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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Unknown Speaker – LIVING SOBER – RS 06388.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-unknown-speaker-living-sober-rs-06388.mp3 Duration: 00:52:24
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Good morning. My name is Joyce. I'm from Cleveland, Ohio. Hi, everybody. This is Living Sober. I mean, it's like, this is my first international, and I'm just, like, walking around. I think I spend most of my time walking around with my mouth open. I'm glad that there isn't too many mosquitoes out there. I think also that my higher power has a sense of humor because when I checked into the hotel, they gave me this key, and they said, here's the key to your bar. And I opened it up, and I said, oh, my goodness, look at all this. So I very nicely made room for the cheese and the fruit juice and just took it all out and said, we don't need this today, thank God. Living Sober, for me, for the last past six years has kind of gone in different patterns and different levels. I was looking through the Living Sober book, and I was kind of chuckling to myself and just kind of glancing through it, and when I first came in, because I was one of those people, when I first came in, I was an intellectual, okay? I had all the answers. I had no character defects, and I walked on water. And soon after, probably a year and a half, I found out that it was a little bit different. It basically, you know, in the Living Sober book, it said keep an open mind. I didn't have that. It said use common sense, and I thought I had common sense. Alcoholism is an incurable disease. Well, I kind of knew that, but I wasn't really sold on it when I first came in. And it was a progressive fatal disease, and I said, well, maybe for the other guy, but I didn't drink that much, okay? You know, I was a binge drinker, so I thought. Getting active. Now, I didn't have any problem getting active. I kind of jumped in this program because, see, when I came in, I had all my character defects with me, and I was going to come and change everything. I can, you know, I went to meetings my first year. I was, it was just like, I'm listening to all this, and I'm hearing everything, and I'm saying, well, that's nice. And I can remember in my, about my eighth month of the program, I was on a real roll. I was sponsoring somebody that had ten years in the program.
I was sponsoring somebody that had two and a half years in the program, and I was sponsoring somebody that had ten months in the program. So that just goes to show you where they were at and where I was at. Now, I thought that was really, that was really great, and somebody kind of came up to me and said, excuse me, I don't really think that this is, you know, good. And I had a lot of anger, and I had a lot of resentment, and what I chose to do at that point is just say, well, they're too sick, and they should have known better. So I put that fault on them. Changing old routines. I didn't do that. Making use of the telephone.
Well, I didn't have a need to do that, because I, you know, I had all the intellectual answers, so I didn't have to do that. A sponsor. I had a sponsor my first year. It took me about four months to get a sponsor. Okay, and my first sponsor, I was very attracted to. It sounded like she had a real good program, but unfortunately, when she left the rooms, it was a little bit different story. I was a controlling person, so I kind of stepped in and helped her with her four children and put her life back together. Unfortunately, she did end up going out drinking, and she's still out there. And at that point, I had another chip on my shoulder. Well, look what they, you know, look what she did to me. HALT was another one that I didn't use. H-A-L-T. I was just out there just, just, I was absolutely insane. First things first. Well, I got into the first year, year and a half, I got into what we call workaholism, because I really didn't want to look at myself, nor did I know how to look at myself. So I spent a good portion, I was put up on a computer system and I just into fame and fortune and oh, all this wonderful stuff. And I was working twelve to fourteen hours a day and, you know, meetings were there, but I was just doing, just, just, just being totally insane. Easy does it was not part of my vocabulary. Being grateful, I didn't have a higher power at that point of time. So when I first came into this program, I did everything wrong, and that's okay. The only thing that I did right was stay sober and I stayed sober out of spite. I said, I'll show you I can do it. And that's basically what I did the first year, year and a half. When I gave my first lead in Cleveland, it took me fifteen minutes. I didn't talk about alcoholism, and I had already received the twelve promises. And somebody had, somebody had gotten up out of the audience and said,
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geez, that's the first time I ever heard the promises used and that you had received all of them. And after he sat down, I thought that was a compliment. Later to find out it was not a compliment. The twelve promises, of course, are as a result of working the first nine steps, and I hadn't done that. I spent a lot of time that first year, year and a half, and one of the things that happened because of my intellectualizing, I was walking around with this knot in my stomach, and I was also drinking probably a bottle of Maalox a day. I was just into so much control, and as I look back on it today, it's like so much fear, and I didn't really recognize that. I didn't realize how much fear, because I never put labels on emotions. I didn't know how to do that. I think I spent my whole life in oblivion and controlling other people, places, and things, and as a result of that, I didn't have to look at myself. I wasn't taught how to look at myself. I was brought up as, you know, be strong, be a hard worker, and just go with your life, and you don't have to let people in. Don't trust people. So that was my first, my first sixteen months.
