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- Lori and Clif G — Speaking About God — Complete — Date Unknown
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- Clif G. and Lori G
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Source: Clif G. and Lori G – Lori and Clif G – Speaking About God – Complete – Date Unknown.mp3 File: clif-g-and-lori-g-lori-and-clif-g-speaking-about-god-complete-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:57:09
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Hey everybody, I'm Cliff Gooding, I'm a grateful alcoholic. I'm sober since August the 15th of 2001, and for that short amount of time, I'm as grateful as I know how to be. And I really want to welcome the folks that are here, that are our new friends here.
And they were sitting back at the back, and I went and told their people, their handlers, I said, you need to bring them all the way down. Just bring them all the way down, because the Lord knows they need to hear this today. I sometimes, when we go to conferences, conventions, roundups, whatever, sometimes they'll put the folks in treatment at the back. And they're part of, and so it's important you're down front and know you're part of today.
So, Lori and I thought long and hard about this workshop, what we were going to do. And this morning, Lori said, what are we going to do? And we were talking about something, and she said, speaking of God, and I said, that's it. That's our workshop, speaking of God. And that's how that works sometimes. I've got to tell you about Lori and I, before I stopped drinking, one time I was in my office and Lori was in the back bedroom and she hollered at me.
And she said, Cliff, do you ever feel like there's a pain in your neck? Like somebody's got a voodoo doll and sticking a pin through your neck. And I thought for a minute, I thought, no, honey, no. She said, about ten seconds passed, she said, how about now? Anyway. So much for that truth thing that she was talking about, you know. Before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was on one of those night watchman deals and I was up late for a couple days and I was, it's a full-time job.
Anyway. I was up late, I don't know what night it was, but anyway, I'm watching late night infomercials. You guys ever watch these things, late night infomercials? Fascinating. Anyway, I hit a channel and they were advertising OxiClean. You guys familiar with this stuff, OxiClean? Yeah, it's amazing. Anyway, there's this guy and he's the pitch man for OxiClean. And he's standing in front of this clear tub and he starts talking about the problem.
Mud, grime, grease, dirt, grass stains, the problem. And as he's talking about the problem, I'm looking around where I've been up for about three days and I've kind of got some problem going on in there, you know what I mean? And old Billy, he reached in the tub, it's agitating, this clear tub, it's agitating. And he reached down and he grabs a little handful of that OxiClean, he throws it in the tub and it starts to agitate around.
And as he's talking, he reached down and he pulls out this t-shirt, which used to be white, and it's full of grass stains, mud, dirt, grime, and he puts it in that tub. And I'm going to tell you, by this time, I'm on the edge of the seat because I'm just wrapped to see what's going to happen next with OxiClean, right? And Billy's talking and he's pitching and man, I'm in. I'm just in the deal. And he puts that white t-shirt in there and he keeps pitching and in a few minutes he reaches in, he grabs that shirt out, and bam, shazam, white.
I mean, it is clean. And he starts talking about this powers of OxiClean and you can buy that and, well, I thought, I've got to have me some of that damn OxiClean is what I've got to have. And so I had been working for about two and a half years, but Lori had. So I went back and got her debit card. And I ordered that OxiClean because they said it would be there in four to six weeks. And so I ordered OxiClean.
I told her about it the next morning. She wasn't nearly as excited as you people are about it.
[00:05:02]
But eventually the OxiClean showed up. And when the OxiClean showed up, I started putting it in the washing machine. And man, it worked. It worked so well that I started putting it in the dishwasher. And, I mean, I just started practicing OxiClean in all my affairs is what I started doing. And it was just great. It was wonderful. And then at some point in time after that what happened was is that I ran out of OxiClean.
Now when I ran out of OxiClean, I didn't have to go on another one of them three-day runs to try to catch Billy again on TV, you know. By this time I had some practical experience with the OxiClean, right. I mean, I watched a guy talk about it, give a demonstration. I was sold on the demonstration. I bought it. And when I came to time for me to buy again, I didn't need to go back and watch again. I had some practical experience and some belief that it would work for me.
And when I come to rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, when I get here is that I don't know what, you know, Tom I used to say it best, he said when new people come to Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't know if they're an alcoholic, an addict, or a goat, you know. We don't know what we are when we get here. And it's the members of Alcoholics Anonymous who are responsible to help people figure out where they belong.
It's our responsibility to help people figure that out. And so when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous not knowing all that kind of stuff, not knowing about this power, not knowing about God, what happened in the people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous began to be demonstrations for me. And what they did, they would come and they would talk about their experience in Alcoholics Anonymous. They would talk about what happened when their mom died, that they didn't have to drink.
