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Source: Mari G – From Toronto, Canada – Date Unknown.mp3 File: mari-g-from-toronto-canada-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:14:48
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Conference, and I've been talking to her this weekend, and we've had a great weekend. I showed her Cleveland by accident, you know, she got a tour of the city, yeah, and I can't wait to hear what she has to say, honestly, I'm very excited. So without anything else, I will give you Mari from Toronto. Thank you, Triana, thank you, he's so cute, if I was a hundred years younger, I'd say come here, little boy, I'll take care of you.
My name is Mari, and I am an alcoholic. My dry date is the 10th of August, 1984. My group is a shepherd group in Toronto. We have an open meeting on a Tuesday night, on a Thursday night we have a big book study. If you're ever in Toronto, I'm in the book, my last name is Gallagher, please give me a call and we'd love to have you there. My sponsor is Norma, Norma L., and I am an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I would like to thank Dolly so much for inviting me to come here, and you know, you are wonderful, you are a wonderful communicator, and I see you give selfless service, and thank you so much for allowing me to participate with this wonderful group of women, it's marvelous.
Now, Tia Triana took me on a magical mystery tour. I said, how long is it, she said, 20 minutes, so after about an hour, but actually she's seven months sober, and she did a fantastic job. She really did, she did. I usually don't want anybody to get me coffee that's got less than five years, you know. So she did great. I would like to thank the speakers that I've heard so far, Penny and Bridget, absolutely wonderful talks, thank you so much.
Where's Bridget, I wonder? She here? Bridget, thank you so much, thank you. And Gail for that wonderful presentation you gave, it was fabulous. And I'd like to thank Bill for the service that you give in providing these tapes, it's what I sobered up on, and it's a wonderful service they give, and I hope I haven't forgotten anybody. I'd like to thank the committee for that great bag of goodies that was in my room, and for all the great kindness that I receive.
I think kindness is the essence of spirituality, and I'm so grateful for it. And you know, it is wonderful to be in this area of Ohio with all you wonderful sober women. It is such a treat. And I hear Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob's name interspersed in all the conversations, and it's a fabulous thing to be here in the birthplace of Alcoholics Anonymous. I consider it my Jerusalem, you know, I really do, you know, and it could only have ever happened in the United States of America.
I think I've said that before, but it bears saying again, that if it wasn't for the freedom of religious thought that allowed for a God of our own understanding, which is the crux of this program, then this wouldn't have happened anywhere else in the world. So how fortunate we are. And there's a lot of newcomers here tonight, and I'm so grateful that you're here. Thank you for being here. And you know, you're going to hear me talk about alcohol, but I don't just talk about alcohol, I talk about the illness of alcoholism.
And by the way, I don't want to forget, Deb Tomorrow is a wonderful speaker. We've spoken a few times this year, looking forward to it, Deb. I speak also about the illness of alcoholism, because you see, our problem is not just alcohol.
[00:05:01]
If our problem was just alcohol, then we could put the plug in the jug, and it would all be beautiful, and we wouldn't be coming to these meetings for the rest of our life. The fact is, we're here because we're not all there. Some of us are still a few cents short of a dollar, if you like. And so therefore, what I deal with, too, is the illness of alcoholism, because the illness of alcoholism is what permeates our life.
And it will be there as long as we are breathing. And what we get, you see, we have an illness that is threefold. It's mental, physical, and spiritual. Where our continuance of priority is contingent on our spiritual condition. And it is the spiritual condition that we strive towards, because that is the psychic change that we need so badly. Dr. Silkworth, when he wrote in The Doctor's Opinion, he said, you know, prior to the formation of Alcoholics Anonymous in 1935, we realized that alcoholics needed some kind of moral psychology.
But they didn't know how to apply it. And what is more, you know, Bill says in the big book, we're writing a book that is both moral and spiritual. And I certainly needed some moral values long before I drank. You know, it baffles me when I look back on my life, even before I drank, at the way I lived my life, coming from the lovely home I came from. You know, I came from a lovely home in Glasgow, Scotland.
You know, I've said it before, I'll say it again, my parents were Irish and Scots. And I say that half of me wanted to drink all the time, and the other half didn't want to pay for it, you know. You know, growing up Irish in Scotland, I felt like a leprechaun in a Presbyterian church. I was always looking for magic and there wasn't any, you know. And I needed a solution. You know what it seems like to me?
It seems as if just before I was being born, God had us all sitting in kindergarten in heaven. The kindergarten for earthly experience. And he started talking about behavior and how to behave on this world earth. And I dropped asleep. And when I came to, I was down there already. And I had no clue how to behave. None. And also, another thing about me is I was incapable of taking instruction. I hated any kind of behavior, that if you told me how to behave, I was a rebel.
And that was when I was two. And I caused my poor parents no end of distress. You know, my mother was such a lady, always had her hat and her gloves. She was president of the Union of Catholic Mothers. And she didn't know what to do with me, and my family didn't know what to do with me. And I didn't know what to do with me, you know. And the thing is that, you know, people used to say to me, what's your problem?
And I didn't know what my problem was. You know, I was born on high alert, you know. So everybody that was around me was always shaking and twitching, and, you know, they didn't like being around me. And I didn't make friends easily, because I was aggressive and hostile. And so, you see, when I said in the big book that it didn't do to be told we were outright mental defectives, or in full flight from reality, I really identified with that.
You know, I always knew there was something wrong with me, because people were always saying to me, there's something seriously wrong with you. So therefore, what was I going to do? I did the best I could. I did the best I could. I did the best I could with this. You see, and it behooves saying again, that do not think that having a high IQ is any benefit to either you or humanity as a whole. You know, lots of alcoholics have a high IQ, but try telling an al-anon that, you know.