It was just working, you know, and trying to change everyone else but myself. Just getting into the program the wrong way. In my sixteenth month, and at this point, I had used the people in the program as my sponsor after my first sponsor went out and got drunk. In about the sixteenth month of my program, what happened was that my emotions, I had walked into a meeting one night, and my emotions were up to my throat. I had this knot, and I said, you know, if this isn't getting better now, I had already worked the first five steps, and if this isn't getting better, I might as well go out and drink, and that's the way I felt that night. Fortunately, there was a friend, and she went and talked to this woman, and this woman came up to me, and she said, what's the matter with you? And I said, what is it to you? And she says, let's go out in the parking lot. I thought we were going to go out for a fist fight. We went out to the parking lot, and she proceeded to clean my clock. I needed someone at that point to be stronger than I, and from that point on, we started slowly, she started slowly taking down the walls. I started trusting.
I started allowing someone to find out who I was, because I most certainly didn't know. Somebody suggested perhaps maybe that I needed therapy. I said, me? I said, no, I don't need therapy. I don't need additional help. It took me probably about three or four months to get my pride out of the way and my ego out of the way and say, well, maybe, because this knot still isn't going away, and if I have to have, continue to have this knot, I don't want it. You know, I might as well go back out there and drink and just finish it up. So, with me, I was the type of person that as long as you gave me two roads, I had to check it out, and I had to find out, well, I know what the one road is, and that's drinking, but maybe I need to check out this other road. So, what happened was that I did spend the next 18 months in therapy, additional help, and it helped. It worked. It unraveled everything from way back before I ever picked up the first drink and coming forward. It helped me to put labels on feelings. It helped me, you know, to get in touch with those things, and it's amazing that knot went away. I haven't had it yet since today, for today, and I'm sure that I, a day at a time, as long as I don't take the control back, it'll be okay, and so that took me into about my fourth year, unraveling everything, starting to rework the steps, starting to come to grips with step one and saying, yes, I am powerless over alcohol. I had really not too much of a problem with that. I had a problem with my life is unmanageable, and I didn't recognize that my life was unmanageable because I was so much into control of other people, places, and things, and then getting into step two and turning it over to a power greater than myself. I had to recognize first that there was a power greater than myself, and that was a little difficult. Once I realized that and then made a decision and then turned it over and started coming into working with my higher power. Now, up to that point, I really had a higher power only to the point of I was not from a religious background. I think my family went to church just on Easter just because everybody else did, so there wasn't any real religion back there, and I can relate very well to chapter four, the agnostics. I believed that something out there
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made this universe, whether it was evolution, whatever it was, but that's where it stopped, and somewhere along the line, I started listening, and I started getting in touch with a higher power, and it seemed to work slowly, and then I redid my fourth and fifth step, and I took responsibility for what I did in my life, and that's what I did wrong in the first part of it, and I learned how to live sober and take responsibility for the things that I did. I started going back. I went back to school. Now, when I first started out, of course, what naturally good alcoholics do is that we're going to take a big load, and we're going to be able to accomplish this in the first year, and I had to drop it because I was not…somewhere, I was in a fog, and I didn't recognize that either, and the next time I went back to school, I took like two subjects. At first, I took one subject, and then the next quarter, I took two subjects, and that's about where I'm at right now, and that's okay. I may graduate when I'm 85, but that's okay, too. I've come to accept that.
Another thing that's helped me in my program is going to Al-Anon. I started going to Al-Anon in my fourth year, and I've been doing that ever since. It's been very helpful for me working with alcoholics. Sometimes I have a difficult time detaching from them, so it was suggested that maybe I should go to Al-Anon and detach from them, as well as my family, and that's been very helpful for me because I've been able to continue to zero in on some of the things that I've…that I do. I have a tendency to do. I don't detach. I have to watch my expectations. I have to continue, you know, just to be me and to look at myself on a daily basis. So today, it's great. I mean, where I was when I first came in this program, which was probably a blithering idiot, and to where I'm at today, and I've gotten a heck of a lot of those promises the right way today. It's been a long haul for me, only because my brain has gotten in the way. My intellectualism has gotten in the way. My fears, which I didn't recognize what they were. Myself got in the way because I was afraid to let go. I was just afraid of letting go of that control. Once I let go, everything started falling in place. The steps started falling in place. My life started falling in place, and I don't have to control people, places, and things today. I can just be me, and I know who I am today, and I like me today, and that's a big accomplishment because I had thought I liked myself before, and as I started unraveling myself, I didn't like myself. I recognized that I didn't like myself, and that's why I was where I was at. Alcoholism for me is a deadly disease, and I know today that I cannot go out and drink. I can't do it because I won't be back, and I like my life the way it is today. The people at this conference, I've been to a lot of conferences. I'm involved in service work back in Northeast Ohio, and I've been to conferences in the five states, and I've talked at them, but this is, I'm just so grateful that I've been given the privilege to have, to speak today.
I mean, it's just an honor. I have been given so much in those last past six years, and the difference of living sober today is just, it's just beyond words. I just, you know, I just walk around and just say, thank you, God, because I would not, six years ago, you know, I thought I was living, and where I'm at today, it's just, I don't know, I just marvel at myself, and the neat part about this program is that I can continue to grow.
