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Source: Liz B – From Hollis, New York – Date Unknown.mp3 File: liz-b-from-hollis-new-york-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:56:56
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I've shot it to hell for a long time, so don't you worry about it. I'd like to say good morning to each and every one. My name is Liz B., and my anonymity has been shot a long time. Mr. B. didn't like me using it, but he wasn't in the program. And it's never hurt me in all these years to break my anonymity, but I don't suggest that you do it if you don't care to do it. And I will never tell anybody who's in this fellowship and who's not. That's something I never do and never will do.
But my name is Liz B.. I'm an alcoholic, and through the grace of God, Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and sponsorship, I haven't found it necessary. Now you young people, listen to me. Listen to me. It hasn't been necessary to pick up a drink since July the 11th, 1952. I'm just telling you how powerful Alcoholics Anonymous is. And I just said it to two people in the back. Once you have ever crossed the AA door sill, you'll never drink and drug in peace again.
Not one of you have come back in my 53 years and told me that it's so great out there. I believe you. Don't go out there and try it. Don't try it. Stay in here and go through the pain to gain. Fight the fight for the victory, because there is victory. Believe me. I want to take this opportunity to congratulate Lou and Mariam on their anniversary today. And may you, dear God, have many, many more. I want to thank Lou and the conference, the committee. You all have done the most fantastic job. Woo!
Don't turn your back on it. Keep it going, because I'm going to look forward to being here next year. I'll pay my own damn car fare next year. I will pay my own car fare next year. I will be here with the grace of God. Only his grace will bring me to. Okay? But it has been the speakers, everybody has been so wonderful. I want to thank my doll who came down with me this year, Stephanie. Stephanie had been traveling around with me since I had the stroke and went into a coma. And I'm only to prove to you that it is a God, baby.
See, I put on some jazz one day, and I jazzed that stroke right away. Woo! I sure did. I ain't got no stroke, y'all. See, I ain't got no pain, nothing. I'm just, woo! Yeah. And if he can do it for me, he can do it for you. No secret. No secret. Just keep the faith of a mustard seed. Just a little mustard seed. Y'all have to have a whole lot. And know that you can pass anything. Because I've been through the mill in these 53 years. Woo! Lord have mercy, I'd take a week to tell you. A whole week. I can't do it in an hour, but I'll do the best that I can.
But I tell you, it's one of the fantastic, powerful fellowships in the world. You'll never find another one like it. I don't care where you go. I went to church one Sunday, and the lady said to me, Sister B., are you going to be back here next Sunday? I said, no. She said, why not? I said, well, because I'm in Detroit. She said, what are you doing in Detroit? I said, I'm speaking. What do you speak about? I said, alcoholism. How did you come to speak about alcoholism? I said, because I'm an alcoholic.
So she said, are you saved? Oh, I've been saved a long time. So she said, well, do me a favor. Don't come back in this church telling us you're an alcoholic. I said, thank you, ma'am. I'll see you later. But I'm in churches more than a woman is. You know all our meetings are in churches. I'm sitting in a church four times and five times a week. That poor soul. You see how they don't know? I was listening to the speaker the other night, and he was saying how he used to wake up and look at the mirrors.
I said, oh, Jesus. I said, for the last three months I've been asking, I asked three non-alcoholics, do you know how good it is to wake up in the morning and look at my ceiling? And they look at me like I'm crazy.
[00:05:02]
And I come into AA, and I say that, and you say, yeah, been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. You know everything I'm saying. That's why I stay around people who know what I'm talking about. When the man said he woke up and looked at mirrors, bless his heart. Bless his heart. I didn't get to the mirror part, though. But I tell you the truth. I came into AA. Now, Mr. B. planted me the seed. That's what I'm doing this morning, planting seeds. You might not want this program right now. That's all right if you don't want it.
You keep coming. Keep coming. Keep coming. It'll get you if you don't get it. They told you to bring the body, and eventually the mind will follow. You know, we hate the truth. Oh, God, do we hate the truth. I always open up about a minister who was preaching. He said, if you drink alcohol, you're doomed to die. And the little old lady down front, she said, amen. He said, now, if you smoke those cigarettes, you're doomed to die. And the little old lady, she said, amen. He said, now, if you chew tobacco, she said, look at that. He done stopped preaching and gone to meddling.
So I'm going to go to meddling. And you might hate the truth, like I said, but the truth will set you free. And it's to thine own self be true. You don't have to be true to me. And let me tell you another little secret. Don't ever think you bullcrapping another alcoholic, because one drunk don't fool another drunk. No, no, you're wasting a lot of time if you stand up talking a lot of mess, because that drunk been there, done that, and got the T-shirt.