What did a high IQ did for me? I never completed anything I ever started. I was forever pushing doors that said pull. I had no idea how to open a box, because I never read where it said open.
[00:10:03]
You know, and I went through my life like that. It's almost like I was encased within myself. When it says in the big book that our problem is self, and we have to get rid of this self or it will kill us. You know, my problem was self. I was encased in self. I was very encased in self. I used to talk to myself, self, why don't you do that? Self, why don't you do that? I used to go to Ireland, and when I went to Ireland to see my family in Ireland, they'd say it's herself, you know.
It's herself. And you know, the neighbors who used to come over used to look at my mother, and they'd look at me and they'd say to my mother, she's not right, you know. And if you're not right in Ireland, you're not right anywhere, trust me. You know, Ireland's an open air asylum. So I knew I was doomed. But you see, because I felt like that, and because I was educated in a convent by wonderful nuns, I mean wonderful nuns, who, you see, I have an amazing capacity to make spiritual or benign, well-adjusted people behave like morons.
It's just a natural ability for me. So having the best offer to me by these Franciscan nuns and this education, and you see, I had been a high achiever up until about age 12, prizes for general excellence, and then I got bored, you know. And I didn't know a drink would fix whatever was wrong with me, but I was on some kind of path to destruction. I was on a road to perdition I didn't even know I was on.
You know, I was looking for something, and I didn't know what I was looking for. And it seemed to me that everybody around me had ease and comfort. And everybody around me knew the answer to a question, and I didn't even know what the question was. So I felt alienated. I felt as if I was on the outside looking in. I felt less than. I had low self-esteem. I did not like myself. Part of the reason I didn't like myself is from when I could think about it.
If you had something I wanted, I'd take it from you, and thank you very much for giving that to me, even though you didn't know it was me that had taken it. And I started lying and stealing, so no wonder I didn't like myself up to age 12. And then I just went on a cart load down to hell, and got into a lot of trouble, had to leave the convent at 15, and then went on my merry way. And eventually I went into nursing, and I got very bored with nursing.
But what happened to me around this time, and Bill Wilson suffered from this too, and I'll tell you what this was. To me, I understand it today, even though a psychiatrist has never explained it to me. Now, bear in mind I hadn't had a drink, I hadn't had a pill. Even though I live in a crazy family, you know, I have an aunt who can be sitting having a cup of tea, and all of a sudden she freezes in time.
And people will go up and say, what happened to her? And my family say, she's just away, she'll soon be back. So what happened to me was, and one day I was sitting with my mother, I can't remember how old I was, but I certainly wasn't 17, I don't think. And I saw this program about the Holocaust and everything, either on BBC, radio, or TV. And I began to feel this panic coming on me, this thing about death.
And I began to imagine that when I died, I'd still be alive, and I'd be in limbo forever, in a conscious state. And I had a horrendous panic attack, and I ran and locked myself in the bathroom. And when I came out afterwards, my mother asked me what happened. I said, I don't know, I thought I was going to die, I couldn't breathe, my heart was beating very fast, it was a nightmare. I said, I don't know what it was.
And my mother said, oh, everybody feels like that. So those panic attacks continued intermittently throughout my life, up until I came to AA. And nobody was able to help me. And I never told anybody. And all it did was alienate me further. Another bizarre part of my behavior was, because I began to feel so alienated, I didn't like people. I got tired of attacking people. I got tired of attacking people, if you like, and, um, I used to go out at night and pretend to be deaf and dumb.
[00:15:06]
I learned the deaf and dumb language on two hands, and, uh, so that will tell you enough that I was not well. I was not well. You know, it says in the Big Book, what is this but a miracle of healing? What is this but a miracle of healing? My God. It's amazing stuff. We are the luckiest people in the world. And, you know, when I came in here, you were all like that. You know, I used to tell you about how I was feeling.
You'd say, oh, I felt suicidal and like a panic attack last night, but I had two Mars bars and phoned my sponsor. Oh, okay, you know. There is a solution, you know. There is a solution. So then I decided to go to London, England, and I joined British Airways. I was 21, and I joined the British Airways uniform, and that became my persona, my mask, my persona. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged to a group.
And I had a marvelous job flying all over the world. And I was an overseas escort, which means I didn't serve meals. I went with people who were sick or unaccompanied school children. No, the only thing about that fabulous, fantastic job was I didn't like people. And I have panic attacks, and I'm encased in this plane with these people. You know. Such was my dilemma. So I said to myself, self, if you get married, you'll be well.
Find yourself a nice man to marry, and you'll just be like everybody else. So I found a nice man, and he married a figment of my imagination. And he took me to live in Kingston, Jamaica. And in Jamaica, I had everything that money could buy. I was, I may have been crazier than a hoot hole, but I was not insane. I married a rich man. And he had five homes on the island. I had my BMW. And after a year, my first son was born.
And after he was born. Now, here's the difference between me and a normal person. It says in a big book that we'll never be normal. Now, I knew that. But here is the difference as I see it. Remember, this is only it. What I'm doing here is sharing my experience, strength, and hope. It's just how I see it. What should have been the happiest time of my life? When I'm married, I have no financial problems.
I have everything that money can buy. And then I have this little boy that has these huge black eyes. They seem to have been open from the time he was born. Staring at me into my soul. Little boy, I said, I'll always love you. I'll never leave you. I love you so much. And a few days after he was born, I thought I was going insane. Finally, irrevocably, I was descending into madness. And I would never come back.
