Audio
Transcript
Source: Georgia B – From Los Angeles, California – Date Unknown.mp3 File: georgia-b-from-los-angeles-california-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:03:36
============================================================
We picked her up from the airport yesterday, me and a friend. My sponsor's sponsor called her, and then my sponsor called me. And when your sponsor calls you and tells you to do something, you do it. She's never failed me. It's always worked for me. When I do what I'm told and get out of the way, then things go well. It was kind of crazy. It was a little confusing. But we got through it. You suit up and you show up.
And then we bonded in the car over cats. Now anyone who knows me knows that I love cats. I love my fur balls. I love cats. I'm not the crazy cat lady, though. She is. She's got three. I only have two. I know. I know. I'm sorry. I had to share it. So I immediately loved her because she has three fur babies. So I'm excited to hear her story. So with nothing else from me, Georgia B. from L.A. Hi, everyone. I'm Georgia. I'm an alcoholic.
We like to say that we have two plus one. Because three is kind of crazy. But two is acceptable. So we like to say that we have two cats plus one. I want to thank Angel and Aaron for picking me up at the airport. We had a fun drive in. It is interesting how you have people that you don't know pick you up in a place you've never been. It's a really weird thing. But we do it all the time. We always end up where the people we're meant to.
I want to thank Dolly. Poor, shy, sweet Dolly. She is one of the most enthusiastic people I've ever met. The first time she called, I felt like I was really the most special person coming to this weekend. And that's a wonderful thing. Thank you for that. And I've actually felt like that since I got picked up at the airport. So thank you to everyone and to all the speakers who spoke before me. I'm just going to breathe.
I'll be fine in a couple of minutes. Waiting for God to kick in. Thank you, Vivian. That was said so well earlier. He's going to be here any second. I've been sober since February 1st, 1993. I got sober when I was 24. And that makes me way older than I thought I'd ever be. I'm 47. And I realize that there's older people than that here. But this is the oldest I've ever been. And it is shocking. There is stuff happening that I do not recognize.
It's weird. I'll be out somewhere. And I'll catch a reflection of myself in a window somewhere. And I'll be like, Mom? It's so weird. I was always the youngest person in all the crowds I hung out with. So I was always the young girl. Now I'm kind of like, I'm… Ma'am. Ma'am is not cool. Do not. No. Anyway. I was born in the town, actually, I live in now. I moved away and moved back. But I live in La Crescenta in California.
And I was born there to a mom and dad, Betty and Ernie. My dad died of cancer when I was six. I didn't know much of my mom's story until much later. But my mom had to work three jobs to support us. When my dad died, she didn't know how to drive. She wasn't working at the time. We didn't have any money. And so she worked in a school cafeteria. So she'd have the same hours that I did. And she cleaned a different person's house every day.
And then on the weekends, she cleaned a church. And when she was at home, she sat in front of the TV, cussing at the TV, smoking more menthols, and was just the saddest, angriest person I thought I'd ever known, besides my grandma, her mother. And those were my two family members. My mom never dated again, never had any friends. She just worked and came home and sat in front of the TV, and that was her life.
At a young age, I started looking for ways to feel better. I don't know when it started, but I cannot remember a time that I wasn't sad and lonely. I feel like I was born singing the blues. From the moment I was born, I had these huge emotions. And there was stuff going on. Obviously, my dad died, and I, too, like Ruth,
[00:05:01]
I was the tallest girl in my class. I was about the height I am now in elementary school. And boys develop much later, so I was just like a huge ogre. And the kids at school came up with a nickname for me, and it was BFU, which stood for big, fat, and ugly. Thank you. I knew I was a victim. Never mind. But for somebody like me, my first higher power was your approval. I desperately needed your approval.
I looked to you to fill me up, to tell me I was okay, and so I was not on the right track with the BFU thing. And then in junior high, the kids came up with a nickname for me based on the size of my lips, which I will not repeat tonight, but now people pay to have their lips done, so… But I used to try and pretend like I didn't have them. I'd be like, until, you know, I start drinking, and I'm like…
But I didn't wear lipstick. I always tried to pretend like they were smaller than they were, but they were massive, and they were the first thing to develop on my face, so they were even bigger when I was younger. But anyway, I don't even know where I'm going with that, except that… So I felt uncomfortable, and I started hanging out with the older kids in the neighborhood. I had this feeling that somehow if I were older, I could understand what this life was about, like why I was here.
And I wasn't able to articulate this until I was into sobriety for a while, but I had this feeling that if somebody loved me, then I would be okay. And so that's what I sought. That's what I looked for. Because I knew if somebody loved me, then I would be okay, and I wouldn't have to worry about a job, a career, plans for the future, school, all those silly things, because I learned in the Disney movies and on the television that once you find love, everything falls into place.
And so I couldn't also articulate this until I got to the fourth column of the fourth step when I got sober, but back then I was kind of a ho. Now I thought it was love each and every one of those times, but I was just from the gate. My mom knew that she had her hands full, and she threw up her hands and just said, you're going to do whatever you're going to do, and I'd rather you do it at home. So I could smoke at home, I could drink at home, I could do whatever I wanted.
I don't remember my first drink. I remember there were adults around when I was really little, drank. And then my mom, she wasn't an alcoholic, but there was booze around. And I got arrested for drinking in public when I was 11, so I know it was already a problem at 11. At 10 I was stealing her car, I was smoking cigarettes. I smoked Marlboro Redbox, which at the time went for 55 cents. See, I am old.
I'm like, I remember when cigarettes were 55 cents! But they were. I always looked older than I was, I always felt older than I was, so I was hanging out with the older kids, and older kids were doing, you know, stuff. And so there was this really creepy older guy at 19. He was 19 and I was 12, and I couldn't bear the thought of him not liking me, and that's who I lost my virginity to. And my first suicide attempt was at age 12.
I hated myself more than you could even imagine. Well, no, all you guys probably can imagine really well. That's something we all have in common. But I hated myself desperately, and when I got sober and I was asked to make a list of what I wanted in sobriety, I had one thing, and it was just not to hate myself so much because everything was about me. And that's just as dangerous as thinking I know everything in the world and I'm wonderful as thinking I'm a piece of crap.
