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const vttText = “WEBVTTnn1n00:00:19.079 –> 00:00:19.679nMy name is James.nn2n00:00:19.679 –> 00:00:20.440nI’m an alcoholic.nn3n00:00:20.440 –> 00:00:23.010nHi, James.nn4n00:00:23.010 –> 00:00:24.019nDelighted to be here tonight.nn5n00:00:24.019 –> 00:00:26.460nAnd I would like to thank Nancy and the committee for inviting me.nn6n00:00:26.460 –> 00:00:30.820nHope that I can, uh, say something that could help somebody.nn7n00:00:30.820 –> 00:00:34.820nBut I’m here tonight ’cause I’m an alcoholic, not ’cause you’re an alcoholic.nn8n00:00:34.820 –> 00:00:38.259nThe ass I’m trying to save is mine.nn9n00:00:38.259 –> 00:00:40.619nWhoops.nn10n00:00:40.619 –> 00:00:44.539nYou can hear me at home.nn11n00:00:44.539 –> 00:00:52.520nI was a little concerned about my choice of words up here, but I’ll do my best.nn12n00:00:52.520 –> 00:00:57.679nMy sobriety date is December the 6th, 1982.nn13n00:00:57.679 –> 00:01:00.679nUh, that’s the last time I smoked marijuana.nn14n00:01:00.679 –> 00:01:10.739nAnd is there anybody else, out of curiosity, who has a sobriety date for alcoholism that involves something othernn15n00:01:10.739 –> 00:01:11.359nthan alcohol?nn16n00:01:11.359 –> 00:01:14.879nOkay, I’m in good company.nn17n00:01:14.879 –> 00:01:21.099nI sponsor a guy, I call him Nutmeg Steve.nn18n00:01:21.099 –> 00:01:25.659nHis sobriety is the last time he used nutmeg.nn19n00:01:25.659 –> 00:01:31.420nThe, the things we try to do.nn20n00:01:31.420 –> 00:01:36.959nSo I had a problem with, uh…nn21n00:01:36.959 –> 00:01:41.019nI, I came to the conclusion that I had a problem with drinking, so I decided to quit drinking.nn22n00:01:41.019 –> 00:01:45.219nI didn’t like the problems that were associated with it, so I quit.nn23n00:01:45.219 –> 00:01:50.799nAnd I, I’d quit lots of times, but, uh, this one particular time I was maybe more serious than some of the other times.nn24n00:01:50.799 –> 00:01:58.519nAnd, uh, I thought, “Well, I’ll just, just quit.” ‘Cause my problem, I’d identified it to be drinking.nn25n00:01:58.519 –> 00:02:02.500nBut I didn’t really know how to quit ’cause I hadn’t found you yet.nn26n00:02:02.500 –> 00:02:05.200nSo I just quit the only way that I know how to quit.nn27n00:02:05.200 –> 00:02:06.260nI stayed stoned.nn28n00:02:06.260 –> 00:02:11.639nAnd I’m a gardener.nn29n00:02:11.639 –> 00:02:13.680nI’m an organic gardener.nn30n00:02:13.680 –> 00:02:22.439nAnd I had some pot growing in the bushes and just smoked pot.nn31n00:02:22.439 –> 00:02:24.800nBut I smoked it alcoholically.nn32n00:02:24.800 –> 00:02:29.840nAnd I thought I was okay ’cause I wasn’t drinking.nn33n00:02:29.840 –> 00:02:34.580n’Cause I, I identified my problem as drinking or my problem as alcohol.nn34n00:02:34.580 –> 00:02:40.520nAnd really looking back on it, my problem was not really drinking ’cause if that’s my problem, I just quit drinking.nn35n00:02:40.520 –> 00:02:42.159nMy problem was really not drinking.nn36n00:02:42.159 –> 00:02:44.500nI don’t do well not drinking.nn37n00:02:44.500 –> 00:02:47.080nI’ve got a not drinking problem.nn38n00:02:47.080 –> 00:02:49.400nLife is just too…nn39n00:02:49.400 –> 00:02:54.199nThe edges are too sharp, and I need something to round all the rough edges.nn40n00:02:54.199 –> 00:02:58.080nAnd when I’m not drinking, I don’t feel very good.nn41n00:02:58.080 –> 00:03:02.180nSo I find something to help me deal with reality.nn42n00:03:02.180 –> 00:03:04.580nAnd I’d…nn43n00:03:04.580 –> 00:03:06.580nAnything that I could find, I would use.nn44n00:03:06.580 –> 00:03:15.860nAnd so I did this not drinking, smoking pot for three years, uh, and not really getting out of bed without smoking pot.nn45n00:03:15.860 –> 00:03:19.139nAnd I came to AA three years after my last drink.nn46n00:03:19.139 –> 00:03:23.539nNow, how could a person possibly be alcoholic if they hadn’t had a drink for three years?nn47n00:03:23.539 –> 00:03:26.639nSo I came to you not as an alcoholic.nn48n00:03:26.639 –> 00:03:34.539nUh, my sister, during the time that I was smoking pot, came to AA, and she kept telling me that I would like it here.nn49n00:03:34.539 –> 00:03:34.659nShe…nn50n00:03:34.659 –> 00:03:41.159nWhat she said about it is she said, “You will like the people, and they will like you.” That’s all she told me about it.nn51n00:03:41.159 –> 00:03:43.860nAnd she was really right about that.nn52n00:03:43.860 –> 00:03:47.379nShe didn’t tell me anything else about it, so I, I…nn53n00:03:47.379 –> 00:03:49.060nBut I saw her life getting better.nn54n00:03:49.060 –> 00:03:54.340nAnd I was using a lot of Visine every time I saw her and- And I wasn’t going to…nn55n00:03:54.340 –> 00:03:55.530nI wasn’t getting locked up anymore.nn56n00:03:55.530 –> 00:03:57.960nI wasn’t going to jail, but my life really wasn’t getting any better.nn57n00:03:57.960 –> 00:04:02.080nAnd so I came to AA three years after that last drink.nn58n00:04:02.080 –> 00:04:05.000nAnd, um, but I wasn’t alcoholic.nn59n00:04:05.000 –> 00:04:06.400nHow could I be alcoholic?nn60n00:04:06.400 –> 00:04:07.199nI didn’t even drink.nn61n00:04:07.199 –> 00:04:14.659nBut I– looking back on my drinking, I would describe myself as a heavy drinker with problems.nn62n00:04:14.659 –> 00:04:19.899nBut I wasn’t alcoholic ’cause my dad was alcoholic, and I didn’t want to be like he was.nn63n00:04:19.899 –> 00:04:21.540nOh, he was, he was bad.nn64n00:04:21.540 –> 00:04:24.939nI shot past, way past wherever he went.nn65n00:04:24.939 –> 00:04:28.000nBut I, I saw him as an alcoholic, and I didn’t want to be like him.nn66n00:04:28.000 –> 00:04:30.540nSo I couldn’t possibly be alcoholic.nn67n00:04:30.540 –> 00:04:33.220nBut I came to the meetings.nn68n00:04:33.220 –> 00:04:37.360nI was wondering, you know, why do people come to the meetings who aren’t alcoholic?nn69n00:04:37.360 –> 00:04:39.300nI didn’t really ask myself that question.nn70n00:04:39.300 –> 00:04:41.060nBut I st- started going to the meetings.nn71n00:04:41.060 –> 00:04:43.759nI’d introduce myself as an existentialist.nn72n00:04:43.759 –> 00:04:50.019nOr I’d introduce myself as an organic gardener or just some other s- crazy name.nn73n00:04:50.019 –> 00:04:55.180nAnd I’m so, I’m so thankful that nobody told me that I had to be alcoholic to be in the room.nn74n00:04:55.180 –> 00:05:05.500nThere was a sign someplace that said, “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.” I didn’t want to drink, and I certainly didn’t want to feel the way that I was feeling.nn75n00:05:05.500 –> 00:05:12.899nBut I also didn’t want to be alcoholic ’cause that somehow had a really nasty, a nasty taste to it.nn76n00:05:12.899 –> 00:05:14.540nI just, oh, man, alcoholic?nn77n00:05:14.540 –> 00:05:22.240nIf I had a chance to do a multiple test question, I think I would have picked leprosy or something over alcoholism if I had to pick my own disease.nn78n00:05:22.240 –> 00:05:24.540nThat was at the very bottom of the barrel.nn79n00:05:24.540 –> 00:05:29.259nBut I guess I was, I was somehow gifted with the ability to listen.nn80n00:05:29.259 –> 00:05:30.759nI, I could hear what you were saying.nn81n00:05:30.759 –> 00:05:33.839nI didn’t believe what you were saying, but I, I could hear you.nn82n00:05:33.839 –> 00:05:43.839nAnd I heard you describe your drinking, and I des- I heard you describe the way you felt, and I felt the way that younn83n00:05:43.839 –> 00:05:44.160nfelt.nn84n00:05:44.160 –> 00:05:47.120nAnd in a lot of ways, I drank the way that you drank.nn85n00:05:47.120 –> 00:05:54.480nAnd just by coming around these doggone meetings for a while, I end up catching alcoholism from you.nn86n00:05:54.480 –> 00:05:58.199nThis is a contagious disease.nn87n00:05:58.199 –> 00:06:05.050nIf you’re here tonight and you’re not alcoholic, don’t sit next to me- …nn88n00:06:05.050 –> 00:06:06.319n’cause I’ll give you a case of it.nn89n00:06:06.319 –> 00:06:15.168nBut our, our literature says that we had to learn to admit to our innermost selves that we’re alcoholic.nn90n00:06:15.168 –> 00:06:17.327nThat’s the first step in recovery.nn91n00:06:17.327 –> 00:06:21.088nSo I’m hanging around these meetings for three, four months.nn92n00:06:21.088 –> 00:06:22.108nI don’t remember how long.nn93n00:06:22.108 –> 00:06:32.127nAnd then one day I finally raised my hand and I say, “I’m alcoholic.” And everybody said, “Oh, you know, great, you figured it out.” And it, it took menn94n00:06:32.127 –> 00:06:36.427na while to admit to my innermost self that I was alcoholic, but I, I have done that, and I did do that.nn95n00:06:36.427 –> 00:06:46.588nAnd there’s a, a man that I respect a lot named Father Terry who, who, um, does retreats and speaks, and he says, “You can’t change something you can’t name.” Sonn96n00:06:46.588 –> 00:06:48.567nI had to be able to name what was wrong with me.nn97n00:06:48.567 –> 00:06:49.807nI knew something was wrong with me.nn98n00:06:49.807 –> 00:06:53.228nI was– I knew I was damaged goods somehow.nn99n00:06:53.228 –> 00:06:54.387nI didn’t know what it was.nn100n00:06:54.387 –> 00:06:58.048nI couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew I was broken somehow.nn101n00:06:58.048 –> 00:07:02.348nAnd I didn’t want it to be alcoholism, but that’s what