Audio
Transcript
Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Unknown Speaker – FEELINGS NOW THAT I HAVE THEM – RS 06395.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-unknown-speaker-feelings-now-that-i-have-them-rs-06395.mp3 Duration: 01:13:25
============================================================
My name is Hubert Hoot Malone, and I am an alcoholic. Good morning, everyone. If you would care to, we'll open the meeting with a moment of silence. Those of you who care to, would you join me in the serenity prayer? God, grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Oh, what a beautiful morning. Everybody's got their rooms, I hope, by now.
Got a place to stay. I tell you, I didn't volunteer for this job. I got their love and invitation, like the rest of us did. I've got to read this anonymity clause to you. There may be some here who are not familiar with our traditions of personal anonymity at the public level. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, and film.
We respectfully ask that no A.A. speaker, or indeed any A.A. member, be identified by full names or photographs in public or broadcast reports of our meetings. The assurance of anonymity is essential in our efforts to help other problem drinkers who may wish to share our recovery program with us. And our traditions of anonymity reminds us that A.A. principles come before personalities. Now you may get tape of this meeting at the convention center, at the tape booth.
I think that's all the announcements I have. The three speakers this morning, I never met them before, just a few minutes ago. But I'll assure you, they're okay. Because I've already taken their inventory. But our meeting this morning is on feelings, now that I have them. And without further ado, from the state of Florida, here's Betty P. This is really it? In case any of you wondered, I did think about this a little bit a few thousand times since I received a loving invitation.
I feel extremely grateful, speaking of feelings. I feel very, very privileged to even attempt to stand here and share with you. So I'm somewhere between joy and terror. I don't know quite where it is. I imagine most of you, as I was, were at that wonderful opening meeting last night. I'm glad I don't have to describe all the feelings I had in one evening. That just ran the whole gamut. I cried. I laughed.
I felt overwhelmed. I felt extremely privileged to be part of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's what I am, a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Betty Potter. Hi. I'm an alcoholic from Pompano Beach, Florida. And I'm a member of the Tough Love Group in Pompano Beach. We have a few members here this morning, and I appreciate their support more than I can say. Somewhere last night, I got in touch with a very deep sense of humility and quiet.
It was way down inside me. And it's a beautiful feeling to know that it's there in the hurly-burly and the busyness of my life.
[00:05:00]
And going from one thing to another, I sometimes forget that it's there. But it was given to me by you and Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was given to me through the steps of this program. And what it is, it's a touch of God. It's a hand of God. I thought again when they talked about the Responsibility Declaration, about I want the hand of AA to always be there, and for that I am responsible. And I hope I can remember that.
It wasn't always that way. I didn't know very much about responsibility when I got here. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I heard a saying that kind of summed up what you were telling me. And it said, it's the feeling you feel before the thought you think, before the drink you drink. And something clicked in my head, because I had always had a jumble of feelings. And anything I say about, probably anything behind this moment is only in retrospect and in what I know now.
But as I look back, I know that my whole life was a jumble of feelings. You told me that alcoholism was a disease of the feelings. And I could identify with that. Overriding every feeling I had when I got here was this kind of a dome of fear. I was afraid of you. I was afraid of my own family. I was afraid of everybody around me. And I think I was mostly afraid of what was inside me. And I didn't know that.
So you told me to take a look back. You know, and this is definitely in retrospect. Even as a little child, I wanted to change things. Not me. I wanted to change things to suit me. And God reveals to me in his own time and when I am ready things. It was only a couple of weeks ago I ran into another incident in my way, way past, where when I didn't get my own way about something, I changed the scene immediately.
I reflected a few years back with a sister after we became reacquainted after AA. Prior to that, I had considered her a deluxe Pollyanna. Someone I didn't want to be around. I saw the world in a very different way than she did. But I didn't understand that or see it until we shared one time. It's interesting because she came on one spiritual road and I came on a very bumpy one to my spiritual road.
And we ended up on the same road. And so we can share today. And in sharing we talked normally about what it was like when we were kids. And a very amazing awareness came over me. She remembers life differently than I do. She does. She remembers happy little birthday parties and white starch dresses and patent leather shoes and hair ribbons. She remembers who she went to school with in the first grade.
I don't remember where I went to school. I remember tearing little white dresses and falling in the mud puddles. Nothing seemed to go right. Exemplifying the whole thing was when we shared about the circus. My father used to, and I thought of this last night as I left a little bit early, take us away from the circus before it was over to avoid the crowds so we wouldn't get stampeded.
[00:10:02]
She saw it that way. I didn't. Every time we went to the circus I cried all the way through it because I wasn't going to see the man shot out of the cannon. That was a shock for me because I could apply that to almost everything that I did. That was what I blew today. I blew what was happening. Wanting something different. Wanting to change it. Not liking it the way it was. Inability to accept what is.
What happened to change this person? Something happened. Something happened. That something was… Alcoholics Anonymous. When I discovered alcohol, I was a very negative thinker. I had lots of problems. I was trying to create some wonderful thing about my life. I don't have time to go into a lot of part of my drinking life. It was a very long one. Although I told you it was very short when I got here.
