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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Unknown Speaker – SPONTANEOUS ALATHON – RS 06451.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-unknown-speaker-spontaneous-alathon-rs-06451.mp3 Duration: 01:29:08
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I think many of our number must be still in line for their lunch, but I'm sure they will join us as the afternoon moves on. Am I standing too close or too far away? Am I echoing like a bell in a church steeple? Well, ding dong. I can't do a thing about it. But perhaps some of the people that will share with us this afternoon will have less of a southern accent than I and will be more understandable.
My name is Virginia, and I am a member of the Queen City Al-Anon Family Group in Charlotte, North Carolina. Hi, everybody. In my part of the country, we open our meetings with a serenity prayer. I know that meetings at this convention are opened with a moment of silence and closed with a serenity prayer. But as a chairman, I take the prerogative of both opening and closing with a serenity prayer this afternoon because I always need the serenity prayer at the beginning of a meeting.
Silenced sometimes, I only hear my own thoughts, and they aren't always good. So will you join me for a moment of silence followed by the serenity prayer? God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. I have an announcement that I need to read. There may be some who are not familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the public level.
If so, we respectfully ask that no AA, Al-Anon, or Alateen speaker or member be identified by full name or picture in published or broadcast reports of our meeting. The assurance of anonymity is essential to our efforts to help other families of alcoholics, and our tradition of anonymity reminds us that Al-Anon or Alateen principles come before personalities. Dottie, would you come up and read the steps, please?
I should read while she's coming up. I would like to read that the preamble to our steps goes thus. The Al-Anon family groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery. Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization, or institution, does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause.
There are no dues for Al-Anon membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions. Al-Anon has but one purpose, to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the 12 steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic. And Dottie from Alabama is going to read the steps. I'm a member of the Hunsell Al-Anon family group. My name is Dott Macklemore. Hi everybody.
I'd like to say before I begin that I speak only one language and that's called Alabama English. But I understand every language that's been spoken here today because it's all been in Al-Anon. The 12 steps. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. Two, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
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Three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood him.
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Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Six, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Seven, only asked him to remove our shortcomings. Eight, made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Nine, made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Ten, continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Eleven, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him. Praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Twelve, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
Thank you. This is the first Aliphon at an international Al-Anon convention. And what we are going to try to do this afternoon, I don't know about you, but when I go to a call-up or a volunteer session like this, my mind rambles and I'm not always exactly prepared to share, but I want to. But I have always found it helpful when people would get up, knowing in advance that they were going to be called on and have shared, that it puts my mind together, my thoughts together, and many times I then can elaborate on what they have said or share an experience along the lines of what they have already shared or even go in a different direction.
So in advance I have contacted some people who have very kindly agreed to share with us this afternoon and they are not going to share one right after another. I'm going to call on someone and after they share, I hope you will be moved, not all at once please, to go to the mic and share with us. We are asking that you keep your sharing to a minimum, but that doesn't mean, hi, my name is Virginia, I'm Al-Anon and sit down.
I think we know what common sense is. There are two microphones available, this one on the podium and one in the middle center aisle. There are two ladies, if you share, I would like for you to give them your name and address because WSO, our Al-Anon World Service Office, would like to know the names of those that participate. If you have any problem with that, we certainly will not ask you to violate something that troubles you.
But it is in-house and the names and addresses will not be given to anyone. It's strictly a within-the-office request. I felt as though, since we were meeting in Canada, I would like to start with a Canadian lady that I met several years ago. My husband and I were at a meeting in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. And when we came out of the meeting, my husband had struck up a conversation with an AA member there.
I had been in the Al-Anon meeting. And he said, come home with us, with me. My wife wasn't here tonight. I don't even remember the reason, what prevented her from being at the meeting. And we went home with Grant. We have a motor home and we pulled in front of their house and went in and I was at home. Had never seen them before, but we were together and we understood. And it has been a loving friendship and one that I've cherished ever since.
And when I got in touch with Mickey and asked her to share, as a good Al-Anon does, she said yes. So we welcome Mickey L. from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. My name is Mickey and I'm from the Greystone group in Saskatoon.
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And right now I wish I was in Saskatoon. It has indeed been a pleasure to know Virginia through these years also. And she gave me lots of warning, but right now I still don't know what I'm going to say. I don't have the jitters, I just have loss of memory. I call it pre-Alzheimer's. So you can see, I am used to making excuses. I qualify for Al-Anon because I am the daughter of a man who drank too much.
He never said he was an alcoholic and I don't know if he was or not. I married an alcoholic and I am the mother of a young man who drank too much and smoked a lot of pot. And I don't know if he was an alcoholic either. And the reason I tell you I qualify for Al-Anon is because I remember what it was like to be new. And I didn't know if I qualified or not, because I didn't want to be here. I also want to tell you just a bit about what it was like, because also when I was in Al-Anon and had been around for a while, I really didn't feel I belonged because it didn't seem as though you had the same problems that I had.
I don't have to say much about what I was like. I'll just quote a friend of my husband's. He said to me one time, if I was a bitch like you, I'd drink too. And that's what I was. And so that's what it was like. If you have a bitch from a wife or a daughter or a mother, you know without my telling you that home was not a very pleasant place to be. I came to Al-Anon, as I said, not wanting to come. I was ordered here.
And I didn't really think I'd stay. I've stayed for about 16 years. I'm here because I need what you have to offer me. And it took me many years to find that. I think the biggest thing that I have found is use of or using or reintroduction to my higher power. I was obsessed with alcohol, and so I had no time for anything else. I didn't drink. I was simply obsessed with my husband's drinking. And that obsession turned me into somebody that I didn't like, as you can gather.
And I didn't really like me either. But I particularly did not like what it was doing to me. I could not manage my own feelings. I hated, I was angry, and I felt sorry for myself. And that self-pity predominated my life, and that's what I mean when I say I was obsessed with alcohol. I tried to change many things. For those of you who are married to an alcoholic, in Al-Anon we don't give advice in case you're new.
