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- Clif G — Steps 10 and 11 — Complete — Date Unknown
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- Clif G
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Source: Clif G – Clif G – Steps 10 and 11 – Complete – Date Unknown.mp3 File: clif-g-clif-g-steps-10-and-11-complete-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:06:48
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My home group is the Maladjusted to Life Group. My sobriety date is February the 27th of 2019. I'd like to have another moment of silence, if we could, please. And like we did yesterday morning, I invite you to invite your higher power to the meeting this morning and say a little prayer for our speakers this morning, if we could. I'll meet you right back here with a serenity prayer, okay? God, I pray for this serenity to accept the things I can to change, encourage us to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Whew. What about, man, my spiritual tank is like full. I don't know about you guys, but good night. And what a crowd on Sunday morning. This is fantastic. In my prayer and meditation this morning, my Sponsee brothers and I meet once a week on a Zoom call and there's a couple of them on there that have a one-word prayer, and I think it really describes this thing this weekend, and it's wow. It's just wow.
It's just been a great weekend. We were talking last night at dinner that one of the things, if you're new, or I like what you say, if you're new or nearly new, you find out that the friendships that we make in AA are some of the most powerful tools that we have in this. And so I've got to see some old friends, make some new friends this weekend, and spending time with John, and especially with Cliff, and making these new friends and having these things.
It's just phenomenal. So all of you have made this possible as well, and it's just been a great, great weekend. So, yeah. Thank you. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. How can I best serve thee that will not mine be done? These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line in all we wish. This is the proper use of the will.
Big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85. There is a direct linkage among us, self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit, but when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life. Now and then we may be granted a glimpse of the ultimate reality, which is God's kingdom, and we will be comforted and assured that our destiny in the realm will be secured for so long as we try.
However, falteringly, we took to find and to do the will of our own Creator. 12 and 12, page 98. Guys, please give a warm welcome again from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, Cliff. I bring my big book up here so you'll just know I have one. I'm not going to use it. Some people will question that, whether does he have one, does he have a book. I'm Cliff Gooding. I'm a grateful alcoholic. I'm sober since August 15, 2001, and for that short amount of time I'm as grateful as I know how to be.
I just wish that you could be here this morning and look out there. Just a sea of burning bushes this morning, huh? People who show up on Sunday mornings are the real seekers in AA, or the real sick ones, as Jack would say. A few years ago I was in Georgia, and that's almost a dirty word here, but that's like cussing in church. I was in Georgia doing a men's retreat, and my buddy Randy picked me up from the airport, and he said, Cliff, on the way out to the retreat, we're going to stop in this little small town, and there's a really good AA meeting there.
Small meeting, but it's really good. I said, that's great. I'd be happy to do that. I'd love to do that. Actually, it was the weekend Jack and I were together at the Rock, now that I think about it. So we go to this little white frame country church, and we go down in the basement, and there's one little old white haired lady sitting there. We walk in, it's just the three of us, and she said in her best Georgia accent, which I will butcher, but you'll get the gist, what are you boys doing here?
Randy, without missing a beat, says, Sauten. She says, Sauten?
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I said, yes ma'am, it says right there, Sauten through prayer and meditation
[00:05:02]
to improve our conscious contact with God. So we hear Sauten. So if you're here this morning, maybe you hear Sauten too. To expand upon that, I want to thank the committee, and specifically Chrissy again, for extending an invitation for me to come and participate in Alcoholics Anonymous this weekend. I'm often timed to overcome with gratitude to the fact that, how did I get here? How did any of us get here?
I can promise you on August 15, 2001, when I sat down in the room of Alcoholics Anonymous and was struck sober by the God of my understanding, the next thought was, one day I can be in Tennessee, and that was not my plan. Coming to AA was an attempt to get back in the house, so Chrissy, thank you, and everybody who's worked on this committee. Service work at Alcoholics Anonymous is kind of like a professional football game, really.
24 people on the field in dire need of rest, 80,000 people in stands in dire need of exercise, right? I mean, that's kind of how it works. But there's been a lot of service this weekend. The people who got together all year long that's been trying to make this thing happen so that we can come here and have this party this weekend. Registration, home, and hospitality. Everybody just trying to make sure that all of us have a good time.
What a beautiful piece of service to come just to make sure that we all show up and we have a good time. Arranging everything that's been arranged. They get together all year. I used to have a friend of mine who's gone to the big meeting. He used to say that alcoholics are the upper crust of the mentally ill. You know? You work on a committee, you'll be sure they're down in the pudding, not the crust, man.
I mean, you know what I mean? But I'm thankful for the service here this weekend of everybody who participated all year long to make sure that all of us had a good time. 295 of us, you say, to make sure we had a good time this weekend. Thank you. It's not lost on me, you know, that through our great collapse that God has worked the miracles in our lives to be here this weekend. Soughten to that continued contact.
How do we get there? How do we maintain that? I've got a couple guys here this weekend that have, for whatever reason over time, have asked me to help them, and I'm extraordinarily grateful for my buddy Bill Brown who got to come over here this weekend and spend time with us, and my friend Bob who's, he doesn't like me to tell people that I sponsor him. Okay. Bob's commitment to service and Alcoholics Anonymous is extraordinary.