it is.nn102n00:07:02.348 –> 00:07:04.148nThat’s the word for what was wrong with me.nn103n00:07:04.148 –> 00:07:09.608nAnd once that I could– once I could say that and identify that, I could do something about it.nn104n00:07:09.608 –> 00:07:19.627nAnd I was able to start to begin this program of recovery that you’ve outlined for me once I was able to say, “Yes, as, as strange as it may seem,nn105n00:07:19.627 –> 00:07:27.827nme of all people, I’m an alcoholic too, just like you.” So I’m around here six months at this point.nn106n00:07:27.827 –> 00:07:29.007nI don’t have any sponsor.nn107n00:07:29.007 –> 00:07:30.288nI don’t believe in God.nn108n00:07:30.288 –> 00:07:34.968nUm, I don’t have– I didn’t think the book was very well-written.nn109n00:07:34.968 –> 00:07:39.247nUh, in fact, I thought about rewriting it at one point.nn110n00:07:39.247 –> 00:07:44.548nAnd I’m not doing well, as you can well imagine.nn111n00:07:44.548 –> 00:07:46.668nNo, no– I had no program.nn112n00:07:46.668 –> 00:07:56.706nAnd without any drugs or alcohol to keep all that stuff down, I was, uh, there’s a country western song, knitting with one needle and unravelingnn113n00:07:56.708 –> 00:07:57.648nfast.nn114n00:07:57.648 –> 00:07:58.767nThat’s kind of what I was doing.nn115n00:07:58.767 –> 00:07:59.767nI was coming apart.nn116n00:07:59.767 –> 00:08:03.067nAnd I, I didn’t know what to do.nn117n00:08:03.067 –> 00:08:05.288nI, I– Well, I– maybe I did know what to do.nn118n00:08:05.288 –> 00:08:07.648nMaybe I was too afraid to do what I knew I had to do.nn119n00:08:07.648 –> 00:08:10.247nBut I went to see a guy in Sacramento named Howard.nn120n00:08:10.247 –> 00:08:13.887nHe’s a, a marriage and family counselor.nn121n00:08:13.887 –> 00:08:21.288nAnd I’d been to psychiatrists before, and I’d been to some shrinks before, and I felt comfortable with these people.nn122n00:08:21.288 –> 00:08:23.427nYou just pay them money and lie to them and leave.nn123n00:08:23.427 –> 00:08:25.528nAnd, uh, and nothing ever changes.nn124n00:08:25.528 –> 00:08:32.528nAnd so I went to see Howard, and I told him the truth.nn125n00:08:32.528 –> 00:08:35.607nI told him the truth about me for one hour.nn126n00:08:35.607 –> 00:08:37.947nI sat in his office, and I cried.nn127n00:08:37.947 –> 00:08:38.888nI snot cried.nn128n00:08:38.888 –> 00:08:43.187nYou know what that’s like when there’s like, you know, it’s just snot coming down my face.nn129n00:08:43.187 –> 00:08:45.528nAnd I just cried, and I told him all these things.nn130n00:08:45.528 –> 00:08:48.128nI had– I was– my drinking was very secretive.nn131n00:08:48.128 –> 00:08:54.347nI was, uh– I had an image of what I thought I wanted you to believe that I was like, and, uh, it was kind of a daytime image.nn132n00:08:54.347 –> 00:09:01.998nAnd then I had another image of the kind of drinking that I liked to do, and it was– a lot of it was real sleazy drinking, and it was real, uh, lower companion stuff.nn133n00:09:01.998 –> 00:09:05.087nAnd it was– I had this, uh, double life that I lived.nn134n00:09:05.087 –> 00:09:06.048nThe book talks about that.nn135n00:09:06.048 –> 00:09:07.168nI lived a double life.nn136n00:09:07.168 –> 00:09:11.707nAnd I didn’t w– I couldn’t dare to let you get close to me.nn137n00:09:11.707 –> 00:09:14.827nAnd that, that leads for loneliness.nn138n00:09:14.827 –> 00:09:17.768nAnd I told Howard the truth about me.nn139n00:09:17.768 –> 00:09:23.888nAnd at the end of the hour, I was, uh, you know, I was just a wreck.nn140n00:09:23.888 –> 00:09:27.087nBut he got out a piece of paper, and he wrote on the top prescription.nn141n00:09:27.087 –> 00:09:36.128nAnd he wrote, “Get on your knees and pray.” And he handed me this piece of paper, and I handed him fifty dollars, which was– it was a fifty-dollar fifth step.nn142n00:09:36.128 –> 00:09:39.687nNow, if I’d had a sponsor, I could have got that for free.nn143n00:09:39.687 –> 00:09:42.798nBut I didn’t have a sponsor, so I paid Howard fifty dollars.nn144n00:09:42.798 –> 00:09:45.368nHe’s a hundred and ten dollars now, I think, or a hundred and twenty maybe.nn145n00:09:45.368 –> 00:09:49.548nBut I paid Howard that money, and I left.nn146n00:09:49.548 –> 00:09:53.048nAnd I, I don’t know why.nn147n00:09:53.048 –> 00:09:55.128nI can’t explain it, but I started to do that.nn148n00:09:55.128 –> 00:10:00.587nI started to ask God what to do and give me the power to do it.nn149n00:10:00.587 –> 00:10:02.807nAnd I didn’t even believe in God.nn150n00:10:02.807 –> 00:10:08.807nAnd about this same time, my life was getting a little bit better financially, and I bought a new car.nn151n00:10:08.807 –> 00:10:11.768nI’d had a, um, part of that time, I had an alcoholic truck.nn152n00:10:11.768 –> 00:10:14.087nAnybody have one of those?nn153n00:10:14.087 –> 00:10:21.988nCracked windshield, bald tires, lots of, um, of, uh, drunk bumps on it.nn154n00:10:21.988 –> 00:10:24.107nBeer cans in the back.nn155n00:10:24.107 –> 00:10:25.347nSomebody else’s tags on it.nn156n00:10:25.347 –> 00:10:27.467nUh, no insurance.nn157n00:10:27.467 –> 00:10:31.908nI found roaches in it for about six months after I got sober.nn158n00:10:31.908 –> 00:10:37.227nSo I had this alcoholic truck, and I, and I got a new sports car.nn159n00:10:37.227 –> 00:10:38.967nIt was the nicest car that I’d ever had.nn160n00:10:38.967 –> 00:10:44.168nAnd I started to go to a lot of meetings ’cause I was, uh, showing off my car.nn161n00:10:44.168 –> 00:10:48.207nAnd, uh, I was trolling for a date.nn162n00:10:48.207 –> 00:10:51.768nI hadn’t had a date in about five years.nn163n00:10:51.768 –> 00:10:56.378nAnd, uh, uh, I was lonely.nn164n00:10:56.378 –> 00:10:57.748nI was incredibly lonely.nn165n00:10:57.748 –> 00:11:01.567nI didn’t know how lonely I was until I started not being lonely.nn166n00:11:01.567 –> 00:11:03.107nI had nothing to compare it with.nn167n00:11:03.107 –> 00:11:13.508nI had, um, my best thinking at that point in my life, just prior to getting sober, is I had some propertynn168n00:11:13.508 –> 00:11:15.988nout in, uh, the country where I was growing pot.nn169n00:11:15.988 –> 00:11:24.768nAnd I was, I was living in this, uh, kind of a white trash trailer with no, no wheels on it.nn170n00:11:24.768 –> 00:11:31.648nUm, and I was shitting in a bucket, calling it composting ’cause I was, you know, close to the land.nn171n00:11:31.648 –> 00:11:41.648nAnd my idea, what I wanted to do was build a barbed wire fence around my property andnn172n00:11:41.648 –> 00:11:43.248nhave some razor wire on the top.nn173n00:11:43.248 –> 00:11:47.168nAnd part of it was to keep the teenagers away from my pot.nn174n00:11:47.168 –> 00:11:49.447nBut I also, I wanted to keep everybody away.nn175n00:11:49.447 –> 00:11:53.368nI wanted you away from where I was.nn176n00:11:53.368 –> 00:12:01.727nAnd I wanted to have a bunch of wine and a bunch of pot and a bunch of vitamin C and a bunch of brewer’s yeast, and I wanted to be a really healthy, drunken dope fiend.nn177n00:12:01.727 –> 00:12:11.748nAnd, a-and, and so much further into my story, but I end up getting a job, and it’s where Inn178n00:12:11.748 –> 00:12:12.087nwork now.nn179n00:12:12.087 –> 00:12:13.937nI work for the California Department of Corrections.nn180n00:12:13.937 –> 00:12:17.248nI’m a teacher in one of the prisons, and I may talk about that later.nn181n00:12:17.248 –> 00:12:25.727nBut I realized, looking back on it, that in California and in the United States, the worst punishment we have for anybody is to put them by themselves.nn182n00:12:25.727 –> 00:12:28.775nAnd I did that in my disease.nn183n00:12:28.775 –> 00:12:36.575nI put myself with myself, and that’s a ugly place to be.nn184n00:12:36.575 –> 00:12:43.796nSo when I came to you, I had this– I was– The book talks a lot about loneliness and, and I didn’t have to ask any questions about that.nn185n00:12:43.796 –> 00:12:47.785nI didn’t have to ask what pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization meant.nn186n00:12:47.785 –> 00:12:48.576nI knew what it meant.nn187n00:12:48.576 –> 00:12:49.135nI’d felt it.nn188n00:12:49.135 –> 00:12:51.956nSo anyway, I get this new car, and I’m wanting to get a date.nn189n00:12:51.956 –> 00:12:55.535n’Cause I would not have gone out with anybody that would have gotten in my truck.nn190n00:12:55.535 –> 00:12:59.696nIf you were a woman and you woulda got in my truck with me, I wouldn’t wanna go out with you.nn191n00:12:59.696 –> 00:13:02.115nIt was that kind of a truck.nn192n00:13:02.115 –> 00:13:12.125nSo I’m, uh, starting to pray, not believing in it,nn193n00:13:12.125 –> 00:13:17.255nand I have this new car, and I’m starting to go to a lot of meetings.nn194n00:13:17.255 –> 00:13:22.135nAnd I, through a ser- a ser- a set of real weird circumstances, I got a sponsor.nn195n00:13:22.135 –> 00:13:26.855nHoward ta- gave me the number of a person who gave me the number of another person, and it was a woman.nn196n00:13:26.855 –> 00:13:30.495nAnd this woman, I called her, and she, she said she’d be my sponsor.nn197n00:13:30.495 –> 00:13:35.716nI didn’t quite understand that about men with men and women with women, but I, I, I got this lady to be my sponsor.nn198n00:13:35.716 –> 00:13:39.796nAnd I agreed with her that I would