I always do, but then that's me. It's one of the things that I'd like to advise you. You know that feeling you're fed up right to here? And you've prayed to God to get rid of your spouse, and God doesn't do anything about it. And you don't know why. So I decided God wasn't going to kill my husband off, and so I decided I would. And this is the advice I have to give to you in case you're contemplating that.
Don't try it, because that's the one time an alcoholic sobers up so fast. And so I was not successful in murder, and for that I'm very grateful. And from then on, I tried to change me. It was very slow. I did not understand what you were talking about. I could not see that it would work for me. But only by doing the steps, over and over and over again, and I still learned some new thought about the steps today.
But I particularly want to talk to you, as I said, about my change of obsessions. I am now, the first thing in my life is my higher power, whom I choose to call God. And it has only been because of this change that I have been able to come to the point in my life where I think I have a good deal of serenity. And I don't have problems. And I know you can have a play on words. I have problems, and I know you can have a play on words, but to me if I have a problem
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that means I don't have an answer. And because of Al-Anon, and because of my belief in a higher power, I have the answers. I think the steps were God-inspired, and so my answers are through the steps which God gave to us and which I use. I don't, as I say, I don't have any problems. Again, after many years in Al-Anon, and because my husband was sober, and my alcoholic father was dead, that sounds terrible, doesn't it, but, you know, things seemed to get better then.
At any rate, people used to say to us, oh, that's fine for you to talk about this program working, because you don't have any bad situations in our life, and our life was good. There were times that I wondered, there were times that my husband wondered, you know, maybe they're right. If something terrible comes along, will we be able to handle it, all this talk about using God and praying to God and talking to God?
Maybe it won't work. We believed it would, but the situation had never arisen. Unfortunately for us, the son that smoked a lot of pot and drank a lot of booze, and who probably was never going to find sobriety, was killed in a car accident, and we found that this program does work if we do what the program tells us to do. And so when Bob was killed, we just simply decided that our higher power, whom we choose to call God, decided not to create a miracle.
And so we really learned what that slogan, let go and let God, meant. And so we had to let go and let God make the decisions. And so if he chose not to create a miracle, that was okay, because you see, we did come to believe. It is a year ago yesterday that my husband's funeral took place, and once again, I found a great deal of serenity, simply because I had let go, and I had let God. And if I really let God, that means I don't question him anymore.
And so once again, it was okay. And that's what I call serenity. I firmly believe that I could not have got it anywhere else. I know that society tells us to do this and do that, and don't do this and don't do that. But until I came to Al-Anon, I didn't find out the how to do this and do that. Don't be upset. Don't argue. Don't do all of those lovely little things that society has taught us. I found it here, through you people, through the Twelve Steps.
I continue to go to Al-Anon because I don't want to lose what I have learned from you. I don't want to go back to questioning why. I don't want to go back to should I, shouldn't I. If I'm angry, I'm angry. I own that anger. And Al-Anon has taught me to say, what are you going to do about it? If I'm sad, I own that sadness. And Al-Anon has taught me to ask me, what am I going to do about it? I don't ask God the little things like should I do the dishes or should I go uptown shopping.
My God doesn't really care. I don't ask him about the major things in life because that is up to God. That doesn't mean I'm a zombie either. But I feel that I have, it's page 45 I think in our ODAT, and God gave me intelligence to use and I have that choice. And if I find that choice difficult, then I have people in Al-Anon, particularly in Al-Anon, to help me make that choice. So I don't wander around aimlessly.
I don't wander around with questions. I just simply let go and let God. And I have a great life. And whatever comes, I know that the choice is God's. And he can create a miracle if he likes. Because of my understanding of my higher power, which I was forced to figure out only through
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Al-Anon, and it simply is that I don't understand, and that's okay too, that took me four years to get that far, it's all okay. I don't have to understand, I just believe because of the Al-Anon program. And I believe that life will be good for me, and things that I don't think are good, that's okay, if I'm really letting go. My wish for you is that you will attain and keep the serenity that I feel that I have today.
Thank you very much. Yes, would you care to share? I'm sure in listening to Mickey, you know why I felt instant love when I met her. And acceptance and understanding. And I sensed wisdom I yet had to learn to appreciate, but sensed it. All right. We have Lila. Hi everybody, my name is Lila. And I'm a very grateful member of Al-Anon, and I'm scared to death. But I was this way in 1980 also, when I went to New Orleans, and I had the privilege of sharing in New Orleans, and I could not pass up the opportunity to share in this first international Al-Anon convention.
I'm very grateful to be here, and very excited that I'm a member of Al-Anon. I qualified for Al-Anon because my mother was an alcoholic. I cannot call her an alcoholic, but she sure looks and drinks like one. So she has not identified, but I was home about a week ago, my stepfather died. It was a difference between my mother and I eight years ago. I used to beat her, I used to say, look at you, you drink and you look bad, you can't go with me because I'm from California and I'm educated and you can't go.
And this time I got her dressed for the funeral, I didn't really care if she took a bath, I mean it was just okay. And I got her all dressed up the best I could, and we went to the funeral, and the funeral went just fine because Al-Anon was in my life, and I didn't have to talk about her or be ashamed of her. Today Al-Anon allows me to accept my mother as she is. And I've also learned to love, see I used to hate my mother, I thought, but then I realized that I did not hate the actress, I hated the role that she was playing.
And today through Al-Anon I've learned to accept the actress and lay aside the role. And it's just been great, I'm excited to be here, my friend came with me and it's her first convention, and I don't know who's the highest, I don't know if she's the highest because this is her first or I'm the highest because I'm an old timer and I've been to two conventions. But I'm really, really grateful to be here and that you have allowed me to share.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you very much, Lila. Do I see someone else, please? When Lila was talking about her mother, I had quite a problem, and perhaps I'll have an opportunity to share a little bit about it, and my relationship with my mother. And then it dawned on me one day, I was a mother, and my goal then came to be different in my relationship with my children than what the relationship was that she and I had.
