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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Unknown Speaker – BIG BOOK MARATHON – RS 06329.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-unknown-speaker-big-book-marathon-rs-06329.mp3 Duration: 01:25:41
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My name is Joe, and I'm definitely an alcoholic, with God's grace, and because this program works, I haven't had the necessary to take a drink today. For this, I'm extremely grateful. We'll open this meeting with a silent moment of meditation, followed by a serenity prayer, if you would like to join me. God, grant serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom of difference.
There may be some here who are not familiar with our traditions, our personal anonymity at public level. Our public relation policy is based upon attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TVs, and films. Thus, with respect, I ask that no A.A. member speak, or indeed any A.A. member be identified by a full name or photograph or published or broadcast reports of our meeting.
The assurance of anonymity is essential to our efforts to help other problem drinkers who may wish to share our recovery program with us. In our traditions, our anonymity reminds us that A.A. principles come before personalities. It's good to see everybody back for another Big Book marathon session. I was rushing to get back, and we were kind of in a dilemma, as we all are. I told them I'd have to share this with the group when I got back. We didn't know where we were going on the way out, and we got someone in the office to ride, and they got lost.
And we were riding along in two or three big limousines in all the traffic of people, and two or three huge limousines come into the traffic, and it was really a mess. And the guy said, Boy, how did I get into this? He said, Amongst 50,000 alcoholics, and we looked in the car, and he was true. And this could happen to nobody but me. Amongst 50,000 alcoholics, we got in the middle of a Chinese wedding.
Now, that happened just while ago. We were looking forward to another session of the Big Book, and I don't know, I think quite a few of us were around here in the same position. I came down, and I picked a lot of things on the program, and I know I wanted to be here, but it's been really two days here, and it's been fantastic in the Big Book Study Marathon. Today, I am acting as moderator for a good friend of mine, a man that I met down through the years and has been involved with a lot of us across the country.
We feel like we're just students of the Big Book all learning together, studying the Big Book, learning more and more about this fantastic value. It has been a thrilling experience for me to meet so many people and to be with so many people from one end of the country to the other who are going back to the Big Book, back to our heritage. Today, Lloyd is going to conduct a seminar on the Big Book, and after this we will have some questions and answers.
We have spent many hours together and a lot of time together and a lot of fun together over the Big Book. I guess the thrill of my life is my experience with Charlie in the Big Book Studies and all the things we have been able to do as we have started to study the Big Book just as two people together. We talk about this. We never thought it would ever come to a point where other people would be interested in the Big Book Study and the Big Book tapes.
Ed Charlie introduced me yesterday and earlier and I know that a lot of people are familiar with the Big Book Study and the Big Book tapes and all of those tapes. You hear Charlie referring to the first guy that we got involved with the Big Book Study, I guess it had been 12 years ago, that would listen to us and we would do this thing in little hotel rooms. He talks about the trip we took with a guy named Tony from Tulsa who was really the first person to get involved.
A lot of people hear about Tony on the tapes but they haven't met him or saw him. Here is Tony over here. Stand up Tony. Lloyd, as I said, is a great student of the book and he has done a lot of great work with people within his group and in his community and getting people back into the Big Book.
[00:05:06]
I'm not going to take any more of your brother's time. I'm going to give you Lloyd B. from Houston, Texas. Thank you Joe. I want to thank each of you. I also want to thank those who are responsible for offering me this opportunity. I got quite a few people out there that know me and they sometimes don't know which way I'm going because I don't know which way I'm going. I just follow the spirit and it comes spontaneously.
Sometimes I take off and I go back to some of my heritage and some of the things that's got me here. One of those things was something that goes something like this. Man, I had a swell of a good time last night. Heel this big knot on my head. You know what? I put a mini nickel and dime and quarter and a big troll on that. You call them jukeboxes and whatever they are. But see, I had not found you then and I had not found the person in AA that told me sit down, shut up, learn to listen and listen to learn.
Just because I was listening at that and I was in tune with the vibration, I was in tune with the melody, I was in tune with the rhythm, the rhyme and all, but I wasn't hearing a word that he was saying. See, he was describing for me at that particular time my disease, but I knew nothing of it. I knew nothing about a blackout. You know, I'm grateful for my recovery and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm also grateful for the many, many opportunities that I had in sharing my experience, strength and hope.
And along comes a friend of mine in Dallas and he runs up to me and he says, Lord, you just got to meet Joe McQueen. Somehow I got to bring you two people together. And then, lo and behold, I get something across my desk and it's a brochure on alcoholism, disease or disgrace. And I picked up the phone and I called Joe to get that thing and later met Joe and had an opportunity to meet him, as he said, and we've shared.
And it was Joe and Charlie and their tapes on the Big Book that started me to an intense study of the Big Book. Because I came in at a time they told me to go to meetings and don't drink, don't drink, go to meetings, keep the book between you and keep the telephone between you and the first drink. And the very time you don't want to go to a meeting, you go to a meeting. And I'm glad they didn't tell me about 90 meetings in 90 days because I would have told them I can't do that and proved it to them.
They put a lot of emphasis on not going to meetings. Some emphasis on the Big Book and told me definitely to stay out of the stories and everything else but read from the preface to page 164. But it was really when I listened to the tapes of Joe and Charlie that I really began to generate a tremendous interest in the Big Book and to go back. You see, at that time I had not even discovered in the preface that it was a textbook for our society and that this book was written in a sequence of ideas that once studied, the thought forms would manifest themselves or demonstrate themselves in our action.