That is how I felt. Now, another woman who did not have… Because what I'm describing to you is my precondition for the illness of alcoholism. My personality that is just waiting for alcohol. Take someone else who felt all of those things. And at that moment, when she thinks she's going over the edge, you could have given her a drink. And she'd have had the drink. And she'd have said, I'm still going mad. Give me a pill.
And they'd have taken her away to the psych ward. Someone said to my husband, give her a drink. And he gave me a drink. And I drank that drink. And I drank a second drink. And I think I drank a third drink. And suddenly I got that thing. You know that thing when you drink? It goes… How long has this been going on? It is so beautiful.
[00:20:05]
Memories. Alcohol did for me what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me in these 27 years. Alcohol gave me a sense of ease and comfort. Alcohol made me feel as if I was alright with the world. Alcohol made my skin fit. Alcohol, as Dr. Silkworth says in the big book, when he talks about people like us, enabled me to have a form of living, a normal form of living, a normal way of living. Ease and comfort.
And when something makes you feel that good, you'll drink every day. And I drank on a daily basis. Nobody knew how… One of the, I think, believe, the signs of alcoholism is an amazing tolerance. We can drink copious amounts of liquor in the beginning. Copious amounts. Can't we, Kim? Yeah. Copious amounts. And I proceeded to have my little boy, be a good mom, try and be a good wife to my husband. You see, when I married him, I made a promise to myself because I had been…
I'd led such an immoral life up until marrying him. And I'd been promiscuous, I'd stole, I just… And you look at me on the outside, and I look like I had it all together. I had done some rotten things, terrible things before. And I thought, when I marry this man, have a baby, I'm going to be a good girl. And it was my intention to be a good girl, even though I had no concept what a good girl looked like.
I wanted to be a good girl. But then, you see, self is there. I call her Tessie. And Tessie tells me to do things. And sometimes I let Tessie out, and I can't put her back in again. So I started doing what I did, and not behaving well. By the time my second son was born, and I'll say this to you women, I drank every day I was carrying my second child. And the only way I'd been able to have any… Get over the horrible shame of that and the disgust with myself is to know that I was beyond human aid.
That I was one of those alcoholics, because women go down the road very quickly. I had lost the power of choice and drink. I could not decide not to drink. I had lost the power of choice. And I am so grateful that my boy was not born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Because I saw a little girl the other day at a meeting. And she came up to me afterwards, and she was crying. And I said, what's wrong, darling?
She said, my little eight-year-old boy, he was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. And he looks like he's about four. And I just held her and rocked her. And I'm so grateful. I don't know. You see, I wouldn't say but for the grace of God, because God's grace is there for me, and it's there for that dear little girl as well. I don't know. Let's just say it's nature, if you like. And my second son was born.
And by that time, the cucumber had become a pickle. And I was in a lot of trouble. And I had a personality change again. And I became obnoxious. Various examples of that. And one of them is that my dry cleaner, he didn't do my clothes according to my specifications. And in Jamaica, they have open storefronts. And I just ran in. I actually ran away so I could get leverage to jump over the counter. And he was a poor little Chinese man.
And one of my husband's business associates was passing, and they called my husband, and they called the police.
[00:25:01]
I mean, in Jamaica, in the society I was in, you don't behave like that. Also, I'd go to the country club, and I'd be all dressed up to the nines. And this is the country club where I used to go, and everybody was happy to see me and invite me to functions. And now they're telling me, Mary, we're having a party. Please don't come. And so I'd go, and I'd be all dressed up. And about two hours or an hour later, I'd be lying under the table, disheveled.
Or else if somebody had not answered me properly, I thought, I thought, because I am extremely sensitive. And I know when you're looking at me weird. Even if you're way over there, and I can only see with one eye. I know you're looking at me weird. So if you wouldn't come when I told you to, I'd smash a bottle and challenge them to a duel. The other thing I got when I drank was jealous. So my husband would be dancing with somebody on the floor.
And they have a term in Jamaica called rent a tile. And that means that when you're dancing close, you just dance on this little one tile. And I always swore he was renting a tile. Too close. So I'd be watching him. And then I'd go up and I'd tap her on the shoulder. And I'd say to her, do you want him? You can have him, you know. All he has to do is take me home. And he'd run me off the floor. And then he'd take me home.
And my husband developed this tick. On my, you know. And that was because when he took me home, he would lecture me about my behavior. And I would say to him, if you drop asleep tonight, I'll kill you. And he would go. And one night he did drop asleep and I hit him over the head with a piece of mahogany. And he had no sense of humor. None. He actually reported me to his parents. And then he called my mother.
In Scotland. He says to my mother, there's something seriously wrong with your daughter. I had to help her cope. My in-laws came to me. And they said, you know, we don't know what's wrong with you. When you came here, you were such a nice girl. We were delighted to have you as a daughter. And now you're shaming us. You're shaming our family. Your behavior is bizarre. They didn't know how much I drank.
Right. And they said we don't, you know. And you said you were a Roman Catholic. And now you don't seem to believe in anything. You don't want to go to church anymore. You don't pray. What about your little children? What about your husband? Don't you want to do better? What's wrong with you? What could I say to her? Because I didn't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never known what's wrong with me.
I know now in my innermost self when I was saying that to her. I'm saying to myself, yeah, well, I have to drink because otherwise I'm going to go mad. But I didn't say that to her. Because I don't want to lose the drink. I don't want to lose the drink. So I had a helper called Gloria. She was a wonderful, wonderful woman. She loved me. And she took me downtown Jamaica, downtown Kingston, to a Jumping for Jesus charismatic meeting.