work the steps, that I’d journal in a notebook.nn199n00:13:39.796 –> 00:13:43.395nI would see her once a week, and I’d go to four meetings a week.nn200n00:13:43.395 –> 00:13:52.836nAnd it dawned on me during this time that I was doing something that I didn’t believe in, and I was feeling better.nn201n00:13:52.836 –> 00:13:58.895nAnd it was one of my early spiritual awakenings is what I think about this is not important.nn202n00:13:58.895 –> 00:14:02.096nMy opinion of the steps is not important.nn203n00:14:02.096 –> 00:14:04.775nWhat’s important is that I do the steps.nn204n00:14:04.775 –> 00:14:14.995nAnd I s– and I got a really early inkling of that when I, when this happened to me, when I had this, this feeling of doing something that didn’t make any sense to me ’cause, uh, I was prayingnn205n00:14:14.995 –> 00:14:16.735na- and not believing in it.nn206n00:14:16.735 –> 00:14:21.216nAnd I look at it a l- um, a lot now like, like electricity.nn207n00:14:21.216 –> 00:14:28.956nI don’t have to believe in electricity, but if I plug the cord into the wall, electricity is available for me to use.nn208n00:14:28.956 –> 00:14:34.975nAnd my higher power is a lot the same way, where it doesn’t matter what my opinion of is it.nn209n00:14:34.975 –> 00:14:36.975nI have to make a connection with that power.nn210n00:14:36.975 –> 00:14:39.836nAnd when I make the connection, I get the results.nn211n00:14:39.836 –> 00:14:43.076nJust as like when I plug the plug in, in the socket.nn212n00:14:43.076 –> 00:14:52.655nBut I also can look back and say, “Well, I had a really good teacher.” Booze was a good teacher for me because booze doesn’t really work when it’s in the bottle.nn213n00:14:52.655 –> 00:14:54.275nI have to drink it first.nn214n00:14:54.275 –> 00:14:57.956nAnd people can say anything they want to about alcohol.nn215n00:14:57.956 –> 00:15:00.916nIt doesn’t do its magic until I drink it.nn216n00:15:00.916 –> 00:15:10.515nAnd maybe the higher power that I’ve found is the same thing, where I have to make a connection to the higher power before the higher power can work in my life.nn217n00:15:10.515 –> 00:15:20.735nSo I hook up with this lady named Donna, and I’ve already, uh, done a fifty-dollar fifth step, andnn218n00:15:20.735 –> 00:15:21.655nI’m an alcoholic.nn219n00:15:21.655 –> 00:15:23.155nAnd that’s all I am.nn220n00:15:23.155 –> 00:15:24.154nThat’s all I’ve done so far.nn221n00:15:24.154 –> 00:15:28.596nSo I have to go back and start over again with– They have little numbers in the front of them.nn222n00:15:28.596 –> 00:15:30.235nI didn’t see those for quite a while.nn223n00:15:30.235 –> 00:15:32.895nUh, there’s little numbers in front of the steps.nn224n00:15:32.895 –> 00:15:35.956nAnd so I go back and start with number one.nn225n00:15:35.956 –> 00:15:40.375nAnd I hadn’t had a drink in a long time by this time.nn226n00:15:40.375 –> 00:15:50.716nBut I looked back over my life and I, and I realized that when I took a drink,nn227n00:15:50.716 –> 00:15:52.076nI couldn’t predict what would happen.nn228n00:15:52.076 –> 00:15:54.855nAnd I had a lot of examples of that.nn229n00:15:54.855 –> 00:16:02.615nOne in particular that stood out to me is one time I had, I had quit drinking for thirty days to prove that I didn’t have a problem with drinking.nn230n00:16:02.615 –> 00:16:06.696nBecause people who have a problem with drinking can’t quit drinking for thirty days, right?nn231n00:16:06.696 –> 00:16:09.535nIf you can quit for thirty days, you don’t have a problem.nn232n00:16:09.535 –> 00:16:12.755nSo I didn’t want to have a problem with drinking, so I quit for thirty days.nn233n00:16:12.755 –> 00:16:15.696nI was tending bar at the time.nn234n00:16:15.696 –> 00:16:18.035nI quit for thirty days.nn235n00:16:18.035 –> 00:16:27.076nI met a customer from the bar at lunch, and I decided to have a glass of wine to celebrate not drinking for thirty days, which makes complete sense to me.nn236n00:16:27.076 –> 00:16:33.056nI took that glass of wine at lunchtime, and I was in jail at midnight.nn237n00:16:33.056 –> 00:16:35.855nOne glass of wine.nn238n00:16:35.855 –> 00:16:45.855nAnd I look back at that and, and I heard this Chinese saying too, you know, “The drink– Uh, the man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, and then the drink takes thenn239n00:16:45.855 –> 00:16:47.596nman.” That’s what happened to me.nn240n00:16:47.596 –> 00:16:51.956nI took that drink, and that went so well, I decided to have another drink.nn241n00:16:51.956 –> 00:16:53.735nWe all know how that goes.nn242n00:16:53.735 –> 00:16:55.916nI don’t have to tell you a lot about drinking.nn243n00:16:55.916 –> 00:17:01.495nIf there’s anybody has any questions about drinking, uh, there’s two ways to, to answer your questions.nn244n00:17:01.495 –> 00:17:07.816nYou can step back out and do some more drinking, or you can stay here and listen to us describe our drinking.nn245n00:17:07.816 –> 00:17:15.875nAnd you can end up having all your questions answered about your drinking by me sharing about my drinking.nn246n00:17:15.875 –> 00:17:18.276n’Cause if you’re an alcoholic, it’s all the same.nn247n00:17:18.276 –> 00:17:20.935nI’ve never had a drink as an alcoholic.nn248n00:17:20.935 –> 00:17:24.355nAnd I’m so alcoholic now, it’s pathetic.nn249n00:17:24.355 –> 00:17:27.076nI get more alcoholic all the time.nn250n00:17:27.076 –> 00:17:32.276nSo I realize that when I take a drink, I can’t predict the outcome.nn251n00:17:32.276 –> 00:17:37.515nAnd then the other, the other half of it is, um, when I’m not drinking, I’m thinking about drinking.nn252n00:17:37.515 –> 00:17:41.256nAnd I’m thinking that it’s gonna be different this time somehow.nn253n00:17:41.256 –> 00:17:43.375nI’m gonna do it differently this time.nn254n00:17:43.375 –> 00:17:46.355nAnd so that, that makes me alcoholic.nn255n00:17:46.355 –> 00:17:47.415nJust those two little things.nn256n00:17:47.415 –> 00:17:49.766nIt’s not how much I drank.nn257n00:17:49.766 –> 00:17:50.665nIt’s not how long I drank.nn258n00:17:50.665 –> 00:17:51.415nIt’s not what I drank.nn259n00:17:51.415 –> 00:17:52.476nIt’s not who my mama is.nn260n00:17:52.476 –> 00:17:52.965nIt’s none of that.nn261n00:17:52.965 –> 00:17:55.516nIt’s just when I take a drink, I can’t predict what’s gonna happen.nn262n00:17:55.516 –> 00:17:58.685nAnd then there’s the other part about it, the other-nn263n00:17:58.856 –> 00:18:00.976nHalf of that step is that my life is unmanageable.nn264n00:18:00.976 –> 00:18:05.916nWell, I thought, yeah, when I was drinking, I did some pretty unmanageable things.nn265n00:18:05.916 –> 00:18:11.976nI did things I didn’t want to do, and I didn’t do things I did want to do, and that’s kind of what unmanageability is.nn266n00:18:11.976 –> 00:18:15.756nAnd I thought it was because I was drinking.nn267n00:18:15.756 –> 00:18:18.336nBut that’s not what it says.nn268n00:18:18.336 –> 00:18:28.436nIf you turn the page there on that page in the book there where the steps are and it says, it says, “Our adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas.”nn269n00:18:28.436 –> 00:18:30.316nBefore and after.nn270n00:18:30.316 –> 00:18:35.256nThat’s when I was drinking, before, and after, after I quit drinking.nn271n00:18:35.256 –> 00:18:39.176nMy life is unmanageable, drunk or sober.nn272n00:18:39.176 –> 00:18:49.456nIt took me a long time to understand that, but I really understand that well today because all of my problems today, all of my problems today are almostnn273n00:18:49.456 –> 00:18:51.936nalways when I think I’m the manager.nn274n00:18:51.936 –> 00:19:02.116nWhen you’re not doing it right, when somebody else isn’t, when something’s going on and I have a problem with it, it’s ’cause I’m, I’m, I want to managenn275n00:19:02.116 –> 00:19:02.296nit.nn276n00:19:02.296 –> 00:19:10.176nAnd what I’ve come to realize is that through the process of doing the steps, uh, I found a new manager.nn277n00:19:10.176 –> 00:19:13.736nI call him God now, and God’s the manager.nn278n00:19:13.736 –> 00:19:20.156nSo I never ask, or I try never ask the, to ask the question why, ’cause why is a management question.nn279n00:19:20.156 –> 00:19:22.436nWhy is this the w- that way, God?nn280n00:19:22.436 –> 00:19:23.276nWhy did this happen?nn281n00:19:23.276 –> 00:19:24.336nWhy this, why that?nn282n00:19:24.336 –> 00:19:25.976nManagement questions.nn283n00:19:25.976 –> 00:19:29.816nI’m in footwork, so I don’t ask why.nn284n00:19:29.816 –> 00:19:31.196nI just do footwork.nn285n00:19:31.196 –> 00:19:32.536nWorks really good.nn286n00:19:32.536 –> 00:19:41.196nSo this idea of, of unmanageability took me a long time to get a grasp on it, but I think I have a pretty good grasp on it now.nn287n00:19:41.196 –> 00:19:50.916nUh, step two, um, same thing in a way is like, yeah, I did some crazy stuff, but it’s ’cause I was drinking.nn288n00:19:50.916 –> 00:20:00.996nI did, yeah, I did, you know, this, uh, this one time, you know, I, I swore it was a girl when I went to sleepnn289n00:20:00.996 –> 00:20:01.656nwith her that night.nn290n00:20:01.656 –> 00:20:03.976nYou know?nn291n00:20:03.976 –> 00:20:04.816nI really did.nn292n00:20:04.816 –> 00:20:05.856nLooked like a girl to me.nn293n00:20:05.856 –> 00:20:10.876nHey, pretty