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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – 3rd Annual Woodstock Session 10004 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: stephanie-b-3rd-annual-woodstock-stephanie-b-al-anon-family-group-recovery-al-anon-date-unknown-archive-10004.mp3 Duration: 01:01:50
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Well, I am blessed to be in this beautiful spot and to be invited to participate in this powerful roundup, that it's all about the steps. I just, I really, I'm sitting there through every speaker and I'm in awe. I am in awe. My name is Stephanie B and I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon. Hi, Stephanie. Hi, everybody. And I would like to thank Anne and I'd like to thank Martha for making the contact and doing all that and then Eileen met me.
We've done some texting and it's just been wonderful and then she met me at the airport and I have to tell you the greatest thing about her for a hostess is she is excited about recovery and eating. You know, if you're flying in from San Antonio, Texas and you just, you know, you've been on the plane and then she says, well, would you like to go to the hotel or would you like to get something to eat and I said, whatever you think is best, well, we went to eat.
And I got to have a bite of Kentucky Derby pie. It was a bite because Eileen loves chocolate chip, pot of cookie stuff. Anyway, and then yesterday, we walked down here to this neat little restaurant, I think it's something Kingfisher's, I don't know, but had the best crab cake I have ever had in my life. I haven't had many because I'm from Texas but I did live here at one time in this area so I, oh, it was wonderful.
And so thank you, Eileen. You have been like a special angel to me. She's met all of my needs. She's so present. And you know what, when I went back after lunch, there's a six pack of water sitting on my thing. Did you do that? Yes. I'm telling you. I have been walking around saying, I need some water. I am so thirsty and I walked in the room and I went, oh, and I thought, Eileen. So anyway, and you know what, I think this is the neatest thing of all because, you know, I am grateful that the AA community was willing to share their 12 steps with the Al-Anon Fellowship.
Really. I can sit here and listen to these speakers who are in AA and I am learning and growing. And our steps are exactly the same except for one word. And that word is, you know, in the 12th step, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Well, we Al-Anons tried to carry the message to alcoholics for years and years and we got really, really tired of nobody listening so we decided the only word different for us in the 12 steps is instead of saying carry this message to alcoholics, we say carry this message to others.
And so it makes it so that we can and we can let you, any AA that needs to get well gets to work those steps and Al-Anons who need to get well get to do the same steps. And I just, you know, I love what Polly said this morning. She said when she came to Al-Anon, they said we are going to help you love them without killing yourself. And I will tell you that if you have been in love with an alcoholic, I don't know, I better talk about me.
I nearly died because I loved them and I couldn't figure out how to love them and be okay with who I am. I just couldn't do that and I tried for a very long time. So that was a little piece of, I just needed that, I really needed that. And then I loved when Howard was talking about fight or flight and I thought, you know, I think we do that too. You know, I kept saying, okay, I'm out of here. I'm just out of here.
And then when I went to an Al-Anon meeting one time, they said to me, well, you know wherever you go, there you are. Okay. Thank you very much. And then when I was listening to Ralph this morning and he was talking about the ego, I have to, I'm not a really, well, I am a good joke teller but I always forget the punch line. So this one was written down and I read it and I'm still not sure I'm going to get it right but I'm going to try.
Do you know the difference between you and God? Do you? No. You don't. Well, God never thought he was you. Now, isn't that a good one? You know, for us Al-Anons, I think we thought we were God. We thought we had to have it together.
[00:05:00]
We thought we had to make it be right, you know, and we thought we had the plan. I mean, we had the answers and if anybody ever asked, even my children, I could never say let me think about that or I'll get back to you. It was like you're on the spot, you better get it right because if not, oh my gosh. And then I came in here and you said, you know, think about the word pause. What? Yeah, no matter what anybody's asking you to do or anything you're involved in, think about the word pause.
Okay, I need to pause for a minute. And then I think that in that little pause, it's like Larry was saying today, it's that yellow light. You know, it's just a hold on, just a minute. Let me be sure it's not my will trying to control you and let me let a higher power be involved in this. So, anyway, I'm just glad to be here. I'm just, I really am. The Al-Anon literature suggests that I share with you in a general way how sick I got, how well I am, and what helped me to get well with the emphasis being on what helped me to get well.
And that's what I'm going to try to do this afternoon. So, I was born the oldest of three into a Catholic Italian family. Pretty sick. I just got born and there I was. But there is more to my story because I was born on Christmas Eve. Oh, yes. Me and Jesus. I came first. So, when I heard Ralph talk about the ego this morning, I was like, oh, yeah, right. I remember I used to think all of those songs in the malls at Christmastime were for me.
It's my birthday. Yay. Anyway, I was born in Midland, Texas and shortly after I was born, my family moved to San Antonio and that's where I grew up. So, when I got into the program and I realized that I had married an alcoholic, I wanted to find out what, how did that happen? How could it happen? I was such a good girl. I had done everything I was supposed to do. How on earth did I end up with him?
And so, through an inventory, I found out my mom and dad, I didn't have alcoholism in my family of origin. My mom and dad were social drinkers and they'd have a party every once in a while and there'd be a drink or two out there, but nobody ever, you know, we didn't have alcoholism in that family. So, it was like, so what happened? Well, my daddy was a workaholic. He held down three jobs to try to support our family.
My mother was one of eight children born on a dirt farm outside of Fort Worth, Texas and her daddy was a bootlegger. So, she has lots of siblings, had lots of siblings that had drinking problems. And so, I believe that my mother was raised in an alcoholic home. I believe that she was raised by an untreated Al-Anon. Now when, I need to tell you, an untreated Al-Anon is somebody that goes to meetings, works the steps, gets a sponsor, and reads the literature.