And I was the only white person there. And I was doing some real high jumps, man. I like to think I left them with some new moves, you know. Because I had in a lot of rum. And the tragedy of this is I had these two beautiful little boys that I loved with every fiber of my being. And that is why it baffles me to this moment that I was like that. It baffles me. There is no explanation. There is no explanation. 2011 November, do you think anybody knows about alcoholism, apart
[00:30:04]
from you and me that suffered it? No. It baffles them up. There is no other set of people, as it says in the Big Book, that suffers from the phenomena of craving. What is the phenomena of craving me? It means when I take a drink, I can't stop. It doesn't matter where I have to go, who I have to meet, what I have to do. I take one drink. The other side of that is I have to drink. So I am between the rock and a hard place. The rock and a hard place.
And what I did was what I have always done, run away. And I told my husband I wanted a divorce. And he said, you can have a divorce, but you can't have the children. I said to him, because I am selfish, self-centred, full of self-will run riot, I should have been committed if I had told anybody the truth about my life. I said to him, if you don't give me those children, I am going to publish something in the newspaper, because I knew something about him. Because that's the kind of person I was. Malignant kind of person.
So he let me have the children. And for a while, I used to live on Hope Road, which is across the road from where Bob Marley lived in Kingston. And he had been given this big old great house by his record producer. And Bob Marley was going out with a dear friend of mine, who came from a very upper-class family, but had become a Rastafarian. And she had actually had a baby for Bob. And he knew that she was my friend, but Bob didn't like me. And I didn't like him. He didn't like me, because he knows I'm a drunk. And I don't like him, because I think he's a pothead.
You know, my gardener used to be the happiest human being you've ever seen. He smiled all day long. He would work and then have a nap. He had this strange plant growing in my black garden that never seemed to do much. And I asked him once, what is that? He said, it's Jamaican spinach, Mum. You know, and I was surrounded by people at that time who were on this ganja, sensimilia. You know, they used to say to me, Mary, come to our little sensimilia, man. Look how the liquor's making your eyes red. I said, I don't want nothing that's going to screw up my brain. I'll stick to liquor. Thank you. You know that? You know the feeling? Anyway, I used to watch them. They'd take a big spliff, and it was so big you couldn't even see their face. And they'd go, I just want a bellow out, man. Have a little vision. And they'd lie down. That's not me. When I drink, I want justice. When I drink, I want love. I will eventually end up lying down, whether I want to or not.
But not right now. So I saw Bob in, we had a garage just on Trafalgar Road in Kingston, and I used to go in there. It was MacMillan's garage, and I'd get filled up with gas. And one day I'm in there, and Bob's there. I have a BMW. He has a BMW. And I'm kind of standing there waiting for the car to fill up, wavering with my cigarette holder, half in the bag. And he's there, and he comes up to me. And he said to me, you're a hedonist and a narcissist.
And you don't care about nothing but yourself. You see, Bob was a great humanitarian. He used to feed and care for people. I am selfish, self-centered. I have the obsession of self. I care about nothing but myself. And here's this man who does all this good for people. And he said, yeah, you're a hedonist, narcissist. You don't care for nothing but yourself. He said, you think you're so smart. He said, what does BMW stand for? I said, Bavarian Motor Works. He said, no, it means Bob Marley and the Wailers.
[00:35:04]
Just before I left Jamaica, I had particularly lucid times, sometimes. And one such time I was at this party, and there was the English cricket team had come out to play the West Indies cricket team. And there was a man there, and he had been knighted by the Queen. We shall call him Sir Cricketer. And he came, and he asked me if I would like to attend a function that was being held the next night for them up in the hills. And I said, I'd love to. And as I say, it must have been one of my good times. And he came, and he picked me up, and he took me up to this big party that was being held. And when we walked in the door, the host was standing there. And the cricketer said to the host, thank you so much for having this event for us. It's so kind. And you said we could bring somebody, and I've brought Mary. I don't know if you know Mary. He said, no. She's more famous than you, man. The word is infamous. That's where I had got to. I had shamed myself beyond repair without this program. So I left the island, and eventually this guy asked me to marry him, and he was a Canadian citizen. He said, I'll take you to Canada. I thought that's great, and he took me to Canada. Calgary, Alberta, minus 40. Definitely need rum in that place, man. And he was a born-again Christian. He was a nice man, but there must have been something wrong with him to marry me. You know what I mean? And after six months, as I do, because I'm selfish, self-centered, self-will run riot, I sent him away. You see, I'm no good with things of value. But the other thing was, he didn't work. I had got a job immediately, and I used to say to him, why don't you get a job? And he used to say, because he was a born-again Christian of a certain variety, he said, God, you're not a born-again Christian of a certain variety. He said, God would provide. I said, I've never seen J.C.'s signature on a check. You know. We've got to get out and work, I think. God helps those who help themselves. But he was a nice man. It was me. It was never anybody else. The problem was me. I had no respect for religion. I had no respect for faith.
You know, it says in the big book that faith doesn't seem to work with people like us. I didn't have any of that. I was a degenerate, as far as I'm concerned. You know, this is called the sunlight of the spirit. And I always think in opposites. And what's the opposite of the sunlight of the spirit? It's the dark night of the soul. The old-timers used to say this was a soul sickness. It's a soul sickness. And you have an American author who died of alcohol-related problems. His name is F. Scott Fitzgerald. And he wrote that in a real dark night of the soul, it's always three o'clock in the morning. And if you ever read the Christian mystics, you will see how they talk about the dark night of the soul. That's where I was. I was in the dark night of the soul. And I had no idea.