I thought I was an alcoholic for about three years. As I say, things are revealed when they should be. I found out it was 30 years. I remembered my first drink and it clarified the whole mess. It really did. I had a first drink. It may not be significant to a lot of you, but it sure does tell my story. My first drink, I had decided I would not drink. I had seen what alcohol did to a person I cared very much about.
I had seen alcohol build walls around this person and I couldn't reach them. I think that in my own interpretation, I began a desperate attempt to win approval and get through that wall and try to remove that alcohol barrier. I would never drink. I would never do a thing like that. I couldn't do that to anybody. I was a sensitive, caring human being. In fact, everything hurt me all the time. I was so sensitive.
I would run up to the attic and get a book to read. Imagine what it was like when I hit a drink because here was the perfect escape. I could stay in the same place. I didn't have to run up in the attic. I could take a drink and go anywhere I wanted to go. But that first drink, there were eight or nine of us. I guess in looking back, we were kind of social retards or something because we were a young marriage and none of us drank and we thought the world was going to go on without us so we better hurry up.
So we had a drink and everybody in that group shared how they felt. Some liked it. Some didn't. I didn't share it. I didn't say a word. But I found something that removed that drive, that removed the past, that removed the future, and removed that fright and put me right directly in the moment that I was in. And that's something I had never experienced before. So I liked that. But it was guilt. It was a glass of guilt, too, because I broke another promise to myself.
A little more self-respect eroding from the very beginning. What happened was I decided that if it was this helpful, I needed it. So I would buy a bottle and hide it. I haven't met a social drinker yet who buys a bottle and hides it with their first drink. But I did. I did. I hid it in my underwear drawer. I decided that as time went on and life, and this is the way I used to think about it, when life pinned me in a corner, you know UAAers have taught me that life never pinned me in a corner.
I did it. I had to change my language when I got here. But that's the way I felt then. And I thought that when I got painted in a corner, And I thought that when I got painted in the corner, when you did something awful to me, and when I had to do something I didn't want to do, I could have a drink.
[00:15:06]
And that's my drinking story. It started out with one bottle in case I needed it. And 30 years later, it was trying to get away from the cases that I bought. So it was a story I can identify with any alcoholic who speaks because, you know, I had all the broken ribs and broken promises and hospitals and all the things that we hear about. And I had awful feelings. And I want to thank the men in Alcoholics Anonymous because they told me that they had feelings like I did.
And I didn't know that. I thought that anybody I had ever talked to talked about the weather and they talked about what was going to happen and all the things that did happen and they talked about who wasn't there. And no one said, I feel scared. No one told me that they felt like crying. And I want to thank the men for that because they broke down another illusion I had that I was different. So when I came to AA, I had a lot of unlearning to do.
How did I get here? Something happened. I was given the desire to stop drinking. I don't know where you think you got that desire, but I believe I got mine directly from the God I have come to understand through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know that that night. All I knew was I'd had it. Whatever it is, help. Now I know it was the help. It was the same response to that cry for help that when I was sitting here and said, help allowed me to stand up here today.
That I am not alone. I do not need to live alone in that isolated, awful cage behind the wall that I hated when I was a kid. And today, I can look back to the last of my drinking and realize what a feeling I don't want to forget. And we're talking about feelings of that terrible devastation, that terrible feeling that I've done something awful. I have built a wall around me that my own family can't get through.
And they're out there and they can't reach me. And I can't reach out because alcohol was more important to me than anything else in the world. Until that wonderful, wonderful, despairing, awful moment when I asked for help. Well, when I got here, I thought that I could tell you about a few broken ribs and things like that. And I could… Oh, I learned one thing right away. I could learn not to drink a day at a time.
That was an unheard of concept to me. I could stop drinking for three days to go visit my mother. It took me three days to stop. But it's possible. I could stop for several weeks. I could stop in all catastrophes. If somebody in my family was having a real crisis where I was needed around the clock, there I was, right on the spot. I didn't need to drink. I was needed. I was loved. I was important. Let everybody get well and go back to work and go back to school and do their own thing.
And there I am, drunk. It took me a long time to realize that it was I I was trying to get away from. Not them. Do you have thems in your life? I had a lot of thems. Thems were all over the place. It's only really been recently that I have realized that I don't have so many thems anymore. Maybe I'm beginning to learn some of the lessons you told me I had to learn. I told you I belong to a group called Tough Love.
All of the love I have received in Alcoholics Anonymous has at one time or another seemed like tough love.
[00:20:02]
And I've come to the conclusion that all love is tough love. Because you people cared enough to tell me what I had to do, like change my attitude. Hey, there wasn't anything wrong with my attitude. I used to hide my bottles in the bottom of the dust rag bag because nobody in my house would reach for a dust rag but me. I didn't understand that at all about attitude. After all, of course that was in the them days, you know.