It's been mentioned many times this weekend about the service provided by our tapers. My sponsor plied me with talks early on because he knew I was really sick and I needed to be in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous 24 hours a day if at all humanly possible, so I'd be in my car and I would be playing those. That wouldn't happen if we didn't support our tapers. John mentioned this yesterday. This is our history.
This is a catalog of our history. We're a society of storytellers. Spirituality is transmitted by our stories. We identify with the stories that we tell. In those stories of brokenness and redemption, we somehow find our paths along the 12 steps here. We're able to find that and gather that through these storytellers, so a society of storytellers, story listeners, and if it weren't for people like Bob who give their time and come do this, give up weekends to come preserve that.
Not that I particularly have anything great to say, but, boy, I tell you, yesterday, if your cup wasn't filled up yesterday, you need to go drink some more.
[00:10:01]
I'm telling you, man, because you are totally asleep. I mean you are totally asleep because yesterday, and I've had the good fortune to be doing this for a while, to being asked to go for whatever reason, and yesterday was about as, man, Leslie, I don't know. You were power, you know. Yes. I love it. John was just, you know, John and I talk frequently, and he and I are good, dear friends, not good friends, dear friends.
He did call me about trying to swap out. He tried to broker a deal. I'll take 2, 3, 10, 11. You take. We say that in jest because we know that in our uncomfortability is where we grow, and I'm going to tell you, I know that, and I believe, Bob is my sponsor who was supposed to be here this weekend. Bob, I don't believe, could have given as good a talk as John did yesterday. I mean, I'm just, and I love Bob, and he's 57 years sober, but that talk yesterday on 6 and 7, Johnny, let the record reflect, right, was about as God-filled a power of a talk on any steps, just a talk, power-filled, brother, and Vivian yesterday with her talk, that ladybug talk, you talk about power, and then Steve on his, Steve and I are both sponsored by Bob, and that talk Steve gave, and then John again last night.
I mean, if you were here this weekend and you didn't find some connection and get a flow of power in you from those talks, man, we need to have a conversation afterwards because you're missing something. You're closed off, you're blocked off, you're asleep, because those people, man, they were absolutely what Bob always impresses upon me. Those people who talked yesterday, they were the pipe, not the well, and it flowed through them, man, and it was power in this room, power.
That's that peace we're seeking here, that power to connect with that power and stay connected to that power. I want to thank my sweet wife, Lori, for coming with me again. Lori and I were married 26 years this past June. I'm 24 years sober, so you can figure that out. I reminded her this year, I said, honey, 26 years, you could have been paroled by now. So although Bob did get kind of worn out, people going over and saying, hey, can you make me a flash drive of one of Lori's talks?
Because she's power, because the power flows through her. She knows she's the pipe, and she's got a connection to that power, and a lot of you ladies who were here in February know that. Right, Chrissy? A lot of you ladies that were here in February, beneficiaries of that power. Tiffany? Such a deal that that connection has maintained over the last few months, that power. Power. Not the worldly power we think about here.
Before I came to Alcoa, not that power. The power that John alluded to last night about worldly clamors, powerful, I want to be powerful. Not that kind of power. That is elusive, ill-sustainable, fleeting, character defects, or an activator of false power. Just look at the talks yesterday, trying to pigeonhole all those filling in the banks. Leslie talked about examination, that self-examination, that first time we go through that process of really looking at ourselves.
I mean, did anybody ever do self-examination before you came to AA? I mean, why would you? I'm perfect. Why do I need to do that? I mean, I've got no desire nor no thoughts of that. I really need to take a hard look at me. I mean, it's like selfish and self-centered. Don't make the top hundred list. Self-examination, why? Why would I ever need to do that? I have a letter from my father that he sent.
I have a letter from my father that he sent me one time when I was off at school, treasured.
[00:15:04]
I have several letters that my dad wrote me. It was the fall and he talked about, it was his favorite time of year, and he talked about in the fall what he did was he reflected upon the year of what he accomplished, what he didn't accomplish, and what he needed to be doing for next year. It was only until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and read that letter that I realized my dad did an inventory every year.
He was not connected to Alcoholics Anonymous, although he loved you people. He loved you people. You know why? Because he got his son back. You gave him his son back. But he did an inventory every year. It's strange to me to know that there are people in the world that just do that. Why? He just naturally did that. He took time for reflection and review. It's amazing. And if my dad did it, there must be other people that do that.
There must be other people that take some kind of honest self-appraisal and review their year or whatever and process that and look about what they accomplished and what was short in the accounts for the next year. I remember the very first time I ever gave a talk outside of Oklahoma City. It was at a little group over in Shawnee, which is about 45 miles from Oklahoma City. I was so full of myself.
So excited. I'm like, I don't know, probably 18 months or less sober. Hey, man, I'm going to Shawnee to give a talk at their eating meeting. Oh, I'm just so sick. Anyway, he said, well, good. So I saw him the next morning, Saturday morning at the men's meeting. He said, how'd it go last night? I said, oh, Don, it was great. It was phenomenal. I said, when I was done, everybody stood up and clapped.
