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const vttText = “WEBVTTnn1n00:00:00.140 –> 00:00:01.340nNice, nice and so far.nn2n00:00:01.340 –> 00:00:07.919nAnd I’d like to bring up our next speaker, and it’s, uh, James, and we’re enthused to have you here.nn3n00:00:07.919 –> 00:00:09.839nSo light us up.nn4n00:00:09.839 –> 00:00:18.379nGood day, everybody.nn5n00:00:18.379 –> 00:00:20.300nI’m a grateful drunk, and my name is James.nn6n00:00:20.300 –> 00:00:21.719nJames.nn7n00:00:21.719 –> 00:00:31.839nIt is because of God’s grace and good people like yourself, I haven’t found it necessary to pick up a drink or drug any minor off the chemicals since June eleventh of nineteen ninety-four, and for that I’m eternallynn8n00:00:31.839 –> 00:00:32.340ngrateful.nn9n00:00:32.340 –> 00:00:41.280nAnd because of people like y’all, y’all remind me how I can’t take no credit, and, uh, that bothers me sometimes.nn10n00:00:41.280 –> 00:00:51.399nUm, you know, I, I, I was, I was, I was thinking about what do you say tonn11n00:00:51.399 –> 00:01:02.359na bunch of people that more than likely because of this process have either come to know God andnn12n00:01:02.359 –> 00:01:03.000nlove AA.nn13n00:01:03.000 –> 00:01:13.000nIt is almost the feeling of being a preacher at a podium, and you’re preaching to a congregation, and you turn back tonn14n00:01:13.000 –> 00:01:18.359nthe choir and say, “How y’all feel?” It’s like, what do you say?nn15n00:01:18.359 –> 00:01:23.099nWell, all I can do is do what the book tells me in the seventh chapter.nn16n00:01:23.099 –> 00:01:29.640nI would like to have the time to sit down like I did with my brothers over at Carry the Message, and I ain’t got a month.nn17n00:01:29.640 –> 00:01:39.819nSo but what I’m gonna do is to the best of my ability, is to stress the spiritual feature as best as I know how, as it was revealed to me in the period of timenn18n00:01:39.819 –> 00:01:41.000nthat I had.nn19n00:01:41.000 –> 00:01:51.319nAnd what simply took place was that I was the kind of person from nineteen eighty to nineteen ninety-fournn20n00:01:51.319 –> 00:01:58.140nthat came into places like this, and after a period of time, I can no longer differentiate the truth from the false.nn21n00:01:58.140 –> 00:02:04.099nFor I believed that my drinking life was the only normal one.nn22n00:02:04.099 –> 00:02:14.280nAnd I would sit here and become restless, irritable, and discontent unless I can soon again feel a sensenn23n00:02:14.280 –> 00:02:19.370nof ease and comfort that comes after taking a drink- Yeah …nn24n00:02:19.370 –> 00:02:20.240na few drinks.nn25n00:02:20.240 –> 00:02:25.039nAnd the reason that that came to mind is because I had an opportunity.nn26n00:02:25.039 –> 00:02:31.180nAfter a meeting, I met somebody in the place I love the best, and that’s the parking lot.nn27n00:02:31.180 –> 00:02:41.180nAnd we began to have a, a, a discussion about a story he felt I should hear and that henn28n00:02:41.180 –> 00:02:42.080nwanted to share with me.nn29n00:02:42.080 –> 00:02:47.740nAnd what he shared with me was a story of a grandfather who for thirty years went without a drink.nn30n00:02:47.740 –> 00:02:58.819nThe man had, I guess, some heart problems, as his grandson was telling me the story, and he told me how he had a half a pint sittingnn31n00:02:58.819 –> 00:03:00.419nof Seagram’s whiskey.nn32n00:03:00.419 –> 00:03:09.620nNow, in my generation, I don’t remember Seagram’s whiskey much, but to hear Seagram whiskey and I went, “I know Seagram’s gin.nn33n00:03:09.620 –> 00:03:19.759nI even know the VO, but I don’t know much about the whiskey.” So he’s telling me the story, and he tells me the story and he says, “As the man begins to getnn34n00:03:19.759 –> 00:03:30.669ncloser, I guess, to whatever severe moment that was taking place, he said to his grandson, ‘Go in there and get the Seagram’s and bring two glasses.'” Thenn35n00:03:30.669 –> 00:03:37.560nman was explaining to me that it appeared to him that his grandfather was having a heart attack, and he was thirty years without a drink or whatever.nn36n00:03:37.560 –> 00:03:45.419nAnd he said he poured the two drinks for him and his grandfather, and they took the drink, and shortly after that, the man passed.nn37n00:03:45.419 –> 00:03:55.490nAnd the young man began to explain to me how this baffled him and how it confused him, and I sat there and, and, and I don’t know about the rest of you drunks,nn38n00:03:55.490 –> 00:03:58.639nbut the story didn’t surprise me any.nn39n00:03:58.639 –> 00:04:00.409nI didn’t even…nn40n00:04:00.409 –> 00:04:10.740nYou know, I felt empathy, but I didn’t feel any sympathy about the moment, and I understood it as if I was living the moment, and there was an identification.nn41n00:04:10.740 –> 00:04:12.139nAnd what I mean by that is this.nn42n00:04:12.139 –> 00:04:22.160nThere is one thing without this process that I would want more than anything in this world,nn43n00:04:22.160 –> 00:04:24.839nand that is to have a drink.nn44n00:04:24.839 –> 00:04:34.959nI’m not gonna stand here and paint this picture of you as if alcohol was the worst thing that ever happenednn45n00:04:34.959 –> 00:04:35.959nto me.nn46n00:04:35.959 –> 00:04:36.540nIt wasn’t.nn47n00:04:36.540 –> 00:04:39.490nI was the worst thing that ever happened to me.nn48n00:04:39.490 –> 00:04:49.600nBecause if you’re anything like I was or what I could be again, was that alcohol did something for me beforenn49n00:04:49.600 –> 00:04:51.798nyou guys carried that message to me.nn50n00:04:51.798 –> 00:04:53.680nAlcohol carried a message too.nn51n00:04:53.680 –> 00:05:03.100nFor some apparent reason, no matter how bad things was in my past, alcohol tends to make it okay for the moment.nn52n00:05:03.100 –> 00:05:13.180nWhen you hurt my feelings and I couldn’t understand what it was that I did to you, when I would pour a drink, I would look for why it was that you were doing to me whatnn53n00:05:13.180 –> 00:05:15.560nit was you was doing to me as I looked in the glass.nn54n00:05:15.560 –> 00:05:17.939nY’all can’t identify that.nn55n00:05:17.939 –> 00:05:28.100nY’all may also remember the times where you laid in your bed at night in a cold, dead sleep, and you’re tossing and turning, and the cool side of the pillownn56n00:05:28.100 –> 00:05:29.120njust ain’t working.nn57n00:05:29.120 –> 00:05:39.620nAnd you pop up out your sleep, and you feel around on the corner of the bed, and you find it, and you crack the top, and you take a big old mouthful,nn58n00:05:39.620 –> 00:05:41.259nand you swallow it.nn59n00:05:41.259 –> 00:05:47.439nAnd it go down that little pipe, and it hit that bottom of your stomach, boom.nn60n00:05:47.439 –> 00:05:57.550nAnd you fall back on the pillow and say, I guess y’allnn61n00:05:57.550 –> 00:05:58.339ndon’t identify.nn62n00:05:58.339 –> 00:06:02.139nWhy am I talking about that?nn63n00:06:02.139 –> 00:06:12.252nBecause how many times have we, people like us who know what the book has revealed to us, chapter seven towards the end