They would talk about when people get married, when people get divorced, births, the whole gamut. They would demonstrate the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and the power working in their life. And I would sit there and I would listen to those people, demonstrate that, watch how they live their lives. And I just bought the deal. Bought the deal. And I remember I was like 60, 90 days sober and somebody came up to me and said, how long are you sober now?
And I remember it was like 60 or whatnot, whatever period of time I was sober. And it struck me at that moment that I had been sober 90 days and I had not been sober 90 days consecutively since I was 11 years old. And I think about the power of the demonstrations in Alcoholics Anonymous. The demonstrations about God in AA. And I think about that oftentimes when I'm in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Because, you know, if I had been watching Billy that night, he was pitching OxyClean. And if he was talking about OxyClean and he had been out there earlier that day and he was just lit up, you know, and if he had just puked in that tub, I'd have changed the channel, man. I'd have changed the channel. And I think about that when I'm in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, am I sharing the solution or am I puking the problem?
And what kind of demonstration am I making in Alcoholics Anonymous? Am I making the kind of demonstration that makes the people want to keep on the channel? Do they want to hold to the demonstration that I'm making and the other members of Alcoholics Anonymous are making? Or do I come there and puke the problem, they change the channel and they never come back? You know, I don't want to be responsible and I don't believe I'm that powerful.
But I certainly don't want to be the cause of somebody leaving Alcoholics Anonymous. And I certainly want to be conscious of giving everybody that comes here the same opportunity to discover the power that I discovered here that I've had and you've had by the adequate demonstration that I give not only inside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous but outside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because what I know is that when I speak or you speak in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, for these people right here, they believe everything you say.
And so when I talk about the solution in Alcoholics Anonymous, I need to be sure that I'm accurate in what I'm saying so that I give them the proper information that makes them want to come back,
[00:10:07]
that makes them curious about that book, but more importantly, curious about this power that we have discovered here, the God of our own understandings that each of us in our own way discover here. I was talking to one of my guys yesterday and he had called me and was talking about this stuff, you know, just talking to me about stuff. And you know, what I know today is there's a lot of noise in Alcoholics Anonymous.
There's a lot of noise in here. There's so much noise in Alcoholics Anonymous, sometimes I can't hear the message. And I need to be aware of that. I need to be aware of what I'm hearing in Alcoholics Anonymous. I need to be aware of what I'm saying in Alcoholics Anonymous. I can be so distracted by what's going on about me that I can forget about the meetings not about me. I've never needed but one meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the very first one I went to.
And people say, oh, you're anti-meeting. I'm not anti-meeting. What I am is I'm in remembrance of what the purpose of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is for. Our book says we meet often so new people can find us. So it tells me who the meetings are for. They're not for me. They're not for you. They're for these people. I've already got mine. I go to AA meetings. Why? Because new people are there. And I need to share the solution I found in that book and in the steps so that they may have an opportunity to come here and discover what I've discovered, what many of you have discovered, is the God that we know that filters through Alcoholics Anonymous, that is part of this, the essential element, the powerful cement that binds us here, that they have an opportunity to find that.
And when I say that sometimes people talk about, well, Cliff, you're anti-meeting. And I'm not. But what I am anti about is anti-relying on the meetings for my recovery. I hear some people say, people with long-term sobriety oftentimes come to AME and say something like this. Boy, I really needed a meeting today. And I think I wonder what you missed. I wonder what it is that you missed in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I think what I understand them to say, what they're really saying is I need some contact. But I hope I don't understand them to say I need to come here and puke the problem. Because that's what my sponsor is for. The meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous for me to bring the solution to the problem to, for these people, for the new person or the person that's still struggling there. I can't be confused also that the still-suffering alcoholic is out on the streets.
I'll sometimes be confused that we say the still-suffering and then we assume that's the person on the street. Person on the street, they still have some semblance of a solution. Something is still working for them, or they would be here. Something's still working. But in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous what I know is that we can fall asleep, get disconnected, be somehow separated again from God, and in that separation find that we're lost again.
And I'm a firm believer in Alcoholics Anonymous that we have this three-piece part that I hear people talk about a lot of times. Information plus application brings about transformation. And I don't have a lot of disagreement with that. I think those are the essential elements. But I also think there's one more that goes in there. And that's information plus application plus collaboration with God brings about the needed transformation that I need in my life.
If I'm going to rely on information in my own application, I'm in big trouble. Big trouble. In every meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and no exception here this morning, we invite God into the equation. We invite God into our midst. And so when I'm in a program of action, if I'm tasked to bring in, to make these profound changes, these alterations in my life, they necessarily include an impact of God in that piece of the puzzle.