If they wouldn't. One day I wrote a list. And this was a terrific, traumatic experience, as I'm sure some of you might agree with. To come into AA, one person, and get that person switched around to think and feel differently. Actually, I don't feel differently. I feel more of positive feelings. I don't have any fewer feelings or any more feelings. I don't have the awful umbrella of fear covering them all up.
One of the greatest shocks was to find out that when I got to AA, I was 51 years old, I was a grandmother, and you told me I was emotionally immature. I kicked the playpen and banged the high chair and did everything to prove to you that, you know, grandmothers aren't emotionally immature, they've lived too long. You said it's a growing up process. Take a look at the steps and begin to change. Start to take responsibility, there's that word again, for your own feelings.
Them are not making you do anything. Oh yes, they are. They're making me feel angry. I couldn't figure out why I had such baby emotions. That was one of the greatest shocks. And then I remembered, and I have to make this very brief. When my kids were teenagers, they and I related beautifully across the board. We had a ball, we rebelled against everything and everybody. We were part of the 60s, you know.
When the terrible thing happened, they grew up. I didn't need to, I had alcohol. Anytime I had a feeling I didn't know what to do with, I had a drink and changed it. That simple. I got to AA. What do I do to change how I feel? I couldn't run away. I tried. Somebody said hang up your running shoes, you don't need them anymore. You don't need the masks. I didn't have any masks. And one night I went to speak at a meeting I was quite familiar with.
And I started to talk and I felt very strange. I started saying things differently. And it came as a real shaking experience. I found that up to that moment I had hidden behind a huge, elaborate and eloquent vocabulary. What a wall. I kept you away. I had the perfect thing to say at a discussion meeting. A quote. A something. I wanted you to know this was working. You said, but it isn't a thinking recovery.
It's a feeling recovery. And that's what happened to me. I sat there and I talked funny. I said, easy does it.
[00:25:02]
I said all kinds of AA things. And you know what? I felt wonderful. I could begin to share really the simplicity of me and not the complexity of this head that was driving me crazy. And I knew it was a feeling thing. The feeling I feel before the thought I think. Before the drink I drink. And how many drinks I drink because of my feelings. I used to get up in the morning and I'd put all my feelings on a great big platter and I'd go around and say, go ahead, tell me how I'm going to feel today.
Have one. Make me angry. Make me sad. Do something so I'll know how I feel. I don't have to do that anymore. Something happened. What happened? I came with the dependence to Alcoholics Anonymous. This dependency on people to hold me up. This dependency on alcohol. And I had transferred. Have you ever done anything since you got sober? And you wonder, why do you keep doing that? And find out. A quick example.
Every time my son slammed the door, I took a drink. Now that's dumb. Just plain dumb. I knew it was dumb. I had wonderful reasons for drinking before that. I had these beautiful reasons like, you know, the Vietnam War. That was pretty good. Or big important things. And I knew I was slipping badly when I was drinking when he slammed the door. And somewhere in doing the steps, I recognized that when that door slammed, I had never dealt with all the negative door slamming I felt when I was a kid.
So I began to understand that a lot of the feelings that I had that I didn't know how to deal with were nothing but transferred emotions. Nothing but my garbage I was bringing with me. And you said, let go of it. Let go of it and learn to live today in the now, in the present. And you know, I'd get a glimpse of that living in the now. I'd get all comfortable. And right here and right now, that's where I found God.
I looked all over for him. He's not tomorrow. He's not in yesterday. I don't know where your higher power is, but mine came with me today. I have tried to get in touch with a few feelings. And that old sentence, that old phrase keeps coming back that something happened. I feel so privileged to live a whole new life. Two lives in one lifetime. That's a pretty good deal. Two lives. I don't feel related to the person who walked into Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I did no great dissertation. I did nothing in my head but let it get in the way. I did nothing but try to follow directions to begin to make some of these changes in my feelings. As I say, I have the same feelings. I'm perfectly capable of all the negative emotions. But I have finally allowed the positive and good feelings to prevail in my life. And that's when I learned to live in the now. Something happened for sure.
You happened to me. Alcoholics Anonymous happened to me. The steps of recovery happened to me. And God has happened to me. I'd like to close with a little prayer that I learned from an Al-Anon lady. I think I learned. I went into that meeting dragging my feet because I'm an alcoholic. Because I'm an alcoholic, I didn't need to go to Al-Anon, but I went to that meeting and I heard, I received a gift, I've received so many gifts, this was a special gift, I heard this lady talk about the disease of denial, and I heard her talk about her own denial, and I got in touch with my own beautiful family, I got out of my own way enough,
[00:30:25]
to begin to have a sense of what they must feel, and how they did feel, I have four beautiful children spread around this country all praying for me this morning, and a husband at home in Pompano Beach, and I am very grateful to all of them, and this lady ended with a prayer that I have kind of taken as mine, it says, Dear Lord, Thy will, nothing more, nothing less, and nothing else. Thank you very much.