And without missing a beat, Don goes, how do you know they weren't just glad you were through? Ego deflation at depth. Forget you, man. Character defects that Leslie began to point out, looking at those things and John talking about those, character defects give us the thing, that false sense of power. They give us a false sense of power. When Dr. Silkworth talks about alcoholics becoming restless, irritable, and discontent, he talks in the very next few words, he says, until they can once again experience the sense of ease and comfort.
Not real ease and comfort. The sense of ease and comfort by taking a few drinks. Drinks they see others take with impunity, without any consequences. The sense of ease and comfort. Character defects give a guy like me a sense of power. Not real power, but power. Elusive, right? So, you know, I can lie to Terry and get one over on him. I get a sense of power. Think about it. Think about when you've lied to somebody, you get kind of a sense of, well, I got away with that one.
Get a little sense of power. It's fleeting, it's not real, but you get a sense of it, right? You cheat somebody out of something. You got one over on them. You get this little sense of power. Just this little sense of I'm better than, I got it over on you, I cheated you, you fell for it. Sense of power. You steal something from somebody. Well, you're not that kind of friend. Hell, you help them look for it.
I mean, you know, come on, you know. But you steal something from somebody, you get a sense of power. It's fleeting, but it's power. You get a feeling of power, I got one over on people.
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That character defect that wedges our way in it when you're riddled with restless, irritable discontent, seeking power. We seek power. We're on a search for power, and defects help us do that. They give us this sense, because we're just, a guy like me is clawing for something. I'm clawing to try to hang on, to try to gain some foothold in life. I don't know about you, but when I got sober and that fifth step promises they talk about, that one that always catches my eye, is that I'm able to look the world in the eye.
That didn't happen for me until eight and nine. Because I'd come out of wherever I worked, when I finally got back to work, because I didn't work for three years. My last three years of drinking, I didn't work, I never drew a sober breath. I like to think I was a functioning alcoholic at that period. I had a wife that worked. But I considered myself a real go-getter. I'd take her to work and go get her, that's what I did.
But until I started making those amends, I cannot look the world in the eye. I know what color your shoes are, but I don't know what color your eyes are. I can't, that promise began to start making sense to me once I started making amends. And so the storybook, the idea that every speaker has talked about that is absolutely build one on another, is this fundamental idea that I am blocked off from God on self-will.
And we have done this yesterday, starting Friday night, and yesterday we have been through the process of uncovering, discovering, and discarding, making right the wrongs, seeing our shortcomings, going to God to ask for help, finding that understanding that to that point I've been operating on self-will, false power, that I've got to get connected to real power, and if I get connected to real power, and when I do those ninth step amends, Bill Wilson talked about in his story, he talked about being catapulted.
Think about a catapult. Clanky, takes a lot of people to operate, ropes dangling around, it's a lot of work. Reflect on that what it says later in our book. It says we were rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence. No longer dangled by this tangly, heavy, lot of people, mass of a catapult, but rocketed, man, rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence. So if we get to be rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence, arriving at a spot, as John would say, that our umbilical cord is attached and free, as his sponsor would say, that the shaft of light is shining on me, that I am connected to the power.
Pray tell why in that moment, and the moments following that, do we go back to sleep in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, having a spiritual awakening in AA, I'm a firm believer, is no trick. Somebody talked about it yesterday. If you follow these directions laid out in the book, a monkey with cue cards could get you sober, I'm convinced, right? You do this, and then you do this, and then you do this.
If you do those things, the book promises, greatest promise in our book, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. Connected to the power. That building block, those cement blocks that Leslie talked about. I've heard people refer to this idea that we have, this restless cerebral disc. It's like a hole in their soul. You've heard people say that. Hell, I've said that. I've thought about that a lot.
I'm not sure that's correct from my standpoint, in my experience. If it's your experience, wonderful. But I'm not sure that's right for me. What I think it is, is when we put all those cinder blocks that Leslie talked about yesterday, that we stack all those up, it's not a hole, it's a shadow.
[00:25:05]
It's a shadow. As we take those cinder blocks down, as we chip through that in the process, the light comes through. Steve talked about it yesterday. My grass wouldn't grow. I had to trim the trees. When I trimmed the trees, the light flowed through. When I tear down the wall, I find it's not a hole, it's a shadow. I've been blocked off. And when I tear the cinder blocks down, the light shines through.
Now I'm connected to the power. Now how many times have we watched people in Alcoholics Anonymous come here, take the steps, have a spiritual awakening, go back to sleep, take their wheel back in three, go insane in two, and drink again in one. Having a spiritual awakening, yeah. Everybody in here with any amount of time can tell a story after story of people who've come here, had an awakening, and they're not here any longer because they go back to sleep.
They walk out our doors, and where do they go? I don't know. I hope they're doing well. I hope they find something else. John and I accidentally have met for coffee the last two mornings down at the coffee bar. I told him we had to stop meeting like that. So we made a commitment tomorrow not to do that. I was down there this morning, and the little gal at the coffee bar, we started visiting after you left, John.
