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const vttText = “WEBVTTnn1n00:00:00.140 –> 00:00:01.340nMy name is, uh, Tom Pick.nn2n00:00:01.340 –> 00:00:02.540nI’m a recovered alcoholic.nn3n00:00:02.540 –> 00:00:03.779nTom.nn4n00:00:03.779 –> 00:00:06.219nMy home group is the Primary Purpose Group in Dallas.nn5n00:00:06.219 –> 00:00:07.599nGlad to be here.nn6n00:00:07.599 –> 00:00:11.839nUm, I, I flew in to surprise Janine.nn7n00:00:11.839 –> 00:00:16.320nShe had no clue I was coming in and, um, I’m just– I’m really excited to be here.nn8n00:00:16.320 –> 00:00:16.760nShe’s…nn9n00:00:16.760 –> 00:00:19.839nUh, for those of you who don’t know, I, I sponsor her.nn10n00:00:19.839 –> 00:00:30.000nAnd you, you guys that are, that are sponsoring people, you know how you gotta go through, like, fifty people before you get one that really takes it and runs with it and, and just lights the, the AA worldnn11n00:00:30.000 –> 00:00:31.160non fire?nn12n00:00:31.160 –> 00:00:37.659nShe’s, she’s that one out of fifty, and, um, it’s been a, it’s been an absolute delight to work with her.nn13n00:00:37.659 –> 00:00:40.520nUm, she was such a knucklehead.nn14n00:00:40.520 –> 00:00:42.039nI mean, she was just…nn15n00:00:42.039 –> 00:00:46.219nShe, she, she, she’d been sober for a long time.nn16n00:00:46.219 –> 00:00:50.100nShe tried to get sober again and was just, and just wasn’t catching it.nn17n00:00:50.100 –> 00:00:59.240nAnd I, uh, I was doing a foundation meeting at a, at a recovery house she was staying at over, uh, over Skype, and, um, she was there with a few other people.nn18n00:00:59.240 –> 00:01:02.119nAnd, uh, and, um, she, she called me.nn19n00:01:02.119 –> 00:01:06.680nI don’t know if it was later that day or the next day or maybe it was a couple of days, but she, she called me up.nn20n00:01:06.680 –> 00:01:10.120nShe’s like, “Oh, man, I really loved what you had to say,” and da, da, da, da.nn21n00:01:10.120 –> 00:01:16.840nAnd, and she’s talking, and you know how when, when a, a new person comes up to you and you can kinda, you can kinda tell they’re just kinda beating around the bush?nn22n00:01:16.840 –> 00:01:20.019nThey, they wanna ask you to work with them, but, but they don’t have the guts.nn23n00:01:20.019 –> 00:01:26.219nAnd, and I was like, “You, you probably want me to take you through the steps, right?” And she’s like, “Well, yeah.” Yeah.nn24n00:01:26.219 –> 00:01:28.659nI, and I tried to talk her out of it.nn25n00:01:28.659 –> 00:01:29.659nI mean, I, I tried.nn26n00:01:29.659 –> 00:01:32.140nIt’s like: Look, you’ve got girls there.nn27n00:01:32.140 –> 00:01:35.980n”No, but this is…” And I’m like: Look, I’m gonna, I’m gonna talk to my sponsor.nn28n00:01:35.980 –> 00:01:40.060nAnd I’m thinking, “Oh, he’ll, he’ll talk me out of it.” So I, you know, I talked to my sponsor.nn29n00:01:40.060 –> 00:01:50.260nI’m like, “You know, there’s this chick out in California and, you know, what should I do?” He’s like, “Well, help her.” He says, “But talk to your wife first.” And I thought, “Oh, my wife will definitely save me.” And my wife was like, “Helpnn30n00:01:50.260 –> 00:01:53.340nher.” And then I called her back.nn31n00:01:53.340 –> 00:01:54.680nI’m like: Are you sure?nn32n00:01:54.680 –> 00:01:58.500nAnd, and she was, she was ready to rock and roll.nn33n00:01:58.500 –> 00:02:00.819nAnd I told her, I was like: You know, I’m, I’m gonna treat you like the guys.nn34n00:02:00.819 –> 00:02:01.799nNo-nothing special.nn35n00:02:01.799 –> 00:02:05.280nYou’re not gonna get no girly treatment, no fuzzy stuff.nn36n00:02:05.280 –> 00:02:08.560nI mean, I’m just gonna pimp slap you when, when you need it.nn37n00:02:08.560 –> 00:02:12.000nAnd, and, and she agreed to it.nn38n00:02:12.000 –> 00:02:21.780nAnd, and I did it, and, and she took it, and, and, and, and lo and behold, a, a, a couple weeks later, there’s, there’s a, there’s a shift in her thinking.nn39n00:02:21.780 –> 00:02:28.840nThere’s, there’s a, a, a shift in, in her outlook on life and, and her part in the world and, and the role she’s here to play.nn40n00:02:28.840 –> 00:02:33.060nAnd it’s, it’s, it’s something that, that, that, that nobody ever saw coming.nn41n00:02:33.060 –> 00:02:35.759nIt’s, it’s one of those things that is just so profound.nn42n00:02:35.759 –> 00:02:42.819nAnd, and she has been dedicated to, to, to serving others and working with others since she had, like, two or three weeks sober.nn43n00:02:42.819 –> 00:02:48.979nAnd she’s been out there on the firing line and just taking a bunch of crap from a bunch of different angles like, like some of us do.nn44n00:02:48.979 –> 00:02:52.159nAnd, um, and I’m, I’m so proud of her.nn45n00:02:52.159 –> 00:02:55.599nIf, if my kid needed a sponsor, she’d be the first person I’d call.nn46n00:02:55.599 –> 00:02:57.659nThat’s, that’s how, how cool she is.nn47n00:02:57.659 –> 00:03:04.219nSo I’ll let her finish the rest of her story, but, um, I’ll bring Janine on.nn48n00:03:04.219 –> 00:03:10.719nI’m Janine.nn49n00:03:10.719 –> 00:03:11.860nI’m a recovered alcoholic.nn50n00:03:11.860 –> 00:03:13.280nHi, Janine.nn51n00:03:13.280 –> 00:03:20.360nAnd, uh, grateful to be, um, asked to speak at Primary Purpose Group.nn52n00:03:20.360 –> 00:03:23.180nUm, so Angie, thank you for asking me.nn53n00:03:23.180 –> 00:03:25.199nAnd, and Tom, thank you for flying out.nn54n00:03:25.199 –> 00:03:27.419nUh, surprise of my life seeing you here.nn55n00:03:27.419 –> 00:03:28.219nI had no idea.nn56n00:03:28.219 –> 00:03:31.879nUm, you know, it, it’s just an honor to speak.nn57n00:03:31.879 –> 00:03:34.919nYou know, I, I tend to…nn58n00:03:34.919 –> 00:03:41.199nYou know, when I talk about how grateful I am for my life, you know, I tend to call it ’cause of PPG, you know?nn59n00:03:41.199 –> 00:03:51.539nA-and, and it really– What I’m grateful for is AA, but the members of Primary Purpose Group brought me AA for the first time in fifteen years.nn60n00:03:51.539 –> 00:03:56.719nAnd so sometimes it’s hard for me to decipher, you know, like, my gratitude for PPG.nn61n00:03:56.719 –> 00:04:01.300nYou know, it, it, it is– I– My gratitude is for Alcoholics Anonymous, you know?nn62n00:04:01.300 –> 00:04:08.979nBut the members of Primary Purpose Group, Tom, my sponsor, um, you know, taught me what Alcoholics Anonymous is.nn63n00:04:08.979 –> 00:04:13.620nAnd, um, I first got to AA in 1997.nn64n00:04:13.620 –> 00:04:16.120nUm, I was gonna get sober.nn65n00:04:16.120 –> 00:04:18.420nI had had a one-man intervention done on me.nn66n00:04:18.420 –> 00:04:27.899nIt was my boyfriend of a couple years, and he sat me down and was crying, and he said, “I love you, but I’m leaving if you don’t do something about this.” And, uh, and I was ready.nn67n00:04:27.899 –> 00:04:29.240nI was ready to do something about it.nn68n00:04:29.240 –> 00:04:37.819nAnd so I went to treatment, and I stayed ninety days in the treatment center, and I l-lived sober living two years, and I did everything I was told to do.nn69n00:04:37.819 –> 00:04:40.399nUm, I got real active.nn70n00:04:40.399 –> 00:04:42.759nYou know, I was going to a ton of meetings all the time.nn71n00:04:42.759 –> 00:04:43.980nI got commitments.nn72n00:04:43.980 –> 00:04:46.579nI was going to all the sober events.nn73n00:04:46.579 –> 00:04:48.699nAnd, um, and I stayed sober.nn74n00:04:48.699 –> 00:04:51.379nI stayed sober for ten and a half years.nn75n00:04:51.379 –> 00:04:55.660nUm, and in that ten and a half years, I got a good life, you know?nn76n00:04:55.660 –> 00:05:05.620nI mean, I ended up getting married to that man that, the boyfriend that did the intervention, and we bought a home, and we had two beautiful little girls, and I had a career going that I’d been at almost ten years.nn77n00:05:05.620 –> 00:05:12.000nAnd, um, and what happened was, um, you know, at– I had been unraveling for quite a while.nn78n00:05:12.000 –> 00:05:22.040nI– When I took my ten-year chip, I remember vividly standing from the podium and saying, “I’m ten years sober, but nothing’s good innn79n00:05:22.040 –> 00:05:23.300nmy life right now.” You