Audio
About this recording
- Topic
- Big Book Study Disc 1 Scottsdale Arizona
- Speaker
- Debbie D. and Kent D
- Date
- 2017-03-31
Transcript
Source: Debbie D. and Kent D – Big Book Study Disc 1 Scottsdale Arizona – 2017-03-31.mp3 File: debbie-d-and-kent-d-big-book-study-disc-1-scottsdale-arizona-2017-03-31.mp3 Duration: 01:15:07
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Yeah. Hi, everybody. I'm Debbie Davis, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everyone. My name is Kent Davis, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Kent. And we are so happy to be here. Thank you, TAB, for making all this happen and the invitation. We're very excited. And we want to just kind of—many of you are probably involved with book studies and have been through the Big Book and so forth. And there's a lot of wonderful CDs out there and so forth.
And speaking of CDs, this is being recorded this weekend, so be sure to see our magic man, Taper, over there to get a set. There'll be seven CDs, and you can pick them up at the end of tomorrow night. And so there's lots to be done, and everybody—I love listening to them because everybody has kind of a different way of sharing their experience. What we're going to do, though, is we're not going to do Big Book history.
We're not going to do Big Book trivia. What we're going to do is, to me, the Big Book is really a book of life, a book of how do I live, set in a way that gave words to thoughts or feelings I had. And when I read them, it was like, Yeah, that's it. That's it. Yeah, okay. And it started to clarify things, still clarifies things for me today. And what we have seen over the years is an evolvement. So my sobriety date is February the 8th, 1976, which means I've been walking with you for 41 years. It also means I got sober young, which, it's kind of cool to be 41 years sober and 39 years old.
You know, just pretty good math on that one, I'd say. But when I got sober, we find today, and I'd say the last 25 years, it's grown actively, where a sponsor sits with you, knee to knee, eyeball to eyeball, and you walk and read through the Big Book. Well, that hasn't always been the way it has been everywhere around the country. I love that we've evolved to that, but that wasn't how it always was.
I've had three sponsors, and none of them were taken through the steps in that manner, and therefore, they didn't take you through the steps in that manner. It was, Here's the book, read it, we'll talk about it. And so how I've come to sponsor is the way I always wanted to be sponsored, which is I do sit, you know, we have kind of a formula that we do about walking through the steps in the Big Book, and I have something a little different when it's someone I sponsor who lives out of my area and we are kind of limited to phone work. So I have that experience.
So I'm not sponsoring the way I've been sponsored. It doesn't make anybody right or wrong, good or bad, left or right. It's just how that was then and what we've evolved to now. So we're going to be coming from our experience. And as you know, you can spend a whole meeting on a paragraph or a sentence, if you like, depending upon what the sentence is. We're not going to do that. We don't have the time, nor do you.
And so we're going to kind of move through them rather quickly. Our focus is to go through the first three steps tonight and close with the third step prayer. As we go through this, think about maybe there is a topic. Maybe there's something you're struggling with tonight. Maybe it's a personality. Maybe it's a situation. Many times I have, of course, initially it was about my alcoholism that I was applying the steps. But there become times later on in my recovery where there was just this nagging something.
Maybe it's a resentment about somebody or situation I can't control. I cannot seem to pray it away. So instead of jumping into an inventory, I took step one on it, then step two, then three. Then I was prepared to write that inventory. It's been spiritually set up. So maybe there's a topic you're struggling with. As we walk through these, think about each of those steps applying to that, and let's see where it might go for you. So with that, I'll pass it over to Kent for the next thing. That's very nice.
Anyway, thank you very much. I just think that's cool.
[00:05:04]
We have both been active in service our entire sobriety. I got sober—I was a little over 18. I was really 46 when I got sober. I got sober 8-8-88. I didn't have one of those. SAGS in my sobriety, so I've been actively involved since that time. Debbie and I got together 16 years, 17 years ago, and we had a whole lot of fun, or at least I did, in quizzing her about her philosophy about this and that and so on.
And it turns out that we grew up in two different parts of the country, and of course I assumed that she wouldn't be thinking like I am, but our philosophy is so close to being identical, it's frightening. But the weird part is the way we actually manifest that with those we sponsor is totally different. One of the things that we've both been exposed to is a lot of people's Big Book studies, or because we do a lot of conferences and we hear a lot of ways other people have done it, and from that we've continued to adapt and change.
So what you're going to hear tonight is where we are tonight. But if we do it again, it'll be where, you know, we will have transformed even from this event. So what we're really trying to say is the two of us want to share what it is that we do with the Big Book in our life. So it's a way of living that we have practiced, which according to the Twelve and Twelve, relieves the obsession to drink and enables the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. I mean, that's really what is—we are the example that that has actually occurred.
My, but my sponsors didn't literally take me through the Big Book. My first sponsor was the one that took me through the steps, and I guided him in that sense because he said that for two years of his sobriety, they didn't even see a Big Book. And in fact, for the first 20 years of his sobriety, there was nothing mentioned about a Big Book study or anything of that nature. So the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has morphed into what it is today.
And my best friend, when I got sober, was 41 years sober when I met her, and I kept asking her, What's different about the program today? What is it that's better today than it was, or what was better about the program when you came in in 1944? And Nancy always said the same thing over and over again, Kent, nothing was better then. Everything is better today. And we attribute that to a growing understanding of the application of this in a way that is functional, in a way that we do that.