I am familiar now with the… Well, we could say up until the Washingtonians, I believe if we go back in history, nothing was done for the alcoholic.
[00:10:00]
But then they got into things other than dealing with alcoholics. And the Oxford group could be the movement that we got a lot of support out of. And then when I go to my Alcoholics Anonymous comes of age, I find then and there that the groups met continuously with the Oxford group for a period of time. And my memory served me right. I think it was in New York where Bill and that group began to pull away from the Oxford group and do their own meeting.
I think about the paradoxes. And I think we are a society of paradoxes. Because when I think of Bill going to Dr. Bob, who was an M.D., and Bill as a bankrupt stockbroker, and Bill talking to Dr. Bob about this process of recovery, that as he write about it, he says that it is precise, that it's exact, and that it's clear-cut. And I see in my own mind's eye Bill sharing with Dr. Bob the problem. We are tremendously aware that the Oxford group, the Washingtonians, and others had the solution and a plan of action.
But we are now tremendously aware that Dr. Silkworth had given to Bill the process for problem solving. The three steps. To be able to name the problem, to make a problem statement, to understand the problem. And Bill says that when Dr. Silkworth told him about our disease, that it was a physical allergy that manifested itself in a craving that expressed itself in loss of control. And he said that made sense to him as a layman because he was aware and felt that it was not all mental.
But then Dr. Silkworth also gave clarity on the mental obsession. Why we keep going back, why we keep going back, why we keep going back. That mental obsession to use. That when we had gone fist clench, teeth grit, very determined to do something about our drinking. And we stopped for periods of time. And I labored with that for a long time because I thought the key was in the ability to stop drinking.
And I'm sure that many of us thought that the key was in the ability to stop drinking. But as I look at my drinking experience and identify and relate to Bill as he shared his drinking experience with me in chapter one in Bill's story. Then I identify and I relate to Bill's experience. And then I become aware that the key to sobriety, the key to recovery is not in the ability to stop drinking. But that the key to sobriety and the key to not drinking is how not to take the first drink.
How not to take the first drink. I'm also very familiar with Bill when he grasped this idea that Dr. Silkworth had shared with him. And he knew what the problem was. And he says… Problem Was, and he says, aha, that's it, self-knowledge, and he sat down and talked
[00:15:04]
with Lewis about this, and lo and behold, we find that Bill drank again. We find that Ebby, a friend of Bill's, had received from Roland H., who had gone to Switzerland and was in treatment with Dr. Young, that he came back and he had the solution, and he had the plan of action that had been given to him by Dr. Young. He also was aware that he could apply those principles, but he also drank again. And he carried this message to Ebby, and Ebby received this message and in turn carried it to Bill.
Bill, after having relapsed, went back to Towne's Hospital and heard Dr. Silkworth, as he was talking to Bill's wife, Lewis, and pronounced him, I told her that he should be either locked up, because it was hopeless that he'd recover, and as we know, this is when Bill totally surrendered and cried out, if there be a God, show yourself, I'm willing to do anything. And Bill had his experience. And we're tremendously aware of Bill and his continued, after a period of time, he became aware that if he could talk and share this message with other alcoholics, that there were many that would probably recover as he did.
And it is said that he went back to Towne's Hospital and asked permission to talk with some of the alcoholics there, and it says with some reservation he was given that opportunity. And for about a period of maybe six or seven months, he had worked diligently with drunks and alcoholics, taking them into his home and whatnot, but had not had any success. And upon the opportunity to go to Akron on a business trip, it was here that Bill had an experience that caused the feelings that Dr. Silkworth talked about and said that it is the cause of our drinking, becoming restless, irritable, and discontent.
And certainly when Bill experienced the business failure in Akron, and he was restless, irritable, and discontent, walking from the meeting room down the hall, hearing the soft music and the tinkling of glasses and soft lights and the voices within, and he was assured that there would be fellowship and understanding in there. The paradox was that he looked past the bar and saw a church directory, went to the church directory, dialed a number, was given some numbers, and he had called all of the numbers that had been given him, and the last number that he called, demonstrating persistence, the last number that he called was the one that responded, and this person was the one in reference to Dr. Bob and Ann.
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And at the time that Henrietta made the call to Ann, Bob was drinking, having sent, as we know, this being Mother's Day, having come home with the flowers for her and passed out, not able to go with her then, but the appointment was kept the next day. And Dr. Bob going to give Bill 15 minutes of his time, and this lasted because Bill shared with him his personal experience, that the phenomenon of what happened and the doctor's opinion was experienced by Dr. Bob, and that was that Dr. Silkworth had shared with Bill the problem that Bill talked to him about.
The allergy that manifested itself in a craving for more liquor than we could control, and the obsession of the mind, why we keep going back, why we keep going back, why we keep going back, though an M.D. and a surgeon, he was convinced by this bankrupt stockbroker of his disease, and out of that was the beginning of what we celebrate today. Fifty years ago, on the 10th of June, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous come out of that beginning with Bill and Bob, and Bill D., and the constant growth of the group in Akron, and after a period of time when Bill went back to New York, a second group was started in New York.