And know just where you're coming from. See, so come in here and try to be with this rigorously honesty that they talk about. They used to have honest desire at the beginning. And my opinion was that they took honesty out, because they knew I was out there lying and cheating and ducking and dodging and conniving. I could not walk across that door sill and be that honest overnight. It didn't work that way for me either. No. But in time, the honesty do come. So they put down just a desire, just to have a desire to stop drinking, with drugging, even drugging.
But I'm not going to talk about drugs up here, because I don't know about sniffing them up, popping them up, shooting them up. I don't know nothing like that. And you take my identification away from me when you do that. I know about alcohol, because my first drink my mother gave me. And that's another thing. I always, for many years, wanted to give my mother two drinks and bring her to hell into this program, because I had never seen my mother take a drink in my entire life.
And oh, I prayed for a long time that I could bring her in, even Senator Al-Anon, if necessary, because she could have used all the programs, my poor mom. But she went home three days short of 95. So she had a good life. Bless her heart. And I was sober 34 years when my mom died. So she got to see me sober. Praise God for that. But I don't know about my family. As much as I was a drunk, I have a granddaughter two weeks ago looked at me and she said, you know you weren't that bad. Now, how bad does she know I was when her mother was five years old when I got here? That blows my mind. You weren't that bad, nanny. I know how bad I was. Nobody else has to know how bad I was. I know the pain that I suffered. Nobody else has to know it.
But I remember so clearly that Mr. B. came to me one day and he said, you know, you're the nicest wife when you're sober. Drunk, you're a Jekyll and a Hyde. Why don't you try this AA? Oh, geez. My mouth was bad. I had a very bad mouth when I came to AA because I was used to sitting on the bar stool talking that stuff. And, you know, I laid Mr. B.'s soul to rest. The man did the right thing. He walked away from me and never mentioned AA anymore. Because, see, I'm grateful till today that he didn't beat me with AA. And we do not beat you with AA. Freely come in and you freely go out if you choose. It's all up to you.
But, see, I kept drinking for eight, nine, ten months later. And when I hit a bottom, I hit a bottom. I don't know what your bottom is, but mine was the saddest bottom in the world. Because when my mother gave me my first drink at the age of 12 years old, as I look back, I was a stoned alcoholic at 12 years old.
[00:10:10]
I don't know about social drinking. I don't know about crossing any lines. I know I've seen a hell of a lot of lines. But I don't know about any of my other lines. But when she made this rice wine at 12 years old, she left a little girl, Marion and I, to sieve it through cheese cloth. Now, everybody's not an alcoholic because Marion sieved and sipped two drinks and she went home. I'm 12 years old and I'm standing up there sieving and sipping. Ooh, honey, I'm telling you, I sieved and I sipped. I sieved and I sipped.
I put on a drunk at 12. My mom lectured to me all night long. I went out in the street the next day and I shook my little self and told everybody, boo, what a ball I had. I don't even remember what the hell happened. I began to sell King Kong booze at the age of 14. The man made it in the bathtub next door. I bought it by the gallon. I was selling it for 40 cents a cream pitcher. Somebody suggested that I take mayonnaise, olive oil, butter, cream, line yourself up good, drink plenty, make good money. Well, I'm going to tell you that King Kong went all through the mayonnaise, the olive oil, the butter, the cream.
I stopped taking that sick stuff. But I drank plenty of booze, made good money, put a better table for my brothers and sisters. I'm the oldest of five. And, of course, now I had to be padlocked into a side room going down the hall for my protection. I'm laying out the window one night. I live one flight up and I saw this sharp dude. Oh, God, he was so sharp, almost fell out the window. And he had a roll of money. I said, woo, there's a live one. I was always looking for a live one. You know that.
I don't look for deadheads in AA either. I'll tell you that right now. I look for the live ones like Louie. Louie excites me on the telephone. Yes, he does. I look for Louie. And I love them with full of enthusiasm. I told that old Louis over there yesterday, keep the motor, man, keep it going, keep it going. I love him in action, that Lou Jones. Love him in action. Stay in action. So what did I do? I ran down and latched on to this cute little dude with the roll of money, found out it was a $5 bill around a lot of ones. But he's so cute, who cares?
So I started from uptown Manhattan all the way down to the east side. I'd go down and give everybody a play since they'd come up and give me a play. So at the age of 14, you could not tell me I wasn't a woman. I'm drinking, I'm partying, I'm hanging out. So I asked my mother to sign for me to marry this man. And she says, oh, no, dear. Never mind, dear, Vaughty. I wish she had to shut her mouth. You know, for many years, I wish she had to shut her mouth. Because I don't know I'm an alcoholic at this particular time. But I've learned, don't tell no alcoholic what not to do.
