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const vttText = “WEBVTTnn1n00:00:01.219 –> 00:00:02.500nYou guys mind if I, uh, take this off?nn2n00:00:02.500 –> 00:00:03.560nNo, go ahead.nn3n00:00:03.560 –> 00:00:04.349nTake it off.nn4n00:00:04.349 –> 00:00:04.349nKeep going.nn5n00:00:04.349 –> 00:00:06.000nTake it all off.nn6n00:00:06.000 –> 00:00:10.980nIt’s always wondering when there’s a guy who’s saying that.nn7n00:00:10.980 –> 00:00:18.140nThat’s funny, that same guy bought me dinner tonight also.nn8n00:00:18.140 –> 00:00:22.089nOh.nn9n00:00:22.089 –> 00:00:25.929nSo anyway.nn10n00:00:25.929 –> 00:00:26.480nSorry, guys.nn11n00:00:26.480 –> 00:00:31.300nUh, my name’s Jared.nn12n00:00:31.300 –> 00:00:32.460nI’m a recovered alcoholic.nn13n00:00:32.460 –> 00:00:33.409nHi, Jared.nn14n00:00:33.409 –> 00:00:34.020nHey, guys.nn15n00:00:34.020 –> 00:00:35.799nIt’s, uh, it’s, it’s great to be here.nn16n00:00:35.799 –> 00:00:38.859nI’m, uh, so grateful I didn’t drink today.nn17n00:00:38.859 –> 00:00:44.539nUh, there’s a lot more people that are, um, a lot more grateful that I didn’t drink today.nn18n00:00:44.539 –> 00:00:47.060nAnd, um, I’m just happy to be here.nn19n00:00:47.060 –> 00:00:55.920nIt’s funny, I had deja vu coming up here ’cause I realized that I was in this room, uh, couple anniversaries ago for, uh, one of my buddies who was speaking up here.nn20n00:00:55.920 –> 00:01:03.079nAnd, um, it was just a, it was such a, a, in- the enthusiasm here was so cool.nn21n00:01:03.079 –> 00:01:13.079nAnd, um, I know some of the guys who were, uh, instrumental in putting together this group and, um, you know, it’s, it’s so cool that we get to do this,nn22n00:01:13.079 –> 00:01:13.239nyou know.nn23n00:01:13.239 –> 00:01:18.040nIt’s just an absolute testament to, uh, to God and to Alcoholics Anonymous.nn24n00:01:18.040 –> 00:01:21.640nUh, my sobriety date’s October 19th, 2003.nn25n00:01:21.640 –> 00:01:24.400nMy sponsor is, uh, Chris S.nn26n00:01:24.400 –> 00:01:25.599nHe lives down in Jersey.nn27n00:01:25.599 –> 00:01:29.319nHe was actually supposed to speak tonight, and, uh, he had the flu.nn28n00:01:29.319 –> 00:01:39.420nUh, so I called him up and said, “Do you need a Snuggie or, you know, something I could, uh, get for you, maybe some chicken soup?” He didn’t think that was funny, but, uh, he did say, “You arenn29n00:01:39.420 –> 00:01:43.500nspeaking at a group anniversary tonight,” and, uh- So laughs on me.nn30n00:01:43.500 –> 00:01:51.680nUm, but you know, at any time that Alcoholics Anonymous asks me to, uh, to, to show up and do service, I never say no.nn31n00:01:51.680 –> 00:01:54.890nI, uh, I love Alcoholics Anonymous.nn32n00:01:54.890 –> 00:01:58.040nUm, Alcoholics Anonymous is my life.nn33n00:01:58.040 –> 00:01:59.819nIt’s who I am.nn34n00:01:59.819 –> 00:02:00.939nIt’s what I breathe.nn35n00:02:00.939 –> 00:02:06.739nIt’s what I, it’s what I, it’s what I wanna do, uh, for the rest of my life.nn36n00:02:06.739 –> 00:02:11.960nUm, you know, I hear a lot of people, you know, say like, “Oh, you know, AA is just one thing, you know.nn37n00:02:11.960 –> 00:02:13.219nI’m this guy.nn38n00:02:13.219 –> 00:02:14.169nI, I do this.nn39n00:02:14.169 –> 00:02:21.020nThis is my professional career.” Yeah, AA’s somewhere around there, you know, but AA is who I am today.nn40n00:02:21.020 –> 00:02:30.219nAnd because of guys who understood what was in this book and who was armed with the facts, thank God I’m standing here today.nn41n00:02:30.219 –> 00:02:40.659nUm, you know, like, uh, obviously you could tell, uh, I look a little young and, uh- I celebratednn42n00:02:40.659 –> 00:02:50.289nmy, uh, my 30th birthday last week, and, uh, I’m, I’m coming up on, uh, coming up, uh, almost on double-digit sobriety, so you could do the math, right?nn43n00:02:50.289 –> 00:02:51.400nI came in here early.nn44n00:02:51.400 –> 00:02:59.199nSo for some of you young folks, right, um, you know, definitely, uh, listen up, you know, ’cause this is where it’s at, you know?nn45n00:02:59.199 –> 00:03:02.599nAnd, and but that wasn’t my, that wasn’t my experience in the beginning.nn46n00:03:02.599 –> 00:03:04.219nMy experience in the beginning was a little different.nn47n00:03:04.219 –> 00:03:14.599nMy experience was, uh, you know, I live up in Rockland County, and I used to go up to meetings up there, and people used to say, you know, like, “You know, I used to spill more than you drink.”nn48n00:03:14.599 –> 00:03:17.919nAnd you know, that, you know, like all this, like, nonsense.nn49n00:03:17.919 –> 00:03:23.639nAnd, and, and I always used to say, “Well, if you weren’t spilling your drink, maybe you’d get to AA sooner,” you know?nn50n00:03:23.639 –> 00:03:28.819nI mean, that, that was my, that was my response to ha- you know, to those guys, you know.nn51n00:03:28.819 –> 00:03:31.000nAnd, uh, I’m the real alcoholic.nn52n00:03:31.000 –> 00:03:34.099nI’m the real alcoholic that they talk about in this book, Alcoholics Anonymous.nn53n00:03:34.099 –> 00:03:35.379nI’m the real McCoy.nn54n00:03:35.379 –> 00:03:45.419nAnd, um, you know, and i- if you’re just, you know, here to, you know, get the heat off or, you know, get mom or dad or the, you know, the husband or the wife back off your back, you know,nn55n00:03:45.419 –> 00:03:45.900nawesome.nn56n00:03:45.900 –> 00:03:46.800nYou know, that’s cool.nn57n00:03:46.800 –> 00:03:53.500nWe’ll, we’ll chat and, and we’ll hang out, but just, just don’t sponsor anybody just quite yet, you know.nn58n00:03:53.500 –> 00:03:55.379nWe’ll, uh, we’ll, we’ll talk about that later.nn59n00:03:55.379 –> 00:04:05.419nSo, um, I’ll tell you really quick, um, my uh, by the age of 19 years old,nn60n00:04:05.419 –> 00:04:12.280nI was sleeping on a park bench over, uh, over the bridge in, uh, Flatbush, Brooklyn on Avenue T and Ocean Parkway.nn61n00:04:12.280 –> 00:04:16.680nAnd, um, I came from a great home.nn62n00:04:16.680 –> 00:04:26.740nI came from a great family, and I don’t, I don’t know how I got there, you know, because it was everybody else’s fault my entire life of why I was doing the things that I wasnn63n00:04:26.740 –> 00:04:27.079ndoing.nn64n00:04:27.079 –> 00:04:28.360nIt was never the booze.nn65n00:04:28.360 –> 00:04:33.459nIt was never, uh, it was never the, uh, the, the drugs, uh, you know.nn66n00:04:33.459 –> 00:04:37.160nIt was everything else that was the problem, you know.nn67n00:04:37.160 –> 00:04:40.160nAnd I know there’s a couple, uh, drug addicts in here.nn68n00:04:40.160 –> 00:04:40.720nThat’s okay.nn69n00:04:40.720 –> 00:04:42.060nYou know, you guys, we can hang out.nn70n00:04:42.060 –> 00:04:52.079nSo, um- And so it was just everything else, and by that time, I’ll tell you, uh, my life was just, um, I was, uh, I wasnn71n00:04:52.079 –> 00:05:02.120n98 pounds and, um, I was doing things that I was not proud of to continue the drinking and contri- continue the drugging.nn72n00:05:02.120 –> 00:05:06.620nAnd, um, thank God that, uh, Alcoholics Anonymous was here.nn73n00:05:06.620 –> 00:05:11.240nBut it took me seven years in Alcoholics Anonymous to find what’s in this big book.nn74n00:05:11.240 –> 00:05:20.079nIt took me seven years in Alcoholics Anonymous and a lot of 90 d- 90 meetings in 90 days to find out what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is about.nn75n00:05:20.079 –> 00:05:30.180nBecause there was a lot of great people in those first seven years who told me about AA, and who were really amazing people, and they just said, “Hey, just get a coffeenn76n00:05:30.180 –> 00:05:30.579ncommitment.nn77n00:05:30.579 –> 00:05:31.339nThat’s all you need.nn78n00:05:31.339 –> 00:05:32.899nStay sober one day at a time.nn79n00:05:32.899 –> 00:05:33.800nPut the plug in the jug.nn80n00:05:33.800 –> 00:05:41.019nEverything’s gonna be okay.” And I’ll tell you, I was seven years in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was in a