And I sent this nice man away. And then my little boys. A lot of my stories about my sons. And I tell you this stuff because I have a message of hope. In the big book in there is a solution. It says we have a way out in which we absolutely agree. And I have a message of hope for you. But my little boys were five and nine. They were living in Canada with this drunken mother. This chronic alcoholic mother. They had no other adult in Canada but me. And I never raised my hand to my boys. Oh, I asked him the other day and he said yeah, twice mom. Twice. But you see my boys would come home at night and I'd be lying drunk. They'd wake up in the morning and I'd be lying drunk. I'd try so hard to do the right thing. I'd say I'm not going to drink today. I'm going to cook for my boys. I'm going to wash the sheets. I'm going to have every place nice. I'm going to go out and
[00:40:01]
buy them Batman and Robin sheets. And for two hours I'd do that. And then it would come to me that I can't exist. And I'd have to drink. And see my boys again like that. And one day I followed my eldest boy on a Sunday and he had become an alter boy. And that's what he did for himself. And I would bring men home and my sons would wake up in the night without my knowledge and see whatever there was to see. And the next day they'd say to me who was that man you had last night mommy? And I'd say you were dreaming. I had them question their reality. Where are you going to live with that stuff if you don't have a 12 step program? Where are you going to live with it? You'll die with it. An alcoholic of my type. On the street. Which is where I ended up. And I often think I was meant to end up on the street. I often think I was meant to. I know it wasn't God that did it to me. It was me. It was me. And what happened eventually was after whatever went on there and then I, the father hadn't supported the kids for a couple of years. And that was the end of my terror. I was just at the end of it. I should have been committed. But there was something about these little boys. And I'd been there for two years. And eventually I said I'll go back to Jamaica because the children's father, he hasn't paid child support.
He'll have to look, pay for them when they're there. And I said I'll go back to Jamaica because the children's father, he hasn't paid child support. He'll have to look, pay for them when they're there. And they'll have their daddy. Much as I don't like him. And I went back to Jamaica and the father asked if he could have them for a week and they were gone for 13 years. And that night, after trying to get them back, my son had written to my husband and told him that he didn't want to be with me anymore because I'd drive with him drunk in the car and I was going to kill him and his brother. And I didn't know he'd done that. And what a choice for a little 11-year-old boy to have to make.
Oh, this is a terrible illness. This is the worst illness in the world. We laugh a lot in here, but this is a dreadful thing. It destroys everything of value. It takes away my children's innocence and throws it away like an old piece of garbage. You know, this alcohol doesn't, alcoholism doesn't mind if it kills me. It doesn't care. It doesn't care. And that night I drank two bottles of rum and took 151 proof rum, it was 151 proof rum and Valium. Enough to kill a horse. You know us, we don't medicate easily and we don't die easy. You know, I don't know about you, I go to the dentist and he gives me an injection enough that would freeze anybody's tooth and I'm going, uh, uh, after an hour or two because I can still feel it. And he's going, I mean, we build up this resistance, you know, to anything like that. And anyway, a friend came looking for me and she found me and took me up to hospital, pumped up my stomach. And the psychiatrist who came and saw me said something that was very observant, intellectually correct and definitely relevant to my condition.
He said, you mustn't do that anymore. I, um, I had to leave the island because I was shaming my children. And I was shaming, nobody would talk to me anymore. I was a pariah. I was living in an old run down hotel in Kingston. And here's what happens to alcoholic women of my type, well to me. I would look for a man to drink with that drank like me. I didn't want a normal drinker because two drinks were meaningless, I'm a lush. So I want an alcoholic of my time and I'll scope them out. Somebody who drinks like me. And then him and I will have a few drinks and after a few drinks he begins to look so good. And I look beautiful.
And then him and I will wander off into the enchanted cottage. The only thing is the sun comes up. The pitiful and incomprehensible demoralisation. And on one such morning as if pre-arranged I went. and a car passed by with my ex-husband, his new wife, and my two sons.
[00:45:03]
And the father came and told me I better leave the island. And he gave me the back money he owed me, and I went to Miami to drink myself to death. I knew nobody in Miami. I did not want to live anymore. It is hard for me to remember much of it, but I do remember some of it. It was like going through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat. I managed to get a little apartment and some sticks of furniture, and I would drink and pass out, and they'd come and steal my furniture, and steal my clothes, and steal the little pieces of jewelry I had, and steal me.
Because I am a woman alcoholic. And when I take a drink, the drink takes me, and I've lost my power of choice in anything. In anything. And I ended up living at the bottom of the street on Lincoln Road on Miami Beach. And if you say you can't get there, say yet. Because if you be an alcoholic of my type, and you don't have the willingness to do the work, and you don't have somebody that's going to lock you up for the rest of your life and keep you safe, you will end up where I ended up.
Men and women, alcoholics, we suffer the same, but I'll tell you something. Women are a shame. Are a shame. Are a shame. And the only thing I could get on my feet was a size 10 and a half flip-flops, the old type rubberized flip-flops, because my feet were so swollen, and I was all bloated. My eyes were shut. They were just slits. I was unrecognizable. I remember one time panhandling, and I had all this change, and I went into this liquor store, and I could see myself in the mirror, and I could not believe it.
I couldn't even give the man the money for the liquor. It fell all over the place, and he threw me out. And I saw people looking at me in disgust. I remember what it was to be a lean, mean sex machine, to go into a room and have heads turned. And now this alcohol has taken away my femininity. And now people look at me in disgust, and I want to say to them, Can you please help me? I don't know what's wrong with me.