You are an untreated Al-Anon if you just hang out with the alcoholics and it gets on you. And so, I believe my mother was and is today an untreated Al-Anon and that's the home that I was raised in. At the same time, I was raised with some beliefs and one of the beliefs was if you do good you're going to get good. And if you don't, you better watch out. So I was scared to death of making a mistake. I had to get it right.
And so, I'm trying so hard. This is early on and I don't know if my mom and daddy said that or the church said that. I have no idea. What I know is that I was scared of making a mistake. And then as I grew up, I looked at you and you looked so put together and I felt so less than on the inside. And I don't know where that came from. I think it was just my little brain. I love this morning when we're talking about staying up here and trying to fix stuff.
You know, it can't be done. It just makes you crazy and I just think I got crazier and crazier watching you and thinking you had it all together. You had the answers and I didn't. And then the other thing that I have found that was a really big piece of my puzzle is that no feelings in my family were ever expressed or validated. I saw my daddy, my mama, get mad at my daddy one time in the 18 years that I lived at home.
My mama cried, she walked out, slammed the door, got in the car and drove off. So what I learned at that early age is that when people get angry, they leave. So my people pleasing was put in place very early on.
[00:10:04]
And I just, you know, everything at my house, you could never be anything but fine. Every time you asked us how we were, we were fine. Thank you very much. We are fine. We are fine. We are fine. You're never anything but fine. In fact, my mother had a sign she put in the front yard that said, we are fine. Thank you very much. Because it was about appearances. It wasn't about what was going on inside of us.
I never could tell you that I was scared. I never could tell you that I was angry. It took me a long time being in the program because before I could ever even say the words, I am angry. I did a lot of acting out. If you wanted to know how I felt, just look at my face. If I was happy, you'd have a smile. But if I was unhappy, there's this pouting and oh my gosh. So anyway, I'm a senior, we're in San Antonio, I'm a senior in high school and I fall in love with this man that I end up marrying.
His name is Bill B. And he and I dated for the four and a half years that we were in high school. And when we graduated from, well, the four and a half years we were in college. And when we graduated from college, we got married. And we moved to Austin, Texas. And so that's where I began our married life together and this beautiful journey that we were on. And as we're, you know, I get to be a school teacher, which is what I always wanted to do.
Bill's got a job he loves. So he's going to work and I'm going to my job and we're just this happy, loving, caring family. I mean, this couple, we're just great. And everything's going good. Now every once in a while, Bill would have to travel for his company and he would call me and he would say, you know what, we just had the greatest happy hour. You know, our whole meeting was wrapped around happy hour in this bar.
I said, oh. And then he came home one day and he said, you know what, they are serving free drinks on the plane. It is the nicest, I'm loving this flying. And then he would say, you know what, I've got to run and get up a six pack of beer. I'm going to mow the lawn and I need to have a drink. And so early on, I'm thinking, you have beer in the refrigerator? We didn't have beer in the refrigerator when I was growing up.
So I'm paying attention early on. Well, we had been married about three and a half years and I became pregnant. And all I've ever wanted to do besides teach school, even more than teach school, was to be a mommy. So now I can, I have to tell you this little story. We are in Austin. My Catholic Italian cousin is getting married in San Antonio. So I am eight months pregnant and Bill and I leave Austin and drive south to San Antonio and we're there for this big Catholic Italian gathering.
And it is beautiful. It's a Saturday morning and the church was just filled with relatives and there's, you know, they're so glad I'm pregnant and it's just like you're doing it right. And then we go to the reception and there's champagne flowing and everybody's just so happy to all of us be there. And so my cousin and his bride are going to fly to Hawaii for their honeymoon. So we all go out to the airport to say goodbye to them.
And as we are standing out there in the airport, I have different relatives come up to me and say your husband is the funniest thing. I have really enjoyed visiting with Bill. I'm going, hmm. And then somebody else comes up and says, you know, Bill has just kept us in stitches. The reason I'm a little bit skeptical is because Bill was raised by a single mom as an only child. And when you put him in these Catholic gatherings and these Italians are all together, he's not a happy camper.
But then I'm thinking, well, maybe he's decided to just go ahead and join in with the group. And so after a little while, he comes up and he says, Steph, I'll be back in a minute. I said, okay. So we're standing there and we wave goodbye to the newlyweds and they take off and we get ready to leave the airport and we can't find Bill. So we have him paged. We go up and down the ramps. We go out to the car.
There's no Bill. And finally my brother-in-law comes and he says, I found him. And I said, you did? Where is he? He said, he's passed out in the men's room. And I went, oh my goodness. Well we had to get an airport attendant to take the door off the hinges. We had to get a wheelchair. They held him up so I could fasten his breeches. And so I did that. And then we put him in the wheelchair. And then my brother-in-law says, would you like for me to push the wheelchair?
And I said, oh no, no. He's my husband. I will push the wheelchair. And so eight months pregnant, pushing the wheelchair, B's slipping out and I'm shoving him back in again. And we're walking out of the airport and my mother's walking beside me and she said, Stephanie, I cannot believe that your husband is drunk. I said, no, no, no, Mama. Bless his little heart. Now, if you ever hear me say, bless his little heart, I am having an Al-Anon slip.
I said, no, no, no, Mama.