Between us, we've sponsored hundreds of people. Debbie will sponsor in a way—the way I describe it, you put Debbie up in front of a room and she just touches the hearts of everybody. Me, I want to go in the back of the room and sit down with a guy and get into the book. And so I am, I'll go as far and as deep and as long, or take as whatever you want to do, and we'll apply this in every single conceivable way you can imagine. And Debbie is more like, well, she'll do like 50 sponsees. It's hard to take, you know, an hour a week with them because can't do that. But I can do that with a sponsee.
So the result is we have grown as a result of knowing each other and experiencing what each other does. But we still clearly have our own way of doing it. And that alone is just a joy. It's like you'll have to find your way and whatever works for you. And it's not—there isn't one way to do the steps. And if you hear anybody say that, it's, you know, take exception to it because there is, you know, it just was not produced in that way.
If there was, we'd still be doing the same thing that we did when the book was written, and we're not doing that. So,
[00:10:03]
oh, and I don't know about your book, but my book keeps adding things in there because really it was not—I did, I was the other way down here and I was reading something about this guy was holed up in a barn and he was drinking so desperate to die. And I'm thinking, when did they put that one in there? Because I don't remember that before, but it's in the book. And he was rescued and brought to this guy.
Anyway, so also I like to go through the book and when I'm working with somebody, I'll ask them to— Highlight those things that they would like, that they think are important, or that they identify and relate to. I want them to, because I then tell them we're going to talk about what it is that you've highlighted. Well, maybe a couple that I've got in there that they forgot to, but we're going to address those things that they identify and relate to.
And the reason I ask them to do that is I want them to get a program that is a part of their life and living. I'd like them to develop a way of incorporating this, what's in the book, into their life. So, in my own book, I have, I put in there, you know, information or instruction, and I put a little I just for myself, because this is new information to me, or it was when I first read it, or this is an instruction that I need to pay attention to. And then some of those things I feel are so vital, I want to somehow make them more important, and I actually put a V in there as vitally important.
And usually the things that are squiggly writing are the things that are, you know, typically in that category of, you know, vital, you know. So, and then the other is I put my experience. You know, I have experienced what it's like when it says pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I have an experience I can share with you about what that is in my life. And I'm asking the people I sponsor to do that same thing.
We're curious a little bit to know about who has been taken through the book. Can I just see a show of hands who has actually been taken through the book? That's great. And can I see a show of hands of those people who sponsor others? Wow. So when I got sober, that would not have happened. Just so you know, I got sober 28 years ago. That would never have—maybe one or two people, three people would have said they sponsored others, but it was just not a common thing.
A lot of meetings, sobriety. How about the people who are here less than 30 days sober? All right. Yay! With less than a year? All right. Wonderful. Super. More than a year and less than five years? Great. All right. Love it. More than five but less than 10? Yeah. Awesome. More than 10 but less than 20? Wow. Excellent. What a nice distribution. More than 20? Oh my God. Yay! So my—so it's obvious what you are is an active part of Alcoholics Anonymous, to be in this kind of environment. is my heart's desire.
I mean, I want to be with people like you who take this stuff serious and do this as a way of life. So we're going to have the opportunity to just do a little bit of that. I'm going to pass the mic back to Debbie. Thanks, Kent, and welcome, everybody. That was exciting to see how many people of all the different age groups, because again, we love being with the activists. He mentioned a phrase in the book.
I don't know about you, but so many times. I don't know about you, but so many times I've heard the statement, Well, it's in
[00:15:03]
the book that says… I don't know about you, but I'm thinking, I'm not sure where in the book that is. That sounds a little wild. My guide on that for myself is if I cannot tell you what page it's on, I shouldn't be tossing out in the book. Know where it is. Be able to find it, because otherwise what happens is a statement like that gives—it's like it gives credence to what I'm saying, even though it has no relationship to anything. It's just a justification.
So, just a little encouragement too: if you're going to say it, know where it is. So we're going to just start at the beginning. So, you know, we talk about the white page. So I don't actually have a white page in my book. I got my first Big Book when I was in the treatment center. It was a second edition, and about two years later, I was on a 12-step call, tried to do the perfect 12-step call, left my Big Book for that person, and when I went to go take them to a meeting the next day, the person was gone and so was the Big Book. So I decided at that point, next time I'm bringing them their own Big Book.
They don't get to borrow mine. And so I've had my book since 1978, and I hope yours is too, falling apart, well dog-eared. That's a well-loved, well-read book. And some years ago, I heard, If your book is falling apart, your life probably is not. So that's a pretty good guide. So again, we're not going to page by page. We're going to also incorporate sharing our experience with you, how we walk others through the 12 steps. So in my particular way of doing it, we start with the preface. I really believe, whether the person is brand new sober or coming to me with a few decades of sobriety, I really feel how key it is that we walk through our history, to have an appreciation for the men and women who came before us. Because when we arrived here, unless there's someone here sober before 1962, there may be.