tells us that any time that we go around talking about alcoholnn64n00:06:12.252 –> 00:06:13.951nbadly, the newcomer won’t stand for it.nn65n00:06:13.951 –> 00:06:17.351nAnd the founders told us it’s stupidity.nn66n00:06:17.351 –> 00:06:19.932nWhy is it stupidity?nn67n00:06:19.932 –> 00:06:30.012nBecause for years I sat in these rooms and people said things like this: “I come to AA because booze stopped working.” Page fifty-three said logicnn68n00:06:30.012 –> 00:06:32.012nis a good stuff, we like it, we still like it.nn69n00:06:32.012 –> 00:06:38.791nAnd it talks about how I would not give myself over to reasonable interpretation or reasonable approach.nn70n00:06:38.791 –> 00:06:51.591nSo the first thought in my mind was when you said, “I came to AA because booze stopped working,” the first thought in my mind was, “Why are you here?” Whynn71n00:06:51.591 –> 00:06:52.132nare you here?nn72n00:06:52.132 –> 00:07:02.052nIf you’re sitting in an AA meeting wondering that I’m here because booze stopped working, then you may need to be in Al-Anon.nn73n00:07:02.052 –> 00:07:05.651nThat’s the truth.nn74n00:07:05.651 –> 00:07:08.471nI am an alcoholic.nn75n00:07:08.471 –> 00:07:12.791nI am a real alcoholic.nn76n00:07:12.791 –> 00:07:14.151nHow do I know?nn77n00:07:14.151 –> 00:07:24.591nWell, I suffer from a bodily problem that is so devastating, even the medical s- fraternity in nineteen thirty-ninenn78n00:07:24.591 –> 00:07:27.630nhad to say it’s a phenomenon.nn79n00:07:27.630 –> 00:07:37.831nMedical fraternity today knows a little more about metabolism than they did in nineteen thirty-nine,nn80n00:07:37.831 –> 00:07:47.112nand they still say it, “It’s a phenomenon.” Because what alcohol does for me, it don’t do for the regular world.nn81n00:07:47.112 –> 00:07:57.192nNormal drinkers go out, they say, “Honey, would you like to go out to dinner tonight?” She says, “Sure, hon.” He goes upstairs and he cleans up real good, and they go out to dinner and he has somenn82n00:07:57.192 –> 00:08:00.672npasta and some salad and maybe a glass of wine or…nn83n00:08:00.672 –> 00:08:04.291nAnd then they leave and go home and do what normal people do.nn84n00:08:04.291 –> 00:08:06.911nI didn’t do that at Olive Garden.nn85n00:08:06.911 –> 00:08:14.132nHow about you, Bill?nn86n00:08:14.132 –> 00:08:21.132nI nibbled on a breadstick and mama said…nn87n00:08:21.132 –> 00:08:26.312nCan I get a doggie bag, and held me by the arm, and we went home.nn88n00:08:26.312 –> 00:08:29.331nNormal people don’t do that.nn89n00:08:29.331 –> 00:08:39.991nI had my first drink when I was nine years old, and I’m not gonna take the advantage of a opportunity to speak and tell younn90n00:08:39.991 –> 00:08:42.552nthat I became an alcoholic at nine years old.nn91n00:08:42.552 –> 00:08:43.971nNope.nn92n00:08:43.971 –> 00:08:49.532nI had my first drink based on something that I interpreted.nn93n00:08:49.532 –> 00:08:52.292nI had a grandfather I loved dearly.nn94n00:08:52.292 –> 00:08:57.412nI was kind of his– I was his namesake, and I was his oldest grandchild.nn95n00:08:57.412 –> 00:09:05.892nAnd what happened was, Grandpa used to go to work every day, and he had a special little chair that sat on the porch by the threshold of the door.nn96n00:09:05.892 –> 00:09:13.172nHe had one of them lamp tables, and he had one of those tin, tin things cut in half that he used as an ashtray.nn97n00:09:13.172 –> 00:09:16.251nAnd he came home one day and didn’t feel like messing with me.nn98n00:09:16.251 –> 00:09:25.231nAnd he went in the door, and he came back out with his cigar, and he came out the door with this clear mayonnaise-looking jar.nn99n00:09:25.231 –> 00:09:35.572nAnd he sat down, and he lit that cigar, and when he lit that cigar, he took a couple puffs, opened up that jar, took a couple of gulps, and becamenn100n00:09:35.572 –> 00:09:36.692nthis fun-loving guy.nn101n00:09:36.692 –> 00:09:37.511nWe had a ball.nn102n00:09:37.511 –> 00:09:40.331nCouple of days passed.nn103n00:09:40.331 –> 00:09:41.892nHe come home again.nn104n00:09:41.892 –> 00:09:44.802nSame routine, you could almost set your clocks over.nn105n00:09:44.802 –> 00:09:46.471nAnd what happened?nn106n00:09:46.471 –> 00:09:49.052nLit the cigar, took a couple of gulps.nn107n00:09:49.052 –> 00:09:52.692nI guess he was physically tired that day, and he fell back in the chair.nn108n00:09:52.692 –> 00:09:56.172nAnd I remember this feeling I felt.nn109n00:09:56.172 –> 00:10:00.192nAnd in my mind, I remember how it changed him.nn110n00:10:00.192 –> 00:10:02.292nSo, what did I do?nn111n00:10:02.292 –> 00:10:05.532nAt nine years old, I went and grabbed his cigar.nn112n00:10:05.532 –> 00:10:10.861nYou know.nn113n00:10:10.861 –> 00:10:20.432nThen I said, “Well, that ain’t work.” So then I took his clear mayonnaise jar, and I opened it up, and I just threw it back.nn114n00:10:20.432 –> 00:10:25.591nAnd I wanna let you know, if you got any nine-year-olds at home, let them know that corn whiskey don’t go down smooth.nn115n00:10:25.591 –> 00:10:30.572nAnd from that day on out, I never drank for the taste.nn116n00:10:30.572 –> 00:10:33.751nNever again drank for the taste.nn117n00:10:33.751 –> 00:10:42.792nBecause if there are any drunks in here, and you ever went down South or happened to get lucky up this way and run across some corn whiskey, that’s the good stuff.nn118n00:10:42.792 –> 00:10:46.032nIt don’t come any, it don’t come no purer than that.nn119n00:10:46.032 –> 00:10:56.072nAnd what happened was, is that the next example that was sent to me was how humorous the so-called normal people thought it was thatnn120n00:10:56.072 –> 00:10:58.692nI put myself in that position to be dizzy.nn121n00:10:58.692 –> 00:11:07.792nAnd they laughed and saw me puke, and they, “Nah, nah, you did– took your lesson, you little brat,” you know, and I’m sick as a dog, and it wasn’t cute.nn122n00:11:07.792 –> 00:11:10.692nNow, I’m gonna start speeding up after this.nn123n00:11:10.692 –> 00:11:18.011nNow, I wanna take you back to a scene so you can understand what I consider my alcoholism.nn124n00:11:18.011 –> 00:11:23.772n’Cause I just told you about my first time consuming alcohol.nn125n00:11:23.772 –> 00:11:33.792nAnd there’s sometimes this, this confusing thing that goes on in the rooms because on one hand we talk about alcoholism, andnn126n00:11:33.792 –> 00:11:38.052non the other hand we forget to talk about alcohol.nn127n00:11:38.052 –> 00:11:44.932n’Cause, see, alcohol will kill you if you are a real alcoholic.nn128n00:11:44.932 –> 00:11:54.971nAlcoholism will beat you up emotionally, spiritually, and mentally if you’renn129n00:11:54.971 –> 00:11:58.272nnot physically drinking alcohol.nn130n00:11:58.272 –> 00:12:07.960nNow, once I stopped physically drinking alcohol- Think, feel, or believe.nn131n00:12:07.960 –> 00:12:10.210nYeah.nn132n00:12:10.210 –> 00:12:16.539nAnd I don’t even care how I do because alcohol worked for me.nn133n00:12:16.539 –> 00:12:17.740nYeah.nn134n00:12:17.740 –> 00:12:20.820nIt’s not working for