When I go to talk to treatment centers, I often talk about treatment centers. I love them. They give you a lot of good information. Man, sometimes they'll give you a book that's thick. You should get a Ph.D. when you leave there, man. It's full of information. And they separate you from whatever's got you, which is wonderful. But I think what a good treatment center does, and most of them are, is they let the outside come in.
They let good A.A. members come in. They let AA, good AA members come in and bring a message of hope, because we all know that when you leave a treatment center, if you just leave, we will see you again, right?
[00:15:09]
Maybe not that one, but at some treatment center. So there's got to be something else in the mix, and that piece of the puzzle is, how do we get God mixed into the equation and sustain that? So I'm talking to my guy yesterday, and he's talking to me about a buddy of his that got out of jail, and that he had tried to get him into a sober house, he wasn't much interested in that, he went to his brothers.
He said, I'm just going to go to my brothers, and he says to me, I know that's a bad idea. And the next day, sure enough, the kid was back in ICU. Left to my own devices, the insane thought sounds totally sane to a practicing alcoholic. Sometimes it can sound pretty good to a sober guy. That's why I have a sponsor. Bob always tells me, Cliff, when you get a good idea, call me. When you get a great idea, buy a plane ticket to St. Paul. Come see me.
But he asked me this question, and he pondered it, and he was serious. He's about three years sober. And he said, sometimes, you know, I go through all this stuff, and I look around at my life, and I say, why me? Why me? Why am I an alcoholic? Why do I have to go to AA? Why do I have to do all this stuff? And I suggested to him that maybe he's asking the wrong question. Maybe the question ought to be not why me, but why not me? Why not me? I'm convinced today that the reason I'm an alcoholic is the only way God could get my attention.
We talk about oftentimes this piece of, I heard Leslie talk about it last night, and I've heard AA speakers for many years talk about it. Certainly I talk about it. This idea that I have this separateness, I feel this piece of me missing, it's a longing almost. This need for something else, this piece of the puzzle that seems to be missing in my life. I'm convinced today that's a manufacturer's defect. And you know what happens when you get a manufacturer's defect? You get a warranty recall. You can take it to the dealership, and they'll look at it and say, we can't help you.
So I can go back to mom and dad and say, hey, I need fixed. I can go to my partner and say, hey, I need fixed. Hey, I can go to my friends and say, hey, I need fixed. I can go and try to change the outside picture of my life and say, hey, I need fixed. But until I go to the manufacturer, until I go to the source of the power, I'm just going to labor in that. The defect is going to continue to labor in my life. And so why not me? Why not me? And why not you? If this is the way it had to be for God to get my attention, why not me? And why not you?
If this is what it takes for me to have the kind of good quality of life that all of us so richly deserve, then why not me? And I think what happens for a guy like me is that I'm then sourced with the manufacturer. I think there are four primary mainstays in Alcoholics Anonymous. Getting right with God, getting right with self, getting right with others, and a lifetime of service. I think those are all contained in our steps. Steps one through three are all about getting right with God.
Four through seven are all about getting right with self. Eight and nine are about getting right with others. And then 10, 11, 12 are all about a lifetime of service and how I maintain this conscious contact to grow and expand that which I have discovered here, that which God himself has blessed me with. And when we come to Alcoholics Anonymous, we come here kind of like the shipwreck that they talk about in our book. I used to be this guy that was very didactic in my approach to Alcoholics Anonymous. It was this way, this way. I was a literalist. What the book says is how you do it. I wasn't a 12-stepper. I'm a 12-stomper.
I'm going to give you a spiritual enema to get this right. I'm going to figure this out. That's not very attractive, to be honest with you. In the moment when I'm in the passions of Alcoholics Anonymous, when I believe I'm so godly, so righteous about how this is supposed to look, I forget what it's like to be new.
[00:20:08]
There's a part in our literature that talks about in chapter we agnostic says if a man is to find God, I shared this with Rachel this morning, if a man is to find God, it must come from within. There's nothing I can do to produce in somebody else a spiritual experience. I can't manufacture that. Leslie talked about it last night. If I could give you the recipe for surrender, if I could write that up for you, hell, if I could get some water and sprinkle it on you where you could surrender.
If we could do something like that, there really wouldn't be a need for faith. If I could just produce that, if we could find somehow, if it's for me, tell them I'm really busy right now. God's got me hooked up right now. I wish Duane was here. Anyway, I can't produce that in you. And the thing about it is that the only way that I've ever witnessed that happening is generally there's some cataclysmic event in the life of an alcoholic that causes them to have this surrender experience.