insane.nn294n00:20:10.876 –> 00:20:14.256nBut I was drinking, okay?nn295n00:20:14.256 –> 00:20:16.616nI was drunk too, so nothing happened.nn296n00:20:16.616 –> 00:20:17.096nIt’s okay.nn297n00:20:17.096 –> 00:20:18.636nI passed out.nn298n00:20:18.636 –> 00:20:25.636nSo this is fifth step stuff.nn299n00:20:25.636 –> 00:20:28.476nI’m getting ahead of myself.nn300n00:20:28.476 –> 00:20:37.656nWhat I came to realize is the craziest thing I ever did, I did sober.nn301n00:20:37.656 –> 00:20:39.796nI took a, I took another drink.nn302n00:20:39.796 –> 00:20:46.896nWhat I knew about alcohol, and I picked up a drink, that’s crazy.nn303n00:20:46.896 –> 00:20:50.556nSo I had to be restored to sanity.nn304n00:20:50.556 –> 00:21:00.436nFor me to drink, for me to take a drink today, I’d have to go insane because it’s crazy for a person like me to take a drink.nn305n00:21:00.436 –> 00:21:03.796nSo I’ve been restored to sanity today.nn306n00:21:03.796 –> 00:21:13.916nStep three, I, you know, I, I got to step three and I still didn’t have this real, uh, cozy, fuzzynn307n00:21:13.916 –> 00:21:15.596nwuzzy relationship with this power.nn308n00:21:15.596 –> 00:21:20.536nUh, I’m praying, but I’m not really believing much of anything still.nn309n00:21:20.536 –> 00:21:26.016nAnd I started to look at all the, um…nn310n00:21:26.016 –> 00:21:30.056nThere’s all these contradictions in, in, uh, AA.nn311n00:21:30.056 –> 00:21:40.636nIt’s like, um, you, you read one page and it says, uh, uh, “God,nn312n00:21:40.636 –> 00:21:48.836nfind him now.” You turn the page, it says, “God could and would if he was sought.” Well, do you have to find him or do you have to look for him?nn313n00:21:48.836 –> 00:21:49.816nYou know, which, which is it?nn314n00:21:49.816 –> 00:21:54.956nOr, uh, you have to, uh, surrender to win.nn315n00:21:54.956 –> 00:21:56.776nWhat the heck is that supposed to mean?nn316n00:21:56.776 –> 00:22:00.296nOr you have to give it away to keep it.nn317n00:22:00.296 –> 00:22:10.336nOr, uh, don’t make any major decisions in the first year, but decide tonn318n00:22:10.336 –> 00:22:13.096nturn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him.nn319n00:22:13.096 –> 00:22:18.316nThat sounds like a major decision to me.nn320n00:22:18.316 –> 00:22:24.876nDon’t get in any relationships in the first year.nn321n00:22:24.876 –> 00:22:29.576nBut get a sponsor and tell him everything.nn322n00:22:29.576 –> 00:22:33.476nThere’s all these contradictions.nn323n00:22:33.476 –> 00:22:42.096nI mean, it’s like, I, you know, I studied philosophy in college and I love to argue, and l- I love to debate.nn324n00:22:42.096 –> 00:22:49.556nAnd there’s a line in the, in the, uh, uh, 12 and 12, in the step 10.nn325n00:22:49.556 –> 00:22:52.576nUh, no, I don’t know, I don’t know if that’s where it is.nn326n00:22:52.576 –> 00:22:53.416nThat’s something else I was…nn327n00:22:53.416 –> 00:22:54.156nI got sidetracked.nn328n00:22:54.156 –> 00:23:00.956nThere’s a line someplace in the book, I think it’s in the 12 and 12, where it says we have to resign from the debating society.nn329n00:23:00.956 –> 00:23:02.396nI’m not too sure which step it’s in.nn330n00:23:02.396 –> 00:23:05.236nBut I realized that I had to do that.nn331n00:23:05.236 –> 00:23:07.516nI had to resign from the debating society.nn332n00:23:07.516 –> 00:23:15.576nSomebody told me, “Do you want to find a way to get out of this thing or do you want to find a way to get into this thing?nn333n00:23:15.576 –> 00:23:22.656nIt’s, it’s your choice.” I could find a lot of ways to get out of this thing, and I was just naming you some of those.nn334n00:23:22.656 –> 00:23:24.376nI’m saying there’s too many contradictions here.nn335n00:23:24.376 –> 00:23:25.996nThis stuff doesn’t make any sense at all.nn336n00:23:25.996 –> 00:23:27.816nThat’s a way to get out of here.nn337n00:23:27.816 –> 00:23:37.996nBut I wanted to find a way in, and I looked back over my drinking and back over my life and I realized my life was full of contradictions, too, especially with my relationshipnn338n00:23:37.996 –> 00:23:38.676nwith alcohol.nn339n00:23:38.676 –> 00:23:44.976nI mean, I, I had this, um, view of alcohol that it set me free.nn340n00:23:44.976 –> 00:23:51.896nI love this book I read in college called, um, How to, um, How to Find Freedom in an Unfree World.nn341n00:23:51.896 –> 00:23:52.696nI love that book.nn342n00:23:52.696 –> 00:24:02.776nIt, it, it, it’s like I’m drink- You know, my idea of, of, of, uh, trying to help myself was to get a bottle of scotch, a carton of Mar- Marlboro, and a self-help book.nn343n00:24:02.776 –> 00:24:05.988nAnd it’s like, that stuff doesn’t work.nn344n00:24:05.988 –> 00:24:07.668nThat didn’t help me.nn345n00:24:07.668 –> 00:24:15.328nAnd so I’m drinking, and I’m reading these books, and I’m thinking all this stuff about freedom and how wonderful freedom is.nn346n00:24:15.328 –> 00:24:22.448nAnd alcohol, which I was seeing as something that was setting me free, was closing me in and closing me in and closing me in.nn347n00:24:22.448 –> 00:24:28.968nAnd my world got smaller and smaller and smaller until I ended up with this concept of this barbed wire around my property.nn348n00:24:28.968 –> 00:24:32.228nAnd I realized that my life was full of contradictions too.nn349n00:24:32.228 –> 00:24:35.048nAnd I had to set all that stuff aside.nn350n00:24:35.048 –> 00:24:40.788nAnd I had to move forward with the suggestions that you were giving me because my life was on the line.nn351n00:24:40.788 –> 00:24:47.568nAnd I said to myself one time, I remember I was thinking about drinking early in sobriety or getting high or doing something.nn352n00:24:47.568 –> 00:24:49.788nI don’t know why they call it getting high.nn353n00:24:49.788 –> 00:24:51.208nI was on the ground all the time.nn354n00:24:51.208 –> 00:24:53.668nI don’t know why they call it getting high.nn355n00:24:53.668 –> 00:25:01.908nBut anyway, you know, I said to myself, how sick do you want to get before you start getting better?nn356n00:25:01.908 –> 00:25:04.808nI can always get sicker first.nn357n00:25:04.808 –> 00:25:06.748nI can go out and drink again.nn358n00:25:06.748 –> 00:25:10.348nBut I know that I’m screwed up, and I know I’m going to need help.nn359n00:25:10.348 –> 00:25:12.728nSo why don’t I get the help now?nn360n00:25:12.728 –> 00:25:15.028nI mean, how bad do I want it to get?nn361n00:25:15.028 –> 00:25:19.508nAnd so I became willing to take step three.nn362n00:25:19.508 –> 00:25:23.628nAnd the word that really helped me the most in that is the word decision.nn363n00:25:23.628 –> 00:25:29.168nI made a decision to do the AA program.nn364n00:25:29.168 –> 00:25:31.848nAnd that’s all I made a decision.nn365n00:25:31.848 –> 00:25:34.608nI didn’t make a decision to have any relationship with this power.nn366n00:25:34.608 –> 00:25:35.708nI didn’t understand the power.nn367n00:25:35.708 –> 00:25:37.208nI didn’t really, I didn’t know.nn368n00:25:37.208 –> 00:25:39.468nBut I made a decision to work the steps.nn369n00:25:39.468 –> 00:25:45.388nAnd looking back on that decision, I made a good decision because I worked the steps.nn370n00:25:45.388 –> 00:25:47.028nAnd I’m still here a long time later.nn371n00:25:47.028 –> 00:25:51.118nBecause on my own, I couldn’t do 24 hours.nn372n00:25:51.118 –> 00:25:52.808nAnd I just did 24 years.nn373n00:25:52.808 –> 00:25:54.848nSo there must be something here that works.nn374n00:25:54.848 –> 00:25:59.668nThere must be something pretty powerful going on around here that works, irrespective of what I may think about it.nn375n00:25:59.668 –> 00:26:02.508nSo I made this decision to work the rest of the program.nn376n00:26:02.508 –> 00:26:05.788nSo I started doing my fourth step.nn377n00:26:05.788 –> 00:26:11.328nAnd I had developed this relationship with my sponsor by seeing her every week.nn378n00:26:11.328 –> 00:26:15.768nAnd what I was doing was writing in a journal and taking my journal to her and sharing my journal.nn379n00:26:15.768 –> 00:26:20.188nI was amazed at the stuff that I was, I forget about writing.nn380n00:26:20.188 –> 00:26:21.568nI’d write stuff pretty honestly.nn381n00:26:21.568 –> 00:26:23.408nAnd I go to read it to her.nn382n00:26:23.408 –> 00:26:27.268nAnd I was amazed at the stuff that I was writing in there.nn383n00:26:27.268 –> 00:26:31.028nI thought I was just a guy that I drank a little too much.nn384n00:26:31.028 –> 00:26:33.128nBut other than that, I was a pretty nice guy.nn385n00:26:33.128 –> 00:26:37.028nAnd the stuff that was coming out of the journal, I didn’t know I was afraid.nn386n00:26:37.028 –> 00:26:38.388nI didn’t know I had all these resentments.nn387n00:26:38.388 –> 00:26:41.168nI didn’t know that I didn’t know how to do relationships.nn388n00:26:41.168 –> 00:26:43.888nI started finding out about myself.nn389n00:26:43.888 –> 00:26:46.248nI was really out of touch with myself.nn390n00:26:46.248 –> 00:26:51.988nAnd this journaling really helped me to start to see my part in things.nn391n00:26:51.988 –> 00:26:54.708nI had blamed you for everything always.nn392n00:26:54.708 –> 00:26:55.948nIt was always your fault.nn393n00:26:55.948 –> 00:26:58.668nWhy do you pick on me all the time?nn394n00:26:58.668 –> 00:27:00.788nWhy