hotel room.nn81n00:05:41.019 –> 00:05:43.339nI was in Los Angeles at that time.nn82n00:05:43.339 –> 00:05:48.259nAnd, um, I knew that if I drank alcohol, I was gonna die.nn83n00:05:48.259 –> 00:05:49.740nI was very clear on that.nn84n00:05:49.740 –> 00:05:58.000nBut I knew if I kept on living the way that I was living, which was just a complete emptiness inside, I was gonna kill myself.nn85n00:05:58.000 –> 00:06:08.507nThe book has an amazing description of the spiritual malady The pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.nn86n00:06:08.507 –> 00:06:10.887nThat what I was, I was riddled with.nn87n00:06:10.887 –> 00:06:17.208nWhat I now know was that I was suffering and dying from untreated alcoholism.nn88n00:06:17.208 –> 00:06:26.548nSo I’m unapologetically today talking about God, and I believe that’s what a- all groups in Alcoholics Anonymous should talk about.nn89n00:06:26.548 –> 00:06:27.987nAnd now that’s just my opinion.nn90n00:06:27.987 –> 00:06:34.168n’Cause I used to go to a lot of meetings, and I used to be the coffee guy.nn91n00:06:34.168 –> 00:06:39.067nBut when I went home at the end of the night, I was living a double life.nn92n00:06:39.067 –> 00:06:45.127nI was doing things that I still wasn’t proud of in sobriety, and I wasn’t happy.nn93n00:06:45.127 –> 00:06:46.408nI couldn’t fall asleep.nn94n00:06:46.408 –> 00:06:49.747nYou know, when you hit your head on the pillow and you just, you know, you’re out, right?nn95n00:06:49.747 –> 00:06:55.208nI could- I couldn’t fall asleep ’cause there was still so much internal crap that was just …nn96n00:06:55.208 –> 00:06:58.288nIt was loud, and it was ugly.nn97n00:06:58.288 –> 00:07:06.307nSo thank God I found some, some guys, uh, who knew what was in this big book, and we started going over all this stuff.nn98n00:07:06.307 –> 00:07:09.747nAnd when they actually said to do something in the big book …nn99n00:07:09.747 –> 00:07:12.927nHere, I’ll tell you the secret sauce, right?nn100n00:07:12.927 –> 00:07:14.288nYou guys ready for the secret sauce?nn101n00:07:14.288 –> 00:07:17.627nWhen it would say to do something, we actually did it.nn102n00:07:17.627 –> 00:07:21.348nIt wa- it was amazing, right?nn103n00:07:21.348 –> 00:07:24.666nBecause I’m looking for the easier, softer way.nn104n00:07:24.666 –> 00:07:29.807nI’m looking for, well, how can I, you know, break this down with Jared to figure out how to do this?nn105n00:07:29.807 –> 00:07:32.608n’Cause I always considered myself, you know, a pretty smart guy.nn106n00:07:32.608 –> 00:07:34.187nI went to a couple of good schools.nn107n00:07:34.187 –> 00:07:35.408nI went to a lot of them.nn108n00:07:35.408 –> 00:07:36.247nThey all kicked me out.nn109n00:07:36.247 –> 00:07:39.728nBut, you know, I consider myself a pretty intelligent guy.nn110n00:07:39.728 –> 00:07:49.728nI said I could figure this AA deal, and, uh, all my sponsor had to show me was the circle and triangle and changed my lifenn111n00:07:49.728 –> 00:07:54.807nright then and there, my first meeting with this guy, and I saw the circle and triangle.nn112n00:07:54.807 –> 00:08:00.348nAnd for, for those of you who don’t know what the circle and triangle, it, it, it is Alcoholics Anonymous.nn113n00:08:00.348 –> 00:08:04.747nIt’s the logo that it’s, that’s no longer in this book anymore, but we still draw it in there.nn114n00:08:04.747 –> 00:08:06.048nI know a bunch of you guys do too.nn115n00:08:06.048 –> 00:08:13.048nStands for service, stands for the program, stands for unity.nn116n00:08:13.048 –> 00:08:15.747nThe three legacies of Alcoholics Anonymous.nn117n00:08:15.747 –> 00:08:21.427nAnd so what my sponsor right then and there told me was that I was only in one part of a three-part program.nn118n00:08:21.427 –> 00:08:23.348nWhat do you mean?nn119n00:08:23.348 –> 00:08:25.108nI’m going to lots of meetings.nn120n00:08:25.108 –> 00:08:26.427nI’m doing everything.nn121n00:08:26.427 –> 00:08:29.208nI’m do- I’m even going to the general service meeting, you know?nn122n00:08:29.208 –> 00:08:31.247nI don’t see any- anybody else doing that.nn123n00:08:31.247 –> 00:08:33.687nYou know, I’m doing all this stuff in AA.nn124n00:08:33.687 –> 00:08:40.587nAnd while I was staying sober, everything started cl- crumbling in my life.nn125n00:08:40.587 –> 00:08:46.768nLost the job, lost the girl, lost the house.nn126n00:08:46.768 –> 00:08:48.067nThe money was gone.nn127n00:08:48.067 –> 00:08:53.028nIn Alcoholics Anonymous, and I’m scratching my house, my, my head and saying, “What’s going on here?nn128n00:08:53.028 –> 00:08:54.648nWhat happened?nn129n00:08:54.648 –> 00:09:03.847nI’m doing everything you’re telling me to do.” And so my sponsor said that, you know, I need to be living in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.nn130n00:09:03.847 –> 00:09:13.927nWhen they talk about unity, I need to come to the fellowship, but I need to be working with others on a constant basis and totally give my life over, just like,nn131n00:09:13.927 –> 00:09:15.888njust like we were talking about, to others.nn132n00:09:15.888 –> 00:09:17.128nIt’s not mine anymore.nn133n00:09:17.128 –> 00:09:18.927nIt’s not mine anymore.nn134n00:09:18.927 –> 00:09:20.607nIt’s mine to give.nn135n00:09:20.607 –> 00:09:22.668nAnd I’ll tell you what happened.nn136n00:09:22.668 –> 00:09:27.827nAs soon as I started doing these things, my life just took off like an absolute rocket.nn137n00:09:27.827 –> 00:09:32.288nAll those things, those external things, they come back, right?nn138n00:09:32.288 –> 00:09:33.477nBecause what happens?nn139n00:09:33.477 –> 00:09:35.368nWe pray for those things and what does God do?nn140n00:09:35.368 –> 00:09:37.307nHe gives us it.nn141n00:09:37.307 –> 00:09:39.168nHe gives us those things.nn142n00:09:39.168 –> 00:09:41.087nBut that’s nothing though.nn143n00:09:41.087 –> 00:09:48.268nI started to experience when the book talks about this fourth dimension, this sixth sense that they talk about.nn144n00:09:48.268 –> 00:09:49.148nWhat’s that all about?nn145n00:09:49.148 –> 00:09:52.187nI keep hearing, you know, the fourth dimension, sixth sense.nn146n00:09:52.187 –> 00:09:53.288nWhat’s that all about?nn147n00:09:53.288 –> 00:09:57.668nAnd if you don’t know what that’s about, you’re probably not there yet.nn148n00:09:57.668 –> 00:10:04.628nAnd all I did was just follow the instructions in the first 164 pages, and my life took off.nn149n00:10:04.628 –> 00:10:15.927nSo getting that out of the way , I wanna talk a little about, um, some,nn150n00:10:15.927 –> 00:10:17.268nuh, some steps.nn151n00:10:17.268 –> 00:10:24.528nThat’s my goal because I feel like if I c- I could come up here and talk for an hour about my life and it’s the Jared show and it’ll be great.nn152n00:10:24.528 –> 00:10:30.508nBut I actually wanna talk about, a little about the step work, and then I also wanna talk about service, working with others.nn153n00:10:30.508 –> 00:10:35.028n’Cause I feel sponsorship and working with others is some of the most important things.nn154n00:10:35.028 –> 00:10:42.107nUm, so the first thing that I, uh, that I wanna talk about, and I’m not gonna …nn155n00:10:42.107 –> 00:10:45.567nYou guys, I’m watching the clock, so you guys don’t, you know, don’t worry about it.nn156n00:10:45.567 –> 00:10:46.947nIt’s page 24.nn157n00:10:46.947 –> 00:10:49.307nPage 24, uh, changed my life.nn158n00:10:49.307 –> 00:10:50.748nHere’s what it says.nn159n00:10:50.748 –> 00:10:57.148n”The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscor- obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.nn160n00:10:57.148 –> 00:11:01.707nOur so-called will c- willpower becomes practically nonexistent.nn161n00:11:01.707 –> 00:11:11.727nWe are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a monthnn162n00:11:11.727 –> 00:11:12.268nago.nn163n00:11:12.268 –> 00:11:19.528nWithout, w- we’re without defense against the first drink.” That paragraph