We look at this process and we see the beginning of this tremendous fellowship, because the group continued to grow in New York, and the next group, because of the interest of the people in Cleveland that heard about these drunks that weren't drinking, went to Akron to find out about this, and a group was started in Cleveland. So when we look at, and I'm coming from the model that Joe and Charlie developed, I think about some things as I'm talking about this, and I think about and look back on the things that gave us this fellowship as it come through the consciousness of these men, and I think about myself and I think about others as it relate to feelings, thoughts and feelings, and if I might digress just a moment here and put that into a frame that has meaning for me as a messenger, and I think back over history, and I think about the many messengers that came with the message, and that we human beings had killed the messenger, and I relate that to my personal experience with alcohol, because if I think of my thoughts and feelings as being messengers, then I discovered a way that I could get away from the message by killing the messenger, and I killed that messenger through the use of alcoholic beverage that sedated down my brain and my central
[00:25:00]
nervous system so that I didn't receive the report from the messenger, and it was necessary for me to continue in the process of alcoholism until that process brought me to the point of surrender, and there was provided for me a way of escape. For the fellowship at that particular time, according to my sobriety date, I'm about half the age with a few months and a few days of Alcoholics Anonymous. Having found the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous August 1958, sobriety date April the 21st 1960. Having shared my experience, strength, and hope, and even worked in the field, and a time for another messenger to come, and those messengers were Joe and Charlie, who gave us the big book study in a way that helped us to begin to become aware of the questions, and I'd live with answers all my life, the questions that's page by page in the big book, and these big book studies have sprung up as the AA groups have sprung up. So I see the messenger coming with a message in a time and in a manner in which other institutions had been split asunder, and I see this message coming timely, and these big book studies are coming into being and growing.
Step one, we find the conviction of, in chapter, in the doctor's opinion, in chapter one, Bill's story. The doctor's opinion gives us the problem. Bill's story gives us the unique thing that we have in this fellowship, and this is the meaning that it has for me, the identity, being able to identify and relate to Bill as a person who had experienced the progression of the disease of alcoholism to the point of loss of control, and having lost all, I can identify with him giving me the first step to the alcoholic standard, that I was powerless, and that my life was unmanageable.
Once having found the problem, being able to see the problem clearly, it was obvious that a solution could be found. That a solution would come into being. In chapter two, there is a solution, and on page 45 of the big book, it tells me that powerlessness was our dilemma. It was obvious that we needed a power greater than ourself, and chapter two, there is a solution, and it says to us that the solution is the fellowship The Fellowship and the principles that are given to us, and the Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism, and More About Alcoholism reinforces and helps us to become aware of that mental twist,
[00:30:21]
the mental obsession, and they do this with about seven personal stories, that we might go back to, and that we might experience what this book will help us to do as it relates to the first and second step. Many times I hear people talk about taking the first step, working the first step, taking the second step, and working the second step, but when I go to the book, I find nowhere where we work the first step, or we take the first step.
But something happens because of the study of that material, and you sharing with me from your gut your personal life experience, strength, and hope, that I am convinced of those two conditions. Because of the allergy I can't drink, and because of the loss of the mental control and the mental power, I am powerless over my life. The fourth chapter, the Chapter 2, The Agnostic, helps me to experience the conviction that there is a power greater than ourselves that restores to sanity.
I believe Chapters 2, 3, and 4 to be the chapters that will convince us of the second step. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable, and the second step came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Then when I go to Chapter 5, and I study Chapter 5, and I find the ABCs there, I would like to go back to a picture. We talk about spiritual experiences and whatnot, but I'd like to go back to a picture that has tremendous meaning for me, and it's on page 27 of the big book, and I'm going to dare to do this.
Because I want to share with you a picture that had hope for me, and this picture had hope for me not because I was able to discern that picture and be able to explain that picture and take it and run with it, but because the people that I was involved with at the time helped me to see this picture. Some of our alcoholic readers may think they can do without spiritual help. Let us tell you the rest of the conversation our friend had with his doctor.
The doctor said, you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I've never seen one single case recover where that state of mind existed to the extent that it does in you. Our friend felt as though the gates of hell had closed on him with a clang. Do I identify and relate to that feeling? I know that feeling. He said to the doctor, is there no exception? Yes, replied the doctor, there is exception to cases such as yours that have been occurring since early times.
Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me, these occurrences are phenomenal. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangement. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast aside and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.
That to me is a picture, and there is a solution of a spiritual experience or a change beginning in personality or consciousness that will result in our recovery.
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Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side. A. That we are alcoholic and could not manage our own life. B. That possibly no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. C. That God could and would if he was sought. Being convinced, we are at step three, which is that we decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Just what do we mean by that and just what do we do? Sponsors, those that are in the fellowship that have more sobriety than I, and I talk about the fellowship because it was a while before I went to the big book to begin the study of the big book and the sequence that this book is written. There is a word in that third step that has tremendous meaning for me. It is to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.
I'm talking about what the big book did for me here, because I had been conditioned by religious training and church to the point that it was demanded of me to learn scripture, book, chapter, and verse, and to quote it like I had learned to memorize everything else. Then I learned to memorize and quote. But no one had ever helped me to look at and identify and relate to personal life experience, to make the association of the personal life experience and the changes.
I used to almost creen when people talked about they were angry at God and that they cursed God. I've been conditioned to fear so tremendously in that area until I almost creened when that happened. When I found a group of people that was talking to me openly about their experiences to the point of being convinced that there was a power greater than myself that could restore us to sanity and that there was a power that cared, how could I identify and relate to that power that cared so tremendously for me?