know?nn80n00:05:23.300 –> 00:05:24.899nI mean, I had turmoil in my marriage.nn81n00:05:24.899 –> 00:05:26.600nI could barely raise these kids.nn82n00:05:26.600 –> 00:05:27.439nI was tense.nn83n00:05:27.439 –> 00:05:31.959nI was unraveling, and I’d been unraveling for a couple years.nn84n00:05:31.959 –> 00:05:37.139nUm, you know, and that unraveling, I– It’s that spiritual malady.nn85n00:05:37.139 –> 00:05:41.459nIt’s that internal discomfort that, that started coming back, you know?nn86n00:05:41.459 –> 00:05:51.459nAnd, um, and so at ten years sober, you know, having that, that restless, irritable, discontent stuff going on inside, um, Inn87n00:05:51.459 –> 00:05:54.240ncould only hang on for six more months before I picked up a drink.nn88n00:05:54.240 –> 00:06:00.259nAnd, uh, and when I picked up the drink, you know, I had to call girls that I was sponsoring and tell them they had to get a new sponsor.nn89n00:06:00.259 –> 00:06:05.959nAnd, um, I had to tell friends that I’ve– you know, longtime friends that I’ve known in the program that, you know…nn90n00:06:05.959 –> 00:06:11.399nAnd, and a lot of them, you know- They were like, “Wow, this is scary.” You know, “This is freaking us out.nn91n00:06:11.399 –> 00:06:13.180nYou had over a decade of sobriety,” you know?nn92n00:06:13.180 –> 00:06:18.649nAnd, um, and, and I said, “You know, don’t worry because I know I’m an alcoholic, and I’ll be back.nn93n00:06:18.649 –> 00:06:28.680nI’m just gonna drink for a while.” And, you know, with that statement- With that statement, you know, in hindsight I look back, and it’s like I so didn’t g- understand whatnn94n00:06:28.680 –> 00:06:29.579nI was afflicted with.nn95n00:06:29.579 –> 00:06:37.759nI f- I mean, for me to think that it’s all good ’cause I’m just gonna come back when I’m ready, I didn’t realize this whole powerlessness thing, clearly.nn96n00:06:37.759 –> 00:06:42.879nYou know, I thought that when I made the decision to come back, I was just gonna get to come back and be with you all.nn97n00:06:42.879 –> 00:06:45.079nAnd, and that was not my experience.nn98n00:06:45.079 –> 00:06:55.649nYou know, about two weeks into the drinking, I was ready to come back, and, uh, and I came back, and I’d come to the meeting, and the obsession was so great and, and that itnn99n00:06:55.649 –> 00:06:55.899n…nn100n00:06:55.899 –> 00:06:59.480nI’d leave the meeting, and I’d have to stop at the liquor store or BevMo!nn101n00:06:59.480 –> 00:07:02.000nor wherever the heck I was gonna go to, you know, get some stuff.nn102n00:07:02.000 –> 00:07:12.120nAnd, um, and, and the best way for me to describe what was going on during that period of time is, um, you know, in the doctor’s opinion where it talks about how, you know, we’re restless, irritable,nn103n00:07:12.120 –> 00:07:13.040nand discontent.nn104n00:07:13.040 –> 00:07:13.709nYou know what I mean?nn105n00:07:13.709 –> 00:07:16.899nAnd, and I’m seeking a sense of ease and comfort.nn106n00:07:16.899 –> 00:07:19.199nI need something to treat this internal condition.nn107n00:07:19.199 –> 00:07:20.279nIt demands treatment.nn108n00:07:20.279 –> 00:07:27.060nYou know, whether I’m gonna treat it with God and a spiritual awakening or I’m gonna treat it with alcohol, this internal stuff demanded treatment.nn109n00:07:27.060 –> 00:07:33.600nAnd so like the book says, men and women essentially, you know, we drink because we like the effect, and that’s what I needed.nn110n00:07:33.600 –> 00:07:34.459nI needed the effect.nn111n00:07:34.459 –> 00:07:43.139nI needed that magic that happens where I can breathe, and I can be okay, and I c- shoulders drop, and I’m just I needed that.nn112n00:07:43.139 –> 00:07:45.639nYou know, that’s what I was seeking, ease and comfort.nn113n00:07:45.639 –> 00:07:51.360nAnd, um, and, you know, I would tell my, my husband, you know, “I’m done.nn114n00:07:51.360 –> 00:07:53.279nI’m done,” ’cause he, he was starting to get mad.nn115n00:07:53.279 –> 00:07:53.800nYou know what I mean?nn116n00:07:53.800 –> 00:07:55.680nHe was starting to say, you know, “You’re really an alcoholic.nn117n00:07:55.680 –> 00:07:56.420nYou’re blacking out.nn118n00:07:56.420 –> 00:08:03.300nThe kids are sleeping.” And, um, you know, and I was, I was trying to judge my drinking based on, you know, thinking that …nn119n00:08:03.300 –> 00:08:08.519nBecause I prided myself on the fact that I would make sure the kids were in bed before I would start drinking, you know?nn120n00:08:08.519 –> 00:08:14.779nAnd, and so I felt like that was okay, that was being a good mom ’cause they’re asleep, and then once they’re asleep I can start drinking.nn121n00:08:14.779 –> 00:08:19.899nWell, bedtime started getting earlier and earlier and earlier and, you know, by 5:45 it’s like, “Hop it up, kids.nn122n00:08:19.899 –> 00:08:20.879nTime for bed.” You know?nn123n00:08:20.879 –> 00:08:22.540nIt’s like, “Mommy’s gotta drink,” you know?nn124n00:08:22.540 –> 00:08:29.279nAnd, um, my ex-husband would come home, you know, it’s like 5:45, and the kids are in bed, and I’m wasted, you know?nn125n00:08:29.279 –> 00:08:35.179nAnd he’s like, “Okay, this is not, um, going well.” And, and so I’d, I’d promise, like, “I’m done.nn126n00:08:35.179 –> 00:08:37.480nIt’s not gonna happen again.” I mean, how many …nn127n00:08:37.480 –> 00:08:42.700nI, I know p- you know, real alcoholics out there can identify with making that promise, meaning it.nn128n00:08:42.700 –> 00:08:44.019nLike, I was not lying.nn129n00:08:44.019 –> 00:08:44.639nI meant it.nn130n00:08:44.639 –> 00:08:46.519nIt wasn’t gonna happen again, you know?nn131n00:08:46.519 –> 00:08:51.649nAnd then the next day that, that obsession, that damn obsession, I couldn’t not …nn132n00:08:51.649 –> 00:08:55.769nYou know, and that internal discomfort, I couldn’t not drink, you know?nn133n00:08:55.769 –> 00:08:58.360nAnd to him I looked like I was the biggest liar, you know?nn134n00:08:58.360 –> 00:09:00.899nHe’d say, “You told me you were done,” you know?nn135n00:09:00.899 –> 00:09:05.019nAnd he just, he didn’t get that, that I meant it when I said it.nn136n00:09:05.019 –> 00:09:07.019nI just didn’t have the power to pull that off.nn137n00:09:07.019 –> 00:09:08.549nI, you know, I, um …nn138n00:09:08.549 –> 00:09:16.759nAnd so what it talks about, this is what I, you know, for three years basically after making that decision that, yeah, I’m ready to come back to AA, I’m ready to get sober, right?nn139n00:09:16.759 –> 00:09:21.580nSo I thought that that’s all it took was I just get to make the decision and come here, and I’m gonna get sober.nn140n00:09:21.580 –> 00:09:26.960nYou know, having that power of choice which the book on page 24 says I’ve lost that power of choice.nn141n00:09:26.960 –> 00:09:30.419nSo, you know, me, me getting up and saying, “I choose today.nn142n00:09:30.419 –> 00:09:31.379nToday’s the day.nn143n00:09:31.379 –> 00:09:33.059nIt’s gonna be my sobriety date,” you know?nn144n00:09:33.059 –> 00:09:35.159nI, I didn’t have the power to pull that choice off.nn145n00:09:35.159 –> 00:09:36.980nI had to get access to some power.nn146n00:09:36.980 –> 00:09:40.940nUm, but so for three years what happened was this.nn147n00:09:40.940 –> 00:09:45.700nThis, uh, you know, in XXI- X, you know, the restless, irritable, discontent.nn148n00:09:45.700 –> 00:09:48.779nI’m s- I’m so wanting some ease and comfort, right?nn149n00:09:48.779 –> 00:09:50.179nI succumb to the desire.nn150n00:09:50.179 –> 00:09:51.720nI take a drink, you know?nn151n00:09:51.720 –> 00:09:54.240nI go through the well-known stages of a spree, right?nn152n00:09:54.240 –> 00:09:58.899n’Cause of the craving I’m probably drinking more and more, and, um, I emerge remorseful, right?nn153n00:09:58.899 –> 00:10:02.159nAgain, firm resolution, it’s not gonna happen again, you know?nn154n00:10:02.159 –> 00:10:04.799nAnd, and repeated over and over and over.nn155n00:10:04.799 –> 00:10:07.019nAnd I mean, I could finish my story there.nn156n00:10:07.019 –> 00:10:08.659nLike, that’s the story of my drinking.nn157n00:10:08.659 –> 00:10:14.379nLike, that’s