Al-Anon taught me that, but up until that point, no one had told me, if you don't like the way it's been, then change it. You can't change her, but you can change you. Alright, we have Sylvia. Hi, my name is Sylvia, and in spite of the blue badge, I'm a member of the Friday Night Glastonbury Al-Anon family group, and in spite of my accent, I'm an American citizen. And I guess I can identify with our first speaker so completely.
I used to pray that I would stop worrying about the car coming home at night with my
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husband in it. I used to pray that it would crash and stop my worrying. And I qualify for this program because my mother and father both had drinking problems. My husband had a drinking problem, and my parents-in-law had a drinking problem, my brother, et cetera, et cetera. And my theme really is gratitude, really, I'm so grateful for Al-Anon. Al-Anon helped me identify my own alcoholism. I was in the program a few years before it was identified.
I had confessed that I was powerless over everybody else's alcohol and never really looked at mine. But people say, now I am no longer married to my husband, and my parents are dead, and why do you continue to go to Al-Anon? Al-Anon is a very, very fulfilling part of my life. I am so grateful to Al-Anon because it teaches me to detach. I associate with drunks, I mean, recovering drunks all the time.
And even though I'm one myself, I have to learn how to live with them and how to cope with them, and I think Al-Anon is for everybody. I also would like to say how grateful I am that two of my children are in Alateen, one is in Al-Anon, and one is in Al-Anon Adult Children, and I'm so thankful to be here. I feel very overwhelmed. Is there anybody else here who feels totally overwhelmed? Thank you, God bless you.
I often think, I've heard so many times people say, who is Al-Anon for? Everybody needs it, and I agree with that, however, I found out Al-Anon isn't for people that need it, it's for people that want it. And there's a vast difference, because I do believe the principles of our program and our steps by which we can pace our lives would solve many problems other than alcoholism that they certainly have in my life.
But unfortunately, everyone doesn't become addicted to the steps and to this program. There's some I'd like to get in here, I'll tell you. Someone else? All right, this lady on the end. And I also, the last two ladies have mentioned, oh, I think Mickey mentioned it, and then Sylvia, about this continuing in Al-Anon, whether you have a spouse or a parent or anyone else in Al-Anon. I always refer people that question that to the preface to the book that has just been renamed the Al-Anon Family Groups, formerly was Living with an Alcoholic with the Help of Al-Anon, and in that preface it very clearly states that Al-Anon is for anyone that is living with or has the memory of living with, or when you marry one of those that are dry in that other fellowship, you're going to need Al-Anon, too.
Please, and this is Patricia. Hi, I'm Patricia. I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon for three years. I'm from a little island off of Washington State, outside of Seattle. And we, thank you. My meeting on Friday nights, which is the Paradise Group, has between five and fifteen people in it. Fifteen is a big night. By the way, we know there could be many more in our group. I wrote what I had to say on notes because I've learned that this is how I need to communicate and when I have a problem, I often do that.
I know that for the years I was struggling with my own illness, I wrote stacks of journals and I could probably stack them this tall with all of my energy that I had into my obsession and my preoccupation. I also noticed that in my gratitude, I probably had two journals full, so I'm now working on getting a higher stack of gratitude than I did of my hate, and I'm doing that. I rehearse a lot, too. This is how I speak to my husband and to people that I feel I don't want to act compulsively or impulsively with.
I wanted to share a little bit about Al-Anon. My husband just recently celebrated his third anniversary, and someone came to me on his celebration night and said, congratulations to you, too. I felt very grateful. And I felt very grateful about somebody saying to me that I had done what I needed to do to gain my three years of sanity and serenity, too.
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I wanted to say that I was listening, had the privilege of listening in Seattle to Dr. Bob, who now lives outside of Seattle, at the 50th celebration in Seattle. And he was talking a lot, and I heard a lot of what he had to say about being shanghaied into this program. And I, too, was shanghaied because when my husband sought recovery, all on his own, it was coincidental that it was the fifth time I had left, but it was all on his own.
And he went into a treatment program, and immediately I got a phone call. I wasn't even living with him, I was at Mom's. And the conversation went as such, Mrs. P., would you like to come down? We really feel this is something that you need to be here for. Certainly, isn't that what a good wife does? Especially when the professional people are on the other end of the line, you don't say, forget it, you fulfill your role.
And I had such an image and worked so hard at that. No one told me he wanted me down there for me. And when I walked in the door, and we sat down, and he asked me a little bit about myself, I said, well, my father, I was quite trite. And I said, well, my father died last year with a bottle in his hand, and this, that, and the other thing. He says, oh, oh, so you married someone you thought you could save.
And I collapsed and said, I think so. And that was the beginning of my personal awareness. It was, of course, coincidental that I had been raised by an alcoholic who did die from arteriosclerosis or alcoholism. But that I had also married someone. And not knowing the symptoms of the disease, assuming the symptoms of the disease were common personality traits. But indeed, they were just common disease symptoms.
And so we began together to live our 12-step programs. And I was in such a state of denial. And Al-Anon really was a saving, and still is, a saving grace in my life. But I need to let you know that before the recovery period began, the active recovery period began, or I'd say the willing period of my life, I had been drug in by my arm from a friend to my first Al-Anon meeting. And I sat there. And this is where I think, when Virginia, thank you, when Virginia was talking about needing versus wanting, I needed my first Al-Anon meeting desperately and had a friend take me by the hand.
But I didn't want it bad enough. And I sat there judgmentally. I sat there wondering how anybody could surrender, how could they give up. I was busy paddling my ship, I mean, bailing my ship out. How could they sit there? How could they be serene? How could they talk about themselves? There was someone out there they had to change, for heaven's sakes. And so I did not go back for a year. When I needed it so badly that I had to want it, that's when I heard your voices.
I just want to also say that when I listened to Bob, Dr. Bob, he talked about God willing. And he said, God is always willing. That isn't his problem, and I really heard him. That isn't my problem either. God is always willing for me. It's my part to be willing. And so I think of myself as having withdrawn my hand from the hand that holds me when I am in doubt or fear or insecurity. And that I have to remember to place my hand back in the hand that's waiting there, reaching out for me already.