I'm looking at it. I'm looking at it. I'm experiencing it here today. I'm experiencing that power that worked through the embraces that I received from the people that I have never met before in my life, and we lead on a common bond of suffering, pain, the very pain that got me here. And we share that pain and we go to this book and we study the principles that have been given to us through the consciousness of this more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
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And it's made very clear to me and very precise to me what we have recovered from, a state of mind and body, consciousness. A thread that runs through this book, that state of consciousness. And because I was experiencing that care from people who normally would not mix. If I read page 17, there's a solution, and I read there that we are men and women, and if I look out at you and I take a reading here, men and women who normally would not mix.
It don't say should or could. It says precisely men and women who normally would not mix. And here I'm experiencing from these people the caring and the sharing. Because they demonstrated to me, I say this very boldly and direct, when that white boy gave me his card and his home number and his office number and told me, you call this before you take a drink and I'll go to hell to help you not drink.
If you take a drink, you go to hell by yourself. And I did not believe him. I want you to hear that because I'm going to share with you some things that freed me, and the paradox of it was that that conditioning indirectly had me enslaved. So I did him like a kid to his parents. I tested him. I tested him because I didn't believe that white boy. I called him and did what he could have done to help me not take a drink.
The beginning of an element from this program that I had lost and that I needed. I knew a lot about faith and talking about it. But the element that was so necessary for me then, come right from this book, and was trust. And that trust was in another human being. The touch of another person. Because I had the conviction from that person that he would have gotten up out of his bed, left his home and his family, and come out there to do whatever he could have done.
So the belief plus trust. So I followed the sequence of this book as it is written, as it was given to me, and I stopped killing the messenger. And these ideas began to come alive. And because you share with me and continue to encourage me to do that written fourth step. And you take the fear out of doing that written fourth step by helping me to know what kind of inventory I am going to take. And the people that I had at that time were skilled enough to help me to begin to get in touch with the feelings that caused the behavior.
And if I look at the example in the big book, I began to get in touch with those feelings. But you helped to dissolve the fear for me by sharing with me your experience, your strength and your hope. I began to believe you because I am seeing these changes happen right in my eye. I'm feeling these changes. I'm feeling these changes in my involvement with you.
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And because that trust has been developed, there is not a barrier, you have removed that barrier of me, of it being a barrier to me for sharing my secrets with another person. I can do that now because it has been demonstrated to me. And then I have the tremendous advantage of your experience as you share your experience with me, and above all to guide me and help me through the writing of that fourth step.
And we take a look at what's happened here. I believe we will see that there has been some growth in the spiritual experience. I believe we will be able to get in touch with some changes that have taken place within our life that's moving us toward the road of recovery and on the path of recovery. And I also believe that if I have done my work thoroughly, then I am ready because I have the information, I have the defects of characters, I have the shortcomings, and I can offer those up now.
And I do not believe, though it's stated there, being entirely ready. I don't think that I was entirely ready, but I think we can make that beginning by offering up that that we are ready and willing to give up. I also believe that whatever we want to name that power, whether it's the wisdom and the care and the understanding that it has, would not strip me from everything that I have been using up until now all at once and leave me completely naked or dysfunctional.
I believe these things will be taken away from me gently as I become aware of them and offer them up. I firmly believe that when I have done this, that prepares me for one of the most important things, one of the most important experiences, one of the most meaningful experiences to the human being is relationships. And I firmly am convinced that 8 and 9 prepares me for that. Tells me precisely how to do that.
Tremendous emphasis placed on being willing. And I make restitution to those that… And here again, I'm instructed to get someone who have experienced these steps that they will guide me through this and help me to be able to discern those who I'm able to go to and make personal restitutions to and those whom I might injure by going making personal restitutions to. And I have that in clarity. Following the precise sequence that these ideas are written in, step 10 then gives me a daily program.
I know that we say from step 4 through 9, but there are many times during the day for me that I have to use that first step because there are other things in my life that come up daily that I'm powerless over. And sometimes I want to take charge of that so I have to go back to that first step and admit my powerlessness. And that that's an area of my life that I'm not able to manage other people, places, things, circumstances and events.
Step 11 has tremendous meaning for me because it turned my whole prayer life around. I'm seeking, I'm searching, I'm looking for something through prayer and meditation, being still,
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and I had known that from the scripture, and please believe me I'm not talking about institutions here, I'm talking about the scriptures just like I'm talking about the scriptures of the big book. And I'm talking about identifying and relating to personal or spiritual experience. I had known from a child up, be still and know that I am God. Here you taught me to be still and to know, to observe, to listen to, to feel, and to not kill the messenger with alcohol but give that messenger an opportunity to deliver the message.
And the message can come to me through my feelings or through ideas that surface or through others. And the many, many, many different channels that I had of receiving that message sought through prayer and meditation to improve showing me, concluding that in this process, in use of these steps up to this point in time there has been a conscious awareness, a conscious contact with a power greater than ourself.
And we are improving that now. The expanded way of life, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. And Bill talks about having experienced ego deflation in depth in A.A. Comes of Age. Following the sequence in which this book is written, I believe that 12th step does something for us. I was unemployable, unserviceable, but that step restores me to usefulness and usefulness with others.