Is there anybody here sober before 1962? Okay. All three legacies were in place for us. All the work was done. So the question becomes, how will I preserve that for the two people that are here in their first 30 days? That becomes my responsibility as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I like to share with them, how did we get started? Where do we come from? The signs of that time. So what I do is, because I want that sponsee to have hands-on, touching their book, in addition to when we are going through it, what we do, or what I do, is I give them little reading assignments.
And then when we talk, we have a half hour time set aside, and it's focused only on the book work we're doing. No upcoming chit-chat, and I just want to catch you up to date. No, that's for another time. This is just focusing on our book reading. I want you to do what Kent was implying and saying. What did you identify with? What did you have questions about, maybe? And I'll share what stands out for me, so they begin to have a hands-on, this is your go-to piece of literature.
And so the little reading assignments I give them is the preface and the foreword to first edition. There's no the in it. Foreword to first edition. I like pointing out, again, that now most everybody's working out of a fourth edition, but in the foreword to first edition, it—how many, you know, here was the launching pad of this book, simply called Foreword when it was first come out, because they didn't have to identify which edition.
It was just, it was the only edition. But they launched out to explain to the world what this book is about, their experience, what they had found. And little did we know that this writing would be filled with a great majority of the spirit of our traditions that would come seven years later.
[00:20:00]
Nobody's thinking that we're going to last that long, or thinking in that sense, but they're already—the spirit of our traditions are in that writing to foreword to first edition. Then their second reading assignment is the second edition, which really shows the massive growth we went through, the history, the changes. Then their next reading assignment is foreword to third and foreword to fourth. And so once again, now we're bringing it closer and closer and closer.
Their next reading assignment becomes The Doctor's Opinion split in half. But at this point, we're going to share a little bit of our experience and what, in The Doctor's Opinion, has really stood out for Kent and I. For myself, in The Doctor's Opinion, I love reading this. Some years ago, there was a fella who is a doctor, was an ER doctor in New York City, and also came out to the West Coast and had done a lot of research on Dr.
Silkworth. And he began to talk about Dr. Silkworth. This was like a three-hour video, and I'm thinking, okay, you know, I'll give it a whirl. Oh my God, I was so fascinated. First of all, he was a wonderful storyteller and explained a lot of things in English layman's terms, grade level 101 for people like myself. And he brought to life a real 3D of Dr. Silkworth, the writing from this particular chapter, from Dr.
Silkworth's eyes and how he was—just many of you know—just, he wrote so beautifully. While it's called The Doctor's Opinion, I almost think it should be subtitled The Doctor's Experience, because that's so what he's coming from in having worked with thousands of us prior to Bill Wilson's arrival in his life. He had seen us, but missed the magic component, which was the spiritual component slash the going out to help others.
And so, when I read the doctor's opinion, again, we're not going to go through all of this, but I think the first thing that really stood out for me was, if you're in the fourth edition on XXV, iii, which is Roman numeral 28, and he talks about the allergy, the phenomenon of craving, and that he states real clearly that these allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all. And I take that very seriously.
That to me means I don't have wine sauce with my meals. I don't drink near beer. I don't smoke near pot. I don't drink speed, you know, known as super high powerful energy drinks by the gallon. I don't do those kinds of things because I do what he says at the bottom, is that men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. Bingo. That was me. I took my first drink when I was 12 years old.
My parents are not alcoholic, and I was an only child. I'd been invited by the cool kids in school, and I desperately wanted to be a part of that group. He describes in here the mental obsession and the phenomenon of craving, the allergy. Of course, I don't know anything about these things. And that Friday morning, I woke up with good ideals in spot number one in my mind. And the second thought was, I'm going to get drunk tonight.
Now, I don't know how you even get drunk, but by gosh, I'm going to do it because this is like my debut into being accepted by these kids. So I've already got the mental obsession going on and I don't even know it. We arrive at that party. Like many of you, I remember my first night of drinking and my first drunk, and they're passing around a bottle in a brown paper bag. And when it gets to me, I take a big old pull off of that bottle and I hand it to the next guy. Now, I was not prepared for what that was going to taste like, okay? I mean, it just ripped out my throat.
But there's this weird kind of thinking that come up behind that thought, and that was, Don't worry about it. You can always get another throat. Just keep going for it, right?
[00:25:02]
Don't worry. It's going to be fine. And when it went down that first time, there was this warm glow, that three inches behind my belly button spot. And I'm 12 years old and I'm thinking, oatmeal has never done this for me. You know, I don't know what's in there, but I want some more. Now, before I even took the first drink, there was a mental confirmation there would be a second and more till I got drunk.
I don't even know what it's going to taste like, feel like, but I've already, before drink number one, I'm going to get drunk. I want more of this. It comes around again. I take another pull off that bottle, gave it to the next guy. Now my throat's a little seasoned now, so it doesn't affect me so much or feel so bad. But when it went down the second time, This is the effect produced by alcohol. Actually, it was the first effect that launched into the second effect, which was I went from drink number one, please accept me, to drink number two, Aren't you glad I'm here?
You know? Bam to bam. How do you get there? Booze was the factor, and by golly, I loved, darling, the effect produced by alcohol. I no longer needed your approval. In the treatment center, when I saw that statement, that could have been shown to me night number one of drinking. I wouldn't have known what you were talking about, but that came alive that night. I would go on to think that I cannot differentiate the true from the false, and I knew that because from that day I started lying, and I believed the lies that I no longer could differentiate the true from the false.