It's the same coin, different side of the same coin, and humility is found in this delicate balance, somewhere in between thinking you're all that and thinking you're a piece of that. So I was constantly up and down, you know, I'm better than I'm less than, I'm better than I'm less than. So I drank like a pig from the gate, obviously not a lot of social drinking back then. I drank for the effect produced.
I liked being able to check out. I liked anything that would make my pain stop. And so I was hanging out with the older kids, doing those things, and my mom, like I said, felt like I should party at home. It would be safer. So she would buy me booze from time to time. She couldn't resist a deal. So, you know, like Meister Brau's on sale, you get two cases for $2.99, you know. And so she'd bring that home and say, look, I got Meister Brau, yay.
I remember one time she came home with a bottle of tequila, and if you bought the bottle of tequila, you got two matching shot glasses. So that was the sell for her. So she was super excited about the two matching shot glasses. And she said, I got this for you and your friend Ellen
[00:10:00]
so when you watch The Facts of Life on Thursday night you can drink it. There are just so many things wrong with that sentence I'm not even sure where to start. There's the sweet and innocence of my little friend Ellen coming over to watch The Facts of Life. And then we're going to pound down a bottle of tequila. It just doesn't really make sense. There was a boy that I really did care about and I was with from the time I was 12.
He wouldn't have sex with me, so I went with that creepy older 19-year-old guy and then got back together with him. And I was with him from the time I was 12 into my 20s, on and off. I had a lot of overlapping. And then I had to go back and hurt him one more time in sobriety. One of the ways that we hurt people is by not knowing ourselves. And in that case, I did not know myself and I hurt that man over and over and over again because I kept thinking he was the one.
He was the one that was going to love me and everything was going to be okay. And everything was measured in what I was receiving. But anyway, at 13, he was 18, but I don't think he was a creepy older guy. He was my boyfriend. I was pregnant. I was pregnant. And I ended up terminating that pregnancy at the urging of my mom and my best friend and him. And I drank and used over that for a long, long time.
And I really didn't have any peace around that until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's like so many other things. It's like I'm talking to somebody and suddenly I realize that that pain is gone. And usually it's because I've shared that experience with someone else that's helped them in some way or used that experience to change something in my own life. And it's amazing to me that all of the things that I swore I'd never tell another human being, I come to AA and it's by telling those things that actually gets rid of the separateness that I felt between you and me for so long.
And then it also frees you up, to be honest, too. And that's such a beautiful thing, but back then I knew none of that, so I was just, you know, filling up everything. I believe my alcoholism gets me wherever I'm weak, so that can be food, sex, money, drugs, whatever. I am looking to fill that alcoholism. So for me it manifested in all sorts of different ways. At 13 I started starving myself. At 17 I started throwing up.
I did not get any recovery from that until I addressed my alcoholism in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I said yes to every sort of any substance that was put in front of me because I just didn't want to feel the way I felt. I stole all the time. I stole money, I stole clothes, I stole… I got whatever I needed whenever I needed. I was always looking to fill that emptiness. And I have to work a really diligent program in recovery today because my alcoholism is always looking for a way out, even now into sobriety.
So I see a plate of donuts and it's like, oh, you want a donut? And I'm like, no, I want six! So I say, no, thank you. Oh, that guy's cute. I want to have sex with him. But back then I had no program, so I was saying yes to all that stuff. I drank like a pig completely. Some of my claims to fame, I was really proud of these things. It's so bizarre. I could drink a Miller in eight seconds. Why would I know that?
Because I challenged a guy, I bet I can drink this faster than you, and then I timed it, and then I memorized it, and then I retold it to people because I thought it was cool. I could put out cigarettes with my bare feet. That's some sexy stuff. And then I also collected bottles of everything I drank, and I had it on a shelf in my room. And my room was a stye, except for these bottles that were polished beautifully.
And when I would have people to my house, because my house was the party house, we were allowed to party there, people would come into my room, and I'd be like, eh? Eh? It's so weird, it's so gross. So it was awkward, all these things were happening, I was looking for love, I was heartbroken, blah, blah, blah. I'm crazy, hormones raging, and I'm having these parties at my house, trying to find my way, and my mom is sitting in the living room, having worked two jobs each day, watching TV, and my friends would come and knock at the door, and she would be upset about being interrupted, because there wasn't DVR at that time, and it would be during the thrilling conclusion, and she would say, who's that scratching at the door?
[00:15:00]
And one of my innocent friends would be like, hi, is Georgia here? And she'd say, she's in the opium den, which was my room. And I was so embarrassed. Our house was a mess. Our yard was a mess. My mom was embarrassing, I thought. And I was humiliated. And we had cats, but really a lot of cats, not just two plus one. But we had a lot. I'm not even going to tell you how many, because it's weird. So we had a lot of cats.
And my mom would talk to them while I had friends in my room. And I would hear her from the living room scream, get down! Oh my god. And I would be so embarrassed. And the way that I learned to deal with that is that we started playing a game that each time my mom would yell that, no matter what we were doing, we would stop, and we get down. And then we'd just go back to doing whatever we were doing.
It was hard, though, because I loved my mom so much. But I was horribly embarrassed by her and blamed her for my life, my loneliness. So somehow I made it through school. I'm not even sure how. Going to continuation, going to summer school, always a pattern in my life was already in play back then, which was I would run my life into the ground. And there was nobody saying, gee, maybe you should go to school.
Or maybe you should think about a future. There was nobody. So it was me. So I'd pull myself up by my bootstraps right before everything was going to come crashing down. And I'd start over. I was a multiple restarter. And I would start over again. But then it was getting harder and harder each time. And that's what was happening for me. I made it through school. My mom moved away when I was 17 to live with her mother.
She claimed bankruptcy and moved to live with my grandma. And my grandma may be the meanest person that I ever knew. She changed later in life. But at this time, she was. And she said that she was not an alcoholic. She said, you know, your grandma's not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. And I'm like, hello, thesaurus. Same thing, but whatever. So she would say, you know, I'm just a drunk. And she said, but I only have one drink a day.