I lost my children. Help me. But there's nobody. What do they say? Don't drink. That's all. No solution. They do not understand this illness, that I have to drink. Eventually my family, who couldn't find me, they found me through a woman, an old English woman, who was living in Fort Lauderdale. And they sobered me up, and I wanted to go back to Canada. And when I went to Canada, I met a man who I had known for many years, who felt so sorry for me.
And there must have been something seriously wrong with him, because he married me. And actually he was very sorry for me, and he wanted to help me. And he'd known me for many years, and he'd known my children, and he was a really nice man. But I'm a drunk. I tried to kill him. They put me in a mental institution. And I'm either homicidal or suicidal. Either one. Either one. And I became what you call a retread in the mental institutions in Alberta.
And that means that we keep coming back. Thank you again. Hi. You know. And I go in there and happy to be there. Happy to be there. Why? Because I'm safe from the greatest enemy I have. And when I'm in there, I get medicated compliments of the Alberta government. For a while they may keep me on suicidal watch or homicide watch. It could depend on how belligerent I am or how catatonic despairing I am.
And then eventually I'm so full of drugs that all I can do is shuffle. Anybody being in the mental institution knows about the shuffle. Yeah, the soft shoe shuffle. One size shoes fits anybody. And the only excitement we ever have in there is when somebody drops a cigarette butt in their paper slipper and we're too zonked to do anything but watch it burn.
[00:50:10]
The last time I was in there, I was taken by the police and I was in a lot of trouble. And after quite a long time, they were letting me out and I had to go to court. And the psychiatrist said to me, I've written something to keep you out of prison. And Dr. Millican had been looking after me for many years. And he let me read this report. And it said chronic alcoholic, abnormal personality and depressive.
I said, those aren't the diagnoses you used to give me. He said, no, because I know you're an alcoholic now. He said, you baffled me. You baffled all of us. I was very good at baffling people, you know. Loved playing with those psychiatric minds. And they're there to help us. But I had no respect for anything or anyone. I went to court and the prosecuting attorney wanted to put me away. And the defense said, Your Honor, this woman has suffered tragic social circumstances.
And I was. I was a tragic social circumstance born that way until I came to you. They used to bring AA meetings into the mental institution, but I never heard anything. I heard later from members that they used to sit me down in there and they used to say to me, Mari, do you have hope? And I'd say, I have no hope. I have no hope. And one night when I got out of that mental institution and out of court, I was sitting drinking myself sober.
See, alcohol didn't work for me anymore. But I had to drink. Couldn't stop drinking. And sometimes my headache would be so bad I'd be lying on the ground and I'd be pouring liquor into the side of my mouth, screaming. And one night I was drinking myself sober and I picked up the phone and I phoned AA. And a man called Stan came who had 27 years sobriety. And he told me something that I speak, I tell wherever I go.
It was one of the most important things to me. He told me his story and then he asked me to tell him a little bit of mine. And he said to me something that nobody had ever said before. He said, I think you're one of us. And he looked at me with a love that I see shining out of the eyes of an alcoholic in recovery. And I said to him, Stan, I know I'm an alcoholic, but I'm also nuts. I have a psychiatric report that says I'm nuts and I have to be on medication for the rest of my life.
He said, Mary, the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is like 12 adjustable wrenches for any nut that comes through the door. And I got sober in AA and I loved AA. But the only thing is, you know, I told you earlier on about the thing with the sponsors and other things going on in my mind and my children. And I drank again. And that night a little gal from AA spent the night with me. And she was 12 years sober.
And she was doing what we do. She was sharing her experience, strength and hope. And she was spending the night with me because I was in bad shape. I was in real bad shape. And the next day she said to me, I'm going to leave you now because you're a loser. And I only stick with winners in Alcoholics Anonymous. But before I go, I'm going to ask you to kneel down and say the third step prayer. I said to her, I kneel for nothing.
And then something said, think of your children's eyes. And what came into my mind's eye is the last time I had seen my children, was the previous December. I had called my family in Scotland and said, I'm just out of the mental institution. I'm doing good. I'm on medication. I'm on anti-abuse. They say I'm doing good. Laughing a lot. I can't get my face fixed because of the stuff I'm on. It's frozen in time.
And I said to my family, can you call the children's father and tell them that I'm doing well. And I'll come down and have a week with my sons. And I'll stay in a really nice hotel in Jamaica and rent a car. And they'll be right within telephoning of their father if anything goes wrong. So my family did that. And I went from, I don't know if you know, but I'll just tell you the geography from Edmonton to, this summer I'm in Edmonton.
From Edmonton to Toronto is about, I think a two hour time change. It's quite far.
[00:55:01]
And I changed planes in Toronto. And I was waiting for an Air Jamaica flight to Kingston. A bottle of vodka. And by the time the plane landed in Kingston, I couldn't walk. And I got up the tarmac, because there you walk in the tarmac when you come through arrivals, and I fell down in front of my sons. And I remember the presents I got them. One had a Prince Pro tennis racket and the other one had an Atari.
And I was so happy to have been bringing my boys gifts. And the person who brought them to the airport said, you won't be seeing mummy this trip boys. And turned them around and walked away. And they were looking over their shoulder at me, with the big incomprehensible eyes of the child of the alcoholic, one more time. I had to get back to Edmonton. It was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. And I got back to Edmonton and that's what I thought about.
And I knelt down and I repeated a third step prayer after her. And from that moment to this, I've had no desire for a drink. Some unmerited gift of grace was given to me. William James and the Varieties of Religious Experience. What he did was, he went and examined all these dipsomaniacs. They used to call alcoholics dipsomaniacs. And he went and examined all these dipsomaniacs to see how they were doing.