But there are some things that must happen there. It says having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. And as I'm thinking, and I'm rethinking some of this, and I think about Bill's experience and how that when Bill knew the problem, and he knew the solution, and he knew the plan of action, he was able to transmit that to Dr. Bob, and from that, think of what it's like today.
I don't know how many have registered here, of alcoholics and Al-Anons, and the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon, and I don't know the number of Al-Ateens here. But I do know that sitting high up in that stadium last night, I saw a mass of people that I couldn't number, that is demonstrating to me their gratitude, their gratitude for that that has been given to us in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous.
There were some other things that were given to us by Bill in that more than 100 in the fellowship that I think that have been the cement to our fellowship, and that is the traditions. The traditions. And I like to go to the second tradition because it has tremendous meaning for me. I hope that it will have tremendous meaning for you, leaving it in its context, and drawing out of that the power that the second tradition have for me.
We notice that this book was written in the plural, we admit it, and it's our common welfare, and it's dependent upon our unity. And the second tradition says to me, and I use this in support with the 11th step too, for our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority. Emphasis on the ultimate authority. A loving God, as we understand, nope, I would delete the power of that powerful statement.
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A loving God as he may express himself in our group consciousness. The tremendous awareness for me there was that this that I had been looking for out there, they placed the place, they named the place, and told me where this power is active, expressive, expressing itself, demonstrating itself. Consciousness. Consciousness. To improve our spiritual contact. Contact, touching, merging, one. Unity. And certainly that's what we experience in this fellowship.
That was given to us through the consciousness of this more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Does that mean that I have recovered from the physical aspect that when I ingest alcohol it triggers for me a craving that is more powerful than myself. I am convinced that my immune system, that my total self, the organism, cannot break down ethyl alcohol or chemicals related to that to the point of energy and the rest going out through waste.
I believe that my organism will only break down ethyl alcohol to that point that it triggers a craving that manifests itself in loss of control. And I firmly believe that the loss of control is one of the most painful experiences. But man, there. Mommy! I would like to, at this time, we have about 30 minutes, to entertain questions or responses by those of you that might want to share. We have two mics in the middle of the hall there.
And if you go to those mics, then we will continue. Hi everyone, I'm Ed Sprayer, a recovered alcoholic in St. Petersburg, Florida. I just want to say that I'm real grateful for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the program that's turned my life around 180 degrees. I was just sharing with one of my good friends in St. Petersburg. Most of the time I'm trying to be in a big book meeting, especially the seminars, but I had a friend from another area of the country was sharing in another meeting and got there, the place was crowded, we couldn't get in.
And so naturally I had to come here. So I thank God directed me down here because today I've been fed some food, I've been given some truth. You know we talk in Alcoholics Anonymous that if we get into this book and get with these big book thumpers that we shall know the truth and the truth is what's going to set us free. I'd like to share something with you that we shared here today, this morning, about the importance of people studying the big book together.
This is not from an egotistical standpoint, but three years ago, this past June, we started a big book study meeting with three of us. We kept a low profile, we didn't announce it because we were concerned that it might become some opinion forum and our purpose was to try to study and see what the big book had to offer us. Today, through God's grace and people like Charlie and Joe, Wesley and Franklin Williams and others that believe, practice the principles of this book, we have 50 and 60 every Wednesday and Friday night.
We do not smoke in the meeting and we do not have coffee breaks and it runs from an hour to an hour and a half. We very seldom ever lose a person, you know, going outside to smoke. If they get outside they can't come back in. If we get outside, they can't come back in, so we take care of that, but we do study the Big Book. In 1973, I was in Panama City, Florida, at the Gulf Coast Roundup.
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I'd met Wesley Parrish before, I'd heard him, but for some reason, that entire weekend, he followed me around with that Big Book and crammed it down my throat. And I did go back home, and I began to make a conscious effort to really get involved and learn something in this book. And, you know, over the period of years, you know, I was studying along the method that Charlie and Joe have come out with, you know.
But then later, Franklin gave me a set of their tapes, and we started playing them, and, you know, it just built up a big interest. You know, today, we have these seminars springing up all over the world, you know, to be exact, in Australia and Florida. That's a country within itself. But we're real grateful for the response that we had last February. We had our first seminar, and I'm glad that Pinky and him are coming along with theirs.
And if you have not attended one of these seminars, let me suggest, let me do what the book says, let me beg of you to attend one. I've never heard one person ever express anything but good tidings from these Big Book seminars. If you're sick at heart, and if your program is not doing what it should for you, well, go to a Big Book seminar. Thank you. Thank you. I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. My name's James.
Hi, James. I have to say this because it means a lot to me because this is what it is. I'm 21 years old today. Yay! And I'll be three years on the first of September, you know. I came in when I was 18. I'll be 21 now. And it's like my mom's nine years sober and my dad's seven, you know. And I've been around the program for nine years, you know. But I've seen more members go in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous when I wasn't even around it, you know, than now.
I don't know why that is, but I've seen a lot of things go on. It troubled me. It peggled me when I was just a young boy, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. So I came in when I was 18. And now I know why. It's because they didn't work on the steps, you know. They didn't work on the traditions. They let their principals get in front of their personalities. Or personalities in front of the principals. That's better.