And it was this massive tumbler that she'd refill. So I'm not sure how she didn't count that as more. Whatever. Vodka was a splash, a punch. And every holiday, every long weekend, we had to go to grandma's house. We never went on any family trips. We only went to my grandma's house. And when we would go, my mom and grandma would smoke and watch TV all day. And then we'd go out to dinner somewhere where they'd go to a bar, they'd leave me in the car, and they'd spend a couple hours at the bar.
Then they'd go to dinner. Then we'd go back to the house where we'd shut the door, they'd smoke and watch TV. And I couldn't breathe. And I'd be like going to open the door and crack it a little bit, shut the door, you're letting the smoke out. I was like, hated, hated going there. And then my grandma would come in at night when I'd go to bed, and she'd lean over, and she'd tell me how I ruined my mom's life, and what a horrible child I was, and how if my dad was alive, how disappointed he'd be in me.
And then she'd tell me that she wasn't going to live very much longer, and that I better start treating her better. And then she would tell me that she loved me, and then she'd leave me to go to sleep. And I could not stand this woman. I just thought she was the meanest woman in the world. So my mom went to go live with her, and I was like, fine. So I've been on my own since I was 17. I ended up getting a great job straight out of school.
And part of my story is back-to-back relationships, a lot of overlapping. Because what I would do in this searching I was doing for love is I would meet somebody and fall in love, or whatever it was, and I would feel those butterflies, those wonderful butterflies, and everything was better. The sky was bluer, the flowers were prettier, every song was my favorite, all of these wonderful feelings. And then after a relationship goes on for a little bit, those feelings, the butterflies kind of die down.
But in a mature relationship, a long-lasting love replaces that. There was none of that going on. So when the butterflies would start dying off, I would blame you, because clearly you put them there. And if they're not there anymore, then it's because you're doing something wrong. And if you love me, you'd do that again, whatever makes those butterflies. So I would blame you, I would punish you, and then I'd find somebody to replace you that gave me butterflies.
Then I'd break up with you, or you'd break up with me, and then I'd be a victim, and I would do this overlapping over, and over, and over, just looking to fill that emptiness. Which, by the way, never got filled until I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And to this day, the only way that that emptiness inside gets filled is by giving. It's by being of service. Getting is good. It feels good, but it never fills that emptiness, never.
[00:20:03]
But that's what I was doing, and so there was lots of overlapping. I had another suicide attempt in my teens. And then now I'm on my own. I am having, now, affairs with married men. I started to like my men pre-screened, you might say. It was getting hard to get to know them, but if you had somebody, you've obviously done the research. So really awful, awful. And it's funny. I think about the way I drink, and I would drink anything.
I drank Old English 800s. I liked 10 High. I liked vodka quite a bit. I really liked everything. I would drink anything. And I watched Sex in the City in reruns today, because it's my favorite show still. And I watched the girls. They go out, and they have these fabulous drinks and these fabulous glasses. And they have Cosmopolitans, which I've never had, and these flavored martinis. And I think, oh, that looks so lovely.
I bet I could do that. And I think about it in the beautiful glasses, maybe put on a beautiful dress and go out and laugh and drink in the bar and talk about Mr. Big. And then I remember that the way I drink is with a funnel and a hose. I never, this never happened. That was one of my claims to fame, too, is I could beer bong five beers at once. And it took a lot of projectile vomiting to hit that number, but I was able to do that pretty well for a long time.
As I said, I did a lot of other things. And I went through different phases of using different substances, but when it would get out of control, I could always stop, because there was alcohol. Like, oh, I've got to cut that out. That's crazy. And then I would drink. But what was happening was getting harder and harder to restart, harder and harder to restart. And so I was in my 20s. I had had yet another suicide attempt, which actually I'll tell you about just really quickly, because it demonstrates the better than less than thing.
So I'm in between. It's time for me to do some overlapping in my relationships. I'm leaving the married man for another one, or I'm looking for the next victim. And I'm just heartbroken. My world is so small. My friends, I don't have a lot of friends. I don't have anyone that I can really reach out to. My mom and grandma are up north living together, and they're crazy, and I'm not really too close with them.
And I'm just really lonely, and I decide I can't live this way anymore. So I take a bottle of pills, and I drink a bottle of vodka. And then it occurs to me that nobody's going to find me. And I'm like, oh no. So I find a number for Suicide Hotline, and I call the number, because I think I've really gone overboard this time, this actually might work. And so I call, and this is a true story. There was no answer.
I recently just found my suicide note from that day, which is so weird that I kept it. I didn't even know I kept it, but I found it last weekend. And I wrote that in the note to my roommate that I called Suicide Hotline, and there was no answer. So I found another suicide prevention number. I called that, and I told the guy what I drank and what I took. And I said, if I make myself sick, will I be OK?
And he said, no, no, no, no. You need to call 911. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't want to do that. That seems really dramatic. And he said, no, you need to call 911 and call me back. And I never called him back, but I did call 911. And I said, OK, so this is what I drank. This is what I took. Can I make myself sick? And they said, no, we need to send an ambulance. I'm like, OK, it's cool, though. I mean, you can hear me.
I'm like, I'm fine. You don't need the sirens and all that. And the next thing I hear is, woo-woo, woo-woo, you know, and running down the hall of the apartment building. And they bust into my apartment, and the paramedics come in, and they are totally hot. So I'm like, hey, how are you doing? They're like, we need to get you on the stretcher. So get on the stretcher. We go to the hospital, and I have my stomach pumped.
And when you have your stomach pumped, they then fill you full of charcoal. So I've got the charcoal frown, you know, but I'm still working it with the frown. I've got the charcoal frown. Talking to them, and I talked. They're supposed to keep you on a 72-hour hold, but we're really good at talking our way out of things. So I talked the therapist into letting me leave, and he let me leave, and I went home, slept it off.