I can continue to go to meetings, excuse me, I can continue to go to meetings, and I can continue to find out more about myself. It's an adventure. It's an education, and you know, as long as, as long as I continue to keep reaching out, I have a beautiful sponsor, I have beautiful friends, I have you beautiful people out there, and no matter what part of the world I go to, this is a family, and that's a nice feeling, because I had kind of a tough time with my family, and I have a new family today, and I have all you lovely people out there, and you are my family, and it's just, it's, it's, you know.
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world. You'll never, I'll never be lonely, and that's a nice feeling. I don't have to be alone anymore, as long as I don't pick up that first drink. Thank you. What a beautiful message. It's, it's once I got beyond looking at the sex of the person and got into how they felt and closed my eyes, they all became me, and that, that was when I could start to get sober. I had the privilege this morning of getting to know Howard G.
from Vermont, and a very special place for me, because I did live there for four years, and he's got, I'm sure, a wonderful story on sobriety and, and living sober. So give a warm welcome to Howard G., please. Good morning, everybody. My name is Howard, and I'm an alcoholic, and so grateful to be here this morning, so grateful to be here this whole weekend, living sober. One thing I know, I drank for 30 years alcoholically, and not for one minute in those 30 years that it prepared me for living sober, and I had to learn all of that after I came in this program. I had to learn how to live sober, and it's just, it's a phenomenal thing. It certainly didn't prepare me to get up here this morning and do what I'm doing right now. I could no more have done this when I was drinking than many other things in sobriety. I thought also this morning, what a joyous, wonderful thought after being in the stadium last night and looking around there, and I'm told there are about 43,000 people here, and just imagine, there are 43,000 people woke up without a hangover, and that's beautiful to me. That's really beautiful, particularly for myself.
I woke up without a hangover. I'm here with two other people who were great drinking buddies of mine. We came here, we visited Montreal, oh, I don't know, sometime 1972 or something, and I'm embarrassed to think about it. I can't conceive of what I did in that weekend. I mean, it's unbelievable. I mean, I was, and I wanted to stay at the same hotel. When I saw that on the list, I immediately said, hey, we want to stay there at the Buena Ventura because we were there when we were drinking, and to be, and the three of us are sharing the same room, and to be sober in the same hotel and walking these streets sober and being on the subway sober, and each of us said, well, what did we do? What did we do?
All I know is an Easter morning, and I came down the lobby, and a lot of pygmies, I thought, were crawling around on the floor. It was an Easter egg hunt, and the children were everywhere, and I thought I was going out of my mind, but it's so, to me, today living here, being here today is a very, very special experience, and I keep thinking of all the people that prepared the road for me, all the people back there, Bill W. and Dr. Bob, preparing this road, preparing all the literature, preparing, doing all the work for me today for each one of us. I think that's just so phenomenal. We don't have to do anything except not drink and go to meetings. It's all there for us. The steps are there. The traditions are there for us. There was a wonderful article, I believe in this last month's grapevine on people that prepared the road, and I was so impressed with that, and I thought for myself, in 1947, I went out to Fire Island. I'd just gotten out of the army in Fire Island near New York City, and there were people there. I immediately drank alcoholically at that point. There were people there who saw that I had a problem. I was 12-stepped at that time. This was in 1947 by a woman named Marty M., and it was so incredible what she had done. She talked to me, and she talked to me, and she talked to me, and she never talked about my problem. My ego was so inflated that, my God, I just thought it was so wonderful that this woman would spend so much time with me. I remember also that there was a young fellow who I heard was an Alcoholics Anonymous, and I didn't understand what he was doing because he was drunk all the time, but he was in Alcoholics Anonymous, as he told me.
One night, he came very, very drunk to my house, and he looked at me, and he said, Howard, I came here to tell you something. He said, this is very important. It was in the middle of a big party, and I was 19 years old, and he said, you know, you've had it. And we all laughed, and we thought that was a great joke. And it wasn't until I read that article the other day in The Grapevine, suddenly I thought, my God, maybe he wasn't kidding. You know, it wasn't a big joke. He saw something that I didn't see, and I did have it. I had it at that time at 19, and I went on for 30 more years drinking alcoholically. In 1970, another
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dear friend 12-stepped me and sat me down in his beautiful garden and asked me if I thought I had a problem with alcohol. And I said, oh, Freddy, I was so condescending, and I said, oh, Freddy, my goodness, I mean, do you really think I might have a problem with alcohol? And I can hear my words, I can handle it, don't worry. And he never said another word. And those people were preparing me because when I got a call a few years back, one morning from someone, it's not recommended in this program, I got a call, and he asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting. Again, another person saw that I had a problem. Another person was concerned for me. And suddenly all that 12-stepping, all those seeds that had been planted, one 30 years before, one 10 years before, and so on, all of that came to light. All of it came together that morning. I said, oh, my God, AA, of course. I was helpless and I was hopeless that morning, and I just was so happy that there was hope, there was possibility something could take care of me. And I was always looking, I would go out to the bars, I was always looking, always looking for it, for whatever it is, you know, and I thought, oh, my God, this might be it. And I went to my first meeting, and it was very exciting because it was down in Greenwich Village in New York. And I went in those rooms and I saw laughter, and I saw excitement, and I saw bright eyes. It was the bright eyes that had gotten me. I mean, I call it the look of AA, those bright eyes. And they were so happy, and I was so ready and willing that day, and I was so prepared to do whatever anybody wanted me to do. The willingness was there right from the beginning. I was so excited that possibly there was a solution to my problem. And I began to work my program. They said 90 meetings in 90 days. I think I did 180 meetings. My sponsor never told me that two meetings a night wasn't one meeting. He said, you just stay there. You just go and you stay, you know. And I did, and afterwards I went to drink coffee, and I loved that. It was so wonderful. And I was with people, you know, until midnight, and I was living with an alcoholic who came in the program the same day. And then he would come home and we would sit and talk for an hour more with another pot of coffee. It was just absolutely magnificent.