That bridges them over to this willingness. And everybody in this room could talk about consequences. Jails, institutions, we could do a laundry list, ex-wives, ex-husbands, shattered relationship, all that stuff. And if external consequences was the benchmark for us to get sober or to get clean or whatever, if external consequences, if that were the key to a surrender experience, it might well be important to crowbar and leverage my decision in step three.
But just in and of itself, if a consequence externally were the key, the first time anything bad happened, everybody in this room, we'd have got sober. But everybody in this room can talk about time and time again, consequence after consequence that we've all had where we had opportunities to surrender, but due to the selfish, self-centered nature of my being, I closed the window on that and I keep motoring on.
And therefore, it leads me to believe that an external consequence is never going to do it for a guy like me. There's got to be something else about that. There must be something else in order for me to have the kind of surrender experience necessary for me to volley over step one. And by the way, step one without the rest of the steps is just another bad day in my life. Step one without the other steps is just another bad day in the life of an alcoholic.
If I just have a step one experience and somebody doesn't get through the window to give me, to feed me about the power, to feed me about God, it's just another bad day in my life, man. But there has to be something else. And what I believe for this alcoholic is, what happens to a guy like me, is something externally may happen, but internally it causes an implosion of self. That there's something that happens to all of us in our journey here where the implosion of self happens where we can't go anymore.
That we have that crack in our heart, maybe it's for an instant, a crack in our heart that God lets us stand in that crack, in the crevice, and in that moment we see ourselves, I see myself for exactly who I am and what I am. And in that moment, in that crevice, in that recognition, in that implosion of self, in that moment, the recognition, I can no longer do it, I gotta have something out, grace falls into place.
The crossroads of grace and mercy. You know how alcoholics are, by God I want justice for you but mercy for me, right? That's how we roll around here. But every time we close this meeting, and every meeting we have here, we say that prayer that was taught to us by the carpenter who says, please give me forgiveness in the same measure I'm willing to give everybody in my life.
[00:25:01]
And in that implosion of self, in that moment of grace, what has to happen, I'm a big believer in this, some human being, Leslie talked about last night, we talk about power beyond human aid, but the book talks about God's intelligent agents. That's you, that's you, that's you. God's intelligent agents. And what our responsibility is when the wave of insanity crashes through, when they have an implosion of self, our job is to crawl through the window of grace.
We crawl through the window of grace and we sing the music of Alcoholics Anonymous. And in that moment, the manufacturer's recall is completed. Grace. Grace. The thing about the manufacturer's recall that makes it a little tricky, I gotta come every day. I gotta come every day. But it's not for a long time, it just says for a lifetime, so it's a good deal, right? So you get a little break in there, you know. When you die, you get a break, so it's good.
But I think it's designed to be that way in me. I believe that for alcoholics, it's designed to be that way. And we have a treasure map called the Big Book. That if we follow that map, it leads us to the treasure. As a matter of fact, it says the main purpose of this book is enabling you to find a power greater than yourself. To solve your problem, singular problem. It's a treasure map, Sandy used to say that.
The book is not the treasure, it's the treasure map. And in that treasure map, it guides us to what we're supposed to do on a daily basis. To take the grace of the manufacturer's warranty, so that we can live happy, joyous, and free. And it's only through the freedom of the steps, it's only by that liberation that we have through the steps. For people like us. Hey, I know that you're not supposed to lie, but guess what? I lied.
I know you're not supposed to steal, but guess what? I steal. I know you're not supposed to cheat, guess what? I cheated. You know why? I lack power. If we had a better philosophy of life, just a better moral code, I had that. I can't put it into practical application. And I'm guessing that everybody in this room, somewhere in your life, somebody said it's not okay to lie, it's not okay to steal, it's not okay to cheat.
But we can't put that into practical application. We lack power on a basic level, far beyond the drink. Far beyond the drink. To take those basic spiritual principles and activate them in our life. But here, here through an ardent practice of the 12 steps, and a return to the manufacturer, we somehow gain power. When faced with a question, we suddenly start telling the truth. When we surrender to this power, when we surrender to this God of our understanding, when faced with an opportunity to steal, whether it be something physical or somebody's emotional time, we choose suddenly, we know the right action, and we don't steal.
Because we have now tapped into the needed power. Alcoholics Anonymous is the biggest bait and switch program on earth. Swear to God it is. We come here for our drinking and we think, my God, that was the biggest con ever, man. Hell, it was barely about the drinking, right? If this room was the quantity, if we said this is the quantity of alcoholism, the cap on this bottle would be the drinking part.