can’t I ever get a good break?nn395n00:27:00.788 –> 00:27:04.208nIt was never, I could never see my part in things.nn396n00:27:04.208 –> 00:27:06.788nAnd the journaling started to help me with that.nn397n00:27:06.788 –> 00:27:09.128nAnd I would look at my four-step stuff.nn398n00:27:09.128 –> 00:27:10.688nAnd I’d look at that blank piece of paper.nn399n00:27:10.688 –> 00:27:13.828nAnd I could not, I could barely remember being in high school.nn400n00:27:13.828 –> 00:27:17.328nI had a, it’s called purposeful forgetting, I think.nn401n00:27:17.328 –> 00:27:20.828nI don’t really remember a lot of stuff from big gaps in my past.nn402n00:27:20.828 –> 00:27:21.708nI don’t want to remember.nn403n00:27:21.708 –> 00:27:24.508nA lot of it was real unpleasant.nn404n00:27:24.508 –> 00:27:30.208nAnd I had a difficult time knowing what to write on the paper.nn405n00:27:30.208 –> 00:27:36.948nAnd what I kept coming back to is the inventory, the cans on the shelf, so to speak.nn406n00:27:36.948 –> 00:27:40.128nThere’s what’s in my life right now.nn407n00:27:40.128 –> 00:27:43.768nSo I have to get in touch with how I’m feeling about stuff today.nn408n00:27:43.768 –> 00:27:46.788nAnd I had a, I hated my dad when I got sober.nn409n00:27:46.788 –> 00:27:52.388nI spent a period of maybe six or seven years where I would not talk to him.nn410n00:27:52.388 –> 00:27:55.348nI don’t remember why, but I wouldn’t talk to him.nn411n00:27:55.348 –> 00:27:57.668nAnd if I saw him coming, I’d walk across the street.nn412n00:27:57.668 –> 00:28:00.308nAnd I just had a lot of anger and a lot of hate for him.nn413n00:28:00.308 –> 00:28:04.188nAnd I put his name at the top of a piece of paper.nn414n00:28:04.188 –> 00:28:06.808nAnd I think I wrote one sentence.nn415n00:28:06.808 –> 00:28:08.248nAnd I started to cry.nn416n00:28:08.248 –> 00:28:11.668nAnd I just, this floodgate opened.nn417n00:28:11.668 –> 00:28:19.648nAnd I had all this pain and all this anger and hate towards this man just kind of, it just kind of melted away from me.nn418n00:28:19.648 –> 00:28:21.328nAnd I called my sister and I talked to her.nn419n00:28:21.328 –> 00:28:22.548nAnd I called in sick to work.nn420n00:28:22.548 –> 00:28:24.307nI couldn’t work that day.nn421n00:28:24.307 –> 00:28:25.928nAnd something happened.nn422n00:28:25.928 –> 00:28:30.668nAnd the book talks about that is when, you know, we pray for these people.nn423n00:28:30.668 –> 00:28:33.768nThere’s some of the people in our lives are spiritually sick.nn424n00:28:33.768 –> 00:28:40.408nAnd something happened with my relationship with my dad that day where I just, all that stuff just melted away.nn425n00:28:40.408 –> 00:28:43.888nAnd it all was because of my willingness to look at my side of it.nn426n00:28:43.888 –> 00:28:46.868nAnd I can’t even explain what happened.nn427n00:28:46.868 –> 00:28:55.348nBut that was the type of things that when I got willing to do the work, the spirit somehow worked in me.nn428n00:28:55.348 –> 00:28:58.328nAnd it took me a long time to do my fourth step.nn429n00:28:58.328 –> 00:28:59.988nI drug my heels a lot.nn430n00:28:59.988 –> 00:29:02.188nAnd I met a lady in AA during this time.nn431n00:29:02.188 –> 00:29:05.768nI did get a date in my nice little sports car.nn432n00:29:05.768 –> 00:29:09.968nAnd, you know, boy meets girl in AA campus.nn433n00:29:09.968 –> 00:29:12.488nAnd we started dating.nn434n00:29:12.488 –> 00:29:15.928nAnd we were going to get married.nn435n00:29:15.928 –> 00:29:17.668nAnd she had two kids.nn436n00:29:17.668 –> 00:29:20.828nI’d never been a, I never, I was a bachelor when I got sober.nn437n00:29:20.828 –> 00:29:25.308nAnd she had a seven-year-old girl and a 13-year-old boy.nn438n00:29:25.308 –> 00:29:29.448nAnd I decided that I would, you know, kind of to move myself forward.nn439n00:29:29.448 –> 00:29:31.988nI promised myself I’d do my fifth step before I got married.nn440n00:29:31.988 –> 00:29:35.528nSo I, the day got kind of close and I got to get this done.nn441n00:29:35.528 –> 00:29:42.408nAnd it was kind of a rainy November day when I finally got around to getting together with my sponsor.nn442n00:29:42.408 –> 00:29:45.448nAnd we drove out to this trailer that I had where I’d grown pot.nn443n00:29:45.448 –> 00:29:51.048nAnd there was, my sponsor noticed that on the way out there, there was a bunch of trash cans that were knocked over.nn444n00:29:51.048 –> 00:29:56.368nAnd she was commenting that dogs or something were knocking over trash.nn445n00:29:56.368 –> 00:29:58.128nAnd she was just seeing a lot of garbage.nn446n00:29:58.128 –> 00:30:02.908nShe needed to change her perspective because she was focusing on the garbage along the side of the road.nn447n00:30:02.908 –> 00:30:05.048nAnd I did my fifth step.nn448n00:30:05.048 –> 00:30:07.118nAnd on the way back, we saw a rainbow.nn449n00:30:07.118 –> 00:30:11.688nAnd, uh, I– the book talks about this.nn450n00:30:11.688 –> 00:30:13.408nIt’s, I think it’s on page seventy-five.nn451n00:30:13.408 –> 00:30:15.188nUm, check it out.nn452n00:30:15.188 –> 00:30:17.508nYou know, I just make up these numbers, but you try seventy-five.nn453n00:30:17.508 –> 00:30:19.888nIt’ll get you into the book, if nothing else.nn454n00:30:19.888 –> 00:30:21.608nI think it’s seventy-five.nn455n00:30:21.608 –> 00:30:25.888nUh, it, it talks about, uh, the promises that you get when you do the fifth step.nn456n00:30:25.888 –> 00:30:34.848nAnd, uh, I felt the nearness to this creator that I didn’t believe in, and I had seen my life as a garbage can.nn457n00:30:34.848 –> 00:30:37.748nUm, and I dumped it.nn458n00:30:37.748 –> 00:30:40.208nI tipped it out, and I saw a rainbow.nn459n00:30:40.208 –> 00:30:44.328nAnd I got excited about sobriety that day ’cause I was moving forward.nn460n00:30:44.328 –> 00:30:45.268nI was doing something.nn461n00:30:45.268 –> 00:30:47.328nI was participating in my recovery.nn462n00:30:47.328 –> 00:30:52.808nAnd I went back and did six and seven like it says in the book, and it’s only a couple of little paragraphs.nn463n00:30:52.808 –> 00:30:54.948nI’m thinking, “This is easy.” Wham!nn464n00:30:54.948 –> 00:30:57.528nI did five, six, seven, and then I started making a list.nn465n00:30:57.528 –> 00:30:58.408nI knew what the list was.nn466n00:30:58.408 –> 00:31:00.108nThat was pretty quick to do that too.nn467n00:31:00.108 –> 00:31:03.788nSix and seven is kind of deceptive.nn468n00:31:03.788 –> 00:31:12.247nIt doesn’t say much about it, but I found out after I got married and had these two stepkids that, uh, I had a bunch of defects of character.nn469n00:31:12.247 –> 00:31:14.608nAnd I didn’t, uh…nn470n00:31:14.608 –> 00:31:19.428nYou know, when you’re by yourself, you can get– build a pretty strong case to say what a great guy you are.nn471n00:31:19.428 –> 00:31:20.908nYou know?nn472n00:31:20.908 –> 00:31:27.907nJust look in the mirror and say, “Man, I’m a pretty good guy.” And, uh, other people don’t always share that opinion.nn473n00:31:27.907 –> 00:31:37.918nAnd what I found out was I had, I, you know, I, I– When I did my fourth step, I didn’t, I wasn’tnn474n00:31:37.918 –> 00:31:39.568nreal clear on what my defects were.nn475n00:31:39.568 –> 00:31:49.728nBut I got a chance by being in relationships by, with people, by learning how to be a dad, learning how to be a husband, learning how to be, uh, an uncle because,nn476n00:31:49.728 –> 00:31:51.648nuh, my wife’s sister had kids.nn477n00:31:51.648 –> 00:31:55.648nUh, I got to learn more about myself.nn478n00:31:55.648 –> 00:32:03.868nAnd the person that took the brunt of my defects was my stepson.nn479n00:32:03.868 –> 00:32:13.868nAnd what I realized, uh, with a lot of the things that I was, uh, being critical of him, uh, was it was menn480n00:32:13.868 –> 00:32:15.208nand my relationship with my dad.nn481n00:32:15.208 –> 00:32:16.388nIt wasn’t about him at all.nn482n00:32:16.388 –> 00:32:20.228nIt was about me, and I had to, to do more inventory work.nn483n00:32:20.228 –> 00:32:25.848nAnd what I found out was that I am a fault finder.nn484n00:32:25.848 –> 00:32:36.308nI’m gonna find something that you’re doing that’s not right, and I’m gonna tell you what it is, and I’m gonna work at pushing you out of my life becausenn485n00:32:36.308 –> 00:32:37.108nthat’s what I do.nn486n00:32:37.108 –> 00:32:38.308nThat’s what I’ve always done.nn487n00:32:38.308 –> 00:32:43.988nI always end up by myself, and I do that by criticizing you.nn488n00:32:43.988 –> 00:32:50.888nAnd what somebody told me was, every time you criticize someone, you’re saying they should be more like you.nn489n00:32:50.888 –> 00:32:53.568nWell, I don’t wish that on any of you.nn490n00:32:53.568 –> 00:32:57.788nAnd I, and I learned how to stop doing that.nn491n00:32:57.788 –> 00:33:02.268nI found out there’s over sixty ways to do the dishes.nn492n00:33:02.268 –> 00:33:05.128nI thought there was only one way.nn493n00:33:05.128 –> 00:33:06.728nGuess what way?nn494n00:33:06.728 –> 00:33:07.568nMy way.nn495n00:33:07.568 –> 00:33:10.208nWhat do you mean you’re not doing that?nn496n00:33:10.208 –> 00:33:11.388nYou gotta do it this way.nn497n00:33:11.388 –> 00:33:21.428nAnd I started to take these two kids especially, and I started to treat them the way that I