Okay. But I'm from Toronto, you know. It's a great place. Anybody from Toronto here? There we go. Yeah. But we have one big book discussion on Friday afternoon meeting. We got a lot of afternoon meetings. We got about 365 meetings. But there's only one I know that's a big book discussion. And we read a passage out of it every Friday when I'm not working or whatever. And it's really good because nobody can bullshit, you know, what they know in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
They can only take what's in there, what they've listened to at that time. And that's real good because for me, I've done a fourth and a fifth twice now. And because of my age or whatever you want to call it, you know, these older people have to do it as well, you know. I have to do a fourth and a fifth to stay sober because the more I get older, the more sobriety I get. It's not my age. It's the more sobriety I get, the more awareness that I get within myself.
You know, when I was first sober, it was like it was a game because I was 18. And everybody said, oh, you're a good little boy, you know. Just pat me on the head and said, just come on AA and we'll keep you sober, you know. And that happened for about a year. That was OK. But then a year rolled by and I'm still a hyper, swearing, cursing, long-haired punk, you know. Nothing changed, really. But then I did my first fourth and fifth.
And I'm like, geez, a lot of things changed. Then I did another fourth and fifth. And I started growing up. And I wondered why. It's because I finally accepted that I'm mentally, physically, I was sexually screwed up, you know. Like a lot of people don't talk about it, but it's true. I thought I was queer, you know, for the longest time. And that's sharing. But I'm not. It's because I had to talk to somebody.
And you don't talk to a queer about your sexuality, you know. In the program, I'm being honest, you know. I talked to one. He tried to convert me, you know. I'm being honest. And just, it's reality. So I talked to my sponsor about a lot of things. I didn't spread myself out thin anymore. Like this is why they call them sponsors. I have one now. He's about 25 years sober. That's not to say you can't tell me what to do.
It's just to say he's the only person I've found in 25 years that practices the principles and all is fair.
[01:05:00]
He gets pissed off. He gets angry. He's human, you know. He's not my god like my other sponsors were, you know. He reads the 12 steps every day. Like he's the first guy 25 years sober that I ever seen meditate one hour a day every day, you know. It's incredible. His name is Jack R. And I just, I'm really happy to be here because I'm meant to be here, you know. God has said, James, go to Toronto. I mean go to Montreal.
Yeah, right. But, it's just so exciting. Like before I got in front of the mic, I said, God, slow me down so I can say, I guess, what I should say. I don't know. But I had another sponsor. His name was Winston. And he said, white's all right. Black's okay. But red's ahead. And you know what I mean. And he's like, I've had a lot of people and I've talked to a lot of people. And just a lot of things.
And you got to stick with the winners. Because I stuck around with the losers. And they were still doing drugs in the program and everything else. And I just said, oh, fuck, stay away from me, Jack, you know. Because I don't want your crap. And they don't work on the steps. And I have to work on the steps. And I have to talk to people that are 45 years old, 65 years old, you know. I can't talk to somebody that's 18, 20 years old.
It's because people that age have the wisdom that are 45. I don't. I have what I have. And that's not very much. Thank you. Thank you, Dan. Ed. My name's Ed McConnell. I'm an alcoholic from London. Hi, Ed. That is a very lucky boy. I wish the hell that could happen to me. I didn't need them step slides around here for 27 years. I knew everything. But, you know, this is the only meeting I've got outside of last night at the stadium.
I've been in here, this room here, for two days. This is where the meeting is. The whole damn thing. You know, this big book, it's just, it's beautiful. I just sit in here, I want to share something with you. Lloyd said he was at that first big book seminar. Well, so was me and a few of my friends. But when that was over, Lloyd came out in the lobby and he threw his arms around me. Give me a big hug, you know.
And of all the things that went through my head, you know, a big guy said, do this. I didn't know whether to give him a knee or a shot in the chops or what the hell. And him a colored guy, too. I thought, holy hell. But, you know, all of a sudden, all that nonsense went out of my head. And I gave Lloyd a real good big hug and I cried like a little baby. And I learned things that day. And I've learned them ever since about emotions.
Shit, I never even knew I had emotions before. I know what they are today, Lloyd. And I just want to thank a good many people at that big book seminar. Thank you. Thank you. Give me a hug. Hello, my name is Ed and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Ed. I'm very grateful to be here. You know, after I first came in this program in 1970, it took me about seven years to finally know that I could not drink alcohol. In those seven years, I was in and out of many detoxes, hospitals, and trying to do it my way.
You know, the false pride, the ego, which would not allow me to admit that I was an alcoholic. And then I started, you know, when I finally, in desperation, I realized one day, I said, well, you know, what's going on here, Ed? You know, things are just not, you know, I was down for probably the 15th or 20th time. And a complete, you know, bottomless pit of despair. And something in my mind said, well, why don't you try AA again, you know?
And why don't you really try it and give it a shot? So I walked back in. And the first time in my life, I guess it was, I finally had enough humility, a little, you know, a little bit of humility enough to get that amount of surrender that was needed to finally listen. And I did start to listen. And I observed some of these people, you know, and I looked around and I saw some of these people and they seemed to have a little serenity.
They seemed to have a little direction in their life. And I knew that I could have and wanted what they had. And after a few meetings, I asked one of these people to be my sponsor. And I said, what do I do? And I had never asked anyone that before. And he said, Ed, why didn't you get a copy of the big book? He said, have you ever read it? And I said, no. I can remember a few years before a man had suggested that.