And that's different from the religious concept I was brought up with and turned away from, which is, okay, what did I do that you took your hand away? How am I being punished that you turned from me? So it's been a recent revelation for me to remember that I have to turn myself back, that I've got the light shining and I have to face it. I wanted to share that very much. I wanted to say that I too have suddenly got this wonderful marriage that has its problems, but that we're developing this thing called communication now.
That's our next challenge, and it's working slowly. And I always said to him, I don't mind arguing as long as there's a point and there's some sort of resolution at the end of it, some small gain. And I really feel that now that that's working, I said, well, this is it. I can go on this way. I have no other personal challenges. I'll just take them a little bit. It's true. I live with five other women.
No, I was raised with five other women. I have many sisters, many of them older than I, who have their own problems in their own marriages now, who all married alcoholics, two are alcoholics themselves. And I worked very hard in the last year to let go of them, to watch them get their DWIs or whatever they had to do. Now they're making decisions over their children, and their children are my nieces and my nephews.
And just when I thought my personal challenge was to let go of their lives,
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I now have to let go of a lot of the decisions that are being made over their children's lives. And I was a child, and that is such a sensitive spot for me. I did have my own abuse. I guess that's a real good word, or used a lot lately. And I watch abuse happening to two-year-olds and four-year-olds. It's real tough. It's real tough for me. But I just have to be ready and willing to be there to reach out and to say they can come stay with me for a couple of days, or I hope to just give them some sort of light, that there's some sense of normality.
And normality was a word I hated to hear. I did not want to be normal, anything but average. So I just want to say that certainly my personal challenges are not over with. And I was listening to a lot of women talk about letting go of their children. Now, as mothers, mine range from four years to 15 years old. And my 15-year-old is going to go to college, and she'll be gone someday. And these are all going to be personal challenges in my future, and Al-Anon will be there when I'm dealing.
In all my affairs, Al-Anon will be there. And I just want to say that talking with you, being here at the convention, was a lot of work to get here financially. And, oh, it's been wonderful. I love you all, and I've just been on a high the whole time. And I appreciate you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. I saw another hand, the lady in the royal blue shirt right here. I think it's marvelous.
I was saying a prayer, God, you know, your will be done. Because sometimes you chair a meeting like this, and everybody just sits there. And so I'm glad that you are responding. And we have Barbara. Hello, everybody. My name is Barbara. I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon from New York City. Yes, people really do live there. Right in Manhattan. Oh, it's really wonderful to be here. And people may identify with this.
I wanted to share, and my hand went up in the air, and my heart started pounding. You know, call on me. Oh, no, don't call on me, call on me, don't call on me. My story is a little bit different. I thought I'd share that of how I got to Al-Anon. I'm an abstinent member of Obe Readers Anonymous. And when I was first introduced to Al-Anon many years ago, I went to a couple of meetings. And my first thought was I identified more with the alcoholics the Al-Anons were talking about than with the Al-Anons, and I didn't stay.
And then about five years ago, I hooked up with my now husband, who's a sober member of AA. And I started going to a few Al-Anon meetings, because that was the good thing to do if you had a sober alcoholic in your life. And again, I did it sort of as an adjunct to my other program, and I stayed a little while, and I didn't really identify with the program, and I stopped going. And, you know, continued in my OAN program very successfully.
Consider that my primary program, and I'm very grateful for that. And then over the last couple of years, we got married, and about two years ago, we had a son. Actually, my son will be two in a couple of weeks. And, you know, I was home more with the child, and my husband sort of started tapering off, going to meetings. And from what started out as this idyllic two-recovery program marriage turned into something very different, and I found out that I started going down the tubes, and I didn't understand what was going on.
I tried to work my OA program harder. And the reason I'm sharing this is that I know that there's I've talked to other people, and I've discovered that I can't recover an Al-Anon in OA, even though it's the same steps. And so my challenge now is to work two programs. And I'm very, very happy to be here this weekend. And I'm especially happy to be here with my husband, who is now back active in AA meetings.
But the biggest challenge I see for me now, and I feel like such a newcomer in Al-Anon, and that's very humbling, too, in its way. I'm in the middle of my Al-Anon fourth step, and I'm doing it in the blueprint for progress. And I consider that a sign of progress. When I did my OA inventories, I always had to do them my way in the beginning. And here I decided that probably your way was just fine, and I got the pamphlet, and I'm answering the little questions, and it's so easy that way.
And it makes me feel more really a part of Al-Anon. But I feel like my challenge now is to really keep the focus on myself. I am at that stage in the program where I'm having those stare-you-in-the-face realizations about myself and my own codependency, my fears of people, my controlings. I just see the defects and see the ways that things that I always considered quirks of my personality
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and the symptoms of this disease. So while it's sometimes painful, it's also so incredibly hopeful because there are a lot of things that I thought I just had to put up with that I now really see are subject to the treatment of Al-Anon. And I have hope for changes in myself that I really didn't think were ever going to be possible. And the challenge for that also in my marriage is, let's see how to put this, but I've been trying to listen very carefully to people.
To people who I hear in meetings who are in active situations who have the serenity and have the comfort and have what I think this program offers. Because I don't want my, I've seen how hooked in I am to my husband's state of being and my friends. And I don't want to feel that things are good just because he's good. You know, things are wonderful for us now, but I don't want it to be things are wonderful because he's back at meetings and we're at the conference and we're this happy little program couple tripping off into the sunset.
Because it may not always stay that way. And I would really like to know that my serenity is totally separate from that. That I work my program regardless of what he does. That I feel at home in myself regardless of what he does. That I can love myself regardless of who's around me and what's around me. And I feel like I certainly have a long way to go with that, but that I've taken some major steps this year.
And it's thanks to this program and thanks to all of you and I'm just thrilled to be here. It seemed to me that the goals that Barbara was setting up for ourselves are what we mean when we talk about detachment. You know, trying to keep my head and my feet in the same place and to focus on the things I can do something about me. And she was speaking about her character and learning about flaws in her character and unchangeable things.