Oh sure, there's a certain amount of drinking required for entry here. But the drinking solution for people like us because we can't live with what we're doing in our life. I heard somebody today say, you know, I come to Alcoholics Anonymous so I can deal with those people out there. I come to Alcoholics Anonymous so I can deal with those people out there, ok, I come to
[00:30:00]
Alcoholics Anonymous so I can get connected to God, so I don't worry about those people out there, I don't worry about those people anymore, they don't impact me, they can't hurt me, they can't affect me, only if I allow them to, because the source of my power comes from somewhere else, the source of my power does not depend upon you filling the role that I've assigned for you today, the source of my power, the source of my happy, joyous and freedom does not come from how you act, what I have, the right car I'm driving, what my bank account looks like, whether my wife is here or not, the source of my power today lies in the God that I found in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, because why not me?
It's the only way I could find this power, without that I had no power. I'm going to tell this little story and I'm going to let Lori, the real speaker here, finish this out here, wasn't she great this morning, wasn't she phenomenal? I love you baby. There was a time I couldn't do that in front of this many people, because I might have an opportunity, and so I couldn't do that. Just being transparent, that's right.
But today, after my love for God, my love for my wife is the most important thing in my life. And I'm grateful for that, I'm grateful I know that today. So I'm going to tell this one little story and I'm going to let my beautiful bride finish this out here this morning, speaking about God. I want all of us to go back here for a minute, we're going to take a journey through time for just a little bit, and we're going to travel way back in old times. You can close your eyes if you want to, I don't care. We're going to go back in old times, long time ago, long time ago. We're going to go to the holy city of Jerusalem, and it's Palm Sunday. This is not a religious story, so please don't get all wrapped around the axle early. And Jerusalem, the holy city of Jerusalem is packed, it is packed. I mean you could not squeeze another person into that city, it is packed, because the Messiah is coming. He's coming. And the crowd is jostling, they're excited. The Roman soldiers are on high alert, high alert, they're worried about the Jewish people and the eruption that might happen, because the Messiah is coming. And outside the city of Jerusalem, here comes the Messiah riding a donkey. And as he enters the city of Jerusalem, the crowds go crazy, they go wild, and there's jostling in the streets, and everybody's saying, Hail to the Messiah, Hail to the Messiah. And what if, just for a moment, what if just for a moment, the donkey thought all of that was for him? What if just for a moment, the donkey thought all of that was for him? And isn't that me? Isn't that me? You know, I get a few accolades in Alcoholics Anonymous, I get to go talk at a potluck or a barbecue, I get elected GSR in my group, I get to be a DCM, you know, secretary, chairman of my group, and suddenly I think, look at me, look at me, look at me. I'm guilty, I've been guilty of that in AA.
I've almost died in Alcoholics Anonymous because of the resurrected powers of the alcoholic ego. And I get confused about whether I'm the message, or I'm the carrier of the message. And what I want you good people to know is this, is that tomorrow afternoon, about 1.30, Lori and I will be getting on a big old jet airliner, headed back to Oklahoma City, and when we do that, when we get on that airplane and we go home, what I want you good people to know, that I know for a fact that the time that I spent with you this weekend, that I am not the messenger, I'm just the ass carrying the message. So thanks for having me.
[00:35:01]
Speaking of God, hey everybody, my name is Lori Gooding, I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon. My recovery date is July 1, 2001. How many people when you got here had a problem with God, or higher power, or anything like that? Okay, great. So when I was a little girl, I grew up in church. Actually, my daddy started a church in the little town that I lived in. My daddy was not a minister, preacher, nothing like that. He just happened to be a member of this church, and he started it. I'm told that we had services in our house before I was even born. I don't obviously remember all that, but anyway. But my dad helped build this church, and so we went to church all the time. We went to church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, Revival night. If there was a business meeting, if the doors of that church were unlocked, we were there. And I've got to tell you, as a little girl, I loved it. I went to Sunday school, I did all that stuff. I memorized the Bible verse, I did all of that stuff. And when my parents got divorced, they kicked my daddy out of that church that he started. And when I'm six years old and I hear that, it does not compete with what I've been told in that church that whole time, which is we treat others as God would treat us. And I just couldn't imagine God kicking anybody out of a church.
I just couldn't understand that. And after my parents divorced, nobody in my family went back to church but me. And I know that's because that's where I felt comfortable, and I was looking for that again somewhere else. And my mama moved me around a lot. I mean, I lived in a lot of different places for a number of years. And every time that we would go someplace else, the first thing I'd do is find a church, because that's all I knew.