what happened for three years of, of just this, I was doomed to repeat this over and over.nn158n00:10:14.379 –> 00:10:22.679nAnd, um, you know, I had well-intentioned, loving, amazing sponsors who loved me, who wanted to help me.nn159n00:10:22.679 –> 00:10:28.899nYou know, they would tell me things like, “Go to 90 meetings in 90 days.” Everything they told me to do wasn’t working, you know?nn160n00:10:28.899 –> 00:10:33.360nAnd, and so I’d go to 90 meetings in 90 days and get a commitment, you know, pick up cigarette butts.nn161n00:10:33.360 –> 00:10:36.460nI’d go, I’d be picking up cigarette butts, you know, and, and I’d leave, and I’d drink.nn162n00:10:36.460 –> 00:10:39.039nI mean, every meeting I went to I would leave and drink.nn163n00:10:39.039 –> 00:10:44.200nAnd, and I couldn’t, um, I couldn’t understand why because I wanted to stop, you know?nn164n00:10:44.200 –> 00:10:45.679nAnd, and, and the book talks about that.nn165n00:10:45.679 –> 00:10:51.740nIt says that, you know, we cross over to a state where the most powerful desire to stop is of absolutely no avail.nn166n00:10:51.740 –> 00:10:53.700nAnd, and I had a powerful desire to stop.nn167n00:10:53.700 –> 00:10:58.899nI mean, that’s why I was going to all these meetings and going to the CoCo’s dinners and going to the …nn168n00:10:58.899 –> 00:11:03.899nI mean, I was doing all the stuff, you know, that, that I was told to do, and, and it, it, it wasn’t working for me.nn169n00:11:03.899 –> 00:11:07.019nUm, you know, one of the things, I have it written down here.nn170n00:11:07.019 –> 00:11:12.399nYou know, one of those sayings that they say is, you know, “Just don’t pick up no matter what,” right?nn171n00:11:12.399 –> 00:11:15.110nAnd, and I used to tell myself that.nn172n00:11:15.110 –> 00:11:16.840n”Just don’t pick up no matter what.nn173n00:11:16.840 –> 00:11:18.669nEven if your ass falls off,” they say.nn174n00:11:18.669 –> 00:11:22.879nYou know, but, but, see, that assumes that I have the power to do that, you know?nn175n00:11:22.879 –> 00:11:24.679nAnd, and I don’t.nn176n00:11:24.679 –> 00:11:29.519nYou know, again, I, I know I am a real alcoholic because I don’t.nn177n00:11:29.519 –> 00:11:35.659nAnd, and I’ve spent a lot of wasted hours trying to talk to people that swear they have the power to choose, you know?nn178n00:11:35.659 –> 00:11:37.899nThey wake up, they choose not to do it, you know?nn179n00:11:37.899 –> 00:11:42.149nAnd it’s like I can’t, I, I can’t sit there and debate with somebody who, who does have that power.nn180n00:11:42.149 –> 00:11:50.600nI know for me that I woke up every day and made a choice not to do this, and hours later, you know, banging my hand on the table saying, “I’m here again?nn181n00:11:50.600 –> 00:11:53.659nHow did I get here again?” Like, “I, I swore I wasn’t gonna be here again.nn182n00:11:53.659 –> 00:11:59.379nThis was not gonna happen again.” Um, you know, that, that lack of power was truly my dilemma.nn183n00:11:59.379 –> 00:12:03.919nUm, and so, you know, these loving sponsors, you know, they …nn184n00:12:03.919 –> 00:12:07.820nSome of the things, like this one sponsor who I know loved me, I mean, adored me.nn185n00:12:07.820 –> 00:12:11.360nYou know, she had told me, “You get 30 days, and we’re gonna start working the steps.nn186n00:12:11.360 –> 00:12:12.159nOkay, hon?” You know?nn187n00:12:12.159 –> 00:12:14.639nAnd, and I’d, I’d, “Okay,” you know?nn188n00:12:14.639 –> 00:12:16.590nAnd, and I never got to that 30 days.nn189n00:12:16.590 –> 00:12:18.299nI couldn’t put together 30 days.nn190n00:12:18.299 –> 00:12:21.669nAnd again, you know, that assumes that I have the power to get 30 days.nn191n00:12:21.669 –> 00:12:26.100nIf I do, then I probably don’t need AA if I can put together time, you know?nn192n00:12:26.100 –> 00:12:36.248nAnd, and- Um, and so what ended up happening was I just kept relapsing, and if you asked me if I was working AA, like a lot of people would say, “Are you working the program?” And it’s like, I’d tell you, “Yeah.”nn193n00:12:36.248 –> 00:12:36.947nI was.nn194n00:12:36.947 –> 00:12:37.967nI was working AA.nn195n00:12:37.967 –> 00:12:43.528nAnd what I come to find out is that, no, I was, I was right smack dab in the middle of the fellowship of AA.nn196n00:12:43.528 –> 00:12:45.187nThat’s where I was.nn197n00:12:45.187 –> 00:12:52.347nYou know, and there is a difference between the program of AA and the fellowship of AA, and, and, you know, the fellowship is awesome.nn198n00:12:52.347 –> 00:12:57.488nI love, you know, I love all the gatherings and the workshops and the people, and I love it.nn199n00:12:57.488 –> 00:13:04.967nBut it’s like what the book says is no human power is gonna relieve my alcoholism, and so it’s like all your love– I was so loved in AA.nn200n00:13:04.967 –> 00:13:09.048nYou guys, that love didn’t, it, it wasn’t the necessary power.nn201n00:13:09.048 –> 00:13:09.327nYou know?nn202n00:13:09.327 –> 00:13:10.528nIt’s like I had my husband’s love.nn203n00:13:10.528 –> 00:13:11.668nI had my kids’ love.nn204n00:13:11.668 –> 00:13:14.788nI had love, love, love, and I couldn’t get sober, you know?nn205n00:13:14.788 –> 00:13:22.707nAnd, um, and so what ended up happening is my, you know– I mean, long story short, I ended up– My husband divorced me.nn206n00:13:22.707 –> 00:13:25.288nA, you know, thirteen-year marriage gone.nn207n00:13:25.288 –> 00:13:27.787nUm, I lost custody of my two little girls.nn208n00:13:27.787 –> 00:13:30.187nUm, I didn’t see them for seven months.nn209n00:13:30.187 –> 00:13:33.947nUh, lost my job, the job that I was at over ten years, you know.nn210n00:13:33.947 –> 00:13:38.567nThis, this great career, cush job, you know, own office window, you know, just, um…nn211n00:13:38.567 –> 00:13:48.727nEverything started to go, and, and, um, and I, I went through treatment again, you know, and tried to, again, to treat that internal condition, you know, in that treatment center, that secondnn212n00:13:48.727 –> 00:13:49.908ntreatment center I went through.nn213n00:13:49.908 –> 00:13:59.577nUm, I was trying to treat that internal discomfort, and, and so I was trying with pills, you know, and, and psychiatrists and lovers and, you know.nn214n00:13:59.577 –> 00:14:03.207nI mean, it was like all these things that I kept thinking were gonna treat, you know.nn215n00:14:03.207 –> 00:14:04.768nLike, I, I thought, “Oh, okay, you know what?nn216n00:14:04.768 –> 00:14:09.008nIt wasn’t marriage and kids and career that I wanted.nn217n00:14:09.008 –> 00:14:13.368nIt must have been hot boyfriend and dog and walks on the beach.” So then I’d get that, you know?nn218n00:14:13.368 –> 00:14:16.207nAnd, and then I’d still be restless, irritable, and discontent.nn219n00:14:16.207 –> 00:14:17.488nAnd I’d think, “Well then, it wasn’t him.nn220n00:14:17.488 –> 00:14:19.268nIt was supposed to be him,” and, you know.nn221n00:14:19.268 –> 00:14:20.408nIt was like I was constantly…nn222n00:14:20.408 –> 00:14:22.288nAnd, and so that treatment was just a waste.nn223n00:14:22.288 –> 00:14:27.158nAnd, um, and I ended up in a treatment center, um, by the grace of God.nn224n00:14:27.158 –> 00:14:28.587nI, I had nothing left.nn225n00:14:28.587 –> 00:14:38.687nI mean, everything was gone, and I was calling to try to get my boyfriend at the time into treatment, who had money, and, uh, ended up talking on the phone to the owner of this treatment center,nn226n00:14:38.687 –> 00:14:47.177nwho basically just said, “Can you meet…” You know, “What are, what are you doing?” And I said, “Well, I’m just gonna sit here and rot.” You know, because Al-Alcoholics Anonymous wasn’t working, you know?nn227n00:14:47.177 –> 00:14:50.087nWhich I, you know, I was not working Alcoholics Anonymous.nn228n00:14:50.087 –> 00:14:54.548nI was not working the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is what treats alcoholism.nn229n00:14:54.548 –> 00:15:04.607nUm, I was just in the middle of the fellowship with people that are just as powerless over alcohol as I am, you know, and, and expecting to tap into your power over