I was not restless, irritable, and discontented prior to that first drink. We've heard many people, I can't stand to be in my own skin. I felt like I dropped off from another planet. I did not feel like that, but Saturday morning, I did. When I took that first drink, I lit up alcoholism in my life, the mental obsession and the phenomenon of craving. I did not know that I could not stop. I just looked at it as I didn't want to stop.
That was the justification. That. I also experienced what we call, and what we read on page, again, Roman numeral XXIX, he talks three times on that page of the words psychic change. That is what I had on February 7th, 1976. I had visited you for 10 months. I went, after treatment, I was sent to an all-women's halfway house. I went to one AA meeting a month. That's all I needed to go to, according to their rules.
I relapsed again, for the first time for a week and a half. I had the attitude of, I've learned my lesson, and I ramped up my meetings from one a month to one a week. Sounded like a lot of meetings to me. And so, but I did nothing else. I saw, from the first time I met you, I looked at all of our differences. And I got a letter in the mail on that Friday that had one joint in it, and I decided to keep that because, well, you just never know when you might need something like that, you know.
It was pretty shocking. I needed it the next day, as it turned out. So, wow, what timing, right? Yeah. Once again, we talk in Chapter Three, I had no defense against the first drink, and I call this my driest martini. And I smoked that one joint, and for me, that is when I hit that bottom on the inside. And the psychic change is what I experienced. It wasn't the result of my life blowing up in front of me or a horrific situation. It was this shift from my head to my gut, to my innermost self that we talk in chapter three about.
The psychic change in simple form for me. In simple form for me was, as I said, I found all the differences between me
[00:30:00]
and you. And when I had my first real life, zero level, as zeroed out as I could possibly be ever in my life before that, post experience that evening, like being in a fog which you cannot fan it away, you can't go and make room. The only thing that makes that fog go away is the sunlight of the spirit. And that night, that fog that encapsulated me began to dissipate. And my one degree change in my journey here was when I committed to Alcoholics Anonymous.
And that to me is my definition of that psychic change that happened. When he mentions about on 29, unless this person can experience an entire psychic change, well, there's very little hope of his recovery. And then, once a psychic change has occurred, that very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol.
The only effort being necessary, that required to follow a few simple rules. And I took to them as the steps. And further down a little bit, he goes, one feels that something more than human power is needed. To produce the essential psychic change. And that for me was that surrender, that I don't want to keep living this more if this is the way it's going to be. And that for me was that psychic change.
Very powerful to me. So with that, I will, again, we could go through every line, every paragraph, but we're just going to, for time's sake, do some of our highlights on each of these chapters. In my sobriety, I've had four sponsors, and my third sponsor—no, second sponsor—introduced me to the idea that he didn't know who I was. I needed another sponsor. I went to visit him. He was from North Carolina.
I met him in Ogden, Utah, in an airport, and I'm looking for a sponsor, and I'm thinking this is the best choice, sitting right in front of me. And he takes two hours of quizzing me about all sorts of things. I mean, he asked me about my family. He asked me what problems I've dealt with before I got sober. He asked me what problems I've dealt with since I got sober, what was my sponsor life, what kind of step work and service.
I mean, he went on for two hours, and four different times during that two-hour time, I'm thinking—well, I actually said to him, Well, if it's not you, then who? Because I need a sponsor, so I'm failing this test. And he walks off and says he's going to the bathroom, but he's gone way too long to be going to the bathroom. And when he comes back, you know, he doesn't say, Okay, I'll be your sponsor.
He just simply says, So we have a couple things we need to address, like what kind of, how are we going to communicate, and how often, and we've got to figure out a solution to those kind of problems. And later on, I found out that that same man took the time after the interview with me in the bathroom to pray. And his prayer was—he was 48 years sober at the time, so you would think that he wouldn't have to spend that much time.
I mean, he should be. But he did his due diligence before he entered into a spiritual contract that was a serious kind of decision. And he emphasized to me that I don't have to work with everybody that asks me. In fact, I don't have to continue to work with those people that I am not comfortable with because they somehow—I think that I'm failing them, or they could do a better job maybe with somebody else, or it's just not flowing as well as—the way I describe it, actually, is like if you're on
[00:35:02]
fire for this program, you got me. I mean, I'm with you, because I need that kind of enthusiasm. So if you've got that kind of enthusiasm, count on me. I will be there every step of the way. But if that fire burns out, I'm going to jump to the next fire. And so I found from my own experience that that's a way I currently… I decided that I'm not going to sponsor a hundred women like my wife. I'm going to sponsor just those people that I see have the potential of igniting the fire in others.
And I heard it say, you know, that I don't sponsor sponsees, I sponsor sponsors. And I'm looking to work with those people who are really on fire to pass this program on. And if they are, it just delights me. It's like where you all took me to tears, knowing that's who you are. That's what turns me on. That's what lights my fire. That's what makes my life full. So I'm going to stay with those kind of people.
The weird thing about my sobriety was that I got sent to Alcoholics Anonymous by mistake. Really, I mean, there was a lot of insensitive people who just didn't understand a guy like me. And bad luck. I mean, I really thought that if it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. And I wanted to start Victims Anonymous. And what it turns out to be is that I'm getting my card signed, and I've been going to meetings because they only let me work a day or two a week, so I don't have anything better to do.