Thank you, Betty. Now then, from New York, it's Tom Amster. Tom. Good morning, everyone. My name is Tom, and I'm an alcoholic. Who said that I'm from New York? I'm from the Baldwin Group of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is in the suburbs of New York, and if anybody doesn't know what the Baldwin Group is, I'm going to tell you. Baldwin is the greatest group in all of AA, and if you don't have group pride, you better get to another group, as Dave told us last night.
Before AA, I had a feeling. I had a feeling I was going to die and nobody was going to find me, and I felt very sad, but I had a wonderful feeling this morning. As I was told, this is prime time, you know, 9.30 meeting. I got that letter, as he said, a loving invitation, and it says, we don't know where the speakers, when you sign in for the speakers, we don't know where it is, but just ask somebody.
I had a feeling when I found the Bonaventure Hotel this morning, and I got good directions to the Hempstead Lacoutme or something, and I got four beautiful French ladies who could speak some English, and they told me, you know, in the meeting there, you got to go to another, go downstairs or something, you know, but I finally found this, but the wonderful feeling I had this morning when I woke up, I realized that today is the last day of my 27th year in this program.
Tomorrow is my birthday. And I told my group when I come back, I will formally celebrate with them, but tomorrow morning I'll have 40,000 plus coming to my anniversary. There are three important dates in my thinking as far as AA is concerned. 1935 when we started, 1985 that we're still going. But there's a unique year in AA also, 1957, when I came to this fellowship. It was on a hot July night, July the 7th.
And I've looked up some statistics about AA as we're here. We started very, very small. There were two drunks and there were three. And by 1937 we had 40 drunks, and in 1939 we had 100. And I heard a tape recently of those 100 drunks when the book came out in April 1939. Of those 100, there were only eight members who had over six months of sobriety. I had a feeling, how did this thing ever stay together?
But 1957, as you go along, is the only year that the membership went down in this fellowship. But the quality went up. I joined. We are so lucky to be here this morning because of two drunks from Vermont. And they were very bright gentlemen, I can tell you that.
[00:35:03]
Because when they grew up, they got smart, they left Vermont. One drunk, Dr. Bob, got to Akron, Ohio, and the other drunk went to Brooklyn, New York, where I was born and raised. But many days I passed Clinton Street not knowing that the drunk was in there trying to put this fellowship together. I have had many thoughts about feelings since I've been in the program. I had the feeling before I was going to die and you would never find me.
But since I've been in the program, I had great feelings. The first night that I got to ball and group, two drunks met me. We called them the Irish Mafia. I was taken an hour early because the non-alcoholic that took me said we had to be there at 8 o'clock and the meeting wasn't until 9. But one drunk talked to me and the other talked to her. And after the meeting, the two drunks that were the Irish Mafia pinned me to the wall.
They said, Tom, you're going to be a member of this group. You're going to go to the Freeport meeting tomorrow night and we're your sponsors. I cringe and I hurt when I hear people say I'm five years sober and this year I will get a sponsor. And now I had a funny feeling that we're your sponsors, you know. I've heard the expression, I had the good guy and the bad guy. I'll tell him, but I won't tell him.
And I was so mocused until six months later I didn't find out they talked to each other. We heard a lot about Bob, Bill at this convention, but I have a feeling and a memory about Dr. Bob. I had the privilege of knowing a fellow who was living in our area in New York and moved to Florida later, who was the first editor of the Grapevine, who told me the story that he was the fellow who took Dr. Bob out of the hospital in Cleveland when they had the first convention and rode with him to the convention and rode him back.
And I said, how was it? And I remember Al telling me, he says, We had a wonderful conversation, but we didn't talk much. And I feel that's my touch with Dr. Bob. I had the privilege, as Bill, you know, lived in the New York area. And in 1958 I went to Bill's 23rd anniversary. It was a big dinner in New York, I remember. And I was privileged to go up and shake the hand of Bill and he said, pass it on.
And I had a feeling that night that's beyond your expectations. In 1962 we had a convention in New York and Lois was speaking on the Avalon panel and she asked Bill to come with her. And I remember I was out at the front desk when the two of them came in the room and our delegate at that time, Ralph, grabbed hold of Bill and took him in the room and I followed. And he blew the meeting away. There was a meeting in progress and we heard Bill.
It was a wonderful feeling. In 1967 I ran unopposed. Nobody else, I guess, wanted the job and I was privileged to become the delegate of Southeast New York and go to the general service conference at the Hotel Roosevelt. And when I went into that room there were delegates from other parts of the United States and Canada and they were talking to Bill and I says I should go in and talk to him. But I says two minutes later another delegate will come in and I'll have to move over.
I'll see him at the conference. I went to talk to Frank R., a trustee of this great fellowship, for about an hour. I was a scared kid and I said to Frank, what's the conference all about? What do I have to do? And he calmed me down and he gave me a good feeling. And right after that I said goodbye to Frank. He had to go someplace and I walked down the hall of the general service office which is on 45th Street then and Bill was sitting in his office all by himself.