changed my life.nn164n00:11:19.528 –> 00:11:26.467nThat paragraph absolutely opened up these new, these new windows and new doors.nn165n00:11:26.467 –> 00:11:36.528nWhat that told for me, what, what that told me was that when I got kicked out of my third high school and my parentsnn166n00:11:36.528 –> 00:11:47.008ndidn’t talk to me anymore, and when I was living on the streets, and, uh, the only place or thing that I thought I should do was become ann167n00:11:47.008 –> 00:11:49.107nentrepreneur, uh, i.e.nn168n00:11:49.107 –> 00:11:49.857ndrug dealer.nn169n00:11:49.857 –> 00:11:59.908nAnd, um, I said to myself, “Hey, where should I go?” ‘Cause obviously, y- you know, New York’s the problem,nn170n00:11:59.908 –> 00:12:00.148nright?nn171n00:12:00.148 –> 00:12:02.567nIt’s, this is obviously the problem.nn172n00:12:02.567 –> 00:12:03.768nIt, it’s New York, right?nn173n00:12:03.768 –> 00:12:08.288nSo where does an entrepreneur go if they wanna become a drug dealer?nn174n00:12:08.288 –> 00:12:14.755nWell, I bought a, a, a, you know, a one-way ticket to Amsterdam That’s where I went.nn175n00:12:14.755 –> 00:12:18.995nSwear to God, I was 19 years old, and I decided, you know what?nn176n00:12:18.995 –> 00:12:24.796nIf I’m really gonna do this, like a real alcoholic, we gotta go, like we gotta do it to 100%.nn177n00:12:24.796 –> 00:12:25.936nAnd that’s where I went.nn178n00:12:25.936 –> 00:12:31.155nI went to, uh, I went to Amsterdam, and I really thought at that time that I was gonna change my life.nn179n00:12:31.155 –> 00:12:32.196nYou know?nn180n00:12:32.196 –> 00:12:32.426nUh-huh.nn181n00:12:32.426 –> 00:12:34.115nI, I, I swear.nn182n00:12:34.115 –> 00:12:35.535nI, I said to myself, “You know what?nn183n00:12:35.535 –> 00:12:39.716nI’m really gonna clean myself up, you know, and I’m just gonna…nn184n00:12:39.716 –> 00:12:43.436nMaybe I’ll, you know, like, uh, you know, there’s a lot of museums I heard over there.nn185n00:12:43.436 –> 00:12:46.975nMaybe I’ll see, you know…” I, I can go to one museum, you know?nn186n00:12:46.975 –> 00:12:50.525nI can hear people are like, “Yeah, did you go to that museum?” I’m like, “Museum?nn187n00:12:50.525 –> 00:12:51.576nWhat are you talking about?” You know?nn188n00:12:51.576 –> 00:12:53.576nI, I didn’t even know there was a museum there.nn189n00:12:53.576 –> 00:12:57.115nAnd, uh, so I went there and, um, and I…nn190n00:12:57.115 –> 00:13:02.875nMy, my alcoholism, I realized was could be fueled by all these other, uh, these outside, you know, things.nn191n00:13:02.875 –> 00:13:09.395nAnd, um, and I realized that I need to, uh, I need to put money in it and invest.nn192n00:13:09.395 –> 00:13:10.926nAnd, uh, so I, I did that.nn193n00:13:10.926 –> 00:13:18.196nAnd, uh, apparently, I didn’t know that, uh, over there, there’s other drug dealers.nn194n00:13:18.196 –> 00:13:26.696nAnd, um- Those other drug dealers don’t like it when, uh, well, when you, you know, start invading their territory, right?nn195n00:13:26.696 –> 00:13:32.056nAnd, um, you know, it got dark really fast over there, you know.nn196n00:13:32.056 –> 00:13:35.676nMy alcoholism was at a point where, um, I was, uh…nn197n00:13:35.676 –> 00:13:37.216nI had the, um, the shakes.nn198n00:13:37.216 –> 00:13:41.216nI had to get Bacardi rum in me, um, as soon as possible in the morning.nn199n00:13:41.216 –> 00:13:44.755nUh, I had some of those, those DTs and…nn200n00:13:44.755 –> 00:13:47.056nOh, man, I didn’t even…nn201n00:13:47.056 –> 00:13:52.235nI found about, found out about blackouts in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know.nn202n00:13:52.235 –> 00:14:02.235nPeople are like, “Oh yeah, you must have been in a blackout.” I’m like, “What do you mean?” And they’re like, “Yeah, you know, like when you know you’re, you’re actually conscious, but you don’t realize what’s going on.” It’snn203n00:14:02.235 –> 00:14:03.975nlike, “No, that’s just dr- being drunk.nn204n00:14:03.975 –> 00:14:05.775nWhat are you talking about?” You know?nn205n00:14:05.775 –> 00:14:10.815nAnd, um, I realized, like ’cause I wake up out of a blackout, and I’m in England, right?nn206n00:14:10.815 –> 00:14:11.696nI’m in England.nn207n00:14:11.696 –> 00:14:13.495nI’m like, “How did I get here?” You know?nn208n00:14:13.495 –> 00:14:18.535nAnd, uh, I realize, you know, now that it was, I was in blackouts half the time, you know.nn209n00:14:18.535 –> 00:14:21.535nUh, at 19 years old, I didn’t know what a blackout was.nn210n00:14:21.535 –> 00:14:22.895nI thought this, this was normal.nn211n00:14:22.895 –> 00:14:25.475nI thought that, uh, that that was a part of drinking.nn212n00:14:25.475 –> 00:14:32.456nAnd, um, so yeah, so I started, uh, you know, getting involved in, in some of that other stuff.nn213n00:14:32.456 –> 00:14:34.655nAnd, um, man, I got, I got beat up.nn214n00:14:34.655 –> 00:14:40.885nThere were, uh, there were guns involved, and, uh, there was lots of, uh, police involved, and there was-nn215n00:14:41.796 –> 00:14:42.596nmoney involved.nn216n00:14:42.596 –> 00:14:52.216nAnd, uh, I w- I was held hostage, uh, for, uh, about four days by this, uh, this mafia group who wanted to kill me, you know?nn217n00:14:52.216 –> 00:14:54.396nAnd, uh, they were serious, you know?nn218n00:14:54.396 –> 00:14:56.916nThis, the, I was like, “Yeah, you’re not gonna kill me,” you know?nn219n00:14:56.916 –> 00:15:04.396nLike, like some punk kid from New York, you know, and dealing with these, you know, guys in Europe, uh, with, with, with machine guns, you know?nn220n00:15:04.396 –> 00:15:09.296nAnd it, it, it, and I, I, it just, the delusion was just unbelievable.nn221n00:15:09.296 –> 00:15:19.716nAnd, um, so I, you know, I, I eventually, I get them, you know, how, you know, they wanted a lot of money, and somehow I, I managed to, you know, get some money, you know, um,nn222n00:15:19.716 –> 00:15:21.596nfrom some relatives and all this stuff.nn223n00:15:21.596 –> 00:15:25.016nAnd I’m sitting in a, in a, in a room, and they, uh, they …nn224n00:15:25.016 –> 00:15:27.436nY- you can’t recognize my face anymore.nn225n00:15:27.436 –> 00:15:30.456nLike, my nose is over here, my ears are down here, you know?nn226n00:15:30.456 –> 00:15:33.176nAnd, uh, it, it, it’s really dark.nn227n00:15:33.176 –> 00:15:38.696nAnd, uh, I’m, I’m in this, you know, this literally this black hole for, uh, for five days.nn228n00:15:38.696 –> 00:15:41.756nAnd, you know, thank God for family.nn229n00:15:41.756 –> 00:15:43.656nI don’t know if there’s any family members in here tonight.nn230n00:15:43.656 –> 00:15:49.656nUm, but, you know, thank God for, for family members who never really gave up on me, you know?nn231n00:15:49.656 –> 00:15:54.876nThey, they always were, you know, they just wanted, they just, they just wanted me to have a good life, you know?nn232n00:15:54.876 –> 00:15:59.536nAnd, you know, they Western Union-ed me some money, and, uh, I eventually got out of there.nn233n00:15:59.536 –> 00:16:03.226nAnd, um, I came back to the States.nn234n00:16:03.226 –> 00:16:13.896nI actually went to a treatment center out in, uh, Long Island for the first time, and I was in treatment for about a year and a half, uh, because I,nn235n00:16:13.896 –> 00:16:16.916nagain, I didn’t think it was, you know, alcohol that was the problem.nn236n00:16:16.916 –> 00:16:18.156nI thought it was everything else.nn237n00:16:18.156 –> 00:16:23.556nWell, if I wasn’t in this circumstance, or if I wasn’t over here, it just would’ve been, it would’ve been a lot better.nn238n00:16:23.556 –> 00:16:30.936nAnd, um, after a year and a half, man, the second day I got out, right back to it, you know?nn239n00:16:30.936 –> 00:16:38.996nAnd about four treatment centers later, I, um, I eventually, uh, I had a, the moment, right?nn240n00:16:38.996 –> 00:16:44.196nAnd if you guys know what I’m talking about, it’s that moment of, uh, desperation.nn241n00:16:44.196 –> 