alcohol,nn230n00:15:04.607 –> 00:15:06.067nyou know, where, where you don’t even…nn231n00:15:06.067 –> 00:15:07.768nYou’re powerless over alcohol, you know?nn232n00:15:07.768 –> 00:15:09.567nSo it’s like two powerless people.nn233n00:15:09.567 –> 00:15:11.008nHow much power over alcohol is there?nn234n00:15:11.008 –> 00:15:12.087nNot a whole lot.nn235n00:15:12.087 –> 00:15:13.048nNone , you know?nn236n00:15:13.048 –> 00:15:15.947nAnd so, and that’s where I was, trying to find the power.nn237n00:15:15.947 –> 00:15:23.227nAnd, um, and so this guy basically just said, “Well, can you meet me at Olives Viejo in an hour?” And, and I just packed my, you know…nn238n00:15:23.227 –> 00:15:24.888nOkay, and I’m there.nn239n00:15:24.888 –> 00:15:30.447nAnd yeah, so Tom Pick was doing this, this Skype class, and he was talking about step one.nn240n00:15:30.447 –> 00:15:35.168nAnd for the first time in my life, fifteen years by this time I’d been in AA, you know.nn241n00:15:35.168 –> 00:15:36.587nI mean, I know this book through and through.nn242n00:15:36.587 –> 00:15:37.668nI know where everything is.nn243n00:15:37.668 –> 00:15:43.227nYou know, I mean, the self-knowledge, it talks about that, how self-knowledge is not the answer.nn244n00:15:43.227 –> 00:15:44.596nYou know, it’s in the application.nn245n00:15:44.596 –> 00:15:51.268nBecause I, I could sit in the meeting and blow your socks off with a share about, you know, what’s in, you know, what, what pages it’s on.nn246n00:15:51.268 –> 00:15:55.868nI could recite whatever, you know, and yet I couldn’t stay sober, you know, for a couple hours.nn247n00:15:55.868 –> 00:16:00.347nAnd so, you know, knowing this, you know, it works if you work it, not if you know it, you know?nn248n00:16:00.347 –> 00:16:02.587nAnd, and that was something I, I had to learn.nn249n00:16:02.587 –> 00:16:05.827nBut for the first time he was talking about step one, and I was, I was getting it.nn250n00:16:05.827 –> 00:16:07.488nI was understanding what he was saying.nn251n00:16:07.488 –> 00:16:09.307nYou know, it was resonating with me.nn252n00:16:09.307 –> 00:16:10.888nNo human power.nn253n00:16:10.888 –> 00:16:15.087nYou know, loss– You know, page twenty-four, it basically, you know…nn254n00:16:15.087 –> 00:16:23.748nIt says, “The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.” Right?nn255n00:16:23.748 –> 00:16:27.168nAnd it says, “Our so-called willpower becomes practically nonexistent.nn256n00:16:27.168 –> 00:16:37.187nWe’re unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness, with sufficient force, the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.” And so this is something that I used to try to do.nn257n00:16:37.187 –> 00:16:39.268nRight here what it’s telling me is not gonna work.nn258n00:16:39.268 –> 00:16:40.687nI would try to play the tape through.nn259n00:16:40.687 –> 00:16:42.048nHere’s what’s gonna happen.nn260n00:16:42.048 –> 00:16:43.097nYou know, I, I know.nn261n00:16:43.097 –> 00:16:45.087nIf I pick up this drink, I know what’s gonna happen.nn262n00:16:45.087 –> 00:16:46.827nThis, this, this, and this.nn263n00:16:46.827 –> 00:16:52.827nUm, but what it’s saying here is at certain times, the suffering and humiliation and pain of the…nn264n00:16:52.827 –> 00:16:57.347nIt’s, it’s not gonna have enough force, you know, to stop me from doing what I’m doing.nn265n00:16:57.347 –> 00:17:00.008nYou know, or I’m not even gonna remember, you know?nn266n00:17:00.008 –> 00:17:05.367nI mean, it’s gonna be hazy and then supplanted with this idea of how it’s gonna be different this time.nn267n00:17:05.367 –> 00:17:13.147nAnd, and so, you know, all these things that I was relying on as a defense and weren’t working, you know, I, I learned, like, uh, by understanding what the book’s saying.nn268n00:17:13.147 –> 00:17:14.607nIt’s saying I lost the power of choice.nn269n00:17:14.607 –> 00:17:17.146nSo that means I don’t get to say when it’s over.nn270n00:17:17.146 –> 00:17:17.647nI don’t…nn271n00:17:17.647 –> 00:17:20.988nYou know, like my sponsor says, I don’t get to say uncle and have it be over.nn272n00:17:20.988 –> 00:17:23.248nYou know, I’ve, I’ve gotta tap into some kind of power.nn273n00:17:23.248 –> 00:17:30.988nAnd, um, and my sponsor, this sponsor, I mean, you know, taking all 12 steps over Skype, I mean, it’s kinda unheard of, you know?nn274n00:17:30.988 –> 00:17:33.948nUm, working the steps quickly, pretty unheard of.nn275n00:17:33.948 –> 00:17:43.248nUm, you know, I, I sorta got introduced to this PPG, um, you know, I got a taste of it when I had gone to a meeting.nn276n00:17:43.248 –> 00:17:48.647nI was in an AA meeting, and, um, Angie, our, one of our members, had chaired as a recovered alcoholic.nn277n00:17:48.647 –> 00:17:57.728nAnd, and this was, you know, towards the very end of, you know, constant relapses, and, and I, I kind of in my head was, you know, resigned to the fact that I’m not gonna come back to AA.nn278n00:17:57.728 –> 00:18:00.048nI, it’s clearly not working for me, you know?nn279n00:18:00.048 –> 00:18:01.468nI’m not getting anything out of this.nn280n00:18:01.468 –> 00:18:05.857nAnd, uh, Angie had identified as a recovered alcoholic, and I had fifteen years in AA.nn281n00:18:05.857 –> 00:18:06.948nI’d never heard that.nn282n00:18:06.948 –> 00:18:09.448nAnd that, to me, seemed like a lot of ego.nn283n00:18:09.448 –> 00:18:10.248nLike, recovered?nn284n00:18:10.248 –> 00:18:11.928nLike, ooh, whoop-de-doo, you’re up here.nn285n00:18:11.928 –> 00:18:13.748nAnd, you know, I just, I didn’t like it.nn286n00:18:13.748 –> 00:18:20.647nAnd so I, after the meeting, went up to her, and I said, “Recovered?” I said, “You know, I thought we’re never cured.” I mean, I was really, like…nn287n00:18:20.647 –> 00:18:25.917nAnd she said, “Oh, I’m not saying I’m cured.” She said, “I’m, I’m just, I’ve recovered from, from that hopeless state,” you know?nn288n00:18:25.917 –> 00:18:28.288nAnd, and she’s like, “The book tells us,” you know?nn289n00:18:28.288 –> 00:18:30.557nAnd I’m like, “Where?” And it’s like, I don’t know, how many?nn290n00:18:30.557 –> 00:18:33.488nTwenty-eight times in the book, and she’s showing me all recovered, recovered.nn291n00:18:33.488 –> 00:18:36.807nWe have recovered, recovered, recover– It’s all in there, past tense.nn292n00:18:36.807 –> 00:18:41.667nAnd, and in that moment I had thought, “Wow, I’ve read this book a million times in fifteen years.nn293n00:18:41.667 –> 00:18:44.807nIf I can miss that word, what else have I missed?” You know?nn294n00:18:44.807 –> 00:18:46.887nAnd, and come to find out, I’ve missed a whole lot .nn295n00:18:46.887 –> 00:18:49.327nA whole program of action I missed, you know?nn296n00:18:49.327 –> 00:18:54.087nLike, um, you know, AA is a program of 12 steps.nn297n00:18:54.087 –> 00:19:00.048nSo, like, when you say you’re working AA, it’s are you working a program of 12 steps, as, as described in the book?nn298n00:19:00.048 –> 00:19:03.768nUm, with my sponsor, step one was a question.nn299n00:19:03.768 –> 00:19:05.528nAre you powerless or not?nn300n00:19:05.528 –> 00:19:06.067nYou know?nn301n00:19:06.067 –> 00:19:12.988nAnd, and it, it’s one of those things where if you really believe you’re drowning, you’re not…nn302n00:19:12.988 –> 00:19:18.748nYou know, if you’re sure you’re drowning, you’re not gonna need much time to decide to grab the raft, you know what I mean?nn303n00:19:18.748 –> 00:19:24.587nBut, but if you under- you know, if you think that, “Well, maybe I’m not drowning,” you know, then of course you’re gonna say, “You know what?nn304n00:19:24.587 –> 00:19:25.137nWait, I got this.nn305n00:19:25.137 –> 00:19:28.127nI got this.” You know, which is what I used to do a lot of times.nn306n00:19:28.127 –> 00:19:32.907nUh, but at this point I was sure I understood step one, and that, and that I was powerless.nn307n00:19:32.907 –> 00:19:39.728nThat no matter how many times I made the, the firm resolution to stop, that this wasn’t gonna end, and that I needed power greater than myself.nn308n00:19:39.728 –> 00:19:41.508nI needed to have a spiritual