And all of this now then began my wonderful track in sobriety, and it's been joyous. It's really been joyous. I think, again, to repeat that word, willing. I was so willing. I wanted it. I wanted what everybody had. I wanted those bright eyes. I wanted all of that wonderful sobriety that I saw around me. And in my first year, I was so happy. At four o'clock at work, I would just get so excited because I thought, I can go to a meeting. I can go to a meeting.
And I'd run home, and I'd have a cup of coffee, and I'd go off to the meeting, and here would be another wonderful night. And then about the 10th or 11th month in sobriety, something happened, and I don't… I think I understand it today. I mean, it was… I thought I was working my third step, and suddenly a series of events took me to Vermont. I'd never been in Vermont in my life. I went to visit somebody for one day. I screamed and hollered. I said, I don't want to go to Vermont. I don't even want to visit this person. I went there. And within weeks, I owned a farm. I'd given up a job, an apartment in New York, house on Fire Island, and totally moved myself to Vermont with this friend who was living with me. I believe it was a very, definitely a spiritual experience. I went there, and I stood the first day in Vermont at this farm, and I had a sense of the best word I can use is serenity.
I had a feeling that this is where I belong. This is where I should be. And this friend had gone off into another direction, came back and looked at me, and he said, could we sell Fire Island and buy this place? And I said, but you live there six months a year. That's your home. And he said, no, I feel something here. He said, I feel I should belong here. And the two of us went, and it's been… That was seven years ago, and it's been one of the most joyous experiences in my life, in my sobriety. Living sober has been incredible for me. We have a farm. I've got an antique business. We have horses. We breed Morgan horses. All of this is incredible. It's everything that I… Nothing that I would ever have written the script if I had ever written it myself. You know, they say if we write it our first year in sobriety, we certainly are going to shortchange ourself, and I certainly would have because I never would have included any of this in my sobriety. I had a tremendous sense of responsibility to this gift that's been given to me. I never could receive a gift when I was drinking. It was the most difficult time. Christmas, birthdays, anything of that time were miserable for me. I would cringe because I knew people were going to give me presents, and I didn't know how to accept them. I absolutely didn't know how to accept them. When I came in the program and they talked about a gift of sobriety, it frightened me because I wasn't sure I could accept it well or properly. What I did
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and what I feel in Vermont and what I feel today is my enormous sense of I am responsible. I am responsible for this program, for when the hand of AA reaches out. When anyone asks me to sponsor them, I do say yes. I don't try to evaluate whether I can sponsor that person or not sponsor that person. It always seems to work out. It always seems to work out. I try to plan my day, but I also try to accept whatever happens during my day.
Rarely, rarely does my day come out the way I planned it. Very often it doesn't come out for three and four and five days the way I'd planned it. It's something I have to accept, and I try to accept each day, one day at a time. I look around me on the farm and people say, my God, you've done so much in such a short time, and I'm amazed. Yes, it's amazing what has been done in such a short time, but it wasn't on my schedule. It wasn't on my schedule at all. It's taught me patience. It's taught me tolerance. I've worked with people in the town, and it's been a tremendous experience. Practicing these principles in my daily affairs is something that's right up front with me. It's not that I come to meetings and talk and then go home and act another way. I try to practice these principles in my daily affairs, and it's worked for me so beautifully. It's been something that has been just a joy for me since I've been in the program. Coming to this convention is just kind of very exciting, too, because the two of us, it's the first time in the seven years we've been there that we've both left the farm at the same time. I haven't really given it too much concern. I haven't worried. It's okay. My control was so enormous when I drank. I controlled everything and every situation around me, all the people around me. And for me to just let go and say, okay, that's the way it's supposed to be. We both planned to come to this convention. I wasn't sure until Thursday morning, actually, whether I was coming. And Thursday morning, I got very excited. I thought, isn't this exciting?