And some of your stories are pretty racy. I mean, it's really, really, it's interesting enough just as if you're not alcoholic like I wasn't, just go to an AA meeting. And so I'm going to sometimes two or three meetings a day. And over a year, my sponsor said I was educated far beyond my intelligence. But I got degrees, right? And he says, So does a thermometer. You know where they put those. So I really believe that there's a sense of how to help someone who's new.
And if I'm going to talk to someone, I'm going to want to know a couple things before I get too far along. I'm going to want to know whether that person has experienced some kind of surrender. And my surrender happened before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, because I was 45 years of age and I just felt like, I can't do this anymore. I've tried to do it my way, and I actually felt like what I had done that day was made the decision that I'm going to die because I've tried everything else. I've spent 45 years trying to make it work, and I've been a failure.
So I'm convinced of one and only one thing, and that's Kent's way doesn't work. So it felt as though I had walked through death's door, and I was waiting for it to slam behind me, and I'm done. I'm out of here. And that was my surrender. It was like I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. When it says, He frankly admitted and believed that for him there was no hope. For me, I got to AA, there was no hope. The only reason I came to AA was there was this cute girl, and it's amazing what a woman can do to a guy.
I mean, I am now—I lost my family. I lost my job. I moved into my office. They evicted me from the office, and I moved into my car, obviously. I then parked my car out in the back of the church I belonged to, and actually I called it my mobile home, but it hadn't been mobile for a long time. But I came around the corner one day, came around the church, and I look in the back parking lot, and they towed my car away.
[00:40:01]
And when you get to that place where—this is after I've want to die—and now they've towed my car away, and I'm just a blob. I have no thought, no objective, no desire. All the fight has gone. And, you know, find a bush, sleep under the bush, get up in the morning, steal from— It was about the same time Safeway opened their doors 24 hours. It was wonderful, actually. I still have my Safeway jacket. Safeway jacket has got two big inside pockets and two big billowy sleeves, and you can actually walk out of the store with four bottles and they don't clink. I mean, what a godsend.
So then I meet this girl, and I have to—I got to go back to work and to get— Back to work, I have to get permission from the state of California, and they told me that, you know, I had to show up at AA. And that's how I got here. You know, just totally, I got a problem with authority, and here's an authority in my life. I got a problem with it. So I have no desire to do anything they ask. But it was nice of you, and kind of you, not to tell me, like, I don't belong here, even though I know I don't.
But you never told me, Get out. Thank you. Maybe I had a little bit of a drug problem, but I never drank enough. That's a lie. I mean, I didn't think I'd drank enough, you know. But so I end up with going to AA meetings for a year and two weeks, and there was a guy in the front of the room, and he was describing what—well, it doesn't matter what he was saying. It was what I was hearing, because we always argued about what he said.
But what I heard him say was that every time he'd gotten into trouble, he was, or done something he was so embarrassed about, he was loaded. And I don't know why, after a year of all those meetings, I heard what Pat said, but it was like, Oh yeah, there was this time, and yeah, there was that time, and oh yeah, Tijuana, right? And, well, we were out sailing on San Francisco Bay. This will date me, but it was when Alcatraz was still occupied, and we heard that you're within the 200-yard limit.
And just about that time, you know, we put a hole in the boat, and the Coast Guard made a big deal out of it, you know. It's like— But there was no alcohol on the boat by the time they got there. But anyway, you would— so obviously I'm not alcoholic, right? I mean, it just makes sense to me. So I'm now a year and two weeks of going to meetings, and I finally realized, listening to Pat, like I actually, I own this. I belong in— I'm supposed to be here.
And I am now over a year sober, and I'm finally coming. So the whole thing that she did and what I did is so totally different. But in reality, you know, it's that same thing. Did I surrender? Absolutely. Did God take the obsession away from me? Absolutely. The two ingredients that I look for when I'm working with somebody new, if you haven't got those two things going, if you haven't surrendered to the point where you're willing to do things that are totally unheard of, and I always think of it as taking direction from someone that you trust, but that you're willing to do something that you know this time he's wrong.
And if you're willing to do that, then you'll find another life other than the one you had found. I wanted to also go back just a little bit to the preface and forward. In the preface, one of those things that I try and point out is it says in the preface that because this book has become the basic text, for me it's like, wait a minute, what do you mean it became our basic text? It started out really as just a story of a historical representation of what they did, but it's become a basic text.
And a textbook is like a resource. You go back to that to find out how to do something. And so, if you look at my book, and probably yours too, you know this. If you look at my book, and probably yours too, you know, this is where you go back to for a solution on how do you live life. So I'm going to pass this on to Debbie.
[00:45:07]
So now we move on to Chapter One, Bill's Story. For those of you who are new, Bill is our co-founder who got sober December 11th, 1934. This is his story. And again, we're not going to—there are several pages of him sharing his experience and the development of his alcoholism and how he had the message carried to him, which was from his friend, Ebby. Now, while for a lot of years I didn't necessarily relate to Bill, but the longer I'm sober, the more I read, I certainly didn't identify with the actions, like the events that took place in his life, but those feelings and those thoughts. But for myself, for a long time, I kind of associated Bill and his, what we call his white light experience, his hot flash experience, whatever it might be called in your frame of mind.