And someone told me we speak so much about putting principles over personalities. Let's investigate what is a personality. Now we're not speaking of a famous person, a Sophia Loren or you know. But a personality is a combination of character and temperament. And character can be forged. Temperament frequently, a greater portion of it is inherited. And formed during our youth. And we can change it somewhat.
But we can forge our characters. And that's what Al-Anon helps us do. I believe this gentleman wanted to share for a few minutes. May I have Ted? I'm Ted. I'm from Al-Anon. And we're from Edmonds, Washington. I basically got up here for one thing. I just want you to know that in Al-Anon we do have men. When I came in this program ten years ago, there wasn't very many men. We now have quite a few. I came in to Al-Anon a little bit different than a lot of people.
I didn't have any of those exotic ways of getting into the program. My parents were not alcoholic. My toilet training was the best, as far as I know. So I had to take a very simple and direct route. I went out and married a wino. I didn't plan that. I had planned to go into the ministry. And of course you can't, when the bishop says, where did you meet your wife? You can't very well say, in a tavern.
So I very carefully selected my wife from the congregation of my church. In broad daylight, with my eyes wide open. And lo and behold, that's what I picked. So when I came into Al-Anon after my wife had, she didn't have a problem with drinking. She came home from work, she drank the wine, she fell down, crawled off the bed, no problem. Of course, why? No problem, of course life, I could get the insurance and have a good time, that didn't work either, but as a man you know my frustration was that I felt that I had to run that house correctly, and I tried everything, I'd come home from work and I'd be sweet and loving, and lo and behold we'd have a fight, and the police would come,
[00:45:20]
so the next night you know I would not be quite so loving, I would lay down the law, this is the way it's going to be, and lo and behold the fight began and the police came, so you see my life was totally and completely unmanageable, my wife decided finally to join Alcoholics Anonymous, and things got worse, someone suggested that perhaps I should try Al-Anon, and I said they're nuts, because you must understand there's nothing wrong with me, I'm perfect, my problem is them, but anyway just to shut everybody up I decided I'd try one meeting, I really didn't want to go, and I figured I'd figure out some way of not going, and I thought they might have a meeting one night when I could not go, that didn't work out, they had one, they asked me whether I would like to have someone from that meeting call me before I went, because they told me I would be the only man there, and I said oh yes, because my life up to that point nobody wanted anything to do with us anyway, so I knew they wouldn't call, 45 minutes later a lady called me, so I went, and at first I tried to use this program to keep my wife sober, and to sober up my daughter, my daughter is still out there drinking, my wife is still sober after 10 years, and I had nothing to do with it, she had worked this program for her own self, and I had to learn to do that, so I do not come to Al-Anon to keep my wife sober, or to rescue the world, but these people in Al-Anon had three things that I wanted most desperately in my life, and I hope that these are the three things that you come for, I found a peace that I did not know existed, I found a love that I did not know existed, and I found an understanding that I didn't think you understood, because out there in this world there's not a heck of a lot of people understand why we marry alcoholics or we keep them around, about a year after my wife was sober, one of the policemen came to me and said, we don't come to your house anymore, what happened to that bitch you were married to, and I said I sent her to Alcoholics Anonymous and traded her in for a very beautiful lady, and people who know my wife would agree with that, because she became a real person in her own right, and that's why I come to this program, and it's wonderful you know we would never at one time be able to cross the street together or do anything, because the fight would start and the police would come, now we've learned to play golf together, and we can travel across this great country, we go to Canada every year to Victoria, we stay at the Empress Hotel, and we never thought at one time that would ever be possible, but because of the love, peace and understanding of this program, it is. Thank you.
Thank you very much Ted, and I saw a lady sitting in the audience and I watched her with a lovely expression on her face, and that tells me the program that she has too. I'm always interested in how the total family reacts, and it's very encouraging to me when the reaction is supporting and loving, you know. Now I'd like to call on, I'm going to use the chairman's prerogative and call on someone, and I'd like to call on Judy from Ohio.
[00:50:06]
Hi everybody. My name is Judy Springstead and I'm from Dunbridge, Ohio, which is a suburb of Toledo. I'm truly grateful, you don't know how grateful I am to be here, and it was quite an honor for Virginia to call me out of the front row and ask me to take the names and addresses. I was told early in my program to sit in the first row and you won't miss anything, and I'm still sitting in the first row. I'm nervous, but I'd like to share a little bit with you on how I've changed.
I'm the daughter of an alcoholic, the wife of an alcoholic, and the mother of an alcoholic. In the last phase of my dealing with and coping with the disease of alcoholism, I've been in Al-Anon, but there's been much pain involved when you have children. And I came into Al-Anon with sobriety, and learning to apply my program in an active situation has been very, very difficult for me. I started coming to Al-Anon in 1973. I didn't like it. There was nothing wrong with me, but I was taught as a little girl from my grandmother and my mother to respect your elders.
And there was a couple of white-haired ladies, whom I like to refer to as my white-haired angels, that took a hold of me and loved me until I could love myself, accepted me until I could accept myself, and that is what kept me coming to Al-Anon. I was in Al-Anon about a year, and there were a group of them planning to go to a conference in Ohio. And they asked me if I wanted to go along, and I said, I'll have to ask my husband.
And you know the expression that come over their faces. You don't have to ask him nothing. You're over 21, Judy, you can make a decision. So I decided that I would go to that convention, but they would have to go with me when I told my husband. So we went downstairs from the meeting to the AA room, and we all sit around my husband, and my husband is a little guy. And I said, we're going to a convention. And he said, who's we're?
And I said, all these ladies and me. And he said, okay. Needless to say, I haven't stopped going. That's how I met Virginia a year ago. I was at a conference in Antwood, Ohio. And Virginia told my story. And when I seen her sitting over there this morning, I had to go up and say hello to her again. And that's how she knew my name when I was sitting down here in the front row. But when they started talking, I've been involved in service. My sponsor, one of those white haired ladies are my sponsor.
She made me put my name down on a telephone 12-step list. She said to me, do you want to continue to grow after I've been in Allen on a year? And I thought, I don't know, but I said yes. So I put my name down on that telephone list because I live out in the country, and I figured I wouldn't get any calls. And I needed her off my back. And through that, I have been active in service ever since. Allen on is a part of my life. I worked very hard in the beginning to form the foundation that I have today.