I'm going to go to that convention. And I got very, very thrilled with the whole idea. But I didn't know until then. I didn't know how the two of us could leave. I didn't know how we could leave all these animals and a business and things like that. But for me, it's whatever I put before my sobriety, I'm going to lose. And I try not to put those things before my sobriety. Whenever the hand of AA reaches out, I mean, those things are secondary, third, fourth, fifth. It's not important. None of it is important. It's just that I am there. I am responsible. And I sometimes, you know, that phone rings off the wall sometimes during the day. And there are times when it starts at seven in the morning, I don't get off the phone until noon. And there's a lot to do. And I have to keep reminding myself, I am responsible. I am responsible. This is my life. This is what I'm all about. This is why I'm here. It's not to be out there in an antique shop or taking care of the lawn or working in the fields or anything of that sort. It's I am responsible. That phone is my responsibility. And I do still go to meetings. I try to go every night. And I can't imagine the day that I don't go to a meeting. I mean, it's I get up in the morning, I plan my day around going to a meeting that night. Everything kind of stops if I can around four o'clock.
I start preparing dinner. I start the whole process of getting to that meeting. And so for me, it's just a beautiful way of life. My family is at the meetings. I mean, my social life is at the meeting. My friends are at the meeting. Everything is at the meetings. And so I just can't imagine not going to a meeting each night. For me, that's the wonderful bonus, the fringe benefits, the excitement of this program, that it's there for me all the time. It's never beyond my reach. It's just been such a wonderful sobriety for me that I can't, you know, I just I don't know how I was saying before, you know, it's always been a very difficult part for me. You know, I can tell my drunk log and then when I get up to the point, well, then I came in the program and I want to say thank you. It's very difficult for me. I don't know how to give gratitude. I mean, I just feel it and it's hard to express it. And it's somebody once told me just the mere fact that we get up here and talk and are willing. And I did want to get up and talk and say thank you to all of you people for this wonderful, wonderful program that I'm in and for helping me stay sober because without you, I certainly am nothing. The magic that I look for, it I look for in all the bars. I mean, all that magic is right here in these rooms. And it's something that as a little child I dreamt of. I thought, you know, I always used to sit and think, oh, if the world could only be when I drank, I'd go out and sit at a rock and bay at the moon and say, if the world could only be, you know, why can't the world be this? Why can't the world be that? I didn't know I had to change.
I didn't know I had to change. I didn't know I was the one. And now that I've tried to change and work in this program, work in the steps,
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it's not the world, it's me. And things around me have been beautiful, and I've just been so happy in sobriety. And again, I want to thank every one of you for being here. Thank you. What a beautiful message of love. It's just incredible. We have a beautiful loudmouth coming to the microphone. Ken B., as you can tell, is not Betty O., who was listed. And Ken, I am privileged to be the delegate from the very small wonder state of Delaware.
And Ken is the present delegate, panel 34, from the state of Oregon. And just before the whole meeting began, he showed us just a magnificent proclamation. And I don't know where all of you come from, but the state of Oregon has given Alcoholics Anonymous a week of its own in Oregon. And I think, isn't that beautiful? I think Delaware gave us one day, and we're going to have to go back and do something about that.
Please give a warm welcome to Ken from the beautiful state of Oregon. I am Ken, Ken Beckrich, from the state of Oregon. My home group is Oregon City. It's the finest group and best group in the world. And if you don't think yours is, go back and do something about it. Oregon City is fantastic. We've had the privilege of putting out three delegates out of Oregon City. Prior two delegates to me have passed away, Betty V. and Bill G., and they were my sponsors.
I have a sponsor today who was a past delegate, and he's sitting back there, Jack D. At this time, I want to say thank you to Betty, because what happened is the state of Oregon was left off the roster. She wanted to speak in the state of Oregon, and Washington had a couple of people speaking. And when Betty saw that, she asked me if I'd like to speak in her place. And for someone to have that kind of gratitude, to give up their spot to speak at the convention, is sharing and caring.
Thank you, Betty. If I sound funny, it's because I'm from the South Bronx. I did one of these trips around the world in order to get sober. I left home at 16 years of age and went in a merchant marine. And I traveled all over, and I drank all over, and I played the games. I wound up settling down in Oregon 20 years ago. I wound up getting sober in Mattoon, Illinois, 11 years ago. I fought the program for 12 years.
I made my first AA meeting when I was 30 years old. It's fantastic, you know, it works, if you keep coming back. My program is nothing different than the average person's program. It's a one-day-at-a-time program. You see, I ought to be one of these wise asses in the streets that fought it, and I was not an alcoholic, I wasn't like you. I was better than, or could be, or what if. My life was full of all kinds of hopes and promises, and I was going to do it my way.
Not the way Frank Snatcher says, my way. My way from the streets. But you see, a guy like me has to do it the hard way sometimes. At 16 years of age, I walked out of school, went in a merchant marine. And I traveled a lot and did a lot. And I played it tough. You see, I thought it was tough. But I got beat by alcohol. I made my first meeting when I was 30 years old in Whittier, California, the home of Richard Nixon.