00:16:48.516nIt’s that moment where I can literally hear God, right?nn242n00:16:48.516 –> 00:16:51.056nI think at that time I’m hallucinating, right?nn243n00:16:51.056 –> 00:16:58.256nBut I, I’m hearing voices, and I’m saying to myself, you know, “I should go to, I should go to AA.” I hear about you guys.nn244n00:16:58.256 –> 00:17:00.056nI, I knew what it was through rehab.nn245n00:17:00.056 –> 00:17:01.655nMaybe I’ll go check that out.nn246n00:17:01.655 –> 00:17:04.136nAnd, uh, I went to my first AA meeting.nn247n00:17:04.136 –> 00:17:06.016nIt was a midnight meeting.nn248n00:17:06.016 –> 00:17:11.416nIt was down in Manhattan, and, uh, it was crazy, right ?nn249n00:17:11.416 –> 00:17:16.856nIt was these f- weird freak guys, and they were, you know …nn250n00:17:16.856 –> 00:17:18.896nIt was so cool, right?nn251n00:17:18.896 –> 00:17:28.916nAnd, uh, so I, I go in the back over there, and it’s, like, me and, like, two other homeless guys, and I’m telling them my long story about what happened, and, andnn252n00:17:28.916 –> 00:17:31.096nguns and then this and then that, you know?nn253n00:17:31.096 –> 00:17:36.676nAnd, um, some guy, he, he finally, he, he was making, like, coffee in the back.nn254n00:17:36.676 –> 00:17:38.736nHe was hearing what I was, you know, sharing.nn255n00:17:38.736 –> 00:17:43.006nAnd, um, he came up to me, and he, he called me Bubba, right?nn256n00:17:43.006 –> 00:17:44.636nHe was wearing this cowboys hat, right?nn257n00:17:44.636 –> 00:17:47.316nAnd I go, “Well, I don’t like this guy,” right off the bat.nn258n00:17:47.316 –> 00:17:50.656nAnd he said, “Hey, Bubba, uh, you know, why don’t you come help me out?nn259n00:17:50.656 –> 00:17:53.556nI got some ashtrays to clean up.” It was a smoking meeting back then.nn260n00:17:53.556 –> 00:17:59.836nAnd, uh, I said, uh, “Hey, I don’t think you, you just heard what I said in the meeting, you know?nn261n00:17:59.836 –> 00:18:09.836nI said, you know, I’m ready to go and drink and, you know, get out of here, and, uh, I’m ready to start this again.” And he said, “Hey, why don’t you just, uh, help me out with those ashtrays?”nn262n00:18:09.836 –> 00:18:11.176nAnd so I said, “Yeah, sure.nn263n00:18:11.176 –> 00:18:13.416nNo problem.” And I did that for the next two meetings.nn264n00:18:13.416 –> 00:18:16.816nAnd I came back in the morning, and we, we did it again.nn265n00:18:16.816 –> 00:18:18.796nAnd I’ll tell you, something happened.nn266n00:18:18.796 –> 00:18:20.276nThere was a little bit of shift, you know?nn267n00:18:20.276 –> 00:18:24.816nI, I didn’t wa- I didn’t all of a sudden want to kill myself that day, you know?nn268n00:18:24.816 –> 00:18:26.156nI said to myself, “You know what?nn269n00:18:26.156 –> 00:18:30.356nMaybe I’m gonna try this out.” And so I went to AA.nn270n00:18:30.356 –> 00:18:36.856nAnd I was coming in and out and in and out, and I couldn’t stay sober, and I didn’t, I thought there was something wrong with me.nn271n00:18:36.856 –> 00:18:39.016nI thought there was actually something wrong with AA, right?nn272n00:18:39.016 –> 00:18:44.616n’Cause I, I read what’s, what was on this wall, and I was like, “Hey, man, I’m, I’m a lot smarter than you guys.nn273n00:18:44.616 –> 00:18:46.776nI can figure out what’s going on here, you know?nn274n00:18:46.776 –> 00:18:47.836nYou guys are just …nn275n00:18:47.836 –> 00:18:48.876nIt’s a God thing, right?nn276n00:18:48.876 –> 00:18:49.876nI get it,” you know?nn277n00:18:49.876 –> 00:18:56.896nAnd, um, the guy said, “Hey,” you know, that, that, that guy who called me Bubba, he said, “Hey, why don’t you come to the diner?” You know?nn278n00:18:56.896 –> 00:18:59.616nAnd, uh, we start talking about step work.nn279n00:18:59.616 –> 00:19:04.596nAnd, you know, right then and there he, uh, we start talking about one through three, and he pulled out a notebook.nn280n00:19:04.596 –> 00:19:10.156nAnd he said, “Hey, why don’t you start, you know, writing your, uh, you know, your four step?” And I said, “Okay, sure.nn281n00:19:10.156 –> 00:19:12.196nHow do I do that?” He says, “Real simple.nn282n00:19:12.196 –> 00:19:14.296nJust start from the day you were born,” right?nn283n00:19:14.296 –> 00:19:16.156n”And just start your, just write your story.nn284n00:19:16.156 –> 00:19:20.956nWrite your life story, you know, about what happened until this day.” I said, “Sure, that’s easy.nn285n00:19:20.956 –> 00:19:24.156nI can do that, no problem.” And I started doing that, and guess what?nn286n00:19:24.156 –> 00:19:25.296nLife started getting better.nn287n00:19:25.296 –> 00:19:29.476nStarted going to a lot of meetings, and we were just joking around before the meeting, you know.nn288n00:19:29.476 –> 00:19:32.316nWe were used to go to, like, tons of conferences, you know?nn289n00:19:32.316 –> 00:19:34.836nI was, I didn’t have, I was 20 years old.nn290n00:19:34.836 –> 00:19:35.896nI didn’t have a job.nn291n00:19:35.896 –> 00:19:37.856n”Hey, you wanna go to Minnesota?nn292n00:19:37.856 –> 00:19:42.636nThere’s a conference.” “Sure.” And we’d pack in the car, and like 15 minutes we’d be out in Minne- on our way to Minnesota.nn293n00:19:42.636 –> 00:19:44.656nI had no concept of anything, you know?nn294n00:19:44.656 –> 00:19:48.016nAnd, um, life started getting better.nn295n00:19:48.016 –> 00:19:58.276nIt’s funny that after the, uh, this hurricane that, um, you know, that I read in the news about, you know, Coney Island and what happenednn296n00:19:58.276 –> 00:19:59.876nover there in Coney Island and stuff.nn297n00:19:59.876 –> 00:20:06.116n’Cause I remember my first month in sobriety, I remember going to, uh, Coney Island.nn298n00:20:06.116 –> 00:20:09.126nAnd, uh, what’s that rollercoaster that’s the- Cyclone.nn299n00:20:09.126 –> 00:20:09.376nYeah.nn300n00:20:09.376 –> 00:20:09.786nCyclone.nn301n00:20:09.786 –> 00:20:10.536nThe Cyclone.nn302n00:20:10.536 –> 00:20:12.576nMan, that was some crazy thing.nn303n00:20:12.576 –> 00:20:22.796nAnd I remember I went on the Cyclone for the first time, and I got off the Cyclone, and, um, it was the first time that I really feltnn304n00:20:22.796 –> 00:20:25.796nlike this might, this might work out, right?nn305n00:20:25.796 –> 00:20:28.156nLike, I felt, like, a little bit of a conscious contact.nn306n00:20:28.156 –> 00:20:31.356nNow, that could just be that I was coming off from the Cyclone, right?nn307n00:20:31.356 –> 00:20:37.696nAnd, uh, you know, most people might have a conscious contact moment, right, uh, when they’re coming off the Cyclone.nn308n00:20:37.696 –> 00:20:46.436nBut, um, I had a moment there, and I said, uh, “You know, I, I’m gonna try AA, and I’m gonna do everything possible,” you know?nn309n00:20:46.436 –> 00:20:49.836nAnd, um, and so life just started getting better.nn310n00:20:49.836 –> 00:20:58.588nAnd, um All the way up to about year six and a half, year seven.nn311n00:20:58.588 –> 00:21:05.568nAnd like I said before, things started getting real, real bad.nn312n00:21:05.568 –> 00:21:14.748nAnd I don’t know how any other better way to describe it but than to describe it on page 52 where we talk about the bedevilments.nn313n00:21:14.748 –> 00:21:19.808nNow ask yourself if you’re currently feeling any of these things right now in sobriety.nn314n00:21:19.808 –> 00:21:24.028nIt says, “We’re having trouble with personal relationships.nn315n00:21:24.028 –> 00:21:26.548nWe couldn’t control our emotional nature.nn316n00:21:26.548 –> 00:21:29.468nWe were prey to misery and depression.nn317n00:21:29.468 –> 00:21:31.368nWe couldn’t make a living.nn318n00:21:31.368 –> 00:21:33.748nWe had a feeling of uselessness.nn319n00:21:33.748 –> 00:21:36.088nWe were full of fear.nn320n00:21:36.088 –> 00:21:45.127nWe were unhappy, and we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people.” And that’s the first thing that my cur- my, my now sponsor, my current sponsor brought me to.nn321n00:21:45.127 –> 00:21:54.318nHe