treatednn498n00:33:21.428 –> 00:33:22.168nnewcomers.nn499n00:33:22.168 –> 00:33:30.528nWhen you walk through the door and I see you, I have a love for you that’s, that you know about ’cause you’ve had that love for me when I came through the door.nn500n00:33:30.528 –> 00:33:32.808nI don’t expect anything from you.nn501n00:33:32.808 –> 00:33:36.368nUh, you don’t have to do it up to my expectations.nn502n00:33:36.368 –> 00:33:41.748nUh, you’re a child of God, and, and you’re on your path, whatever that is, and if I can help, great.nn503n00:33:41.748 –> 00:33:46.788nAnd I started treating my kids like newcomers, like I was sponsoring them.nn504n00:33:46.788 –> 00:33:49.328nStarted writing little notes.nn505n00:33:49.328 –> 00:33:55.868nI remember a lot of times my, my daughter had a little Dalmatian dog, which has to be the stupidest dog that ever God ever created.nn506n00:33:55.868 –> 00:33:59.388nSorry if you have a Dalmatian, but boy, phew.nn507n00:33:59.388 –> 00:34:05.948nI can– I remember a lot of times I’d be driving home, and the closer I got to home, the madder I’d get.nn508n00:34:05.948 –> 00:34:13.128nBy the time I got in the driveway, I was just hot ’cause I knew when I got out of the truck, I’d be having to step over some dog shit to get in the house.nn509n00:34:13.128 –> 00:34:23.168nSometimes I, I think one time I even turned back out of the driveway and went back to my sponsor’s house, and I had to quiet the disturbance insidenn510n00:34:23.168 –> 00:34:24.908nof me before I could go in the house.nn511n00:34:24.908 –> 00:34:31.628nAnd I started, I, I started just allowing her to be who she was and started sending her little notes and stuff like that.nn512n00:34:31.628 –> 00:34:33.688nStarted treating her really kind and lovingly.nn513n00:34:33.688 –> 00:34:36.168nIt’s amazing how she responded to that.nn514n00:34:36.168 –> 00:34:43.468nUh, step eight, uh, the list was not very hard for me to make.nn515n00:34:43.468 –> 00:34:46.347nI’d, I’d spent a lot of my time, uh…nn516n00:34:46.347 –> 00:34:49.738nI could move in about twenty minutes, and I did move in about twenty minutes sometimes.nn517n00:34:49.738 –> 00:34:54.888nA couple of boxes of crap, and I was down the road someplace else, and I moved around a lot.nn518n00:34:54.888 –> 00:35:02.528nSo I didn’t, I don’t have a lot of places where I had a l– a lot of close relationships with people ’cause I was moving so much, ’cause I was always on the run.nn519n00:35:02.528 –> 00:35:06.027nIn fact, I went back to make amends to a couple places, and they were torn down.nn520n00:35:06.027 –> 00:35:09.408nI mean, the place didn’t exist anymore, or I’d skipped on the rent or something.nn521n00:35:09.408 –> 00:35:13.248nBut the people that I hurt the most were the people that I was closest to.nn522n00:35:13.248 –> 00:35:14.688nMy mom particularly, I think.nn523n00:35:14.688 –> 00:35:19.188nYou know, my mom, she had dreams for me.nn524n00:35:19.188 –> 00:35:23.608nYou know, I thought I was only hurting myself when I was drinking, but I was a neat kid.nn525n00:35:23.608 –> 00:35:25.468nI, I was a contender when I was a kid.nn526n00:35:25.468 –> 00:35:27.488nI, I could have been something or somebody.nn527n00:35:27.488 –> 00:35:36.188nAnd, you know, I had, I had a lot of energy and a lot of enthusiasm for life and, and booze just took all that away, and it took my mom’s dreams away too.nn528n00:35:36.188 –> 00:35:45.128nAnd the last time that I, uh, moved home, I was thirty-seven.nn529n00:35:45.128 –> 00:35:54.148nI’m thirty-seven years old, and I come and knock on the door and say, “Hi, Mom, I’m home.” I heard somebody say, it was a B.B.nn530n00:35:54.148 –> 00:35:57.478nKing song, I think, “And nobody loves you but your mama, and she may be-“nn531n00:35:57.646 –> 00:35:58.465nYou too.nn532n00:35:58.465 –> 00:36:00.986nYou know?nn533n00:36:00.986 –> 00:36:07.506nThat’s, that’s pathetic, 37 years old and be moving home to mom.nn534n00:36:07.506 –> 00:36:15.685nAnd so, you know, when I get sober and, and I had a chance, um, I had a chance to set the record straight with my mom.nn535n00:36:15.685 –> 00:36:17.746nI got a chance to be a good son.nn536n00:36:17.746 –> 00:36:20.606nAnd, and you taught me how to do that.nn537n00:36:20.606 –> 00:36:22.746nI was able to…nn538n00:36:22.746 –> 00:36:30.046nUh, she had cancer the last three or four years of her life, and I was able to show up and be with her and see her and take her places and just, just be there.nn539n00:36:30.046 –> 00:36:33.306nAnd I learned that in Alcoholics Anonymous.nn540n00:36:33.306 –> 00:36:40.606nMy dad, whom, whom I told you how I felt about him, he, uh, was…nn541n00:36:40.606 –> 00:36:41.655nHe had married somebody.nn542n00:36:41.655 –> 00:36:44.646nHe was married to my mom for about 20 years and then married somebody else for about 20 years.nn543n00:36:44.646 –> 00:36:47.476nAnd he, at that point, he was in a bad spot and he wanted a place to live.nn544n00:36:47.476 –> 00:36:49.226nAnd I invited him to come to my home and live with me.nn545n00:36:49.226 –> 00:36:52.126nAnd he moved all his stuff, moved in.nn546n00:36:52.126 –> 00:36:57.726nAnd, uh, he had quit drinking at that point, uh, white-knuckle sobriety.nn547n00:36:57.726 –> 00:37:02.366nAnd he was there about 20 or 30 days, and he got mad at something and then left.nn548n00:37:02.366 –> 00:37:05.406nAnd he died a very lonely man by himself.nn549n00:37:05.406 –> 00:37:09.886nBut I was there for him, too, as a son.nn550n00:37:09.886 –> 00:37:14.026nI invited him into my home, and I, I was willing to let him stay there forever.nn551n00:37:14.026 –> 00:37:16.766nAnd you taught me how to do that, too.nn552n00:37:16.766 –> 00:37:22.066nI owed some money to some people.nn553n00:37:22.066 –> 00:37:24.366nNot a lot, but I did owe some money.nn554n00:37:24.366 –> 00:37:25.545nAnd I remember I was, uh…nn555n00:37:25.545 –> 00:37:35.666nIt’s a really small thing, but I, uh, I’d gotten too much money in change one day from a restaurant that I used to go to all the time after the noon meeting on Wednesday where I was the secretary, and it was a stepnn556n00:37:35.666 –> 00:37:36.316nstudy meeting.nn557n00:37:36.316 –> 00:37:38.626nAnd we used to go there for lunch.nn558n00:37:38.626 –> 00:37:44.906nAnd I got $10 too much in change one time and, hey, if you can’t count, it’s not my problem.nn559n00:37:44.906 –> 00:37:46.946nPut it in my pocket.nn560n00:37:46.946 –> 00:37:48.006nBut it bothered me.nn561n00:37:48.006 –> 00:37:49.446nWe must have been on step nine.nn562n00:37:49.446 –> 00:37:57.566nAnd I, the, I went to the place the next week, and the woman said that she was selling the business, and that was gonna be her last day there.nn563n00:37:57.566 –> 00:38:08.226nI’m thinking, “If I’m gonna give the money back, I’ve got to give it back to her today.” And I asked her if I could talk to her, and I said, “Can I talk to you for a second?” Andnn564n00:38:08.226 –> 00:38:11.966nwe stood over off, away from the register a little bit, and I said, “I wanted to give you…nn565n00:38:11.966 –> 00:38:14.016nI was here last week, and I got too much money.nn566n00:38:14.016 –> 00:38:23.486nI wanted to give this back to you, $10.” And she said, “Are you sure?” I said, “Lady, I would not be giving you this money back if I wa- if I wasn’t positive.” And I started to cry.nn567n00:38:23.486 –> 00:38:28.906nAnd I’m in this restaurant, a macho guy, and tears are just streaming down my face.nn568n00:38:28.906 –> 00:38:31.986nIt was the best $10 high I ever had.nn569n00:38:31.986 –> 00:38:35.386nI thought, “Wow, this stuff is powerful.nn570n00:38:35.386 –> 00:38:47.366nI think I’ll go pay the IRS back.” Stepnn571n00:38:47.366 –> 00:38:53.486n10 was the, the step that really, I think, helped me the most.nn572n00:38:53.486 –> 00:39:00.346nIt really taught me to step up and look at my part.nn573n00:39:00.346 –> 00:39:10.446nIt’s like, if I’m not the problem, if you’re the problem, and I’m not the problem, there’s nonn574n00:39:10.446 –> 00:39:10.946nsolution.nn575n00:39:10.946 –> 00:39:17.646nBut if I’m the problem, then I can get to the solution, ’cause I can’t do anything about you.nn576n00:39:17.646 –> 00:39:27.646nAnd I got to start to see that by taking the daily inventory, by wr- you know, by writing whatnn577n00:39:27.646 –> 00:39:28.666nhappened today.nn578n00:39:28.666 –> 00:39:30.406nWhat did I do today?nn579n00:39:30.406 –> 00:39:33.366nHow did I react to situations today?nn580n00:39:33.366 –> 00:39:36.986nAnd then going to my sponsor and talking about it.nn581n00:39:36.986 –> 00:39:38.686nAnd the line I think that…nn582n00:39:38.686 –> 00:39:44.626nThere’s two lines that, one line in the big book, one line in the 12 and 12 that, that I go back to time and time again that really help me.nn583n00:39:44.626 –> 00:39:54.786nOne is in the big book in one of the stories, and it says, “I need to concentrate not so much what’s wrong in the world as what’s wrong with me and my attitudes.” Andnn584n00:39:54.786 –> 00:39:58.906nthe other one is in the 12 and 12, and it says, “It’s a spiritual axiom.nn585n00:39:58.906 –> 00:40:05.706nWhenever I’m disturbed, no matter what the cause, there’s something wrong with me.” I hated that when I