[00:15:00]
He's not drunk. He's just sick. She said, Stephanie, Bill is drunk. I said, no, Mama, don't say that. He's just sick. Now the reason I'm telling you that story is because 19 years later, I am in a psychiatrist office saying, do you think he could have a brain tumor? I'm pretty sure he's got a brain tumor. Get on that sucker and pull it right out so we can get on with the rest of our lives. My denial was put in place on that July afternoon in 1969.
He's not drunk, he's just sick. Bless his little heart. Wish I had a penny for every time I'd said that. So anyway, so now in August of 69, a beautiful little baby girl is born and her name is Laura J and I'm so excited to have this beautiful little girl. And then 21 months later, our son Wes is born. So this is the perfect picture. I got to teach for a while and now I get to be a stay-at-home mom and I have two healthy children.
Thank you, God. So we're just on the road for happiness forever and ever. Well, okay, so Bill's drinking, of course. It is a progressive disease. I didn't know that but his drinking is escalating. I am trying to get everybody to be good and follow all the rules and Wes is. I'm telling you, Wes is just like his mommy. He just, yes ma'am, yes ma'am. Our daughter Laura, well, not so much. If there was a rule, she would break it.
And I could not get her to sit down and do what she was supposed to do when I wanted her to do it. And I was getting very agitated with her. And I would try to get her to be good. Do it right, Laura. Do it right. And so as we are growing, and then, you know, I think that in my little brain, I believe that if you love somebody, you spent time with them. And so every time Bill B went fishing, we all went fishing.
Every time Bill B went hunting, we all went hunting. Every time Bill B went bowling, we all went bowling. Because I believed if you love somebody, you loved them and you spent time. That love nearly killed three people. But, you know, I thought that's how you showed. I thought that's what it was about. You know, I didn't know. And I am watching Wesley's on the soccer field. He's trying to get his insides filled up by the outside just like his mama.
I was PTA president. I was a Brownie Scout leader. I was the treasurer of a service organization because the kids are growing up and they don't need me quite so much anymore. And Bill's drinking. I'm trying to count those and make sure that he's not having too many. And then, you know, I'm trying to get Laura to sit down and do what she's supposed to do. And I'm, it is, really, it is just very hard, hard, hard work.
But I have to tell you another little story. This time, this is about our border collie Flopsy, prettiest border collie you have ever seen. Flopsy's about to have puppies. She is pregnant. And I am so excited. We've never seen that before in our home. So I decided to shampoo Flopsy so that she would look pretty for delivery day. I didn't have anything else to do. And so, so I shampooed this beautiful dog and then I remember sometimes they're supposed to run and dry and sometimes you're supposed to towel dry them.
So I read on the bottle what am I supposed to do and it says do not use on pregnant dogs. And I was, oh my gosh, heart sick. So I called Dr. P., the vet, and I said, Dr. P., you will not believe what I've done. And he said, well, Stephanie, it's about two more weeks until those puppies are born. Let's just wait and see what happens. I said, okay. Well sure enough, two weeks later, the first puppy was born and it was born dead.
And I called Dr. P. and I said, Dr. P., I have killed these puppies. And he said, there's a whole bunch in there. Let's wait and see. Sure enough, about 30 minutes later, another puppy was born and it was born alive. So I called Dr. P. and I said, Dr. P., we have one that is healthy. And he said, good. And about another hour, another puppy was born and it was okay. So I called Dr. P. and I said, Dr. P., we have two healthy puppies now.
And about an hour later, another puppy was born and it was okay. So I called Dr. P. and I, you know, well, over the course of that day, Flopsy had seven puppies. I called Dr. P. after every puppy. And the last one was born and had trouble breathing. So I called Dr. P. and said, Dr. P., we've got one little one here and I don't know what's going to happen. And he said, do you have any whiskey in that house?
And I said, yes. And he says, well, put some on the end of a teaspoon, put it in the puppy's throat and massage it. It will break up all that phlegm and your puppy will be okay.
[00:20:00]
I said, okay, I think I can do that. And he said, and then Stephanie, I want you to sit down and drink the rest of that bottle. You know, that was a true story. If I could have, I would have. I was so tired. You know, I'm trying to get these puppies born and I thought I'd taken out that litter, you know, the responsibility of the weight of the world and, you know, and I've got this daughter who's breaking rules and I've got this son who I'm trying to say, you're the best, Wes.
Come on, you can do it. And I'm counting Bill's drinks. It was just an exhausting experience. And so, because Laura, she really was breaking these rules and we did not like that at all. So we decided to take her to a psychologist. And we said, would you please fix her? So he met with me, he met with Bill, and then he met with Laura. And then he brought the three of us back together. And he said, I need to tell you that of the three of you, your daughter is the healthiest.
Oh my gosh, Bill B was so angry. And he said, well, let me tell you what, I'm looking at you and I think you're drinking too much. And he said, and I'm looking at you and all you're doing is crying. And that's where, that's where it had taken me. All I could do was cry. And he said, and Laura, she's expressing her feelings. She's doing it inappropriately, but you know how she feels. So you know, Laura at that point, yes.
And it was just, we might as well have just thrown in the towel at that point. I mean, she really, she felt so validated, you know, which is of course what the program tells us to do, validate the feelings, but not the way she was expressing them. And so anyway, so Bill's drinking is escalating. I'm crying all the time because I can't figure out how to keep everybody in place doing the right thing.
And I wanted us to look good. And the sign from my mother's yard was in my front yard now. And we did say, we are fine, thank you very much. And it really bothered me when Laura would stand on top of the roof going, these people are crazy. These people are crazy. It's like, sit down and be quiet. So we were trying to do all of this. Well, this daughter of ours is beautiful. She is gorgeous. But she was born with a very protruding chin.