said, “Perhaps it’s a consideration that maybe you’re suffering from untreated alcoholism.” Can I get you something?nn322n00:21:54.318 –> 00:21:54.828nNo, I’m okay.nn323n00:21:54.828 –> 00:21:55.708nI’m fine.nn324n00:21:55.708 –> 00:22:02.048nMaybe perhaps that there’s some things that you didn’t fully do, like all your amends, right?nn325n00:22:02.048 –> 00:22:03.328nThey say all here, right?nn326n00:22:03.328 –> 00:22:03.928nThat’s so…nn327n00:22:03.928 –> 00:22:05.468nThat’s a lot, right?nn328n00:22:05.468 –> 00:22:07.088nThat’s gonna take paying back money.nn329n00:22:07.088 –> 00:22:16.248nThat’s gonna take, you know, actually having to go back to the people that I, I really just, you know, destroyed their life and, and try to make right what I did.nn330n00:22:16.248 –> 00:22:18.208nMan, it’s just gonna take some work.nn331n00:22:18.208 –> 00:22:19.928nI, I know about the inventory.nn332n00:22:19.928 –> 00:22:25.888nI’m gonna have to talk about, you know, sex, you know, and my, you know, my personal relationships with another guy.nn333n00:22:25.888 –> 00:22:27.148nNot you, Mark, all right?nn334n00:22:27.148 –> 00:22:37.148nUh, you know, like, I, I, I’m gonna have to, you know, actually get into like the nitty-gritty and start doing ten and 11, which I didn’t really know how to do, butnn335n00:22:37.148 –> 00:22:39.808nI just hear that it’s a real pain in the ass, you know?nn336n00:22:39.808 –> 00:22:42.968nAnd so I said to myself, “Am I really ready?nn337n00:22:42.968 –> 00:22:46.248nAm I truly desperately ready to start doing this?nn338n00:22:46.248 –> 00:22:50.268nAnd if I’m going to do this, I’m gonna do it just like going to Amsterdam,” right?nn339n00:22:50.268 –> 00:22:53.368nI’m gonna be– I’m gonna do it 100%, okay?nn340n00:22:53.368 –> 00:22:55.008n’Cause that’s the type of guy I am.nn341n00:22:55.008 –> 00:22:56.968nI don’t do something half-measured.nn342n00:22:56.968 –> 00:22:59.148nEither I am doing it or I’m not.nn343n00:22:59.148 –> 00:23:06.608nAnd, um, so, you know, when we fir- we finally sat down, I got a, um, I got a tape of a guy.nn344n00:23:06.608 –> 00:23:08.428nHis name was, uh, Chris Waymer.nn345n00:23:08.428 –> 00:23:09.868nSome of you guys know who he is.nn346n00:23:09.868 –> 00:23:13.808nAnd, um, somebody said, “Hey, you sound real miserable.nn347n00:23:13.808 –> 00:23:18.168nWhy don’t you li-listen to this guy?” And I’m like, “I’ve heard this guy before.nn348n00:23:18.168 –> 00:23:23.148nI don’t want any part of th– I don’t wanna listen to this guy at all.” You know, he talks about the big book, you know?nn349n00:23:23.148 –> 00:23:24.828nI hate those big book guys.nn350n00:23:24.828 –> 00:23:28.977nThey’re always so rigid, and they’re always talking about, you know, steps and God, steps and God, steps and God .nn351n00:23:28.977 –> 00:23:34.028nYou know, like, I, I, I, it’s just, you know, I, I know what those guys are all about, you know?nn352n00:23:34.028 –> 00:23:37.568nAnd, uh, you know, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, you know?nn353n00:23:37.568 –> 00:23:39.488nAnd, uh, I actually, uh…nn354n00:23:39.488 –> 00:23:44.868nHe said, “Yeah, go, you know, go ahead and touch with one of my buddies,” this guy Peter, who actually was, has been to this group before.nn355n00:23:44.868 –> 00:23:45.908nHe’s down in Florida now.nn356n00:23:45.908 –> 00:23:47.388nAnd so I took a flight.nn357n00:23:47.388 –> 00:23:48.728nI went down to go see Peter.nn358n00:23:48.728 –> 00:23:51.308nAnd, uh, and I’m sitting there, I’m sitting in a diner.nn359n00:23:51.308 –> 00:23:51.908nI call him up.nn360n00:23:51.908 –> 00:23:55.128nI say, “Hey, I’m ready.” He goes, he goes, “Yeah, an emergency came up.nn361n00:23:55.128 –> 00:23:59.977nI, I can’t meet with you today.” I’m like, “You gotta be kidding me,” you know?nn362n00:23:59.977 –> 00:24:02.588nI’m like, on my, my lifeline right now, you know?nn363n00:24:02.588 –> 00:24:05.448nLike, I need somebody, I need something that’s going to…nn364n00:24:05.448 –> 00:24:07.728nYou know, who knows what’s in this book, you know?nn365n00:24:07.728 –> 00:24:10.128nAnd I’m trying to look for all these people.nn366n00:24:10.128 –> 00:24:15.828nAnd thank God someone, um, you know, Peter whatever referred me to, uh, to Chris, my, my current sponsor, Chris S.nn367n00:24:15.828 –> 00:24:19.448nAnd, uh, and I sat down with Chris, and we started doing the work.nn368n00:24:19.448 –> 00:24:26.668nHe told me that step one, he goes, “What do you know about step one?” I said, “Sure, I can’t drink.nn369n00:24:26.668 –> 00:24:28.408nThat’s it,” right?nn370n00:24:28.408 –> 00:24:31.948nHe goes, “No, that’s not it,” you know?nn371n00:24:31.948 –> 00:24:34.808nHe told me something that I have a physical allergy.nn372n00:24:34.808 –> 00:24:38.748nSeven years in Alcoholics Anonymous, I had no idea what he was talking about, you know?nn373n00:24:38.748 –> 00:24:43.388nHe said that I have an allergy, that when I put alcohol into my system, something happens, right?nn374n00:24:43.388 –> 00:24:48.808nIt’s not like when, you know, my wife, who when she eats strawberries, you know, she breaks out in hives.nn375n00:24:48.808 –> 00:24:55.028nNothing, you know, on the outside happens to me, but something internally happens to me, right?nn376n00:24:55.028 –> 00:24:59.408nWhen I have a drink, I say, “Let’s get this going,” right?nn377n00:24:59.408 –> 00:25:01.968nLike, “Let’s go to town,” you know?nn378n00:25:01.968 –> 00:25:04.988nAnd it gives me that feeling of euphoria and comfort.nn379n00:25:04.988 –> 00:25:09.628nYou know, maybe I don’t even have the drink in me yet, and I’m already feeling better, you know?nn380n00:25:09.628 –> 00:25:11.167nOh, I’m drinking tonight.nn381n00:25:11.167 –> 00:25:15.148nI feel okay now.nn382n00:25:15.148 –> 00:25:18.588nBut what happens when I put that drink in me?nn383n00:25:18.588 –> 00:25:21.448nI start craving it more.nn384n00:25:21.448 –> 00:25:26.228nThey call that the phenomenon of craving, that I want more.nn385n00:25:26.228 –> 00:25:36.268nThat, and there was times when I drank, you know, 22 beers, and I eventually got to that point where I said, “Okay, I’m good.” And then there were times where I was drinking for days on end,nn386n00:25:36.268 –> 00:25:41.228nand there was no amount of alcohol that could quench that thirst, my thirst.nn387n00:25:41.228 –> 00:25:45.908nHe also told me that I have this mental obsession.nn388n00:25:45.908 –> 00:25:56.068nAnd I was like, “No, I don’t.” He goes, “Really?” He goes, “Given your circumstances,” right, “having not drank for some time, wasnn389n00:25:56.068 –> 00:26:06.068nthere times where you went back and you drank knowing full well that this is not going to be good?” I go, “Yeah.” Henn390n00:26:06.068 –> 00:26:08.408ngoes, “Okay, you’re an alcoholic.nn391n00:26:08.408 –> 00:26:15.988nWelcome to AA.” And it’s like the light bulb just started going off in 18 million directions.nn392n00:26:15.988 –> 00:26:18.908nI finally understood what makes me tick.nn393n00:26:18.908 –> 00:26:22.788nI finally understood what the problem was.nn394n00:26:22.788 –> 00:26:28.248nAnd I’m telling you, I was seven years in AA, I never heard anybody describe it that way.nn395n00:26:28.248 –> 00:26:34.828nI never heard anybody talk about the circle and the triangle, the bedevilments, what this spiritual malady is.nn396n00:26:34.828 –> 00:26:39.068nAnd I really call it spiritual insanity, that, ’cause that’s really what it is.nn397n00:26:39.068 –> 00:26:43.708nIt’s just that feeling in your, the pit of your stomach where things are not okay.nn398n00:26:43.708 –> 00:26:46.168nI’ll s- I’ll describe.nn399n00:26:46.168 –> 00:26:48.448nI’m at work, right?nn400n00:26:48.448 –> 00:26:51.108nMy boss sends me an email, “Hey, do this.nn401n00:26:51.108 –> 00:26:52.548nHey, could you– do me a favor.nn402n00:26:52.548 –> 00:27:00.604nCan you do me this, uh, do this for me later on