And she said, are you two part of that AA convention up there? Yes. As a matter of fact, we are. She said, I thought so. In February, those women were here and drank a lot of coffee too. We do that. But she said an interesting thing to me. She said, you know, I've been sober for just over a year. But I didn't do something that I was prone to do in the past. In the past, I was very prone to do things like this.
But over the last several years, I stopped doing it. In the past, what I would say, oh, where do you go to meetings? Who's your sponsor? Do you know about the conference? I would start grilling her. But I don't do that today because she's got her own journey, and she obviously knows we're up here. She knew in February you were here. And what I just say is, oh, man, that is so good that you've got a year.
And she started telling me about her kids and how they're about together and how work was going. I don't know what her journey is, but I just let her have it because that's her experience. Steve talked about that yesterday, our experience. She's had some kind of awakening, obviously. She's aware. She awakes. She sees us. She knows. She's present in the moment. She's telling me about her journey, and it's not mine to interfere with that.
It's not mine to cross-examine her about, my God, how many meetings you go to a week, and, you know, let me tell you what the books really says, you know. That's not my place. My place is in a position today of what the tenth step talks about is, you know, what I need to be is to grow in my understanding and effectiveness. And cross-examining somebody in a coffee shop is not necessarily growing in my understanding and effectiveness.
I might understand a lot more, but my effectiveness might be going into the toilet, right? Because I might give the impression to her that if you're not doing this, then you're probably not really doing it right, which I have been guilty of many times. These, God, I love what John talked about. These perfect ideas that the first 100 coming and going laid out that Wilson wrote about for us, particularly in step 1011.
These are the process and what Leslie is going to talk about. Those three steps are the process of where we stay awake here. And, gosh, listen to these talks this weekend. I mean, don't you want to stay awake? I mean, I do. Don't you want to stay awake and be here and be present and be aware? More than anything else, don't you want to be aware? Gosh, I do. You know what I'm guilty of? Power naps, right?
Guilty of power naps in Alcoholics Anonymous. I get guilty of that. I get guilty of the moment of power. Sometimes I've had like an afternoon nap. I mean, not a power nap, like an afternoon nap that'll last for like two years. And, you know, I've had troubles in AA. You know, sometimes what I love about the evolution of AA talks, if you listen to what I've said,
[00:30:02]
early on, Cliff Roach, that John alluded to, if you listen to those old talks, 95, on a 60 minute talk, it's 60 minute drunk, 55 minute drunk log, 5 minutes family work and how great it is today. Chuck came along, changed the landscape of Alcoholics Anonymous talks. We began to talk about recovery about halfway through. People started talking to Chuck and that bunch, they began to talk about recovery. They talk about what the power has done for them. They talk about the present. And then for the last, I don't know, probably maybe 15, 20 years, they shifted again. We began to talk about problems we have in sobriety.
We talked about being drunk, the miracle of sobriety and what God has done for us, and the problems we have in sobriety. And I'm so grateful for the transparency here this weekend of people being willing to be transparent. Because I often think, I've heard speakers get up behind this podium and if you left, you'd think, my God, I get sober, my bank account is going to get full, she's coming back, I'm going to get that job, I'm going to have that new car, plenty of money in the bank. And that's just not reality. Bill Wilson tells us that early on. Certain trials and low spots. If you're new or you're nearly new and you're riding the pink cloud, buckle up. They're coming. And I've had some troubles in Alcoholics Anonymous. Had problems here. I was about, bless you, John, try to keep it down. I'm saving lives up here, man, come on. Go ahead, go ahead. I'm in the middle of one right now, I think. I love AA. I love that I have friends like John in my life.
I had zero of those when I got here. Zero. That we can play and have fun with each other. Love that. Where was I? Anyway. I did have trials. At about eight years sober, I went through the period where, you know, trying to figure out how to describe that, my wife just says that was a period where Cliff got over-sober. I like to call it my tent and tambourine period. Just a real evangelical phase of my sobriety. Where if you were in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and you made the fatal mistake of talking about the eleventh step, not review, and you happened to call it the ten step inventory, that I would chase you down after a meeting and tell you how you're killing people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Very didactic. It's very legalistic in how this thing works. I talk bad about your group. If you didn't do it the way I thought it should be done, man, I am a disunifier in AA. And I tell you that, and what was going on with me in AA at that time, I was just during that period of time elected as the alternate area chair in Oklahoma. I had just chaired our area conference, which was the biggest conference we'd had in 20 years. Moved the conference from Oklahoma City down to Norman at a bigger center. We said, oh, it's not going to work. We had like 1,500, 1,600 people show up, fill the convention center.
Look at me, look at me, look at me. Some people were saying, hey, would you come give a talk here, buy me an airplane ticket, and I am just godly. I mean, it's godly. And Lori called me one day and she said, hey, I need to see you after work today at home. Of course, you know what, I thought, well, she's got a problem. I can help her. So that's the deal. I was there early because I want to be ready. She sat me down, she held my hand. She'd done that once before, well, a couple of times actually. And she said, I don't know you.