me now, but it worked.nn135n00:12:20.820 –> 00:12:30.879nThat’s why when the program started to work, I became recovered from a seamlessly hopeless state ofnn136n00:12:30.879 –> 00:12:32.159nmind and body.nn137n00:12:32.159 –> 00:12:38.840nNow, from the ages of three till I was nine years old, I was raised by this grandmother.nn138n00:12:38.840 –> 00:12:42.659nThat’s how I stumbled into grandpa and his activities and became his pet.nn139n00:12:42.659 –> 00:12:52.779nAround the age of ten, this is where I believe my defectiveness started to kick in because between nine and ten, ten and a half yearsnn140n00:12:52.779 –> 00:13:02.940nold, when grandma passed away about a little– about close to thirty years or so ago, what happened was, at this point now, I’m not drinking, but the thingsnn141n00:13:02.940 –> 00:13:07.039nby which I should be developing and understanding, I am not.nn142n00:13:07.039 –> 00:13:12.419nAnd the first one of the– I was introduced to one of the first four horses.nn143n00:13:12.419 –> 00:13:14.120nTerror.nn144n00:13:14.120 –> 00:13:16.480nHow did I come across that?nn145n00:13:16.480 –> 00:13:23.220nI was at– I came home from school one day, and grandma knew I had homework, and I had a routine.nn146n00:13:23.220 –> 00:13:30.259nI would sit, kneel down at the coffee table in front of the TV, which was my privilege as long as I was doing my homework.nn147n00:13:30.259 –> 00:13:32.580nGrandma had a asthma attack.nn148n00:13:32.580 –> 00:13:35.539nShe asked me to go get her a cup of coffee.nn149n00:13:35.539 –> 00:13:41.440nNow I understand why she used to tell me to go get her coffee when she had asthma attacks for some reason, caffeine, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever.nn150n00:13:41.440 –> 00:13:43.980nAnd I went there, and I got it, and I brung it back to her.nn151n00:13:43.980 –> 00:13:48.179nAs I knelt down to do my homework, my grandmother was sitting there watching me.nn152n00:13:48.179 –> 00:13:49.480nI just looked over at her.nn153n00:13:49.480 –> 00:13:50.259nNothing was happening.nn154n00:13:50.259 –> 00:13:51.159nI just kept going.nn155n00:13:51.159 –> 00:13:58.139nAnd I sat there for a while doing my homework, and I got up, and I tapped grandma, and the coffee spilled in her lap, and she didn’t move.nn156n00:13:58.139 –> 00:14:01.019nI didn’t get kicked, slapped, you know, cussed out or whatever.nn157n00:14:01.019 –> 00:14:05.860nI knew something was wrong, and I felt pure, unadulterated terror.nn158n00:14:05.860 –> 00:14:06.440nGuess what?nn159n00:14:06.440 –> 00:14:08.080nI ain’t an alcoholic yet.nn160n00:14:08.080 –> 00:14:14.198nSo I tear off out the house in pure bedevilment.nn161n00:14:14.198 –> 00:14:15.899nDon’t have an idea.nn162n00:14:15.899 –> 00:14:22.740nI’m bewildered, I’m terrified, and I just run to one place I knew a person could help me.nn163n00:14:22.740 –> 00:14:23.740nThat was my great uncle.nn164n00:14:23.740 –> 00:14:33.740nThey get me back, they say, “Grandma died.” Now they telling me that I gotta, I gotta go to my mother or my father, and Inn165n00:14:33.740 –> 00:14:34.879ndon’t know neither one of them.nn166n00:14:34.879 –> 00:14:37.500nSo what’s the next thing I feel?nn167n00:14:37.500 –> 00:14:39.059nFear.nn168n00:14:39.059 –> 00:14:43.559nI’m frightened to death because I don’t know my mama or my daddy.nn169n00:14:43.559 –> 00:14:44.489nI don’t know themnn170n00:14:46.865 –> 00:14:48.145nI ain’t talking about alcohol.nn171n00:14:48.145 –> 00:14:54.885nI’m talking about how I was emotionally stricken before booze started working.nn172n00:14:54.885 –> 00:15:03.145nSo between the ages of ten and thirteen years old, I ended up in a wonderful community called Jersey City.nn173n00:15:03.145 –> 00:15:13.145nIt wasn’t necessarily Mayberry, and it was a totally culture shock for me because at this time I was being raised with, bynn174n00:15:13.145 –> 00:15:13.905nmy grandmother.nn175n00:15:13.905 –> 00:15:17.585nWe went from South Carolina to a place called Wilmington, North Carolina.nn176n00:15:17.585 –> 00:15:20.685nI mean, the beach was just minutes away.nn177n00:15:20.685 –> 00:15:24.425nI grew up in this nice household with grandma.nn178n00:15:24.425 –> 00:15:29.545nNow I’m in a cold water flat with my mama, with three other siblings.nn179n00:15:29.545 –> 00:15:36.205nSo now terror, fear, bewilderment, and guess what’s kicking in now?nn180n00:15:36.205 –> 00:15:38.405nFrustration.nn181n00:15:38.405 –> 00:15:48.465nBecause I would get confused at the fact that when mama was around and my sisters were there, they were interested in mama telling them who I was, how,nn182n00:15:48.465 –> 00:15:56.085nhow I was gonna fit into the family, and as soon as mama left the room, they would estrange themselves to me.nn183n00:15:56.085 –> 00:16:01.425nAnd I would be confused about that, and I was frustrated, and I couldn’t understand why y’all act like y’all scared of me.nn184n00:16:01.425 –> 00:16:03.505nWhy y’all don’t wanna play with me?nn185n00:16:03.505 –> 00:16:10.065nIf you think I’m kidding, I’ll give you a perfect illustration before man and God.nn186n00:16:10.065 –> 00:16:16.245nIf you ever grew up in the hood, we had a wonderful event in the summertime called the ice cream truck.nn187n00:16:16.245 –> 00:16:20.705nEddie Murphy made a joke out of it, but it’s true in the hood.nn188n00:16:20.705 –> 00:16:23.365nHot summer day in the hood, it’s hot.nn189n00:16:23.365 –> 00:16:24.685nThere ain’t no trees.nn190n00:16:24.685 –> 00:16:27.185nThere ain’t no wonderful parks and all stuff like that.nn191n00:16:27.185 –> 00:16:30.345nYou running up and down the sidewalk playing tops and all kinds of stuff.nn192n00:16:30.345 –> 00:16:35.945nAn ice cream truck came, and all the kids tear down the block to get money from the adults.nn193n00:16:35.945 –> 00:16:41.125nNow, the adults are sitting on the stoop drinking their beer, sipping their stuff, and we run down the street to get change.nn194n00:16:41.125 –> 00:16:51.175nAs I’m in the crowd of kids working my way to the grown-ups to get my change, my uncles and them are handing out fifty cents and dollars, and all of a sudden I’m walking up, and they just take their money, fold it, put it back innn195n00:16:51.175 –> 00:16:52.485ntheir pocket.nn196n00:16:52.485 –> 00:17:00.825nAnd I’m thinking, “What about me?” And then I looked up, and my Aunt Janet was in the window, and I love her to death, still to this day.nn197n00:17:00.825 –> 00:17:01.625nLove her.nn198n00:17:01.625 –> 00:17:04.185nI love my Aunt Janet about as much as I say I love my mother.nn199n00:17:04.185 –> 00:17:10.685nMy Aunt Janet called me upstairs, and she had a pint or half a gallon of ice cream, and she’d give me a spoon and share with me.nn200n00:17:10.685 –> 00:17:14.605nAnd from that point on out, I became lonely.nn201n00:17:14.605 –> 00:17:18.865nLike, I felt detached even from my immediate family.nn202n00:17:18.865 –> 00:17:23.265nI got a friend in the audience today to tell you I’m still estranged to my