They have good AA meetings there, too. I traveled around from that time on for about 12 years. Merchant marine, construction, contracting all over. And finally, I got sent back to Mattoon, Illinois, May of 1974. 12 years of fighting the program, and I couldn't let go. In that 12 years, I had 3 years one time, 1 year twice, and many, many times of 6 months, 3 months, 2 months. But you see, somehow, someway, I always thought I could lick it.
Because you see, I was nothing but a kid that had troubles, that's all. I thought I could lick it. But alcohol is cunning and it's baffling. It's cunning and it's baffling. I played all of the games. You know, my life, as far as I was concerned, was booze, bars, and broads. I played the games. I couldn't let go of it because I figured if I had to let go of alcohol, I couldn't play those games. You see, I did not know a way of living sober.
I did not know how to accept a life without alcohol. But it does bring you down to your knees. My company I was working for at that time sent me back to Mattoon, Illinois, as it rhymes with spit tune. To set up an industrial plant. And I drank my way back there. I drank my way for 2 days because I had the shakes real bad. You see, back in those days, my way of life was based upon alcohol.
[00:35:04]
It was sustenance to me because I woke up in the morning for the last 2 years of my drinking. It took about 3 fingers of gin to get started. And about 9 o'clock, I took a couple more fingers to get going until noontime because then I could have a couple to keep going until 3.30 when I got off work. I lived that way for 2 years. That's hell. But finally even that wore out. And there I'm sitting in a hotel in Mattoon, Illinois.
And the shakes came. And I was one of these guys that never got sick. Never threw up. I blacked out. Passed out. Came to and started drinking again. But the shakes came all of a sudden. I don't know why to today why they came. And why the hell it was Mattoon, Illinois, I couldn't tell you. But the uncontrollable shakes came and the fears came. And I cried like a baby. I couldn't stop crying. I reached over and I grabbed a hold of the big yellow pages and called AA.
AA in Mattoon, Illinois was not there. It was in Champaign, Illinois. It was about 40 miles, 50 miles north. And a woman on the phone says, I'm sorry, sir, there's no meetings tonight. I don't know if I can get a hold of anybody. She says, have you been around AA? And I explained my case. She says, I'll try and help. And that was about 10, 10.30 at night. About 45 minutes, an hour later, there was a knock on the door and there was 2 guys there with a coffee pot.
Now, where the hell they came from, I don't know. They came in that room and they stayed with me all night. You still, I still cry about that. They carried the message. I've never had a drink since. They sobered me up and they stayed with me for 3 days and even helped me finish the job I had. I got on an airplane and got back home. Made it to the Oregon City meeting the first night and Betty V. and Bill got a hold of me.
Sat me down and says, you little son of a gun. You're going to listen now and you're going to get in service work. And they got a hold of me and put me right in the service work. Service work in those days was washing the cups and sweeping the floor. Oregon City was a very, very funny place. Had AA there for 18 years prior to my getting on board. And the meeting was in the jail cell, upstairs over the police station.
So you went to an AA meeting, you had the shakes before you walked upstairs. It was tough love. It was tough love. But I dried out. Kept going to meetings. Kept washing the coffee cups. Started sweeping the floors. After 3 months they put me on a damage program and started going out to damage and talking. Keep sweeping the floors and keep coming back. Then they gave me a secretary job and kept on doing that.
Then the GSR job and played the game. But every single bit of it, all the way, they kept on saying, Ken, somebody came out to help you. It's your turn. It was my turn, that's right. And that's what this is all about today. It's my turn. I'm privileged to be the delegate for the state of Oregon. You see, a kid in the streets of the Bronx wound up having a job in Manhattan in 1954. And I got drunk and I got fired from the job over there on 45th Street and 3rd Avenue.
And I did a running drunk from that time on. And here it is. Last year I go back to the same area, 45th Street and Roseville Avenue, only about nine blocks away from where I was fired, ran out of town, you might say. I go back as a sober alcoholic. It comes around and it turns around, if you're willing to let it. My life today is based upon five minutes of talk about what it was like. And the rest of my life is based upon what it's like today.
Because what it was like is I had a hell of a time with it and I couldn't take care of it. Alcohol destroyed me. It tore me apart. Alcoholism is an insidious disease. My sister Joan drank herself to death at 35. My kid brother Frank drank himself to death at 32. My brother John was killed in a head-on crash in Baltimore, Maryland at 39. My brother Paul wound up 27 years in the stir. Murder one, drunk in a barroom fight.
I have a son today, just came out of a coma about a year ago. Drunk behind the wheel of a car. That's the name of alcohol. I can't do a thing about that. All I do is turn it over to God and carry the message. Someday, someway, my son may wake up. He knows what that did. Today, my program is so fantastic that living sober is the name of my game. I use my serenity prayer every day when I wake up. I wake up, I don't come to anymore.
I go to sleep at night, I don't pass out. I found out booze bars and brawlers also have liquor ladies and lounges. Straighten my life out. The business I'm in today is fantastic. I'm very, very fortunate. I quit my job about five years ago, and I moved too. I did a little scenic tour. I also have a little horse ranch. I have Arabian horses, not Morgans. I've been very privileged. I mean very privileged today.