Because I have to tell them, Al-Anon, be quiet. Be quiet, Al-Anon. And I had to learn the three C's from Al-Anon. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you damn sure can't control it. It's called three C's. So here again, my mother kept her mouth going, and I'm going to show her. So I left New York January 3, 1939 at 10 o'clock in the morning. I'm standing in a courthouse being married. And I'm crying my heart out. And the minister stopped the wedding. He said, my dear young lady, would you mind telling me what you're crying about? I said, at last I got him.
I'm going to be honest with every one of you in this room. That was the sorriest day of Mr. B.'s life when he said I do to Liz Ulrich. That man never stopped crying from January 3, 1939, till he went home with the Lord August 12, 1986. That was a sorry day. Because now I've got a marriage license. No more mama. No more neighbors. Nobody's going to pull me up on the carpet now. I'm 17, and baby, I'm going to tear up New York. Woo! I was ever ready when I got back to New York.
I'd meet Mr. B. coming in from work. Where are you going, Liz, to get a quart of milk? I'd come back a week later. Maybe two. I'd come back a week later, maybe two, whenever I could get back.
[00:15:02]
Okay, now I'm watching me go down. I don't know what to do about it. I'm on my knees constantly, please forgive me. Please, I don't want to drink like this. I don't want to act like this. And there I'd pick up a drink and I'd be gone again. And here I've done it again and I don't want to do it again. I don't. And one time I went out and he said to me, Liz, why did you go back to drinking? You were doing so good.
I said, three weeks ago you said something to me. That's why I got drunk today. Three weeks ago. Thank God for one day at a time in here, believe me when I tell you. So there again, I'm going down. I said to Mr. B. one day, maybe if you drank with me. You non-alcoholics ever hear that? I did. I wouldn't want to drink so much in Rome because, see, once I picked up a drink, I'm gone. I don't stay in the house.
I'm gone because I got to drink in peace. I can't drink with your silent treatment. I can't drink with you looking at me cock-eyed. I can't drink with your mouth going. And how many times have I said, when I'm drunk, shut up. And when I'm coming off a drunk, shut up. The man couldn't win either way. See? Because there I am. I'm gone. Now I'm putting holes in the walls, burning up furniture, fighting, cursing.
Do you think this is normal living? I'm sleeping on Liberty Park bench. I got a beautiful bedroom three blocks down and a nice bedroom set and a new mattress in the spring. And there's something wrong with this picture. I'm on this bench. Something wrong with it. I don't belong on this bench. But I didn't know what to do about it. Did not know what to do about it. And I keep watching me go down. One morning I woke up with my head coming off my body.
Oh, God. I tried Alka-Seltzer, Anderson, BC, the little blue packages of BC. You remember that, Don, don't you? Okay. I know we do. Yeah, BC. And I put a raw egg in the beer because that was a meal for me, baby. That was a meal. Because I didn't bother to eat. And so here again, I reached over because I'm sick. I'm really sick. And I reach over and I grab the Bible off my night table. I figure maybe I'll find the answer in the Bible.
Mr. B. passed my room, you dig me saying my room, because you can't sleep with me no more. The booze is just coming out of my pores. Just coming out. And he looked at me with that Bible and he started screaming at me, put that Bible down, you hypocrite. 20 minutes to an hour, you'll be so drunk, you'll be slapping one of the kids down, hopping a cab, swinging a corner. How did he know so much about me?
I didn't know that. But he knew about me. And I didn't want to hear his mouth. And this is the first time I ever thought of suicide. I literally ran and jumped up in the second floor window. And just as I'm getting ready to throw my body down in the yard, there's a lady that lived downstairs named Nana Baker. And she said, Mr. B., Mr. B., you better get her. She's going to jump. I see his head come out the kitchen window, his hands come out.
He says, Nana, will you let that bitch jump? He says, you know, I'll be rid of all my problems, all my troubles, please let that bitch jump. Well, you know, I wanted to know who the hell did he think he was. I got down out of that window, I got back into that bed, and I pulled the sheet over me and slapped that one off, the nerve of him. And I've gotten letters from New Jersey where they're so glad that this one bitch didn't jump.
I'm glad that I didn't jump either, because I'd have missed all this good stuff. So I slapped that one off. Now, when I asked Mr. B. to go with me to drink, my sister had three bars in the city, and I stayed in the one on 144th and 8th Avenue. And he went over there with me, and both of us got drunk. Now, he came home and fell into the radiator and bust his head. I guarantee you he never went out drinking with me again.
But see, to show you the difference, I could have hit that radiator ten times and wouldn't have made a bit of difference. One time for him was it, but not with me. I'd go right back ten times, do the same stupid thing, thinking for different results.
[00:20:01]
And it got worse, never better. I remember so clearly my dad. My dad was an alcoholic. I can say that now that he's dead. But he hung himself in my sobriety. And I grieved about that because I used to watch the policemen beat my dad with the billies and the blood would spatter. Neighbors would hit him with frying pans and the blood would spatter. I lived in front of Mother Cabrinha Hospital, and I watched my dad come out of that hospital rap like a mummy many, many times.