That's all I knew. And I never fit in. I never was comfortable. I could not get it. And I could not get that feeling again. And I'm going to tell you, I'd love to tell you that that's the church's fault. It is not. It is not. That has really little to do with the church. I think it had a lot to do with me in that I just couldn't hear what was going on. I think I was starting to get blocked. I think that's what happens. I think we start to get blocked. And a lot of us get blocked because of abuse or because of alcoholism or because of whatever. And I know that now. There were things going on in my life. There were events going on in my life that I just could not find God. I would pray as a little girl for God to do stuff, and it didn't seem like those things were happening for me. But I never stopped believing in God, but I just didn't have a relationship with it. And listen, I had a hard time with that, because when you're growing up, you can't reconcile that in your brain, and it doesn't feel right. And there's things that people were telling me that were against our beliefs, and you can't believe that, and it just didn't feel right in my heart. And I couldn't reconcile that. So like I said, I continued to go to church on and off, all through middle school, high school, all of that. All up until adulthood.
Actually until I met Cliff, so he's to blame. But anyway. And so I had a hard time with that. And then I came into the program, and you guys were talking about higher power in God. And again, I didn't really have any issues with that other than I just knew that it didn't seem like that it had worked for me. It just didn't seem like that was working in my life. And then you guys talked about getting your own conception of God, and I thought, you heathenous pigs are going to hell. You can't create your own conception of God. You can't do that. That's not right. I mean, because it's not what I was taught, and it's not what I knew. And I was pretty narrow-minded, because I had been taught narrow-minded views. That's just the truth. But I had seen things happen with people in these rooms. And I would hear these stories, and I'm sure some of you understand this. You ever heard somebody get up and talk maybe in your home group, or maybe at a conference or something, and they talk about their life as when they were drinking, and the things that they did, and maybe they went to prison.
[00:40:02]
And you look at them, and you're thinking, I cannot see that. I cannot see that person like that. I can't imagine that that person killed somebody. I can't imagine that that person went to jail 17 times. I can't imagine, you know, whatever. But there's been a change in them, and that's why you can't recognize that person for the person that they used to be, because something had happened to them. Something had happened to them. And I could see that with other people. I mean, I'd hear these stories, and it would just blow me away. I used to go to a lot of open AA meetings when I first got here. My sponsor had me not only go into a lot of Al-Anon meetings, but she had me go to open AA meetings all the time. And I am so grateful for that, because it's really where I learned how to have compassion for the alcoholic. And it's really where I learned about the disease of alcoholism.
And so, I would see these changes, and I knew something was different with them. And I knew they were talking about God, but I just didn't know how that was all going to work out. And so, when it talks about this conception of God, you know, and again, I've been told a lot of things, and I've been taught a lot of things, and I had to figure out what was going to work for me. And this is just my opinion, and you don't have to believe it.
I'm not telling you this is right. I'm just telling you what happened and what worked for me. You know, I have a son, and he calls me Mom. And I have a granddaughter, and she calls me Lolly. And I have some friends, and they have some nicknames for me we're not going to talk about. And my husband calls me Honey or Babe or whatever. And you know, I have a different relationship with each of those people. I have a different relationship with my son than I do with my granddaughter. And I have a different relationship with my co-workers than I do with my husband. And I have a different relationship with my sisters than I do with my son. And there's just one me. And they all call me a different name.
And I think there's just one God. And I think we call Him all a different name. Some people call Him God. Some people call Him higher power. Some people call Him Jesus. Some call Him Buddha. Some call Him the sun, moon, and the stars, the energy in the room, spirit, whatever. But there's just one God. And we all have a different relationship with that one God. And we all get to that one God and get to know that one God on a personal basis.
And we all call that God something different. And none of it's wrong and none of it's right. It's just what it is. It's just that relationship. And so that's how I think God is. I just think that I think there's just one God. But I think we all get to Him in our own way, and we all have a different name for Him. And everybody has to figure out what that's going to be. And everybody has to have that own personal relationship. And the difference between being taught about God and being told about God is that you can know that, but if you don't experience God, you've got to have that relationship. And the only way you have a relationship with that higher power, whatever you choose to call it, is an experience. It's something you've got to experience. I can't explain it to you. I don't think anybody will ever be able to explain it to you. I can't explain God. I have no idea. I can give you the idea of what I have and what I know so far, but it changes daily with me. Everything that I know about the God of my understanding today has been through experiencing Him. And that's what these steps do. They give you that spiritual experience. You take these steps, things change in your life. You learn how to do things differently. You learn how to change behavior.