And I says you didn't come to see Bill, you came to represent many drunks in New York. And I walked in and I said hello to Bill and he said hello Tom. And I said he knows my name. And right around during the conference I told this to one of the delegates. He says stupid, you had a badge on, how could he miss? And I had the privilege of talking alone to Bill for about 40 or 50 minutes. And he was some person.
He was your father, he was your brother. He had a driving force, he was full of humility. The ashes as he smoked went on his tie, you know. And it's hard to explain but that's the way I felt that day. And I saw him many times at that conference and the following year I saw him again. I had the privilege in 1970 of going to the international convention in Miami Beach, Florida.
[00:40:02]
And that was a great convention because all drunks go to Florida the 4th of July weekend. And I remember Bill was to make some talks and he didn't. And we heard the rumor that he was sick and he was in a hospital. And we reverted back and I remember I was just as bad as anyone else. We said there's Bill in the hospital, there's Bill in Miami, there's Bill in Florida. They don't want to tell us. And I remember that historic Sunday morning when Dr. Jack who was there and was leading the meeting.
And they had a gal from Canada, a man from Massachusetts and a guy from Texas to be the speakers. And Dr. Jack got up and he announced to us that they were changing the format of the meeting. And it was allowed to introduce to us Bill W., the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. And Bill W. was in a wheelchair and he was wheeled out on the stage. And he came to a podium similar to this and he stood up before us.
And there was 11,000 drunks there and their friends. And that audience stood up and they gave him an ovation the likes of which I never heard before or since. And people couldn't talk to each other, their skin shriveled and all. And Bill said hello and he thanked us for being part of that convention and making it a success. He told us he thanked us for being allowed to be a part of this great fellowship.
And all that convention, they had a theme. And then this ceiling, there was a curtain across, a sign came down with five gold letters. They spelled out the word unity, the second legacy of this fellowship. And that was the morning that we got our Declaration of Unity. And 11 drunks from 11 different countries read that declaration to us. Which states, to place this we owe to AA's future. To place our common welfare first.
To keep our fellowship united. For an AA depends our lives and the lives of those to come. An AA isn't only for us, it's for our children and our children's children. And we have a grave responsibility in this program. And I feel we've been given a precious gift on a silver platter. And it depends on how each and every one of us carry that platter. Because we've been given the privilege. If we're all an AA, we could close it now.
We got the message. But we know the only way we're going to keep it is to give it away. And these are some of the feelings that I have. I remember in 1969 when Bill celebrated his 35th anniversary in the Hilton Hotel in New York. And we AAs, everybody was around, went to that dinner. And in coincidence there were 3,535 AA members and their friends that went to that dinner. There was 101 years for, 101 members there for every year of Bill's sobriety.
And Bill wasn't too well then, but he gave a talk. And it was the same theme, unity. And although Bill wasn't crying outwardly, he was crying inwardly. And his message was the 12 traditions. And he said, please use them and keep them in your group. Because it's very important to us because the group is the focal point. And the only way we're going to keep the groups together is to keep the traditions.
And this is a feeling I've carried with me that I have a responsibility to this program. It's a privilege to be a part of this program. The gift that I've received gives me a feeling that's hard to explain. We lost Bill in January of 1971. And I remember the world was shocked and stunned. And they said, who's going to run AA? But I remember from what I learned that we were all, we were all a part of it.
We all have stockholders in this great fellowship. We each have an equal share. And AA is running better than ever. And I remember talking to Bob H. one time. And he told us about 6 or 7 years after Bill was gone, that Bill took him out to lunch a few months before he died. And he said, Bob, if this thing lasts 5 years after I go, it'll make it. And I often thought how worried Bill was about, would this thing stay together?
Would there be a struggle for power and prestige and everything else? But we realize it and we're cut down when somebody gets up there. We have a chairman from Oklahoma. We have a delegate here who, you know, are only trusted servants. You know, Hood is only a current delegate. And I have the privilege of being a past delegate. And I've seen many past delegates in here. They ask us, you know, what is going on?
And I've heard the expression, watch out for those past delegates. They're harmless, believe me. They're noisy, that's about all. But don't be afraid of them. They're only another drunk like you and I. Another privilege I had was in 1971 after he lost Bill, was they decided, and Bill didn't want any fanfare at his funeral or anything. He didn't want no Board of Trustees or anything. And he died in January.