So we had to have an orthopedic surgeon came, is that the right thing, orthopedic? He came in and he cracked her jawbone and he slid her jaw back and then he wired her mouth shut. I love that part. Oh my gosh. It was the best. Anyway, when Laura was in choir, she would sing and her jaws would lock open. So we went in to do the surgery and do this and do this. But in the hospital room that morning, I had my first moment of clarity.
And I thought what I am doing is I am raising these children. I am doing this marriage and this family all by myself. Bill Buller wasn't there. He was passed out at home. And I started paying attention. I'm doing this and he's drinking and passing out. And I'm doing some more and he's drinking and passing out. So in July of 1985, I couldn't do it anymore. He walked in one night and he said, Stephanie, what's for supper?
And I told him and about ten minutes later he came in and said, what's for supper? That's when I thought he had the brain tumor. But you know, he had gotten all puffy. The vodka that he had been drinking, he wasn't fat, he was puffy. And I think it had just been absorbed into his tissues. And so I knew the man was dying. I knew he was dying. And so in that July evening, I said to him, Bill Buller, I love you so much, I cannot watch you kill yourself with booze.
And he's, what? I mean, I said, I love you. I can't do it. I said, you'll either need to get sober or you'll have to leave because I love you too much. Well, you know what he said, I'm leaving. But it's not because you asked me to, it's because I can't stand to live with you anymore. And I thought, in retrospect, I couldn't either. You know, but that, I couldn't do it. I didn't know what was happening, but I knew something terrible was about to happen and I couldn't stay there anymore.
So a few days later, one of the friends of Bill's from work called me, his name is Jerry, and he said, Stephanie, I understand you kicked B out. And I said, Jerry, I think he's dying. I said, he's drinking too much. And Jerry said, well, I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'd like to take you to a meeting. Will you go with me? And I said, yes. I would go anywhere. I'd had no other choices.
I didn't even know what we were supposed to do. So on July the 24th of 1985, Jerry took me to my first Al-Anon meeting.
[00:25:02]
And I walked in that meeting and I was crying. And y'all said, can we have your name? And I went, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee. And you said, that's okay, just keep coming back. And I went to the next meeting, hee, hee, hee, hee, you know, that's okay, just. But I heard some things. I heard some things that knocked me for a loop. I heard that alcoholism is a disease. I didn't know that. I thought Bill B just had to put the drink down.
What is the problem? I had no idea that it was a disease. I judged him every day for years and I found him lacking. I am so sorry. I did the best I could with the enlightenment that I had at the time. But then I heard you say that it is a family disease. And you said if you have raised children in an alcoholic home, you have raised sick kids. And I thought my heart would break. And then you said you need to go to meetings, you need to get a sponsor, you need to read the literature, you need to work the steps.
And I was going, hee, hee, hee, whatever. And so two weeks later Bill called and he said, Stephanie, I've been out at Willie's and I'm trying to sober myself up and I can't do it, I need some help. And so on August the 6th of 1985, Bill went into treatment. So we began the spiritual journey today, that day. And I thought, you know what, just get Bill sober and we will live happily ever after. Yes, that's the funniest thing you're going to hear come out of my mouth all afternoon.
But I thought that was it. I thought get him to stop drinking and we're all going to be fine, for real. And so I did what you told me to do. You told me to get a sponsor. And I had been sitting in meetings and I heard this lady speak and I thought, oh my gosh, I want to be just like her when I grow up. Her name's Blanche. And I thought, oh boy, Blanche, I want, you know, help me. I want to do it with you.
And so Blanche had this thing where we met every week for an hour until we were through with the ninth step. And we, I sat there on her couch and I would just, she would let me talk and I would talk for an hour. And five minutes right before the hour was over, she would say, would you like some feedback on that? I go, no, I just came to tell you how bad it was. And then there's Laura, you know, and so anyway, we did all of this, but she was wonderful.
But let me tell you what Blanche did for me, among all the other gifts she gave me. She said, we are going to change your concept of your God. You have a God that you are afraid of. You no longer have to have that God. I want to tell you some things about God. God cannot do bad. He can't. He only does good. He loves you no matter what. You can't earn it and you can't make it go away. Those are facts that I want you to know about God.
And every time I would sit with her, that's what she would say. I would go to an Al-Anon meeting and somebody would say, Stephanie, your God's too small. You need a bigger God. And I just, in the meetings, everybody was helping me to form a different concept for a higher power. So that when I did get to step three and four, I could really turn my life over and my will over. So, but you know what happened is I'm still crying.
I am in every meeting for almost a year and I can't stop crying. And I go to Blanche and I said, Blanche, Bill's getting sober. He's got a sponsor. I mean, we are like on this wonderful time together. We come together and he says, what's your meeting about? And I said, 11th step, what's yours about? Ours was about surrender. I mean, it was just wonderful. And I'm still crying. Why? And Blanche said, you are grieving the loss of a dream.
You never intended for your family to be held into the grips of alcoholism and you're grieving the loss of a dream. And so she said, it's okay to cry. It's okay. So I'm crying and, but I'm going to meetings and Bill's going to meetings and we're just really, it's amazing. And then there's Laura, our Laura, our beautiful Laura. She is now a senior in high school and she's got three months, two months till graduation and she's done something she wasn't supposed to do so we grounded her.