And I opened it up and I looked at it and I said, who needs this? And he said, you know, you just help me get the alcohol out of my system and I'll take the rest of it myself. So I did start to look at the big book and I kept going to meetings. And I looked around, you know, this, I knew this after, you know, I knew this was a matter of life and death. I'd lost everything that I had ever possessed three times.
[01:10:04]
So I made a promise to myself that nothing or nobody was going to interfere with the sobriety. You know, this is early on and I'm really desperate and I really want this. And I looked around, you know, and I was observing some of the actions. And I said, Jesus, you know, a lot of people are doing things in here that I used to see in bar rooms. And I asked my sponsor about it. He said, I'll tell you something, Ed.
He said, a lot of people don't like to hear this. He said, but AA is a power of example, most of which is bad. He said, the principles of the program are beautiful and you get them out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. But he said, there are people here in all stages of sobriety and not everybody is in here to work the program. They're in here for a variety of reasons. So he said, you get a copy of the big book.
He said, you read it and you'll find out where the truth is. And this will give you direction that will sustain you while you're, you know, while you're getting, trying to get sober, trying to change your life around. And I heard a man here say here this afternoon that he would listen to people in the meetings talk and then he would go home and check to see if they were, you know, what they were saying was true out of the big book.
And that's what I did. See, I had to do this. I had tried it my way so many times and I had followed so many false directions so many times that I knew, finally knew in my heart that what this man was saying was true. And I knew after I had opened this book and read in it, you know, and it was said again, you know, that we the first 100 alcoholics will tell you precisely how we got sober. And that was the direction that I had been looking for all these years.
So I guess, you know, if I would have to say, if I was going to say anything about the big book, what it did for me, it gave me the direction that I needed to attain the sobriety that I have now and the type of life that I have now. And I am grateful for that. Thank you. Thank you. This is the first group of people that continued to tell me in the shape that I was in, they kept telling me to come back, keep coming back, keep coming back.
There were people who had hugged me to their chest, you know, and said that I was one more likely to succeed out of my class. But they had told me, you go and don't come back. But one of the things that I experienced here that we continue to say, keep coming back. Lloyd, my name is Joy O'Toole. I'm a very grateful and recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm an alcoholic and drug addict. Hi, Joy.
Hi, group. I'm very nervous. You know, I've been here since I got in a couple of days early and really in no physical condition to be at this convention. Came here hurting a lot physically and was able to get to a few meetings yesterday and a couple today. And I just saw your name. I was up in another meeting and I saw your name and I said, oh, my God, it's got to be. I know Lloyd from Houston. God, I've missed you.
I now live in Castlebury, Florida, and I believe I have the best group going. Okay, good. I've been in Florida a year and a half and I'm still adjusting. I miss Houston. I miss Lloyd. Thank you. He and I walked some of the same paths in NAA and in the professional field. I sat here and I heard some things I needed to hear today. And I've got one request. Please sing for us today. Before you close. Thank you.
Hi, I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict and my name is Selwyn. Hi, Selwyn. Thank you, Floyd, and hi, Joe. And I'm from Chicago and I have a Big Book sponsor. And the way she sponsors us is that she, the way she dealt with me, she walked me through the steps using the Big Book. And then as my first year anniversary present, she gave me a copy of the Big Book tapes of Charlie and Joe. And I fell in love with Charlie and Joe right away.
And this is the way she sponsors most of her pitches. First we have to study the Big Book and then she, as a first year anniversary gift, we usually get tapes of Joe and Charlie. And to show you how much we love them in Chicago and our little AA family there, this last year we traveled to Minnesota to their first Big Book seminar there given by Joe and Charlie. And as a result of that visit to Minnesota to that Big Book seminar, we in the Chicago area is putting on our Big Book seminar, our first Big Book seminar, which is going to be put on by Joe and Charlie in Chicago in 1986, you know, in May.
And so I'm putting that plug in. In May, and so I'm putting that plug in and we love you Joe and Charlie. Thank you. My name is James and I'm an alcoholic. Hi James. Definitely an alcoholic.
[01:15:02]
I was 24 years old three years ago and I'd lost everything that I wanted to lose. I could have lost more. I sometimes say that when I came into this program I had $10,000 in all my hair. Some of you may be familiar with that problem. It happens in my family about the age of 27. You go bald and you got this program to accept it with. That's okay though. I remember one thing was that they told me to keep coming back here and someone said it just before I said it.
When I would go into a bar, I'd wake up in the morning and wouldn't remember much. I'd go into this bar and they'd say, go away. I'd say, what did I do? And I'd say, I want to apologize. I'd say, what, can I pay for something I broke? They'd say, go away. Go away they said. But they told me to keep coming back here and I did come back here. I took every kind of help I could get to stay sober. I took professional help, medical help.
I took anti-abuse for two years and I gave it up because I knew that with this program I didn't need it. But they told me to take it for two years and I didn't mind taking it for two years because I didn't want to drink. And as long as you don't want to drink, you can continue to take anti-abuse. It's when you try and mix the two that's the problem. But I'm here to talk about this big book and there's a couple of things I want to share with you that I read in the big book, one of which surprised me.
It didn't say in there, somewhere there in one of the early chapters is a statement that surprised me. I assumed that the whole business of the big book was to get people sober. But it didn't say it's the purpose of this book to get you sober. It's the purpose of this book, it says, to help you find a power greater than yourself who can help you get, help solve your problem. And I didn't find that power greater than myself unless the power was AA.