Board of Trustees or anything. And he died in January and he wasn't going to be buried till May up in Dorset, Vermont. But the AAs and the General Service Office, and they told
[00:45:00]
all of the AAs all around the world, we'll have a memorial service for Bill on Valentine's Day, the Day of Love. On Valentine's Day in 1971 at 2 p.m. they said, wherever town you're in or whatever AAs you can get together, have a service. And we in New York had a service and we had a cathedral of St. John the Divine. And the gal that was running it, she called me up before the service, she called me up about February the 1st, I was trying to recollect last night. She said to me, Tom, are you going to Bill's memorial service? I said, well there's one in Long Island and I live out here now, I don't know whether I'm going there or come into New York. She said, you have to come into New York. I said, why? She said, because I'm running it and I want you to help. And my humility got lost because I said, I have a dark suit but I get the middle aisle because I'm tall. I was a past delegate by this time so I had, you know, I knew what was going on. I was going to be the head usher in the middle aisle. And when I got there she said to me, hiya Tom, go into the back of the church and you'll meet various people, some of which I had met before and some of which I met that day. I met Marty Mann, Dr. Jack, Bob H., and the others, and the others were conducting the service. And then she said to me, I'll tell you what your assignment is and come with me. She took me to the back of the church and she said, a car will come along shortly and out of it two people will come and I want to show you where they sit. And then when they come in and they sit, you stay with them. And when the service is over, you escort them out. And the car came along and in that car was Lois and Nell Wing. And I had the privilege of escorting Nell and Lois to Bill's memorial service in New York. And I stood with them and I stayed for the service and then we took Lois out and put her back in the car. I didn't think why I was privileged then. Later on I had feelings I reflected, why didn't somebody from Al-Anon escort her? It was one of the privileges I had in this program. When I saw that trusty gal last night out there with her 94 years plus stand before us and was the wife of the great founder, the co-founder of this fellowship, tears came to my eyes.
And I said to myself, why did you get that privilege? It's one of the gifts of this great fellowship. And I have great time in this fellowship and I enjoy it all the way. And the feeling I had, a guy told me a story about a drunk in Brooklyn who had a number of years in the program. And he was sick with a civilian illness of some kind. He was old, he was 80 years old or something. And he started to get hallucinations. And he said, the angel Gabriel came down to see him. He says, you've been a very good AA member. You founded two groups, you've been in service, you did everything. Is there anything you want to know because you don't have too much longer on this earth? And he said to him, I'd like to know something very important to me. He says, do they have AA in the great beyond? He says, I'll find out for you. And the following night, he reappeared to him and he says, I got good news and I got bad news. He says, there's a great AA meeting up there and Dr. Bob is at it and Bill and the early members and all of those, some who only had a short time and some had a long time and they're all up there. And he says, they have regular meetings all the time. You'll have a wonderful time. It's wonderful, AA all the time. And it's a great place to be. And he says, I have bad news. You're the speaker next Thursday.
Thank you, Tom. Now our next speaker is from Oklahoma, Dean R. You'll excuse me a minute. I don't know about the rest of you, but this is probably been one of the most moving experiences I've had and feelings since I've been in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. To see these people here this morning, sharing with us their feelings. I'm singularly moved beyond my ability to even talk about it. And I know that what I may say here this morning will
[00:50:05]
have little impact and certainly be anti-climatic. But I do appreciate this opportunity to be at this great conference, 50 years of AA. And I look around this room this morning and I see hundreds of faces, the people I've never seen before in my life. And I know that each one of you has a story of your own, not unlike those of Tom and Betty. And I know that somewhere, somehow, something has moved you in your life to have made this momentous decision that you too wanted so brightly. And I thank be to God today that on the 28th of January of 1978, that I had a moment of truth when I cried out for help. And the God that I did not know, and had cursed, defamed, answered my cry of woe in the wilderness. And I found the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And for that I'll be eternally grateful. That's not much time in this program. But I know each one of those days that I have had have been precious. They've been dear. And they've been a lifetime each 24 hours. By God's grace, your love, and the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not had the necessity to have written another day of how bad it was since the 28th of January 1978. My name is Dean Reinhart and I am an alcoholic. This is the highlight of my life today. And it's the highlight of my program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll remember this always.
It wasn't just a happenstance that I got here. Like most of us, we have our problems. Whether we recognize them or not, a lot of other people do. And it was a long time coming for me. I guess we all have that moment of defiance, you know, that we're going to hold off everything and everybody that good sense and common judgment among men would recognize we should be doing something different with our life, but I couldn't. And I might tell you that the Dean in my name is not one of academic acclaim. It's not born by some superior position of education I may have attained because I have not. It was my birthday name that my parents gave me.
And I can tell you in reflection that I did not always say what I've said today about that word Dean. I used it on a few occasions to try to help my position in one place or another. But it didn't take long for people to find me out, you know, because alcoholics, although we're pretty good cons at times, sometimes maybe excellent, but they always find us out. They always find us out. We have to get finally to the point in time in life when, you know, if we're drinking enough to finally qualify for this program that they can smell us, even if they can't determine what's going on about us. I had a lot of feelings as a practicing alcoholic. You know, a lot of people say, well, an alcoholic has no feelings.
I had a great number of feelings, a lot of feelings. And before I arrived at the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, I identified with a lot of what I call country western songs. Some of you from other parts of the country may not understand that, but I am from the El Reno group of Alcoholics Anonymous, El Reno, Oklahoma. And we're out there in what's called the Big Far Southwest where cowboys are strong and stand tall with big hats and we cover the ground we walk on. And it's a good thing we got cowboy boots.