Because overnight they changed from being skid row bums, to being upstanding members of their community. And he wondered how they had found God. And he saw that the common denominator was that each one of them had reached a place of absolute and complete despair. And I believe that despair is the aperture for God's grace. I should have had the despair some other time, but who knows when it's really that level of despair.
I got very active in AA. I heard wonderful things. They said, get a big book, get a sponsor, get active. Learn how to take instructions, because you've never ever known how to take instructions. No relationships for a year, and don't get married for two, because you have a propensity for getting married. How long have you been married? How many times? Three times? No. No marriages for now. And, you know, I was shaking and I was goofy, and I used to go to the meetings where they had a front row, and it was called Shaker's Row, and all the newcomers would sit there.
And, you know, we'd share horror stories and sex, as if we had any that we could even remember, you know. And I had a great sponsor, Carol, who just was fantastic to me. And I did a fourth and a fifth step very quickly, because I hated myself. I hated myself. And I knew if I didn't do it, I would drink again. You see, when I don't drink, I become conscious. And when I'm conscious, I cannot bear to think of the things I have done.
So I did a fourth and a fifth, and then I got on with my steps. And, you know, one of the other things I always share is this. Finding a God of your own understanding. Even though I had knelt down and said that third step prayer, I was praying to this God that I knew was keeping these people sober. That's really what I was praying to. I didn't have a personal God. I didn't understand the concept. And I ran around looking for God, and the messenger comes in various shapes and sizes.
And one night I'm meeting, and I hear this old woman talk. She's an old woman from the Northwest Territories, a native woman. And she's the most spiritual woman I'd ever heard. And she was saying things like, As a drunken woman, I never went to bed with an ugly man, but I sure woke up with a few. She says, But I don't do it anymore because I am a lady. In Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went up to her afterwards, and I said, Who is this God you have?
I'm looking for a God. She said, Mary, my God's called Harold. I said, Harold? She said, You know that prayer? Our Father who art in heaven, Harold be thy name. She made me laugh. She was pulling my leg. And I began to develop the belly laugh that we get in Alcoholics Anonymous. The true laughter that we haven't had for so long. And then, how am I doing for time? When I was about 10 months sober, I had my boy, Richard, my eldest son, was going to
[01:00:01]
school in Toronto for a year, and that was when we called Intergroup, and I went to Toronto, I got a job, I got a little apartment, I was very active in AA, I was going to meetings every day, I had Rini then, who was my sponsor, who was just so fabulous to me, and who required me to do service, and she told me that the essence of this thing is service, that I got to get out of myself, because my problem is self.
And I got very active in service, as much as they'd let me do at that stage, and I became Miss AA, they used to call me Bill Wilson's great granddaughter, because I used to run around quoting Bill, and I loved Bill, Gail and I have that up, she's always talking to my man, more than me, actually I had a dream about him last night, so you didn't, and you know, I was just thinking about Carol, Carol who's so wonderful to all the sponsors I've seen, and you know Angie is here too, that had just this new sobriety when I saw her last time, Carol reminds me a lot of Rini, well she's a lot younger than Rini, but she has that same great unconditional love, you know, for women, and for alcoholics, and for correspondences, and it's lovely, it's lovely, and when my son went back, you know there's newcomers here, so I'm going to do this one more time, the reason they say no relationships for a year has a purpose, and you know what we're like, we say, yeah right, you know, no relationships for a year, I met him in detox, and he's the man, you know, so I was two years sober, I was beginning to look good again, I was beginning to look good again, and I went to a meeting and I saw him, and I just knew that God has sent me my reward, and here's what happens in the rooms of AA, you know it was said, when boy meets girl on AA campus, I love that, underneath it said they should both examine themselves to see there is no deep psychological reason for them not having a good relationship, I don't like that, it spoils the poetry, so let's stay with when boy meets girl on AA campus, and here's what happens in my, this was my experience, we would still go to a lot of meetings, because John was five years sober, I was two years sober, we were not well, when I met him, my eyes met his big, big glowing eyes, you think the light in the eyes of the people is spirituality, sometimes it's psychosis, and you know, because I'm nuts, all I need is a hook, you can put me in a room with three thousand men, I'm picking out the sickest one in the bunch, but John was a great AA, and he loved AA, and gave great service, and I was two years sober, I loved AA, and gave service, and so we'd go to a lot of meetings together, someone would ask me to, we'd have on our peacock feathers, because we were going to see each other, and we'd strut our stuff in the rooms of AA, and someone would read me to, ask me to read how it works, my eyes would flit across a crowded room, and I could see John and I walking off into the sunset, under the circle and the triangle, in the sunlight of the spirit, and up in heaven, Bob, Bill, with Dr. Young, slightly to the right, would be saying, bless you my child, and I shared this vision with my sponsor, who has no romance in her soul, none, so after telling this beautiful thing, she said, don't get married because you're an emotional retard, and I knew she was jealous, so John and I eloped, at that time my youngest son was going to Florida Air Academy in Melbourne, Florida,
[01:05:09]