awakening.nn309n00:19:41.508 –> 00:19:49.048nAnd I didn’t know how that was gonna happen, um, you know, but, but through taking the steps over, you know, over Skype, I mean, it’s just amazing to me.nn310n00:19:49.048 –> 00:19:51.208nIt’s like, wow, God works over s-Skype, you know?nn311n00:19:51.208 –> 00:19:53.587nGod can really, God can work anywhere.nn312n00:19:53.587 –> 00:19:56.468nHe can work a miracle over Skype, over the phone, you know?nn313n00:19:56.468 –> 00:19:57.028nAnd it’s…nn314n00:19:57.028 –> 00:20:00.147nAnd so, you know, I just, I– The step work wasnn315n00:20:00.286 –> 00:20:01.186nCompletely different.nn316n00:20:01.186 –> 00:20:04.966nUm, you know, st-like I said, step one was a question, step two was a question.nn317n00:20:04.966 –> 00:20:06.206nYou know, it’s like came to believe.nn318n00:20:06.206 –> 00:20:07.766nYou know, are you willing to…nn319n00:20:07.766 –> 00:20:13.986nUh, the book says as soon as we can express even a willingness to believe, we emphatically assure you you’re on your way.nn320n00:20:13.986 –> 00:20:18.966nAnd, and so that tells you that, that if– the minute I say, “Yeah, I’m willing to believe,” I, I’m moving.nn321n00:20:18.966 –> 00:20:20.366nI’m moving on to the next, you know…nn322n00:20:20.366 –> 00:20:23.625nBut I used to like, with sponsors, we’d be stuck on two.nn323n00:20:23.625 –> 00:20:28.906nLike, I had to have– I had to find God, I had to know God, I had to have a relationship with God by two.nn324n00:20:28.906 –> 00:20:29.266nHow?nn325n00:20:29.266 –> 00:20:32.366nBy two I’m still so far blocked from God.nn326n00:20:32.366 –> 00:20:35.446nI mean, you know, nothing, none of the work’s been done at two.nn327n00:20:35.446 –> 00:20:38.106nI haven’t removed any of the, you know, nothing.nn328n00:20:38.106 –> 00:20:41.906nAnd so, you know, so then moving on to step three, and the same thing.nn329n00:20:41.906 –> 00:20:52.106nStep three is a decision, and the book says that though this decision is a vital and crucial step, it’s gonna have little or no permanent effect unless at once, right?nn330n00:20:52.106 –> 00:20:59.186nI don’t know, strenuous work to, to, to get th-to the causes and conditions that are blocking me from God.nn331n00:20:59.186 –> 00:21:07.006nSo even if I make a third step prayer and it’s sincere, you know, the work hasn’t been done yet to unblock me from God.nn332n00:21:07.006 –> 00:21:12.746nAnd so that’s, you know, a lot of people do that, where they make that decision, and then not– they don’t follow through with any of the other work.nn333n00:21:12.746 –> 00:21:15.885nAnd, and so you never get unblocked fr-you know, from God.nn334n00:21:15.885 –> 00:21:23.566nAnd, um, you know, step four, again, you know, step four, I, I, I was given two days to do step four.nn335n00:21:23.566 –> 00:21:25.526nAnd I thought, like, this is some gnarly…nn336n00:21:25.526 –> 00:21:30.406nYou know, and, and again, I associated this kind of step work with PPG, primary purpose group.nn337n00:21:30.406 –> 00:21:34.466nSo I kept telling him, “This, this new program is crazy,” you know?nn338n00:21:34.466 –> 00:21:36.786nAnd he’s like, “Dude, this is not a new program.nn339n00:21:36.786 –> 00:21:38.066nThis is Alcoholics Anonymous.nn340n00:21:38.066 –> 00:21:42.086nLike, this is the twelve steps, you know?” And, and I thought two days to do a four…nn341n00:21:42.086 –> 00:21:44.846nI mean, I– the last one was like ninety pages long.nn342n00:21:44.846 –> 00:21:46.386nIt was– there’s no way, you know?nn343n00:21:46.386 –> 00:21:48.686nAnd six months it took, you know?nn344n00:21:48.686 –> 00:21:58.826nAnd um, and so he said, “You know, if you just follow the instructions out of the book, you’ll see it’s not gonna take that long.” And, and he showed me the instructions, and I followed the instructions, and it didn’t take that long.nn345n00:21:58.826 –> 00:22:00.036nI mean, it’s four lists.nn346n00:22:00.036 –> 00:22:01.106nWho am I resentful at?nn347n00:22:01.106 –> 00:22:03.126nYou know, what am I afraid of?nn348n00:22:03.126 –> 00:22:05.486nWho did I harm sexually, right?nn349n00:22:05.486 –> 00:22:06.826nAnd then it just harm’s done.nn350n00:22:06.826 –> 00:22:08.666nYou know, all harm’s done.nn351n00:22:08.666 –> 00:22:10.826nYou know, and, and it really didn’t take that long.nn352n00:22:10.826 –> 00:22:17.326nAnd, and, and going through step five was a new experience because like he said, the, the pimp slap and, you know.nn353n00:22:17.326 –> 00:22:22.836nI mean, it’s, it’s really like if you don’t have a good sponsor that’s gonna rub your nose in that fourth column crap- Mm-hmm …nn354n00:22:22.836 –> 00:22:24.716nyou know, you’re not gonna get a whole lot out of it.nn355n00:22:24.716 –> 00:22:34.746n’Cause see, I have to leave that fifth step experience seeing my part as completely objectionable, as a problem, as the cause of like the–nn356n00:22:34.746 –> 00:22:36.466nall my problems like, you know.nn357n00:22:36.466 –> 00:22:41.846nAnd, and to see that I am not a victim, that I play a role, I set the ball rolling, you know, all, all that stuff.nn358n00:22:41.846 –> 00:22:46.546nAnd, and he was just the person to do that, to show me that f– I mean, everyone was…nn359n00:22:46.546 –> 00:22:49.286nYou see how selfish and self-centered that was, and it was like, ouch.nn360n00:22:49.286 –> 00:22:52.286nYou know, like, ’cause I didn’t think I was selfish and self-centered.nn361n00:22:52.286 –> 00:22:53.206nI’m so generous.nn362n00:22:53.206 –> 00:22:54.096nLike, I’m loving.nn363n00:22:54.096 –> 00:22:54.846nI’m friendly.nn364n00:22:54.846 –> 00:22:56.346nHow could that be selfish, self-centered?nn365n00:22:56.346 –> 00:23:03.606nBut when you think of it at the core and the things that I was doing and, and looking at that fourth column stuff, it was like, yeah.nn366n00:23:03.606 –> 00:23:10.706nAnd so I walked away from that feeling pretty yucky, but pretty ready for God t, t– I, I wanted to have nothing more to do with that stuff.nn367n00:23:10.706 –> 00:23:20.736nUm, step six and seven, you know, again, if you read the book, I mean, I know that, you know, some people are gonna hear this and think, “What?” It took like thirty seconds,nn368n00:23:20.736 –> 00:23:21.446nyou know?nn369n00:23:21.446 –> 00:23:31.486nAnd, and again, I mean, I, I’m sure if I still had the ten and a half years and somebody was up here like me sharing that, I’d be thinking, “We’ll see you drunk tomorrow.” Or you know,nn370n00:23:31.486 –> 00:23:32.806nI just wouldn’t, you know, believe it.nn371n00:23:32.806 –> 00:23:40.066nBut I, again, this is my experience, you know, and based on the, the one small paragraph for six and seven in the book, I can’t imagine.nn372n00:23:40.066 –> 00:23:47.606nYou know, like I hear people, “I’m on six and seven for two months.” You know, I can’t imagine what’s in that one little paragraph that, that’s telling me to stay on there two months.nn373n00:23:47.606 –> 00:23:55.026nUm, you know, and, and the amends is when I started to get free because see, the amends is the first step where it’s no longer about me.nn374n00:23:55.026 –> 00:23:57.226nI’m going to try to make it better for you.nn375n00:23:57.226 –> 00:23:57.846nYou know?nn376n00:23:57.846 –> 00:24:01.966nIt’s, it’s where it’s the first step where I’m turning my thoughts to how can I make things right for you.nn377n00:24:01.966 –> 00:24:12.456nAnd um, and it was the scariest step this time around because when you’re in AA and you, you accumulate some time and you’re well loved and there’s like a reputationnn378n00:24:12.456 –> 00:24:15.326nthat you wanna uphold even though you don’t deserve it, you know?nn379n00:24:15.326 –> 00:24:18.446nAnd I didn’t deserve that reputation that I so badly wanted to keep.nn380n00:24:18.446 –> 00:24:23.346nI didn’t wanna come to some of these AA friends who I t-totally stole from, you know?nn381n00:24:23.346 –> 00:24:27.606nAnd like, that was so like, ugh, I’ve gotta go to these people, you know?nn382n00:24:27.606 –> 00:24:34.586nAnd I tried to find every little weasel, like, “Doesn’t it say o-only– not