I knew that AA worked. I'd heard of people it worked on and I knew it worked because I read it in a book and I believe what I read in books. I especially believe what I read in the big book. Another thing I read, and this is what first got me to start praying. I wasn't praying much except to say the serenity prayer, the Lord's prayer at the meetings. But I didn't get down on my knees when I was alone to pray.
I didn't quite believe in God. And it said in the back of the big book, someplace in there, it says, all you need to grow closely to God is honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. And I could see that I could have some of those things. I could get down on my knees and pray. It says God does not make too hard turns with those who approach him. I've approached him closer. I've even been to church a couple of times, although I don't know if that will last.
But this lasts. This lasts. I'll always keep coming back to these meetings because this is where I get my strength. And I'm glad to be here. Thank you. Thank you. You there? You there? Sure. Lean in here. My name is Darrell and I'm an alcoholic. I must be in the right place. I must be in the right place. I see a room full of, what, probably alcoholics and a bunch of smoke. So I think I'm in the right place.
I think this might be a cure that if people in my home group find out about it, they'll put a microphone in front of me because I'm nervous. And I tend to talk a little bit too long and maybe it'll shut me up a little bit. But the big book, I don't know. All I can say is for me, I found it true. I came in not believing. I came in not believing the stories that I heard. I came in not believing the miracles that were actually in front of me and the miracles that I was seeing.
And I think the only place when I did come to believe was when I, first of all, read the book and argued with it, of course, tooth and nail. I didn't believe that that could possibly be for me except for the fact that, yes, I am an alcoholic. But they said the program was a spiritual program, and I absolutely could not buy that. But over the course of time, I did see something in the fellowship. I think that for me, the big book and the fellowship, they worked hand in hand.
I think without seeing that big book actually living in the groups, in the people, in their recovery, I would not have believed what it had to say. And I think finally the willingness, and I was stubborn as hell, and people couldn't shut me up, and I was going to tell everybody how they were wrong and how the spiritual thing was some kind of a fairy tale world. But all the time I felt something going on inside of me.
I felt the relief, which I had sought so long through the alcohol,
[01:20:04]
and the alcohol was taken away and it wasn't there. And there was a great deal of tension as a result. And I needed an answer. And I think it was through desperation that I came to this open-mindedness that they talk about. And I believe the big book today. And I believe that when I try the things that it says to try, every time I've done it. It's one thing knowing it. I probably know the big book.
I could probably recite maybe 70% of the big book, but it's a question of doing it. To me, there's a difference between me knowing it and me doing it. And as long as it's just up here, it's not doing me a damn bit of good, but I've got to go out and live it. And when I do that, I get the rewards that they promise. And it's worked for me time and time again. I go out and I still do it. I get back into me and I take things back into my own hands.
I think I'm human. I think that's for me the human condition anyway. I'm not to the point of sainthood where I'm walking with God all the time and seeking His will all the time. I still have me and what the hell do I want? But I get back to in the fifth chapter where it says, self-centeredness is the root of my problem. I am my problem. And I have found the answers, and I continue to find answers. And it's just great to be here.
And good to see you all. Thank you for being here. Thanks. My name's Bob. I'm a drug addict and alcoholic from California. And this is about the fifth day that I haven't participated in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's too long for me. My basic training was to publicly identify myself as an alcoholic and a drug addict. And if it weren't for the grace of God and this program, I'm sure I wouldn't be anyplace today, let alone sober at the 50th anniversary convention.
And that's basically all I want to share except for one small anecdote. Last summer, my work took me to Houston, Texas. And after about two days without a meeting in Houston, Texas, I found HIH. And after two meetings at HIH, I found Lloyd. And Lloyd straightened me right out, and I want to publicly thank him for that. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you. My name's Joe. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Joe.
From Denver, Colorado. I just wanted to express my gratitude that I'll be forever grateful for people like you, Lloyd, and Joe, and Charlie, and a sponsor that was willing to sit down and walk with me through the big book when I was six months sober and dying. And he shared all three legacies with me because I wasn't finding what I needed in just a fellowship. Although I found a lot of love, and I was real involved, and I was going to a lot of meetings, I was dying inside.
And he took me to that book, and we started walking through it. And it's because of seminars like the one in Florida and the one I went to in Arkansas that has helped me to understand that book and to be able to share what I've learned with other people. We started a big book group in Denver about three years ago through people like Joe and Charlie and a guy from Canada, Mac G, who talked about a group of men up there called the Golden Slippers.
And it really took off in Denver, and they started a lot of big book studies, but that didn't necessarily mean that people were doing what was in that book. They were learning it. And my sponsor had an idea to maybe start a group where we would do that work together, and some unbelievable things happened. We started with 10 or 12 people, and today we have three meetings a week and over 150 members of that group.
And on a regular basis, we meet 20, 30, depending on which night, and we do what that book says together. We have a simple format where the reader reads a short bit, and we share our experience with what was just read. And when we get to a direction or a prayer or a checkpoint or a question, we do that together as a group, and it's been an incredible experience. I just wanted to share that and thank and express my thanks to people like you.
Thank you. Thank you very much. And we're going to have about how many minutes we got there, Joe? None? May I ask you to do this? Let me do this. Think we got time to do the Lord's Prayer? Sing it. Sing it, Lord. Our Father, which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
[01:25:09]
Thy kingdom come. Thine will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.