And then I woke up, and I realized that the paramedic station was just right across the street. So I'm going to go over and say hello. It's so embarrassing, truly. So I went over, and I said, hi, remember me? You took me to the hospital last night. I tried to kill myself.
[00:25:01]
How's it going? Oh my gosh. Luckily, they were used to dealing with crazy people, so they knew how to get me out of there quickly. So it was right about that time that my roommate had a brother whose wife had kicked him out because he had a little problem with crack cocaine. But he was better now. He hadn't been to a program or anything. He was just better. It was magic. So he moved in with us, and the thing I liked most about him was that he was crazy about me, and it absolutely did not matter how I felt about him at all.
It was all about what was coming in. It was always about what was coming in. But there was a problem, and that was he wasn't done. And I don't know about you, but it's hard to be around somebody who has a different buzz. I don't know, like when you used to go to parties for me in the 80s, there'd be a kegger party, and then like five people would walk into the bathroom, and you'd be like, why are they all in there together?
And then they come out, and they're like, hey. And it is so creepy and gross until you get invited into the bathroom. And then you're like, oh yeah, and then you go in, and you come out. Yeah, where's the keg? So it was like that with Danny. I said, I want to do whatever you're doing. And he said, no, you don't. And I said, no, I really do, because I couldn't break up with him. Honestly, the option was break up with him or do it.
So I started doing that with him. And within six months, I lost everything. I got evicted from where I lived. I got fired from my job. And he sold my car for a piece of crack cocaine, which at the time went for $20. And I had no place to go, really, like no place, except I have a best friend. Her name's Diana, and we grew up together. We've been best friends since kindergarten. And she and I grew up together, partying together.
She grew out of it, moved to San Diego, was going to school, having a big life. And I stayed in our hometown, and I was circling the drain. But her parents still lived in our hometown. And she said, I called my parents. You can go stay with them. They have a room in their basement. And so I went to live there with nothing. And I'd been to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous before with friends who really needed it, like your friend Phyllis, clearly.
She was in bad shape. I would have been there for her. But I just knew it wasn't for me. So I white-knuckled it for like a couple days. And then I'd drink, and then I'd white-knuckle it. And I was keeping track of it on a calendar, because I'm really into record keeping. And so I'm like counting the days, scratching it off. And it was a lot of paperwork. And so I got to the point where I could be drunk and miserable, or sober and miserable.
And I picked drunk and miserable. And I poured my first guilt-free drink. Oh, it felt so good. It was white zin in the box. And I poured it. And I was literally sipping on that glass. And the phone rang. And it was a guy who worked with my friend Diana. And he was sober eight years at that time. And he said, I'm friends with Diana. And I understand you have a problem with alcohol. And I said, I do.
And he said, I want to give you the number of a woman to call. And he gave me the number of Pat Y. And I called this Pat Y. And she said, my husband Vince and I are going to a meeting. Why don't you come with us? And I said, OK. And still, I get goosebumps. Every time I tell this, that a stranger called me, gave me the number of another stranger who took me to a room full of strangers, and I've been sober ever since.
It's incredible. And I believe that that's God's grace. And I don't know how often anything would line up like that for me again. I do not take my sobriety lightly. I plan my life around my sobriety. My sobriety is the focal point. It is the most important thing. And I think that's one of the reasons, other than me desperately still wanting you to like me, that I get so nervous when I talk. Because it feels like such a huge responsibility to share with you what Alcoholics Anonymous has done to me, how it's changed me.
So I went to that meeting. And I felt hope for the first time in a long time. And Pat said, I'll be your sponsor until you find one. And I took that literally. And so I started looking for another sponsor. But she was my sponsor for the first 30 days. And she really started me out on getting that first, getting my foundation going, which was getting to regular meetings on regular days. OK, I can do that.
And then she added, get a commitment at those meetings. Ooh, OK. Oh, okay, I can do that. And I was maybe two weeks sober and a family friend came forward
[00:30:01]
and told me all these secrets that my mom had kept from me. And I always wondered, I always felt like there was something that my mom and grandma had kept from me. I'd asked them a million times, but I just always had that sense that they weren't being honest, but I could never put my finger on it. And I was always kind of paranoid anyway, so I let go of that idea until this family friend decided to come forward and tell me these things.
And so I was so mad and just self-righteous and full of entitlement. And I did something differently though already, which was I wrote all those secrets that that person told me on a piece of paper and I took them to Pat. Normally, I would have just picked up the phone, called my mom, told her what I thought about her because that's integrity, telling people what you really think. That's what I thought integrity was.
And I had integrity. I told people what I thought because I was just being honest. What, do you want me to lie? I don't lie. So I called Pat and I said, I found all these secrets. I knew it. And she said, it's so good that you have them written down in your book because you're going to need them later. But for right, and I didn't know what she meant, but she was referring to the inventory process. But what she said is, for now, I want you to work on being a good daughter and granddaughter.
And I just thought how sad it was about her hearing problem because she's deaf. Oh my God. So I had no idea what being a good daughter or granddaughter meant. And so we came up with a formula because I take things really literally. And so we decided that I would call once a week, I'd write once a week, and I'd visit as often as I could. If I were doing these things, I would know that I was a good daughter, regardless of what they said.
And I used to only call when things were really bad. So like, I have no place to live, I have no money, I don't know what's going to happen, I'm really drunk, and then I wouldn't call for months. Because again, I would tell them the truth. Like, yeah, no, Danny sold my car for some crack, yeah. I mean, I would tell them the truth because I thought that that was integrity. And I didn't realize how much that was hurting them.
I thought because they threw their hands up, it meant that they didn't care. It didn't mean that they didn't care. It meant that they didn't know what to do and they didn't have the tools. So when I first started calling, every time I called, they'd say, oh, my God, we thought you were dead, are you okay? I'd say, yeah, I'm fine, and how are you? And I'd always have like a topic like, huh, looks like a cold weather front coming in.
You know, or whatever, or something on TV, you know, whatever I could think of. How's this week's episode of Law and Order? It's really, really awkward and so uncomfortable. And then all the while, I was hating them. And I knew these secrets that they kept from me. So I'm making the call, I'm sending a card once a week. And at first, I would just write, love, Georgia. But eventually, I started writing about adventures in my sobriety, you know, stuff that was going on in my life.