But on page 14, he talks about the statement of, you know, that experience. Well, it almost sounded as if, to me, Bill was in his little hospital gown one day, sitting on the side of the bed, kind of kicking his legs back and forth, looking out the window, and then kapow, you know, he has this wind coming through and this light right up and all this, and— And like he did nothing to get to that moment.
And so when I start, out of what he did, those prior few pages, it's uncanny to me and very interesting that he basically took the first 11 steps, even though he had not written them yet. That writing of chapter five would come much later than the writing of his story. While he had not officially written in words, he had taken the spirit of all of those actions in such a condensed way that when he gets to page 14 and shares with us about the destruction of self-centeredness, on that second complete paragraph, he's talking about these were revolutionary and drastic proposals, which is the prior spirit of the first 11 steps. But the moment I fully accepted them, which I looked at as way deep down inside of himself, whoosh, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known.
There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up as though the great clean wind of a mountaintop blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but his impact on me was sudden and profound. And with our Step Twelve, it says, having had a spiritual awakening as the, not a result, the result of these steps, which is what he had in a very profound way. Bill seemed to have needed such a profound way because of his skepticism that had been with him the majority of his life, as he describes that, as it may be for some here too. So, having taken the spirit of those first eleven steps and having this experience, we move to the bottom of the page where he is reminded, my friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs, not just talking about them, giving them lip service.
It's a good idea. Y'all ought to do it, but the demonstration of those, particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, and he said, and how appallingly true for the alcoholic! Exclamation point. Now this next sentence, I would begin, even though the words haven't been changed, I did not see it in its entirety for quite some time. Every time, or phase of recovery I'd be in, I would seem to read
[00:50:01]
more. And so the first time I saw that sentence, it was, for if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life, period. That's all I saw. So I'm like, oh, I got to pray some more. I got to do some more, and, you know, it was like that. Then I saw— To perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice, period. So I'm thinking, oh, I got to do more self-sacrifice. I got to work harder, and so forth.
Then I saw, for others. Oh, once again, the picture just got bigger. For others. Service to others was never in my world. It was very self-service. I got that one really good. But certain for others, he could not—I'm going to put this in first person—I could not survive the certain they are coming, they're coming, certain trials and low spots ahead. How will I face those trials and low spots if I don't work to enlarge my spiritual life through service to others?
Well, the ones that didn't do that didn't make it through those trials and low spots. They've been my example of what to do and what not to do. In the next paragraph, of course, and then, you know, if he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he'd surely die. And I've come to understand for myself, dying isn't necessarily going to be that physical that comes first. There's a lot of other dying that happens.
I just recently heard a girlfriend of mine make this statement, and it's so true. We were talking about when people have had a period of time here, maybe it's even into double digits, and they relapse. She says, What I've seen is that alcoholism starts to build scaffolding, because you rarely ever see that person just jump back in and surpass that original time. It builds scaffolding, and the relapses are frequent.
They never really get much time together. Now, this isn't a true formula. This is just some common experience that we have seen. And one of the people that I think about is a fellow that got sober when Kent did. They used to be in service together a lot of years. He was 19 years, picked up a drink. Now, any time I hear somebody pick up a drink, it saddens my heart. That's thought number one. Thought number two, though, is when you take a look at where have they been the last few years. Service had tapered way down.
Sponsorship nonexistent. Didn't have one, didn't do it. Meetings hit and miss. So, in a way, not really a surprise, because they stopped doing what had been successful. He starts to come back to Alcoholics Anonymous. It's 30 days. It's then it's 60. Then it's 35. Then it's for the next couple of years that he will struggle. And I remember the statement. He was in a meeting one night, and a gal I sponsored at the time said, Mike, Mike, what happened?
You had 30 days. And he looked at her, and he said a statement that gave me the shivers, because I knew this is what I would say. He says, Kim, what's 30 days when you tossed away 19 years? Oh, that is what I would say if I bothered to come back. If. Mike's now got a permanent sobriety date. He died four or five years ago now. And oddly enough, the woman he said that to struggles to stay sober herself.
She had over 22 years when she made the conscious decision to leave Alcoholics Anonymous, as she told me. So this is the kind of thing, amongst the things that I know to do, that if I want to stay sober, it's more than just about putting the plug in the jug. It's about perfecting and enlarging my spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others. In that next paragraph, when any of the gals are talking to me about being depressed or full of self-pity, I love referring them to this paragraph on 15.
Bill reflects on his waves of self-pity and resentment, and we often, familiar
[00:55:03]
with his story, waves of depression would plague Bill. But the statement, again, that I probably saw about 10 years ago that I just loved is about mid-point. It says, But I—this sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed. So I ask myself, how many other measures do I do? Men, food, relationships, money, spending, debt—how many other measures do I go to make me feel better, right?
When all other measures failed, here's the success: Work with another alcoholic would save the— Day is the word I never saw. It was like, just for that day, it will help me to stay sober. It's not work with another alcoholic and got another month built in. It was just for that day. And some of you are old enough to remember Mighty Mouse, you know, and he came in with his cape and he'd have the song, Mighty Mouse to save the day.