And I try to live by that foundation one day at a time. So when they started talking in service about the possibility of Allen on having its first international, my husband is not a traveler. He doesn't like to travel.
[00:55:04]
And in 1975, I wanted to go to Denver. And our five year old set our house on fire, and we stayed home that summer remodeling our home. And in 1980, I wanted to go to New Orleans. And my husband decided that we didn't need to travel that far down south because it was too hot. And so in 1983, when they started talking international in Montreal, and the first international of Allen on, I thought, I can go by myself.
So when the flyers came out last year, or were about to come out, I said to my husband, do you want to go? And he's one of these guys that live one day at a time. You can all identify with that. And I said, I need for you to make a commitment because if you don't want to go, I want to make other plans. I want plan A and plan B. Plan A was I would like for you and the children to join me. And plan B is I will get some of my Allen on friends together and we'll go.
Needless to say, he allowed me the freedom to do plan B. And five of us traveled here on by train. And yesterday, we took a tour, and we went through Montreal and the Notre Dame, St. Joseph's Oratory. And all I could think of, as I was saying thank you to God, is thank you, God, for allowing me to come to Montreal. Thank you, God. And I said it again when Virginia asked me, although my knees shook and my hands trembled, I said thank you, God, for allowing me to stand up here and look out at all of you beautiful people that made it possible for me to be here.
Thank you. Thank you. Yes, Judy and I were sisters. I think we grew up and walked step by step the same way long before we met. And when she said that her husband's a one-day-at-a-time person, I'm married to one too. And it used to be that he would say, for example, next Thursday I'm going such and such, would you like to go? And I would say yes. And then by the next week, I would have changed my mind.
And I'd say, well, I've decided I don't want to go. And he would be annoyed and say, well, I wish you'd have told me. I could have gotten someone to go with me. So then I thought, well, that was unfair. So then he would say, I'm going, do you want to go? And I'd say, no. And then next week I wanted to go, and I'd say, I want to go. And he'd say, well, I've got a carload now. So then I started to say, he'd say, I'm going next week, do you want to go?
And I'd say, I don't know, that's not now. That'll cause a fight. He wants my answer now. And I don't know what I want to do for sure next week, you know. So over the period of time, he has become more acceptable to my saying, I don't know, that isn't now. Because I frequently quote my sponsor who says to me, Virginia, keep your head and your feet in the same place. That's here. And if you can't keep your head where your feet are, then take your feet where your head is.
Because both, you're a loser if you don't get them together. And it makes a lot of sense. I'd like to ask Esther from West Virginia to come up and share. Thank you very much. And for those of you, while Esther's coming in, coming up, that weren't here when we started, we are very informal. And there are people that have been asked in advance to share, to stimulate our thoughts and our willingness to share.
And after they share, you may put up your hand and go to the mic. And we are asking those that share to give their names and addresses up here or at the mic in the middle aisle. There's a lovely lady, Dottie, that read the steps sitting back there, if you choose to go there. Thank you, Esther. You choose to go there. Thank you, Esther. She was giving me a hi sign down there, and I was ignoring her.
We used to be friends.
[01:00:01]
My name is Esther Sebastian. I'm a member of the Central West Virginia Al-Anon Group in Parksburg, West Virginia. Hi, y'all. See, we're neither south or north. We're just in between, and that's the story of my life. I've always just been in between there somewhere. You know, I was sitting there thinking, 20 years ago we attended our second conference we had ever been to, and it was the International at Toronto, Canada.
And I'll tell you this, I didn't even attend an Al-Anon meeting during that conference. We've been privileged to attend every one since, and it has sure changed, because I have spent all the time in Al-Anon meetings. I didn't come to Al-Anon to sober my husband up. He was sober a good many years when I got here. But we attended conferences in Kentucky, and I saw Al-Anon members, and I liked what I saw on their face.
They had something that I wanted. So, somebody suggested, my husband takes credit for starting the Al-Anon group in our town. He wants them to name it after him, but they haven't done that yet. But he suggested that we needed Al-Anon, and I thought, well, you know, there's so many unfortunates out there living with alcoholics, and it would be nice of me to do that, to help start a group. Well, they're slow learners, because I'm still there, and that was in 1969.
Al-Anon has changed my life. I was the never had the courage to do anything when I was growing up. I never even roller-skated fast. I was so scared. I couldn't get up in front of school. If they hadn't given me tests, I would have never gotten through school. So this is a miracle for me to be standing here in front of you. You know, you never know when you're going to need this program. A year ago, my son came out of a treatment house, and he's been sober since.
And this is a miracle that I never thought would happen, because I watched him in his addiction, and had really lost all hope that he would ever even ask for help. So miracles do happen, and I thank God each day for the miracle of sobriety for two people in my family. Thank you. Would anyone like to share? Aren't the long-haired gal over here? While she's coming up. Whether Esther believes it or not, I do love her.
And I'm sure now that she's seated again, she remembers that. Welcome. We have Kathy. Hi. I'm Kathy, and I wasn't going to cry, but I had to bring this program, and tell you that ever since I got here, I've practically slept with it. Two years ago, I didn't have any friends, because I didn't dare answer the phone. I put Scotch tape on the bottom of the door when I left, to see if my husband had come home while I'd been gone.
Normal behavior. And, uh, I was looking through this, and I have all these names from all over the world that are all friends. All I have to do now is stop any person on the street with a badge, and say hi, and I've got a new friend. But the best friend I've got is the one in the front of the book that says, this book belongs to Kathy Repka, a gift from John Repka. And this is my husband, who I divorced two years ago.
And, uh, he's been sober now almost two years. We're back together. We have a beautiful daughter. Thank God for A.A., and thank God for Al-Anon, and thanks for all of you. It's always, uh, so touching to hear of families that have been reunited. But Al-Anon and A.A. reunited us without any separation.