if it’s gonna hurt me, you know?” And he’s like, “No, it doesn’t say that,” you know?nn383n00:24:34.586 –> 00:24:40.756nLike, I mean, it was just like, I can’t believe I gotta look these people in the eye and tell them what a fraud I was ’cause I was.nn384n00:24:40.756 –> 00:24:41.426nI was a fraud.nn385n00:24:41.426 –> 00:24:48.826nUm, and but again, I mean, the book, when you start reading step nine in the book and the instructions are constantly reminding you.nn386n00:24:48.826 –> 00:24:52.086nYou know, remem– they remind you, “Remember it was willing you would go to any lengths.nn387n00:24:52.086 –> 00:24:55.786nWe must not shrink at anything.” You know, I mean, it’s constant reminders so that…nn388n00:24:55.786 –> 00:25:01.466nAnd, and really that’s all Tom would have to tell me is, “You realize you could drink.” And it was like, I knew.nn389n00:25:01.466 –> 00:25:06.366nD-to my core I knew that this, this sobriety I had was not because of me.nn390n00:25:06.366 –> 00:25:10.686nYou know, that, that God was keeping me– there was a power greater than myself keeping me sober right now.nn391n00:25:10.686 –> 00:25:18.486nBecause why on earth couldn’t I have done it for three years every day wanting to do it, and yet now it’s only been, you know, five days, seven days?nn392n00:25:18.486 –> 00:25:19.246nI don’t know.nn393n00:25:19.246 –> 00:25:23.086nYou know, by doing this work, I’m getting connected to a power greater than myself through this step work.nn394n00:25:23.086 –> 00:25:33.116nUm, and so, you know, these amends, I s- I set out to do these amends and, and I, I wasn’t gonna shrink, and I was gonna risk my reputation, you know, andnn395n00:25:33.116 –> 00:25:34.026nhad to go to…nn396n00:25:34.026 –> 00:25:35.926nAnd they weren’t all warm and fuzzy, you know?nn397n00:25:35.926 –> 00:25:40.906nI mean, a lot of them were, and you know, AA members were all very loving and understanding, thank God.nn398n00:25:40.906 –> 00:25:50.206nUm, but you know, employers that I had to go to and say, “I’ve been robbing you for the last three years,” you know, things like that where, I mean, it just– it wasn’t fuzzy, you know?nn399n00:25:50.206 –> 00:25:54.296nI’d gotten an email from the HR person saying, “I feel very violated.” Like, you know, it was just…nn400n00:25:54.296 –> 00:25:56.656nAnd I’d leave there thinking, “What did I do that for?nn401n00:25:56.656 –> 00:25:59.206nI can’t believe I made that amends and told them all this,” you know?nn402n00:25:59.206 –> 00:26:01.706nAnd, and it was a couple days later where it was like, wow.nn403n00:26:01.706 –> 00:26:03.350nThis is water under the dam.nn404n00:26:03.350 –> 00:26:08.430nI am like, I am be- beginning to, to gain access to the sunlight of the spirit.nn405n00:26:08.430 –> 00:26:09.970nI’m starting to feel good, you know?nn406n00:26:09.970 –> 00:26:11.469nAnd, and so I just kept on going.nn407n00:26:11.469 –> 00:26:21.510nAnd, um, you know, a couple things that, that just really stood out to me, you know, because I used to have sponsors that used to say, you know, “You gotta call me every day,” and,nn408n00:26:21.510 –> 00:26:26.070nyou know, and I used to do that, or, or, “Call before you drink,” you know?nn409n00:26:26.070 –> 00:26:27.730nAnd I used to do those things.nn410n00:26:27.730 –> 00:26:31.870nAnd, and, you know, it, it’s not, it wasn’t the defense that I needed.nn411n00:26:31.870 –> 00:26:34.769nI needed a real defense from a power greater than myself.nn412n00:26:34.769 –> 00:26:37.150nAnd, and I used to make those calls before.nn413n00:26:37.150 –> 00:26:38.850nYou know, I, I could tell when I was gonna drink.nn414n00:26:38.850 –> 00:26:43.730nI could tell when I was unraveling, and the, the plan was in my head of, “Okay, I’m gonna, I’m gonna do this, this,” you know?nn415n00:26:43.730 –> 00:26:45.930nAnd I’d pick up the phone, and I’d t- I’d be honest.nn416n00:26:45.930 –> 00:26:49.470nI was always super honest about, you know, and I’d always do what they told me to do.nn417n00:26:49.470 –> 00:27:00.290nIt’s just, um, you know, sadly, I, I think, you know, based on what I experienced out there, um, is that we tend to pushnn418n00:27:00.290 –> 00:27:03.170nfellowship stuff in- instead of the 12 steps.nn419n00:27:03.170 –> 00:27:04.590nYou know, the 12 steps is AA.nn420n00:27:04.590 –> 00:27:05.930nIt’s, it’s what’s worked.nn421n00:27:05.930 –> 00:27:12.510nYou know, when we say step 12, you know, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, we’re gonna try to carry this message.nn422n00:27:12.510 –> 00:27:13.750nWhat’s this message?nn423n00:27:13.750 –> 00:27:15.570nThe message of the 12 steps.nn424n00:27:15.570 –> 00:27:16.930nI had a spiritual awakening.nn425n00:27:16.930 –> 00:27:18.570nI worked the steps, had a spiritual awakening.nn426n00:27:18.570 –> 00:27:20.130nThe obsession is removed.nn427n00:27:20.130 –> 00:27:21.410nThat’s the message, you know?nn428n00:27:21.410 –> 00:27:23.890nAnd, um, and I think some of that’s gotten lost.nn429n00:27:23.890 –> 00:27:25.910nBut, but I would talk to this sponsor.nn430n00:27:25.910 –> 00:27:27.430nI’d say, “I feel like I’m gonna drink,” you know?nn431n00:27:27.430 –> 00:27:35.430nAnd for like 45 minutes, and this woman, God bless her, she had five kids, and yet for 45 minutes she’s talking to me, trying to talk me out of drinking, you know?nn432n00:27:35.430 –> 00:27:39.490nAnd it’s like, and I knew before I’d hang up that I’m gonna go drink.nn433n00:27:39.490 –> 00:27:41.010nI got nothing out of this, you know?nn434n00:27:41.010 –> 00:27:45.510nAnd I didn’t wanna make her feel bad for wasting all that time, so I’d of course lie and say, “You really helped me.nn435n00:27:45.510 –> 00:27:47.270nI’m not gonna drink tonight,” you know?nn436n00:27:47.270 –> 00:27:49.930nAnd I’d hang up the phone, and I’d go drink, you know?nn437n00:27:49.930 –> 00:27:54.790nAnd, and again, it’s like, it’s looking for power from a powerless person, you know?nn438n00:27:54.790 –> 00:27:58.790nAnd, and looking for power, um, somewhere where, where it’s not.nn439n00:27:58.790 –> 00:28:03.930nUm, you know, I used to think that I had to duck and dodge alcohol, you know?nn440n00:28:03.930 –> 00:28:05.050nLike, you can’t …nn441n00:28:05.050 –> 00:28:07.250nThere’s a part in the book that says, you know, you, you gotta hide.nn442n00:28:07.250 –> 00:28:08.210nYou can’t have it in your home.nn443n00:28:08.210 –> 00:28:09.370nYou can’t have it, you know?nn444n00:28:09.370 –> 00:28:10.600nBut, but that’s …nn445n00:28:10.600 –> 00:28:20.870nIt basically says, “Any scheme to combat alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure.” And, and that, you know, again, not a defense.nn446n00:28:20.870 –> 00:28:23.710nSomething I was trying to rely on was hide me from it.nn447n00:28:23.710 –> 00:28:24.550nI can’t see it.nn448n00:28:24.550 –> 00:28:25.310nI can’t be around it.nn449n00:28:25.310 –> 00:28:28.710nI can’t, you know, and that’s the defense, and it wasn’t, you know?nn450n00:28:28.710 –> 00:28:38.710nI mean, it’s like whereas now, this, this defense I’ve gotten from having a relationship with God, um, I can drive by liquor stores and urgent cares all day long, and I got, there’s likenn451n00:28:38.710 –> 00:28:39.290nno power.nn452n00:28:39.290 –> 00:28:41.230nI don’t have to walk in there, you know?nn453n00:28:41.230 –> 00:28:45.230nI mean, before it was like you pass a liquor store or an urgent care, and I have to turn in.nn454n00:28:45.230 –> 00:28:46.510nI just can’t not, you know?nn455n00:28:46.510 –> 00:28:49.810nAnd, um, and so this is, like, a real defense.nn456n00:28:49.810 –> 00:29:00.490nLike, um, on page 84 it talks about how, you know, these promises where it’s talking about how, you know, we start to react sanely and normally, and how it just seems to happen automatically,nn457n00:29:00.490 –> 00:29:01.130nyou know?nn458n00:29:01.130 –> 00:29:01.950nThat I’m not fighting.nn459n00:29:01.950 –> 00:29:03.430nI’m not avoiding temptation.nn460n00:29:03.430 –> 00:29:06.970nI’m just in this, like, neutral place, safe and protected.nn461n00:29:06.970 –> 00:29:14.150nUm, and, and it promises me that that is how I’m gonna stay as long as I remain spiritually fit, you know?nn462n00:29:14.150 –> 00:29:19.230nAnd, and then again, reminding us that it’s easy to rest on our laurels, and, and, you know, and I’ve experienced that.nn463n00:29:19.230 –> 00:29:23.050nI’ve, I’ve only got, you know, my sobriety date’s September 26th, 2010.nn464n00:29:23.050 –> 00:29:25.830nI mean, I, I love my sobriety date.nn465n00:29:25.830 –> 00:29:27.790nI’m so grateful for these two years, you know?nn466n00:29:27.790 –> 00:29:30.230nI’d trade in that 10 and a half years any day.nn467n00:29:30.230 –> 00:29:32.230nLike, that’s the kind of freedom I have this time.nn468n00:29:32.230 –> 00:29:36.369nYou know, that 10 and a half years, it was a lot of, “Don’t go to this party ’cause there’s gonna be that there.nn469n00:29:36.369 –> 00:29:38.850nDon’t go…” There was a lot of ducking and dodging and white-knuckling.nn470n00:29:38.850 –> 00:29:47.750nAnd I want, calling a sponsor, “I feel like drinking.” I don’t think I’ve ever called Tom in these two years, “I feel like drinking.” Like, that, the problem has been removed, you know?nn471n00:29:47.750 –> 00:29:50.350nAnd, and it’s because of the 12 steps.nn472n00:29:50.350 –> 00:29:59.590nBut, but in these two years it’s so, it is so easy to rest on your laurels and, and kind of sway a little, and I’ve stepped in a big pile of shit already in the two years, you know?nn473n00:29:59.590 –> 00:30:03.430nWhere I’ve had to call Tom, and okay, you know, here’s, you know.nn474n00:30:03.430 –> 00:30:08.520nAnd the thing is, is he warned me, and, you know, I just went ahead and did it anyway so- …nn475n00:30:08.520 –> 00:30:14.480num, so we do get, you know, it, it, I do get to live free, you know?nn476n00:30:14.480 –> 00:30:18.890nAnd it is so contingent on my relationship with, with this power greater than myself.nn477n00:30:18.890 –> 00:30:22.150nAnd you know what’s funny is I still haven’t defined God.nn478n00:30:22.150 –> 00:30:23.290nI don’t know what God is.nn479n00:30:23.290 –> 00:30:24.290nI don’t, you know?nn480n00:30:24.290 –> 00:30:27.489nAnd yet I just, I know it is there.nn481n00:30:27.489 –> 00:30:29.390nAnd, and, and the pow- I mean, I’m sober.nn482n00:30:29.390 –> 00:30:29.870nI’m free.nn483n00:30:29.870 –> 00:30:31.260nI’m happy, you know?nn484n00:30:31.260 –> 00:30:35.350nUm, and so I just thank God that I didn’t sit on step two all this time you know?nn485n00:30:35.350 –> 00:30:37.290n’Cause I still don’t have a definition for it.nn486n00:30:37.290 –> 00:30:41.050nIt’s like I’d be dead by now if I’m sitting there trying not to drink for two years.nn487n00:30:41.050 –> 00:30:51.070nUm, but, you know, the main distinction I think, you know, based on my experience out there is that, you know, this is a program of 12nn488n00:30:51.070 –> 00:30:51.550nsteps.nn489n00:30:51.550 –> 00:30:54.850nThis is about getting connected to a power greater than yourself.nn490n00:30:54.850 –> 00:30:57.310nYou know, if you don’t wanna call it God, that’s okay.nn491n00:30:57.310 –> 00:31:00.310nYou know, your own conception, whatever it may be.nn492n00:31:00.310 –> 00:31:02.470nUm, but this is about that.nn493n00:31:02.470 –> 00:31:12.479nAnd, you know, having that internal discomfort treated is, like, I feel like I can do anything with that thing removed ’cause, you know, um, and, and I know that if I continue tonn494n00:31:12.479 –> 00:31:22.310ndo, like, 10, 11, and 12, you know, um, step 12, it was funny because Tom, I mean, when I got on step 12, I think I had two and a half weeks or three weeks, you know?nn495n00:31:22.310 –> 00:31:26.150nAnd again, I know that sounds like a really short time to be working the steps, but- Yeah …nn496n00:31:26.150 –> 00:31:27.140nI’ve had a spiritual awakening.nn497n00:31:27.140 –> 00:31:28.130nI’ve stayed sober.nn498n00:31:28.130 –> 00:31:36.290nUm, and, but, but step 12, you know, here I am at three weeks sober, the chronic relapser that everybody knows is this chronic relapser.nn499n00:31:36.290 –> 00:31:44.310nI mean, I can’t tell you how many dirty chips I’ve taken because of the pride and ego where I just couldn’t get real with you and tell you that one more stupid time I drank, you know?nn500n00:31:44.310 –> 00:31:51.570nLike, um, but, you know, here I was, like, three weeks sober, going to the new person, you know, looking to help, you know?nn501n00:31:51.570 –> 00:31:54.780nAnd a lot of them would say, “How much time do you have?” And I’m like, “Three weeks,” you know?nn502n00:31:54.780 –> 00:31:56.390nAnd they don’t want my help, you know?nn503n00:31:56.390 –> 00:31:59.030nSo it’s like, and that was, you know, I remember calling Tom.nn504n00:31:59.030 –> 00:32:00.690nI’m like, “Nobody wants to sponsor them.nn505n00:32:00.690 –> 00:32:02.070nLike, it’s just not working.nn506n00:32:02.070 –> 00:32:08.890nI think I need to wait till, like, accumulate some time.” Like, it was hard going from 10, you know, I used to, “10 years,” you know, and now it’s like, “Three weeks.nn507n00:32:08.890 –> 00:32:10.390nYou want me to help you?” You know?nn508n00:32:10.390 –> 00:32:20.610nAnd, um, and I said, “It’s not working.” And he’s like, “Janine, read the step.” You know, and I read the step, step 12, and it said, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, we triednn509n00:32:20.610 –> 00:32:24.790nto carry this message.” He said, “Are you trying?” I said, “Yeah.” He’s like, “You get the paycheck.nn510n00:32:24.790 –> 00:32:25.190nThat’s it.nn511n00:32:25.190 –> 00:32:26.440nYou get the check,” you know?nn512n00:32:26.440 –> 00:32:28.370nAnd it was like, “Oh, yeah,” you know?nn513n00:32:28.370 –> 00:32:30.110nAnd so I just kept trying, you know?nn514n00:32:30.110 –> 00:32:34.310nAnd for every now and then I’d get somebody who didn’t ask how much time I had, you know?nn515n00:32:34.310 –> 00:32:36.900nAnd then when they found out it was like, “Whoa.” Mm-hmm.nn516n00:32:36.900 –> 00:32:43.480nBut, um, but yeah, this is one of those steps where, um- I’m a single mom.nn517n00:32:43.480 –> 00:32:47.410nLike, I ended up getting full custody of my kids through a series of miracles.nn518n00:32:47.410 –> 00:32:55.160nAt nine– When I got here this time, you know, started working with Tom, I had so many problems that I couldn’t even fathom how these were gonna get solved.nn519n00:32:55.160 –> 00:33:02.080nI mean, there were just– there was no way this stuff was gonna get resolved, and within nine months, I swear to you, every single one of them was fixed.nn520n00:33:02.080 –> 00:33:05.920nYou know, like, God’s ability to recreate a life is amazing.nn521n00:33:05.920 –> 00:33:09.619nAnd, um, and so I’m a single mom, f- work full time.nn522n00:33:09.619 –> 00:33:10.620nI’ve got the two kids.nn523n00:33:10.620 –> 00:33:17.080nUm, and so it was easy for me to start to think that, like, this working with others thing, it’s like, “How am I gonna make this work?” You know?nn524n00:33:17.080 –> 00:33:26.989nAnd– But again, I was reminded that, you know, “What step is that?” And I’m like, “Step twelve.” He’s like, “And what are the steps?” “AA.” Like, it was– I was reminded that this is the steps.nn525n00:33:26.989 –> 00:33:29.920nIf I’m not doing step twelve, then I can’t say I’m doing AA.nn526n00:33:29.920 –> 00:33:30.540nYou know?nn527n00:33:30.540 –> 00:33:34.700nAnd I can’t expect to stay sober if I am a real alcoholic, really, truly powerless.nn528n00:33:34.700 –> 00:33:44.820nAnd so what I’ve come to learn is, you know, just through these two years and experience and– is that the reason I used to think that, you know, “Oh, I can’t do this,” is ’cause I was trying tonn529n00:33:44.820 –> 00:33:46.420nsolve every newcomer’s problem.nn530n00:33:46.420 –> 00:33:48.840nYou know, it’s like how we play this junior therapist.nn531n00:33:48.840 –> 00:33:53.740nLike, they– the sponsor calls with the problem, and you think you have to have the answer and you’ve gotta fix it and you’ve gotta…nn532n00:33:53.740 –> 00:34:00.020nI used to do that all the