today?” All of a sudden, the lights in my head are going in 18 different directions, right?nn403n00:27:00.604 –> 00:27:04.024nAnd I’m saying to myself, “I’ve gotta get out of this company.nn404n00:27:04.024 –> 00:27:12.004nI can’t be here anymore.” My boss wants me to do something, and what happens if I don’t do it to his expectations?nn405n00:27:12.004 –> 00:27:13.244nWhat’s gonna happen?nn406n00:27:13.244 –> 00:27:14.884nLoser.nn407n00:27:14.884 –> 00:27:15.184nYou know?nn408n00:27:15.184 –> 00:27:17.704nI’m not gonna feel okay inside.nn409n00:27:17.704 –> 00:27:20.884nAnd I’ll tell you right now, I suffer.nn410n00:27:20.884 –> 00:27:22.123nThat’s my alcoholism.nn411n00:27:22.123 –> 00:27:26.744nI suffer from not adding up, because I care what other people…nn412n00:27:26.744 –> 00:27:28.944nI care what you guys think of me.nn413n00:27:28.944 –> 00:27:31.284nThat’s what I suffer from.nn414n00:27:31.284 –> 00:27:36.424nAt the same time, I suffer from extreme self-centeredness.nn415n00:27:36.424 –> 00:27:43.664nExtreme self-centeredness, where I only think about myself the majority of the day.nn416n00:27:43.664 –> 00:27:47.944nThey told me that that’s what alcoholism is.nn417n00:27:47.944 –> 00:27:53.784nAnd at the same time, I’m reading the first step and I’m saying that my life is unmanageable only when I’m drunk.nn418n00:27:53.784 –> 00:28:03.944nWhat I didn’t realize is that my life was unmanageable at seven years when I was stark raving sober, and that my problem is centered in my mindnn419n00:28:03.944 –> 00:28:05.704nrather than my body.nn420n00:28:05.704 –> 00:28:09.964nSo as I move, we start go- talking about two and three.nn421n00:28:09.964 –> 00:28:11.344nWe start talking about God.nn422n00:28:11.344 –> 00:28:13.424nAnd I go, “Yeah, I’m good on God.nn423n00:28:13.424 –> 00:28:15.024nI understand it,” you know?nn424n00:28:15.024 –> 00:28:18.024nI, I was brought up in a, in a Jewish household.nn425n00:28:18.024 –> 00:28:20.364nAnd, uh, I said, “Yeah, I get it.nn426n00:28:20.364 –> 00:28:21.744nI was bar mitzvah,” right?nn427n00:28:21.744 –> 00:28:23.884nAnd, uh, I’m all about it, you know?nn428n00:28:23.884 –> 00:28:26.124nAnd, uh, he said, “Not exactly.nn429n00:28:26.124 –> 00:28:26.984nSlow down,” you know?nn430n00:28:26.984 –> 00:28:32.064nAnd he said, “What’s your conception of God?” I go, “You know, you know, God, it’s, like, around, you know?nn431n00:28:32.064 –> 00:28:32.704nIt’s up there.nn432n00:28:32.704 –> 00:28:33.704nHe’s there, he’s there.nn433n00:28:33.704 –> 00:28:39.684nYou know, he’s everywhere, you know?” And, um, you know, I, I had no conception of what a higher power is.nn434n00:28:39.684 –> 00:28:42.984nAnd I’ll tell you what my conception of my higher power is right now.nn435n00:28:42.984 –> 00:28:44.744nI’m very clear on it today.nn436n00:28:44.744 –> 00:28:46.124nI know exactly what it is.nn437n00:28:46.124 –> 00:28:46.944nI…nn438n00:28:46.944 –> 00:28:47.934nAnd this is my opinion.nn439n00:28:47.934 –> 00:28:49.584nEveryone’s god is different.nn440n00:28:49.584 –> 00:28:51.504nThat’s the coolest part about this program.nn441n00:28:51.504 –> 00:29:01.864nI believe my higher power is within me right now, that there’s times when I’m fully awake, not physically, but spiritually awake, that my higher powernn442n00:29:01.864 –> 00:29:04.584nis all around, and I can see things clearly.nn443n00:29:04.584 –> 00:29:12.064nThen there’s times where, you know, I’m just in bed with the blankets over my head, and I’m like, I’m just bedridden full of fear.nn444n00:29:12.064 –> 00:29:16.664nI’ll tell you right now, I’ve had a lot of days like that before in sobriety.nn445n00:29:16.664 –> 00:29:23.174nAnd there’s days where God, you can find him if, if you had, if you had a GPS that goes straight to him, you know?nn446n00:29:24.061 –> 00:29:26.681nSo we started talking about two and three.nn447n00:29:26.681 –> 00:29:30.721nAnd for three for me was really just a decision, you know?nn448n00:29:30.721 –> 00:29:37.541nI had to realize that, uh, Jared run on his will is a bad situation.nn449n00:29:37.541 –> 00:29:43.741nThat every time that I have a good idea or a good thought, it might be a good idea that I run it by my sponsor.nn450n00:29:43.741 –> 00:29:53.941nIt might be a good idea that I say to myself, “Is this what my higher power wants for me today?” Andnn451n00:29:53.941 –> 00:29:58.821nit was a decision to go through the work four through nine, and we started writing inventory.nn452n00:29:58.821 –> 00:30:00.701nWe started talking about inventory.nn453n00:30:00.701 –> 00:30:02.201nHe said, “Yeah, it’s real simple.nn454n00:30:02.201 –> 00:30:09.201nWe’re, you know, resentments, who are you pissed off at today?” And I’m like, “Oh, I got a lot of people, and you’re number one on the list,” you know?nn455n00:30:09.201 –> 00:30:12.801nAnd, uh, I put him down as well, you know?nn456n00:30:12.801 –> 00:30:15.641nAnd, uh, we started talking about, you know, the resentments.nn457n00:30:15.641 –> 00:30:21.261nAnd I go, “This is interesting.” I did a, I did like a, uh, you know, like a story the first go around.nn458n00:30:21.261 –> 00:30:22.941nI’d never done anything like this before.nn459n00:30:22.941 –> 00:30:24.821nThis is, you know, this is really interesting.nn460n00:30:24.821 –> 00:30:25.841nI said, “Okay, great.nn461n00:30:25.841 –> 00:30:31.161nWe all done?” He goes, “No, there’s a couple more inventories.” I’m like, “Oh, get out of here.nn462n00:30:31.161 –> 00:30:32.241nYou’re kidding me,” you know?nn463n00:30:32.241 –> 00:30:34.721nAnd we start talking about a fear inventory.nn464n00:30:34.721 –> 00:30:40.861nWe start talking about harms inventory, a sexual relationship, a sexual and relationship ideal.nn465n00:30:40.861 –> 00:30:43.381nNew concepts for me, you know?nn466n00:30:43.381 –> 00:30:51.741nAnd, um, I s- I got real clear ’cause I realized that I was scared of a lot of things in life, you know?nn467n00:30:51.741 –> 00:30:55.461nI was scared of making money, but at the same time I was scared of having no money.nn468n00:30:55.461 –> 00:31:02.361nI was scared of being in a, in a monogamous relationship, but I was also scared of being by myself, right?nn469n00:31:02.361 –> 00:31:08.381nI was scared of like, uh, you know, you know, being in AA, uh, but I was afraid not being in AA.nn470n00:31:08.381 –> 00:31:14.581nSo I realized right then and there doing that fear inventory that I’m the problem, right?nn471n00:31:14.581 –> 00:31:16.461nIt’s not everybody else, you know?nn472n00:31:16.461 –> 00:31:21.681nThat I’m having these fears, but in the majority of the time, they’re fancy, right?nn473n00:31:21.681 –> 00:31:23.921nMeaning that they’re just made up in my head.nn474n00:31:23.921 –> 00:31:27.221nA lot of it’s not even true at the first, uh, in, in, in the beginning.nn475n00:31:27.221 –> 00:31:31.881nSo we started go- and we started talking about harms, people that I harmed.nn476n00:31:31.881 –> 00:31:40.901nAnd he said, “We’re gonna talk about that later on and how we’re gonna go back to these people and make those, and make those amends.” And then we start talking about this relationship ideal.nn477n00:31:40.901 –> 00:31:43.161nI go, “Oh, got this one figured out.nn478n00:31:43.161 –> 00:31:47.461nI know exactly.” It was like I was filling out like a dating profile, you know?nn479n00:31:47.461 –> 00:31:54.141nWell, I want her to be, you know, from a good school and a good house, and obviously she has to be blonde and this, and he…nn480n00:31:54.141 –> 00:31:56.301nIt’s like, it’s like, no.nn481n00:31:56.301 –> 00:31:58.541nYou know, that’s not what this is about, you know?nn482n00:31:58.541 –> 00:32:01.601nAnd, um, and then so I gave him another one, right?nn483n00:32:01.601 –> 00:32:06.041nI gave him ano- this, another one relationship ideal, and he started laughing, right?nn484n00:32:06.041 –> 00:32:08.101nAnd I’m like, “What are you