[01:05:00]
You know, I'm one of those that used to think walking the floor in the middle of the night, and I didn't know where he was, wringing my hands, oh God, where is he? I hope he's safe. I hope he's dead. And then feeling so guilty that I had wished dead the father of my children. But you know, I am glad that my prayers for him to be changed to the person I wanted him to be weren't answered. Because if he was the man I prayed him to be, he wouldn't be the man he is today, which is far nicer and finer than anything I could have envisioned then.
We've had a lot of people from Washington State and all. Do we have somebody from the Southwest, or uh, this lady on the aisle here had her hand up, the striped shirt, and while she's coming up, well, how about somebody from the Southwest willing to share? All right, you'll be next. And I knew that people would be coming and going during this afternoon as it, because it goes till five o'clock, and so I know that you won't want to stay the entire time, as much as I would like you to, but I hope you'll stay as long as you, your seat will allow your mind to hear.
This is Mary. Hi, everyone. My name is Mary, and I'm a member of Al-Anon. I'm from Kansas City, Missouri. My, uh, meeting time is Friday night at eight thirty. I also have one eight, uh, on Tuesday afternoon, and a Monday night couples group. And I'm like each and every one that has spoke, I do, uh, consider myself, uh, a real member of Al-Anon. My husband and I has been married almost thirty-seven years, and of that thirty-seven years, he's been, uh, sober for twelve.
He drank about, uh, the first part of our married life, but at the, at the time when we first got married, I did not know he was an alcoholic. Uh, he was in service. We travel a lot. He stayed in service twenty-three years. He retired from the service. I always would pray and ask God to let me find some kind of program, something, for myself, if not for him. I prayed for him that, uh, you know, that he would find…
I didn't know about AA at the time. I would always pray and ask God, God, please give my husband sobriety. Let him stop drinking. Sometime I would give up, and then, again, I would pray and pray, and one day my prayers was answered. He found, uh, Alcoholics Anonymous himself. I did not know about the program of Al-Anon. After he got in, he was the one who introduced the Al-Anon program to me, and I've been coming ever since, and I thank God each and every day for the program of Al-Anon.
First, for the program of AA, because without AA, I know I wouldn't have never found the program of Al-Anon. We are the parents of eight children, grandparents of nine, and we are family now. At first, we were not a family. Now, we can sit down, my husband and I, we can sit down and talk about things. At first, before the… before the program of Al-Anon and AA, we could not talk. Now, we can talk when there's something bothering myself, I can talk to him about it. If there's something bothering him, he can talk to me about it.
And I always say, I thank God every day I don't forget. I ask him to help the ones that are least fortunate than ourselves. I thank God for each and every one of you today, because I love each and every one of you. And with that, I'll close.
[01:10:08]
As I said in the beginning, I was going to ask for volunteers, and also that I had asked some people in advance. There's a lady coming up that I indicated would be next, and following her, one of the ladies that I asked in advance. You're leaving? And let's see, we have Lola. Hi everybody, my name is Lola, and I am living in New York City presently, but I am from El Paso, Texas. Hi everybody. I really am very grateful to be here today, and the reason I did volunteer was just to tell you a little bit about what Al-Anon's done for me.
I think I went to my first Al-Anon about three years ago. It was during March or April, in the springtime, in New York City. I remember crying a lot, and feeling very confused. Somehow I knew that I had bottomed out, but I wasn't quite sure, and during this time I had been attending a lot of AA meetings as well. I heard a lot in Al-Anon, and I remember one thing that really clicked was that it was a disease, that I had a disease, alcoholism.
I remember feeling that I was being healed, but I'm so scared right now, I feel like I'm not making any sense, I'm terrified. Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is that I feel that Al-Anon opened the door, and it was to so many different things, and it was actually a way for me to heal. I love Al-Anon because it's been a very gentle program, and I needed that kind of gentleness, and I especially like KISS, you know, Keep It Simple, Sweetheart, because I had heard Keep It Simple, Stupid, and I somehow, I was very tired of being so self-destructive and hating myself.
I was very tired of that. It was time to heal. I feel like I really have a gift today. I feel like I have a gift, especially because it was one that I never really asked for. I feel that I was really brought into these rooms by a higher power. I still have, a lot of my family, like my twin sister and other people, are still active in my life. And a lot of times I get a lot of false hope, thinking, well, maybe one day they too can have the gift that I've been given.
And maybe they won't, you know? And that's what Al-Anon has given me, that whatever happens is going to happen, and as long as I keep the focus on myself, I'll be okay. Thank you. That's fine, I've got a lady I've already got scheduled to come up, and then we'll proceed with volunteers from the audience. Quite some time ago I met a lovely lady, and I liked her, and I loved her program, and she's a joy.
She came from Pittsburgh. I almost feel like it's a travel log, calling all these cities and states. You know, I was hoping that we could have every state. I love you too. I was here this morning for the parade. I'm here this morning for the parade. My only sorrow is that I wasn't in it. I love parades. Virginia spoke to me some time ago, and I thought that I would, I accepted, and I thought the best thing for me to do would be just let it go, and I did.
[01:15:14]
And about two weeks ago, I thought, ooh, I better think about something, and I thought the greatest gift that I have received in the fellowship of Al-Anon is personal freedom. And when I first came to Al-Anon meetings, nobody was free to be anything except helpful to me because I demanded attention. I behaved in a way that commanded help. I looked and acted like I needed help. I didn't always have it together. So they gave it to me. Al-Anon was somewhat smaller at the time, and I got a lot more attention, and that I'm grateful for.
When I looked at the newspaper of the Pittsburgh Press the day I was leaving, I had already thought that I might like to talk just a little bit about freedom, and the headlines read, Welcome to Freedom. And I thought about some of the things that the hostages had to go through, and I'm not going to compare my life to those hostages, but I was really thinking seriously of how I was entrapped, enslaved.
I thought I was being tortured. I thought how I was suffering, and every single thought that I had was generated by an entrapment of some kind or another. When I lived with active alcoholism, and I'm speaking of my husband's because we have several of those people in my home. Some grow up and they get 45 and 50, and some grow up and they get 27, and some get a gift and some don't. We're working on the ones that didn't get it.