It's just a fantastic life out there. If you're willing to do the job, you're willing to row the boat, you get to the other side of the river. I've let go of all the insidious desires and thoughts to drink.
[00:40:03]
It's funny because when I woke up in Mattoon, Illinois, the day after they kept with me all night long, my higher power told me, buddy, you have no more drunks left. All you've got left in you is to carry the message. It took me three years to get rid of the shakes. I was like that for three years. The brains and the marbles that always wanted to do things never got there. As I said, I walked to the school at 16.
I always envied people with an education. I envied people who were professional. I had hero worship around my ears because, you see, I cared for those things that people did, they accomplished. Today I can accomplish anything I want to one day at a time. Because, you see, I have the power of AA behind me and with me at all times. You people in this room are my power. My power comes to you and to my higher power of God as I understand Him.
God as I understand Him. I have a 24-hour day when I wake up. I plan today every single day for tomorrow. And if I do today what I should do, tomorrow will come. You see, yesterday is a cash check. I can do nothing about it. Tomorrow is a promissory note, and if I do the things of today, I've got ready cash to spend tomorrow. My program lives that way. I've had a very, very strong privilege in the last five years going into business.
Six years ago I went back to school and got my engineering degree. Five years ago I quit my job and started a business. I met a lot of people and a lot of friends. I travel a lot. In case any of you people get down to Washington, D.C., get over to the White House and ask for a meeting scheduled to the A's and A's group in Washington. Fantastic. You see a lot of senators and congressmen, lawyers and business people that have a common problem such as ours, and they're willing to care and share with you.
There's all kinds of people out there with our problem. It's an illness, but they're willing to care and share with you. All we can do is give what we have. If we don't give it, we can't keep it. If we don't give it, we can't keep it. A lot of people have asked me when I'm going to get off the damage panel. Now, back in Portland, Oregon, we have the damage panel, damage hospital, and we have a group that goes there every month.
I've been on it for ten years now. You see, I don't ever intend on getting off it, because if I can't give what I have away, I can't keep it. If I can't share it, I can't carry it. This program is to me, as we referred to about six months ago, sitting down and talking to a doctor about it, is you have an I program. I said, what do you mean by an I program? He said, I can't help you, but you can help you if you say to yourself, I care enough about me.
I care to share my message, and I don't want to drink today. So I have an I program. I will take care of it, I will maintain it, if I wake up sober, if I do the things in the big book, and I care to carry the message. And that's my life today, carrying the message. Business to me is nothing, it's a piece of cake. I was trained for business, what the hell, that happens. If it doesn't happen, the worst of business will go away and I'll go find a job.
But I will remain sober. I've been privileged to go back to Washington several times for appointments, I've been privileged to get a, we just mentioned a minute ago, Elkie said this, that the Governor did a fantastic job, he even gave us a proclamation. That's a continuation for the rest of eternity in the state of Oregon, the first week of July every year will be Alcoholics Anonymous Week, by proclamation.
I was privileged to receive that proclamation. Last night you heard Bob read the proclamation from the President of the United States. I've been privileged to talk to him a couple of times about Alcoholics Anonymous. He's a beautiful man, he understands our program. Nancy's a beautiful lady, she cares too. This program is nothing but caring and sharing, and if we care to carry the message and share it with other people, they will understand what we're all about.
I didn't care about that before, you see, because I was so insidiously wrapped up in myself. I couldn't care that kind of a message. This program is the most God-giving, God-living program in the world. I heard a speech back in California one time about a guy who was sparking Duffy. I don't know if any of you people ever heard Duffy. Duffy comes from the South Bronx too. He went to Clark High School, my brother Phil went to Clark High School.
But Duffy says that this program didn't give him a pair of eyes, it didn't give him no new teeth, it didn't give him any fingers, it didn't give him a new leg, it gave him a life. And that's what it's given me, it's given me a life. But when you get up and walk out that door, you've got the challenge of the world on your back. And that's the most fantastic part about this program. We get out of our meetings in Oregon City.
We get out of our meetings in Oregon City, I got one on Monday night, one on Thursday night, and we all head for the coffee bar, or the ice cream parlors, and we share a little bit of life with each other.
[00:45:01]
We prepare ourselves for the outside world. At the Oregon City group we have what we refer to as one-minute counselors, or temporary sponsors. We look for the new guy that walks in the door. He may be shaky and flaky. You see, he's the same kind of guy I was. We greet him, and we say a few words to him, and ask him if he needs a temporary sponsor. You see, I sponsor about 30 or 40 people all the time, temporary, because my business takes me away all the time, and I tell people, if you want a permanent sponsor, grab ahold of a dude who's going to be around.
If you're a lawyer, get ahold of another lawyer. If you're a bricklayer, get ahold of a bricklayer. Get ahold of somebody you feel comfortable with, because that person can share a lot with you. As you grow up the ladder of the program, you get to different points. You need different types of sponsors. I feel that very much. Because this is a growth program, and if you can't grow with your sponsor, then you better get a new sponsor. If he can't grow with you, he needs help. That's living sober.