So on a Sunday afternoon after she's been grounded for a week she comes in and she says, hey mom I'd like to go to the UT baseball game, can I go? So Bill and I go and talk about it and we said yeah you can go
[00:30:00]
and you need to be home at six o'clock. Laura said I'll be here and we said goodbye. Six o'clock on that Sunday came and Laura didn't come home. Laura didn't come home on Monday. Laura didn't come home on Tuesday. Now, I'm a school teacher. I've gone back to teaching. I do believe that it is God's will for everybody to graduate from high school. So I am in the process of helping God do his will. So I am trying to find her and I am saying things like, if we can just find her and get her in and get her out.
That's all I want to do. Let's just get her through this time. And so I go to my meetings and y'all are saying things to me like, what would you be doing if this weren't happening? Oh my gosh, it is happening and I don't know what to do. And then I would call Blanche and Blanche would say, well, you know that God loves Laura more than you do. And then Bill would go to his sponsor and his sponsor would say, just love and accept her exactly where she is.
And Bill said, we don't know where she is. That's the problem. I mean, it was just one of those things. What are we going to do? We're both in the program. She's acting out. She's a senior in high school. Oh my gosh. Well, one afternoon when I was leaving my school, I had another moment of clarity. And the voice that I heard said, if what you're doing isn't working, try something different. And I thought, I have been trying to love Laura well and I can't do it.
So Friday afternoon of that week, the phone rings and it's Laura. She says, hey, mom, I'm going to be home in just a little bit, but I can't, I won't be there in time for this show. Would you please tape it for me? As if nothing had happened. And I said, Laura, I love you. And she said, mama, just just do that tape for me. I'll be there. And I said, Laura, I love you and you can't come home. And she said, what?
And I said, I love you and you can't come home. I was so at peace. I couldn't believe it. And she is rageful on the end of that phone. So I say it one more time. Laura, I love you. And I hung up. And it was like, oh my gosh. You know, that was one of those graced moments where God does for you what you cannot do for yourself. So Bill walks in about that time and he says, what's going on? I said, I just had a call from Laura.
He said, oh, thank goodness. Where is she? I said, I don't know. He said, what? I said, I told her she couldn't come home. He said, Stephanie, do you think that was a good idea? He hadn't been to any Al-Anon meetings. I said, I don't know, but she can't come home. She just can't. And so he said, okay. So that night I am in bed. I wake up. That graced moment lasted one moment. I am on my knees in the den going, oh, no, God, what have I done?
We've got to go find her. We've got to bring her home. Where is she? I don't know where she is. And I go to our Saturday morning Al-Anon meeting and I go in and I'm just, I don't know what I'm going to do. And one of y'all came up and you patted my hand and you said, did you know you could have a good day anyway? Oh, my God. I don't think so. You don't understand how bad this is. I don't know where she is.
But you know what? We had a good day that day. So Laura's gone. I'm praying. You know, I go to the meetings. And y'all just tell me keep coming back. You know, pray. God loves her more than you do. It's going to, you know, we're just going to see how her story's going to go. I said, okay. But Bill needed to do something. So he got on the phone and he found a treatment center that would take teenagers that had an anger management problem.
And so I called Laura, found out that she was at Cherie's house. And I called Laura and said, Laura, your daddy has found a place if you'd like to go and get some help. And she said, what do I have to do? And I said, well, we'll come pick you up in the morning. Fine. So we went to pick her up. Yeah. That fine had a different tone to it this time. And you know the word whatever? That was Laura's favorite word.
But she would roll her eyes. Whatever. You know, and then after a while, Blanche gave me a stone that had the word whatever on it. And I went, Blanche, a reminder. And she said, no, now it has a different meaning. Now you can go whatever, whatever. It's okay. But that day we picked Laura up. She's rolling her eyes. She's angry. Oh, my gosh. But let me tell you, I didn't think I could stand it.
[00:35:00]
She had been beat up in pool halls. She looked horrible. I cried all the way to Denton. I could not believe that this was our daughter. Oh, my gosh, it was horrible. So she gets out of the car and we leave her. I cry all the way home. The only good thing was that I knew where she was. That was the only thing that I felt good about. And she said, Mom, I need to ask you something. And I said, what? And she said, how would you feel about me being an alcoholic?
And I said, Laura, any 12-step program you want to latch on to is just fine with me. She said, we've been inventorying my drinking, Mom, and I've got a drinking problem. I'm an alcoholic. And this coming April the 6th, Laura will celebrate 26 years of sobriety. Oh, my gosh. I get goosebumps, God bumps today. But guess what? We had to go for family week. Don't you just love them? And we're sitting there and she's trying to get her daddy to make amends for something and Bill's not going to do it on Laura's timeline. And Laura gets angry and she gets up and she throws a chair against the wall.
And the counselor looks at us and says, I don't think she's ready to come home yet. You think? And so he suggested that she go to a halfway house in Minneapolis, Minnesota. So we take Laura to Minneapolis, Minnesota. Now let me tell you, I wanted Laura to graduate from high school. That was the only thing I wanted. God said, let's do that by having her do it by correspondence. And then let's give her a 12-step program to live the rest of her life by.
I would have cut it short. I would have limited it one more time. So now when Laura comes home and now Bill and I are standing in this open AA meeting and we're holding hands and I'm crying and, you know, but Laura's sober and every, I am just thrilled. I am so excited because now we're going to live happily ever after. Well, okay, maybe not. But now Wesley is a senior in high school and I know he's going to do it right because he always does.