family.nn203n00:17:23.265 –> 00:17:29.685nA lot of them still living in these, in, in these urban industrial communities, and for those who don’t understand what I’m saying, they still in the hood.nn204n00:17:29.685 –> 00:17:33.745nNot out because they have to be, because of choice.nn205n00:17:33.745 –> 00:17:37.305nI’m not saying that there’s nothing wrong with that.nn206n00:17:37.305 –> 00:17:47.345nI’m not saying it’s bad to be attached to your community or whatever, but because of that, I don’t find this, this– Like, if I don’t have my family in my life, I don’t know whatnn207n00:17:47.345 –> 00:17:47.945nI’m gonna do.nn208n00:17:47.945 –> 00:17:52.585nBecause, see, everything that I thought I had lost, God gave me back.nn209n00:17:52.585 –> 00:17:55.385nLike I told you, I never knew my father.nn210n00:17:55.385 –> 00:18:01.745nGod gave me a man who became my surrogate dad, who helped me to become the man that I am.nn211n00:18:01.745 –> 00:18:11.675nGod gave me a bunch of brothers and sisters like yourself, who I’m real close to, that when I see you, I feel just as close to you as I feel to a sister or a brother, if not closer.nn212n00:18:11.675 –> 00:18:19.505nNow, I understand that right now, so far, people, some might be wondering, where the alcohol fit in at.nn213n00:18:19.505 –> 00:18:21.445nWe’re about to get there.nn214n00:18:21.445 –> 00:18:28.685nI was thirteen years old at a public swimming pool, Montgomery Street under the Turnpike, and we swimming.nn215n00:18:28.685 –> 00:18:38.685nAnd like good ghetto kids, afterwards, we get on our shorts, and we’re going back down the street, and all of a sudden, there was a social club right across the street from the apartment building we lived in,nn216n00:18:38.685 –> 00:18:40.465nmy mother used to frequent.nn217n00:18:40.465 –> 00:18:43.905nAnd we noticed that there’s an ambulance down there, so we take off running down there.nn218n00:18:43.905 –> 00:18:48.925nSure enough, they bring a woman out on a stretcher, her hair is everywhere, and it’s my mom.nn219n00:18:48.925 –> 00:18:54.425nSomebody thought it was necessary to slip a Mickey in her drink, and it snapped her mind.nn220n00:18:54.425 –> 00:18:57.945nMy mother ended up in a, in a Trenton State institution for over a year.nn221n00:18:57.945 –> 00:19:07.125nThe wonderful state of New Jersey decided to put me and three other siblings under the care of an eighteen-year-old illiterate young lady who did not know how to manage a family.nn222n00:19:07.125 –> 00:19:14.655nSo we went through the good stuff like neglect, squalor, poverty, all that good stuff, abuse, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.nn223n00:19:14.655 –> 00:19:19.965nNow, the reason I’m telling you that because, see, I, I like telling alcoholics ’cause, see, y’all don’t care.nn224n00:19:19.965 –> 00:19:23.465nBut I used to work a psychoanalyst.nn225n00:19:23.465 –> 00:19:24.325nWhoo.nn226n00:19:24.325 –> 00:19:26.465nI need some more of that.nn227n00:19:26.465 –> 00:19:29.245nRaise the dosage.nn228n00:19:29.245 –> 00:19:33.825nOh, James, it’ll be my pleasure.nn229n00:19:33.825 –> 00:19:35.845nHow many milligrams?nn230n00:19:35.845 –> 00:19:39.925nYou, you know, psychoanalysts, I have nothing against.nn231n00:19:39.925 –> 00:19:40.585nI really don’t.nn232n00:19:40.585 –> 00:19:46.845nThey, they, they came in handy now, but before they, they really got used by me like most people.nn233n00:19:46.845 –> 00:19:56.625nAnd because of that tragedy in my life, I became a taker of thing and user of people, ’cause now I met my best friend, anger.nn234n00:19:56.625 –> 00:19:59.545nHe was like a cozy blanket.nn235n00:19:59.545 –> 00:20:06.485nA lot of people I sit in meetings, and I hear people say, “Is there a topic tonight?” Yes.nn236n00:20:06.485 –> 00:20:07.925nAnger.nn237n00:20:07.925 –> 00:20:18.285nAnd in my mind, God forgive me, in my mind, I’m saying, “Why don’t you just choose self-pity?” ‘Causenn238n00:20:18.285 –> 00:20:20.985nthat’s what’s underlining it in my case.nn239n00:20:20.985 –> 00:20:25.525nThe reason I was so angry is because I was so pitiful.nn240n00:20:25.525 –> 00:20:28.905nAnd that– And let me tell you what I mean by that.nn241n00:20:28.905 –> 00:20:34.265nBetween the ages of thirteen and fifteen years old, my heroes became the pimp, players, and hustlers.nn242n00:20:34.265 –> 00:20:34.825nWhy?nn243n00:20:34.825 –> 00:20:36.665nI never seen them go to work.nn244n00:20:36.665 –> 00:20:44.725nThey always had the nicest of clothes, the best jewelry, prettiest girls, and everybody respected them.nn245n00:20:44.725 –> 00:20:50.949nI figured, “Ooh, that’ll work.” So they ended up, you know, making me their little junior.nn246n00:20:50.949 –> 00:20:52.059n”Hey man, here’s five dollars.nn247n00:20:52.059 –> 00:20:58.149nGo out and treat me.” And I said, “Wow, this is cool.” So they became my heroes, and by this time I’m tricking the winos.nn248n00:20:58.149 –> 00:20:59.189nNot really tricking them, you know.nn249n00:20:59.189 –> 00:21:00.209nWe had a little thing in the hood.nn250n00:21:00.209 –> 00:21:07.849nThe way we used to get drinks underage was we used to tell the winos, “Look man, go in there and get me two f– two, two quarts.” ‘Cause back then we had quarts.nn251n00:21:07.849 –> 00:21:09.789nWe had forties.nn252n00:21:09.789 –> 00:21:11.369nYeah.nn253n00:21:11.369 –> 00:21:17.529nAnd I would send them in there for whatever I needed to drink, and we would buy them a bottle of wine.nn254n00:21:17.529 –> 00:21:18.809nThey’d go get us whatever we want.nn255n00:21:18.809 –> 00:21:23.729nNow, to let y’all know how I know I’m a real alcoholic, this is how I came to realize that.nn256n00:21:23.729 –> 00:21:28.209nAnd I ain’t realize it then, but I know now that that was the day that I became an alcoholic.nn257n00:21:28.209 –> 00:21:37.509nI was fifteen years old, in sophomore year of school, Snyder High School, and me and some buddies got together and we started buying all this liquor.nn258n00:21:37.509 –> 00:21:40.549nYou probably heard me talk about this if you heard one of my tapes.nn259n00:21:40.549 –> 00:21:42.229nI had some time to really get into it.nn260n00:21:42.229 –> 00:21:44.969nAnd what happened was me and some buddies went to the store.nn261n00:21:44.969 –> 00:21:46.649nWe got everything.nn262n00:21:46.649 –> 00:21:49.149nGin, vodka, bourbons, you name it.nn263n00:21:49.149 –> 00:21:49.749nWe had it all.nn264n00:21:49.749 –> 00:21:52.449nBeers, some chemicals.nn265n00:21:52.449 –> 00:21:57.289nAnd we went to the track and, uh, we started to drink.nn266n00:21:57.289 –> 00:22:07.249nAnd I noticed that in the crowd, uh, when I look back at the story and I share it today, I look back at that and I could see how I was different a drinker than they were.nn267n00:22:07.249 –> 00:22:13.189nFor example, there were some people that strictly stayed to the gin.nn268n00:22:13.189 –> 00:22:20.549nThere was another crowd that only wanted to drink beer and have some chemicals.nn269n00:22:20.549 –> 00:22:25.269nAnd