You're physically sober, but you're not spiritually sober, you're not emotionally sober, and you
[00:35:05]
got to go. And at nine years sober, a guy that's making his name for himself in an anonymous program, right, which ought to be the very first clue there's a problem, got kicked out of my house. I mean, I'm somebody in AA, man. John talked about the elusive regenerative powers of the alcoholic ego. That stuff just happens to me. And after talking, I always talk this weekend about now we're in the sun, law of the spirit, we're connected. How does that happen? How do we get reconstructed? How do the cinder blocks come back? I'll tell you, I put them in place. Me. It's not like I wake up and say, well, I don't even know how this happened. Yes. Yes, I can tell you how it happened. All these things that step ten starts talking about. This idea that what happens is selfish, dishonesty, resentment and fear, I allow it to become creeping back into my life. And I begin to put the cinder blocks back in place of my life. And because I start relying on Cliff's will again, not the God power that I found here, I'm back into me again. And I begin reconstructing the cinder blocks once again in my life, cutting myself off from you, cutting myself off from the power, putting those back in place. I think one of the greatest things when Matt read this one, the part he read out of our textbook here, is how long we're supposed to do this. It's not a long time, it says for a lifetime. Not a big deal. For a lifetime.
I remember early on, I was early in sobriety and Don was having me do all this stuff. I said, hey, come on, man. What about some Cliff time? This is a bad thing to say to your sponsor, by the way. What about some Cliff time? He said, how old are you? This is an indication it's about to go really bad, right? 41. He said, you had 41 years of Cliff time. That time is over. That time is over. For a lifetime, I'm here. And what does our book tell us?
Why are we here? Humans need some things. We need identity, we need community, and we need purpose. All humans. And how fortunate are we in Alcoholics Anonymous, we get all three. We come here, we get an identity right out of the chute. I'm Cliff, I'm an alcoholic. That tells me who I am, what I am, where I am, and what I need to be doing, quite frankly. I get a community. Look around. We get community here. That letter I talked to you about yesterday about Carl Yoon, he talks about that to Bill also. He talks about the alcoholics are just protected by a wall of community. Gosh, that's what we have here, a wall of community. With each other, we have this protection of community and purpose. We get a purpose here. As a matter of fact, our book, we don't even have to guess. Our book tells us our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. You know, Wilson's pretty clear, I mean, there's no doubt we need to be of service to each other. No doubt about that. But you know what he also says? Way early on, way early on, a much more important demonstration of our principles lie before us in our respective homes, offices, and occupations and affairs. If I just come to AA and get sober here and just say, okay, I'm just going to come and be the best 12-stepper on earth, that's great. But I can tell you something, there are some nights that I go to my home group and I'm over by the coffee pot and I've got a, I'm holding court with about three or four newcomers and I'm just like, I mean, I'm like the Dalai Lama over there. I mean, I'm espousing platitudes. I'm about two minutes from water walker status, really. I mean, I could go home and take a shower with my socks on. I mean, I'm going. But if I get in my car and I go home and my wife shuts her door to her bedroom, which used to be ours, shuts the door, right? And my kids won't come out of their room. If I go down to that place I work and people don't,
[00:40:02]
you know, they don't acknowledge me, they don't talk to me. If I go to the supermarket and I've got 15 items in my basket and I just cut in the nine item or less line, you know. If I'm in traffic and somebody cuts me off and I give them the international sign of ill will, you know, it's all BS. It's all BS. If I can't take what I've learned here and transmit it into my life, it's all BS. What this program, what these two steps impress upon me to do is to take what I've learned here and transmit it to my life and to evaluate on a moment by moment basis what's my temperature, what's my barometer as it relates to my condition with the people in my life. Either those that I'm coming across or those that I have intimate relationships with. It gauges me to that constant loop review of where am I with what's going on. If I'm having a bump with somebody, you know, I love it that in the 12th it says if I have a bump and every great piece of spiritual literature says the same thing.
If I have a bump with somebody, this has zero to do with them. Zero to do with them. It has everything to do with me. Everything to do with me. And what my job is is to review those things and to look constantly as to where am I being selfish? Why am I having these feelings? Why am I resentful? Why am I afraid? Why am I being selfish in this situation? And our book gives us this process that we do. We watch, we pray, we discuss, we amend, we resolutely turn our thoughts to somebody we can help. And the book says that's how we keep and fit spiritual condition. You know why? Because it keeps us, keeps a guy like me in the one place it's the most difficult for me to be. In the now. In the moment. Man, if I'm time traveling, saving lives, can't take it. If I'm time traveling, I'm out of the moment. And you know what happens? Tommy, you okay? Okay. If I'm time traveling, I'm in the moment. If I'm time traveling, I can't be in the moment. If I'm not in the moment, you know what happens? I miss everything that's going on around me. Ten newcomers walk in the room. If I'm tied up in my head about the future, I have some resentment I'm chewing on, if I have some fear I'm working on, ten newcomers walk through the door, guess what happens? I miss them all. Why? I'm not in the moment. And what's my purpose here? Maximum service. I'm out of my purpose. I'm out of whack. You know, I'm upside down in my box.