so we went to Melbourne, Florida to get married. Now here's what happens in the close proximity of marriage, when you haven't had the necessary personality change to have a good relationship, because for some of us it takes a long, it's really never happened, I've tried, you know, Clancy says to me, you get in a relationship, you get psychotic, you're not meant to have a relationship, you know, and it's true, having a relationship with me is like a miracle growing my defects of character, not a good thing, not a good thing, but anyway, I love John, he loved me, but we couldn't live together, because in the close proximity of marriage, when you haven't had that personality change, one by one, the peacock feathers start dropping off, and in the end all you have is the same two old turkeys sitting staring at one another, and I had to leave that marriage, I went back, five years I'm back living at the Y, and that's an ego buster, trust me, I left a beautiful apartment, beautiful stuff, and was living at the Y, I knelt down and I surrendered, another third step, God, I don't know what's good for me, you do, show me the way, God, show me the way, may thy will not mine be done, and I went to a lot of meetings, stopped by my sponsor, who didn't once say, told ya, although I know she was thinking it, and then I had a little job, had my apartment, and then I got a call from Jamaica that my sons had been kicked out of their father's house, and were staying with their old grandmother, who loved me, and I, if you really want to go, know how you're doing, go and live with your old ex-mother-in-law, so that's when I told you about what I related today, about going back to Jamaica, Rene said, make amends to the island, and I went down there, and got my sons off the island, and because they wanted to leave, I sent one to Florida, Broward Community College, and the other one to Scotland, and they were going to eventually meet me back in Toronto, in two years time, my family was looking after my youngest one, but by that time he was 19, and I worked with the poor people in Jamaica, and I did make amends, I like to think I did, but the most important reason I went to Jamaica, was that I wanted people to see that my son had a mother of some worth, and you know when I was down there, one of the biggest businessmen in Jamaica, threw a dinner for me, and he says, Miss Mary, I always knew, cream rises to the top, and what more can I say, and I came back, and when I came back, I found my, I moved into the same building as my husband, we signed a separation agreement, because we loved each other, but we just couldn't live together, and one, my sons came in, to live with me in Toronto, and we were all together, and one day I couldn't get John on the phone, I had that intuitive thought, and I went upstairs, and the door was bolted on the inside, because I had a key, because we were friends, and I had my son kicked on the door, and John was lying on the ground, he had a massive stroke, and he was lying there for three nights and two days, and he could, he was turning purple, and I said, God if he lives, I'll look after him, and I had John eventually home with me for years and years, and he could never speak, and they said he couldn't understand, he had right arm paralysis, and taught himself to walk, and there was only two words he could say, but I can't say them from the podium, it means take a journey, you know, but here's the thing, here's a wonderful, you know, the amends, the living amends we get to make, my mother and father were both dead by the time I got to AA, my poor mother and father were both dead before I got sober, so I looked on John as a chance to make amends, I'd never done anything of value, I was a, I was hopeless, I never did anything worthwhile for anybody, and I got a chance to look after this man who was childlike, except he could still hum, and he would hum to me night and day, and he'd pat my face, and sometimes I had to change him, he'd lost control, and he, I'd see the shame in him, and I'd take him up and down to Florida, because he loved Florida, and when he died in October 2001, before he died, I read him how it works, and I held him till he grew cold, and I finally finished
[01:10:01]
something of worth for another human being through the auspices of Alcoholics Anonymous, good sponsorship, and doing the things we're meant to do here. My sons, we lived together until they drove me crazy, I loved them, they loved me, I made as many, I was open to them, I became, I said, ask me anything you want, my eldest son never stopped asking for 20 years, just stopped, and my youngest one doesn't want to talk about it, and eventually I sent them off to be self-supporting through their own contributions, and my eldest son asked me to, he was getting married on Vancouver Island to a beautiful girl, and he was marrying a Greek girl, and the custom is that the father and mother walk the boy down the aisle, and he said, mum, I've called daddy in Jamaica, he's coming to the wedding with my two sisters, step-sisters, and his wife, and I wondered if you and him would walk me down the aisle, dad said he would, I spoke to Clancy, I said, 20 years ago I hired two gunmen to shoot that guy, but I was too drunk to perpetrate the crime, you know, and thank God, Clancy said, you will go there, you will walk your son down the aisle, you will behave like a lady, and I will have someone there watching you, and I did it, and it was beautiful, it was beautiful, and then my second son got married, and he got married to a Ukrainian girl, in full Scottish dress, in a Ukrainian Orthodox Church, and danced with me to a tune called Mama. I have wonderful sons. The journey has been the way it is, we're doing life here. There's an old poet, another American poet, T.S. Eliot, says humankind cannot bear too much reality. We are a people, we are the twice-born, we need to be twice-born that William James talks about, the one with the six souls, and we have to be constantly vigilant, and I have to look out every day, every day I get up and I kneel down, I say, dear God, Heavenly Father, please keep me sober this day, dear God, Heavenly Father, please keep me sane this day, dear God, show me the way, without thee I am truly nothing, and at night I kneel down and I thank God for everything he has done for me, and I never forget that in 27 years, and I have lots of sponsees, and I love them, and they teach me things that maybe I've forgotten, especially the ones who are newer, you know, the higher maintenance ones. You know, I talk about this one all the time, but she was just down at me again last week, you know, this one has been in my life a long time, and she's always looking for alternatives. Alternatives, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it is good, love it, and she does go to meetings, and she does do this, but I like alternatives as well, I like an alternative solution. So it's always been something about Harry Carrey, or Kudu Wudu, or Yogi Bogey, or whatever the, I don't know what it is, and then it's occasional eating plans. So the other day, I was, she was sitting at my house talking to me, and she's telling me about this new eating plan she's going through, thank you, and I could see myself putting my arms around her scrawny little neck, and saying, shut up! But I just said, keep coming back darling.
What a life this is. What a life we have been given. I have to keep in fit spiritual condition, because I can wake up one day and I feel like it's all gone to hell. I'm so grateful. I want to thank you wonderful ladies for having me here, I love you, and I thank AA, and I'm so happy to be on the soil where Bill and Bob gave us this. Ladies, don't let's ever change AA, it doesn't need changing. Thank you.
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