And I'm like, yes, there he is. That's what it reminded me of. It was just that episode. It's just this day that helps me get out of the big I, the big self. And again, how the word did not disappear, but all of a sudden it just, pop, right off that page. And he says at the bottom of that, it is a design for living that works in rough going. So those are a couple of my shares that I love to do on my experience about Bill's story.
Thank you. You reminded me of a couple of things, as you frequently do. In the foreword to the second edition, the second page, right near the bottom, it's when I am going through the beginning of the book, I start out by introducing the guys that I work with that we, they all know, like I'm going to try and encourage them to become sponsors. And it says it so many times right in the beginning that it's easy to get started on that. But here on the bottom of that page, second page of the foreword to the second edition, it says, This seemed to prove that one alcoholic could affect another as no alcoholic could.
It also indicated that strenuous work, one alcoholic with another, was vital to permanent recovery. Well, we haven't gotten too far into the book, and we're pretty much clear that, you know, it's vital to permanent recovery. So I'm telling them, you know, that carrying the message. They all say the same thing, but I'm not capable. It's not comfortable for me. It's not my way of doing things. You know, everybody says the same thing.
But it's just like anything. You will find that there are people that you can carry a message to that no one else can. And so it's important that you leave that door open so that you can be available to that one person that you're supposed to help. And what it's done for me is it's kept my enthusiasm. On the fore to the third edition, the last paragraph: In spite of the great increase in size and span of this fellowship, at its core it remains simple and personal.
Each day somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope. And then again, as Debbie just was commenting on page 14 of Bill's story, my friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly, it was imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. I'm not trying to put guilt on them, but I'm—well, yes, I am.
Because faith without works is dead. And so I introduced them to calling other guys who are newer in the program. So if you show up at a meeting and somebody raises their hand with less than 30 days, there isn't anything wrong with you walking up and welcoming that person to Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't see anything wrong in getting their number and asking, Would it be okay if I call you? It's the only time I tell the guys I sponsor they can use my name.
I tell them if you have to tell the guy something, say, My sponsor makes me do this. So if they need an excuse, otherwise don't mention me. Yeah. And then on page 15, the… And then on page 15, that Debbie just quoted this sometimes, work with another alcoholic would save the day. So all through what we're talking about here is
[01:00:00]
working with others. I mean, true, there is that absolute need when you have not been through the book, you know, you need to apply this to your own life. But, you know, one of the classic differences between Debbie and I, if you noticed, you know, she could identify with every single thing that was in the doctor's opinion, and she said it actually gave words to her feelings. And then, you know, she just kind of skips right over Bill's story, and I'm thinking, I fancied myself a leader.
That was me. It says the drive for success was on. That was me. At one of my finals, I was too drunk to think or write. That was me. I mean, it just goes on and on. That was the last honest manual labor I did for many a day. Yeah, that was me. For the next few years, fortune threw money in a plaza my way. I had arrived. That was… So even though the book doesn't represent equally her experience in the doctor's opinion as mine, when we get to this part of the book, it's like, oh man, I'm all over Bill's story.
I mean, just every single bit of that ego-driven personality was Bill, and I came here with a bit of that. I've done much better with humility since then, but it goes on. You know, was I crazy? I began to wonder, you know, when I got here, that's where I was. So I'm just going to pass so we can keep moving because I think we're going to run out of time. We're going to take a break about 7:15-ish. Ish. Yeah.
So moving into There Is a Solution, Chapter 2, the men and women in the beginning of my sobriety said, Remember, it's a solution, not a cure. We have a solution. We have a plan of action that works for us. Of course, we're not going to really discover that until Chapter 5, but a few of the highlights for me in this particular chapter, again, showing me on page 18 over and over, it's an illness. It wasn't a defect of, you know, not strong enough, don't have the, you know, pull up your bootstraps and fly right and all that kind of stuff. It was an illness that I didn't ask for.
I didn't, I just had it. It was going to be a part of who I, of my DNA. But on 19, the first paragraph, None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, which is vocation being an occupation, we're paid for this, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. Here's the sentence that really, next two ones really I love. We feel, and I'm going to use first person again, I feel the elimination of my drinking is but a beginning.
It's not the end. I had the feeling, I just put the plug in the jug and go to some of those meetings and you call it AA. You throw everything in the pot and stir it up and you call it AA. And this tells me, oh no, I don't think so. This is a beginning. I need to be physically sober for any of this to have a place to stick, for any opportunity for this to make sense. I have to be physically sober. Altered in any way, I'm no longer in the present.
And this only can work and get into my being in a physically sober way. And then a much more important demonstration, that's a word used a lot in this book, and again, it's an action word, of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations, and affairs. I can't just give it lip service. I have to be a demonstration of that. That will speak far, far greater than my words. So when we look at that, and at the bottom of page 19, most of us sense that real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints, and a respect for their opinions and our attitudes, which make me more useful to others.
That is absolutely true. I do not like being around people who gossip, who talk badly about other people, who
[01:05:03]
criticize. They walked away and it's on. Maybe they have a different opinion than me on some things or viewpoints. But Alcoholics Anonymous has shown me, in the world at large, to respect those differences. Very important to me. And that I do not, by not engaging in that combative argument of any kind, that I can be a lot more at harmony. I want to be in harmony with the world around me. And I would like my positions respected if I feel the need, I have to tell them to you. But I also need to respect yours as well.