saw that.nn586n00:40:05.706 –> 00:40:07.206nBut, you know, there’s a lot of freedom in that.nn587n00:40:07.206 –> 00:40:10.126nBush is not the problem.nn588n00:40:10.126 –> 00:40:12.186nThe Republicans aren’t the problem.nn589n00:40:12.186 –> 00:40:13.666nMy boss is not the problem.nn590n00:40:13.666 –> 00:40:15.106nMy wife is not the problem.nn591n00:40:15.106 –> 00:40:16.726nTraffic is not the problem.nn592n00:40:16.726 –> 00:40:18.886nThe Iraqis are not the problem.nn593n00:40:18.886 –> 00:40:20.626nI’m the problem.nn594n00:40:20.626 –> 00:40:24.726nAnd I can get to the solution when I realize that.nn595n00:40:24.726 –> 00:40:33.306nAnd my goal is to, is to quiet that disturbance inside of me, to be peaceful.nn596n00:40:33.306 –> 00:40:34.426n’Cause I love that feeling.nn597n00:40:34.426 –> 00:40:38.206nThat’s kind of what, that’s kind of what a couple of drinks would do for me.nn598n00:40:38.206 –> 00:40:43.926nAnd I, I don’t have that available to me anymore, so I have to find some other way of doing it.nn599n00:40:43.926 –> 00:40:50.146nSo it’s like, uh, the 10th step has taught me, uh, to do that in a, in a way…nn600n00:40:50.146 –> 00:40:51.605nAnd it, and it works all the time.nn601n00:40:51.605 –> 00:40:57.326nAnd I can, I can tell when I need it is when I’m justifying something.nn602n00:40:57.326 –> 00:41:03.886nWhen I’m justifying something or I’m rationalizing something or I’m making some excuses for my behavior, I know that I’m off track.nn603n00:41:03.886 –> 00:41:13.046nAnd I know I can get back on track by seeing my part in it and doing what I need to do to, to get back to a good spot.nn604n00:41:13.046 –> 00:41:15.166nIt’s a really good tool to use.nn605n00:41:15.166 –> 00:41:18.326nUh, step 11.nn606n00:41:18.326 –> 00:41:21.566nIn the process of working the steps, I, uh, I found this power.nn607n00:41:21.566 –> 00:41:31.566nI don’t have a real, real good, uh, description of the power, but it’s certainly a power that, uh, is a power of good, and it’s a power that’snn608n00:41:31.566 –> 00:41:32.726navailable in my life.nn609n00:41:32.726 –> 00:41:38.606nAnd all I have to do is make a connection with it.nn610n00:41:38.606 –> 00:41:48.646nAnd I read something, uh, and I, that really touched me, and it was, like, where it says, “Sought through prayer and meditation.” I changed that and, uh, and Inn611n00:41:48.646 –> 00:41:56.196nsaid, “Sought by paying attention.” ‘Cause when I’m paying attention, I’m where God is.nn612n00:41:56.196 –> 00:41:58.726nBecause God is only one place.nn613n00:41:58.726 –> 00:41:59.766nGod is in the now.nn614n00:41:59.766 –> 00:42:01.714nHe’s not in yesterday.nn615n00:42:01.714 –> 00:42:03.374nHe’s not in tomorrow.nn616n00:42:03.374 –> 00:42:05.364nHe’s only right here, right now.nn617n00:42:05.364 –> 00:42:09.774nAnd when I’m paying attention, I can get in touch with that power.nn618n00:42:09.774 –> 00:42:16.294nAnd I would not, there’s no place I would rather be in the world right now than right here, because this is where I am, right here, right now.nn619n00:42:16.294 –> 00:42:20.954nAnd I pay attention, and then God can come into my life.nn620n00:42:20.954 –> 00:42:30.414nWhen I was drinking, I was always about two drinks away from feeling really good.nn621n00:42:30.414 –> 00:42:36.034nI mean, I, I felt okay, but I was going to feel a lot better in about two more drinks.nn622n00:42:36.034 –> 00:42:40.594nAnd, and, and, and in doing that, I was never where I was.nn623n00:42:40.594 –> 00:42:44.534nWhen I was at work, I was thinking about being home.nn624n00:42:44.534 –> 00:42:49.274nWhen I was at home, I was thinking, “Oh, I got to go back to work.” I was never where I was.nn625n00:42:49.274 –> 00:42:54.494nAnd when you’re not where you are, you can’t be where the power is, because the power is only here.nn626n00:42:54.494 –> 00:42:58.454nSo I try to pay attention.nn627n00:42:58.454 –> 00:43:03.054nAnd I do that through prayer and meditation as well, but I try to pay attention to be where I am.nn628n00:43:03.054 –> 00:43:04.274nWhen I’m in traffic, I’m in traffic.nn629n00:43:04.274 –> 00:43:05.234nWhen I’m at work, I’m at work.nn630n00:43:05.234 –> 00:43:07.334nWhen I’m here, I’m here.nn631n00:43:07.334 –> 00:43:10.274nYou know, be here now.nn632n00:43:10.274 –> 00:43:13.674nThat’s, that’s powerful spiritual stuff.nn633n00:43:13.674 –> 00:43:16.394nUh, step 12.nn634n00:43:16.394 –> 00:43:26.394nI remember, uh, when I first got sober, I, I, uh, worked in a restaurant as I was a bartender, then I ended up becoming a waiter, and there wasnn635n00:43:26.394 –> 00:43:27.674na lot of drinking there.nn636n00:43:27.674 –> 00:43:31.144nAnd I started hitting on people that were there that they needed sobriety.nn637n00:43:31.144 –> 00:43:35.554nAnd I started taking some of them or trying to encourage some of them to go to meetings.nn638n00:43:35.554 –> 00:43:45.334nAnd, uh, then I saw this line in the book says, “You can’t transmit something you don’t have.” I’m like, “Oh, man, that’s too bad.” I remember one time when one of the guys wouldn’t go, and I took myself.nn639n00:43:45.334 –> 00:43:47.994nAnd I realized I’m the person that needs this.nn640n00:43:47.994 –> 00:43:55.034nBut I get a chance to carry the message a lot because I work in a prison.nn641n00:43:55.034 –> 00:44:01.174nThe prison I work with, work in is in Vacaville, and there’s 6,000 inmates in this prison.nn642n00:44:01.174 –> 00:44:02.774n6,000 guys.nn643n00:44:02.774 –> 00:44:07.274nAnd most of them are there dying of untreated alcoholism.nn644n00:44:07.274 –> 00:44:12.114nAnd I get to be an example of Alcoholics Anonymous.nn645n00:44:12.114 –> 00:44:16.574nAnd it’s, that’s a real gift that I get.nn646n00:44:16.574 –> 00:44:21.754nAnd the guys there, there are guys there that work incredible good programs.nn647n00:44:21.754 –> 00:44:27.094nThere’s guys there that talk about the gratitude they have of being sober in prison as opposed to be drunk on the streets.nn648n00:44:27.094 –> 00:44:31.314nThere’s more freedom for them in prison than there is out here in their disease.nn649n00:44:31.314 –> 00:44:33.314nThat’s a pretty powerful testimony.nn650n00:44:33.314 –> 00:44:40.574nUh, practicing the principles in all my affairs, I, I try to do that as best as I can.nn651n00:44:40.574 –> 00:44:50.434nI don’t know how good of an example that I am, but I, I certainly make a real effort, uh, to, to tell the truth and to, uh, be a good example of AA.nn652n00:44:50.434 –> 00:44:53.424nAnd, uh, I’ve had a spiritual awakening.nn653n00:44:53.424 –> 00:44:56.254nI’ve woken up as a result of these steps.nn654n00:44:56.254 –> 00:44:58.293nI’m not the same guy.nn655n00:44:58.293 –> 00:45:02.534nAnd, uh, I’m, I’m grateful that I’m not the same guy.nn656n00:45:02.534 –> 00:45:07.774nI actually go down the road sometimes thinking about you instead of thinking about me.nn657n00:45:07.774 –> 00:45:10.334nHow could I be helpful to you?nn658n00:45:10.334 –> 00:45:12.054nWhat a concept.nn659n00:45:12.054 –> 00:45:15.394nSo that’s kind of my little, um…nn660n00:45:15.394 –> 00:45:21.094nYou know, it’s neat that this group is called, uh, the Lodi Solutions because, you know, I like talking about the solution.nn661n00:45:21.094 –> 00:45:23.454nWe can, we all pretty much know the problem.nn662n00:45:23.454 –> 00:45:27.674nWhen I, when my sponsees call me after about a minute or so, okay, I got the problem.nn663n00:45:27.674 –> 00:45:28.194nI got it.nn664n00:45:28.194 –> 00:45:29.954nI got the problem.nn665n00:45:29.954 –> 00:45:30.734nOkay.nn666n00:45:30.734 –> 00:45:32.994nYou know, they want to talk about the problem for about an hour.nn667n00:45:32.994 –> 00:45:34.194nNo, I got it.nn668n00:45:34.194 –> 00:45:35.294nLet’s get on to the solution.nn669n00:45:35.294 –> 00:45:43.194nBut sobriety is like a, an escalator that’s going like this.nn670n00:45:43.194 –> 00:45:45.374nNo, it’s going like this, rather.nn671n00:45:45.374 –> 00:45:50.374nWe’re on an escalator that’s going down, and we’re walking up.nn672n00:45:50.374 –> 00:45:54.354nThe second we stop walking up, we’re going down.nn673n00:45:54.354 –> 00:45:58.034nThere’s no coasting in sobriety.nn674n00:45:58.034 –> 00:46:02.614nYou’re either going away from a drink or towards a drink.nn675n00:46:02.614 –> 00:46:10.244nAnd what my job to do is to keep walking up because the escalator is going down.nn676n00:46:10.244 –> 00:46:15.054nAnd what I wanted to do real quick is I wanted to work the steps for you backwards.nn677n00:46:15.054 –> 00:46:17.414nJust to give you an idea.nn678n00:46:17.414 –> 00:46:23.374nI’ve worked them forward, but you can also work them backwards, and I’m going to try to do that just real, real quickly here.nn679n00:46:23.374 –> 00:46:25.014n12.nn680n00:46:25.014 –> 00:46:30.074nUm, yeah, there’s, there’s principle, there’s principles that run the universe.nn681n00:46:30.074 –> 00:46:36.404nIt’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I got to get mine before you get it because there’s not enough to go around.nn682n00:46:36.404 –> 00:46:37.954n11.nn683n00:46:37.954 –> 00:46:39.484nI pray.nn684n00:46:39.484 –> 00:46:40.854nI pray all the time.nn685n00:46:40.854 –> 00:46:42.914nMe, me, me, me, me, me, me.nn686n00:46:42.914 –> 00:46:43.944nNow, now, now, now, now.nn687n00:46:43.944 –> 00:46:45.354nMore, more, more, more, more.nn688n00:46:45.354 –> 00:46:46.114nAmen.nn689n00:46:46.114 –> 00:46:49.554n10.nn690n00:46:49.554 –> 00:46:52.074nI take inventories.nn691n00:46:52.074 –> 00:46:53.754nI’m pretty good at inventory taking.nn692n00:46:53.754 –> 00:46:54.854nI take your inventory.nn693n00:46:54.854 –> 00:46:56.834nYou’re a lousy driver.nn694n00:46:56.834 –> 00:46:59.474nYou don’t work a very good program.nn695n00:46:59.474 –> 00:47:03.514nAnd you’re picking on me all the time.nn696n00:47:03.514 –> 00:47:05.354nAnd I don’t like it.nn697n00:47:05.354 –> 00:47:06.894nNine.nn698n00:47:06.894 –> 00:47:12.534nI’m not going to admit that I’m wrong even if you prove it in a court of law.nn699n00:47:12.534 –> 00:47:16.874nEight.nn700n00:47:16.874 –> 00:47:19.114nI got a list.nn701n00:47:19.114 –> 00:47:20.734nIt’s a shit list.nn702n00:47:20.734 –> 00:47:23.434nYour name’s on it.nn703n00:47:23.434 –> 00:47:28.854nSeven.nn704n00:47:28.854 –> 00:47:32.634nHow can a guy like me be humble?nn705n00:47:32.634 –> 00:47:37.194nI may not be much, but I’m all I think about.nn706n00:47:37.194 –> 00:47:39.994nSix.nn707n00:47:39.994 –> 00:47:43.094nYeah, I’ve, I’ve been willing.nn708n00:47:43.094 –> 00:47:44.474nI’m, I’m willing sometimes.nn709n00:47:44.474 –> 00:47:51.074nI remember this one time I was kind of willing, and I was going to get this book called The Power of Positive Thinking, but I thought, oh, well, what’s the use?nn710n00:47:51.074 –> 00:47:53.954nFive.nn711n00:47:53.954 –> 00:47:57.514nI’m not going to admit to it even if you have pictures.nn712n00:47:57.514 –> 00:48:01.254nFour.nn713n00:48:01.254 –> 00:48:03.758nFour.nn714n00:48:03.758 –> 00:48:04.838nYeah, okay.nn715n00:48:04.838 –> 00:48:07.038nUm, it’s, it’s your fault.nn716n00:48:07.038 –> 00:48:15.408nAnd, uh, again, I, you know, I’m tired of you picking on me, and, uh, I, I’m just not gonna put up with it anymore.nn717n00:48:15.408 –> 00:48:17.698nAnd it’s like this shit fairy’s following me around.nn718n00:48:17.698 –> 00:48:22.018nEvery place I go, I have all these troubles, and it’s all your fault that I have them.nn719n00:48:22.018 –> 00:48:23.558nThree.nn720n00:48:23.558 –> 00:48:26.338nI’m not gonna…nn721n00:48:26.338 –> 00:48:28.018nYou, you want me to turn my life over to God?nn722n00:48:28.018 –> 00:48:29.238nWhat if He screws it up?nn723n00:48:29.238 –> 00:48:32.558nTwo.nn724n00:48:32.558 –> 00:48:34.218nTwo.nn725n00:48:34.218 –> 00:48:37.658nWell, you know, it’s gonna be different this time.nn726n00:48:37.658 –> 00:48:42.778nNumber one, I’m the captain of my fate.nn727n00:48:42.778 –> 00:48:43.318nI’m the…nn728n00:48:43.318 –> 00:48:44.558nWhat’s the other one?nn729n00:48:44.558 –> 00:48:47.558nUh, I’m the, uh, something of my soul.nn730n00:48:47.558 –> 00:48:49.458nUh, uh, uh, kind of Tarzan.nn731n00:48:49.458 –> 00:48:50.908nI’m in charge now.nn732n00:48:50.908 –> 00:48:57.418nWell, if I’m in charge, I’m gonna put my wallet on the table ’cause my driver’s license is gonna go.nn733n00:48:57.418 –> 00:49:01.318nI got a picture of one of my granddaughters there.nn734n00:49:01.318 –> 00:49:02.418nThe grandkids are gonna go.nn735n00:49:02.418 –> 00:49:06.198nBut I’m the bo– I’m gonna put my money on the table.nn736n00:49:06.198 –> 00:49:07.858nThis is my coin, my 24-year coin.nn737n00:49:07.858 –> 00:49:08.738nThat’s gonna go.nn738n00:49:08.738 –> 00:49:09.518nNo money.nn739n00:49:09.518 –> 00:49:15.318nCar keys, they’re gone.nn740n00:49:15.318 –> 00:49:18.358nDriver’s license is gone.nn741n00:49:18.358 –> 00:49:22.598nGlasses, I’ll probably sit on those or something.nn742n00:49:22.598 –> 00:49:22.998nThey’re gone.nn743n00:49:22.998 –> 00:49:29.758nI take my teeth out, too, ’cause I’ll probably puke them down the toilet by mistake.nn744n00:49:29.758 –> 00:49:36.878nOh, officer, those cuffs are a little tight.nn745n00:49:36.878 –> 00:49:43.318nWhen they put handcuffs on you, they say you can’t even be trusted with your own hands.nn746n00:49:43.318 –> 00:49:46.538nThat’s when I’m running the show.nn747n00:49:46.538 –> 00:49:50.558nWe stand at the fork every day.nn748n00:49:50.558 –> 00:49:54.778nAn alcoholic death or a spiritual life.nn749n00:49:54.778 –> 00:49:56.538nWe have to make that choice.nn750n00:49:56.538 –> 00:49:59.978nYou know, I choose to work the steps forward.nn751n00:49:59.978 –> 00:50:03.038nUh, they’ve, they’ve given me a really beautiful life.nn752n00:50:03.038 –> 00:50:13.078nAnd the, um, the alcoholic car that I– I mean, the, the, the– I had– Well, the new car that I bought whennn753n00:50:13.078 –> 00:50:16.098nI was new in sobriety, I called it my sobriety car.nn754n00:50:16.098 –> 00:50:20.398nI had an alcoholic truck, and I got this sobriety car, the sports car that I had.nn755n00:50:20.398 –> 00:50:30.878nWhen I was about five years sober, my son, he was 17 then, andnn756n00:50:30.878 –> 00:50:39.698nhe borrowed it one night with me not knowing about it, but he had my wife’s permission, and he got drunk, and he almost killed his best friend.nn757n00:50:39.698 –> 00:50:40.398nHe had an accident.nn758n00:50:40.398 –> 00:50:48.918nHe hit a, he hit an oak tree, and his friend was thrown out of the car, and the car rolled over on top of him, and he was in a coma for a week.nn759n00:50:48.918 –> 00:50:52.378nAnd I got a thing called a resentment.nn760n00:50:52.378 –> 00:50:55.858nThat was my sobriety car, and he smashed it.nn761n00:50:55.858 –> 00:50:56.578nHe ruined it.nn762n00:50:56.578 –> 00:50:59.198nAnd I was really upset.nn763n00:50:59.198 –> 00:51:03.298nAnd some Al-Anon people came over to our house.nn764n00:51:03.298 –> 00:51:05.198nWe got 12-stepped by Al-Anon.nn765n00:51:05.198 –> 00:51:13.898nAnd one of the ladies says, “Maybe it’s his sobriety car.” Whoa.nn766n00:51:13.898 –> 00:51:16.958nThat was his last drink.nn767n00:51:16.958 –> 00:51:20.478nHe just celebrated 19 years of sobriety last month.nn768n00:51:20.478 –> 00:51:30.498nAnd what that taught me is that I don’t know what to benn769n00:51:30.498 –> 00:51:32.398ngrateful for and what not to be grateful for.nn770n00:51:32.398 –> 00:51:35.378nI used to have a pile of, “Oh, I like that.nn771n00:51:35.378 –> 00:51:42.498nI’m thankful for that, but I’m not thankful for that.” And I had things in the wrong piles a lot of times.nn772n00:51:42.498 –> 00:51:48.918nAn example, I had being an alcoholic in the, the bad pile.nn773n00:51:48.918 –> 00:51:50.058nI don’t want to be alcoholic.nn774n00:51:50.058 –> 00:51:52.228nThat’s a terrible thing to, to wish on somebody.nn775n00:51:52.228 –> 00:51:54.638nThat’s the best thing that ever happened to me.nn776n00:51:54.638 –> 00:51:58.598nIt turns out my worst day was my best day.nn777n00:51:58.598 –> 00:52:00.498nI got sober.nn778n00:52:00.498 –> 00:52:03.578nI thought quitting drinking and quitting drugs was the worst thing that could happen to me.nn779n00:52:03.578 –> 00:52:05.158nIt was the best thing that ever happened to me.nn780n00:52:05.158 –> 00:52:09.018nThat car was just a car.nn781n00:52:09.018 –> 00:52:10.978nI have a s-sober son.nn782n00:52:10.978 –> 00:52:15.198nAnd he met a girl in AA who got sober when she was 16.nn783n00:52:15.198 –> 00:52:19.177nAnd, uh, they’re married and have three kids, and they both have master’s degree.nn784n00:52:19.177 –> 00:52:21.078nThey’re doing fabulously well.nn785n00:52:21.078 –> 00:52:23.677nThey are so much better parents than w- than my wife and I were.nn786n00:52:23.677 –> 00:52:28.158nThe disease is, is, is losing its grip on our family.nn787n00:52:28.158 –> 00:52:32.258nYou know, I’ve heard it said that, you know, alcoholism is a family disease.nn788n00:52:32.258 –> 00:52:34.958nThe whole, the whole family gets to participate eventually.nn789n00:52:34.958 –> 00:52:36.858nIt’s not a spectator sport.nn790n00:52:36.858 –> 00:52:43.938nAnd my sister who told me about AA, she has, uh, I think 27 years now.nn791n00:52:43.938 –> 00:52:44.818nAnd she met a man in AA.nn792n00:52:44.818 –> 00:52:45.298nThey got married.nn793n00:52:45.298 –> 00:52:47.058nHe has 30 years of sobriety.nn794n00:52:47.058 –> 00:52:49.538nAnd my wife has 24 years of sobriety also.nn795n00:52:49.538 –> 00:52:55.838nAnd my sister has a, a daughter who I think has 15 or 16 years of sobriety.nn796n00:52:55.838 –> 00:53:00.118nSo we have, uh, like 130 years of sobriety in our family.nn797n00:53:00.118 –> 00:53:04.318nAnd, uh, the other people that don’t have any sobriety are dead.nn798n00:53:04.318 –> 00:53:14.898nSo it’s like, um, I heard Father Tom say one time, his– he, he was, uh, talking about one of his uncles who had died of alcoholism, and he asked his mom whethernn799n00:53:14.898 –> 00:53:16.118nhis uncle had tried AA.nn800n00:53:16.118 –> 00:53:21.598nAnd she said, “Oh, he wasn’t that bad.” He was dead, but…nn801n00:53:21.598 –> 00:53:27.278nSo what I’ve come to do is I don’t have two piles anymore.nn802n00:53:27.278 –> 00:53:31.658nI don’t have a pile of, “Oh, I like that, and I don’t like that.” I have one pile.nn803n00:53:31.658 –> 00:53:37.598nAnd the pile is, “Thank you, God.” And thank you for letting me share tonight.nn”;

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