You know, like when somebody ships you something and it says this side up and it comes the other way. Upside down in the box. I'm now all a tumble. The book says if I do these things I stay in fit spiritual condition and fit spiritual condition to me means that I'm okay with me, that I'm okay with you, and I'm okay with the power. Because that's what that does. That's what that loop tells me. And it talks to me about these unbelievable non-drinking promises in step ten. And everybody loves the ninth step. Our book is full of promises, man. Full of them. And everybody gets tangled up in those foo-foo promises in the ninth step, but I'm not saying they're bad. They're good. But gosh, what about some non-drinking promises, huh? What about that? What about back in step five where it talks about the drink problem, you know, seems to just go away? And what about in step twelve where it talks about, you know, if nothing ensures immunity from drinking like intensive work with other alcoholics? The other promise? It works when all other things fail. I could be the best one through eleven guy on earth, but if I'm still iffy, work with another alcoholic.
Saves the day, the book tells us. It gives us, the book gives me a recipe to stay in fit spiritual condition. The trouble is I'm a power napper. I'm a power napper and I go to sleep. And we have these perfect ideas, these perfect goals. The trick is not to get into a power nap that turns into like a year or two years. When Lori kicked me out of the house and, you know, I went and lived with the guy for several months until eventually, you know, and what I did was I just, I made the mistake again of talking to my sponsor and saying something like, man, I got to get back to base.
else here as if there's something else right I mean what you think about what
[00:45:03]
do we have here trust God clean house help other that's all we have here nobody ascends to guru status but gosh I want to I really want to you know that that ego part of me really wants to do that and I'm suspicious that some of you do too that whatever that might look like for you whatever it is in your life that you want to ascend to that too there's a piece of us all that ego that tells me that oh man you could do that wouldn't that be great you know I become overly concerned about how you see me how you view me and I'm out of me I'm out of it I'm out of the moment again I'm more concerned about worldly things love it how our book described here are these people worldly indeed so concerned with the world so concerned of what happens out there you know I love that part of our book and we agnostics it talks about that how many people have one of these just curious glad y'all can make it let me start over how many people have one it took you a while didn't how many people have one of these oh there's my girl back there's got one I don't know how to work this one new one comes out hell I gotta have it I need a calendar and a phone really I'm not even sure I need all that I need if I don't even know what I need a phone if y'all get rid of yours I get rid of mine right but a new one comes out and I gotta have it now I don't know how to work this one all completely I mean I don't know all the stuff on there but if a new one comes out Billy I gotta have it why why why I gotta have that why won't I upgrade my with the same vigor that I want a new one of these why I want to have that same vigor to upgrade my spiritual life why won't I do that why won't I take the ardent practices that it sets out for me here in 10 and 11 and take that ardent practice my I'll tell you why I'm lazy I wish I could tell you it was something else something really complicated that they need to write three volume treatises about I'm spiritually lazy I get to a spot that I get a really bad thing comfortable in my comfortability in my comfortability I'll get lazy you know suddenly I'm just doing just enough I'm doing the deal talk to anybody who is been here for a while and and goes back out and you start talking to them at John alluded to this last night you know you start talking to them and they you ask him you know well what what'd you do man when I was new here boy used to go to treatment center every week and I let a big book study at the Salvation Army and they go through this litany of things they did when they first got sober why would we stop doing that I mean that's what got me sober and work so well for me why would I stop well why would I do that why would I start unplugging from alcohol would I start unplugging from God mean is it that really what I'm doing I'm suddenly now taking a position that I'm willing to say no to God if those things that that got me sober and help me get sober and connected me to the power and suddenly I'm going to take a step back so I'm worldly clamors we see this all the time and I well I did go to there but you know I quit going I did go that but you know my job and I was going to those meetings but you don't work and I got those kids I didn't give a damn about those kids when I was drinking I'll be honest with you you know two days before Christmas 1994 I had a little girl hanging on my leg saying daddy please don't go as I filled up seven black garbage bags and put in my car and left her I didn't care that about those kids when I was drinking oh we said we give ourselves as pretension oh yeah I care about those kids you know what I cared about living the life my mind told me to live it's suddenly I want to be the father of the year what I need to be doing is to maintaining my spiritual condition what I need to be is the good leader of my family I need to be the person that what our book calls upon me to do to be the demonstration in our homes occupations and affairs I need to be the example for the guys like Bill Brown and Bob that say hey will you help me Leslie said it yesterday too much whom is given much is expected and yet I'm spiritually lazy you know I'm spiritually the book tells me that I get a daily reprieve now I'm a lawyer please don't hate me right do you need one I know and
[00:50:04]
it says we get a daily reprieve reprieve that's a stay of execution you ever watch those old Jimmy Cagney movies you know they got Jimmy in the electric chair some of you whippersnappers don't know this but they're about to pull the like they're about to pull the deal that's like one minute to midnight the warden is getting ready and so I burst in ribs and ward warden don't pull the switch the governor has issued a reprieve a stay of execution that's what our book promises us a stay of execution why for the drink is to die a daily reprieve based upon what the maintenance there's things I have to do of my spiritual condition to stay the course to not rebuild the blocks in my life to do these things to keep the ego at bay to do these things to keep God front and center in my life to do these things to stay connected to the power not squeeze the umbilical cord not build the blocks to cut off the shaft the light again not to backtrack through the steps it's incumbent upon me that I that I have this art at practice and I'm going to tell you I'm horrible at 10 I'm horrible about doing a written but I'll tell you what I will do what I'll do from time to time and John and I are