Some of you caught on, some of the rest of you may not. But those boots are handy for two things.
[00:55:00]
First, they do protect your foot from other things. And then secondly, there's always room in the neck of a cowboy boot for a pint of booze. And if you haven't tried it, don't, but ask somebody who has and they'll tell you it works. But I identified with a lot of these country songs and one of them, which might be familiar to some of you, which seemed to be the one that I could just always tune in on, you know, I could hone in on this one when everything else failed, this make the world go away. Take it off my shoulders. If you don't think that's feelings, you ought to have been there at the time I was crying and carrying on with that song.
Man, it was bad out there. And it took an awful lot of booze to make it feel better, I thought. But it never seemed to get any better. I would do what most of us do in those instances. I would finally forget who I was and where I was and what had happened and somebody tell me about it the next day. So, you know, you identify with all those things. Another one of these old, what I call goldie oldie songs that kind of got to me was one that was sung by our friend Hank Williams, Got a Feeling Called the Blues. You ever heard that? That was always good for, you know, just a short drunk. You could always figure out a way, you know, if nothing else worked, you'd say, oh, well, everything's bad, you know. And he could hum that about two or three times and boy, here you go. So that one always worked. And then when everything else failed and I knew that there was no excuses or alibis anymore, the one that was a certainty to give me a right to drink for the day is that I am so lonesome I could die. And that's the story for an alcoholic, because we as a group of people, I guess, identify more with that aloneness than any other known group of people on the face of this earth. The old story about an alcoholic being, you know, alone in a crowd, I think that's absolutely true. We could be sitting with a thousand people and be alone. But, you know, last night where there was 30 or 40 thousand people there and there wasn't anybody. Everybody was there and everybody felt what Tom was talking about and Betty was talking about. We were all part of that spirit. We were there because we wanted to be there and we were there because we wanted to share and feel. I know that some of you last night may have been sitting in some of the areas of the stadium that I may have been sitting in. I don't know, but we had an awful time here in our section. I think there was a reverberation or something. I was talking to who's the man to go about it. He was sitting in the same place I was.
He couldn't hear either. And I thought maybe it was just me. I'd had one of those alcoholic relapses or something. But it was true. There was a number of them that couldn't hear. But I know, I know this is a positive program and that's what we believe in is a positive program. And I'd just almost guarantee you, five years hence, that this committee that you're on today will make sure that the PA system is such that it will work and everybody will hear the program. And that's a positive outlook. And you know, if I know this guy from what little time I've been with him this morning and visiting and what he told me about not being able to hear and leaving a little early last night, I'll bet you it happens too. I'll bet you they find out up at that next service meeting that they need to do something with the PA system on the next international conference.
Feelings now that I have them. Gosh, you know, it's just such a myriad of feelings that we have since we come into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The ability to live, to love, and to laugh again. You know, those are strange words to practice an alcoholic. We didn't know how to live. We certainly knew not know how to laugh. And we couldn't love because we were unlovable. We didn't love ourself and no one else loved us and we believed that to be a fact. And most of the time it was. I know today that because of this program of Alcoholics Anonymous and these 12 steps and the people that have gone on before us that are here in this assembly today, such as my cohorts here on the podium, that we too have this opportunity to learn how to love and to laugh again. This is Learn how to love and to laugh again. This is a positive program. It's one that shows us that there is truly a joy in living. And I really, for me, feel that my life has just
[01:00:00]
now begun. I appreciate Betty talking about the two new lives. She's had a chance. We have a fellow in our group in El Reno who had a difficult time finding the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yo-Yo'd, is the way he called it, in and out for about five years. But when he finally came around to that moment of truth, he decided that he wanted to change his life. And he expressed it in this fashion, that he's made up that 180 degree turn, and that things are different today in his life. And they are. He's a new man. And I identify with that a lot, that there is a 180 degree turn in all of our lives, that we become new people. We're reborn. I don't take that from the Southern Baptists or anybody else. I think that's a fact. We become reborn in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, because we are able to find a new person, a new me. I'm glad that we did find a new me, if I want to tell the truth about it. I don't know if my wife is, too. She was a little hard-headed about this program. It took her a little longer to find out that it might be good for her. And she followed me into this program of Alcoholics Anonymous 24 hours after I got here. So, she's here today, and we've had a beautiful weekend. Ruby, I want you to stand so people can see that I've really got a wife. Thank you.
Now, some of you may identify with this part about feelings, where you have more than one alcoholic in the family. How many double winners do we have in here today? Got any double winners? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Some of you understand. Well, those of you who have not experienced having an alcoholic spouse in your home, you haven't lived. Maybe you've died, but you haven't lived. It's a new game. And there is a lot of new feelings out there. For those of you who have not experienced it, I really encourage you not to try to go find out. It's not the kind of lesson that you want to learn. But it is a difficult time for people. And those marriages that survive that sort of a double alcohol personalities in a family, those marriages that survive that are, I think, even doubly blessed. Because the odds against that happening, that my wife and I are here today, married and happy, two grown children, living together at home, working in this program, the odds against that are just beyond belief.