I heard how you were doing that with your family. So I started writing longer letters. And then I started thinking about, you know, each week, I'm making this call, I'm sending the card and, you know, weeks are going by and I'm thinking, because I get grandiose, I'm thinking how much they must be enjoying these and how they're probably savoring every word and rereading them from time to time. And maybe they have them in a beautiful box or maybe they have them tied with a bow.
I wonder how they're keeping them. And so I called, I made my weekly call. And my mom said, well, we got your card. But grandma's been having to wipe them out to reuse them. And we're wondering if you can start writing them in pencil. Thank you. That was a really good response. Gasp. Pause for gasp. So I did. I wrote those cards in pencil. And I'm going to tell you why. Because I now, I had a sponsor who told me that I could take all my problems to her and I would never have to do anything alone ever again.
I had this amazing fellowship. I had all of these tools. I was starting to have an experience of a higher power through taking these actions I didn't believe in. All of a sudden, I had all these amazing tools. And my mom and grandma were still sitting in their dueling reclining chairs, cussing at the TV and smoking all day. That's what they did all day and talked about how they got screwed. And so for me to come at them with anything but love was like me coming at them with an Uzi and them shooting back with a water pistol.
So I wrote those damned cards in pencil for a while. And I punished them by writing a little bit less. But I don't think they noticed. But I kept that going. And something else about my mom and grandma, they felt that I should always have to call them, that that was my duty, that they should never have to call me. And I mean this to the degree that they would say, well, we wanted to wish you a happy birthday, but you didn't call.
And so I learned that on my birthday, I could wake up and I could think like I did every year, I know they're not going to call, and watch the phone and look at the answering machine and say, I know they're not going to call. I know they're not going to call. I knew it at the end of the day. And or what I learned in AA is that I could wake up on my birthday and pick up the phone and say, hey, it's my birthday.
[00:35:00]
I just want to tell you I love you. Boom, done. Enjoy your day. Like crazy stuff like that I was learning in AA. I learned that if a song was on the radio and it made you cry, you could change the station. I swear to God, I know. I, just so you know, I'm actually a pretty smart person, but some things just like, like I, that never occurred to me. And I'm just going to tell you, I don't even know, I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but there's a weatherman in Los Angeles named Dallas Rains.
And he's been there since I was, I think since I was a teenager. So you're like, okay, he's been there 25 years to 30 years. And it, I'm watching the news three nights ago. And I go, oh my God, he's a weatherman and his last name is Rains. And so I, I call my fiancee, I'm like, Gary, Gary, come here. Dallas Rains, you get it? He's a weatherman. And he's like, are you kidding me? I guess I just prioritize things.
And that was not a priority to think about. Anyway, so I really thought Alcoholics Anonymous was not about drinking, but it was teaching me all these things that I, I just didn't know. So I'm, I'm getting about the business of getting through the steps. I got a sponsor who was closer to me in time, Tracy J. She was sober, I think six or seven years at that time, and she was super active. So I just kind of did whatever she did.
I went wherever she went. And started going through those steps. And I changed sponsors a couple times in my first couple years. And I now have Marilyn S. has been my sponsor since I turned two. Who was here a couple years ago. So anyway, so I'm, I'm going through this process. And you know, now that I'm sober, I'm thinking, well, I'm sober now. You know, I should quit smoking, go on a diet, get a good exercise regime.
I should probably go back to school. I hate school. So I don't know why that was, I just thought it sounded good. Because I always like to talk about what I'm going to do. And you know, it's time for a relationship. And luckily, my sponsor at the time said, you know, I want you to work on getting your first year foundation. I kept hearing about that in our group. Get a first year foundation. That is on which the rest of your sobriety is going to be built.
All the time and energy you'd want to put into a relationship, put that into AA. All the time and energy you'd want to put into going into school, put that into getting your steps done. Get a little job to go to in between meetings. Don't quit smoking. No major decisions. And no relationship for your first year. And I just don't even know what that looks like. I've had a boyfriend since I was 10. So I, it just was shocking.
But I, I made the decision that I would do everything I was asked to do. And then when it didn't work, I could go back to my glamorous life. Luckily, I haven't been able to say that. And so, miracle upon miracle, I made it to that first year. And in our group, we have a watch where everybody gathers after the whatever meeting is that night. And they gather in at midnight. They gather around your table and count down 10, 9, 8.
And it's so exciting. And at 1, everybody sings happy birthday. And then everybody shakes your hand as they leave. And there were a couple hundred people at my watch. And I knew everybody's name except one. Which I thought, in just a year, how, you know, I got to see how quickly this room of strangers became my family. And I had committed to follow that sponsor's direction. And so, I'm guessing it was about 1.30 a.m.
I consummated a relationship with my new fella. And so, so I followed the direction. I didn't get in a relationship for a year and an hour and a half. And we were engaged 10 days later. And then we got married six months later. And we were together my first five years. And, you know, I joke about that and stuff. But he is really a good man. We're both still in the same home group. And it's because we always put AA first.
We always stayed close to our sponsors. We treated each other with respect, given direction from my sponsor, via that direction, not this. I followed good direction. And I've always had sponsorship that told me that I wasn't allowed to leave my meeting when I felt uncomfortable. So when I was going through this, I couldn't change my meetings. That I had to go to the meetings. I didn't necessarily have to seek him out.
But if I ran into him, I wasn't to avoid him. And I also was not to do what I would tend to do, which would be like, hey, how you doing, you look good. Is everything okay? Are you eating okay? Everything okay? It's just so gross. So I was, my sponsor said that I would, if I saw him, that I was to say, it's good to see you, have a good meeting. That I was not to ask any questions. That I was only to make statements.
[00:40:02]
And so, I got sober at 24. So let me just say that I've said, it's good to see you. Have a great meeting. Many times. Yeah. So, my life was operating at a high velocity at this time. I was going to tons of meetings. I was working with new people. I was giving people rides. I was taking classes. I was, just like my life was so full from morning until night. Action, action, action. And what happened was, I had some back problems.