I wake up and face the day today with a challenge. I love it. I love it. The world is full of challenges out there. And without a challenge, what do you got? What do you got? It's a bored life out there. I got a couple of Arabians I'm trying to put to pasture right now. His horse thing just gets me. I heard that Morgan's is fantastic. There's a kid in the streets of the Bronx, a high school dropout with a couple of Arabians and a 23-acre horse ranch in Oregon City. That's this program, man.
Twelve years ago, when I came into the program again and couldn't make it, and had to go out and fight it for another year and a half, and then woke up and met two Illinoisans like that, who the hell knows what's going to happen? But you people gave me a new lease on life to live sober. And all of the things I ever thought about doing, and talking to that man in the mirror in the bar doesn't do it.
But once I grabbed a hold of this life and you said to me, you can do it, Ken, if you go out there and work it, I started working it. Going back to school was one of the steps. Staying sober was the biggest step. Going to meetings and carrying the message. Quitting a job is a big challenge. It's no tough thing as long as you're sober, because that's just another challenge in life, another step. Every single day I expect to make challenges out there for myself. Getting into service work is the best challenge you can do for yourself. Get into it.
Somebody's got to carry the message. You get into it, get into it, though. Don't just get into it for a name. The average office in AA is a two-year office. Prepare yourself for two years of service work. Don't take it and drop it in six months, because something else looks prettier out there. I tell that to people in the service structure. My service sponsor's right back there, and he told it to me a couple of years ago.
You take on a job, do the job. Don't just jump traces. Grow with the job, because that's carrying the message. That's living sober. You see, of course, today I can make a commitment and I can live it. I can do anything I set my mind to do. Because, you see, today I can accept setbacks. There's no such thing as failure for me. I came from failure. I'm in success. My attitude of life has changed. AA, altered attitude. Setbacks happen. Stumbling blocks happen. What happens is you just take that setback or that stumbling block and you say, Hey, God, thank you. Give me another challenge. And you make something out of it. You make something out of it. That's the way business is. That's the way life is. And that's the way growth is.
Living sober is the most fantastic challenge in the world. But remember, you don't live sober at that meeting. You live sober when you walk out that door. You face that real world out there, and that's the challenge. It's a fantastic challenge. Because, you see, you've been given all of the keys and all of the steps to work with at the meeting. When you walk out the door, you carry the message. You see, I always say to people when they come in the room and they sit down and they start talking, I get some four-letter characters over here and some guys over here putting things down.
And I say, Hey, wait a minute. There's a new dude in this room. And you may be the only big book that dude reads. So act like you carry the message. Act your program. Clean up your act. Do something about your way of life. You see, I turn my life over to my higher powers. I can't understand them. It says, Thy will be done in the big book of me. My book. And I say, Hey, Thy will be done, Lord. I give it to you. If it goes wrong, it's your problem, not mine.
But just give me the hope and the strength to change it. He's done it since I sobered up. It's fantastic. This program's great. I have a friend over here from Texas City, Texas. He's been my chauffeur for three days. Imagine a kid in the Bronx having to text him for a chauffeur. His lovely wife, Mary. Fantastic message we've been carrying. Every place I go, I meet people because I can care and I can share. It's fantastic.
It's the most beautiful God-given program known to man. Bill Debbie was a beautiful person. He was the most beautiful person in the world because, you see, he wouldn't accept rewards if you read his book. Pass it on. That's what it's all about.
[00:50:01]
You're sitting in this room today, and I hope to heck that when you walk out of this room, there's something you heard or something you can live with. Because if anything I say is of any importance, remember, to me, I'm sober because I'm here today. And if you heard anything here, just do me a favor and pass it on. Thank you. A beautiful, just an incredible morning. I'm certainly, we do have time left, and I'm certainly not going to go into telling my drunk a log. That's usually not my style.
I will give you just a very special thing from me that when five years ago, my new husband, who at the time had about 25 years sobriety, and I boarded the plane to go to New Orleans, we had with us my 17-year-old, both egomaniacs, with a year and a half sobriety. And also another son of mine who has now since told me that he had to roll 15 joints of marijuana before he got on the plane, and we went to New Orleans. And here I am here, and that same son is now, the first one is 23 years old, and he's got six beautiful years and is graduating from college in a few weeks.
And the second son, the one that rolled the marijuana and drank all that beer, has a year in the program. And if I were to ask a prayer, it is that when the next international rolls around, that my 18-year-old, who I had to kick out of the house because he could not, I could no longer be an enabler to his alcohol and drug problem, that with your prayers, maybe he will be with me then. Because the God that is in all of you is the God that was given to me, and that to me is where God is. It is all the truth that you're capable of sharing with me, that gave me my life back, is what has made this convention possible, that has made this room possible, and has made the beautiful message that these fantastic people on the podium and all of you possible.
And so I'd like once more a hand for Joyce Howard and Ken. And for those who care to join me, would you say the Lord's Prayer?