pretty good about this is that I'll call John or he'll call me and he'll say hey I need to talk to you I got to talk to you I'm pretty good about that and that that nightly review you know what I've discovered in a it's like Steve talked about yesterday that the steps are linear but really it's helter-skelter really right now I take a second step today a year later it all clicks I do and I do an amends today and a year later I get the benefits from I make a man to a classmate of mine who helped me get to treatment 15 years later she calls me can you help my son it all go around serendipity right it all comes around the ripple effect of the pebble in the water it goes out you know all of that that nightly review what I've discovered is hey I don't care if you call it 10 11 to 14 who cares are you doing it and getting the spiritual benefit good for you like good for you if you're doing it and getting the spiritual benefit who cares what you call it who cares my god I'm just glad somebody's doing it right that's the juice here am I doing it am I doing it and I'm a guy that's you know John and I used to trade inventories and we both got to a spot independent of each other where we stopped I'll tell you why I did that and I and he's the same he and I talked about the same it got to be checking the box I'm just checking the box every night I'm doing it I'm answering the question yes no yes no I'm sending it because I want to do the book I want to look good to the people I'm saying I'm doing it but I'm checking the box and you know what both of us concluded independent we just stopped one day because I'm going this is no good to me it has no spiritual value if I'm just checking a box and moving on zero spirit right because you know what I got concerned about what John would think about me if I didn't do that and more importantly I found myself not being honest because what would John think of me if I say this in my inventory because I want John to love me I want John to like me I don't want him to think bad thoughts of me and see the reality for us in here here's what I know today about all that the more I'm transparent the more you love me the more I share my brokenness with you the more you care about me the more I do that then what happens is it allows you to have that 10th step experience in my practice of an 11th step a real 11th step review if I if I'm willing to share that way and be honest what that does is it helps you in your 10th step that piece of you that understanding and effectiveness and it allows you to be more what our code is loving and tolerant of me and that's the practice I need to have with you in this spiritual exercises that we do here and you know what I got a couple of guys over the last few years I mean I'm I've always been a prayer cuz hell we're in the buckle of the Bible Belt so you got to be a prayer you know and but a meditator not so much and I'll tell you why you guys remember that old show on TV when I was a kid growing up called Kung Fu remember that David Carradine snatched this pebble from my hand weed hopper
[00:55:00]
you know they used to meditate they'd go in that ashram they light a candle and they get on those pillows they get in the lotus position hell I'm a tree stump I don't bend that way you know and because I have an old idea about what meditation looks like I don't do it but you know what if you ask me hey prayer meditation I go oh yeah yeah so I'm a liar in AA I'm a liar in AA I'm a fraud in the fake in AA about step 11 fraud I'm a liar and I was that for a while after I had my crash somebody came to me and said hey talk to me about your prayer meditation life as I'm coming out of that they they want to know about it because they think they have some clues for me and absolutely they did tell you about your prayer meditation life and so you know I decided not to lie because I'm already in a spot that's time to catch an alcoholics in the spot you know and for some reason I told the truth well I pray but David Carradine that's how you meditate you know I don't do that and he just smiled said Oh Cliff that certainly is a way to meditate but it's not the only way spiritual way of life is a way of subtraction not addition here we subtract the old ideas from our life that's the spiritual practice we begin to drop away these old ideas that allow us to have a new experience and with everything every spiritual matter in our life that could we come across it's the idea that I get addition by subtraction I'm willing to give up my old idea about that about meditation I'm willing to surrender that and be open to something new it's through my prejudices and my old ideas because in AA if you've been here a while you probably like me got new old ideas right we discover new old ideas that we're here for but he said you know I'm gonna I'm gonna suggest something to you if you're willing to do it I want you to try it for 30 days and any suggest this little book to me and he said I want you to do this for five minutes a day and he said at the end of 30 days let's review okay I'll play I mean when you're in trouble you're open unfortunately for us and so I did and at the end of the week what would happen for me is I began to ponder as I began to contemplate because he'd had me read this he said I told you set and I want you to contemplate I want you to think about what that what you read once you examine that as it relates to your life and just then just be open to just be quiet and see what happens at the end of a week what happened the thought came to me you know this this kind of sounds like some stuff in step 11 let me go look at that hey this kind of sounds like what we do in step 4 let me go look at that and then they would make the fatal mistake in a little book I had that they would reference some other book so I got on Amazon and you know at the end of the month Laurie was like can I have my kitchen table back I mean suddenly I got spiritually thirsty spiritually thirsty in a meditative practice and my five minutes went to 15 minutes went to 20 minutes went to 30 minutes went to an hour that now I'm getting up early because I am so hungry I am so thirsty for what's the what's available to me for all of us I love our big book Sandy used to say you know it's not the treasure it's the treasure map but in this particular area of our development you know I don't you love that how it talks about it at this phase of our development I'm at a new season and in that moment I was in a new season a new phase of my development that I was open to a suggestion to read to try this meditation from a different entirely different standpoint try something entirely different and it's like suddenly it opens up because I'm going to share with all you all of us if you're not engaged in active prayer meditation you're lying by the you're lying by the river and you're dying of thirst yeah because that was my experience I'm here at this wellspring of the big book of alcohol who firmly suggests seek out other avenues for spiritual growth ask your priest your rabbi they would be more than glad to help you and this it opened up for me it opened this floodgate for me and what happened was I began to share this with And what happened was I began to share this with the men I sponsor.