And I'd had a minor surgery early in sobriety. But I had to have a major surgery. And I was one of those people where there were complications. And I ended up being bedridden for about a year. And it changed everything. I had to learn a whole new way to work a program. And how to have a relationship with a higher power. Because my relationship with a higher power was at a high velocity. That's how I found it.
So it was a whole different world. But I'm just going to back up a little bit. When Mark and I split up, I got involved with someone right away. Surprise. I bet you didn't see that coming. It's been an issue. Relationships have been the hardest thing in my sobriety. I think I've had a lot of health issues. But relationships have definitely been a challenge. So I got involved with this guy. And I thought he was going to be the one.
Although, now I was sober. I didn't think I was doing that anymore. But I was rediscovering me. The me that was out there drinking. I was in this bubble of the new me. And then the old me started appearing in all these horrible ways. And this was one. And so I got involved with him right away. So I had this surgery. And I was diagnosed with something called reflex sympathetic dystrophy. Which is a disease of your sympathetic nervous system.
So I had a lumbar fusion where they went in the front. My recovery time was going to be six months. Just as it was. Then I had this thing happen. And now I'm going to the hospital three times a week. And I'm getting cervical and lumbar punctures. Where they go into your cord. And I'm getting that three times a week. I'm getting IVs in my leg. I mean, it's completely graphic and horrible. And I just thought, how did this happen?
And I'm losing everything. I can't keep my job. I can't keep my apartment. I can't drive. I can't keep my car. And then the boyfriend says that he'll consider a relationship and a commitment with me when I'm well. And he dumps me. And I am, yeah, see? And it's not just me. So I do have to say, because sometimes I forget to say this. That guy and I are really good friends today. So much so that when his cousin was living in a park four years ago and had no place to go, he called me and had him come to the Midnight Mission, and now that guy is sober and doing really well.
But because those, you know, we clean house. And that was not left undone. But back then it was. I was heartbroken. And I called Marilyn. I'm like, and now I got dumped. And at the time, she was taking care of her mom. And she was learning to play guitar. So oftentimes when I'd call her, I'd hear her playing guitar in the background. And so this was no different. So I said, and now I got dumped. And she said, oh, this sounds like a wonderful country western song.
And she started playing a country chord progression on her guitar, and she sang my blues. And I laughed so hard. And that's been one of the greatest things in my sobriety is finding humor in everything. And thanks to a sponsor like Marilyn, who finds humor in all of my dark moments. She is one of the funniest people on the planet, thank God. And she will not let me wallow too long. So she's funny. She gives direction.
So this is Marilyn. So I say, well, I've got option A. Or I could do option B. And she'll say, well, you could do option A. Or you could fight for the good. It's up to you. Hmm. So right before all of this happened, I want to back up just a little bit. I was still sending the cards to my mom and grandma every week. And I accidentally slipped one through in pen. I don't know. Maybe it was a Freudian thing.
I don't know. But I made the weekly call, and my mom mentioned it. And I was not feeling that spiritual at that moment when she said, we got your card. It was in pen. And I thought, hmm. So I said, oh, look at the time. We've got to run. And I called Marilyn. And this is the. I'm done, I don't owe them anything else, I'm done, and she said, I think you've made
[00:45:04]
a wonderful amends to your mother and grandmother and you don't owe them anything else, and I said, yeah, and she said, however, I think it would be a wonderful spiritual exercise if you continued to do so, and so I did, and I did that all that time I was sick, and my mom and grandma were not there, they could not be here, they could not get in a car and come see me, they live 200 miles away, and they just couldn't, but it was AA who took care of me, and every time I thought that there should be somebody there that isn't, there is always somebody there, that I had babysitters every night, I had to be taken care of, I had to have people feed me, help me bathe, I mean, everything, and those people who were coming to babysit me are people I would have never sat down to have a cup of coffee with, and I got to know these people on a completely different level, and I look back at all these seemingly bad times in my sobriety, and they turn out to be some of the most beautiful, the time where I've laughed the hardest, I've felt the most, I've had the best time, I've had that connection with other people that I desperately wanted my whole life, but it's hard to know when you're in that moment, it's like I look back and I see how beautifully orchestrated my life was, but right now, I'm pretty sure the orchestra is hitting a bad note, and this is it, this time it's not going to work, so I'm in the midst of all of that, and I am heartbroken, and you know, I can pray for a character defect to be removed, but what normally happens is an assignment appears, and in this case it was a man in our group, his name was Mike Finch, and he had Lou Gehrig's disease, and I watched him go from walking and talking to being in a wheelchair paralyzed from the neck down, but I never saw his joy dissipate, he loved AA, he used to say there's no cure for ALS except for AA, and he sponsored all these guys, and he'd get them in the van, it was like get in the van, and at first he lived in Las Vegas, and he came up to our Wednesday night meeting every week, and then he lived in San Diego and did the same thing, and he was such an attraction to me, and I was so full of self-pity and uselessness, and I learned that the way I could be of service at that time was to let people help me, because I was always the one who was going to see people when they were sick, and bringing meetings to their house after surgery, and how good that made me feel to allow somebody to help me was another way I could be of service, it was really, really hard though to learn that, so Mike and I become friends, and then we became more than friends, and then I got to spend the last six months of his life with him, and I would not have chosen to fall in love with somebody that was going to die, but we never know how much time we have, and we fell in love, and it was a wonderful time, it was scary, and horrible, and tragic, and gross, and fun, and it was all of those things, but I got to feel every bit of it, and there was a woman in our group who lost her son, I guess it's like 13 years now, and she was so, so depressed, and people were saying you should get some outside help, and she said I want to feel every bit of emotion about anything that has to do with this boy, this glorious boy, and I think about her at times like this where I got to feel all of those feelings, and I don't want to miss any more moments anymore, I just don't, and so I was able to be of service to Mike in a way that I never even imagined I was possible of, so in falling in love with him, I ended up finding something redeemable in me that I didn't know existed. I'm debating on whether to go down the, it's coming, so I'm just going to, okay, so certain things were still in operation, and so that was another thing that I learned about myself, because it was always about what was coming in, but I was able to love him in a way that he had not been loved in this condition, and I did not think I was capable of that, because it was always about me, how I looked, how I, you know, how are you seeing me, how are you loving me, and it was this whole other thing that I never knew, I never knew, and when my dad was dying, he had stomach cancer, and they did all these operations, and when they got to the end, they ran out of stuff to do, so they did a guinea pig operation, and they left this big hole in his stomach, and so he would be in a chair kind of back, and I just remember him just being kind of stuck there, because if he moved, stuff happened, and my mom would have to put tubes of medicine and stuff in there, and I was daddy's little girl, and I wanted to help, and I'm, you know, six years old, and I'm like, can I help, and so my mom let me help, and I was holding on to the tube, and I got scared, and I let go, and it sprayed all over, and it was one of those memories, like I'm walking through life in my teens, in my twenties, whatever, and all of a sudden, it comes into my head, you know, like, ah, you know, I'd flash back to that.