I used to lay out the window and play chicky. If I see my mother coming home from work, get my drunken father up off the floor so he wouldn't get those beatings. I couldn't take it. So you know how grateful I was when I was in AA when he hung himself. And I kept on out there drinking. I was sober in here when he did that. But here again, all my family on my mother's side, they all drank this white lightening from North Carolina and all over, and they all dropped dead.
And at that time, they used to put them in mental institutions. So a lot of my family was in mental institutions. Because nobody ever heard of AA. I know I didn't hear of AA out there. Never heard nobody. I didn't even know the word alcoholism. I didn't know dysfunctional until I got in here. I knew I came from a broken up home, but I didn't know about dysfunctional. And you know, I thank God again for AA.
They're right when the road gets narrow. It does. It all boils down to something so beautiful for you here. Because again, I had a son that was an alcoholic. I used to say to him, Dennis, this is why I love the young guys in AA. I really make a fuss over you young guys. I want you to get what my son didn't get. Dennis, the right road may be hard, but you'll be the winner. The easy road, the price is heavy.
And Dennis was shot and killed on June 25 at 2 o'clock in the morning. Left a beautiful wife and two children. It was hard, just like the speakers before. It's hard to lose a child. But thank God I had you, and I had God, and I had this fellowship to go through that. I had a sister that was an alcoholic. In fact, all five of my mother's children are alcoholics. And the sister next to me drank herself to death.
Then there's a brother, then there's another sister that I told her to get away from Mama, because Mama was enabling her to be nothing and kill herself. She left me on the corner of 200th Street and Hollis Avenue and went into Manhattan and jumped 30 floors. That was kind of hard to bury my son, and then right behind that, look at her broken body in a casket. But I was in AA. I didn't have to drink.
Thank God for that. Thank God. And so I keep coming. But I want to tell you how I came into AA. It's very important that you know how I got in here. I was supposed to see a lady to sell some insurance for the house. I never called this a home. Mr. B. was a furrier, girls. I never had to work. And every time I had a little period of dryness, he'd make me another fur coat. So I had fur coats like beans, as you know.
And all of a sudden, one year, he makes me the most gorgeous leopard coat you ever laid your eyes on. Threw a party for the job. He brought the coat home, threw it out on the bed. And I looked at that coat, and I hated it. I gave it away. I said he made it so he could spot me anywhere. I got sober and wanted that coat. But I also got sober to tell you, as long as you drink, you'll never think right.
I got sober and wanted that coat. And I'm telling you, I had to let it go. Get sober so you can see what's happening. And I said, that's how sick I was, that the man going to look for a fur coat to follow me. Sick. And so again, I get up in July. I straighten up. I left the dusting to last. I did try to be a good mother and a good wife. I did, but I wasn't. I can't ever tell anybody I was, because I wasn't.
How can I tell you I was good and I'm gone from one week to two weeks? I'm fighting, I'm cursing, and all that kind of stuff. I used to love bald-headed men, even. Crazy about bald-headed men. Honey, they used to run me out to the cars and lock me up in the cars to keep the wives from killing me
[00:25:00]
and the girlfriends. They'd come after me with knives. And when they see that sign, I got here and I saw that sign. But for the grace of God, I said, woo! For the grace of God, I made it here. Because I didn't have to make it here. Believe me, I didn't. And so I remember Miss Lindbaum. I hadn't seen Miss Lindbaum since I was eight years old. I really wanted to see this lady. And I know me now. I know me now.
If I pick up a drink, I'm not going to see Miss Lindbaum. So one of the guys, I'm drinking with hard Two Fisters people in the VFW Hall on 110th and Merrick Road. I could never stand anybody who took a drink like that and sipped it for 20 minutes. You got on my nerves. And I got away from you because you wasn't drinking like I was. You didn't have to get away from me. I got away from you. And I got answered his phone.
I heard his voice. And I banged it up. He called me back the second time. And I said, don't bug me. I'm waiting for this lady to come. And I really want to see her. I banged the phone the second time. I remember going around the corner to the store. This is the last that I remember. Went around to the store. And I came back. And he called for the third time. He said, Liz, do me a favor. Hop a cab. I'll introduce you to the people.
I'll put you back in the cab. And I'll send you home to your company. I figure, oh, God, let me do that. He's going to run me up a wall today. He's not going to let me stay in here. So I got the cab. And I went over to the post. Of course, the booze is lining up. And the jukebox is going. And I'm singing, you always hurt the one you love, the one you don't want to hurt at all. Give me another drink.