But by cause of a loving God in our home and love of wife and husband of wife and wife of husband, we've been able to survive these days. And not only survive them, we've been able to enjoy them. And really, we have enjoyed our marriage more this past seven years than its entire preceding years because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. We have positive feelings today. And I know that those positive feelings are the kind that I hope in some way or some manner go forth to other people in our group and where we have an opportunity to touch. You know, I wouldn't be worth the salt that it takes to blow me away if I didn't express my gratitude on a daily basis for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I must give away this great gift in order for me to keep it. This truly is a gift of life. And if I don't share that gift on a daily basis, not only will I die from a lack of the contact with another person, but I might in some way deny another person the same opportunity that was given to me that night some seven years ago. So I must follow this program on a daily basis. I must give on a daily basis. And if I do these things, you know, I find that I can stay sober. That I did not have to take a drink of alcohol today. And that wasn't true just a few years ago. I had to drink. I had no choice. And you know, I could not accept that for a long time, that that was where I was. Those feelings of defiance, those feelings of hatred, those feelings of resentment and anger, those feelings of fear, all of those myriad feelings that we have as a practicing alcoholic that interfered and separated us from sobriety were there. And I know this, that that's probably the greatest problem that I had as an alcoholic trying to find this proof. And the greatest
[01:05:05]
barrier for me was that of pride. False pride. And that pride separated me from this program for a good many years. A good many years. And I've had the opportunity to witness since I've been in this program that feeling of false pride separate men and women from the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I have yet to see that feeling of false pride separate one of them from the grave. It's been my duty as a member of this program over the few years that I've been in it to have assisted in funerals for several of our members, men and women, who did not find this gift of sobriety, although they made a diligent effort to find it. And when I think back on those occasions and those times and the feelings that I had on those occasions, I wonder why God in His wisdom and mercy put His hand on me. And I wonder why. But I don't have to wonder why when I have the opportunity and I think it's been answered for me today by being on this podium here with Betty and Tom, who have lengthy sobriety in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I saw Betty's girls down here on the front row and I know she probably sponsors a good number of them. And I see the love on their faces as she was talking. And I know that lives have been touched, lives renewed, families and friends united, and once again people having the opportunity to live a decent life.
All because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. All because God decided to give us the opportunity one day when a phone rang at the residence of a lady by the name of Henrietta Seibring, that she would answer the call and say, yes, yes, come over. I think I have somebody that fits the bill. You know, God moves in mysterious ways. Just to reflect and recall the moments in time and history of Alcoholics Anonymous when such a precarious beginning how this fellowship has grown. And it's grown because of one thing, the love, the love of one human being for another. Nonjudgmental love and understanding is a hallmark of Alcoholics Anonymous. And those people who are not members of this fellowship and have some glimmer of its workings recognize that this truly is the hallmark of Alcoholics Anonymous. And rightly it should be. For our code, as we know from the big book, tells us that love and tolerance of others will be our code. We know that this opportunity that we have to share is one that no one else in the world can do but us. I don't know whose life I can touch today, whether I touch anyone. And you don't either. But I know this, that if I try, someone will not be denied at least the opportunity to find the way of sobriety and a better way of life. I feel that as a former practicing alcoholic and now a member of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that I have been truly privileged and gifted to be here today at this great anniversary celebration. I don't know what others may take home from this meeting today or from this whole time of celebration here at this conference. But I know I will take home a feeling of warmth, of love, of gratitude that will go with me each day of my life. The feelings that I have today are so near to my heart and my soul that I can tell my creator that I feel a closeness that I have never felt before. I know that it is
[01:10:04]
only because you people are here today and the love that you have radiated throughout this room that that can be true. There was a verse in a song that a country western singer had a few years ago sang right after I came in the program. That was a moving experience to me when I heard it because I used to like to listen to, as you related a moment ago to you, the country western songs. This one really moved me. I paraphrased it just a little bit today for you because it really tells a story for me in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and my feelings for you and for this program. What a difference AA has made in my life. It has given me the sunshine the day and the night. What a difference AA has made in my heart. It has replaced the broken parts. Love to me was just a word and a song that had been way overused but now that you have shown me the way of a beautiful life I want to share the news. What a change AA has made in my life. Thanks be to God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The future and my feelings are now not what they used to be. God bless you all. Thank you. I would like to thank Betty, Tom and Dan for a wonderful message this morning. How about you? All three of you. I would like to thank Betty, Tom and Dan for a wonderful message this morning. How about you? All three of you. I would like to thank Betty, Tom and Dan for a wonderful message this morning. How about you? All three of you. I would like to thank Betty, Tom and Dan for a wonderful message this morning.
How about you? All three of you. I would like to thank Betty, Tom and Dan for a wonderful message this morning. How about you? All three of you. I would like to thank Betty, Tom and Dan for a wonderful message this morning. How about you? All three of you. I would like