I didn't think that AA was going to help me with that, but now I'm with Mike, he gets to the point where he can't eat anymore, and he gets a feeding tube, and he says, I want Georgia to feed me, and I'm like, oh, no, oh, no, no, and he said, no, I really want
[00:50:03]
you to, and I said, well, you have to tell me if it sprays all over, that'll be okay, and he said, no, that would be really bad, and then I explained to him what had happened with my dad, and he said, well, let's just try, you know, and so I did, and I walked through that, and then I became the number one feeder and medicine giver, no, I got this, and it was just, I just never, there's so many things like that that have happened in Alcoholics Anonymous that I just, I thought it was all about not drinking, and so AA took care of us, you know, my health was still not great, but I wasn't dying, Mike was, you know, near the end, and it was AA that took care of us, and I was close with his family, they always really loved me, and I felt like it was almost too much, I was with Mike his last six years, and they wanted, I mean, six months, and they wanted to put something on his tombstone in honor of our relationship, and he had been married before, but his wife ended up going out, she was in Alcoholics Anonymous, she went out and had left him, just like my boyfriend had left me, and that's how we came together, and I just always felt like they gave me too much credit, and then it wasn't until just a few years ago on Facebook I found out why, it was the anniversary of Mike's death, and I posted these pictures, and his mom commented, and told me this story on Facebook that I never knew, which was Mike had made the decision that when it got to the point where he couldn't eat anymore, that he was going to go into a medically induced coma, he didn't want to have any extraordinary measures, he didn't want to have the feeding tube, but then Mike and I hooked up at the Mountain High Conference, and he came back from that conference, and he called a family meeting, and he said, I want the feeding tube, which is so cool, so that, I finally found, I was like, oh, okay, so they credited me with those extra six months, which was, you know, it was such an honor and a privilege to be a part of his life, and I'm still close with his family now.
About a month before Mike died, my grandma died, and I had been able to be a good granddaughter to her, and I'd been a good daughter to my mom, and I'd learned the most valuable lesson through all of that was that what you do on your side of the street is none of my business, I am only responsible for my side of the street, so the dirtier yours is, the cleaner mine needs to be, and how my mom and grandma reacted didn't matter, it was that in taking these loving actions, I was experiencing love, whether they received it that way, or understood it that way, or even gave it back, in taking those actions, all that love was swirling, so it was the right thing to do, but as a result, my relationship with them got better.
I saw Alcoholics Anonymous rippling into their lives without them ever going to a meeting or cracking a book, and it was powerful, and my health today, just to wrap that up, so I went through that long period of probably about a year of being bedridden, and today I still suffer from chronic pain, and I choose to treat it with Pilates and Alcoholics Anonymous, so you may have wonderful suggestions, but this is what's working for me, so let's just leave it at that.
People always have really interesting things they want me to try, but we don't need to talk about that, with all due respect. So my grandma passed away, Mike passed away, and my health was getting better, I got a little car, I moved back to LA, got a little job, and my mom asked to see me, so I drove up to where she lived, and we talked, I stayed for the weekend, and we talked, and she told me her whole story, and I never felt it necessary to bring those secrets up with her, and I was now 7 years sober, and that's what she wanted to talk to me about, she said, I was waiting for grandma to be gone, because a lot of these have to do with your grandma, and out of respect for her, I needed to wait.
And so we sat down, and she basically did like a fist up with me, she just told me her whole story, and that was that when my grandma was 8, she was sent to live with another family, which was typical at that time, if a family couldn't afford both kids, they send a kid to go live with another family, but at that house, my grandma was molested, and was basically the house girl, she never went to another day of school.
The way that she got out of that was she got pregnant with my mom at 18, she didn't want a kid, the guy who got her pregnant didn't want a kid, and the guy, my mom's dad, ended up having an affair and leaving my grandma before my mom was even born, and then my grandma was 18 years old, and she was running wild, and she was full-blown, not an alcoholic, but a drunk, because we have to diagnose ourself there, and she said she wasn't one, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, so she was doing whatever she was doing, and she was putting my mom in different convent schools, leaving her there for summers, forgetting her, and then when she would bring her home, my grandma had turned to a life of prostitution and racketeering, and she was hanging out with characters like that, that then, when she would bring my mom there, my mom was being physically abused, sexually abused, my mom was pregnant at 15 and 16 with children that she put up for adoption, and while she was pregnant with those children, my grandma kicked her out because she felt like it was her husband that got my mom pregnant, and that it must have been my mom's fault, because this man
[00:55:00]
molested her, and left her to live on the streets of Hollywood, where she slept in doorways, and she begged for food, and I knew nothing about this. I knew nothing about my mom's life. This whole story she told me was far worse than any story I've heard inside or outside of Alcoholics Anonymous to this day, and it was coming out of my mom's mouth, and I couldn't believe it, and she did tell me those secrets that I had written in the book, which were that my mom and dad were never married.