Smile if you're happy. Give me another drink. Well, I'm 84. And I haven't seen the lady till yet, to tell you the truth. I haven't forgot what the lady looks like. After she walked up on me, I wouldn't know. For years in AA, I was hoping I'd see her. But when I woke up, I was in one of my son's twin beds. At the foot of this bed stood my mom and over here, Mr. B.. And my mom had her head just going.
And she was screaming to the rooftops, somebody done done something to her. Somebody done done something to her. And Mr. B. got his head going. And he's saying, no, mom. No, mom. Nobody's done anything to her. She happens to be a very sick girl. Oh, sick. You know my name was bitch, don't you? I never heard sick. I never heard sick. But honey, when he said I was a sick girl, something went all over my entire body.
I got up out of that bed. I went to the basement of that house. I stayed in the basement two days praying to die. I wanted out. I wanted out. I wanted out. Here I have done it again. You can't depend on me for anything. I'm telling this to my 12-year-old son sitting there. I said, Richard, I can't live like this. I'm going to go up on the Long Island Railroad. I live three blocks from the Long Island Railroad.
I'm going to jump in front of a train, and I'm just going to end it all. You know, I didn't know this before, but I know it now. The big book says he could, he would, if he saw it. And it's so true. Because that second night in that basement, I never cried to God, so in my entire life. Oh, God. Oh, God. Please help me. Please help me. And here's Mr. B.'s seed. Try this AA that your father told me about.
See, Mr. B. didn't beat me with AA. He just left the seed. And the day came that I could use that seed, and I called up AA. There were no women in AA at the time, very few, very few. And they didn't have anyone to send to me. So I got myself together, and I went into Manhattan to intergroup in Manhattan. Now, I used to go have my hair done very nicely, and get drunk, and the booze goes straight to my hair.
I had Afro way before.
[00:30:02]
buy some clothes. He'd give me money for clothes. I never found what I wanted because I wanted to drink up the money, and that's what I did. But I'm coming to AA. So I get my hair done nicely and I buy a two-piece blue suit. And I go off to my first meeting. And I remember this woman in intergroup. She says to me, you know, Liz, it's the first drink. Oh, come on, sweetie. I've been drinking for 19 years. She said, Liz, when you pick up one drink of any type of alcohol, even down to cough medicine, watch that NyQuil. It'll get you.
It'll really get you. I've seen it here. So she said, if you take one drink of any type of alcohol, it's only a matter of time that a compulsion sets up into you that you have to go all the way. I've seen myself take a pint on Monday. Tuesday, drink another pint. Drink a fifth on Wednesday. Get another fifth Thursday. Friday, I'm knitting without needles. Have any of you knit without needles? But I'd be walking up and down knitting and having to go get that drink to get me back in focus. I remember that clearly. I remember sitting out on my front stoop with a bad cold. I hadn't even thought about a drink. I was so full of this cold. The baby's godfather came up and he says, how you doing, Liz? I said, Lambett, look at me. I got the worst cold. He ran around to Cone's Pharmacy, brought me back a bottle of cough medicine. Now, this is before AA. He gave me one teaspoon sitting on the stoop.
I get up and I go in and I take two teaspoons and come back and sit. I get up, I go take three teaspoons, come back and sit. I went in and turned that bottle up to my head, goo-goo-goo-goo-goo. I went on a drunk that I hadn't even thought about having from cough medicine. So you have to be careful. But I'll never forget, this lady gave me the choice of two meetings. She said you get a sponsor. I'm going to put this in here. I'm so sick of you people telling me you fired your sponsor. You ain't hired nobody in the first damn place. When you get off, I fired my sponsor. That woman and man is trying to stay sober just like you. It's supposed to be helping each other. There's no gods in here. Nobody's above anybody. No.
No. I picked my first sponsor. I had her for 28 years. That woman was a tough little Irish woman. I'd go up to her whining and crying and she said, listen, Ms. B., she didn't say it this nice. Because they didn't talk nice to you 53 years ago. They belted you. She said, listen, AA don't need you, but you need AA. And I'd go right back and whine some more. And she'd tell me, sit on that pot or get up off it. She didn't say it that nice either. And AA teaches you that too. Halfway measures avail you what? You either got to do this thing or you're not going to do it. It's just that simple. No game playing. No game playing. And so I listened to my sponsor. I have another sponsor for 20 some years too.
I would not be in AA without a sponsor. I'm not going to tell you to get one and I don't have one. That don't work that way. And my sponsor, we've gone on cruises and parties and dinners and do things. Lately I've been telling you, get a buddy. Because you all ain't ready for a sponsor. You're not ready for nobody to tell you what to do or how to do it. But the time will come that you will be ready. So get somebody you can go to the movies with. You don't come into AA and drop dead now. There's a second reader out from Akron. You still got it in Akron? Second reader? I'm telling everybody about it. They might be sending for it. Because it teaches you AA in home, AA in your job, AA in socializing.