I did an exercise with a guy a couple of years ago that was a kind of a spiritual year-long deal.
[01:00:03]
And I happened to tell this guy from a friend of mine down in Austin, he said, I'll do that with you. And we did it together for a year. For a year we did that. Rachel, you're doing that now, aren't you? Yeah. We did that together for a year and now I got like 15 guys that are doing that and are trading with each other. Opening up the spiritual channels, being open to try to figure out how do I stay more in the now?
How do I get to here? How do I become more aware of the reality in my life? And this process, the steps, steps 10, 11, are all about me staying in the now. Me being present in the moment. If I'm observing what's happening in my life, if I'm trying to be present in the moment for that, if I'm not concerned about me in the future or dwelled up in the past, if I'm not blocked off because I've allowed these blocks to come through, then that is how I become of maximum service to God and the people about me.
One block builds on the other. Something that they tell us about in step 9 suddenly makes perfect sense as we get to 10 and 11. It tells me how to accomplish that. How do I stay ready? How do I stay on the firing line of life? It tells me to stay in the now that I've got to do these things. There's this rigorous art of practice. And am I perfect? No. No. I've already told you I'm a power napper, man.
This is, you know, I'm telling you. But I have tapped into something else, what our book tells us in the appendix, an unsuspected inner resource. There's a powerful stream of life that runs through me, that runs through me and it connects to everyone in this room. And if I'm willing to stay connected to that power, if I'm willing to lay down some of me, if I'm willing to lay down some of me to help you raise up, then the power works.
It regenerates to more power, more love, more grace, more love and understanding, more effectiveness in my life, more love and tolerance of you. Because what happens when that understanding and effectiveness begins to really work in my life, when compassion becomes a working part of my life, what happens is we get a transformational experience here. We begin to get transformed through the steps. Certainly that happens for us.
But in 10 and 11 we are rocketed, rocketed in this fourth dimension of existence. And why wouldn't we want to do that? Why wouldn't we get spiritually thirsty? Because I'm lazy. Because I'm lazy. And I don't like being lazy. And I don't want to admit it to you that I'm lazy, but it's truthful. It's truthful. I am not a holy man on a mountain. I'm a fallible human being. I looked in the want ads this morning, and it said the God job wasn't taken.
The only thing available was that, fallible human being. I signed right up, right? I signed right up. Because that's my role today. My role today is to be a fallible human being, come share all the bed wet and the booger eating, tell you my struggles, tell you what happens in my life, which in turn gives you permission. That's the power of this. The power of being vulnerable, it gives you permission to be vulnerable.
Through showing our defects, which we are so much more connected by our defects than we have ever been in our virtues. By being vulnerable with each other, then what happens is it allows us to be participants in the game of life. It allows us to be participants in reality. There was a little boy, and he saw a sign that said circus in town. And, man, he wanted to go to the circus. So he talked to his dad about it, and his dad gave him a 50-cent piece because that was the admission for kids.
He got on his bike, and he rode to town. As he got to town, the circus parade was getting ready to start. So he pulled over on his bike and parked on the curb, and he parked on the curb of the sidewalk, and the parade started. And as the parade started, you know it started out, here comes the horses, and then, you know, the jugglers came, and then the cages with all the animals in it. Man, he's just sitting there taking it all in.
Clowns come, you know, and then the elephants, and the guy cleaning up after the elephants. And then there was the guy, you know, the ringman. And he comes by, and as he sees the little boy in the corner, the little boy tips his hat, and he takes the 50-cent piece, and he flips it, and it lands in the guy's hat. And the guy put it back on his head. The little boy gets on his bike, and he rides back home.
And his dad says, I thought you were going to the circus. He said, oh, I did, I did.
[01:05:01]
He said, I saw the horses, the jugglers, the lions, you know, clowns, elephants, ringmans, I saw it all. But did you see the circus? And if you're like me, you've probably been just like that, parked on the curb, watching the passing parade of life, watching the passing parade, but never really making it to the big tent, never really making it to the tent. Our friend Ralph, he's who I love. One of the things he always says that just resonates with me, he says, man, put me in the game.
Put me in the game, man. Put me in the big tent. I want everything Alcoholics Anonymous has available to me. I can't sit on the curb and watch the passing parade and lie to myself and believe that I've had an experience at Alcoholics Anonymous. I need to get in the big tent. I need to get in the game. I need to get in the game. I need to be in the tent. And the way I get in the tent is 10-11. 10-11, put me in the game, man.
They put me in the game, what the first nine steps tell me, how to clean that pass that they put me in the game. Service work, 24 on the field, dire need of rest, 80,000 in the stands watching the passing parade, dire need of exercise. Let's all get in the tent today. Thanks, guys. Thank you.