laughing about?nn485n00:32:08.101 –> 00:32:10.091nYou know, what’s funny about this?” You know?nn486n00:32:10.091 –> 00:32:13.921nAnd it was like, it was like a, a profile for like a monk, right?nn487n00:32:13.921 –> 00:32:15.221nOr like a priest, you know?nn488n00:32:15.221 –> 00:32:19.821nWhere I’m just gonna be in my own room and I’ll never look at another female, you know, ever again, you know?nn489n00:32:19.821 –> 00:32:21.081nAnd he said, “You know what?nn490n00:32:21.081 –> 00:32:26.401nThis last go around, just try something that you could actually live up to,” right?nn491n00:32:26.401 –> 00:32:31.881n”Can you, can you try to, you know, just get something that you might actually live up to?” I said, “Yeah, sure.nn492n00:32:31.881 –> 00:32:41.951nI, I can do that.” And I’ll tell you, a couple months later, I met obvious- my, now my wife, but I met the girl who was actually didn’t fit any of thosenn493n00:32:41.951 –> 00:32:44.941ncategories, was completely different, you know?nn494n00:32:44.941 –> 00:32:48.901nAnd, uh, you know, we’re still, uh, we’re still married today.nn495n00:32:48.901 –> 00:32:51.990nSo, uh- …nn496n00:32:51.990 –> 00:32:53.441nafter, right?nn497n00:32:53.441 –> 00:33:02.101nAnyway, so after we, uh, we, we did all that, he goes, “Great.nn498n00:33:02.101 –> 00:33:05.921nWe’re gonna talk about six and seven.” I go, “Oh, yeah, character defects.nn499n00:33:05.921 –> 00:33:07.641nYeah, I know what that’s about,” you know?nn500n00:33:07.641 –> 00:33:10.421nAnd, uh, once again, I was completely wrong.nn501n00:33:10.421 –> 00:33:18.001nAnd, uh, he uses this exercise that we got from, uh, a guy, um, Mark H., who’s no longer alive anymore.nn502n00:33:18.001 –> 00:33:22.020nAnd, uh, what it was, it was something called the Sacraments of Penance, right?nn503n00:33:22.020 –> 00:33:30.481nAnd I’m like, “Oh, I, that kinda sounds real like, I don’t know, like, uh, you know, Catholic-y or, you know, something like that.” “Like, I’m, I’m Jewish.nn504n00:33:30.481 –> 00:33:31.541nI don’t really know.nn505n00:33:31.541 –> 00:33:34.601nYou know, I, I already have a problem with going into a church, right?nn506n00:33:34.601 –> 00:33:36.941nI got, I’m full of guilt already, you know?nn507n00:33:36.941 –> 00:33:43.021nLike, I don’t know if we should talk about that.” And, um, you know, I w- you know, we got it from, um, from, from Mark.nn508n00:33:43.021 –> 00:33:47.241nAnd so anyway, what it was is basically the seven deadly sins, right?nn509n00:33:47.241 –> 00:33:55.941nAnd what it was, it was pretty much just a breakdown of the, of some, of, of a bunch of questions at how those areas are manifesting in my life.nn510n00:33:55.941 –> 00:34:00.821nAnd I’m like, “Mark, you know, I’ll ne- I, I go, “Chris, you know, I’ll never be perfect.nn511n00:34:00.821 –> 00:34:03.201nYou know, I’m, I’m never gonna get this, you know?nn512n00:34:03.201 –> 00:34:05.661nI’m, I’m never gonna be, you know, not greedy.nn513n00:34:05.661 –> 00:34:07.601nI’m never not gonna be slothful.nn514n00:34:07.601 –> 00:34:14.721nI’m never, you know, not gonna be, you know, uh, have all these, you know, lust problems, you know?” He goes, “Yeah, but it’s not about that.nn515n00:34:14.721 –> 00:34:21.701nIt’s about working towards and with your higher power that you get to, you get relief for some of those.nn516n00:34:21.701 –> 00:34:31.761nBut it’s through 10 and 11 that a lot of those stuff, you know, will be able to help you out.” I go, “Great.” And, uh, so we right then and there, we start doing the list, and we startnn517n00:34:31.761 –> 00:34:33.501nwriting down all the people that I harmed.nn518n00:34:33.501 –> 00:34:41.241nAnd, uh, you know, you would think, I go, “Yeah, well, I’ve been sober, you know, for seven years, so there’s really not that many people,” right?nn519n00:34:41.241 –> 00:34:45.301nAnd about 275 names later, right?nn520n00:34:45.301 –> 00:34:47.601nI’m still writing, you know?nn521n00:34:47.601 –> 00:34:50.221nAnd he goes, “Are you done with that yet or what?” You know?nn522n00:34:50.221 –> 00:34:55.961nThere was a lot more people that I actually harmed in sobriety than while I was out there.nn523n00:34:55.961 –> 00:34:58.561nIt was unbelievable.nn524n00:34:58.561 –> 00:35:07.321nOne of the guys I just saw over New Year’s, he, um, he came right up to me.nn525n00:35:07.321 –> 00:35:09.981nI, I, I didn’t even, I didn’t even recognize the guy.nn526n00:35:09.981 –> 00:35:12.341nHe goes, “Yeah, I know you.nn527n00:35:12.341 –> 00:35:22.801nYou owe me $3,000.” I’m like, “Sweetie, have I been drinking tonight?” I go,nn528n00:35:22.801 –> 00:35:30.413n”I, I don’t even know who you are.” He goes, “Yeah, 15 years ago, you came and you robbed me.” I couldn’t believe it right then and there.nn529n00:35:30.413 –> 00:35:37.473nSo I said, “Give me a second.” And I went into the back room and I started praying, and I started meditating.nn530n00:35:37.473 –> 00:35:43.903nI asked, I said, “Father, gi- give me, give me something here, ’cause I got nothing.” Right.nn531n00:35:43.903 –> 00:35:53.393nAnd, um, right then and there, I said, “Why don’t you come with me?” And we started talking and, and it, it turned out that he actually, he has, he has a alcohol problem himself.nn532n00:35:53.393 –> 00:35:54.883nRight.nn533n00:35:54.883 –> 00:35:57.293nAnd I wrote the check right in my car.nn534n00:35:57.293 –> 00:35:59.793nI said, “Here, do with this what- whatever you will.nn535n00:35:59.793 –> 00:36:04.793nHopefully, uh, hopefully, I can talk to you about Alcohol Anonymous,” and we’re meeting up next week- Mm …nn536n00:36:04.793 –> 00:36:06.153nto talk about the program.nn537n00:36:06.153 –> 00:36:07.623nMm-hmm.nn538n00:36:07.623 –> 00:36:11.033nNow, these are just things that have been happening my entire life.nn539n00:36:11.033 –> 00:36:17.073nThe only difference, though, is that I’ve been asleep to half this stuff, so I’m not fully awake.nn540n00:36:17.073 –> 00:36:20.393nAnd I guarantee you that this stuff has been happening in your life your entire life.nn541n00:36:20.393 –> 00:36:27.753nBut just now that when you finally wake up, you realize exactly what is going on and how cool this is.nn542n00:36:27.753 –> 00:36:37.413nSo we start talking about 10 and 11, and he said, “This is what really differentiates, you know, the boys from the men, the girls from the women.nn543n00:36:37.413 –> 00:36:47.473nThis is grown-up stuff right no- right now that we’re gonna talk about.” And they call it this word, this discipline that our lin- our sponsorship lineage has, has just ingrained in us,nn544n00:36:47.473 –> 00:36:47.653nright?nn545n00:36:47.653 –> 00:36:49.533nAnd I think it’s more of a discipline.nn546n00:36:49.533 –> 00:36:50.793nIt’s almost a way of life.nn547n00:36:50.793 –> 00:36:58.073nIt’s almost a practice where I can be accountable not only for myself and my sponsees, but for God.nn548n00:36:58.073 –> 00:37:00.133nThat’s what this is all about.nn549n00:37:00.133 –> 00:37:04.453nAnd I’ll, I’ll share an experience and, and we’ll start, you know, wrapping down.nn550n00:37:04.453 –> 00:37:14.713nUm, every single night at 10 o’clock, me and all my sponsees, we jump on a conference call, and, uh, we go over, uh, stepsnn551n00:37:14.713 –> 00:37:16.193n10 and 11 every single night.nn552n00:37:16.193 –> 00:37:23.593nUh, it’s something that, uh, similar to, uh, steel on steel, which I don’t know if you guys are familiar with.nn553n00:37:23.593 –> 00:37:34.293nThat we, uh, we read each other’s 10th and 11th step every night, and the other per- the people that are on the line can give feedback for possible considerationsnn554n00:37:34.293 –> 00:37:37.872nof, you know, how I might, you know, handle a situation differently.nn555n00:37:37.872 –> 00:37:43.353nAnd, uh, after I’m done reading, the only thing I can say is, “Thank you very much for that feedback,” you know?nn556n00:37:43.353 –> 