Go to the anniversaries and do the slide and do all that stuff. I hope you went to the dance last night. Because I do seat dancing now. I can get off in that seat, I'll tell you that right now. My son came to me in Georgia one night and he said, mom, gee, mom, you really enjoy that music. Don't you want a drink? I said, it ain't that damn good. But
[00:35:07]
here again. And it tells you religion, if you care to go back to religion. AA is not religion. AA is spiritual. Greater is he that is in you than he that is out there in that world. I love what the man said yesterday. He said, my God, and every one of us, God is in with every one of us, whether you like it or not. He's in you. And you can talk to this God any time or place you choose. That's what's so good about it. And AA says find a higher power of your choice, your own, whom you want to talk to. I love AA for so many things. So here again. I remember my first meeting. I walked in and two girls behind the coffee counter looked up at me. They said, you don't look like an alcoholic. I said, what the hell did I get myself into? Let me get the hell out of here. And I started running out the room. I wasn't walking. Running. We always kept two people at the door. Because once you got in, you did not get out. It was none of this in and out that you all do today.
They sat on you. They sat on you. And this man hit me over on the shoulder and he says to me, what's the matter with you? I don't even know him and he's screaming at me like that. I said, I'm about to lose my mind, my home and my children and everything. These girls said I don't look like an alcoholic. I don't know what an alcoholic looks like. Only two things I knew, what we drinking and what are we chipping in for. That's all I knew when I got here. He said, have a seat, sweetie. You're in the right place. And they put two tables together that night and each member sat around and shared their strength, hope and experience. July the 11th, 1952 and today is October the 9th, 05. I have not been a day, not a day to my mind and knowledge without one of you in my life. You've been in my life. When I hit the hospitals even, you're right there. Even the nurse comes to my bed. Who are you? You're coming up the front stairs, the side stairs, the elevators.
You're all over me. I go home, you're around in my living room praying for me, cooking for me, doing everything for me. I can never tell you I've come this far alone because I haven't. And don't try calling me on my phone because it's overloaded. Overloaded. Thank God. That used to be not years ago when I was drinking. Don't have her around. Don't tell her about anything. Stay out of her way. And then when I got sober, my neighbors would stand in the middle of the street with their hands on their hip. Now any day now that bitch will take off. And they waited seven years, eight years, all like that waiting for me to take off. Even the house is down. They're dead and the house is gone. But they didn't feel that I was the type that could stay sober. But I stay sober. Because AA told me not to get sober for anybody but for myself. You can't do it for anybody. If I had to stay sober for my mother, I told you I'd be drunk, drunk, drunk. Mr. B. didn't like me sober.
He took ten years, and that cat worked overtime, to get me back in the streets of New York. I came from the streets. And so what happened is this. I had the honor and privilege of speaking for our late co-founder Bill Wilson's 28th anniversary at the Hotel Commodore to 2,700 people that night. I asked Mr. B. to sit up on the dais with me. He told me to get myself another husband for that night. My girlfriend said, you going to ask him again?
I said, hell no, I'm the speaker. So I didn't bug Mr. B., just like he didn't bug me about AA. I didn't bug him to come to that dinner. Honey, he got there at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. You people lined up, lined up to thank him in the lobby of the Hotel Commodore. That was too much for Mr. B.. He couldn't take that. He was so used to coming home whistling every day. That bitch is drunk again, you know. That bitch is gone again.
He never heard nobody talk nice about me. No. But you started talking nice about me.
[00:40:01]
When we got back to the house, he banged every pot on the stove. He said, I got to get rid of you. He said, I can't stand you and this sobriety another minute. And he couldn't. Three o'clock in the morning, I used the third, the eleventh step. That's your decision makers here. God spoke to me just like I'm speaking to you. If you pick up one drink, you won't have Liz. You pick up one drink, you won't have Mr. B.. And I didn't have him anyway. And when I pick up one drink, I just told you, I'm not in that house. I'm waking up where I don't even know where I'm at half the time. I'm being beaten because my mouth is bad. So I left Mr. B. and I stayed away from Mr. B. 24 years. I went back in his last days because when they tell you in here, more will be revealed, that's what happened. More was revealed to me of how damaging I was to my family. I didn't know that until I kept getting sober. So I went back and I took care of Mr. B. in his last days. I'm in Sloan's Kettering with him one day. He said, Liz, would you take my hand? And I took his hand. He says, you know, I would have been dead a long time ago if it hadn't been for you. He says, you know, I love you. And I screamed. I have been married to Mr. B. 47 years and I had never heard that, but I got it before he left here, baby.