then there were some people that would have some beer and some liquor.nn270n00:22:25.269 –> 00:22:26.429nMe?nn271n00:22:26.429 –> 00:22:28.489nGive me a little bit of that.nn272n00:22:28.489 –> 00:22:30.929nYou gonna drink that?nn273n00:22:30.929 –> 00:22:32.869nCan I have a puff of that?nn274n00:22:32.869 –> 00:22:35.129nGive me a few of those, you know.nn275n00:22:35.129 –> 00:22:44.029nAnd what happened was it was a June day and I’m walking down the street in the dead of summer and it’s blazing.nn276n00:22:44.029 –> 00:22:46.769nAnd I don’t know how I got home.nn277n00:22:46.769 –> 00:22:49.529nNow, y’all told me that was a blackout.nn278n00:22:49.529 –> 00:22:51.989nI kinda took that personal.nn279n00:22:51.989 –> 00:23:02.009nI’ma kill- I stumble home, somehow get there,nn280n00:23:02.009 –> 00:23:08.049nand I pass out in the hallway and I found myself laying in my own regurgitation.nn281n00:23:08.049 –> 00:23:13.349nThis is why I’m a, I’m a, I’m a cheerleader for two things, God and AA.nn282n00:23:13.349 –> 00:23:23.609nBecause I was fifteen years old, laying at the bottom of the steps with my head propped up on the bottom step, and if it wasn’t for that step and the positionnn283n00:23:23.609 –> 00:23:27.009nthat I was in, I probably would’ve drowned in my own regurgitation.nn284n00:23:27.009 –> 00:23:32.589nMy mother and my aunt come downstairs and they see me laying at the bottom of the, at the bottom of the step.nn285n00:23:32.589 –> 00:23:36.379nThey get me up out my puke and they get me upstairs.nn286n00:23:36.379 –> 00:23:46.529nThey get me cleaned up and they, you know, they gave me the old, you know, finger motion thingy, and they put me in a little punishment and told me how stupid that was, what I did, and I felt sicknn287n00:23:46.529 –> 00:23:47.169nas a dog.nn288n00:23:47.169 –> 00:23:53.389nBut what I didn’t tell them was I was feeling some things and that the stuff that I was drinking was working.nn289n00:23:53.389 –> 00:23:58.669nAnd that’s why I think I started drinking because of my defective traits.nn290n00:23:58.669 –> 00:24:07.909nBecause I had a lot of emotions going on inside me, and the people that were in my life was ill-equipped to see what I was, where I was headed.nn291n00:24:07.909 –> 00:24:10.709n’Cause most of them were drinking heavily.nn292n00:24:10.709 –> 00:24:17.229nLike it says on page thirty-one, I’m not here to pronounce anybody in this room an alcoholic.nn293n00:24:17.229 –> 00:24:24.049nNow, the only reason I describe my mama as an alcoholic, ’cause my mom used to say when she used to get mad, “Yeah, I’m drunk.nn294n00:24:24.049 –> 00:24:28.069nI don’t care.” I remember saying that.nn295n00:24:28.069 –> 00:24:33.709nSo sometimes you hear me talk about my mother, I say my mother was an alcoholic and a schizophrenic.nn296n00:24:33.709 –> 00:24:43.789nBecause only, you know, most of us drunks when we were drunk and somebody said, “You’ve been drinking?” “Yeah, I was drinking.” We never was afraidnn297n00:24:43.789 –> 00:24:45.189nto tell somebody we were drinking.nn298n00:24:45.189 –> 00:24:48.909nWe didn’t want you to catch us while we were drinking ’cause we didn’t like to be interrupted.nn299n00:24:48.909 –> 00:24:52.569nThe things that …nn300n00:24:52.569 –> 00:24:54.369nI had to think about that one a minute myself.nn301n00:24:54.369 –> 00:24:55.549nThe, the…nn302n00:24:55.549 –> 00:24:58.389nWhere I’m trying to go, and I, I’ma, I’ma start getting into some stuff.nn303n00:24:58.389 –> 00:25:02.369nBetween fifteen and eighteen, that progressed.nn304n00:25:02.369 –> 00:25:09.409nAnd at eighteen years old, in nineteen eighty I was working for an independent soda distributor who gave me my first full-time job.nn305n00:25:09.409 –> 00:25:17.189nAnd at eighteen years old we were delivering some stuff, some soda that day to a bodega that happened to sell liquor and other things.nn306n00:25:17.189 –> 00:25:27.049nAnd I knew inside myself that morning that we were going there and that I could get some alcohol because the guy didn’t mind like slipping me a little shorty in the morning.nn307n00:25:27.049 –> 00:25:31.549nAnd, uh, I’m sitting there and we riding and Nick’s driving.nn308n00:25:31.549 –> 00:25:36.129nHe looks over and he noticed I’m eighteen years old and I got this morning thing going.nn309n00:25:36.129 –> 00:25:38.809nMy hands trembling early in the morning.nn310n00:25:38.809 –> 00:25:40.649nHands are clammy.nn311n00:25:40.649 –> 00:25:41.389nYou know that, that…nn312n00:25:41.389 –> 00:25:43.029nY’all, y’all don’t know?nn313n00:25:43.029 –> 00:25:53.169nY’all kinda quiet.nn314n00:25:53.169 –> 00:26:03.169nNick called me on my stuff and he said, “You look like you need some help.” And in nineteen eighty I wasnn315n00:26:03.169 –> 00:26:04.989nintroduced to AA for the first time.nn316n00:26:04.989 –> 00:26:06.999nNow we speed up.nn317n00:26:06.999 –> 00:26:15.829nFrom nineteen eighty to nineteen ninety-four, I was a cr– what a, most AA peoples call a chronic relapser.nn318n00:26:15.829 –> 00:26:26.089nThat’s why when, when this last time around when people would say, “Just don’t drink and go to meetings,”nn319n00:26:26.089 –> 00:26:29.709nI used to get angry.nn320n00:26:29.709 –> 00:26:39.709n’Cause after you have done it a few times and it has fell short, each time I heard it, it only angered menn321n00:26:39.709 –> 00:26:40.709na little bit more.nn322n00:26:40.709 –> 00:26:50.819nI used to sit in meetings and hear relapsers say, “Oh, it gets tougher each time I come back.” And I would looknn323n00:26:50.819 –> 00:26:53.529nat him and go, “That ain’t what you really wanted to say.nn324n00:26:53.529 –> 00:27:03.529nWhat you really wanted to say is, I came back ’cause I had no place else to go.” I knew y’all was gonna point your finger at me andnn325n00:27:03.529 –> 00:27:13.549nsay, “Did it again, didn’t he?” I had old-timers during my relapsing periods where I used to go up to them and say, “Will you be my sponsor?” They used to look at me and say, “Come backnn326n00:27:13.549 –> 00:27:20.049nwhen you’re serious.” And then they got mad at me when y’all introduced me to this process.nn327n00:27:20.049 –> 00:27:23.209nAny Big Book people in here?nn328n00:27:23.209 –> 00:27:25.379nYeah.nn329n00:27:25.379 –> 00:27:26.929nY’all been to some of the meetings, right?nn330n00:27:26.929 –> 00:27:28.119nYeah.nn331n00:27:28.119 –> 00:27:29.249nAnd I tell you how y’all know.nn332n00:27:29.249 –> 00:27:39.289nRemember when y’all walked in, they went, “Oh, boy.” I seenn333n00:27:39.289 –> 00:27:39.949nBill hand up.nn334n00:27:39.949 –> 00:27:40.609nCome in, Bill.nn335n00:27:40.609 –> 00:27:45.819nGo, go, go, go ahead, Mike.nn336n00:27:45.819 –> 00:27:45.939nGo ahead.nn337n00:27:45.939 –> 00:27:46.629nGo ahead, share.nn338n00:27:46.629 –> 00:27:47.029nGo ahead.nn339n00:27:47.029 –> 00:27:49.668nYou know.nn340n00:27:49.668 –> 00:28:02.349nOr they’ll see your hand up, and they’ll look right at you, and then look at somebody whose hand is down and go, “Would