So he wants to play football so he's out there doing two-a-days the summer before his senior year. And Wes gets really, really sick and he ends up in the hospital with viral meningitis. He has 104 temperature for seven days. I called Blanche and I said, Blanche, why would God do this to us? We're all on a spiritual journey today. Wesley's never hurt anybody. Why would God do this? And Blanche says, Stephanie, God didn't do this.
Your boy got a virus. God will sustain you no matter what happens. Now the difference between that hospital stay and the time when Laura was there is that Bill and I were together. We prayed together. We cried together. The AA's and the Al-Anon's were there. We went to Dr. R. and we said, Dr. R., he's going to be okay, right? And he said, I can't promise you that. And I thought, I don't know how I'll survive if Wes doesn't make it.
Well, he did make it. He did survive. But I will tell you, that was a time when I realized God doesn't do bad. That wasn't about God punishing anybody. That was about an illness. And God sustained us through it. So Wes is a senior in high school and he's about to graduate. And I'm hoping we have that Kodak moment. And we do. And oh, thank you, God. One out of two, we make it. Because we need to look good.
I'm getting better about that. When I got into Al-Anon, it was like, it's not so much about what y'all think about us. Yeah, right. Well, okay. It's lessened. It's lessened. Now, everybody, we're all just doing great. Wesley started the University of Texas and Laura's got a job and I'm teaching and Bill's working and we're going to meetings and we're just having the best time. And then Bill comes home and he says, how would you like to move to Reston, Virginia?
And I said, why would we do that? And he said, because I'm tired of getting on airplanes. And he said, but the kids are out of the house. And he said, so I won't have to travel anymore. And I said, okay, let's go. Now, the reason I said that is because houses in Austin, Texas were not selling in 1990. We weren't going anywhere. Two weeks. Our house sold in two weeks. Oh, my gosh. Now, I am hyperventilating. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Oh, my gosh, I didn't think we were going to do this and the AAs and the Al-Anons are there and they're helping us get the house
[00:40:04]
and I'm crying, of course, you know, and so Tom, wonderful AA guy, comes up and he puts his arms around me and he says, Stephanie, what is your problem? And I said, well, I love Bill and I want to go with him, but I don't think I can go. And he said, what? And I said, I can't leave our children and I can't leave my sponsor and I can't leave my gynecologist and I can't leave my grocery store and I can't, you know.
And he said, oh, Stephanie, he said, you know what you have in Austin, Texas, why don't you go see what they have in Reston, Virginia? And you know what? They have Al-Anon in Reston, Virginia. They don't do it right, but they have Al-Anon in Reston, Virginia. Right, Paul? We moved somewhere and we're thinking, wait a minute, wait a minute, y'all aren't doing that right. So I called Blanche. Blanche, you won't believe this meeting I was in. She said, what happened?
I said, I don't think they mentioned a higher power one time. And I said, they're talking about their day. And I said, I don't know what, and she said, what are you doing? And I said, I'm telling them how we do it in Texas. She said, you might want to stop doing that. And I did and the meetings got all better. So now I am telling you, Bill and I are on like a second honeymoon and I've got a teaching job in this little school and he's got a job he loves and we've opened our home. We're having a big book study every Wednesday night in our house.
And I mean, we're just, this is wonderful. And the kids are in Texas and every once in a while we get a call and we say, love you, bye. And it is just, you know, it's wonderful. I can detach if you take me thousands and thousands of miles away. So I am detaching. And so the phone rings one day and it's Laura and she says, Mom, I've got something to tell you. And I said, what is that? She said, I found Wes passed out in his apartment last night.
I said, no, you didn't. I said, because he saw you lose your home because of alcoholism. He saw your daddy nearly die of alcoholism. Wesley is not going to take a drink. She said, Mom, I took him to his first AA meeting today. So on January the 10th of 1991, Wesley began his spiritual journey. Yeah. So I called Blanche and I said, Blanche, I need to know how many miracles does one family get? And she said, what? And I said, I think we've used all of ours up.
And she said, you are limiting God one more time. And I said, okay. So now when we come back to Texas and we're all standing in an open AA meeting holding hands, I'm still crying, but oh my gosh, my heart is filled with gratitude. So then I get another phone call. It's Laura. Hey, Mom, I got something to tell you. Okay, Laura, what? I'm pregnant. I said, no, you're not. She said, Mom, I'm going to have a baby. I said, no, Laura, you're not.
I said, no, Laura, you're not. She said, mother. And I said, Laura, honey, first you have the wedding and then you have the baby. We didn't have a wedding. We are not going to have a baby. She says, Mom, I'm pregnant. I said, no, Laura. She said, do you want me to have an abortion? I said, no. She said, do you want me to give the baby up for adoption? I said, no. And she said, what do you want? And I said, I want for you to not be pregnant.
Blanche said, you are opting for one of your unavailable choices. Oh, my gosh. Now, I still am worried about what you think. So I don't tell anybody. I'm going to keep it a secret. Because it is a reflection on my parenting. It is certainly a reflection on y'all. I mean, she's been sober five years. Come on. So I didn't say anything. One night after our big book meeting on a Wednesday night, everybody's getting ready to leave and I call Rita over.
And I said, Rita, come here. I need to tell you something. She said, what? And I said, it's bad. It's really bad. It's really bad. She said, what? And I said, Laura's pregnant. And Rita went, oh. And I said, no, you don't understand. I said, she's not married. And Rita went, oh. And I said, Rita, this is bad. She said, Stephanie, isn't it a shame that you have to judge everything and you find it not to be to your liking?