You clean up your wreckage, and then you live in 10, 11, and 12. And that's where I get closer and closer to that God of my understanding. That's where I develop that relationship. That's where I learn who God is for me, not for you. I don't know. Everybody has to have their own experience and have their own thing. I think that when I first came here, when I was narrow-minded, and I think that I was just because people were talking about all this stuff and saying all this stuff, and I could see the changes.
About all this stuff and saying all this stuff and I could see the changes, I think that's what cracked open my brain just a little bit, that maybe it's not what I think, maybe something
[00:45:01]
could be different, just, I just had to give it a shot and, and what did I have to lose? I mean what was, what I, what the God that I came in here with wasn't working for me, it just wasn't working for me. I didn't even, I couldn't trust that God, that was the big deal, it's not that I didn't believe that there was a higher power, I didn't trust that higher power, that's why I couldn't let anything go, I was afraid to, I was scared to death that it wasn't going to turn out the way that I wanted or what I needed or whatever, you know, and I think a lot of us are, all that stuff that we're scared, we're all, we're scared to death, we're based in fear, now listen, nobody knew I was scared, I wasn't going to let y'all think I was unfair, I mean I, I acted really tough, nobody thought that I was scared of anything, I've had so many people tell me over the years, you're just so strong and you're just so tough, nope, I was terrified, I just put on a good front, that's the truth, I just put on a good front, because I can't let y'all know that I'm scared, I can't let y'all know that I, that I, I'm worried.
So as I've developed this relationship, it's been stronger and stronger and stronger, it is the most important relationship I have, and I rely on that power for everything today, which I used to not, I mean, I didn't give anything to God before, and now He gets it all, He gets it all, I, I had a, I had a period in my life when my son was riding motorcycles, my daughter was out doing drugs, and I was terrified, I was scared to death that they were going to die, and I mean, I was terrified, I'd went to a conference one weekend and the, and the Saturday, the Saturday morning speaker had lost a son to addiction, I believe, and then the next weekend we had a conference and the Friday night speaker had lost two sons, the Saturday speaker had lost a son, and the Sunday morning speaker had lost a son, and I came home and I am a freak, and I called my sponsor and I said, I think God's going to take Colby, and she goes, I don't think that was the message you were supposed to get, I go, well, that's what I got, and she said, she goes, I think the message is that all those people lost kids and they're all okay, they're all okay, they're still doing God's work, they're still talking about what their life, they're talking about their loss, but they've changed forever, but they're okay, I think that was the message you were supposed to get, I was like, yeah, that's not what I got, she goes, tell me, I thought you trusted God, and I said, I do trust God, and she said, well, do you not trust that he's going to take care of your kids, and I said, yeah, she goes, well, what are you worried about, I go, they could still die, and she said, oh, I see, you still want to control the outcome, and I said, what, she said, yeah, she said, you know, we trust God with everything, and God's going to take care of your kids no matter what, and she said, sometimes he takes care of them in this world, and sometimes he takes care of them in the next, and you don't get to choose, and that was a hard thing to hear, but let me tell you this, my son got in a horrible motorcycle wreck years later, it was bad, it was really bad, a lot of people knew about it, because I had people all over the world praying for him, and he had to have surgery, he had cuts and lesions on his brain, he had traumatic brain injury, he broke his nose, his inner and orbital bone was broken, his forehead was broken in seven pieces, they had to actually go up through the gums to fix his face, because there were so many broken bones and stuff, he had to have brain surgery a week later, I mean, it was a mess, and he survived, and his eyes were swollen shut, and when I got to the hospital the first night, you know, he couldn't see anything, but I was there, and the next day, or that night, he was, had got dinner, he wanted tomato soup, and I was having to feed him, because he can't see, and so I'm having to feed him, which I love, because it's like having a baby again, it's great, he's a grown man, I'm loving it, anyway, so I'm feeding him, and you know, the old me, I will tell you, would have said, I told you not to get on that motorcycle, I told you I hated him, I told you not to, you know, but I didn't say any of that, and as I'm feeding him, on the third spoonful in of tomato soup, he grabs my hand, and he goes, thanks mom, I go, for what, he goes, for not freaking
[00:50:02]
out, and I knew what he meant, for not telling him what he should have done, and not do, and I said, it's okay, I go, and he said, but I'm getting back on a motorcycle, eat your soup, anyway, and I'm going to tell you, a couple of years later, got on a motorcycle, had another wreck, not as bad, but bad enough, and I'm back in the hospital with him, and I still don't say anything, and I just trust him with God, I didn't know what was going to happen, I never know what's going to happen, but I trust him with God, our daughter's still out there, I told you earlier, she's still out there, I trust her with God, I don't get to choose today, I don't get to pick and choose today, what happens to them, or what's going on, God is everything or nothing, what is our choice to be, I believe to my core, when it says in the big book, and yes, I'm Al-Anon, but I do like the big book, inside every man, woman, and child, is a fundamental idea of God, and I believe that we all have that fundamental idea of God, we may not know what it is, we may not understand it, we may have to develop it, we absolutely are going to have to experience it, absolutely are going to have to experience it.
