much for allowing God to bring me back to y’all so y’all can get me back to Him.

[00:37:23.854 – 00:37:25.294] Woo, that was a hell of a journey.

[00:37:25.294 – 00:37:29.074] But boy, I was worth every bit of the ride, you know.

[00:37:29.074 – 00:37:38.914] I survived only by His grace, man, and I stay alive today, man, to do anything I can, man, to be of service to Him daily for the grace He gave me by letting me meet y’all.

[00:37:38.914 – 00:37:40.074] Thanks for letting me share.

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