Can't you just say it's what is? It's just what is. On June the 6th of 1992, The most beautiful baby girl you have ever seen was born. Her name is Stephanie Grace. Oh my gosh. It was the happiest day of my life. And I would have missed it.
[00:45:00]
It didn't look right. Bill's there sober. Wes is there sober. I'm there crying. But this beautiful… beautiful baby is born. We didn't need to have a marriage license. Oh my gosh. Grace is a miracle. Oh. Well, I need to tell you a little story about Grace. She's in first grade and the teacher asks the children to stand up and introduce themselves. My Grace stands up and she says, My name is Grace. I'm an alcoholic and I've got seven years of sobriety. And the teacher says, What? And Grace is her mother's daughter so she puts those little hands on her hips and she says, Didn't you hear what I said? I'm an alcoholic. Grace has been going to meetings since before she was born. She never heard anybody introduce themselves any other way. My name is and I'm an alcoholic and that's what Grace did. Oh my gosh. So one day she goes to Northland, the club in Austin, and she says to Gerald, I want to buy a big book. Gerald says, Okay. She says, How much they cost? He said, Grace, how much money do you have? She says, I got this much. He says, That's how much a big book cost. So Gerald sold Grace her first big book. And then Grace turns around and she says, Now I need a sponsor. Oh my gosh. I would have missed it. I would have missed it. I am so sorry that it had to look right. Grace was 20 last June. Oh my gosh. She is still the love in my heart. She calls me Grandma Dash because I'm so slow.
No, she doesn't. My brother named me that a long time ago. Anyway, she is just a joy to me and I adore this child. And she's had a rough road but you know what? She knows where to go. So if she ever needs help, she knows it's okay to ask for help, which none of us, I mean, I didn't know that. So now, that was in 1992. In 93, I get a call from San Antonio and my daddy had an abdominal aneurysm and it ruptured and he died instantly.
And I was devastated. I loved my daddy. But as sad as I was that daddy had died, that's how grateful I was that I had been in the 12-step program. I had made amends to my daddy. Everything was clean and clear. I have not one regret. So now I have to tell you the part of my story that I wish I didn't have to share with you. You know, I read something the other day that says one of the things you cannot change is the past. And this is something I wish I could change but I can't. In 1994, with eight and a half years of sobriety, Bill B could not live with his humanness and he committed suicide. I thought I would die. Bill had been suffering from depression on and off most of his adult life and he had taken himself off of his antidepressants. And I want to tell you something. You really need to hear this. Number one, AA works. Bill cherished his sobriety. Depression is an illness and if it goes untreated, it will kill you. The hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life was to call our children. And Laura says, Mama, Daddy loves you too much. He wouldn't do that. And I called Wes and he says, Mama, Daddy would never go off and leave you. He loves you too much. It's not about love. It's about an illness. People said to me, well, you saw it coming? No. We had been to the grocery store and out to dinner the night before. I had no idea. I knew that he was off of his antidepressants because he said he felt good. I went to see a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist said this was a moment of insanity for your husband. And so that, you know, this is one of those deaths where
[00:50:05]
there's no answers. We have all these questions and we have no answers. So it was suggested that I get some therapy. And Blanche said, you need some help, Stephanie. You can't do this by yourself. So I saw a lady named Nancy and what Nancy said to me is you have been traumatized. She said I want you to hear the difference between grief and trauma. She said trauma is when your life changes in one instant and will never be the same again.
She said that's trauma. She said it's like grief. It just brings on more stuff. And you think you're going crazy. I thought I was. They decided that they wanted to have a service for him in Reston before we took his body back to Texas. And we are there and, you know, my teacher friends are coming and AA and Al-Anon and Bill's work and one of my teachers came up to me and she said, who are all these people? She said you've only lived here four years.
I've lived here 20. I don't know half this many. I said this is my family. You told me when I came that I would never have to do anything alone again. And you kept your word. You held my hand through that entire process. We brought him back to Texas and we had a beautiful graveside service. The kids wanted me to come back home and I said no. I said my home really right now is in Virginia. It's where I need to be. But I would talk to Blanche as often as I could. And I had gotten a Virginia sponsor, but you know what?
She didn't know what to do with me. She brought some bagels to the house after Bill died and she left them there and she said tell Stephanie I'm sorry. And you know what? That's okay. This is too big for a lot of people. But there was a lady sitting in my meetings and her name was Dawn. And Dawn called our house and she said if Stephanie needs somebody I'll be here for her. And Dawn became my Virginia sponsor. Dawn knew pain and she held me and let me cry. What a gift. What a gift. She validated that it was okay. That we together were going to make it. The next year both of my children got married. I talked to Nancy about that because it felt like a loss. And Nancy said when children your children's age lose their family unit they may find it necessary to recreate it as quickly as they can. She said this might be a practice marriage for your children. And it was. Laura got married in April. Wes got married in August and they were practice marriages for those two. Now almost two years later to the day I walked into the house and I said he's not coming home. It took two years for me to get the information that Bill had died from my head to my heart. I just walked in and it was like wait a minute he's not coming home. It was as if I had been waiting. It had to have been a bad dream. So that day I called Laura and Wes and I said I think I'm coming back to Texas. And Laura said to stay? And I said yeah I think I am. Now what had happened is after Bill died or while Bill was working he had put money into an account and they had taken care of it and everything. So Bill had we had this lump of money. Well we've never had money and I didn't know what to do with that money. So the teachers would say are you going back to Austin? I said no it's gotten too big. I said you know what I've never lived in a new house and I'd like a new house. And I found out when I was in Virginia I love the water. I would love to be near the water. And you know what in Virginia the trees are so tall you can't see the sunset.