My mom was actually my dad's mistress. Ah, that makes sense. That's why we weren't at his funeral. That's why his side of the family didn't stay in touch with me. Got it. All these things started coming together. The family friend said that my mom had embezzled the money that my dad had left me, because the money came to me, not to her, because she was the mistress, but she used the money to take care of us, so it wasn't like she embezzled it, so some of the information I got wasn't correct, but this stuff she was telling me was incredible, and I was so glad that I'd been taught to treat my mom and grandma like they were these amazing people, even though I didn't believe it, because it turned out my mom was my hero.
She was a rock star. I couldn't believe that she kept me in the same house for 17 years before she left for me to graduate. She never had that. She never had any of that. I thought my poor little life was so sad. My life was a dream compared to my mom, compared to my grandma's. My mom was abused and betrayed by every single person she trusted in her life, including the church that she belonged to, and another one she tried to go to, and all of the adults in her life.
What she did with all of that is she turned into a hoarder, the kind that you see on TV, and I can't even watch those shows. I wanted to fix my mom. I wanted to call the authorities and have them come in and, I don't know what, make her better and get rid of all that stuff, and luckily I had a sponsor who helped me love my mom exactly where she was, and I got to know this magnificent woman, and I started to have this mad crush on her because I'd taken all my mommy stuff to my sponsor and to my friends, and I got to just know her.
I'd spent my whole life being mad at my mom for not giving me something she never possessed. I believed that she had it and was withholding it from me, but she never had it. It wasn't like she was withholding it. It was amazing to have that revelation and that I'd taken all the right actions before I found out the truth, which just goes to show that all I'm responsible for is my side of the street, and so I was able to have this new relationship with my mom, and I've been through a lot in the last 22 years.
I've been married and divorced a couple of times. I've been in and out of relationships. I've had a lot of health problems. I've smoked, not smoked, smoked, not smoked, smoked, not smoked. Right now I don't smoke. The one thing that remains consistent is that I haven't picked up a drink, and I was able to be there at the end when my mom got sick. My mom got sick in 2004. She had lung cancer, and it went to her bones, and then it went to her brain, and I had had kind of a little training with Mike, so when my mom got sick, I was able to jump in there, and I wasn't afraid, and I'd done all this work to create this intimacy between us with the cards, and the cards, and the calls, and the consistency, and so I moved in with her the last three months, and this story explains my mom so beautifully.
She was 75 years old. She's sick as a dog, and we go to the hospital for yet another test. I can't imagine why, but whatever, so the x-ray technician comes out. My mom looks him straight in the face, and she says, this won't affect my ability to bear children, will it? She was the funniest person, and I would have missed it all had I followed the well-meaning people in my life, the therapists that I lied to, that talked about confronting, and boundaries, and all of this stuff, but in AA, I was taught about love and tolerance, and I got to experience this incredible woman, and I'm so grateful.
When she died, I thought I would die. She was my last family member. I have nobody required by blood or law to love me today. Alcoholics Anonymous is my family, and next to getting sober, the greatest thing that's happened to me is that I work on Skid Row at the Midnight Mission, where I get to take all the hope and love I get in these rooms, and I get to take that to Skid Row every day, where I run into people who have had all the yets happen.
We talk about the yets. My relationships are different today. I always was looking for somebody to complete me, like in Jerry Maguire, right? It's so romantic. You complete me, or whatever. I love that idea, but if you complete me, that means I'm incomplete without you, and now you're responsible. And now you're responsible for completing me, which means I'm going to resent you. Because you're not going to give me the butterflies.
You're not going to complete me. I can't complete me. Now you have to. And if you don't, I hate you. I'm going to cheat on you. So what happened was, with double digit sobriety, I hit
[01:00:07]
a point where I was so depressed. Because I wasn't willing to do all the stuff I was willing to do when I was new. Because I thought it was different. I had double digit sobriety. I was having all these health problems. And my life got really small. And I got to the point where I wanted to kill myself. But I thought, if you kill yourself, you have to come back and repeat this life. And I thought, no way.
I'm halfway done. I'm not doing this again. And I can't drink. So how do I best want to pass my time? And it was during that time I started volunteering at the Midnight Mission. And then became a full time employee about six years ago. But I went through the steps again with Marilyn and increased my program. And I tapped back into that joy that's always available. The solution to all of my problems is the same, addressing my spiritual condition.
And the way I do that is going to meetings, working with new people, calling my sponsor, praying, reading the big book, doing the steps, all of those things. If I just focus on that, relationship problems seem to resolve, work problems seem to resolve. Health problems don't necessarily resolve, but I'm better able to deal with them. And so my relationships are different today because I'm complete. I am really, really grateful.
I'm grateful for everyone who's gone before me. Many of you know Marilyn, who is like, I still, when she enters a room, I get butterflies in my stomach. I love her. Several years ago, I guess it's three years, her son, who's so cute. I had a crush on him, but I knew better than to take him down the cuckoo lane. But he was adorable. And he got married. And he was a normie and was in this happy relationship.
And a rock climber. And out of nowhere, he took his own life. And I just didn't know how Marilyn was going to survive. I didn't know how she was going to keep breathing in and out. I just didn't know. Her family's so close. And I wanted to help. I wanted to crawl in bed with her. And she hates that. And she hates all that. Like, for God's sake, just let us mow your lawn. We need something to do. But I have always loved music.
And music has always been a huge part of my life. And I wanted to be a singer and all this stuff. And I always thought it was kind of cruel that God would give me this passion and then have me suck at it. And so what I had to learn was that if I have that passion, maybe I'm not going to use it exactly the way I want to. Like, I've started a music program at the Midnight Mission, and I've been able to use this love of music in other ways.
And in this way, Marilyn asked me if I would sing at her son's funeral. And I thought, how am I going to do this? And I'm like, yeah, how am I going to make it not about me for a five-minute song? She's given me 19 years of her life. OK, I can do it for five minutes. But my life is incredible today. And it's all because of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I watched Marilyn survive that by not missing a meeting, taking all of our calls, putting AA first.
And I watch you all walk through things that I think you can't, which lets me know that I can. And I am so grateful to have A Way of Life today. Thank you.