00:37:48.473nAnd I’ll tell you, my sponsees, they, uh, they get into me about, uh, you know, some stuff, you know?nn557n00:37:48.473 –> 00:37:53.263nIt’s, uh, there’s some definitely some choice words that I won’t talk about tonight- …nn558n00:37:53.263 –> 00:37:53.853nthat they use.nn559n00:37:53.853 –> 00:37:58.373nAnd, um, it’s a gr- it’s a great, uh, it’s a great practice.nn560n00:37:58.373 –> 00:37:59.993nI’ll tell a bit…nn561n00:37:59.993 –> 00:38:03.513nI’ll tell you guys about an experience that I had just two months ago.nn562n00:38:03.513 –> 00:38:06.473nWe’re on the nightly call, 10 o’clock.nn563n00:38:06.473 –> 00:38:07.293nWe’re all reading our…nn564n00:38:07.293 –> 00:38:13.253nYou know, we’re going through 10 and 11, and, uh, one of the guys started talking about his, uh, his adoption.nn565n00:38:13.253 –> 00:38:17.373nAnd I said, “Oh, wow.” Uh, I was adopted myself.nn566n00:38:17.373 –> 00:38:24.813nI, um, I was adopted from when I was an early child, and, um, great parents I have now, just unbelievable.nn567n00:38:24.813 –> 00:38:28.373nYou know, they really, they, they gave me everything that, uh, that I needed.nn568n00:38:28.373 –> 00:38:37.273nAnd, um, so he started talking about his adoption, and I thought, “Okay, I hadn’t really put much thought or consideration into that.nn569n00:38:37.273 –> 00:38:47.193nYou know, let me take this into prayer and meditation tonight.” And so I went into meditation, and I started just thinking about, you know, the life that I’ve been given.nn570n00:38:47.193 –> 00:38:56.333nYou know, I started thinking about, you know, maybe if you can, you know, if you can help me, direct me towards my parents, you know, this would be an amazing thing.nn571n00:38:56.333 –> 00:39:03.333nVery next day, I get a phone call from my brother, who actually happens to be adopted himself.nn572n00:39:03.333 –> 00:39:11.413nHe goes, “I was actually looking on the internet for some research about himself and his parents, and I found something about you.” Hmm.nn573n00:39:11.413 –> 00:39:17.073nAnd I go, “Oh, no.” “What’s, what did you find on the internet about me?” You know?nn574n00:39:17.073 –> 00:39:27.073nAnd, um, he goes, “No, I was on an adoption registry, and I saw your name and your date of birth.” I go, “Okay, that’s interesting.” Someonenn575n00:39:27.073 –> 00:39:31.613nposted something and they want to find you, and they put an email address in the bottom.nn576n00:39:31.613 –> 00:39:33.993nI go, “Okay, well, you know, thanks.nn577n00:39:33.993 –> 00:39:41.153nYou know, I’ll, I’ll probably get in touch with that person.” So about a week goes by, and, uh, I finally say, “You know what?nn578n00:39:41.153 –> 00:39:43.833nI think I’m ready.” And I wrote that email.nn579n00:39:43.833 –> 00:39:46.473nI had no idea who it was, who it was going to.nn580n00:39:46.473 –> 00:39:52.613nAnd within about 20 minutes, I got a response, and it was my father.nn581n00:39:52.613 –> 00:40:00.113nHe said, “Call me on this number.” I say, “Okay, great.” Uh, I was down in Philadelphia at that time.nn582n00:40:00.113 –> 00:40:01.193nI was doing a workshop.nn583n00:40:01.193 –> 00:40:06.173nAnd, uh, I said, “Okay.” I said a prayer, and I called, I called him up.nn584n00:40:06.173 –> 00:40:10.213nAnd he said, “You know, I’ve been looking for you for 30 years.nn585n00:40:10.213 –> 00:40:20.823nI’ve been looking for you.” And he said, “Thank God, you know, I, uh, I finally got you on the phone.” I go, “Wow, that’s that’s,nn586n00:40:20.823 –> 00:40:21.273nthat’s cool.nn587n00:40:21.273 –> 00:40:31.273nCan I meet you?” He goes, “Sure.” He goes, “I live in Philadelphia.” Inn588n00:40:31.333 –> 00:40:41.833ngo, “Okay, great.” He goes, “What street are you on?” I go, “Hold on one second.” And I ran to the corner and I go, “I’m on South Third Street right now.”nn589n00:40:41.833 –> 00:40:52.093nHe goes, “Yeah, me too.” He goes, “You see a Starbucks?” I say, “Yeah, I’m actually right in front of it.” Henn590n00:40:52.093 –> 00:40:53.173nwas in the Starbucks.nn591n00:40:53.173 –> 00:40:54.253nWow.nn592n00:40:54.253 –> 00:40:55.213nWow.nn593n00:40:55.213 –> 00:41:00.573nThat’s amazing.nn594n00:41:00.573 –> 00:41:02.973nThat’s cool.nn595n00:41:02.973 –> 00:41:07.533nYeah.nn596n00:41:07.533 –> 00:41:09.493nWow.nn597n00:41:09.493 –> 00:41:16.793nYou know, y- y- you can’t make this up.nn598n00:41:16.793 –> 00:41:19.663nNo.nn599n00:41:19.663 –> 00:41:27.493nIf I didn’t do what was in this book, I would’ve never had an experience like that.nn600n00:41:27.493 –> 00:41:39.913nAnd the first thing I said to the guy was, “Oh, thank God you got a full set of hair.”nn601n00:41:39.913 –> 00:41:42.483nI like my, my hair.nn602n00:41:42.483 –> 00:41:47.063nMan.nn603n00:41:47.063 –> 00:41:57.063nI go, “You’re taller.” And he said, “Hey, I could’ve used a couple inches here, you know?” And, uh, he said, “Yeah, you know, by the way, you got a brother and younn604n00:41:57.063 –> 00:42:00.543ngot a sister also.” He said, “You wanna go meet them?nn605n00:42:00.543 –> 00:42:03.003nThey’re down the street.” I go, “You bet I wanna meet them,” you know?nn606n00:42:03.003 –> 00:42:12.023nAnd it turns out that I have a 16-year-old brother, and he’s actually going through something right now, and he has a drinking problem just like me.nn607n00:42:12.023 –> 00:42:12.583nWow.nn608n00:42:12.583 –> 00:42:13.183nYeah.nn609n00:42:13.183 –> 00:42:18.623nAnd now all of a sudden, right, I’m thinking about what I’m gonna get out of this relationship.nn610n00:42:18.623 –> 00:42:29.663nI’m thinking about what’s all about me and, and the years and the torment that I’ve gone through and all this non-stuff, and all of a sudden, God brings me here to, to, to meet this kid, right?nn611n00:42:29.663 –> 00:42:31.282nHow cool.nn612n00:42:31.282 –> 00:42:36.102nAnd so I get to sit with him, and we’re start talking about the book now, my brother.nn613n00:42:36.102 –> 00:42:39.143nI mean, how cool is that?nn614n00:42:39.143 –> 00:42:39.903nWow.nn615n00:42:39.903 –> 00:42:40.783nVery cool.nn616n00:42:40.783 –> 00:42:48.703nI didn’t realize I’m half Sicilian.nn617n00:42:48.703 –> 00:42:54.883nI’ve always loved spaghetti and sauce, you know?nn618n00:42:54.883 –> 00:42:56.263nI go, “This is…nn619n00:42:56.263 –> 00:42:58.143nIt all makes sense,” you know?nn620n00:42:58.143 –> 00:43:01.723nI celebrated my first Christmas, you know?nn621n00:43:01.723 –> 00:43:05.623n30 years old, my first Christmas, you know, with, uh, with my dad.nn622n00:43:05.623 –> 00:43:09.823nAnd, uh, I’ll tell you, it, it was the coolest thing this past year, you know?nn623n00:43:09.823 –> 00:43:16.463nAnd we, we just got to, you know, hang out and, and talk and, um, man, it was just a, it was just unbelievable experience.nn624n00:43:16.463 –> 00:43:19.783nNow, these experiences are gonna continuously happen, right?nn625n00:43:19.783 –> 00:43:21.523nThat’s just one example of an experience.nn626n00:43:21.523 –> 00:43:26.843nI can, I can talk all night about these experiences that I’ve been having.nn627n00:43:26.843 –> 00:43:28.583nBut what’s your experience?nn628n00:43:28.583 –> 00:43:30.803nWhat’s your truth?nn629n00:43:30.803 –> 00:43:35.143nWhat’s the experience that you had with Alcoholics Anonymous?nn630n00:43:35.143 –> 00:43:41.603nBecause there’s lots of knowledge in AA, and there’s lots of people who study this book, right?nn631n00:43:41.603 –> 00:43:48.143nBut I’m all about the people who wanna have an experience with it because that’s an experience that I’ll never forget.nn632n00:43:48.143 –> 00:43:58.243nThat’s an experience that I’ll hold with me till the day I die, and it’s only because there were guys who knew what was in that booknn633n00:43:58.243 –> 00:43:59.323nand told me the truth.nn634n00:43:59.323 –> 00:44:01.823nThat’s all I got.nn635n00:44:01.823 –> 00:44:02.223nThanks.nn”;

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