I sure did. And I was so happy to get that he loved me before he left here. My oldest son has hated my guts for 53 years. He's let me know that he'll never forgive me or forget me for my past. And I want you to listen to this one very clearly. The first five years of AA, I wouldn't talk about a God. I'd curse you out if you mentioned God because life wasn't treating me the way I thought it should. I suffered with migraine headaches, deep depression, isolation, and I cried. The only thing that saved me was that sponsor and we made seven meetings a week and three times on Sunday. That's what saved me. The end of five years, it dawned on me that this is a gift. Not everybody gets this gift. And if you want to keep this gift, Liz B., you better put one hand in God's and keep the other one in AA and go on the journey. I'm on a journey, not a destination. I can never give up AA as long as I draw breath. And you see, it's been wonderful. I began to get spiritually hungry for the word and the truth. And that's how I ended up in that church I just previously told you about. But now I'm even deeper into spirituality to know who's in charge. I'm not in charge. And the greatest spiritual awakening that I could ever have in AA was the, I told you before, greater is he that is in me than he that is out there in that world. I told you yesterday about me just coming back from Alaska. And up there I learned I got the monkey off my back, but the circus is still going on. And it's true. I don't drink or drug, but life is still going on. I've got to face life regardless of what.
My Bible in James 1 verse 12 tells you, in this life you're going to be tested upon tested. And if you pass the test, your higher power has something good for you. In other words, jump the hurdles. Jump them if you can jump them. And stay close to each other. Love each other. See, I told you about my son. I had a daughter who was five years old when I came here. And she hated me most of my sobriety. And I couldn't understand her hating me and I said to her one day, Judy, before I die, I want you to tell me what you don't like about me. I can't be you. I said, Judy, don't be me. Be you. Be yourself. It's all I can do is be me, taking care of me mentally, physically, and spiritually. I can't change nobody else.
And for many years I've said this, I cannot put something in you that's not there. I've got to accept you as you are. And whatever comes out of you, it's acceptance. I'm living in acceptance today every day. Things that I can't change. Things that I can't change. I can't put into my granddaughter what I'd like to put into her. The only thing I can do is be a
[00:45:01]
powerful example for her. Where are you going, Nanny? I'm going to a meeting. Over 50 years and you're still making them meetings? Bye. Out the door. Because I'm not cured. And I've got to remember that. And there was something else said this weekend that I loved. Here lately I've been receiving awards. Three in a night, two in another night, one one night. Alcoholics got to watch this head. When that stuff gets going good, Satan gets busy. I get busy. I have never said, Satan, get behind me. I say, get in front of me so I can kick your behind. Because I don't know what he'll push me into, but I know where I'm kicking him to. And so you see, you have to watch it when it gets good. I sat beside a man in Westbury one night and he said, Liz, I'm back five days. I said, where'd you go? I wasn't used to that term. He said, well, he did. He was doing good, this guy. He said, well, I got complacent. He said, I lost my wife, my home, my two children, my two cars, my job. He thought he had it made. You don't never have it made, baby.
I don't care whether you like that or not. It's something that you've got to constantly practice in everyday affairs. Tells you that down at the 12 steps. You've got to put it into action. You don't put nothing in, what you going to get out? Nothing. I don't put no money in the bank, I sure can't go there and get any. I don't pay my insurance policy, they're not going to pay me either when I go. You've got to keep paying, keep giving. Please find another drunk, and do Liz me a favor, please. Never let a drunk sit alone in those rooms of your meetings. Never let a drunk sit alone. Go over and talk to them. Here lately, your new brand of AA, if a drunk comes in the room, what's he or she doing here? She belongs here. She belongs here. He belongs here. Don't you dare put him out of the room.
I get furious. I got a phone call from Pennsylvania, where the guy said they got the cops to put a guy out the meeting. I never heard of that. We take a person who's disturbing a meeting outside, or we go sit and talk to them. But you never throw one of God's children out of this room, or no other rooms. We love and care for each other. I would not be here today without you. I'll tell you that right now, and through the grace of God. I have 17 grandchildren that I see by appointment only. I do not babysit. I don't have time. I don't want time either. In a week or so, I'm in Memphis, Tennessee. I'm booked into 07. But thank God, I live it one day at a time. Because life is full of yesterdays and no tomorrows. My life is today, what I do today.
I want to thank Betty for driving yesterday. I praised her to the highest last night, whether you like it or not. I did. I even told Betty I was going to pray for her. I did. I don't tell you I'm going to do something and don't do it. I thank Lou for having lunch with me yesterday. It was so nice and being together. And I praise Lou all the time because Lou comes from Pittsburgh to wherever I'm speaking in Columbus, Cleveland. And when I come here, it's like a reunion for me because most of you have been with me most of my sobriety. I praise you and I thank you for that. I thank you for your three tickets that I didn't win, but you did give me three tickets.