you like to share?” Anybodynn341n00:28:02.349 –> 00:28:03.069nknow about that?nn342n00:28:03.069 –> 00:28:05.279nYeah.nn343n00:28:05.279 –> 00:28:06.909nSo don’t y’all be so quiet.nn344n00:28:06.909 –> 00:28:11.489nBecause if I’m correct, I was told that this was a celebration meeting.nn345n00:28:11.489 –> 00:28:12.979nYeah.nn346n00:28:12.979 –> 00:28:14.089nSo let’s celebrate.nn347n00:28:14.089 –> 00:28:14.699nYeah.nn348n00:28:14.699 –> 00:28:19.149nAnd the reason we celebrate is because I believe God shows up where he’s celebrated.nn349n00:28:19.149 –> 00:28:21.669nHe do.nn350n00:28:21.669 –> 00:28:30.429nFrom that time, I went through a pain that only God could help me with.nn351n00:28:30.429 –> 00:28:32.529nHere we go.nn352n00:28:32.529 –> 00:28:37.209nI got back here this last time, and I was sharing with a gentleman prior to the meeting.nn353n00:28:37.209 –> 00:28:38.649nIf you look at the comments…nn354n00:28:38.649 –> 00:28:40.449nUh, I gotta get this right before I go there.nn355n00:28:40.449 –> 00:28:43.129nThe Big Book is where I work the steps.nn356n00:28:43.129 –> 00:28:46.729nThe Twelve and Twelve is my commentary.nn357n00:28:46.729 –> 00:28:53.829nI work the steps from the book, and I get a little more insight from the Twelve and Twelve.nn358n00:28:53.829 –> 00:28:59.789nBecause how do I apply, since man crush grapes?nn359n00:28:59.789 –> 00:29:08.089nBut I can apply men and women drink essentially because they like the effects.nn360n00:29:08.089 –> 00:29:13.109nAnd if I’m willing to admit that, then I’m on my way.nn361n00:29:13.109 –> 00:29:20.769nSo like it said in the commentary, what helped me was, it tells you in the commentary, give you several different descriptions of how we get here.nn362n00:29:20.769 –> 00:29:21.789nThat’s all it is.nn363n00:29:21.789 –> 00:29:27.129nI was talking to the gentleman earlier, and you know how a lot of times you go into these just don’t drink and go to meeting meetings?nn364n00:29:27.129 –> 00:29:27.959nYeah.nn365n00:29:27.959 –> 00:29:28.939nAnd they look at the steps onnn366n00:29:29.151 –> 00:29:39.171nStart to interpret them and they, and while he’s sharing they go, “And I was looking at the steps on the wall.” And you know, we’re smart butts, us big book people, sonn367n00:29:39.171 –> 00:29:41.711nI’m thinking, that’s what you got, an off the wall program, you know.nn368n00:29:41.711 –> 00:29:52.101nAnd, and, and, and, and, and you know, and a good friend, Howard, used to make me laugh when he used to say, I used to love that, “They say if you use it more than three times, you can claim it.” And, uh-nn369n00:29:52.101 –> 00:29:52.101n…nn370n00:29:52.101 –> 00:30:02.571nand, and they sitting there, and they, and they, and they, they wanna sound real profound, and they want us to feel as if their comment is going to have a certain degree of impactnn371n00:30:02.571 –> 00:30:08.771non me, and they don’t fail to understand that I’m selfish and self-centered, even though I don’t think so.nn372n00:30:08.771 –> 00:30:16.331nI don’t care about what his old purple lip butt talking about, ’cause it don’t make any sense to me, and I’m gonna tell you why.nn373n00:30:16.331 –> 00:30:27.381n’Cause they will look at it and say, “Yeah, when I look up at the wall, I see that, you know, the word that stick out in my first step is we.” Inn374n00:30:27.381 –> 00:30:33.271ngo, “Brilliant.” In my mind, I’m, I’m being honest with y’all.nn375n00:30:33.271 –> 00:30:43.351nYou know, like I said, when I go visit the brothers that carry the message group, like I say to Brother Bill and there’s a few people that know me, when we talk and park a lot, I’ma tell you what I really believe and what I see.nn376n00:30:43.351 –> 00:30:52.471nI don’t come to AA to share my opinion, strength and hope, just my experience, and my experience has been I’ve heard some things that made me scratch my head.nn377n00:30:52.471 –> 00:30:53.891nThat’s why I ain’t got no hair.nn378n00:30:53.891 –> 00:30:58.171nHere’s what happened.nn379n00:30:58.171 –> 00:31:09.251nSo I was sharing with the brother, I was sharing with the brother, and what happened was he, you know, he was telling me about how, you know, like a lot of people look at the word we, and I said, “Do you know why the word we works for me?” Becausenn380n00:31:09.251 –> 00:31:16.111nwhen I look at me and I look at every drunk in this room, I know that every single person in here got their butt whipped by alcohol.nn381n00:31:16.111 –> 00:31:16.621nYeah.nn382n00:31:16.621 –> 00:31:16.721nAmen.nn383n00:31:16.721 –> 00:31:26.971nSo when I start talking about what booze did to me, it’d be no more different than when I was five, six years oldnn384n00:31:26.971 –> 00:31:29.891nand we all was a group of people who had the bully take our nickel.nn385n00:31:29.891 –> 00:31:42.021n”We, meet me over at the seesaw.” “He took your nickel this morning, too?” Andnn386n00:31:42.021 –> 00:31:52.051nthe first one of us that get a message that tells us we no longer have to allow him to take our nickel anymore, meet me over atnn387n00:31:52.051 –> 00:31:52.731nthe swings.nn388n00:31:52.731 –> 00:31:58.571nI found out that you ain’t gotta let him take your nickel no more.nn389n00:31:58.571 –> 00:32:02.831nYou ain’t gotta let booze kill you.nn390n00:32:02.831 –> 00:32:05.511nYou don’t have to.nn391n00:32:05.511 –> 00:32:07.211nHow do I know?nn392n00:32:07.211 –> 00:32:14.410nBecause when you read the doctor’s opinion towards the end, they tell you about a man that he saw, and he said he couldn’t recognize him.nn393n00:32:14.410 –> 00:32:18.831nHe looks familiar, and there he was, beaming over with confidence.nn394n00:32:18.831 –> 00:32:26.111nSo when us big books people walk into a meeting, they go look at him, “That’s cocky.” Yeah.nn395n00:32:26.111 –> 00:32:28.811n”Ah.nn396n00:32:28.811 –> 00:32:32.291nAh.” And I get that feeling inside.nn397n00:32:32.291 –> 00:32:33.771nWould you like a drink?nn398n00:32:33.771 –> 00:32:40.911nI know you would feel better, but they don’t wanna drink, and we know that that’s true.nn399n00:32:40.911 –> 00:32:41.691nHow do we know that?nn400n00:32:41.691 –> 00:32:45.871nWe have an example of more about alcoholism, of a man being sober for twenty-five years or more.nn401n00:32:45.871 –> 00:32:49.311nAnd he, and willpower, we always have willpower.nn402n00:32:49.311 –> 00:32:57.771nYou know how much willpower it takes to take a drink in the morning and feel like you wanna regurgitate it and grab your own mouth to keep some drink from, from, from letting go?nn403n00:32:57.771 –> 00:33:00.491nI used to hold my booze down.nn404n00:33:00.491 –> 00:33:11.011nYou know what kind of willpower it take to go And not do it once, again and againnn405n00:33:11.011 –> 00:33:15.130nand again, till I can experience a psychic change.nn406n00:33:15.130 –> 00:33:19.591nBill didn’t say until I experience a physical change.nn407n00:33:19.591 –> 00:33:21.671nHe said a psychic one.nn408n00:33:21.671 –> 00:33:23.671nMy mind changed.nn409n00:33:23.671 –> 00:33:29.001nI sit in meetings, I hear people say, I, Bill, Bill, Bill…nn410n00:33:29.001 –> 00:33:35.130nI love the fact that he introduced us the idea that the mental obsession was the one thing that we fought the most.nn411n00:33:35.130 –> 00:33:36.251nI got a new obsession.nn412n00:33:36.251 –> 00:33:38.651nIt’s called AA program.nn413n00:33:38.651 –> 00:33:43.131nI’m obsessed with it, to the point that some people don’t like me.nn414n00:33:43.131 –> 00:33:46.171nThere he go again.nn415n00:33:46.171 –> 00:33:51.531nThat’s fine, but for a long time I let that discourage me.nn416n00:33:51.531 –> 00:33:59.391nNow I know I ain’t got much time, but like I told y’all, I didn’t have enough time to, to talk about every little single episode that happened in my life.nn417n00:33:59.391 –> 00:34:03.461nBut I do have enough time to tell you how excited I am about AA.nn418n00:34:03.461 –> 00:34:04.491nThat’s right.nn419n00:34:04.491 –> 00:34:12.731nI’m so excited about AA, I got in my truck and drove from Middlesex County to come and hang out with a bunch of drunk.nn420n00:34:12.731 –> 00:34:22.770nNow you got people that might ask us in the normal world, “You goingnn421n00:34:22.771 –> 00:34:32.791nwhere?” “For what?” “Just to tell them I don’t drink no more.” “Why can’tnn422n00:34:32.791 –> 00:34:38.071nthey come to you?” I don’t know.nn423n00:34:38.071 –> 00:34:43.011nBut I do know, I do know I have a desire to be where you at.nn424n00:34:43.011 –> 00:34:45.831nEspecially you thumpers.nn425n00:34:45.831 –> 00:34:50.491nI like to always talk about the lady who one time said, “You know what?nn426n00:34:50.491 –> 00:35:04.571nYou’re a big book Nazi.” And I looked at her and said, “I’m not where Hitler had his meetings.” Inn427n00:35:04.571 –> 00:35:14.681nhad an old-timer walk up to me one time, he said, “With that attitude you got, you’ll never see 30 years like me.” I said, “Hell, when I get 30 years, your old butt won’tnn428n00:35:14.681 –> 00:35:20.171nbe around here to see it anyway.” Had one poke me in the chest.nn429n00:35:20.171 –> 00:35:35.451n”I spit more than you ever drank.” I said, “Well, if you’d have drank the rather than spit, you’d have got your old butt here sooner.”nn430n00:35:35.451 –> 00:35:36.771nWhy do I share that with y’all?nn431n00:35:36.771 –> 00:35:40.351nI’m gonna tell you why I share it.nn432n00:35:40.351 –> 00:35:43.711nAre you happy?nn433n00:35:43.711 –> 00:35:45.251nYes.nn434n00:35:45.251 –> 00:35:46.651nAre you joyous?nn435n00:35:46.651 –> 00:35:47.481nYes.nn436n00:35:47.481 –> 00:35:50.611nAnd can the Big Book twelve step people say they free?nn437n00:35:50.611 –> 00:35:51.871nYes.nn438n00:35:51.871 –> 00:35:52.431nI’m free.nn439n00:35:52.431 –> 00:35:53.301nI owe you nothing.nn440n00:35:53.301 –> 00:35:56.731nI owe anybody any money?nn441n00:35:56.731 –> 00:35:57.121nNo.nn442n00:35:57.121 –> 00:36:05.311nAnd if I do, I don’t know if I give to you right.nn443n00:36:05.311 –> 00:36:07.141nMy sponsor fixed that though.nn444n00:36:07.141 –> 00:36:13.071nThe reason I say that, and the reason I’m talking about that is because we take a beating.nn445n00:36:13.071 –> 00:36:23.091nI was one of those early jokers back about ten years ago when people like us would talk and, and we almost felt like we wasn’t allowed to go tonn446n00:36:23.091 –> 00:36:28.291nthat meeting anymore, and we, we, we thirst and hungered for what we have tonight.nn447n00:36:28.291 –> 00:36:38.611nWe’re popular now because of good men and women like yourselves, like, like Danford, Mysha, and my old mentor,nn448n00:36:38.611 –> 00:36:41.991nNelson, who passed away, and a few other people I know like them.nn449n00:36:41.991 –> 00:36:52.011nThe ones that kept coming to the meeting every week that said, “You can find the message in the first one hundred and sixty-four pages ofnn450n00:36:52.011 –> 00:36:57.731nthe Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.” And you have some puke next to you talking about, “Don’t listen to him.nn451n00:36:57.731 –> 00:36:59.551nHe don’t know what he talking about.nn452n00:36:59.551 –> 00:37:06.471nAll you got to do is just let it go.” I wanted to really let it go, you know what I mean?nn453n00:37:06.471 –> 00:37:08.511nBecause I needed more.nn454n00:37:08.511 –> 00:37:13.311nI was physically powerless over alcohol.nn455n00:37:13.311 –> 00:37:21.651nI suffered from a mental obsession that placed me in a dilemma, and therefore I lacked the power to believe that there was something different.nn456n00:37:21.651 –> 00:37:30.271nRoland Hazzard was given that example when he was told about a few people who may be able to give him the experience that he needed.nn457n00:37:30.271 –> 00:37:32.451nOur solution is simple.nn458n00:37:32.451 –> 00:37:42.071nIt is no more than a spiritual experience or a spiritual awakening, and our more religious members like myself call it a God consciousness.nn459n00:37:42.071 –> 00:37:43.291nYes.nn460n00:37:43.291 –> 00:37:53.531nAnd I got mine over the educated variety, though as an African American descent growing up in a Judeo-Christian charismatic atmosphere, I never had a problem with God.nn461n00:37:53.531 –> 00:37:56.191nNever had a problem with God.nn462n00:37:56.191 –> 00:37:58.131nI just figured He couldn’t catch me.nn463n00:37:58.131 –> 00:38:05.651nSome more of my Catholicized friends might have been fearful they were gonna die and go to hell if the nun hit them a little too hard.nn464n00:38:05.651 –> 00:38:12.391nBut whatever reason I failed to come to believe, at some point I did because of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.nn465n00:38:12.391 –> 00:38:17.271nThe Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous told me on page fifty-two that I, I was full of fear.nn466n00:38:17.271 –> 00:38:18.231nI couldn’t make a living.nn467n00:38:18.231 –> 00:38:20.971nI couldn’t even control my own emotional nature.nn468n00:38:20.971 –> 00:38:25.871nYou know, they talked about I suffer from things called bedevilments and stuff like that.nn469n00:38:25.871 –> 00:38:35.891nAnd then I come to realize that if I was willing to turn my thinking and the way that I was living, which is I made a decision to turn my will, which is my thinking and my life over to the care of God,nn470n00:38:35.891 –> 00:38:37.591nmeaning the way that I live day by day.nn471n00:38:37.591 –> 00:38:44.991nAnd today, I became a conducive and productive member of the community by which I live in and the community by which I hang in.nn472n00:38:44.991 –> 00:38:48.251nAnd like my brother said earlier, I, too, am a homeowner.nn473n00:38:48.251 –> 00:38:52.411nAnd I suffered from pure dereliction.nn474n00:38:52.411 –> 00:38:54.391nI was homeless for a long time.nn475n00:38:54.391 –> 00:38:59.121nGod is good, not just on Mondays and Tuesdays either.nn476n00:38:59.121 –> 00:39:09.171nThe fourth step gave me an opportunity to take a look at myself, but it was only a look ’cause Bill told me in, in action that, that, thatnn477n00:39:09.171 –> 00:39:18.331nwritten self-appraisal would be insufficient without me making that next step, which was the confession of what I just wrote, and to tell you the exact nature of the wrong.nn478n00:39:18.331 –> 00:39:23.011nMy defective character has not always had to stay the same.nn479n00:39:23.011 –> 00:39:24.450nI got new defects now.nn480n00:39:24.450 –> 00:39:25.931nI do.nn481n00:39:25.931 –> 00:39:35.691nMy old defects was I used to be envious, jealous, mad, angry, and frustrated at those developing in a progressive manner outside of me.nn482n00:39:35.691 –> 00:39:44.611nToday, my defective trait says, “Please don’t take away from me what I got,” which we know that’s my chief activator.nn483n00:39:44.611 –> 00:39:50.731nSo I have to humbly ask God to remove that kind of stuff from me, and I can’t hold back nothing.nn484n00:39:50.731 –> 00:39:55.211nI can’t hold back the fact that, God, I’m living better than I ever lived in my entire life.nn485n00:39:55.211 –> 00:39:56.871nPlease don’t let me lose this.nn486n00:39:56.871 –> 00:40:02.111nI love coming home to a woman that love me and kids that almost respect me.nn487n00:40:02.111 –> 00:40:10.151nAnd the reason I say almost is ’cause if y’all is anything like I, like I am, y’all know we on a long road.nn488n00:40:10.151 –> 00:40:10.201nYes, sir.nn489n00:40:10.201 –> 00:40:18.990nBig Book people know that ’cause the family afterwards said the family feels as if they have a mortgage on dad, and I like to say, and mom.nn490n00:40:18.990 –> 00:40:24.791nBut he tell us, it’s okay to keep your head in the clouds with Him, but keep your feet firmly planted on the ground.nn491n00:40:24.791 –> 00:40:26.831nY’all know the program works.nn492n00:40:26.831 –> 00:40:27.551nThat’s right.nn493n00:40:27.551 –> 00:40:36.471nAnd the bottom line is, is now that we’re popular, don’t let ourselves be like Bill was and Bob had to remind Bill, let’s stay away from the Freudians things.nn494n00:40:36.471 –> 00:40:37.831nLet’s keep it simple.nn495n00:40:37.831 –> 00:40:39.191nIt works.nn496n00:40:39.191 –> 00:40:40.571nIt really does.nn497n00:40:40.571 –> 00:40:42.611nWhat works?nn498n00:40:42.611 –> 00:40:43.611nOpen your book.nn499n00:40:43.611 –> 00:40:45.251nLet’s start and you’ll find out.nn500n00:40:45.251 –> 00:40:51.651nI got a result as the steps was unfolded to me in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, a result.nn501n00:40:51.651 –> 00:40:54.171nAll my life, I got hope out of people.nn502n00:40:54.171 –> 00:40:57.711nEvery time I came in here amongst you, you gave me hope.nn503n00:40:57.711 –> 00:41:04.111nBut a sponsor taking me through the steps allowed me to have an opportunity where I got results.nn504n00:41:04.111 –> 00:41:14.111nI had an opportunity to have a man from this group call me and ask me to do something that our service manual said it was okay to do, to allow me the opportunity to come andnn505n00:41:14.111 –> 00:41:15.011nparticipate.nn506n00:41:15.011 –> 00:41:19.091nThere was times I wasn’t even allowed to participate at dinner with the family.nn507n00:41:19.091 –> 00:41:20.421nThat’s right.nn508n00:41:20.421 –> 00:41:25.141nAnd then I have a few strangers ask me to come and partake of a celebration with them.nn509n00:41:25.141 –> 00:41:28.391nMan, I’m excited about this thing.nn510n00:41:28.391 –> 00:41:34.811nSo, you know, in closing, I just wanna tell everybody, you know, don’t be afraid just, just to walk and stand firm.nn511n00:41:34.811 –> 00:41:44.591nThe book told us there’s some wrongs we can never fully make right And nowadays it might not be the past stuff that we dealt with because if you work these steps, you made some amends.nn512n00:41:44.591 –> 00:41:46.011nYou took look at yourself.nn513n00:41:46.011 –> 00:41:49.651nYou know that the tenth step ain’t a go to bed step, it’s a walk around step.nn514n00:41:49.651 –> 00:41:55.310nYou know, you got people telling people in meetings, man, the tenth step, you deal with that at night when you go home.nn515n00:41:55.310 –> 00:41:56.671nThe eleventh step is like that.nn516n00:41:56.671 –> 00:42:01.291nI go to bed at night with the eleventh step and think about how constructive I could be the next day.nn517n00:42:01.291 –> 00:42:11.291nMy tenth step says, “Prop, I can’t kick you in the shin and wait three days to decide, oh, I was wrong for kicking him in the shin.” Thatnn518n00:42:11.291 –> 00:42:12.011nain’t Prop.nn519n00:42:12.011 –> 00:42:13.731nThat’s a procrastinator.nn520n00:42:13.731 –> 00:42:20.171nBill said, “How can we talk prudence when we practice evasion?” I stopped practicing evasion.nn521n00:42:20.171 –> 00:42:22.891nThere ain’t nothing wrong with people that love the big book.nn522n00:42:22.891 –> 00:42:26.131nThere ain’t nothing wrong with people that believe in sponsorship.nn523n00:42:26.131 –> 00:42:32.611nThere ain’t nothing wrong with people that believe that a twelve-step call don’t mean that somebody gotta die while others live.nn524n00:42:32.611 –> 00:42:35.051nHow can you twelve-step a corpse?nn525n00:42:35.051 –> 00:42:37.751nThis a serious thing.nn526n00:42:37.751 –> 00:42:44.471nAs I always like to say when I close my mouth or get about to close my mouth, because we gonna probably hold a few of y’all hostage.nn527n00:42:44.471 –> 00:42:51.951nBut the truth of the matter is, if I have said or done or behaved in a manner tonight which is unacceptable, I ask your forgiveness.nn528n00:42:51.951 –> 00:43:00.711nAnd the reason that I do that at the end of my sharing is because I’m just a human being who can have human moments that will express themselves according to how I feel.nn529n00:43:00.711 –> 00:43:02.351nI’m real excited.nn530n00:43:02.351 –> 00:43:04.691nY’all made me excited.nn531n00:43:04.691 –> 00:43:09.951nDo you know what it takes to drive from Middlesex County in the rain to get to Bergen County?nn532n00:43:09.951 –> 00:43:13.190nAnd I even have proper directions.nn533n00:43:13.190 –> 00:43:16.831nBut here’s the kicker.nn534n00:43:16.831 –> 00:43:26.851nSuddenly, God did for me what I could not do for myself, and he gave me a brother in recovery that had visited this meeting before, and on the way here he said,nn535n00:43:26.851 –> 00:43:32.351n”Meet me here and you can follow me in.” So suddenly God did for me what I couldn’t do for myself.nn536n00:43:32.351 –> 00:43:34.111nHey, guys, it’s in the book.nn537n00:43:34.111 –> 00:43:35.231nIt’s in the steps.nn538n00:43:35.231 –> 00:43:39.911nAnd as Bill says, may the good Lord keep you and bless you till the next time we meet.nn539n00:43:39.911 –> 00:43:40.691nMy name is Jason.nn540n00:43:40.691 –> 00:43:41.571nI’m a grateful drunk.nn541n00:43:41.571 –> 00:43:57.061nUh,nn542n00:43:57.061 –> 00:44:06.531nwanna thank everybody for coming tonight and just, uh, briefly real quick, um, there’s a Ford, um, station wagon parked at the end of the street.nn543n00:44:06.531 –> 00:44:10.531nThe police said they’re gonna have to tow itnn”;

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