Alcoholism did very simple things to me, just like it did to you. I didn't eat. You don't eat. You can't eat. I wasn't free to eat a meal. I gained 50 pounds since I came to Al-Anon. Now all we do is eat. And when we finish eating, we hunt another restaurant to eat again. Part of my enjoyment in life is that I can eat. It's so simple. It's so simple. I didn't know how to relax. I had no freedom to relax. I was totally obsessed with another individual, and I was stuck to that other individual. In my thinking, in my actions, in every phase of my life, I was totally obsessed.
He went out and got drunk and would lose his car, and I couldn't relax because he was out drinking and losing his car. I would stay awake all night long because I didn't have a choice not to. I was connected to that other person. And when I would stay awake all night, I would find a lot of things to do. Clean, dust, wash off light switches, fingerprints around doorknobs, quiet jobs, waiting for the man to return because I was not free to sleep. There was no time to sleep.
He slept a lot. We were very poor. I was not free to spend any money. I was not free to buy food. We were poor. He worked, but we were poor. I couldn't ever figure that out. I asked him one time, I said, why must you spend so much time in a bar? It made no sense to me at all because I was somewhat superior. I was doing everything right.
[01:20:10]
And I asked him, and his answer was, it's warm there, the lights are on, they have food, and there's someone to talk to. And those are the very things that I wanted so badly to have happen in my own home. I wanted to eat, I wanted the utilities on, and I wanted to have someone to communicate with, and neither one of us knew how. Alcoholism stopped us. I was not free to have a life because of alcoholism.
I survived. It's about how I describe it. The bottom line is I existed. When I came to Al-Anon, everything changed. I had choices. I had a mind of my own. I was able to make decisions, most of the time in the beginning without his approval. One of the things that it says in our Day at a Time book about freedom, which is a gift to me, and that is, can I accept personal freedom? No, I couldn't. No, I couldn't. But now I can accept my personal freedom. It is a gift, not because Alice Butler wrote it in the Day at a Time book, because Jenny experienced a life that was controlled by alcoholism, and I no longer live that way.
How freedom came into my life, to me, I guess the simplest way I can put it, is that people in Al-Anon meetings loved me unconditionally, and that gave me my personal freedom. It taught me how to love myself. All of a sudden, we had bobby pins back then, not rollers or hair blowers, and I would go to meetings with bobby pins in my hair on two buses to get to a meeting. The end of time that I used to go to this meeting in was a very bad district. My husband said, I don't want you to go to Al-Anon, and I don't want you to be in that area of town, and because he said no, I did it.
That's part of the beginning of how I got well. I didn't want to please him. But yes, I can accept my freedom. I did some very foolish things with my freedom. I should not have done some of the things that I did. But I can accept where it has got me today, and the love of others, learning to love myself, and the ability to be here and go to many other conferences. I never went outside of my house. People used to ask me, what are you afraid of? You know what I was afraid of. You know. And now I go out of the house, and I come home when I find it necessary, when I'm tired, when I've had a good day, when my day is complete.
And I'm free to think about all those things that I always wanted to think about. I like what Mickey said, and very simply that sums it up for me also. I don't work very hard at trying to understand God. From the very beginning, I was given one gift. God understands me. Thank you. Thank you very much, Jenny. Jenny was talking about the weight thing. During the act of alcoholism, I would go to the doctor when I had to, and he would always mention my weight. You know I don't have a weight problem, but at any rate, he would mention it.
[01:25:09]
And I would tell him what was going on at my house, and he said, well, you're feeling a sense of accomplishment by cooking food, and then when you eat, food gives off warmth to your body, and that adds to a sense of security. And I want you to know, since my husband's been sober, I've gained 43 pounds. But it was his fault I was fat. It was his fault. The lady over here in yellow? Yes. While she's coming up, I'm looking around for folks that I… Some of the folks that I spoke to in advance, I'd like to know if Ann W. from Edmonton is here, and if she is, will she come down front?
Or Mickey H. from Alabama? If she's here, will she come down to the front? We have Karen. Thank you. I'm Karen from Dearborn, just outside of Detroit, Michigan, and yesterday was our anniversary. Someone was saying before about it's their anniversary. It was our anniversary of the day I decided I would no longer get him out of jail or put up with his drinking. And decided that he could go to meetings, and he decided the first meeting that I could come to, which was not in my plans, I went to the first meetings, and that was 10 years ago, and in Detroit 10 years ago, everybody was 10 years older than me at the time.
But I went there and these ladies told me that if I didn't keep coming, then he would grow and I wouldn't, and I figured they were experienced and I better come, but I still don't like what they were telling me, because they told me I had to change. I had resentment every meeting I went to for the first month. And I told my husband that they told me I was sick and that I didn't think I was, and he kept taking me to the meetings. So I think if you go to meetings and you don't like it, keep going. So many people say they went and they liked it. Well, I went and I didn't like it, and I didn't want to go, but by the time the next meeting would come, I'd think, boy, maybe she was right, and I'd go back.
So if you see someone at a meeting I just want to say that doesn't like it, tell them to please come back, because I wouldn't know if people didn't make me. And I was one of the few that didn't like what they saw when they first came, and it took a long time for me to like it. I guess I just thought those older women must have known something I didn't know. Thank you. We have a member of that other fellowship that wants to share with us. Will you come up, sir?
While he's coming up, I want to tell you a definition of a word. When I came into the program, I wasn't in long. When I realized that people used words they didn't know the meanings of, and when I would ask them, what did you mean, they weren't able to tell me. I found lots of times it was a matter of semantics, but also it was a matter of ignorance, and sometimes it was mine. But the word sobriety means more than what first comes to mind to those of us that have been exposed to alcoholism.
It goes beyond the unabridged definition of sobriety. It covers alcohol and mood-changing drugs, etc., but it also says that we will be unaffected by prejudice or passion. And a footnote says that as human beings, we will not be free of prejudices or passions, but if we have sobriety, those prejudices and passions will not control our lives. And to me, that is sobriety. And, sir, we have Bruce.