Thank you for that, baby. I don't have to win all the time, too. Isn't that good? That's good because it went for a good cause anyway. That's what you think about. I had a girl tell me she's going on a retreat. What do they do with that retreat money? She said, it's not A.A. I said, mind your own business. I said, you go in there to eat six meals. You get in a room and that little bit they're charging, you go in there and keep your mouth shut and get some spiritual food.
That's what you do. A retreat doesn't mean like the one I went on out in the Hamptons. They stayed on the telephone. They went shopping. I just didn't participate in it because it was not a retreat. A retreat is meaning you leave everything on the outside and you go in there clear and clean to take something in for you to make the outside.
[00:50:19]
Getting away from everything. So if you've got a retreat anywhere, go and give yourself three days. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then when you come out, do something good for somebody. Because one time I said, I live alone. I don't know who I'm going to do anything good for. Mr. B. called me and asked me would I sit for the furnace to be clean. I said, yes. So you never know. You never know. Keep coming. Get a sponcy. Don't play God in a sponcy's life. Because I'll tell you the truth, back in New York they upset me so bad. Why aren't you on the fourth step and why aren't you doing this? Mind your damn business. God will see they get to where they're going. He'll tell them when they're ready for what. You can't tell them.
And don't take anybody's medication away from them, please. Don't do that. You take a life sometime. I've seen that happen many times in AA. Just guide them in their medication. Guide them. Doctor no more than you. You're not a doctor or nurse. Take me to do that. Me a favor for that. Keep coming. I want to thank every one of you personally for being with me today. I'm going on a plane home in a few minutes, in a few hours. But honey, I'm flying without the damn plane. I'm going to tell you that right now. I'm flying without it.
Two things I'm going to say and then I'm going to sit down. I remember coming into AA, I came in with slits up my sides and low cut back dresses, wore high heels, and I flitted all over AA. I just flitted. Every time you look, I flit in some place. A priest, Father Kelly, sent me a message. Asked that broad what she's doing in AA. I found out I wasn't dressing right. So I had to learn how to dress. I went on my first 12-step call and it was said here this weekend to never go on a 12-step call alone. Always take somebody with you. It's dangerous for you and the other person.
And when I did that, I don't know what I said to the man and his wife was sitting there, but she walked me to the door and she said, you know Liz, you're a lovely person, but do you have to have a mouth like that? And I learned that I wasn't talking right. So I'm trying. I'm not perfect yet. And the program told me I don't have to be perfect. Just progress to do better. To do better. And those are the things we have to watch in here. How you dress, how you talk, how you treat other people. In the giving of myself, I have received. And in the giving of myself, I keep. And I've trained never to say no to anyone.
I think I said it to you yesterday. When Bill put that sign out, I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere reaches out their hand for us, please let us be there. A.A. was 17 years old when I came. We're 70 years old now. A.A. had 150,000 members when I came. We have over three and a half million members, and there's six million out there waiting for every one of you people to work with. Six million. You'll never be idle.
No, you won't. There's a lot of work for you to do out there. Grab yourself a drunk when you're in trouble. Get to a meeting as fast as you can. Because after I buried my children, I went to meetings right away. Because I need your love and support. And people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. And dear God, I need you. I need you. I hope I never have to be alone. And I'm not. I was afraid to buy a recliner. I was afraid I'd get stuck in the darn thing. But God don't keep me stuck in it. I'm making my second trip across the United States now.
I've been to every one state in this state but one, and that's New Mexico. And my tapes went there two months ago. So God's in charge whether I get to Mexico or not. Not Liz. Liz is not in charge of anything. Believe me when she tells you. I don't charge nothing. I use the third step a lot.
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Relieve me of bondage of self that I may do thy will, not Liz B.'s will. Because my will was never any good, never will be any good. It has to be thy will. Keep coming. Go to the meeting you don't want to go to. That's the one you get the zinger every time. Bob, wherever that Bob is that I talked to the other day and yesterday and today, I love you. I want the best for you. And chalk all that other stuff behind you and go on with each new day. Give us this day.
They want to take the Lord's Prayer out of AA in New York, but it'll never do. No, it's been said for 70 years. And it's an AA prayer when you think of the words. And they tell you it's for all those who care to say it. You don't care to say it, don't say it, and don't put a guilt trip on yourself either. Say your own prayer. But it's a powerful prayer. Some places hold hands, those that pray together stay together. Some of them just stand. So each group is autonomous. Each group do their thing the way they want it, as long as it doesn't affect AA or their group or any group as a whole. But keep going to your meetings.
I don't think she's here today, but I told her to start her own Al-Anon group. If she hasn't got one in her area, get two people. You only need two people for a meeting. See, I don't look for crowds. Whatever God put in here, man, you're supposed to be here. Not Liz telling you to come here. God brought you here through his grace. And I hope I've said something that reached just one of you. Because if I have, then I, Liz B., I have not lived in vain. Thank you so much.