time, like, “I’ve gotta have the answer for these people,” instead of realizing that, like, what the ABCs say, right?nn533n00:34:00.020 –> 00:34:07.180nI mean, the ABCs tell me that I’m not the all-knowing being that’s gonna recreate this person’s life or have to fix it.nn534n00:34:07.180 –> 00:34:14.380nI mean, half the time I’ll call Tom and say, you know, “What do I do?” And he’ll say, “Dude, I don’t know, but, but I know who does.” You know?nn535n00:34:14.380 –> 00:34:18.920nAnd it’s like– And that’s, that’s the direction I get, is that I gotta sit quietly in meditation.nn536n00:34:18.920 –> 00:34:20.720nI gotta ask God for the answer.nn537n00:34:20.720 –> 00:34:24.740nYou know, so I don’t have a guy that’s sitting there trying to run my life, making every decision, telling me everything.nn538n00:34:24.740 –> 00:34:28.120nI have a relationship with a power greater than myself.nn539n00:34:28.120 –> 00:34:32.620nAnd, and, and this way, when Tom isn’t around, I’m not drowning.nn540n00:34:32.620 –> 00:34:33.460nYou know what I mean?nn541n00:34:33.460 –> 00:34:37.160nBecause he, he taught me, he showed me how to have a relationship with God.nn542n00:34:37.160 –> 00:34:42.240nI used to be so dependent on sponsors, you know, where, like, you know, when something bad would happen, it was like, “Pick up the phone.nn543n00:34:42.240 –> 00:34:43.880nOh my gosh, you’re not picking up the phone,” you know?nn544n00:34:43.880 –> 00:34:46.200nAnd it’s like, ’cause I was so dependent on these people.nn545n00:34:46.200 –> 00:34:50.680nAnd, and now it’s like, you know, God– I got this power with me wherever.nn546n00:34:50.680 –> 00:34:52.000nI can, I can drop to my knees.nn547n00:34:52.000 –> 00:34:54.450nI can get quiet, you know, and I can get the answer.nn548n00:34:54.450 –> 00:34:59.080nUm, and that, that’s a gift, but, you know, it’s just not, um…nn549n00:34:59.080 –> 00:35:02.020nI, I, I don’t know.nn550n00:35:02.020 –> 00:35:03.260nI’m not really sure what else to say.nn551n00:35:03.260 –> 00:35:13.340nI know that, um, you know, I get hung up sometimes because you– There’s a lot of times that after I speak, people will come up to me and be like, “I don’t like that power of choice,” or, you know, they take exceptionnn552n00:35:13.340 –> 00:35:14.220nwith a lot of the stuff.nn553n00:35:14.220 –> 00:35:24.219nAnd so I know in our format, you know, we say, you know, “Ignore anything that can’t be reconciled within the book,” and, um, I hope I haven’t, you know, said anything that can’t be reconciled within this book.nn554n00:35:24.219 –> 00:35:27.180nUm, if you think I have, come to me.nn555n00:35:27.180 –> 00:35:27.900nI welcome you.nn556n00:35:27.900 –> 00:35:30.580nMaybe we can look, and I can maybe show you where it is.nn557n00:35:30.580 –> 00:35:40.600nUm, but I, you know, I’ve kind of skimmed this whole book over and over and over, and, and I’m pretty sure that, that, um, I understand the way the steps arenn558n00:35:40.600 –> 00:35:41.380nmeant to be worked.nn559n00:35:41.380 –> 00:35:47.620nUm, I know that I’ve had a spiritual awakening as a result of it, and, um, I’m just super grateful.nn560n00:35:47.620 –> 00:35:52.180nGrateful is not even really– This is not even– There’s not, not enough power in that word to describe.nn561n00:35:52.180 –> 00:35:53.360nYou know, I’ve got my life back.nn562n00:35:53.360 –> 00:35:54.400nI’ve got my kids back.nn563n00:35:54.400 –> 00:35:55.960nI mean, um…nn564n00:35:55.960 –> 00:35:58.720nAnd Tom, thank you for coming out, flying out and surprising me.nn565n00:35:58.720 –> 00:36:00.080nI just– It’s just so awesome.nn566n00:36:00.080 –> 00:36:02.140nSo, I think that’s it.nn567n00:36:02.140 –> 00:36:03.480nOkay.nn568n00:36:03.480 –> 00:36:13.820nAllnn569n00:36:13.820 –> 00:36:16.500nright, how about another round of applause for Denise?nn570n00:36:16.500 –> 00:36:26.540nQuickly, those, uh, of you that have worked the steps and have the timenn571n00:36:26.540 –> 00:36:33.800nand willingness to sponsor, please raise your hands high, uh, so those looking for a sponsor know who to chase down after the meeting.nn572n00:36:33.800 –> 00:36:35.500nAll right, look around, everybody.nn573n00:36:35.500 –> 00:36:45.500nAll right, and I have asked Melissa to read the ten step promises starting at the bottom of page eighty-four and top paragraphnn574n00:36:45.500 –> 00:36:46.379non page eighty-five.nn575n00:36:46.379 –> 00:36:47.350nLet me…nn576n00:36:47.350 –> 00:36:47.680nYeah.nn577n00:36:47.680 –> 00:36:59.700nThanknn578n00:36:59.700 –> 00:36:59.960nyou.nn579n00:36:59.960 –> 00:37:01.379nNo problem.nn580n00:37:01.379 –> 00:37:01.610nOh, thank you.nn581n00:37:01.610 –> 00:37:02.420nMelissa, alcoholic.nn582n00:37:02.420 –> 00:37:02.879nMelissa.nn583n00:37:02.879 –> 00:37:06.400nMelissa.nn584n00:37:06.400 –> 00:37:09.090nWhere am I starting again?nn585n00:37:09.090 –> 00:37:12.000nBottom of page eighty-four.nn586n00:37:12.000 –> 00:37:12.440nOkay.nn587n00:37:12.440 –> 00:37:15.220nWe have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol.nn588n00:37:15.220 –> 00:37:21.160nFor this– By this time, sanity will have returned.nn589n00:37:21.160 –> 00:37:23.260nWe will seldom be interested in liquor.nn590n00:37:23.260 –> 00:37:26.620nIf tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame.nn591n00:37:26.620 –> 00:37:31.180nWe react sanely and normally, and we find that this has happened automatically.nn592n00:37:31.180 –> 00:37:38.200nWe will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part.nn593n00:37:38.200 –> 00:37:39.120nIt just comes.nn594n00:37:39.120 –> 00:37:40.640nThat is the miracle of it.nn595n00:37:40.640 –> 00:37:43.440nWe are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation.nn596n00:37:43.440 –> 00:37:48.800nWe feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected.nn597n00:37:48.800 –> 00:37:50.840nWe’ve not even sworn off.nn598n00:37:50.840 –> 00:37:52.560nInstead, the problem has been removed.nn599n00:37:52.560 –> 00:37:54.100nIt does not exist for us.nn600n00:37:54.100 –> 00:37:56.960nWe are neither cocky nor are we afraid.nn601n00:37:56.960 –> 00:37:58.460nThis is our experience.nn602n00:37:58.460 –> 00:38:04.420nThis is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.nn603n00:38:04.420 –> 00:38:12.240nIt’s easy to let up upon this spiritual action and rest on our laurels.nn604n00:38:12.240 –> 00:38:15.260nWe are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe.nn605n00:38:15.260 –> 00:38:17.180nWe are not cured of alcoholism.nn606n00:38:17.180 –> 00:38:22.200nWhat we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.nn607n00:38:22.200 –> 00:38:27.480nEvery day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.nn608n00:38:27.480 –> 00:38:29.480nHow can I best serve thee?nn609n00:38:29.480 –> 00:38:31.140nThy will, not mine, be done.nn610n00:38:31.140 –> 00:38:34.940nThese are thoughts which, which must go with us constantly.nn611n00:38:34.940 –> 00:38:39.760nWe can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish.nn612n00:38:39.760 –> 00:38:42.340nIt is the proper use of the will.nn613n00:38:42.340 –> 00:38:46.540nMuch as I don’t know where I am.nn614n00:38:46.540 –> 00:38:47.260nThat’s it, right?nn615n00:38:47.260 –> 00:38:50.580nI usually read off a paper, not this.nn616n00:38:50.580 –> 00:38:52.040nI apologize.nn617n00:38:52.040 –> 00:38:57.060nGood job, Melissa.nn618n00:38:57.060 –> 00:39:01.660nAll right, um, now let’s, uh, grab someone’s hand and say the Lord’s Prayer.nn619n00:39:01.660 –> 00:39:23.560nOurnn620n00:39:23.560 –> 00:39:24.000nFather…nn621n00:39:24.000 –> 00:39:28.160nOur Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.nn622n00:39:28.160 –> 00:39:33.920nThy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.nn623n00:39:33.920 –> 00:39:43.960nGive us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead usnn624n00:39:43.960 –> 00:39:51.920nnot into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.nn625n00:39:51.920 –> 00:39:52.920nAmen.nn626n00:39:52.920 –> 00:39:54.200nStay.nn”;

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