I miss the sunsets. And God said well how about if I give you a brand new house on Lake LBJ and we're going to let the sun set over Pack Saddle Mountain right out your back door. And that's my home. And I am so excited. And so now I have this home and Grace and I are going to travel to AA conventions together and you know I'm just so happy. I called the guy in Virginia that I had invested all that money with and said Bruce please send it down to Marble Falls. And he says we'll do. And we wait and we wait and we wait and the money doesn't come. So I call him again and say you know Bruce I really want to do eye contact with the guys. Fine I'm going to put the check in the mail and it didn't come. Bruce stole almost $300,000. So now I am in a new house and I have not enough money to make
[00:55:05]
a house payment. And I don't know what I'm going to do. Wes says to me God didn't bring you this far to drop you off now mom. Laura says you have to pray for clear and concise direction mother. Get on your knees. Laura I'm on my knees. What are we going to do? You know I'm calling Don and Don says I'm praying for you Stephanie. Thank you Don. I call Blanche and Blanche says it's alright sweetie let's just pray. You know we've got to see whatever God's will is for you. Well you know what God's will for me was? He decided to build an elementary school 7 minutes from my house and they needed a first grade teacher.
Can you believe it? Oh my gosh I was so excited. I had a job. And then when I got that first paycheck and I opened it up and it wasn't enough for a house payment and I started laughing. I said you know what God I did the footwork I guess you're going to take care of the money. And he's been doing just fine ever since. So I need to tell you every time somebody would say to me at that time how are you doing? I would just start crying. It felt like another death in the family. So I pressed charges against Bruce. He went to prison for two years.
That's as much as the judge could give him. I have a friend in Virginia who was acting as my attorney and she says now we're going to court. You need to be sure and don't cry. This is a business deal. You just need to go in and say it. So I walk in there and the judge says may I have your name please? And I would, Stephanie Ballard. Vince goes oh my God. So anyway she says Ms. Ballard I am so sorry this has happened to you. Two years is the maximum I can give him. I hope you can get on with the rest of your life. But you know what? I had been sitting in enough AA meetings that you told me to pray for Bruce and I have been praying for Bruce every day since. It started out not very nice. But I now pray for Bruce and his family every single day. So now I need to hurry. So now I am back in Texas and Blanche and I are together and Dawn and I are long distance and I am teaching school and I just have this little red car. It's the only problem. This car has over 100,000 miles on it and I do not know how you make car payments when you don't have any money.
And so Blanche is entering sweepstakes for me. She is pretty sure she is going to win me a car which I think is just miraculous. And so that's what she is trying to do and I am saying, I am praying, I am praying. And so in the year 2000, Blanche was in an accident and she was in the hospital and her hospital was about an hour and a half from my house. So I got in that little red car and I would just go like crazy to get there and I would get there and walk into her hospital room and she would say, how is your car? And I would say, Blanche, come on, let's just get you out of this hospital. But she was really worried about it. And so Blanche did not sustain her injuries and she died. And so her daughter calls me and she said, Stephanie, if you want to say goodbye to Blanche, you better hurry. I got in that little red car and I said, you know, God, I didn't get to say goodbye to Bill and I didn't get to say goodbye to my daddy. Please let me say goodbye to Blanche. And I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. I was praying she would see all the lives that she touched because she was willing to share. So they had a memorial service for Blanche and her daughter called and asked if I'd say a few words and I said yes. And so that morning, Laura calls. She says, Mama, you are going to tell them how grateful we are to Blanche, aren't you? And I said, Laura, you hated Blanche. And she said, Mama, she wanted you to not accept unacceptable behavior. She wanted you to teach me that there were consequences for my choices. She wanted you to not accept the behavior that I was doing. And if it hadn't been for Blanche, she said, I think I would have died. And I got to share that. So now, two or three months later, her daughter calls and she says, I don't know if you're going to understand this or not, but I had a visit from Mom last night.
And I said, okay. And she said, and she's worried about your transportation. Oh, good. And she said, she wants you to have her car. And I said, oh, I could never take Blanche's car. She says, then you're going to have to argue with my mother and God. Well, Blanche was driving a brand-new Cadillac, had 23,000 miles on it, and it was all paid for. Oh my gosh. Now see, all I wanted was to make a car payment. God said, let's just give you a Cadillac, Stephanie. So I drove that car for 10 years. It had over 150,000 miles on it. When I sold it, I cried.
[01:00:01]
said are you alright, I said you wouldn't understand, anyway so I'm doing great, Laura is sober today, Wesley, he was sober for 12 years, he was thrown from a horse, it fell on him, broke his back and Wes got hooked on Oxycontin, but he has been clean now for the last 5 years, so we are back doing okay, Grace is Grace, I adore her, Wes got married again for another time and gave me another granddaughter, so I have a 6 year old and a 20 year old granddaughter, so I am blessed, I am teaching school in Granite Shoals, my home group is Marble Falls, ODAT, one day at a time, meeting Monday night 7.30, if y'all ever can get there we would just love to have you, you know I hope that I can remember what I have learned because I was willing to sit in meetings and have sponsorship, unbelievable, don't limit God, don't limit him, and then Dawn, bless her heart, every time we talk she says, are you in present time, no, I am worried about what I said yesterday or what I am going to say tomorrow, and she said, Stephanie, this is right where it is, and then the other day she said to me, don't we serve an awesome God, and when she said that it just took my breath away, and I said, yeah we do, I am so blessed, you have listened and I thank you for that.