So I trust God with everything today, everything, even things that I don't get or I don't understand, and so the last thing has been the big thing lately, has been this, look, he pulls up, he knows, bless his heart, a little over three and a half weeks ago, I got diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had surgery last Thursday, and you know, they said, you know, we're going to do a lumpectomy, and then we're probably going to do some radiation, you're probably going to be good to go, and I got to tell you, I hadn't been scared or worried at all, I really haven't, I mean, and people have been amazed, they're like, aren't you, I'm like, not really, I mean, God is everything or he's nothing, what is our choice to be, and I think that he's everything.
On the way here, I got a call from my surgeon's office that they didn't get clear margins, we got to go back in again, and I don't know what's going to happen, I don't, no, it's not spread everywhere, don't think anything like that, again, I'm still not worried, still not scared, a little disappointed, didn't really want to do surgery twice, I figure you should have got it the first time, but anyway, but God is everything or nothing, God is our choice to be, and I really do trust him, I really know it's going to be okay, even if I don't get to know the outcome.
I don't know what's going to happen, I'm confident I'm going to be fine, I'm not saying that, I'm not thinking I'm going to die or anything, listen, I've used the cancer card a lot, trust me, it's been great. For the last three weeks, every time something happens, I go, I have cancer, leave me alone, I have cancer, I can't think of a word, you know, I'm sorry, I have cancer, I mean, I'm using it for everything, I don't care, I figure use it as long as I've got it, right?
Anyway, I really, but I do, I honestly, I trust this God today, and that has not been my experience the majority of my life, but I've chosen to trust him with everything, with absolutely everything, everything, and I don't get to choose today. And I'm going to tell a little story, Cliff has told this before, but he rarely does it, and it's one of my favorites, and I think it encompasses everything.
Because I think that everything that we have here is a gift, I think everything that we have in this life is a gift, and it all comes from God. So there's this drunk, and he's walking along the boardwalk, and he wants to be sober more than anything in the world, that's all he ever wants to be is sober. So God comes down and he says, I hear you want to be sober more than anything, and he said, I do.
And he said, okay. He goes, how much money you got? The guy, drunk, looks in his pocket, he goes, I got 20 bucks. He goes, okay, tell you what, give me the 20 bucks, I'll strike you sober. Drunk goes, deal, gives God the 20 bucks, God strikes him sober. He's like, man, thanks God, he's like, no problem. Guy starts walking away, and he goes, hey, God, listen, listen, I know you struck me sober, and I appreciate it, I really do, but how am I going to get gas for my car?
And he goes, if I don't have 20 bucks, how am I going to get gas for my car? And God goes, you got a car? And he's like, well, yeah, I got a car, and he's like, you didn't tell me about the car. He's like, if you want to be sober, I got to have the car, too. I got to have the 20 bucks, I got to have the car. Drunk thinks about it a while, and he's like, well, I want to be sober more than anything, so okay, you can have the car.
So he starts to walk away again, and he goes, but God, how am I going to get to work if
[00:55:02]
I don't have a car? And he goes, you got a job? You didn't tell me about the job, you got a job? And he's like, yeah, I got a job, and he's like, well, I got to have the job, too, dude, man, if you want to be sober, I got to have it all. I want the job, I want the car, I want the 20 bucks. And so the drunk goes, okay, God, you can have it. Starts to walk away again, he goes, okay, but God, if I can't get to my job, how am I going to support my family and pay the house?
He goes, oh, man, you have a house and a family, too, you didn't even tell me about this. You have a house and a family, a job, a car, and 20 bucks? And he's like, yeah, yeah, and he's like, I got to have it all. I need your family, I need your house, I need your car, you need your car, I need your 20 bucks, I need it all. Do you want to be sober or not? And he was like, yeah, I do, and he said, all right, you can have it all.
And the drunk starts to walk away, and God goes, wait a minute, wait a minute. You see, you can be sober, but this is not going to make you happy. If you don't have a house or a family, it's not going to be good for you. So I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you my house, and I'm going to give you my family, and I'm going to give you my car, and I'm going to give you my 20 bucks, and you are to be a good steward and to take care of my stuff.
And that is how the God of my understanding works for me today. Everything I have belongs to him, and I am here to take care of it and to be a good steward, because I have nothing, but he has it all. Thank you.