The other things I wanted to mention that I love so much is on page 21, the first complete paragraph. Again, the symptom. He begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption once he starts to drink. I am physically and mentally sober when I make the decision to pick up the first drink. But I do not know that the decision is now removed from my hand because alcohol has taken over. I don't understand that until you start explaining to me, it's the first drink that gets you drunk. No, it's not.
It's about the eighth. You know, that's when we start the tip. No, it's the first drink that sets the cycle in motion. And then it refers to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When I saw that, again, I remember very early on, I related to that a lot, but in reverse. Even I knew I was having personality swings, especially that last year. And we know the story. Dr. Jekyll is the nice guy. Everybody loves him. He's got curiosity about the dark side.
And he creates this potion that kind of relieves his inhibitions and has this new character he calls Mr. Hyde. And Mr. Hyde kind of goes to that dark place in him. But he can always come back. But the day comes when he can't come back anymore, and even without the potion, Hyde takes over. Well, I'm kind of in the reverse in a way, in a strange way. Physically sober, I'm the dark side. I'm Mr. Hyde. And I find a potion called whiskey, and I become Dr.
Jekyll. I'm in love with everybody, the world's at peace. But when I'm physically sober, that's when I'm thinking about homicide. I don't think about suicide. I think about homicide. They got to go. Ah, they're in my way. They're in my world. I don't like them. But that potion makes that personality change, and there's very little in-between ground anymore. That last year, it's really an either/or: the darkness or coming out in my own sunlight with a bottle of whiskey.
So I really identified with that. And then in moving to page 25, the first complete paragraph starting with There is a solution, it tells about the things we need to do for successful consummation. And at the bottom it says, We picked up the spiritual kit of tools laid at our feet. The spiritual kit of tools they laid at my feet was the answer to the question I asked on February 8, 1976. When I came back into that meeting I'd gone to weekly, and I asked with the most deepest humility and willingness at that moment.
What do you do to stay sober? And they laid their experience in seven points in a way of what they did. We get a sobriety date. We get a home group, a sponsor. We take the steps. We apply the traditions in our personal life. We be of service, and we carry the message. They didn't hand them to me. They said, Here they are, and one by one, I would pick those things up. I had to take the action. It wasn't just, in a way it was given to me, but I had to go down and reach down and pick that up each time I was ready to move on to the next thing. That's what I think about in the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at my feet. The last paragraph talks about the middle of the road solution.
I didn't relate so much in the drinking years as that, but I did when I was 6. 9 years sober, that I came to the middle of a road. I had been self-will run riot for a couple of years, and I was extremely restless, irritable, and discontented. And I came at 6.
[01:10:01]
9 years crashing back into a physically sober, but I was so miserable. Life was becoming impossible. And I looked at this clearly in a sober way that I had but two alternatives. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of my tolerable situation, which was eventually I will drink to take the hurt away, to get rid of the pain. I will find an ulterior way to do that, or to accept spiritual help. Which is what I did.
I returned and committed to alcohol. Now, I never left AA, but I was an attender for a couple of years. I was a visitor for a couple of years. And I became a member once again when I started to fall in line with the seven things they had shared with me in that kit of spiritual tools. I'm going to turn it back to Kent. I have one more thing, if there's time. If not, I'll pick it up when we roll into the next one.
Thank you. When I get to there's a solution, you know, I'd like to think that they have an idea that there was a problem. And what I'm really thinking about in my own life is, like, I got here selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, and had no clue that that was the problem. The problem wasn't that I drank too much. The problem was that I had a way of living which was to satisfy Kent, and I did everything that I could to get for me.
And the solution, just on top of that, no one in my family is alcoholic, number one, so I never had a clue what alcoholism was. And so, not only that, but no one in my family was very religious. But somehow or other, I came up with these couple of ideas. Number one. is that there is no God. I mean, I will prove that, and I spent my 14 years of college trying to prove the non-existence of God unsuccessfully.
But, I mean, I got to Alcatraz so anti-religious, anti-God that, like, do not bring it up because, like, it just, it still has that tendency to fire in me this feeling of intense rejection. And so, again, thank you for not shoving it down my throat. But Bill shoves it down our throats. Really, he says there is a solution, and the way he presents that is like, in short, either get a God or die. But, I mean, but the way Bill has put this all together is such a delightful way. He says none of us like the self-searching, the leveling of our pride.
We're all, like, on board with what he's saying, right? Well, it's true. The confession of shortcomings was the process required. But we saw that it really worked in others, so we did what they did, right? And then a little bit further down, the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which…
And by this time, I have begun to accept and see and, you know, I take probably… Nine months to a year to help someone get through the book, through the steps. So by this time I work with somebody, and there's been some signs along the way that, you know, they got the job, or the terrorizing girlfriend found another boyfriend, or something where God has played a role, you know. And you can actually see that, and I tie that in, that God has played a role in their life, and that there is a spiritual solution, and that the steps are going to provide a transition from how I got here to finding this source of accessing a source of power that makes my life work.
A source of power that makes my life work. So, I think we're— how much time do we have left? We're done. We're done. We're going to take our break right now. We'll be back in 15. Thanks, everybody.